XH contacts kids:any thoughts - DivorceBusting.com

Hi
My Xh went into MLC almost 9 years ago
6 years ago he married OW and moved with NO contact-his choice

THis weekend he or his wife tried to contact them over social media
Both my kids are stable in school and on right path
His wife (I've heard) is mentally unstable -possibly drugs
XH may also be on prescriptions or booze--not sure
I feel in my gut it is her contacting them,,or they did it on a weekend binge with little thought
Social media does not seem appropriate for a unavailable parent to reach out for the first time in many years to children they do not know
On the other hand, I am kind of shocked because for many years,,they have stayed hidden with little contact even to his sisters and family

any thought s appreciated

I would venture to say that it was your former h that reached out to the children. He could have had a moment of clarity. If the wife reached out, it could be that your former h is having some health issues and thought the children should be advised.

My question would be...did the individual state why they were contacting the children?

Whatever the reason, if it's important, the individual will attempt to contact again.

Job,

The person said something like

Hi Sweetie

love and miss you lots

not a day goes by that I don't think of you
I would love to talk to you sometime
can't believe you are grown up
you have to add me to friends list
so we can talk
I miss you "her name" and miss your brother "name"

sounds kind of mushy..like a woman wrote it
this is after NO contact for a full 6 years

Thanks any thought appreciated

I agree...it does sound like a woman wrote it. However, I can share this w/you. My xh, as the years have come and gone, can change his writing skills from writing like a kid to a professor.

A father does start out writing "Hi Sweetie" unless he's posting to a female. Makes me wonder where their heads are at. LOL!

If I were the kids, I would ignore it and see if they get another message later on from the land of Mars.

Thank you Job

I spoke with his sister
Last time she saw him , his family wanted no contact with him until he left wife
so they have not seen him in a while
sister said OW controls him and she would not want MY D to get hurt

MY D decided to write him back and told him she would be open to talk or Skype
this way she can see him ,but she would not want to write each other

so I have low expectations that he will Skype her, but I told her I am here for her
if it doesn't work out
I still strongly suspect OW is behind this
just not sure why

Quote:

I still strongly suspect OW is behind this

Does this matter?

I mean - most likely it is just your ex coming to brief moment of sanity and wanting to contact his kids. But let's imagine for a moment that it IS OW trying to facilitate contact between your ex and your kids - wouldn't that be a GOOD thing? It might mean she's not a completely irredeemable human being.

Still - judging from the experience of others here, most likely it's just your H poking his head up out of the tunnel. Maybe things are rocky with him and OW and this is the first glimpse of him waking up. Or maybe he just had a brief moment of sanity and remembered his kids.

I wouldn't stand in the way of them having contact, I would just monitor it for appropriateness. (For instance, if he's gonna Skype, make sure to cut it off if he starts introducing OW or bashing you inappropriately.) Just help them keep their expectations low.

Kml

You made me laugh! Maybe ow is not completely irredeemable ;;ha ha

I saw her picture for first time- she created one account for the 2 of them..
She looks creepy-

but still You are right..I hope my D could have a respectable relationship with her dad-
But
for some reason..I will just be surprised if he really comes through for her-
Have to let it go ..Gods got d back
Thanks

It doesn't seem out of the ordinary that he "would" contact his kids at some point. Kind of an odd message, but then what's normal in all of this, right?

I agree with them both - wait for additional contact and monitor if it does occur. Since your D did respond, I guess the latter seems most appropriate.

What kid wouldn't want to hear from their parent?? Me being me, I know that's how it works, but as a parent I'd want to protect them and monitor to be sure they are not going to get hurt. I'd also want to be careful to give some leeway - MLCrs are odd ducks and usually awkward in their dealings. It would be unlikely that it would be a smooth conversation in the beginning.

Good luck!

AJ

Someone did accept friend request.

MY D set up a private account just for this
she is quite smart

But again I think the person who responded was OW and unfortunately Im not sure XH is even in this. No one confirmed they would Skype or call

so D and I discussed it, and if XH does not try to contact her within a week or so she will say her goodbyes to OW , Thank Her, and close the account

I saw the account..Not a typical account..DARK

I do not think we are dealing with a "good" hearted woman who wants to see her H reach out to his only D..I think she is off mentally

But My D is old enough to know the full truth about her Dad and all his choices

If she didn't risk fully, she may always regret not trying to reach out to them.
Thank you all for all your responses

I feel a little sad as well..for her

I guess there was a part of me hoping one day that XH could step up to the plate as a father..even just the type of father , his child could call at Christmas once a year

But it is no longer my fight..

