False Thinking - DivorceBusting.com

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My MLC H asked for a legal separation and sent me an email with info on how to proceed. He moved out of the house a month and half ago. I thought during this month that even if our communication was limited and when we meet briefly for technical reasons, we always had a pleasant time.
I never saw this coming.
False Thinking on my part!
I was trying to find small signs of improvement but I guess I was deceiving myself!
I'm totally devasted.
I'm re-reading Divorce Busting but how can I apply any of the suggestions when he's in MLC?
I'm doing whatever possible on my part - even if we don't live to together anymore, when we do see each other, text or email I'm always friendly. Never talk about M. I'm working on my inner self. Some days I feel like I'm a champion then days like these when I felt that maybe maybe there was a slight improvement, I receive another bomb. I'm totally crushed!

Cadet may be busy right now, so I've pasted his "Welcome" posting here for you to read.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...296#Post2592296

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

The two links that don't work above are as follows.

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Lifee, so sorry that you find yourself here. There a lot of people here who have been where you have and you will find a lot of support here.

My H no longer lives at home, but DB'ing is still possible. Just apply the concepts when the opportunity presents itself. My H is still in MLC land, but I can say that they do notice!

I too receive "the bomb" on a regular basis. I've come to think that the "speech" (what I call it) is more for them than us - an attempt to push us away.

I didn't totally get it in the beginning and thought I was doing it when I really wasn't, but Cadet is right ... detach, detach, detach. Focus on you. The time you have now is truly a gift.

Hi Lifeeee

sorry you find yourself here
You will learn a lot about MLC
you can still apply db techniques but we need to keep expectations very low
as MLC can last a long time
they go through their tunnel and we ours
We work on ourselves, we grow and change
there is the other side to all this-LBS usually always get to the other side
more peaceful, more authentic and yes happy again
some MLCers also get there
keep posting and continue your process and take good care of yourself-
you are doing good-

Is there another woman involved that you are aware of?

Hello Lifeeee,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I want to be sure I am understanding this. He sent you an email indicating how YOU should proceed with the separation? If so, do nothing. If he wants a legal separation, he needs to jump through all the hoops.

Keep doing things that make you feel like a champion. Focus on you, not what his response is or what he might be thinking.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Hello to all,

I'm new here. I'm trying to survive my new life alone after my H moved out and asked for a legal separation. No children and no OW. Some days are good, others feel like an empty shell, like my life doesn't belong to me!

I've read some success stories but very few compared to the broken M!

If you have a success story of your H coming back to his senses and home, how long did it take? Was he ever the same.. or even better than before?

Much love to all!

I copied over her questions to this thread from a new thread:

Success Stories

You will not find a lot of posters returning to the Forum after they have reconciled because they are busy focusing on the hard work of reconciling. Some do return and they are the ones that have taken the time to return to post snippets of how things are going.

Now, the other side of the coin is that some do reconcile and then years later discover that it's not working out and then separate and divorce. I have several friends from this forum who have done this. Sometimes the MLCing spouse returns and their personality is the same, others return and keep some of the traits that they picked up during their tunnel time and others are completely different. Some return even better, but the bottom line is that no one can predict how they will come out of the MLC oven. As for how long it takes, it takes as long as it takes and sometimes they want to return home before they are finished w/their crisis and eventually, they jump start their crisis again and usually it is far worse than the first time around.

Some take 3, 5 or even 7 years and others could take longer, depending upon the person, their issues and their personalities and yes, others may remain stuck until the day they pass away.

I know you are looking for hope and that's okay. It's good to hope and have faith that he will return home. We all come here searching for success stories, but the bottom line is that no matter what happens, you can't control the outcome of his crisis. You didn't break him therefore you can't fix him. However, you can control how you deal w/him during this time. Have compassion for what he's going through, but that doesn't mean you come a doormat, be civil to him and above all else, dig deeper for patience. You can keep the door ajar for as long as you need to, but again, do not allow him to walk all over you. Keep a close eye on your financials and bank accounts. Seek the advice of a good lawyer just so that you are aware of what your rights are. Do not share that info w/him and do not share what you learn along the way from reading about MLC and especially this forum.

Try to keep the focus on you. You need to find a way to keep strong, learn all you can about MLC, and take care of yourself, i.e., mentally, physically and emotionally. Come here to ask questions and vent. There is always someone around to post to you.

Job is a success story,

don't let the out come of her marriage fool you.

If you read the homework I gave you in the resources for newcomers there is a link to Mozza's thread that has some of the current stories.
Also pinned to the top of this board is more.

HI

Yes to everything Job said

You do not see a lot of success stories posted but I hear stories about reconciliation from friends or acquaintances
It definitely is possible It usually takes time

I have one very good friend right now whose XH is repeatedly asking to get back together
She does not want to but they are becoming good friends and talking a lot so it may be in the future..her xh left in a tailspin about 7 years ago in what looked like MLC to me

It seems most beneficial for the LBS to use this time to grieve and let go
as we move on with our lives..keeping a door open for the MLCer for friendship or support..you never know
I know it is so hard in the start, but time does heal and most LBS seem to create new and better lives either with the Mlcer or with another..
hang in