Nuggets - DivorceBusting.com

Divorcebusting.com

Howdy. It is time for a new thread and a little update. My last thread can be found here:

2015

There isn't much going on with me these days, but here is the latest:

My rattie seems to be getting a little better. I've been babying her a lot and giving her a lot of attention. Well, she already got a lot, but I've been giving her more. She isn't as clumsy as she was and seems to have a little more energy. She does sleep a lot more though. To be honest, I thought she was in the process of passing over a week ago.

XW has invited all of our sons over for a barbecue this Sunday for S28's birthday. S28 is the only one going. Sad, but this is her doing.

My "friend" at work continues to drive me nuts. She just returned from 4 days in Tucson. She goes down there every year for the Gem and Mineral Show. She is a rock nerd. Well, when I got to work tonight, she came right up to me and gave a present to me. It was a little Penguin (I love Penguins) figurine carved out of Soapstone. So, she was obviously thinking about me while she was down there. Anyways, see why I'm confused?

I thought about getting something for my "friend" for Valentine's Day but have decided against it. I wasn't going to get anything like the typical flowers or chocolates, but just something to "thank" her for being my friend. I may wait though. I don't want to scare her off.

She told me the other day that her X BF was much older than her. I guess that could end up being good news for me. She is 35. I am 47. So....I know she isn't afraid to "date" older guys. I'm going to continue to lay low for now though.

It's been rough, but I am still not smoking. It has now been 41 days without a single slip. I'm hopeful that my quit will actually stick this time.

I've been wanting to join the gym, but have put it off for now because of my little rattie. I'm the type of person that would feel very guilty if something happened to her and I wasn't there. I think if I was honest with myself, that is probably the reason I don't get out and do things as much as I should.

Anyways, that is all for now. Any tips on how I should handle my friend? I'm pretty confused about the whole thing....

Tad

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

Well, when I got to work tonight, she came right up to me and gave a present to me. It was a little Penguin (I love Penguins) figurine carved out of Soapstone. So, she was obviously thinking about me while she was down there. Anyways, see why I'm confused?

No, I really don't. She likes you.

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

I thought about getting something for my "friend" for Valentine's Day but have decided against it. I wasn't going to get anything like the typical flowers or chocolates, but just something to "thank" her for being my friend. I may wait though. I don't want to scare her off.

I think you're missing out on a great opportunity. She got you a small gift that showed she knows your interests and yet wasn't too "mushy." I think you should return the favor in kind.

But I know, you'll have multiple reasons why not .....

Sigh.

Quote:

Any tips on how I should handle my friend?

Yeah ask her out for lunch again. But a little more like:

"Hey you want to grab lunch today?"

Less:

"I would formally like to invite you to lunch and if you say No I shall open up a vein with your letter opener. Why don't you women like nice guys?"

you know...as a suggestion.

Nonchalant, buddy. NONCHALANT.

Tad,

Love what Drew, Jack and Wonka have said. Can I tell you that I would love to be a guy about 90% of the time? Less formal is better.

Also, she does like you-that is obvious. She picked out a gift she "thought" you would like and she was on da $$$$. Even though I'm terrible at this stuff for myself, peeps say I'm good at looking at others Rs (this is why my phone blows up at all hours:)

I don't know how you and your xw met or how that R flourished. That is always going to be a reference point for you. However, I do know it's difficult to comprehend that Rs evolve in different ways. I don't know what kind of R you will have with the friend, although I think we can all tell the potential for *something* be it friendship or a more romantic R.

Don't sell yourself short. Just be you and keep it breezy. Let it transpire.

Thanks all.

Quote:

Thanks Drew. I don't have "multiple" reasons. I just have one. I don't want to scare her. Maybe I will though. I still have time.

Quote:

Yeah. Why don't women like nice guys?

As for asking her to lunch again, I'm going to wait. I've just sort of/kind of been turned down twice already:

1. When asked (hypothetically) if she dated co-workers, she said no.

2. When I asked if she would like to have lunch over a weekend a few weeks back, she said she would get back to me because she had some things going on. A couple of days later, she messaged me and said she was busy.

Quote:

I don't know how you and your xw met or how that R flourished. That is always going to be a reference point for you. However, I do know it's difficult to comprehend that Rs evolve in different ways.

I think that is part of the problem. I've never had to do this. My XW and I met very young. She was 17 and I was 16. She was a friend of my step sister's. She was attracted to me and I was attracted to her and we flirted a little bit here and there. One day she was at the house visiting my sister. When she went to leave, I walked her home because it was getting dark. When we got to her door, she planted a kiss on me that I'll never forget. The rest is history...

Tad

Quote:

1. When asked (hypothetically) if she dated co-workers, she said no.

2. When I asked if she would like to have lunch over a weekend a few weeks back, she said she would get back to me because she had some things going on. A couple of days later, she messaged me and said she was busy.

I have read your threads Tad. I know what was said. I stand by my advice.

Let me elucidate. : )

Lunch is NOT a date.

Hey Tad, you feel like getting some lunch today?

I guarantee you that I have no romantic inclinations toward you if you said yes.

It's lunch.

And Tad...

Even if I wanted to get into your pants? You wouldn't know that based upon my light hearted invite. : )

I understand you're afraid of getting hurt again. And in truth, you're not over your XW.

