Hello everyone. I thought today would be a perfect time for a new thread. My last one can be found here:
XW wants lunch with me and...........OMFive years ago today on 10/10/10, I got the bomb. While watering our rose bushes in the front yard, out of the blue, my MLCer informed me that she wanted out. It's been a rough five years, but things are getting better. Finally.
First, an update on XW:
I saw her the other night at S22's concert. Wow!!! She looks miserable. It was the first time I had seen her in months. S20 and I were standing outside of the venue waiting for the show to start. I glanced to my left and there she was. Staring at me. I have no idea how long she had been standing there, but the look in her eyes said it all. She is not happy. She walked over to us. She started talking to S20, but continued to watch me fiddle with my cell phone. Finally, I said nothing and went inside.
S29 talks to her more than any of my boys. He told me the other day that she will make a comment from time to time about how I "can't even talk" to her. Haha. It's not that I can't. I just won't. Why would she want to talk anyways? She already thinks I'm terrible and has told her friends and family how terrible I am. S29 also told me that XW and OM have a few disagreements over their dog. Apparently, OM thinks she is too hard on it and yells at it all the time. Sounds like he is starting to get a taste of real XW.
I've mentioned before how she seems to be a "career student." She has been attending college off and on since the early 90's. She's gone from wanting to be: Author/Physical Therapist/Park Ranger/Teacher/Scientist/Business Owner.....it goes on and on. Well, she finally finished school (for now) and got her first job as a teacher. School started in mid August and she got a job teaching Science at a middle school. She quit 2 weeks ago. Unreal. I guess more schooling is in her future.
Now, an update on me:
I'm doing ok. Much better in the last month or so. I'm still not getting out, but I'm working on it.
I still miss my ratties and think about the little babies everyday. I miss them a lot, but it is getting better. S22 has a little female rat that I give treats to from time to time, but I have been trying to be very careful to not get attached.
I've been thinking/wondering lately why God would put me through all of the crap I've been through in the last five years. There has to be a reason. The best one I can come up with is to make me a better/stronger/more compassionate person maybe. I think I might be getting there. I do know that I've changed in areas that I never thought I would. I've mentioned here how I've changed towards animals, but I've also changed in another good way: I appreciate EVERYTHING. I get the greatest joy out of a gentle rain, singing birds, sunsets, fresh cut grass......It's so odd for me. But....I like it. Someone told me a few weeks back that they admire the way I am towards animals. They admire my love and respect for them. Haha. I didn't think it was that obvious, but that's ok.
My "friend" at work continues to be awesome. We still have great talks and have been talking even more. She has started to open up to me a little more about her last relationship. Her best friend told me that we are a perfect match. That would be nice, but for now, I'm okay with just the friendship. She did think of me when she went to Hawaii with her parents because she brought a souvenir back for me.
I've decided to take an Alaskan cruise next summer. I want to go watch the whales. I deserve it. I've really done nothing for me since this mess started 5 years ago. It's time. I thought about going on a singles cruise, but why?
Anyways, that's all for now. Yes, it is the five year anniversary of XW telling me she was joining the MLC circus, but it hasn't been too bad.
Thanks for reading.
Tad
Hey Tad. Of course she isn't happy...she thought ending the marriage was going to "fix" what was wrong. But, really, who cares? Not your problem anymore, right?
I see a gentle spirit about you, T. One that wasn't so obvious 5 years ago.
What you learned from all of this? That you are stronger than you thought, that you love deeply, that you are there for those that matter in your life.
If you allow yourself to truly let go..and I mean truly..there is peace.
This was a journey I was meant to go on. I know that deep into my soul. And though it continues to be hard in some ways, it has also changed me profoundly.
I am so proud of you for going on a cruise. You will love it. Alaska is no my bucket list. Good on you.
I am thinking you will love it so much, that maybe a singles cruise will be the next one.
As for your friend, continue to enjoy the friendship. You never know what the future holds, but, in the meantime..live in the moment.
It may seem like you are making tiny steps, but, they are big ones.
Be open to the possibilities in life because we only get this one.
Keep going, T...
I hank tad your hard on your self, and are too close to the process.
Often we cannot see our own changes becuee they are part of us. It happens so gradual that we become and it feels like things have always been that way.
I find when we look back we can see it ,ore clearly or via others we can see it better.
Oh being busy and having a life doesn't always have to mean a huge social life. It can be just having interests. I find the farm and horse stuff keeps me pretty busy, I don't often have time to gal.
Thanks for stopping by.
Oh being busy and having a life doesn't always have to mean a huge social life. It can be just having interests. I find the farm and horse stuff keeps me pretty busy, I don't often have time to gal.
Thanks Ggrass. I've been thinking for a while now that I need interests/hobbies. I've decided on one. I'm going to save up some money and buy the equipment that I need for photography. Maybe take some trips to Northern Arizona and photograph some wildlife.
Ur, Thank you so much for the very nice post.
I see a gentle spirit about you, T. One that wasn't so obvious 5 years ago.
Thank you.
You'll never know how much of a help that you and so many others on this board have been through this trip. Haha. TRIP. That's really what this is. Again, thanks. Your words mean a lot. They made me smile.
As for your friend, continue to enjoy the friendship. You never know what the future holds, but, in the meantime..live in the moment.
Unbelievable.
She tells me all the time to "live in the moment."
Thank you.
I'll be back to post an update soon.
I've really got to stop with the smiley faces.
Tad
""I've been thinking/wondering lately why God would put me through all of the crap I've been through in the last five years. There has to be a reason. The best one I can come up with is to make me a better/stronger/more compassionate person maybe.""
Or maybe it was to spare you the anger, pain and confusion of her journey ??? Maybe it wasn' t done to you but to her ?? You are a GOOD MAN. You know that.. God know that and so does everyone on here. It is changing us into even better people. WHY? Because we want to. We could have easely chosen destructive paths but we didn' t. We could have become alcoholics, drug attict, ( feel this space with self medication crap ) and feel sorry for ourselves and using this challenge as our justification. But we did not.. We are using this to grow and learn.. THIS IS WHY I LOVE THIS SITE.. It helps us understand not MLC but ourselves. It keeps us on the right track. it is a safe place to vent and to cry and to help one another.
I'm reminded when I read that this, that sometimes it's the strongest that take the longest.
Nice to hear the updates, Tad. Glad you went to the concert and hope it continues like this.
AJ
Hi Tad
You sound good
I think mLC really seems to change us
Your XW can see it..she sees something in you that she does not have in herself
she is probably baffled,,she left to find it and you got it
funny how that works
but it doesn't come easy, and there is no "fun" way to get from where she is to where you are
peace
Glad to hear you're doing better. I hope you're still getting C. That will help you heal faster.
Hi there. Just checking in to respond.....
You are a GOOD MAN. You know that.. God know that and so does everyone on here. It is changing us into even better people. WHY? Because we want to. We could have easely chosen destructive paths but we didn' t. We could have become alcoholics, drug attict, ( feel this space with self medication crap ) and feel sorry for ourselves and using this challenge as our justification. But we did not.. We are using this to grow and learn..
Thank you. I
know I'm a better person because of this. I also know than I am a better person than XW will ever be. She even used to TELL me that I was a much better person than her. I never thought so, but I do now. The thing that really makes me happy though is the fact that someday my boys can look back and say that I was always there for them. It wasn't always easy and it sure as Hell wasn't fun, but I was THERE. Also, even though my boys were pretty much grown at the time (24,20,18,16) she has missed so much. It's also good to know that THEY KNOW they can come to me if needed. XW has simply not been a part of their lives.
sometimes it's the strongest that take the longest.
I love this AJ. Thank you.
You sound good
I think mLC really seems to change us
Your XW can see it..she sees something in you that she does not have in herself
she is probably baffled,,she left to find it and you got it
Thanks. I wouldn't say that I was good, but I'm definitely better. As for XW seeing my changes, I'm not so sure. She avoids me and everything about me like the plague.
Glad to hear you're doing better. I hope you're still getting C.
Haven't done any lately MrBond. I've been working a lot. I've been keeping busy with overtime and working 50-60 hours a week.
UPDATE:
I think I read once before that people in MLC tend to see things how they were. I believe this. XW has been sending our sons texts lately calling them her "munchkins" and "little babies." They are grown men. My youngest will be 21 in December. She sent them all a text the other night telling them all how much she misses them. Again, her deal. She simply fell off the planet and hasn't been in their lives for 5 years.
As for me....
I've been working a lot and really like my job. I'm learning an awful lot and will most likely be promoted again after the first of the year. People here seem to like me. A guy at work told me the other day that everybody just seems to "gravitate" towards me. Haha. I'm electric!!!
My birthday was last Sunday. My lady "friend" brought me a coffee cup with The Beatles on it. We are both Beatles fans. She filled the cup with chocolates that she knew I liked and gave me a very nice card with a note inside thanking me for making work so much fun and for the great talks. Now....if she'd just let me take her to lunch...
