I took a huge emotional step today. I went to the grocery store and got a different loyalty card. The one we used for the last 15 years was attached to H's phone so I had to give it to them every time I went grocery shopping. The actual card has been long gone but I didn't want to get a new one. Silly but just giving them his H's number made me feel like he was still here. Pathetic but true.
That IS a big step, Gwen! Did it make you feel a little stronger? It can be sad, but, let it give you the independent vibe!
I had to switch mine, bc xh would use the gas point on it! (We can earn discounts on gas the more you spend. Whenever I would go to the gas station, they would be gone!!!! What a pr!ck!) Needless to say... for me changing it was a bit of a different feeling....
And hey- NOT PATHETIC! Don't ever think that! It's a strange bizarre-o world they put us in. Dealing with our emotions is a horse of a different color.
Good for you Gwen. I can see how it can be a huge step emotionally. But eventually, it also can be very liberating.
I opened my own bank accounts and separate credit card, even though I still have joint once with H. They are there for convenience purposes. All I can say is that having my own accounts and credit cards make me feel more in control of my life.
Reality is my middle name but maybe it should have been independence?
H wrote my atty yesterday to see if the lawsuit was dismissed after H signed the separation agreement. He avoided doing anything for months but now H takes care of business. I guess he's making plans as he moves to OW's city in a few weeks. Gosh that still stings but I have boundaries now -- the house, alimony, child support. I have a full time job and am starting a new chapter. I told H I love him enough to let him go and now I have to love me enough to follow through on that promise with my heart and my head.
Going to be alone this weekend. Not dreading it and not sure why the shift? I am grateful for it though - a little acceptance is a good thing.
Keep on keeping on. You are awesome.... Don't ever forget that!
Hugs
Gwen - you are amazing, don't ever forget that.
I have a loyalty card for a grocery store and my h linked his card with mine which he has never removed so I get all their points ....and points mean lots of vouchers for moi ha ha.
Gwen - to make that leap in your head, wow. You are really doing so well with all of this. Keep going my friend, we shall walk this minefield of craziness together :o) ((hugs))
Tomorrow is Easter and in May it will be 1 year since BD.
H just quit job and took another one to move in with OW. Luckily the financial piece is settled so I don't have to talk to him much. right now we must finish up the business of taxes, insurance, etc. --- After all that I imagine the only thing to expect is the direct deposit. Gosh that sounds awful. I loved him for my entire adult life. The man I knew and loved is gone.
Not sure what I am feeling. Relief to be past the financial issues. Anger but not really anywhere to put it. I refused to be dramatic for the last year because it would hurt any financial settlement. Now it would just be sad to act angry so I am alone and I want to release this anger but I am too tired. I am mentally exhausted and my heart can't bleed anymore.
Hi Gwen,
You are handling thing exceptionally well. While he has run away, you have stood strong for your daughters.You have stood your ground and demanded what is only right. you have a lot to be proud of.
I can truly understand how mentally exhausted you are at this point. I would not worry about the anger. You will find ways here and there to let out little pieces of it to either there is no more or it no longer matters.
Gwen,
I for one understand your anger, your exhaustion and tiredness at the situation. This is all normal. There is no time line to the process for the LBS. It is a journey of healing, one that if you let your soul lead you through you will get to where you need to be.
I know this stinks.
All I can tell you is this. There is a better place mentally then where you are today. I understand the feeling of losing the person you thought would be there forever.
The part of this journey that is often missed(my opinion). Is that you should be your own best friend. When you are by yourself(are you really). The internal strength that can be gained from this experience is enormous. Take time to find the silver linings in this part of your life. It is well worth it.
Keep moving forward.
mirage
I agree with Mirage - the pain is immense, but not to feel it, for whatever reason, and to work through it, is to lose something.
I assure you that i didn't think this, believe this or feel this when I was there. I wanted it to stop. I wanted it to be over.
Take time to find the silver linings in this part of your life. It is well worth it.
this is so true. Take care. It is normal to feel pain, and it will go. The exhaustion is part of the healing process.
We do these things as we need to.
It was time. It does help when it's done.
Doing things totally differently and doing different things is what makes us stronger.
Gwen,
We all know what you are experiencing and it's painful, the ache in your heart is terrible because your heart has been split in two and the anger is there because of what he's done to you, your family and your financial status and the future you had hoped to share w/him.
Yes, it is a relief to have the financial issues resolved for now and I can understand the exhaustion because it's not only physical, but mental and emotional exhaustion that have hit you hard. Feel the pain, work through it, feel the exhaustion and when you are tired, rest a bit. The anger is something you will experience periodically throughout your journey. Feel that anger, use it to help you move forward. Find things that you can use that anger on, i.e., such as painting, weeding the flower bed, exercising, etc. If it gets to be too much take a drive somewhere, pull over and scream to your heart's content.
Whatever you do, do not stuff those feelings down...get them out there front and center and release them as you experience them. One you do, you will discover that you feel better, you will begin to grow and yes, continue to move forward.
We are here for you.
Today I definitely took a step back. Was so emotional about Easter that I sent H an email. Nothing full of anger but I said we went to Mass and then I babbled on a bt about the significant relationships in our lives. Told him I miss my H and wished him clarity and peace this Easter.
I mean I have the right to do reach out and he probably hit delete anyway. Guess I am dumbfounded that my H has just vanished. He texted the girls Happy Easter and I don't think they even responded. They have zero respect and I am still trying to pave a road home. Why? Am I really a saint or just feel like I am not worthy of any respect?
I keep thinking my H is in there somewhere. He's confused. He's unwell. I mean I fought for a separation agreement just in case this was permanent but clearly I keep thinking I'll wake up and he'll call and apologize. He's never made an attempt to reach out to me. Logically I know that but emotionally I just can't seem to face it.
Up until BD last year I don't think he ever lied to me. Maybe he did? I mean H fell so quickly into this abyss and now he is 2000 miles away. The running when life got tough was always there but we moved together. I thought H was ambitious but now I think he was avoiding monotony.
Why can't I accept this situation? My faith tells me marriage is a sacrament but there is a 3rd person in our relationship. H is choosing to live with another woman. As a Catholic he is turning his back on the church. We decided to raise and educate our girls in the faith. It boggles my mind that he could be so bold.
I was so determined to get the business of this separation out of the way. Now that I've done that I can't seem to get to the next place. I still wear my ring but he has removed his and is going to live with OW like we never existed.
I need to talk with the Priest. I am struggling with reconciling my faith with my moral compass. My girls see me and I wonder if they think I am compassionate or a woman with low self esteem? My heart would be breaking if I saw them having to endure a situatin like this.
Gwen, you are not a saint and you are not a woman with low self-esteem. You love your H, you had a marriage lasting for 25 years. It is not an easy thing to do (unless you are an MLCer), to turn off all the good memories and cut all connections, or to understand how the person who you thought was your best friend could do that.
He might actually wake up one day and realizes what he has done, and apologize. But, it is not going to happen until he goes through his journey. It is not even a year since your BD. He is still in a “new” relationship, thinking that he is on the way to happiness. Give it some time. As every relationship that is founded on lies and betrayal, it will start to crumble sooner or later.
As for you not moving to the next place after you’ve done your separation agreement, you accomplished a very important step, which gives you piece of mind about your finances. Now, get your patience shovel. Take care of yourself and your girls.
At least he texted your Ds to wish them Happy Easter. It means he is thinking about them.
Gwen
I am glad you have filed for separation. This is important for your protection (financial). You need to have that in case he never comes around.
I am so very sorry for the pain you are going through, I can only imagine how terrible it must feel. You are a brave lady and I admire your patience and you standing for your marriage.
I will pray for you and your family.
Hi Gwen. Do you really feel like you took a step back? Maybe there was something you needed to say- for you. It's not like you do it every week. You said how you feel. That's OK. At least, I think so. What do you have to lose? I know there seems to be so many "rules" to this, but if it was from the heart, and you needed to say that, then, hey, I wouldn't look at that as a step back.
But now, turn the focus back to you. That's what it's all about. Your post... I could relate to your feelings so well. Now, however, there is no road for me to pave. So, I am at a place of letting go- forever. Since I have been at a different place than I am now, I think how you are feeling now, I can relate to that. I have been there.
I mean, like really... I could totally relate to that post! I do think that paving the road comes a little later. If that is the focus now, you may be missing some focus on you. Yeah, I know- who am I to say that, right? But, like I said, my road has become a dead end. Or the highway to he!!... something like that...
