And I seriously thought, I mean seriously, that I had the easiest sitch. Which is why I didn't post for months. I was like, oh man, I feel for some of these people. I know my sitch isn't that bad.
ROFLMAO!!!!!!! And here I thought your sitch was one of the hardest ones here!
(And yes, I'd make a good host for Cheaters! Once you've read enough of these sitches, you can smell the lies from a mile away.)
How's that for an egocentric title?
I almost cringed at it, myself. But, I am doing something different. The reason for the name, itself, that I gave myself many months ago.... donno. I think I knew I would have to be that in a way.
So, now, this time is about me. In my world, anyway. In my previous post, I mentioned how I loved to laugh and joke. It's kind of my thing. Not that I'm good... but what I like. And, so, since I know it, and that part of me feels dampened down, I don't like it.
That, among other things, have come to my attention, that I need to springboard myself into myself. Figure it all out. And, like xh figuring out things without distraction... well.. I need to do the same.
I want to walk a little taller. I want to walk a little stronger. I want to have more laughter. I want to remember things (incredibly forgetful and scatterbrained these days). I want to be confident. I want to be independent. I want to finish tasks successfully. I want to be a great mom. I want to be a great friend, daughter, sister, aunt. I want to be real. Authentic. Understanding. Compassionate. Funny.
OK, done.
I'm gonna do this.
Haha, Ellie! Shows how friggin clueless I was!
I want to walk a little taller. I want to walk a little stronger. I want to have more laughter. I want to remember things (incredibly forgetful and scatterbrained these days). I want to be confident. I want to be independent. I want to finish tasks successfully. I want to be a great mom. I want to be a great friend, daughter, sister, aunt. I want to be real. Authentic. Understanding. Compassionate. Funny.
OK, done.
I'm gonna do this.
THIS is the same woman I "read" all night last night ... and, yes, even today, despite the shi!tstorms hurled at you, hardcore, the past little while.
I'm glad to have crossed paths with you, Mighty, and that a little of my own sh!tstorm might have helped. (And/Or maybe WILL help.)
You rock my socks, sista. You're miles ahead of where I've EVER been in this process.
You and me, baby? We're stuck like glue now. And I can't wait to see you continue to shine, shine, shine!
Rock on.
(P.S. Speaking of Cheaters ...
About 12 years ago, one of my girlfriends knew her H was cheating. And I knew it, too. We devised a plan:
Three of us girls got together, and my girlfriend convinced her H we were going to the beach for the weekend. We all dressed in our beach-finest - even packed luggage and crammed it in my SUV (!!!) - and drove to my friend's H's job to show him the directions I had printed to make sure they were the best ones - and, of course, to make sure he saw that the car was "packed".
In other words, it was entirely believable. Almost to a fault.
That night, we all dressed in black and conducted surveillance from across the street of his workplace. We drove an unrecognizable car at a safe distance, following him to his family home, where - of course - OW later met him.
We busted up in there with a video camera rolling as my girlfriend confronted her H. I happened to be the one holding the video camera.
Okay, okay. So we were young - in our early 20s - and a little dramatic at the time. But all that to say ...
Ellie is host of our new "Cheaters." And I'll be the camera"man."
Bahahahaha.)
LOLOL - omg, Train, that's the best thing I ever heard!!!!
Hey, that's how we roll, right?!
Good news is: my girlfriend wasn't really heartbroken or devastated. It would have been really crappy if she had still been in love with him.
But, she wasn't. So it's pretty funny.
We still laugh hysterically about it.
Do you still have the video? That could be a good laugh!
It's an old dinosaur "tape," which fit into a VCR tape-thingy. Lord. *I* feel like a dinosaur all a sudden. So, yes, there's absolutely the real chance it's still here. I'd just need the accommodations - and time - to find it. That would be so awesome. Lmao.
Ummm... don't feel like a dinosaur... we are the same age. Tapes are so the thing... just no one knows.
Mighty, I'm only 37, but thanks to D18 - who's clearly following in my footsteps - I'm four months from becoming a (gulp) GRANDMA.
I might not be a dinosaur by our standards, but I sure feel like one! Still, cassette-tapes and VCR-tapes and such make me feel, um, vintage. Antique, maybe. And vintage and antique = valuable. So, yeah, that's the ticket: we're valuable!
Oh snap! My son is going to be 18 next month. So the thought of that... ooooooooo eeeeeeeee! (he does not what to follow these steps! although... sometimes I wonder about his dang steps!)
Bet you are one hot grannie! You valuable grannie, you.
Ok... wait.... I know, for sure, "grannie" aint cuttin it. So... hmmm.... what are you gonna go with? My aunt, who is like my oldest aunt... is called belle by her grandkids. You know like, beautiful?! Got any cool grandma names? It's so the thing.
Mmmhmmmm. You know whassup.
I'm going with something that doesn't have a G in it - "Lovey" - because D18 likes it. I tried to get her to agree to "Madea" - you know, "Muh-to-tha-d@mn-D-E-A," but she ain't feelin' it. Lol!!
"Lady, I got about 27 people in my head and they was all about to beat yo' as$! I'm telling you, I'm crazy! I will burn this place DOWN!"
"Hallelujer! I am living for the Lort!"
I mean, let's be be honest: It fits. But - le sigh - D18 says no. Boo!
Mighty you sound really good! I'm so glad you are stepping back and taking time for you!
Cheering you on- and cracking up at Train's posts too!!
Hellurrr... How ya durnin?
Train, you've gotta go w madea. And that's all I have to say about that.
Hey daring. Thanks. I do feel better. I really can't think about their sitch- it will drive me crazy. I do get some uneasiness still, but it's much better. Heck, it's not like it is a comforting situation. So, I suppose it's to be expected.
Speaking of uneasy feelings... No good morning text today. I'm ok, but it does make me a little sad. But it's far from the end of the world. There is sometimes a moment of contemplation wondering if I should just say it (I never fell for it last year while db). I am only sharing this in case it could help someone. It is much easier to overcome that by thinking, so what? What would it accomplish if I sent it. He may respond, but it won't change is thinking or feelings. If he wants to initiate, he will.
I'm not sweating it, again, just a thought process that has been helpful to me. With that said, he is respecting my request of space. He is a guy who likes to know someone is there. He like to be in a r. He has this thing he feels he has to be. It's an abandonment thing, I presume. An insecurity. We had a discussion a little while back about how being insecure was one of the worst feelings. I hadn't ever really had it until bd. he always had, but was in MAJOR denial about it. Would have never in a million admitted it. But, he actually agreed that it is the worst feeling. Interesting convo.
But, he needs to rebuild, as do I. That needs to be done independently. Whether or not he is taking advantage of that opportunity or not is on him.
I do miss him. But it's not him now.
We have an appointment tonight w s17- all 3 of us. So I will see him tonight. Last night he came to see the kids. I was in my room. He came to tell me something. He stood in the doorway and didn't enter. He talked about work and what he had to tell me about an old friend, and other things. We were pleasant, but distant.
Deeeeeeeep breathe. Smile. Move.
OK, so I'm doing a good job! But, I notice it is like re-detaching. The same emotions, sick feeling, insecurity, uneasiness, yadda.... But I know the drill. Been there, done that. I looked a little back at my firsts posts. I was actually doing well then. That was post detachment when I first started posting here. So, I am aware i went a little crazy the past two months. The feelings, however, are all too familiar. It is a wake-up call for what I could really feel if I got too carried away.
So I'm glad I have taken a large step back. Still going through some of the withdrawal feelings. But feeling better knowing what it is like to be detached. Struggle with some emotions daily, but OK.
So, I have not looked out my window at all!!!!! In fact, all week I have no idea when he has been at hww's. This is so good for me. It is a relief to not even have to think about it.
Today we met at the appt with s17. It went well. Then as we were walking to the cars, I confirmed that he was p/u d13 later and said bye. We drove home (and pulled in side-by-side... how weird he lives next door..). And that was that.
When he got to the appt, it was just the two of us waiting... he asked right away, "How are you?" He was such a chatter-box. Telling me all about work and everything.(Oh, btw... the last round of cuts was this week at his job. He is safe... so is the skank.) But he has never been the chatter box, that's been my job! But, he took charge. I engaged a little, but just to respond. Honestly, it kind of bothers me to talk about his work. Since, his boss brought him and hww over and he would tell me his boss liked to hire chicks. And they work together. And everyone sees them as a couple. And I am sure asking about the baby... whatever... I have no interest in going there right now. But he always like to talk about work, where ever it was. He is good at it. We would always talk about it... it was really the only thing he would ever talk about. The past couple months it has been a little uncomfortable for me. I have had to stop him before and tell him I don't want to talk about it.
Today was OK. I don't love it, it does remind me, but it wasn't as bad. Anyway, the dynamic is much different than last week and the weeks prior.
He did text me about s17 tonight and tried to engage a little about what was going on over at bil. Not his typical lifestyle. But quiet outside of that.
I am not sure what will ever make a change. I mean, I guess it's a wait and see kind of thing. The days just seem so long in that regard.
Train, that story about your GF is so hilarious. I have a couple of GFs here who would totally do something like that too. And they are not in their 20th anymore, they are my age.
Mighty, there is so much going on here. I keep reading and every time I find something that I could apply to my sitch. I know about re-detaching. I’ve done it a few times, I think. Every time there was some hope or “signs”, I had to re-live the whole thing again. Only recently I started to feel different. I’m amused and surprised when H is reaching out or being nice, but I go back to my own life rather quickly. I’m sure you will get to this point at some time.
