I am 36 and the H is 32 and I believe he is in a midlife crisis. He gave me the speech in April and things settled we did MC for a few weeks. He transitioned out of the military and we moved to a new state. Moved into a nice new place that he picked. A week later he left me and the boys. 4 boys 16,11,7, and 6. He moved into a dorm at school and is now flying helicopters( according to him it has been a lifelong goal). He was brutal ...critizing even the way I hung the damn curtains. He does not love me. I mistreated him all our marriage. He deserves to be happy and his happiness is not with me.
I have been focused on me and the boys. Keeping them busy. Making sure their life stays as normal as possible. I am now working days and nights to make ends meet.
He says he does not have to support me that I have no drive...It is almost as is he wants me to be on call 24 hrs.
I go to a IC and am doing well considering. Planning on a trip in 2 weeks.
He is buying guns..4 since he left.. just last weekend he bought s16 a rifle. He spends 600 while I am struggling.
in 2009 he was in Afghanistan ...came home angry
had knee surgery in 2011
back surgery in 2012
another knee surgery in 2014(did not work)
Gets med retired because of knee this year
we move in july to a new state
august he starts new school
too many issues
I think he is in replay but it is very weird. He comes and stays at my house a few weekends to spend time with the boys but instead spends it wanting to play cards with me. He is happy and no longer wants to be married but he is here every chance he gets. He sleeps on the couch and he still is full of hate for me. It is all confusing. Any input is appreciated
Wow - so sorry you are here, but you are in the best possible place for support. A few things for you to chew on:
1) Have you filed an order for temporary support? If not, see an attorney and get the ball rolling.
2) Did he sustain any concussions when he was in the military? CTE - chronic traumatic encephalopathy, like NFL players get - can also be seen in military personnel who have sustained concussive head injuries. PTSD is also a possibility. You may not be able to do anything about it, but knowing that he has a brain injury may help you deal.
3) Do you suspect an affair? Men seldom leave before they have another woman lined up.
4) On his criticisms - ONLY TAKE THOSE THINGS YOU KNOW TO BE TRUE! This can be a great opportunity to grow and change, but the WAS also often has to demonize the LBS in order to justify their own behavior. You had four children and a military husband - it was appropriate for you to be a SAHM. Don't second guess yourself - your kids needed you. He just wants you to work now so that he won't have to pay you as much alimony. Let it roll off of you and do what you need to do for you and your kids.
5) Take the high road. Whatever is going on with him, he's not in his right mind. He may or may not ever return to normal. Start working on making a good life for you and the kids and let him go through whatever he's going through, but hold your head up high and don't let him drag you into the mud with him.
Thank you for helping me
1) No I have not because he is giving me child support just not spousal. Like I said he is angry at me
2) Not to my knowledge and he was tested for tbi before he got out. As for PTSD I believe he has it but it has not been diagnosed.
3) He had an emotional affair with a schoolmate before we left CA and reached out to his old gf but she is married and could care less about him. Here in Tx I have no clue.
4)He says I always mistreated him but I think that is him projecting his anger at his parents.
Background. Mother had him at 14..Dad was 24. He was controlling and abusive to her and she was nasty to him.
I am I must say at ease because I am no longer walking on eggshells. Do I miss him? Of course but he needs to heal and so do I. I am fortunate that my sister lives nearby . It helps with the boys and honestly it helps me not focus too much on him
It is hard because it feels like I am dealing with two teenagers instead of one
Please at least consult with an attorney and find out if you would get more money if you file for temporary support. Also the money he is giving you right now could evaporate at any moment if you don't have a legal order.
Many attorneys give free consultations..just so you know your legal rights
You don't have to pay nor do you file…just get information..it helps to know just in case
It is difficult in the start of this..so glad your sister is there and can help and also IC is great
The main things are
to take care of yourself…get rest..eat..sleep relax breath exercise whatever you can do to lighten the load and still
Be there for the boys
When they go IN MLC they change also and your H is transitioning out of military so he has some big changes
they are not the same
the crises takes over..they may spend time with us then hate us again,,
the MLC is associated with their OWN unresolved childhood..not anything we did or didn't do
It may be true that there were issues in M just as in all M but still they run from their own stuff inside them not from Us..they project it on us
There is nothing that can be done for him as it is his stuff
but you can use this time to heal and grow to parent your kids
and on the other side most LBS (like US) wind up fine
trust the process and let H do what he needs
you focus on you and kids
I will set up a meeting with an attorney and get the facts. Thank you for your kind words. His mom is counseling him on everything legal..i think it is ironic since she is the one that he hates and he runs to her first.....
hello. i am so sorry you and your family are going through this. this is a safe place for you. do your best to keep breathing through this ... that is really important right now, focusing on breathing ... especially when you have moments of feeling overwhelmed. we are all here for you. xoxoxo
More homework
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583553#Post2583553Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
ok I messed up. H was over yesterday since my s7 had a recital. My sister was making plans for next week since my nephew is flying in. She tried to include me and I snarkly said I can't because I can't afford to miss any days of work. I am independent contractor so I don't have those benefits.Ughh I still need help keeping my trap closed.