I'm still not getting out. My weekend is coming up and I plan to go to the Phoenix Zoo. I haven't been there in years. I just need to MAKE myself go.
Anyways, that's all for now. It's been a long, winding, bumpy road but I'm slowly getting to the finish line.
Thanks for stopping by.
Tad
Tad, you sound as if you are not "stuck," which is so important!
I too think I came out of the whole experience finding myself a better and stronger person. My X is not a stranger to me but I don't regard him as a friend, either. In many ways I am less naive.
Tad, good to hear how you are doing. Glad you are moving on... Baby steps are BIG steps in many ways. You are electric
Thanks Forward and Gwen.
I'm still struggling to get out....haven't been able to.
At all.
I have a lot to write (mostly about changes in me) but no time right now. Have to pick up S20 from work. I'll check in again soon.
Tad
***** P.S. *****
I have a really serious question:
I recently saw a recent close up photo of my EX. (I'll post more about this when I come back later.) I have to say....it was very, VERY, VERY......CREEPY. I mean, she's not there. REALLY. She IS NOT there. Her eyes.....I'm not kidding. Someone else is in there. So cold...so empty......so.....
BLACK.
It almost........
....gave me the chills.
It creeps me out just thinking about it.
I know that we all say that "they become someone else" but....literally?
She's not there....
Wow.
My EX really is dead.
....
Tad -
recently my ex showed up to help move one of my sons into his new apartment. When he drove up I ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS A STRANGER. It wasn't until I got right up to the car and he spoke to me that I realized it was him. This is a man I was with for 26 years!
Tad- my MLCer has lived at home throughout. I know JUST what you are talking about. There have been a few flashes of his old eyes, but otherwise he has shark eyes.
What is crazy, is that I went back and looked at old photos and those shark eyes started about 20 months before BD.
Thanks KML and HaWho.
Yes, the eyes are VERY different. I'll write more about it below.
Just an update:
I'm ok. Every weekend though, I struggle to get out of the house. That's my biggest issue right now. I've gone from being a fairly major local celebrity to a hermit. I went from one extreme to another. Been fighting with myself for weeks now about going to the zoo. I've been wanting to go for a while now that the weather is nice but just can't do it. I do nothing. Need a social life.
I continue to have a great relationship with my "friend" at work. She says she likes talking to me because she knows I won't judge her or look down on her. She tells me all the time that she "knows she can talk to me." She's amazing but right now, we are just friends. She's always on my FB page. To be honest, she has been burned too and I think she is just a little gun-shy. She's actually the best/coolest friend I have at the moment.
Me - I'm becoming a different person. This has changed me so much. Not that I was a bad person before....I'm just a better person now. I should actually thank XW. I like who I've become and am becoming. I have an enormous amount of compassion for animals and find the greatest joy in the smallest of things. I appreciate everything. Sometimes, even though this hurt like Hell, I think that maybe I was supposed to go through this. It's made me better/stronger.
XW - She has now offered to pay for S29's wedding and it is now going to be held at her house. (GREAT!) I'm not going to worry about it right now though. It is still a year away. But....I can't help but wonder if she is doing this just to get to me.
S29 was over to watch football last weekend. While he was over, he was talking about how much XW has aged. He showed me a picture of her. Wow. I've thought for a while now that she looked different in the eyes and when I looked at the picture, I really noticed it. Unbelievable. They say that your eyes are the window to the soul. If that's true, she has an empty soul. She used to have the prettiest brown eyes. Now, they are empty...black and cold. Does anyone know why this happens to some of them? I mean, it gave me chills. It was like something out of a horror movie. It was like looking at somebody's face that I knew and loved, but the eyes are not hers. Freaky.
Speaking of XW, since she left, she's always made sure to give our sons a birthday card and/or take them to lunch on their birthdays. One of our sons celebrated a birthday at the end of October and another celebrated the first week of November. This year....nothing. Nothing. Matter of fact, she's been fairly quiet lately. I sometimes wonder if she is in the depression or withdrawal stage. It's been 5 years since this mess began so I guess it is possible.
Anyways, that's the latest. Not much going on with me except for my weekly struggles to get out. It [censored]...but....I'm going to keep trying.
Tad
Interesting Tad. I am very glad somebody else articulated that same thing. I sometimes wondered if it was just me that saw that.
My ex's eyes literally changed color from blue to green, at least when we were still talking/together. In photos with my kids she looks so much different. The other day, I drove past her while she was running (she lives a few blocks away, but we rarely see each other) and it wasn't until my son called and asked me what I was doing with the house that I realized it was her I passed.
I used to wonder if it is her that changed or my perception of her that causes her to look differently to me. Any more I wonder why I think about it
Getting out. That's an interesting thing, Tad. I wonder if it is just that you are not who you used to be. You used to be who you needed to be to succeed. Now you seem to be looking for that balance.
And yeah, it is the dark that helps us see the light isn't it? I wouldn't change a thing in my life. Not a step and not a decision. I'm grateful for it just like it is.
Peace,
AJ
Ive noticed that also in my xh eyes as well as ow
be4 he left and recently in pictures
He is not there either
they are a bit creepy..both of them and dark
I also would not change anything
Looking back I think XH leaving was the best for all of us
What you've described w/the eyes is called "shark eyes". This is one of the characteristics of MLC/depression. I point out quite often that the eyes are the window to the soul and that's true. When the shark eyes are present, their soul is very dark at that time, hence, the depression. Eventually, the eyes will regain the sparkle...but it takes a lot of time for that to happen.
Weird I have not seen H in 18 months. Right before he left I took a few pictures of him with our kids and it scared me- the eyes were so dark and empty. H always had beautiful blue eyes. I mean it was very spooky and I was fearful that he was not well. It is helpful to hear similar experiences from others.
Tad glad to hear you are doing well.
Thanks AJ, Peace, Job and Gwen.
There isn't anything new with me. I just wanted to post a response about the "shark eyes."
Yes, it is very creepy to me. I have read many times on this board about changes in the eyes. I have thought for a while now that X's eyes looked a little different, but when I actually got a chance to look at a close up picture, I REALLY noticed it. As I said, it was creepy and kind of gave me chills. It was almost like looking at someone else inside her body. The shell is there, but someone else is living inside.....
Tad
Me - I'm becoming a different person. This has changed me so much. Not that I was a bad person before....I'm just a better person now. I should actually thank XW. I like who I've become and am becoming. I have an enormous amount of compassion for animals and find the greatest joy in the smallest of things. I appreciate everything. Sometimes, even though this hurt like Hell, I think that maybe I was supposed to go through this. It's made me better/stronger.
This? This stuff? This is REALLY good Tad. I mean it, you sound SO much better than you used to. Good job. It's not easy but the only way through, is through.
The rest? Meh.
Let her go, Tad. Let her go. Stop letting her take up precious space in your head.
There's an old Polish proverb: Nie mój cyrk, nie moje malpy.
Thanks Drew. I appreciate it.
Just updating:
I'm doing ok. I still struggle with getting out of the house. It really is a STRUGGLE. I fight with myself every weekend. The only social life I have is at work. But...I am going to see the new Star Wars movie on Tuesday. All four of my boys are going with me. It'll be a nice treat to do something as an "almost" family.
Speaking of my job, I'm getting a promotion and new hours on January 30th. They really seem to like me here. It's going really well. With the promotion, I'll now actually be doing the troubleshooting when a station goes down. I work for a major satellite tv company and it will be my job to diagnose outages and get the station back on the air. You know when you see "we are having technical difficulties" on your tv screens? That's me. Haha. It's a heck of a promotion. I'll be responsible for over 8,100 stations. Lots of stress, but fun.
S29 is no longer on speaking terms with XW. Sad really, but this is her mess. Apparently, around Thanksgiving, S29's fiancée made it known that she was uncomfortable around OM. XW went nuts and is now no longer talking to S29 or his fiancée. It is sad because S29 was the one that atleast had a little to do with her. Now, she has virtually no relationship with any of my sons. She used to be such a wonderful mother.
My lady friend at work is amazing. I only see her once a week with my schedule, but on that day when we are done working, we will usually walk and talk for about an hour before heading home. She has really started to open up to me about a few things which tells me that she is starting to trust me. She is having a hard time today. She sent a message telling me that her grandmother died this morning.
She was very close to her grandmother like I was. I feel bad for her and....kind of honored that she messaged me and let me know.
I've made up my mind on the trip I want to take next year. I want to go on a whale watching cruise. I just need to decide if I want to go to Hawaii or Alaska.
Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!
Tad
Hi Tadpole - About the struggle to get out of the house, as you know, the hardest part is just to motivate to do it. However, if you can set a schedule of walking 1 hour/day you will feel so much better. Then, you will start to have more energy. Try to do this no matter what (walk indoors if it's too hot) and after several days you will start to feel better.
Physical exertion will clear your head and make you sleep better, too. Take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Kudos on the promotion!
Hi Tad!
