It reads: "The Castle of Aaaaarggghh"

Divorcebusting.com

...He must have died while carving it.

Goals:
1. Use this job as a stepping stone to something else even better.
2. Put my finances in order so I feel some peace, serenity and pride where money is concerned.
3. Help get D12 back on a level playing ground with everyone else her age (socially, academically, emotionally)
4. Continue to rise above the past 3 years in a way that works for me--rise above in a manner that makes my life fairly awesome and much, much better than what I left.
5. Create a sound support system of 5 close friends here and in Ohio.

Soooo, the publisher sent me an email yesterday saying he was pleased with the last issue. Sent it with a cc to all the muckity-mucks and human resources. Now, just have to do it again...and again. Trying to focus on the next right thing. :-)

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2543263&page=1

I knew you could do it and so did they! Now, you've figured out what they are looking for, which was the hardest part, you will be able to continue to write some great articles. Keep that email so that you can refer back to it whenever you feel a bit frustrated.

Ok.

I could use some legal advice from those who know more than I...

I have a hearing in Ohio mid-March.

Honestly, I do not want to break my momentum at work and stop, go to Ohio, get distracted, etc...

I'm finally reclaiming some of what I lost when I arrived in N.Y. and I allowed Matt to rock my world again.

So, what can I do?

I've been considering firing my attorney. I know that it will mean starting over with someone else.

However, I feel angry that I'm paying this guy thousands of dollars to receive what I could have received without his help.

Is there a way to postpone these things?

I filed. Matt counterfiled.

How could I buy like 3 months time to regroup and figure out what's next?

Child support is finally in place. I haven't received it yet...but, Matt told D12 that child support took money from his paycheck yesterday.

It was kinda funny...he has been texting her regularly...something new for him. I haven't heard a thing, but he's contacting her almost daily. He sends her this text "Don't give M (our dog) Beneful because of the warnings, etc..."

D12 responds, "No worries, we can't afford Beneful."

Matt: Well, that's good.

D12: Is it? Really?

Matt: Child support is taking money from this paycheck.

Anyway. I've made it clear to my atty how I feel about his performance and I've declared my rage that my child is going without when my drug-addicted, adulterous husband is still living the life.

I just want all of this to go on a shelf. I, honestly, wish I hadn't filed. It was too much to ask of myself. I get where I was coming from...No regrets.

But, I just want to focus on work, catching up on my bills and D12.

Heather,
This is only my opinion and what I would do if I were in your situation. I would go to the hearing and get it over with. There will never be a convenient time to schedule a hearing that meets your time frame. The paper will always have deadlines. I would advise your supervisor that you will need to return to Ohio for a few days, but I would also let him know that you will continue to work on your articles while you are away. Yes, you can do this because you will have a laptop and you will not be in court all of the time.

You've come too far to now put the skids on this. It's time to get this over and done with. As for firing your attorney, I wouldn't do it because you do not know everything as to what he's been doing. Did you ever get a response to your email? Did you request that he send you an itemized listing of what he's done, hours, and amount? Just because he's not done everything that you expected him to do, doesn't mean he hasn't been doing the work. Legal work takes a lot of time and when it comes to dealing with the judicial system, things really do get bogged down. Not everything can be done w/a snap of the finger and when we think that they should be done. BTDT and trust me...even a simple divorce takes a lot of time, especially if there is a home, assets and children involved. Don't do anything rash just because you are frustrated. You have to think this thru before running off that short pier and falling into the river. Another thing, he's not going to do the work unless he's getting paid. If you've not paid him, the work will cease until you do because they want to ensure that they are paid, as well as their staff.

Again, I would go to the hearing. I would want this over and done with so that I could move on w/my life and not have to deal w/Matt any longer. It's time to start your new life w/o him being a ball and chain around your waist. However, this is only my opinion.

I am not an attorney and I did not stay at a Holiday Inn express, but I would look into this: I have seen many court dates postponed in Ohio because one of the parties involved switched cousel. I do not know about the timing or logisitics and I certainly would suggest getting additional input.

In fact I was subpeoned late in 2013 to testify in a civil hearing and the defendant switched attorneys 3 times and the hearing still has not happened.

In my case, my xh switched lawyers two months prior to the hearing, but it didn't stop and/or postpone the hearing at all and he was the one that filed. We moved forward in spite of the lawyer switcheroo.

Could I use my probation on my job and my lack of child support as a reason for the delay?

It seems a little unrealistic for the courts to expect me to even afford to travel to Ohio--leave my job--when I am still waiting on money and my job is on the line. I do have the letter that states the toll this divorce has taken on me professionally. Do I use it?

I just need a little time.

Honestly, part of me is excited to be rid of Matt...Another part knows I will get worked up about going back...I will feel full of anxiety...It will sway my attention--again.

I really wish I hadn't filed. I need to let it go. But, I wish I had trusted my instincts.

Job, I hear what you are saying. I know this attorney has done a fair amount of work. Still, I don't think he has focused on the things that would get me what I asked for. I think he has been on the defensive.

My instincts tell me that the deal I will get...will be what I could've gotten with legal aid.

And, there's nothing stopping me from taking all these reams of legal crappola to legal aid in N.Y.

So far, in terms of a fair fight, this hasn't been one and it pi$$es me off to no end. This has been wayyyy too easy for Matt.

I have nothing to gain at this point.

I go to Ohio for this hearing...unless Matt's atty sends the proposal he has promised-still, even if he does--chances are I won't get spousal support and D20 won't get her tuition reimbursed...I still won't be able pay back my dad...I get to hear whether or not we are going to trial. I will be punished for not attending mediation.

I hate...HATE...that I've spent thousands of dollars for this crapy deal.

I'd feel better getting the same with a Legal Aid atty.

I'm going to see if I can postpone the hearing.

I'm going to talk to Legal Aid in N.Y.

I may talk to a few attorneys in N.Y. who don't charge for consultation.

I still feel that my case, with the right attorney to fight his good attorney...should get decent spousal support, 50 percent of retirement and a lump of the money he spent from his retirement...not to mention the possibility of some reimbursement for D20's tuition.

I may be wrong. But, this just seems too unfair after everything we've been through. I need to fight harder and in my best frame of mind. Otherwise, I'm going to continue to feel like a victim.

He admitted to emotional cruelty and abandonment. ADMITTED. So, how am I not getting spousal support after 24 years of marriage? Bad attorney. That's how.

I'm sending an email to my atty to ask about the options with the hearing. If it's possible to postpone.

Should I mention that I'm considering hiring a NY attorney? Or do I keep this to myself?

I did ask for an itemized bill.

Are you still on probation? If not, you can't use that as an excuse to postpone this hearing. Yes, the courts do expect you to travel and they don't care how you do it. People travel all over the world to return for hearings. I think your problem is that you don't want to deal w/it, but Heather, you are going to have to deal w/it at some point, especially if you are subpoenaed to appear (which could happen if Matt opts to push and then decides to take over and file again if you drop the case.) If you are subpoenaed, you will have no choice but to go or face jail time or a stiff fine for contempt of court in not showing up. So, yes, the court does expect you to appear on said date unless there is a reasonable postponement request.

You state that you need a little time. How much time do you need? You've been dealing w/this for almost a year now. Again, I think you don't want to deal w/it and would like for it to take place while you are safely tucked away in NY. It's not going to work that way. I do believe that if you spoke to your supervisor and advised him that you'll need to be away for a couple of days because of this hearing, there would be no problem. They see this kind of stuff all of the time. I also think they would be happy to hear that you are finally going to get this taken care of so that you can put your focus on your job w/o being distracted.

Now, on to what matters in the way of money:

You should get 50% of his retirement for the time you were married. If he worked and paid into social security, you are entitled to social security when you reach, I think 66, if you are still single (I think). You are still entitled to the social security even if he remarries. If he dies, you are entitled to survivor benefits as well. The social security is a given and you don't have to fight for that. You will need a copy of your marriage license and divorce decree to get that when you are old enough.

As for the retirement, you have two choices, lump sum payment now or upon his retirement it is set up that you get a monthly stipend. You are entitled to this as his wife and having been married for quite some time. I wouldn't give this up. I would also fight for your share of the retirement he withdrew and spent on himself. Do you still have proof of this?

Heather, give it up...you aren't going to get the $2,500 for your daughter's tuition. You didn't have anything in place legally that stated he was to help pay for her college. Your daughter is an adult now and he's not obligated to pay her tuition. This is a moot point...move on to more important matters, i.e., such as your portion of his retirement.

As for spousal support, I seriously doubt that you'll get that...but again, it's worth looking into. You are working now and the court will look upon your employment and see that you are making a good salary and might knock that out of the court room. Again, look into it, but I will be surprised if you get it. Bad attorney? I don't think so...didn't the court rule against the spousal support? The attorney can only do so much, especially if the court rules otherwise.

We all have had to pay thousands of dollars for divorces. I paid well over $8,000 just to get the nut to sign off on a legal separation, as well as other costs directly related to the divorce. Divorce is costly and it's not the easiest thing in the world to get thru.

I gave you my honest opinion of what I would do and what I think you can get. We've beat this discussion to death a month or so ago on the same topics. Go back and re-read the opinions of the posters...but the bottom line is this...do the homework and educate yourself before you do something you'll regret later on. Just remember, the longer you put things off, the more stuff piles up and you know how you get when this happens.

Bottom line...this is something you need to decide to do. We all have opinions about what you should do...but you are the only one that can decide what is best for you.

Good luck!

Heather,
Why in the world would you tell that man you are thinking of hiring another attorney? No, you don't do that! There are some things you keep to yourself and for now...this is one of them.

Hi Lois,

I am not sure the attorneys in NY will be of much use to you. My gut feeling since you are not in OHIO and have to travel there each time is to follow Jobs advice and just go and get it over with. To start over with a new attorney means you will need to spend time interviewing attorneys in OHIO which may mean more trips and time away from work. Your present attorney is probably just following the normal timeline for divorces and putting in as little time on your case as possible. This is because he does not see it as a money maker for him. This may be to your benefit to get out of it with as little owed as possible. If you hire a new york attorney who is licensed in OHIO you will have huge expenses for travel, hotels, food, etc. In your case, it is probably best to take what you can and put this behind you. If you were still in OHIO, I would probably recommend something else.

Just so you know, you could travel back to Ohio, get in the courtroom sit down and have his attorney request an extension and the judge bangs the gavel and you have to go home and come back again in 3 months.

^^^ bdub is right. And the courts I deal with will sometimes allow out-of-state parties to attend hearings by telephone. If you have an assigned judge, you can call the judge's clerk, and they are very good at letting you know how the judge likes things to be done.

But yes, extensions of time for hearings are frequently given, especially if you have your H's agreement.

Heather,
I have never intentionally given you wrong advice and what others have said is true. If you hire an attorney in NY, his/her fees may be even higher than what you are currently paying. Even though you began this journey w/one lawyer in OH, the new attorney will want to do his/her own work, as well as all the phone calls, emails, faxes, text messages, etc. and yes, office visits you would need to go to. Then you have not only your travel expenses, but his/hers as well. It's not a one time travel deal, especially if he/she has to go there a number of times to represent you.

Are you truly willing to pay additional funds for a new one when you are this close to being done? I will say this...I think your expenses are going to be even higher than what they already are if you decide to switch to a NY attorney. I do agree w/one of the posters...had you remained in OH, I wouldn't have had heartburn over a change in lawyers then, but now...well I see more money swirling around the drain.

Also, I can possibly see three things happening here. 1. Your lawyer is already frustrated w/you about things you've either done or haven't done...he could very well advise you that he is "firing you" as a client and will submit a final bill to you and will want payment in full, i.e., not a partial payment; or 2. You decide to fire him and you still will have to pay him in full the balance of what you owe him. Either way, you won't be able to continue paying along the way. He has bills and staff to pay and will want a quick settlement of the balance. 3. You and your lawyer part ways and your h decides he's going to go full steam ahead and changes his counter suit to the actual filing...you then, are no longer driving the bus, and will have to adhere to what goes on w/the proceedings w/your new attorney. Right now, you have the advantage because you filed first.

Again, this is your decision, but it may very well cost you even more money in the long run. Is this really what you want to do? Do you really want to be spending every penny you have fighting city hall, so to speak? Think long and hard before you do anything because from where I'm sitting, you are very close to the finish line when it comes to settling and getting a divorce. But, that's my opinion.

Thanks to everyone for all the thoughtful posts.

Job, I'm not upset with you. I'm upset with me.

Life, I agree. My attorney tried to pay back a favor to my mother and, then, realized quickly that he got himself into a mess that wasn't going to pay any dividends. I hired him because he could create a decent dissolution proposal...not as a divorce attorney.