How weird is it, him talking about his work when oww works there. I’m just curious how he feels going to work these days. After he left his family, divorced his wife, had a baby with oww, and now left her too. The guy must be in some kind of bubble. Either that, or he is in survival mode and doesn’t care what everybody thinks about him right now.
Mighty, stay strong and keep moving along. (((((hugs)))))
The guy must be in some kind of bubble. Either that, or he is in survival mode and doesn't care what everybody thinks about him right now.
Both of these I think! They do not seem to have a clue about the real impact of their actions or words on others.
Mighty,
I can totally feel where you are with your situation. It is very hard when you see them almost daily from a small distance. Having your H next door makes it very tough to put any distance when you are wondering where he is or what he is doing when you don't see the car there. My youngest has me giving picking up a friend on the way to school every morning. She lives in the same apartment complex as ex. So I have to pass by her place every day. You can't help but look to see if they are there or not and wonder where they are.
Yes the days seem long. You get an ants in the pants feeling that you just want something to change. You are tired of the hurry up and wait. Problem is it is out of your control. Everyone here gets that feeling and spends time squirming in their seat waiting for something to happen. I don't feel there is anything you can do except force yourself to make a change in what you are doing to move yourself forward and get something else to focus on. I am trying to do that for myself right now.
LT, you are right on. That second paragraph describes it very well. I actually had a post last night, and before I hit submit, I deleted it. I sounded like a pathetic sap. I'm glad I deleted it. It was a down time, but I need to continue to "delete" those thoughts so I can move on.
I thing the bottom line is I am just not sure what to do with myself. I've been here, done yoga, running, working out, reading, writing, talking, sleeping, work, decorating, meditating, all sorts of stuff... but nothing is quite right. I still have this daunting emptiness. But I was better before, so.... I need to figure that out and get back to that.
I still struggle with anger. It is not in my head, it's in my body. I know that sounds weird, but I don't feel angry towards people. I mean, I don't have misguided anger. So, you would never know what's going on inside. But I can feel it, right up to my shoulders. I just don't know how to get rid of it. I feel like I need to have surgery to have it removed.
That's the frustrating thing. The fact that I just want it to go away and not feel it anymore. That I feel like I just can't figure out how to make it better. That I am just over feeling this way and want to be happy and enjoy life again.
I do. I'm not a completely miserable person, and I hate that I probably give that impression. But the quite times are daunting, but often I need to be alone.
On a more positive front... I feel good about the space. It has given me lots to think about. I have not looked out the window at all this week to see where xh is. That is huge. I am not worried at all about him being at hww. I feel nothing about it. Not my deal. I feel like, as long as he still has his mailing address and some stuff there (some of it was from my house) I can easily say.... stay away. It is just a good way for me to keep it in check. Not let my emotions steer the wheel. I can just say, as long as x than there is no y. That's just a starting point for me.
There is an obvious emptiness with this space. Already. It went so quickly, but I can't believe that it has been two months since he left hww. A lot has happened and it has been a total whirlwind.
There have been no more texts unless about kids. So yesterday I hadn't heard from him until after work. He called on his way home to see if he was supposed to p/u d13. She had a game, so it wasn't till later. He has a schedule on his desk and should know this. I know he has been busy at work, but whatev. Then he texted later to ask if s17 wanted to work out with him. He knows that is a no. S17 stopped working out with him one year ago when xh took the weights from the house. (xh used to come here and they would work out together several times a week- apparently hww was uncomfortable with that- so they have never done it again. Too bad- that also cause damage to their r).
So, he called while he was waiting for d13. He said he had been sitting there for over 30 min (since he left the gym) so he didn't have to go back to bil. He just wanted to chat. We talked for about 20 min. Then he was taking d13 to get something to eat and asked if I wanted anything. I said no thank you.
I'm going to go help my mom today. She has company coming for the weekend, and it is hard to get things ready with only one working arm. I am glad to get out of the house, but at the same time, I have to force myself. Oh man, I was always such a "people person" and now I am such an introvert. Like a hermit.
Ha. I just smiled! The thought of me being a hermit is kind of funny. OK, I am heading out. I can't wait to see how I feel when I get back. You never know. Plus the 25 mile drive alone sometimes does something to me.
I know you're not ready yet, but maybe what's missing is a date with a hot guy?
LOL. As if she'd want to date a cold guy when the time comes?
Mighty, I think you're right that you're re-detaching. Only this time in a more normal way and a lot quicker. Why? Because this time he isn't running away. Last time you had a non-ending. This time doesn't appear to be that way, and it appears to be something you need. And are doing because of that.
Regardless of what he does or doesn't do, he has his choices. You have yours. You need to make yours for YOU. And you are.
But along the way, don't be surprised if it's not "over" all of a sudden. That feeling of anger and angst in your body? Good sign there's more to go. It's covert at the moment, but it's important to deal with it. That'll kill you, no joke.
A suggestion: Listen to your needs. If you need space, take it. If you get the chance to do more meditation, do it. More exercise? Do it. It'll take time, and while you are waiting, those things will help keep you healthy.
AJ
Ellie.... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... hot guy.....
Right, AJ, I've got enough *cold* from a guy to last a lifetime!
When I left this morning, as I was pulling out, xh was arriving home at bil. I had to wait for him to pass before I pulled out. I didn't wave. Then I drove by him, and just looked in the other direction. I don't mean to be cold. I don't like that at all. I don't even do it on purpose. I just do. For whatever reason.
A couple hours later, I was still gone. Xh texted me and asked what we were up to.
No, wait. First he sent, "Hello" and that was it. I said hi. Then he asked what we were up to. I said kids were doing jobs at the house and I was still gone. He said ok.
That was that.
So as I was about to turn onto my street when I was coming home, I had to brace myself. I knew I would have to face either xh being at bil or being gone. He was gone.
It was a good reminder of why I don't want to know anything and why I don't look out my window anymore. Yuck!
But here is what I think. I was hoping that the distance would help him take a look at himself and work on some things. Maybe he will... maybe not. But, I also feel that he was definitely using my place as a place to go. He does not like being at bil, and is seeking a place. So, I think this is also why he would go from here to hww's. Maybe. And, now perhaps he will spend more time there. Well.... that's on him and nothing I can do about it. But, hopefully he will still find a way to work on him.
I feel like maybe I see that more clearly since he was looking to see if we were around and since I wasn't, he went there? I mean, truthfully I don't know where he is, but... well.... I don't know.
Maybe it is good for him to really be "stuck" at bil for him to take a good look around at where he is. Can't do it for him. If my boundaries help move him, bonus. If they don't......
If he does imply that he wants to hang around, I think I can simply let him know that if he wants to spend time with me, he will find a way. It needs to be right, and as long as he is still twisted up with that disaster, it's not happening.
It can be hard to be strong. And AJ, as you said I should listen to my needs... that can be hard. Because wants sometimes sing louder than needs. But, I need to focus on needs. Like, the big picture... what I want in the long run will come more aptly through current needs, not wants.
I am OK. I will be OK. I just wish it were stinkin' easier sometimes!
Blllaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!!!!!!
First, d13 said that while I was gone earlier xh came over and was asking a million questions like where i was, why I was at my mom's , what the plans were for today.... whatever.
Anyway, a few minutes later I was reading something and i didn't realize that d13 had called xh. All of a sudden I heard her talking on the phone for a second asking, "Where are you?" Then the convo was over. She was like UGH! to me and s17. We were confused and asked her what was wrong. She said she called xh and asked where he was. He said, "With the baby," and she hung up.
So, he is there, I just don't want to know. But, then s17 asked, "Does he go to that house to see the baby?" And, "Is he still paying for the house?" I just said, yes, he goes there, but it is best to ask those questions to his dad.
The kids were kind of annoyed, but that was the last of it.
Hww is probably saying things about d13 hanging up. She is asking why the kids dont go see the baby. She just doesn't get it.
Blah..... not even going to think about it.
But, it was a good reminder to stay strong later, when, I'm sure, I will hear from him.
He was gone.
I was hoping that the distance would help him take a look at himself and work on some things.
So, I think this is also why he would go from here to hww's. Maybe. And, now perhaps he will spend more time there.
I feel like maybe I see that more clearly since he was looking to see if we were around and since I wasn't, he went there? I mean, truthfully I don't know where he is, but... well.... I don't know.
Maybe it is good for him to really be "stuck" at bil for him to take a good look around at where he is.
If he does imply that he wants to hang around, I think I can simply let him know that if he wants to spend time with me, he will find a way.
So, he is there, I just don't want to know.
Hww is probably saying things about d13 hanging up. She is asking why the kids dont go see the baby. She just doesn't get it.
Sweetie, all of that ^^^^ is crazy making. I know its hard with him next door, but, you are going to make yourself nuts with those kinds of thoughts. I know that you are trying really hard. But until you really and truly let go, you are going to continue to go round and round.
He feels he needs to be there for the baby. It is what it is, right?
Its time for you to really believe that he needs to do this on his own. And maybe one day, his path will lead back to you and you can decide what you want. But for right now, you gotta let him go. You have to love him enough to do that..you have to love you enough to do that, too.
I know it isnt easy. I just hate to see you having these thoughts. You getting space cannot be with the hope that it makes a difference to him. It has to be for you.
I know you have been through a tsunami, but, you need to find your footing. Take some time. Figure out how to find your center. Let him go and get back on your path.
People are people, my friend. They are going to do what they are going to do. Nothing we can do to stop that. All we can do is control our actions.
Get your power back, M. You can do it.
Hey, uR. You are right. Being inside this head ain't easy! I want to let go. I hope he works things out. I do. But I am well aware I have no control over it.