My mom and dad were divorced, Gwen. I think my parents went through lots of the stuff you read about here. My mom understands a lot of these concepts, even though she has never read these books or knows this board, or anything. But, she says things that you hear the vets say. One thing she has told me from the beginning is to detach. And she also went a long time without communicating with my dad. My mom totally started her own life. She worked like crazy, volunteered, poured herself into so many thing- I didn't see her much! But, my point is that she said she never thought they would get remarried. She didn't see it like that. Even though she fought for her marriage for a really long time, my dad couldn't get it together and SHE filed for divorce (I learned that this year). She wasn't paving the road. Not for a long time. She let go and let God. She became independent. She put my brothers through college, worked a million jobs (outside of her teaching career) and raised an out-of-control, angry teenage daughter (ahem...). She let God take the wheel when it came to my dad (which I wonder about MLC- but he was an alcoholic).
Gwen, as much as your post resonated with my own personal feelings, I guess I just wanted to share that with you. That even if you aren't necessarily "paving the road" right now, it doesn't mean that you won't be in the future. I think you should just take care of you. You are amazing. You have been so strong. Know that nothing you do right now will change what he is doing. Even if he feels what you say. Even if it resonates with him while he reads or hears it, it is not going to change until HE makes the decision to take a look around- take a look inside- and FEELS it. Like- really- feels it.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Gwen. Talk to your priest. Listen to him. I am sure your girls are just as confused as you. They know why you feel the way you do. They also see you being strong for them, caring for them. That's what they will remember. And the love you have for your family. I don't think they are looking at it as low self esteem or anything like that. They get why you are hurt.
You'll be OK, Gwen. Pick your head up. It was an emotional day for me, too.
Gwen – we are like two peas in a pod, such similar stories, even down to the BD date; we were meant to find each other!!
I get your sadness, the raw pain of not understanding what is going on and why. Why him, why me, why us ….unfortunately we cannot predict who will be affected by this midlife questioning – it seems that it does not matter if you had the best marriage in the world, it can still come and get you.
Don’t beat yourself up about your email to your h; this NC thing is so hard, it’s easy to succumb to temptation – the need to know if anything has changed draws us in. It is something I wrangle with too; in the past I have written it out first on the computer, let it sit overnight, normally that sees me delete it in the morning. I also look at it and ask myself – am I prepared for the possible response to this and of course there is job, always in my head with “its pursuing, don’t do it” lol. So draw a line under it and move on.
Leave him to his toy box and keep the focus on you and your girls, for you are what is important now.
My friend – we deserve more, we are worth more and we certainly are stronger than these weak men that came in to our lives and broke our hearts. You will be ok and have faith that everything will turn out just as it should be – with you happy and content with your life again.
Big hug! I'm not as far along as you but I totally understand your conflict. In my mind the marriage is salvageable if H would become physically and emotionally present. I feel a huge sense of duty as I made commitments to this marriage. Taking formal steps to end the marriage also makes me feel very guilty- that I am forcing something on my children. In reality we did not make these situations. The P-A is master at giving us their emotions to deal with b/c they have no clue how to process them.
This is a long process of emotions coming in line with our logic, I wish I had some advice. Know you are not alone in the mixed-up feelings.
Hey Gwen, I don't think you took a step back. You said something you had to say, so that's done, and now you move on. Don't spend any more time thinking about it. I had a hard day yesterday too. Was blessed to be with family and friends almost all day long, but still. Even though it's my 2nd Easter already without XH, I still thought about him a good portion of the day. That was a good portion too much, however. I have often wished my XH had moved far away. Detaching is still hard, but easier when out of sight (out of mind). I also thought many of the things you wrote in your last post. And we are also Catholic. I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that he just said 'the h3ll with my vows -- I see something I want and I'm going after it.' Completely boggles my mind. We had many conversations about that in the past, about people cheating/leaving their marriages that way. Neither one of us was 'that type of person' - until 2013. That's why I still think he has a brain tumor or chemical imbalace/male menopause. :-)
You can handle this Gwen. I know you can. Keep writing.
Hugs and you do what u have to do. I dont think u took a step back either.
Gwen,
You didn't take a step back. You said what you needed to say and you even wished him peace on Easter. Will he delete the message? Probably not. Many of the mlcers will keep messages, cards, gift wrap, etc., just to have something that ties them to you. So, don't even worry about whether he keeps the message or not...it came from the heart and you meant every word of it.
You had to file for separation to protect you and your girls. You had to do this to protect your assets and finances. Filing for a separation does not mean you will divorce any time soon. It's a tool to protect both parties in the eyes of the law.
As for wearing your wedding ring...it's okay to wear it if you feel comfortable in doing so. After all, you are still married. What he does is of no concern to you right now. Do what is right for YOU.
It's going to take time for you to continue moving forward. You are only human and you love this man w/your all of your being. It's never easy cutting the ties, but there are no guarantees that he will be gone forever or if he'll return at some point. You are in limbo and that's a very uneasy place to be. When you are ready, you will move forward, but try not to remain stuck where you are at the moment. Life is waiting out there w/open arms to embrace you and your girls.
Please be kind to yourself. I think you are expecting way too much of yourself and it does take a lot of time to get your balance when dealing w/the mlcer and the loss of the old marriage.
I haven't posted in few weeks. Focusing on job and children. Feeling like I am finally starting to feel like the shock has worn off and with the separation agreement complete I have to learn how to be alone.
i will post more later but good vibes and prayers are appreciated. The anniversary of BD is a few days away. Between BD and end of July I have several milestones so I am trying to prepare myself mentally. Honestly I am a bit scared of falling into a pit of sadness. I mean This is my danger zone but if I can get to the end of July I feel like I will have endured a year of holidays and a ride around the sun.
Thanks for listening and helping me cope.
Hey Gwen, its lovely to have an update from you.
I am so pleased you are feeling a little better; you have been through such a lot in the past year. Its great you have your job and kids to keep you distracted, but don't forget to feel what you have to so you can let it go and continue healing.
Gwen, its natural to feel sad about different anniversaries, at the moment they serve as reminders of what we have lost, but remind yourself of how far you have come since this time last year; you have grown as an individual and become so much stronger. You have also become a good friend to many on here, your support to help others in the same situation is testament to your caring character.
If you do fall into the pit then holler and we shall be there with hands ready to pull you back out again.
Keep posting, ((hugs)) to you
One year ago today was BD. In many ways it seems like it just happened. The feeling in my gut when he said he was "in a dark place and needs some space" the way he said "it isn't about you, it is about me" .... I can remember what we were wearing, the sound of the television on upstairs. The exact places we were standing in our kitchen.
Now a year later and in so many ways my H no longer exists. I talked to my MIL and she said that to me. She commented that even his voice has changed. She thinks he is still running and he may never return. Ironic that her detachment may have helped set the stage for his choices but she is old and she is tired. It is what it is she says.
A year later and he does not have much of a relationship with his daughters.other than the "insert holiday here" texts there is no communication. As time goes on it is harder for them to feel connected. Youngest is angry and oldest is "disappointed in him as a human being" - they no longer consider him much of a parent. They think I am crazy for holding on to the memory of someone who has discarded us so casually. They were raised to demand respect and to give it to the people in their lives.
At BD I had no idea he was running towards another woman. I still trusted him and I remember how worried I was for his mental health. Looking back now I have to say I was so naive. I made so many mistakes because I was operating on a false set of assumptions. I had no idea what had happened. I had no idea that in so many ways it was too late to keep him from leaving.
I wish I had known what a MLC looks like. I knew he was stressed but now I realize it was so much more. Friends just don't understand that this type of separation is different than a traditional divorce. A mean none of it is easy but the way this went down without warning and cloaked in bizarre behavior.
A year since BD. Deep breathes. I can do this. I am doing this. For now that has to be good enough.
Gwen, it does get better. I would be lying if I said it never goes away.
Remember you have been traumatized. Emotional trauma isn't visible but it is there, as potent as physical trauma. I ow get flashes, rather than enduring memory, but it still hurts.
What we have to do is write ourselves another story. But that is hard to do when all the ground rules just went rushing away in a mighty torrent. We and they are lost in a dark wood, and our job is to get out, and start to live again.
The whole point is we can't know what is happening. MLC is poorly understood, and something that happens to others. There is probably as much knowledge here as anywhere.
You know you can do it - sadly your MIL is part of the problem in all probablity. Miy MIL was kind to me but honestly emotionally unavailable. Sadly she died during all of this. I wish she hadn't had to see her son do the things he did.
Oh Gwen, you are so brave and I see such a strong women inside of you. Your heart is hurting right now, it will heal my lovely lady, you will smile again.
You and I have walked our journeys together, I feel akin to you, our stories so alike, its almost scary. I too remember exactly where I was at BD (mine was a yr 2 weeks ago), the look on his face when he spoke the words "I don't think I can do this anymore" - my quizzical look and answer "what, move?" still naive to the fact he was telling me he was leaving me - I really understand how you are feeling right now Gwen, its a anniversary that is the hardest one to face, but we are stronger now, we have squared up to many challenges in the past year and conquered them, with grace and style.