I remember, very vividly, going into my attorney's office shortly before I left for NY. He slammed me with his $3800 fee. He told me that filing was the ONLY way I would get spousal and child support, AND, get to take D12 to N.Y.

I had these deep sense of foreboding with the whole thing. I think I posted about it. Something just said, "NO!"

My instincts were telling me to quietly leave. Get permission for D12 and get the bill for my atty.

I'm angry at what has transpired since I left.

Here's the bottom line, for me:
Can I live with myself with how this turns out?

I'm not sure of the answer yet. I'm angry that we were given a sound 5 more months of hell after I left.

I certainly don't feel like I have the advantage. I have felt pulled around by the nose.

What I need, more than anything, is to feel that I'm making conscious, not desperate decisions. My clarity is returning a bit.

The whole money debacle has weighed on me 24/7.

I really think I need a chance to put things back in order before making any trips to Ohio.

I sent my attorney an email--I asked about the possibility of getting an extension. I was nice and also asked about getting an itemized bill for what I owe him.

I didn't let on about thinking about another attorney--but, I did say I was considering all my options-given we don't get a settlement proposal. I asked about that here because I wondered if it would give me the extension.

This is like when Matt used to beat me at chess. I hated it then and I hate now. And, I need to know I'm going to be able to live with the result in the end in the sense of justice being served.

He admitted to the first two counts--I guess I don't see how my attorney had to put a whole lot of energy into getting me a fair deal. And, this doesn't seem fair. That's what bugs me. It puts more pressure on me and little on him to create a better life for D12.

Heather,
You can't change what transpired in the past, but you can deal with the present.

Why are you asking if you can live with yourself with how this turns out? If you are referring to a divorce, yes you can live w/yourself. Please let me remind you of the way you were living this time last year. As I recall, your home needed some repairs, repairs that you had put off because you didn't have the funds. You had bills due and you were robbing Peter to pay Paul. Your kids needed coats and you were struggling trying to figure out how to purchase them. Your oldest daughter went off the college and struggled and had several incompletes and returned home. You were homeschooling not only your youngest daughter, but were homeschooling several other children. (This will be provided as evidence of you earning an income when he left. Yes, even though it wasn't much, it was an income that was claimed on your tax returns.) You had a hole in the roof of your building and a tarp was placed on the roof temporarily. The pump to the pond was not working and your vehicle needed repairs. There were many, many days you came here worried about how you were going to make ends meet and he hadn't given you money, or should I say just a little bit.

Or, are you thinking that if you don't go forward w/this divorce that your h will think more kindly of you and give you the money you need when you ask for it? Do you honestly think that he's going to wake up any time soon and if he does, are you hoping that he'll want to return to you? Because if you are thinking this way, then you are not taking into account all of the stuff he's done in the last few years. You have to put these thoughts aside and face reality and come to realize that no one is going to help you unless you help yourself. Your daughter needs you to fight for her and the only way to do that is thru the court. Your h isn't going to be nice and generous and give you your share of his retirement...oh no....he's not sharing that unless he's court ordered to do so. Wake up and face reality. YOU are going to have to fight this battle in order to get what is rightfully yours.

Heather, anything is better than what you've experienced over the last several years. You are now going to get court ordered child support each and every month and most likely on time too. You don't have to contact him and beg for money. You are no longer living in a house that required repairs and your vehicle is in good running shape. Your oldest daughter is now working two jobs and living elsewhere. She's not under your roof giving you grief from every turn. Your youngest daughter is in a quieter environment and once things settle down, she'll meet people and she will continue to blossom as she grows up. You have a job that provides you w/a paycheck and you know what you'll receive each and every pay day.

Once you saw an attorney and sought out legal advice, the ball began to roll. Quite frankly, you haven't been at this very long and even though your lawyer may have been slow out the gate, things are still moving along. True, not quite as fast as you would have liked them to...but it's happening and everything is being documented and processed. Divorce takes time and when it's done, you don't have to worry about it again.

In order to make good decisions, you need to breathe and then settle yourself down. You can't make good decisions when you are emotional. Emotions are what get you and others into trouble when dealing w/your situations. When you are dealing w/your lawyer, you've got to put your business hat on, state clearly and concisely what it is that you want and leave the victim mentality at the door. The lawyer is already aware of what bs your h has put you thru because you've told him a number of times. You don't have to keep reminding him because you are running up your tab doing this. Once is enough. Twice is too much and depletes your funds. Talk to him as a business associate and be firm. He sees you as being wishy washy, a scared little mouse that doesn't want to rock the boat for fear that if you do, you'll get nothing. The battle can't be successful if you are going to be wishy washy. If you don't work w/your lawyer and put forth the effort to work w/him, he's not going to bust his chops for you. So, here's my suggestion and you aren't going to like it...leave the victim at the door and bring out the survivor to fight your battle. You are in survival mode and in order to get what you are entitled to out of this divorce deal, YOU are going to have to get behind your lawyer and fight beside him to get this done.

Let me leave you w/a quote that I read today: "you can't live a positive life w/a negative mind". Think positive and you will discover that things will turn around when you least expect them. If you continue to think negative...well that's all the ice cream truck will serve up is negativity and nothing will go right.

You raise some good points.

I will carefully consider what you are saying.

I think I had this idea that, because he's been such a shid, this process would be easier and the courts would say..."Hey, what an a-hole, this lady deserves a break!"

Guess that was a little naive.

I still feel the extension wouldn't be such a bad thing. I need to settle my stomach a bit after all this and reclaim some of my power. I'm tired of flying by the seat of my pants. And, trying to get this done in the next 2-3 weeks feels like more of the same.

Are there just MLC-ers that...no matter the depth of the depression...they are just pieces of shid?

Maybe I'm still yearning for this nightmare to be over with an awakening. I hurt so much for my kids. But, I can't change that. I can only focus on the good stuff in MY life.

There are people in this world that are just plain pieces of shid every day of the year. They don't have to be depressed or in MLC for this to happen. As for your h, he's got a lot of issues that he'll most likely never do anything about. But, that's not your problem. Your concern needs to be for your daughter and yourself.

You have to accept that Matt isn't the man he was when you married him. He's changed and so have you. You have to look at who he is today and right now, he's not someone I would want to call your h. He's selfish, self-absorbed and it's all about him. If he truly cared about you and the girls, he would have been there and done more for all of you. He would have ensured that the home was in good shape and that your vehicle was in good shape...but no, he wasn't there and now what is he worried about? His tools! That goes to show you just how he's thinking these days. You've got to be the one to think about YOU and your daughter. Heather, the fairy tale is over and reality has set in...you need to fight for what you are entitled to.

Just remember...you can't get anything done properly when you are reacting emotionally. You've got to put those emotions aside and think "business".

Heather, there will never be a good time for a divorce because it succks no matter how you slice it.

Here's what happened to me...$15,000 later. I was responsible for half of a debt I knew nothing about. My half? $30,000. He had the bills sent somewhere else and paid them from an account I didnt know about either.

What did the judge say? You were married, you should have known. He invaded both of our retirement funds.

What did the judge say? See above.

He got let go from his job. The judge decided that at his age he wouldnt be able to get a job at that salary, so, my support was based on half of that..when he got a job.

He didnt tell anyone that he had a job lined up in another state.

I, like you, didnt want to have to go through this. It dragged on for a year.

I was worn down by then, so, I agreed not to take him back to court for any reason in order to get the thing done.

So, I lost an awful lot because of fear, because of second guessing myself, because of not wanting to upset him.

Do what you need to do for you and your child. Get it done. Trust me when I tell you that it doesnt matter if you get it delayed. It will still succk.

I get that you are scared. I get that you dont really want this and you think that this will end any chance of him coming out of this in the future and returning to you.

Do it anyway, Heather. Dont look at what you didnt do in the past. You dont want to have to look back, like I did, and wish you had acted sooner.

This is a business deal. Get the best one you can, as long as it is fair.

You dont want this looming over your head for three more months.

You can do this.

You keep getting mad at your attorney for the fact that the courts won't punish your ex for leaving. Well, they won't. Divorce court is not the place to resolve your emotional issues. And no, it never does feel fair.
Just go and get it done. Unfair though it is, you won't usually get alimony if your icomes aren't hugely different. Child support is by formula, and yes, it's not enough. At least you have custody.

You should get your share of the retirement and be done. And try to find a roommate asap to help with your rent.

Heather I don't very often post to you these days - a lot of people swing by and give you fabulous advice.

I have gained so much from this forum. When I first came here, many years ago, in my secret heart I believed that what I was going through was the worst thing that ever happened to a human being.

Coming here was an eye opener. We have all had a pile of stuff put on us that never 'should' have happened. I feel huge compassion for you and what has happened, but it isn't 'worse' than what many others here have gone through.

I believe that people who want to leave a marriage should be held to the same standard of financial accountability than if they wanted to break a business contract. But they aren't, we have the curious notion of no fault in all circumstances. But we live with what we have and I do understand the reasons for no fault divorce. It feels unfair though as the profligate and negligent and downright abusive benefit.

Please stop wasting emotional energy on what you cannot change. The situation is what it is. Time to move forward.

No-one here is being hard on you. You are being hard on yourself for the wrong reasons!! I would think that almost anything would be better than living long term with an addict.

I miss what I had, but I know I am better off without who my xh now is. I think you need some friends. You have virtual friends here, and you need some friends in the real world to hang out with and have some fun.

You have so much talent. Think where you could be in five years. The second half of your life is ahead, and you have so much to offer and receive

Heather,

Unfortunately what you may want or feel you deserve is not what you will get in the court system. The only way is if your husband agreed to it. Most likely to get that you would have to wear him down and that takes a lot of money, tens of thousands of dollars. The court will agree with what ever you two can work out or it will decide after a trial and lots of lawyer time. My wife and her lawyer presented me with an agreement that I thought the court would feel was extremely one sided in my favor. I did not think they would accept it. I even thought I would challenge it to make it more fair. The advice I got was to let it go through and not challenge it unless I was willing to spend a lot of money. It took longer for us to agree to each provision of the agreement as asked by our attorneys in court that day than it took for the judge to approve it. The court processes so many divorces now that they rubber stamp them unless one party puts up a fight.

At some point you will decide there is a better fight or direction to approach this. Deep down you will say to get it over so you can move beyond it to a new future. My recommendation is get this part of your story over with. It will be hard up to the day it is finalized. You most likely will shed a tear. On the other side of it you will see changes in your self. You may even see changes in your ex. The dynamics of your relationship will change. Right now you need to treat it like that bandaid you don't want to remove and just rip it off an deal with the brief moment of pain.

Heather when my ex was fighting for custody of his daughter he hired a few different lawyers. Each one was expensive and each always too busy to give his case the time he felt it needed. If you were to get a new lawyer they would charge you a lot of money to research your case and get up to speed. The law is pretty black and white when it comes to what you are entitled too. Go for what ever you are able to get and learn your rights. Try not to delay if you can. Once the legal stuff is settled you will feel so much better. I know I did when I went through my first divorce.

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate all the input.

When pressure mounts, I need a place to let it out. Please don't overanalyze my vents. I know things could be wayyyy worse. I know I'm blessed in so many, many ways...When I get stressed, I unload...and, yeah, I get overly emotional and spew sometimes. I just do.

I feel so much pressure to make this new life a success. And, I'm still dragging so many ghosts from the past. Because of the barrage of stresses, I haven't felt much clarity and peace with my actions. I've felt as if I'm moving like a robot. And, I know I've been a bit depressed.

One thing...I'm really not worried about hurting Matt or driving him away. Honestly.

In fact, I think it's more of the opposite. I'm angry at how the girls and I have been treated.

I guess what I've been searching for is...is this feeling that things are ending on my terms.

In a fair world, I would be buff and stunning and loaded and life would be so freakin awesome I'd need to wear shades because it's so bright. Not that life isn't like this...but, I'm not buff right now. Truth is...I'm a bit depressed and discouraged.

Truth is...I feel old, ugly, worn out and poor.

Before I get another lecture on the power of positive thinking...sometimes things kinda suck and it's ok to acknowledge it. And, frankly, life has kinda sucked since we moved. But, that doesn't mean it won't get better.

I have no regrets and I'm not wishing I was in Ohio, this time last year...but, I am a little homesick.

I just need to express how I'm feeling and get on with it. And, that's what I'm doing. In my way.

My Gosh I've learned so much in the past 5 months. WOW. About myself, my strength, my weaknesses, my determination, my abilities, etc... Keep learning, keep going, keep it going...just keep it going.

Pressure has to lift at some point, right? Isn't that physics?

I know this will be worth it.

And, in God's mysterious ways...these are the lyrics running through my head. They had to fight through some negativity because of the cloudiness of the depressed feelings... but, they reached the surface...