Congratulations on the upcoming promotion. I'm so happy to read that your management likes you and recognizes you for your work.
As for your lady friend...continue to be a friend that listens. She's got some trust issues, but it appears that she's starting to feel comfortable in sharing w/you. I'm very sorry about her grandmother. It's going to take a toll on her, especially w/the holidays right around the corner.
I'm sorry about your son not speaking to the XW, but I'm not surprised. Your XW is starting to face the consequences of her actions...however, Tad, stay on your side of the street and allow her to clean up her own mess in her own time, if ever.
I think it's wonderful that you and your sons are getting together to go see Star Wars. That should be fun for all of you.
You've got a difficult decision to make, i.e., Hawaii or Alaska. Both are beautiful and there is so much to see. Mother Nature has out done herself in both areas.
Tad, HaWho has posted a very nice posting to you and hopefully you think about what she posted.
Happy Holidays to you and your family!
Thank you Job and HaWho. I appreciate it.
I am starting to walk more. It's not much but it is something.
XW and S29 are still not talking. None of our sons saw her on Christmas.
There is something that I want to share...
This may be a lengthy post and I apologize.
I’ve discovered/realized something about myself in the last few weeks.
I’ll explain:
When I was about 10 or 11 years old, I was in my library at my elementary school. I stumbled across a book by Jacques Cousteau. I thought the book looked interesting so I checked it out. I became extremely fascinated by him and the work that he did. If you are not familiar with him, do a quick search on the internet. Basically, he was an explorer, conservationist, filmmaker, innovator, scientist, photographer, author and researcher who studied the sea and all forms of life in water. He pioneered marine conservation. Anyways, I would read this book and look at all of the pictures in it. It was a book with pictures of the ocean and the life in it with descriptions of the creatures in the pictures. I would look at the pictures in the book for hours. Eventually, I ended up doing a book report on the book. Later, I found as many books by him as I could. The whole ocean/sea life thing really fascinated me. I read many of his books.
Funny thing is: I had forgotten about all of the above until just recently.
A year or two later, the dog that I grew up with died. It was my first experience with death and I remember crying for a few days. I also remember my stepdad telling me that it was “just a dog” and telling me that I was a “p*ssy for crying over an animal.” (Yeah, I know. He was an ass.) I think it was around this time that I kind of forgot about Jacques Cousteau….or maybe just pushed him way back in my mind because I didn’t want to be a “p*ssy” for crying over animals or getting attached to them. I never thought about Mr. Cousteau or his work ever again. I don’t think I did it intentionally…it just happened.
A few weeks ago, I was on the internet looking at pictures of whales, penguins, dolphins, seals, seahorses, sea turtles…I was just looking. Then, I saw the credits on one of the pictures. It said: Jacques Cousteau. There he was. That’s when I remembered: “Hey I really used to be into this stuff.” I also remembered being in that library as a young boy and stumbling across that very first book. I couldn’t believe how I had just “forgotten” him and who I used to be. Like I said, I think I just pushed him far back into my mind because “who cries over animals” or “they’re just animals” or “don’t be a p*ssy.” I COMPLETELY forgot about him. I think I actually changed who I was because I didn’t want to be considered “weak” by my stepdad. (He was in the military for 25 years.)
A few days ago, someone asked about my FB page and wanted to know why there were all the pictures of animals on there. I really didn’t have an answer except for the fact that I like animals. Then, I went on my FB page and went back as far as I could. It was weird. You can actually see me becoming a different person. My posts went from:
Everyday stuff
to…
Everyday stuff with a few posts of my rats thrown in
to…
Posts about my rats with some everyday stuff thrown in
to….
Posts mostly about my rats
to….
Only posts about my rats
to…
Posts about my rats with some other animal stuff thrown in
to…
Animal stuff with some everyday stuff thrown in
to….
Mostly posts about animals and sea life
to…
Mostly posts about sea life.
If you look at my FB page, it is painfully obvious that I have become a different person. My XW’s crisis also changed me. It changed me A LOT. I guess the point that I am trying to make is….I think I am slowly becoming that young boy again…..someone that I lost or had forgotten about. A boy that was truly fascinated by the oceans, sea life and photos of sea life. I think about it all the time. I have a desire or maybe even a need to get back to the ocean and sea the Orcas and seals. (I grew up in Monterey and could see the ocean from my house.) I’d see sea lions sometimes eating clams while floating on a bunch of seaweed. I could feed sea gulls at my school at lunch. The smell of the ocean was always in the air. I guess what I’m trying to say is….somehow I got lost. I GOT LOST. I’m becoming the person that I was or was even maybe MEANT to be.
Has anyone else ever experienced something like this or am I going through a midlife crisis myself? I have no desire to go get a fancy sports car or drop everything and find a new life or chase a bunch of women. I’m just slowly becoming the person that I used to be. Not sure if it is good or bad, but wanted to post here and get your thoughts…
Tad
Tad,
I visited your FB page and I have to say that the photos are beautiful and you definitely have a love of the sea, but not only that...all animals.
You are starting to rediscover the person that you once were. In many instances, when we grow up, go to college, work a job, marry and have children, bits and pieces of us are put aside and sometimes forgotten. When a crisis happens, it truly forces us to take another look at ourselves, both in the here and now, as well as the past. It also gives us an opportunity to figure who we want to be and possibly a path is revealed to us along the way.
In my opinion, no you aren't having your own MLC. You are just rediscovering the man you once were and that man loved nature and all animals...but the sea is very calming and you felt a kinship w/Jacques Cousteau. I, too, remember his documentaries and his books. Very fascinating! It's something to think about rediscovering once again, i.e., reading his books, watching his documentaries, etc.
Tad, I think you may finally be finding the Tad that we all knew was deep inside of you. Keep up the good work!
Agreed. Wholeheartedly!
AJ
Thanks Job and AJ. I have to wonder if it is healthy though. I mean, to give an example of how I've changed:
I used to be a HUGE fan of the tv show "Deadliest Catch" about Alaskan crab fishermen. When I got the bomb, I had no desire to watch it. I've tried to watch it since but can't because of the poor crabs. Pathetic? I don't know. I've changed in a very big way. I'm not complaining because I like the changes, but I guess I'm just surprised that I've changed in this way.
Funny stuff:
XW texted our sons yesterday and wished them Merry Christmas...on the 27th! She kind of gave them attitude because only S23 texted her on Christmas Day and wished her a Merry Christmas. But....like S29 said: "It goes both ways."
She seems different though. Quiet and....not as angry with me, but angry as hell at S29. She hasn't talked to him since before Thanksgiving when they had the disagreement about OM. His fiancée feels uncomfortable around him and of course, XW hit the roof.
I could be wrong, but I think she may be entering a new phase...
My New Year's resolutions in no particular order:
1. Be smoke free.
2. Join a gym.
3. Move to a place closer to work.
4. Get dental work done.
5. See an Orca or Humpback in the wild.
6. Eat healthier.
7. Visit the beach.
8. Put money away every paycheck.
9. Pay off credit cards.
10. Start an exploratory committee for my 2020 presidential run!
Tad
Hi everyone. Just wanted to come and update although there really isn't much new going on.
I still have a great relationship with my lady friend at work. It isn't a romantic relationship, but I'm happy with the way things are right now. Will it be romantic someday? I don't know and it really doesn't matter. Right now, I'm happy with the way it is.
S29 still isn't talking to XW.
Interesting: Since all of this began at the end of 2010, I've never heard anyone say what two of my sons BOTH told me on two separate occasions last week: both of them told me separately, that they don't think XW is happy.
Funny: On December 27th, XW texted sons to wish them Merry Christmas. TWO DAYS LATE. She did the same thing for New Year. On January 3rd, she texted them and wished them a Happy New Year. TWO DAYS LATE. I guess MLCers really do live in their own time zone, but TWO DAYS BEHIND????
I continue to do great at my job. My promotion happens on January 30th. I'll have 6 people under me and I'll be responsible for keeping over 8,000 television stations on the air and diagnosing and fixing problems when they go off the air. I've learned so much just in the last month while training.
I still continue to get physically sick whenever I see some poor animal suffering or being abused. I'm not sure why I'm like this now, but I've never been like this in the past. I get physically sick. It's weird. I want to get a dog when I get my own place, but I'm kind of afraid to. I'm afraid that I'll out-live it and have to deal with more sadness. I really can't take any more. It's kind of a crummy way to be, but that's me right now.
I'm talking to my sons next week in a "family meeting." We need to start making plans to move. I REALLY need my own place, but am also afraid of that as well. I've never been on my own. Went from living with parents to being married. I'm single now, but have 3 of my sons living with me. It's time for them to grow up and be men and it's time for me to be a man as well. I want my own place, but am also so afraid.
Anyways, that's it for now.
Tad
Thanks forward. I appreciate the response.
Just wanted to update. It has been a while.
My promotion at work has happened. I like the new position. I have a lot more responsibility, but I like it. I seem to do better with more stress and higher pressure at work. It is good.