Hoping for your m is ok, its your choice to make and no one has the right to pressure you into changing your thoughts; friends and family really can't understand why we still have that love for our h, how can they; unless you have first hand experience of being a mlc s then its baffling to them why we remain sat on the fence - ever hoping that we may be one of the lucky ones - you take this at your own pace gwen, do what feels right to you.
You have come so far, you have gone out into the world and held your head high, look back at all that you have achieved over the past year, you are one amazing women gwen.
((hugs)) to you
Gwen,
Your moving forward. I know it seems frustratingly slow. From my perspective now looking back at BD 5 + years ago, I think our souls lead us through at the pace we need to go.
I remember in my MLC talking to one of the people I was supposed to meet who had an MLC himself. His therapist told him to give the melancholy moments in your life your utmost attention and then let it go, because they will come along frequently in the beginning and less so as you get through your journey.
Keep looking for the silver linings this unasked for journey deals you.
Mirage
Gwen, it was heart breaking to read you post. I almost feel what you feel. I remember the details and feelings at the BD, and it was almost 3 years ago for me. You’ve come a long way in just one year. I can tell you that it gets better. Yes, I still remember the details and feelings but it doesn’t sting as bad anymore. It is just sad. It is also sad that your H doesn’t have any relationship with your D’s. I hope one day he will come around and realize what he’s been missing.
Hugs to you.
Hi Gwen, just checking you are ok. I know its been a rough few weeks, let us know how you are doing when you feel able.
Thinking of you. ((hugs))
Gwen,
Happy Mother's Day! How are you doing? I know the anniversaries and special events are tough right now because they still bring back the memories of what was said and/or done a year ago, but in time, the pain will not hurt as much. Give yourself the gift of time here and allow yourself to grieve and know that you will get better.
It's true, your h is no longer the man you knew. The "opposite" self has taken over and there is no guarantee that he will return completely as the "old" self when his crisis is over.
I'm not surprised to read that he has little or no contact w/his daughters. This is typical of MLCers. At some point, he will select one daughter to "pal" around with. It will be the daughter that doesn't question his choices. They all appear to do this pick and choose option. As he moves through his crisis, he will eventually reconnect w/both daughters, but that's a long ways away and I'm sure they are having a difficult time staying connected w/him right now. He's in the early stages of replay and that is truly the "wild" time for them because they are on a high of being "young" and "free" like teens all over again.
Gwen, you had no idea as to what was going on in his head and I don't want you to beat yourself up over this. There was no way that you were going to "keep" him from leaving. You didn't break him, therefore you couldn't fix him and what is going on w/him has absolutely nothing to do w/you or what you should or shouldn't have done. He would have made this journey whether he was w/you, single or in another relationship. It all goes back to his childhood issues.
What you stated about friends not understanding this type of split, I can agree w/that because it hits you right between the eyes w/o any warning. In a normal split, couples pretty much have a good idea as to why they are going their separate ways. In MLC land, you have no idea and it's all so unusual.
Gwen, you are going to be okay, but it takes time. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Okay?
Please enjoy the day w/your daughters and know that your family and friends love you and we, the cyber community love you too!
Thanks Job, Lou, Birght, Mirage and friends for checking on me. I am doing okay. Mother's Day was nice with my girls and I only cried a bit at the end of the day. Next up is our 26th anniversary but at least I will be at work for most of the day.
All these milestone dates leave me feeling unbelievably sad. I knew this was going to be hard but I do believe that by my birthday I will feel like I have survived this catastrophic event. I mean the consequences will still be felt. The aftershocks are real but I think I will feel some sense of closure after the the first year.
One ride around the sun. One complete set of holidays. All four seasons and 12 months later I will have survived. I didn't think I could survive. Seriously I was not sure if I'd be sane because he left and he still runs away from me and our girls.
Even his mother told me the man I married does not exist. She told me even his voice sounds completely different. That is about as much validation I am ever going to get that I am not crazy. I survived all of it and for some reason that gives me permission to detach a bit. The one year mark is about 10 weeks away but now I see that it is coming and I welcome the chance to say I survived a year after BD. It's a huge step.
Gwen,
1st step - surviving
next step - thriving
mirage
You are doing a great job! Only upon reflection does this crazy time begin to make sense.
Almost 13 months since BD. In the last few weeks I survived our anniversary and celebrated the birthday of our oldest. Our youngest finished an entire year of school without any contact from her father. We rewrote some memories on a recent road trip to a city that held many family memories. I am stronger. Our children our stronger.
One of the most profound moments in the last month was a performance by my youngest. Her school hosts an honors showcase each year as part of their dance program. My daughter has studied dance since she was 3 and is very gifted. What started as a hobby has evolved into much more.
One of my biggest concerns over the last year was that D was not dealing with her emotions surrounding her father. I have no wish to bash him or dwell in anger but, to me, it felt like she was ignoring everything and it was a concern. She assured me she was fine but her air of normalcy kind of worried me....cut to this performance. There are simply no words to describe it. The song she chose and the choreography and her dance stunned me. This amazing young woman used her art in this safe place to show me that she was working through everything. It was intimate and beautiful and such a profound gift. I was 3 other moms who know our story and we were all crying. Her sister was there too and she had helped edit the music. I was a puddle but in a good way because my girl is okay.
All these positive things and he still haunts me. Hoping the next 8 weeks will give me some peace as I approach one complete ride around the sun since finding out the truth. Sorry to rant but I feel lost and isolated at the oddest times. I was with him for over half my life and practically all of my adult years.
Gwen, that post really touched me. I cried. Glad you are doing well, my friend. So glad you daughter is too.
Take care, and here's to another ride around the sun! (Love that)
Gwen, I would be one of these who would cry too. It is so beautiful that your D could express herself. You are all working your way through this. I can relate to these moments of sadness at the times when you would least expect it.
Hang in there. I have no doubt you and your Ds will be fine.
Gwen my friend, your daughters sound wonderfully mature and talented young ladies. This is a testament to you and you should be really proud of yourself.
Your daughters performance sound amazing and emotional; having an artistic ability to channel ones emotions into is a gift and she sounds like she portrayed her inner thoughts very powerfully. I would have been sniffing away like you, especially as you were not expecting it -
It will take time to detangle yourself from your identity as a wife and couple with your h, its a long process to "fall out of love" - we may think that they seemed to have achieved it so quickly by their current actions, but deep down, that love is still there, they have just lost it and for those of us who choose to stand for our m, we hope that its a temporary situation and they will find it again before too much hurt and damage has been caused.
You are handling this all so well Gwen - having your h seemingly fall off the earth is hard, I really understand how you feel - its like "seriously, I spent all those years with this guy and seemingly overnight I no longer mean anything to him, how is this possible" - it goes to show you that this crisis that they enter is real, it has to be as its the only logical explanation.
You have taken one of the most stressful events to happen to a person and owned it, you move forward with such courage and strength and do it so quietly and with such grace - I am in awe of you. I tend to bounce around all over the place !
Keep going Gwen, you will make lots of new and happy memories to add to those you already have in the coming yrs
((HUGS)) to you my friend
Gwen I found your posts. Tomorrow is our 30th wedding anniversary and BD 1 year anniversary is June 2. I survived the year! Feeling stronger everyday, not sure where we're headed. Your doing an amazing job. I've thought many times during the year how much harder it would be if I had kids at home. Our girls are 29, 27 and 25. The biggest issue for me with older children is their knowledge of everything. Unfortunate that they were exposed to his infidelity at a time when they are settling down with their boyfriends and future husbands. He's been a terrible example and I think that has a lot to do with his head being in the sand. Embarrassment and guilt.
Sis
Gwen - Have not heard from you in a while, hoping you are ok.
Not so great. Was on my way with positive thinking and lots of steps towards healing but on Friday had a huge setback. Was moving my oldest into her new apt. And broke my shoulder of my dominant side. Stand a good chance of losing my job because this employer does not view people as human beings. It was a demeaning conversation.
H was selfish and detached. D's said it is about time I quit making excuses. Silver lining is my guilt is gone. It vanished when my shoulder cracked.
Right now I give up. I give in and yes when this shoulder heals I will go on. My daughter said she was impressed I held onto my rose colored glasses all these years. She is right but they are shattered now too.
Wow, so sorry about the shoulder. Please make sure you take vitamin D and K to help it heal.
Your employer cannot legally fire you because of an injury, I believe. Find out your rights.
Don't expect anything from H during this - the last thing a MLCer wants to deal with is responsibility. Ask directly if you absolutely need something, otherwise don't bother.
Get your friends or family to make meals for you and help out. Ask for help.
Gwen, I'm so sorry to hear about your shoulder, and how you are feeling generally. I have dipped in and out of your threads in recent months and always thought what a lovely woman you sound to be.
