I couldn't find my old post to link but long story short my w is in the throws of a mlc after the death of a friend a few months ago.
I've read DB and have been doing ok with everything until last night. I lost almost all my tools. We are supposed to travel to her step family's for the holiday and leave tomorrow and last night she tells me she set up a mediation appt for when we get back. So now I'm supposed to go act like everything is fine and come home to that or ruin christmas for my 5 & 7 yo. I really want to tell her I'm staying home w kids and let her tell her family why she's showing up alone but that's not fair to my kids idk what to do.
Did you join the forum earlier this month? If so, you could still be on moderation, which takes a bit of time.
I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but I can assure you that we are a great group of posters who will support you and provide you w/excellent advice and comfort in the days ahead.
So, let's start by you telling us something about yourself. How long have you been married, can you give us the age of your spouse? I am going to "assume" that your wife is still living under the same roof w/you. How is she behaving?
Tell us something about yourself. How did you almost lose all of your tools? I'm not surprised that she's tossed out the mediation appointment to you. She's miserable and she wants you to be that way too. Many of them do this stuff around a holiday, special event, anniversary and birthday. I'm sorry she's done this but she's in the selfish mode right now and doesn't care about anyone else but herself.
I would suggest that you can be civil w/her during the visit to her step family's home. You don't have to be lovey dovey, just be civil. It's going to be tough not to be depressed and/or sad about this turn of events, but you've got to show some interest in the holiday for your children. If your step in-laws inquire about things, I'd be honest advise them that they would need to speak her. Since she's the one driving the divorce train, put it back on her to explain to them what she's doing.
Once you are home, then you can think about what comes next. For now, I'd suggest not addressing the mediation appointment and try to keep the focus on you and your children. Try to enjoy the time w/your children as it will be over soon and then the reality of what your wife wants to do will be out in the open and your children will come to realize that mom doesn't want to be married any longer.
Again, I am very sorry this happened to you. I had something very similar happen to me many, many years ago. I do understand where you are coming from.
Please continue to post.
Hello Kyh,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
I was able to find your original post in newcomers. Would you like this thread merged with that one?
Focus on being the best KYH and father possible, especially during the holiday visit to your in-laws. It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Here is the link
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...778#Post2629778I have a different welcome post here,
I would stay in one forum or the other.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583553#Post2583553Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you for the reply! I joined earlier this month but I posted late night and I think it was buried quickly.
I'm 34 and she's 33 we lived together 6 years before getting married and have been married 7 years. We are in the same house. Different rooms. We had an argument after our friends death and she dropped the not in love with you bomb a couple weeks later. She has distanced herself from me as much as possible since (I've seen her do this to other people for months/years). I went through all the wrong reactions, mistakes etc til I started counseling and found dr/this forum.
I started implementing it right away and I thought things were getting better. Good and bad days but seeing some if her old self sometimes I think? I can look in her eye and part of her is gone/dead.
Her behavior is all over the place. She has a female friend she is going out with all the time (who is widowed and depressed) is Burning herself in work, staying out late, drinking, going to events leaving me at home with the kids (and formerly sil but she moved back home a few weeks ago). Says there is no one else but idk. Most of the mlc checklist behavior seems to apply. I've been compared to abusive parents, an abusive past relationship, on so on, and then told I'm worse (we never had any sort of these issues in our relationship, things to work on yes, but nothing like this). I know better than to believe it but it still hurts.
I was doing everything at home (total doormat) until I started DBing, now I'm getting some help cooking, cleaning, etc but I was told she wasn't doing it to be nice (I guess she feels guilty). I still need to work on GAL.
I was doing alright trying to use the tools I've read about with some trial and error but she really got the best if me with the mediation appointment and her timing. I got mad and we argued (same ol not accomplishing anything argument I don't want to be part of ending in her going to bed and me upset not sleeping w brain that won't shut off, stop signs not working last night). I should have left the situation but I didn't, I let it get me down just when I was starting to feel good for the first time in months.
Thank you for the holiday advise, I'm going to have to take the high road and try to have a good time while I'm doing it.
Here's a link to a great thread, if you haven't already read it:
Sandi2's 37 Rules
Christmas went well overall, the first couple of days were hard for me but the kids had a great time.
Before leaving for our trip, I asked about the appt time so I could be there and she said it was just for her. I said there wasn't much to mediate then and explained how it was awesome timing. She said she was going to cancel and find one to bring us both in/research it more. As far as I know she did.
W kept distant from me all the time but was ok to me. I was helping Step MIL in the kitchen for Christmas dinner and W was avoiding coming in and was gone for a bit. I could tell she had been crying. I just kept my distance and was normal as possible.
I drove w step MIL ~1 hr the next day and she knows something's up but nothing more than that. I drove her car back with W and it was the most we've talked in months. The next day was just okay with some short conversations on the long drive home. We had a few laughs over those few days and Monday night was nicer than normal. The rest of the week that's also been ok but there have been some awkward moments. This mornng she vented about work to me and I made her laugh after listening. This is a first in a long time. We also took the kids to a movie tonight but had an awkward quiet moment after putting the kids to bed.
I had to ask about the appt earlier this week so I knew where I stood and she got really irritated. I haven't brought it up at all since.
I'm trying to just go with the flow and work on myself (counseling is going along well with DR book) and have been reading here on the regular which is helping a lot.
Hi again, I wasn't sure if I should start a new thread for this because it's kind of a new topic but anyway here it goes.
Since I last posted I've been spending time with the kids and on myself. W has been venting to me about two coworkers on the regular and last weekend I was outside with the kids making a snowman (she was downstairs in her room when we went out) and she texted me a bunch of pictures after she came upstairs and saw us. Anyway, this weekend she went half way across the county for a concert ("I'm doing things my parents wouldn't let me"), she has been texting me a few pictures some w/text and some just pictures. I'm not sure how I should be responding, I've been trying to work on the homework items but this is quite a change from a couple weeks ago. Any thoughts?
Thanks again for all the replies everyone, I appreciate it.
It's supposed to be country not county above, big difference lol.
You shouldn't start a new thread until you've reached 100 postings/replies. However, you change your subject line at any time.
Well, golly gee, her parents wouldn't allow her to go half way cross the country for a concert...I wouldn't have blamed them when she was a teenager. Sounds like she's rebelling at this late date. If your w isn't asking you a question or the text doesn't require a response, then you don't have to respond. However, if you feel like you want to respond, then keep the response short and sweet. For example "nice photos" or "nice photos, thanks for sharing" and end the text.
Thanks, that's just what I did. I didn't respond to one, kept the response for the others short and just a little more if it was about the kids.
W came back tired, looking awful, and moody. I feel bad for the kids that I had to go out of town this week because she's being so short.
She told me about her trip, I think trying to make me jealous and/or upset. I didn't say much more than it sounds like you had a good time. She then told me more about it. I later got a half@ thank you for watching the kids but i could see it was physically hard for her to mutter the roundabout words and then she immediately went to her messy room.
Step mil also called me and we had a good talk. I know it isn't recommended but I let her in on things and let her know about me DBing and why (she couldn't believe her behavior and I just scratched the surface). She said w never gave her any indications of being unhappy ever. She is totally on board with me and isn't saying anything and we are staying in contact. Although she isn't saying anything about anything mentioned above to w, she is going to talk to her about a surgery she needs which seems to be part of the problem as she is in chronic pain. We're hoping she can help with that since I can't talk with her about it since "it's not your body, etc." I don't think she even knows what it's like to feel good anymore and once in a moment of seemingly normalcy told me she was scared to have it done. No matter what happens I hope she gets it done because no one should have to live in pain like that.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks, I keep my book in my office and delete my phone after each visit. I also learned about private browsing from the forum. This is great advise, I know she's looked in my ipad history before. Thank you moderators for posting up some of the chapters! I use them a lot when I can't read the book.
A lot of her behavior is parallel to other stories I've been reading, a cou Living in a messy room in the basement
Ugh, something happened on my phone and my long post was cut off so this one is a lot shorter.
Her behavior is like a lot of what I've been reading in other posts. Acting like a teenager. This was a really difficult time for w as was most if her life. I was thinking about events and timing and her parents split up for a good amount of time when she was about our kid's ages. She also lived with her grandparents for a long time and was close to them both. From what she told me in the past, her grandmother always treated her grandfather with resentment. I also thought about back to the time that w is now claiming she's been unhappy with me since and it coincides with her grandmothers death.
Her room is a disaster( I had to laugh when I put some Landry in when she was gone but then I felt bad for her). Her car is even worse. She went and got a new phone and tablet on her own plan and didn't update people. I thought it was just my family at first but a close friend contacted my sister on Facebook to try to reach her. So I guess her FB is deactivated again (it was for good reason before friends death). it is part of what the argument mentioned in my first post was about. She did call her friend after I told her.
She also asks about my counseling appointments a lot. How they were and when they are. I just keep my response short and tell her I'm working on myself.
And another one, she rearranged dishes in the cupboards, just a few things, insisting on the new way. Wth is that about? But hey, at least she's putting dishes away now.
When one cannot control oneself, one moves mountains to control one's environment
They are looking for "change". They think that changing exterior things will make them feel better. It will for a short period of time and then they begin looking for something else to change. They don't realize that happiness comes from within.
As for her teenager antics, well, she's gone back in time to the age where she was emotionally stunted. I'm not surprised that her room is a disaster as well as her car. They tend to purchase new items and do forget to update their friends on new phone numbers, etc. It's all part of the depression/crisis. Hopefully, she'll settle down soon. If not, "dad", just leave her be. Continue as you have and try not to get into any heated discussions w/her.
K
You are doing great..It is very hard living with them
MY XH would leave rooms when I walked in..he stayed out till the morning and dyed his hair and eyebrows was wearing hollister type jackets and had a motorcycle
You sound like you are doing a good job keeping the house together for the kids
that is so important..
my kids seem ok at this point.. The more we hold it together-the better for them
I would be careful when talking to her family..Her family may side with her at least in the beginning until they see how off
she is-
Hang in there
Thank you everyone for the responses! You're posts (in this thread and others) have been so helpful.
W has really been testing my patience since I got back from a work trip last night. I got back and the house was a mess and I ended up having to figure out dinner after driving 8 hours.
I've been trying to get a clue on our finances since this is the one thing she's still doing and has always done. This is one of the mistakes I made in our relationship, she asked me to be involved in the past but it was only briefly that we worked on finances together. I've been asking for quite a while now to work together on this and apologized for the past. Well she finally put our budget together, interestingly during a tight time (Nevermind that trip last week, lol). First thing I noticed was the mortgage was all out if one pay check but we usually just put half of it in savings. She gets paid commission so we can't budget any of her income which makes this more difficult. I guess I will see how this goes, I need more. It it's a start but I need more info and didn't want any arguments so I'm going to see how it goes. Oh, and I'm not allowed to right in the budget sheet because my handwriting isn't good enough, "You ruined it last time."
She told me she was goin to go to the grocery store today because I always spend too much. I had to get up and leave, I've been doing all the shopping since this all started. When she got back she showed me two lists she stuck in a cupboard, one with different meals she bought things for which I don't cook and the kids don't like. Lots of pork which she knows I hate cooking because of the smell and also bought brands she knows I avoid. I guess I will see if she plans on starting to help with cooking again but the kids tell me they eat out most of the time I'm out if town for work (we used to eat healthy and use diet for our son's autism treatment with miraculous results). Her other note was a list of things to make for the kids lunches: pbj, tuna sandwich, carrot sticks, etc. Wtf, I'm surprised there wasn't instructions too. I've been doing this chore nearly the whole school year lol. I had to leave and go to my room, she was driving me crazy. I took a nap and woke up to her taking a picture of a dress on the foot of the bed and then left. No clue what that's about.
Before the store she asked about talking this weekend so I'm wondering what that will be about. She knows I have a counseling appointment Monday and likes to drop stuff on me beforehand.
She also went to dinner and a movie with her friend tonight, when she stopped and picked her up it was like sending my kid out, plus an awkward feeling, I'm sure she's talking to her friend about everything going on. I feel like their friendship is helping kill my relationship with w.
I tried to do something for myself and went out to lunch alone , sounds pathetic but oh well, it got me out and I read lots of your threads that helped me through the day.
I should probably clarify that ithe family isn't a step mil by marriage, it is more like her adopted family that knows she's had some troubles. Step mil told me she was worried about her after a conversation she had and also some personal things so I think I'm okay there. I would never be able to talk to her real family or mine about this.
Funny thing about timing when she was emotionally stunted, she's listening to a lot of the same music and genre type as she did in her early teens and is dressing different to fit this look sometimes (band shirt yesterday, ugly black hoodies with metal band logos tonight). She has a huge old cd book in her car lol. Completely different than what she has been listening to for the last few years.