Muppet Movie
Life's like a movie, write your own ending
Keep believing, keep pretending
We've done just what we set out to do.
Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you.

I'm in good shape with the paper this week. I'm going into things with a decent amount done. :-)

Always nice to start with a clean(ish) slate

Hi Heather, I just wanted to mention that I still really enjoy reading your posts. Not the content per se, but the way you write. I forget this is the forum sometimes

Vent away. Oh, and positive thinking? It has its place, but sometimes it is just too 'Oprah-ish'

I'm in an 'ish' mode today, by the looks of it

And things don't always work out like in the movies - stunning, rich, powerful, etc. Sometimes, even when you do the right things, they don't work out. That's why we are able to adapt. It's why we lived and dinosaurs didn't. We're adaptable.

AJ

P.S. Muppets? Funny what comes to mind sometimes

Heather - I do get the need to be able to come here and vent. And it is important for all of us to have a safe place to do so.

And I agree with AJM that it isn't possible for us to always be upbeat.

I also like the way you write.

Please don't take this as a 2 x 4, but I think that what concerns some of us here is that what you write betrays an underlying way of thinking that perhaps you are not fully aware of. There is a world of difference between this and a good ole pity party. I enjoy one as much as the rest, and maybe more. But sometimes I see here a deeper view of life with self as victim.

You have been through a lot and made a lot of changes and shown a lot of courage. If you continue to follow through with these changes,with your courage and honesty you will find that your life is much happier. Try not to regret decisions that you have made - at the time they seemed and probably were the right thing to do. If things don't turn out OK regret is the least helpful emotion possible although the most understandable one.

When you wake up and feel blessed by life and its possibilities, large and small, you will have turned an important corner.

I hear ya Bea. I do. I can see it's progressively gotten worse in the past four months or so.

I also think that some of what makes me like that...also lends to some of my strengths. Strangely. I just can't allow it to dominate my life or continue to set me up for failure just because I see only failure ahead.

I think the thing each of us battles deeply is the very thing that makes us unique and deepens our gifts. Ironically.

Depression has always been my Achilles heel...I can't remember a time when I wasn't worried or negative about some far off impending "tragedy." Why? I don't know?

I was the kid who had a plan in case the Russians attacked. :-)

I do see a similarity in myself and D12. I removed her from public school because, as the psychologists observed, she doesn't handle to many stimuli well at once.

I think, in my case, I process information a bit more slowly than the average bear. Put me in an empty room and give me ONE thing to think about and I'm GOOD! I'm GREAT! I'm the World's most awesome problem solver!!

Put me in a room with brightly-colored wallpaper, posters, pictures, two dogs, a cat, a crazy ex-husband, a pile of bills, a newspaper, a sorta lame attorney, a mother who said to me the other day "YOU STILL DON'T HAVE A COUCH!" and a bunch of other life pressures and you get a sorta catatonic Heather who, with the deepest sincerity, doesn't know which way to turn. Give me a few months in said situation and she, slowly, processes the info to come up with a sound solution...I think that's what you see here. My brain is desperately trying to catch up to life's events.

I happen to be one of those people who does best when I keep things quiet and steady with a minimum of outside noise. I happen to have placed myself, however, in the middle of a stadium at a One Direction concert-I married someone who was a SUPER DUPER CRAZY MAKER-partly because I'm always thinking that I SHOULD be different than I am and I SHOULD be able to handle it.

I'm finding my way. I'm sorry if I've been a downer as I sort through all these feelings.

The good news? I'm finding myself again. I'm seeing my best path. I'm seeing what works for me. And, I'm seeing how to lead the way for D12 who is much like me. And, that's the best news of all.

You've gotten some great advice, Heather. I agree that it's time to wrap this up to put yourself in the best position to move forward.

Hang in there! You can do this :-)

I think you're making great progress finding yourself, Heather. You are figuring out what makes you tick. What situations you do best at and what situations aren't for you.
This speaks volumes to me:

Quote:

Depression has always been my Achilles heel...I can't remember a time when I wasn't worried or negative about some far off impending "tragedy." Why? I don't know?

I was the kid who had a plan in case the Russians attacked. :-)

Yep. That may be part of it right there. You plan. God laughs. Rinse. Repeat.

Quote:

I do see a similarity in myself and D12. I removed her from public school because, as the psychologists observed, she doesn't handle to many stimuli well at once.

I think, in my case, I process information a bit more slowly than the average bear. Put me in an empty room and give me ONE thing to think about and I'm GOOD! I'm GREAT! I'm the World's most awesome problem solver!!

Um, yeah. That's called an introvert. Somebody who gets energized when alone vs. somebody who gets energized in a group of people. i.e. too much stimuli is not what helps you get energized. It's a spectrum vs. a hard and fast though. And life as we know it (the muppets will tell you this too) seems to idolize those that are good in a crowd.

Me? I do well in crowds. But put me next to somebody who is more introverted and I'll drive them crazy. I can be alone without a problem, but prefer to be in a crowded room with loud couches. But like you, I analyze the heck out of things. I process things at my own pace. Sometimes that seems slow. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with an epiphany because my brain is still processing things. Sometimes I get overwhelmed, but I've learned to use a Ben Franklin close (google is your friend) to help me adjust to it.

And what drives me crazier than anything is a liar. Always has. Because with a liar, you never know what's real and what isn't. Again, put me in a room with a liar, and somebody won't be happy when we leave - I have proof of that

I hear you describing somebody how is a deep thinker. Somebody more introverted (by nature) than extroverted. Seems simplistic I know, but that's what I saw in your statement above.

Know what? There's nothing wrong with that. What'll stress you out is trying to be something you're not although there are times you'll have to be. It's not your comfortable state.

It's always a good thing to figure out what works for you and what doesn't, m'dear. And I see that in your posts as well.

Re-training your thinking patterns? I bet those are easier when you have quiet times. But be patient. A lifetime of thinking one way doesn't change overnight with the wave of a magic wand. Shame, but it is how it is.

Figure out what works, Heather. Go with those things (writing, getting some alone time, etc.) Don't worry about what society tells you that you should be. Or your family either

You rock heather!

Don't fire your attorney even through he stinks. It will cost you more money and time. The end is near and it does get better when it's actually over. It really does.

My exh spent 80,000 of our money on hiring a really expensive yet terrible con artist lawyer. That really was painful to watch him blow that money. Even at nyc prices he over paid by at least 60. The lawyer conned my exh out of OUR money. Really sad.

Now it's over and horray for not having to deal with my exh wasting my money any more. I'm able to save and take care of my girls.

It will get better once all the legal stuff is in place.

You are so talented.

Xoxo

Hey Heather, ever thought about doing this kind of thing for fun? (can't post links - quick search for Center Lovell Inn -it's a writing a contest

)

AJ

No, Brook, YOU ROCK! :-)

AJ,

Thanks so much. I never told you how much your post meant to me March 3. It gave me some strength to keep going. Strength to believe in who I am and strength to keep on trucking even if I wasn't in my comfort zone. And, the strength to know I have choices even when it feels like I don't...and, the courage to believe that who I am at my core isn't bad...just different.

Is it possible that this journey, for me...is about trusting my own truth? Learning who I am and accepting that I'm simply fabulous in my own strange way? I'm done apologizing for being me.

I've had so many miracles since I posted last.

I'm almost afraid to mention them, in case it will jinx the good stuff. Life is OK. Dare I say it? LIFE IS OK??? Kinda freaks me out a bit.

D12's tutor who wasn't so reliable...contacted me. She apologized and asked for another chance. D12 LOVES, LOVES, LOVES her. I've asked her to help us through the summer.

The first child support payment arrived. I won't be getting the full amount each month, it will arrive in portions. Of course the state doesn't want Smokey to suffer too much by losing such a big portion of his paycheck. God forbid...bitter jab outta my system... for the moment.

My car payment is up to date. Big sigh of relief.

The man who is my superior is a huge, huge, huge help. He is kind, encouraging, structured, but not belittling. He knows how to run a weekly and he is giving me all sorts of great lessons.

--I've made the decision that I want to continue with this position for 1-2 years. I need to make this challenging position a success. But, after, I will be moving into something a little less public and a less demanding.

So...no sooner than I made this decision and felt really comfortable with it...than... I happen to notice mutual friend of a colleague on Facebook. A children's author. She lives about 30 minutes south of us. In a post I read, I noticed that she recently had the lead story for Nat'l Geo Kids...a magazine that I've always wanted to write for...hmmmm...

Also, someone who works for my company recently revealed his son is Autistic. He opened up a whole network of local Autism support.

I feel as if a whole new type of person is coming into my life. People who are positive and supportive and NOT belittling.

I'm also beginning to believe I CAN do this.

Have had more moments of clarity about Matt. It's slowly dawning on my subconscious who he really is...I will have these moments where I will see him the way I would if we were strangers...which we are now. I'm remembering selfish things he did during our marriage and I'm seeing how I would never tolerate such behavior now.

I had a dream where I told him Thank You for leaving me. In another dream, I was back in Ohio and we were reunited. I longed to go back to N.Y. where I belonged. I was actually describing N.Y. as home and trying to convince Matt how beautiful it was. He just couldn't get it. He totally dismissed it because it was something important to me.

In the dream, I was looking for something interesting to do for a living and I knew that my interesting life was back in N.Y. My life was back in N.Y. That was where I belonged.

Hey I had a compliment on the weekend about how great I do my job in the store.

How it seems to be natural and easy. It's not I'm naturally loud, but do like to be alone. If I could never leave the farm and not care.

I made a decision to work on the make the hardest Things in my life easy, it's something I have done before in dead end crappy jobs. Learnt to do a great job, even tho I hated the work.

Now I'm trying to give people postative feel good warm and fuzzy each time we have an Interaction. H said I was naturally nasty lieing biatch of low morals.

While some stuff might not come naturally you can become better you can "work" at it.

The more I read the more i see most imteratcions with people are script and there and no,new wheels. So you can learn while you might never be natural you might have better Interpersonal skills than others this can put you out in front.

Quote:

I made a decision to work on the make the hardest Things in my life easy,

That advice ought to be stickied!! It is so well put and great advice

Dreams. For a long time I didn't dream, Heather. Then slowly, I started to again. I've had similar dreams of saying thank you. Moments of realizing that the person I knew is long gone and is somebody else now. The person they were all along meaning I didn't see it or they hid it? Or somebody who had a major meltdown and became something different? Both perhaps.

What I've come to realize is that dreams are a way of the subconscious expressing itself. Yours seems to be quite healthily finalizing some things.

And don't ever be somebody else, Heather. Those others are already taken and you are quite interesting in your own right.

Looking forward to reading more of your work. As a suggestion, transitions or new jobs are often started by people as a side job.

Heather,
I saw this quote the other day and thought of how much you have struggled w/trying to be what you thinks others want you to be. I came here over the weekend and read your recent posting and I can see where you are learning to accept who you are and are happy w/the unique person that you are.

Here is the quote: "We can spend our lives trying to be whatever we think others want us to be, but what we really need is to be ourselves. We must own who we are and not shy away from it."

Heather, you've come a long way, my friend. Keep up the good work.

Heather, I have learned a lot of things on this journey. I think the most important one was to learn to love and accept me. All of me, the great parts and the not so great parts.

I was lost for so long. I had gotten so small. The road to grow me back was a long, difficult one. But man, was it worth it.

We can all improve in some way and we should never stop growing.

But accepting that we are worthy and wonderful just the way we are is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and our children.

You are an incredible woman, Heather. I think you dont really see that sometimes. You tend to look at what you cant do rather than what you can do. You tend to see your failings and not your successes.

I know for me, I had my mother and xh's voices in my head for a lifetime. Learning to silence them and seeing who I am took work. Getting new mirrors and listening to my own voice helped me do that.

Time for you to truly believe what a strong, talented, courageous, intelligent person you are.

Silence the voices, Heather, for they are wrong.

You guys are amazing. I read what you wrote days ago, but didn't know how to respond to such unconditional love. Thank you so much for the love.

I'm giving myself permission to change. I'm giving myself permission to reject miserable. I've been so loyal to miserable. It's what I've known. I'm choosing to be loyal to Joy now. :-)

I can go where ever I want to go with this life. I can continue to recreate myself. The bad stuff does not have to define me.

I'm not where I want to be, but I'm closer than I've ever been and...I'm not where I was. Hallelujah. I'm celebrating the courage it's taken to get closer to who God wants me to be.

I've been feeling some sadness and letting go of what was. Leaving my hometown is just sinking in. My life in Ohio has been passing before my eyes, literally. I will close my eyes and have these images of swimming in my Grandma's pool as a kid. Walking to the Memorial Day parade with my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I've even remembered the wallpaper of my room as a kid. I'm not stopping the memories...letting them come in like a gentle ocean wave and recede back into time.

