Approaching the crossroads� - DivorceBusting.com

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New thread. Link to the previous: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2614542&page=11

I feel like I�m getting to the point when I am ready to make some decisions in my life. Whatever it will be, I don�t know yet. Will I file for D? Will I push H to do that? Will I start dating? All I know that I�m making plans for my vacations this year and for the first time I�m not even feeling held back by not having H participating. I still don�t want to do the solo vacations. I�m trying to find a companion, one of my GFs, or my family.

There are some things that have been on my mind recently. I will post them later.

First, I want to reply to the posts on my previous thread. Job and Irish, thanks for your posts and advice. I sent another e-mail to that layer, asking him to not share my info and that I didn�t authorize any further steps regarding my will. I essentially told him that I will not be retaining his services. Got a lengthy e-mail back from him explaining why he shared my info and wishing my luck, blah, blah, blah� It doesn�t look like he is going to push anything else. It is over and I�m happy. Job, to your point, I will be careful next time.

Job, I see what you mean when you say �No one really knows what goes thru their minds�. I feel that it is what�s going on with H at this time. The golf fees are part of the HOA, even though they are billed separately. He can sell his owner's card to somebody else. I don�t think he will do that though. He will rather eat �rice and beans�, but will retain his privilege to play golf any time he wants (it would be free after the annual fee is paid.)

Irish, thanks for stopping by. I�ve been keeping up with your threads, and just want to say that you are doing an amazing job with your Ds. I will pop up on your thread to say the same. I find it interesting about your W�s mail. I wonder if she changed the forward address or removed it, LOL. Like job mentioned, you just don�t know what is going on through their minds.

And, speaking of that, I�ve been noticing some different patterns in H�s �behavior�. Well, as much as I can get from the texts and e-mails. So, after his text telling me that he needed to think about where I should mail his driver�s license, there was nothing from him for 4 days. Then I received a text about his usual monthly money transfer for the condo. He also asked me �Am I going to need to come to �my town� to sign anything by the end of January?� I found the wording of this interesting� It�s like �pilling teeth�, right! Or� maybe a misleading statement to make it look like he doesn�t really want to come, but there are things that need to get done, LOL. IDK, it just feels this way, and I�m not even analyzing it to my benefit (like looking for some signs�)

So, I replied back thanking him for the money transfer (always a validation� even though this money transfer it more beneficial to him than me), and then told him that I don�t think there is anything he needs to sign this month. He replied with �Ok I will send an address to you tomorrow to send the DL to. Thanks again�.

He did send me the address next day, which is the PO box address in the border town that he already gave me a couple of other times. Hahaha, MLC memory loss� I mailed the package a couple of days later and sent him an update. I also texted him that I have a request for current mileage on all cars on our car insurance policy. Here is my actual text �On another note, AAA needs the mileage for all cars for renewal. If you still want to maintain the policy, please send me the numbers.� His reply: �Will do, thanks�.

It�s been two days and there is no reply. All these delayed replies are so unusual for H. Normally, he was up to the point. Plus, I�m thinking it should be no brainer, right� He wanted so badly to get out of this M and get rid of his W (me)� I think that he would not mind to pay for his own insurance policy, even if it would be a few hundred bucks a year more expensive, but he would not have to deal with me. I just don�t get it. Sometimes I think that this recent change in H�s behavior is a test. I used to be very impatient when I needed some info or a response to complete something I was doing. I would get on his case pushing for an answer. Well, H, I�m very different now. I have this patience shovel that I borrow from people on this board�

Or, maybe he is in a deeper depression now and just cannot make any decisions. He seems to make sense when he replies to me though� I guess I will just wait and see what he comes up with. Maybe he is trying to search for another car insurance, which he did last year and a year before that as well and ended up renewing our joint policy, LOL. Another case of memory loss?

Or, sometimes I think that he is �distributing� his replies to me over time, to keep me on the hook� To remind me of himself� Funny thing is that I keep thinking that I would rather not �hear� from H that often. I need to pick up the speed with moving on� and his texts and contacts are these little obstacles in my course... Not enough to derail the train, but enough to slow it down a bit.

Bright,
When you request something from him do you give him a drop dead date in which to reply? If not, I would suggest you try this because he may think it's okay to drag his feet since you aren't telling him when you need the info. Sometimes we have to put a timeline on things in order to get the info we need.

I don't think he's dribbling his replies to you. I think he really doesn't think about them until later. They tend to go off the radar and sometimes don't get back to us for days on end. Why? Because their attention is elsewhere. Keep in mind, they can't multi-task and w/their brains scrambled, the attention span is that of a gnat and can only focus on one thing at a time.

Hi Bright. I like the name of your thread and am feeling in the exact same spot these days. I hope we get our answers soon

Job, thank you, as always, for your wise advice. It does help to keep me grounded. Quite often I have similar thoughts, but when it comes from you, it really means that I�m on the right track.

I do put the deadlines when I have them. The car insurance renewal is not due until April, so I have time, so does H. He can find himself a new insurance or send me the mileage. Either way, I will be fine. I will just pay the bill and let him know his portion if I don�t hear from him until then. I�m pretty confident that he will either pay me his portion of the bill, or cancels his portion of the policy. I just find it interesting that this year it seems to be more of a struggle for him to make up his mind. BTW, I still has not received any info, whether the mileage on his cars, or a note about him not continuing with this policy.

Mleigh, yes, I think there is time when you approach the crossroads and you have to make a decision. It doesn�t mean that the roads cannot cross again in the future. But, for now, we need to go our own way and do what is best for us and our kids.

Hi Bright

You are sounding good :-)

Car insurance was one of the first things I cancelled. W wanted out so I refused to manage her affairs. Let them deal with their own insurance. The insurance company contacted her directly to advise her I cancelled her part and she had 30 days to get a new insurance. Did she get her own plan, no clue.

I did the same with life insurance.

Hugs
Irish

I hear you Irish, about not wanting to manage W�s affairs. I don�t mind H still being on the same policy. We normally pay for the entire year, so it is a one-time deal every year. I get the bill, inform H about his portion, offer him a choice (either pay me the money or cancel it and get his own policy.) Every year he chose to stay, LOL.

Here is what I wanted to post. My dreams recently.
Progression of dreams� A few months ago these dreams started� They are all in some kind of weird setting, nothing that would resemble anything in reality. The first dream had H in it, still cold and distant, but not going anywhere, kind of sticking around. I think we were at some bar or something like that. Then there were a couple of dreams where H looked so much in pain and even expressed that pain� But, still looking away from me� Then there were a couple of dreams where H was more relaxed around me, still not showing much interest thought. The last dream was just a couple of weeks ago, where H was very relaxed and wanted to be intimate, LOL.

Not sure what to make out of these� I�ve been trying to work on myself to actually let go of H and accept the things the way they are. After last H�s visit, I�ve been trying to prepare myself for the bog D. I still catch myself on a thought that all of this is just so surreal, that we still have a connection, blah, blah, blah� And, we still have a connection, actually. I realized that as much I�m hesitant to sever the last ties, H has been doing the same. Some if is because the complicated financial and legal matters, like our condo. But, other things� he could do himself. Like the car insurance, or XM radio subscription, or AAA subscription, etc.

Speaking of connection� Received an e-mail from H today, forwarding the message from QB about quarterly filing reminder: �Hi Bright, do you get these same quickbooks updates and reminder things, or is it helpful when I pass them on to you? He actually asked me if he should forward these e-mails to me, hahaha. What a nice guy! For a long time he was just forwarding them to me without a word. I guess he�s got his �thinking� hat on. He could have just went ahead and changed the e-mail in our QB account, since I�m handling the taxes and filings anyway. Oh, wait, did I say "thinking hat". Maybe too soon, LOL.

Today is H�s birthday. I sent him a card in the same mail with his driver�s license last week. Not sure if picked up the mail yet. I also decided to call today. He didn�t pick up the phone, so I left a short message. A few minutes later I got a text from him. �Hi Bright, thanks for the Bday message. I have been working on the condo so I�m in and out and not getting to the phone in time. Thanks again�. I replied with a smiley face, a B-day cake and a beer glass emoticons. This is kind of 180 for me, as in the past I would be more reserved, if replied at all. Don�t know if he�s been working on the condo for some time now, hence no decision on car insurance. Like job said they can only do one thing at a time. Or, he was trying to keep himself busy today, on his B-day. Well, knowing that friends and family would probably be calling him all day, he decided to be in and out, so he could not get to the phone in time, LOL.

I don�t know if I have a biased opinion, but all H�s communication with me sounds so �thoughtful� recently. Like he is this mister nice guy. Confuses me a bit, makes it a bit harder to detach, distorts the picture of an MLC H. I�m not going to dwell on this though. Whatever it is, H is still continuing to live the life he chose and moving on with it. So, I�m going to continue to move on with my life and my plans.

Got a missed call and a following text from H today. Asking me if I already paid the property taxes on the land in Mexico. This is the land that he is �leaving� to me. He is going to pay the property tax on the condo, and I�m supposed to pay it on the land. I texted him back that I haven�t paid the tax and that it would be nice if he could take care of it. Crrrickeeeets back to me so far�

Bright,
Keep those expectations at zero. You are looking for him to respond back quickly and usually they don't. They get distracted very easily. I know you get frustrated w/him, but trust me when I say that he's distracted most of the time. Whatever interests him at that moment is what takes his attention away from the matters at hand.

You did your part...you responded back to him. Now, it's up to him to respond back to you. If you don't hear from him within a reasonable amount of time, you'll either 1) have to remind him to pay the taxes; or 2) you'll need to pay them. You can't rely on them.

Job, you are probably right about H not being able to focus on more than one thing at a time. I still think that he is just not sure about car insurance, again�

I never received any info from H regarding the property tax. My GF (mutual friend) from the vacation home sent me a link to the website and my property tax id. I went on there yesterday, entered the info and it gave me a message that no taxes were due. My GF also called me yesterday just to chat, and mentioned that she tried to check the tax website and got the same message. So, we both agreed that H must have paid the tax. The weird part is that he didn�t say a word to me or to the mutual friends. I assume that he is going to deduct this money from the money for the condo that he sends me every month, LOL. Will see.

At the same time I�ve got a little surprise today in the mail. I got an envelope from H with the ID and car stickers for the vacation home and note from him. I totally didn�t expect this, even thought when I mailed him his driver�s license I thought that it would be nice of him to return a favor and mail me the stickers. I guess he �heard� me, LOL.

I feel like crying today. It is windy, rainy, and dark outside. I don�t like this weather, it makes me sad. It feels extremely lonely today, it feels like nobody can understand what I�m feeling. One of my GF�s has been texting me latterly asking me what plans I have my upcoming b-day this year. I will be turning 50. I�m not sure what she has in mind. I actually dread the very thought of it. I�m getting old, I�m separated, I don�t have a companion, it is increasingly more difficult for me to even find anybody I would like� I don�t even know if I can have fun on my b-day.

My other GF tried to call me last night too. I was at my sister�s and missed the call. I sent her a message later, asking if she needed anything specific and if it was urgent (like it was with her in the past when she needed to vent.) She replied back saying that she just wanted to talk. I have a bit of resentment going on with her. I was always there for her, picking up the phone and spending time with her when she was distressed, upset, needed to vent, needed to talk� She�s being cutting me off recently, she doesn�t want to hear about my feelings and my stuff, because she thinks that I�m going in circles. She texted me once �I wish that you would already let it go�.

Yesterday at my sister�s, my BIL mentioned something about H. I can�t even remember what it was, but instead of getting involved in the conversation, I said that �H is the history� which essentially ended that conversation. I seemed like my BIL was very pleased to hear me say that. So, I think, was my sister. And it made me very upset. Why are people happy when I�m still hurting?

Oh well, I�m just having one of these bad days�

Oh Bright - I am so sorry you are having a tough day. It happens of course and you have been through a lot.

As for feeling like you will not meet anyone, that, I do not believe. Many people our age are ending marriages for various reasons and looking for solid relationships.

Want you to know I am thinking of you.

Ah Bright, people just don't get it. One of my BFF is always trying to set me up. I also have a co-worker who points out attractive men to me. I don't think they really mean harm, they just don't understand. I mean look at us, we have been here for YEARS! Not months but years. Before learning what I have learned here, I too would never have understood that.

Bright, we are proud of you. You have shown patience, compassion, class, dignity, humor and love during a time when most would give up. That makes you quite an amazing person. I suppose we learn who we can talk to and when to stay quiet. And trust me, I am a classic spinner, I can't count how many times I have gone back and forth! It can be embarrassing, but it's real. This experience is real. We had no warning or training for this, it got thrown at us and we all are still learning how best to deal with our own unique situations.

It's normal to hit these low spots, I am sending big hugs your way. It's important during these low times to take care of you, do something nice for yourself. (((Hugs)))

Bright,

(Hugs). I am sorry you are having a difficult time. It is totally normal to have rough days.

50 isn't old, my friend. That's a weird US cultural thing we have. I always laugh because my 11 year old calls me a dinosaur. And I tell her, "then, if I live to be 80 then I will look back at 50 and see it was nothing and if I live to be 100, then I will see 50 was just the midway point."

I'm sure your friends mean well. However, you will date if or when you feel ready. Hang in there! You are doing awesome:)

Bright,
I'm sorry you were feeling badly yesterday, but today is a new day and hopefully you are feeling better. The age is just a number. Card and gift stores have really put the focus on the numbers, i.e., 40, 50, etc. People, many years ago, didn't put as much focus on the age of people. Fifty is just a number and let me tell you, people are going strong at that age and it's nothing to get down and out about. I just recently noticed that there is a new online dating service for people over 50 and it's doing quite well. I know of many people who have lost spouses and have found love again after 50, so please, don't knock yourself because when you least expect it, someone will come into your life...but you aren't ready for that just yet.

As for your GF, you need to start politely cutting off her conversations about her problems. It appears that the only time she calls you is when she needs a sounding board. It's time to give her a bit of her own medicine. A friend is someone that listens and no matter what you are going through is there for you. True, you may be going in circles, but that doesn't mean she gets to be the judge of what you do. So, my advice, gently change the subject when you speak to her, especially when she's calling just for a vent and/or support.

As I have pointed out many times, people do not know what you are experiencing and until they walk a mile in your shoes, they will not understand. People tend to be relieved and happy when we have finally moved on because they do not want to see us unhappy and/or stuck. They want us to live our lives to the fullest.