She has messes around the house, in my room her old journal is lying on a pile of junk of hers on a desk (her mom found it when they moved). I took a look at just a couple of pages because it's been there for weeks. I don't think she knows it's there in all her clutter. I feel so sorry for that poor girl, there is a lot of pain and anger in those three pages I randomly flipped to. I'm afraid I might be "mom & dad" after reading some of it.
Please forgive all my poor grammar in my posts, I really can spell;) but I'm posting from my phone.
We become the authority figures in their lives, i.e., mom or dad, as they become teenagers or younger during crisis.
As for the groceries, I can't help but wonder if this is the type of food she may have eaten at a young girl since neither your or your children particularly care for the items.
It's too bad that she can't see the light of day just yet, but you sound like you are doing okay. Keep the focus on you and your children and allow your wife to live out her teenage years in order to grow up to become a mature woman.
Hi Khy - a lot of what you post is very familiar to me. I too am living with my MLC h and have throughout his crisis.
My h is also re-experincing the music he did as a teenager. He went through a phase where he shut himself in a room and listened to it full blast. And, on a daily basis, his bedroom looks like he's just been robbed.
By the way, as you may have already read, in MLC they become the mirror opposite of who they were. My h was eating all new brands of food and all new types of food. He still dresses the same but nearly everything else about him is opposite.
How old are your kids? I ask because if they are of an age where they can be picking up/helping more you may want to consider enforcing this. Your wife is not going to be responsible for quite some time. You don't want to throw your wife under the bus, but your kids should not be patterning much of her domestic qualities these days. If they are of an age where they can help, you may want to consider giving them lists of chores when you leave for the day. Your wife will go backwards but your kids still need to learn how to go the other way.
As hard as it is, just let her be a teenager. Make the home a very comfortable place for her. This is hard to do if you still think of her as an adult and if you have that expectation. If you can retrain your brain that she is a teenager, at times maybe younger, it is easier.
One last thing, be on the lookout for moments where she may be a young girl. In the last few months a little boy has come out of my h. I realize I once saw him be a little boy back in February, when he was in full swing replay.
Sit quiet and watch. You will see and learn a lot.
Well I knew something was going to happen she's been acting too weird. This morning she says she wanted to talk. Why can't I get no expectations into my mind. Still don't know what the point was supposed to be after it all but she said "I can't live in the basement forever & why do you think I'm trying to rush this along." I replied that she's known me nearly half my life but wants to leave after 5 months since this began. I said it sounds like there's someone else. She then told me she had been talking to a coworker. Idk why this suprised me but I've been being lied to for months. My emotions got me and I flipped out, I punched the wall like a true jackass (I'm so embarrassed, this is not me, I can't believe who I've become, jealous and insecure) I knew it, she used to talk on the phone, business and then it stopped, I casually brought it up once and I got a he's not around this area much answer. I am so stupid for not trusting myself. And she was doin this in front of me and the kids! She says there's nothing physical happening and thinks it's not a big deal but even the slightest trust I had is gone. Before everything happened she told me he brought a tinder date to an office function. So I told her it's f'd how she's choosing to have an A (ea or pa) with a guy who f@s people on tinder and talks to married women with children. Nice choice for emotional support (yeah I'm sure that's what he's there for). She said he listened to her and nobody else did and that I treated her like her parents...great I told her it wasn't acceptable, and I won't stand for it. I feel awful, she kept trying to justify it by saying how I was never there, it was ridiculous. Once I calmed down I remembered what I've been reading and tried to do some validating before leaving the room. I feel sick. Deep in I knew it but was in denial when it was slapping me in the face. I can't even remember half of what just happened. I'm not as down as I would have been a few weeks ago so I guess I'm letting go but I've never been so hurt, and by the person I loved and trusted the most. I'm not close to anyone else but my kids. At this point in my life I think my step mil would have to be next, we've bonded a little lately and she's the only one besides this forum and my therapist who I can talk to.
Idk what to do, part of me wants to tell her to leave but I think she'd go to her friends house which would be toxic. Maybe she wants me to tell her to leave too, idk. I don't want my kids spending half their time there (well w actually told me her friend doesn't like kids, wtf) or where else she finds, it won't be great on her income. I will need to try to keep the house so the kids can stay in the same school. Our kids are to well adjusted, our son with autism is doing great now and I want to make the effects minimal, this is killing me.
If I tell her to go am I driving her to OM? I've been accused of being not here for her as well as smothering, there's no winning. Why am I still even caring?
During the argument I also told her that I cared about her and would never even consider an A even though the opportunity may have presented itself a few times but I never even gave them a chance to happen. She asked when and then said "well I don't know why you think you're undesirable then" and "I could have the chance all the time". I said I didnt have other desires outside of our marriage. She then told me nothing physical is happening. I asked about the trip last week and her work trip next week and she said OM was in another state right now. Then she proceeded to tell me that her and her friends had to leave the bar they were at after the concert because she thought some guys were trying to roofie her. OMG wtf is going on, I know it could happen anywhere but I'm sure she was probably some place she shouldn't have been.
I feel like I'm in the wrong life.
I regard to above, I'm having the kids clean up after themselves more but need to work on it, my plate is so full. I think their room is cleaner than hers though, lol. There doing okay so far but sometimes ask questions. I know it's affecting them, it's sad to see.
Thank you all for reading, I really would be in a bad place without this forum.
Sorry for the multiple posts but I've got to get it out. I still can't believe myself, I'm so embarrassed, and I knew it was coming, and how to expect her to act. I'm glad the kids are gone. I don't know how to handle this, I feel so stupid for living in denial believing her. And she tried to put it all on me. We moved together when I went to grad school and she didn't finish college, she worked during this time and is po'd about it now. She keeps brining it up.
Went and had a coffee by myself and when I came back she's acting somewhat normal. I let her talk a bit and then went to my room, this is so hard.
Yes, it is hard living w/someone going through a crisis of any sort. They will blame you for everything and yes, they will bring up things from the past over and over again. The best thing you can do is to listen and if you feel that you want to argue, walk away. To argue w/them is just fueling their emotional/anger fire and it justifies to them why they feel the way they do about us.
I'm sorry you are having to deal w/this and I think you did the right thing by leaving for a while. Hopefully she will settle down now that she's expressed herself to you.
Thank you job, you are right . I think I may have fell into a trap losing my cool (so out of character for me). I let myself down, & after all the good advice I got just before this. She started the conversation she by saying I seemed to be living in denial that she wants a D, so I think she was upset I wasn't down in the dumps. After my initial shock I remembered things I've been reading here and tried to keep in mnd who I was arguing with, certainly not the woman I once knew.
I spent a lot of time last night reading your detachment thread. Time to keep working on myself, I'm not where I thought I was.
Thank you everyone for posting, I've read through your threads and have found inspiration in them all.
Tonight I checked my email before leaving work and there is one from w. In the email she kept saying how she wasn't a good mom and how she knew I only told my therapist about how bad she is, etc. then tells me to have a good appointment today.
So tonight she looked awful, I think we were both up all night. I stopped her after dinner and told her that what she wrote wasn't true. That she is a great mom and I wouldn't ever choose another for my kids. She told me she didn't feel like she was. I told her again and I also told her I do talk about her good points and gave specific examples. She looked better and said thanks.
Before bed I told her again that she was a great mom and to never think or let anyone tell her otherwise, that the kids were lucky to have her and that I meant it from the bottom of my heart. She teared up and told me thank you so much and then told me how terrible her mom was to her and that her dad "f@ing sucked". She then said she didn't know if she was and that all she knew was she was better than her mom was to her. I reassured her she was a great mom and what she's done for the kids. She told me I was a good dad then we went to bed. I wish I could have hugged her. She looked so much better afterwards
Well, idk if it was the right move but I took a stand tonight. I told w I didn't want her in the house so long as she was in contact with OM. Last night after we had a good little talk, she was treating me like garbage again. Not that I'm suprised but it's the same thing over again so I did what I normally wouldn't. I took a stand. W got defensive and tried to justify it all and blame me. She said she thinks it's ok because she talked (BDd rather) to me about D right before Christmas. She tried to bring the kids into it but didn't keep up with it. She says after everything you've fine to me your kicking me out. I'm flabergasted! I can't believe this! I said no, I don't want you out, but I won't stand for an A while you're in my home. I won't let you do that to me or my family. I had to repeat this numerous times while she tried to justify it to me. She wasn't making sense, said she knew she was hurting me but didn't see why it was a problem because she wants a d. She's taking note of my actions because she kept saying how I'm acting like she never talked to me about d. She brought up more if the past and my faults, I apologized for for what deserved it and said I wish I could change things that I've done wrong and that I was sorry I've hurt her. But I kept having to repeat that I would not stand for...I told her to think what kind of person the OM was (tinder and talking to married women with children) and to go to a friend who knows and loves her for emotional support. She said no one else listens to her, she's had this complaint before (valid but oversensitive) so I told her to use a different approach, tell them she feels that way and that she really needs them to listen to her and that it will be different. I also urged her to get herself a therapist (she says she's had bad experiences when she's gone in the past).
After this she said she had to think and went outside to smoke...what? She's smoking now!!? 14-15 is when she used to steal her parents cigarettes. She quit shortly after we started dating.
I hope I made a good choice, this was so hard but this is my boundary and I simply won't put up with an A while in my home and traveling all over with no contact while I'm home with the kids. I know she definately didn't expect his from me.
Hi KYH, I think taking a stand is fine. Only you know what you can and can't tolerate, and if you can't tolerate (understandably) living in the same house as your W when she is having an A, you can take steps to protect yourself and the family from her wayward behaviour.
The area to watch out for is in the latter part of your post - where you told her to think about various things - what kind of person is OM, get some help from friends, find yourself a therapist. My guess is, she will not welcome that kind of advice from you and may see it as control. Fact is, she will likely to come to see the 'real' OM - but that will happen on her timescale and not yours. You trying to push things along may well slow them down.
Good for you in taking a stand. How do you plan to follow through on this in the event she doesn't agree to leave?
Take care - sounds like you are doing pretty well in very difficult circumstances
I also think taking a stand is good
It takes a real strong person to do that approach-- there is also a book called ...
never read it but I think the approach is different from DB
more about setting limits with the WAS
Funny how your W would think its OK to have A just because she said she wants D
when MY XH was having affair with OW (Now Wife)
I must have been in denial and he would lie and I believed it
He came home at all hours --still I wasn't sure
MLC is tough and sometimes no approach really works
but as Sotto said, taking care of yourself is what is most important
Chances are she will not see things too clearly about OM at this time
and she may have to hit a bottom
she is looking to fix herself from the outside in and it just never can be done that way
The area to watch out for is in the latter part of your post - where you told her to think about various things - what kind of person is OM, get some help from friends, find yourself a therapist. My guess is, she will not welcome that kind of advice from you and may see it as control. Fact is, she will likely to come to see the 'real' OM - but that will happen on her timescale and not yours. You trying to push things along may well slow them down.
Good for you in taking a stand. How do you plan to follow through on this in the event she doesn't agree to leave?
Take care - sounds like you are doing pretty well in very difficult circumstances
I've been worried sick about this all day. I'm not sure what to expect (like I ever do, lol). She didn't hesitate to throw the kids in right away and say she wasnt leaving without them and how I was too unstable to leave them (but the weekends and xcountry trips are ok I guess) and then tried to press my buttons. I refuse to put my kids into this so I'm not sure what to do at this point if she refuses both. First thing that comes to mind is to be calm and stand my ground but avoid arguing. As of now that's my plan. I should've thought about this a little more maybe. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I thought about what I said about telling her to get help, I brought it up because she had mentioned going to a counselor once but never again. I know I caught her during her best time of the month so I am hoping she's thinking more clearly now but I'm beting she'll stick with talking to all these new people because they tell her what she wants to hear.
Peace, hank you for the book recommendation. I need to go get a library care not hooked to her email.
It was weird how she tried to justify A but couldn't so it always turned back on me, no logic and a lot of history rewriting. I kept in mind I was arguing with a teenager which helped a lot. Maybe if I start smoking it will be uncool and she'll quit lol.
I did notice she had an old family album of her immediate family out on her bed this morning...
Kyh
On my phone here too so just some bullet points
Taking the stand you did was good/can be good provided you did it for you ... Just as with boundaries it's for YOU, not to get a reaction out of your w, nor should you have expectations this will "scare her straight". Also now that you've made the stance you or set a boundary ... Hold to it otherwise she will steam roll you in all things.
I would lawyer up, you need to understand your rights and what you stand to lose/gain here, most of all protect yourself financially
My w too did not consider the affair and affair as I was informed early on and consistently " It's not an affair If we were separated" ... Truth darts help here, continue with the "YOUR A is disrespectful to me, our children and our family" .... Also inform her she may very well get the kids... 50% of the time because you will not lose your privileges as a father due to decisions made FOR you.