My children are no where near perfect, seem smart happy and strong making all good choices-so Im truly blessed and grateful for all I have

It will also be important for me to ask my D to handle situation with love and integrity�knowing nothing happens by mistake and she is willing to close this door with XH if it seems unhealthy for her-

Hi Peacetoday, I think if there is some contact between your D and her dad, that's for the best. As long as the contact is healthy and positive, I would encourage it.

As for OW part in the contact. Again, I think as long as it is healthy and positive that's okay. Perhaps she is trying to help open the door to more contact - IDK. But best to take a neutral perspective on her motivations unless something else becomes apparent.

I know a guy who stopped being in touch with his Dad, due to his Dad's problems with alcohol use. It's a burden to carry for sure, and if the non-contact can be broken - even if the R doesn't become close again - it's better than your D carrying that burden I think.

I do hope that this proves to be a positive step for her xx

How old are your kids? I had a father that was an MLC'er as well. He basically threw us down in pursuit of his true love many years ago...... Needless to say, it didn't quite work out for him the way he wanted it to..... Fast forward to today and he has tried to build some sort of relationship with me, but I am not interested in such. He calls me now and again, I do not call him. When he calls, he does all the talking, I listen for awhile, then make an excuse to get off the phone. I'm not saying your kids do that, but for me, its all I can give to him.

Thank You Sotto ,AJM, Job and KML

Someone has been messaging my D
She asked the person to Skype her but so far my XH or OW has not been able to comply although they said they would

So my D wants to give it a few days, but Im disappointed for her and I feel
XH will may not be able to come through for her

Not sure why all this had to happen to drag this Stuff back up, but
hopefully we will all let go again and forgive and move on

I was so hoping that my xh would reach some kind of phase to reconnect with the kids
Is it possible that MLCer will never enter that phase??
Its been almost 9 years since this began

Thanks again
Peace

I'm sorry that things haven't progressed, but if it is your h, it could take him a while to work up the nerve to contact her again.

Is it possible that the MLCer will never enter the phase of reconnecting? Yes, it is possible. He could be stuck and if that is the case, then it is best to leave things the way they are for now. Some do not recover from MLC and your h may be one of them...but time will tell. Nine years isn't that long for some of those stubborn ones that have a lot of issues and continue to run from them via addictions, op, etc.

Leave things be and if he opts to have another moment of clarity, he will then reach out to her (if he was the one that actually was doing the reaching).

Again...time will tell. Sit quietly and the answers will come when you least expect them.

Thank You Job and Braveheart

My D and I are in process of letting go of XH again..
Some anger pops up, sadness grief and then acceptance again
whatever is best..as you said Job�maybe it is best to leave it/him alone
our lives are good..I can't save my XH and I can't make him be a good father

MLC is so odd and unusual..these behaviors that are normal for the MLcer
would be called insane for the regular guy
who in their right mind would not want to talk to their only blood D???

so we keep going and we keep hopefully moving in the direction of growth for ourselves and acceptance love and forgiveness of the MLCer and OW

Thank you again
peace

If he's drinking or using, it's possible that he doesn't want to Skype because he doesn't want his daughter to see what bad shape he's in???

kml

Yes it is possible he was a recovering alcoholic for 20 years
but I believe he has been using for most of the time with OW
Ive heard she is crazy..never met her

I really sense it is OW who did it
not sure if it was to hurt us again or show the pictures of them
maybe to make sense of their life together
she is 14 years younger than xh

It has definitely kicked up old wounds in both me and D , and I can't really make any sense of it

Do you think I should encourage D to block the account so they can't reach her again..I think she wanted to give it time and keep door open?

Why not just leave things be for a bit. The truth will come out shortly and if one of them doesn't contact your daughter, then it was just a spur of the moment thing.

I think you need to allow your daughter to make her own decision as to whether she wants to block him/her or not.

Again, give it time...nothing may come of it and for now, let it go...

Thank You Job

I will try to let it go..