I hope your employer comes through for you. No-one should lose their job because they broke a bone in my view. Do they have an absence policy you could look at to see if their approach is in line with that? Is it one person in particular that isn't sympathetic?
I'm glad your guilt is gone, and in terms of your H it may be an idea to put him firmly on the very back burner whilst you heal and look after yourself. I'm sorry his behaviour wasn't better - at least when things like that happen - they do help us move forwards a little more....though it isn't nice to go through it.
Lovely that your D's are so supportive and I'm sure they will be looking out for Mum in coming weeks. Do rest up and take care of yourself.
Toots x
This employer is just not sympathetic to anyone. I will keep documentation but in this state they can fire people "at will" - the silver lining is knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this. If they are this cruel then better I find out now. I need the money but I have a settlement in place. There is no guilt or regret. It is what it is.
I did not expect H to care about me but treating our children this way? Wow - with a parent like him you don't need enemies. He burned it all to the ground and so the girls and I are on our own. The girls knew it before I did. Sad but true. Youngest said I should be proud of how long I kept my "Rose colored glasses" - I guess I am?
A friend got mad at me for feeling defeated. I think we are allowed to feel defeated 48 hours into this mess - 48 days is a different story. She may not be my friend anymore because I said I am human. For decades I tried to be the best wife, mom, daughter and volunteer. I can't do that right now. Yes I still worry I may get stuck here in the land of bitter and depressed but I have always had faith in the bigger picture. Bones heal, this is a set back but I have all the most important things in my life.
Awww Gwen - I just want to jump through the screen and give you a hug ....a very gentle one
You and I started this journey at the same time and I feel so akin to you Gwen, you have supported me all the way through. So to hear you are down and not doing well really makes me sad.
First of all - I am wishing you a speedy recovery from your injury.
Second - Your boss is an a'hole - sorry, but that's the truth of it. You did not intentionally damage yourself, so to penalise you for it is totally out of order. I really hope it does not come to losing your job over it, I am appalled that that may even be an option.
Thrid - Gwen, half of me is cheering you from the sidelines - to make the mental leap to complete detachment is a huge step. To go forwards with your own life not having your h clouding any thoughts is where we strive to get to. The other half of me is worried for you - you are sounding hard, like all walls are firmly up. I get that you are disappointed, sad and angry that life has come to this, that your h has let you down on all levels, but please don't take this forward with you. Some men- like our h's - are just emotionally retarded and may never be able to connect to us on a level that we are worthy of, I feel sorry for them as they are the ones missing out.
You are a survivor Gwen, you have never accepted defeat as an option, so keep going my friend, get over this (massive) speed bump and see what is around the next corner. I am right behind you
Loads of (gentle) hugs to you -
All the walls are firmly up Lou. I just have to keep them there or I will implode. For decades I put everyone else first and I have nothing left. Being discarded and devalued will do that to even the most optimistic of people.
I hear you Gwen - you were an everything to everyone and a nothing to yourself.
We build the wall reinforced so we know we will never be put through anything like this again, never be hurt like this again and never have anyone treat us this way again. Its normal to do this and understandable. I hope that in time you will see things differently and lower your wall a little to allow others on to your side and that your faith in humanity is restored. There are some really good people out there in the world.
What you have been through over the past year is HUGE; be kind to yourself, it really is a case of time and allowing this process to naturally take its course. Remain open to possibilities and changes will happen.
((hugs))
Thanks Lou. I know time is required to heal the bone. There is nothing I can do to speed it up. It is crystal clear. At BD everything was so fuzzy. I guess there is comfort in the simplicity of this event.
I surrender. I detach. I give up and yes I do give in. My only fear is that I will not know when to get up this time. I pray I will and I hope I will.
Many of our friends here have dealt with much worse and continue to deal with much more difficult things. I am humbled by them and I feel like I should not be complaining but for now I just have to accept things. I am weary of this journey and perhaps resting awhile is not a bad thing.
Honestly I put on a great front for everyone else but her on this board I am brutally honest because I need to try to work through things. It has just been a tough year.
Thanks everyone for posting on my thread but also sharing your own journey. You each have brought out some laughter or wisdom or compassion at a time when the world seems sorely lacking in those areas.
I apologize for the ramble.... Pain meds and.isolation will do that to a person. Honestly after BD this should be easy. I think it is just dealing with so much change and hurt squashed together.. Patience and time will be the best medicine.
BD and the aftermath takes away so much of our resilience. People say 'Be Kind to yourself' but honestly, what they need to do is show us HOW to be kind to ourselves. In dealing with this, and looking after everyone else, it can be hard to even take proper care of ourselves, or even really want to.
I would say, for many people here, getting your sense of self worth and purpose back is a huge task, and it doesn't appear overnight.
Sometimes it is simple things like growing a pot of herbs or tidying out a neglected closet that starts the process.
I re-read favourite books, and watched stupid movies. It isn't about getting someone else's life, but restoring our own, and even starting to make a few improvements, but all this takes energy.
Right now I am working with a life coach, and it is great, but honestly I couldn't have done that at the one year mark. I did buy myself some lovely clothes (not necessarily expensive, but ones that really looked good on me, not a 20 something super model)
I have also checked out on line better ways to apply make up. These are only ideas.
Beatrice- your words are my truth right now. Thank you for describing what I can't right now.
Gwen,
When I was being "kind to myself", I would sit for hours, after working all day, and do jigsaw puzzles. The bigger the better. It helped me to keep focused, as well as provided me some quiet time and to be able to see what I had accomplished once the entire puzzle was put together.
Walking around the museums and taking my time to just enjoy the sites. Visiting beautiful gardens in the areas and finding a bench to sit and people watch was another way to heal my soul.
Gwen, it takes time. If you can find just one thing that helps settle your soul a bit and provide you comfort then that is a start. Bea is right, it all takes time and each and everyone of us has to find that "groove" and it may take a year or even more, but as we start to find those things that make us feel good about ourselves once again, everything begins to look brighter.
Bottom line, you will move at your own pace when you are ready.
A friend got mad at me for feeling defeated. I think we are allowed to feel defeated 48 hours into this mess - 48 days is a different story. She may not be my friend anymore because I said I am human. For decades I tried to be the best wife, mom, daughter and volunteer. I can't do that right now. Yes I still worry I may get stuck here in the land of bitter and depressed but I have always had faith in the bigger picture. Bones heal, this is a set back but I have all the most important things in my life.
I agree with the others in this thread. But wanted to add that your "friends" want you to be well. That is not the same as understanding. And honestly, if you cannot be honest with your friends, then with whom can you be? You never really know until you know - so it makes sense to be you and be real.
As for the bitterness. A few days of feeling down are not the same as bitterness, Gwen. You hit on that with the 48 hour thing. But be kind to yourself and realize that it has no real time boundaries. You stop being that way when you're ready. Not a second before. Just like the sky is blue, you can't change that until you're ready.
For me, I prefer the rose-colored bi-focals. They help me see both the positive sides of things and the reality. They both exist at the same time.
Bitter or better? Time will tell on that one, but my money is that you'll be better long-term.
Heal quickly.
AJ
Aww Gwen. I join our fellow posting buddies in saying that you can do this. I agree with Beatrice - rediscover yourself.
What's with the "give in" thing. If you mean you are releasing control over to God (I hope you are a believer at least to a higher authority) then yes, that's what we are supposed to do.
But we can't give up this fight. The fight for dignity, Self
Respect, Grace, Blessings, Healing, Comfort, and Love. FIGHT FOR THESE THINGS!! Yes we must be patient but not idle. You got this my friend. We're here with you and for you.
I will continue to pray for y'all. May God grant you wisdom, courage, strength and love.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 121:1-2
Luv you my sista. Fight the good fight. It'll work out for the good. Suffering is never wasted!
In His Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Hello Gwen, I'm just checking and hoping that the healing process has begun and your shoulder is starting to feel a little better. I agree with AJ and from reading your thread to date, my money is on better and not bitter too. Having said that, we need to go through a range of emotions to get there - some nice and some not so nice..
This isn't an easy journey, but I think it is the best path in difficult circumstances and we are lucky to have some great role models on the site too.
I hope you are giving yourself some TLC and letting the healing process unfold - both physically and mentally following a difficult tperiod. Things will get better in time.
Take care, Toots xx
I see "being kind to myself" as giving myself permission to feel what I feel at any given time and know its ok.
It is about giving myself time out from being a rock to others and focus on just me. To think, to feel and to be calm. I love walking by the sea, it settles me in a way that words cannot describe. I also do things I would have never done when with my h, like snuggle up in bed all afternoon with tea and junk food watching old movies.
Gwen, its a process, I know you know that, what you are going through and feeling is ok. Please know that you are a beautiful, talented, kind, strong and inspirational lady FACT, don't let what your crazy h has done to you devalue those facts, live them, be them and know you ARE valued.