H was not happy I am taking a trip next weekend and refuses to watch the boys...fortunately I had a backup plan...still I hate that he feels he can do whatever he wants and when I try to plan something for me he becomes a whiny child.
Having two teens is no fun...my S16 and H are behaving like as%es
Yes I know
I used to feel the same
WE get stuck being parents ,,MLcer gets no responsibility and can play all they
fast forward a few years
WE are dedicated parents with older/ or grown kids who respect us
We have a nice home and good job
We have several good friends and family
We get another R if we want
Mlcer:
still playing
kids don't want to spend time with Them
Family does not respect them
some of them loose everything
my xh did
My FIL came into town yesterday and as a boundary in our separation my FIL was supposed to be away from us for a year. Guess who my H11 brought over to see the boys? ( backstory my fil triggers me for a past molestation when I was 14) So my H comes in all smug and ready to fight and what do I do? I do a 180 welcome him and lay the truth on my FIL. I did not hide or run > I faced him and told him. His presence makes me feel violated to the point of vomiting. I confronted my fear and anxiety was able to talk it out with him and at the same time not give my H the fight he was pulling me into.
Tfish- sorry for all that you and your kids are going through. You are in good hands and will receive much support here.
Post often and read all the links Cadet sent you. Take care of yourself and your kids.
I have been reading a little too much for my liking. I need to focus on me and the boys now. It is just hard to do so...he is always here on his time off and always pouting.
Don't give him any reaction to his poutiness. Go about your business and act "as if." Treat him like you would a roommate.
Create the best possible home environment for you and the kids. Here is where you begin to work on detaching.
It's hard in the beginning, but you can do it.
Also, you may want to add a signature to your profile? It helps others to see your ages, your kids' ages, BD date, etc.
If you decide you want to add one, click the "my stuff" button to the right of "forum list" and then click on "edit profile." At the bottom you will see the square where you can add your signature.
Question: is there something wrong with the FIL, or does he just happen to accidentally resemble your abuser?
it is hard to explain....I was molested at 14...he got my MIL pregnant at 13 and he was 24. I have this rage against him because at 13 -14 it is rape and so in my eyes he will always be that...
sorry for your pain
it is very difficult dealing with the MLcer especially when he is always there
continue to just take care of yourself..detach
as time passes you will heal and feel better
Hi tfish, so sorry you find yourself here but welcome to the board, you are among friends who care and want to help you through this.
my h was military, came out a few years ago. He recently said that he has felt the loss of leaving; he had structure and stability, he had camaraderie and life long bonds, a family. Coming away from that and having to adjust to a "Normal" life is not an easy task. This is not an excuse for anything your h is doing, but just wanted to add a perspective that you may not have thought of.
Its so hard when h is confusing you so much, one minute up, the next down, you will get sick of hearing the word detach, but its what you really have to do to get through what he is likely to throw at you.
Try not to take anything he does or says personally, it really is not about you, right now he is angry, frustrated and confused inside, he will most likely throw some really horrible negative stuff your way and if you believe it all then you will sink yourself, don't let him do this to you, believe in your own self worth.
You mentioned you feel you have read a bit to much lately - knowledge is power, it will help you understand what you h is going through and what to expect. I also suggest reading as many threads as you can on here, post on them to draw others to your thread, that way you will get different viewpoints and support. There may be some that you feel are similar to you, it is a comfort to know that you are not going through this alone. The vets here are great, listen to them - they have got me through many a dark time and helped me work through various situations that I have come across.
Keep going, your doing great -
I'm sorry that your FIL reminds you so much of your pain.
Still - how has he lived his life since? Did he marry MIL? Does MIL feel it was rape? Has he continued to behave badly or has he led a good life except for that?
Just be careful not to let your experience bleed over onto your FIL - HE is not responsible for YOUR experience.
And realistically, you probably do not have the power to keep H from having FIL around the kids.
And I agree with what Lou said about the difficulty guys can have leaving the military. One of my good friends was in the Air Force for over 20 years as a pilot. He retired and went into the civilian workforce, ended up with a job flying for a major airline (same type of jets). You would think this would have been a fairly smooth transition, but even he told me he missed the structure of the military - he didn't like having to make choices!
I am associating him with my issue. He said something skeevy and it triggered me. I am going to an IC to treat it which is why It hurt me that my husband brought him over to my house.. we had set a boundary of a year away from him so I can treat and get over the association. Luckily I am doing better and I was able to not give him the scene he wanted.
