Turns out... things aren't so great with my dad. Not sure what to do at this point. Sad. Disappointed. Aggravated.
I feel badly for my mom. She is a strong woman, but does not deserve this. And I love my dad. I have compassion for him. But, I just wish it weren't so difficult.
Xh texted d14 this afternoon again and asked her to go see his mom. It appeared that he was less aggressive with d14. He is seriously like a child.
Anyway, she said she was sorry, but couldn't go bc she was going to a dance recital. He asked if it was hers.
She hasn't danced in a year.
Geesh.
Mighty,
I am very sorry to read about your dad. Do you know what prompted him to fall off the wagon? Did something stressful happen? Your mother will figure out what she needs to do and she will support your dad in whatever way she can. The only thing you can do is be supportive in your dad getting the necessary help to get him back on track. He's the only one that can do something about his illness.
Your xh has got a real issue w/your D14 not wanting to go w/him to his mother's house. He doesn't get it that she 1) may not wish to go there; 2) she's got her own busy life to lead; and 3) she doesn't need to tell him if it's her dance recital or not...what matters is that she wants to attend.
He is facing some of the consequences for his actions and he doesn't get it...his children have lives and do not want to spend time w/him when he wants them to do so. He's going to have to work around their schedules a bit this summer (or so it seems).
Hi job!
I suspect thing got really difficult for my dad when xh left, which was right after my mom was battleing breast cancer. My dad and xh were very close. My dad was xh's father figure. My father was closer to xh then he was with my brothers!
They haven't spoken since Thanksgiving 2013. I know my dad tried to reach out to him a few times that winter. He was ignored. (I didn't know that until months later.)
My father is no longer working at his job. He still writes, but that is out of his home. He does woodwork jobs out of the home too.
But, I think he may suffer from some depression. I don't know. He's an old-school guy. He's a great guy.
Also, he is in a small country club to golf. I think there is a lot of drinking that goes on there, and he is around it a lot when golfing. It really the only social thing he does, out side of that, he pretty much stays in his barn doing things.
So, I don't know that it is something specific, or a culmination of things. I think there was a little dabbling going on around bd time. I think he may have pulled back, but now...
It's out of my hands. I don't even know if he is still drinking at this point, but he gets in moods where you don't know what's going on. So, I will just stay clear of that for now.
Anyway... yeah, xh will have to work around d14's sched. I think she looks for things to avoid seeing him, honestly. And... there's a lot of things "he doesn't get"!
Last summer the kids barley saw him, so this is nothing new. My kids were 12 & 16 when this all started. I think he still thinks they are the same age. He has missed soooo much. He has no idea what s18 is even doing next year. He does not know what activities they are in. He has no idea. He has missed a huge gap of their childhood. For what? It's pathetic.
He can blame me all he wants for his issues. It's not going to make his issues any better. He's so clueless. And as long as he has someone confirming to him that it is me... it will never change. She doesn't care. She does not want my kids around. She has never made any effort at all. Nothing. Hasn't even seen d14, and s18 once for a second. She bad mouths my kids, and she does not know them. Said, "They will be fine." and left it at that. The line to xh, "Don't let them ruin what we have here." When he was sad about the distance in his r with his kids. Nice.
And... yup... its my fault.
Why did I even go there today? Well, at least its with much less emotion. I'm still good.
Mighty,
Sounds like your dad may think he lost a really good friend when your xh went off to OZ. I can see where he would get depressed. As for the country club...yep, some of them do a lot of social drinking there. I do hope your dad can get back on track for his sake as well as for his wife and family.
Yep, your xh still thinks of the children being right where he left them when he landed in OZ. They don't realize how much time as gone by, nor do they always remember the ages of the children. It's very sad because he's lot so much in the way of life events and spending quality time w/them while they are still young adults. It's something he'll never be able to get back or have a "do over".
You sound good and I hope that things have settled down for you a bit. You've had some rocky rides and you and the children, both, need a smoother road for a while. I hope everything falls into place for your home renovations.
Might, be kind to yourself. Carve out some "me" time and do something special for yourself every once in a while. You need this in order to recharge your batteries.
Thank you, job. I appreciate it very, very much. Excellent description and perspective.
Unfortunately, he got to me tonight. I am pretty ticked off. Not like I used to be, but he can still get to me. And because it's my kid... it makes me nauseous.
I don't know the full extent, but all I need to know to be so disgusted.
Xh texted d14 and asked her to be honest, why is she distant. She said something along the lines of:
Because you got some ho pregnant and left us, lied and said you were coming back and left us again.
He told her that he has already told her that that it didn't work out with him and me. And she needs to move forward.
They went back and forth, but I'm not totally sure what was said. D14 let loose, that's what I know. Didn't have many nice things to say, but in it, was expressing the hurt of how he left us, pretty much high and dry, for a different family.
xh's comment... "Those sound like your mom's words."
Seriously.
Pissed.
Then he said something about, "your crazy mom"
I have bit my tongue... I have walked away... I have tried to be neutral... I have defended that baby, and even hww's first illegitimate child,
The r between xh and the kids FIRST started going sour when hww started controlling xh... before we even knew about her. She dictated how and when he saw the kids. And, he allowed it.
I talked to him then about it.. how he was handling things with the kids... and it was affecting the r.
That was the beginning. When he told the kids about his sitch, they flipped. I wasn't there. He acknowledged to them how messed up it was the first time.
So how is this all my fault?
OK, so now he has something on me. I'm crazy. OK. Whatever. I'd say human. Hurt. You know, running into the selfish, entitled skank who encouraged the demise of my family, had an affair with my h, got pregnant by my h, and spread a std, which I had to take time off from work for surgery, disrespected my children, and threw temper tantrums when my children's father spent time with his kids, and sorry if I said, "What up, homewrecker." I mean, that's the worst thing I could have done, supposedly.
And I am a bad guy. I'm crazy. OK, uR. They have something on me now.
I don't really care about all that. And I know it sounds ridiculous...
but the thing is... I am so over it at this point. I don't care anymore. I know he doesn't know that. And he probably wouldn't believe it. It's much easier to make me be crazy, insane, and pining for him... looking for revenge, which is why their life is so crazy... because of me. Yeah, right.
I don't wish him ill will. I really don't. I just want him out of my life. I don't want to have to deal with anything with him.
Why is he so angry with me? Why am I such a bad guy? How does he all of a sudden become even more delusional. I mean, he expressed so well how he realized how messed up it was, how she is clueless, and how he understands why I was upset... and that it would make anyone crazy. But, really? He totally has NO loyalty towards me at all now. What changed that? Here I am... in his head? I guess it is just so hard to believe....
Ignoring him for the past few months was probably frustrating to him. So, after Wall-gate... easy-peasy... good way to deflect.
Anyway, after this went down and d14 told me, I was soooo tempted to call him. To set it straight. That he needs to stop saying "it didn't work out" bc that is a lame cop-out. And that is the beginning... to tired to even continue with what I WANTED to say... but knew it was moot.
But I think what still gets to me these days is the fact that MY marriage was discussed between them. That they decided for our divorce. She pushed it. He filed. And, yet, that discussion was never had between my husband and me. My r was decided and discussed between them. It is just so disrespectful.
That's actually something I had thought about a few hours before all of this today... how badly they disrespected me. And that... I think I allowed him to... I think I, for sure, would have stood up to anyone who would disrespect me. Except him. I don't think I felt worthy of it, or valued myself enough. But who is he? What does he truly have to offer me? I will never give him power over me again. Wow, I'm taking, now, my earlier thoughts, and what happened w d14 and making them into something more.
I want to say to him, farewell... I don't wish him bad things. That I am not concerned about his choices anymore. (He really needs to get over himself.) But, I know he won't even hear that.
I just cant carry anymore of this. It is to much. To weighing. Too negative.
I had a really good afternoon, before that. And I would love to share that instead. I will not let him diminish those things for me anymore.
I heard d14 telling s18 about it when s18 got home from work. S18 said (while reading the text aloud), "Oh, 'I'm sorry you feel I lied to you,' so he isn't sorry for actually lying to you. He can't just say, 'I'm sorry I lied.'"
Ok, so I'm going to continue to carry on and do my thing. I'm not going to let it bring me down. But, I know that there will be some thoughts surfacing about what I feel I should say to xh. That I'm not that concerned about him anymore and he needs to get over it. Even in a nice way. But, I know it will go unheard. But it will be on my mind, I just know it.
Mighty,
I'm sorry you're hurting for D14. I know it's painfully unfair. You just received another ugly glimpse of where his head is at.
It helps me to gain some perspective when that injustice ball gets rolling in my head... Googling narcissism on psych c. or the old resource posts on here. It helps me to recalibrate by refreshing my memory about where his head is at... The reality of his head space. Just seeing how far out there he is, it helps me by validating the insanity and putting things into perspective.
Your ex sounds like a very angry, immature teen who feels the need to blame you to a teenage girl who is pouring her heart out. That's the harsh reality of who he is today.
Pull away from the temptation to focus on the insanity of what he is saying about you...a bunch of gassy blow designed to draw attention away from his own self-created chaos.
Focus instead on D14 who opened herself up, only to get bludgeoned again. She needs the calm, loving, steady Mighty. She's already got one wackadoo dad :-(
I support your plan of action. No good will come of his choices. They just won't.
Thanks heather. Those resources help me too. I do need to retouch them.
And I was just thinking, and so appreciate the reminder- be steadfast, calm, and loving for my kids. Was just thinking about writing them a letter.
Thank you. Needed that support tonight.
Xo
Still a little disheartened by yesterday. Frustrated I've now officially become the bad guy. Even during monster, there wasn't much finger pointing. Just mean as heck. Why I'm getting it now? Who knows?
I feel compelled to tell him to set me free as I have set him free, but I know it will be pointless. My words are comprehended to no avail.
I can't do much about how he feels... Nothing, really.
I will let this go... But I know it will be a bit of a process.
Just so over this & his drama.
Mighty - get this tattooed on your forehead (backwards so you can see it in the mirror) 'This is not about me'
What your xh is doing is classic, word for word. I am also the reason that my xh doesn't have a relationsihp, not only with his children, but (where married) their wives and families, and our old friends.
He had me go to a therapist for my craziness (I did go along but that was for me) and so on.
I have come to see that this is projection, projection and projection. With a little encouragement from OW/new friends.
It is hard, but there is nothing to defend yourself from - it isn't true, and the reality is your xh knows this deep down. But he is in a crazy place, and can't look at himself.
So we become public enemy number 1. So convenient. It is right up there with 'round up the usual suspects' in Casablanca,
Thanks, bea. So upsetting that you can't even rationalize with a person you spent more than half of your life with.
I guess I have been no contact so much, I lose sight of their crazy. Good thing is, I have been focused on myself. Again, I have to remember to program myself for encounters which may occur.
I don't get carried away anymore by contact, but it's still not fun. Just want to carry on unphased.
I don't want to fight at all! I am Sooo ready to move on to the next part of my life. I have finally LET GO! And now I become the bad guy.
Moving on is knowing I can't control it. The past week, I have felt SOMETHING was going to happen. Another shoe to drop. I know it was too good. This isn't a setback, really. But.... I don't know.
I anticipate graduation next weekend will be another round. S18 says xh does not have a choice to attend. "He's not going."
I'm sad such an important day is being tarnished with this.
Mighty
As always I follow you and your sitch ... and as usual everyone is spot on with thier comments
Just wanted to share ... for a moment lets put what your H and HWW have done aside ... looking at this from a detached perspective, not where that hurt and pain still resides.
Your H is trying to work on some sort of r with your D, granted D might be Lil-Mighty ... she is lashing out with that same pain and frustration I think you might feel is just you, well H devastated more than just Mighty, S and D also are dealing with the abandonment and dealing with it and him in their own way ... to me D is going about it as you would .... not your circus not your monkeys ... that's H's issue, its one hell of a bridge dude will have to try to rebuild if he truly wants to be in her life at any level.
^^^That being said ... and where is is ... typical and MUCH easier to say its all your fault than to truly own up to what he did. Facts are facts, feelings are feelings ... on paper ... dude up and left his family to run off with another woman, had a small window of opportunity there but still chose door #3 ... that's on him Mighty ... HIS choice, I know hww is a manipulator but the end of the day if H is going to drink poison ... he drinks the poison ... again ... his choice, his crisis, his $hitshow to live in.