Asking her out to lunch will help you on that road to healing. If things don't work out, so what? You made a move forward. That's the main point. The thing about your pet rat is sweet, but again, you're putting more emotion into her than you are into humans. It's time to move forward.

Jack, you freakin crack me up.

Ok, Tad. The not dating co-workers comment happened pretty earlyin your friendship, right?

And yea, you asked about going out on a weekend. Saying it the way Jack suggested is a whole different thing.

Maybe she is a little gun shy, too. Maybe she wants to be pursued some. Who knows?

The thing is, she enjoys your company. That's clear. Because I'm thinking I would not be buying some guy I worked with a gift while I was away if i wasnt interested on some level.

You are going to get rejected in life. You just are. Not only in a relationship kind of situation, but, in other ways.

Here's the thing...you wont die from it. I mean, not everyone is gonna like us. Just like we arent going to like everyone. Not everyone is going to agree with us or see things the way we do. Not everyone is going to want to hire us.

Oh well, that's life, Tad. We have to pick ourselves up and move forward.

What is the worst that could happen? She says no. You will still have a job, an apartment, your health, your sons. The world isnt going to stop turning.

Sometimes you just gotta go for it and say what the h#ll. Sometimes when you do, amazing things happen.

Tad,

Quote:

Any tips on how I should handle my friend?

I am curious what you are looking for in regards to tips. It seems to me that you are hoping that someone gives you a specific piece of advice that you agree with. I am curious what is you want us to say:

"Leave her alone."?

Meanwhile, everyone here, based upon what you tell us, is seeing the same thing. A person who is interested in you.

Life is short Tad. You have a great example of this crappy fact in your little ratties.

What I wish for you, is to be fearless. To seize life and see how f-ing amazing it can be even if it is scary...especially when it is scary.

My prediction is that Tad asked her to lunch she said yes and then afterward they went to her place and Tad hasn't left it since then.

please please please please.

Well ladies and gents, I've been talking to my friend again. We got to talking a bit and dating her is a no go. I asked her to lunch again and got denied. I won't ask again. I just don't get it. I've never had a woman act the way she does towards me. She pretty much told me something like:

I see you as a friend, and respect you, it's only fair that I make it clear that I don't want you to hold out hopes for anything beyond friendship.

I told her no worries and that I'd still like to be her friend. The one girl that I could actually see myself with and was starting to have feelings for but....

I just don't understand....

Tad,

Good for you for trying again. Listen, rejection is never pleasant. However, I am impressed that you asked again and you certainly can develop a friendship.

I can't speak for anyone but myself at this juncture. I know I am terribly confusing right now to males not firmly in the friend zone. I've been told and as much as I don't want to admit it, it's true. Women confuse men and men confuse women. It's been going on for centuries.

What to do? Be proud of yourself for taking the risk and keep on keeping on. Let the friendship evolve. Keep your eyes open. Keep focusing on living the best life. I think Job is correct when she says things occur when we least expect them (I hope it was okay for me to mention you Job because I honestly think that is such sage advice:)

I am very glad you tried Tad. I am sorry that it didn't work out however.

Tad,

Glad you asked again and know the answer. She looks like a really good platonic friend to keep.

As you well know, we do not always like certain people as romantic prospects. It could be that this lady isn't interested in a romantic relationship with you at all. To me, I am glad that she was honest and upfront with you without leading you on.

I am sure you have had experiences when women expressed an interest in you and you just didn't feel the same way as they did. That is the way it is sometimes although putting yourself out there and getting turned down a a tough pill to swallow. Hey, we all have been there one way or another.

It is important that you do not give up and withdraw. There will be other opportunities down the road with other women who will reciprocate your overtures.

Patience, my dear Tad.

Have you ever thought about joining groups or engage in activities? Expand your social circle a bit more. I think you're ready for this. Make the leap!

Thanks everyone.

Wonka, I have joined meetup groups but haven't gone to anything yet. I just can't make myself go....

Just journaling/venting/pouring out feelings/babbling incoherently:

Sorry for the length of this post. Just typing as things come to me:

S28 recently had a birthday and became S29. XW invited him, his GF and our other three sons. S29 and his GF are the only ones that went. I had a good chance to talk to him the other day. He says he is getting pretty tired of the way XW acts around certain people. This doesn't surprise me because she has always been a little pretentious. The thing that really shocked me though: he said XW REFUSED to sing "Happy Birthday" to him. WTF? Seriously, WTF?

He also told me that OM was in the hospital a few days earlier this month. Apparently he passed out and got blood and poop all over the bathroom. I guess he had a bleeding ulcer and was trying to hide it from XW. I don't feel good about it, but it brought me a little joy. I know....it shouldn't have. There isn't a mean bone in my body but....this brought me joy.

I've been in a different place "mentally" lately and not sure if I can explain it. I've sort of been seeing me and my life from the outside looking in. It's almost as if I've been watching a really bad movie for the last few years. I keep asking myself "How did I get here?" "What did I do?" "Where will I end up?"

I'm bummed that my friend at work only wants to be friends at the moment, but I'm glad to have her as a friend. She really is the only one I've got at the moment.

I was doing really well with forcing myself to go out until about December. Since then, I've kind of withdrawn a bit. That is when my rattie died. (My other rat is doing better.) I never thought that it would become so difficult to just leave the house. My sons forced me to have margaritas with them at a local restaurant the other night. Yes it was fun, but I wouldn't have left the house if they hadn't forced me to.