Still having the crazy dreams...my brain seems to be digesting the old dream and accepting/embracing the new.

Get this...I have to share this. This dream was insane.

So, when Matt and I were first married, we had this cocker spaniel. He was our baby.

In my dream, I was back in Ohio. Matt wasn't in the dream...as Matt.

The girls and I were in our bedroom? As it used to be? With this waterbed we used to have. We were in this room that felt like a room where Matt and I spent a lot of time a decade or so ago...about when we had the waterbed.

Anyway, I happen to notice dog poop in this room. I roll this section of the waterbed over and notice there's dog poop in the cracks. Soon, I realize that dog shid is everywhere. I realize that I've been sleeping in dog shid. It's EVERYWHERE. And, I start cleaning it up. I'm working like crazy to clean the carpet, the bed, the room...and, just as I clean up some dog poop, the dog poops again. The room is soon covered. I clean and more shows up.

So, then, I realize that I had promised the girls that I was taking them to a concert. I decide I'm going to honor the promise. I take the dog over to my mom's house. I put the dog in a nice kennel. I make sure he has water. I feel badly, but I leave him in the kennel and ask my mom and stepdad to take care of the dog. I feel lousy to leave him there. He's in a clean kennel with water and I hope he doesn't get sick again. I hope it's over.

I get in my new car. Put my cat in the car and drive off with the girls to go to the concert. I'm not even sure I want to go to the concert, but I know I don't want to stay with the dog. I know I don't want the dog anymore and I feel a bit guilty and sad that I may have to put him down...but I realize I cannot keep him and continue to clean up after him.

I felt sad driving away and I can't say I was exactly excited about where we were going...but, I knew I couldn't live in the shid anymore. And, I was tired of cleaning it up and spending ALL of my time cleaning it up when more just continued to pile up as I cleaned. It was a never-ending battle.

Lol....well, certainly not hard to interpret THAT dream!

Yep. Like an effin Neon-Freudian sign. :-)

Oh!

Other things are coming to the surface for me.

I've recreated some patterns here with this job. Again. I have chosen to surround myself with people who have some fairly ridiculously high standards which are nearly unattainable if I choose to have a life of any kind.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not angry with them. I'm not really angry at all. I'm just seeing that I've done it again. I've put myself in the mix where I have very demanding, controlling people and I'm not feeling the passion for my work. I can do this for a bit...

But, again. I need to use this board to propel me forward. I don't feel energized when I put this paper together. I feel depleted. And, more often than not, I get little positives from the company. The community loves me, but the company is full of some jerks.

Anyway...my point is...I'm noticing this stuff. I'm shelving it for now because this job could be a great stepping stone.

But, in the past, I would procrastinate on thoughts/feelings like this when...now, is the time to act. Like AJ was saying...writing contests...reaching out to these people God keeps putting in my path...taking the time to connect with others who speak my same language. Now is the time to start making some connections and seeking some writing assignments which rejuvenate me as opposed to deplete me.

Writing on these boards brings me joy. Writing for children brings me joy. Making a difference in a thoughtful way...brings me joy. Teaching children brings me joy.

God has given me clues to where my purpose lay. When I feel energized, that's a clue that I'm on the right track.

I'm dog tired with this job. It's wearing me out. Ok for now, but not forever.

I would love to write some short historical pieces for children. Also, I came across another local author who writes for Guideposts. I can see myself feeling some genuine satisfaction from writing inspirational stuff.

I'm getting closer :-) I really am.

The hard part now...letting go of the notion that I deserve to suffer. Embracing the joy. Embracing life when things go WELL. Letting go of the trauma.

Also, I think this job is in my path to teach me discipline with my writing and how to churn it out again. What I need in order to churn it out.

The pieces are coming together.

Quote:

When I feel energized, that's a clue that I'm on the right track.

Aren't those the best times?! And now we can truly appreciate them!

Thanks Mighty!

Everything I'm looking for is in front of me. Anyone who wants to go backwards, they will have to go by themselves. I'm moving forward. Nothing I'm looking for is behind me. Been there, done that, won't do it again. ;-)

Focus on the now. Focus on the moment. --- right now all you need to figure out. Hang in there - you are doing great.

This job isn't where I fit. I think I just accepted it.

Nothing has happened, I haven't been fired...but this job isn't me.

And, the super wonderful thing is...I see my own value, it just doesn't jive with this job.

This morning on my way to work heard in my morning sermon...

I'm closer than I've ever been before...but, I'm not there yet.

I'm not doing anything rash, but I need to begin planning for what's next.

I'm likening this to the first relationship after your marriage ends. Often, it's not a forever person, but someone who is better than where you were, but not where you are meant to be.

I needed to get the he!! outta where I was. God opened a door. He showed me that I deserve to earn a certain amount of money. I deserve a nice car. I deserve a good life.

Now, He's pushing to me to press on a little further to where I fit...to where I'm operating 90 percent on things that I'm naturally good at and 10 percent at things that come a bit harder.

Right now, the equation is off...I'm spending 85 percent of my time on things I stink at...things that will never come easily and only 15 percent of my time at the rest.

I feel relieved.

I'm not giving up my peace, my happiness, my joy...not after everything we fought against.

"When are you going to get up and go get what God's word already told you was yours?"

That's what I heard.

Then, a priest at the local church called a b!tched at me because his church news didn't get into the paper.

Heather,
I might be wrong, but I think I suggested to you quite a while ago, i.e., around the time of your last meeting w/the team, publisher and the HR representative, that you may want to update your resume and begin sending it out. Have you given any serious thought to that?

I can understand a customer calling and complaining about something not being put in the paper for their respective activity. I'm sure the priest didn't use curse words when addressing the issue. He was probably hot under the collar and was expecting his info to be in the paper this week. So, how is it being fixed? Why wasn't it published in the paper? Did his submission get in on time?

Heather, the job you hold right now will have a lot of unhappy customers when things aren't put in the paper, misspelled names, names omitted, etc. It's the nature of the beast. You either have to toughen up your skin when dealing w/these people or it's time to move on to something else.

I, personally, think it's time to find something that you will enjoy. Something that is better suited for your skill set. Maybe something that is behind the scenes, whereby you have a front man that takes the heat and not as a supervisor who deals w/the public every day, all day long, etc. It's been a long time since you've been the "lead" and times have changed and believe me, the public isn't like it use to be and they sure do complain about a lot of stuff and don't accept excuses like they use to. They except the people who provide customer service to be on their toes all of the time. It's a dog eat dog world out there now. The mentality has changed a lot from years ago.

I'm sorry you had an unhappy customer today. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow. Time to pull out that computer and start working on the resume.

edit:

Fifth paragraph, fifth line:

"of stuff and don't accept excuses like they use to. They expect the people who provide customer service to be"

Thanks Job,

Our office doesn't have a receptionist, sales rep or reporter.

I'm in charge of making sure everything gets into the paper. If something gets missed, it's on me.

Now, I'm writing sports copy too. It's just too much for me. I'm a receptionist/photographer/reporter/editor/copy writer/sports reporter

What's weird is how much it's like my marriage. I fell into such a similar pattern...strangely, freakishly similar. I'm expected to do way too much and, then, take the brunt when it all doesn't get done. That's my marriage. That's my dad. So weird. I'm not angry, more like "HOLY shid? Really?"

Some people might be fine with it and flourish...but, honestly, I miss my kid and I miss thinking about things besides this newspaper.

I'm going to clean up my resume.

Again, this feels like a first boyfriend after the marriage. He had some qualities I liked, but he's not the one for me. I was too broken still to find something that fit well.

Thing is...I want to stay in this area or...maybe move a little further east.

What's really cool though!!

My resume will be supplemented by a newspaper which has copy soley written by ME :-)

I also want something where I don't have to drive as much.

I would suggest you start surfing the web in your spare time, (when you have a few minutes) and see what's out there in other areas. If you would like me to review your resume, I'd be happy to do so. There may be some things that could be enhanced or there may be things that you need to rethink. But, the offer is on the table.

Now is the time to start looking. Spring is a good time for that because this is generally the time when people begin to think about moving around because summer isn't too far away for relocating families and enrolling in new schools.

I want to take my time with this and make sure I choose something that is a good fit.

I want to stop this pattern of Overdo, Overdo, Overdo...I guess that means I have to get comfortable with being comfortable. That's weird.

I will send you my resume. Once I find it.

How does this work with child support. We haven't signed anything yet. If I earn less money, does this mean he will have to pay more? I know the judge could say that I'm capable of earning this amount now...I don't want to slow things down further though.

I checked the Ohio State Association url about your question. It is based on the combined "gross" income of both and then there are other factors into the mix. Here is the link I looked at:

https://www.ohiobar.org/ForPublic/Resources/LawYouCanUse/Pages/LawYouCanUse-45.aspx

Keep in mind, if you earn less money, you won't be able to afford the place you are living in and rents are high these days. You won't be able to afford the payments on your vehicle, etc. You need to find a position that is comparable, if not more, to live on. Don't gamble w/the judicial system and hope that he will have to pay more if you take a lower paying position. He could very well take you back to court and say that you did this deliberately to get more money from him. It's been done before and I know of several cases whereby the child support was changed in favor of the father, i.e., my cousin was one of them and his former wife wasn't too happy about that.

Keep moving forward as you are and don't gamble w/what you are getting. Don't settle for less salary...you are worth every penny and more because of your experience and education. Don't just settle.

Heather,

You are a smart lady and a dedicated mother. I have to say this. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Stop trying to go backwards to either a) make Smoky pay or b)to play the victim. I say this with compassion and kindness. I really do.

Maybe this isn't the dream job. However, sometimes we have to do what we have to do. I wore a horse costume in college at a restaurant on kids night because it paid more than to wait tables on that particular night. I felt ridiculous. And I would do it again if that is what I had to do.

Why would you want to try to get a new position earning less? Make no sense. Again, please don't take this as a 2x4. I'm just riding on the logic train. If you were in a gig where you were making a hundy a year and a new, more fulfilling opp came along and you were offered $70k a year, that I could understand. In your current situation, less doesn't seem like a viable option.

Aim high lady! Move forward-not backwards and don't *count on* Smoky to be the difference maker.

Hang in there!

GB,

This isn't about playing a victim. For me, this is about claiming what's mine in this world. Claiming what's due my kids'...whether that means claiming what is owed them financially or by way of contentment.

I have been the victim because that's what I've known. I'm slowly coming out of my shell and realizing what's due me in this world, just like everyone else. I'm metamorphozing from a victim into a conqueror. No one said it would be easy or smooth.

My life has been about what others have said I am, others have told me what I want...who I should be, etc...

I suspect you have always been the type of person who feels confident in her own skin when it comes to career decisions and being true to yourself. I see that in the way you respond to your marriage ending. I admire your ability to push forward and accept what is...You seem to make decisions and own them, never looking backwards. That's great...for you.

I'm a different type of person. I've approached things based on my experiences, my own sense of self and that has value too.

I'm closer to where I'm supposed to be. I'm closer and I'm celebrating every ounce of that victory. God is pushing me harder to keep reaching for the prize.

What's normal for me is to accept what is--even when it's much less than I deserve or what doesn't fit for me--I've never been comfortable asking for what I need---and without realizing it--I will deplete myself until there's little left and I'm a lump of exhaustion. Why? IDK. I suppose because that's what I've always known.

I settle and sit tight and wait for someone to see my value. That's where you and I are different. You seem to claim your value because it's inherently a part of you to see you deserve more and you demand it. I don't. This is all knew to me.

I'm getting there, but most of the time, I feel like a loser who has already failed before I begin.

I'm not sure where I'm meant to be...Maybe this is it. I, honestly, don't know. I DO know, however, that I've wasted a good deal of my life in waiting...and waiting...and waiting...

All the while, there's been this passion burning inside for a life that feels right for me. It's different than what I see most people striving for...

I'm closer than I've ever been. I'm just not there yet. It's a life where I'm living within my means. I'm writing pieces that bring me joy. I'm enjoying what's around me. I'm enjoying my daughter. Right now, I'm back to a hamster on a wheel. But, I'm still closer...

Does this make sense? I'm not throwing in the towel. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm looking forward in my way.

I'm my own brand of crazy and I will get there.

Started surfing the web a bit.

Digging out my resume.

This job and D12 doesn't leave much time...but, I'm doing it.

Had a cool opportunity yesterday where I was guest judge for an American Legion event, alongside an assembly woman and head of the district legion...I was a celebrity judge...very cool.