-I know he feels lost without the Marines
-I know he has troubles with things he saw in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
-This was his 10 yr reunion with his old unit
-I know he is reeling from all the suicides in his old unit
-He was medically separated after 10 yrs of service
which is why I can understand why he broke. It does not make it any less painful though. I am doing ok. I no longer feel the need to constantly text or keep in contact.
If you can see all the reasons why he broke, then try (it's hard) to adopt a Mother Theresa attitude about him. Stick to the high road, take care of business as needed so that you and your kids are ok, but try to cultivate a kind attitude towards him.
I struggle with this to this day, even though my ex and I split 7 years ago. he had multiple concussions which didn't change who he was, but definitely brought the bad parts more to the fore. Mostly now I feel sorry for him, but when he's being particularly selfish or evil towards our adult kids, I can really get irate about him. That happened this last week and it just so happened I was reading a book about vibrations, and it made me acutely aware how much damage it was doing to ME, letting my vibrations get upset by his pettiness. So I'm working again on cultivating a more Buddhist perspective and not letting him get to me, and even trying to cultivate some compassion for this lost guy.
I am. I am trying really hard.. I am being as nice as I can be given the circumstances. He asked about Thanksgiving and is coming over with pies. I try to be as patient and understanding as I can be ...but man o man does he make it tough!
I know it is a lot of change for him to and it has spiraled him.
I am now in the habit of waking up and saying thank you for at least one thing...it gives me a positive note to start my day
Thank you for your input. It helps
tfish
Its really hard to be understanding and empathetic when whats broken is not physically in front of you, its all internal, hidden away, so its difficult to comprehend whats happening to your h, I really do understand how challenging this is for you.
There is a fine line between being understanding and allowing him to walk all over you. Make sure you stand firm when its important to you, although learn to pick your battles as sometimes its really not worth the fight; we tend to push back because we are hurting and completely confused about the situation we have found ourselves in. Taking the higher ground will serve you well - look at it as laying groundwork for your future interactions.
My h has mentioned how my demeanor with him throughout this time enabled him to come to me when he realised he needed/wanted help. Detach from his crazy or he will drag you along for the ride, a one way ticket to insanity for yourself !!
so...yesterday was S now 17(ahh) bday. H asked to come by and that he would bring dinner and I would get the cake. He came over everything is going good boys are happy. He stayed over on the couch with S7 and it is just awkward for me...sometimes it is like I am his bff and then like I have cuties...woosah o need to work on my patience and breathing...
side note my fil left yesterday...considering his son's situation you would think he would try and spend the holidays with him...but nope
today is our anniversary and it hurts
I'm sorry you are hurting today. I hope you can do something fun for yourself. Sending you hugs (((tfish))).
tfish, I suspect there are likely some support groups available for spouses of returning vets. Have you looked into them?
I know for me, it was a hard transition from the Corps to the normal life. I've been out a lot of years, and it's still tough some days. I doubt it was easy for you to transition either.
On the other hand, it's no excuse for the treatment you're getting. You'll need to first make yourself ok, and as was mentioned, sort the accusations from things you want to fix about yourself. Everything else is immaterial. It's important that you take that step. It'll give you balance and stability.
Look for that support group maybe through the VA? And work on you. It's the starting point that matters in this marathon.
AJ
I will look into it. I go to my own IC and I am a part of quite a few online support groups. It seems like my husband has a sort of ptsd and with so many changes he broke. It makes me sad. He can go days without calling the boys. and then days were he is at my house for days.
It is just all weird." He says my mom mistreated me, the Corps mistreated me. and you did too. I just want to be happy and that is not with you"
Yesterday he called but I could not face it. I did not answer . He called today...sent it to vm. I texted an hour later and he said it was to "see how ya'll are doing"
I just texted back...the kiddos are great.
I have so much empathy for him. I know and can see how broken he is....but he has to fix himself
Tfish
It definitely takes a lot of patience and hard work
He is confused and you are right , only he can fix it and it takes a lot of time
Im so glad your kids seem ok and are adjusting
a lot of how our kids adjust has to do with us
I believe the more positive we can be, while still being authentic the better the outcome for them
they need a strong role model especially now
hang in and continue to take care of yourself..it will get better soon for you
I have been very fortunate that my sister is near and she has been a rock when I feel like I am falling apart. That being said it happens less now. My kiddos are doing ok. They know daddy is at school and needs to focus on it.
I am more irked at the inlaws..they are enabling him now even though they broke him to begin with...ughhh but that is just said here. He is here almost every weekend . Is that cake eating or being his doormat? I just don't want to break him more
I have so much empathy for him. I know and can see how broken he is....but he has to fix himself
Remember that as you go along. It's very much ok to have empathy and to care about him. It's not ok to enable bad behavior toward you if it occurs. That's different than getting what you want to be sure, but it is something to watch for. It's also not ok for you to not have boundaries. To protect yourself. Don't make any boundaries out of anger, but rather consider what you need to do for you. Consider that as you walk along this path.