Before MLC, I was well-liked, life of the party, recognizable whenever I went out....a guy everyone wanted to be around. Now, I'm content staying in. I have no desire to leave the house. I've put off getting a haircut for two weeks now. I just have no desire to go anywhere. I've been wanting to join a gym and sign up online, but I'm afraid that it will just be a waste of money because I probably wouldn't go. I just can't seem to get over the hump...

I don't even think there are any women interested in me. Can't say that I blame them, but it would be nice.

This will sound very weird, but it is true:
When I was growing up, I always kind of knew two things:

1) I always kind of knew that my life would change when I was 33 years old. It did, I was 33 years old when my grandmother died. That is when I gained a really close relationship with God.

2) I always kind of knew that I would be alone later in life. Here I am.

Sometimes, I say to myself: "What's the point?" I just can't see myself going anywhere in life. Do I want to? Sure. Do I have the energy or willpower? I don't think so. I'm just so tired. I really need to just get away. Or go away and stay away.

Honestly, and I've thought about this a lot, I would be perfectly content giving up any worldly possessions I have left including car, computer, cell phone....even the roof over my head. Just give everything up and just walk....walk until I found a cave that I could crawl into. I know how to garden so I could grow my own food.

I'm just so sick and tired of the way things have "turned out." I don't know.....sometimes I think that I am on the verge of going through "something" myself.

Sorry for the ramble.

Tad

Hi Tad,

You sound like you are dealing with the mid winter blahs. I think a lot of us are right now. I hope you have an IC and can explore this with them. My concern is you are at a point with everything that adding the blahs into it is pushing you into full blow depression. You have come through a lot these past few years. You need some support to see that you are coming to a better place and not sinking into a hole. I know it tough, believe me. I don't even know if I want to accept a job offer I am expecting this coming week. I sometimes feel I would rather throw it all away and start over myself. I know that i should accept it and move forward in my life as well. So, get someone to talk to a work through this to your better place.

Tad,

What I am hearing are just excuses...more excuses for why you just "can't" go out. No one is stopping you but YOURSELF.

You are being gripped by a serious case of interia.

Then the more you stay stuck on the inertia square, the more you'll become one of those people from the Hoarders show.

Yeah, there are times when I just don't feel like going out. But I do FORCE myself out and find myself having fun. I am involved in two organizations as Board members to keep myself engaged and active.

You cannot afford to be afraid of life. What a waste.

Get out there. Get outside of your comfort zone.

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

Before MLC, I was well-liked, life of the party, recognizable whenever I went out....a guy everyone wanted to be around. Now, I'm content staying in. I have no desire to leave the house. I've put off getting a haircut for two weeks now. I just have no desire to go anywhere. I've been wanting to join a gym and sign up online, but I'm afraid that it will just be a waste of money because I probably wouldn't go. I just can't seem to get over the hump...

Before MLC....????

MLC didn't cause any of this Tad, you chose it..

Originally Posted By: Tad

I don't even think there are any women interested in me. Can't say that I blame them, but it would be nice.

This will sound very weird, but it is true:
When I was growing up, I always kind of knew two things:

1) I always kind of knew that my life would change when I was 33 years old. It did, I was 33 years old when my grandmother died. That is when I gained a really close relationship with God.

2) I always kind of knew that I would be alone later in life. Here I am.

You don't know any of that to be true, only what you expected, and worked towards. (yes, you work very hard at achieving those goals)..

All of that changes with a single choice. A choice to do something out of your comfort zone.

And with that single choice, it can and will snowball if YOU allow it to...

Tad,

Not going to give you any crap here. : )

It is hard for me to reconcile the person you say you used to be with the person I have read about. That's a pretty fur bit as some would say.

Quote:

I'm just so sick and tired of the way things have "turned out." I don't know.....sometimes I think that I am on the verge of going through "something" myself.

I hope so. I think the guy you used to be would like nothing more than to slap himself awake.

Gunshy might be safer...but it seems like that condition is always afraid or timid or coming up with some reason not to experience life. Gunshy always seemed to me to be existing...not living, you know?

For instance, and btw I know this won't happen, hell I'm not even sure I would do this. Go up to your friend, kiss her in one of those deep dips from the 1950's and say."I know you don't date co-workers, so I just quit."

Ok...4 fingers of Lagavulin and a pair of working legs and I would. : ) Maybe 5.

Tad,

You've been awfully quiet lately and I am getting a bit worried about you.

Please drop a line when you can...hope you're doing okay.

Ditto

Thanks everyone.

I'm still here...just been a little different/off/down lately.

My little fur baby is hanging in there. She has been sleeping probably 18-20 hours a day. She's just so old...I may have to put her to sleep soon. She has a little tumor under her arm. I've been watching it closely. I DO NOT want to have to do this...

Been witnessing S22 argue with XW for the past 2 weeks (yes 2 weeks) over the OM. She keeps telling him to "take it like a man", "accept it", "it's time", "you don't have to be his buddy...just meet him", "shake his hand", blah blah blah. I have four sons. The youngest and oldest were "forced" (their words) to meet him. The two middle ones have not. It is really starting to bug her I think. None of this turned out the way she had planned.

I joined a dating site last week. I've had quite a few nibbles, but nothing that I'm really interested in.

As mentioned, been somewhat blue lately. Can't seem to shake it. Thanks for your concern.

Tad

Glad to hear from you, Tad.

Different? Different how?