Don't be shocked if now the EA/PA is out of the bag she shows some emotion, very well will nice you into a false hope boat to get what she wants .... She has plotted out how the A and D is going to go ... Demonize you is part of the script to justify her actions and free her from guilt
Memorize that 37 and hold to it.... It's a tough climb and your journey has just begun
Thanks for the reply.
I did do it for me. I can't live like that. She had been talking to him right in front of me at the beginning of this. She has also told me I never stand up for myself and there is some truth to that.
Yesterday and last night she was mad/upset she went directly to her room after putting the kids to bed. We didn't talk much but while I was helping the kids with homework she told me how her mom locked her in a room to make her memorize math (homeschooled starting in teens) I told her that it was horrible and that I was sorry that happened to her. Then, interesting in response to job's older post, she put grapes with dinner and said she used to eat fruit with her meals when she was younger. I said it was a good idea that more people should do that. She said yeah the kids need more fruit. Not much else got said except talking to the kids.
This morning she comes up and says good morning and thanks me for making the kids lunches. I noticed she was mirroring me a bit with being patient to the kids and I stfu and she talked for a bit. I leaned against the counter, legs crossed and she immediately did the same. Daughter came up and spilled her coffee and she started to freak, I calmly said it's ok to my daughter and grabbed some paper towels and started cleaning. W immediately calmed down and cleaned up things off the table.
It makes me think of your second to last paragraph. But I am also taking notes from your thread and trying to stfu when I need to. Especially since she says no one listens to her.
I'm not sure when/how to reapproach this with her so I'm not doing it immediately until I think it through.
Thanks:) I needed that reminder. I've been rereading through the 37 and his thread.
Rough night last night, son came into my room around 430-5 woke me up and started asking me questions. Why wasn't mom sleeping with me anymore? How come she doesn't want to sleep with you anymore?... I just said idk and then told him I loved him. He stayed with me but I couldn't go back to sleep. I'm not sure how to handle that. Through all this I keep telling my kids I love them and try to build thier self confidence as much as I can. I'm being extra patient which I can see a mirror when she catches herself being short.
Tried to get out a bit today. This morning d tells me she has a bday party but w never mentioned it. Shortly after w comes upstairs and d tells her. She says no were supposed to meet other kids this afternoon (didn't tell me that either) and told her to pick one. I asked why and said I already told her I'd take her. Stayed for a bit then went to test drove a new car (company owner told me it was time to replace my company car yesterday!, didn't tell w) before going back towards the end. I tried to go to the library when w had kids later but her friend that I think pushes her in all this was in the self help section so I ended up leaving and kept busy walking the dogs, cleaning, and baked a cake with d later on.
W has avoided me outside the presence of the kids since telling her I won't stand for it. I don't know if I should tell her again since nothing else has been said and she seems to be avoiding me.
She's also making it hard to DB as I think she may be trying to make me jealous or angry. Tonight She told me she was wearing the dress I mentioned in an older post to a company banquet next week out of town where she's getting an award (I've told her how hot she looks in it before all this) and she also told me about a young guy at work hitting on her but then said, eww gross.
She also told me all her plans for next week, where she was staying, who she was riding with, etc. without me bringing it up.
Depending on the kid, I believe it can be better to tell them the truth. This is just my personal theory from living with a MLCer throughout. They already see one parent has gone off the reservation. I think when they come to the "sane parent" asking what is going on they are looking for validation that they are right; something is truly off. If one parent is clearly crazy and the other is assuring that everything is A-okay, that can't be good long term for the kid.
When the questions started, I too answered as you did. I said "I don't know" to a lot of things. One day out of the clear blue S12 (was 11 then) asked if his dad was having a MLC? I answered "yes, I believe so." Now he asks a lot of questions about MLC and recognizes my h's teenage behaviors.
So early on, I started to answer "dad is going through a funk," and "sometimes people go through strange patches." My S12 worried this would happen to him so be prepared for that. I told him, "no, we are going to take the time now to let you grow up properly so that you learn how to be an adult with my support."
In addition to saying you love him, touch is very reassuring to them. I found this to be very true! Tousle hair, tap a nose, stroke an arm or a cheek (while making eye contact and smiling) and give lots of hugs for absolutely no reason at all. Quick/playful touch as you pass by them is very reassuring to them as well! As crazy as your wife is acting, don't sell yourself short for 1 minute! Continue to dole out that love!! And act as if everything is ok; your kids will follow your lead!!
As for your wife, when she tells you her plans maybe look to validate that with a simple "thanks for letting me know." Anytime you see any behavior you like, try to validate or praise. I imagine my h as a third kid and that helps me validate good behavior.
Regarding her comments about the dress, they do act out for attention. Best not to react to her antics.
I'll defer to the vets for the other questions about your wife.
I'm glad you posted, W really upset S today and I though about your post. I was letting the kids paint and the things were left out. They went back to it later and Started painting in good clothes. W saw and started yelling about it. Son was really upset and frustrated (he has trouble in this dept anyway with high functioning autism). I calmed him down and told him how his mom was hurting right now and doesn't feel good and didn't mean to yell. I calmed him down more and I told him we both love him and how great he is, and then I got an old shirt of mine for him. It's hard to find the right thing to say to a 7 yo that is extremely smart.
W needs a hysterectomy in the worst way but refuses. She could barely walk today but tries to act like she's fine. It also makes her physically ill. Meanwhile she's hurting so bad she's extra short with everyone. It's been bad for about 3 years but she refuses to get surgery or hormone therapy. She's told me she's scared.
She avoided me again tonight. I'm still not sure whether or not to say anything again so I haven't yet. I'm out of town and then she is so I won't see her for a week now but tonight definately wouldn't have been a good pick.
W is still avoiding me when the kids aren't around for the most part but has talked to me a little. I haven't said much of anything but when she talks I listen.
She seemed to try to get me down before I left town this week. Then a few hours later starts texting, asked where I was going. After about an hour I hadn't responded and got another asking when my next counseling session was and said she wanted to go. I stopped driving about this time so I replied and told her where I was and said we needed to talk about it. She replied, "so you don't want me to go?" I said no but you'll be out of town. Her reply was that she "thought we should not talk without someone else." I'm thinking she has another BD in store because I haven't brought up anything to her about r since I told her I wouldn't stand for her A. At that time, she accused my therapist of initiating what I did. I told her no she didn't and that she actually asked if I thought you would come in with me (she did) but I told her no. "And you didn't even ask me!" So I asked her if she would go to which she replied "NO!" LOL.
She was wearing a necklace I got her for Christmas (I know gifting isn't good DBing but we mutually hadn't got each other anything for a long time, m error in hindsight, and I had bought it a long time before) when I got home from my trip. She thanked my son for it when she got it and I hadn't seen it again until once last week and then this week. It's probably nothing, it is really cool, but it seemed weird to me. Her jewelry wearing has changed a lot during all this.
She left for her work trip today, it was hard knowing OM is probably there but I didn't say anything about her trip, etc. I just told her congratulations on her award before she left. Trying not to let it bother me but it does. I didn't let her see though.
Caliguy, you and several others here have inspired me to remain calm through this. I can't control anything so I let it go. It's not always easy but I'm learning to keep my mouth shut and trying not to dance when she pulls strings.
I researched daughters of narcissistic mothers/fathers after reading another thread here and WOW! And it is extreme. That explains so much, oh so much. It makes me feel bad for my W as a girl, teenager, and now. W and her sister she hasn't spoke to for years and now I can see they were forced to complete for their mother's approval, etc. No wonder they've always hated each other since childhood. This really made me step back and take a look at things. Some of it rings true for me/my childhood too but I would say it is all mild compared to her situation.
Giving my kids lots of love through all of this and trying to stay positive.
So W started talking with me about my next appt yesterday a few hours after she got home (looks terrible). I asked why she wanted to go with me to counseling session. She said she thought we needed someone to mediate so we can talk. I told her my counselor wasn't a mediator and that I was going there to work on myself. I said I would literally tape my mouth shut if she thought I needed to so she could talk, I didn't but it was hard to STFU. It started going terrible, I had to leave and come back. We switched rooms which seemed to help but I had to make her come talk, she was going to open up my emotions and walk away again. I STFU and listened to what she had to say, it was everything she's brought up before but legitimate thing. I apologized and affirmed her thoughts that were right. Most of these things were my family not me but ultimately came back onto me. Some of these things happened a long time ago, she has a lot of resentment towards me even though a whole heck of a lot, including me, has changed. She still hasn't mentioned one fault of her own in our m. She is saying I've told her a lot of things I haven't, ugh...
Things came back to A, because I took a stand and have to back it up. Things got heated quick, she told me I wasn't taking her kids from her (never said anything of the sort, she brought it up) and she said I she wasn't leaving and that the only way I could get her out was to get a d and and then have the cops come and remove her. Wow! I told her I wasn't kicking her out but I wouldn't stand for the A in my home, while we were still married, and with our kids in the house. More trying to justify A, and same old bs. Got interrupted and had to bring it back up at the end of the night because she tried to ignore it and run downstairs again. She was fighting me hard on this, to the point where she was in the garage with a suitcase saying how she couldn't believe I was kicking her out on the street, etc. I said, no I wasn't kicking her out and that I didn't want her to leave but I wouldn't stand for her to be having an A while living in my home with our children in it (said it 100 times it seems like) and she needed to get an apartment. She said she was working on it but wanted to be making more money first (really?). I asked if I was supposed to support her while she lived in the basement and had a boyfriend? "No." Probably not the best thing but I told her I would be stopping by OM's office and I expected a justifiable answer on my he thought it was okay to be having an EA with a married woman with children, why my children's emotions weren't valid, and why he thinks it is okay to get involved in my family issues. She came back in and things calmed down and we talked a lot. I told her I'm not controlling your actions but I will not allow you to bring that immorality into my home and around my children. It is wrong not matter how you want to spin it. She kept trying to justify it telling me how he was a good guy (like I give a rat's boot)
that nothing physical was happening, they were just talking and she didn't see what was wrong. I told her it was different than my friendship with female friends __ and __ and why (I really had to explain it). She asked what I wanted her to do; I replied not have an A while living in my home with the kids here, not disrespecting us, bringing immorality into our home, not hurting my feelings and our children's feelings. "He listens to me and we talk" was the reply. I asked if his feelings were more valid than mine (your children's father) and the kid's feelings. I asked if he tried to steer her towards working on things, seeking counseling, helping herself, our kids feelings, etc. (no response) or was he just listening and waiting go get in her pants. No response. Then she got upset, cried, and said "I need to have a couple of days to...." um breakup...."yes".
I don't know how to not seem controlling if I bring this back up. Going to have to think about that...
We talked a long time after this, childhood hardships, feelings, love (makes it sound nicer than it was). She mentioned counseling but said financially it was difficult since I was already going and she didn't want me to stop. I offered to split our time up so she could go but she declined. I told her the offer was always on the table but I didn't push it. She said she doesn't do well in counseling and it hasn't done her any good in the past (on top of a bad childhood she had a traumatic event happen a couple years before we met and as far as I know step MIL and I are the only ones she's told). She also told me she didn't know if she could actually feel love and that she felt empty. She's been so hurt she keeps everyone away. I told her it was everywhere around her and to keep her eyes open and look for it.
During this conversation she also told me as a teenager she always wanted to be single and have her own apartment in the city when she got older.
On another note, has anyone else had the MLC bomb drop after a change in religious beliefs? W was really searching a couple years ago and then decided to become atheist. About a year ago she asked me if I would still lover her if she didn't believe in God. I told her yes, of course I always will. She said she was relieved because she knows it can be a big issue for some people. Since then she is not just become atheist, she has a vendetta for anything religious (bad experiences). Such a bad attitude she can't see anything but bad in it and I don't think she has a sense of separation of spirituality and religion. Our friend's death was really tragic and it really cemented this attitude.
Kyh,
It's best that you continue to go for counseling on your own. You need a safe place to talk and you honestly can't do that if she's there. It's best to leave this topic alone. When she's ready, she will need to go to individual counseling, but that's a long way down the road.
Now about making threads, i.e., going to om's place of work. Do not make threats unless you are going to implement me. Like children, they will push your buttons and if you don't follow thru, they will not believe a thing you say. Besides, he's really nothing more than a band aid for what ails your wife right now. You are giving him more power than he deserves and you are going to hear a lot of things that you don't want to hear, so please, stop talking about him. He's taking up head space w/o even paying rent. The less you bring him into the picture, the less important he will become.
Now about the religion. There are some that are searching and generally land w/a religion that they think will fit their needs. In some cases, believers become non-believers and vice versa. There are some that will take the religious beliefs and read into them something totally different than what is being taught, i.e., used to fit their particular situation. For now, leave her alone and allow her to work out her religious beliefs on her own.