((hugs)) to my dear friend
Gwen -- I'm sorry to read about your shoulder! I have no doubt that you will bounce back from this injury quickly. Heck, it kinda gives you something else to focus on, eh? Blah. But geez, what a pain - literally. That can really wipe you out. Try and take it easy. Let friends and family help out when you can.
And give yourself a chance to work through all of the emotions from the BD fallout. It takes time. We're impatient, for sure. I know I was. Sometimes mad at myself for STILL not being 'over it.' I'd never been through a D before, but had a difficult breakup when I was in my 20's (I wanted to marry him!), which took me about a year and a half to fully recover from. So I knew I was in for some really hard work to recover from BD and D, but I also knew I could do it - eventually. Letting it 'beat' me was never an option. I kicked into survival mode almost immediately. H would never find me lying down and getting run over. Hang in there. It will get better soon.
LiveNow
Thanks Livenow for dropping by. Yes this has been a setback but I wifi get through it. In some ways I feel so much more accepting of this situation because it was a freak accident and nothing I could do to change anything at all. At BD al, I could feel was sadness and bewilderment. I kept thinking I should have known better. This has been easier and I know it will be okay in time.
Your uplifting post to your thread was a ray of sunlight. I can myself detaching but I just wish I'd quit grieving for a man who does not seem to have any empathy for me or our children. No contact makes me feel like he has moved on and I need to get with the program.
Of course sitting around all day with a bum arm is not good for the thoughts. I will need to get things moving.
It is in the hours before dawn and I lie awake feeling unworthy, less than a valuable person. It has been a year. I have survived and been logical and let's be real this is just a break up. I mean far worse things happen to far better people every day. I know this logically but emotionally I feel like I must have been horrible and I hide it from most people except my H. I made him unhappy somehow and his only escape was to run. I know it is irrational but I just can't stop these thoughts sometimes. Do others feel this way? How can I move past this phase of self loathing? I fear if I don't get through it then I will never be able to truly enjoy my life again. That is very frightening.
Gwen - many of us here have felt that - and very very occasionally I still do.
It is a result of abuse, including emotional abuse. 'It must be our fault' Please read up on emotional abuse - and I see much MLC behaviour as emotionally abusive because it belittles and hurts the partner.
If you read up on emotional abuse, I suspect you will find both some 'Aha' moments and some personal strategies that work for you.
You are fine Gwen, your h, not so much!
It is in the hours before dawn and I lie awake feeling unworthy, less than a valuable person. It has been a year. I have survived and been logical and let's be real this is just a break up. I mean far worse things happen to far better people every day. I know this logically but emotionally I feel like I must have been horrible and I hide it from most people except my H. I made him unhappy somehow and his only escape was to run. I know it is irrational but I just can't stop these thoughts sometimes. Do others feel this way? How can I move past this phase of self loathing? I fear if I don't get through it then I will never be able to truly enjoy my life again. That is very frightening.
Gwen, your question is at the root of our biggest, deepest fears.
We find ourselves here in various situations, but at the core of it all is that --always nagging, sometimes crashing down upon us - question;
"if I'm such a good person, why doesn't he/she- love me enough to stay?" And Or
"they know me better than anyone, & they're rejecting me."
Implicit in these^^ questions is the underlying fear that it is we, not them, who are to blame and that all of this is a reflection not on our incompatibility as a couple or a mutual failure or anything at all about them, but that We are to blame, and no one else.
You know in your head that it's not rational to assume ALL the blame for this, yet at some level we think to ourselves, "it's mostly us".
How can you overcome this? Well, I can only tell you a few things that helped me, including this site.
I recall an experience that helped me in particular with this.
Long ago I attended a personal growth workshop that was excellent, (I attended this for reasons not having to do with my marriage, btw and it's called "Essential Experience" in Philadelphia, and it's life changing.)
ANYHOW
there, I came to know a young striking woman who was compassionate, beautiful, funny and incredibly warm. "Valerie" was her name.
Valerie was one of those people who are appealing to many. People naturally wanted to be near her and she was very well liked in our workshop. Her eyes had a glittery aspect *& she had a great smile; all I can say is she was magnetic.
Aand yet she was reeling, b/c her h had left her for OW. She was in acute pain. Finally, she broke down, & turned to ask everyone how we could say nice things about her when it was "obviously not true".
After all, if she was so wonderful, and such a great catch, why didn't he choose her? AND she blurted out "If he once loved me, I must have blown it for him to leave for OW."
Great questions. I've met others in the same boat. I think by seeing others being abandoned and knowing they are NOT the cause of all, or perhaps any of their situation, we face the possibility that it's NOT us...
but what to do?
Herein lies the dilemma. I think its good to learn that we messed something up in marriage,
that we have something to work on, that we did play a role in the demise or struggling ordeal of our m
b/c then we are not powerless...\
In the example of I cited above^^, I have to say that I believe her h blew it. Yes he broke her heart but he was a fool, and maybe he will never realize it. Maybe he will prefer the OW or maybe they'll fail and then he'll be on his own, perhaps never picking up the phone to call his ex wife/LBS.
And the question is, so what?
I mean what if we KNEW (b/c somehow the universe or God told us
it's been determined that you are a wonderful woman.
What changes?
Everything? Nothing? See, it's possible that you are NOT at fault, per se, and that you are a wonderful person who married someone less committed to the marriage.
It's possible that his "Data" about you isn't real; it's old or just inaccurate. Don't engage him.
I think that once we as LBSers do a genuine, thorough and brave internal review, we will have work to do to become our best selves
But to be fair, we will also need to see our intrinsic value, our unique positives and why our friends love us, and
usually the reality is that IF IF IF IT is really over, and IF we have become our best selves
then we must live our lives, "from this day forward", as best we can. And hold your head high b/c you know who you are and what you ant in
Believe in & hope for the best, prepare for the worst but expect far better...
and know always that you are loved, you are valuable and you are Not alone.
((( )))
Gwen, I agree with all that 25 years said - I have used a life coach, and I realised that although (from my perspective) my marriage was happy I had changed parts of myself/adapted to be married.
I still believe at the root of an abrupt and unkind departure there often lies emotional abuse, and simply dealing with that as trauma can help. It initially helped me, and others, who do not necessarily post here.. I then did life coaching etc from a less damaged place.
And many years on my xh is still unhappy, still searching for the answers. And I feel great!
Gwen,
One thing that helped me and still helps from time to time...
I remind myself of all the women in the world who have been treated badly. I'm not the only one.
I think of Jackie Kennedy.
I think of Sandra Bullock.
Jennifer Aniston.
Maria Shriver.
These are smart, beautiful women. They are successful and considered worldly beauties. Yet, they were left.
If someone can cheat on Jackie Kennedy? Well, then, it must not have anything to do with beauty, brains, grace or the like. She charmed de Gaulle for Pete's Sake@!
When I look at their situations, it's obvious the problem was--like Bea mentioned--they were with people who didn't value fidelity and commitment. I agree that there is heavy emotional abuse woven in most of the situations found on these boards. Honestly looking at the issues of the abuser will set you free from the feelings of worthlessness within yourself.
Gwen - what you wrote was like you had been in my head and read my journal. You are not alone in feeling this way, the questioning of what did I do to cause this, I must have done something to cause this -
Until recently I took on the blame for the demise of my m, because after all, if I had made him happy he would not have left ...right ....WRONG.
Yes I played a part in it and looking back I see that I had become lost in my marriage, I had lost my individuality and became insular and lonely. My h said recently " we enabled each other" and we did, but what he highlighted was that it was not my fault, that he was equally to blame - even more so as for him his thoughts snowballed so he ran, when he should have stayed and done everything possible to mend whatever was broken for him - something he now regrets not doing.
No one knows what goes through a MLC'er head, they become irrational in their thoughts, things that they once found endearing they now find irritating, they dislike anything that reminds them of the "old" person they have become - everything must go to make way for the new them, the reinvented them and that includes their h/w - So Gwen, please try not to let this movie continue in your head, you are a good person who did not deserve this to happen to you, your h is the one who has lost out, one day he will wake up and realise that.
This is your life Gwen, you only have one go at it so make it count - don't let what your crazy h has done rule your thoughts, set them free along with him.
((hugs))
Gwen -
Just some perspective from a few years on...
After my divorce from my husband of 24 years, I dated several men. (Yes, much to my surprise, there were plenty of men available to date an imperfect woman in her 50's). One thing they all turned out to have in common: not one of them could figure out why my husband would have left me!
My current boyfriend of two years, says he wants to send my ex a thank you card for dumping me so that BF could find me! He feels like ex gave him the best gift ever!
My point being.....all these men can't be wrong. It really wasn't me. Sure, like all of us, I had things I needed to work on, and the process here really helped me to do that. But I realize now that the issues in my marriage mostly grew out of my ex's problems and really had very little to do with me.