And it isn't about him being with the baby. It's the fact that he is still so tangled up w HWW. And until he untangles from that... Or if he does... I don't want anything to do with it.
It would be easy for me to say that I can ignore that sitch and let him figure it out and still be around him.... But it's not good for me. And until he knows what he wants and makes good choices to make that happen... I don't want to know.
That's why I don't look or try to communicate- it makes my mind do dumb stuff.
You are so right on, uR. And I get it... Just trying to make that happen.
Did you download? It will help.
Oh! Yes. Gonna start tonight. A friend just texted and wants to come over. I will def keep you posted on progress. Thanks, heather. Xo
Mighty, I care about you. Thats where this next bit comes from. I read the words that you write, but, your actions and mindset dont really match them.
I dont pretend to know what it is like for you. I cant imagine. But I do know where you need to get to in order to feel peace. I want so much for you to get there. I believe you will.
You wrote this....
I hope he works things out. I do. But I am well aware I have no control over it.
And it isn't about him being with the baby. It's the fact that he is still so tangled up w HWW. And until he untangles from that... Or if he does... I don't want anything to do with it.
And also this...do you see how they dont line up?
I was hoping that the distance would help him take a look at himself and work on some things.
And this….
So, I think this is also why he would go from here to hww's. Maybe. And, now perhaps he will spend more time there.
And this…
I feel like maybe I see that more clearly since he was looking to see if we were around and since I wasn't, he went there? I mean, truthfully I don't know where he is, but... well.... I don't know.
Maybe it is good for him to really be "stuck" at bil for him totake a good look around at where he is.
You wrote this…
If he does imply that he wants to hang around, I think I can simply let him know that if he wants to spend time with me, he will find a way.
This ^^^^^ doesn’t jive with you letting him figure his stuff out, M.
Hww is probably saying things about d13 hanging up. She is asking why the kids dont go see the baby. She just doesn't get it.
This ^^^^ is not good for you…at all, in any way.
That's why I don't look or try to communicate- it makes my mind do dumb stuff.
Yet you are mindreading everything he is doing or saying..every text, every time his car isn’t there.
I know you want to find a way to detach. I can feel it. My fear is that you think you are, when you really aren’t. You are still very invested in his words and actions. You analyze it all. You try to figure it out. You get upset that he may be there. As I said, I get it, but I don’t want it for you, my friend.
I see you going around and around. Trying to see what things mean. Hoping that you stepping back is going to have an effect on him. That isn’t the road I want to see you take.
You have to decide, each and every day, that you are going to live your life for you and your children. You have to decide that you cannot control the outcome. You cannot control his crisis or his choices. You just cant, Mighty.
This was a journey he was meant to go on. More importantly, it was one you were. Let go of trying to understand it. Let go of looking to see where he is at on his journey. Live your life, Mighty. Fill it with things that bring you joy. We only get this one. The sooner you let go, the sooner you get to peace.
Mighty,
You wrote:
And it isn't about him being with the baby. It's the fact that he is still so tangled up w HWW. And until he untangles from that... Or if he does... I don't want anything to do with it.
Sweetie, they will always be "tangled" up because of their link as the baby's parents. Accept this as the reality. You cannot just wish this away, honey. Perhaps learn some radical acceptance of this reality which probably will solve a of your internal crazymaking chit.
I promise you that with this radical acceptance, then you'll truly and truly be detached from whatever moves XH makes such as staying at BIL's or at HWW's. What's the differnce? Just a change of location.
It will get easier Mighty. I know it did for me when I recently had detach again. There is something to be said for knowing the truth and not constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you can try and have as little contact as possible it will help. All things considered I think you are holding up just great.
Wonka if you see this post can you read my thread on Newcomers. I mentioned you when MLC came up. Thx!
Yet you are mindreading everything he is doing or saying..every text, every time his car isn’t there.
Sometimes we do things like that because of the pain caused. Kind of like PTSD. But it always keeps us un-detached (said with a French accent for effect)
Let's face it, it's easier when he's gone. When he's not there and asking about you etc.
It's hard to compartmentalize when you feel like they are breathing down your neck. I've been there. My ex lives a few blocks away with her husband. They harass me all the time, although it's been a few months this time. My fingers are crossed that it won't happen again, but who knows? What I do know is that you can detach even with him crawling all over you like that.
He made his choices. He divorced you. End of conversation. Or at least, it should have been right? But in this case, he's as confused as ever. You're not. You're just going through the process (faster) again. This time it'll be better for you.
In the meantime, keep at the meditation and gain that perspective. Keep up the exercise. Keep up the PMA.
And try not to forget your children need you. Can you imagine how they are handling this the second go-round? They are keeping it under wraps to be sure, but your daughter gave you a major clue as to what she wanted. Even money it's what your son wanted too. But they can clearly see what he is doing and know what it means to you.
They need you more than anyone else does right now, mama. Don't lose sight of that. You'll be glad you didn't.
AJ
Mighty,
AJ just hit on something I hadn't even considered: in addition to your H peeking out from his tunnel before the baby was born, he's also living right there beside you! Talk about a double-whammy!!!!!
When my H left for OW1 in 2005, he lived across the street and down three houses. I could NOT seem to detach. He eventually moved out and into an apt with OW1 in another town. And it was like: voila!!! Instant detachment. Because I couldn't see when he was home or not. Or when OW was visiting.
It made SUCH a difference!
You have no control over where XH is living.
But that helps put things into perspective, maybe, for why you feel you're possibly having a harder time detaching this time. Or right now anyway.
I have no words of wisdom or a solution per se. But sometimes it helps me, at least, to think of the potential pitfalls so I can find ways to avoid them. And I also like feeling like there's a specific REASON that maybe I'm not feeling like my old self. And then coming up with ways to avoid those triggers ...
I'm just rambling. But the fact that H is living right there really throws another monkey-wrench in your detachment efforts, I bet. Yuck!!! But like AJ said: You CAN do it. And you're a bada$s. And so you WILL.
Hey thanks, guys. Whew... big breath.
I'm doing ok. Much better today than yesterday.
AJ, your post let me breathe a sigh of relief. You get it, and I appreciate it. And, one of the things that sticks out to me is this:
He made his choices. He divorced you. End of conversation. Or at least, it should have been right? But in this case, he's as confused as ever. You're not. You're just going through the process (faster) again. This time it'll be better for you.
This sounds really stupid, but I do forget that he divorced me. I am not sure why, other than I have not truly grasped what has gone down the last year. That I knew it was wrong? That I knew he'd regret his actions? I am not sure what. But, I still feel like when he is with her, it is my husband with her, and that is what makes me crazy! OMG.... I have to realize he did divorce me. Regrets or no regrets. He isn't my husband. Typing that is so weird. I just don't feel that. I remember typing "xh" here for the first time. I remember hesitating. But, I did it to keep from confusing anyone. And, I don't think that I verbally acknowledge him as "ex" husband.
I have to accept this. After all, the marriage that we once had, will cease to exist forever. Sad. But true.
Maybe this is a reason for my difficulty dealing with everything. Why I just can't understand this as my reality. But, I'm coming around. Again. Slowly but surely.
I have set my boundaries. I have to make sure I use them. Job, you are so right on about me being a fixer. Yes, I did an awesome job last year with this. When I dropped the rope, I let it all go. Let him to figure it out.
Now, in my presence, I tend to be "helpful." I think I am just nice, by nature, but today for example, he stopped, and I offered him dinner. I need to stop doing that. He didn't have any, as he was going to work out. But, I just need to stop doing that- totally.
I have not looked out the window to see where he is. This week has been the best, overall, as far as re-detaching. I had a really productive day, but I still feel it physically. My chest and stomach are constantly heavy and in knots. No matter what. I did call the new ic today to make an appointment, but I can't get in until March.
Xh is still pretty confused. He stopped tonight to drop something off. I asked which days he wanted to see the kids. He understands my boundaries and is respecting them, but cant commit to a specific time. I know it is difficult for him bc of living arrangement and his own limbo and figuring things out. He just cant commit to anything right now. He said he'd text me. I said, I wasn't going to do that on a daily basis. But, my kids are older, so it's not like they are little kids on a schedule. It is really for me. I told him I have plans Thursday night and he could come to the house and make dinner with the kids or something. He said that was cool.
He had to drop something else off after working out (he picked something up for me), but was in a rush. I know where he was going. Trust me, it's not mind-reading. I'm not mad about it. It is a reality I have to come to grips with. It is just sad to me, I guess. Difficult. But it is what it is... and there is nothing I can to about it. It would be upsetting to me no matter where I was in the world or he was in the world. It's just hard for me. But I am getting better. I don't really put too much into it. I try to stay in my lane.
Outside of not being able to make any real decisions, I noticed something else today. It's going to sound really messed up, but there is a reason for it. He was in a really good mood and it made me uneasy. It was an all too familiar happiness...
Last year, I couldn't wait for winter to be over. Xh always seemed to get a sort of winter blues. He was very depressed last winter, right after he moved out. I was hoping spring would come and he would come back! Well, I remember him stopping by (he did all the time at this time) at the beginning of April, and he was in the best mood. But it wasn't because he was at my house. It just so happens, that was right around hww conceived. So, must have been, you know, excited about the r (they were on/off all winter- he says bc he was thinking of us and would withdrawal...).
Today, he acted just like that time period. Yikes! It's not that I don't want him happy, but it was very reminiscent.
But, I'm not going to put any more energy into it. Just an observation. I'm staying focused on me and the kids. I don't ignore him, and his behavior around me. I just kind of see where he is and move about my business.
I'm getting there... one small step at a time.