My D got another message tonight

This is the just of it:

Im sorry I did not caller Skype you
I am really nervous about this
I don't want to hurt you anymore
I failed you and sibling as a father
I wish I had the courage to be the father I needed to be
and sometimes I think it would be better to not be in your life at all
I feel really guilty and I think about it everyday
I know how much I hurt you and brother
I hope one day we can restore our relationship
but I have some things I have to work through
it is not you it is me and all the things Ive done and been through
I will call you i just need more time
I hope you can understand

Thanks
Peace

Sounds like the words of an alcohic/addict. It's a terrible thing to wake up and face all the havoc your addiction has caused in your life and the lives of loved ones. I think it's a big factor that keeps people in their addictions.....the cleanup is so hard to face.

That sounds like a brave and genuine message from her Dad to me. And I'm glad for her if that's the case - though it may have been hard to read. I would encourage her to respond in a positive way if she feels able, and to keep that channel open for him. Some of what he said reminded me of Lou R's H. He knows what he would like to do - but there is a lot of stuff that needs working through first.

Take care xx

Thank You Kml and Sotto..

My D did reply
she told him that she understands and IF/when he is ready to talk ,he can text his number
she told him to just take care of himself until then

So even if she never speaks with him, at least we/she got a heart felt apology
and validation that it wasn't her fault

Thats something I never thought any of us would get

Thanks for listening
Peace

I agree.

Quote:

That sounds like a brave and genuine message from her Dad to me

It also sounds like somebody who is scared to approach those he hurt.

Addict or not, it took a lot to even do that much.

Hopefully it's not the last she's heard from him.

AJ

I have to say that it does sound like he's scared or hesitant to have much contact w/his daughter for fear of her rejecting him. The message does sound genuine and I'm very proud of the way that your daughter worded her reply.

In time, when he sees that she is not going to reject him or chastise him for his behavior, he may very well become braver and begin texting w/her. I hope and pray that he will stay in touch w/her.

Hi Peace,

I don't have much time to post, but wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your kids. We are in very similar situations. My exH was a former member of N.A. The OW is an addict on disability for psych issues.

We are nearing the 4-year-mark. His M.O. is to go M.I.A. He still sends our youngest daughter erratic text messages, but she ignores them because--though they seem sincere--they are never backed up with any action or effort to see her. He comes out of the fog occasionally with regret, but doesn't take action.

It's so painful to watch. Last time I saw him, at our final divorce hearing in August, he looked like death. Our oldest daughter asked him if he had cancer. So sad. Thinking of you. I know how hard it is when they return briefly to the land of the living.

Much Love,

Heather

Thank you Lois, Job and AJM

I am just grateful that he sent an apology
Im trying to keep my expectations low b/c this could be the last of it

Im still kind of shocked he even came this far

Its been a full 6 years of No contact�nothing�not one word

Wow Peacetoday ,
So happy for your D on getting an apology. So important the validation to her that it wasn't her fault. We all know it's not anyone's fault but the MLC'r.

I hope her dad continues this path and eventually you receive a heartfelt apology as well.

You are a strong woman to even let this happen and open old wounds. Your D sounds very grounded and if her father was there during the last few years she might not of turned out so level headed as she is today.

She's more mature and can deal with her dad a lot better now'.

Againg congrats on the appology to your daughter
:-)

Thank you Irish

Your are right
I didn't realize it until today but it did rip open the wounds again

I have almost felt like it was another lifetime ago ,when I got the bomb
how hard it was
and how much I wanted to keep my M
and today I felt right there again as if It just happened
filled with unresolved grief that I thought I let go of 6 years ago

obviously, there is still some leftover pain,that I probably stuffed a long time ago

I also feel bad for him

and I still want resolution
I want control of this story and how it should end

I have to finish the grief work so I can really let go-its out of my hands

Thanks

Looked at their FB page

OW wife and xh have together
still its mostly her
No further contact from xh to D

they have 1 friend only my D
OW posts a pic of her D
18 yrs old smoking , ripped jeans with a few tattoos

I think about how my D must feel
It hurt me to even see it
I think NO contact is better
I feel bad that my XH who was very straight laced to see him pulled into this type of life

My xh makes me feel worse about him that he has no guts
or integrity
but allows OW to boast about her obviously confused D for my D to see
or continues to wear blinders to the hurt they continuously cause
Thanks

Peace, I think you'll find that this is helpful to your daughter. Her seeing for herself and making up her mind is something she'll have to do at some point in her life. Doing it now, with your support and guidance is likely the best of all outcomes. If it happened much later, it could be much more devastating.