Somewhat blue? I know I've been like that before. Just the blahs. In some cases you can shake it by changing your routine. In others, you might need a little help from a friend (doc). Been checked out lately (by a doc?)

Quote:

Ok...4 fingers of Lagavulin and a pair of working legs and I would. : ) Maybe 5.

Ah, oaky and smokey, eh Jack? And I think you're selling yourself short. With a little thought, you could make it work...and you really only need two fingers, if you space them out far enough

Thanks AJ. No, I haven't been to see an actual doctor since my mom insisted I see her doctor a couple of years ago. He was the one that put me on anti depressants. I don't even "have" a doctor. I'm going to get my eyes checked next week because they have really gone downhill in the last few months. Once that is done, I need to find a joint doctor. I can rarely move the thumb on my right hand without pain. It getting where I can't squeeze anything.

Sometimes, I think I am falling apart at the seams.

Quote:

Different? Different how?

I don't know AJ. I can't really explain it.

Tad

Hi Tad, Your Quote 'I think I am falling apart at the seams'.

My Reply, A Song By (The) Marmalade

'Falling Apart At The Seams'

Yoooooooooou

Until you came, it felt like my world -
Was fallin' apart at the seams -
All of my childhood dreams, were empty and meaningless
Until we kissed, seemed like the rain
Was turnin' my hopes into sand
Oh, I was a yesterday man, until I found you

It was as plain as the nose on my face -
That I was, heading nowhere
Then into my life came an angel of grace
Sunlight in her hair
Now love is the strangest emotion
'Cause just when I want you to stay
Seems like you're changing, don't turn me away
(Don't turn me away)

Until you came, felt like my world -
Was fallin' apart at the seams -
All of my childhood dreams, were empty and meaningless
Until we kissed seemed like the rain
Was turnin' my hopes into sand
Oh, I was a yesterday man until I found yoooooooooou

I'm like a man in a mantle of black
Who just saw the light
Who cast off the shadow, when you gave him back,
The meaning to life
Now love is the strangest emotion
'Cause just when I want you to stay
Seems like you're changing, don't turn me away
(I want you to stay)

Until you came, felt like my world -
Was fallin' apart at the seams -
All of my childhood dreams, were empty and meaningless (Oh yes)
Until we kissed, seemed like the rain
Was turnin' my hopes into sand
Oh, I was a yesterday man until I found yooooou

Love

Delboy

Tad,

Go and see a doctor. You're slipping into depression again with no friends and all you're doing is concentrating on your W's life and not yours.

Yeah Tad. Go see a doc. Don't wait for it - make the appointment for the regular doc and checkup. Make it the priority. The hand will wait or you can do both.

Overall, it sounds like things are improving for you. Working again. Have the option of seeing a healthcare provider. Thinking about the ladies. But don't play with your health or make it a low priority. The eye appt is already made. So make a regular appointment to get a full check up. Just do it

Dating sites?

My man!

Those nibbles? Talk to them, engage get some experience on how to talk and chat under your belt get some practice, I'm not saying anything has to happen I'm saying get your confidence up when talking to members of the opposite sex...

wait a sec...it is the opposite sex right? No judgements if so...might actually be easier. : )

Ultimately learning how to talk to women...confidently will help you out a lot Tad.

Tad,

Sending you a bat signal....come on over. What's up with you lately?

Hey Wonka.

Thanks for checking in.

I'll ramble...Not sure how much sense I'm going to make since I really don't even know how I feel.

There isn't much going on with me. Actually there is NOTHING going on with me.

I'm still talking to my female friend at work. Actually, she seems a little friendlier lately. Not sure what that means.

I just can't seem to get moving. A friend of mine at work has offered to go out and have some fun. I've turned him down 2 weeks in a row. The funny thing is, I'm not even sure why. It's like I KNOW I need to get out of the house and I KNOW I need to get out and do things, but I can't or WON'T. It's kind of like I see no point in it. Or, it is fear.

The last time I posted here, I was sort of accused of "looking for reasons" to not do this or that. I'm not looking for reasons. I'm really not.

I'm just.....I don't know.

In a bad spot.

I've spent the last 3 weeks watching my little rattie get weaker and weaker. I think she has lost most, if not all of her eyesight. She has been extra clingy towards me and will hold on as tight as she can when it is time to put her in the cage. All she wants is to be with me. It breaks my heart. I hate leaving her when I go to work. I try to spend as much time as I can with her because I know she will probably be dying soon. Wish I wouldn't get so upset about her, but I can't help it. I know it is normal to be upset when a pet is getting ready to pass, but the feelings that I have do not feel normal. She's made it much longer than I thought she would. Seems like EVERYTHING I hold near and dear has been taken away from me. Even as a kid...I've spent my entire life getting attached to things/people only to have them taken away. I mean, it has ALWAYS been like that for me. I won't go into details here, but I believe I posted details of my childhood in an earlier thread. Having things taken from me started very early.

I want to start living life. I want the pain of everything to just stop. I almost feel like I am 9-10 years old again:

A small, weak, timid, confidence lacking little boy....a boy who would rather stay in than go out to play. A boy who would rather listen to a conversation than be a part of it.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I'm just different. Different in a way that I can't even explain. I'm not even sure if it is a bad different or a good different.

I was doing pretty well I think until about December/January.

There is so much that I want to do or see, but I just can't swing it. I don't have much money, but I have a little. I just want...

Told you I'd ramble.