My advice, keep the focus on you and your children. Your wife is a very lost, but determined and stubborn soul. She needs to have plenty of time and space, so much so, that she chokes on it. You fuel her fire each and every time you have a heated discussion about things. The best way to deal w/her is in a calm manner. Also, if you have apologized for something, then don't apologize again. One apology is enough for anyone.
It's time to start thinking about you, what you can do to alleviate some of that stress. It's time to think about Kyh and your children. Leave your wife in the hands of the man upstairs. You can't reason w/her because she's very emotional and you can't rationalize w/and irrational person because they won't "hear" you.
Leave her to twirl in the wind for a while.
Thank you Job.
She's not going to go with me to my sessions. I offered having her go later on since she brought It up but I meant to another counselor at the office. Regardless, I will be sure to just drop it.
I need to reread detachment and dr. My 5-6 hour alone work drives are awful for overthinking.
I wouldn't dare talk religion with her. I was curious because she has such a chip on her shoulder and it comes up a lot. I never bring it up.
Thank you again for your advice, it is much appreciated.
This week went okay. Took the kids sledding Monday night during a storm. They had a snow day the next day and w needed my car to get to an appt. so I worked from home and let her take mine. I thought it was just until lunch but she didn't come back until that evening. I didn't say anything but I was really expecting to go into my office in the afternoon. That night she left open a kindle book about uncoupling she bought on my ipad which she never uses. I just ignored it.
The following day she got stuck and I had to come pull her out. She acted like I was going to be upset or something (idk why, maybe she was wondering why I was being nice with everything going on, like I would leave her stuck in the road). She stared being nice later when I came home for lunch and thanked me four or five times for making dinner that night since she went out to get a few things boots for her trip with step mil and came back after the kid's bedtime. She stayed out of her room after putting the kids to bed and we watched a tv show in the same room, then she went to the kitchen and watched another episode from there before I went to bed.
She left with the kids the following morning and was being nice and sent a few texts along the way with more than one word and a period. She let me know when she got there and then told me she downloaded that book and thought we could both read it. I didn't respond. She's sent me a few texts and pictures of the kids. I told her thanks and kept things short. She was up and down the few times we spoke so I could talk to the kids. Should I even respond about the book? I wasn't going to unless she brings it up. Then I was going to say I was readings some other things right now, which I actually am.
I tried to do a little for myself this weekend. I got a haircut and went to the movies on Friday, caught up on some much-needed sleep yesterday but having lots of dreams about w the last few days. I also took one of the dogs to the park to fetch in the 40mph wind to get some energy out of her. It's weird being in an empty house, I'm really missing my kids this weekend.
Hi Kyh,
Just wondering if DR was ever dictated so that you can listen while driving? Dating myself, but thinking the newest version of books on tape?
Could help with those long car rides. I've been following along here although not posting much. Keep listening to Cali and Job. Thx for popping into my thread ... Glad you liked the soup
Stay strong my friend. You are doing better than you feel!
Xoxoxo
Thanks, I will have to look into the audiobook. I listen to podcasts but lately I'm so lost in thought I don't hear anything.
So w wanted to talk about r or rather d last night after she got home. I didn't want to as it was late and I'm trying to take advice and give her space. Everything was calm. I tried not to say to much and follow other advice I've been given. We talked for a while and she finally accepted an apology for me not standing up for her with my mother in the past after I rephrased things (& explained some things) thanks to another thread. Then she apologized for hurting me (I took it as referring to A but she didn't say that). Then she said she "just didn't think she could ever love me again." She has said that phase three times now. Twice last night.
During our talk I also got directly compared to her parents again. It was very strange and made me pause, I think she was expecting one of her parent's reactions (or both) out of me. She also told me she talked to step mil during her trip and has been talking to her throughout this. Well I know the latter part of this is a lie.
She asked about the book she sent. I looked at the author and she wrote another book about finding your true love in a few days (don't want to list any actual titles). I told w I looked at it and researched the author and found her other books. I said it must not have worked out so she wrote the second one and kind of laughed. She told me her friend recommended it and she just skimmed the preface. This is one of her friends whose husband doesn't ever have a job and cheats on her but she always stays together (w is always telling her not to put up with his As; idk how she makes sense of hers). Makes me wonder if she is helping push w to do something she really wants to. This is so frustrating.
W says she just wants to go. She said she wants to take her car, student loan, and credit card and d while spitting custody. Our other debt is my student loan and the mortgage (we just bought our first house).
I kept it together last night but had to go to work early this morning so she or the kids didn't see me so upset. I knew it would be coming but it still so painful.
She wants to talk about it again tonight so I guess I better brush up on my homework again today.
My advice? Tell her you have plans tonight and can't talk. Go get some rest somewhere. No good will come out of a second night in a row of no sleep emotional talk.
I agree w/twinmom. You can only listen to so much of this BS before it wears you down. I would go home, do whatever you do in the evening and if she begins to talk about the situation (again), advise her that you are sorry she feels that way and walk away. Do not engage in any more discussions about her and how she feels about the situation. I may be wrong, but I think she's trying to push you into telling her to leave or that you will pack up and leave...don't do it. If she wants to leave, she needs to be the one to decide to do it.
This type of discussion w/her will continue to go round and round and nothing will be accomplished. Nip it quickly and civilly and move to another room and find something to do.
My DB coach has a good line to avoid relationship talks: "We are going through a tough time and I don't think talking helps. We are both hurting and can get easily derailed. I'll give you the space you need. Let's relax until our minds are clear."
Hello KYH,
Did the two of you talk last night or were you able to use some of the good suggestions you received here and put it off?
You are so smart to recognize that the relationship talk isn't getting things moving in a positive direction. I'm glad you are doing your homework. More importantly, focus on making positive changes for you! Be the best KYH and Dad that only a fool would leave.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks everyone. When I got home last night she told me someone at her work quit and she had to go into her office and put things together to take care of her meetings so she didn't come home until after I had the kids in bed. She is wanting to talk about finances and splitting our joint accounts up and also about d without lawyers (at this moment I can't think of why I would do any work for something I don't want). She said she didn't have time to get the financial things together. I said that was fine and I was tired and going to bed. She looked terrible and had a headache but started talking about her work goals and how much she was going be making next year and how busy she was going to be. I was thinking and didn't say anything for a few seconds and then she said "I don't know why I'm telling you since you don't even care." I told her I did care and I wanted her to be successful. I was really supportive before all this as well. Then she said "I just don't want you to think I'm dependent." I told her I certainly didn't think she was a dependent person and that it was quite the opposite. I then said I was really tired and was going to bed. She said she had to go back into the office tonight when I get home.
I certainly needed a break to think. I was starting to question myself and what was going on, if it was really all me. Then I had to remind myself how she isn't the person I knew (no reason to list it all), and how I've been willing to own up to my faults work on anything and everything to no avail.
Job, I was thinking about what you said about wanting me to kick her out or leave. I've been wondering about that for awhile. She was acting really weird when she got home that night. What I said above about her expecting a reaction like her parents made me think she wanted a bad reaction so she could run. I never would have given her a reaction like her parents even though she's been able to get my personal worst out of me though all this. When I didn't give her what she expected that night she was surprised.
Cristy, I've been thinking about giving coaching a try (I've questioned a little of my counseling), but it would be difficult right now financially with the counseling I'm doing and w. Things are all over the place. Hopefully they will be in order soon.
Maybe I'm seeing some replay. She texted that her boss and h stopped and she was going to dinner with them. I replied thanks for letting me know, then nothing back and out and she's out late. I'm glad I know better than waiting up this time around.
You've been seeing replay for quite some time. The wishy washy decisions, the talk about divorce, etc., are all thoughts that occur in replay.
You've handled your situation thus far very well. Try to keep the focus on you and your children because your wife is going to be like a ping pong ball bouncing off the walls emotionally for quite a while.
So w has been gone most nights this week at work so not a lot of interaction. She's texted me quite a bit about her whereabouts and more texts with punctuation. Ive kept my replies short, thanks, etc
the morning after staying out late (refer in to former post) she had an early appointment and I was supposed to take the kids to school. She showed back up when I was making lunches and said she got no showed and had to reschedule and then thanked me for making lunches. I told her sorry about her appointment and that it has to be frustrating. She then talked for almost an hour while I listened, only validating. She told me how her previous day was bad, how the client at her first appt. was a perv, and how the next two both made racist comments (not knowing she is half black). I told her I was sorry that happened and she vented a little about it and then talked about her step family happily. During this time she also offered me a sip of her coffee she had just picked up as she was telling me how good it was. I was shocked! I thought I had cooties or something. That night she said she still hadn't put anything together and then we both went to bed.
The next day I kept it short in the morning and didn't see her until that night. She said she still didn't have anything put together. She told me she was doing something with her friend this weekend and mentioned another upcoming concert. I said okay and talked to her just a bit about d's bday coming up next month and went to bed.
I ended up with d at the office yesterday because she wasn't feeling good and have both kids in the office today and Monday. Good thing I don't have a normal job situation or I don't know how I could be handling everything. When d and I got home w told me that her friend needed to leave town and that she needed to stay at her place over the weekend (referring to not leaving) to watch her dogs. I just said okay, laughing inside; I've been expecting something good for v day. Then she told me she wanted the kids to come over there on Sunday since I get them at my office, am taking d to a bday party Saturday afternoon, and planned on taking both kids out to get a few things beforehand. This bothers me because of her dogs, w said she would lock them up when the kids are over, ugh... I was going to bed when she got home that night but she started talking about other things so I sat down and listened for just a bit before saying I needed to go to bed.
This morning she came and interrupted when d was giving me trouble getting ready. She came in and contradicted me, told me how I was handling it wrong (by turning the light on and calmly sitting and talking to a 6 yo not listening) and quickly made me the bad guy to the kids. She started to escalate things so I just went upstairs and had my tea and was late for work.
There has been no mention of d since last weekend and she keeps saying she hasn't had time for the finances. I really need to get our finances in order but wanting to avoid d talk at the same time. It's frustrating.
I've really been seeing her forgetfulness this week. She told me about a car accident near our house and I told her that was the same spot as the one I told her about the week before and she had no idea what I was talking about. She also told kids they'd have ice cream last night but went into work and to her friends and forgot so I had to take them. She's out of the blue, sworn, then said I forgot x at work a few times this week as well.
I'm trying not to be completely dark but not too eager to talk. Hopefully I can find the right balance.
The Ping pong reference seems very fitting. It seems like I'm seeing quicker stage cycling/hopping but maybe I'm just starting to be able to see them better. I'm definately seeing where I'm at in my cycle better this week.
You are doing very well in listening and validating department. She really is all over the place, but at least she's not mentioning the divorce right now.
Yes, they do tend to get forgetful because they have too much going on in their brains and that also could be part of the depression too.
So, if the kids are w/her some this weekend...then what are your plans while they are w/their mother?
Hi Job, as always thanks for your replies. lm not sure yet how I'm going to keep busy. I have a little vehicle maintenance to do (I actually enjoy this) but it won't take me long. I need to finish painting my bedroom too. I started a few weeks ago and haven't made time to finish. Idk if I like the color so I might start completely over. W and I always did that stuff together and had a good time, her loss I guess. If it's nice I'm definately going to try to get outside.
You've got some projects that will take your mind off of the situation. I always find painting to be soothing/relaxing. Definitely get outside if the weather is pleasant.
So my weekend went better than I expected. Started bad fri afternoon/night; w made me late for my appt by not picking up kids when she said (no biggie if I had more than 15 min notice but in hindsight I can see it was a teenage thing to do and she meant nothing by it). She had dinner made when I got home and left without eating. She texted later and said she fell asleep and prob missed talking to them. We were up late having a dance party so I said we would call before bed. W talked to kids later but our conversation was short and crappy.
W came home early sat am and asked what I had planned. I told her I was taking the kids to get new shoes and a gift for d to take to the party later. I then asked if she would like to join us and she said yes but you have to give me some time to do my hair. We talked for a bit before she got ready and then left. The morning went well, in the store she put her hand in my shoulder to balance when trying on some shoes. I was really surprised, she always keeps her distance. On the way home she suggested grabbing some food and When we got home she made a comment about us being a family with everyone in new shoes. I hadn't heard her mention us as a family in a long time. It was nice to hear regardless if she meant anything by it.
W took son to a play date and I took d to the bday party later but it was more of a drop off one so I got a few things done around the house. W came back shortly after d and I got back home and then left for her friends. She asked what we were doin that night and I told her I was probably going to buy Star Wars to watch with the kids. She said she'd like to watch it with them too so I said I would wait and she said thanks. I was really suprised because she's told me she hates the movies in the past. She also said that her friend's place wasn't kid friendly and she would probably come over again in the morning. She asked what I had planned on doing Sunday when I thought I'd have the kids. I said I had been thinking of going ice skating but if she was going to hang out we'd do something different. Then I asked if she'd like to try. She said no but she would go watch. I said I didn't want to exclude her but we would just see how things went the next day. Later after she went to her friend's house I thought it would be good for her to watch but unfortunately I found out there was hockey all day so no public skating. She was short as usual on the phone that night but I did ask her to pick something up for the kids when she came home.