Let go or be dragged. Get back to finding YOU. Experience life. Pursue your dreams.
Wow. All those last several posts above? Absolute GOLD. Print them out and carry them around with you! Lots of wisdom comes out of these years of struggle...
Absolutely beautiful posts! Exactly what I needed to "hear" today.
I forgot Cleopatra and Princess Di.
Thank you all for your beautiful wisdom. I keep rereading your posts and trying to reframe the narrative. This setback just really hit me hard but I know I will get through it. Unfortunately we can't speed the clock up or slow it down.
Thank you all again. I just can't express what a lifeline this forum has been for me over the past year.
Thanks for listening and for accepting and for truly knowing what it is to be trying to navigate your life as a LBS in the land of MLC. It is not something most people can't understand unless they have first hand experience.
Ok. No looking back for the next day or two. Just rereading your posts and looking ahead.
Got through my birthday. Not really feeling in control but understanding that this broken shoulder is a temporary setback albeit a discouraging one.
I keep feeling like I am flirting with depression. One step forward and three steps back. Feeling less than worthy or lovable....it is irrational thinking but not sure what is rational or real. I just don't trust or know myself. Being at home with too much time to obsess.
I need to feel like the ground is stable but I just can't seem to find my footing.
Hi 123Gwen.
Happy Birthday! May God shine His face upon you and bless you...Numbers 6:24-26 !
Please focus on the good..
I highly recommend this book I read a long time ago and will have to buy it again. Cuz I need it too!
Anyway - "When your rope breaks" by Stephen Brown.
Essentially it's a book on affirmation and how to navigate through all the feelings you go through after a breakup.Make a plan to read good things, say good things and do things for yourself and for others. LOVE!!
We love you Gwen. God is good - ALL the time! Trust in Him!
In His Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Thank you Job. VGE my battle is nothing compared to what you are dealing with and you are so amazing.
I keep thinking Entirely too much. I feel like I should have more clarity and not feel so lost right now. I know this will pass. I just can't believe how much energy I am still giving to a situation I can't control. He left. He discarded me and our daughters as if we were trash. I mean his actions were clear but I keep trying to understand or try to feel worthy. It is crazy and I have given it far more than I should but yet I keep going there.
I am praying that Ali will find some more of that detachment. Just some more peace instead of aimless sadness. I want to keep faking it and really start to feel better.
Happy Belated Birthday Gwen
Depression - boy do I know that feeling, I have questioned "whats the point" on many occasions. You are not alone Gwen and it's an understandable place to be in, however please please promise me that if you feel this way for more than a few days then you will drag yourself to your Dr, its a slope you need to be aware of sliding down and one that is so easy to find yourself on. Gwen, you have been through a lot, ask for and accept help if you need it.
I think this process goes around and around, we think we are getting somewhere and then a setback puts us backwards, but you know something, we don't go back to the beginning, so each time we go a little further forward. You may not be able to see it, but I can see how far you have come, you are so much stronger than you believe yourself to be - its that horrible word ....time.
I think you are expecting far to much of yourself; this is not the "norm" breakup, you did not grow apart, you did not fight all the time, you did not lose interest, this was a complete shock - you are not only grieving for your marriage and the future you saw yourself having, you are also having an identity crisis, having to find out who you are outside the role you used to play. Its HUGE Gwen, don't downplay the enormity of what you going through, don't expect so much of yourself.
It is said that the average everyday breakup takes 2-5 yrs to get over - what is average about what we are going through ?? It really is early days Gwen, you are doing really well, it will come, that clarity you so want will come.
I find having something to look forward to helps and having a goal to reach, it gives me something to focus on. Remove your thoughts from your head by giving it something else to occupy the space. I find watching a TV series help me zone out and give my headspace a break.
If you are really struggling with being able to pep yourself up then how about thinking about seeing a c or a life coach, it may be that you just need a little outside support and understanding from a neutral person.
I feel so sad you are having to go through this Gwen, you don't deserve it, none of us do.
Thanks Lou for always being so encouraging and wise. I actually have been seeing a counselor for the last 9 months but she had an emergency appendectomy the same week as my accident. I am finally getting to see her next week but dealing with things over the last month has really been a challenge. The isolation and not being able to use my dominant arm. The lack of sleep and realizing that my job may not be available was a gut punch.
I rationally see how this is temporary but I am mired down in it that I am just finding it tough to be positive. H does not contact us and Facing that reality at the one year mark has just brought on more sadness. Not surprise but sadness.
Am I standing or dbusting? There is nothing to work with if he is with OW. I just keep thinking too much.
Gwen - there is always something to work with ....you
Just because h is with someone else right now does not mean that won't change. You have no idea what is going on in his world, for all you know it could be all doom and gloom ....and I have just learnt that it was in my h world. We tend to let our imaginations create a wonderful rosy picture that they must be living, but reality is that they are trying to be someone that they are not and the energy in keeping that up will eventually burn out.
This is not about h and what he is doing, its about you and what you want to do - whether that be "standing" or shutting the door, or just accepting that this is the way it is and be open to all options - by being open I mean, your h returning will happen if it is meant to be or could be a new man entering your life is ok with you or being on your own is just fine, working on your own plans, wants and needs.
You are very understandably having a really tough time; frustration from your injury, insecurity from not knowing what is happening with your job (has anything more been said on that front?), your h fallen off the planet. I know its words, but keep moving through the days my friend, you really don't know what is around the corner, something wonderful will surprise you one day.
Big hugs to you
Thank you Lou for taking to time to try to reframe all of this for me. I guess my personal motto is just trying to keep my options open to whatever is in store for the future. I want my girls to see me moving ahead and not thinking H will return but if I have learned anything in the last year it is that I really don't know anything either.
As for the job - my employer does not treat employees well. I have witnessed that on many occasions with others. It is not an easy place and they are known for moving people around like furniture. I have decided if that is my fate I am okay with leaving or being let go. Right now the health of my dominant arm is more important. . I will not jeopardize my recovery or my mental health. I am grateful for this job but it does not pay that well and I won't allow myself to be put into a no win situation that drains all my energy and self esteem. So what will be will be. I hope to start PT in a couple of weeks and then go back to work. I have no idea if it will come to fruition.
I haven't posted in a few weeks. Going to physical therapy, back at work and trying to juggle my life as a single parent. The girls are back in school. I miss my oldest but she calls often and will be back in a couple of weeks to visit. Youngest is off to a good start too. Such wonderful blessings.
H attempted to talk with D's but then didn't answer the phone. They say they are done with him. I stay silent but I understand.
Folks I am so tired but I can't believe how unbelievably sad I remain. Why can.'t I get angry? It is a sadness that weighs me down .- the tragedy of it holds me back. H is not coming back and I doubt he ever will do the real work on himself. I still pray daily but I am practical too. The MLC is real but with OW and geography I can't imagine H ever building a bridge towards me. I am not sure he is capable of connecting to anyone.
AWWW. Gwen. I'm praying for you my sista.
This is sad. It's sad what he's done to you and your daughters but have hope.
Crying was what I did because of the emotional roller coaster I was on but I wasn't angry either. More like...disappointed.
I wasn't angry until I went to this thing called Freedom Prayer. It's amazing. Two ladies and I gathered at a church and they helped me walk through and release the emotional bondage. There was anger in there but it was so bottled up. I really think it manifested itself into more stress which fueled the cancer. I really believe this!
Don't get sick. don't stress out my friend. Know that we love you and have your back.
Look forward not backward. The light is in front of you..forward..straight ahead. The light is wonderful. It's warm, inviting, loving and healing. Behind you its dark, cold, uninviting and you've already been there.
Come and let go of the sadness. Let go of the disappointment. Let go of the anger (it's there).
Love you my friend. PLease keep the faith. Fill yourself with JOY! Prov 3:5-6!
In His Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Hi Gwen
So pleased to hear your girls are doing well. Its so sad that their d can't be more part of their lives but it's his choice and one day he will regret the loss.
I am not sure how you get angry - I suppose it just happens as part of the process we go through. I get angry at the position my h's selfish actions has put me into - renting a cheap basic flat and working a really demanding job living paycheck to paycheck. Losing my marriage, home, friend and money all because he wanted to feel single and free - well that turned out not to be so much fun after all !!
The sadness; it is all part of the process and letting go of it is one of the hardest things to do. Everyone is different and works through it at their own pace. I still have down days, I still feel sad at all that has happened and I still have tears occasionally, but I have more good days than sad ones now so I try and keep faith that one day the sad days will fade away.
You are doing amazingly well Gwen, you have been thrown into the deep end off a very high diving board - give yourself credit for all that you have achieved. It is easy to get lost in the gloom, so try and see all the little things that are good in your life - the independant things that you now do that you didn't do before.
The MLC is real but with OW and geography I can't imagine H ever building a bridge towards me. I am not sure he is capable of connecting to anyone.