And AJ, you are right on about my kids, too. I am looking forward to doing some fun things with them soon. D13 is being inducted tomorrow to National Jr. Honor's Society. S17 is doing so well and I am so happy to have him back.
Train and AJ, I'm sorry you had to live so close while trying to detach. It just add another bit of excitement into this, right?
Hi Mighty my STBX lives just a few mins away from me in what was our house. I find that hard enough. It would be really hard having him live as close as yours does. I can relate to feeling like he's still your husband. It was 25yrsmic that told me to start calling mine my ex. I think you are doing great considering all the issues you have had to face.
Mighty,
You sound so much better. Try to remember that he not only divorced you, but he actually fired you from being his wife, lover, and companion. I noticed that when I thought of the term "fired" when I was going through this, it made it far easier for me to detach.
Yes, you do have to stop doing things for him, i.e., offers of dinner, etc. He's a big boy and he can take care of himself. After all, he is the one that walked away from a good marriage and family. He had choices and he made the wrong ones. It's okay to be civil/friendly, but you do not need to be rescuing him from himself. He's got to do that for himself.
As for the ow, well, it does sound like he was happy as a clam last spring and who knows what's going on w/him now, but I wouldn't give him or the ow space in my head rent free. You've got a lot of living to do and plenty of love to share w/others.
Mighty, you are slowly getting to the finish line. It's a one minute, one hour, one day at a time deal. Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist. When you think of him or think of doing something for him, snap that band. The sting will bring you back to reality very quickly. Unless the tasks involve your children, I'd leave him out there to twirl in the wind. You do not need this drama in your life.
Hang in there!
^^^^^^^^^^
Gold-actually platinum from Job. Hang in there, Mighty! Hugs to you:-)
Wow Job....that sure resonated with me too. Great post!
Yes Job is good with a keyboard.
Hey GB, Karma, Gwen! Hope you guys are well. Thanks for sticking with me.
Job! That was good stuff! I have a sore wrist. I've been snapping away at it.
Things are OK. I can literally feel myself getting stronger and detaching at a much quicker pace. It is actually unbelievable (to me). I don't think I would want to reread where I have been as of late. Yikes! Not a good place. Definitely not one I ever care to return to.
I have been taking things in stride. Last night I went to d13's induction (with a gathering after). Xh and I sat together (people are definitely confused- join the club... I am not only a member... I'm also the president). Of course, d13's friends parents )who are friends with hww's family) were there. But, really none of it makes me sweat. No skin off my back. And, quite frankly, the last thing I care about is what anyone thinks or says about me. I mean... if they've got time to worry about my life, what's that say about theirs? It was fine. (No one really spoke to me until xh left. Oh well, whatever) (But I do kind of feel badly for xh. I'm sure he doesn't care, like I don't, but man... I guess people see what a mess he has made. That's a lot to live with. But he will get there...)
Now, here is one funny thing. Last year, right around this time, xh told me (during a conversation) he wouldn't care if I were with someone else. I asked, wouldn't that bother you? He said he didn't know. I said, really? He said, No, it wouldn't bother me. He had conviction in his voice (along with when he said lots of things that time period!).
Not long after that, one of d13's dad's had made a comment that I was pretty. It got back to xh. Not long after that, xh was grumbling stuff about the guy. Well, he was there last night. Xh called him a creep. I asked why. He said, well as soon as he found out you were separated, he was trying to creep and and was saying things things about you. I guess maybe it did bother him.
So, when I got home later, xh truck was gone. I didn't even look at first, and not intentionally. I wasn't even thinking about it. I got out of the car and unintentionally notice it wasn't there. I didn't even let it phase me. I was talking and laughing with d13, and I just carried on doing so while going into the house.
I did, however, have some moments during the induction. The guest speaker was a grad of the school district. She was a 2009 grad, so she was in hs with hww. She looked so young and beautiful. It made me feel very old and self conscious. But, I talked myself out of it. Then, watching d13, I just thought about how old she is getting... my baby. I wonder, sometimes, if I am starting to have my own MLC! I just started to feel some anxiety or something. Right before bd, and right after I found out I wasn't going to have more kids, I came to this acceptance. My life was bout kids for so long, and I love it and wanted it to continue. But, with the realization that my life was changing as my kids were getting older, I looked forward to what was to come. Xh and I finally getting to enjoy ourselves. We had kids so young, but now we could enjoy ourselves. We were secure, had $ in the bank, yadda.
So when I saw d13, and how grown up she is, I got this overwhelming saddness. This is it for me. A few more years with my kids. Xh has a long way to go. And doing it without me makes me sad. Then, thinking he will still be in kid mode, and me... I will be alone. ALONE! I got this incredible sense of being alone for the next part of my life. I started to tear up, right there, but I pulled myself together. I said (in my crazy, mixed-up head), SHUT UP, MIGHTY. SUCK IT UP! ENJOY NOW! So I did.
Today was better than yesterday. I can feel the gradual progression. I am aware, that it isn't a linear process. I will have setbacks and downfalls. But, I'm on the move. Wherever that is...
Ya know, Mighty, you're not going to be alone unless you want to be.
You could end up with a guy who has younger kids. Or you could decide once your kids are gone to foster or adopt another.
When mine were all out of the house, I didn't have empty nest - I was kinda relieved not to have to make dinner every night, and supervise homework, and have time for ME. I was going through the divorce then.
But now, I do notice that sometimes, I'll read a story online about a needy teen and think "I could adopt them"! NOT actually something I want to do now, but I could see myself, when I'm semi-retired or retired, doing something like that.
OK, so I was doing a little reading last night. I know my focus is me now. I have an amazing support group here to help keep me focused on that.
Yet, I know there is so much documented information about the trend of mlc. What may happen, some things they go through, what may or may not be expected.
I haven't seen too much current information on the latter end of mlc in the more recent forums. I could be completely wrong...
However, there is lots of good stuff in the archives. I do need to update and read further along with the stages. I had read so much last year, and felt, not only that xh had checked off mlc behaviors, triggers, and stages as he was digging his way through the tunnel, but I hadn't gotten that far in my knowledge.
I think circumstances sent xh into.... well... I don't know... just... maybe put a damper on replay?? Reality check, perhaps?
So, when xh came flying back into my life in November, I was not prepared. That is an understatement. I was catapulted into a whirlwind of confusion, emotion, insanity... whatever... I hit it. It was unexpected. Everything I learned got away from me. My knowledge of mlc did not reach that far.
I don't want that to happen again. I know that it set me back. Big time. So I need to know. It will not be a distraction of my own goals and journey. It is to prepare myself for the unexpected. I know that things I learn may or may not happen, but I would hate to be thrown into another battlefield without proper armor and training.
What I did find last night was a thread which was pretty interesting. "The Final Stages... Withdrawal to acceptance"
OH- wait! I know I have said recently that the actions and behaviors of xh recently are quite reminiscent of the ones he showed while transitioning out of this r (and unfortunately into the dreaded one). Well, it so happens that it was actually around this time last year. It is weird to experience this again, the same behaviors right around the same time. It makes me uncomfortable. I am not sure what it means, or if it means anything. But, I just don't want it to last too long. I dreaded it last year and reliving it again is terrible. But, I am stronger and wiser. And, now I know I will be fine without him.
OK, back... rewind... thread I found.
Originally Posted By: Snodderly
Also, while this reconnecting is going on, many of us will begin to feel anxious and the need to begin applying pressure towards them, i.e, in making a decision as to returing home. You must find it in your heart and dig very deep to keep your expectations at zero no matter what. They must not sense that you are anxious for them to make a decision. If they sense being pressured, they will run hard and fast right back into the mlc tunnel and it will even take longer for them to feel safe to try again. You must keep your body language in calm and continue to treat them as a friend. This stage can usually last up to a year or longer, depending upon the individual. It goes hand in hand w/acceptance. Once they gradually re-enter reality, and into your life, return home and take up living again, it will take another 6-9 months (approximately) for them to actually feel safe in their skins.
This comes from the TMAK reconnection thread and again explains what the LBS'er must do during this time.
This is all for a "normal" withdrawal and reconnection process.
I would think for most MLC'ers this would be the advice to follow by the LBS.
Part of the problem is that it is such a SLOW process that many LBS'ers become impatient and want to DO something to push the MLC'er through the tunnel. They will only come out when they are ready no sooner.
^^^ Yeah, about that. I don't think that I was really pressuring, per se... but I was trying to figure things out and wrap my head around what happened. Again... I was a mess.
HB wrote the 6 stages this is an excerpt from withdrawal stage
Originally Posted By: Heart Blessing from 6 stages
During this time, they will NOT communicate with ANYONE, not even their spouse, as they are drawn so far within, no one can reach them. They MUST be allowed to continue, with NO interruptions, just like before-they will NOT come out until they are READY to come out.
Just like in Depression, they want to left alone, still processing their issues and the damage they have done to their spouse and their lives, and they make several decisions during this time concerning their lives, job, and marriage. But those WON'T be known UNTIL they break Withdrawal and talk to their spouse the first time
They are still secretive, somewhat asserting their privacy, much like a teen-ager, but during this time, they must be gently but firmly led along, and only when the time is right-a wrong word at the wrong time will cause them to "stick" within the tunnel.
What cadet quoted is a contradiction of the instructions that HB originally wrote. See bold highlighted above. You only follow the contradiction when the MLC'er is STUCK in the tunnel during WITHDRAWAL STAGE.
If you do it at some other time when they are not stuck you risk driving them deeper into the tunnel.
This is why this is a difficult concept to grasp.
IB for you this is information to file away for possible future use, it is not something that you want to think about now.
You are reading up on advanced MLC class. Do not try this at home without parental supervision. LOL!