I have given up soda and have actually lost 10 pounds. I plan to join the gym when my rattie passes. I've also quit smoking. I haven't had one since December 31st but....sometimes ask myself "whats the point?" I should just continue smoking anyways. If it shortens my life by a decade or two, who cares? Seriously?

I need friends. I need friends outside of work. I need people I can do things with and talk to. With the exception of my boys, I have absolutely NOBODY and I don't want to burden them.

Speaking of my sons:

S22 quit his job. Ug......just more garbage to add to the plate.

I wish they could all just get their lives together so I can get mine together. I hate feeling like this, but sometimes I feel like they are holding me back. I just can't do it any longer.

S22's band has a show coming up on April 7th. XW will not be there this time because OM is having a "medical procedure" performed. Whatever the Hell that means.

I have a great job, (want to have) my own place, get 3 days off a week.....and that's it.

No friends
No activities
No hobbies
No family

Nothing....

There were many times when I was married and on the radio that XW and I both wished that I could just have an ordinary job/life. Now, I'm ordinary. Too ordinary.

Sometimes I really do wish I could just go to sleep and leave the world and everyone behind.

I know deep inside of me
There's a place but it's not plain to see
Where I belong, where no one else can be

And I'm searching for myself again
And when I'm all alone is when
I close my eyes, and no one else can see

I have no social interaction with anybody outside of my job. I see these people 4 days a week and then go home and....

Nothing.

Just like it was when I was a kid.

When I was a kid:

I never talked unless spoken to.

I always felt inferior.

I never participated in extra activities.

I wasn't popular unless....I was getting picked on.

After school, I went straight home and went right back into my world.

And that's how I feel now. I feel like I belong in my little world, but not in anybody else's. And....I'm too afraid to let anyone in mine.

I am afraid. I am afraid of everything....

That is why I've seriously considered becoming a monk or just walking the earth until I find my place or die looking.

Sorry you asked Wonka?

I feel like I don't belong.
I feel like I've already lived my life or like the best is behind me.
I feel like I'm in a fog.
I feel like I'm watching a movie and it's really not me playing the lead role.
I feel like that this was all some master plan, but I wasn't involved in the planning process.
I feel like I've already lived through the best part...

As I've said, I'm just so very tired...So tired.

I've been wanting to visit the beach, but....that just reminds me of being young and in love. I lived near the ocean when I met XW.

I want to get in the car and drive until I run out of gas...then don't come back. I'd like to move somewhere that I've never been and just take it from there. The only thing is, it would mean leaving my sons behind and that would pretty much put an end to ANY family that I have....

I kind of feel like an outsider in my own life: like I don't belong or like I'm the new kid that nobody wants to talk to or get to know.

I just don't know how much I have left....just so emotionally/mentally and even physically drained.

I sometimes look back on my marriage and wonder if XW was really the way she is now and maybe I was just too stupid/blind to see it. I know everyone preaches that there was nothing I could have done, but sometimes I wonder. I still sometimes say to myself that "there is no way that the XW I knew could have done what she did."

My grandmother always taught me to do the right thing. And I can honestly say that I've done pretty well with that. There isn't a mean bone in my body, I've always been nice, I've always been the nice guy that could be counted on and always treated people the way that I wanted to be treated. And....this is what I get.

Hell, even the day that XW MOVED OUT, I was told by her:

"I LOVE YOU."

"YOU'LL MAKE SOMEONE REALLY HAPPY SOMEDAY."

"YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES."

That was the day she moved out!

....and here I am. Still here with no sense of self. I have absolutely no idea who I am or what I want. I seem to have lost my identity somewhere along the way. Which is why I should probably become a monk or just crawl into a cave somewhere.

It's funny/ironic in a way. My spouse went through an identity crisis and here I am with no identity.

Seriously Wonka, I really don't know how I'm doing. Something has changed in me in the last couple of months.

There is so much I want to say, but can't find the words.

Anyways, thanks for the bat signal. I'm here, but not sure where HERE is....

Tad

TAD!

3 words...

GET PROFESSIONAL HELP

We all have seen you spiraling into clinical depression and yet you don't seek help, yet you complain that you feel the way you do and don't know why. It's been going over and over and over again.

You've heard everyone tell you to get help, that you're worth it, blah blah blah. But the thing is that if you don't believe it yourself, then you're not going to believe us. In fact, your "what's the point" attitude is a big f*ck you to all of us.

That's what it seems like to me. You want to be sad for yourself, go ahead. Then go and tell your story to a kid with terminal cancer or someone who was born without limbs. The only way you're going to start getting better is by doing something.

Which is something you don't care to do.

By the way, it's MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK.

I think that's a sign for you. I recently read this on a blog about it...
"Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are NOT a sign of weakness. They are signs of having tried to remain strong for too long. Did you know that 1 in 3 of us go through this at some point in our lives? You are not alone.."

Tad,

I am so sorry that you are really struggling emotionally at this stage.

Fer God's sake, you've got to FORCE yourself to get out of the house. Heck, people have offered a get-together to you twice and you've turned down. Not good.

There are many things you can do for free and gets you out of the house:

1) Volunteer at the local hospital and read stories to ill children. One poster posted not too long ago that he volunteers at the maternity ward to just hold the babies because they need someone to rotate to hold the babies
2) Volunteer at the local animal shelter (you can help cleaning out and changing their bowls, etc)
3) Join a hiking club through Meet-Up

Your sons are not holding you back. You are holding YOURSELF back.