You will develop a tougher skin about such things as you continue your journey...but you are the only one that knows what you are going through and we can't "assume" that others will understand, especially when we've been at this journey for quite some time. They do not understand that this is not a normal separation/divorce scenario, so it stands to reason that they would think that we should have moved on months/years ago. Don't beat yourself up over what others thinks...you have to take care of you...you'll know when you've had enough and want to cut the ties and move on w/your life. Until then, live your life to the fullest and do what you need to do to survive.

^^^^^^^

Job said it perfectly. I was telling a GF of mine who is late 30s (single, no kids, never married and wants a family) just something similar the other day. She said, "people will think there is something wrong with me." I responded with, "people think what they think-and that is their deal. It doesn't mean they are right!" And it's 100% true.

HaWho, mleigh, Georgia, Job, thank you so much for your kind words and for the hugs! I did lift my mood, knowing that there are people who care and support me. It did made me cry, but in a good way

.

You are all right, I am not ready to date. I know that there a lot of people who date in their 40th, 50th, even 60th and beyond. It just worries me that after 3 � years post BD I�m still not ready for another R. And� I am not getting any younger�

Job, I was reading and re-reading your advice about my GF, trying to get this into my head. Well, guess what I did yesterday... She called me. I was in a much better place than on Sunday, plus I had a couple of glasses of wine. So we talked� I didn�t bring up my stuff, but I listened to her� She did need to talk to me� I think I�m one of a few friends who are always sympathetic to her, listen to her and support her. I just felt like I wanted to support her� again. She went through a lot, an abusive H, a divorce, a breast cancer and mastectomy, her daughter�s continuing relapses of Crohn�s disease... It doesn�t excuse her from judging me though. I think I�m ready to tell her next time that I don�t feel supported for my cause.

Job, I hope that I will develop a tougher skin. I�m sure you are talking from experience. I just can�t wait for this time to arrive.

So, I thought Sunday was tough for me. I didn�t know what waited for me on Monday. On Sunday night we had some fierce rains (coming sideways) and crazy winds. My house was shaking during some of the wind gusts. I thought I heard a noise of breaking tile outside, but thought that it was something else. I came out on Monday morning and sure enough� there were pieces of tile on my driveway. I looked up and there were a few tiles missing from the edge of the top roof, meaning they crashed on the lower roof over the garage. Now, these are concrete tiles that are supposed to be nailed to the roof. The winds were so strong that they lifted up a few of these tiles. I found a piece of one of them with the long nail still attached to it. Wow, who knew...

I spent all Monday morning looking for the places where I could buy more tiles. The brand I have is from the company that is no longer in business. I have a few spare tiles in my garage, but I didn�t know how many were broken on the roof until this morning, when I actually walked around the house and took a closer look. I was finally able to find a tile place in town where they can match my tiles with another brand. I have a guy coming tomorrow to give me an estimate on what needs to be done. I hope it is not going to cost me a fortune.

So, I was thinking that if I would have a H, it would not be so difficult to replace a few tiles. And, it would be H�s job to take care of the roof repair (even though at one time I did negotiate with a contractor and supervised the outside house painting and re-stucco job.) Oh well, I�m going to do what I have to do.

I am so glad that you are okay. Those storms were something else and they are coming across the US and we are due to get some of that mess this afternoon.

I'm glad you were able to locate someone who can match your tiles and repair the roof for you. I love a tiled roof. A former co-worker, here in MD, has a home with a tiled roof and it's beautiful.

I'm glad you spoke to your GF. Hopefully, you will find a time to let her know how things have been between the two of you. I know you will handle it w/grace a dignity, but friendships are a two way street. Maybe she doesn't realize how she's been, i.e., w/all she's got going on.

Bright, you will get to where you need to be when the time is right. Don't try to rush the process. You are right where you need to be at this time.

Hang in there! Spring is right around the corner and hopefully the weather will finally settle down!

Thank you Job! And especially for this:

Originally Posted By: job

Bright, you will get to where you need to be when the time is right. Don't try to rush the process. You are right where you need to be at this time.

It helps to hear these words again. I know you said it so many time, but it looks like I need a reminder once in a while

.

I had an estimate for the roof repair yesterday. The guys was a referral from one of my Bunco friends in my neighborhood. He is her neighbor. So, he said that he can see 3 tiles missing and about 2 broken. He quoted me $300 to replace the tiles (which includes the cost of the tiles, plus possibility of more being broken during the repair process � normal thing according to him), to re-position all other tiles that have �moved� and put a special sealant in between the tiles. In other word, kind of to do the maintenance of the entire roof to make sure it is all solid and sealed. He will charge me this amount if I pay in cash. I think it is a good deal, considering that the roof needs some maintenance once in a while anyway.

Job, I also like the tile. My house actually stands out among other houses on my street (with shingles roofs.) I think tile looks a lot better. Plus, in case of wild fires (which are very common in my area), my house has a better chance of being saved. I actually heard a non-official comment, that firefighters normally pay more attention to the houses with concrete tile roofs, as they are easier to safe in a fire.

I didn�t post this before, but I receive an escrow statement from the mortgage company for the condo. It shows that a huge amount was paid as a trustee fee last year and now the escrow account is in shortage. The trustee fee was supposed to be paid to bank which holds the trust for the condo. It was never paid in all these previous years, and all of a sudden it was paid, and for the amount that was not expected. I called the mortgage company a few times last week trying to find out the details. They finally told me the tax id and the wire transfer number. The tax id doesn�t match the one that is assigned to the condo in Mexico. It all appears very disturbing�

So, I sent H two e-mails yesterday. One regarding the XM radio subscription that came up for renewal (we still have one account for two radios, his and mine.) And another e-mail with the details for the condo mortgage. I�m expecting him to flip out about the mortgage thing... He will not be happy... He will have to pay a lot more starting with the next month bill, because they are now projecting this escrow amount to be a lot higher, plus the shortage.

After I sent him the e-mails, I remembered that I actually never thanked him for mailing the id tags for me. So, I sent him a nice text this morning, thanking him for that. No reply back so far� I just don�t get it� He picks up my id stickers and mails them to me, like he wants to do me a favor (I don�t think he did it last year), and then doesn�t acknowledge my text. So strange.

And�. I still don�t have the mileage on his car and truck or any decision on the car insurance. I am going to wait until tomorrow and send him a text about the car mileage again and also notify him that I sent him a couple of e-mails that he needs to attend to. It is all in his court now. I don�t care one way or another. I will be sending the mileage for my car.

Bright,
You are still expecting him to respond back within a short time to your emails/texts. If he's focused on something else, it could be a day, two days or even weeks before his focus is back on his emails. They can't deal w/a lot of stuff at one time, especially if he read your text about the mortgage payment.

I'm glad you sent the second text thanking him for the id tags. If I were you, I would send him one final text and advise him that if he doesn't respond by Sunday, you are going to go ahead and take care of your car insurance and he can deal w/his own. Set a drop dead date for a response. If he doesn't respond...go ahead and do what you need to do to take care of your vehicle. His a big boy and he needs to start doing for himself.

Bright, hang in there.

Yes, I've noticed with my H, he has a big admin push - then nothing - then another burst - then nothing. He's sometimes instant with his responses. Other times he may take days. I just ask myself whether I have done all I needed to do, and then I leave it.

I agree about separating these things that are a hassle for you. Be mistress of your own destiny with insurance & leave him to sort himself out IMHO. As Job says, he's a big boy now, and you are pretty helpful with him in other ways. I would also second the drop dead date. I hold that one in my back pocket if I start to get frustrated with a lack of progress. Not one to be overused, but useful on occasion for sure.

I hope you figure out what is happening with the financials soon. Please take any steps needed to protect your own interests in all of this.

Take care xx

Job, I sent him an e-mail about the mortgage, not a text. I know that he is not checking his e-mails as often. I don�t think he read it yet. I�m sure he will try to call me to find out the details, and he will be very upset, because the next mortgage payment will be a lot higher than it was.

Sotto, thanks for stopping by. Yes, I remember days after the BD when H was not responding to some of my texts or responding later, not right away. He�s be pretty consistent with timely responses in the last year pretty much, until just recently, maybe a couple of months.

Actually, it didn�t even bother me that he was not replying to me about the mileage. I was just curios and waiting for things to unfold. The car insurance would still renew the policy at the last year�s mileage estimate, which they did before when I didn�t sent the mileage on time. At this point, it is almost like an experiment for me, to see when and how H responds, LOL.

So, I did sent him a text today �Hi H, please send me the mileage or let me know otherwise�, and included the picture of the letter from car insurance requesting the mileage update. It took about 20 min for H to respond, telling me that he is sorry, but he spaced it out, then listing the mileage and saying sorry again for the late response. I know that his truck is not parked close to the condo, it is parked next to the sales office building. He either drove there very quickly, or he had the mileage already recorded somewhere (just didn't send it me, right

. )

Job, to your point, he could be preoccupied with something else and forgot� I guess his brain is really disturbed these days� Or� he is in a new R with some OW, LOL. I doubt though, he would not be so nice to me, I guess.

In his text he also asked me to send him the company file because he needs to pay the visa bill. Well, there are no expenses on that, except for his cell phone. I told him that I would send a file tonight or tomorrow. He replied with �Thanks�. I didn�t tell him about the e-mails I sent the other day, as in this case he will be checking them tomorrow anyway. Oh boy, I brace myself for the storm that I think is coming when he leans about the mortgage. I could be dead wrong though�

An update and some thoughts� Received the replies back from H the other day to my e-mails regarding the XM radio and mortgage.

On XM radio, I thought I gave H a way out� Meaning he could get his own account and not deal with me anymore� He replied back with some numbers that he did his own research for� And then he said �Maybe you could bring this up when you talk to them. I would rather pay yearly if possible.� After this, I looked at my numbers again and realized that miss-quoted him. I replied back with the correct numbers and said that next time I will call for a renewal I will mention the prices he gave me. His e-mail is extremely polite.

Then there was another e-mail about the mortgage. Sooo� I was absolutely wrong anticipating H to be angry, etc. His e-mail was very nice, again. He politely asked me to scan and e-mail a copy of the trust documents (I have the originals). Then he said �It kind of [censored] this happened last summer and we didn't hear about it until now. I would appreciate it if you could do this.� At the end he said �P.S. The alternative is to mail down the copy you have.� So, last time I saw him he told me that he will start working on the condo being transferred to his name, and now he want the copy of the paper work and not the originals. Go figure�

In one of the e-mails H asked me to text when I send important e-mails to him, as he is not checking them often (as I thought.)

I replied to this e-mail too and said that I would take the documents to work and scan them. I also explained why I didn�t realize that the payment was made last July, but I only discovered it now. I mentioned that this mortgage company is not very consistent (sometimes I get the statements with different info, for example the Pre-payment penalty was listed as �Yes� a couple of time, when other times it shows �No�.) I also said that I would not do the business with this mortgage company again, if I have a choice, and that I hope that the escrow issue will get resolved promptly.

I received a reply from him on this, with �I agree , they have been a pain in the ass. I will get working on this promptly.� Wow� I don�t think I ever received a reply like that from him after the BD. I might be wrong� But, I totally did not anticipate any response.

I texted to him yesterday, saying that I sent him a couple of e-mails, but there was nothing urgent yet. And that I would scan and e-mail him the documents ASAP.

I got an immediate reply back with Thank you.

I scanned the documents and e-mailed them this morning. Then I sent H a text informing him that I e-mailed the documents to him. Again, he replied right away that he got them.

Other updates� I went to a Super Bawl party with my GF on Sunday. There were a couple more people who I knew. We had a lot of fun.

This Monday was my son�s B-day. I left him a message, since he didn�t pick up his phone � he went snowboarding with his friend. He called me back later in the evening, thanking me for the message and told me that H called him as well and left a voice mail (since son was in the shower at the time of the call.) Two things that came as a surprise to me in this� First, that my son told me about this (I didn't ask...). And second, that H CALLED him. I might be wrong, but I think H sent a text to my son last year. This year he was �brave� enough to actually make a phone call, LOL.

And� there is a card from H addressed to my son and his GF� I guess he really thought about their B-days this year (GF's B-day was two days before my son�s B-day.)

I�m not sure what�s going on� and why H is so extremely polite and nice. As I mentioned in my precious post, I totally anticipated an angry response about the mortgage. He did a complete opposite� I�m trying really hard to not get my hopes up. And, at the same time thinking if there are any hidden reasons for his niceness that I don�t know about�

My thoughts� It seems like H doesn�t really want to cut these last ties that he has with me. I can understand the condo and the mortgage (since these are some complicated issues), but XM radio and car insurance should be very simple to handle, right� Still, he prefers to stay �connected�.

I have a busy week so far. Went to a couple of lunches with different people at work. Planning another outing with some of these people this Friday. My sister is having a dinner party to celebrate a few B-days (including hers) this Saturday. Plus, I have another small project started with the company I�ve being doing some work for as a consultant.

Sorry for the long post again. I was just too tired and exhausted to update in the last few days, as the events unfolded.

I'm glad you had fun over the weekend. Sounds like your h doesn't want to cut the ties, but also he doesn't want to have to do the work himself. He's still relying on you to take care of things for him, "mom".

Glad to read that he did call and send cards to your son and GF for their birthdays. He's starting to remember to do those things, which is good and are baby steps in the right direction.

Bright, how do you really feel about being him still relying on you to take care of the insurance and other things?

Looking through my last post... Oh, boy� typing errors everywhere, including the Super Bowl, LOL.

I went to a happy hour with a couple of friends from work on Friday. The b-day party at my sister�s was cancelled because they all were sick. I was not feeling well as well. Not a flu or a cold, but I just had no energy.

Today I did some yard work and other errands around the house. I finally cut a tree that I wanted to cut a long time ago. It was bothering me for quite some time. It grew from a seed. It started about three years ago. It also grown right outside of my fence and technically on the neighbor�s property (well, they don�t maintain it, since it is up on the hill.) First I thought it was a weed, then it started looking like a small tree. Then it started growing some kind berries on the ends of the branches. It is kind of a junk tree. I watched it grow, thinking that I would cut it on one of these weekends when I do a yard work. I never got to it. It grew big. The good part it that it is very soft wood. So, I cut it today with the pruners and then with the saw. I feel so much better knowing that it is gone!