As for the OW. You know by now that any comparisons to what he was before and what he is now isn't realistic. And he'll make his own decisions. But I wouldn't be surprised if more changes are in his future. Just sayin'

I come by that honestly. Somebody asked me today about a pic of my ex. I don't have any other than old family pictures, but she did post on my son's FB page a few days ago. I didn't look at the time, but did when I was asked. It's not the person I knew, peace. Looks much older than she is with very sad eyes but otherwise healthy. They sometimes are not the same. Nonetheless, I found myself wishing her the best. Not my idea of the best, but the best her life can bring her.

I remember what it was like going through the turmoil and a lot of me wishing her to leave and find that "happiness" she was looking for. I honestly hope she finds it and can share it with the kids. Who knows? She may have already. The point is that I am not to judge her current self or life. I don't know her or what is going on behind the eyes. I only know what I see every few years.

But I never wish any harm or bad things for her. Took a long time to get there and not be overly protective of the kids around her. A very long time.

Peace,
AJ

AJ

I appreciate your words

I deleted my end of the account so can't see it anymore,,My D still can on her computer

MY D hasn't said anything about it,
I agree..at least this initial contact for her can be guided by me..you are right..and she is smart,I believe she will be ok

AS for XH and OW , this did kick up a lot for me
6 years no contact
Its been almost 9 years since it all began
I guess I am still processing, maybe old unfinished grief too
I want to wish the best for them..At this moment, I am still a little angry for his continuous lack of empathy and integrity
I don't know they are..I sense this is a game the oW is manipulating
They have no friends..why post a picture?

I can only continue to work on myself and be the best parent and person I can

I've learned over time to trust my instincts, Peace. I have little doubt you're likely right that it is at least a gambit aimed at your D. Whether from her or from him? Hard to figure that out, and not necessarily pertinent, right? Your D is the important part.

And yeah, I can see it has kicked up some unfinished business for you. That's not necessarily a bad thing though. The good thing about dealing with it now, is that it gets dealt with much more quickly and with finality.

The anger? Can you trace back what exactly the anger is about? I mean, I know the lack of integrity and lack of empathy, but by now I suppose you can expect that of him. He may not have the ability for any more depth than that.

Is the anger about more than him contacting your D? More than the lack of empathy and lack of integrity? I think it may help to know for sure. I'd hate to think his problems would affect you for the rest of your life. That would be the worst possible outcome in my book.

AJ

Aj

Just for today- I feel more ready to forgive xh and OW again and let it go again

I hope XH finds his way to a happy life

he has a right to live anyway and with anyone he chooses

Thanks again for your kind words
and have a good night

Hi Peace. As you deal with this, something to think about.

As you look at this, are you at a point where you can separate what he did to you, vs what he did for himself? Are you able to see the difference between hurting you and leaving? What it was you wanted and thought you had vs. what he did?

I doubt seriously he started the relationship with you thinking he would turn out like this. I'm sure there's some self-loathing and anger at himself. Enough for both of you. I'm sure that if you don't deal with those emotions and figure out the above, you'll be stuck for a lot longer than you need to be. The damage will be bigger than you deserve.

AJ

AJ

Yes it makes sense..He left because he had too..Our M was not great but

his MLC was bigger than anything I have seen before

he changed too drastically and too fast to have anything to do with me

Yes and I have not really thought about how he must feel.. I guess it doesn't matter too much to me anymore

I have accepted the fact that he may never appear again and if he is so messed up it might be better this way

Thanks..enjoy your weekend!

Hi Peace

It's hard when they reach out.. My W has been missing in action now for 95 days with our D's. No contact at all

Last email to me was a sept 29 about money

Like AJ said, your D will decide for herself what kind of relationship she wants with her dad

You have shown her strength and security, that's something that He and OW have failed at big time.

Trust your gut I do mine. Trust your D as well :-)
My D's chose not to reach out to their Mom since that person is no longer existant for now. If she comes back and puts Her D's first and not just want to connect to make herself feel better, I'll help

If it's to clear their conscience ... Too bad for them.

Old wounds are just that. Old. You've delt with it already so put them back where they belong , on a deserted island , in a box or where ever and continue to move forward for you and your D

Irish

Irish

Exactly, love the way you said it!

Hope you are doing well also

Peace, I periodically come here and was surprised to see your story.