Stop being so afraid of the world. There are TONS of good people out there. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

Hey Tad. Sorry you are feeling the way you are.

I went through a deep, debilitating depression. I have felt as you do now. The despair, the unworthiness, the feeling as if you will never climb out of it. I was curled into a ball on the floor at one point.

I know you feel as if you just dont have the strength to do what you need to do. I wish I could tell you that there is an easy fix, but, I cant.

Honestly, you need help to get through this. Thats the simple fact. I went through 4 therapists before I found the one who helped to change my life. And I thank God for her everyday.

But the thing is that I had to want it, Tad. The truth is, I didnt at first. I mean, I knew that I couldnt go on living the way I was. I had a son who loved me and was watching me. What was I showing him? I was in charge of teaching him how to navigate through life's tough stuff. I had to figure out how to teach him well.

So, with that as a goal, I began to fake it. I mean, that's the honest truth. I pushed myself to do one thing differently. Just one thing.

Sometimes it was taking a different route home. Sometimes trying a different store. I smiled at people more.

I found my therapist. I tried different medications. I know that's not for everyone. I resisted them for a long time. But they helped me at the time.

I continued pushing through. I started to slay the dragons of my childhood.

Through hard work, determination and sheer will, and with my boy as my catalyst, I noticed a shift.

The more I smiled at people, the more they smiled back. I started to try more new things. I saw that people liked to be around me.

I realized that my mother and my xh were wrong. I was worthy. I was enough.

It was a long, tough journey, Tad. But my son was worth it...and so was I.

I dont think you want to feel the way you do. I think you just dont have the strength to fight.

But here's the thing. You have gotten through some really tough stuff in your life.

YOu have four wonderful boys, a job you like, your health. That is way more than most.

One day you may be a grandfather. Tomorrow you may meet someone who changes your life.

Still a lot of life left to live. Still a lot of good stuff that can happen.

But you have to be willing to do the work. It wont be easy. But, man, what it can bring.

Do one thing differently, Tad. Push yourself to do it. Then do another.

Smile more even when you dont feel like it. Go somewhere..anywhere..even if you dont want to. Keep trying therapists til you find the right one.

Show your sons how to get through life. They are watching, Tad. You know that.

As far as your past..you know your truth. Dont allow anyone to take that away from you.

That's what keeps me pressing onwards...my kids.

Chances are...if I have a history of chronic depression, my mother has a history of chronic depression, both grandmothers have a history of chronic depression and...we all know Smokey suffers from chronic depression...well, then, my kids will likely struggle with chronic depression.

I want to have the answer for them if it strikes them. I want to, at least, have found the path outta hell if they find themselves there. If I have the tools, then, God willing, they will be able to lead long, productive lives.

Look at your depression as a stranger or observer. Is it cyclical? What are your triggers? Sun exposure is a biggie for me? I also get stuck when I feel rejected or a series of disappointments. I sorta snap into default where I remember and re-experience past disappointments and rejection.

Tad, you know yourself better than anyone. But, don't buy into the negative depression talk in your head. Some brains are great at deepening a depression...I happen to have one of those. Push those thoughts away and figure out what makes the depression lift. You did seem better when you saw the therapist.

And, maybe the rats need to go. Why have you chosen a pet with such a short lifespan? Why put yourself through that type of grief?

NOT JUDGING, just wondering. Look at your life as an observer.

Hi Tad. I'm sorry to hear things are difficult now. I want you to know that I understand. It was not too long ago that I felt very similarly to you. It is rough. For me, it was easier to just.... be that way. I didn't care so much that I did. But I knew deep down that I didn't want it to last.

Suggestions to do certain things were like hearing nails on a chalkboard. But, one thing I knew for certain was that I needed to see prof help. I stopped my ic in Nov, and had an appt with a new one, but there was a long waiting period between. I didn't get in until last week. I felt so much better. It was only a step, but it did help. I will be going regularly. Other things have helped, but I can feel myself back on the upswing. You can too, Tad. Make it simple... here I go... I'm about to make suggestions! Start small. Go for a walk. Every day. Get out... even if just for a little bit. Go out for coffee. Take a book or write. Bring a laptop. Post here. Do something while you are there. Just for a little bit. Maybe make it a once a week thing. Go to the library. When you go to these places, don't look down. Make eye contact. Say hello to people as you walk through the door together. It seems silly, but just simple human connection helps acclimate yourself back into.... life.

Tad, I didn't go grocery shopping for over a month. I have two teenagers. And they have friends over. I would send my son. Whenever I was going to go do something, I found a reason to talk myself out of it. This is not my personality at all!!! I am very talkative. Very outgoing. Always talked to EVERYONE! As a kid, I was very popular. My friends would say, you are friends with everyone! I knew people of all ages. I was always laughing and having fun. I was voted the funniest in my class. That is just me. So, to get to that place... it is hard. I guess my point is... it doesn't matter what we were as kids. We need to live for today. We need to work it out. You can do this, Tad.

My friends at work were talking to me about meeting someone. I thought about it and I knew that at the time, I didn't have anything to offer anyone. I knew I could. But that I couldn't access it. It seems like being with someone would make me feel better. But, I couldn't count on them to do that for me. That's not fair to them or me. I want to bring something to the table first. I want a healthy and happy r. In order for that to happen, I have to be healthy and happy myself.