Job, thank you for your response. I do think and feel that H doesn�t want to cut the last ties. I�m just not sure why. Yes, part of it might be that he trusts me so much to take care of business (�mom�, LOL) and he doesn�t want to do it himself. But� He did research on car insurance last year� and he did check on XM radio fees� he could have just switched over to his own accounts as easily. I have a suspicion that he did this because he wanted to �prove� to himself that he is truly moved on and needs to have the separate accounts (hence going to the extent of searching for the deals.) But� staying on the same policies with me is a better deal. This is his excuse. Like I mentioned before, if someone wanted so badly to get rid of everything in connection with the former spouse (me), paying a couple of hundred dollars a year would not matter.

How do I feel about him relying on me for this stuff? It doesn�t matter that much (yes, I do get angry once in a while, LOL), I take care of all this stuff anyway, for me. Here are things that we still have together:
- Car insurance. There are two �extra� things that I do because he is on the same policy. I ask him about the mileage on his cars and then notify him about his portion to pay � once a year. Then obviously I send him the cards, which I do with the rest of his mail anyway. So, not too much extra work on my part.
- XM radio. It used to be renewed every two years, but they don�t give a long term discount anymore. I would call about my radio anyway, so I just negotiate for both. This was supposed be yearly. So, I get the price and then notify him about his portion.
- AAA membership. This is easy. I get the bill and notify him how much his share is.
- Condo mortgage. Well, this one I don�t want to separate until we agree on the division of assets. He transfers the money, I pay the bill.
- Joint business and company books. Same thing. I use the company to do some consulting work on the side. I keep the books and do the taxes. I would do it anyway for my part of the business. At this point, I prefer it this way. I don�t trust H to do it, because I think he would forget things and we would have to pay some penalties and fees.
- Some of his mail still comes to my house. I forward it to him when I feel like it and when I have time. Unless there is something important, like his driver�s license. Well it doesn�t happen too often, LOL.
- Joint bank account. I don�t use it on the regular basis, neither does he. I keep it open because this is a convenient way for him to transfer the money for the condo mortgage. This is all it is.

Wow, after I typed this, I realized that we are still connected in so many ways. Again, I give him a way out every time I send him a note about one of these joint accounts� renewals. And every time he chooses to pay me the money to stay on the policies and accounts.

Also, he is always very diligent about transferring the money to me. So, I don�t worry that I have to pay for his portion on anything.

I was recently reading on Pink�s thread that people were advising her on her xh�s stuff that is still in her house (garage). The predominant opinion was not to make him take his stuff, because it would be essentially telling him that the door is closed and there is no way back. It think that I have similar thoughts when I think about all these joint stuff with H. I want HIM to make the decisions on separating things. At least for now, this is how I feel. I know that my circumstances are different� H hasn�t being in contact every day� But, if I think about it, he�s been in contact often enough to keep reminding me about his existence, LOL. I hope it makes sense. I'm totally not a good writer...

So, for now, I�m going to keep doing what I�ve been doing in regards to the joint stuff. Will see how I feel in a few months�

Anyway, this is all boring stuff, compared to other threads. I just feel so awkward sometimes for even posting this. I should be on the other side of the fence by now.

Hi Bright,

Your post about how much you do for H got me thinking about what I do. I pay the homeowner's insurance, the car insurance and the property taxes. So far he has promptly reimbursed his share to me. He's here so infrequently (sometimes he's away for 3 months), I look at it as protecting my credit if something should come due when he was not here and it doesn't get paid.

The only thing he has asked me to do that kind of rubbed me the wrong way was to deposit his checks into his account for him. It bugs me that I'm making it easier for him to stay away. But, I remind myself that he does things for me (like let me use his airline miles for the 2 or 3 trips I take each year) and I kind of look at it as a tit for tat kind of thing.

We also own a business together (like you and your h) and I do the books and the payroll. I'd be doing that anyway and it really wouldn't be in my best interest to stop.

He wanted to separate bank accounts about a year ago and we did, but he decided about 6 months ago that it was best if we signed on each others account in case something happened. I agreed and then moved the bulk of my savings to another account that he doesn't sign on.

I agree that they need to keep some kind of connection. But I also get a little perturbed at myself sometimes that I'm enabling him. Then I remind myself they must complete the journey and doing something that they perceive as standing in the way may not be the best thing to do in the long run. I think we can give them a taste of what life without us is like without completely cutting that connection. I could be totally wrong.

I also think that leaving stuff at your place is way of remaining connected. My h has a ton of stuff still here -- tools, family pictures, family heirlooms, even his family's bible. It's not in my way, so I don't fret about it. If he ever follows through on the D he has threatened in the past, I'll make him move all that stuff.

Sorry you had to deal with repairing the roof. Being a single homeowner stinks. Since h started living elsewhere 2 1/2 years ago, I've had to replace the garage door opener, then the spring broke on the door, so more repairs. I had to replace the dishwasher, the garbage disposal, and the coil on the air conditioner. That meant a week in July with no air! I've had repairmen here for the hot water heater, the washer, the alarm system and a broken water main. Yeah ... this old house has become a money pit. (H paid his half for all it.)

The good part of all that is I handled it on my own. For a long time I was very resentful and still feel that way sometimes because it shouldn't all fall on my shoulders. But it sure feels good to know that I CAN handle it when I have to. It's strangely liberating.

Your stuff is not boring and to be perfectly honest, on this forum, I think the more boring the better!

{{{HUGS}}}

2Times2Many, thanks for stopping by. This actually made me think:

Originally Posted By: 2Times2Many

to be perfectly honest, on this forum, I think the more boring the better!

This is why I like this forum. I can see different perspective on things.

I�ve been keeping up with your story. I see a lot of similarities. My H was also traveling for work when he delivered BD. The only difference is that he doesn�t come to spend time with me. I think it was his intent right after the BD, when he told me that we could have such arrangements, so he could stay in a guest bedroom here (in my house) and I could stay in another room at the condo. I guess it didn�t quite work like that for him.

You reminded me that I do occasionally deposit the checks for H. Mostly the company checks that arrive at PO box here. I think he has the checks delivered to his location in another state when he is there. But, I think he asks for them to be mailed to PO Box when he is in transition, or living in Mexico during the winter months. He know well that I would deposit them.

Originally Posted By: 2Times2Many

I agree that they need to keep some kind of connection. But I also get a little perturbed at myself sometimes that I'm enabling him. Then I remind myself they must complete the journey and doing something that they perceive as standing in the way may not be the best thing to do in the long run. I think we can give them a taste of what life without us is like without completely cutting that connection. I could be totally wrong.

This is what I constantly asking myself too. Am I enabling him, or am I keeping the door open? You expressed it very well. I had a few opinions here about me enabling H. I also read some different opinions on other threads. So, like you said I could also be totally wrong about not forcing H to do his own things and allowing him to have his stuff in my house. For now, just like in your case, his stuff is not really in my way. And I have a spare room and a garage to put that stuff in and not be bothered about it.

I�m pretty happy that I can handle the house things on my own. This is not something I would chose to do, if I had a choice, but at least I can deal with it and can get it done. It requires some research on my part to make sure I�m not taken advantage of, when for H it would come naturally, because he knows a lot more about the home maintenance stuff. But, I�m learning, and I know a lot more now than I knew when H used to handle it.

You also had a lot to deal with in your house. I noticed that the things tend to break at the same time, especially in the older houses.

By the way, great job on not "hearing" the D word during your H's last visit!

Thanks for the hugs

I had some extensive text exchange with H all morning. Need to post now, before I get lazy and forget the details (about how I felt, not the texts, as they are recorded on my phone, LOL.) After all, I have a day off today and not doing much, just enjoying myself and a nice weather. Also, trying to catch up on other�s posts while I can.

Today is the day of the month when H transfers money to me for the condo mortgage. Sure enough, I got a text from him telling me that he will be transferring the money and let him know if the number is right. The number is mortgage payment (the �old� payment, not including the new escrow amount), then he deducts the amount he paid for the property tax in Mexico (which I thought he would deduct), plus the amount for XM radio, which is the original amount that I misquoted him (it should be half of that amount.)

My first thought was, does he actually read the info that I send him? So, I reply back with the new mortgage amount, also asking him if he would like me to pay the old amount this time anyway, and telling him that the amount for XM radio is half of that he sent and that it is for the 6 months subscription.

Here is his reply on that: �I�m working on the mortgage thing. I will only pay the old amount. Do you mind if I pay the entire year for XM? I like annual payments. Hard for me to remember to budget weird schedules!� And then I�m like �do I laugh? Or do I tell him to go screw himself?�� I kind of understand it about the mortgage... The new amount is more than $800 higher, and it is still not clear where the money went and why this amount. The XM radio� Poor H, he has a hard time with budgeting, and these �weird� schedules, LOL. I guess I can use this XM radio stuff (by cutting him off the account) to whoop his @ss next time when I want to show him what the real world looks like.

My reply. I said that he can pay XM for the year (I guess I�m a satellite radio company now, LOL), but I cannot promise that I will get the same kind of deal for the following 6 months. I figured that if I don�t like this anymore, I can always refund him the money and tell him to get his own account. Then I said that I think the mortgage company will probably start charging the overdue fees, if the bill is not paid in full and if the escrow issue is not resolved soon, but it is up to him. So, based on that, the number he sent are good with me.

He replied telling me that our mutual friend is helping him with the mortgage and the trust, that the trust fees are $xxx a year and for 7 years it comes to xxxx. And then �I�m not paying late fees. I already paid the correct amount on time since 2008. It will get resolved!�

The good thing is that he is quite optimistic about things getting resolved (big change from a year ago), and not angry, at least not with me. But, that other phrase about him paying the amounts since 2008 kind of p!ssed me off. He�s been only paying the mortgage (by transferring money to me) for the last couple of years. I was paying two mortgages after the BD for more than a year, before he finally was making enough money to pay for the condo. And before the BD, these were both of our money (not mentioning that he was unemployed a lot and I was the main breadwinner.)

So, I almost responded to him in a not very nice way, and also almost told him to go get his own XM account and all other accounts� Then I got my patience shovel... Went for a run at the park� I thought about possible replies and how H would react. I could have left it alone and not reply (so not to disturb a delicate balance of niceness), or I could throw a truth dart� I went with the truth dart. I said �Agree, we did pay the correct amount on time since 2008. I�m glad that it is getting resolved�. The emphasis here was on �we� word. I thought that H might not like this at all. He�s been talking about getting the condo transferred on his name, he wants to claim it as his own� and it IS his place in his mind� And here I am reminding him that it is still a joint property, that we got it together, and that I did pay a lot of money for it. Plus, I think it reminded H how this �I� word was an issue in our marriage sometimes. He used to use �I� instead of �we� in some cases in conversations with people. I politely pointed it out at first, and then it started to be a huge trigger for me, and would give H a piece of my mind. He would normally apologize, saying that he was single for so long that he was used to �I� and not �we�.

Anyway, I was totally expecting the silence and change of behavior (rude) after my reply. Here I am, an evil so-called ex wife, who just cannot �comply� with whatever H is thinking. I sent him another text asking to send me a company file as I need to pay the corporate tax. He answered �ok�. So, I was absolutely sure that he was not happy with my text about the condo.

About an hour later I received this from H: �Ok Bright I just transferred #xxxx to your account. I will let you know if anything changes on the mortgage info.� I guess he went to get his patience shovel too, with the niceness handle attached...

Feel free to give me 2x4s. It probably does look like enabling� Or, maybe having H�s back at the time when he is struggling?.. Will he remember and appreciate this when and if he comes out of the fog? Only time will tell.

Hi Bright - I have noticed that MLC + numbers = fuzzy math on steroids. The most basic financial conversations make my eyes cross and leave me with stars spinning around my head.

I feel like I should have a shot of whiskey before I have any financial conversation w/my MLCer.

I will say, your h seems to be looking out for himself quite well. Make sure you do the very same.

Hi HaWho, I think I�m just not exposed to this MLC numbers all the time. I still think that H is more than capable when it comes to numbers. I keep forgetting that he is in MLC (or is he?), this why he prefers me to handle the numbers. He knows I will do it right.

The impression I get from the reply posts is that I�m doing way too much for H, and he is just enjoying the ride. Sometimes I think this too, and then I remind myself that H singed out the house to me (when he could have asked for a split); that he didn�t take anything from the house, except for his clothes and some personal stuff; that he didn�t take any money from the joint accounts after he left. Yes, I paid for two mortgages for a number of years� Yes, he wants to have this condo for himself (but doesn�t mind me staying there when he is gone, which is kind of throws me off)� I just don�t know anymore� I think I do things for him as I would for a friend. Does he take advantage of it? Probably�

So, the mortgage saga and H�s texts continue� Yesterday I got another text asking me about the info I got when I called the mortgage company.

Then later in the afternoon he sent another text saying �Boy this is a mess.� And then he asked me if I have the copies of all Escrow statements. I had a few meetings at work all afternoon, and then my sister texted me. So, I guess I didn�t see this text from H. Until this morning�

I replied this morning, telling him that I�m sorry, but I was at the meetings and then somehow didn�t see his text until this morning. I told him that I have all the statements and I can scan them and e-mail them to him. He replied right away with Yes, please, he would like all statements since 2008.

Then a couple of hours later I got another text from him. I just could not believe when I looked at my phone that there was another text from H. I�m so used to have the once a month texts about the money transfers and maybe a couple of random other texts, if that� My brain is trained to put H on the back burner for a few weeks after a text exchange. I almost thought that it was kind of disturbing, like he was invading my space to some degree� I guess this is good sign, right? For me. I�m getting to the point when I just want H stay away from my life. And, I�m not even sweating these texts, like I used to. It is just like business as usual. I don�t know where I�m going with this, LOL�

Anyway, in his text H was asking if I was paying the mortgage by wire or send them a check. I answered that I send a check. Oh boy, welcome to the real world, H� He sent Thank you. Then I sent him a text telling him that I would try to scan all escrow statements at work today. He replied with Thank you again, and then gave me some detail about what he is doing to get this escrow thing resolved (drafting letter to the bank and contacting the mortgage company again.) I validated with �what a headache.� He replied �Yup�.

I don�t know why I am posting all these details� I could have said that I just had an ongoing text exchange with H. I just don�t know how to express what I feel. I don�t even know what I feel. It was the longest text exchange with H for a looong time. I know that I�m helping him to resolve a big issue, especially when it comes to money. But, still�

Now I feel stupid for even putting this out there. With the luck of any movement in my sitch, generally, I think this is kind of a big deal. Does it mean anything? Yes and no. It means that we both feel a bit easier to communicate with each other. But, it doesn�t mean there is a new hope. It shows that I�m still the most reliable and generous person H has in his life� But, it doesn�t mean he is changing his mind about the life he has chosen.

