Hi. This is the first post on this site although my H has been in MLC for 4.5 years (since April 2011) when I found out he was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. Stupidly, I allowed him to stay at home with myself and our 3 children (8, 14 and 15)thinking it would all blow over (I didn't know about MLC until last year). This has caused me no end of distress and pain.
1 year ago he told me the EA was over and that it had dwindled due to her changing jobs. However, last week I found a note from him to her saying 'come and find me and we'll start a new life together' among many other things. It seems things have never changed for him in all this time. OW has 4 children and a husband (who my H works with).She is in love with my H (he's told me a couple of times).
According to H, OW offers him an intellectual challenge which I don't. I have always known that he thrives on debate and is academically brilliant, in fact, just the opposite of me.
I am not sure if H is having a MLC of if this is 'just' an affair after realizing that there is a much better option out there. However, he shows all the major signs of MLC (wanting to be alone, wanting the run away, constant pre-occupation with death, being in deep depression, feeling time is running out to 'make his mark', feeling resentful of me for not working (I brought our children over 10 years, one of whom is autistic).
He has told me he has never wanted to leave me. He has continued to be very generous with his money, supporting us all as a family and me in my new business ventures (i am self employed).
2 weeks ago, on finding the note, I asked him to leave.I haven't spoken to him since and feel like I am through. I feel completely deceived and want no more part in that deception.
After spending the last 2 weeks alone, I have finally realised I played a large part in his MLC due to my childhood issues and their effects on my personality/development. I think now is a good time to start to change these things about myself, to become a better person. I recognize I am in need of guidence and help, and after reading posts from others, I think I have come to the right place.
Thank you all in advance.
Joss
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htmKeep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2583553#Post2583553Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Joss,
Responded to you in newcomers
I'm going to answer you here because you said this is where you wanted to continue. You cant move the previous thread but it can be linked.
My story is here somewhere, or it was, may have been purged in the most recent server adjustments.
I am not reconciled and I'm really good with that. My X and I get along well. My story is a long one. The long and short...
QLC 98-2000. Reconciled but crisis not finished. Bomb 03...nothing. Bomb 07, another in 08. By mid 09, I was done. After a lot of Dbing, alot of introspection, and a lot of heartbreak.
We shared our home, separate rooms, until late 2011, and then I moved. We did this for our son. We learned how to navigate it. It wasnt always pretty but it worked.
The perimenopause...I forget everything. That didnt start until about 2 years ago. Night sweats and other symptoms for close to 10 years now. Periods come and go when they want. Not on any sort of schedule. The worst for me is the mood swings.
I manage with a combination of natural rememdies. I am nog someone who visits the doctor often. I seem to be allergic to chemical things. So...I take phytoestrogens (plant estrogens), which helped for a long time. But not totally. Then I learned that they need to be balanced with progestrone. So I added progestrone cream. As my sex drive waned, i learned i could and needed to boost my testerone, so I take zinc for that. It took a lot of research and time to find the right combination.
Additionally, i make lists. Alot. Even to keep track of cleaning and stuff because i can easily walk from one room to the other and get distracted.
It gets better eventually. Or so they tell me.
Hey Joss. I have had more than one name on here so it would be difficult to find my whole story.
Basically, it is this. BD was in 2007. I couldn’t get dbing for a long time. I mean I understood its premises, but, I had a hard time implementing them. With the help of the amazing people here who would not give up on me, a wonderful therapist and sheer will power, I finally did get it and it changed my life.
To me, dbing is a way of life. If you do the work, you become who you were meant to be and in my opinion, it gives the best chance of saving a marriage.
My xh stayed in my home for almost two years while having an affair. He eventually left and I finally had to file in order to try to stem the financial destruction his actions were bringing. He did some horrific things and he is sadly, still swirling around the tunnel…often hugging hard to its walls. I wish him nothing but peace always.
I remember when I first came here; I was desperate for success stories until I learned this….. all of us who have survived this and have come out the other side whole and healed are success stories whether or not our marriage was saved.
I believe fully in this process. I believe that this was meant to happen to me and I am forever grateful for my journey. I wish it didn’t happen in the way that it did, but, than it would be a different journey.
If you want to know any more about what I’ve been through, don’t hesitate to ask. I am still around because I promised myself I would pay it forward.
So, let’s roll up our sleeves and get to gettin’. When this first happened to me, I blamed myself completely. I had gotten very small throughout my marriage. I am not going to blame my xh because I am responsible for my feelings. I allowed him to make me feel less than.
You chose to stay home and raise your children. To me, there is no greater or more important job than that. Please don’t allow your husband’s words to ever let you forget that. When we do that, we often get lost. We throw ourselves deeply into making our children’s lives as rich as we can. We forget to take care of us.
That doesn’t mean that you have nothing of importance to share. It doesn’t mean that the ow is any smarter than you are. It just means that you took a different path, one that I am sure brought you great joy and fulfillment. Celebrate that, Joss. Don’t let him make that any less important than it is by his words or actions. Own your truth.
You lost your way a bit. Not because you aren’t capable or smart, but, because you loved your children and wanted what was best for them.
But the reality is that it is important for us to find a balance and it’s important for your children to see that. You matter, too, Joss.
So, tuck your marriage safely away in a box for now. He needs to figure himself out and you need to let him. It’s the only way he will get through this.
Dbing will seem counterintuitive to you at first. But you need to put the focus on you and your kids. Leave him to his journey and you walk yours.
Joss- glad you have found this board but sorry you are in this situation. I am a little over a year post BD and have very limited contact with my H.
I too stayed at home for many years. I work FT now and that has brought new challenges and rewards. I think my D's have been strong through all of this because of my time at home.
I wish I had found this site earlier but the more I start to understand MLC the more I realize that DBusting could not have prevented my H from choosing to leave. Don't try to to analyze because you can't rationalize the irrational. Just know that here you will find support, wisdom and the refuge you need from this emotional roller coaster.
Hang in there.
Thanks for your kind response uRworthy. It was timely as I am having a couple of off-days. Have been very down thinking how alone I feel at times, and how bleak the future looks without complete family. I know H is not having any kind of fun, despite still being with OW. He told me 3 years ago that wherenver he's with her he's reminded cr$p life has become. Pity he didn't think to change it.