With the promotion, I still see my "lady friend" but not as much. We still talk a lot. I think maybe she might be coming around to letting me take her to lunch. We shall see. I think she is a little "gun shy" because she knows my story and her last relationship ended badly. I'll keep you posted.
I still am struggling...REALLY struggling to get out of the house.....just no motivation. Last weekend, I spent the entire weekend at home, in my room. A few weeks ago, I did manage to get to the Phoenix Zoo. I didn't stay long, but it was nice to get out and see all of the wonderful animals. I got to hand-feed some stingrays. It was amzing.
I've turned into the exact opposite of who I was: a fairly well-known recognized local celebrity who was everywhere to someone who can barely manage to leave the house. This weekend, I went to the mall and went bowling with my oldest. So...atleast I got out.
Speaking of my oldest, he is still not speaking to XW. And...she is not speaking to him. He plans to get married in September and has asked me to be his best man.
As for XW, she sent our sons a Merry Christmas text two days late and a Happy New Year text two days late. But here's the kicker: Three weeks ago, (around the first of February) she stopped by and delivered twelve yes TWELVE dozen homemade Christmas cookies, one loaf of banana bread and.........FOUR CANDY CANES. I guess they really do operate on their own time. Funny stuff!
For me: I'm changed. Not the person I was at all. This whole experience changed me in more ways than I can put into words. The biggest change: my love for animals and the compassion I have for them. Totally strange. It's not a bad quality at all, but it is so different from who I was. I grew up in a family of hunters and fishermen. I used to do it myself and I feel absolutely terrible for all of the hunting and fishing I did when I was growing up. My boys have even noticed it. This sounds pretty pathetic to me, but I won't even litter anymore....not to protect the planet or anything like that but because it isn't good for the animals. When it rains, I worry about the birds and the rodents and hope that they are staying warm. I know....sad isn't it?
My sons and I have decided to get our own places this Summer. I'm excited, but scared at the same time. I'm scared because I won't be with them but also because I've never been on my own. I went from high school to marriage and have never lived by myself. It will be nice though to get my own place and to be able to decorate the way that I want. I just hope I can swing it all financially. I used to have a 155 gallon fish tank. I lost it in the divorce. My first purchase when I get my own place is to get another smaller one.
Anyways, that is all for now. Hope you are all well.
For the noobies: It does get better. It just takes time. Hang in there.
Tad
Hi Tad, just a few thoughts about you. I can understand you being afraid of living alone. I also have never lived alone, which brings me to the question why you would like to live without your sons being present? I understand that you would like more space etc. But from my POV i'm glad that I have my youngest D still living with me. One D moved out late 08 & the other in late 14. Unless I do the chasing I don't get to see or hear from them too much! It's Different if they have problems though!
Tell me, if your lady friend asked you to go out somewhere would you jump at the chance?
Regarding you actually being sick from seeing dead animal's or from seeing them being treated badly. I believe you might need help regarding this issue.
Love
Delboy
Thanks Delboy.
I also have never lived alone, which brings me to the question why you would like to live without your sons being present?
Well, there is me and three of them living here. We are crammed into a tiny apartment and to be honest, there is just no room. We don't even have a dining room table because one of them sleeps where the table would be. Also, they want their space too. I think the main reason is: I just want to get on with my life. I kind of feel stuck or trapped at the moment. I want to be "normal" again. Our living situation is far from normal. All of us work very odd/strange hours. With all of our weird working hours, I'm rarely able to enjoy my living room or kitchen because someone is almost always sleeping. Plus, I live a pretty large distance from my work. I'd like to be closer. They all live within 2 miles of their jobs. I live about 45-50 miles from mine.
Tell me, if your lady friend asked you to go out somewhere would you jump at the chance?
Sure. I'd love to go out with her. Right now, we are just friends.
Regarding you actually being sick from seeing dead animal's or from seeing them being treated badly. I believe you might need help regarding this issue.
You're probably right. I just have a lot of compassion for them, but it does seem a little extreme.
Thanks for the response.
Tad
Hi Tad, my quote: Tell me, if your lady friend asked you to go out somewhere would you jump at the chance?
Your reply: Sure. I'd love to go out with her. Right now, we are just friends.
The reason I asked this question was to find out why you don't like going out much on your own. And I think you've answered it, it's like you can't quite seem to enjoy life on your own somehow, is this correct?
If your mindset was perhaps to change then you'll give out more positive vibes, which in turn will attract more positive responses back to you. Do you get that?
I would like to share something now, my ex's first known diary. She received it for Christmas 1975, I didn't get to see it till after we were married (Apr 81) So I first saw it soon after this and I last saw it in the late 90's (She destroyed it around this time cos I took her up on her comments).
Well she started out well but only filled in entries for the first 2 weeks of Jan 76. My take on it was she was very bored and I wasn't very big in her life then, also she didn't seem to have any hobbies, but I know she was a good drawing artist. All she seemed to do was go and visit her best friend in her village.
In Jan 77 she began to fill that same diary in again starting the last 2 weeks of that month just altering the date's cos they were one day out of course! Well you couldn't believe the difference, it was like she was now a different person, why? well to me it looks like she got what she was perhaps looking for, Delboy & his family. She was now living at our house for about 4 days a week. I would see her at her house about 2 nites a week also. She could catch her works bus from our Avenue. So she must have thought she got it made.
Just before I met her she & her mate & others had a week in the Isle of Man, the TT races. She said she also visited the Laxey wheel, which also had a wishing well, she tossed in a coin to the fairies wishing for a boyfriend. And look who turned up!
Love
Delboy
Hi Delboy. Very interesting. You may be correct about enjoying life on my own. Although...it is getting better.
Everyone:
It's been a while. Just a quick update.
I'm ok.
I've been busy getting ready to move into my very own place. I get my keys on the 24th. I will post a new thread once I get settled. I just didn't want to "disappear."
Tad
Tad,
I'm excited for you! Once you get settled in, you will enjoy having your own space. Congratulations! This is a huge step for you!
Tad,
Very happy for you and sending you best wishes. It is exciting to be able to create a space that will be totally Tad.
Thanks Job and Gwen.
It will be nice to have my own place, but at the same time, I'm scared to death.
As I said, I will post a brand new thread once I get in and settled.
Oh yeah, I'm going to be a Grandpa. More on that later too.
Tad
Hi everyone. Just a quick update on me. I know I don't get many responses anymore because most who have followed my story from the beginning have moved on and don't really post much anymore. I've been at this for 5 1/2 years....and hope to move on soon too.
I'm in my new place.....just me.
To be honest, I hated it at first. It is the first time I've EVER lived by myself.
Now that things have settled down, I'm starting to enjoy it except for the fact that money is really, really tight. And, I do get pretty lonely sometimes...very lonely.
I have noticed though, that I've had a few bad days recently. It seems like now that I'm on my own, I seem to think about XW a little more and even MISS her and the times that we had. It all seems like so long ago...a different lifetime entirely. It's like a movie that I starred in many years ago that nobody watches anymore. So many memories and good times all locked in the farthest reaches of my mind that like to peak out from time to time whether I want them to or not. They are there and I'm afraid they always will be. I look back and sometimes it is hard to believe that that was my life. Our life. And, it's gone. She'll never, ever be a part of my life again and I'll never be a part of hers. She is a different person and has a different life now. It is sad to think of it like that, but it is what it is. She has erased me, but I can't seem to erase her. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. Hopefully, that will fade with time. I hope so.
A friend at work gave a really nice camera to me. Hopefully, in a few weeks, after I learn how to use it, I'm going to get out play around with it and take some animal pictures. Maybe they'll be good enough to post on FB.
My lady friend at work is still just that...a friend. We do have a pretty cool friendship. I am not dating and am not really looking for anyone to date. My sons have recently stated that I need to get out and meet someone but....I'm not really interested. If it happens, it happens.
There was a poster on here a few years back that went by the name of Seekinganswers. (I think.) Does anyone know whatever happened to her?
That is all for now. I hope to start a brand new thread soon.
Thanks for reading.
Tad
There was a poster on here a few years back that went by the name of Seekinganswers. (I think.)
Does anyone know whatever happened to her?
The last I heard which is a few years ago,
she had a stroke and was in the hospital.
Then when she came home so did her husband.
Not sure if it was out of guilt or what.
That is all I know right now.
Hi Tad, I'm glad to hear you are settled in your new place. I think the period after you first get in can be difficult - particularly if you haven't lived alone for a while. But I found that does pass and a new 'normal' begins. I enjoy living alone now and rarely feel lonely...but I do make sure I have regular 'plans' and reach out to people to arrange things.
I think we all revisit our M's from time to time in our minds. They were such a significant part of our lives and we loved our spouses - and I understand what you are saying about that feeling like a different life now.
All of what you post suggests a need for a little more GALing....do you have some new plans in this area to fit with your new living arrangements?
xx
Thanks Cadet. That was the last I heard as well. She was one that used to post to me a lot in the beginning. I hope things worked out for her.