So, I'm working on me. I have taken steps, and with everyone- it gets a little easier. Spring time is helping for sure. I have forced myself to do things. And, I have always been glad that I did afterword. Every time.

So, Tad, make an appointment first to see a prof. You have nothing to lose by doing that- and everything to gain. It is a long process... but one worth taking.

Then, start small, Tad. Let me know what you are doing. Take a walk by tomorrow, ok? If not that- something. Let me know what you decided. I'm going to check in.

As far as your s? Maybe he is watching you to see what you are going to do. Don't wait for him to make the move first. He is looking to you. Show him how its done. Even when the going gets tough. Push through, Tad. It's much better on the other side. I know it is hard to see. I also know that it is hard to care. But, I know you still do. There is a little flame in there... c'mon! The first step is the hardest. You can do this! We are behind you.

Tad be thankful u have your sons in your life my son hasn't spoken to me in almost a year now. It's such a Blessing to have what u have, esp your children.
You have to learn to be happy with just you and then go from there.
Let go of your childhood, a lot of us have been there. I was abused.
Let it go!,!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are free to do whatever u choose! Enjoy this time to yourself.
I don't see u as shy. You were in radio. Find that guy again. Do something on the side with some of your old radio friends.

Being alone don't scare me anymore. Not having my son in my life does.
We all have problems Tad.

Tad,

You have received stellar advice. There is nothing wrong with needing a little help. Life is short even though we *never* really believe that.

Everyone has caca. You are going around one time on this planet in this form. Make the best of it.

Hey tad, just about to go into my ic session, and thinking about you. wanted to check in. How are things?

Thanks a lot everyone.

Quote:

So, with that as a goal, I began to fake it. I mean, that's the honest truth.

Thanks Ur. I feel like I've been faking everything for 4+ yeas.

Quote:

I dont think you want to feel the way you do. I think you just dont have the strength to fight.[/qote]

That is exactly right. I'm emotionally drained. I find many days where I'm on the verge of tears or many times I'm just dying to just jump right out of my skin.

[quote]Tad, you know yourself better than anyone. But, don't buy into the negative depression talk in your head. Some brains are great at deepening a depression...I happen to have one of those. Push those thoughts away and figure out what makes the depression lift. You did seem better when you saw the therapist.

I have a lot of negative thoughts....they didn't start creeping up again until 4 or 5 months ago. Therapist? Ug....I don't like them...haven't found one that I liked and to be honest, I feel pretty silly sitting in front of someone I don't know and blurting out all of my problems. But......I have started looking for a new one. I just don't have the money to throw down....

Quote:

And, maybe the rats need to go. Why have you chosen a pet with such a short lifespan? Why put yourself through that type of grief?

Well I'm not really a cat or dog person. The rats, well, they just happened. I fell in love with them as soon as I saw them. It was suggested that I get a pet, so I figured why not the rats? I honestly didn't think I would even get attached to them. I hated rats in the past. I held them everyday since before they had hair and before their eyes were even open....Like I said, I just really bonded with them...kind of like how I bonded with my grandmother when I was a baby and my mom wasn't around.

Quote:

So, Tad, make an appointment first to see a prof. You have nothing to lose by doing that- and everything to gain.

I'm currently looking for one.

Quote:

I don't see u as shy. You were in radio. Find that guy again.

......not sure I want to find that guy or even where to look.

Mighty, sorry I didn't respond right away.

EYES:
Had my eyes checked. It seems my job is taking it's toll on my eyesight. I work in a dark room in front of about 50 tv screens and 4 computer screens. So....I've got glasses on the way.

HANDS:
Still have to get checked out. I've pretty much lost the use of my thumb on my right hand.

BRAIN:
I need a therapist. I just need to find one I like. Been dreaming a lot of plane crashes again. Seeing the wreck in the French Alps doesn't help. I've actually had dreams of doing just exactly what that pilot did....plus I seem to be on the verge of tears a lot lately.

I really don't want to go on meds again, but think I may need them. I just wish I knew what happened. I was doing pretty well until a few months ago.

Thought it was all behind me. I guess not.

I feel ashamed...washed up...sad....done......

Tad

Hi Tad,

Take your time looking for a counselor. You may need to take meds, but only for a short time. Find a counselor who does short term counseling to solve the immediate problems. They will help you to solve the immediate problems and also help you to develop skills to cope in the future and work your own way out of periods like this. Its a solutions focused counseling and will do you a world of good.

Hi there Tad!

I just read the last few posts here on this page.

Have you had your Vitamin D levels checked?

You definitely sound depressed Tad.

You said you didn't want to start meds again. Why? Did you have side effects?

I strongly suggest that while you're searching for a new counselor, start taking Vit D. 5000 IU. People's Vit D levels get low enough the doctors prescribe super 50,000 IU to take 2 times a week. I needed it last year and have needed it in the past. I know last year I was physically feeling so horrible, as well as so depressed, I was really beginning to think I was dying of some dread disease! Vit D levels that are low, the first sign is depression.

Also Fish Oil 1200 (enterically coated to avoid fish burps) will help alot with depression as well, though it's mainly focused for heart health. I know it helps my joints for sure.

Since I started on Vit D and fish oil, my depression really lifted.I used to take Citalopram, but noticed that I didn't really need it after I started taking my fish oil and Vitamin D. I feel much more evened out, and can handle the up's and downs of life much better. Im still really stressed from my job, but I don't feel utterly hopeless anymore. Just worn the hell out!