She came back the next morning she brought balloons and chocolate strawberries for the kids. It was windy and chilly so we all ended up watching tv most of the day and w fell asleep for a few hours on the couch. She went back to her friends that afternoon. Kids and I had a good night and she picked them up from me at work this afternoon.
Tonight after putting the kids to bed she vented a little about work problems she was having with her boss's son and made mention of another "work problem" a few times but I didn't inquire. I could tell something was really bothering her though. Finally she just started talking, she told me about problems she was having with her boss. I let her vent a long time and did a good job validating and told her not to do anything until she wasn't so upset. I could see some of her old fire, how she used to vent to me about work before we were married (she was a stay at home mom from then until a year ago, I always told her that her job was the most important but I know now she wasn't happy; there's no other way we could've done it though, what she accomplished with our son is miraculous and she gives herself little credit). After she vented she talked a bit before she went to her room. Before going downstairs she thanked me for letting her vent. I told her of course and she could vent to me anytime. She said I just needed to get it out that's why I was upset this weekend too and thanked me again.
I certainly don't want her to be unhappy but it was kind of nice to hear it all because I know she's been talking to her boss throughout this and I think she also steers w towards D.
Hopefully I'm not looking too much into the last few days. W did say " I need to save money for my situation" during her complaining but that was the only mention of such. She looked a lot better than she has been lately even though I can tell she is hurting with her medical problem tonight.
I'm trying to keep remembering not to have any expectations and to keep on making myself better.
hello,
sounds like you are doing well, despite the sitch ... keep focusing on you and the kids ... xoxo
if we still had an edit button ... sigh ...
one other thing: keep being a friend to your W.
It is so hard being her friend sometimes. I hope I'm doing the right thing.
W was acting weird & moody again this morning. She was home when I came home at lunch and acting weird again, possibly avoiding her office. Headphones in all day until tonight & smoking a lot. She met with her friend today too, she is always different after being with her. She was telling me about her friends apt., it sounds like it's been decorated by a teenager with money that's into horror movies, very dark, no wonder it's not kid friendly!
Tonight she said she had time for the finances, she split things up like she said before giving me the mortgage and that she doesn't want child support. then she went right into talking about custody. She acts like its no big deal and the kids will be fine with it. She also said idk why you think you'll only get to see them half the time or only half the weekends, we can do different scheduling... So I take that as she wants weekends free.
I got really upset so I didn't say anything except I had a bad day and couldn't do this now and was going to bed. At least I knew better than to say anything but I feel awful.
I think I screwed up inviting her along this weekend. Maybe I should've kept it me and the kids. Idk.
you know this whole being a friend thing ... you also have to be a friend to yourself first.
I'm sorry she's still pushing the D.
Do what you can to protect yourself and your children. Sending hugs xoxoxo
I'm sorry she's still acting strange, but that's MLC. She's hanging w/people who are acting like "teenagers". The "dark" setting is something a lot of the kids were into a while back and I guess they still are now. Goth looks to me are depressing, but it's the thing w/the younger set.
Sounds like she wants her weekends free to party and do fun things. If and when a schedule is set, the visitation times should be pretty much firm unless there is an emergency, etc. If it becomes a free wheeling schedule, she'll probably jerk you all around and you will end up w/the kids a large majority of the time.
I think you did the right thing by exiting the room if you were upset...but at some point, you will need to figure out what you need to do about your situation, if she continues to push/file for divorce.
I don't think you screwed up inviting her along this weekend. Who knows, she may not go. It's still early in the week and things do change. I do hope things settle down for you and you can focus on you and your children.
BTW, have you spoken to a lawyer yet? You know it might not be a bad idea to speak to one to see what your legal rights are just in case this thing blows up.
Keep the focus on you. Take care of yourself.
K
Sorry for your pain
I don't think we can screw up
I think it helps to be validating and kind but wither way most of these MLCers are on a preset track, some for disaster..at least for a while
some do seem to come back around over time..some still seem strange after many years..some never snap out
You sound like you are doing very well given the situation and most importantly you will learn and grow and create a better life for yourself
It happens for the LBS
It seems like they get to have all the fun for a while, but the tables do turn for many over time
Hang In
Funny you say that bttrfly, my counselor told me the same thing last week. It's something I really need to work on.
I figured she would go back in her hole, it was nice to see a little of her over a few days. I feel like I lose any progress I've made with her after she goes and hangs out with her friend. I can't remember if I mentioned it before but her friend's h died before her and w met and she is depressed too. She wants a friend to run around and w joins right up. The one time she stopped to pick w up I felt like I was sending my teen out with her friend.
Scheduling might be difficult because we both have to travel. I might have to tell my boss I'm only available every other week but that's not ideal when I moved states to open another office by myself. IDK what I'm going to do this summer when school is out.
I know you're right about the time. Just like last week, today she didn't pick the kids up when she said she would so the kids had to spend after school at my office. She texted and said she was on her way but I told her to wait as it would be time to leave when she got there anyway. On my way home I got another that she was going to her boss's house real quick and she was gone 2.5 hours.
Tonight I found out she packed almost all her clothes sometime today. They are piled up in plastic bags in her room! I've been upset the last couple days and I shouldn't have said anything but I told her to quit letting me walk into surprises and that I had feelings and to start acting like it. That was it but I should've kept my mouth shut.
She was mad this morning just before I left, I think because I didn't say anything to her after saying bye to the kids because she was getting ready in her room with the door shut. She ran after me to ask if I was picking the kids up from school, then I heard doors slamming downstairs on my way out. I wonder if this had something to do with her packing up stuff today.
She seems determined about D. I don't want to put any effort into something I don't want but I don't want her to be the ringmaster either. I called an attorney today and am going to get in next week.
This is her pms time so I'm hoping things quiet down a little in the next couple days. Her condition makes it a lot worse. From what I read it can be more painful than childbirth and can spread to other parts of the body too. She's been living like that for about 2-3 years and was finally working to schedule a surgery right when MLC came out. Strangely it seems to have gotten better since MLC has been in effect, unless she's just not showing it to me.
I typed incorrectly in my last post about inviting her. I was referring to last weekend when she went with me and the kids. D has another bday party this weekend but I might let w take her this time. Hopefully the weather will be nice and I can get out with the kids.
I need to try remember what and who (or not who) I'm dealing with and continue validating and being nice, I forget she is looking for the opposite from me as her parents.
thanks for the support everyone!
Well things just keep getting more bizarre. She was mad about me not saying bye yesterday and it was a stupid PA thing for me to do. I found an email from her yesterday. It basically told me my faults again and she threatened to give me less custody time and how she was mad we didn't finish talking about the night before. Her letters always make me feel terrible. I sent a text telling her I have been emotional and it wasn't a good time and we could talk later.
Well now for the surprise, she sent me a reply telling me how she knows I'm not always happy with my job and that last night her boss offered her a job in another city (a s@%!hole mining town in the middle of nowhere with nothing around)and she wants to move! This is the office where the OM works! And I found out she is still in contact, not that I'm surprised. So I'm now supposed to quit my job so she can move to a crappy town where she can work with OM! I had a good job offer there a few years ago and we decided against it because it is a craphole. Pure craziness! She is going to give me a heart attack.
Ended up on the phone half the afternoon, hot and cold conversation that ended okay but some of my DB practice went out the window. IDK what to do about her, this is just unbelievable.
And another stupid thing I did. She was mad at me for not reading the books she is trying to give me. I told her I wasn't going to put effort into something I didn't want. I asked why I would do that for her when she won't even lift a finger to try to do anything for me. I told her the only way I would read it is if she read a book about relationship repair. She said okay. I feel so stupid for this, I'm probably hurting myself more.
Ok, well MLCers have a lot of ideas as you are now hearing. That sounds like a keeper: go to the town out of Deliverance, where OM lives and have a MLC there.
So we can't control what our spouses will do. We can't control their MLC nor can we fix it. They all scramble for band aids. And yes, some of them do run their mouths. One option is to say very little but listen, nod and learn a lot. My h ran his mouth and boy did I get schooled in MLC. I learned to practice a high level of detachment and letting go, too.
We can still be kind to them but less "involved" while making ourselves and our kids the primary focus. Otherwise this tornado will overtake every part of our lives.
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Ok, well MLCers have a lot of ideas as you are now hearing. That sounds like a keeper: go to the town out of Deliverance, where OM lives and have a MLC there.
At least there are trees in that town. This one is nothing but holes in the ground and wind. A very depressing place, literally nothing to do without driving 2 hours. I'm still in awe about this.
I learned to practice a high level of detachment and letting go, too.
I realized this week what I felt as detachment was probably part denial. I let her hurt me pretty bad yesterday.
Yesterday w told me again that she wanted to go to my next IC appointment. I told her no, it was my place to go talk and work on myself. I don't need to hear everything again, and I know she will turn if she gets any criticism.
W texted me this morning and told me she made an appointment with a counselor to go on her own. I told her I was happy for her, which I truly am; she needs it. This was followed by multiple texts telling me how her feelings haven't changed and how she was only going so she could better explain her herself to me and make the process easier for the kids. Maybe a few truth darts from yesterday stuck.
great that she will go to IC
The MLCer does not want the LBS to get their hopes up..many of them seem set on their track
it just takes them a long time..time is good though because some will also turn around over time
yeah thats what i thought too --- she wants to make sure you know she hasn't changed her mind, even though she might be waffling inside.
take care of you and your children. easier said than done. it's really important to try to figure out what you want.
not what she wants.
not what's best for anyone else, even including your children. oddly, what's best for you will be best for them. take some time to be still and really think about what it is that you want in your life. once you know that, you can move forward.
does that make sense?
xoxoxo
Thanks for the replies. I'm trying not to get my hopes up or expecting anything but I'm really happy she decided to go to IC.
Bttrfly, that does make sense. I've had a lot of thinking to do this week. I saw a side of her I never have after her last idea, plain nasty, it woke me up.
Hawho, I've been keeping my mouth shut, listening and observing like you said and seeing a lot more of how bad of shape she is in and noticing more teenage antics, responses, etc.
Saturday she was acting weird again, she was hurting really bad with her condition (hunched over shuffling around) but was also outside smoking and on the phone all morning as well as acting more depressed than normal. She was also really set on sending d with s and I to get his hair cut. That night she told me she was going to quit smoking. I told her good for her. She has brought up quitting several times lately. I keep telling her I'm glad for her and I know it is hard, making sure to make it is all about her because she quit smoking for me when we were dating.
Sunday she was set on making sure to take d to a bday party and said she was going to her office while d was there. Later she said it was a stay there party so she didn't go to her office when they got home late. When they got back d came in all excited about eating mcds which we never do (we treat s with diet and w has changed a lot of eating habits since BD). W told me she had another bday party to go to but d told me the next day she just played with some older kids while mom talked to a lady. I wonder if she is putting papers together.
She really has been out of it lately. This weekend she left and I was watching out the window thinking OMG she's going to back out in front of that car, sure enough she did. When she got home she asked if I heard that car honk at her, then said can you believe that?, honking at me leaving my own driveway! It was totally her fault but I said I saw that car coming and it was going too fast, no wonder you didn't see them. A couple other times I've said something to her and she is lost in thought and literally doesn't hear a word or know I'm there. Last night I left to run and get some tea and said I set the timer for a couple minutes, and asked her to check the pizza out when it goes off. I came back to her sitting at the table doing work and dinner burning. She never heard it. However, if there is something I don't want her to remember or anything negative she sure as heck will!
She has also made a few comments about how she is a horrible person a few times over the last week or so. I tell her she's not, that she is a great person and to quit saying that because it's not true. This is garbage her parents told her as a girl and young adult (she has told me awful things they told her).
This week she's left her tablet laying on the counter quite a few times. I wonder if it was by accident of if she was seeing if I will look at it. I know she went through one of my dresser drawers and my ipad history was opened up the other night, sloppy work unless she wants me to know. I'm glad I decided to keep DR in my office! I also noticed she has been leaving her phone on the counter/table facing up the last few days, it's been attached to her and face down since this all began. I wonder if Saturday morning wasn't about OM.
Night before last she was upset about something. I could tell so I asked if she was okay. She said no, then said she was having trouble at work. I asked if I could do anything for her and she said no again but then said thanks. She told me she bought cigarettes again and she felt bad then gave me a guilty look. I told her I wasn't judging and she looked a little relieved. She didn't look good last night (looked very unhappy) but I did notice she's gained some weight so I'm glad she's eating!