I am trying to get a life, make plans and get involved in things. I have plans tonight and over the weekend. I am trying to fit a lot in before the kids get back from MILs next Tue.then it's back to school for the 3 of them. That'll leave plenty of time to ruminate!
it gives the best chance of saving a marriage.
I think this is especially true for me. In the past 2 weeks of being on my own, I have done a lot of thinking and I realise we haven't done anything as a couple since the kids were born. It's no wonder we are in this mess. WE have never had family local to babysit and because our middle child is slightly autistic, I have never wanted a 'babysitters' to sit him. I would never be able to relax.
How do you spend your time outside work? What makes you happy now you have time to yourself?
You chose to stay home and raise your children. To me, there is no greater or more important job than that.
I completely agree with you. But I did lose my identity. That's not good. I am trying to get it back now by doing things I really enjoy.
So, tuck your marriage safely away in a box for now. He needs to figure himself out and you need to let him. It’s the only way he will get through this.
Thank you for your lovely kind words uRworthy. It means a lot.
Can I ask if you are still open to reconciliation if the time came? or has there been too much water under the bridge?
Happiness to you.
Joss
123gwen
Thanks for your support and enouragement. It is good to hear from others in the same situation as oneself. You are still new to this - I will check out your thread to find out where you're at.
I;m almost 5 years in and only now starting to GAL. I kicked H out 2.5 weeks ago due to his continuing liason with OW. I lost patience (and self respect) and wanted rid of the constant secrecy, deceit and lack of respect. I am ashamed I didn't do this 4.5 years ago, but with no headspace it was difficlut to see which direction to go in for the best
Thanks again.
Joss.
Hey Joss. First of all, no being ashamed of yourself for not making him leave sooner. Those kinds of feelings only weigh you down. Best to let go of the woulda, shoulda couldas.
We are all responsible for those things in the marriage that we did or didnt do. To me, though, it has to do with intent. I did not intentionally try to hurt him or the relationship. I've learned we do the best we can with the knowledge and tools we have at the time. When we know better, we do better.
I am actually on another part of my journey, trying to figure out what matters and what fills me up. I enjoy spending time with my family, writing, biking, volunteering, taking classes and traveling.
I stood for years, but, I am no longer interested in reconciling. He lives 6 hours away and has his own life as do I. We are very different people. I have changed a great deal, he hasn't. As I wrote, he is still deep in the tunnel. Not sure if he will ever get out. I hope he does and finds happiness or this was all in vain.
Another incredultous statement from H:
"I never wanted to leave you and the children." Said with a completely straight face, too.
Thanks H. Thanks for the truly magnificent honor of being 2nd in your life.
WHY CAN'T HE SEE HOW INSULTING THIS IS?
Another corker from last night: "Life is much better now I:m living alone as I got sick of your constant checking up on me."
So yet again it's my fault that I:m checking up on him? I:m so glad this is out of my life.
I got so much monster last night and the overall feelingthat came out of it is that he feels completely entitled to his girlfriend.
After 5 years of this I am still incredulous at the things he says.
Sorry for venting....
Hey Joss. Never apologize for venting. This is your safe place to do that. We all understand.
And to answer your question, no, he doesn't see how insulting his statement was.
In crisis, it is all about them..much like a teenager. In his mind, it is all your fault and you are the cause of his unhappiness. You see, if it's not you, then, it's him and they cant handle the idea of that.
It is not until or unless he looks inside that he realizes that's where the problem lies. That's hard work so it is easier to blame you.
May I ask how you handled his spew? It is best to validate when you can and leave the rest alone. The more you respond, the angrier he will get.
You know your truth and that's what matters.
So, how are the changes going? GAL, etc?
Thanks uRworthy. You sound nice and calm!
I handled his spew in completely the wrong way. I KNOW what i need to do but I just had to get it out last night. I was already on edge as we were about to tell the kids we were seperating - that's why he came over.
I threw it all at him. It's quite strange but I noticed that every single thing he said to me last night was patronising. I had nver realised that before.
Another thing he said "I never wanted to leave you and the children." (he;s been with OW for 5 years now). Said with a completely straight face.
Thanks H. Thanks for the truly magnificent honor of being 2nd in your life.
I find it incredulous that he can't see how insulting this is!!!
Another thing he said "I never wanted to leave you and the children." (he;s been with OW for 5 years now). Said with a completely straight face. shocked
But he was telling the truth! He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too! How dare you mess up his idyllic life? LOL
BTW - the response? "Well, I never wanted to share my husband with another woman for five years either."
BTW - the response? "Well, I never wanted to share my husband with another woman for five years either."
Yes kml He certainly got that response in no uncertain terms. I wish I'd stayed calm so he could actually hear what I was saying, but hey ho..... I did what I could in the highly stressed state I was in. We were just about to tell the kids that we were separating. But somehow that got put on hold again until tomorrow. This is exhausting.....
Just going over a few things in my head: H is having an afair with a married woman with 4 children.She is highly educated, just like him. They have both worked together for about 10 years, having an affair for 5 or those. She is married to a man who H works with! They 'seem' like a lovely family and are very active on facebook, regularly showing smily, happy family pics. She is definately not 'affair down' material.
This is what makes me think this may not be MLC. H has all the typical signs of MLC, like wanting to escape, depression and emptiness, yet he still seems caring, in that he wants me to succeed in my business and has supported me financially really well and I believe he will continue to do so, despite facing another round of redundancy at work.
He has told me many times that she is not 'the one', meaning they don't connect in the areas H is interested in, like music, film, etc., only in work related stuff so I think he is using this affair as an exit affair - ie. a way to leave our marriage. I don' think it bodes well for a happy ending!
Does anyone else have this experience with their MLCers?
Maybe this is why he proclaimed the other day that he has never wanted to leave me and the children. I had an email last night stating that he will continue to support us financially "until the bitter end" and maybe in order to enable him to stay, he needs a 'support'.
Is this MLC? I'm not so sure.....
Hi Joss. First of all, for me, telling my son was the hardest part in all of this. It's a day I will never forget.