I can only tell you that I feel for you and all you have been through, the pain and hurt is not fair ... no one person should have been put through what you have had to go through ... however for your kids ... stop giving your H and hww the power, take those reigns and enjoy that graduation, its a HUGE deal and you are there .. the rock .. celebrate the fact you get to be there for S and shed a happy tear as he is moving onto the next chapter in his life
Mighty - although normally I would not recommend that you engage with your ex in any way, this might be an occasion for a short, blunt communication, something along these lines:
"Dear Ex -
It has come to my attention that you are attempting to blame D's attitude towards you on my interference. Rest assured that I do NOT badmouth you to the kids and have NOT tried to obstruct your relationship with them (in fact, you may remember, when you first left, that I encouraged you to see them more as they were feeling abandoned by you).
Unfortunately, it is the facts of the case - you fathering a child with another woman, lying about it, coming home and getting their hopes up only to leave again - AND your lack of consideration of THEIR feelings that has resulted in their current attitudes towards you, NOT anything that I (haven't) said to them.
If you want to repair your relationships with them, you will need to do it by putting THEIR feelings first, not forcing them into a relationship with your new family, making them a priority, and recognizing that it will take a lot of time and patience on your part for them to learn to trust you again. I sincerely hope that you can do that. You will not achieve that by falsely implying that I am the cause of your bad relationship with them.
M"
Mighty,
That's one hellva truth bazooka from Ellie and I really like her suggested email a lot! Unleash it on EXH and let the chips fall.....you know what I'm getting at here.
Wow, thanks so much Cali, elli, and wonka.
It is. It getting better. Hopefully I can pass it up as a bad day (everything else is good) as far as xh. I think it is a good idea, Ellie, to say something. And I love what you put.
Xh sent something to d14 today. She read it to me like 100mph. It was something like,
Im sorry, I'm not perfect. I'm sorry you feel you weren't good enough. Like I said, it didn't work out with me and your mom. You and s18 mean everything to me. So you have to work with me. I'm sorry I'm not in love with your mom, but I love you very much.
I am pissed he keeps saying it didn't work out. He never even had a discussion with me. Either time. I feel like he is saying, your mom is worthless. I threw her out, but j love you and you need to accept and be part of my life. I threw your mom out, so don't take it personally. Let's hang out.
Soooo... He's not in love with me so it's ok to throw me out and start a new family? Leave me in total chaos? We haven t had a kitchen sink in 2 months for crying out loud. Or, a stove or oven for like 3 months! No insulation in the kitchen for 3 winters and we live in buffalo! That's not even the tip of it.
Ok, we know it [censored], but I still find myself frustrated that he makes excuses, deflects, disrespects, and is so incredibly hurtful. I mean, seriously...
He seems to be getting WORSE! Is that normal? Is it going to continue like this forever! I leave him alone! I have since he moved out thanksgiving weekend 2013.
Why is he getting worse? What is happening and what can I do? I want to be left alone! He is such a jerk!
Ellie, I had written a few things down today. I used to do that a lot, but not send them. I will definitely think about this. I have ic tonight. Thank God. Still struggling though....
Btw, Cali.... That caught me off guard, lil mighty. Oh man, is that a bad thing? Am I doing this all wrong? I am so frustrated. As much as I grow, heal, move on... I am not dealing w xh much anymore. So when I do, it brings up a lot of emotions.
Will that ever go away?
I know it will take time, but am I hurting my kids now? I put so much focus on biting my lip and stfu w them, I don't know....
And at the same time I see manipulation tactics- which are wrong. And I would never, ever allow my kids to be sucked in by hww's evil way. They are not going to drink that poision. (Great analogy, cali).
Thanks, guys.
Poor d14, all of her communication w him is so intense. I asked her if she wants to talk w anyone, and she is like, no way! She says she is fine, and she is doing well, but it worries me.
She said she talks to her friends and she is good.
I worry about long term affects. She know I talk with someone. And s18 used to. Plus I know the kids talk.
Xh sent something to d14 today. She read it to me like 100mph. It was something like,
Im sorry, I'm not perfect. I'm sorry you feel you weren't good enough. Like I said, it didn't work out with me and your mom. You and s18 mean everything to me. So you have to work with me. I'm sorry I'm not in love with your mom, but I love you very much.
He is being insincere, dishonest, and disingenuous with these comments. I do think you really need to take your power back and put your foot down on his nonsense by sending that email Ellie pulled together. That will accomplish a few things:
-you aren't putting up with his revisionist POV
-you aren't putting up with his childish slanders against you
-you clearly spell out your position
-you clearly show him that R with the kids is HIS responsibility
-demonstrate that he needs to take ownership for the fractured R's w/ kids
Mighty ... I only bring that up because I recently noticed my S8 handle a situation exactly as I would have ... during this Hurricane we found ourselves in sometimes we lose sight of the kids, sure we protect them and do what we can to minimize the damage done to them as we in a sense become human shields ....LBS will take the brunt of crazy from the MLCr just to try to keep some sense of normalcy in the household.
That being given, the kids are smart, they too are connected to the family unit, so when there is a disturbance they feel it as we do, they watch us, and the MLCr and see how we handle things ... try as we might ... its hard to play this game of poker with a total straight face ... they pick up on the tells, they see how we handle things and in turn that's where they are learning to deal with their issues.
I am not sure if those emotions ever go away .. I too am dealing with them, they are straight from the core emotional place .. where the deep hurt lives .. its a tough one to 'get over'
As far as the kids getting sucked in .. they see it, they lived it .. they are plenty old enough, I trust they are even more cautious than you are ... he is their father, hopefully he can figure things out and atleast be that for them ... but again ... not your circus not your monkeys ... you can not control any of that ... its all on them.
Oh, pleeease… “It didn’t work out…”, “not in love”. All these excuses are such a script. It sounds like he painted himself into the corner and now is trying very hard to convince himself and everybody else that it didn’t work out. How did he expect to work it out? When he came back trying to patch the things with you, did he expect you to jump into his arms with the joy, forget all the hurtful things he did, be ok with him sneaking out to see hww, etc.? And does he expect his kids to be ok with the whole thing, just because he says he loves them, disregarding the fact the he hurt their Mom?
Mighty, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I think, it can get even worse. He can get worse. I think that feels trapped and desperately trying to find an exit. But all he is doing now is digging himself deeper in the hole.
I like the idea of telling to leave you out of this and stop repeating this nonsense that it didn’t work out. This is not an excuse for hurting you and the kids.
Totally Agree^^^
Be a man .. step up and own what you did with the kids and the M .... but then again they are in such a fog logic falls on deaf ears.
Hey, Cali, I was going to say the same about MLCer’s deaf ears… And Mighty also mentioned that she thinks that no matter what she says, it is just not going to get through him and hww. Well, in this case should we try a reversed phycology, LOL. I need to think about how to put it work though...
Deaf or not, he can read....you know.
I think the do have deaf ears but sometimes it seems like words spoken can be seeds, I have seen it with mine .. might be months later but all the sudden she would say something and I think ... Huh .. that one took and sprouted ... not often but can happen.
I do sense in Mighty's sitch her H does feel something .. may never show it nor say it (Again .. seems PAR for MLC) he wants some sort of connection with his kids, out of guilt, selfisness ... who knows .. but he does attempt to reach out towards them which I think is a good thing .... granted ... the fool does not realize he is grasping for a hornets nest and seems oblivious to the pain he caused ... once he is truley remorseful maybe there is a chance for him with his kids .. I dunno .. thats alot of hurt and alot of pain.
Hi guys. In parking lot... Just left ic. Great session. Feel good. You guys have such great input and I so appreciate the support. You have no idea.
I have to reread when I get home and not on my phone.
Yes, xh does reach out to kids. He wants a r with them. He has really tried since he found out HWW was pregnant. That was a def wake up call for him. Before that he was thinking he was living it up. Reality check. He didn't want another kid, and I think it made him yearn for his old family. But, he hadn't gone far enough through mlc. I had a feeling it was premature, but hoped we could.... Whatever.
Anyway, he felt tremendous guilt for bringing this child into this sitch, once he saw her. Understandable, but innocent babies... Teens who will have to deal.
The thing is, he has ALWAYS wanted things on his terms. ALWAYS. And I went along with it. He is used to t. And when things don't go his way, he bullies his way. With everything. And he makes choices and expects everyone to deal with it and go along bc he said. That's typical... Pre mlc. And now it is only excerbated. He changed his mind again and assumes everyone will go along. When they have an opinion or feeling, blame....? Well, me! You know, bc I have always appeased him. Now that I don't tell his lies and manipulation a to the kids, it's my fault.
Bottom line.
I don't think saying anything will do any goo, the more I think about it. In fact, right when things were going down, round 2, I called him out. I said to the kids we need to address something, and asked them point blank what I say about their dad (in front of him). They told him I always told funny family stories. We didn't talk about him, really, outside of that, and clarified that I don't talk poorly about him. It was an opportunity we had, all together, for clarification. I was tired of him putting that on the kids. But, now, it's only worse. I know it will do no good.
Ok, gotta my journey home. You guys are saving me.... Again!
Xo.
Gonna jam to silver sun pickups! Love " lazy eye"! My jam.
Mighty-
I think your intuition is correct - whatever you say to him will do no good. Don't put anymore energy into your dealings with XH. DETACH --- if you need to clarify something with your children then talk with them. You don't need to bash their father or dwell on the past but right now all your energy and focus should be on the people in your family. XH opted out of your family and his relationship with his D is completely between them. Of course, as D's mother you'll make yourself available to support her and clarify the facts if she is given wrong info. -- Bottom line is the kids know what the real deal is and no amount of deflecting is going to alter that. You do not need to waste anymore of your time or effort on this man. Let him implode. Let him screech about you to his D. In the end the truth will set you free.
You have been so strong and classy in the face of enormous struggles. You should be proud to have survived everything. You have earned the right to let him act irrational while you and your children go about your life. Let HWW have him because you don't want to give this guy one more second of your time or energy.
Hey sweetie. Love that post from 123Gwen. Im sorry your xh is being an as$. Here's the thing..who cares if he blames you? You know your truth, so does your daughter.
You want to know why he is blaming you? Because it cant be him. If its him then what will he do? They cant handle that. So, they lashes out.
M, you keep having expectations where he is concerned. That will only hurt you. You expect him to act like a normal person and he isnt.
He did what he did. You cant undo it. You are getting hung up on words from someone who is not of sound mind. In his head, it didnt work out between you.
I dont agree with sending him anything. He cant hear it now. You will just be spinning your wheels.
You need to be there for your kids. You need to let go of him and her. They dont hold any weight in our life any longer.
Do not allow either of them to control your headspace.
Be Mighty.
Mighy - I agree with URworthy - responding only fuels the fires in my experience
He will not read it and think 'Gosh darn she has a point, and a good one' He will react and build another layer of defences. AND it will show him he is getting to you (which is part of all of this, believe me).
Our blank apparent indifference is the only way we can deal them when they are in this mad stage of Replay (not a great fan of stages in terms of time line, but it is useful for dealing with them in emotional terms)
Polite when they play nice, otherwise, ignore completely. Dealing with us, demonizing us, takes their focus of them and their miserable sitch.
Cali is right about planting seeds, but this isn't the soil, yet.
And kml and WOnka are right in that it is perfectly OK to put your point of view. And it is a great response But we are not dealing with people who are currently rational in any way shape or form. Sadly.
I agree that now is not the time to respond or send a note. If he was at a point where he was receptive to it then yes it might open his eyes a bit. Not right now. My experience with my exW is that when she was in the full blown fog bank nothing could get through. She would be even more angry and nasty if I said or pointed something out or even just defended myself. Right now your dealing with a nasty little fly that keeps buzzing you while you are doing your own thing. You just need to keep swooshing it away and hope it finds something else to bother.
Mighty,
He just doesn't speak your language right now. Period.
I mean you could send him a strongly worded letter, but...??? All that energy will go into the letter and D14 will be the one who won't get that energy.
I can remember feeling so angry with my mother each time she focused everything on one of her crazy husbands and I was hurting. I needed her, but she was busy handling the crazy of some man.
I see the value in standing up for yourself. But, the divorce is in place. He's obviously not dealing with a full deck and what's the point?
Maybe that's why the Walmart incident was so important for you? You stood up for yourself by speaking a language THEY understood.
You didn't get all grown up and adult on their a$$, you spoke trailer trash and they heard you :-)
I'm pretty sure, on some deep level, he knows he's an a$$ and he knows he did wrong...but, he isn't willing to DO anything about it...so he blames you.
I unloaded on my MLC dad, like D14. I had many occasions where I poured out my heart and it was like talking to a rock.
I wish my mom had communicated the value of those outpourings to me. I wish someone had said,"You know what? That's amazingly brave of you to keep trying. To keep telling him how you feel even though you have been beaten down and blown off over and over."
Maybe the two you, together, can use this particular incident to figure out how to be angry, how to let it out, how to unload those feelings and hurt in a way which is healthy, but doesn't involved setting either of you up for more beatings?