Long post again� Sigh�

Bright,
Why do you second guess yourself when you post? The forum is here for posters to feel safe and comfortable in posting whatever comes to mind that may occur during their situation. We have threads on music, recipes, etc. Why? Because it helps to be able to put pen to paper and express our thoughts and finds ways to help refocus on what is important and that is YOU! So, please stop thinking that your postings are boring and no movement taking place. There is movement in each and every posting because you are evolving whether you think it or not.

So, you both are communicating now over the escrow and mortgage issues and this is good. It's common ground to make sure the payments are correct. Your h is very concerned out shucking out a large amount of money right now and so are you.

Is there hope? There is always hope, but you need to continue to keep your expectations very low at this time.

I do hope that you have a good day and stop putting yourself and your thread down...

Hi Bright

I do read your posts and they and others like this reminds me I am not alone. My STBXW is in MLC because I see the same behaviour in mine as I do in yours. Not exactly the same but similar in the odd ways. If that makes sense.

I also doubt my posts. My MLC is a vanisher so I don't deal with her at all. Now that lawyers are involved even less.

You said something in your last post that stuck out to me:

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

I keep forgetting that he is in MLC (or is he?)

I feel like this sometimes. That's why I post and read up on other posts.. to remind me.

thanks again for all your support to me and my D's .. means a lot.
hugs

Irish

Bright, I also wonder from time to time whether I do too much for my h. There's no question that he couldn't be living the life he is now if I weren't doing things like depositing his checks. I (and a lot of others) know how you feel.

There seems to be a fine line between enabling and keeping the door ajar. At least I think so. I try to keep the hope that some day when he comes out of the fog (I'm thinking positive, here) that he will realize that I could have tossed him to the wind, but didn't. IDK what kind of difference that would make but it does keep the path home more smoothly paved. As long as my boundaries are respected, I can live with that.

I also try to remember that he has to complete this journey and while my main focus is to safeguard and take care of myself, I don't want to make that journey worse or longer unless it's necessary for my well-being.

I think it is good that your h is taking the initiative to sort out the mortgage issues. You may need to provide him with the paperwork, etc. but at least he is fighting the fight and taking that off your plate. There was a time when my h would tell me what I should do about stuff like that and leave it on my plate to handle even though he could have taken care of it. (And then get upset when I didn't do it right!)

Please don't feel like your posts are boring. I know mine are too most of the time, but I find it helpful to "get it out" (even if it's sometimes embarrassing - yeah, I've done that). I think it helps us to stop putting so much focus on S, S's issues, our "wonderings" and allows us to refocus on taking care of and making a better "me".

Job, Irish, 2T, thanks for your postings! I really appreciate every post.

Job, the reason I think that my posts are boring is because I don�t have much replies, sometimes none. I can see that people are reading. I think I already posted before that I normally don�t do much journaling. I need connection with people. I don�t talk about my sitch with anybody anymore, not with my friends, not with my family� This board is where I still get some support. When there are no replies to my posts, I just think that there is really nothing to say any more about my sitch and everyone is just tired of same old same old� It is probably the truth anyway� And I do feel silly sometimes for posting the details.

I also know that I�m not a frequent poster myself. I keep up with quite a few thread, just don�t have time and energy to post right away. It takes a bit more of effort from me to write compared to most people.

Anyway, I�m not complaining� I do appreciate all the support from everyone on this board. And I still get a lot of value by reading other stories and advice.

Irish, your MLCer is a lot worse than my, even though there some similarities. There is no question in my mind that your W is in full blown MLC. I just cannot imagine what goes through her mind, but it must be totally from some another world.

2T, I�ve been following your posts too. I can see that you are going through very similar feelings, and thoughts, and questions, as I have been recently. I�m also hoping that one day H comes out of the fog� But� I think I�m starting to give on up that�

Yes, I feel that there is a thin line between cutting off all the enabling behavior and allowing enough time for our H�s to finish their journeys. I just think that when I feel that it is over, none of this will matter anymore.

Yes, the mortgage issues� These are on H�s plate right now. I did all I could to help. The good thing is that he is paying the mortgage (even though both our names are on it, and also on the trust), and it is up to him to sort it out now.

Small update (I think�) I scanned and e-mailed H all the escrow statements. He thanked me. Then next day I received another text from him, asking me to write the principal and escrow amount on the next check that I will send to the mortgage company (which would be less than what�s on the bill.) I replied that I will do, and that I was actually thinking to do exactly the same. He replied �Cool�. Just the fact that he replied is kind of significant. H used to be mad at people who wanted to have the �last� word in texting. He did just that, LOL. I�m sure he just wanted to make sure he was extremely polite with me, LOL.

Now, a couple of �cases� of MLCer bad memory� I sent H a company file a few weeks ago and then asked him to send it back to me after he made his updated (paying the credit card bill). I uploaded his file yesterday and notices that there were a few records missing� Then I restored my file (that I sent to him) and realized that he actually didn�t load my file before making his updates. So, I sent him an e-mail yesterday, attached my file again and asked him to do it right this time � download my file, then make his updates and send the file back to me.

I came home after work and there was no e-mail from H. So, I texted him, telling him about my e-mail. He texted right back� �Oops, I think I downloaded it but forgot to finish it. I will pay attention tomorrow!� OMG! Is this some serious memory/attention issue?... Or� is he playing with me?...

I�m planning on going to the vacation home this weekend, for the off-roads annual event. I�m still trying to sort out the accommodation, since H is still there. I think my son, his GF and maybe their friend will be going too. So, I assume they will stay at the condo with H.

No, your h isn't playing w/you with respect to memory issues. We have had discussions about the memory for many years on the forum. Their memories become mush. They can't read more than a couple of lines of a text, email or letter. Their attention span is that of a gnat. They all have memory issues in their current lives. It's not a game. So, tuck that little question about playing w/you in the file 13 drawer.

It is very important that we check to ensure that payments are made, data updated, etc., to ensure that things are done. In many cases they do forget. Now that you are aware of the memory issue, be sure to check everything he does for the company files, etc.

Bright, what have you been doing for yourself? I like to read more about you. Has your roof been repaired? What are your plans for the spring?

BF

Hi,,,Hope you enjoy the weekend at your vacation home
so good to get away sometimes!

Please don't think we are not replying because your posts are boring. In my case I have no smart answers to give as I have no clue what to do with my cuckoo cachou man lol. I do read them. I think you are doing so good. Take care of yourself and keep posting.

BF,

I totally get the memory issue. I used to wonder, too, if it was some game he was playing, but I saw it a lot with other people and realized his memory is pretty bad. In my sitch, logic and good decision making also seem have taken a hit.

I don't get a lot of replies on my thread either but I keep posting. I figure, if nothing else, it helps others to know they aren't alone in LBS land.

I hope you enjoy the weekend!

Hey Bright

I do read your posts and I know that I should just say : hi, I have read your post, big hugs : just so you know I am thinking about you; lately my posting has become less, maybe because I really feel I have nothing to say that is of any value. I need to a be a better friend to all here.

Navigating this new path we find ourselves on is so challenging huh, it doesn't seem to make any sense until we reflect backwards and see how much we have changed and grown, how much we have learnt, grieved and survived.

I love reading your posts Bright, we all have a connection - our loved one has unexpectedly left us; mentally, emotionally and in most cases physically gone, no explanation, no reasoning and no telling if they will return. Your story, your posts, the highs and lows of Bright help everyone here, you support others with empathy and I thank you for being there for me through my own journey.

I am sorry I don't have anything wise to say, I leave that to those who are better with words and more knowledgeable about mlc and living for yourself; none of which I profess to being any good at. You are living your life as best you can and in a way you feel is right for you, you are honest with your posts and I admire you so much for the ability to be open.

{{hugs}} for you, keep posting and allowing me into your life, lessons are learnt from the most unexpected places.

Hi Bright. Please don't think your posts are boring! I can only keep up with a handful on here and you are one I follow. I just haven't had much wise advice to give!

Many times I only have time to read, and I will speak for many of us here, every post on here helps. It keeps us all connected, knowing we are not alone. It's special for us to be able to help each other through a very traumatizing event in our lives.

Keep posting, even if just to get something off your chest. Sending you hugs, I hope you have a nice time in the vacation home

OMG, thanks everyone, Job, peacetoday, tfish08, 2T, Lou, mleigh! You all made me cry. I�m trying to keep up with everybody�s posts too. I try to post as much as I can. It just not much time lately. And I also understand that everybody has the same thing� not much time to post. It is very comforting to know that my posts could be �useful� for some.

Peacetoday, I am absolutely intended to enjoy my weekend! I will not be staying at my vacation home thought. Some updates to follow�

tfish08, I�ve keeping with your tread too. I just need to find the time to post more. I do think that I�m doing good too� until I have these moments, you know. I�m able to recover a lot quicker these days though.

2T, we need to compare the notes, LOL. We have a lot of similarities in our stories.

Lou, don�t discount yourself, you�ve been giving some great advice to some folks here. And you are definitely one of the super stars here. You are able to navigate this MLC world quite nicely. I know that there are doubts and bad days, but you are doing great! I can see how much you have grown and learnt. It quite remarkable what you were able to accomplish. And I can see that there is a lot more ahead of you.

Mleigh, I read every one of your posts. I can relate to a lot of your feelings. You are questioning if this version of H is it, and if this what you want. I have the same questions, as my H seems to be keeping in touch and there is no known OW, but there is also no movement towards the other side.

Job, I are always the first one to save my @ss, LOL. I cannot even express how much I appreciate it. I did get my roof fixed. It cost me $300, including the tiles and some fixing on the loose edge tiles that needed some re-alignment. I think it was a good deal. About the memory issues� I think it has gotten worse. Is there any correlation between memory getting worse and any stages of MLC? Just curious. H seemed to be more functional before. Or, maybe it just my impression, since we didn�t have this much of �detailed conversations� (read texts and e-mails) before.

I don�t know what my plans for the spring are. I just go with the flow. I�ve been quite depressed about my upcoming B-day. I�m going to the vacation home place this weekend. Except, I will not be staying at the condo, since H is still there. My son and his GF are going too, and I assume they are staying at the condo with H. I called my mutual friends today and they told me that H�s brother (my BIL from here) is going to be there too. Wow! It will be interesting�

My mutual friends finally found a decent deal for me for the accommodations. I don�t want to pay a full rent on some of these condos, it is expensive. So, I was looking for a deal, and after a couple of failed attempts they were able to get one for me. My neighbor is going with me. She decided to go at the last moment and I�m glad that she is coming.

I have absolutely no expectations for this weekend, except for trying to relax and have some fun. I need some time off, as my work life has been quite stressful lately.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention� H sent me a company file today. He also asked me to send any of his mail I have at the house with my son this weekend. I don�t know if he knows that I will be at the vacation home place too this weekend. Not that I need to worry about it. And� I have a package for H that arrives at my house yesterday� I guess his brain does work sometimes� He figured this out perfectly, LOL.

Bright,
Depression and mlc go hand in hand. Memory loss is one of the "ingredients" of mlc. In my opinion, what your h is exhibiting is perfectly normal right now. So, you will need to watch those spreadsheets to ensure that what he's putting down is correct.

Bright, I'd like to hear more about you. It doesn't matter if it's boring or not, but we need to put more focus on you and what you are doing these days. It's time that Bright put herself first. Okay?

Enjoy your time at the vacation spot. Get some much needed rest and try to not talk about your h w/your friends. This is Bright's time away for some peace, quiet and relaxation.

Job, yes, I need to remember about the memory issue with MLCer. I will try to post more about me. I will also try to catch up on other threads. I didn�t not have internet for a few days (at the vacation home place).

Quick update, I hope� Went to the vacation home last weekend with my neighbor friend. I can call her a friend now, not only a neighbor, since she is the one who is still supportive of me.

We arrived on Thursday night at about 8:30 pm and wanted to get something to eat. So, we sent to the pavilion on the property where I knew they would still have some food. We walked in into an end of a karaoke night� And� guess who was there� H was there with his friends, including this crazy woman and her H, my (and his) friends from the condo next door. My GF was a bit confused at first, she didn�t know what to do. I told her that is perfectly fine to walk and say hi to my H. So she did. I walked and greeted the condo neighbors. The crazy woman approached us and said hi to her and we exchanged the hugs. My condo neighbors were right next to H. He seemed to be very happy to see me and I actually got a GOOD hug. Then I and my GF went and sat at the table, ordered the food and listened to the remainder of the karaoke night. H�s brother was not there, he went back to the condo before we arrived, so I didn�t get to see him.

We had a great weekend with my GF/neighbor! We went to see the race, then relaxed by the pool. We went to the sea every day. We went to town with my other GF (mutual friends), we went for dinner to my mutual friends� house one night. My son with his GF and four other friends showed up on Friday night. I haven�t seen them after that, since we all did our own things. I haven�t seen H and his brother for the rest of the weekend. Which was nice, but also brought a bit of sadness� But, I didn�t have any expectations, so it was OK.

And then the weird thing happened� After we crossed the border, I turned my phone on and there was a text from H. He was asking me if I has any discount codes for a one way car rental� WHAT???????? I replied to him after I got back home, that I would look and see if I still have these. I used to be able to find the greatest deals on car rentals by plugging in some corporate rates and coupons I found on the Internet. I used to book all H�s rental cars and hotels. So, I tried a few codes and coupons I had and sent H an e-mail with the best one this morning. When I came to work I had another text from H telling me that this code didn�t work for him, maybe because he on Mexican IP address. So, I decided to offer my help and asked him if he would like me to try this code. He said yes�

At the end, we had an entire morning exchanging the texts. The code I gave him didn�t work for me either, so put a different one and got a decent price. The bottom line is that I booked the car rental for him, just like in the old days� Feel free to give me 2x4, since by doing this I enabled H once more and made his life easier� It was kind of spontaneous for me though. I did the same favor to my GF in the past too, booking her car rental. So, I figured that I would do this for H. After all, this is something completely �new�� he hasn�t asked me to do this kind of favor for him after the BD. Not sure what gotten into him and why he decided to ask me for help� Maybe he �woke up� and thought that he was back in the times when I was still his W, LOL. I thought that it would not hurt to help him this time� and see where it goes� I can always say NO in the future, but at least I have a choice� I have no expectations, it is like I helped a good friend. I have to admit thought that it feels good to know that I�m the last resort when H needs some help.