I hope that clears up what we are writing about. Just to further clariy. Upsides H is stuck in withdrawal and needs to be led home by the LBS'er just the way HB wrote in the original 6 stages. But the leading is a little bit different than everything else that we have learned. I guess it is part of basic DB'ing - "Do what works".
What I know is this..
Xh was very withdrawn while at hww's (what he told me). He would sit in the basement alone. Wouldn't participate in things with them... yadda. He eventually came back to me so emotional and apologetic. Saying things like, it was the biggest mistake of his life, it was terrible being there when he knew he loved me, he knows what is important now... the whole gamut.
Then, things became increasingly tense, and quickly, as hww was due the next month. So, he was dealing with her and her craziness and the pressure of the baby (not to mention the question of paternity). He was (and is still) tangled up financially and legally. With that, it sent me into a hurricane of emotions. Every. Single. One. I was up, down, all around. (And that was within three hours! HA!)
Holidays came. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. The baby was less than a week after. Everything has seemed to change.
He has unexpected feelings about the baby. Insurmountably guilt. No steady home (despite two mortgages). All the while, the possibility of job loss due to major cuts in his company. And, with that, trying to re-establish a r with his teenage children- one of which was flying hard and fast down the wrong path.
Oh, yes, and we musn't forget, that during this, only about a week after leaving hww, xh's father became very ill. He almost didn't make it. Had to be rushed by Mercy Flight into immediate surgery and was transferred to different hospitals.
These, my friends, are some of the factors which result in replay (and the trials of life combined)!
Me, and my own insecurities and craziness... I just need to step off. I need to know that whatever happens will happen. I will be OK. There is nothing I can do to change his process, other than make it worse.
I am also remembering the mindset which I had once I gained after bd. That if he wants to be in my life, he will find a way to make it happen. I often wonder if that's what I want. Or is it fear of rejection which sometimes drives me. My insecurities get the best of me, which have been my biggest downfall.
But I find confidence, now, thinking about these things. I can't stand what he did to me. I am not the one who needs to fix that. I need to fix me. But, I am not going to do THAT work for him. Not his mistakes. I have to forgive. I have to let that go. No matter what. I cannot walk around for the rest of my life carrying the weight of this damage. But I am worth the effort. I don't know that he has it in him. Maybe he doesn't want to. And that is OK. It would never work any other way. I just simply can't be the force to do all the work. I have lots to do. But, so does he.
I know I want to be happy. I want a healthy r. I want to be strong. I don't want to be dependent on anyone for things I can get/do myself. A relationship should be a compliment of each other, not an entitlement of what is deserved.
I will keep reading some of the older stuff. It is very helpful to me at this time. I will continue to post things here about it too. I feel it is helpful to my journey, and possibly, to someone else's too.
Hey Ellie. You and I think a lot alike in that way. (Your last post). I look forward to a little reprieve... and then I think...
I am such a dummy. I get so side-tracked! I just posted this above, but had forgotten where I was headed with it...
What I know is this..
Xh was very withdrawn while at hww's (what he told me). He would sit in the basement alone. Wouldn't participate in things with them... yadda. He eventually came back to me so emotional and apologetic. Saying things like, it was the biggest mistake of his life, it was terrible being there when he knew he loved me, he knows what is important now... the whole gamut.
Then, things became increasingly tense, and quickly, as hww was due the next month. So, he was dealing with her and her craziness and the pressure of the baby (not to mention the question of paternity). He was (and is still) tangled up financially and legally. With that, it sent me into a hurricane of emotions. Every. Single. One. I was up, down, all around. (And that was within three hours! HA!)
Holidays came. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. The baby was less than a week after. Everything has seemed to change.
He has unexpected feelings about the baby. Insurmountably guilt. No steady home (despite two mortgages). All the while, the possibility of job loss due to major cuts in his company. And, with that, trying to re-establish a r with his teenage children- one of which was flying hard and fast down the wrong path.
Oh, yes, and we musn't forget, that during this, only about a week after leaving hww, xh's father became very ill. He almost didn't make it. Had to be rushed by Mercy Flight into immediate surgery and was transferred to different hospitals.
OK, since all of this has happened (it's been a little over 3 weeks since baby was born and a little over 2 months since he reached out to me expressing regret, then left hww), he has taken some major steps back.
He said he wished he hadn't told me all the stuff he had. He said he meant it, but he spoke too soon.
He also said that he is not even thinking about a r now- with anyone. *** I read this last night, that it was typical of MLCer at this point (whatever "stage" he is in) to not think at all of a r. I seemed to have misplaced this info... I will continue to look. But that is exactly what xh has expressed.
I know I misconstrued his actions and words as confusion as to which family he should be with (could be possible), which is why I asked him if he was thinking of going back. He said he couldn't say. To me, I was floored! I said, "but you painted a picture of unhappiness and misery. You said you were totally miserable there." He said, "I was." I said, "Then why don't you know?" He expressed that he does not know what he is doing and isn't thinking about that at all.
OK, NO Friggin pressure! Back off. And that's what I've done. (But is was my insecurities and rejection with nerve endings exposed.)
The info to me was helpful because, although he may be considering returning there, not returning here, whatever, it made it clear that it is possible that he truly can't even think of any of that at this point. Stepping back and looking at it from a more objective point of view has helped me realize this. I see all he is trying to process - while processing through mlc mind - and I can step away to let that process happen.
Yes
He needs space and time.
You figure out what you need and focus on your kids.
I hate the emotional roller coaster get off ASAP
Mighty,
WHO ARE YOU? I'm dying. You are absolutely cracking me up. "I'm not only the President, I'm also a member". Can I just hang out with you, please?
You are one of the most verbally charismatic beings I have ever known. I have this mental image of you typing your posts here....sparks flying from your fingers... Gorgeous flowing hair waving into your face until you push it or flip it out of your eyes...all the while talking to yourself....wait, no....ARGUING with yourself as you get your thoughts out of your head and in front of your face. You're the coolest thing ever.
^^^ That chick there is freaking awesome. And happens to be going thru he!!. Keep reminding yourself it's not going to be this way forever.
You're a star, Mighty. An incredibly brilliant woman with a golden heart, and you're hysterically funny. Sooooooo....smart, funny, gorgeous....the trifecta. You have everything going for you, and you'll see it again one day.
The only way through this is through it. You WILL get there.
Keep going, Mighty. You sound so driven. Outside of reading, etc....what things have you planned for yourself? Anything fun lately?
You are one of the most verbally charismatic beings I have ever known. I have this mental image of you typing your posts here....sparks flying from your fingers... Gorgeous flowing hair waving into your face until you push it or flip it out of your eyes...all the while talking to yourself....wait, no....ARGUING with yourself as you get your thoughts out of your head and in front of your face. You're the coolest thing ever.
OMG, Shining! Your mental image is so accurate! Wow- spot on, girl! Like, Miss Cleo-type psychic abilities!
Awwww... but thank you... you are so sweet. I'm just trying to keep up with you, my dear! BTW... I have tried that contact you told me to do... and it ain't workin!
Outside of reading, etc....what things have you planned for yourself? Anything fun lately?
Check this out, boo...
I hung with a friend last weekend, lots of laughs. Going out with the girls tomorrow. It's the chocolate and wine night downtown! These are a few of my favorite things!! (In my best Julie Andrews voice... which sounds... nothing like Julie Andrews).
I am hoping to meet up with Heather soon. I know she has a lot going on now, too. But it might be a good break for both of us.
I wanted to take the kids ice skating this weekend (Hellur.. you know where I live and I've never taken them! Bad momma!) But they informed me tonight they aren't down with it.
Looking to possibly take a short trip with the kids in February. Have a lot going on with work, busy with kids things. But, feeling good about getting back into gal. I struggled (again) for awhile with gal. This week- I'm feeling it.
Mmmm hmmmm... livin like a rock star. I'm gonna need to seriously consider slowing down soon. Not.
I'm SOOOOOO glad to read those plans, my dear....atta girl!!!
The other thing if you search ShiningDB no spaces try that.
You are a rockstar. Never forget it.
It is all so confusing trying to make sense out of their nonsense Mighty. It makes our heads spin. That's why keeping a safe distance away is important. Otherwise we are just going round and round with them.
My kids are all grown and out of the house now. We have great relationships and I see them about once a week. You have lots still to look forward to.
Hi Mighty,
I feel the best thing you can do is sit back and continue to work on yourself. If you put pressure on him and Nasty "B" (AKA OW) put pressure on him he will probably implode. Its a given that "NB" is and will put a great deal of pressure on him. If you don't and appear to be the calm, cool, and rational person, then who will he gravitate towards? My guess is "NB" will drive him away with all the pressure she will put on him. Time is on your side.
You know, Mighty, I hate to say it, but I think this was a false reconciliation. He felt oppressed by his impending fatherhood and the fact that the grass wasn't greener (and maybe was fighting with HWW) so he came to you and said all those nice things.
Now the baby is here, he's bonding with her, and you can bet HWW is doing her darnedest to reel him back in - and apparently it's working. He's starting to retract some of his statements etc.
It doesn't mean I'm right for sure, but I'd be prepared for him to go back to HWW at least once.
(btw, if he does - GET OUT THERE and LIVE. Let him worry about you going dancing with other men etc. Doesn't mean you have to or should date, but it's often amazing how their minds clear once they see their spouse has moved on.)
Mighty,
I agree 100% w/what kml wrote. One thing for sure...get out there and live your life to the fullest. Life is far too short to sit around waiting to see if that old pot is going to bubble and boil over.
Mighty, I have been thinking along the lines of what KML wrote. He isnt baked yet..and I think he is still pretty uncooked. If I were you, I would be prepared for anything.