Children's authors, local authors keep cropping up where I least expect them :-)

Feeling like I'm in charge of my own life again. That's the key, for me, to feel as if I have choices...All very new. Strange. Weird.

Rents are coming down around here because of the downsizing of Fort Drum. I actually looked for a bit at some cheaper properties...that was a relief. I can do this.

Little steps. Little steps.

This company I'm working for...kinda [censored].

But, I'm good! And, I LOVE NEW YORK ;-)

One more thing...

I finally have a dishwasher after 15 years without.

I finally have a bathroom of my own where there's no mold growing along the edge and I don't have to share it with my daughters.

I still don't get my hair cut regularly because I'm not able to swing that. I have been cutting my own hair for about a decade because I didn't feel like it was expense I could manage or like I deserved it.

I finally have a car with less than 200,000 miles on it!

Oh! But a deer ran into us the other day and smashed up the left side. Have to handle that.

I'm beginning to see that things other people take for granted haven't come so easily for me...I've pretended for a lot of years. I'm a good pretender.

There are certain things I'm not good at and will never be.

Maybe that's why these boards have worked for me. I'm able to be honest.

Sometimes, actually a lot of time, I have wondered if something is wrong and that's why I struggle so much with budgeting and managing details and what not.

I'm not good at this job because there are details that I simply miss. No matter how hard I try, I miss the details and the job doesn't include a support staff to pick up on those.

I think I may have Asperger's or something...it really doesn't matter at this point...but, maybe, just maybe, I'm finally accepting me for me--warts and all---and I've stopped fighting it.

I think this is why I have been so protective of Louisa. I get it. Doesn't mean that she and I have an excuse to hide from the world. Much the opposite, we owe it to the world to show how we can survive, happily, with what God's given us. But, it means simplifying and forcing myself to celebrate my gifts as opposed to focusing so heavily on my defects. I have some gifts others don't, but they are a bit unconventional.

Oh my God...I think I'm finally becoming FREE.

Heather,

I apologize if I came across as a "know it all" as that was not my intention. I have certainly put my foot in my mouth a few times as of late. But hey, at least I have a nice pedi:-)

Actually, I am a chronic underachiever career wise. I can relate to that feeling of wondering what my "worth" is. So please realize that much of what you posted resonates with me and probably many others. I was just suggesting that you not, even if it is subconsciously, rely on Smoky to take care of you. I certainly respect and agree you should get what is rightfully yours. However, the reality is that no matter what you get in the settlement, it won't compensate for the fact that you are 100% for your D12. Unless of course her dad has a dramatic turnaround.

Heather, I don't have it all figured out-not by a long shot. I've just had to take care of myself from a very early age. And I know that while I'm grateful for the various experiences, it has shaped who I am. And it's not all good. I let many, many opportunities pass me by because I was afraid of being rejected and afraid that I would look ridiculous. Basically mental sabotage-so I stayed where I was for too long and had a difficult time moving ahead. I was just suggesting that you not wait for someone to see what you are worth and to know that you are capable of taking care of yourself and D.

Hope you had a nice weekend. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!

No worries GB--it's all good :-)

Would highly recommend googling the dance between codependents and narcissists by Rosenberg. Just blew me away.

Need to watch the cynicism.

When I got to New York, I was all about believing in miracles and trusting God. After the last 6 months, I see myself allowing my frustration and whatever color my optimism.

D12 has been hugely optimistic lately, as spring comes to Tug Hill.

She found a house in our little town...an old victorian. She did some digging with her tutor and even called the realtor! Apparently, the house was abandoned and the pipes burst. My kid is obsessed...as a spectrum kid often gets...She loves this house.

Anyway, I catch myself ruining her fun. She keeps saying, "Mom, I'm just dreaming, relax."

I need to allow her to dream. I need to dream. That's how I got this far. I allowed myself to imagine the possibilities.

I gotta stop ruining it for her. I need to believe again. I think I'm just so tired. I can't imagine having time for the good stuff.

But!! I reached out a book publisher. Small press in upstate NY.

She got back to me. IT was a total fluke. She said she is looking for books right now...young adult books on being a special needs kid...sorta Judy Blum-ish. HMMMM...Can I allow myself to dream this big? Can I believe I deserve something this good? That's where it's at.

The house, the idea of writing books, having a life where I'm actually a conqueror, not a victim. Gotta get used to it. Gotta take action toward it.

I may go back to visualizing the life I want daily.

Dreams are important, while you may not write them down and plan for every single minute step along the way like my h used to want me to do.

A five year second by second plan, I resisted as I knew he would hold me 100% accountable if I missed a step and it would give him more ammunition to fire at me.

I had a list of 150 things I wanted to do. I wrote them then never really looked at the, again. It's suprising how many things and places, I went and did. All without refearing back to the list.

There are a few h knew I had told him and yet he refused in many ways to allow them to come true. He constantly waved those as carrots next time, next year.

Just look at things in the light of what if? Then later y might decide what if doesn't work, so then let it go.

Having a low moment.

Received another directive this week addressed to the crowd of editors over me instructing me on deadlines and so forth...without a single mention on the number of stories I've written or other improvements...although I consistently receive positive feedback in the community. IDK.

Feeling a bit lost. Where do I fit?

Then, there was a Facebook post where someone misconstrued something in the paper and I clarified. Received an IM from my superior to handle such disputes in private chat...although I was appropriate and set the record straight. Feel as if my every move is watched. Is it me? Maybe I attract this dischord.

Found a company where I want to try my resume. Continue to "run into" children's book authors.

Havn a hard time believing today that I'm headed in the right direction. Momentary lapse of faith.

Six months and still haven't been officially hired by this company. Realized this week they have gone forward with the other publication without any explanation or clarification for me in regards to the fact they hired me to edit. The company seems to thrive in back room decisions. Thought about how I don't see any other female editors of newspapers in the mix. I may be the only one with the exception of a Sunday editor.

Momentary is a good way to put it. What it sounds like? It sounds like they don't know how to handle employees for high performance teams. That's not uncommon, Heather. A good way to look at it may be, "Every two weeks, my boss and company are even - I work, they pay me for services."

A "fit" may be elusive there. Sometimes we get lucky and find a good "fit" and others, we just find a "job". Nothing wrong with either, but the latter just indicates we may need to be ready to look around, albeit more judiciously than when we had no j-o-b.

Keep perspective, Heather. It's a good thing to have a job and puts you in a much better place to be looking. You, as a professional, should be looking and networking all the time. As much as breathing, it's a lifeline to being successful.

To me, that's the real work. I work at a job all the time, but the real work is advancing my career.

As for the stress? It means you're taking it too personally. Something to consider is to reframe how you approach it. For instance, "I don't have problems or challenges. My company has problems and challenges and I'm here to help solve them." That's almost a clinical approach to the job and how doctors have to deal with their reality in many situations so they don't get overwhelmed by emotion and pain.

Network your a** off, Heather. Learn to reframe the perspective of the work you're doing and to gain an understanding of how it fits into your life. That'll help to see if it's a "fit" or not for you personally. If it's not, you may have to find something else.

Whatever you do, don't let your occupation become your source of self-worth or worse, your identity. That's the ruin of many a poor soul.

What kinds of ideas for children's books do you have mind?

AJ

I'm glad to see that the community consistently gives you positive feedback, however, the people that need to be doing so are your employers. Your employers apparently still have some concerns about your performance, i.e., deadlines, etc. Are you missing deadlines? It's not the number of stories that you produce, but how well written they are, do they address the areas where your employers want you to write about, has your error rate gone down, are you missing timelines, etc. This is what is important right now...your employers.

Your employers are observing you and your performance until they are absolutely certain you are going to be a good "fit" for their organization. Hence the probation has been extended from a few months to now 6 months. I think it's time to address this because if they continue to have you on probation, then it makes it easier for them to fire you or anyone else that is the same boat. Have they given any indication that they are looking for someone to come in and do some of the work? It could be that they are keeping you on probation until they find someone who can be they "all" in all areas and then they'll give you the pink slip. You don't know what they are thinking...but it's time to find out about this probation situation. It smells to me.

Much of what you've been dealing w/happens in the real world and I think it's been an adjustment for you because you've been use to being your own boss. Yes, I do think that in some of the instances, they've gone about things in a very strange way, but I also think that maybe you are being sensitive to their criticisms and I do understand why because of what you've been through. Take the criticisms and turn them into positives. Listen to what they are saying and please try not to take them personally because it's not a personal issue, but a "business" performance issue.

Your superiors know you can do the work, but they are having a difficult time finding the right key to unlock your potential. You've got to help them understand YOU and how YOU see the world and hopefully both parties can find a common denominator on how to tap into your potential. There is always room for improvement for all concerned.

I agree with ajm sentiment here. Sometimes you have a career and a long term fit and sometimes you have just a job. Right now you have just a job.

A square peg will never fit in a round hole.

Just keep doing your best. Keep trying to meet and exceed their expectations but use this job as stepping stone for yourself. It already is becoming that for you and leading you to bump into all these children book authors. Try to set aside 2-3 hours a week to work on your next steps.

Go slow and enjoy the ride.

This is the journey. This is the good stuff.

Btw - my boss recently told me I needed to soul search my slopping paperwork. Kind of hysterical in retrospect but at the moment it was nasty and mean. I just nodded and agreed with her and kept on doing my thang. I stand behind my work and I'm not going to let someones intimidatation of me drag me down. It's more a reflection of them then it is of me. If you think your reply to the costumer was consistent with who you are as a human being - I would nod and agree with the bosses but I wouldn't take their critisism to heart there are many ways to handle every situation and the only reason there way is the right way is cause they are the boss. Just do it their way from now on. - or atleast until you use this stepping stone to get another job

Have to agree with AJM as well. As someone who has returned to work full time after 20 years I try to stay focused on the job and not take anything personally. They hired me to do a job. It's a paycheck and after I pay my dues for a year or two then I can collect some favors I've built up by being exactly who they need me to be. Sounds harsh but that's the way it works.

You can do all sorts of great things but if you don't please the boss it just doesn't matter. it is all about perception. As for the emails and IM's I think you have to get used to it. That is how the business world operates. Personal interaction is diluted.

Hang in there! You can do this but it will take focus. You can do this.

Hi Guys!

Thanks for all the feedback and support.

Just checking in...I received a company email this morning that all cell phone reimbursement was stopping because the company cannot afford to continue paying. That's kinda a bit deal when you have a company full of reporters and sales reps.

Anyway, I thought it was revealing in terms of my struggles with the company since I started. I think some of the pressure I've been getting has to do with a trickle down of financial pressure. Of course, when I first read the email...get this...true wife of an alcoholic...I immediately assumed it was all my fault. WTF? Went right to it. It's all because Heather wasn't this or that and whatever.

Remember when I said they were hiring people like crazy? Well, the hiring seems to have stopped, but something doesn't jive here.

Job, I will be sending you my resume today. I'm working from home.

My vehicle has 12,700 miles on it from all this driving. My lease was only for 12,000 and the year doesn't end until September 26. How do I fix that?

I have some news about Matt. I will post later. He is definitely still living on another smokey planet. He is very much back to blaming me. Had some validation.

Just one thing, before I lose the thought:

Continue to have "awakenings" of my own where I see the man he is behind the veil of abuse, addiction, lies, masks he wears...He's very weak and small and standing on a thin sliver of ice.

Heather,

Originally Posted By: LoisB

Continue to have "awakenings" of my own where I see the man he is behind the veil of abuse, addiction, lies, masks he wears...He's very weak and small and standing on a thin sliver of ice.

Let him fall through it. shrug

Yep, Wonks. I'm thinking that's a foregone conclusion. If I listen hard enough, I can hear the splash now.

Told me he loved me yesterday and will always love me but...he just couldn't blah, blah, blah...anymore. Same ol' shid, different MLC day. Fill in the blank with your own MLC B.S...wasn't skinny enough, house was too messy, didn't earn enough, earned too much, etc...

He was texting me while the Forester (he's been back around for a week or so) was being randy with his own texts. Something about that was deeply gratifying.

Marriage: don't give up before you grow up.

Anyway. I took the afternoon off yesterday thinking I would get all this stuff done and dig up my resume and yadda, yadda...I fell into a lump and took some much-needed me time. MUCH NEEDED.

Then, woke up this morning, as only Heather can, feeling guilty and overwhelmed with all I still have to do. Have an event to get to for the paper.

HOWEVER, I started a list of everything. I've been putting so much energy into the paper that I've neglected the other stuff.

I've received 3 support payments. Catching up on some things here and there. Still feel terribly behind. My attorney is holding my W2 hostage and refuses to do anything with the proposal from Matt's atty--at least that's my suspicion-he won't tell me--until I pay him something.