I think I�m coming down with some cold or flu� I think that I was so overstressed in the last couple of month or so, I was going on an auto pilot. This little vacation gave me so much needed rest, but I�m afraid that it was not enough. So my body is telling me to take more rest. I am working from home today.

Hope you feel better. How weird it must have been to run into H? I can't imagine, but it sounds like you did great. I am glad you had a nice time. I am still thinking about my own get away, I definitely need some beach time

I won't give you a 2x4, but it might give him something to think about if one of these times you don't help him out. You can still do it in a nice way.

Get sleep, drink lots of water, and take vitamin C!

Mleigh, thanks for stopping by. I always have in mind when I�m at the vacation place when H is there, that there is good possibility that I run into him. I was just not prepared for that night. I never thought that H would be �enjoying� karaoke. Yes, something new for him. I was actually surprised that I didn�t run into H more during last weekend, as there are only so many places in town where people hand out.

I was home today, sicker than I was yesterday. I tried to work in the morning, but after 2 pm I was totally exhausted and went to lay down. I slept for 5 hours. I�m still not feeling good. I think I have fever. I hope I will wake up in a lot better shape tomorrow. I will need to go to work. Yes, I�m taking lots of water and teas and some supplements with vitamin C.

Bright - so sorry to hear you are sick. I hope you feel better. Good to hear you had fun!! You deserve it. Rest up.

Hope you are feeling better today!

Bright - thanks for stopping by my thread.

You and I are so much alike when it comes to feeling that we may help out our h's too much. I try to ask myself ... would I do this for a close friend and if I don't lend a hand, how will it make me feel about myself?

Thinking along those lines, I think you did the right thing helping your h with the car rental.

Feel better soon!

Hi Bright, hope you are feeling better.

If it made you feel good helping your H then accept it as that.

Glad you had a good time. Nothing better that a laugh and a smile.

Irish

first Bright, some virtual soup for you! hope you feel better soon xoxoxo

second: I don't know about you, but I get a bit confused about where the line is between being a good friend and allowing h to cakewalk, meaning doing things for H that I would do without thought or question for a friend vs enabling or being taken advantage of.

I think if you are ok with it, then it's not being taken advantage of ... couldn't it be a reminder of what it's like having you on his side? I don't know it I'm making sense here, as I'm really tired, so forgive me if I don't make sense.

feel better soon! xoxoxo

Hi Bright! I've been lurking...but I thought I'd weigh in as someone who still likes to help my H once in awhile. I agree with everyone else; if it is what you would do for a friend, if he's not taking advantage of you, and if you feel just fine about it, then go ahead. We're not trying to punish our spouse or cause them to think they were smart to leave. I think if we leave them with good memories of each interaction, then they are going to have a harder time remembering why it was they needed to run in the first place.

I think this is an interesting MLC topic: the line between building a friendship and enabling cake eating.

Yes, we should only do the things we want to do. However, the problem to me, is that my MLCer often expects me to do things that no friend would normally expect of me. Christmas shopping is one example. My h expected me to do his Christmas shopping for him. Yes, this would probably make him feel more friendly toward me. But would any of my friend's ask this of me?!? Uh - that would be a resounding no!!

MLC comes with a heavy ladle, overspilling with entitlement.

That's an interesting request...Christmas shopping. I had always done all of the shopping for H, except for his presents to me. This year I told him, since he had moved out, that I had gotten presents for our D's and his parents...but I wrote on the cards "from me" only. He thanked me for the warning and gave the kids gift cards, but never got even a card for his parents. Or me.

I think sometimes we feel that because its a habit or expected, that it is our job. But really, are you doing something because its a nice thing to do for anyone, or are you going above and beyond to curry favor?

Ciluzen- good on you! I also kindly forewarned my h I would not be doing his shopping. I told him it felt off. He shopped for his whole family. I think it was good for him as it is a time consuming task that one can take for granted when presents just appear, beautifully wrapped. (Amazon wrapped all his presents!)

MLC and crazy entitlement go hand in hand.

Thanks you mleigh, HaWho, peacetoday, 2T, Irish, bttrfly, ciljuzen for stopping by and for the kind wishes. I feel much better now. I went to work on Friday, but was so miserable, that my manager told me to go back home and have some rest. Which I did. I did do some work online though, and then took a nap. Then I slept in on Saturday. I think I needed this rest so badly. It did the trick. I went grocery shopping on the afternoon and even joined a happy hour/get together in the neighborhood. I didn�t stay too long, but had a great time.

bttrfly, thank you for the virtual soup! It helped too!

Originally Posted By: bttrfly

I don't know about you, but I get a bit confused about where the line is between being a good friend and allowing h to cakewalk, meaning doing things for H that I would do without thought or question for a friend vs enabling or being taken advantage of.

I think if you are ok with it, then it's not being taken advantage of ... couldn't it be a reminder of what it's like having you on his side? I don't know it I'm making sense here, as I'm really tired, so forgive me if I don't make sense.

You are making perfect sense. I see that a lot of us, LBSs, here get confused about that line� And, as everyone pointed out, if it feels right to do things for H, then it should be ok. I was not taken advantage off, I offered my help, like I would to a good friend. And I was thinking the same thing that it could serve as reminder that we used to be a great team with H and I always took care of him.

Originally Posted By: ciluzen

I think if we leave them with good memories of each interaction, then they are going to have a harder time remembering why it was they needed to run in the first place.

Ciluzen, this is a great point! I�m really curious what kind of excuses H is pulling out these days when explaining to people why he left the marriage, especially to people who know me, LOL.

HaWho, good point about Christmas shopping and other things that they EXPECT us to do. I think you would be right to push back on this when you don�t feel like it. My H used to expect me to do a lot of things. I don�t see this as much anymore (well, maybe just with his mail, LOL), I think he is realizing now that I don�t have to do things for him. He is very polite and thankful for the most part now.

Here are some updates.

Yesterday I received an e-mail from my first xh (my son�s father) with the subject �Happy March 8th� and an attached card� with roses and a poetry, wishing me a Happy Women�s Day (Which is March 8th and celebrated widely in Europe)� He used to send this to his long list of women friends, where I was also included. Not sure if this was the case this time as well, but it was kind of weird, because I was not a part of the distribution list for a few years. Not sure what this is about� Just makes me suspicions if he needs something from me or from my son again�

This is interesting because a couple of days before that I came across a site and was thinking to sign up for a meditation course called �Break the Grip of Past Lovers�. I�ve been having these weird dreams recently, where I go from seeing my first xh, then my BF after him, then my H, all mixed in some kind of unrealistic sequence of events. So, when I saw that course, I thought that this is the time for me to start ridding myself of the �impact of past lovers� (this is what they advertise for this course.) This would include H as well. I�m really starting to feel like I am ready to move on and be open for something new in my life.

Then� this morning, I received a long text from H. He said he wanted to thank me again for the setting up the car rental and that it worked out great. He told me that he is back to the state where he normally works and the condo is available for me to use again. He said that he thinks he will be back around the beginning of June for a week or so (hmmmm� this is around my B-day�), and then he asked me to send him a company file. I totally didn�t expect this at all. He already thanked me a couple of time for the car rental arrangement� And I totally didn�t expect him to �offer� me the condo like that. The good news is, I�m still allowed to use it, LOL.

I replied back saying that I�m glad that car rental arrangement worked for him, thanked him for letting me know about the condo, and that I would send the company file shortly. I don�t know, but for some reason this H�s text made me feel good. Maybe because I�m treated like a human being again� and not like a subject that is just part of the business. I think he is actually trying to make an effort to be nice to me. Does it mean I�m in a category of a good friend now?

Interesting thing is that it didn�t make me to up my hopes again. I found myself thinking that I have this rope in my hand, but I�m not holding to it anymore. If H would yank this rope out my hand now, I would just let it go� But� it seems like he tries to not disturb it at the very least�

Going back to work tomorrow. It should be a good week! I will be getting the full bonus for the last year and little bit of a wage increase!

Have a great week, everyone!

nice! all good stuff. yes, i know the course you are talking about. i too have seen the ad. there is quite a point there worth looking at, i think. keep going, Bright, you're doing great! xoxoxo
(glad the soup helped)

I just wanted to pop in and say hello, Bright.

I know what you mean about how nice it is to be treated like a human being again. It brings a bit of peace to the sitch, doesn't it? Being treated like a friend sure beats being treated like the mother of all enemies! It's so much easier to get a handle on your own life when you aren't having to battle the negativity that a MLCer can throw your way as well. It allows us to step outside MLC land and turn the focus onto ourselves and our own journey.

Keep being that friend and perhaps h's effort to be nice will continue to grow.

I think you're doing great. I get a lot of inspiration from you.

I hope you're having a good week. I've been dealing with computer issues most of the week.

bttrfly, I haven�t signed up for the course yet. I�ve been busy with work, more work, some social activities, and still kind of recovering from whatever I had last week (I think it was flu.) I will let you know what I get from the course when I complete it. I�m not expecting it to be some kind of magic, but anything helps, right.

2T, I could not say it better. It is a lot easier to breathe when you don�t have to deal with that point blank indifference from MLCer. I have a pretty good self-confidence in general, but this cold treatment by H was getting under my skin. Actually, it�s been about a year since H started getting really nice and polite with me. And I�m still kind of surprised every time he communicates with me. I guess, I�m still waiting for another shoe to drop, LOL. But, I don�t make anything out of it anymore. Maybe I should�

I have an impression (my intuition tell me this) that H has been trying to be extra polite and helpful� Instead of cutting the ties with me, he is actually trying to keep those ties� I�ve got another e-mail from him this morning� He forwarded me an e-mail from American Express, asking him to provide the info to additional card member (me) and confirm that we received our cards. These are the cards that we normally use at Costco. I know that H has not been using his for other stuff, and he rarely uses it at Costco. He is a primary card holder. I use this card when I shop at Costco and also for Costco gas. The bill comes to me and I pay it. H had only used the card a couple of times, and then transferred the money to me for his part of the bill.

I was under impression that he didn�t want the card anymore and these couple of times when he used it was by �accident� (meaning he didn�t have cash on him, LOL.)

So, in his e-mail he tells me that he received his card (yeah, I mailed the envelope to him) and activated it and that this e-mail is about my card. ????? What????? I thought he wanted to get rid of the �extra� credit cards, to simplify his life� Plus, it would be a logical thing to get out of the joint accounts, right!??? This is just another thing that he is trying to maintain that connects him to me (besides the XM radio, car insurance, joint bank account, AAA membership, etc.) I�m thinking now that this is for a reason� I just need to figure out what reason� Or, not� I don�t need to figure it out� I�m just observing�

I haven�t replied to his e-mail yet. I�m just too busy� I had a happy hour with folks from work on Wednesday, then yesterday I had a lunch with the guy who wants me to do some consulting work for him (I did some projects for him before), and today I got invited to a St. Patrick�s Day parade that is happening tomorrow with two of my GFs. We are riding on a fire truck!!! I�m not kidding! This should be so much fun!

Hi Bright, yes as you say it does sound as though he doesn't want to fully sever the links. It's strange isn't it as in 'normal' circumstances, a spouse would probably want to move on fully. But there isn't much normal about MLC is there?

I must admit, I'm unsure about providing so much helpful support. I'm more of the opinion - well, you wanted to leave the M, so you can 'do' for yourself H. But, who knows it may pave the way for possible R somewhere down the line and my harder line approach may not serve me well. I guess it is the 'doormat' (I'm your personal asst) aspects that trouble me, but in my sitch the R with OW is very much ongoing, so circumstances are different.

I'm glad that your H is being more polite and helpful though and glad you are feeling better too. Hope you have a great weekend xx

Bright,
There is no rhyme or reason for what they do. However, I personally think that he wants you to be involved in the accounts, because you monitor them and are the reliable "mom" that will ensure that they get paid or remind him to pay them.

Also, you've not rocked his boat about what his intentions are or pushed him to cut the ties, therefore, he can afford to be nice to you from afar, i.e., after all, you've been doing a lot of stuff for him and as long as he's got someone doing this stuff for him, why would he want to think about cutting ties?

At some point, you'll need to do a pulse check to see where his mind is at. Don't be afraid to try something different. Sometimes we have to do this to help them see that we are moving forward and aren't waiting around for them to say "I'm sorry and I want to come home". In many cases enabling them is not helping them to grow up and become mature individuals who can be responsible and accountable for their actions.

So, what's on your agenda this weekend that you are doing for YOU?

Sotto, thanks for stopping by. Please don�t diminish your support. I appreciate all the opinions that you guys post to me. I have been keeping up with your posts and also reading your posts to others. You have a lot of good advice to share. Yes, you might approach the things differently and your circumstances are different, but I still learn a lot from you. In my case, if there would be a known OW, who knows how I would react.

Job, I have the impression from your posts that you think I should stop doing things for H and cut him dry. I read on other threads that people are encouraged to develop/maintain some kind of friendships with their spouses. I�m not sure if I�m misreading it, but it seems to me that it doesn�t apply to my sitch. I really don�t understand what is different with me.

Originally Posted By: job

after all, you've been doing a lot of stuff for him and as long as he's got someone doing this stuff for him, why would he want to think about cutting ties?

I think he would want to cut ties with me because this is what he wanted to do, because he was unhappy with me, because he wanted to be free of me, to start his new �phase� of life... I�m sure he is smart enough to understand that he cannot truly start the next phase of his life while still connected to me. And� allowing me to stay at the condo� and allowing me to keep my clothes and my stuff in the bedroom� and having the joint accounts, etc�

I constantly think about this enabling thing though� I think I just have to naturally come to the point when I would not want to do this anymore. This would mean that I would be completely DONE. No way back. The thoughts of him not being that guy anymore constantly cross my mind recently.

I think that he tries to keep these ties with me and also being nice, because he feels that I�m moving on.

I�m also not sure what else I can do for GAL� I went to a St. Patrick�s Day parade and activities yesterday. We did ride on a fire truck � the old one, from the museum. We had a lot of fun! A lot of drinking too� Today, I went to my hair stylist and got my hair done, then cooked dinner, my son came over after the gym, we ate and I gave him lots of leftovers. He is taking 5 classes at the university and working full time (well, with the exception when he takes the classes.) He was very appreciative about the food I gave him.

Job, is there something I�m missing? I think I do things for me all the time (I actually think that I even became too selfish in this department, LOL), but you keep asking me what I do for me. What is it you see that I don�t see? I would really like to know.