The entitlement that he "deserves" happiness is an indicator of the mindset. Nothing more. And his parents may or may not have broken him or be enabling him. They are imperfect like the rest of us. Regardless of what his past is, he makes his choices.
Glad he at least cares about the kids. Many don't. And that's even worse, trust me.
Hang in there.
AJ
T
I don't know if its cake eating or not
I think you are both in transition
we don't know the outcome
as hard as it is right now, you are establishing a new R
I felt for me it was good during our separation, that we became friends
my XH visited a lot the first few years
The kids saw us get along,,it was hard on everyone
at the same time, we have to focus on taking care of yourself
therapy and time to heal
as for his parents, I understand your anger
but they are dysfunctional and probably don't have a clue whats going on
forgiveness comes in time
take good care..
I am greatful he is around for the boys as much ..as he mentally capable of. I know me blaming the parents is useless but it gives me a twinge of relief. I also know I have not been easy this past year or two. After walking on eggshells for over 3 to 4 years. I became resentful. I am working to be less reactive and more calm...I am a work in progress and have much to do nut I am doing it for mr. I want my boys to see that you can learn from the hard times and overcome.
That said.... I am resisting this urge to text him. I miss him right now..
tfish, you have a lot to deal with. I think you are on the right path by not reacting and being patient. It is hard, considering what you are going through. I can see a strong woman though... You can do it for you and your kids, and also for your H.
Stay strong! I'm sending you some positive vibes.
Thats good..we have to resist urges that won't serve us or the situation
we are all a work in progress
this MLC path just opened the door for some of us to speed it up
The kids do see what we are doing as the main parent who is raising them
we are the one who has their back and at the same time I always still say positive things about their absent dec if his name should come up
I say he was a good man..hard worker he loves them very much
he is just not well at this time
there may come a time later that he can be there for them
I have faith and I also have moved on
I don't need him anymore
I am happy with my life and it keeps getting better
after him disappearing this past week. he randomnly showed up today. He failed one of classes. I listened. I validated. I was supportive. We went to my S11 concert and on his way out I was teasing him about asking my sister to drive his car when he gets his new one...I said what am I chopped liver? Nope you are always working>>>> BAM there it is from the man who a month ago told me I was not a hard worker..had no ambition and it was not his responsibility to support me. I should be working more...
So him coming over is cake eating? Am I supposed to set boundaries on when he can come? I am lost. Please help
I want to just give up... I can't keepngetting my heart torn by his indifferencre
Hello tfish08,
Your frustration is totally understandable.
Detaching and setting boundaries is hard when H keeps checking in. He could be eating cake while he is still checking in to see if you are still an option. However, there are strategies to help you through this. We can also help with parenting issues.
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Hi
I don't think there is any one right way to do this
I had my xh visit a lot at the beginning after he moved out
I didn't stop that
I wanted to show him I valued him and I could change
so I became very supportive
It didn't bring him back but It did create a very comfortable home setting for the transition
It created a friend and wife who wanted to be there for him
it created change in me
It was very painful
I had supportive friends
I went to alanon meetings--it helped me through it
this program is about us..so we can change and go within
sometimes a spouse will choose to come home
sometimes it takes time because they are in crises --a real crises that has little to do with us
But if we use their crisis for our growth good will come to us
doors will open
new friends and support appears
we change and become better more compassionate
I can't begin to hare all the good that has come from this
MY XH never got better..he is absent and still in crises as far as I know-I don't wish that on him but it was not in my control
please don't give up
trust that it will get better,,you will heal your kids need to see a strong mother right now
fake it till you make it
Spew monster selfish teen is back ..How dare I be a little tiffed that he has been off all week and not offered to help get the kids from school? He then called my sister and says he has no responsibility towards me and I nedd to stop waiting for him to take care of me....WHAT??? I really want to email him back and spew myself...but No Woosahhh!!! He cannot take my peace away
Can I even address it? He has been telling everyone that I am leeching off him. I work and I am paying for this dumb huge house he moved me into. I wanted a smaller home. I really hate him right now. He moved me to a new state then moved me into the house he chose and left a week later. I had to get my job and pay rent within the first week here....plus take care of 4 boys 24/7...one with sensory processing disorder...but I am a leech???I don't ask for money other than child support...I hate him..I hate him
not even 10 min later after calling me a leech..he asks me if he can bring dinner....seriously?
Very typical behavior, i.e., one minute angry monster mode and the next being kind. You don't hate your h, but you do hate the behavior and it's understandable because he's acting out totally. Try to detach a bit more and not react to his behavior. I know it's difficult when they are under foot, but you have to find a way of looking at him as a teenager growing through his "growing pains". The less you respond/react to his behavior the better.
I'm very sorry you are having to deal w/this and I do hope that he'll settle down very soon.