I feel for the kids. Unlike in your situation, my X is not gone. He has improved as a father but still acts put upon to spend some extra time with her (at her request). I have worried that she might get involved with someone who treats her distantly and with some disdain, which is how I felt X treated me.

I have observed other in X's family and note that his brother has a way of remaining distant when people could really use a hand and then popping back into people's lives when he needs or wants something. As my D is his only connection to the younger generation and he has seen her only once, I feel that as she gets older I need to help her understand that you are not under duty to help someone as they get older and start to think about who might take care of them. I might caution similarly with X. At least he has a connection with her but I have already seen him leading on her unreasonably.

HI Forward
Good to see you here again,
Thank you for your thoughts
Its been a long time!

You sound well and Im happy that everything seemed to fall in place for you

AS for us, we also landed well on our feet
I was surprised that D heard from XH, but IM glad she got an apology and if that is the best he can do..its ok

I like what you said, and I have wondered what the future holds
hopefully my kids will find the closure they need, and your D will see your example as a strong capable women now in a successful R
and mine will also

but in all truth both my kids seem to be doing quite well without him
I do have a lot of faith and trust they will continue to thrive in their lives
Peace

so XH or OW wife contact D again via message FB

still feel it is OW doing it
Just not sure why
I think if XH was doing it he would be more aggressive with initiating a real phone conversation

they asked how her halloween was?

she didn't respond
she already told him to send his number when he is ready to talk
she does not intend to have an email R with them
any thoughts?

Your daughter has a good handle on this situation. When she gets tired of it, she'll either delete the messages or block them.

No, I don't think your h would be more aggressive with initiating a real phone conversation. If he is reaching out, it could take months before he actually works up the nerve and phone her and actually act like a mature adult. If he's reaching out, he's stepping lightly to see how things are and if she's willing to allow him into her life after all of this time.

Again, I think your daughter has this. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless she comes and talks to you about it. I would then listen and offer advice if she were to ask for it.

Job

Ok Thanks--I guess I get impatient
this whole process has taken so much time and every time I let go, he/they
send a message again and bait me/us again-

But you are right..D can handle it and she doesn't seem too attached to the outcome
at first, I think she thought she would connect with him and now she sees how confused they are..with their mixed messages and half way attempts on connecting
One thing I have to remember also is I am NOT in control of the outcome here
and I need to expect nothing..nothing
that is my issue..I want resolution/closure

You may never get resolution/closure from him or what he did. Continue moving forward and hopefully, one day, he'll get himself together. But, if he doesn't, you will have moved on and created a new and happy life for yourself and your daughter.

Job

Thank you
hopefully, yes someday maybe he will get his life together
someday maybe he will reconnect with kids
but no matter what, I will keep going

I guess what bothers me is I still feel OW is writing the messages but allowing My D to think it is her dad..I just sense it

I also still feel some resentment toward her..I guess I thought I forgave her/ them
but Im not sure I would ever want to be in the same room as her
I still see her as a creep and I still sense she enjoys the fact that she WON- and she managed to keep XH for 7plus years already-
that is a long time
they must have something together,,however dark

It could be that he is waking up to the fact that he has kids and wants to reconnect. But, ow wants to keep it under her control, so she doesn�t lose her grip on him. This doesn�t fit with the feeling of �WON� from my point of view. Maybe there is a trouble in paradise� At least I would like to think so.

It is great that your D can handle this just fine. And I completely get it about resolution/closure... I think that forgiveness is an ongoing process.

I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving with your kids and your x and ow don�t bother you.

Thank Bright

D forgot to even respond to them when I asked her what she did

so she just wished them a Happy Thanks giving
then she addressed

"DAD"
I am not comfortable texting back and forth anymore
when you are ready please leave me your number and we can talk

thats it she is done..her choice
she seems over it and on to other stuff

so the ball is in his court
If he decides he is ready to talk he will try
or maybe it will take another few years for him to get there

We are ok with his process and if he is struggling so much
we prefer to stay out of it
his road is very separate from ours at this point
like ships passing in the night

This is so bittersweet. I applaud your daughter for her grace. I have to say that at hard as this has been it sounds like you have had some closure and some possibility of future contact for your children.

My heart breaks for all you have endured. There are far too many families that have been destroyed by MLC.

Sending you my best.

Thank You Gwen

no more contact and we have let it all go

Hope you are having a good day!