Bright,

In many instances, we do encourage doing things for the wayward spouse, however, there comes a time when people will need to decide just how long they are going to continue doing so. At some point, when there is little to no movement (indications) that the wayward spouse is waking up or actually reconnecting, then something has to change. A person can either increase communication just a wee bit to see if the wayward spouse will begin responding more frequently or slowly decease some of those activities that a wayward spouse has left in the person's hands to see if there is any type of reaction and/or allow them to grow up and take on some responsibility.

Actually they can start a new phase of their lives while remaining married and living happily ever after w/o filing for divorce. If the wayward spouse gets involved w/op, they can always use the excuse that they are already married. Some of them are very happy to have their spouses continue to act as their "agents" and they can go about their business and know that they've got you in their back pocket if they ever wish to return. There are many cases where the wayward spouse just ups and leaves never to be seen or heard from again and the left behind spouse carries on as if the wayward spouse will return one day. Now, this could be a normal situation or a MLC situation. It's really anyone's guess, but it does happen.

Don't panic over what I've written. Am I saying that this is the situation w/you? I honestly don't know. You know your h better than any of us.

I'm glad to see that you've had a busy weekend. You need the GAL activities to help free your mind of MLC for a while.

I'm not telling you what to do, but I am offering you advice/suggestions to make you think about your situation and how to change things up. I think it would be best if I stepped away from your thread for a bit as you tend to get a bit upset/frustrated w/my postings and right now, you don't need to feel that way as you have enough to deal with.

The whole issue of how much to "do" or support the MLCer reminds me of my elders asking why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? LOL.

I think I look at what I do for h on a case by case basis. Some things I do because it's actually in MY best interest to make sure they are done ... like paying utility bills or maintaining the house. We don't split the utility bills since he doesn't live in the house, but he does pay his half of maintenance, insurance and such.

I could stop doing things like depositing his checks, but that would make his life a complete and total train wreck (even more so than it already is) and I have no desire to actually do him harm. I figure since I voiced my displeasure about doing that, perhaps he'll be a little more appreciative that I do. Probably wishful thinking, but I'm not ready for WWIII. He doesn't seem to look at me as the enemy anymore, so why become one??

There is no one size fits all and the only ones who can really determine if what we are doing, helping or not, is the right thing to do in our sitch is us.

I do agree with Job, however, that if the sitch becomes stagnant with no movement, then it's time to change something. But only you, Bright, can really know when that time is right.

Originally Posted By: BrightFuture

I constantly think about this enabling thing though� I think I just have to naturally come to the point when I would not want to do this anymore. This would mean that I would be completely DONE. No way back.

^^^This is how I see it.

We have to be true to ourselves, be ourselves. That may mean doing things for a wayward spouse longer than someone else would. You never want to withhold for desired effect. The time to pull back will come naturally, if it ever does. And yes, it very likely would mean we are done.

Job, thanks for the feedback. I�m not upset or frustrated with your postings. I just wanted to know how my sitch is different. I know that it�s been longer than most sitches here, and this is probably why I don�t get much response anymore. As I mentioned multiple times I feel like my sitch has been so slow that people are just tired of repeating the same things over and over and are not actually paying much attention to the details.

I actually do think that there has been more communication with H recently, and he is using more excuses to remind about himself. And I�ve replying to all his e-mails and texts to see if this would lead somewhere. But, I understand that it is still a bit slow.

Job, if you feel like you need to step away from my sitch, I will understand that. I would still love to �hear� your opinion, but it is your choice to post or not. You have been one of my most loyal supporters through all of this and will always appreciate this.

2T, same here, sometimes it is in my best interest to do things for H. Plus, he�s been pretty appreciative for all the things I do for him recently.

FY, thanks. I needed to hear this, that some of us would do things for a MLCer (I think wayward means something different and it comes with the nasty behavior) spouse longer than others. Like I said before, sometimes I envy people who can just move from one R to another within a short period of time. And I definitely don�t want to stop doing things just to see if it shakes him up. I just don�t have much energy or motivation for this right now. I might be in a similar boat with H, not making any changes, because it is just comfortable for me to keep the things the way they are.

Small update. First, for GAL. Had a happy hour on Friday at work. Went to my sister�s yesterday. And today I was invited for a BBQ at my neighbor�s for her B-day (this is a neighbor and a friend who went with me to the vacation home place last time and who I can still talk to about my sitch and not being pressures on any action.)

H has been in more contact via texts and e-mails. I sent him an e-mail with the attachment of the letter from the condo mortgage company where they are threatening to not take any more payments, because we didn�t pay the full amount on the last one (like H instructed me I paid the �old� amount, disregarding the inflated escrow.) I also asked him what he wanted to do about the taxes this year.

Got an e-mail back from him� He gladly decided to do the joint taxes this year again. And he vented about the mortgage (he actually said, that he was �just venting�.) So, I�m going to validate his �venting� regarding the mortgage. His texts are also coming at some odd times� Like after 10 pm my time� I don�t remember when I got his texts this late at night, especially after the BD. He would either text me before that, or wait for the next day. Not sure if he feels more at ease with me, or he does it deliberately� I kind of feel that he wants to remind about himself more these days.

I�m going to a car dealership tomorrow. I need a new car. Mine is 15 years old and I need to replace it before I spend any more money on the repairs. It will be the first time in my life when I will go car shopping on my own.

Then, on Thursday, I�m going to the vacation home. This time I can stay at the condo and I�m not taking anyone with me, just my dog. I�m looking forward to the relaxing time and walks on the beach. The condo might look completely different, as H did some re-painting and re-decorating, but I don�t care. To me it is a free rental, where I still should have my stuff, like some clothes, dog stuff, etc� I will see if it is still there� I assume it is� judging from H�s comments�

Bright,
I'm glad you had a nice weekend. What type of car are you looking at? There are some good sales going on right now and I'm sure you'll find a nice car in no time at all.

I do hope that you enjoy your time away next weekend. Sometimes we need to get away by ourselves to just recharge those batteries and relax a bit.

Good luck on the car shopping.

Hi job, thanks for stopping by! I contemplated a lot a car I want to buy� I�ve been set on Audi for a few years now. I have a 2001 Passat, V6, and I love it. I still like the car, the interior, the seats, the drive (even though it has been deteriorating recently). But, this car has almost 148,000 miles on it. I t already cost me about $1,000 in repairs last year, and who knows what else can go wrong. I was told 2 years ago that the transmission was going bad and was about to give in... I drove 2 more years after I was told that I needed to replace the transmission. I just don�t want to take any risks any longer�.

So, I was looking for a used Audi (that came from a lease)� My GF�s brother works at the dealership, and she told me that he could give me a great deal. I went there tonight� He gave me a few deals on the used cars, and also told me that the best deal was for the new 2016 car� because they need to get rid of them in anticipation of the 2017 models. I was not considering this, but� he really gives me a great deal� I�m almost convinced� It is more than I wanted to spend on a car� But, I think I deserve it (I do have 2 Masters Degrees after all)� and I can afford it (sort of, considering the financing)� And it could be the best present for my 50th B-day! (Am I having a midlife crisis myself???) IDK� I could never dream that I would be able to afford an Audi� And here I am� And I don�t even need H for this� I can do it on my own!

So� I need to make a decision the next couple of days to get that deal I was offered� I�m very excited regardless of what I decide to do, new or used!

Oh, and in the past, H used to keep a check on me� Not anymore� Am I setting myself for a disaster???

If you can get a good deal on a 2016, I would go for it...that is if you can afford it. Yes, they are trying to sell the 2016's to make room for the 2017's. Audi is a good car and I think you would love it. At least w/a new car you will know that you are the first owner and just think...new car smell. I love that smell!

You've done a lot on your own and you can do this too!

I did it! Got a new car! Job, your opinion was among a few others (my sister�s and her H specifically) that influenced my decision. I have a brand new car! Yes, with that new car smell!!! I drove it to work and back today and I love it!!!! I�m still a bit shaken from realizing that I have a car loan now� I did own my old car for 11 years after paying the loan on it. I�m so used to not having the car payments that this is going to be a bit of a shock, even though I put a significant down payment... BUT�. It is fun to drive! And I�m going to enjoy it!

The odd part was when they asked me about the insurance� and discovered that I have H�s car on it, which is a Toyota� And they gave me $1000 in rebates, because I had a Toyota in the �household�! Can you believe this! I got a discount because I still had H�s car on the same insurance policy! I guess my intuition was/is steering me on the right path, LOL!

I�m driving my old car to the vacation home tomorrow though. I have a fast access pass on it and the Mexican insurance. I hope it can still make this last trip� The good thing is that I know that if something happens with the old car, I have a new one waiting for me at home!

I�ve been in a sort of a fog for the last few days� I still cannot believe that I bought a new car� And� I�m worried that it could close the R door for H� He would be to intimidated� But� I don�t know if I care anymore�

I love this! What an exciting, independent, empowering thing that you did! I can feel your excitement bubbling up through the computer screen...its very contagious. Very happy for you!

Congratulations on purchasing the new car! You will love it and that new car smell...it's wonderful...isn't it? It was time to get a new one and let's face it, your old car didn't owe you a penny. BTW, what are you going to do w/the old car? Sell it? Keep it as a spare?

I like the idea of getting rebates and that's great! Please be careful driving to the vacation place. I wouldn't worry about what your h thinks about the new car. The only person that you have to worry about is yourself and you know what? I would be smiling each and every time I got in it.

Have fun!

Great job, Bright. Continue enjoying your new ride... Oh, and your new car!

adding my congratulations!!!! safe travels my dear and keep following your intuition.

xoxoxoxo

Good for you with the car Bright. I've followed your lead and I pick up my new car next week! I decided ages ago exactly what I want and I'm really looking forward to it. It's a divorce present to me.

Enjoy your trip xx

Wow, Bright. I don't think I could buy a car on my own! I'm so impressed. Congrats.

You and I have been at this a long time under similar circumstances. I totally get it when you say you don't know if you care anymore what H thinks or how he feels about something you said or did because I sometimes feel that way as well.

I hope your weekend is heavenly!

Thanks everyone, ciluzen, job, FY, bttrfly, Sotto, 2T!

Sotto, I�m so happy that you have decided on the new car. It will be a great D present, for sure!

Job, I am smiling every time I get in my new car! I�m still not decided what I want to do with my old car. My mutual friend at the vacation home wanted to buy it 2 years, when I first mentioned that I wanted a new car. I will ask him if he still wants it. On the other hand, this car made it to the vacation home just fine. It doesn�t have much value, maybe about 1500 at the most, insurance on it cheap, Mexico insurance is also cheap. So, I don�t really know� I am just afraid that if something breaks, it will cost a lot of money (like transmission), and I don�t want to put any more money into that car. I will see.

Some updates. I drove to the vacation home last night. I was a bit nervous about how I would take the changes and redecorating that H did at the condo. So, when I came in, first things I saw were the window coverings. He also painted a couple of walls in a different color (accent walls) and around the fire place to match with other colors. I actually like it. This is something that goes along with my taste. The window curtains are nice. The only thing I would do different is the curtains on the three top small windows. They look a bit too busy. H also put the mirror on one of the walls in the living room. Yes, that mirror he had in his car when he �wanted� to pick up the storage chest from my house, and it didn�t fit in the car, LOL.

There are no changes in the bedrooms. All my stuff is still in place, not a single thing got moved.

A couple of �strange� things� There are lots of scented candles in different shapes and containers. Probably the influence of that crazy woman, his friend. I�m not even sure if H can actually smell anything. He had this issue for a long time. He lost his sense of smell because of his allergies and polyps. He regained the sense of smell after his first surgery for polyp�s removal. He had the second surgery a year after the BD, so I don�t know what the result of it was.

Another thing is, he removed all the personal pictures from the living room. That includes a couple of my and my sons pictures, but also all his pictures. He moved them to the spare bedroom. I don�t know, maybe he is planning to rent the condo when he is not here. I haven�t heard anything like that yet.

And� he covered two small windows that are above the stairway to the second floor with some colored paper. These window are way high, and facing the roof top of the neighbor�s condo. There is no privacy concern. Maybe he did it, so they would not show all the dirt that accumulated on the outside of them. Also, the curtains on the top small windows in the living room are not necessary for privacy concerns. I don�t think there is much view of anything from outside. It kind of gives me an impressing that H is trying to hide from the outside world.

Overall, I was surprised that all these changes actually don�t bother me. I feel very comfortable here. I have a feeling that H actually wants me to stay here. This is very strange.

Bright,
You have to remember that the MLCer wants "change". So, what does he do? He starts changing things at the vacation home, i.e., paint, curtains, etc. As for the candles, it could be that the place might get a little bit of a stuffy smell and he wants to give it that "fresh" smell of something new. But, they do tend to do the exact opposite of what we would have expected from the old self.

As for the car, if you are concerned that it will probably cost you a bunch of money later on, I'd seriously think about selling it. I'm sure that there is someone out there that would love to have it and can use their expertise in the auto field to fix it up if something should go wrong.

Enjoy your time away!

Some more updates�

I went to my mutual friends� house last night. My male friend already had too much alcohol by the time I came (way after 9 pm), so he went to bed. I and my GF ate late dinner, sat outside and chatted. I asked her if she knows if the condo/trust issue is getting resolved, as it concerns me, because I realized that it could affect my credit score. (Since H only wants to pay the �old� mortgage amount, and mortgage company already started sending the threatening letters about short payment.) She gave me some info and also told me that all this is very complicated. What H wanted to do in terms of transferring the condo to his name, would cost $15,000 to $20,000. I guess they all found out that it is not that simple (exactly what I was telling them before.)

Then my GF brought a couple of subjects about H� Was totally not prompted by me, LOL. Will not go into much detail, but here is something that made me think� She brought up the subject of her cousin again and how H was giving my GF a hard time that she intervened and didn�t let that relationship to develop. So, H confined into her H� He said that he can see how his interest in my GF�s cousin caused some hurt and hard feelings for my GF. And also, that he only wanted a fling, and not a serious R. And� that he doesn�t see how it would work out for a serious R. REALLY!!! First, he must have a memory loss. He did want a serious R (or at least he thought about it at that time), I have the evidence (a couple of e-mails). Second, I think there is some remorse about that story. H would not talk about anything with his friends unless it would really bother him. So, this �confession� is kind of significant. Maybe he is slowly waking up to see how selfish and hurtful his actions were. Next step would be to actually talk to my GF and apologize to her. And then... could I be next??? Not holding my breath though...