I strongly believe people hear what we say even if we don't say it to them in words. Not to sound kooky, but with people we have a connection with...tell it to a tree and if you speak from the heart...they will get it on some level. IDK.
I want to reiterate my gratitude and express it to the rest... Ellie, Wonka, Cali, Bright, Gwen, uR, bea, LT, and Heather (just seeing that list of amazing people makes me feel so lucky to have wonderful people take the time to continue to support me).
I have thought about your posts. I would like to add... it did not consume me, today! However, I have learned to compartmentalize... I like that compartment closed... yet, I have to address this, bc when it opens, I don't like it to be so unsettled... reactive... and a hot mess!
So, for now, I've decided I am not going to go out of my way to say anything to him. I do feel, on a level, he adds thing to try to get attention from me. I will keep that post from Ellie close by, as a resource for when I am directly addressed. I need these things to be prepared. I don't want to fly off the handle ever again. Especially when it comes to him.
I thought last night about how frustrating it is for a father to even say those things to his daughter. Like, well... I wasn't "in love" so it's ok to abandon your family and start a new one. So, someday, if your husband isn't "in love" he may do that to you. Or, you can do that too. And everyone should deal with it, because that's what you do to family.
Give me a break.
Now, I'm not really giving them head space, really, but, I think it is natural to try to understand some of this. That's why we do our research, and continue to come here right. Support, and a form of understanding all of this unexplainable debacle of MLC.
But, just thinking... and maybe some have experience with this?? I thought more into it when reading Cali's sitch and something Wonka responded to. It was about the "fog lifting" from the MLCer.
It was about 7 months ago when my bil reached out to me. At that time, he said xh, for the prior few weeks, had been talking to him a lot. More than he ever had. Pouring his heart out, which is unlike him. BIL said, he just listened and knew xh just needed to get it out.
BIL said to me, "The only way I can explain it is like a fog lifted."
My jaw dropped at that comment, well... bc of what we read...
BIL did not know that.
Anyway, it was not that long after when I heard from xh. That's when I heard a lot from him, like BIL.
The things he said made me think he would never go back to hww. Blah, blah, blah... you know....
Back during monster, which was a range before and after about 7 months prior to that, he was just really mean. I kept contact pretty dark during that time. However, I found out that it was the time hww was leaving her x too. They were going at it about $, and hww was very greedy (shocker), and her parents were too. They were trying to take her x to the cleaners.
Xh used to call me out of the blue in a rage. I was so confused and the thing is, I wasn't trying to take ANYTHING and was trying to be fair to him. My heart actually went out to him and I wanted to be giving and didn't want him to have to start over totally. Boy was I in the dark.
I just cant help think that he saw the greed, when they were trying to clean him out, how much he was to pay, and freak out.... letting it project onto me. Like I was hww or something. He would tell me about convos her parents would say. Sick.
Anyway, as I digress....
Xh, outside of that monster period, never really said bad things about me. And he did tell me he never bad mouthed me to hww, which was a bone of contention to her. And she would get very mad at him and say he would always stick up for me ( don't know why he had to...)
Then he confided and said we WERE happy, we had a great marriage, we didn't have problems, I didn't do anything wrong, but he just f'ed up.
So, now... once the fog lifts, so to speak, can you regress back even further? Now he blames it all on me. And is really mean, totally unaccountable, and has the typical mlc attitude.
Like, I get that he simply can't look in the mirror, but this dude is so messed up, right?
Does he even remember the temporary fog-respite he took? Or does dumb mlc-brain take over and he just doesn't give a crap about that time period anymore? <<<< I'm thinking that.
Honestly, guys... it's not really headspace, because I feel unemotional about it. Slightly frustrated that I now have this pinned on me, and, ok uR.... go ahead.... geesh.... I gave them the ammo.
Still don't really regret it, however, I don't like the spin... the ammo. Not going to do that again. Nope. May be difficult... but I feel better knowing I won't feed her drama... which is an obese, overeating, hyper-active, disgusting pig. That hog is always looking for seconds, thirds, fourths, and...... you know what I'm saying...
OK, so....
a few things I have realized recently:
1. Something I am grateful for out of this experience- lots of things aren't that big of a deal. When I see people freaking out about nonsense, I just look at it from a much different perspective. It has made me so much more laid back. I've always been pretty chill... but now, shoot...
2. Something I need to figure out- I have met so many people lately. They always seem to enjoy my company, and want my number to hang out with me, but afterwards, I question myself. I wonder things like, did I make a fool of myself? Do I come across as not good enough? Do they think I'm an idiot?
3. I hate pity.
4. I am much calmer and so much more in-tune with people. ( When I'm not in my own momentary fog)
5. I choose my battles more wisely.
6. I hate to look at my face in the mirror.
7. I am all over the place.
Mighty, I want to explain something because I see you seem to think that I have a problem with what you did.
I am not here to judge. This is your life and so you make your own choices. As long as you are good with it, then Im good, too.
I just try to let people know stuff based on my experiences, not just with my own sitch, but with many others both on here and out there.
But I always say, we only know what we are told here. You are the one who lives it. You are the one who knows the people involved.
You did what you did. You are good with it. That is what matters.
You are a lot like me, M, in that you want to understand things. I get it. I really do.
While there are scripts followed in this, the truth is that we cant really understand it fully..for a few reasons. The first of which is that we arent in crisis. And then the fact that each person is different. What brings them into crisis is different.
So, it really is best to just accept that we cant know really. And truthfully, understanding it doesnt change it. It doesnt lessen the blow, doesnt change the actions, doesnt temper the hurt.
They are in crisis. They dont know it. It was destined for them. No amount of loving them could stop it. They dont know why they do what they do.
But to answer your questions..yes, he could have peeked out, had some moments of clarity and then jumped back in. He wasnt finished, Mighty. He isnt anywhere near finished.
So, how do you let go of wanting to know? Because if you dont, it keeps you stuck. How do you allow what he says to wash over you? You have all the power here, you know. All of it. You get to decide what you think, how you react. You get to decide what kind of life you want. You get to decide what you want to show your kids.
And yea, it succks that he says those things to your daughter. You would be amazed at the things my xh said to my son. But you know what I got to do? I got to be the one who showed him different. I got to be the one who shared life with him, to show him that family does matter, to teach him that not everyone makes the choices his father made. I made sure to show him well. It was too important.
I wish I could tell you my son came out of this unscathed. But that would be a lie. But what did come out of this is that he and I grew closer. What came out of it is that my son wont do this to someone he loves. He learned about loyalty and keeping your word and showing up and being present.
I sure wish he didnt have to learn it in the way he did. I wish he had a father that was worthy. But thats not how life went.
Mighty, really, who cares what she thinks? Who cares why he was the way he was and then he wasnt? Who cares about the lies he tells? It doesnt matter. What matters is today. What matters is you and your kids and what you show them. What matters is who you are and who you become.
You may think that saying you want to understand isnt giving it headspace, but it is. And its not the good kind of headspace.
Anyway, about your list...pretty good stuff except for numbers 2 and 6, yea?
I just wrote this about self worth somewhere. Maybe it will help with number 2.
.
I was thinking about how hard I worked to change the image of myself I had for most of my life and I wanted to share some of it.
I had to learn to understand the power of my attitude toward myself. How we perceive ourselves, how we talk about and represent ourselves and how we allow others to determine our worth eventually becomes our reality.
So, I started to look at those people whose opinions of me seemed to matter so much. I asked myself a few questions. The most important one being…does that person hold weight in my life? Does whether or not they approve of me affect who I am? If they don’t, how does that impact me?
Those questions allowed me to figure out some other things. One of which is the importance of self love. That’s about treating yourself with the same care, tolerance, generosity and compassion as you would treat someone in your life.
If you try to live up to an image of what you think others want you to be - you are following a compass set by other people's expectations, whether or not those expectations are clearly defined or implied.
And why do that? What makes someone else more important than you? What makes their idea of who someone should be more important than who you think you should be?
The thing for me was that I tried to be my best self every day. Some days I didn’t make it and that was ok. Some days other people didn’t either.
While you may feel that you want the approval of those you love..the reality is that those you love and who love you…should accept you exactly as you are. As for the rest….not your problem.
Be good with you. Deep in your soul. Accept your faults and your amazingness and everything in between because there is no one else in the world like you….and how freakin cool is that? 
Mighty, dont let this define your life. Dont allow it to determine your self worth. They took enough. Dont give them one ounce more.
Thank you, uR. Loved that post. I don't think you judged me, at all. It think it came across in a way I didn't mean. It's kind of like, tail between my legs, but with a $hitty grin... like, a puppy who got busted... yeah, I did it.
It felt good at the time. I can't say I wouldn't like to go totally ham on her @ss.
But, she knows what I think of her. I don't need to remind her. What I need to do now, is work on ME. Without their influence.
I really like that post, uR. I know they have some headspace. But, I also know, I have more control over it, therefore, it is much less. I don't let it interfere with my life, so to speak. It's more in the quiet time it creeps in...
I think getting a small glimpse into his most recent... I don't know what to call it.... projections (????) .... have put my mind back in the WTF mode.
Overall, I'm OK. And I think about it, mostly, from an arms length... if that makes any sense.
Reading that post game me a sort of image I have of myself. I'm me, for sure. I guess, I would think that I don't care what people think of me, but I think that I just feel so... lost.
Maybe because I feel... unloved. I can rationalize that I am valuable... but then, why am I disposable? Why wasn't I worthy?
Look, I get it... to a point, that is. I hear- it's not about you. However, it was me.
So, reading your post, I thought about how I do value myself, and now, I am more readily able to shut down behaviors/people who I feel don't treat me the way I feel they should. I have a guard up, which is not normal for me. It's like run by a natural force, not my natural instincts.
I probably don't make sense, but it seems like this experience has awakened a part of me that has never existed. It does not communicate with the part of me that I am familiar with. It works on its own. Its to protect me from outside invaders or something.
(Here goes number 7)
OK, so.. your post. Made me think of myself as this person who conceptualizes and feels what it is to be me. To embrace it, to not allow others' judgments affect me. And I am that. But, it's full of holes.
I will figure it out. Got some work to do there.
This: "They are in crisis. They dont know it. It was destined for them. No amount of loving them could stop it. They dont know why they do what they do."
I know it ^^^^^ but it def helps to hear it again.
You know... I am a slow learner!
Thank you, uR.
You are a lot like me, M, in that you want to understand things.
So are a lot of people on this board. Don’t we all want to understand things? We would not be here if we wouldn’t.
So, how do you let go of wanting to know? Because if you dont, it keeps you stuck. How do you allow what he says to wash over you? You have all the power here, you know. All of it. You get to decide what you think, how you react.
You may think that saying you want to understand isnt giving it headspace, but it is. And its not the good kind of headspace.
Maybe I’m not understanding this correctly, but I have some thoughts… I keep reading what some other vets post here, about how it is a waste of time to keep thinking about the reasons and looking for the answers, and “giving it headspace”, etc. But… They all went through this process. Yes, at the end, they had these thoughts that it was a waste of time, because they all came out of this process stronger and wiser. BUT! They all went through this process! It is just like telling a toddler who is just starting to walk “you can do it without falling and tears, you don’t need to fall, you just need to take the perfect steps and be confident and trust all people who went through this before you that it all works if you just follow the advice.” Again… I might be way off the charts here.
I think this is just a natural path towards acceptance and healing. I’ve read somewhere that it is actually a necessary step to put a story behind the broken R. This especially applies to women. I know that I need that story. It helps me to move on on a path to forgiveness and healing. I think it would prolong my healing (mind you almost 3 years now), if I would just shut down all my thoughts about WHY this happened. But again… I might be wrong. Stubborn me…
Sorry for the high jack, Mighty. I think you are doing fantastic! Keep on going!
Here is my 2 c. It helped me, and still helps me, to understand the process as far as I can. That way I can think 'Oh this is going on and here is (probably) why'.
Does it change things in themselves - no, but for some of us at least it changes how we view it and how we feel about it. De-personalises it. I can see this doesn't work for everyone -
Anyways, my xh sounds a lot like your xh Mighty. OMG those rages, the awfulness. Out of the blue. I stopped picking up the phone - always got someone else to do it.
Then the coming back, fog apparently lifted, etc etc.
Now he is much more into blaming me. It is as if it is a different sort of fog. But I can tell he now (10 years on) he misses what he had. I think he wants it all - the kids, me his new life. Fantasy land with politeness though!
Go with your gut. I think by processing intellectually it you will gradually let it go. I tried the other ways, and they didn't work for me. It has been a long time. A long MLC and I am a slow learner.