I just want to tell you this; please make it a point to tell your h to honor an agreement not to badmouth each other when you are telling them. It is very important. You want them to have a relationship with their dad. It's your job not to bring harm to it. That is not to say you should lie, but, this is between you and your h and they don't need to know all the details.
Having said that, whatever happens regarding their relationship as a natural consequence of his decisions you have no control over. But their relationship is theirs to forge.
I know that people hope it is a MLC as they see a possible end to it. It's really important not to look at it in those terms because whether he is in crisis or not, it doesn't change what you need to do.
I want you to know there is always hope as long as you believe there is.
When I was going through this I felt this way; I wanted to be able to tell my son yes if he asked (and he did) whether I did everything I could to save my marriage. I wanted to be able to look back and see that I acted with honor, dignity and courage.
As far as the affair, remember this. She isn't the mother of his children. She doesn't share the memories of a relationship and a family.
Their relationship is built on lies and deceit. It is a house of cards they will tumble one day.
What matters is you. What matters is that you love enough to want to try to save your marriage. What matters is that you want the best for your family. Those are what are important...and she is not.
Here's the truth of it. He is unhappy. He needs to look inward to figure out why. He is on a journey he was meant to go on and he is the only one who could walk it.
You asked if there were other MLCers who acted as he is. Yes, there are. There is no one size fits all.
He seems to feel guilty some.
Though I know it's hard, but, the sooner you stop trying to figure out what things mean, the better off you will be.
Take this amazing opportunity to figure out you. Become who you were meant to be. Leave them to their ridiculousness.
Thanks uRworthy. Kind words. Calmly said. Perfect. x
Had an interesting exchange with H tonight while he was picking up the children to take them to his new place (SILs undecorated house 2 miles away).
Brief back-story: I am self employed, teaching children and adults how to cook and this week my business has gone a little crazy due to me massively expanding my facebook connections. H set up my website a couple of years ago, so he gets informed of any bookings I get (along with me). So tonight he commented on the amount of new bookings I have received this week and asked the reason for them. I told him. (I think he sees me as incompetent and unable to plan/excecute/organise as I have never worked in an office like him). In that moment I felt really proud of myself, that all of my efforts over the past 3 years are finally paying off. And this is since I have been on my own, having headspace to make things happen. Who'da thought it??? H noticed my confidence when talking about my work and I thope he is beginning to realise that I can achieve success (on my terms) without his constant
help and advice. I feel like I've finally come into my own a little bit. Yay me...
Additionally, we got to discussing the children and it became apparent that I had begun to discipline the kids and their behaviour a lot more since he's been gone. We have both know that their behaviour has been a little out of control and have tried (and failed many times) to control it, but with 2 parents, it is difficult. So I have been doing it alone, and it is working. The other day the kids were really nasty to each other and I gave them a warning and told them they'd lose their time on the playstation if they continued (usually I just shout at them, which changes nothing
). They continued fighting, and so lost their playstation rights. When H arrived tonight he asked me to pack the playstation to take to his new place and I said
no, they have lost that right until tomorrow. He was taken aback and asked where this new-found stance had come from. I just commented off hand that it was much easier to discipline the children with only one parent in the house and I;d appreciate it if he stuck to those rules. That felt good. Kinda like what I imagine feeling in control may feel like, if I can remember that far back.......
Discipline has been lacking in our house since his affair started 5 years ago.We have both been in our own heads andletting the children get away with things they shouldn't. This has had a detrimental effect on many areas of our lives, but most noticibly at dinnertimes. S14 is slightly autistic and he sees mealtimes
only as a re-fueling exercise. He literally pushes food down his throat and is finished before we have even sat down to eat. Quite disgusting actually. This has caused us a lot of stress over the past couple of years, to the point that we don't want to sit and eat together as a family. (In fact H described me and the kids as his car crash family to his mother a couple of months ago!!!) Charming....
Well tonight,the children and I had a great chat over dinner. (I let S14 shovel his food down - remembering to control only what was mine to control).They were adorable, and really fun to be with. They chatted together and made references to their shared high school experience (usially they just fight and bitch with one another). Of course the homour was very base (groan...) but we all had fun, with lots of hilarity.
D15 mentioned what fun we had had at dinner and gave H an in depth run down of the happenings. When H was leaving with the children he turned to me and commented:
it seems that everyone is getting on fine without me He seemed really upset and became distant. I said nothing and proceeded to get the kids organised for their evening with their father.....
All in all, H was made aware that life most definately goes on without him. I showed a confident side of me that hasn't been out for a while and this felt good.
It's amazing what we see when we let the fog clear and start focusing on ourselves and our children, isn't it?
I don't really care what your h may be becoming aware of. What matters to me is what you are.
So, good on you about your business taking off, getting the children reined in some and most of all..feeling good about yourself.
Keep going, sweetie.
Thanks for your suport uRworthy. Much needed at this time.
x
H has just come by to pick up the kids to take them out for the day. I find myself unable to look at him. I have seen too much of what he does in his 'secret' life that I just can't bring myself to look at him.
Does anyone know if this is likely to last? I don't want to be like that.
Hi joss
Just saw your post on huddy's thread and read what you said about not staying in the house and that you did this for over 4 years ...I am in a similar position to Him and I am currently staying in the same house but this is mostly because I am weak and cannot bring myself to sell going to read your sitch
Take care
Ghost
HI Ghost56. Yes, I stayed in the same house as H for 4.5 years. It took my that long to feel strong enough to ask him to leave and now I know I should have done it in the beginning. However, I was a much weaker person then - much more dependant than I am now. I don't ask H for ANYTHING anymore. If the computer is broken I go to a shop or ask someone else. I DON'T GO TO HIM. I feel a lot more empowered and in control of myself and my emotions because I don't have the constant reminder of what he has done to this family. I actually feel very sorry for him for all that he's lost; everything that he held dear to him has been taken away from him. But I know that he has taken each and every step to get to the sh!t he's in now. Still, he has the OWs support (haha) for what that's worth!!!