I think we all revisit our M's from time to time in our minds. They were such a significant part of our lives and we loved our spouses - and I understand what you are saying about that feeling like a different life now.
Thanks Sotto.
I sometimes think: "where did it go?" or "what the hell happened?" Funny how life changes....sometimes, not so funny.
All of what you post suggests a need for a little more GALing....do you have some new plans in this area to fit with your new living arrangements?
No plans yet. I do know I need to get out and meet people. I just don't know where to start. (95% of my socializing happens at work.) There is a lot more to do on this side of town. A lot of cool events happen over here. Many have suggested a meet up group. I joined one months ago, but never really did anything with it. Hopefully, that will change now that I'm living in the "cool" part of town.
Has anyone else had success with meet up groups? I'm not looking to date, just looking for people to do things with.
Tad
I have joined a Meetup group about a year ago and I regularly see them. Some have become good friends of mine. I go there to interact with people not to find a date and I love it.
Hope it helps.
I never did actually go on a Meetup, but I did join various other things - a ladies social group, divorce group, volunteering in charity bookstore, salsa class, yoga group - all of these things and a few other new female friends mean I keep pretty busy and happy.
The cool part of town sounds like a good place to be. I find if you wonder about and look at signs in Windows, stores and cafes, you can often find new things to do. I recall that you love animals and wonder if you would consider some kind of volunteering that involves them perhaps? A friend of mine does weekly walks at a dog rescue centre, which I think sounds lovely.
Have a good weekend :-)
Thanks Rouky and Sotto.
Well, I joined a few groups today. We'll see what happens.
Sotto, I do love animals very much and the rescue center thing sounds really cool. That sounds like something I can get into. I'll check and see if there is something like that here.
I've also thought about doing something with the zoo too. I live in Arizona though and lately, it's just been too hot. 118 last week!!!
Tad
hi tad!
I don' t think you are entering your own midlife crisis. You are discovering your true passion. your thoughts are positive reflexion of your passion and desire. Your boys are now MEN and it is time to think of yourself. I see this as a normal part of life. I will be there soon myself. In a few years, all 4 of my children will be gone from home. I have been thinking about what I could or would do when the time comes and I AM SCARED.. I wish I could stop time for a bit but life goes on and I will have to face it when it gets here.. I wish I could find you on fb but I don' t know who I am looking for. lol .
Sharing of personal info is not allowed, i.e., not even hints about your email address. I have removed what you posted concerning your email address.
exquisitetobe and Tad,
Sharing of personal info is not allowed, i.e., not even hints about what your email address is. I have copied and pasted what is considered a Board policy for your info:
"This is a public forum. Exchanging private contact information with other users is not allowed. Our purpose in making this On Line Community available to you is to offer you a place to publicly give and receive Divorce Busting help, and to support one another in saving your marriages and keeping your families together. It was never our intention to provide a means of privately connecting with others via the internet. There are many other sites where that is encouraged. This is not one of them. We are here to help and support you via this public forum."
I apologize.. i knew my name could not be use but my e- mail does not reveal my name. I thought it was to my discretion to give it. Once again, i am sorry and i won' t do it again..
exquisitetobe,
Please do not apologize. We all have done this and unless you've had your hands smacked for doing so, you wouldn't know about the Board policy.
Hello everyone. It has been a while since I last posted. I've stayed away because thee is nothing new in my sitch and because it is too heartbreaking to read all the new threads from newbies. I've titled this thread "The Long Goodbye" because unless something drastic happens in my sitch, this will likely be my last thread since there is simply nothing new to report.
For the newbies who may want to read my story from the beginning, my very first post (started February 2011) can be found here:
25 years Gone....?I want to start by saying thank you to everyone who has ever posted to me, messaged me and friended me on FB and some who have even spoken to me on the phone. I would love to mention names, but won't because I don't want to forget anyone. You know who you are and I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!
UPDATES:
XW - We do not talk. My sons told me that she was in a really bad accident a few weeks ago and totaled her car. She claims that she doesn't remember what happened. She is working her third job in less than two years. I can't even remember when I saw her or spoke to her last. It's been more than a year.
Sons
S30 is living with his GF and is expecting a baby in November. It will be my first grandchild. He is currently not speaking to XW.
S25 is currently living with his GF. Talks to XW occasionally.
S23 and S21 are sharing an apartment and talk to XW once every two or three weeks. S23 still has not met OM.
As for me....
I've been living alone since May. It took a little getting used to, but I enjoy it. I come and go as I please and don't have to answer to anyone. It's nice.
I don't talk to any of my former radio friends with the occasional message on FB. My one friend that I still talk to is my best friend. He lives in Florida and flies to Arizona once or twice a year to visit.
I do have friends at work but that is all they are: friends at WORK. One of them, a lady friend that I have mentioned in previous threads, is really cool, but we have no relationship outside of work. I've been to her place one time because she wanted to show me her new place, but that is it.
I pretty much keep to myself. I prefer it that way. I'd love to have someone to do things with, but I'm ok if that never happens.
This entire experience has changed me. I'm not even sure how to explain it. It seems that I have "settled down" (whatever that means.) It's the best way to describe it though. I feel like I have become the person that I was mean to be. I'm a better person. I've sort of turned into a recluse which is a far stretch from my radio days. There is a "calmness" about me and I sometimes wonder if I went through "something" myself. I am very different from the man I was 5 years ago.
I've developed a love/compassion for animals. I visit the park once a week and feed the Geese. I actually look forward to it. It gives me time away from work and home and gives me a chance to think and reflect. And just be me.
I've picked up photography as a hobby. A friend at work gave me a really nice camera. I enjoy it. It gets me away from everything. In the past month, I've been to the park a few times, a Butterfly garden and two zoos. Haha. I really enjoy taking pictures of animals and have posted a lot of them on my FB page. I've received quite a few compliments on them. I enjoy it a lot.
That is pretty much it.
Again, I just wanted to thank everyone. I will be back to check in from time to time. I'm taking a break from the boards, but not for good. Just for now....
Finally, for the newbies. All I can tell you is to read, read, read. Come to this site to vent. The advice you get here is priceless. People will tell you that it gets better. You won't believe them, but it does.
Thanks for reading.
Tad
Tad,
As you will notice, I have merged your previous and new thread together because you've not reached 100 postings/replies on the previous thread. You can change the subject line within a thread at any time.
Tad,
I'm very happy to see an update from you. Wow! A lot has happened since you visited last!
So, you are going to be a grandfather in the fall. That's wonderful and I'm sure you will spoil the little one whenever you get the chance.
How is work going? I see that you are still friends at work w/the young lady.
Photography is a great hobby and it doesn't require conversing w/others unless you want to. I'm sure you've taken some great photos and just think, when the little one arrives you can take photos of him/her too.
You have a love for animals and I admire that. Animals can sense when someone is not going to harm them and they will gravitate towards you. You enjoy being around animals. Have you ever given any thought to volunteering at a shelter? You would be wonderful working w/the animals.
Tad, you are slowly waking up from the deep grief that you've suffered over the loss of your marriage. Don't rush the process and it all takes time.
I'm proud of you Tad...you've even though you don't realize it, you've come a long way since the first day of posting here. Keep it up!
Everything that job just said a hearty yes.
I am also glad that your other post you posted seemed to go away?
If you can you have wisdom others can benefit from Tad.
Are you glad for the changes you have made and the person you are now?
Thanks Job and Jack.
Job,
Work is going great. I love it. The days are long sometimes (I work 4 10-hour days) but overall I enjoy the job more than my radio career. I get along great with everyone and my lady friend is a very good friend. We talk a lot and have tons in common. No dating though...
I enjoy the photography too. I'm a newbie, but it is a lot of fun. I take pictures of wildlife....mostly zoo animals and birds and ducks that I see at the pond. The pond is about two miles from my place so it is real easy to get to.
I have thought of volunteering at a shelter, but the photography keeps me quite busy. Maybe someday. Knowing me though, I'd want to bring them all home. I'm currently feeding a homeless cat in my apartment complex. He's getting brave and now will come onto my patio. Haven't been able to get close enough to pet him yet.
Yes, I am waking up and I have come a long way. It is a very long road. I still wonder if I "went through something" myself just because of the way that I've changed. My boys will sometimes laugh at me and shake their heads. They know that I'm different too. I've heard that this experience changes people....boy, that's the truth.
Jack,
It is so nice seeing you here on the boards! You posted to me in the very beginning and handed me a few 2x4s. Thank you.
As for wisdom, I'm not going away...just won't be posting much on my thread since things have settled and there isn't much to report. I will check in from time to time and post to newbies when I can. There's just so many of them. I would have never believed that this MLC mess was so common.
Yes, I do like the person I am now very much. More so than who I was. I have more compassion for people, less uptight...as I said in my earlier post, there is a calmness or peace about me. I'm just.....at peace. As for my love of animals, I think that my little rats that I had kind of helped with that. They showed me unconditional love at my lowest/darkest point. I know, sounds kind of funny, but it's true. They helped me a lot believe it or not.