I have got him out of my headspace by thinking through it. It is quite different from obsessing. These days I think about him on a day to day basis very little. I remain interested in the MLC process - it pulls apart so many lives, and is so little understood.
You are amazing - dealing with so much. I agree that we learn a lot through this process. At the same time, I am sometimes depleted by it Dealing with this is exhausting - which is why the ever-wise Job tells us to be good to ourselves.
PS - I also think you are right - there is a lot in their behaviour that is aimed at attracting our attention - like a toddler. I suspect that your xh was emotionally neglected as a little one. The rages, and the tendency to throw their toys out of the pram are a giveaway.
Toddlers do not have a large emotional range, but it is a powerful and manipulative one! On one level they know what they are doing.
Bright, maybe I can explain it further.
Yes, it is a necessary part of this to try to understand it. But the truth is, we will never be able to fully for the reasons I said. So, at some point, we have to let go of trying.
I kept trying and trying. Going round and round in my head. And I wished I had listened to the people who told me to let it go sooner.
As Bea said, there is trying to understand it and there is obsessing about it. Eventually we just need to accept what is because there is no way to fully get your mind around it.
I just want Mighty to get to where she needs to be. If thinking about it over and over gets her there, great. But I am here to try to help and based on my experiences, the sooner she lets go of rehashing it in her head, the better for her.
To me, the way to acceptance is in changing your mindset. Most times when we keep thinking about it, it keeps us in that place.
I only want whats best for her. And this is her journey. She can take what she wants and leave the rest. She certainly doesnt have to follow what I say, if she doesnt want to.
I was blessed to have some amazing people walk this with me. I thank God every day for them. I wouldnt have made it through without them. And the most important advice I was given was to try to make peace with not knowing or understanding. Didnt happen right away. It was a process, but it is the necessary steps that need to be taken in order to come out whole.
Mighty
I don't think we will ever really understand, and if we did would it really make a difference in the end. I understand that my H is going thru something, that I CANNOT help him thru. We can only stand on the side out of the way and watch.
Don't feed into what he is doing or saying or thinking or how he is living his life.
We have to live our lives the best way for us right now.
Hang in there, keep moving forward.
Hi Mighty.
Just caught up with your sitch.
I am sorry that all of this is happening. I read your venting and I am right beside you. I am cheering you on. You are doing an amazing job.
The vets are giving great advice that all of us need to remind ourselves that our spouses as we knew them are gone. No more heart or head space.
I too wish that I could completely disengage and move on.
I'll be praying for you and your dear children. They love you. God loves you. It's not your fault. You are blessed and a blessing.
In His love,
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Hi guys! Whoa... some interesting stuff here. I will just touch on it briefly, bc, frankly, I've moved on. However, I know... I will be back to it eventually!
Well, first, I don't believe that I am obsessing about this. Sometimes, when things happen, I rake it over. I still have emotions about it, what can I say? And, because of this, if I totally dismissed them, I think they would come back to haunt me someday. I just need to work through them.
I do find, that having some insight into MLCer does help me. I know it's crazy town, and we wont understand what its like. However, for me, to hear.... often the mlcer does x because of z. That helps remind me that it is about him and that I couldn't have prevented it, and I shouldn't take it personally. When you are personally attacked and treated like garbage, it is hard to not take it personally. Reminders of their struggles/process helps look at the bigger picture when you are in the emotional mix of it.
And, I think it can also help prepare you a little two. For me, I hadn't researched much of MLC past replay. I knew there was a long way to go and it didn't matter at that point. So, when xh had his "awakening" I was caught so off guard and didn't know what to do. I kind of let my emotions go all over the place. I was king, at that point, of dealing with his antics. That threw me way off. Has taken me a lot of time to regain my footing.
So in that respect, not that it is a map of what is to come... but I just have an inquiring mind. My main focus is not on him. It was... for a long time.
My life has progressed. I'm moving on. But, I still carry this huge trunk of questions and self-doubt. I'm not sure how to really let go of them all except to work through them. Granted, this trunk closed a lot of the time. I carefully open it as needed. however, he still has a little control, I've found. He is able to open it when I'm not looking. That's when things get let out, which I am unprepared to handle.
If I work through those things, he can try all he wants, but there will be noting to come out.
It's not all the time, and I'm keeping a pretty good guard. However, I think I let it down with my killer no contact skills.
So, bottom line, I do like to know what things are like for the mlcer. Not obsessively. It's not my every waking thought (anymore... nor my sleeping...), but it helps me. Not to stay stuck, but to move on, actually. And to take some of the pressure and hurt off my self.
OK, next.
Happy Father's Day to all the great dad's out there!
Personally, I can feel a little weight of the day. Last year my kids chose not to spend time with their dad. I am assuming the same for today, but I never know what's going to happen...
I will not be sending a text. Seems stupid to send a text celebrating him being a father when he isn't one to my kids now. He has another family who he plays the role for who can honor him with that.
You know what... I just started typing about last year... but deleted. I don't care anymore! I am moving forward, not backward!
GAL still going steadily. However, I have decided that I really want to spend more time with my kids. Especially d14. I think she really needs a strong parental influence right now.
I have decided she is my main focus.
Kitchen at a standstill. Running into some problems. Last week I texted contractor and said that if he does not want to finish the job let me know asap so I could get someone in. He showed up at 7am the next morning and worked 14 hours.
But pulling back again. He is a great guy. Does awesome work. But, I know he just does not want to tile the floor. He tried saying not to do tile, but that's what I want. I had tile before (xh and I did) and I am not going to downgrade on a huge addition/renovation. I would do it myself, but it is such a huge space, I don't want to get in over my head. Plus, I just don't have the time for that.
So, I will have to call again today. I am just so over it.
Gonna pick myself up today and trudge through it. That has such a negative connotation... but that's how I feel. So, I will take every opportunity to think of all the things I am grateful for. It will be a day of gratitude.
Oh.. btw... I went out Friday night. As I was there, someone commented that there was a priest there. I looked over, and sure enough, right near the bar was MY priest!
The couple I was talking to said the guy didn't know he was a priest and said the f-word in front of him. I said, well, I've talked to him for confession... he's heard much worse.
Ha!
I'm going to take a deep breath. It's OK, just one of those kicks in the gut.
It's to be expected, as we move separately into new lives... but it is just part of the deal, for me, where it is just soo hard to imagine.
It's fresh, so it is on my mind. I'm hoping... not for long.
First, I had a great day. We went this evening and had dinner with my parents. It was good and we had a lot of fun. Came home and cleaning up and I got a call from my bil. This is the one who lives out of state and is very close with both xh and me.
We talked for a long time, no talk of xh... for quite a while. Then, it slipped out. Apparently xh went with hww and her son and the baby on vacation south and made a stop there for a night.
It just makes me sick.
I know... it's whatever. But I just can't even picture him AT ALL in this role! I mean, I have seen it several times with OUR family... but this, I don't know. You guys, it is ... I don't even know... I just can't...
This dude is so all over the place! Clearly he is committed and in this r. He is going all in. But, it wasn't THAT long ago...
Whatever.
BIL didn't say much, just that xh asked him if he has talked to me. BIL just told him he isn't getting involved... and left it at that.
He said he, his wife, and his wife's parents (they live next door to them and I always got along very well with them. They all actually came and stayed with us just before bd) aren't buying what hww is selling. Of course, they play the role, but... they get it, I suppose. SIL's parents commented, "Well, it isn't Mighty!" and felt really bad.
He also said they were talking about their other brother and was caught on the phone and it seemed like he was up to no good. Xh's comment was, "I hope he isn't messing around, because it isn't worth it."
BIL also said when xh left, he told his wife, "He is one broken man." He said that xh didn't say anything, but he knows he is so upset about the kids that it is taking everything he has to keep it together.
Well, whatever, xh. Keep on going on your wannabe family vacations.
The question I ask myself everyday, "Who does that to their family?"
But, I guess I have to answer myself, "A very broken person."
On a totally different note, I typed in the notes of my phone today a message I would have sent to xh. I do that sometimes. I type things in my notes, or write it down, but I never send. I know meaning will be lost in translation... I don't speak fluent alien. In fact, I don't know that the code has been broken, nor that one alien can even clearly communicate with another alien.
Anyway, my day of gratitude vs Father's Day Celebration, note to xh:
I have so many things to be grateful for.
I am grateful for my children.
I am grateful for my home.
I am grateful for all the wonderful things we did to our home.
I am grateful that I am able to keep my children in my home.
I am grateful that I am able to provide for them.
I am grateful for my job.
I am grateful for financial support.
Thank you for that.
*****
So now, I sit here and think about him on his dumb vacation. I wonder what that is like to not be with your children on a family vacation. To not be able to even get something for your kids while on vacation (especially bc I know hww is such a shopper and prob shopping up a storm for her 2), and what it must be like to not even be able to tell your kids you are on vacation. It would be so upsetting to them. Yet, I suppose it would be my fault. And probably my fault why he cant tell them.
Why do I even care? I freaking hate him!
Terrible words... don't even like to say it. But I feel like it. Immature, I suppose.
I don't know, you guys. I just have this HUGE void! I am so tired of this same song and dance and feeling empty. I have so many good things, and I appreciate them so much, and enjoy them so much.
But, at the end of the day, when you feel like no one cares or is there for you, it can be tough. I know I have good people. It would be nice to be #1 sometime. That sounds so dumb and like a baby.
You know what? I guess I am just so surprised that he is still in this. I think I am just realizing this. I think that is a huge part of MY problem. And, I suppose that is me not letting go fully, in a way. I HAVE for the most part. There is just something still there... that damn trunk was opened again! WTF!
Seriously... I think that's it, thought! I think some of his words still get to me. Stupid words! They have me so confused! I know they were not actions. I have to let it go, but I believe deep down, part of me thought... well, I don't know exactly. But I guess I just can't believe he is REALLY playing the role. Hey, you know what? Maybe it will be forever, so I need to stop now.
Whew! That was a good rant. I feel much better now. And, I feel really good knowing what PART of MY problem was. Funny how letting things out leads to other things...
OK. I'm done.
For now.
Lots of love sent your way Mighty.
Mighty,
It's okay to rant away. I do have one question...how often do you hear from your bil that called you? The reason that I ask is I find it quite telling that he called today, on Father's Day, and finally spoke of your xh and his band of gypsies stopping by on the way to vacation. I can't help but wonder if he's trying to see where you are in all of this mess and mend the bridges a bit for his brother because of the children. He may say he doesn't want to be involved, but he's more involved than he thinks by telling you about that visit.
Let's get back to you and your feelings. It hasn't been all that long since he went back to that ow and it's understandable that you are still searching for some answers. It's okay to come here and talk/vent and yes, he's broken and it's going to take him a long time to sort himself out, if ever. You, on the other hand are facing our pain and hurt head on and will heal far quicker and better than he will. Give yourself some time to do so and don't be so hard on yourself.
It's one day at a time for now.
Thank, Heather!
job- thank you. BIL and I talk sporadically. He is like a brother to me. He told me that he talked more to me that xh about it. Xh, bil, his wife, and I were very close. Bc their family isn't tight like that, really, they were all they had to count on and trust. And since bil and I are 6 months apart (and xh and I are 6 months apart- they are 1 yr) and we were teens when we met, we are like bro/sister.
I feel badly for him in that, he lost his family unit at home. They always stayed w us, and often wouldn't even go see his parents. If family things were planned, it was by me. I threw grad parties, birthday parties, and an annual family reunion for that family.
I think it is difficult for bil, bc xh and I were his fam. And now, xh is so messed up. I mean I know they talk still, but he said not about any of this stuff anymore. It took a toll on bil.
Bil also said xh is like a skeleton and he is gone. But, he didn't lead on to much else other than that.
On Mother's Day, bil was the first person I heard from, before I even got out of bed. So I guess it's not too suspect he called on FD. But, you've got me thinking a little. In fact, I went back into my phone. We talked for an hour. He was going to text me pictures of his son we talked about. It was an hour later he texted them.
Oh, and he asked if I've dated.
I don't know...
But, I'm pretty sure xh didn't hear from my kids. Could be that was discussed and the reason. I know s18 didn't reach out. D14 commented when we got into the car that she wasn't going to text to text her dad. He has two other kids to celebrate with.
That's hard to hear. My heart breaks for her. I know it bothers her soooooo much.
OK, right, job. One day at a time. Man, I just hope it stops!
BIL also asked if we were going down this summer. Well, I can tell you there is no way in hell I am going to sleep in the same bed as xh and hww did. It's already bothering me and I'm not even there!
You know, at the beginning of this, there is always a warning: its a long road. And, it's a tough one. Lots of ups, downs, twists & turns. I thinks it's impossible for anyone involved to come out unscathed.