I saw him last night as he babysat the kids while I worked. I came home, said hi and went to do the washing up in the kitchen. I feel he is a complete stranger to me. I:m not sure if that's just what complet e detatchment is, or if I actually don't like him anymore.Whatever it is, I feel much more like the me that I used to know.
I hope you manage to reach this stage. It takes a whole lot of time, and at he end of the day, if one changes nothing, nothing will change!
You'll know when you are at the point of wanting to be free. It was incredibly clear to me. And I have never wavered in that decision.
take care of you. Will catch up on your sitch.x
Joss
just read your first thread Ghost56 and it is EXACTLY my sitch.this is uncany:
My name is Gary and 3 weeks ago my wife of 17 years and partner of 25 years has told me that she wants to separate
She has told me that for so long she has been feeling so lonely and that I have not been there for her when she needed me
3 years ago we were at the point of separation over the same issues and managed to get back together
Over the years my wife has tried to talk to me but I never really listened and now I feel that it is too late.
I love her with all my heart and cannot imagine not being with her..... My wife feels much resentment towards me
Will read the rest later as late for work....
A few rambling updates; it's now been 5 weeks since I;ve been on my own with the kids and I must say, it's been really nice. I've started doing all kinds of GAL things that I used to enjoy years ago: meditation classes, wine tasting, lots of movies and am planning a trip to India for 3 weeks over Xmas alone.... I can't wait. I really feel the need to be by myself now: I've never been alone in all my life and now realise how crazy that is. I've never had the chance to grow into myself and be the person I'm meant to be.
Another positive: my business has been going really well these past couple of weeks and H is certainly noticing. (He gets notified of all my bookings as he built the website for me). It' s great that this has happened since I left H. Being alone has really focussed me and instead of getting views/opinions/advice from him concerning all aspects of my business, I now just do it to my specifications and it;s working!!!
I don't see much of H when he comes over to see the kids 3 times a week. I leave him to it with the kids. I say hi and answer a couple of his questions (mostly about my business) and I'm always upbeat (it's amazing what a bit of seperation and headspace does!) then I go and watch a film, do more work or read in my bedroom. It 's nice how we both keep away from each other . I ask him to babysit for me so I can go out and do things, but I don't tell him where I:m going and he doesn't ask.
MIL has told me H hasn't told any of his siblings we've seperated yet. Not sure why this is. Does anyone know if this is normal in MLC?
joss x
joss,
You are a new poster, so I'm going to share something with you...we aren't allowed to post links to other forums. Your posting will most likely be censored in the very near future and that link will be removed.
We are fortunate to have this forum and yes, it's a free site for us to post to, but this also is a lead in to Michele's business of coaching, speeches, books, cds, etc.
Links to rules of this Board:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=boardrules&v=1
Sorry job. Message understood.x
No need to apologize. I wanted to make sure you knew so that you weren't put back on moderation for something you weren't aware of.
I've been AWOL for a couple of months. I've not been in a good place, actually. But I think I need to get back on track.
UPDATES
H and I are still separated (4 months now) and we rarely speak, other that about the kids.I think that is more down to me. I have shut him out. I have been so hurt that I have completely pushed him away from me.This obviously doesn't help us move forward at all. I get the feeling that I am going about things in the completely wrong way after reading reading CaliGuy's thread from the beginning.
I would like some advice on how to re-open communication with him. He is giving me the impression that he wants to remain friends (he asks me to go to his new house for tea with the kids, and he is always offering his help with my business), but knowing he has OW has always put me completely off that (cake eating).
A few weeks ago he moved into a nearby apartment (300m away from our home) which has worked out very well.The children can go to his house whenever they like (he has given me times for them to go round).He has asked me a couple of times to come over with the children to eat with him but I have always declined. I get too hurt in his company, and being in his new place I don't think I:d be comfortable over there. I don't know if this is a good move or not (not being able to go over to eat with them), or whether I am pushing him further and further away from me??? Can anyone help me with this?
In an interaction with him a couple of weeks ago he mentioned to me that I don't listen to him, and that I always think I 'know' the answer to everything. I think he was alluding to his affair, that I think I know the reason for it. He is correct. He has told me all along that she wasn't 'the one', that he didn't love her and that she was just a symptom of his problems. But I didn't believe him. I was unable to listen. It is difficult to know how much to believe.
I need to know if I should ask him directly about this (me not listening): to ask him to expand on it to find out what he means in more depth? I am quite happy to email him to ask him (the least emotional route to finding out). Or should I wait to see him and ask him in person?
Last week I noticed he had joined an online dating site (I found out as he accidentally put the names and times of 2 of his dates for last Sunday in our 'joint' gmail calendar (containing details of our commitments with the kids). I immediately deleted his calendar from mine as I don't want to know the ins and outs of his dating regime. Because I don't talk/communicate with him at all these days he is searching for a connection in another (again). I know he doesn't' want to get divorced and he has told me he'd like to make things work with me (but he doesnt' know how) but it is obvious that I am not helping him come to me.
I am just about to start DB and have ordered DR to help me along, but some concrete advice would be really helpful at this time.
Thank you in advance. Joss
Hi Joss -
Really nice job in realizing that you don't listen to him sometimes. Active listening is a really very hard thing to do, especially when you're hurt, going through crisis, etc.
But now y can change it. Don't announce it, just start doing it. Instead of thinking about your reply or what you are hurt about, just listen. And if it is upsetting or you need time, just say that you want to really take some time to think about what he's said, that you really want to understand.
Michele's veery best technique is Real Giving. Active listening is one of those things that fall under real giving. You don't lose anything in doing so, either.
You did something right
Thanks sgctxok. It sometimes takes a lot of space to notice the things you do wrong.
Can you tell me where I can find more info the Real Giving/Active listening. I:ve just looked in the books but can't find anything there. I definately need to do some work on that area.
Thanks in advance, and Happy (belated) Christmas!
No kidding.
I'll look it up and post it.
It's in Divorce Remedy on pages 53-54 in the paperback. It's in the chapter 'Start with a Beginner's Mind.' It's a small section, but very important.
I think it may be talked about in Keeping Love Alive as well. I need to listen again
.