That's why you need to let him go. I mean really and truly. I know you are trying. I think you think you are a bit further along than you actually are, though.
I know this has been a freakin whirlwind for you. Here's the thing. There is peace on the other side. Once you can really leave him to his journey and continue taking yours, you are getting closer to it.
Once you can see that you have no control over the outcome, you are getting closer.
When you know, without a single doubt that you will be ok; when you embrace that he has a long way to go and you have a life to live; when you can accept what is you will be closer.
Mighty, he is a mess. Thats the truth of it. You need to get out of the way of it so you dont get any of it on you.
I know its so hard. You have been with him your whole life. Built a family, a home, a business with him. And you wonder what the heck happened.
A crisis hit. He is swirling in it. He tried to bring you into the vortex because he wanted the spinning to stop. But it doesnt work that way.
The only way it works if for him to go through it. The only way it works for you is for you to let him.
Live your life. Enjoy your kids. Find you. Get good and strong. Feet firmly planted. Your center solid.
Then, one day, if he has done the work and he wants back in, you make a decision based not on fear or familiarity but on strength.
We need an applause button for posts like that!!!!!
I agree. Great post!
=D>
I tried
Hey sweetie...just checking on you. Hope you are doing ok.
Hey. Things are not good. They are better in the sense that I can handle- not good situations- much better. But, not good, because.... well... MLC svcks.
And, you guys are probably right. It looks like xh may very well go back. When I read HB's "Awakening" and what it describes- it is spot on. Including the fact that the awakening is actually a temporary clearing before they go back into the fog. And at that point, it also describes xh right on.
I have noticed that the past, maybe, two weeks there have been some significant changes. Like withdrawal/depression type behavior. Since he has come around, I had noticed that the ever so present anger of the past was gone. Now, he is becoming increasingly irritable. Last night was the first time I've been around him, really, for a little while. I noticed his behavior was way off. He was a little short and frustrated. But, I realized that it had nothing to do with me, so I blew it off. He would not look me in the eye at all. And, pretty much left with saying good bye to the kids only- he took off from me.
Now, I am wondering if it is because he is just going through some of the processes, but more so, I am wondering if something else is going on.
Last week, his communication was much less. I got one "good morning" and no real "good nights" which I was getting on a routine basis previously.
Thursday, I went out and xh came here to be with the kids. He texted me at 9:30 and said he was going home and was tired. I texted him that I would be there in a little while. he said it was bedtime and how tired he was. I noticed when I arrived home about 45 min later that the room he stays in was all lit up with lights- but whatever. I have just noticed that he always says he is so tired and has to go to sleep, but when he is at hww's he is late all the time. Just an observation I've made over the past few weeks.
Then, on Friday, d13 had a game. He called me after work (the game was just starting) and said that he couldn't make it because he thought he was coming down with the flu. (He sounded fine).
Saturday, he did not come home. I was in and out all afternoon and right into the evening. So, of course, it was right in my face that he wasn't home. On Sunday- he still wasn't home. Now, this time I looked in the morning. I mean, I just had to know. I have to know if this is happening so I am not caught so off guard as I have been in the past. I know he does not have the b@lls to tell me what's going on. He came back around 11:30 in the morning (which, last year, if he ever stayed here, he would RUN out at like 7AM- not to mention the time he did recently, too.) But, whatever. (and why would he spend the night with a newborn if he has the flu)
I talked myself up all day. I have not been letting it get to me too much. I remind myself that if that's what he wants, then he will continue to be as happy as he has been- not very.
So yesterday evening, he texted me and asked if I minded if he came over to watch the game. It took me a little bit to answer. I was thinking about saying that if he had stayed there- then no way. I don't want to ask, but I want to let him know that I am not a door mat, either. So, this has been tough. I decided that I would take the high road. No expectations, no neediness, right, Shining?!
I did, and I was really proud of myself. No drama at all. We actually hardly talked. But, I had a good time, laughed with s17 and was pretty normal. Xh did not stay the whole game, of course. I did see him on his phone... grrrrrr... but I am not going down that road again. I will not let him get the best of me. Heck- if he WANTS the best of me, all he would have to do is put some effort into it!
And that was that. Usually after he leaves, he will text me thanks and good night, but silence.
He did mention something about the taxes last night. I know it's probably a mess for him bc of the divorce, business, and buying a new house with hww, etc. But, he was telling me how we would do it with the business, and when I asked a question is when he became irritable.
I thought about it this morning, and I don't like OR trust how he is doing it. And it dawned on me that he did all the finalizing of selling everything (the week he moved into the house with hww) and (OMG- I just realized something! I think he totally screwed me!) UGH... I just feel like he is hiding something... well... that's what I was feeling, and now I think I may know. I think he probably turned his profit into the closing of his house bc then he won't have to pay the tax on it like I do!
So this morning, I texted him at like 8:30 about the taxes bc I kind of disagreed with what he was saying. He never responded. All friggin day. Then this evening I just said that I am not sure what I've done. It's ridiculous that he is now ignoring me. I wanted to make an appointment today, and I am not going to let him take advantage of me. Last year, I trusted him with this= only to find out a week later what was really going on and that he is totally untrustworthy.
Ugh, now I'm frustrated about that. But I'm not going to get too excited, because if I've learned anything, it's that it's not worth getting too bent out of shape for. It will eventually not be that big of a deal. Only what I let it become. However, I'm not going to just lay down.
So, here we are tonight... he is gone again. Assuming that he is there again for the night.
But I can't imagine that he is too happy, seeing the way he is behaving. Unless it is just around me.
He started a new position at work, and it is very overwhelming for him right now. He is really good at doing what he is doing- very good. But, I think it is taking a toll.
When I talked to him Thursday while he was at work (hasn't happened in awhile) and asked a question about the kitchen, he got very agitated and short and said he can't talk about it and he is at work and he would get really flustered. ( I have NEVER heard him talk like that- EVER! I have never heard him say he would ever get flustered!)
He has backed way off with helping with the house. Said that I have money to do it (which I don't).
He has been gone a lot (I really have no idea if he has been staying there more, because I haven't been looking until it was in my face on Saturday- so maybe this has been going on).
His dad is back in the hospital. Before he was going 100 MPH to be with him and to reconnect with him. Now, he said that he hasn't gone and really doesn't know his dad's conditions bc he doesn't have time.
He no longer contacts the kids directly. He will just text me a generic question and ask what they are doing or how they are.
He spends much less time with them. Lots more with the baby (I presume).
Irritable. Not himself. Stressed.
If he is staying there to take care of the baby so hww can sleep- it's a joke. He is "so tired" and can't be with his kids and has to work in the morning. She doesn't. And he never got up with either of my kids. But, I don't even care.
The kids and I rented a movie tonight. It was funny and we laughed. I though how lucky I was to be with them. How unfortunate that he is missing out on the last few years (months for s17) of his kids's being young and at home. S17 graduates in a few months. He has 18 years with that baby... and only a few more months with s17 (in that child capacity). He has already missed more than the last year. And I had this thought that I won't miss anymore days either bc I am down in the dumps. I've missed days bc of that, too. I will no longer let it bring me down to that level. I think I have moved beyond that. Will I have down times- for sure. In fact, right now is not so hot. I didn't know what to do, so I am posting and feel better. But, knowing he is probably there again for the night... and I'm OK, tells me I have bridged a gap.
Also, his tune bout hww has changed too. He said a little over a week ago that he wouldn't have been with her if he didn't respect her. I said, well then you don't respect me, because if you did, you wouldn't have been with her.
He is so close to the situation that he does not see the big picture. I'm not sweating her anymore. But it is so sad to see him so pathetic when it comes to her. It is such a turn-off. She has always controlled and manipulated him. Which is crazy knowing the kind of person he is- let alone her age. But, he really does not see it. So sad. He did for awhile and said he had blinders on, and said he saw what I did and expressed those things to me. I think the blinders have returned. Baby blinders. It's put her in a different light. But, once the baby gets older, I'm sure the baby blinders will fall off. Apparently they did when it comes to me! And I had double his babies than her.
Wow. That was a ramble.
I guess the stress is dealing with me. Since he "wouldn't do that" to me again and he has my back and knows what is important and knows what he wants and that he has always loved me and always imagined us growing old together and he was not happy with her and knew it wasn't right and made the biggest mistake of his life and will do whatever it takes to make things right and he just wants his family back, and on and on and on... well the stress comes from the fact that he has to eat his words, right?
That now, he has to do this again. So, he is handling it the only way he knows how. Like a coward. Running and hiding. Angry and shady. Dishonest and disrespectful.
I know I keep saying it feel like last year... his actions are just like last year. Just like it. Only this time, I know who or what is involve. I feel like I am at the same place- but stronger. I know what I'm dealing with. I know I can move on. I am just mad that I had to be put back to square one- again. And that this is happening- again. Right when I was really moving along.
And I feel so used now. Hww thought right at the beginning that xh would fix his r with the kids and come back. Looks like she is now working her devilish magic. And now she has the sweet spot, to boot!
But, I'm not going to be use. He will not use my house as a spot to hang with the kids. He put himself in this position. Forget him. My kids are going to be so mad. I feel like maybe he is waiting for s17 to graduate then move back in with hww. OMG, what a jack @ss. In the meantime spend several nights a week there? Seriously!?
It's frustrating. I don't know exactly how to handle it. Other than just say, you are no longer allowed on my turf. And that's that. The friendship is over. Bye.
Mighty,
The MLCer that is your H has gone back to the tunnel and will be there for a while. Nothing to do with being dishonest or disrespectful. He.Just.Cannot.Handle.Stress.At.All.