You mention the changes that I made. I'm not sure that I actually knowingly MADE changes. They just seemed to happen. I kind of "morphed" into something different. I seem to enjoy things that I did as a kind....animals, sea life, the ocean...stuff that I kind of lost a long the way once I got married.
I would love to meet someone to do things with and share things with, but if that never happens, that's cool too. Again, I'm at peace.
Thanks for checking in...
Tad
Holy Hog doodoo! It's Tad!
Hey bro nice to get an update. I've seen the pictures on facebook and I actually think you have an eye for photography. Keep at it.
Best line I've seen from you in a while!
You know how to reach me if ya need me.
Peace,
Eric
Thanks Eric. I do enjoy the photography!
Nice to hear from you!
Tad
Hi Tad! I am so glad you posted. I think of you and hope you are well. I am glad you have found things you are interested in. And, I totally think it's ok to be more of an introvert now. Things change, and we change.
I have always been an extrovert and thrived off of being around others. Now, I cherish my alone time. The things you are doing with your time sound so peaceful and fulfilling to me.
I think you have to really go through a transition, like wean yourself off from an old lifestyle to appreciate the a quieter, yet more fulfilling lifestyle like that.
Good for you, Tad. You sound good, and that makes me happy.
Take good care of yourself and keep on keepin on!
Hi Tad,
I also am glad to hear from you. I'm glad you're making strides, however I am really worried about you still battling with depression. I mean, you're struggling to go out and do what you used to enjoy. In a way, I get a feeling that the community here and you reaching out is a way of trying to have a connection with people.
Even the way you described your W is worrisome. You really shouldn't even notice that type of thing the way that you have been.
Put it this way...do you think your sons would want you to be like that?
The photography is great. I'm a photographer myself so I get where you're coming from. When was the last time you got a physical exam? How's your health? I know before you were seeing a iC for yourself. Have you stopped?
Just concerned about you my friend.
Mr.Bond, trying to have a connection with people?
Isn' t it part of forum? We share our stories and make connections with some of the people we relate with?
I am not arguing your point; i don' t understand it. Eventho i do not know who they are, Bea, Ajm, kimmerz, eric, Jack, Tad... they are amoung a few i have met here and whom i keep up with.
Please, re-word or explain what you mean!
Thanks Mighty, MrBond and Exquisite...
Mighty, I do enjoy my life now. It's more peaceful. Haha.
MrBond, I'm not sure what you mean by this:
Even the way you described your W is worrisome. You really shouldn't even notice that type of thing the way that you have been.
The only thing that I said in my most recent post is:
We do not talk. My sons told me that she was in a really bad accident a few weeks ago and totaled her car. She claims that she doesn't remember what happened. She is working her third job in less than two years. I can't even remember when I saw her or spoke to her last. It's been more than a year.
I mean, you're struggling to go out and do what you used to enjoy. In a way, I get a feeling that the community here and you reaching out is a way of trying to have a connection with people.
I'm not really "struggling" to get out anymore. I choose not to. I get a lot of socializing in at work and when I do choose to get out of the house, I'll try a restaurant that I've never been to or go to the park or something. I don't do the bar scene since I no longer drink.
My post wasn't really meant as a "reach out." It was more of an update/thank you/goodbye. There isn't really anything new in my sitch and hasn't been for a while. I'll come here now and then to post to others, but most likely won't be starting any new threads unless something drastic happens.
I'm no longer seeing a counselor and really should see a doctor soon. It's been too long. I've lost some weight recently due to the fact that I gave up soda, drink lots of water and have been walking more.
I feel the best I've felt in a long time. To be honest, I believe getting my own place really helped. Being in a cramped apartment with three grown sons was just a constant reminder of the mess she left us in. I'm good. I don't socialize much. (Ok, maybe I should.) But...I get to come and go as I please and do whatever I want and when I want. Do I still have days? Sure, but they are occurring less and less.
Anyways, that's all for now. It's laundry day.
Tad
Tad,
So glad to read your post. Happy you have your own place too. Take care of yourself and never worry about reaching out here if you want to or just checking in from time to time.
Honor yourself by taking care of yourself because you are worthy. Happy you are enjoying photography - it is a great pursuit.
Again so glad to read this update.
Thanks Gwen. Nice to hear from you. Sure, I still have days and sometimes I even ask myself "what the H@ll did I do?" Overall though, I am good.
I will still check in from time to time....
Tad
I was watching Star Wars Episode III last night and heard this from Yoda talking to Anakin Skywalker. I thought that it could go here.
"TRAIN YOURSELF TO LET GO OF ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE AFRAID TO LOSE."
Peace.
Tad
Tadpole I am your father.
Lol..
Just checking in...
I turned 49 on October 25th and became a grandfather for the first time on November 6th. S30 and his girlfriend have a brand new baby boy. I have not seen the baby yet because S30's GF has sort of pushed S30 away from everyone. XW hasn't seen the baby yet either.
I've been struggling with something lately...I'm feeling OLD. It's like I woke up one day and became old overnight. I feel like the best or my prime is behind me. I think I'm just missing my youth. I've spent the majority of my 40's dealing with XW/divorce/rebuilding my life and it just seem like everything/everyone has passed me by.
I still love my job and am happy with it. I'll be getting another promotion next month and will be "certified" as a Tech 3 Broadcast Technician. It comes with a nice raise. I could use it, but it still won't be quite enough. But....I AM making ends meet.
My lady friend at work has invited me over to her place the past 3 Wednesdays after work for a drink. (Wednesday is our Friday.) We've had some great conversations...but we are still just friends for now. I do enjoy her company.
Anyways, just wanted to give an update....
Tad
Happy Belated Birthday! Congratulations on becoming a grandfather. You'll get to see the little boy soon. Your son's gf needs some time to adjust to being a new mom and most likely wants some time alone w/the little one and your son (as a family unit).
I can understand the thought of feeling old. We fight the hard battle for such a long time and when there's nothing left to fight for in the way of the relationship, we soon begin to focus on us and we come to realize just how much time we spent focusing on the MLCer and/or walkaways. Now, you have a better understanding of why we encourage people to focus on themselves and live our lives to the fullest. Time doesn't stand still for us at all...it keeps on moving on.
I'm very happy to read that a new promotion is in the wings for you. You've worked hard for that promotion. It sounds like your lady friend enjoys your company and vice versa. Slow and steady and don't try to push this friendship along. Let things unfold naturally.
Tad, you have so much to be thankful for this year. You've made huge progress from a year ago. It's nice to see some positives coming your way for a change.
I agree with Job.. You have so many things to be thankful for in your post above.. A miracle of life (baby), a promotion, A lady friend and best of all, TIME !!!!
Don' t overthink things. Take them as it come and enjoy every minute.
Not everything and everyone has passed you by.. Many were with you and still are.
Do you realise everything you have accomplished!! You started from stratch, You since got 2 promotions, if i' m correct, a new home, a very nice lady friend, NEW PASSION ( photography and marine life ). You have rediscovered who TAD IS as an individual. No one did this for you, YOU DID!! You were very busy in the past few years, that is all... Now, you get to slow down and enjoy life.
49 is NOT OLD.. i' m 46, not far behind.. lol
Reality check, Tad -
you are 4 years younger than I was when I started to learn to play the drums. Since then I have played for 6 years in an amateur punk band, learned to play vibraphone and glockenspiel and toured with a professional singer-songwriter friend playing those and percussion, played at SXSW in her band, and now have credits for playing on her new album coming out next March!
I turned 60 this spring but had 3 gigs that month with my punk band so I couldn't even feel old!
The next ten years will be what YOU make them, and your health is partly (not entirely) under your control as well. We all know people who eat right and exercise and look great, and people who eat crap and sit around who age quickly. We don't have control over everything that happens to our health, but if we work hard on the things we CAN control, many of us can affect the aging process in a positive way.
Look up Ernestine Shepherd on Facebook if you want some inspiration - world's oldest competitive female bodybuilder, she was older than you when she first started to exercise.
Tad
I read this one late last night and its been eating at me.
I have followed you since I landed on this forum and let me tell you just a few things I have noticed. Dude ..... you have come such a long way from where you were when I joined here ... Like LIGHT YEARS long way. Before I tell you how not old you are like the rest of the wise people before me I would like to point out something. The fact you admit you are struggling with it ... openly sharing it and owning it... HUGE man .. huge. Rather than just be down and depressed about it you brought it to light and now its something you can openly deal with.