Wow, sgctxok. thanks for your prompt reply. Got it. Much appreciated. x
You're welcome! I just happened to be in the area
sg
Joss
try to keep expectations low
if you want to become friends and work on some changes do them for you
He will notice,,and its a place to start
but it will most likely take time especially if it is a real MLC
The changes you make will be part of you forever, so if you have not been a great listener you can practice validating him
but also have your own life gal
work on finding new activities
try to not focus it all on him
if the new behavior brings him closer great
but if he is continuing to date online, you may want to also allow him to know what his life will be like without you
he can't have it both ways
but In my opinion its a start to see if anything will move in direction of reconciliation ..if not you can always change behavior again
good luck
Thanks for your input peacetoday.
I don't think I can be 'just' friends with him. I'd like to be able to, but I guess I'm not 'big' enough. I'm too hurt.
I have no idea how to get beyond the hurt.
I have been looking at some 'active listening' info so I hope to be able to put that into play when I return home tomorrow (Iv'e been spending christmas week in self-imposed isolation in a caravan in my favourite place in the UK. The kids have been with H and his siblings/mum. It has been very peaceful; just what I needed ).
A quick update: H was away for 5 days just before christmas. He went with his mum and siblings to a place where we went together, and he sent me an email from there saying how he is reminiscing about
our great time there and how he
Feels rather sad to remember what great times we used to have, and so many.Mx
I was a little taken aback, to tell the truth as I didn't understand why he felt the need to tell me this. He has been telling me (over hte past few years) how we have grown apart (being involved in a 5 year affair with a colleague will do that, of course.)I have always thought we had great times. I responded simply with 'Yes, it is sad'. I noticed that this was the first time in over a year that he signed his name (initial) with a kiss, like he always used to (and like I noticed he did when communicating with OW).
Over the past week (since I;ve been away) I have received a couple of emails from him , one of which on christmas day he said;
To tell you the truth, I'm finding the prospect of this Xmas hard and it would be easier to be alone myself...
and another saying:
Hope you're having a nice time. We're missing you. Xmas is still for families. The kids loved their gifts. Thank you for doing all of that. Mx
I have no idea where his head's at. Why did he say Christmas is still for families??? I KNOW THIS
and if it wasn't for his affair, we'd still be together as a family. He has always claimed he's never wanted a divorce, and since I threw him out of our home 4 months ago (for continued EA with work colleague)I think he thinks I hate him. I am wondering if he has jumped onto the dating sites because he thinks I don't want him back and he wants to find a connection with someone. I have no idea if his affair partner is still in the picture.
Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. I just wanted to get it written down. If anyone can read any meaning into these jumbled emails from H I;d be happy to hear them. I am really confused.
Hope you all are having a peaceful festive season. joss x
Joss
It definitely sounds like further investigation is needed
Are you sure he is in MLC
maybe he would consider counseling..
I think it may be a good idea to practice some active listening and see where his head is at
be the person you want to be and practice that with him
listen and validate ..put your hurt aside for a little bit at least with him
you can talk all you want to therapist about it
be careful the friends you share with and many people unknowingly will influence you to not try
It may take some time but if he is not in MLC and he never wanted the Divorce your chances are probably better if he will consider counseling
I do not know your full situation but it sounds like he had an affair and you asked him to leave
the affair is over? and he is online dating
the emails are confusing,,sounds like he has regret
he knows you are serious to throw him out
I would investigate further but please keep expectations low
He may have an issue with being Faithful and an addiction so even if its not MLC
he still has to be willing to let the other dates go
Are you sure he is in MLC
I think so. He's been wanting to escape for years now, and became so distant over the past year, saying we'd grown apart (news to me), not wanting to spend any time with me, being angry often (very unusual for him), losing all connection with his friends, and his emotional affair with co-worker for 5 years (not usre if it's gone to PA now???)
maybe he would consider counseling..
have tried that but it failed as he thought the councelor and I were ganging up on him (his guilt, i presume?)
I think it may be a good idea to practice some active listening and see where his head is at
This is my next plan. It seems quite difficult, but I'm sure with practise it can be achieved.
but if he is not in MLC and he never wanted the Divorce
I don't know, but I don't think he ever wanted a divorce because being without the kids is the worst possible scenario for him. As a child, his dad worked abroad most of the year, only coming back at christmas and in the summer for a couple of weeks (from when he was 5)so he feels that he doesnt' want the kids to be without their father figure. It is my guess, but I know how big a place in his heart and mind 'family' plays.
I do not know your full situation but it sounds like he had an affair and you asked him to leave
Yes. It started 5 years ago with a work colleague. I have seen lots of messages from each of them over the years, and when I was another note written by him to send to her in the summer (after he'd told me it had been over for 8 months) I aksed him to eave. I had had enough of the bullsh1t. I have no idea if it is over now. I rarely see him. He recently got an apartment near the family home so the kids can go and see him whenever they like.
Yes, i believe so, although he hasn't told me but he accidentally put the names of 2 girls (and meeting times) in our shared computer calendar instead of his own private calendar
the emails are confusing,,sounds like he has regret
I;m afraid I'm not in the least interested in regret. I;m sure he regrets, but he know what he was doing, after being 'caught' MANY times over the past 5 years. I don't care that he has regret.
he knows you are serious to throw him out
Yes. It is easier living alone than with a person who lies and deceives me every day.
He may have an issue with being Faithful and an addiction
this has never been an issue in the preceding 20 years of our relationship.
He was made redundant from a job he LOVED 5 years ago (where he worked with OW) and so he feels he's a failure. This is the rood of his MLC, i think.
Thanks for your insight peacetoday. Much appreciated. Joss
Joss....
I can't imagine the pain of living with his ongoing affair for 5 years. I want to tell you right now that you absolutely did the right thing by booting him out.
You can see that he is struggling with the reality now...something he never had to do before, while he was having his cake and eating it too.
You have been the rock, keeping things together at home and facing the challenges of raising an autistic child along with your other two. He is the weak one who had to go outside the marriage for excitement when the going got tough.
Take advantage of this time to find yourself again. I get the feeling that your H has beat you down with his criticism of you. Know that his affair had nothing to do with your"flaws" and everything to do with his weaknesses.