I asked the same question a while ago on my thread - I could not see how it was possible for any bridges to be built whilst h was a) not talking to me and b) living on a different island. It can and does happen Gwen, if your h really wants to mend things then he will do whatever it takes to do it. He will find an excuse to contact you, he will find a way of getting you back into his life. You have no idea what is happening in his head right now. You have no idea what is happening in his relationship either, we presume however we don't actually know. It could be all sunshine and roses but it could also be that his life has turned to custard -
I suppose it's trying to make yourself carry on, be open to all possibilities, whether that be your h, being on your own or meeting someone else - just keep going forwards and living your life as best you can, enjoy it as much as you can as all these days are ones you won't get back.
Stay strong my friend and I hope you find your happiness as you truly deserve to feel happy again.
Gwen, I can relate to the feelings of sadness. I still have these days when I just cannot shake it off. But, it gets better. I agree with Lou, you just don’t know what is going on in H’s head. I’m in a similar situation. He is far away and there is very little contact. Like Lou mentioned, if they would want to contact us, they would find a way. I know my H can be very resourceful when it comes to getting what he wants. I just hope one day it is going to be me
.
Hang in there. You have wonderful daughters and you are an amazing woman and Mom.
Hey Gwen, how are you doing? Think about you often and hope you are ok.
Hi Lou,
Thanks for checking in. Nothing to say re: H. He is still with OW cross country and I have no reason to believe he isn't happy. Does not talk to our girls (a random text every few months) but we haven't seen him in over a year. I am still grieving but these days I have accepted this situation.
Life goes on and so must I.
Aww Gwen, its a horrible process grieving, I have to say that I did not grieve like this when my mum died, this has been a profoundly painful experience, one that has affected me on so many levels.
I am sad to learn that h does not contact your d more regularly, its seems to be a part of this MLC, they remove everyone from their old life and anyone who questions what they are doing. My h is now feeling the fallout from putting ow before his sons and they now have little respect for him. It will take a lot to mend the bridges he has destroyed.
As for no reason to believe he is not happy - I thought that too but seems my h wasn't at all, just as everyone here predicted. We don't know what is going through their heads and until they are honest with themselves they don't either. My h said it felt like conflicting confusion going around his head all the time, it never stopped and he just wanted it to stop. He ended up hating his life and himself.
I do hope that you are moving onwards, that you are finding happiness in your life, seeing that it is possible to laugh and smile again as you Gwen deserve that so much, you are truly an amazing women, strong, kind and caring. I wish you nothing but the best in life my friend. Whatever happens (and seriously you really have no idea what is around the corner) you look after you, do what feels right and enjoy your life as much as you can.
Stay in touch and keep me updated on how you are and what you are doing. ((hugs))
So much gratitude for the blessings in my life yet I just can't seem to shake the grief after 18 months...
He threw us all away. The only time I ever hear from him is when he is leaving the country for business. For some reason it is the only thing he took from anything I ever said to him since bomb drop. Anyway he was supposed to go to Europe the day after the Paris attacks so I texted him that I wasn't sure if his plans had changed but to please travel safely. I got nothing -- not a thanks or anything. Not to even tell the girls he is okay. It chilled me to the bone.
The girls got their ".insert holiday here" text message. They chose not to respond to him because it was literally "Happy Thanksgiving. Hope you are having a good day." He hasn't bothered to see them in 18 months. They expect better and so they have gone completely dark.
Yes I am neutral with my daughters but it is still so sad.mSad that he has destroyed their love for him and their respect for him. Just more sadness. Will try to post more of an update later just wanted to release some of this sadness. It has been a good holiday with friends just hard not to reflect this time of year.
Hi Gwen, I hope you are having a good time with the friends. I can feel your sadness. And I feel for your girls… It is sad that their dad has checked out at this time… I’m waiting for more updates from you. (((((hugs))))))
Hi Gwen
I will wait for your update to write more, but in the meantime I wanted to send you big hugs. Release that sadness here anytime my lovely friend.
Gwen sending you a big hug. Thank you for helping me so much. I beat myself up too thinking I should be further ahead, more evolved. I love your "Reality is my middle name" moniker.
Reading about your sitch, I totally empathize with you. I see you taking it day by day all the highs and lows and that gives me strength. I'm not alone! Neither are you.
HI
The grieving does end
But it takes as long as it does and then sometimes it still comes up for more brief
periods
MY XH left and he has had no contact for many years
we only recently got some FB messages from him to our kids
You do sound like you are handling the process well and after a while, it just becomes a memory with little attachment
Take good care-
Hi Gwen
First of all great job with your girls. They seem very strong. I believe they get that from your strength.
I just read your story. I Am in the same situation as you.
W left me and my 2 girls 13-15 over 5 months ago. The D's haven't seen their mom in over 4 months. 3 emails since then in which my D's don't answer. They feel insulted. They like yours have said they are done. My W however had hurt them emotionally and verbally before walking out.
It is sad but I see now they are well. They have great friends and school is amazing this year. No drama.
They also said to me that I was the parent who was more present, loving, involved than W. i am sure you are the same. That is why our D's stick to us and it was easy for them to detach.
I hope your H wakes up and realizes what he has caused as damage in his selfish actions. If he does , Your D's will test his sincerity and will have him move mountains to repair the hurt. It's their trust that will be very hard to repair.
My W has missed so much in 5 months, I can't imaging what your H missed in over 18months. But That's their problem. You and me have missed nothing. I know there are sad times but think about all the smiles, laughter and joy you shared with them. I know I have had a lot. I'm glad I missed nothing.
I'm not expecting nothing from my W as contact for XMas. The girls want and expect nothing as well. We will have an awesome first XMas together without W. We are a family still.
Hope to see an update from you soon. Until then hugs.
Haven't posted in a long time. Finally "seeing" reality and it is horrifying and illuminating in the weirdest of ways. I am ok. I am just mentally trying to wrap my head around my part in my own life. This is hard work! LOL
Also how do I cope with the practical side of life? Just lots of new questions and I must answer them on my own.
H is literally still on the run. NC except a random text about money. NC or questions about the girls. It is if they don't exist. I submitted 3 doctor bills for reimbursement and he never asked why she went to see a specialist. That horrifies me but this is who he is now.
My most important question is... who am I?
Hi Gwen, nice to see an update from you. You often kindly post on others sitches, so it is good to see you posting on your own.
I'm sorry to hear that H is still running. I find the lack of questions about medical things incredible. It does show how far removed from usual behaviour people get. I know people say the lack of interest in the children is hard to take.
I think, whilst this may be him now, it hasn't always been him and won't always be him. My guess is something will change at some point - but it takes a lot for many MLCers to start looking inward.
As for you, it sounds as though you are moving forward with the practical side of things - but what about your most important question? Looking forward, who would you like to be? What would you like to be feeling, doing? Who with? It's useful to have a look at these questions I think. MLC, whilst unwanted, does present opportunities and if we can take them, our lives can become even better.
Take care and keep posting xx
Hi Gwen, its lovely to have an update from you, I have missed hearing about how your doing.
Its sad when the s just vanishes from life, its hard to comprehend what makes them do it or how they think this is acceptable; which goes to show that they are not in a sound mental state. Your h will look back one day and be saddened by what his decisions and actions have created, the loss of his girls and his w, his life. It maybe soon or it maybe when he is aged and alone, he will reflect back upon his life at some point.
So to the important person - You. There is a fine line between living and existing; when our s leaves us unexpectedly we get through because we have no choice, the bills need to be paid, the laundry done and children looked after, we exist, so its finding our way back across that line into living again. This opens up our mind to how we got here, how one person became responsible for us being happy, because remove them and we feel deep loss and unhappiness. I think the lesson I have learnt from this is that no matter what happens in the future, whether it is a r with my h or other person, that I keep an independent part of me and that I remain responsible for my own happiness. GAL.
So to your question - Who am I. I feel that you should not push yourself into trying to work this out, it will come naturally as you discover new things/opportunities that will come along your way. Something that you may not have even considered could be the thing that takes your life to a whole new level. So my thoughts are that you are open to everything and see where it leads you. Enjoy and embrace your new independence, discover what is out there ........ this is only my 2cents.
You never know what is around the corner, it may be your h, may be a career opportunity, maybe meet someone else or make a new friend who introduces you to a new hobby, there is always hope that tomorrow will bring something great. Today is for living and tomorrow for dreaming.
Hugs to you Gwen
Merry Christmas.
I am enjoying my morning coffee. The tree is up and the girls are sleeping late. We'll go to Mass tonight.
I did not return to my FOO this year. A long story but I am seeing things for what they really are right now. I feel like a walking clique' but a friend wisely told me, "there is a reason they are called cliques'" -- LOL.