Looking for a way out of this quagmire and it all seems very convoluted and foggy. Although, I can see I'm in better shape than I've been, maybe ever. Had an event at the local PBS station this week. Realized as I sat there. Hey! I could give them my resume and I would be a strong candidate. God certainly works in mysterious ways. :-)

Can't see the path out right now. And, maybe?, a bit worried to take the wrong path? What now sorta feeling.

I'm going to do some hard praying today and tomorrow. Turn it over.

IT JUST HIT ME...

I have choices. I have so many choices! I don't know which route to take because I can see, finally, how I have choices and I'm capable and I can do this and I'm valuable.

If I wanted to move to London...GUESS WHAT!? I could! I could do it.

I contacted Matt this week about the taxes. Have had to ask several times now--D20 needs the FAFSA info.

He gave his typical 15-year-old answer to some very grown up tax and divorce questions..."Gotta ask my dad." Seriously. That's the answer I got. "My dad has called so-and-so (Matt's atty) and he hasn't responded."

So, I said, why is your dad calling YOUR atty?

Anyway, the upshot. I unleashed a wrath of obscenities on this man the likes of which hasn't been seen east of the Mississippi in a century. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam. You son-of-a..., dumba..., piece of shid, mf-er...

Honestly? If felt wonderful. I told him how stupid I thought he was for dragging this divorce out and costing us both money that deservedly should go to our kids and....

It was cathartic. Then, I remembered. Next day. This IS the father of my children and I took a few backsteps. Told him I felt everything I expressed. Told him, however, that I understood his head was in a different place (planet Pluto) and that if he ever reached a moment of pain/regret (bottom out as we in the real world call it) I would try my best to be his friend and listen.

He reached out with some tax info. Said the second proposal was sent to my atty. What second proposal?? (he calls the scratch he wrote out on a notepad, his first "proposal."

But, he made an effort.

I called him for clarity-HA!. I wasn't shaking with fear, some anger still, but I was good. I was a grown up.

He sounded very tail-between-legs...his go-to when he feels humble. "I thought you never wanted to talk to me?"

When I said that I couldn't understand how he has dragged this out...he responded..."Well, we've been married 23 years nearly..." ? The last 3 he has spent with someone else.

He recited things I have said to him in text messages. Their memory is soooo effin weird.

THEN.

I told him something that I needed to say for ME--the sort crux of the pain for me. This was big for me. Sooo incredibly healing.

Please understand. I understood I was saying this for ME...I needed him to hear my pain. Like a rape victim telling the courtroom how unfair it was...

I told him that I wish I could go back to being that girl who never ever ever believed that he would hurt me and let me down like he did. That he would always love me for me...

That's when I heard the "I do love you and always will but..."

And, I responded with something that I think captured my growth.

I wasn't angry so much. I was...logical. I didn't feel as much emotion or rage at his sickness.

"So, in your version of love, people are expendable and all's fair when they disappoint you? That's wicked sad. I wonder who has YOUR back? God forbid you disappoint someone. YOU disappointed me for years with your lies and drug abuse. I wanted to rip your face off most days. That's called marriage. I didn't do the things you did in reaction. Something is seriously wrong with your logic. I know there was always truth in some of your complaints, but it all seems colored by heavy, heavy b.s. that justifies how you treated the people who love you. Did D12 not earn enough? How about our dog? I think your arguments about my defects worked a few years ago, but not now. Too much of your own shid has risen to the surface.

You left me and the kids because another lifestyle called and seemed easier and more fun. Call a spade a spade. We've accepted it. It hurts, but it's the truth. The kids accept it and still love you. That's what love is.

Period. The end.

Heather,
I'm glad you have finally realized that you do have choices and the power to decide what choices that you want to make for YOU and no one else.

Now, I'm going to ask you something....did you feel better after you had another session of telling Matt about himself and what he's done not only to you but your family? I do understand that you need to get things off your chest, but you've told him this stuff a number of times. Why do you continue to do so? He already knows he's screwed up royally and to continue to point this out is like talking to a brick wall.

I'm going to just say this, would you want someone to continue to point out all of the screw ups you've made in your life? Would you want to hear it every couple of months? Let it go. Yes, he's made a mess of things and yes, the divorce is taking quite a while...but you also played a part in this divorce taking a long time too.

Accept him for who he is and let it go. He's not going to change just because you keep telling him about himself. The only way that he's going to change is if he ever hits bottom and realizes all that he has lost. Until the genie in the bottle, be it booze or drugs, and the people around him stop enabling him, he will not change. The more you point the finger at him, the more determined he will be to stay in that rut and hide from the world. Let's face it, if he wants to live the way he does, that's his business these days.

Focus on the here and now, as the present is only for the day. The past is the past, you've learned from those mistakes and you do not need to carry those mistakes into the present or the future. Take what you've learned and apply it to the here and now. There is nothing you can do to change the past...LET IT GO! You do not want to come off sounding like a bitter woman by constantly telling him about himself and how he's treated you and the family. You are better than that.

As for your attorney, until you pay him, he's not going to do much but sit on things.

The reminder for today...he's not worth it and certainly not worth you fuming over and wasting head space on. You are far better than that and have risen from the ashes. Leave the past in the past...get on w/living your life for YOU.

Checking in...

Job, I've been thinking hard about what you wrote. Taking a few more steps on this journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance and self-love...and, sometimes tough self-love.

I learned this week, for certain, that the other newspaper/magazine was given to someone else. I didn't learn through the company, but in passing while working in the main office newsroom. It stung a bit, but not something that was completely unexpected. Still, difficult to learn the information by simply overhearing a phone call where another person in the newsroom called himself "editor of such-and-such."

The information is many-fold for me...

Relief. I knew when I took the job that acting as editor of two newspapers was unrealistic for me right now. I simply didn't have the skillset...yet and maybe never when I ask myself what works for me...

Validation of what my instincts were telling me. The company never told me formally, but my radar has been going off for months.

Rejection. I need to work hard to keep this decision NOT to impact how I value myself.

Reality. I'm looking at the part I played. In just about everything...not just this job. I'm trying to do this with compassion and love for myself.

I felt very discouraged and low upon learning the information. I took it very personally. Something I need to work on...Business is business.

I had a vision of my life when I moved here. Remember that saying about making plans and how God always yadda, yadda...? Well...

New plan.

I reached out to a counselor. I had one session. It helped. I can't allow this rejection to fester. I NEED to see the positive. I'm learning more about myself. So much more.

Heather,
I'm glad you came back to post an update.

I'm sorry you had to hear through another avenue that the other newspaper/magazine was given to someone else. It's funny how God works. I can just imagine how discouraged and let down you were...but let's face it...you are only human and I don't think you could have handled the additional work because of everything that has been going on.

Try not to take this personally, because it's just business and your superiors do know you are a valuable employee, but they also know you have a lot going on in your life, i.e., single mother, moving here, adapting to the move, adapting to their ideas and workforce structure, etc. It's just plain old business, nothing more. Yes, it's a blow to the ego, but at the end of the day, you may discover that it was a blessing in disguise that it was given to someone else. God doesn't always give us what we want, but what we need and when we need it.

I am very, very happy to read that you've finally reached out to a counselor. I think you'll find many of the answers to the questions that you continue to ask yourself will be revealed if you continue to go to the sessions. Heather, this is a huge step for you and yes, in the right direction.

Thanks Job :-)

Here's my driving motivation right now. I know...I KNOW...the issues I'm dealing with right now are issues my kids, particularly D12, will most likely deal with at some point in adulthood and I want to be able to guide her so she can circumvent some of these obstacles. This is pushing me forward when I want to give up. The emotional issues, the money issues, the job issues, the relationship issues, etc...

I got help for D12, initially, because I saw myself in her and it killed me to see her struggle the way I did as a kid. I guess now, I'm taking the oxygen mask off of her and seeing those things which made me seek help for her in the first place. And, these are things about me, not just her...

This counselor was a bit cheaper than the one we went to a few months back and this was just for me. She specializes in women/children with Asperger's and has published several popular books on the subject (I also thought she would be a good person to connect with)...

Anyway. A combination of her book and her session has made me look at things a bit differently. A different perspective.

-For one. This was a skype session because she is far away. Through the computer, she could see my skin breakouts (new for me since I've moved--traces of gray hair--also new) and the stress in my face. She gave me some basic homework in terms of exercising and eating better. In her words, "Something has to give." I can't continue to spread my energies in so many difficult directions.

-To get a better glimpse of how I operate and how to make life less of a struggle for me--and since I see so much of myself in D12, I could learn alot about myself by reading the diagnosis, prognosis and suggested treatment that the Cleveland Clinic provided with D12's diagnosis...

-One of the main things the psychologists recommended/observed with D12...she gets overwhelmed easily by outside stimuli and has a hard time operating when too many things hit her at once. This is why they felt homeschooling would be a good fit with some outside social opportunities. In a classroom with many kids and distractions, it's nearly impossible for her to process the information she needs to process...She processes info slower and digests info at a different pace. She does better with short bursts of information provided in a relaxed manner. It's more manageable for her. Put her in a room without other kids, relaxed atmosphere for 30 minutes and she is capable of comprehending really difficult, complicated topics...The difference is really remarkable in terms of the concepts she gets and doesn't get, depending on the atmosphere.

However, hammer her with a myriad of subjects, distractions stressors, drains on her stimuli and she shuts down. Just shuts down and becomes paralyzed. She will either blow and have a meltdown or she will become a lump and focus on something minute and distracting which provides her immediate relief from the sensory overload she is experiencing. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Hmmm...a daily glimpse into Heather's life.

And, there's more! If this sensory overload continues long enough, D12 will begin to rebel anytime she is asked to do something. She feels resentful and trapped because her life becomes an endless struggle without any window of relief. It's like shoveling shid against the tied for 12 hours a day. She will find relief wherever she can find it...lose herself on the web, TV show, zone out...online forum...:-)

The key is to create a balanced life for D12 where her responsibilities are simplified...In other words...when she is an adult, she will need things a bit simpler than the average bear. She may need to keep her bills to a minimum...something not so easy these day, but still possible. She may need to opt out of extras like grand internet/cable packages and cell phone packages in order to keep things streamlined and manageable. She may need to factor in the expense of a bookeeper who can help her with the money. While she is great at analyzing, theorizing, communicating/understanding really over-the-top, heady theories...she may never balance her checkbook without help. Money is more of a magical idea in her brain. To compensate for this, she may need support in order to manage monthly finances.

Less complications in her life will equal more joy. But, this will take planning and some discipline to offset danger ahead. Marrying a drug addict, probably not a good idea for anyone...especially so with someone who thrives on simplicity and positive strokes from others.

AND...the bottom line isn't about a label...It doesn't matter if she has Asperger's or Diabetes...the bottom line is that she operates in a certain way which doesn't mesh well in today's society and she will have to be a bit unconventional in her choices to make things work well for her...I.E. to get the bills paid and get food on her table, etc...

In fact, this author/counselor believes the Autism is so rampant right now because the world just doesn't jive with people who are more introverted and even savants in odd areas.

For a woman with these types of cerebral leanings...it's a bit of a challenge because we are, today, expected to juggle so many things at once...

Also, everyone's brain has areas where they excel and areas where they struggle...for D12, this somewhat unusual brain may mean she has talent/skills in unusual areas...so, while she struggle and appear lazy/obtuse/flaky in certain areas like math/day-to-day life routines...she probably has a savant skill in some other area...What's maddening about this is the fact that others will look at this intelligent, together-looking person who is obviously bright...and they will feel frustrated when they realize she isn't able to consistently maintain certain a high level of performance, especially when stressed...I.E. my job.

This counselor said that she has seen what happened her in N.Y. with me--with other women who have Autistic traits. They blow a company away in an interview (not with any malicious intent)...but, they are able to achieve a high-level of performance/skill in the short-term--they just can't maintain it. The company, then, thinks, they were bamboozled into hiring someone on false pretenses. When, in fact, the person was only able to maintain this high-level of achievement in the short term and not really suited maintenance without built-in time-out periods to regroup. The times I sorta go off the radar are really an effort on my part to recharge--although this company sees it as me being a lazy slob.

I can see, it's hard, but I can see how Matt and this company may have gotten the wrong impression and how this all unfolded. With Matt..what hurts is the idea that he knows, deep down, that I was paralyzed and never intended to make things harder for anyone. I can see that how I do things may be frustrating for others--although I don't ever intend to make it so.

Also, I'm weaning from the Prozac. I'm seeing how the medication numbed a lot of feelings and I think that may be a part of the mad/crazy anger at Matt. It's subsiding. Not entirely. But better.