Now...IF you think you want him back, you can give him a roadmap of how to get there. But don't sell yourself short. If he really wants back, he will do the work. So far it sounds like you're getting words but no actions.
And you know what? You don't have to take him back if you don't want to. Yes, this has elements of MLC. But continuing the affair for FIVE YEARS while he knew that you knew and were hurt by it? That reflects a certain underlying lack of character.
Take a close look at who your H really was before the affair. You may be surprised at what you see.
What I've learned (after my ex's affair, a successful DB reconciliation, his MLC a few years later and our ultimate divorce) is that my ex always had narcissistic traits that I accommodated and didn't recognize.
You are under no obligation to reconcile unless YOU think it is the best thing for YOU.
Also...a word about the kids. I understand doing everything you can to save the marriage for the kids sake....that's certainly what I did. But don't assume your kids would be happier if you reconciled now. My ex and I never separated when he had the affair, but I learned later that the kids were very anxious during those next few (good) years, they were waiting for the other shoe to drop. So now that you and H have separated, don't assume that the kids would be better off if you reconciled.
The very best thing you can do for your kids is to model strength, optimism, moving forward. My kids definitely benefited from my example of resilience, it helped them feel like they could survive it too.
Hi KML. Thanks for giving me a bit of feedback and words of enqouragement- regarding throwing my husband out after his EA for 5 years. I'm glad I did it, but now I think he thinks I did it because I hate him and am glad to be rid of him (I am glad to be rid of the heartache and stress, but of course I wish it could have been different!)
Now...IF you think you want him back, you can give him a roadmap of how to get there.
I'm not sure what 'a roadmap' for this situation would even look like. I would be very interested to hear what you advise??? I am aware that if he wants me back, he has to do all of the work. After all, he knows where to find me!
So far it sounds like you're getting words but no actions.
I'm not even getting any words. Just a few reminiscing thought as to how we used to be.
Yes, this has elements of MLC. But continuing the affair for FIVE YEARS while he knew that you knew and were hurt by it?
Yes, this is difficult for me to come to terms with, however I did enable it. sigh....
I am sorry to hear about your situation. HOw long did that all go on for? It sounds quite drawn out, too. It's unbelieveable what we have to put up with, isn't it?
I don't recognise any narcisistic traits from pre affair, but I am learning to recognise a lot of things over time (and with headspace) so who knows what I;ll realise somewhere down the line). Thanks for the heads-up, though.
regarding the kids; it seems to be working well at the moment in that they can go around to his apartment by themselves whenever they want, so that has seemed to lessen the devestation for them (I think?). Again, time will tell....
many thanks. joss
Brief timeline of my sitch:
H seduced by old crush the night before our wedding. Carries on secret correspondence with her first 6 mos. Remorseful when discovered and our relationship seems solid.
16 years and 3 kids into the marriage, ex has an affair with a temp coworker. This only lasts a few months as affair is quickly discovered, affair partner figures out he lied about the state of his marriage and she moves to a new assignment in another city.
I DB my butt off, do careful self inventory, make changes, marriage reconciled and we actually have several excellent years.
H approaches 50, has career setback, last 2 of 6 concussions just 2 weeks apart, and asks for divorce. (In retrospect I suspect flirtations or casual affair at that time).
We divorced, he dated for a few months then met 33 y.o. to whom he is now married (I'm grateful she is not an OW). I dated for a few years then met tall, dark and handsome BF who treats me like a princess. 7 years since we split, afyer 26 years together.
What I've seen since: there may have been other flirtations or infidelities that I didn't know about. We always did what HE wanted, and he devalued my interests. He was more concerned with how I, and the kids, made HIM look. He could never be satisfied, I was never thin enough (even when underweight!) or athletic enough, and he always had a chip on his shoulder that he thought I was smarter than him (really, equivalent intelligences, just differing types).
Luckily I am pretty confident so his crticisms didn't destroy me like they might some.
I learned to play the drums when he left and now play in a pop punk band.
Best thing I learned in all of this- take risks and live fully.
kml
H seduced by old crush the night before our wedding.
Yuk. that is awful. It sounds like you are definately lucky to be rid of him. Do you still see him? Is he happily married?
If you could please give me some indication as to what my 'road map' should look like, I:d be very happy to hear it.
It's my wedding anniversary on the 31st Dec (in 2 days) and I am wondering what I should do/say to him if he mentions it in any way (ie. via card/email). I was wondering if a well aimed truth dart would be appropriate?, like; why are you celebrating a wedding anniversary with one person, yet having an affair and dating others at the same time? I don't want to sound bitter, but I would like to mention the discrepancy.
thanks for listening! joss
A roadmap might include things like :
Complete transparency (giving you access to phone records and email passwords)
Dating and wooing you
Him getting individual counseling
Him attending a 12 step program if appropriate (they have ones for sex and love addiction which may or may not fit him, or for alcohol if her drinks etc)
Not moving back in together for at least a year (so he can demonstrate fidelity)
Completely cutting ties with OW and doing so in front of you
As for ex - he seems happily married so far - she seems sweet (remember, she's not an OW, she came later) if very little-girlish. I feel kinda sorry for her, but hope she will care for him in her old age. Their carefree life is starting to become more serious though - her mother died this year and her father is apparently coming to live with them for a while.
I know a lot of people here long to hear those words, that they regret the divorce. I really DON'T want to hear that from my ex - I would rather he go happily along his way, and treat our kids better because of it, than turn into the depressed guy who realizes what he messed up. I have a clean conscience that I did everything possible to save my marriage, and I definitely don't want him back in my life at this point.
I like KML roadmap
I think you will know if he is serious or he just wants to keep his foot in the door
It will take a lot for him to really turn his life around at this point
I think there a a rare few who will go to any lengths to get x back
but halfway measures may not get you a committed R and may bring you back to where you just left
as you said, you are not interested in just being friends…so your will be able to figure it out fairly quickly
Hello Joss,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
It seems like you have embraced detaching and GAL. Good for you! Your wedding anniversary on 12-31 needs to be handled very carefully.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Joss - I am so glad you are focusing on yourself and your relationship with the children. It seems like your H is reacting not reflecting on the situation. The best gift you can give yourself is to be completely focused on your life and your happiness in your family. It is hard to accomplish this task on a daily basis but it is truly the only way you can rise above the muck.