I can't sleep. My mind is getting the best of me, but I'm implementing some of the things to help. But I am a bit all over the place, mentally. Emotionally.
I realize, God put us on two totally different paths. I have to acknowledge that. I have to respect it. For whatever reason, our paths seperated and this journey isn't about us anymore. Nor do we have room for eachother. It sad. It's difficult to see him on this with someone else.
It's really so unreal where his life is now. So, so, so much has happened on a relatively short amount of time.
I still question myself every day. All the time. Am I crazy? Am I really supposed to be this upset? Should it really hurt this much?
Tonight I wondered how many pieces a heart could break into? Seems like it's only small pieces left. Maybe why the break isn't so big now, so it hurts a little less with each remaining break. But how many more?
I was really doing so much better. I know I still am, and will carry on so. I just wonder if it will ever stop. I guess that's where I come in. When I stop letting it bother me. But... I try. I work really hard at moving on. Healing. Finding deeper meanings, wholeness... I've become more spiritual, faithful, centered, aware. I really work on it. I feel like every minute of every day. Yet, I don't see when this will ever stop hurting. When the breaks will cease.
Maybe it's just a bad night.
I have faith in the process. I am doing the work. I am giving it to God.
I pray for better things in my life. I try to give and be a person worthy of peace and happiness. When does it show up?
Mighty,
What you are going through is very, very normal. It's more difficult the second time around when the crisis person actually has reached out and is trying to reconcile w/the spouse and then they skip a beat and return to the Land of Oz.
Your mind is on auto pilot and it won't turn itself off because you are thinking about him and the ow a lot. You've had a few triggers in the last couple of months that have kept these thoughts going, i.e., Mother's Day, Memorial Day and Father's Day. Even the phone conversation that you had w/your BIL sends your mind in a twirl because it keeps things "fresh and breaks the scab that is trying to heal your heart". Work thru those feelings and then try to let them go.
I hope that you have some nice things planned this week for yourself. You owe it to yourself to do something fun and different for yourself. Make a list of the things that you would like to do, but never had the nerve to do. Then select one of the items and really think about doing it.
Sending you positive thoughts today.
Thanks job. I guess I find myself asking, yet again, WHAT HAPPENED? It seemed that I had gotten some answers, as much as I could after round one. Then, to happen again... I just don't know.
I find myself like, if it is the baby... We have two kids together... Who are fully aware... Blah blah...
I don't know. It's just a crazy feeling. Today was great at work. But I still have this heavy, heavy sadness. Still, I'm enjoying the moment, knowing I will do my best to push forward. Then, as things end, and I am alone, I can feel myself sinking down. It's very strange. Like coming off a high... But rapidly... Conseniously aware that I can feel myself sinking, at a steady rate- down.
You know, job, you are right. There are some events lately which have kept me In A bit of a cycle.
Knowing graduation is his weekend, I am sure this state of emotional instability will continue. Some people handle things so well. I really struggle at times.
Hopefully this summer will be another nice reprieve from crazy town. I know there is nothing I can do about xh being so "broken" about his r with his kids. Ya frustrating. I don't interfere and I won't.
I do think part of his frustration is that would have been my role to fix. And I would have. But, it's not my place. I hung up my fixer hat. Retired.
Gotta run...
Mighty .... just caught up on your sitch ... ugh, I am so sorry you are going through this.
Reading your stories over ... what .. however long I have been there .. the pain, hurt, confusion comes out so clear and its so easy to relate to you as you are .. what is the word .. just so Raw about it, I mean you lay it all out there and its something I have admired about you, very courageous and again .. you are far stronger than I think you give yourself credit for.
I know your H is a person right now you probably do not want to be with ... the actions he has done, decisions made leave us all shaking our heads so I can not fathom the pain its put you through.
Like you, I have done my share of reading and learning about MLC, like many here .. trying to grasp some understanding of it ... seems its all so similar but all so different ... the crisis varies in intensities, duration, and magnitude from sitch to sitch they all are so different but in many ways the same. I can tell you he is doing all this not knowing what he is doing, its not about us but you have heard this over and over.
I do not mean to be harsh here, but I just want to share this with you because I care, and the pain you are in .. I can literally feel it .. its not a good pain. I think what I see in your sitch, has more to do with you than with your H and hww .... I pray one day you can detach enough to heal and at the least walk the journey you need to walk, grow the way you need to grow ... its almost like I see you just as stuck as your H, your H being stuck is one thing ... but seeing you stuck is where the true tragedy is. You are strong Mighty .. you deserve better than this I hope you know that.
Oh my gosh, Cali. First, Happy Father's Day! You are such a great one and your son is a lucky boy to have you by is side... showing him the way. AND!!!! Wow... sounds like things went well over the weekend. Yeah... I'm watching ya, bud. You can run, but you can't hide! So cool. No matter what, I am sure you got some sort of validation. You know you are the man. I don't mean that in a silly way... but always #1. That's pretty refreshing, despite the turmoil it comes from.
Anyway.. something... something about your post. I feel a deep understanding and I appreciate it very much. It welled up some tears. Not harsh, Cali. Not at all. I mean, c'mon... you know I'm tougher than that! I've always had pretty thick skin. I'm kind of a mushy, vulnerable mess these days... but I can handle THAT!
Honestly, I think you are right. I am stuck in a sense. I don't think totally. You have got me thinking, I have to admit. What exactly is it about me? What's my deal in this that I let it continue to beat me up? I am not totally sure, yet. I think the shock, for one. I just can't believe how things have played out. I can't believe that he is gone. That he has another family. That I am an enemy to his family. But, I guess that is only part of it. What about it that has to do with me that I can't get over that hump yet. (Notice... I said YET! I have no intention on living her. But, it is quite difficult to see really coming to grips with this.)
See... it's like a double-edged sword... my brain is a yo-yo!
I'm cool... I get that its this whole thing I can't control; it's not about me; I need to move on(<<<<<That's my brain)... then... WTF IS HAPPENING???!! (<<<< That's my brain on LBS mode)
Any questions? ("Yes," says Mighty to Mighty.... "What is wrong with you, girl? You ain't right")
Ok. So, seriously, Cali... you are right about different sitches.. same.. can I say.. nonsense? We have a similar timeline.. some commonalities with the way things play out. I just feel like a bit of a, well, for lack of a better word, failure. I want to say, I know xh had a lot of work to do and didn't.
But we DB, we work really hard to do the right thing. I feel like I had an opportunity.. I worked hard, DB'ed my tail off... then had, in the grasp of my hands, an opportunity. And blew it.
I know, intellectually, that there is way more to it. That... well... there were other components. But... to have it at the grasp of your fingers.. and lose it... again.
Well. I'm OK. I will be. (Just typing this, it took a momentary sabbatical and chilled w/ s18). Things, overall are good. I am happy. I am really and truly looking forward to things, for the first time in my life, being on my terms.
That's pretty cool.
And I'm learning what those terms are.
Side note...
Having to deal with married friend again. So upset with him. Don't even consider him a friend anymore. After letting him know my place last time, months ago, things were cool. He stayed away for a couple of months. Then, it seemed OK. We were friends and I let it go. Now, he pulled the same crap, but it was worse. Maybe I will explain later. Not happy about it. I will cut him off permanently tomorrow. I would have today, but there wasn't an opportunity. If there isn't tomorrow, I will send a text. I am not happy with the sitch.
Oh, btw... today when I got home, I was out front doing yard work for awhile. When I came in, I am pretty sure... quite sure.. I saw xh drive by. WTH? He has to go out of his way. This is strictly a residential area. No route to anywhere but a house here.
I feel like I had an opportunity.. I worked hard, DB'ed my tail off... then had, in the grasp of my hands, an opportunity. And blew it.
Mighty - I think this is the crux of your current troubles. You think that somehow, if you had done something different, when ex poked his head out of the tunnel, he might have stayed.
This is a FALSE IDEA. His was not a true reconciliation, but just a temporary peek out of the MLC tunnel. While it's nice that you had it - at least you got the satisfaction of hearing some regrets, and that the OW wasn't all that - NOTHING you could have done at that time would have prevented him from going back into the tunnel. HE didn't do the work, he STILL isn't owning anything, and there could not have been any repair of the marriage if he didn't get to that point.
So - number one - stop blaming yourself for somehow missing an opportunity. There was no opportunity - it was a false alarm.
Number two - you are afraid to let go because you don't have a clear vision of the future. You hardly dated before him, so you have no life experience to draw on that tells you "There are other fish in the sea". But trust me - there ARE - LOTS. You will find love again when you are ready for it. And when you do, you will wonder why you wasted so much time mooning over ex.
Number 3 - even if he came crawling back to you on his knees tomorrow, you really wouldn't want him back. Not after the lack of character he has demonstrated, and not with the baggage of HWW for the next 20 years.
The affirmations from your in-laws, and ex's own words during his brief pop out of the tunnel, should reassure you that this WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE NOT LACKING - EX IS.
Ellie... your post made me cheese ear to ear. I mean, you are right! so right! You are hitting on things I haven't before.
And, I'm not gonna lie... I car pool. Today was not my day to drive. I was very quiet on my way home. I kept hearing you, in my head, (even though I don't know your voice..) "Let go or be dragged!"
I'm not even kidding...
Great post, Ellie. Gave me a whole new thing to think about... with a little bit of excitement!
I passed xh this morning on the way to work. I left later than usual. It was in the area of hww's mom. It is evident he was taking the small clan of gypsies (thanks job- much nicer than my reference...) grandmas.
Made me feel sick in my stomach, but what are you going to do? What a good daddy.... To someone else's kid.
Blah.... Moving on!
Mighty ... yeah all that beating up n sctuff ... you know better. Truth is .. .all of us here had no way of knowing, no way to really stop this crisis, could we have handled things better ... some might say they could but I would argue HOW? How when for the most part all of us just assumed a MLC was the guy in his 40's buying a sports car and hoping to catch some 20 somethings eye ... nothing about MLC being able to take a W or a H and turn them into a blank eye alien monster who will not stop till all has been destroyed as the LBS tries to just piece together what happened.
I think we all have that guilt for a bit .. guilt there was a magic bullet we could have fired, a key word to snap them out of it .. anything .. heck I would have died my hair orange and ran naked through the streets if I thought it would have helped.
For me, it was meant to be, I had to go through the hurt and pain in order to become the man I should have been all along. I think for you ... you will have to discover the lesson, I have no doubt you will but for now I understand you are still looking and thats ok too .... this is not easy, but you know we are all here with you .. thick or thin .. wanting to see you out the other side.
Thank you, Cali. It means a lot to me.
Had talk w married *friend* today. I put it all out there and made it very clear- not interested. Put my boundary up! Amen!
Just got a call... They are going to install the new ac unit and finish vents for addition.
Been worried about $, but I just need to get this stuff done & move on! Starting from the bottom. Gonna work my way back.
Here I go.... Starting my ascent. Again.
Peace.
Glad you laid it all out for your married friend. I wouldn't be surprised if it went in one ear and out the other and he may very well try to test your boundary again in the future.
Glad the AC is being installed. Yes, it's expensive, but well worth it. One more thing to check off your list.
Glad you laid it all out for your married friend. I wouldn't be surprised if it went in one ear and out the other and he may very well try to test your boundary again in the future.
Agree .. no means "just not today" for some guys ... lol
Oh man, job and Cali! I cringe, because my first instinct was... well, I think he got it, but then I read your post. I'd disagree, but you guys are always RIGHT! Whatever I doubt... I'm wrong these days.
I was actually very proud of myself. And as it was happening, I realized how many different experiences I've had since bd. This, for sure, was one.
And once I started, I really put it out there. I started off letting him know to never come by my house again
What happened this weekend: Saturday, later in the afternoon, I was out back with d14 and the two kids she was babysitting. They were in the pool and I was helping d14 watch them swim. I got a text from my *friend* that he was coming over. I told him no. Next thing you know, he comes walking out back where we were. He had been drinking some, not sure how much. And he came and sat down talking like it was cool. I was sooooo uncomfortable. And pissed. My d has no idea who this guy is, and she was looking at me mouthing, "Who is that?"
I was really upset for several reasons, but MOSTLY bc of my d14. She has enough to figure out, she does not need to have this guys disfunction added in.
She knows my guy friends and wouldn't think twice about them stopping over. But, she does not know him, so you know the first thing she is thinking seeing some strange man come visit me. Like I'd drop that on her like that? But then, to clarify there is nothing going on, and I said, no, he's married, then cringe again. She is probably thinking, why is this married guy here with my mom? Like she isn't already screwed up about that.