It might be a good choice to start meds again as well as supplements, and then gradually lessen your anti depressant dose (with md approval of course) and see how you feel after several months.

Sorry Tad, what man needs a woman he's never met telling him what to do, right? LOL. But I just wanted to let you know that could be a place to start without having to get worried about huge therapy bills. Once a depression starts to lift, its amazing how your stinking thinking can turn around all on it's own.

My boyfriend has been in a very sad state for quite some time.Granted I know he's been grieving the loss of his mother, he's just literally gotten to the point of doing the bare minimum of anything. If he didn't have dialysis he'd never leave the house, shower, or shave. WEll he found out he needed big doses of Vit D a few weeks ago. He's been taking his big doses, and boy howdy' he's come back to life this week! His concentration levels are up, his sense of humor is back, his energy is up, and he says he's really feeling good! Which is a big statement, because he was so down, so tired, so horribly irritable (lots of unnecessary fights) I really thought perhaps he was a lost cause!

Anyway Tad, take it easy!

Kimmerz

Tad. Get help now!

Hey Tad. I'm worried about you, sweetie.

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

Been dreaming a lot of plane crashes again. Seeing the wreck in the French Alps doesn't help. I've actually had dreams of doing just exactly what that pilot did....plus I seem to be on the verge of tears a lot lately.

I really don't want to go on meds again, but think I may need them. I just wish I knew what happened. I was doing pretty well until a few months ago.

Thought it was all behind me. I guess not.

I feel ashamed...washed up...sad....done......

That..^^^^ is not good. At all. I know you dont like the thought of a therapist. I hated the thought myself....until I found the one who helped change my life. I went to four before I found her.

You have no choice here, Tad. How you are feeling is not good and it's not going to get better on its own.

I hated the thought of medicine, too. But I was sick and I needed help. It doesnt mean you have to be on them forever.

Tad, you still have a whole lot of life left to live...with your boys and maybe grandchildren one day. There's a whole lot out there in the world for you to experience.

You obviously need help in getting better. You cannot continue as you are. But you have to want to get it, Tad. You have to push yourself.

It's time. Get to gettin...

Tad please listen. We all care about you. There is so much life in you if you give YOU a chance. You deserve it Tad.

Hugs x a 100

Tad, going through your day feeling this way is a lot like trying to see without the right glasses.

Once you put on the right glasses the world will be clearer and not so scary. That will make you calmer and allow you to see all the beauty. Without the right glasses everything is just a fuzzy, scary blur.

Medication and therapy are like a good pair of eyeglasses.

Please make an appt. today with a doctor. Just call and make the appointment. Take it one step at a time but please take this step.

Thanks everyone.

Been a couple of weeks.

Been trying to get in to see a therapist, but keep getting the run around with my employer/website/computer. Ug. Going to keep trying. I should know something next week. Sometimes I really think that everything/everyone is just out to make my life difficult.

I've been trying to "fake it" at work and on FB, but that is all it is: fake.

I slipped and had a couple of smokes last week. Again: fail.

Kimmerz: The meds? I just don't like being on them. I was on them before, but took myself off of them. They helped a lot, but my brother was also on meds before hanging himself. I guess...I'm just trying to be careful/cautious....

Saw a picture of XW last week. Wow. She's put on some weight!!! It's kind of funny in a way because she got into all the healthy foods and the P90X thing and this is the heaviest she's ever been. I've never seen her this heavy. And with the working out and healthy eating....the weight gain doesn't make sense. Could be the alcohol.

I've actually lost a lot of weight just in the last month. I don't know how much because I don't have a scale, but I've gained two holes in my belt loop.

My little baby rattie.......she just keeps hanging in there. I thought once her sister died back in December, she would be right behind her. I love her so much. I do hate the fact that she has slowed down so much. It used to be when I would let her out for play time, she would run all around the room, jump on furniture and have a blast. Now, she won't leave my chest. She just wants to cuddle and sleep on my chest. It's sad, but I do like cuddling with her.

Had my performance review at work last week. It went very well. I'm getting a raise later this month.

I know what I want my life to look like and what I want. I just don't know how to get there.

Guess that's all for now.

Tad

Hi Tad,
Congratulations on the raise! This tells me that you are doing a good job and doing what is expected of you. Keep up the good work!

As for FB, why not stay off of that site for a while unless you are using it to keep in touch w/friends and family. As for your xw and the way she looks, there could be any number of reasons she's put on weight, eating, alcohol, medications and changes beginning to take place w/her, i.e., menopause. Depression can put a whammy on the body as well, some gain, some lose weight. But whatever the reason, it's on her.

So you slipped had had a couple of smokes. It's not a "fail". Quitting smoking takes a lot of effort and will power and if you had some rough times, well, that will draw you back to the smokes. You know what you need to do, so get back on track again and keep moving forward.

I'm glad your little rattie is still hanging in there. She's getting old and wants to be close to you for warmth and comfort. Enjoy her company and always know that you did the best by them. They knew they had a good home life.

Keep trying to get in to see a therapist. A therapist will help you figure things out. I know it's been tough going trying to get in to see one...but don't give up. You are not a quitter!

Tad, please take care of yourself. You only have this one life...so live it to the fullest each and every day.

Thank you job.

Forgot....here is a link to my newest thread:

Really Random Ramblings

Tad