Ok .. AGE .... I have a friend, best friend since 4th grade actually. He is in your boat .... thinks he is old/feels old/ I will just say he is "age challenged". Truth is .. he and I are 7 months apart (I am 45). You would not find 2 more polar perspectives about the age. I will tell you this ... he too is a grandfather, poor bastard actually has been a grandfather since he was 37 ... yes at 37. I think THAT alone was the kicker tbh. His grand daughter is almost the same age as my son!!! Maybe look at that and think if that's the source of your "Oh Chit I am old because I am a Grandfather" vibe .... because I am telling you 49 is not old .... in fact you are only as old as you allow yourself to be. But in our lizard brains we associate Grandma/Grandpa as that silverhaired almost can't move around person and we almost program ourselves to be JUST LIKE THAT
I check myself sometimes questioning if in fact I have some MLC going on .. I am 45 and still play softball, football .. DJ 2 gigs a week, drive a motorcycle. Is it denial or is it simply I am living the life I enjoy and refuse to let the age thing mess with me .... know what .. don't care I like my life and I do things that I enjoy.
Tad ... you aren't old... and KUDOS man for spending time with the Wednesday hottie ... another HUGE step for you as I recall when you were just hoping for a little talk here and there ... now its a regular thing ... stud.
Tad
First...congrats on the promo, birthday and becoming a grandfather. I also see a ton of positives in your sitch. I've been around since you first joined and Tad...... you are NOT the same man! You have overcome some many challenges in just a few years. From where I sit, you have been through hell and back and YET here you are....
1) Getting a raise (I remember when you were not working)
2)Having drinks after work with a lady that interest you (I get that is not progressing at the speed that you want. It still in light years away from the place you were...when you never left the house).
3) You are a grand daddy now to the boys who YOU stood with, who YOU made sure they were okay, who YOU were the rock for - even when you could barely stand yourself.
You have come a long way and I suspect these feelings that you have regarding your age....are because you may be a bit tired. Look man it is okay to feel then. You know the drill....do not hang on to them as they do not serve you well.
I'll take a sec and remind you of db101 - "change how you look at things"..
If you keep walking around telling yourself that you feel old - guess what...you'll feel old. Why not reframe it and say to yourself that I am bit worn, I need to rest up a bit and then plan my next move.
You got this man!
So how about this idea....
Take a look at finances, let me know when you can make it to Vegas (after April of next year please)...and I promise that I'll try and meet ya. Trust me....i'll help wipe that "feeling out" sentiment right out of you.
Oh...and remember...what happens in Vegas.....
You know how to reach me if you need to talk (same number).
Peace,
Eric
Thanks for the responses everyone.
And thanks for the reminders about how far I've come.
You're right about this Job:
We fight the hard battle for such a long time and when there's nothing left to fight for in the way of the relationship, we soon begin to focus on us and we come to realize just how much time we spent focusing on the MLCer and/or walkaways.
And, I'm actually upset with myself that it took so long for me to snap out of it. Honestly, I'm still not 100% or where I'd like to be, but I'm getting there.
You started from scratch, You since got 2 promotions, if i' m correct, a new home, a very nice lady friend, NEW PASSION ( photography and marine life ). You have rediscovered who TAD IS as an individual.
Funny thing, I had those passions before I got married and got lost along the way. I got my first camera when I was 12 and read my first book by Jacques Cousteau when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. It's like I got married and forgot who I was...
Exquisite, thanks for checking out my photos on FB.
KML, you're a rock star dude. Good for you. I will check out he FB page for inspiration.
Cali, thanks for the very kind words. I guess I have come LIGHT YEARS from where I was. Sometimes, I forget. Last night I was outside and something in the air reminded me where I was 5-6 years ago. (This is the time of year when the sh!t hit the fan.) The feelings came back for just a moment. Man, I was in a dark place at one point. So glad I'm no longer there.
Eric, Vegas....hahaha! Haven't been since my divorce. Money is tight, but I'll see if I can scrape up some dough.
And yes, I think you are right. I'm just TIRED. Very tired.
Again, thanks to all of you for checking in and the reminders!
Tad
Tad,
I AM a rock star 😁But not a dude! Middle aged mom turned rocker!
Tad, I love your pictures. I have told you so in many occasions. I also comment from time to time. I also know that having a woman liking or commenting on your every post could become a problem, an obstacle for you if you enter a new relationship. I know by experience. Someone was a bit extreme and I had to remove him from my fb. With that said, even though I do not show, I see most of them and I enjoy them.
KML,
Hahahaha!
I'm so sorry. Actually, I think I knew you were female. Not sure why I wrote "dude." Will you settle for "dudette?
Exquisite, thank you. I appreciate it!
Another note on feeling old:
The majority of my coworkers are 15-25 years younger than me. Most have never had kids or have never even been married. I've got kids older than a lot of them....
That doesn't help.
Haha.
Tad
Epiphany:
I understanding how you feel. I think about it when I have to ask someone to read what it says on a paper, or when I take a bit longer to heal from a cold/ flu, when my hearing seems to be weaker... I am aware I need to get use to it cause it is only the beginning.. It is life, can' t change those things... Yes, I do feel old sometimes, not everyday but sometimes.
What we do have control over is HOW WE LIVE !!!
I can see in your pictures how passionate you are. It is not just a picture to you, it is a living creature with so much beauty...
Your eagles! When I read your comments and the way it makes you feel? That is what makes it special, and that is what makes me smile..
As for KML.. Even though I would not chose her lifestyle, It is her spark !! She is proud and excited when she shares her journey. It gives her so much joy and it is one of the reason people admire her! Way to go girl!!
My "coffee buddies" are 60 years old and up. They make me feel young.. lol I' m kidding.. They are priceless to me. They are wise and they all have a story to tell and struggles to face. They still have fun every single day. They do not sweat the small stuff. They take it as it comes and move along or they laugh about it. They each have a hobby or passion to keep them busy and also give them pride and joy.
I am searching for my gift. Something that would give me a spark. I am thinking of taking on woodworking. I had an interest in it at a very young age. It faded away has life progressed. I do my own home reno and I love it. I cannot afford to upgrade my house on a daily basis.. Maybe single little project my do the trick.. It is a thought.
I do not know if any of this help you but I wanted to share it with you.
Thanks Esquisitetobe.
I can see in your pictures how passionate you are. It is not just a picture to you, it is a living creature with so much beauty...
Your eagles! When I read your comments and the way it makes you feel? That is what makes it special, and that is what makes me smile..
Yes, I do love animals and love to photograph them. I'm glad you like the pictures! Taking them is a lot of fun and yes, it is more than just a picture to me. It is God's beautiful creatures that I have learned to appreciate and admire.
I think woodworking would be perfect for you.
I'm just checking in because I'm a little confused regarding my lady friend....
I've known her for two and a half years now. Two years ago, I asked her out on a date and she declined because she "doesn't date coworkers." I asked a couple of times since then and got the same response. So....I quit asking. Every time I did ask, I was shot down....until recently. Something has changed her mind apparently. I've been to her place just about every night after work. On Wednesdays, because it is our Friday, I've been staying later and having drinks.
Last week, she mentioned how she wasn't going to have any help decorating for Christmas this year. I offered to help and she said...YES. We did that today. I wen't over to her place at about 2:00 and didn't leave until almost 9:00. In that time:
We built her tree.
We decorated it as we listened to Christmas Carols.
We had snacks.
We decorated her place.
We had Turkey leftovers.
We went for a walk.
We had Pumpkin Pie for dessert.
She showed me her holiday movie collection and a photo album from her childhood.
We ended the evening with a long conversation.
I decided to leave because I didn't want to wear out my welcome. She acted like she wanted me to stay longer. (No, not spend the night, but to just hang out and talk more.)
She told me to text her when I got home to make sure I made it home ok. I did.
She sent a text back thanking me for a wonderful day and for caring about her.
We also discussed going to a Holiday Light festival in a few weeks. I used to go there every year when I was married. She has never been. I tried to take her last year and again she declined.
This year though: SHE SAID YES. We are going on the weekend of the 10th. I'm picking her up (like a date would) and taking her out to dinner before heading to the festival.
She is a co-worker and I am very respectful of that and would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable. I'm a perfect gentleman, but I'd be lying if I said it was always easy. I like her a lot and have more in common with her than I ever did with XW.
It took two and a half years for her to finally "hang out" with me.
I guess I'm writing because I don't know what to do....
I know this has nothing to do with MLC, but what should I do? Ask her to date me or just keep going at the pace that we are?
Any thoughts?
Again, I want to be careful and to make sure I don't do anything to jeopardize the relationship that we do have...
Tad
Hi Tad, I'm pleased to read this and it sounds as though you have a gently growing friendship that could turn into something more.
Why push things I would say? You have a 'friend - date' planned and go and enjoy yourselves. Let go of your need to know - 'will you go out with me?' And enjoy the company and conversation.
It certainly sounds as though this girl likes you. You may want to take small opportunities for physical touch - maybe on the arm, shoulder, gently guiding the lower back etc - or taking her arm. Or asking for a hug at the end of the event..or a kiss on the cheek - 'may I give you a little hug?' 'May I kiss you on the cheek?'
I am friendly with a guy at work and have known him for years. He was always married and more recently I was married. And then he and his W D'd (he was an LBS - I love you like a brother - then quick R with a new guy - 3 kids) and then we D'd.