The more you practice letting go and trying to accept what is the easier it will be
its easy to be angry at a spouse who is now acting like a child
it is out of your hands
accept the anger and then try to let it go and find some peace
try to take some time for yourself
take care of yourself
remind yourself that you will be ok you can do this
I know how hard it is to parent alone..
Im glad you have an available sister
hang in
so am I supposed to go to dinner?
I am over my anger. I had to have my tantrum moment here...I know he is broken and needs to heal. I hope the time he spends back with his family help to heal some of his many wounds.
You are the only one that can decide if you want him to bring you dinner. If you want him to do so, then say yes. However, if you do not wish to have him do things for you, then advise him that you prefer he don't do it. If he does bring you dinner, thank him for doing so. They crave attention, i.e., negative or positive.
You don't have to go to dinner--its up to you
but if its makes things easier for you for him to bring food for the kids
then I say yes
you can always excuse yourself
run an errand while he is there
ask if it would be ok to leave and take time for you so even if you don't feel like his presence maybe the kids can be with him and you can disappear for a while
I am still reeling from the it is not my job to provide for you comment...it hits me in my pride..foolish I know...but I am proud that when he tossed us away I was able to dust myself off and get a job.. work around the kids schedule and be able to get them and not disrupt much of their already stressed little hearts... I put them to bed everynight with thumb wars and tickle wars...then log in and work some more. Oh well off to see sisters hopefully it can cheer me up then IC afterwards..def needed
Yes I hope you enjoy time with sister
You are doing well and I love to hear how things seem to unfold for the LBS
like your job and how you can work around the kids
hang in,,,good is coming
Thank you. I really think I can do it on my own if I move to a smaller place in august. I plan on buying a house if I can keep steady. My H is a bit hysterical...he cannot remember anything ..we asked him 4 x to make sure he had the boys home early..he swears he doesn't remember... I had a chat with him about him telling my sister..he was annoyed that the kids only talk with him for 30 seconds and they put me on...I told him he can always text me and I can have them call him without me being involved...he said it was a misunderstanding...then he left at the same time I was leaving...he called me while I was at walmart and asked if I wanted him to fill my gas tank????????UMMMMM???? I just can't read that man he is all over the place...These 2 weeks will let me detach...I need the space OMG and some mental sanity
Hi Tfish - memory problems in general are typical throughout MLC/the fog. They don't really remember a lot of what they say; not that this makes it easy to forget what you have heard. In fact, sometimes they say the most outlandish things and don't recall them even minutes later.
As for the rest of your H's kind offers, Job would tell you that your H does nice things for you because he probably did not receive enough praise as a child. Say thank you and accept help where you want it. But don't fall into the trap of thinking that there is greater meaning behind all of this. In fact, sometimes they do things because they have pangs of guilt.
Your H is all emotion now, just like a teenager or child, depending on how far back he goes.
It is crazy to watch it unfold before your very own eyes. It is shocking. Keep the lens on you and your kids.
Take care of you and your kids.
Depression causes memory problems. Also, the wires in their heads are just a jumbled mess right now because they are operating on pure emotions, i.e., not thinking like a rational human being.
If he wants to do something nice, let him (unless you feel uncomfortable w/him doing things for you). As HaWho stated, accept the help, thank him for it, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that things are changing for him. They crave attention, good or bad. As children, most of them didn't receive recognition/praise. So, "mom" when your man/child does something nice...say thanks or I appreciate your help.
As you detach, you will begin to see just how emotional he will get and yes, a lot of what they say and do will appear irrational to you, but it doesn't to them. That's why it's important to not believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do.
Try to keep the focus on you and your family.
I am sad that my H is at my inlaws instead of being with his boys for Christmas...but that is his choice and maybe one day he can reflect on it. I am NC with him. He wants to talk to the boys . He sends me a text and I have them call him back. I am taking them to my sisters tonight and will be making cookies and snowman pizzas. I am so proud of my boys..They are doing so well. We play bingo and uno daily
Yesterday my S7 had his flu shot and did not cry...1st time..we celebrated with ice cream...grateful for these little moments
I am buying a treadmill and plan to take my stress out on it lol...looking fwd to getting healthy
Hi Tfish - that is great that you will be working off stress on your treadmill! Physical activity helps so much.
As sad as it is that your H is making these choices, they are HIS choices. It is good that you are distancing yourself from all that as best you can.
All the things you are doing with your kids are wonderful! Continue to keep yourselves busy and make the home cheerful for you and the kids. Play music, games, bake, etc.
Be that pillar for you and your kids. Enjoy the holidays with your children.
yes
Enjoy the holiday with the boys and your sister
we all got pajamas from the elves and made santa some cookies
we put out reindeer food on the lawn so Santa could find us. Santa came and brought my boys some goodies. Now we are slumber partying it up in a tent ...in my room lol and tomorrow my biggies arrive and we can open up the rest of the presents...all in all a successful Christmas...And no Stress!!!