When you wrote that he couldn't look in your eye, this sets alarm bells ringing in my head that he probably got intimate with OW only fairly recently. (I know this because I did this stuff back in my college days :o)Couldn't look you in the eye because he knows in his head that he sort of promised that he'd return to the family and then got sucked in by OW and her baby.
This has ZERO correlation to you. Trust me on this. H is under so much pressure from the OW and the baby that something had to give. Guess what that was? Yup. You and his other kids.
I would not ban H from coming around the house as it is the only avenue that he gets to see the kids. My suggestion for the next time H texts you asking about the kids, "H, why don't you ask them directly yourself. You know where to reach them."
However, you are within your right to not allow H to sleep at your house overnight as he lost that privliege to do so.
This is what I was thinking Wonka. And the fact that he is gone tonight.... well... I just want off this $hit mobile. I just typed something up. I guess ending everything. I just can't do this anymore! I don't want to be silent. I don't want to be still. I want to move along. And if there was a possibility of r in the future- it is gone if he is staying there. Forget it! I guess I could send the letter tomorrow. I am pretty sure that's what I want, but i just dont want to be crazy.
Atta girl, Mighty. You're figuring out what you need to do. And I'm so glad the evening watching the game was drama free, your expectations were zero, and you carried on with your biz.
Nice to read you claiming your 'turf' back. Once we get used ... Some of us over and over... We do reach that limit and finally claim what's ours.
Interesting about the taxes... Glad to see you're no longer taking his word at face value.
This whole whirlwind comeback leave again stuff is beyond outrageous. Good to hear things are back on track and great with the kiddos, and you're laughing, and enjoying them. Yep. He's missing out. Too bad for him.
Oh, Wonka, you made me think, too. I think the kids have less expectations than me! It was like a month ago after xh was here all the time, and he didn't one day, and d13 asked where he was. I said I didn't know. She was used to him being here all the time, and the second he wasn't- she noticed and hasn't mentioned it again. It's like the kids haven't missed a beat- like he was never around for that time.
s17 never says anything, and acts like he prefers xh is not around. I encourage him and remind him he will have a good time, which he does, but he carries much doubt still. I think they know more about this process than me!
Thanks, Shining!
I'm so tired of the... blah!
Now I'm afraid of the dark. I'm ok now, but it's late and I have to be up in a few hours. I am afraid to turn off my light and lay my head down. I am afraid the thoughts will start to torment me.
It's like my brain is walking through a land mine. I am totally ok right now. Right here. I'm safe. One slight move...
Mighty this is not fair to you. You are spinning. Think about what you want. What are your dreams.
I read something once that I always try and remember, "don't let someone rent space in your head"
Mighty - these fake reconciliations - an extreme form of touch and go, are among the most hurtful aspects of MLC. I am so sorry that you are going through it. It may not help to know that many of us here have one or more of these, except that we understand your pain, and as Job says, it can be more hurtful when they pull away into the tunnel the second time. Except of course that we know what MLC is and we do bounce back quicker.
They do not know what they want. Let your xh deal with your children and keep as distant as you can from him and his drama. Dealing with MLCers is crazy making.
Above all take care of yourself, and stop monitoring what he is doing completely - this includes 'happening to notice'
They are nuts, and not good to be around right now.
I'm so sorry Mighty. I know how much it hurts.
What comforts me a little is knowing that, had I accepted what he was giving...I would have been accepting so much less than I deserve.
In my case, the kids were heartbroken, but acted as if they were fine and expected it all along. Afterwards, they really stopped expecting much of anything from their father.
Take really good care of you right now, so you can be there for the kids. :-)
I agree w/Wonka. Mlcers can't handle stress, nor can they handle being around sick or dying individuals. It's too much for them to handle and their emotional banks going into over load and what do they do? They run right back down into the rabbit hole, hoping that things will resolve themselves before they peek out of the hole once again. To us it looks dishonest and disrespectful, but to them it's called "survival mode". They have to regroup those emotional banks to handle some of the stressors.
The not looking in your eye is called guilt. He has done something that he knows was wrong, i.e., just like the little boy who takes a cookie from the cookie jar after you have told him no and then you catch him.
Your children are old enough to have conversations w/their father on their own. I agree that the next time he inquires about them, suggest that he ring them up, text and/or email them. If they wish to speak w/him, so be it. Time for him to realize that you aren't going to be the go between all of the time. As for him coming to your home to visit the children, it's okay, but I wouldn't make this a habit. Especially offering him dinner or having his favorite foods around. He's a big boy and between him and the children, they should also be able to come up w/activities that they can do together outside your home. While he's there, you do not need to feel that you have to be in the same room w/him. If you have things to do, do them. If you have errands to run, run them. He's your new sitter! Use that time wisely and do something nice for yourself.
As for him sleeping over....he lost that privilege a while ago. I would allow him to do so unless you are out of town.
Please take care of yourself. The last few months have been an emotional coaster for you because of the way things have gone down. I wish that there was something I could do to make it better for you.
I have nothing to add. Just wanted to do this: (((Mighty)))
Edit:
Next to last paragraph:
"As for him sleeping over...he lost that privilege a while ago. I would not allow him to do so, unless you are out of town and require an adult to watch the children."
Ok, so you guys are all right and I'm a big fat idiot.
I was coming downstairs this morning while it was still dark & headlights flashed on me right through the window. It was xh pulling in next door. I couldn't believe I saw that. I started shaking and got so upset seeing him come home early in the morning. My adrenaline kept me up all night and I didn't sleep for one minute.
I called him to get it straight. He ignored and I called back. I asked what was up w him staying there. (I was actually calm and said good morning).He played it like it was no big deal like, so.... But kind of tripping over words of nothing. I asked if they were getting back together. He said it hasn't been decided yet. So I said, oh, so it's been discussed. Again... Blubber blubber. I said, you've been sleeping with her. And the anger started to show and Tried to deflect. So I said, so that's a yes. Silence.
Evident.
I said that I see he was using me to see the kids and is going back when s17 graduates? He said when s17 is good (which he is).
I reminded him that he told me he'd never do this to me again. He said there was too much damage.
So- I'm damaged goods. He damaged me- us- and can't put forth effort to fix it. So- the easy thing? Jump in the sack w her.
Why he is getting back into that when he's "not focused on a r right now" is beyond me. But, she knows what she is doing. He's clueless. And looking for easy-peasy. Well, easy she is.
And I'm not worth it to him.
So. Suck it up, right.
Rejected yet again. Old damaged family traded for a new. A fresh start. While I go it alone.
I don't know why I am shocked that he didn't come and talk to me. Again. That he did it the exact same way. That he shows no concern that it is right in front of me. I am angry at myself for believing there was hope.
And from him is now silence.
My poor kids. He looked right at d13 and told her he would never go back there. Ugh. She is going to have trust issues. So am I!
Been here- I know I can do this. But it I am tired of it.
I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. I can't believe this is happening this way again.
Maybe I could laugh it off at this point. But I am so hurt and so pi$$ed.
Not even a discussion.
I feel like he will regret this again.
Oh Mighty- I'm so sorry to see where things are right now. Anger is helpful to propel you forward and remind you of your worth- use it to do that for you and not let him take advantage.
I know it's so hard not to run over there and shake him! Asking him questions though- doesn't help either. He's answering you with the feeling of the moment- that's all he has. No depth until he works on himself. I get it- I tried to do the same thing. To "reach" the old H I knew somewhere in there. But it doesn't work- he's buried in baggage and has to dig is own way out.
You are not damaged goods- you are an amazing person and mother getting the $hitty end of an MLCer deal. Don't let him take away any of the amazing person you are! You can do this- focus on time with your kids. Let him spin on his own- it's the only way to survive this.
Sending hugs!!!
Mighty,
You've had a lot tossed at you...but there is one thing you need to remember... you are divorced and he fired you as his wife. Right now, Plan A is the ow and you are Plan B. He truly doesn't know what is going to happen and until it happens. I know this sounds harsh, but you've got to lower those expectations to zero at all times. He's not cooked and he's sucking the life out of you and drawing you into his drama each and every day.
He's not going to tell you much of what he's doing because he no longer is accountable to you except for the children. I know that accepting that you are divorce is difficult, but you've got to let him go so that he can find out what he truly wants. Hopefully he'll figure that out, but he's got to lose everything before he will realize that he had everything he wanted right there w/you and the children.
Please, please let him go. Please keep the focus on you and your children. Please take care of yourself.
1) High road. High road. High road. Stick to it.
2) It's ok to gently plant some seeds of doubt. You can (calmly) tell him he's always going to regret leaving you, a loyal loving woman, and he won't be happy when he sees you with a new man. You can also tell him that iF HWW would cheat WITH him, she'll also cheat ON him, and he'd better watch his back (he of course, will say she would never do that - but t6rust me, it'll stick in the back of his head, especially with the age difference!).
3) You can also tell him that it's one thing to ditch you again, but he CANNOT ditch his kids again and he is causing them irreparable harm if he doesn't start putting a hell of a lot more energy into his relationships with them. Tell him you expect him to man up and be the father they deserve.
Then - go on with your life. Seriously. Get out and socialize. Go on a few dates (but keep it hidden from your kids, they don't need to know this yet). Take the kids away for a fun weekend trip.
Oh - and get some tax advice before you start talking to him more about the taxes. I'm not sure what you're talking about, but if he sold a property you jointly owned as an investment and claimed the homeowner's tax exemption for a home he lived in, he does NOT meet IRS rules (you have to have lived in that home for 3 out of the last 5 years in order to take the homeowners exemption). Not sure how that would negatively impact you, but see a tax specialist before you talk to H more about it. Get your facts first.