Acceptance is a powerful thing. It hurts but it is powerful and I must use that power to propel me forward. H sent the girls a holiday hallmark. Nothing else but love Dad and two gifts cards. I imagine he'll send them his usual "insert holiday here" text but they don't usually respond anymore. On the plus side H paid D's doctor bills (never asking why she went) but he needs me to sign some paperwork so I think that is most likely the reason he paid so quickly. It doesn't matter though - bill was paid.
The biggest realization for me lately has been that my father and husband really are alike in that other horror of cliques' - being narcissists. Of course we all are and it is a spectrum of behavior but I was reacting to some unhealthy patterns in a very unhealthy way for my entire life.
I can't figure out who I am because my voice was stifled for so long by the men in my life. I played a part in that because my father expected it and just when I was finding myself I married a man who is similar in temperament.
Choosing no contact for Christmas was devastating but I finally accepted that unless I was strong enough to agree with everything and bend into a pretzel Christmas contentment would not be attainable for me. I simply refuse to engage and I chose that because I finally started to value myself. My father does not understand and thinks I love him less but no I just have finally started to see clearly that I will never be loved by these men in The way I expect and deserve. Yes it makes me unbelievably sad but I have some peace because I understand it now. I accept it now. I really do accept it - not in the sense of feeling "victimized" but in the sense that I can't change it.i just have to change myself.
The girls are so wise. I have also seen that they have a voice and a strength that I never possessed. H and I worked so hard to raise them as strong, independent women. Maybe it was because H let me do all the raising. The girls say they rarely had a substantial conversation with him. On the other had they say I have way too many heavy conversations with them. I am going to try to lighten up a bit in 2016.
These girls though are awesome! Of course they'll have issues because we all do but I think they are far better equipped to deal with them than I was. They also have a strong sense of who they are and what they deserve. I am so grateful to have a front row seat to witness their lives.
Irish- you are right. I have missed nothing. Every laugh, every tear, every smile....our house is a home and the girl's bring their friends here all the time. Many of them call us their 2nd family because they know they are valued and this home is a safe harbor. Last night the girls asked if they could throw a New Year's Eve party. They are not party animals and they asked if I wanted to invited rinds too. These are truly good kids.
So I am grateful this Christmas. I am truly grateful for all of it. I just am trying desperately to find out how to quit looking over my shoulder. I guess you fake it 'till you make it. Time helps and heals. Of course there are scars but they get tougher too.
Got two little kittens. My youngest wanted something to love and it was the best decision. The three of us are enchanted. They are part of our modern family. I feel a shift towards the future this Christmas. Even our tree is different. I used ornaments my mother had at her senior living place. It turned out beautiful and kitten friendly. The collectibles are still here but I am not sure if we'll unborn them anytime soo. I threw away his Christmas stocking. I am clearing space in my head and my heart.
I usually don't believe in resolutions but I want 2016 to focus on savoring the present and building my future. I need to stay focused forward and bit by bit I feel like that is happening by choice rather than circumstance.
Merry Christmas friends. I know how incredibly hard this can be no matter what your situation. You have all inspired me during your darkest days. I have cheered for you with each little victory and cried with you when you felt lost and sad. Through your postings I have felt solidarity and empathy. Your humanity and love during your journey has given me hope. Thank you for showing me the best of humanity even in all of it's exquisite messiness. Thank you.
Gwen,
Your New Year's resolution sounds perfect. Focus on the present and allow the future to unfold when it's ready. Don't rush it. Enjoy each and every minute you spend w/your girls and yes, each and every day as well.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Hi Gwen
You sound so strong. Great idea for the New Years party. It will add a great memory with loved ones and friends to start the year.
My D's got gift cards dropped off at their school yesterday.
No W on site. The secretary gave it to them.
So they wrote on the en envelope no thanks, walked over to her work and put them in the mail box.
Have yourself an amazing Christmas. One that will be positive and full of love.
Irish xx
Back to work and the regular routine.
Proud of all I accomplished during the holiday break. First and foremost I showed my girls how to rise above. I was not perfect but it was a time of love and peace and authenticity. We all made the best of the present and gratitude was overflowing yet we were all strong in what and who we valued. H never contacted the girls and they chose not to contact him. This was not a decision made in anger or retribution. I can't explain it but H doesn't exist anymore and my girls don't have any connection to this man. I am most empathetic but honestly he has discarded me in every way.
It is if I am texting my accountant re: bills. Nothing more. I pray every day for him to show some emotion but he is devoid of anything. I must carry on and not think too much about him. I keep thinking the guy I married would insist I carry on and be there for the girls.
I will post more later on a new thread. I think it is time for some new perspective.
I keep thinking the guy I married would insist I carry on and be there for the girls.
I like this. And I think it says a lot about how deep his crisis is, that he has abandoned his girls so completely.
One of my kids has recently cut off contact with his dad after a spat (during the spat the ex decided to start bad mouthing me, which did not go over well at all with my son and his girlfriend.) I try to keep a balance between understanding their reason for cutting contact, and discussing how completely cutting someone out is a big burden on YOU that may not be worth it (versus carrying on a polite but distant relationship). Funny thing is, this is the same discussion I had with my ex early in our marriage, about him contacting his WAW mother who he had cut out of his life (they reconciled and now have a good relationship.)
I would really like my kids to see the movie Concussion, as I honestly believe some (definitely not all) of my ex's behavior can be attributed to the 6 concussions he had during his 40's. I would hope it could give them a kinder view of their father.
Hi G
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your girls and your situation
It also sound like you may be ready to let go and move on
Your girls seem mature and well adjusted as mine do also
We have no choice but to let H go-
we have to focus on rebuilding our new lives with our kids and family and friends
It sounds like the three of you have something special,,created out of the loss
I know my children and I have also created this
And for you,,you may be surprised at all the good in store for you up ahead
It may not look like what you wanted but it may turn out to be what was needed
for your internal growth
Wishing you a peaceful night
Thanks everyone for stopping by. The isolation of this situation has been particularly difficult for me. I am blessed with many friends but 18 months after BD these patient and well meaning people have no interest in listening to me go on about my H, his MLC or anything else that pertains to this whole mess. Life goes on and I understand.
Kml you are right to observe that H is deep in crisis. Peace - I agree that we must carry on. I hesitate to say I will ever be able to "drop the rope."
I want to share something but will post on a new thread.
Gwen, I know what you mean by this “isolation” thing. I stopped talking about my sitch with my family and friends. Like you said, they don’t have any interest in my feelings. If I express any feeling I get 2x4s, ensured. Even my closest GFs don’t want to hear about my sitch anymore. All I get these days is “I wish you would already moved on…”
Gwen, please come back and share whatever is on your mind. We are here for you. Sometimes I also I think if I ever be able to “drop the rope”… I think for some people it is a lot slower process than for others. Plus, you were married for 25 years and have two Ds with your H. I will take some time, but it will get better.
Thinking of you.
Gwen,
Please come here to post your thoughts, views, etc. In the real world, people do tend to get tired of us talking about our situations. All they want is for us to get over it and move on. Unfortunately, when dealing w/someone in crisis, it's up and down and quite frankly, they don't have a clue as to what we are dealing with. It's not a normal separation/divorce. Until they walk a mile in our shoes, they will not understand how much of an emotional rollercoaster that we are on.
For some, detachment/dropping the rope takes longer. It could be that "we" have some or even more contact w/our spouses and that keeps us "hooked" into their drama and we can't detach like we think we should. Others have children, so there is going to be some interaction, which can slow a person down w/detaching and then there are those who disappear and might send us a post card which then gets our hopes up that they are peeking out and might be waking up. It's difficult detaching because we fear that if we do, they might not come back or that we don't care. That's not the case, they do know how we feel about them, but they don't want to admit it.
So, please, the forum is here for you and we want you to know that we do care and we certainly don't get tired of listening.
Also, it's time to start a new thread.
Please take care of yourself.
Hi Gwen - I know you are over your post number but wanted to chime in on your last post here.
I totally identify with what you said, I was told that I should expect it to take 2yrs before I felt ok again and that was from people who had "normal" marriage breakdowns. I have pressure from g/friends to "dump his selfish arse" and get on with my life, finding someone who deserves me. So yep, I know just how hard it is to live with the turmoil, sadness and hope all on your own ......however, your not on your own, you have us, we care about you, know what you are going through and are here to support you all the way, the good, the bad and the ugly times.
Gwen, this is a life long journey you are on, as I feel that even if you do decide to shut the door on your h, the scars are still there and yes, I know they will fade with time, but I feel this is an experience that will have a profound affect on you, some parts good and some parts not so good.
So no matter how long its been and no matter what the subject of your posts please come here. We are a family, a family that won't ever make you feel that you are a nobody or a nuisance.I for one would very much miss hearing from you, we started this journey around the same time and I hope will can remain friends, helping each other through this rollercoaster life we are living.