I'm so glad that Christmas turned out to be a fun time for you and everyone w/no added stress. Enjoy the rest of the holiday w/the "biggies" arriving today.
Hang in there doll, you are a great mom and are doing so well. Your boys will look back at this time and remember the tent, the thumb wars and all the other little Mom touches that kept things grounded for them while Dad went off the rails. Thinking of you and sending love and light xoxoxo
went to get my biggies at the airport came home and opened our gifts...my boys bought me earrings. My little ones bought me rings from their santa shop at school. I am in heaven. woke up to a FB post of me and my oldest and it said I love my mom.... melts my heart. H is truly missing out...His loss
Now, that's what Christmas is all about...being w/your children. It doesn't matter how big or small, expensive or not so expensive the gift is...it's what comes from the heart. I say you have had a very nice Christmas w/your children. Enjoy every minute of it. Time waits for no one.
venting:
I just do not get how he can go without calling his boys. My S6 was crying last night because he misses him...and wants a tree house. I told him we will build it together when it gets warmer...lol it will be a costcoesque house since I am no bob the builder.
I am a bit cranky. I have a nasty cold and sound like a smoker but here I am adulting taking calls...I feel like the Nyquil commercial...sorry boys I need to take today off...
Its hard to function well when we are sick
so try to take it easy
tomorrow will be better
Im sorry for your sons pain..I know it is hard on them but they are very resilient and will bounce back quicker than us
all they need is our love and support
one time I asked my son if he is ok after xh left for good
he told me all he needed was me
I think he meant it..
still he never talks or rarely asks about his dad and seems ok
he is 14 now and dad left when he was 5
I worked for a bit today and sent my troop to my sister's house. I have been just exhausted and sick. I needed a me day with no MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!! MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM! for a few hours. So Grateful that I had this option .
struggling today...I want to text him ...that I miss my bff.....ughhhhhhhh
Hi Tfish- I know you have been under the weather. I hope you are feeling better. If you are, channel that energy elsewhere. Maybe walk/run on your treadmill if you now have it or step out for a walk.
I cannot emphasize enough how important physical activity is throughout all this. It occupies and tires your mind and body.
Get busy!
work became extremely busy... so no text
It is just hard to comprehend how he cannot miss me when we were together for almost 10yrs
Tfish - I know it hurts. I'm sorry. The early days really sting.
He is not himself anymore. Let him twist in the wind as there really is nothing you can do to fix this for him.
Are you continuing to read all those links Cadet sent to you? Knowledge is power.
You are doing great! Keep taking care of you and your kids.
I thought I was detaching awesomely and one text...one text...asking me how I am doing sends me spinning...
Breathe! It's okay. It takes a long time to detach and not react to the things that they say and do. Don't beat yourself up over this one incident. You've get there!
Hi tfish - give yourself a break, its ok to feel this way, in fact its normal to find yourself spinning at any contact. Allow yourself the courtesy of feeling what you do and know that it will pass.
It does get easier, hang on in there, your doing great!
I hate seeing him I hate that he didn't get me a Christmas present like he said he would. There is no emotions in his eyes....ok vent....wooosahh now to have a good pma and be aloof
T
Some days are harder than others..I know how hard it is in the beginning
None of it is your fault..it is his journey
your forgiveness love and strength will help him
Hang in- it all passes, and you will be stronger and more at peace than ever b4
sooooo... He just dropped the he is consulting an attorney and ready to file bomb.... sadly I feel some relief to not be in limbo but Ouch!
Keep your expectations at zero at all times when it comes to your h. He will say that he's going to do something and then turn around and not do it. You can't rely on him right now.
As for him consulting an attorney and read to file...I'm sorry to hear this...but until you actually get something in hand, I would sit quietly and wait. There are times when the MLCer will say that they are filing and then they don't or they drag their heels. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have any discussions about it w/him at this time. He could very well be baiting you to see what you will say or how you will react.
Try to keep the focus on you and your family for now.
might be good for you to consult attorney to know your rights just in case
Im not sure if you have done this already
It helped me to know what would happen financially if my xH filed
eventually he did and I was not left in the cold because I was prepared
a good attorney may be worth it if there are many assets
he was trying to bait me. I validated when I needed to. I apologized when I needed to and then I told him that I needed to think some more and would talk to him later. I also did not defend myself
He is asking for birth certificates and social security numbers . He is serious
My heart is broken
Makes copies of the birth certificates. If he's seeing a lawyer, then you need to be thinking of seeking out legal counsel yourself. Shop around. Some offer free consultations and you want someone who isn't going to talk you into doing the heavy work at this time. You want someone who is going to listen and offer good advice on what you need to do to protect yourself.