Job, thank you for reviving the two older threads this week and the lighthouse post! They were very helpful for me during this stressful week.
Kyh sounds like you are doing a really good job of not putting on pressure, validating where appropriate, but most importantly observing what is really going on with her. Keep up the good work!
xo
More of the same ol same ol over the weekend; however, I was able to step back and separate my emotions a little better and see a lot more of w's craziness.
Saturday w took the kids on a play date at the park for an hour or so and then spent the day in and out if her room. When she was out she was talking about getting old because it was her brothers bday. I spent the day with the kids and we got out bikes out. We were riding every evening before the winter, it will be nice to start again.
She went out Saturday evening and didn't come home until the next morning. She was sick the next day, hungover I'm sure. D happened to be sick too, but not like w. Since d was sick we couldn't do much so I had a stay at home day with the kids Sunday. W kept asking kids to come lay down with her in her room but they never went. Maybe she did a little thinking about that while she was down there alone but I doubt it.
Over the weekend and last few days she's been validating me, thanking me for doing the laundry, cooking, etc. but she hasn't been eating with us for a week or so now. If she does she doesn't sit at the table with us. In fact, this week she replaced her spot at the table with a new printer for her work. I cleaned the whole upstairs except for that but she didn't notice. That image of the table with three clean spots, flowers, and a printer with work papers really says a lot.
She was all upset about work again last night, so I validated her and took the opportunity to plant a seed about her changing jobs. It would be good for her in a lot of ways. I can see that things are going downhill for her at work, she got taken advantage of for a grand or so yesterday. She said a few things indicating she had already thought about it a little.
After putting the kids to bed she asked how my last IC session was. I'm always vague, I then asked if she went to hers yet and she said she hadn't called back. Then told me she was going to start sleeping only 5 hours a day, I laughed and then she told me lots of people do. I said yes, they're called crazy people and then told her about the brain cleansing itself during deep sleep and how people have sleep needs that change as we age. She laughed at me then did a quick internet search and yawned, said was tired and was going to bed, lol.
Ive been doing a lot of thinking and remembered w told me last week that I was always there for the kids but not for her. How should I take this? Also, at the beginning of this she said she couldn't wait for them to grow up. I said something about it and she immediately took it back but wth. This also makes me wonder because the time from which she claims to have been unhappy (now) coincides with when our s was born. What does this all mean?
This scares me, and after what I saw in her last week it really does. She has a sister that is literally insane to say the least and I'm worried w is headed that way.
I saw a lawyer last week, so I have an idea of what's going on if w files, etc. I've thought a lot about d but the way I feel now, at the end of the day it would be out of anger and resentment with the hope of getting a change from her so I don't think it is right. I think she maybe wants me to file so she can put the blame on me.
I also found out yesterday that my counselor is going to get her phd and leaving in a couple months. She said she would be glad for me to come to her new office but it would be 45 min one way when the weather is good. Idt I could work that now so I'm going to have to find someone else. This stinks for me but good for her.
This weekend were having bday party for d and hopefully the weather will be nice enough to get out with the kids. Planning on making it a good one when I get home from a trip this week.
I agree with Bttfly, you are doing great at observing and validating. It helps to see how frazzled and out of sorts they are, to give us some compassion and patience. Lots of people are only sleeping 5 hours? Did she say why? That sounds terrible, lol.
Keep up the good work
She told me she is waking up wide awake in the middle of the night and that she thought she was one of those people who only needs 5 hours of sleep a night and would just start getting up because she's more tired if she goes back to bed and then told me how lots of people do it. She was talking about getting more work done. Ugh... I guess it's one more thing that shows her thinking is off.
Last night w had the kids call and was putting them to bed early. She said she needed to call her mom about her dad. I texted later to ask how he was and she called me back and told me he had cancer but it was localized and he was going in for surgery later this week. I asked how she was and how her parents were. She told me okay and thanks for asking and that she had to call her mom back. I texted her to ask if she was ok this morning and got I'm fine about an hour later. Not sure what to do with her. If I ask how she is doing she'll pull away but if I don't she will say I'm distant. I'm afraid this is going to make things worse.
Also, when I talked to the kids tonight I found out she took the them to a play date tonight with the same lady as the weekend before last so she's up to something.
Its a fine line to figure out what kind of responses work in mLC
The coach told me if you find a reaction is bringing R closer, continue it
If it creates distance ,stop it
You will have to figure out what responses are best but I think validating and being cordial and kind without going overboard or pursuing
read her cues as best you can
and remember continue with your life
focus on you too
maybe a new hobby, activity or friend
You can't fix her and she will need to go through this on her own
Thanks Peace. I'm trying to figure this out; its funny how such a seemingly simple thing is hard to do with a MLCer.
She's been all over the place again lately (sometimes like turning a switch) and I've noticed if I can keep from being affected, whatever is going on seems to go better. I may even be able to change the mood from what is expected. I'm also noticing how much she is trying to control everything. She gets upset at everyone and everything but less at me it seems like.
She is still thanking me for doing things, like making kids lunches, cleaning, etc. and apologizing for the mess (like it's not perpetual lol), etc. She even left a note for me Monday apologizing for the mess in the kitchen (she used to leave me notes all the time). Maybe she feels bad because I came home a day early last week and the house was completely annihilated.
Monday was d6's bday. W was off, she was supposed to get a few gifts during the day (s and I got a couple on the weekend and I offered to help if she needed something) but didn't so we had to go to the store after going out to dinner so she could run in. She did take balloons and treats to d at school though, and d had a great bday! We are having a party for her tomorrow at a bounce house place so the kids should have a blast.
Last night was tough, yesterday I came home from work and she was down. I was too as I had just read about our friend who died before BD in the news because the guy who caused her accident had his sentencing. She told me a client of hers lost his d and that a friend called and that her sister's h passed away. I asked if she knew about the sentencing since she had talked to her friend (she was bf with our friend that passed away) and I figured she did but she hadn't. I told her about it and she got really mad and then depressed. It's not good for her to have so much anger about this. It's awful and I don't know how I feel about it, but in this case I would rather forgive and wish/hope for someone to turn their life around than to carry around anger and hate. I wanted to hug her but she was standoffish and I know better so I just asked if she was okay. She said yes and went to her room for a while and then said she was going out to get a couple things. She came back with stuff for dinner but it was almost the kid's bedtime and I had already made dinner and we had eaten. She told me I should have texted her and told her to come home (really??) and that she was just driving around and lost track of time.
Tonight was alright, she vented about her work then talked to me quite a bit and seemed less tense, I think her eyes were less dull but very sad tonight. She stayed upstairs longer than normal after the kids went to bed.
Also, since this weekend she's cooked again a few times (making food we ate before we got married) she even asked if there was something I would like her to make. I made sure to tell her I appreciated it each time.
I'm trying to remind myself to keep expectations at zero, to be patient, and try to detach.
Not all that easy to gal but I've been enjoying my time with the kids more, keeping busy but really slowing down to appreciate it.
Catching up a bit. Been busy with work and the kids, d has been sick for a couple days.
D had a great bday party last week. Friday I had the kids all night as w was out until after they were in bed. Saturday I took the kids and dogs on a trip to my parents and w went to another concert. The kids love going to the farm and the horses! Had another little bday for d. Took the kids to church the next day and came home after my mom took d to future sil's shower.
Didn't hear anything from w until Sunday afternoon. She started texting me pics from bday party. I sent a couple from the weekend back, then she went cold after I didn't reply to a text for 10-15 min. She texted later she would have dinner ready for the oven and was gone until kids bedtime after we got home. The next day she told me it was nice to be alone and for it to be quiet. I wonder if this is how she really felt.
The next day she was parked in the driveway when I came home for lunch. I went in and ate then finally went out to check on her (more than a wave) and found her crying. She told me she went to work and her desk was boxed up and she just took her stuff and left. She came back in and vented a bit while I listened. She said she'd been on the phone and she wasn't fired but they were moving things around. I told her even if that's the case you don't do that, I think she's finally seeing her boss isn't as great as she's thought which could be good as I think she is pushing w towards D. She was in and out if her room and crying all night. She did come out for dinner though.
I see them praise her and then do stuffike this. And like clockwork, her boss gave her an account the next day to make up for it. I asked w if she apologized too and she said no just gave me the account.
W was trying to be nice yesterday as I worked from home to stay with d but snipping at me for everything last night. I just let it all slide and kept a good attitude, idk if she even new she was doing it. I had to do the same today, she was looking for something to get mad about.
I've been trying not to focus so much on w and observe. I don't have a lot if chance to gal on my own but I'm making sure to keep busy and have fun with with my kids.
I'm glad that you and the kids were able to get away for a bit last weekend. A farm is a wonderful place to live and/or visit. I'm sure the kids enjoyed being around the animals. I'm also glad that your D had a great party and could enjoy herself.
It sounds like your w's boss is a piece of work. Things in her work place don't sound all that stable and has some tension. The only thing you can do is listen and validate, which you did.
You are handling your situation well. Keep up the good work!
Ugh.. Her and holidays. Thursday she texted me at work and asked what we should do for Easter as we usually go to my parents. I said idk let me think about it asked if she had any ideas. She then texted back how she wanted kids split for which holidays with no suggestion for what to do for Easter. I didn't reply.
I think she's trying to get me upset. She's been really stressed the last couple days and trying to get me to be defensive.
Friday she was acting really strange, if I made eye contact she would raise her eyebrows then say "what?" Or bite her lips. She also seemed really depressed. She said she had an appt after I got home from work and she would be back soon with dinner. I got a text later that she wouldn't be back until later and asked me to take care of dinner but to tell the kids she would bring desert before bed. Well she came home at 9 the next morning.
I'm glad I got desert when we were out so the kids weren't too let down about that. They didn't say much, sadly i think they're starting to see it as par for her now but are too young to see what's going on. I held them both for a while and we stayed up a little late and watched some tv before bed. It's so frustrating how insensitive she can be to them. There are other times she's great but it seems to be less and less.
Yesterday morning I woke up really early with a terrible dream about w and couldn't go back to sleep so I got up. W's car wasn't in the garage and the kids had play dates she arranged, one coming to our house, and kids tell me they're at the same time. I cleaned, made breakfast, and texted so I could drop s off a little early and make it back home for d's friend came over. I got a call from an unknown number and it was w. She sounded upset and told me she went to have a couple drinks with her bosses (h&w) and blacked out and they took her to their house (wow, a text might have been nice! What kind of people are they? They know she has kids at home and I suspect OM. Her attitude has changed since she started working for them. In their defense who knows what she has told them. If this is even what happened). She said she didn't remember leaving the bar and it's never happened to her before and kept apologizing but I didn't say hardly anything. Interestingly she said "I feel like I'm 18" (she doesn't seem to be hung over either, weird).
She got home when I was leaving and then got an attitude with me for taking the kids to drop s off. When I got home I took a note I left in case d's friend showed up off the door. W snipped asking me what it was, she must have thought it was for her.
Her eyes were not right, Its hard to describe it, they seemed a little off from each other. Not to mention more dead than normal shark eyes.
Last night w stood in the hall and talked to me while I did laundry in my room. Then she said I guess I will go to step inlaws and you can take the kids to your parents' for Easter.
Idk what to do, I don't want to do that to the kids and I don't want to be asked where she is all weekend. I also think she will go to step inlaws and make me out to be a jackass. I wonder if this is where she would really go anyway. She didn't seem to concerned about the kids:( I thought about asking step mil if w was going but i don't want to put her in the middle of the sitch, I don't want a pity invite (w made it clear I was not invited but I know it's just her, step mil would never do that to me and even invited me up on my own last time we talked) and to drag our baggage there. I think I am going to stay in town with the kids and have our own little Easter. I feel bad but I can't deal with my family and this right now.
I hope I'm doing the right thing standing. I know something is seriously wrong with w but I sure don't want my kids to think it is okay to be treated like I am or to treat someone how w does to me. On the other hand, one day they will know I did everything I could for w and our family.
I don't know if I handled her latest out all night okay. I just took care of what needed done yesterday and didn't say hardly anything to her. This is completely unacceptable, it was hard to keep quiet. Now she's acting as if it were me out all night.
I just want to tell you that you are a really good dad. Make Easter the best it can be for you and your kids. Try not to analyze too much yet as she may change plans again.
I hate to ask this but could she be using drugs? Just thinking about her blackout. Obviously, you can't control that but if she is supervising/driving kids, it certainly matters. And it does become your business.
As for the lack of eye contact and the lip biting, that's her guilt showing.
The running around in replay is really tough. We have to take care of the kids first and foremost, as you are already doing. Personally, I said very little in those months. It was all so pathetic. My "strategy" (if you can call it that) was to hope it would wear thin and sizzle out. It was hard to zip it. As crazy as this sounds my h seems to be done with that portion and I swear, I don't think he realized he was even doing it.