Thanks kml for your roadmap. We are
nowhere near that point. I think my H just wants to remain friends with me.
The correspondence I get from him simply tell me that he is sad for the way things turned out for us. There is no sense of him having understood that his affair caused the problem in our marriage.
Naturally, I am unable to remain his friend under these circumstances; friends don't hurt each other like that, and they certainly aren't secretive and deceptive with each other.
I think you will know if he is serious or he just wants to keep his foot in the door
It will take a lot for him to really turn his life around at this point
In my situation, I don't feel he's trying to keep his foot in the door, peacetoday. I think he has just resigned himself to the fact that our marriage is over (due to our 'growing apart' over the years (not mentioning his affair, of course)) and he is now focussing on a new life without me (hense the dating sites). He sends me emails/texts on 'special days' to say he's thinking of what we had, but not that he wants a renewed relationship with me.
Regarding 'turning his life around'. I
do think he is heading in that direction. He seems to be putting a lot of effort into setting up his own business (which he's wanted for about 10 years) so that is definately a positive for him.
123Gwen thanks for your kind words. I am trying to put my family centre stage. They are the only ones that matter now.
Regarding my wedding addiversary: I've just had a text from h saying "Another sad day. I hope you are OK". So this just confirms what I said above about him recognising special days and saying how sad it all is. Nothing more, Nothing less.
thanks for listening, kind friends. x
So I sent H a Happy New Year text at 11.50 last night and he returned the text with X. No message. I thing this tells me a lot about where he's at.
Tomorrow (jan 2nd) is the 2 year anniversary of when his dad died. He has just been over to pick up a picture of his dad. When he'd left, I called him and invited him around for dinner tomorrow as I don't like the thought of him being alone on that day. I don't know if he'll accept my offer. He said he'd get back to me. I am feeling kindness is the only way through this. I dont know if this is more for his benefit or mine, but I feel it's the right thing to do.
Ooops, I forgot to wish all a Happy New Year. May 2016 be happy and filled with kindness, and may our partners find happiness in whatever they decide is best for them. Cheers. x
I've just had the most bizarre conversation I've ever had in my life:
H texted earlier to ask the kids (and me) over for tea tonight and asked if pasta with tomato sauce was OK?
I replied:
Pasta is fine. Do you need cheese bringing? [he's been away for the past 2 weeks and I know he won't have had time to go shopping as yet]
Thank you for your kind offer for me to attend for dinner but it's best that I don't come as it will be too painful for me to be in your new apartment with all your stuff that used to be here. It's too sad for me. I hope you can come here tomorrow though [tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of his dad's death], as I don't want you being alone. But please do as you wish.
I hope you understand. x
And his response:
Absolutely unbelieveable. So I still don't know if he's going to grace us with his presence tomorrow. I'm not going to ask him again, though.
Was it something I wrote?? Where did I go wrong???
Well, apparently H IS coming over for tea tomorrow night. My son has just told me (he's been at Hs for tea tonight). When will I get told, I wonder. This is such bizarre behaviour lol
joss,
It's not you...it's him. You have to retrain your brain so that you can remember he's not the man you married. He's going to be the exact opposite of that person, i.e., mirror image. He's going to act like a teenager, say things that are off the wall and his behavior is going to be that of someone you wouldn't want to have around. In fact, your children will be more mature than he is.
Keep the expectations at zero because he'll say he's going to do something and then he won't.
Hang in there!
Thanks for that reminder, job. I do know this, but it's quite strange how H can talk to me about my business in a normal way, giving advice/help etc as he has always done, yet act like a child at other times. I have noticed his childlike behaviours. He definately seems like a little boy at times, a very sad and scared little boy.
I was sad today that he didn't wish me a Happy New Year. Not because I needed/wanted to hear it from him, but because I could see he couldn't actually say it. That is so sad.
Well, just had my first encounter with H this morning. He's on the way to take a trial ice skating class. Apparently he asked Father Christmas for some classes but didn't get them. I have no idea where this idea has come from. He has really bad knees and a bad back, and the only time we've ever been ice skating he's ended up sitting on the ice the whole time. He's always refused to go on the ice whenever the kids have had a party there, so this is a strange thing to want to try. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact I have been taking 2 of the kids there each week since mid-November as they both love it. Maybe someone can see some connection there?
Anyway...... today is the anniversary of H's dads death, 2 years ago. So when he turns up this morning, I was in the garden lighting the shrine candle, as I usually do on the anniversaries and birthdays of those who've passed. H didn't come in the house, just sat in the car waiting for the kids to be ready. When the kids got in the car, I went out and whispered 'Are you all right?', obviously meaning in regards to his dad. He scoffed at me, not saying a word, as if to say what do you care? In my head I'm thinking that this behaviour is a reference to him still blaming me for throwing him out. Anyway, I gently put my hand on his shoulder (he was sitting in the car) and kneeded it a little for about 2 seconds, and then he moved forward to get away from my touch, pretending to put the car into gear.
So that was that. I am not taking any of this personally. I am detatched, but feel his pain and lonliness so much and he seems so trapped. Should I be feeling all of this it I'm detatched? I don't know.
He still hasn't told me if he's coming here for dinner tonight or what time he'll return with the kids today . I guess if he comes, he comes, but I don't imagine he will.
Will post more later, I'm sure! It's still only 10am here, so we can fit a lot more drama into today, I'm sure......
MLCers will experiment w/different things during their crisis. Ice skating appears to be on his list. Maybe as a child he wanted to learn and didn't have the time or money to do so. Also, it could be that he sees his children having fun and wants to try it. I wouldn't put too much thought into it because it's probably a passing interest.
Your h knows that you care and he also knows what the date means. He probably doesn't want to think and/or talk about it because it reminds him of his own mortality clock ticking.
It will be interesting to see if he shows up for dinner or if he just drops the kids off.
Enjoy your day!