I will be going to one asap. I just can't believe it is going to happen
Hang in there... Like others have said. I can only offer my sympathies and share a bit about my MLCr especially during this time of year, she seen the new year as a leaping board towards happiness and filed twice, once in 2014 and again in 2015.... Like job said don't get to wrapped up in anything they do till you have papers in hand, what they think they want now often changes or is forgotten later, listen to the advice and get your ducks in a row as you have to prepare for the worst should it happen to come. In my case the fantasy of D was polar opposite from the reality and that helped stall things till she started peeking through the fog a bit.
Understand it's a crisis, one he must go through and he is seeking for the pain to stop, this has nothing to do with you... However it does effect you tremendously so you have to detach and set him loose to discover the things he must on his own ... All this takes what feels like forever
He tells me I tried to isolate him from everyone. Never happened. He is truly rewriting history
They do rewrite history. Eventually some people will realize that what he's telling them isn't the truth. If they should tell him that is not what happened, he'll distance himself from them.
Try not to allow what he says to get to you. You know the truth and that is what mattes right now. No matter what you say to him, he will continue to believe what he's saying.
He is following the MLC script fairly well.
Keep the focus on you and your family. I know it's difficult to do this, but you've got to take care of yourself and your family right now.
I am just pissed ...my S17 is now considering staying local for 2 yrs at a local community college so he can stay and help me. I told him to decide for him and I am a tough cookie and no matter what I got this!!
tfish
Ok .. one secret to the smoothie .. atleast when I had the eureka moment. You realize its not about you, you get to a place where it doesnt hurt and its no longer personal and you almost look at them as a science project, atleast thats where I was ... I will never forget it .. Nov 11, 2014 she wanted me to come over to talk a bit after S's church veteran event (he wanted me there) and I came in ... she was full on depressed, puffy eyed, all that ... and she looked at me telling me "I've made a mess of my life"... I wanted to say "damn right you have, hell yeah, amen ... anything, but something held me back and I sat there and just sipped on that mango flavored STFU smoothie, she opened up and kept talking and I told myself as long as she is talking and its not emotionally impacitng me ...hurting me... then I was going to just hear her out, I did ... to the point she would stop and it would get awkwardly quiet, I just looked at her blankly ... then she would start back up again.
Sometimes they just need to be heard, I figured OM was steering her a certain way, giving her a safe place to express her inner most feelings with me, her husband was a good move, so I continued this. Even now she considers me to be a very good listener, this is a 180 from Cali 1.0
Just know, this path you are on, its a LONG road, not one thing will make or reak it, I made tons of mistakes, I also did tons very well ... but I am still here, still waiting for the fog to completely lift ... truth is one must become stronger and better because if you just wait this out and do not become better, you will not be strong enough to endure the latter parts of the crisis .... its like training for a marathon, small steps at first and build up your endurance, ... find you .. the real you.
I need a stfu smoothie ASAP. I asked if we can be friends because I miss him...man I am pathetic lol. I just spriralled but I did stop before I made it worse. These are very rough waters. I need to be still and be calm. Be my own sanctuary
Cut and paste Google maps directions to the SS office and county records department. ........
You're not going to stand in his way but don't you dare lift a finger to help him file.
I agree w/twinmom. Unless you are court ordered to provide those documents, he can very easily get that information form the SS Office and the county records department. Now, he may have to pay a fee at the county records department for copies of the birth certificates, but hey...he's got money for a divorce, he's got money to pay for birth certificates.
Again, I do advise that you make copies of the birth certificates just in case something happens and leave the originals and the copies w/someone you trust. You can't always trust the MLCers for being upstanding citizens.
I think this is his mom's bright idea. I agree I am not just going to roll over. He told me his attny said he should keep my S 17 car in the divorce..even though it was a gift to my S from his aunt..it sounds like spiteful bs by my MIL
Hi Tfish, I'm sorry to hear about this turn of events. My H decided to file and our Decree Nisi (UK) will be issued this week as far as I know. After that, he can make the D final after 6 weeks or so. However, we haven't yet reached a financial settlement, so that may delay a little.
Like you, I was pretty devastated. But it has also helped me in a way, because settling our finances is in my favour and it has taken the D process to do that. I'm also glad that he made that decision and not me.
But, I get how much it hurts - truly I do. Try and focus on your own steadiness, and know that now isn't a good time to be reaching out to him. Let him be, and as others have said - if he wants the D, let him do any work for it. I helped out my H by providing draft grounds for him to file against me on unreasonable behaviour grounds. That was partly because I wanted to save myself some more hurt (he was going to file on these grounds anyway) and partly I felt some urge to help him as he was so keen to get out of the M. I'm not sure if that was the right choice - but it is done now...
Just know that him filing for D is not the end of the road. It is just another bend in it. Only time will tell how things will ultimately turn out.