I expressed to him all that ^^^ and how I was very upset about it. And that he was lucky my s18 wasn't there. He would have questioned him and his intentions right there! You could just sense the awkwardness... and probably the tension from me and my displeasure.
I made things uncomfortable enough that he didn't stay long.
I was mad. First, I thought I had made It clear before, but obviously not enough. We didn't even talk for like 2 months after that. Then, we started a little, and it was fine. I just thought we could be friends, he was embarrassed about what happened, and it wouldn't again. Well... now he shows up again. And my d was there. Not cool.
So, today I told him not to come by my house again. He was immediately embarrassed and kind of playing it off, but was like OK. Then, I figured I would lay it all out there. I went in. I made it very clear that my biggest issue was I was not going to let my kids be disrupted anymore, and that dropping by is not ok. Then, I let him know that I didn't like that I considered him a friend and he tried to take advantage of me knowing I was vulnerable.
I really stood up for myself and set boundaries. I was proud of how I expressed my feelings. And honestly, I thought as it was happening how much I respected myself for... respecting myself.. and standing up for myself... and in a respectable way!
When he tried to kind of minimize, I called him right out on it. He had to face it and said, "you are right." He was apologetic. Then my phone rang, and he was out like trout.
It felt good. Hmmm... score one for me in the growth department!
This evening I bout d18 a car! I am so excited! It's nothing fancy, but it had low miles and was a great price. I took my neighbor with me. He knows pretty much everything there is to know about cars. He said it was a good deal.
This was a pretty quick decision. Financially, it is putting me in a tough spot, but doable. Originally, I wanted to give him my car and get a new one. That would include s17 and I splitting the car payment on my old one until paid off, plus me with a new one.
Finances are tough. I was just going through them over the weekend and felt that may be too much. So, I looked online and saw this one. It was owned by an elderly person, which is why it has such low mileage. Anyway, it's a done deal. We should get it later this week when we can meet at the DMV.
I also cancelled cable. We don't watch it that much anyway. And the bill is so stinking high! So, I feel really good about that.
I have really realized, as far as xh... I don't want to know anything. At all. Whatever they do.... I don't even want a hint as to what it is.
I will do whatever I need to do to move forward with my life. Pushing, walking, praying, writing, celebrating, laughing, working, exercising, enjoying, believing... I will do.
There is a whole lot of greatness in your post. Just wanted to say Bravo!
And, I agree w/ the other guys, we men often (& I speak from being one of these at times) don't know when to take a hint and stop trying. Although, I've had a lot of women I wasn't really interested in keep pursuing in part because I became a challenge and more interesting for my resistance, nothing compares to the gaul we men are capable of in disrespecting boundaries women lay down. Sorry.
Thanks, asitis! Luckily I am well versed in boundary setting, thanks to xh. And everyone else seems like a cake walk compared to him!
Mighty
Nice going setting dude straight ... yeah he is definately trying to push himself in. Some guys are like that .. maybe it works for them, seems your fella has a few drinks to courage up ... I did like how you recognize your own vulnerability and the fact he might exploit that ... thats amazing self awareness.
You touched on the kids. Back .. 7 months ago or so ... I had dropped rope and a long time friend of mine who has been divorced a few years contacted me out of no-where. Evidently she got wind of my situation, there was always that flirt vibe between us. Anyways she invited me over, her kids were there and I never really thought much of it as .. I was just there hanging out .. not looking to pursue ANY R ... after some wine my "uh oh radar" went off and realized she had other thoughts. She pressed that we all do something the following weekend, her I and ALL the kids ... I, like you, put the hammer down and was very clear I would not do that to me S, he seen W basically create a new family after she left ours in a matter of months ... no way would I throw that curve ball at him .. I am his rock and his needs outweighed mine (Besides not being interested really helped)
So I truly respect you and what you did, very proud of you and how you are handling things and carrying yourself Mighty .. keep going you are going to be more than fine.
Thanks, Cali. Yeah, when the kids are involved... Homie don't play that. Thanks for the support; I really appreciate it. It felt good to protect myself... and my kids!
OK, so busy, busy week! Lots going on. Just going to post about today's events. I'm beat! It's amazing what a toll emotions can take on you.
First, it was s18's graduation! Whoop whoop! He made it!
I have been a little on edge about where xh fits in all this... but have really kept it at bay, for the most part.
The graduation, itself, was like 40 minutes away at an amphitheater. It is a fairly large class, and that's where they can fit everyone.
S18 and I had one last conversation the other day about giving his dad a ticked. He refused. I hate talking about it... I feel like I am in such an uncomfortable position. Everyone gets 5. I had a feeling tho, since I haven't heard from xh about it in over a month, he had found a way to get one. Especially after Wal-Gate, I knew he wouldn't reach out to me again. I just hate this.
Anyway, its like a monsoon here! Non-stop downpour. Although the ceremony was covered, the long walk was mess. But, it's all good.
After the ceremony, I found s18, and we were headed out with d14... into the monsoon. Not too far out the door, xh and bil (next door) were right there and rushed all up on s18.
The entire amphitheater was filtering out into the rain. It was wet, crowded, and.... whoa... it became very uncomfortable. It seemed like chaos! Like in a movie or something. You couldn't even digest what was happening!
Xh was there in a flash. It was so unexpected to seem him approach like that. He got all up on s18... grabby and pushy! Then he put his arm around his shoulder and was trying to pull him aside. We continued to walk briskly through the crowd and rain... with umbrella colliding everywhere. XBil was going in every direction.. d14 didn't know which way to go... but s18 pressed on... as did I. Within the first few seconds, when xh put his arm around s18 tightly, he looked right over at me, who was on the other side of s18. He made direct eye contact, but... not turning his entire face.. It was a full-intent look, but a side-eye. He held it for a few seconds.
I can't even tell you the look. I just don't even know, but there was some serious intent in it. The best guess I can think was, "F U, I got a ticket." But, honestly, I just don't know. But, there was some sort of distinctive purpose... I just don't know what.
He continued to press on s18. S18 handled it so well. He just kept forward and kept calm. He just told him no. No, he was not going to talk to him. Xh started talking condescendingly to him, but still tried to get him to... well... I'm not sure. XBIL stepped in a little... in the mess, and said congrats to s18. S18, turned, acknowledge him, shook his hand, and thanked him.
Xh then tried to give s18 a card. He said no thank you. Xh was pushy and said, "What, you don't want it?!" S18 said, "No, I'm good." Xbil gave him one and s18 accepted and thanked him.
At that point, I was a few steps ahead, hiding under my umbrella. Then I heard xh tell d14 to "come here" I could hear her say a few words, nicely, but we all pressed on.
This time, we were out in the parking lot, heading in a separate direction.
We made it to the car. It was heavy. S18 was upset. It's hard to explain. But almost like being involved in an accident or something. Like, it's out of your control, you are trying to stay safe, it's all happening so fast, there is chaos around you.. but... it's upsetting. And when you get to safety, you feel... heavy, upset, and trying to recollect yourself.
S18 said, "Man. He ruined my vibe!" It was quiet in the car. Everyone could feel the tension. I started pulling out, and guess who I pulled right up on?! Yup, walking right along where we were trying to get out.
Xh walked right up to my car to s18's window and knocked on it. He and xbil were laughing. XH got right down into the window and gave him a thumbs up and said, "Good job!" and laughed then stared to walk away. He flashed the peace sign, he looked through the front and gave a evil smile and continued to flash peace. (That's what I always did... but smiling and nice! I notice he has been doing things I have done in the past)
All I can say, is that when he came up to the car... it was evil! It seemed so mean! There were no good intentions. I don't know, maybe I am misreading, but... I did not feel good at all.
I didn't feel too much when he came by me. Felt a little more like when I'd see him in the fall. I could just feel the tension... and... anger.
I didn't say a word. I didn't give expressions. I didn't turn away. I did continue on when s18 took a moment to see xbil, but I gave him nothing.
After, we meet up with my oldest brother and his family and my parents. We had a nice dinner with lots of laughs.
Just weird, you guys. On a whole different level.
Oh, and since he picked up xbil next door, he must have seen that I bought s18 a car. Don't know what he thinks about that. I'm sure he has opinions and assumptions. Don't know... but it is a big deal for s18. Another one he has no part of or knowledge of. It's sad we got here.
I'm so sorry that happened on his graduation. I'm glad you managed to have a nice dinner after.
Wow. He is one messed up guy with not a clue why his kids don't want him in their lives.
Mighty,
This is sorta weird. I've been reading this book where you take uncomfortable feelings you experience in the now and you try to trace them back to some situation or experience you had in childhood.
In my case... extreme anxiety-filled procrastination/avoidance. Anyway, I've been reading this book this evening and trying to get all accepting of myself and understand why I do the things I do.
I take a break and jump on the boards and read your sitch.
I was suddenly filled with memories of my own graduation. I didn't give my dad a ticket. He had left my mom when I was 14, but we hadn't mended fences by the time I graduated and I had 3-4 really difficult years after he left... my mom remarried an abusive stepdad, had to switch schools, left our home, my dad remarried the "secretary" shortly after the divorce was final, etc... I didn't feel comfortable giving my dad a ticket. I was hassled a lot about this decision. I look back now and I completely get why I didn't want him there. His actions created a bunch of chaos in my life. I caved to the pressure and gave him a ticket in the end.
Anyway. My point. I'm 46 and still haunted by some of these events. I'm very hard on myself. I wish to he!! someone had said, "I get it. I get why you feel the way you do and it's OK. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling a certain way. You just feel how you feel and it's all good."
That episode in the parking lot had to leave a serious imprint on your son. It's bad enough he had his high school career jostled by his dad's insanity, but to have graduation tainted like that too?? What a d-bag.
I know you are an amazing mom and will handle the situation with all your mighty-ness. Just thought my hindsight, from sorta being in the position myself once, might help.
Whoa, Heather. That is VERY interesting. Hmmmm... what a coincidence you were just reading that, too. Thank you for sharing. I am so glad we had a great time at dinner after. My brother even got the waitress to play a prank on my son. It was so funny, and s18 love it. My family is a bunch of jokesters!
And honestly, Heather... he may have been laughing it up, but it was such an awkward situation. Laughing with his brother... anger towards s18 and me. I don't think he knows what else to do! It cant be the best feeling when your own son does not want to acknowledge you on his graduation.
My fault.
I can handle that. I can keep it moving. Blaming me is not going to change anything. And I no loner let it bear any burden on me.
It's really just sad. S18 was pretty grumpy this morning. I think he was feeling it prior.
Look at how awesome it is that you and the kids went out and had fun after that episode! That's so amazing.
What a wonderful gift to give your kids.
And, I'm with ya sista. Can't feel good to be in ol' d-bag's shoes tonight. No matter how you spin the truth, it's still the truth and it's gotta sting like a mo fo.
Much love to you. YOU helped S18 graduate through this quagmire of B.S. You guys did it. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with emotion that we survived and Cal graduated!!
That is no small achievement. Celebrate it and leave d-bags antics in the dust.
Oh Mighty, he is still sticking to his MLC script, and itis all about him being right. Nothing else matters but pretending that.
They do screw things up for their kids, but they don't get it.
Down the line you will be able to laugh at the awfulness, but at the time it hurts, because of who he was and what you had.
If they just could go away and leave us to get on withour lives, it would be a blessing by comparison.
You are an amazing woman, and your kids are so lucky to have you.
I agree 100% with Heather
Mighty, I’m so sorry you and your son had this “experience” on one of the important days of your lives, his graduation.
The good thing is that you had a dinner with your family after this. I hope the memories of this will overwrite all the uncomfortable things that happened during the graduation.
Mighty, I can feel what you went through, I really do… It is so weird, but I can absolutely picture and feel what you described. I think you did great! I just hope that the good moments with you and your family will overwrite the bad feelings that you S18 has about his Dad at this important event in his life.
Love… ((((((Mighty))))) And congratulations!
Mighty,
Congratulations to your son on his graduation. I'm sure the ceremony was beautiful and went of w/o a hitch, even if it was pouring cats and dogs.
As for your xh, shame on him! However, Bea is right, he is following the MLC script to a "T". Notice how he was up close and personal w/your son, i.e., trying to talk to him, putting his hand on him? He wanted the attention and when your son didn't give him any, he got frustrated. He saw that his brother was able to talk to your son, give him a card, etc. and trust me, your xh was not a very happy camper. He just had to get that last act of behavior in at the end. PA behavior came out to play just a wee bit. I don't know what he expected when he walked away from his family, not once, but twice. He's going to learn that there consequences for his actions and it's already started.
I think you and your family handled the uncomfortable situation very well and went on to have a very good time w/family.