I met with my superior this week--just the bottom level superior. I told him that I needed...NEEDED...to know where I stand with this company. How am I doing. We went through the list of expectations that were given to me at that dreadful meeting. I felt, as we went through, some relief and I could see the progress and hard work that's gone into each point. When I asked him to give me a grade so I could get an idea of where I stood, he said a B-C...leaning toward the B.

That's Ok and I will take it...Still, the effort that went into that B-C was nightmarish. There's the stickler for me. I damn near killed myself and lived in misery to obtain a B-C.

There's a place for me to earn a living in this world. I'm getting there, but I'm 46 and I'm feeling tired of working so hard to reach a goal..either Matt's, my parents, my bosses...a goal that's ultimately not a good fit for me.

And, I do, this morning anyway, believe God is going to provide a swift remedy for this situation now that I've taken a good hard look at it.

Still so tired and have to write another newspaper. A newspaper that, according to my superior, SHOULD be easy and take no time. IdK.

Forgot to mention I have a meeting with the children's book/magazine author on Wednesday.

Everyone has their own particular brand of crazy. I've been fighting mine for a long, long, long, long, LONG time...pretending to be someone other than I am. Often, not even knowing who I am. The burden has been exhausting and I'm a bit weary and sorta sad at all the lost time.

HOWEVER, the time to be authentic...the time to be who I really am has arrived without guilt and shame.

God closed one door. Maybe he shut it so that no more of my past will seep into my future? He also closed a door, sealed it, and it means that I HAVE to move forward. This company's choice means I HAVE to explore other ways to earn. Weird huh?

If I had been given the other paper, I would've thrown myself into being the editor of TWO papers. I wouldn't have time or maybe motivation to pursue the things I love and feel truly passionate about. Interesting.

So far, too much of what's behind me has crept into my new path. My past came too close. I think I received a blessing with the choice of this company...this company has some issues that are eerily similar to where I came from...I can see both sides now.

It's vital for me to surround myself with people who are safe. I see God's hand in preventing my self-will from ruining HIS will. My efforts to please for this job have been an enormous strain and I'm still not reaching their mark.

Lately, the Forester has provided some really safe encouragement. He has been showing me, from a safe distance, how a man can be loving and kind and encouraging without getting too close...

I will start from where I am.

Enjoying the sunshine today. Thanks for listening.

I keep having these fabulously clear thoughts!

I'm walking in the untrodden snow ahead of D12 so she can walk in my boot prints.

And, I continually place myself in situations where I feel trapped/victimized and held hostage from leading the life I want. In this case, there's the strong possibility I could lead the life I want and quickly move away from something toxic to me...But I HAVE TO TAKE ACTION or I will remain stuck like I was in my marriage and the limbo after Matt left. I have the power to bust out of the chains if I choose to. Or, stay stuck for another 20 years.

Number 24 went to press last night. I can't remember how many papers I put out before we had to start over with the new name and volume, etc...?? But, I know I've put out a solid 25 editions. Not all perfect...far from it. But, yesterday, I received atta boys from the editor who hired me and the big shid sales head who said he is really pleased with the progress and the ads are increasing. They don't appear to be, but I will take him at his word. Of course, I immediately imagined I was getting pity praise after losing the other paper. Whatever.

Two things...Two really important things sprang to mind this week and I cannot...CANNOT...forget them...in terms of how I work best. I'm journaling here to help remember.

This editor who has been put above me since the meeting with the publisher two weeks ago...well, his brain works a bit different from mine. He is a stellar multi-tasker.

So, on Mondays and Tuesdays...especially in the morning...he will attack (that's how it feels-although I know it's not how it feels to him) with one thing after another...And, there are a million different ways to reach me..IM messages, Text messages, Email...Sometimes he will use all three. And, it will one thing to handle, followed by another. Now, I get there are a million things to handle when putting out a paper.

Still, I sorta settle into it. Not sure how to convey this? I see this huge myriad of stuff to handle and I break it down in my mind. Honestly, it's easier for me when there's pressure building because my brain thinks a bit sharper. I think that's one of the reasons behind my procrastination. I sift and compartmentalize better when there's this adrenalin rush and pressure. I get down to brass tacks instead of sorting through the multitude of options painstakingly.

Anyway, I will be settled on my path of production...focused on accomplishing one thing, getting it done, moving to the next and this editor hits me with a multitude of shid all at once. So, this week, I made sure to hold off on reading his demands until 10 a.m. It made a huge difference for me. I got settled. Began working on my first thing...etc...

I've noticed that when I get a bunch of pressure and a rush of demands from all directions all at once...especially in the morning...it sets me off in a whirl of fruitless activity...sometimes for the rest of the day.

I have to keep it simple...as best I can.

Also, and I'm not sure how to work on this one. This morning I had a bit of a realization with this overwhelm bit. It's really hard for me to change hats. For instance, this morning, I woke up, had my coffee and had all this clarity and clear sense of what I needed to accomplish today with the paper. I was eager to get started.

Still, I'm expected to sit in the office, act as a receptionist, handle sales calls/subscriptions---which, honestly aren't all that many...but...for me...the 40 minute drive and transition to the office is enough for me to lose my clarity and sense of motivation to get stuff done. I will get to the office and see a million other things, I will get distractions and I will begin to feel it building and the clutter in my mind invades with each option of "thing" that needs handled.

I get that this is part of the job...but, I also see that I have a lot of stuff to produce and I work best when I'm able to limit the transitions. For instance, heading to work without make up and five minutes or so of prep time helps me stay in the frame of mind I need.

It's like my brain gets set on this certain mode and if I rock it, jar it, move my head to fast in one direction or get stressed...BAM! I lose my focus.

One other thing to share...I would like feedback on this one.

The editor in charge of me...until Heather is able to stand on her own two feet...He keeps bringing up how my paper is so small that I should be able to get it done by noon on Tuesday. I've worked really hard to reach this goal. Exhausted myself and can't seem to get there, not yet.

Still, even after all this effort, he has, sometimes, been belittling about the fact that I don't get it done earlier.

This guy is really, self-admittedly, OCD. And, he's a star in the company. I think the company really likes that type...anyway...I have 6 pages (when you minus classfieds, etc...) to produce each week.

His staff is helping by handling some of the generic stuff...mainly the calendar copy and helping to write some briefs.

I've been writing the front page (3 stories), handling the art for each story and getting wild art, writing my column, doing a weekly public forum, getting the copy for the recipes, lunches, sports sched., writing 1-2 other features and dealing with the public/meetings, creating the layout and managing production...

I don't know...He will say, "I don't say this to make you feel small...but..." His staff will put together 25 pages by 5 p.m. on Tuesday. He has four-five reporters, a receptionist, a paginator and two sales reps who all help.

It does make me feel small. I SHOULD have this done sooner, according to him.

IDK. I guess I'm looking for something of a reality check. I'm so new to this way of creating a paper...what I had, when I had my own paper, was more of a newsletter.

This company has me a bit afraid to ask someone's opinion for fear I will get slammed...

Thanks for listening.

Quote:

The editor in charge of me...until Heather is able to stand on her own two feet...He keeps bringing up how my paper is so small that I should be able to get it done by noon on Tuesday. I've worked really hard to reach this goal. Exhausted myself and can't seem to get there, not yet.

Quote:

I sift and compartmentalize better when there's this adrenalin rush and pressure. I get down to brass tacks instead of sorting through the multitude of options painstakingly.

Ummm....I think you answered your own question here. You procrastinate because you work better when you're "under the gun", which means you're always last-minute on the deadline.

Objectively, if you just managed to get one story (then eventually one day) ahead of the process, you could always be on time. But you're letting things build up until the end because you feel more productive when that adrenaline kicks in. My ex was like this too.

Ways around it?
- try giving yourself a DIFFERENT deadline - the day before - and see if you can pressure yourself to make it.

- dictate writing on your commute

- try phosphatidylserine 100 mg twice a day for ADD (Not a stimulant, available over the counter in health food store)

- make a daily schedule of things to get done to give yourself "mini-deadlines" through the week.

- you've already addressed the issue of carving out more time on task without multi-tasking.

I often told my kids when they were in school, how much easier their lives would be if they simply got ONE day ahead on their studying. The same holds true for you - if you got ONE day ahead on the writing, you'd never have this stress again! The problem is, you WANT that stress on some level. So see if you can't trick yourself into a personal deadline one day sooner.

Thing is...I actually make waaaayyyy more mistakes when I do it that way. I don't know why.

I have two speeds. Lightening fast or painfully slow.

AJ, please don't take this wrong way. I love your insight. And, I'd love more on this topic.

I need to dig deep on this one. I'm so angry. I'm sooo angry and I don't know what to do with it.

Your post made me angry. And, I don't know why? I want to know why...

I feel angry because I feel like one more person is telling me to turn the other cheek when this situation Smokey created is just vile and unacceptable. And, no, I'm sure I helped create some of it, but, right now, please don't point it out. I'm angry that I moved away, I've been more than willing to sign on the dotted line no matter how much I didn't/don't want to be divorced. I've been ready to do so for over a year and I'm angry that I'm being punished financially...both the kids have been punished financially for what?

It pi$$es me off. I want him to die a long miserable death.

And, honestly, that's how I feel today.

I would love, love, love for someone to say...and, truly, I think it help me move past it if I had someone say..You've been treated like shid and I get why you are angry.

Quote:

That's just it, Heather. Is it forgiveness if you remember or "not condone" it? Or is that acceptance?

To me, you're not forgiving the debt. You're healing from the event, but not wiping the slate clean. By definition, that's not really forgiveness as much as acceptance and healing.

Again, semantics to a degree. But one I've struggled with to be sure. And to me, I feel the difference is important. Healing? Sure. Forgiveness, which leads to the really deep down healing? Not so sure. i.e. there's a scar that taints many aspects of life if you don't get to that place, truly.

Personally, I'm getting to a place where I may not trust somebody who hasn't been through tough times of some sort. i.e. been seasoned. I like them anyway, but that deep connection I really want? I don't think it's possible because they don't have that perspective or a tested sense of their values.

The question that comes up is if Cali (and she and S) can "wipe the slate clean." It can be done. I've seen it in my own family tree with my grandparents. But not an easy road. For that matter, neither is the other direction, right?

So I do think it's an appropriate conversation even if we did hijack his thread to an extent. (Thanks for the graciousness, Cali.)

Anger has its place to be sure. For a time. For a reason. After that, it just becomes bitterness and is no good for anyone. Forgiveness has its place as well. But I don't see it having a place until its asked for. Acceptance is a great place - the sky is blue and the world is a little brighter. I just think that acceptance, while the 5th and supposedly last stage of grief/injury, is really just the second to last stop where possible. The last one takes both parties in most cases.

The confusion sometimes comes up when we talk about dead people that injured us. Psych's will talk about forgiving that parent or family member or person that died years ago and we are still carrying the anger etc.

I think forgiveness is most often the wrong term to use there. Nobody wipes the slate clean from what I've seen. They simply accept that person for what they are, but would still "like" some compensation or evening of the books for the injury or tell themselves how much better they are now because of it and their taking the high road. It's out of their hands. Etc.

It raises a terrible faith quandary if we are asked to forgive and do not. But if we're not asked? That's where I see differences between forgiveness and acceptance.

I agree with you on the anger and admire your approach of one thing at a time. Seems you're digging deeper and deeper. Glad to hear that, Heather. I think it'll be much more valuable as time goes on.

I do also realize that anger exists in that place between expectation and actuality. It seems acceptance is a good release for that anger in that sense

I don't care as much about the affair anymore. I know she is a skank and no comparison to me.

But, I AM really, really angry at how the girls and I were treated in the past six months. I'm angry at how I was offered this great opportunity and he felt it necessary to take a pi$$ on it...

He didn't want to be father...f-ckn fine. I took over.
He didn't want to the father of a kid with special needs...f-ckn fine. I took over.
He didn't want to be the father of a difficult teen...f-ckn fine. I took over.
He didn't want to be married to me...f-ckn fine. I left. I moved two states away. I set up a dissolution proposal. I offered him the chance out. I cleaned up a good 75% of the mess at the house. I moved the kids. I took the responsibility of the pets--one he brought home---I took on the responsiblities he left behind.

All I asked for was a fresh start and he had to take a big ol' shid on that too.

That pi$$es me off. AND...he still gets everything HE wants in terms of a single, partying life where he gets to go home to someone and I have to deal 24/7 with all the he left me to handle.

I hate him for that.

$20,000 divorce. That's what this divorce will cost in total when all is done. I will pay approximately $10k and he will pay $10k.

I begged...BEGGED him to look at the proposal last summer. I BEGGED his parents to help him see the light and do what's right by our kids. I told him..this will only come back around and you will pay the same amount, within a few hundred each month, if you insist on dragging this out.