Take care xx
My D became a business deal
XH was overspending and going into debt
For me, it was for the best
I didn't want to ruin my credit
I have kids to raise
we had a business,,he was ruining it
It really hard because we all still really care-- but this is the time to get tough
and really think about what is best for you and the kids
My H would have ruined us financially
A good Lawyer is worth a lot
they will let you know what will legally happen and they are out for our best interests
I got my L through a friend --he was recommended as a good one
he gave me an hour free consultation
\In one hour I know what I would get if D went through
I felt empowered so H could not walk on me,,I knew my rights
He came over an picked up the boys...S6 had a huge meltdown..glad he saw did not phase him and then he insisted I go to dinner with them. I feel like I am in the twilight zone
venting>>>
so I am sitting here thinking of when things went wrong..there were many signs I missed. My H instead of buying a sportscar or anything extravagant...decided to be a pilot...not just a pilot but a commercial pilot. well he had started ad and that hindered him as well as his physical limitations and of course that was my fault...commercial was out..so next up helicopter...moves us out to texas for school...leaves us a week later.
I try to be pissed off but honestly I can't..he just seems so lost.
I joined a meetup here and will be going tonight...wish me luck I feel awkward.
Sat. I plan on taking the older boys hiking and taking nature pictures.
time to move fwd
The crisis began for your h 18-24 months prior to him dropping the bomb on you. Being a pilot is probably a dream of his from long ago. As for his physical limitations...not your fault one bit. That's his issue to deal w/and accept.
Yes, your h is very lost and that's why you have to let him go so that he can find himself and figure out things.
I'm glad you joined a meet up group. You might be pleasantly surprised at how pleasant and kind the people are. I do understand why you feel awkward, but remember, each and every person there had to come thru the door a first time too.
Your plans for Saturday sound great. Do take plenty of photos and enjoy yourself w/your boys.
Continue focusing on you and moving forward.
As you go through this, you may even find yourself able to go even further back and realizing there were signs, that whole saying about hindsight is 20/20. It is of no consequence when our MLCrs started their journey, just as it's entirely up to them on when/if they complete it, all of this is and forever will be out of our control.
I think the fact that this is just such a bizarre thing, this crisis, we seem to feel comforted going back and saying "ok this was definitely MLC" when we had no clue about it.... I know for me a fixer I've spent a good deal of time rehashing the years prior to BD and the major events for clues as to what brought the train off the tracks, honestly I've come to the conclusion it was many things, the time bomb was always ticking and wasn't much I could have done to stop it so I've let that part of this go, realeasing myself from that enabled me to focus more on the now of all this.
It's not your fault, it's his crisis and he will have to get through it on his own.
I just remember he kept pushing me to let s5 and s7 walk to school alone so I could work...ummm hell no..That and his need to tell me I have no ambition and do not have a good work ethic
Try to remember that he is going to say stuff off the wall. Truth be told, he and his siblings had to walk to school alone. As for the comment about no ambition do not have a good work ethic...it sounds like something he's heard his parents either say to one or the other or to him when he was a young man starting out.
I would take those types of comments and chalk them up to MLC and then shake my head over them.
For now I live to die another day. He texted me after ignoring my text yesterday...he asked if he can get the boys. I let him know that S17 was given antibiotics for strep so he is out. He asked me about my taco night Thursday...I told he missed out they were delicious. I asked him if he wanted watch a movie it is his kind of movie...so sunday but I get to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppp. It has been awhile. No fighting kiddos at 6 am....YES!!! I feel bad for my son who is sick...we will just postpone until next week.
No paperwork was brought up. I left before he did...a first for me..He came back 15 min later because he bought me a game for the xbox one
Did I mention I get to sleep in?
I just remember he kept pushing me to let s5 and s7 walk to school alone so I could work...ummm hell no..That and his need to tell me I have no ambition and do not have a good work ethic
Among MANY crazy things my H did & said he called me a bad mom, said he needed to leave to get the kids away from me and said I got pregnant with #5 (our 3rd together, I have 2 kids from my first marriage) to try and trap him. .....
He has since told me none of that was true but it made himself feel better and the affair and leaving me while I was pregnant. ... he had to justify his actions to himself.
That's why the vets say "believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do"
Just keep telling yourself that whenever he spews nonsense.
twinmom has given you sage advice that we remind posters about..."believe nothing they say and only 50% of what they do". If you start believing everything that spews forth from between their lips, you'll got nuts. Take what they have to say w/a grain of salt and if it doesn't apply, ignore it. I know it's difficult to do so, but sometimes they speak w/o a thought and think also think out loud. They are always looking for a justification for the way they feel. Let it roll right off your back.
BTW, it's time for you to start a new thread.
I said to husband long time ago when he was picky on me at the beginning of his crisis;
I said - why you yell at me when you feel angry/frustrated at your work friend, your brother, your parents? He paused for seconds and was with more rage... The MCLer are avoider aren't they ? Their true feelings were always be buried since his childhood ?