Again, congratulations to your son. You have so much to be proud of when it comes to your children and how you've handled the situation that has hit your family so very hard.
Mighty -
Ugh! Sorry you went through this.
My oldest recently graduated college, and I'll admit, it galled me to see my ex acting all proud papa when he had f-all to do with getting him to this point.
Your son is old enough to make his own decisions and you're right to respect that. On the other hand, in the long run,he will be better off if he can come to some cordial relationship with his father. I have seen the corrosive effects in my ex's family of the children carrying a grudge against the WAS and it's not pretty. Perhaps you can help him find a way to have healthy boundaries but also compassion for the terrible toll MLC is ex acting on ex, and remember the good parenting that his father gave when he was young. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
D14 just took a pic of this and texted it to me:
Dear Woman,
Sometimes
You'll just be too much woman.
Too smart,
Too beautiful,
Too strong.
Too much of something
That makes a man feel like less of a man,
Which will make you feel like you have to be less of a woman.
The biggest mistake you can make
Is removing jewels from your crown
To make it easier for a man to carry.
When this happens, I need you to understand-
You do not need a smaller crown-
You need a man with bigger hands.
Thanks, Heather. It was awesome that we went out and had a good time. I just talked with my mom. She had no idea that even happened. She said we all seemed so happy at the dinner afterwards.
Bea... He certainly does not get it! And yes, it would be so much easier to just live totally separate lives.
Bright, Yeah- I felt bad for s18. It was tough to see him have to deal with that. The good thing is, he seemed great not too long after, and has been in a really good mood since. He is having lots of fun with his friends right now. And he and d14 are getting along so well... I savor the moments!
Thanks, job. You certainly get this whole thing, and I appreciate you sticking by me and helping me through.
Ellie- I agree. Right now, I'm letting the chips fall where they may. Once the dust settles, the kids can start from there. Now, they are just figuring things out and still pretty raw. Congrats to your son! That's great, and he had an awesome mom who had his back!
Thanks so much all of you guys. You are so insightful and it means a lot to me to hear from you. I think this guy is so far gone. It makes me lose hope of him ever finding his way back to reality and being accountable. I think that's at least what my kids are looking for (?).
I had a thought today. Something hit me. I realize that seeing/dealing with xh and hww takes on an emotional toll. They vary between the two.
In both circumstances, I am dealing with PTSD type reactions/emotions... whatever you want to call it. I can tell it's improving. But, in a circumstance such as PTSD... I feel a fight or flight response. As with a panic attack.
I realized that with xh, I get the flight instinct. And with hww, I get the fight instinct. Possibly because with xh, he has been the direct source of pain, so, naturally, I want to escape the possibility of more. With hww, it's more like... hmmm... something that has moved onto my territory and I need to protect it.
Yes! I think that's it! It's not that I have felt one is to blame more than the other, but one is from my own camp. Betrayal. I need to remove that. Get away from it.
The other source came into my world- unwanted, and I feel protective and that I need to fight it off.
OMG... I am getting a better idea of my own feelings and reactions!
Anyway, my feelings are much more tempered down than in the past. I see no sense to argue at all. I don't even feel the need to defend myself at this point.
Other encounters in the past have sent me spinning for a least a few days, if not a week. The past one hasn't been so horrific. I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing. However, it's not the same.
I'm not bothered so much by the encounter, really. I guess just seeing him puts him back in my mind. It also doesn't help that I'm not working this week. Instead, I'm still finishing up major projects that we started together. It's fine, feels good to get things done, just a little daunting.
After the hustle and bustle of last week, I'm finding the quietness of the past two days irritating. There is plenty to do. Just feeling lonely.
On a positive note, my thoughts have been much more *self* focused. I have found that my thoughts, when xh is out of the picture, are so much more positive. Last week, I hardly thought of him at all. With that, my confidence was starting to climb. When thoughts of him creep up, I can feel my worth and value start to diminish. Interesting realization for me.
Acknowledging this makes me more aware that I need to stay away from him, and my desire to have him in my life is put into perspective. It's not that I desire him now, but... you know... what was...
Last week, something interesting happened. First, I find that when people pay me a compliment, I feel that they are saying it because they feel they have to. Like it's an empty statement. What I've further noticed, is that I tend to cut people off when they are saying it. And, that it's like I block out something nice someone says. Like the TV goes fuzzy, but it's in my brain, and their words get *fuzzed* out.
So, anyway, after work last week, a bunch of us went out for a little bit. We work in a different town, but met up in the town I live (many of us live here). So, after a little while, we decided to go back to my house, order some food and hang out.
Later that night, lots of people left, and there were just a couple of us. The people left were people I've know for years, but haven't really hung out with much. Two of them were a couple and there was another guy, who is married.
We were all just talking by the fire. The couple, both previously divorced, were talking about what they went through. The other guy had called off an engagement (a week before his wedding) prior to being married.
The guy is such a nice guy. I mean, so laid back. So genuine. Just all-around great guy. He said that there were going to be people lined up down my street to get with me. I just laughed it off. Then he said something like, "If I weren't married to xx, I'd ......." Enter fuzz at ....
Then I heard, "I'm serious. I even told your brother that."
So, I'm not sure exactly what he said, because my brain has a way of refusing to hear or believe any type of thing like that from a good person.
I have thought about it since. Not in a way other married *friend* was at all... but, I was like a... hmm... moment where I stepped back... in... shock??
I guess my eyes opened a little wider. The fact that this really great guy would say something like that. I guess I have never imagined that someone who is... like that (I don't know how else to put it)... could be in my world... like that. Granted, not HIM, for obvious reasons (and he was not at all disrespectful in what he was saying... from what I heard!)
I guess I just always thought only a certain type would want me... kind of like what I've been attracting... xh, stalker guy, and a couple of creepy married guys.
So, I just figured, as par for the course, I'd ramble on with my latest thoughts...
Mighty
Interesting post .... one I really liked seeing as this was more about a seriously deep look into you vs much to do with your h/hww and one that I just found myself forming a great big smile as I read as you really looked deep at yourself there... very good thing, even better you shared with us.
So something jumped out at me, correct me here .. seems you are having a hard time giving yourself credit. And even a harder time accepting guys other than the low level stalker types would be interested in you ... is it the fall out from the self esteem that took a serious blow?
I say this because I was there too ... thinking at a point .. I would only end up with the "drunk club chick" types and never have what I felt was a 'true' relationship again ... all due to being put through this ... hearing some of those Monster Spews and half way believing them.
So you need to get your swag back a bit .. not talking the "I'll go Mighty on your ass" swag .... but just accept you are the prize .. do not tune me out here .. keep that TV on this channel .. you are the prize, and I have no doubt guys would line up if you just dropped the wall a tiny bit .. but unlike them I understand the reasons for those walls .... But Mighty .. once you are able to let your hair down, toss on those heels and go dance and be carefree ... no doubt in my mind the fellas will be all about it ... not just for the reasons one might guess, but because of who you are and the fact your personality makes one feel its impossible not to want to know you for you.
Cali! OMG... you have no idea... I will get to that in a sec...
S18 called his dad last night to meet him after work. He called me right after to tell me he was going. He said that the incident at graduation has been weighing heavily on him and he needed to clear the air. I was surprised, but happy for him. Glad he is sorting through his own emotions.
He didn't say much about their meeting, and I didn't pry. He just said that it went well. He did tell me that he let his dad know that I don't have anything to do with the kids and his r. He told him that what he texts d14 about being my words, that it is untrue. And that it was him who didn't want him at graduation and not me, and even told him that I had asked him several times if he was sure he didn't want to give xh a ticket.
I am not sure xh believes it, or maybe he thinks I wanted to see him there or something... but who cares. I was just proud of s18 for doing what he needed to do for him.
On another note... Cali... is that you? Sorry... I couldn't hear you over the roar of the falls....
Ha! Just kidding... honestly, that was a really nice post. Very nice, and it has made me think even a little further into this... by this, I mean me.
So something jumped out at me, correct me here .. seems you are having a hard time giving yourself credit. And even a harder time accepting guys other than the low level stalker types would be interested in you ... is it the fall out from the self esteem that took a serious blow?
I don't know. It's a good question. I think that prior to the "blow" there was a disintegration of it. That's what I am realizing.
I just thought about this... last night I went over to my brothers for a little bit. He had a couple of friends there, and I was being ME. It feels so good to have that part of me back. I thought about how I would have been if xh was with me, and I realized that I would have done more of a mirror of his personality. Not that it was always like that, but it happened over time.
I have a distinct memory of a time when my bil came up from Maryland with his new girlfriend (now his wife). We were all going to dinner and then to a concert. As the four of us were walking into the bar/grill, bil said to his new lady (whom I had JUST met), "Wait till you see Mighty. She is a trip. She is crazy and so much fun."
Xh said, "Don't say that bc then she will feel like she has to perform."
I was hurt by that, but never said a word. It was like 10 years ago. But.. perform? I was always the same when he met me. I just have that kind of personality. It is a big part of me. It is me!
But things like that started to chip away at me, and I started to lose myself. (So last night... I was me.) And my brother has made comments about it lately... he notices, and, apparently, knew all along what was going on.
So, Cali, I guess it was both. I think some of this had an impact on what I feel. I was broken down... trying to be everything I was "supposed" to be. I wasn't good enough. I changed myself to be just right. I did whatever I need to do to be the best for him. Then I was thrown out like trash.
Where does that leave me now? I don't know. But I can tell you this, I like the original me, and the new me way better than the suppressed me. I guess I just feel no one else will. Well, like that. I mean, I know people like me and like to hang out with me and have fun. But, that's about it. Other than creeps...
So you need to get your swag back a bit .. not talking the "I'll go Mighty on your ass" swag ....
That's funny.
This one... I don't know. I mean, the prize for whom? Me? A stranger?
My thoughts continue to take me away... I think I am fun. I think I was a really good wife. But... hmmm... I mean, I was thrown out with out so much as a thought. With no respect. No dignity. No... goodbye. I guess, yeah, I am basing my feelings on that of another. But, this other was the one who I believed loved me, would protect me, and would honor our family. I got none of that. I get it, he's in crisis. But, he's not insane! He has the ability to express feelings to someone else. To honor his new baby. WTF? OK, not going there...
I have a very dysfunctional r with myself. Sometimes I feel really good. I crack myself up a lot. I like things about myself. Other times I annoy myself. I feel like a burden in people's lives. Sometimes, I hate to look at myself.
Like, even if I tried to list good qualities about myself, I'd be so humiliated. I tried doing it the other day in a post. For some dumb reason.. can't remember why, but anyway, I deleted that part. It seemed so stupid.
Going back to your question, Cali... I think a lot of it has to do with the Looking Glass Theory. I feel fine. I feel like I am a good person, fun, and not horrific to look at. But others perception of me are like... yeah, she's a great chick, but... not like that.
Aaaahhhh..... I even cringe saying all this. But... I got issues, man....
but because of who you are and the fact your personality makes one feel its impossible not to want to know you for you.
Cali... That part.. ^^^^
I have no words....
I've been sifting.. I have actually surprised myself how much *stuff* if let filter out... And away. Getting to be in a much better place. But the sifting is interesting.... It leaves the *big* pieces exposed and unhidden.
Abandonment.
I see how it affects my feelings in several situations. I don't see clearly enough to sort through it yet. It's gonna take awhile.
On a positive note, these bigger issues are more exposed due to the diminishing "so what" issues. I feel good most of the time, despite my brief breakdown last night... As I was sitting alone in my humongous, nearly done kitchen... Overlooking the new-ish redone backyard xh and I did. I felt pretty small and alone... But... Over it...
Hey my peeps! Hope you all are well. Hey to all the newbies! Too many... Makes me sad, but glad you found this place.
Mighty - glad to read you are doing better. It DOES get better. You are well on your way. Hang in there. The best is yet to be for you! (((hugs))
LiveNow
Mighty- glad to hear you are doing well. All that inner dialogue sounds so familiar. Have you been eavesdropping? You keep trying to rationalize what can never be rationalized. Giving too much worth to a person that does not value other people in the same way. The more time passes the more I see that the man I married does not walk this earth. For whatever reason he has ceased to exist.
You are an amazing and precious person. Your kids see this. Your friends and family do too. Surround yourself with only these folks and just let the past be the past. Hang in there mighty.
Hey girl...how are you doing? I know you're busy so check in when you can.
Hey guys!
Just wanted to let you know that things are great these days. I am so happy. I have released, released, released! uR, you got it girl... those times you would tell me I was still giving him headspace, well I was.
It was much less, so I thought it was OK. Which it was, and a process in which I needed to go through. I actually thought I would always have the thoughts and questions.. that would appear in my mind.