This confirms what my intuition tells me. I think H is starting to see something through his pink colored glasses�

My GF also told me how H always talks about this crazy woman�s family like they are a perfect family that he would always wanted. That the kids are doing great, the parents are having fun, and how kind this crazy woman is to other people, and how great her R with her H is, blah, blah, blah� (Is he having some regrets about not wanting his own kids???)

In comparison� my son is doing great, BTW. Not his biological son, but he raised him. And� I�m having fun and doing things� And� I�m kind and people like me, I have lots of friends now! The only thing that was missing� H�s inability to appreciate all of it and not taking care of his family. Maybe he will learn a thing or two from this crazy woman, LOL.

OK, I�m off to the beach with my dog now. I�m so excited to be here and actually be at ease with myself.

Bringing Job�s post from HaWho�s thread.

Originally Posted By: job

Bright,

ADs take the edge off of depression to help them cope w/day-today activities. ADs generally do not make everything go away and sometimes people have issues w/the ADs and come off of them because of those issues. He may or may not recognize that he has depression even though he is on meds. I know that my friend knew that he wasn't feeling well, but would never admit to depression. In fact he asked his GP why he was being described Paxil and the GP told him to go around the corner and request an appointment w/the doctor there. Guess what field the doctor was in? He was a shrink! Of course, my friend didn't do it because he didn't think he needed to see a shrink nor did he take the Paxil. So, the question is this...is your h actually taking the meds as prescribed or only when he thinks about it? I'm sure you don't know the answer to that one.

As for being off the hook for his unhappiness....no one knows the answer to this except your h. He could still be unhappy w/his life and from what you've stated about him changing up some of the decorating in the condo, it sounds like he's still looking for "change" in his life. He's making changes to make himself happy for the time being. Does he have a better chance of coming out of MLC and not getting stuck? The million dollar question will be...has he accepted that he can't change anything from his childhood and is now ready to grow up? They have to face those issues, realize that they weren't at fault and accept that they didn't have any control to change what happened. If they can do that, then they have a better chance to continue moving along, growing up and coming out the other side of their crisis. Again, ADs is not the miracle pill to fixing the MLCer...it just helps them cope with day-to-day life. Eventually, the depression will lift if he continues moving along the path and if he's taking ADs, he may not require them after the crisis is over, but again, no one knows whether he will or not.

Bottom line, he still has to work thru his crisis, ADs or not, in order to come out the other side. Also, people taking ADs should not mix alcohol and/or other drugs w/the ADs, but some ignore the warnings and still drink. It's not a wise thing to do.

There's nothing any of us an do to make the crisis better for them. We can't fix them...they have to do that and that means working thru their crisis at their own speed. If they take ADs, that will help take the edge off the depression, but the depression is still there and again, the crisis' main ingredient is depression. They must work thru the entire crisis to come out the other side. If your h is taking ADs, that's a good thing and it helps him cope w/day-to-day life and work a job.

You already know what I'm going to say, but I'm going to repeat myself again...keep the focus on you. There is no way that any of us can predict what will happen in any situation and your h doesn't know himself at this time. As he works thru his crisis, he will come to realize that you were not the issue of his unhappiness, but he's not there yet and it could take a while for him to get to this point. I would continue to live my life to the fullest and, if and when, he does, come to you to talk about things, I would suggest that you listen and validate. Do not offer any advice unless you are asked. Again, it will happen, but it will be on his time clock, not yours.

Job, I think for H to be on AD meds means it�s got to be really bad for him. Or, he is trying the meds to see if this could make him happier. He is drinking too, I�m sure. Don�t know how much though, I haven�t heard of any reports of him being totally wasted for some time now. I�m sure that he knows that he has an issue (depression), he would not be just taking the meds.

I know that he is still unhappy, searching for that perfect �family� or partner (his comments about the perfect family of that crazy woman) and condo decorations are probably another attempt to see if it will make a difference in his life. And, I�m sure it will, for a while� I think he will be asking for my opinion/validation about the condo re-decoration at some point.

I think the next �logical� step for H would be to seek a help from IC. When he figures that re-decorating, partying with friends, taking AD meds is not making him happy, I think he will try IC. I might be wrong. It depends how bad it is for him and if he is getting any closer to working on his childhood issues.

I�m just curious if there are any patterns of MLCers who come through the crisis and make it to the other side dependent on whether they were taking ADs or not.

Job, I�m well prepared to listen and validate if H ever comes to talk to me. Thanks to this site, people like you, and all the work I�ve done to get me where I am now.

BTW, I had to move some candles to the spare bedroom, because I just could not stand the smell when I was in the living room, LOL. I didn't bring them back where I found them when I left. I think I need to let H know why I did it. Or, maybe not... Depending on who will be at the condo next.

I thought that I�d follow up the post about the depression with another update.

My male friend from the vacation home told me that I need to take the condo mortgage issue into my own hands, as he is not sure H can handle it on his own. This was quite a shocker to me. My mutual friends never told me that H was incapable of doing something. And now they think that he is too messed up to take care of things properly.

What I �see� is that H is trying to take care of things� But, I think it is more like in a teenage way. Subconsciously he understands that he needs to take care of things and he wants to take care of things, but his actions not as mature as one would think� This is just my impression. And he could be just the guy he�s always been, trusting for people to take care of their side of the business. Which is clearly not happening with the condo mortgage and bank trust.

So, my friend�s comment made me worry� I don�t want my credit ruined because of the condo mortgage issue� I just got a car loan and my credit score was somewhere around 830 +. I want to keep it this way, in case I want refi a home mortgage or a car loan, or get another credit on something I need and want. I also worry about H�

Received a text from him that was sent when I was at the vacation home. My phone was off, so I didn�t reply until this morning. In his text he was letting me know that I will be receiving a letter (not sure if is from mortgage company or the bank trust) stating where the escrow money was paid to. He also asked me to pay the usual (�old�) amount for mortgage, which I already did. I replied to him that I paid and that I will wait for the letter. So, he hasn�t dropped the ball yet, he is still trying to resolve this issue. I�m sure it is contributing to his depression, but he is trying not to show it, at least to me.

Bright,

I think your friend is correct in advising you to take over the mortgage issue. Your h is having a difficult time figuring things out and you do not want your credit rating ruined just because he can't figure out what to do and how to communicate w/the mortgage company.

Their brains aren't functioning up to par and their attention span is that of a gnat. As teenagers, they don't realize the consequences of not taking care of such things in a timely manner and ensuring that they follow up on things.

As for the candles...been there and done that one too!

Thanks, job. I guess I will keep an eye on the mortgage. I checked the bank account and it looks like the mortgage company cashed the check, which is great news!

I added my new car to the insurance policy. I got an update today via e-mail. I thought it would be just my new car addition� Then I saw H�s truck insurance came up significantly, so I called the insurance company� They told me that there is some kind of traffic/accident thing came up on H just recently, and this is why his truck insurance went up. ????? I immediately thought that H was in the accident or something� Then I remembered that I saw that he got a speeding ticket last summer when he was driving to pick up that woman that I thought was an OW. I don�t know. I�m tired today� I have 5K run this Sunday� I�m going to pick up my bib and stuff for the run tomorrow� My BIL (H�s brother) is going with me�

I haven�t asked H about the traffic infraction yet. I will do it this weekend, since I will have to give him the numbers for his portion of car insurance. I just hope that he is not hurt or anything�

My mutual friends called me yesterday, and the male friend told me that he spoke with H. I assume that if H would be hurt in an accident, my mutual friends would know�

Oh, and mutual friend GF is in distress over her job� And my other GF called me to vent about her daughter� I suppose I�m still a lighthouse for people� They are looking for my support� This makes me think that I�m actually doing a lot better than I think.

Have a great weekend everyone! I�ve been reading your threads. I just had not much time to post. I will try to catch up!

Hi Bright.

Job is right about the mortgage issue and your credit. I told H what my credit score was a while ago and he was surprised as his had fallen below mine by about 30 to 40 points. It used to be slightly higher than mine. I suggest you keep a close eye on things.

Hope you enjoy the 5K tomorrow. My hat's off to you. No way I could do that!

2T, thanks for stopping by.
I finally figured out the car insurance thing. The original renewal showed H as primary driver on my old car (the got it all mixed up), and this why my car insurance went up (and I was wondering why). So, after the corrected it they listed H on his truck and then his car. This made truck insurance go up. So, it took me another call to the insurance company to remove H from all cars, except for his car as a driver. Now, it only affects his car premium, which is higher than last year because of a traffic infraction.

I will be sending him the numbers tomorrow.

I run the 5K this morning. It was tough. I think I did worse than last year. I was not in my best shape today, plus I gained a couple more pounds since last year. I�ve been trying to lose some weight, but it is very difficult, especially with all the parties and happy hours. I think the drinking is what contributes the most, because I normally eat healthy and in small portions.

My BIL, my son and a couple of other friends were at the run as well. My son finished in the first 250 runners and got a special medal. Wow! At first I was just so happy for him. Later in the afternoon, after I got home, I had so many emotions about this. I thought about what my mutual friend told me last weekend, how H talks about the perfect family that that crazy woman has. I thought how proud I am for my son and how he is accomplishing a lot in his life. How it surprises me sometimes (remembering that my son was a rebellious teenager and had to finish the high school in independent study program)� And how I also realize that my son has a lot of qualities that I always wanted in my son. He is strong, he is smart, he is kind, he gets the things done when he is determined, and he is also physically fit. He is a lot like me. He�s been through some tough times in his life, and he is coming through just fine.
So, H, don�t you see a perfect family here that you decided to abandon?!!

I did post the update about today�s run and my son�s accomplishment on FB. H hope I will see it, since a few of his (and my) friends commented on it.

On another note, just received a text from H asking me if I received a letter from the mortgage company. He is concerned, and it is a good sign. He is trying to resolve the escrow issue and it looks like he is on top of the situation, as much as he can. I will be still keeping an eye on it.

Sorry, not in my best writing mood, LOL. Just a lot of gibberish...

Some updates. I had a busy week. Received the taxes and had to review them before signing. I also sent H a text asking him how he wanted to handle his signature on the tax return. He replied that I either could send it to him, or just sign for him (which I used to do sometimes when we were still together.) I told him that I would e-mail the pages to him and if he could print, sign, scan and send them back to me, or fax to the accountant.

To make the story short, we had some issues with the business e-mail accounts, so he could not download his e-mails. He texted me that he would probably need to take his laptop to the repair shop again to get his e-mail fixed. That was before I discovered that I also could not download my e-mails. So, I got on the chat and was able to resolve the issue with the Internet provider. I took care of things one more time� as I always did.

Yesterday I got a �two page� text from him, LOL. It was split into like 4 or 5 texts, this how long it was. It was just more about the business (car insurance, e-mails, tax returns�) It was not exactly business kind of dry either. I think he is putting some more effort into the communication with me. Always addressing me by name, being very polite, etc. I just replied in businesslike manner and thanked him for things. Then it occurred to me� I�m no longer thinking how and what I reply to him. And, maybe I should�

I think I lost my DB training, LOL. I don�t think I�m DBing anymore. I just treat him as an old friend who needs some help. I do take care of my stuff first though. Sometimes I think that I might need to put a little more thought in my replies. There is definitely an increase in communication from him. Last week I received the texts from him almost every day. All business related, but all of a sadden he seems to be more involved and more appreciative. It seems like he is trying to make a good impression. Did I mention that he is extremely nice to me� It does feel good. I think I made it back to a decent human being, LOL. Compared how he treated me the first coupled years after the BD, like I was nobody, just a business entity, and quite often an annoying one.

So, maybe I need to re-evaluate how I respond to him. Maybe I should engage more. Which I do sometimes, when I feel like it. This is the thing. I do what I feel like and don�t think much about what kind of impression I make on H. I just don�t care anymore.

I have a feeling that he is depressed again. It is like his brain is scattered. He makes stupid mistakes. Just got another text from him while I was typing this, that he accidentally withdrew money from my (joint) account at ATM, but he transferred the money back. He never mixed up the accounts before (except for one time last year.)

It seems like he is tired and not �fighting� things anymore (he didn�t question his portion of car insurance this year, even though it went up because of higher mileage and his ticket). He just transferred the money to me.

At the same time, it seems like he is trying his best to take care of things. The condo mortgage� making sure I received his signed tax return (another text from him today). Not sure if he is doing this in general, or only when it comes to me. I think that he probably realized that I didn�t throw him under the bus, that I kept taking care of things, and that it actually made his life over the last few years easier. I do feel that this is the case.

So, the question is, how do widen the lines of communication? And do I really want it? I need to dust off my DB book and read it again. Maybe I will get an inspiration.

On the social front. Had another happy hour with people from work. Going to my sister�s for dinner tonight. Going to the movie tomorrow with a couple of GFs from work.

Well, once again, we really get each other Bright. I know what you mean, treating H as a friend who needs help, not really caring about what he thinks much anymore.

Yesterday, after H left my place, I realized I was not watching everything I said, or everything I did, I was just me, enjoying a friend's company....no attraction or thinking, how can I save us? It's a weird place, huh?

I too want to open the communication but not sure how. H has fallen so into "friend" territory, it's hard to think of him as anything more. I like your idea of rereading DB. The last couple of times I tried, I was just not feeling it. IDK, let me know if you come up with any ideas.

Thanks, mleigh, for stopping by. I haven't started reading DB again yet. I guess, I just don't have a strong enough motivation. I'm kind of waiting to see what happens next. Whether H will continue to initiate more communication, or will go back into the rabbit hole.

I would like to hear some ideas and opinions... Sometimes it is hard to see things in your own sitch. Maybe I'm just delusional and making stuff up in my head, LOL.

Hi Bright, well I don't see any harm in dropping in a non-business chatty element and see if he is responsive. If he ignores that comment, you'll know that he's not really in a place to engage in that. And if he responds positively, you can always drop in another comment later or respond back to him.

I think doing some little 'science experiments' is fine as long as that doesn't impact on your own detachment and forward momentum.

It's good that you think less about how your comms may be received. The longer we get from BD, the more important I think it is to make 'less reference' to our MLCers in our interactions. It's good to get to a point where you just communicate constructively and authentically - and where you also have in mind 'does this work for me?'

JMHO of course - and it's hard to comment on what may be happening at his end of things. Again, I would say note, think 'that's interesting' and move forward. The way I look at my own sitch is - unless there is some huge awakening and turning back from his end - which I presume he would tell me about - anything less/other than that isn't worth more than a moment of my interest.