Do you have family who can watch your kids so you can get a break? MLC with young kids in tow is a tough row to hoe. How can you carve out some time for you?
Thank you so much for the compliment, it made my day!
I don't think she is on any drugs unless she took something for her pain. I know she took tramadol Wednesday but as far as I know, from what she's old me, that was it. She usually tells me if she takes something because she has had some bad medication reactions but I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't anymore.
Thank you for the advice, I almost slipped up this weekend but then shut my mouth. W sounds like her mother from time to time lately, it's terrible.
I might have the kids go with my parents some weekend, but I'd have to get out of town. W isn't too nice without the kids around.
I think I've decided to stay home with kids for Easter, i'm not going to let her go out every weekend and leave me alone on a holiday and I'm not ready to deal with my family.
Funny, she went grocery shopping again today and she bought a lot of things she would we were married. Last time it was from her childhood. she's making things and getting upset that the kids aren't eating totally forgetting they've never had much of it and that we ate nearly vegetarian for the last few years until BD, but it was her idea when we started.
W is unbelievable, I haven't felt good all weekend and yesterday I was supposed to leave town but was sick. W came in twice and got mad at me both times. Then she came home in the afternoon with s who got sick at school and tried to pick a fight. Just what need while sick.
I canceled my last IC appt because she told me she needed me to pick up the kids. Later she told me she didn't need me to pick the kids up but I didn't tell her I canceled it (why wouldn't i cancel?). She flipped out and said she called the office and knew I wasn't there and was demanding to know where I was for that hour. She was completely awful yesterday.
Still felt terrible last night. I was laying in bed trying to go back to sleep and I could hear w talking on phone through the vent, pretty sure it was om. I went down and knocked on her door and it took her forever to answer (with only short robe on) I told her I could hear her through the vent and she got really po'd then tried to say she was talking to her sister which is a lie by the way she sounded. This is so aggravating.
I ended up leaving town this morning
still not feeling the best. She would barely look at me the morning and had an attitude. S got sick again this morning so I'm sure she's also mad her plans are interrupted.
Her narcissism is becoming worse and worse. I can nearly check off every box. It's unbelievable who she has become.
Omg idk what to do.. I know why w was mad when I didn't leave Monday and ties when I still felt sick. She moved out when I was out of town this week. She sent a text to me this morning now I have a 5 hour drive with coworkers. I've also been insanely sick all week. This just awful. I'm trying to stay calm I can't believe she did this to me I feel humiliated.
I am so very sorry. Normal people don't function in this fashion, obviously. Do not let yourself feel humiliated because of her and something you have no control over. She has gone crazy, plain and simple.
I have said the following on Irish's thread. So many men walk away from their responsibilities that, sadly, as a society no one really questions it anymore. We don't really stop to think how broken a man has to be to do that to himself and his loved ones because so many men now do it. When a woman walks away from her kids it really screams and flashes sirens that this is a person in tremendous crisis.
For me to walk away from my kids, I would have to be completely insane. If I had even an ounce of sanity left I would taking my kids with me come h€ll or high water.
You didn't break her but you can't go down with her ship. You have to take care of you and your kids. Drop the rope and let her go.
Why on earth should YOU feel humiliated, when this behavior just reflects badly on your WIFE?
Take a deep breath - I know this feels really disrespectful (and it is). She obviously has been planning this for a while, and she was a coward to not tell you.
Do you know where she has moved? Did she take the kids with her? Furniture? You definitely need a lawyer ASAP to protect your rights as far as child custody goes.
Take the high road - just be factual, deal with the legal and financial logistics. If there is any chance of her returning (assuming you would even want her after a stunt like this) it will be better if you always stuck to the high road. Be firm - don't let her abuse you financially or with custody - but stay out of the mud. No blaming, no passive-aggressive stuff, just "If this is what you really want, I don't think you're making the right choice but it is your decision" and leave it at that.
Your lawyer can tell you whether in your state, her leaving the home constitutes any kind of abandonment - if you own your home, she may be giving up some rights to it in certain states. If she cleaned out bank accounts or took a lot of belongings she may have to reimburse you for those.
I know you feel like you just got sucker punched in the gut, but try to leave the emotional part out of it for the moment and just focus on the practical financial realities, for the sake of you and your kids. Keep what is in THEIR best interests foremost in your mind.
Thank you for the replies and advice. I wish I would have had a chance to read this before I saw w. She texted quite a few times this afternoon wondering when I would be back so she could drop off the kids. She was in a hurry. I took a couple steps back dbing when she dropped the kids off,not bad, I stayed calm and they were truth darts really but I definitely should have kept my mouth shut. She just scoffed at me got an attitude and left.
I broke down after she left and it started to upset the kids so I had to get it together. We got pizza and dyed eggs. Even sent w a couple pics. Tonight d said she wanted me close so the kids are in my bed tonight. Tomorrow I might look at moving them into the bedroom next to mine that was the office.
She moved in with her friend. Definitely not thrilled about that! I only asked the kids a few questions. She didn't take anything with her but clothes, jewelry, etc. the bank account looks normal but I've got to get everything in order.
In her text she acted like I should know and said she sent an email. I've told her I rarely check that email before so idk why she thought I would see it this week. I checked it tonight and she said she wanted the kids Monday after school to Friday morning dropping them off and I could have them on the weekends. The kids told me that too after she left. I'm going to have to do a lot of thinking here. Looks like she wants the weekends to party, maybe the kids are better off with me every weekend if that's the life she wants.
Kml always gives very good advice. She is especially good at the "business side" of MLC. I would get to a lawyer ASAP.
As for her custody arrangement, it's pathetic. Theoretically, when dealing with a sane spouse you want a fair arrangement for you. But, someone who
Sorry ... On my iPhone and hit submit accidentally.
Was going to say: someone who sneaks off like she did is clearly not sane. So, I could not say I would want her having too much time with the kids. It would worry me. Best to do as KML says and put the kids first.
Thinking of you.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope you (and everyone else here) had a great Easter.
It was an alright Easter for us. I had a few hard moments but the kids had a great time. We went to the movies since it was a little cold and messy from the snow last week. We had Easter pizza, I feel really bad but I was too tired to cook. I've been exhausted since last week.
I ended up telling my parents Friday night, they were upset but knew something has been up. They came over Saturday for most of the day. My dad helped me move the kids into the bedroom next to mine. Plus the Easter Bunny needed to go shopping, so that worked out good. They both apologized for things being not so great a lot of the time growing up, etc. Even though I've already dealt with this and forgave them a long time ago it was nice to hear.
I'm doing okay for the most part but random things pop up and get me upset. The kids seem to be okay but I know it is bothering them inside. I guess the plus side to her running around is they've gotten used to her not being at home. I try to talk but not pry and ask them how they feel and let them know I love them. S got visibly upset a few times this weekend and asked about mom once. I saw him staring at a family picture once too. D seems to not understand what is happening as much but I know it bothers her. She didn't want to go to school this morning. One of the dogs was waiting for her by the door for a couple days too.
I'm supposed to meet with w tomorrow after work to discuss finances and close/change accounts, etc. I'm putting a small list of things together. I also left a message for my lawyer today.
My first week alone was alright but I sure missed having the kids. I hated the empty feeling in the house but there was also a calmness that I haven't felt in a long time. No walking on eggshells or wondering "who" was going to emerge from the basement.
I was excited to get them Friday afternoon, especially so because it was my bday. They took me out to eat that night and got me a game we played this weekend. I would have liked a nice restaurant but they were worn out from the week and in no shape to sit down for a nice meal. They went to bed early and were asleep almost instantly. I think w has been putting them to bed late.
W didn't tell me happy bday, idk if she couldn't or wouldn't. She texted late that night and said "I'm sure the kids are already in bed can I call them tomorrow?"I told her she could always call the kids anytime she wants. She then said "I hope you had a good bday with them." I just said thanks.
Saturday we went to the museum, I didn't know it was family day but we ended up doing the kids' activities and then went through. The kids had a great time and were excited to call w and tell her about it when we got home. Sunday was nicer and the snow melted off so I set up the kids' trampoline. W didn't want it up since we moved and the kids have been asking about it lately. Last night she texted to see if it was a good time to call. I sent her a few pictures of d with a school project we had been working on. She sent a text back about how she was going to do it with her this week but was glad we worked on it together.
W didn't meet with me last week. Canceled the first night, then said she was behind because of the snow and school getting canceled for the other nights I proposed. I texted her again this morning, a few hours later she said she could email it but could meet. I asked her to meet with me tomorrow evening, she is really trying to avoid it. There are a few other things I wanted to talk about, mostly financial. Idt she's even thought about taxes lately, she thinks we will get a refund which I'm sure is not going to be the case. I also want her to know our custody situation is not set in stone. I would also like to tell her I don't want the kids to have any contact with OM but IDT she would at this point and I'm thinking I should bring OM as little as possible from what I've read. I'm not sure what to do about this one. I also don't want her to feel bombarded or she will likely turn monster.
Right now I'm just trying to let her be and hoping her fantasy will end and she will wake up. I think not having her around will help me concentrate more on myself and kids and less on her.
Kyh
I too have read up on you just not posted much.
So the one thing that pops out at me is the entire OM/Kids thing. Been there done that .... here is the deal with all this. in your MLCr YOU are the roadblock between her and the euphoric happiness she is hell bent on achieving, with this in mind you bringing up how you forbid any contact of OM with your kids will simply come across as controlling and you trying to stamp out her happiness. She will most likely monster as you predict ... or maybe she wont ... we can never predict how a MLCr reacts but what I can tell you is you can not control what she does, who she does it with, where she does it, what time ... you catch my drift here? Its out of YOUR control so the only thing you achieve by saying "I am not comfortable with the kids being around OM" is showing your emotions/feelings ..... this will just be more ammo for her to put into her justification shotgun that she has been loading during her crisis.
She most likely knows you do not want OM around the kids without you saying a word ... so don't. Sure it stinks ... My W had OM and his kids over making Ginger-Bread houses like a new little family, stung like a bugger but there was nothing I could do about it. Me making a scene was not going to do a darn thing really.
One thing that is hard with this .. move the focus from her and what she is doing toward you and what you CAN be doing ... that's the only part you truly control, its the only part where you can get better and grow in all this ... she is on her own path and you are wasting time wanting to point out the potholes on her path ... pave your own road.
Just my nickel
Cali,
Thank you for your advice, it is much appreciated. Tomorrow I am going to stick to just our finances and keep it as short and stress free as possible. That is if she shows up.
I've been thinking about some short term goals tonight. A few thing to help me focus on myself and my kids.
My meeting with w was okay. She gave me all our account information, etc. and we agreed to wait until next month to split the car insurance. We also discussed the kids, how we would split time, about this summer etc. I kept thinking about responding vs reacting and thought things went well although it was tough, I felt so many emotions whirling. I saw w almost tear up once. She told me she went in and petted the dogs when she picked up the kids carseats out of the garage. I told her it was fine and she agreed to let the dogs in and out next week when I have to leave town. She told me she was taking the kids swimming tomorrow night and invited me to come watch. She also told me I would probably have papers coming in the mail. I told thanks for letting me know and I was sorry she felt that is what she needed.
This was more than she has talked to me in ages and I got to see how scrambled her brain is. There were several things I've talked about before that she had no clue about. I also asked her if she wanted me to donate the scrubs she left in the basement and she told me she was thinking about going to nursing school and she wanted them. She really doesn't know what she is doing right now.
Well, yesterday, just before 5, I got papers served to my office. Not surprised but it still hurts. I don't get her, i read through them and she went and got a lawyer (I was under the impression we were going for mediation and going to make this as pain free as possible) and in the paperwork it reads like she wants primary custody. My lawyer is out until the week after next, I feel like I'm going insane with this plus my boss with work the last couple days. My stomach is in knots and I can't concentrate.
I spoke to w last night and this morning about her intentions (why not mediation and custody) and she is either lying or an idiot, probably both. She told me she wasn't seeking primary custody and that she didn't know what her lawyer had sent. She said she didn't read anything she sent. I told her we could do mediation if she works with me on this. I also told her I wanted the kids every other week and that split custody is what we discussed and is fair. She asked how I would do that with traveling and I told her I would tell the company I could only travel every other week. We talked more about the kids and this summer, how we needed to work together for them, etc. and she asked me if I wanted them for a month this summer! She is nuts, she must have some sort of plans. I told her I would be glad to but I would never give them up for a month.
I'm afraid she might try to get primary custody and then move since she had her awesome idea a month or two ago. I saw her crazy @ sister do that! She took her d away from her ex (I've met smarter goldfish) and moved across the country. Her parents actually paid for her ex's attorney in that mess because she's so looney! W also barely spoke to her family until this happened and they shunned her sister and took w back in (she didn't have much to do with them before that). I didn't bring this up at all to her and I'm done talking to her about this. I'm trying not to concentrate on her and keep my mouth shut but this is so consuming.