So, we find ourselves at work with a gently growing friendship (and some attraction I think) - but I do find him reticent at times. And the thing with pushing with a reticent person is - I think you risk further reticence or complete loss of the friendship potentially.
Also, in your situation Tad, I know you have struggle to get out and do things at times. You may just want to enjoy having a friend and companion to hang out with and have fun tasting some more of what life has to offer...
I'm pleased for you - relax and enjoy it....oh, and wear some nice, woody cologne for those 'lean in' moments - I love that
Xx
hey Tad,
I agree with Sotto's woody cologne suggestion, but not so much on the physical touch suggestion. That would actually not work for me ... not sure if that confuses you more,
I think you ought to keep doing what you've been doing, because that is obviously working, and let her lead the way.
Glad you've got a lot of positives going on for you xoxoxoxo
Tad,
Your photos are beautiful and you should be proud of how well you capture the animals in their surroundings.
Now, about your lady friend...I would continue as you have been...just be a friend. The two of you are enjoying each other's company for now...so why rock the boat? Live in the present and don't try to look to far into the future. Don't rush the process.
She is finally opening up !!
I would not change a thing. Your progress is natural, it will grow as you spend time together. Tad, you do not need a title ("dating, relationship"). In my opinion, you had plenty of "dates". why rush things!
I can see your respect toward her. I can she her lead. I also see that you are afraid of bringing her into your part of life. Her place, her invite. Because of the many declines on her part, your are reluctant to ask again. How about rephrasing your invites? You have a perfect opportunity right at this moment.
" Would you like to decorate my place with me? ". Instead of " would you go on a date with me?; How about: " Would you like to spend time with me? or go for a walk or do something together?"
Do not worry about the imaginary line between friendship and relationship. From your words, if the moment of a kiss or a hug present itself, YOU WILL KNOW, you will feel it from you and from her. for now, enjoy what you have!
You got this Tad!! I am so happy for you!
So happy things are progressing in such a sweet way!
I think meeting someone through work can be wonderful if it's handled properly. I think it's a really good sign that she is taking things slow, as frustrating as that can be. If it doesn't work out for either of you, you'll have to see each other at work. Her tempo shows maturity and probably an understanding of the possible intertwinings. I knew lots of people who became involved with seemingly normal people who then became tumultuous within the workplace. When things fell apart, it was a nightmare for them and for the coworkers.
So, it's also wise for you, career-wise, to take it slow to make sure she truly is even keeled. As things progress, much further along, it's probably advisable to have a conversation about making sure this doesn't impact your lives in the workplace, whatever the outcome.
Enjoy the process!
Thanks everyone.
She sent a text today telling me that she is looking forward to "next time." I think the big issue for her is trust. It took a while, but I think that maybe she is finally starting to trust me. (She's been hurt before so I can't blame her for that.)
After thinking about it and reading all of the responses here, I'm just going to lay low and not rush anything. I'm just going to see where it goes and let it go at her pace. No rushing.
Tad
Excellent strategy. What you've been doing is working, so why fix what isn't broken? xoxo
Hi Tad, Good to see you're getting on well with your lady friend.
I would let her make the first move etc.
Could you tell me what do you see in her eyes, is there a love light glowing within them? Cause you don't want it to turn out like the following, Right?
Hard Lesson to Learn. Performed By Rod Stewart
Written by: Bernie Taupin, James Triplett, Peter Blachley.
I drifted into the notion
That you were looking for me
I told myself that devotion
Would flow from your heart to me
When I looked into your eyes
Still no reflection did I see
Of love light glowing within there
That I hoped there would be
And it's a hard lesson to learn my friend
A hard lesson to learn
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
'times you’re gonna get burned
I took a chance on emotion
Washing my heart out to sea
A single wave on the ocean
You feel so distant from me
And there's a shadow dark upon your smile
A sadness living in your eyes
Storm clouds rolling in an out of doubt
Guess I’ve been living a lie
And it's a hard lesson to learn my friend
A hard lesson to learn
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
And it's a hard lesson to learn my friends
A hard lesson to learn
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
I drifted into the notion
That you were looking for me
I told myself that devotion
Would flow from your heart to me
But when I looked into your beautiful eyes
Still no reflection did I see
Of love light glowing within there
That I kinda hoped there would be
And it's a hard lesson to learn my friend
A hard lesson to learn
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah
Ooooh
Sometimes you’re gonna get what you want
Sometimes you’re gonna get burned
Love
Delboy
Thanks bttrfly and Delboy.
Could you tell me what do you see in her eyes, is there a love light glowing within them?
Hmmm....I wouldn't call it a "love light" but she does light up when she sees me. I have no problem making her smile or laugh. I'm going to take everything slow and not rush anything. It's in her hands. Like I said, she has been hurt before so I don't really blame her for being a little hesitant. I do believe though that I am earning her trust.
This week is the week of our "date/non date." We haven't decided if we are going to the festival on Friday or Saturday yet. After that, we are going to dinner. (Her suggestion.) I won't lie, I'm a little nervous. I haven't been "out" with a lady in years. Really, since my 25th wedding anniversary. Ok, I'm very nervous. I hope everything goes well and she has a good time. I'll post an update and let everyone know how it goes.
Pointers? I could use them.
Tad
Tad,
Just be yourself and keep your expectations at zero. The most important thing is to relax and enjoy yourself.
Hey Tad,
I am so so pleased to read of your progress. What a wonderful surprise!
Slow and steady.
Easy does it.
Let it unfold naturally.
Do not force things.
Oh and add a dash of cologne this Friday!
Be yourself.. be the man she likes.. for me, the simplest, smallest form of attention is best.. opening her door, pulling her chair, letting her order first.. gentleman stuff..
Oh, most important, let her know how much you appreciate the evening you shared IN HER COMPANIE !!! Good luck Tad !!
Here is your checklist
1. woodsy cologne (not too much, but just the "right" amount)
2. expectation level = 0
3. breathe on a regular basis; not hyperventilating or channeling the Dennis Hopper character in Blue Velvet
4. Let her take the lead, as you have been.
5. Be yourself.
6. Remember to Have FUN!!!
xoxoxoxo Good luck we are all rooting for you!
Yes, I would just see it as a casual dinner with a friend and don't overwork it. If you fret about it too much, you are having expectations. So, just dial back and enjoy that couple of hours for what it is - a chance to spend some QT with someone you like...
If you truly are happy for this to unfold in it's own way, you needn't get anxious about one outing...
Hope you have a nice time xx
Thanks all.
I went to lady friend's house on Wednesday after work. She told me that she had a special drink to help celebrate some things that have happened at work. Turns out, it was my favorite beer. I think I may have mentioned the brand once or twice. She definitely pays attention!
Well tomorrow is the big night out with the lady friend.
I actually cancelled on her two days ago because, wouldn't you know it, I've had some car overheating issues. I just can't afford to have it looked at right now. So, she offered to drive.
But....
She called me last night and told me that she broke down and had to be towed. Her car is currently in the shop and they promised her that if they can't get it fixed by noon tomorrow, they will give her a loaner car. So as of right now....
It is still on.
I told her that I would put gas in the car since she is driving.
I could have almost predicted this. As soon as I
DO find someone to spend time with, I have car issues....not the way I wanted it to go. I'm just glad that she was understanding.
So, right now the plan is for me to drive to her place at 4:00 tomorrow. From there, she will drive to the light festival and then we will head to dinner afterwards. We picked a nice Chinese restaurant that I went to every once in a while in the distant past. She has never been there.
It seems like we have had to jump through some serious hoops just for this one "date/non date."
Wish us luck please.....
Scared/nervous/anxious.
I will post an update.
Don't know what I'm going to do about my car....
Tad
good luck and Have Fun!!!!
Hey Tad
You will be absolutely fine, you have got this, just try to relax and enjoy yourself, she is not going to bite ....well, not on the first date I hope he he he ....
You are already friends, you enjoy her company and she enjoys yours, so this is just an extension of that. Be a gentleman ( and I know you are) and you won't go wrong.
Have fun. Looking forward to hearing the update
xoxo
Scared/nervous/anxious
Tad, the aim is to relax and enjoy yourself!!
How about quietly confident, relaxed and optimistic...
Remember, this is just an outing with a friend - there's no need to put any pressure on yourself. Just see it as a few hours of nice company and good food and that's it...
It's always possible that we spend a little more time with people and they may or may not want to take that further, spend more time with us - or not and so on...
But, know that you will be just fine either way and be grounded within yourself.
Hope you have a nice time xx
Tad,
You and your lady friend are going to have a fun and great time this evening. You and your lady friend have a lot in common and I don't see you having any problems conversing. Just be yourself and have some fun.
You are going to be just fine. Take a deep breath and just enjoy yourself.
This thread is almost full and with the events of last night "date/nondate" I thought it was time for a new one. It can be found here:
About Last Night