I am and have been screaming the truth at him for fu-ck-n 30 years and he still doesn't listen and insists on making it all so hard for everyone...ESPECIALLY ME.

I hate him for that.

And, once again, something good happens for Heather and Matt has to shid over it. For why? Just for the sake of doing it.

I'm so angry. I'm going for a walk.

Heather,

I am going to flip it for you.

Would you rather that Smokey had the custody of D12?!!

You moved away...by your OWN choice. Why do are you angry about the fresh start?

I am failing to understand how he 'had to take a big ol' shid' on it....HOW? You are give or take just over 1,000 miles apart. How can you give away so much of your own power to him?? No one forced it out of you.

Don't be too sure that he's gotten everything he "wants"...

He's a drug-addled Peter Pan. Who would want that? He's no prize.

Scary to even entertain the notion that he had the full-custody of D12.

Be grateful for the gifts. Turn the focus away from Smokey.

Heather,

I have been keeping up with your posts and admire all you have accomplished. I need for you to hear that and embrace it. You have really rebooted your life and many people here are inspired by it and your ability to share your life through your writing.

Big breather here...lately though I too have felt confused by your posts. I have the same questions as Wonka. That is over and unfair but it is not worth the nervy or headspace. You have to face forward and focus on yourself.

You can exorcise that part of your life if you will only stop trying to get him to pay up or listen to you. That is not going to happen so try to focus on the blessings in your life. Look ahead and look up but please quit looking over your shoulder.

Again sorry to sound harsh but you are being the biggest obstacle in your life right now. I think you realize that and I have been there too. Still am some days but please try to release this man from any part of your present or future.

Wonka,

The only way to peel the onion, is to peel the onion. I'm being honest about the anger. I'm letting it rip...the same way I let it rip with pain and anguish. Underneath it all is the truth. I'm not there yet. Some of it is irrational. As much as putting Matt into a pot of hot tar sounds appealing, I know, if given the chance, I would cringe in horror at the reality.

More peeling...

I expect more from people now. I know my value. I know I deserved more than what I got. I invested a lot...all of me. I invested all of me and I got crap.

And, yes, I CHOSE to move away. But, I also chose to give him the opportunity to honor the choices he made and end things with some degree of decorum at the end that would put me and the girls in a better position to rebuild our lives after.

I deserved that much. I honored him by accepting the cards he dealt me.

I can't turn the focus away from him until I see the feelings through. This last six months is what I'm grappling with now.

I know I'm lucky and blessed in so many ways. Honestly, I do know...but I still feel angry. I don't think I can turn it off like a faucet. It's there...Why?

Walking out the door for some exercise.

I know this is a deeper issue though...because I'm not just angry with Matt...I'm angry with ???

I'm angry at anyone who promised to support me and bailed. Anyone who promised to be there for me and left or chose something more fun and left me holding the hard stuff to handle.

I think that's ultimately the core. I'm tired of doing it alone and not feeling like I can count on others to help.

I understand that some of this is my responsibility to reach out. And, reach out to the right people.

I'm angry that I've been alone for so much of my life and I believed I deserved it. I'm angry that I have felt like someone unworthy of the love, attention and respect of others because I'm not a certain way. I'm angry that I believed in so many people who let me down. I'm angry that the people I believed in the most turned out to be unable to be there for me...even after I invested so much in them.

I feel this lump in my throat for feeling so ashamed for so long for just being me and, now, to find out I'm pretty damn awesome and didn't have it coming like I always thought.

AND! To find out there are good people out there, people who have been out there all along...people who would be happy to help and actually would come through in a storm and I just happen to have been planted in a field of thorns...when next door is a whole field of daisies and I just didn't think I deserved to be over there.

And, I'm angry, most of all...that those thorns refuse to come and join the daisies when it's so painfully obvious that this field is a much better place.

Ok. Now, I'm blubbering like an idiot. Good thing D12 just went to take a bubble bath. :-)

The core of the onion...

I talked to my mother yesterday.

I told her how the paper situation is all falling into place. I'm so proud of the 25+ issues and I'm particularly proud of the last 10 or so. I'm doing a good job.

I'M DOING A GOOD JOB. ;-)

So, I tell my mom this and I notice I become angry with her when she asks about the other stuff...

I mean, I'm ANGRY.

The divorce, the money, the rent, the bills, the car, D12, etc...

She wants me to give her a run down of it all and she wants to hear that I'm handling this impossible load perfectly and WHY??? because it lets her off the hook.

I know that she isn't seeing my brother who just had a new baby--because he is sick of her making promises that she won't keep...we all know she is probably back--to some degree with the man who abused us all wickedly--we all know that she sits in front of the computer in her apartment or lends all her energy to her A.A. meetings and whatever--all the while my niece in Texas is suicidal and I'm trying to keep my head above water...

She is one more person who chooses to stay in the field of thorns. I know it's her choice to remain where she is and live her life the way she wants...

I also know that my brother and sister feel similar frustrations and anger about my mother's inability to be present in OUR lives. My brother has sorta chosen to write her off now.

I'm getting to the core. It's not just Matt...this is a transition from the old way of life and the old way of people to the new. Transitions are uncomfortable. I'm getting there.

Lesson 1: I should not to try to type on my phone.
Lesson 2: I should just let Heather write.
Lesson 3: I should worry about my own onions
Lesson 4: I should be telling Heather she is doing a wonderful job!

Just trying to focus on the important things and people on my world.

Thanks Gwen!

Two months ago, I learned that I may not get the job that I had traveled to NY for and I learned I owed a daunting $6,000 to my attorney and I've been dealing with a lot of stress.

I know that when I deal with stressers like D12 and bills and whatever, I get angry with Matt because I know he's not dealing with these stressers and I feel angry.

As I re-read all this...I see stress. A lot of stress built up over a period of six months or so.

It's easing up a bit and, now, I'm dealing with some of the feelings that came up during...I couldn't afford to stop and deal as it was happening. I had to keep on trucking. I'm sorting, dealing, adjusting, digesting it all now and some of it really pi$$es me off...with good reason.

MATT is a rat bastard. RAT Louis Berry. That should be his name.

Ok. Now, see? That felt kinda good. I know I won't always feel that way...deep inside I know he's a sick ol' dog and all that...but, for today. I COME FIRST and he is a Rat Bastard.

And, my mom is sorta narcissistic cuckoo bird who rarely puts herself out for any of us.

I come first today.

Thanks for listening. That really helped.

One last thing...

There is a six-year-old child in me who isn't scared and shaking in a fetal position in a corner anymore. She is precious, adorable, a little rough-looking from all she has been through---but, she is out there and she is telling the world what she thinks--whether they think she is goofy or not.

And, right now, she is standing with her arms on her hips in a defiant bossy way saying, "Hey! Yeah! YOU...All YOU shidheads! YOU SUCK!"

And, guess what? They do! They DO suck and she was never able to say that before because that wasn't allowed. I'm gonna say it again, "YOU ALL SUCK BIG TURDS!"

I'm gonna go play with the kids who don't suck big turds and are nice with their toys and share. And, WE are gonna have so MUCH FUN! :-)

I can't tell you how great that felt. Sometimes you just gotta call a turd a turd.

Heather,

I think I've been able to narrow down some of the core issues here.

Originally Posted By: LoisB

And, yes, I CHOSE to move away. But, I also chose to give him the opportunity to honor the choices he made and end things with some degree of decorum at the end that would put me and the girls in a better position to rebuild our lives after.

Originally Posted By: LoisB

Smokey and your Mother have issues. You're angry because you're STILL expecting them to be someone else that they're not.

They're not going to have a sudden personality transplant and become warm, fuzzy, and cuddly people. When you start to accept that they are who they are, then the internal tension inside of you will dissipate. You're angry because you're expecting them to BEHAVE a certain way and when they continue to show their selves, you flip out.

It is on you. Not them. Stop turning to them for "the fuzzies" because you won't.

Deal with it and accept it. Your life will be much MUCH easier that way.

You think I don't know what I am talking about? Think again.

I have a stepmother who is very, very unreasonable and tends to lash out. I stopped a while ago expecting her to be the stable, reasonable, and solid person. I don't fight against her railings or whatnot. Thank God my birth mother is all of that and much more.

Instead, I have other people in my support system who can meet certain needs of mine. That's why we have friends and certain family members who can be supportive.

Heather, you do need to have a good support system in your area. Without that, you tend to spiral when the stress gets to be too much for you.

The other day, I called my oldest college friend and we had a good long talk that went past midnight. I felt rejuvenated by our interaction and I felt miles better.

I see that. I see that I need to invite more people in. That's next. Get the bills in order and gather some support.

I've been thinking about where to plant ourselves--this rental is too expensive--I've made some friends in the small town I cover for work--but, I don't particularly like the town itself. There's lots of poverty and some crime and I'd prefer to live somewhere with the view of the Adirondacks...still, we'd be surrounded by more friends and support if I settled in the town with my office. ?? Some decisions to make...Can't say I'd miss the long drive and mileage on my car. Been thinking.

Honestly, in recent months, I've put the job first and foremost...with D12 vying for the top spot and I haven't had a whole lot left for outside stuff.

OH MAN!! I just figured something out.

So, when the pressure builds, for me, I blow. I just blow. It could be what appears to be a nothing stressor to everyone else and, for me, it will be enough to make me want to scratch someone's eyes out. Just how I operate. Let it out. Move one. In this case, I've got a shidload of stressors that built up over a period of months and now it's safe enough for them to come up and out.

Regardless of whether my mom or Matt deserve my attention or whatever...they DO stress me out. It's getting easier because of the distance and now the support money is coming in...

But, I didn't really have an honest opportunity to deal with it all while it was happening with Matt these last six months. And, he has been a royal Rat Bastard.

I'm dealing with some retro-stress and I'm pi$$ed off. I will burn through it. I took a walk today, awesome walk.

Anyway, I'm finding where I fit and how I fit and this is has been such a miracle for me.

I'm really not wallowing guys.

Think of me more like a 6-year-old girl who desperately needs an outlet to unload some of these frustrations. Let it out. Move on. In between writing stories.

I know, from your viewpoint, it looks like I'm holding onto it...but, honestly, this is how I move through it. That's why I was angry with AJ's post. It struck a nerve because I felt like a little kid being told she shouldn't feel angry when every fiber of my being is telling me to feel it and let it out so I can let it go.

I call a butthead a butthead, deal with it, move on, accept...yadda...But, if I miss the part where I call a butthead a butthead...I get all stopped up and depressed. I beat myself up. I come first.

Matt's feelings don't matter anymore. They just don't. He lost that privilage.

This has just been a difficult transition. I'm not sure it coulda been any other way. Just because you start healing and find yourself, doesn't mean life won't throw you some curve balls. We've had curveballs galore in recent months. It's settling down now and I'm feeling it before letting it go.

Gotta feel it. Let it go.

Part of my feeling it is having a grand ol' temper tantrum about the buttheads of the world. Nope, they won't change. As-hats. But, I will still call em' as-hats until I don't feel like it anymore...I've earned that right.

Ya know why? Because I deserve to blow it out of my blowhole until it's better. Matt has now lost any of my respect in terms of being worthy of my holding it back. My needs come first. If I need to tell him he's a dic-...Well, that's what's gonna happen. No apologies.

And, sadly for him, once I push through it...he becomes increasingly smaller and smaller and less interesting to me. I only think of him now when I'm driving home from work or the weekends or when I dream of him. Otherwise, he's a non-person.

I guess the lesson here is...Trust YOUR process, no matter how wonky it may appear. Trust it. Your feelings will guide you and they are never wrong.

Thank you AJ. Your post really triggered a whole lot of healing for me today. :-)

Hi there

Your posts reach out to me in some ways I can really relate. My dad bailed when I was a baby, I never knew him. My mom has too many issues to post. She loves me, but has really never been someone I could truly count on, especially emotionally. She actually gets mad at me during my really low times, because SHE can not handle it. I have had friends let me down over and over, especially the girl I thought was a BFF who had an all night text session with my H, and now my H. I live my life truly believing I can not count on anyone but myself.

However, I live a really happy life. I am happier than I have been in years. What works for me is emotional revenge. To know I am happier than all of these people who have let me down. To know that I can hold up my head proud of what I have accomplished, no matter what punches they throw. To be proud of who I am and who I am becoming with my self work. To know I live my life with kindness and love, true frienship, and not betrayal and cowardly behavior. Can they say or feel the same? I don't think so.

Can the people who have let you down say that?

Look in the mirror at the strong person you are and be proud of yourself. You have every right to be angry, I too have a lot of anger in me towards my H, just use that anger to continue to better yourself.

Thanks MLeigh. I think you're pretty darn amazing too. :-)

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