I started typing this last night and ended up going to bed so the first part reads a little funny in regard to the days.
Hi Kyh
I'm a bit caught up on your most recent posts. I"m so sorry it's come to this. My best advice to you is listen to Cali, KML and Ha ... you're getting great advice there.
I will add this: the best advice my mediator gave me is know what Kyh wants. Be very very clear about what Kyh wants. The rest will fall into place. It might take you some time to figure that out, but really work on that.
The best advice my lawyer gave me is that this isn't a marriage. This is the dissolution of a business. Keep the emotion out of the business side of divorce. Do you know what I mean? Have the emotions when you are alone. Storm, vent, cry, be angry, be sad, whatever the emotions are, feel them when you are not in the room working on the divorce itself.
Figure out what you want. She is calling all the shots. Forget about that. Forget about what she wants. Think about what's best for your children, because your w isn't able to think cognitively right now. Think about what's best for you, so you can be the father you want to be and your children deserve as you go through this horrible time, and beyond.
Remember that what you agree to know sets a precedent. If you want 50/50, get it now.
As hard as it is to believe, there will come a time when you will want to maybe have a Saturday night to yourself, even if it's just poker night with the guys. Think about what I'm saying here.
Begin as you mean to go on. Get very clear about your needs and the needs of your kids, keeping the kids first and at the center.
I hope this helps. Put on your seat belt, the ride's just beginning. You can do this. We are all here for you.
xoxoxo
Bttrfly,
Thank you for stopping by my thread. I hope you had a great trip! I will keep the dissolution of a business in mind throughout this. I won't take less split custody, that is what her and I have talked about but now she's doing something other than she said, again. I wish I could get into my lawyer sooner so I had a little insight but she's supposed to be good so I don't want to get anyone else.
Hi Kyh - just want to pop in and say I can believe your wife really didn't read any of the legal documents her lawyer sent to you. That would have taken a lot of focus and concentration, and from watching my MLCer, they just don't have the ability while in the deep fog. Her poor lawyer. I am sure he/she is awfully confused. I can't imagine having to represent a MLCer. Their thought process is all over the place and bizarre to boot.
Bttrfly has given you a lot of really good advice going into your meeting with the lawyer.
Take care of yourself.
Ugh, I'm sorry I have to apologize in advance for the rant. I have to get this toxicity out besides jumping up and down (out of kid's sight) like rumpelstilkskin.
I've been having a great weekend, really enjoying my time with the kids, we did a 5-6 mile bike ride and played all day, then late I get a text from w asking if the kids were still awake and that she couldn't charge her phoNe for awhile and didn't know if we called. I told her we were having a Nintendo night (my kids don't know video games were made after the 80s) and I'd call in a bit. She didn't answer then called back when the kids were leaving a vm. I answered it and put it on speaker for the kids and I could hear another man in the background& she sounded all happy. Disgusting! What happened to the woman I knew with such a great head and real integrity? A w I was soproud to have! She was probably driving the 5 hours to the middle of nowhere where om lives without a charger in our car she commondeered. I know that's where she went Easter weekend. I told her then if she thought i believed she was going to step in laws as she told me she was an idiot. I'm not stupid, I know what's happening but to hear it again (I'm 99% sure I caught her having phone sex the week she left, and I got yelled at for it!) makes me want to puke. I feel like I'm going crazy, but it's all there in front of me, I'd be stupid not to see it. I could almost feel my brain short circuiting. Then the kids are asking why I look sad and I had to lie and get it together. This is so upsetting. Crazy thoughts, she's not even on birth control! I want to tell her to catch the next boat to f-off land but know I need to keep it together and stay on the high road. Ugh......breathe...rant off. Sorry.
Had fun with the kids today though. The kids told me I was too old to do a flip on the trampoline but I got it on my first try, then they wanted me to do it on the ground lol. Our bike ride was nice too, got the pup good and worn out. Later I accidentally cut my finger good but made the best of it and got out the microscope for a science lesson.
I can't wait for it to get warmer and snow to melt so we can get up into the mountains to hike. I feel so at peace in nature.
Texted with a coworker for a bit today who checked up on me. I had to ride with him the week w moved out. Seems as he went through this too but his xw completely disappeared for almost 2 months leaving him with their kids. He gave me a lot of the same advice I've gotten, very similar but yet different situations.
I texted sil (the one that lived with us prior to bd) happy bday. Between that and my mil texting me happy bday last week idt w has told them anything about what is going on. I wouldn't be surprised, during one of her rants she said how upset they'd be because they love me. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't say anything until D was done with. I feel bad they might not know but don't think I should say anything.
Sorry again for the ranting post but I do feel better typing it out. Idk where I'd be if I wouldn't have found this forum. Take care everyone, hope you all have a good weekend!
Kyh
Yeah... The OM stuff is tough, as with everything either it gets better over time or I'm starting to form the opinion it's our perspective that changes and it just doesn't hurt as much.... Just last night we had a similar scenario and I wasn't happy about it (hearing a party in the background and w all sorts of giddy) but I've arrived at a place it's her choice/her life. What I've learned in my walk thus far has helped some, the MLCr is in crisis and she is not really able to have a healthy relationship with anyone, you/me/OM whoever... So they wear the happy mask because they have to sell what it is that they firmly believe is the path to happiness. I see it as a reality TV show... You really think Survivior those people are roughing it 24 7? When the cameras are off its a different ballgame, they are selling us the show.... My advice... Stop watching and go live your life... GAL
The other angle ... Call it crazy but I really see it this way. The A must run its natural course to destruction. Early on in relationships everything is all cute n good, then reality sits is and the way she smacks her gum isn't cool, the fact he is always talking about his golf starts to be irritating ... The more time they spend together the faster the process takes its toll, the A can't end if they aren't together (one of the issues with my w, limited access from the sounds .... I'm guessing OM has a couple OW from what w told me during the TnG) so accept the A has to run its course, while she is destroying herself, doing things against her core values the guilt builds... Stay clear here so that negative energy is not directed or blamed on you but directed towards the source of it which is the A. I had to fake this part, I have a MLC Emmy for best actor who didn't give a chit what she was doing ... After a bit it takes root and you focus on things you can control... Yourself, time with the kids, mirror work, that sort of thing
Hang in there she is going to chase the pipe dream and you have to stay clear
Cali, thank you again so much for the advice. It is much needed and appreciated!
Ugh.. I can't believe her again, i don't know how to deal with her insanity. I'm trying so hard to keep her from pulling me down into the mlc abyss but she keeps pulling me down.
I finally got in control of financial stuff after last week. I had been telling her I needed everything since way before she left. Well she didn't pay anything for the last 2 months and maxed out a credit card so I'm dealing with all that but il figure it out and I'm more worried about custody.
Tonight I get a text that she wants to take them on a trip this weekend. After talking to the kids tonight I asked to talk to her about it before she got a chance to hang up like normal. She told me she wasn't getting enough time with them. I told her it was the schedule she picked, but I was willing to work with her so she had time with them other than just after school and that I wanted to have them every other week and I would be willing to work with her on her trip if I could have time next week. She wouldn't agree. I told her it wasn't acceptable and I wouldn't go that long without seeing my kids. She got mad and said she wasn't agreeing to anything and she was unorganized and needed time to research custody arrangements. I told her split time was fair and what she told me she would do and I wouldn't let her take my kids from me. Then she said she had concerns, I asked what they were because I am a great dad and I deserve my kids and I wouldn't let her take them from me. She then got mad and said I never said you were a bad dad, etc etc. I said I didn't say that and then she said you just said that verbatim and was ready to defend it to the death (she's always twisting things like this on me). I told her I didn't and She insists I did, I said I wasn't going to take credit for something I didn't do and I wasn't going to argue. She wouldn't tell me her "concerns"and I told her she didn't have any when she was out running around every weekend leaving me with them. Then she got po'd said what do you think I'm out going to the bar every weekend? I said your going out to concerts, etc staying out all night......and you don't have any problems with me then. Then she kept saying how she had to look out for the kids etc. she wouldn't hear any logic insisting I was out of order. I told her we needed to talk later and ended it.
I left a vm to ask her to call because it wasn't acceptable and we needed to figure it out. Crickets. An hour or so later I sent a text and told her I changed my work schedule so I could be back Friday to pick them up from school per our agreement and I wanted to work with her but needed more than 2 days notice and that it wasn't acceptable and I would like to talk to her about doing it the following weekend. Crickets...I sent another telling her as of now I was planning on picking them up from school as we agreed. Still nothing. I know I should shut up now but wanted a record of what is going on. Now I'm not sure what to do, what if she takes them Friday? I am calling my lawyer first thing in the morning but Idt she is in.
I'm so disgusted with her, she can go. I'm done with her, the woman I knew is dead and gone and I deserve much better. However, I'm worried sick about the situation wth my kids. I know she is going to try to get primary custody and take off, deep in my gut I have a strong feeling that is what she is going to try to do and I'm gong nuts. My meeting with my lawyer can't come soon enough I feel like a nervous wreck. I really don't know what to do about this weekend, this is so insane.
Oh that is all very stressful. I am wondering if there is some clause that can be written that neither of you can legally move the children x miles from the other person's house?
Also, I hate to say this but if the kids have passports you probably want to see what can be done about that given that you are worried about flight risk.
Given that she is hinting at "concerns" it's best to be ready to prove your own concerns, factually.
Crossing my fingers that your lawyer can assist in these matters.
first of all, step back and breathe. you cannot help the kids in this state. take a few minutes to shake off your wife's crazy that she's kindly shared with you. once you are a bit more composed, write down the custody arrangement you want. do whatever you can to document what has happened to date - dates and times your wife wasn't around, put that in your back pocket.
Now, I'm going to ask you something and i want you to seriously think about this before answering.
what is best for your children? Not what w wants, not what you want. what is the absolute best scenario in this mess for the kids. you know them best. is it to be in one place with one parent? is it to split time? could you be primary? is that in their best ultimate interests.
i'm going to be blunt here: she pulled the string and you reacted like crazy. for your kids for yourself you must find a way not to react to her insanity. i urge you to make this a primary goal to the best of your ability.
i know it takes practice and time, believe me i know. just make it a priority so you can get thru this with one parent truly putting the kids first, otherwise you are putting yourself at the mercy of a person who isn't in their right mind at the moment.
does this make sense to you?
Thank you for the replies.
Ha who, I hope there is something that makes it do she can't move off. This is definitely something I need to speak with my attorney about. W and kids don't have passports so I don't need to worry about that. My concern is she will move to the town where om lives since she brought it up before.
Bttryfly, I definitely was a puppet yesterday. She got me emotional and I reacted instead of responding. I swear she can act sane to other people and makes me out to look like the crazy one. I'm sure she's getting coached.
I've been keeping record of her weekend outings for awhile now. I really think she doesn't even realize what she's done the way she acts.
I really want the kids to have their mother and I think they need us both, we were such a close family it breaks my heart it has come to this.
Definitely learn all you can from the lawyer. I was curious and read up on whether one parent can relocate the kids.
Seems that if there is a "custodial parent" he/she has the right to petition the court for relocation privelages. This may be why she is suddenly voicing her "concerns" about you. Maybe she is laying the foundation for custodial custody? Seems if one parent does not have custodial custody, it is much more difficult for one parent to petition the court to relocate the kids. Of course you don't want her having custodial custody for various other reasons anyway.
This may all vary by state but still, best to try to think several steps ahead of her.
I wasn't finished but had to post before my ipad died.
W sent me an email about how unfair our schedule she chose is. She also accused me of a lot of stuff making her out to be a victim, telling me about how she had to carry them and give birth (not to downplay that but it wasn't really an option for me), called me threatening (only instance was when I found out about OM for the first time and I told her he better up his insurance (they sell it) because I was going to pound his face). I used to literally hear things like "you're the most laid Back person I know", etc. in fact at the beginning of a this when I was in the pleading stage believing it was all me she said "I wish you would just get mad." I didn't respond to her email.
She sent a forward from her attorney about how our state won't split custody 50/50 because it is too stressful for the kids and it states the normal procedure is I would get them every other weekend and every other week in the summer. What a joke, but I looked into it and it seems like it might be somewhat right but just seems really unfair. I will take it to my attorney and hopefully she will have more positive news for me. Now I have a huge problem because I have to travel for my work. This is a bad time for my profession and I can't just switch jobs. I've been watching for something but there isn't a lot out there right now. W knows this too.
I'm going to try to talk to her as little as possible and stop reacting to her. you're right bttrfly, she's been pulling my strings through all this.
Thanks for sharing that HaWho, I looked back at her attorney's letter and it is about the non-custodial parents visitation, she is unbelievable.
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