Now, I get it... that's still headspace. I can say I feel it is gone. It has been a good chunk of time, I know, so much more to go, but I have overcome the most difficult.
I never could even imagine that I would get to a place where I just didn't really even care anymore. Didn't think it was possible.
I know I was progressing, but Wal-Gate brought forth a fast and furious release. Eye-opening, not caring, energy release for me.
I have released them, from my mind, to go do whatever, however, whenever they want. Don't want to know. Don't care.
Enough about that. I am happier. Quite possibly happier than I've ever been in my life. It's amazing what can happen to you when you let go of such a major burden. So many follow, ones you didn't even know existed.
It's a very different view of the world and mind-set that I have now. I am at peace. I am comfortable. Things are good.
I still struggle with overcoming setbacks, like financially, and with the house and kids, but nothing that is debilitating. The kitchen is not done, but it is functional and mostly complete. I am at a standstill, for financial reasons. And that's ok. It is beautiful and amazing. We love it. My friends love it. My kids love it. It's huge and a big hang out area.
We have had lots of pool time and gathering. It's just such a fun, positive, relaxing atmosphere in my house now. People call and come by a lot for some relaxation and laughs.
I feel pretty good about myself. I think I look better than I have in a very long time. Granted, the irreversible toll the past two-three years have taken on me (even prior to bd) is present. But I have embraced it, and I think that my smile makes a bit of a difference. I'd forgotten what it was like for awhile. Which is so not me. And I get comments about it often now, too. And, I am back at my ideal weight, too.
Had my 20 year reunion this weekend. It was like a weekend event. It was a blast and I know I would have never enjoyed it like I did without... weight.
Anyway, lots of new things going on. Nothing significant. I will post again in the near future, but I just wanted to give a shout out to my friends and supporters.
Oh, my brain is still transitioning, tho. I can feel it struggling with things at times. I think in a way that is described as what a MLCer feels. Like, I think I obtained some sympathy pains of it. Emotionally contagious. Weird.
I will just put one thing that has happened... well the only thing since Wal-Gate. I was taking on the burdensome task of cleaning out the office the other day. It was his room. Still has stuff there, like birth cert, and all sorts of things.
Anyway, for the past year and a half, I haven't really been in there. I used it as a room to "dump" things in while the house was under construction.
So, on the desk, there were some file folders. I picked them up and right there on top of the desk, right out in plain sight, something I had never even looked at.
On a piece of computer paper, turned landscape direction, in xh's writing, "I CAN'T CHANGE". It was traced over and over a few times. His writing, no doubt. It was the only thing on the paper. Dead center of the paper. Right out on the desk. He had been spending a little more time in there prior to bd. But, it was a bit of a.... moment for me.
Confusing, weird, shaking stuff up... but nothing like it ever has. Add to it all his "stuff" including our marriage cert, divorce papers, pictures of us, 'his' room, 'his' stuff... and that paper.
But I'm OK, and it does not bother me anymore, really. I felt badly for him to be such a broken person. IT's just not my problem anymore.
So keep it going, guys. The support here is amazing, and going through the process is so worth everything. EVERYTHING... bc it changes EVERYTHING for the better. And that's the way I want to live the rest of my life.
Mighty,
I'm so happy you came by and posted an update. Yes, it's quite a load that you've been carrying around, but boy, once you let it go, you feel a hundred times lighter. I'm very happy that you've truly begun the process of letting go. Yes, there will be times when things hit you, but you've got this and you now know that those times will get shorter and shorter as time moves along.
So, how was the reunion? Did you enjoy yourself? You mentioned the kitchen...how's that going? Take it one step at a time and when you have a few dollars, sock it away for the rest of the renovations. What I found useful for me was to dump all of my pocket change into a jar and when it got full, I'd take it to the bank and do the change counter and you'd be surprised at home much you saved up just in coins. You might want to think about doing that because it's easier.
You sound so much better and I hope that the rest of the summer is a happy one for you and your family!
So nice to read an update, Mighty! You sound great. I'm right there with you. I haven't felt this good in a VERY long time. I'm ME again, and I'm having fun. Sounds like you are too. We had to walk through it to get to the other side, one painful step at a time. Happy to hear you're coming back to life along with me!!!
LiveNow
P.S. I love "Wal-gate". Hilarious.
I love this! So happy for you, Mighty. You are one wonderful lady:)
Hey girl...well, alright, alright, alright..love the tone of that post.
Funny thing when you let go more and more, right? You feel lighter. When you do, it leads to other stuff. Like you enjoying your home, family and friends more. It makes it all richer and deeper.
Sad about that piece of paper..for a lot of reasons. Mostly because imagine what that feels like..how stuck and final and bleak it must be to feel like you cant change yourself or your life, but, it's not your problem any longer.
You are doing wonderfully, sweetie. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. So very happy for you.
There will be moments that feel like a little setback. They aren't though. Sometimes you can leap over a puddle and sometimes you have to back up to take a running leap.
Keep going, my friend...the best is yet to be.
Mighty --- yay for you!! How I want to get to that place of detachment. You sound fabulous and fierce and happy. So thrilled to know that you are doing so well.
{{{hugs}}}
Mighty - so good to have an update! You rock
Hey Mighty...just wanted to know how you are doing...
Ditto - Mighty, where are you? Is everything okay in your world? Here's hoping your remodeling is all done, your kids are doing great in school, you have a tall dark and handsome new guy, and your ex and OW have moved far far away!
Hi guys! Just wanted to drop in real quick. My life has been so busy since summer. And, boy, what a different life I live now! It took some adjustment to get used to all the changes, little by little, step by step... all changes. It took time... still taking time. However, I can honesty say I would never, ever ever go back to my old life. Never!
I have really found the sweet-spot of my life~ I mean, yeah, it's full of chaos, struggles, upsets, and all the raunchy things that life can throw you, coupled with repairing a torn heart, shattered self-esteem, destroyed family, disintegrated future, and, of course, all the...ahem...excitement a mlcer leaves behind...and them some... and a bag of chips, too!
So, all that, and yeah, I'm pretty stinkin happy. I'd like to say the new me, but, well, more importantly, the OLD me has returned. I like that chick. OK, so I was 18 the last time she truly made an appearance... and who the heck is an 18 year-old anyway? Well, yeah, I found her soul... but now she is a little wiser, calmer, patient, considerate... and all that fantastic stuff. So, yup ,I've grown. A lot. Still lots to go, and I hope I always have my eyes open, even on my own reflection.
My house is still at a stand-still. I'm out moo-la... which evidently, you need for renovations and additions... but, we make do. And I am in the process of refinancing. Whew! The last little tie....
S18 is doing great in college. He really likes it and is working hard at ensuring good grades so he can transfer and go away to college.
D14 is doing well. I had a feeling that this was going to be her year for... processing... and it seems to be true. She transferred about 3 weeks into school to go with me to the district I'm in. She has been asking since everything went down if we could move away... this was the best I could do for her. But, with some understandable ups and downs, she is doing considerably well... despite being a 14-year-old girl....haha.. dem girls be full of da drama...
Xh is stewing a little as of late... I really haven't heard a peep since Wal-Gate until recently. He has sent a text and about 4 emails... just dumb stuff about refinancing and crap. I haven't responded. In fact, I have tried to block him from every possible account/number I could! Just caont seem to do it with one of my email accts... but I'm just going to change it. I really have no reason to communicate with him. BD date, year 2 passed on 10/21. I didn't think about it until d14 exclaimed, "Do you know what today is?" Then proceeded to tell me it was 10/21- Back to the Future day or something or other. I realized it then. Felt nothing. Halloween, of course, xh bday. Again, felt nothing (and had a fab day!). Hmm.. and now that I think of it, our wedding anniversary would be this week. I feel nothing. I have totally moved on. The guy I thought was my husband does not exist, and frankly, I hate wasting my time thinking or talking about him. He gets nothing from me, and I do believe I have become the queen of no contact! I own that $hit! Know why? He isn't worth it and does not deserve one second of me.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot!! He emailed me that he has cancelled child support payments until I respond to him! Haha~ what a dummy. He really still thinks he has control of me and that he can make up his own rules to get what he wants. I want to add a significant point here... that would have made me spin in the past. Now I think he is pathetic. But, when I saw this email...I was literally sitting in the dr office. I felt my blood pressure go up and I thought I should have them check it, as they had just taken it. And it hit me... here I was in the dr office again... dealing with the effects of stress my body had endured for two years. The last email I had gotten from him, I was in the dr office. And it was one year ago that I had surgery bc of him. That's when I decided to totally block him. I did not need continued anxiety from his stupid messages.And his messages don't give me the anxiety they did before, but I HATE hearing from him! I feel like I could go the rest of my life w/o ever talking to him again! I have no reason to communicate with him at this point. So, I won't.
Moving on...
Again, I'm good; however, the stress... stress... stress... has taken a toll on my body. All last year, as people worried about me... as I was withering away, I knew I was strong and healthy and I wasn't worried about my physical health. And now, my body is telling me it endured just as much as my head and heart... my mental and emotional weren't the only things affected. It has taken me forever to get into a dr, but I go this week. I have a litany of... I don't know... side effects... I'm not entirely falling apart or anything, but my thyroid is off and blah, blah, blah.... I will be ok, just be careful peeps... take good care of yourself!!! Even when you think you are good... dealing with mlc is no joke.
Outside of that... so much fun in my life! My social life is on point. Lots of good peeps to hang with. I have made so many amazing new friends and have unexpectedly reunited with some past friends too! I always have so much going on... in a good way!
And.. Ellie.... yup... tall dark handsome new guy... It's actually the guy I went to the wedding with over the summer as friends. We were very close friends in high school. I've known him for 30 years. We were on the same soccer team when we were 9! Anyway... I was not looking for anyone- at all.. and I really questioned if I would ever even be in a r again... and wasnt really into the idea. But this is way different. And really good. I have learned so much and I know exactly what I DONT want in a r. I know I would never get intertwined in a co-dependent r again... We both have our own lives, and respect that. He is so good to me. Very respectful. We have tons of fun...it's just really good.
Anyway, guys, that's just the quick and dirty... I felt I should check in; particularly to thank you for all you have done for me. I can still hear many of you in my head as I maneuver my way through this part of my life... through the good and bad... you have given me wisdom, courage, insight, strength, perspective, friendship, and hope. Thank you.
I FREAKING LOVE YOU, MIGHTY!!!!!!!
Omg I miss you!!! so great to read your update!!!
I have to read again because I was skimming quickly so I could respond....
OMG YOU'RE SO GREAT!!!!
LOVE YOU TOO!!!!
How weird is THAT that we checked in on the same night?!?!?
(Twilight Zone music ensues.....)
Mighty,
It took a long time to get where you are today...but woman, you are doing fantastic. I'm so glad that you finally have gotten to this place of detachment and are living your life for you now.
Renovations will continue as the money comes in. Knowing you, you'll get them done...little by little, but you will be proud of all that you've accomplished on your own.
Might, I'm so proud of you. You've walked a difficult path and now...it appears to be far smoother for you than ever before.
As for the children, I'm happy that your son is doing well in college. He will enjoy meeting new people and if his goal is to get good grades so that he can go away to college, he'll be determined to do so. Your daughter is still having a tough time of it, but in time, she'll heal.
Never ever doubt that you are a great mother and beautiful person. Your strength shines through in this posting. I'm glad you returned to give us an update. Keep up the good work!
Tall dark and handsome, gotta love it
As for the texts and emails from ex: I suppose, since you still have kids together, you might need to actually have some line of communication available for communication about issues with them. I stick to email and stick to just the facts.
Hi Mighty!
I just caught up with your sitch. We must have the same MLC'er. But I am so happy for you moving on. You are so strong and brave and MIGHTY :-) Focus on the GOOD!
Congrats on your new life!May the Lord shine His face upon you... Numbers 6:24-26
You are doing GREAT! Prayers lifted for you and your kiddos.
God Bless,
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Hi Mighty
So great to read your update and that you are doing well. Its been a real rollercoaster of a ride for you and I am so happy that its slowed down enough for you to enjoy the view !!
I am so happy that you feel back in control of your own life again and that your family are thriving, its a wonderful and inspiring update to see from you.
[[hugs]]
Mighty
Great seeing the update, your ears must have been ringing I was just thinking about you
Mighty,
I'm so happy things are going well for you and the kids. You are in my thoughts often! Much love :-)
It is great to hear from you Mighty, and that you and the kids are doing wonderfully!
Mighty,
It's time to start a new thread because you have 103 postings/replies.
So happy to read your update, sweetie. I never had one doubt that you would get through this in your wonderful Mighty way. Keep going...the world awaits.