Joss
I would consider detaching more from him
You have made it pretty clear that you care
even in detachment, they can come closer if that is what they want
In your text earlier, you mentioned your pain in regards to his new home and I believe these guys can read between the lines…
I like the idea of kindness and yes if you can practice this while detaching and creating your own life that is great…
so I guess Im saying I like your caring and authentic behavior toward him but at this point I would practice detaching more
yes I too would be interested to see if he accepts offer and what kind of behavior he brings to table
Hi job. I think the ice skating is merely a tool to allow him to spend more time with his kids. His dad wasn't around much when he was growing up (he worked abroad to make money for his family to go to boarding school) so I think he wants to be 'around' for his kids, something he missed out on.
H is coming tonight. I am making a couple of his dad's favourite dishes (as I always do on these occassions) and that is always nice. I've had a couple of shots to help me relax lol Who know what events the evening holds..........
Sorry I missed your post, peacetoday. I think you are right. I do need to detach more.
H
did come over last night. He was in great form with S9 and both their faces lit up when H showed S9 his youtube channel (with old vidoes of the kids on there)!!! When it came to interacting with the other 2 older kids and me it was less relaxed. S14 is slightly autistic (and has OCD) and has a couple of bad habits at the moment which H couldn't believe I let him get away with. He even said he's glad he doesn't havve to be around that all the time, which I thought was nasty. H's face was all screwed up for a good 40 seconds as this was happening, like he was disgusted with his son. (it reminded me of a teenager's response).But I didn't say anything. I just calmly asked S14 the next time he did the habit if he could go out and do it elsewhere, which he did. It has not gone unnoticed (by me) that this habit is exacerbated with stress.
Throughout dinner, H was extoling the virtues of his new fitbit he got for christmas, so that kept him talking for a good 10 minutes. I felt rather redundant, and I didn't have anything much to contribute to the conversation (stress caused me to clam up a little), and I couldn't think of anything else to talk about.
Luckily there was a nature program on TV when we had finished eating so H just spaced out in front of that, making it difficult for me to penetrate his silence. He left at 9pm after claiming he was feeling a little ill.
(as it turns out, I pursued the 'ill' thing the day after this exchange and with much pushing on my part, I managed to get out of him that he is having chest pains (due to the inordinate amount of stress he is under - he is trying to set up his own training business while also working full time in a job he detests, and is expecting redundancy any time soon. The pressure he is under, (having to make enough money for us all to live on (in 2 seperate properties) /pay the bills is pulling him under and I really fear for his health). He won't except any financial help from me (I am on a very low income and trying to build up my business) but I may have to force him to accept my help, by not taking his monthly payments for living expenses. (He already additionally pays the monthly bills by direct debit). This predicament is dreadful to watch. On top of this one of his uncles had a stroke (due to stress) 3 years ago that has left him partially paralised and unable to do simple tasks and I know this is a lot on H's mind (and mine). I simply don't know what to do for the best and am hoping this is not the fate left for my husband.
Sorry to end on such a glum note. I am really fearful for the future.....
joss,
You can't rescue him. He's got to do this himself. If he's having chest pains and they get bad enough, he'll take himself off to the doctor's. I don't want to sound cold, but some of the pressure that he's experiencing is brought on by his actions. Depression is also in play here and yes, it can create a lot of issues w/the health of the individual experiencing it.
Yes, it's dreadful to watch them spiral out of control and burn themselves out mentally, physically, emotionally and financially, but it has to be done in order for them to face the consequences of their actions. He needs to figure things out for himself.
It's nice that you want to help him out in some fashion financially, but you are going to have to watch out for yourself and your son. Right now, it's very important that you take care of you and your child and that means ensuring that you have enough money to do so.
Again, it's nice that you want to help your runaway, but he's got to figure things out for himself. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him nor be his "mom". He's got to do this on his own.
When in doubt, do nothing. I'm sorry that you have to watch his spiraling, but please, do not allow him to drag you down into the rabbit hole w/him. Keep the focus on you and your child.
Joss
Sorry for all you are going through
Im sorry you H could not be there for all the kids
I would comfort and want to make sure I am there for the kids and let them know it is no way their fault..their dad is in a crises I just would not want your autistic child to feel he did something wrong..he is going through enough..
,,I would protect the kids first
.H is grown and he will have to face the consequences and chances are this is just the beginning of them--
as for your H, remember this is a business deal,,
My XH also had sudden High blood pressure during our D and separation and yes it was scary
You have children to raise and you really don't know what H would spend money on if you gave it
I wouldn't offer..instead I would make sure you will be taken care of
seek legal advice just to get the facts. You don't have to do anything
but knowledge is power
hang in there..and please take care of yourself
you are doing a great job holding it all together-
Great advice job and peacetoday. If in doubt, do nothing. And that is what I've done..........Keep out of his business. Keep away from him as much as possible.
I am reading a book called Co-dependant no more and what an eye opener!!! It describes me, to a T. Always there. Always dependable. Always wanting to fix everything and everyone. At least I know now. Another thing to change lol
Love Melonie Beattie
There is a 12 step program called Codependents anonymous (CODA)
meetings online and in every state and probably worldwide
Thanks for that peacetoday. Just booked myself into a meeting on Monday night 1 mile from my house!
Hi Joss - good for you! Reading your post reminded me I want to read that book, so I ordered it too. I'll be interested to hear how you get along in the group too.
Just FYI, I'm also in the UK and just finished doing a Divorce Recovery Workshop, which was helpful and has a post-workshop social scene too. When I looked into doing this, I noticed they have a group in Wilmslow that organise workshops too. Just mentioning to you for possible future reference - though I hope your sitch doesn't go the way of mine, of course.
Take care my friend xx
Thanks for that sotto. Will take a look. Sorry your sitch didn't work out. Will take a look at your thread.
In the couple of times I:ve seen H since New Year I realise I have absolutely no idea who he is. He is not someone I recognise. I have no desire to spend ANY time with him. This scares me.
I am currently trying to work out if I love him anymore, or if I am just remembering what he used to represent to me. Any ideas how you find this out?
I feel nothing towards him. I don't even know if this is good or bad. I do know I have NO DESIRE to put up with any sh1t anymore. It seems like I:m done. I don't even have any anger left towards him. Now that is new!