Hope this helps and take care xx

Sotto, thanks for stopping by and for your feedback. I don�t think any �science experiments� would have any impact on me at this time. I do realize that there is no �big� movements. I also know that my H is a very stubborn man and any decision to reconsider his past decisions would be like pulling teeth, LOL. I am at the point when I�m not really interested putting any big effort into keeping the communication going. I think I would rather wait if something more meaningful comes out of this, and if he would make any more effort on his side. I just don�t want to miss any signs of attempts to connect� Just in case� Knowing him� I don�t think an awakening will mean him coming down to his knees to reconnect. I think it will be careful testing of waters� and then some excuses for his behavior�

But� On the second thought� If he wants something really bad, he can do it! So, I will just keep minding my own business and doing my own stuff�

Sotto, thanks again. Sometimes just a couple of thoughtful words can bring me back to the reality.

Bright,
How is the new car working out? I'm glad you got the insurance issue(s) all taken care of.

You had mentioned in an earlier posting that your h might be depressed again...Bright, the depression doesn't go away, it is always there until they come out of the crisis and in some cases, it may be something he will have for the rest of his life which he will need to be on meds for.

Don't try to over think the condo redecorating stuff. No one knows what is going on in his head and I still think he redecorated to make a "change" to see if he would feel better when he is there. It could be redecorated again in six months! LOL!

As for taking care of the internet problem...good for you. See, he can't even think straight to figure out what he needs to do first, i.e., call the internet provider to see if the problem can be fixed or to take it to the shop and pay big bucks and nothing is wrong w/it. They just can't put two and two together when it comes to making decisions about stuff. Their brains are scrambled at best and depression does that to them.

I'm glad to see that you've had some fun and ran the race. I do hope that you've got some plans for the holiday at the end of May and I do hope that you are enjoying your new car.

Job, I�m so happy to see you back! There was quite a worry about you on this board. I�m sure you�ve read the posts on other threads� I�m also very grateful that I�m one of a few people you posted to when you came back from your break (I hope everything is good in your world.) Thanks for your advice, as always. I don�t know if H will be re-decorating again in 6 months or so, LOL. I don�t think he has much money. From whatever info I gather, it seem like H is in a different kind of depression� I don�t think there is much replay going on at the moment (judging by the credit card spending, which are much tamed right now, especially at his usual favorite restaurants.) This is as much I will say� I do have more details, but it doesn�t look like these posting generate much interest anymore. It might be beneficial for my own records to keep a journal, but I�m not really good at it anyway.

I�ve been reading some posts and trying to keep up� But� it has been crazy busy for me. I can�t even remember what I did as far as a week ago.

I did some yard work last Saturday. The grass needed to be mowed badly, since it was raining the weekend before that and I could not mow it. There was some weed pulling and branch cutting� So, I was very sore after that. On Sunday I went to an avocado festival with my BIL (H�s brother), my other BIL (my sister�s H) and my GF. It was fun! Then, I had my son for dinner on Monday (since I could not do it on Sunday), I had a happy hour on Tuesday, another happy hour on Wednesday (both with the company folks)� I�ve also been watching a series called �Truth about Cancer�, which were free on the day they came out (so much interesting information there)� And� I�ve been putting some hours into my two other (on the side) projects� after my regular work hours� I�m exhausted� This is the first night when I came home and don�t have to work after work�

Job, I�ve been enjoying my new car a lot! Thanks for asking! After all the stress of making a decision to buy it, then deciding how much to put in down payment and financing options, I finally realized that this is my dream to come through�. I was thinking about this new car and wanted it for a few years� And now I have it! I did it!

As for the next holiday at the end of May� Yes, I�m planning to go to the vacation home for the weekend. Then, I am going to Vegas with one of my GFs. It will be the week of my big B-day. She has some kind of package deal and invited me to join her. I jumped on the offer with no hesitation. I don�t want to be at work on my B-day. I�m not a big Vegas fan, but I can have some fun for a few days. My other GF decided to take a vacation with me too, and travel somewhere not too far (most like Latin America), we are in the process of deciding where we want to go. So, I will have a couple of weeks of vacation starting at the end of May. I�m looking forward to it!

Oh, Bright ... Vegas ... my most favorite place to go. I've headed there for several holidays that I would have spent alone. (My vice is Black Jack.) Even if you're not a gambler, the people watching is infinitely entertaining. Wish I could join you and your girlfriend. It sounds like a lot of fun!

"Busy" can be exhausting but it's a good thing. It sounds like you have life under control. I'm so happy for you.

I'm glad to see that you are still enjoying your car. It took you a while to decide to purchase it...but it was well worth the wait!

I'm sure your yard looks beautiful. You spend a great deal of time working in it and when it is all said and done, you can be proud of all of the hard work that you put into making it beautiful. The avocado festival sounded like fun. Gosh, you had a lot going on in the way of activities during the week. I do hope you carved out some time to "rest". LOL!

Enjoy yourself when you go to the vacation home in May. Try not to allow people or the way the place is redecorated to get you down. I'm sure you and your GF will have a great time and also spend quality time together while celebrating your special day. I like the fact that you are thinking of going out of the country for a vacation w/your GF. You've got a lot to look forward to and again, don't allow your MLCing h to bring you down. Stay positive and get those trip brochures out and start looking for a nice place to visit!

Bright - your travel plans sound so fun. Regarding Vegas, if you don't gamble, the shows are great there. They are pricey but so worth it.

2T, Job, HaWho, thanks for stopping by. I feel like I�m not responding quickly enough once I have some posts on my thread. I�ve been reading and trying to keep up with other threads, I just don�t have time and much energy to post. I�ve been pretty much falling asleep at the computer, reading this site and checking the FB. The work was super busy and stressful for a few weeks. I finally got some reprieve this week, I think� Also, two side projects have been taking up my time.

2T, I�m not a gambler, but I will definitely enjoy watching some people� with the glass of wine in my hand�

HaWho, my GF has a free show in her package deal. We just need to select the one� So far there are a couple we have in mind� One of them is these Australian guys show, LOL.

Job, thanks for cheering me up. I did have a lot of activities and needed some rest. I�m an introvert by nature, so I do need some down time of being alone to recharge. I did have it last weekend. Sort of� My yard looked a lot better after the work I�ve done. But, I still need to do a lot� I need to trim all the trees, including the cyprus tress that have a lot of dry branches. My back yard is big (I am in a cul-de-sac), so it takes a lot of work to maintain it. I was thinking to hire somebody to trim the trees and also fic my rotting storage shed. But� I had to replace my water heater last week, which cost me about $1,000. Ouch� This is where I has some nostalgic feeling washed over me� H replaced that last water heater himself. He used to do a lot of work in the house by himself, and we saved a lot of money. But� the good news is, I have a new water heater, and I don�t have to worry about it for another 6 years, hahaha. I watched the guy doing the work, so I think I can do it myself next time, LOL. Speaking about being ambitious.

We still haven�t finalized out vacation out of the country with my other GF. It got moved to the middle to late June now. I�m OK with that, as I was actually stressing out a bit about the whole timeline.

Job, I don�t even think any more about vacation home re-decorations. It is all good with me. Doesn�t bother me right now.

I�m having another week of GAL again. Happy hour and dinner with some folks from work tomorrow. My neighborhood Bunco group outing on Saturday (or Friday, if it changes), a god walk for charity event in Saturday morning. Not sure what is happening on Sunday. I think it is Mother�s day, right. So, there is a good change my son will come over, or we will go for lunch, or something.

As far as H� We are still in contact pretty regularly. He seems to contact me on the weekends now more often that he used to. I know it is all about the �business�, but still makes me think that he is not that �busy� playing around and entertaining himself, so he �remembers� about the business� He is still extremely polite and pleasant in all his interactions with me. He told me about his plans to be at the vacation home in the middle of June, and said that I can go there any time I want before that. This is different� I didn�t ask him yet, he volunteered this info� Is it that he now wants me to be there? Or, he actually thinks about what I might be doing?..

He also seems to still be kind of depressed. Or, actually it seems like he sort of gave up on life, except for the work. I don�t see much activity going on (based on CC statements and some other stuff�) He is still trying to involve himself into the activities, much like 2T�s H. But, I think that he does it because he wants to belong somewhere and not feel lonely.

When he replies to my e-mails or texts, I can feel the depression and exhaustion� I spent the entire week trying to figure out what our respective potions of the tax refund should be. It was not that simple this time, since I made 2 � much more than he did. So, I tried to be fare with the returns. I felt like I benefited this time by filing jointly. So, I gave him a bigger return, calculated based on what he would get if filing separately. I sent him a e-mail yesterday along with the company file (after I paid his business insurance � a different story�) I told him that he is welcome to calculate the return himself and let me know if he disagrees. His reply: Hi Bright, thanks for paying the �insurance� bill. ... I guess everything is good with the tax stuff, I really haven't been paying attention to it, and I appreciate you taking care of it. Thanks, H�. So� he trusts me with the tax refund� It is a good thing, right? IDK, I just sense a lot of depression in all of this�

I�m still trying to move on with my life. I�m not stressing every piece of communication with H. I just do what I feel. Right now I feel some compassion for H. And I do some things for him like I would do for a friend. If he would become nasty towards me, I would probably reconsider. But� he�s been super nice and considerate. For now, I think I will keep doing what I�ve been doing. Until I don�t feel like anymore.

Oh yes, go for the Thunder from Down Under. I haven't seen that one, but have been to the Chippendale's show. Tons of fun and everyone who's seen both says the Aussie one is better.

When I was doing all the spring clean up and maintenance and shelling out cash to get it done, I thought it really is true that two can live as cheaply as one. H could have done most of that and saved a ton of money. I get where you're coming from.

I was thinking about you this past weekend and your h redecorating the vacation home. My h went shopping for pictures to take back to hang on his walls. He also noticed some throw pillows I had bought and said they would look really good in his place. He went online and ordered some for himself. Throw pillows? Really?

Bright, you and I are so much alike. I tend to be an introvert, too. I enjoy getting out and having some fun, but I have to have recharge time.

Does your h have to live where he is now for business or is he there by choice? My H doesn't have to live where he is ... he could just travel there 4 or 5 times a year for a couple of weeks at a time (which would be worrisome, given his track record). Is yours a similar case?

I get what you say about doing what you feel is right. We had this discussion a while ago about depositing h's checks for him. He thanked me for doing that. I thought about what you said ... Can I live with it and is it the right thing to do? I just told him I had no wish to harm him. But I think it's a fine line between doing the right thing and doing too much to make the "fantasy" life happen. I suppose each sitch is different and we have to do what we feel is to our benefit in the long run.

Have fun at happy hour/dinner, but drive home safely!

Hi Bright - just catching up on your life and you sound good. So happy to hear you are feeling more steady. It's a process and everyone has a different speed at different times. Really, really happy you are well.

2T, Gwen, thanks for stopping by.

2T, yes, we are so much alike, and both of us are still here� after so much time after the BD (even though I�m more than a year longer then you.) H has to be in that state where he works not by choice. He HAS to work to make a living and this is where he is getting some jobs. He is a contractor, and he has a buddy in that state who likes to use H�s services. If it would be his choice, he would be retired at the vacation home by now. Not going to happen anytime soon, LOL. Unless he wins the lottery, or finds himself a sugar mommy (which is very unlikely, since he doesn�t have much to offer, haha.)

Gwen, thanks for the words of confidence. It is definitely a process, and I think you are ahead of me in this anyway. I�m kind of slow� but, the circumstances are also different. If I would have younger kids who would be affected by H�s MLC, I would probably feel a lot different too. I�m lucky that my son is an adult and can handle the situation at lot better.

Some updates�

I was hopeful that I would get happy Mother�s day this year from H. I didn�t get it. I guess I thought he was picking out of the tunnel, a little� I was not too disappointed� But, it made me think again. What does H�s desire to leave the M, not want to have me in his life, etc. have to do with me being a decent Mother? I�m not saying that I�m the best Mother, but I did my best� and I think it paid off. I�m proud of my son, he is a great human being and he is doing pretty well. I might have been a sh!tty wife, but I think I still deserve to be recognized as a Mother. I just don�t get it. Oh well�

My son came over and took me for lunch on Mother�s day. Then, I�ve been busy, pretty much working two jobs, my full time job and a �3rd� job (a contract) that I have now. I put 15 hours on that 3rd job last week, after working my regular 40 + hours at my main job. I also mowed the loan and did some year work. I�m so ready for a vacation!

GAL� Neighborhood Bunco group night out on Friday and Walk for Animals on Saturday before Mother�s day (yes, almost two weeks ago.) Then dinner at my sister�s, then Mother�s day lunch with my son (as I already mentioned). Last week was pretty uneventful in terms of GAL. A lot of work though� Last Friday � get together with neighbors, dinner at my sister�s again, then having my son for dinner at my house on Sunday.

Plans ahead� Booked my fight to Vegas for my B-day week (I was planning to drive originally, but changed my mind). Looking at some tours my GF and I can do while we are there, besides the dinner and a show. Planning to drive to the vacation home for the Memorial Day weekend (before my Vegas trip.)

H was MIA for two weeks after our lust super friendly exchange. He re-surfaced a couple of days ago� Starting with a very friendly message� and then �sounding� a bit �dry�� kind of taking things for granted, ya know� I kept replying nicely� but thrown a bit of a truth dart too� I don�t think he liked it. Too bad� I can just drop that friendly business and mail �services� all together, in a heart bit� It is interesting that when I�m seriously thinking to completely drop the rope, H re-surfaces� Which leads me to having some hopes again� and he goes back into the tunnel. I�m getting very tired of this game�

Well� long post again� Sorry for any misspelled words, bad grammar, or if something doesn�t make sense� I�m not proof reading it� I�m tired�

Hi Bright, thanks for your kind message on my thread. I'm glad you had a nice lunch with your S for Mothers Day. I wouldn't worry about the lack of acknowledgement from your H on that day - who knows where he is at. I think the main thing is your S showed you his gratitude and appreciation on that special day - which is lovely to hear.

Glad you have some nice GAL plans going on and pleased to hear about your trip too. As for your H - yes, I get the feeling that as long as you carry on as you are - there may be a 'security blanket' feel about the whole situation for your H. You're already noticing that if you change things up a little, the response from H changes. I would never suggest completely dropping the rope to try and 'wake someone up.' But if you are tired and ready to completely drop the rope because that works best for you, then go for it I say.

Xx

Bright,

Please start a new thread.

New Thread:

Approaching the crosswroads - picking up speed...