Oh Mighty, this is like in twilight zone. What a selfish j!rk. I like kml's idea about planting seeds.
Hang in there. ((((( hugs)))))
Hey guys. Loooooooonnnggg day. I didn't sleep one minute last night. I was like a zombie today, because I just cant seem to grasp what has happend- yet again.
I feel like my sitch is the THE NEVER ENDING STORY... and I just want to get out!
I am not going to go do d13's game tonight. It's a bit of drive, through the crazy amounts of snow, and I am so tired, it won't be good.
This morning, I texted xh. I was so out of it. I just said that I cant believe that I allowed him to do this to me again and some things along those lines. He actually read my text right away this time (unlike ignoring for hours on end like the other day). No response, as expected.
I told him this morning on the phone not to step foot into my house. I actually told him a while back that if he got back with hww that I could no longer be in his life. That the (ahem) damage they two of them cause together would be too much. That I would choose to have nothing to do with him. And told him that it is easier and reminded him that I had done it before. I really mean this. It has caused so much damage to me and my family that I just want nothing to do with it.
And during a conversation we were talking about communication. I admitted that I preferred not to hear from him at all. That I didn't like it and wanted to be left alone. He was so surprised by this. I am finding that in a weird way, he actually like the drama- even though he can't stand it and can't handle it. But... I can't explain it. I also said this morning that I can't deal with the high school drama in his life (a reason why I told him to stay out of my house).
He picks up s17 in the mornings now, (probably why he even bothered go to bil this morning) and always comes in and gets coffee. I asked s17 if he came in today. S17 said no, he waited in the truck. So, at least he knows I'm not messing around.
In a way, I wonder if he wanted it to go down. Since he doesn't have the b@lls to say anything- and has no idea what the heck he is doing. It is easier if I just see him doing it and get upset, then he can just go back to her much easier than actually having a discussion with me.
OMG, so I just got a text from him. (He has a cold sore (got it on Friday, which is why I was surprised he spend the night with hww on Saturday- probably got it from her). He gets so freaked out by them. Usually would take off time from work bc he gets so embarrassed by them.) Now, he has not missed work- can't new position, I presume.
But he just texted me that he isn't going to d13's game tonight with the cold sore. Why did he feel compelled to tell me? Whatever. I'm not going to respond to that. Or any nonsense. I feel myself, in this aspect, working on memory. Auto-pilot, for sure. I can so easily cut that crap out. That part is down like military training.
But daring is right, I do want to shake him. Like, seriously!
I think here is a big part of why I'm upset:
First, his proclamation of love for me and desire to repair our relationship and family.
I had to wait bc she was pregnant.
Then I had to wait for paternity.
Then I had to wait for him to bond with the baby.
Then I had to wait bc he was focusing on all the kids and not a r.
I have been waiting. All the while... she hasn't and it has been bout that sitch over there. And, while its not about the r- they are restarting a r.
OK, then.
And, I am damaged... yet this has been determined all while I have waited for all of the above and dealing with and processing everything that was happening, what had happened, and all from a different perspective- like starting from scratch.
So, what effort was put into me or a r. None.
I was thinking about the pursuit/distance thing today.
The way xh is now, is exactly like he was last year (with a few bonuses). He is broken, a mess, and confused. Depressed.
And, just like last year when he said he needed time- I gave it to him. This year was the same. I respected that.
Now, in the past, I was the pursuer. He was the distancer (in his own needy way). When dbing- I stopped pursuing. Dropped the rope. And hww was a serious pursuer.
This time around, he is the same broken, depressed, confused guy. I did not pursue. I needed for him to work for it. Hww pursued through the whole thing.
I did not get intimate with xh. I wanted him to be better, to be stronger, and to start out... whatever it may be on more solid ground.
Hww has a history of not caring about that. So, again, he's a sucker. Pretty pathetic, but what do I know?
Honestly, I'm not sweating her at all. She is the least of my worries. I have such a different outlook now. My hurt is my hurt. And it is between xh and me. Mostly me.
And during a conversation we were talking about communication. I admitted that I preferred not to hear from him at all. That I didn't like it and wanted to be left alone. He was so surprised by this.
By this I mean we were talking about our communication (or lack there of) during the summer/fall months. Even though I went a few months without actually speaking to him, and hardly responded to any of his communication- he was surprised! Clueless.
Mighty,
I'm so sorry you are having a time of it. The best thing to do is to leave him to his mess. You can't rescue him and you can talk to him about the relationship and how you feel until the cows come home. He's saying the right words, but his actions are saying something else. He can't have his cake and eat it too.
If you told him not to step into your house, then you will need to stick to that boundary. Whatever boundaries you make, stick to them and no changing them up just because you become a softie because of something he tells you.
He's torn between two lives. He's not going to make a decision about which one because he confused and stressed. He doesn't know which life he wants, but he's got to make a decision and the best way for him to do that is one of you needs to step outside the boxing ring and let him figure it out. Mighty, step outside the ring and give him all of the time and space he needs to figure things out.
Don't be angry w/yourself or him. Both of you are in a whirlwind and I have seen this happen to others. They say they want to reconcile and then it becomes a waiting game for this or that. Why? Because if Plan A (ow) doesn't work out, they know that Plan B (you) will be there for them. I'm not saying this is what is going on w/your xh, but many of them do this. If he truly wanted to reconcile and actually work on the relationship w/you, he would be doing it. Sure, he could visit the baby and accept responsibility for the child, but that doesn't mean spending the night over there or jumping when she says how high. Your man is still a teenager and hasn't quite figured out that he needs to make some mature decisions.
As for the cold sore, he's looking for sympathy and wants you to say something to make him feel better. I wouldn't acknowledge the cold sore. He's a big boy and the cold sore will go away when it's ready. You do realize that it may have come about due to stress? He's trying to get your attention and the only way to do it is to tell you he's not going to D13's game and that is the silliest thing to stay way because of a cold sore. Poor thing, vanity runs deep.
Any way, please take care of yourself. You will be okay once you get your balance back.
Thanks, job. I agree with you. If he wanted to work it out, he would be working to do so. I don't know what the heck he wants from me- and I don't think he does either. Security would be my best guess.
But, he has been playing that card over there far too long. And now, being taken to another level- again. I will definitely stick to that boundary.
We already talked about his cold sore and that it is from stress. I was thinking more along the lines of him giving that as an excuse to go to hww's instead of d13's game. Like he missed the last one.
Here we go again. Not me. I have a much better idea of what I'm working with. I still hate it, I am sick of it, but I guess I know the drill. Well.... I'm a slow learner. Of course MY sitch is different, right? Not.
Thanks, job- and everyone who posted to me earlier, too. Man, you guys have seen me through it!
You might mention that he should not be around the baby so as to avoid giving the baby the herpes virus associated with his cold sore. Just sayin'.
Mighty,
Right now, he's just not baked and no one knows what he is thinking and what he's going to do. In fact, he doesn't know himself. He's a really confused individual who feels cornered and knows that he's got some difficult decisions to make. It's sad when you think about it...he had a really nice life and then it was blown to bits and now other things have been tossed into the mix. I do hope that one day, he'll settle down and make the right decision as to what he wants to do w/the rest of his life and who he wants to share it with.
Mighty, we are all family and that's what family does...support each other. We are here for you and your family 24/7.
Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish I could say I'm surprised by his actions, but, the truth is, I'm not.
He wasnt done, M. He was scared. Very scared. He came back to what was familiar, what he knows.
You being you, wanted to help him. The thing of it is, that you cant. You really cant. There are no magic words and no actions you can take that is going to change the fact that he is still in crisis.
He is going to do more damage before this is all done, M. How much you allow is up to you.
As long as you are invested as you are right now, its going to be alot.
You are allowing his words and actions to affect yours. You let him push you off your path.
He isnt capable of more than what he is doing right now. That isnt a free pass because he has to own his actions. Its just the way it is.
I see you trying to make boundaries. The thing about them is they have to be for you. They cannot be punitive. YOu cannot waiver. If you do, he will cross them again and again. When you make one, you have to be sure you are willing to die on that hill.
If it were me, the coming in for coffee, making himself at home and sleeping over would need to stop.
Your children are old enough to arrange time with him. He dosent need to go through you for any of that.
You need to take care of you right now, M. You are the only one who could do that.
You trying to figure out why he is back with her and what he is doing is going to make you crazy because it doesnt matter why. It really doesnt.
He is deep in the tunnel spinning away and you are letting him take you with him.
Dont. You have all the power here. You get to decide how you are going to act. You get to decide what you will allow and what you wont. You get to figure out what you need in order to be whole and at peace.
It's time to really and truly let him go. That means you allow him to live his life and his choices and you do the same. It means that he has to figure out his mess on his own without any input or help from you.
Leave him to blow in the wind right now, M. You take care of you.
Hi mighty,
So sorry to here what is going down. Believe me I also just want to shake my stbxw often! I hate to say it but I did try and warn you this was a big possibility. In fact, I'm not surprised by it. You knew better than to pursue, hww never stopped. He may say how much he "hates" it but he's actually addicted to it! It makes him feel wanted and like he isn't the a$$hole he deep inside knows he is.
When he was with hww he felt the "pressure" so ran from it. He ran to the familiar, you and family he has hurt so badly. Then of course he started to feel the pressure there and what did he do? Ran back to hww. You are not damaged HE IS! Stop thinking anything he says matters because you can't believe a word.
At least you know now he isn't close to ready to have any kind of healthy r with anyone. Hang in there. You will be fine and know what you need to do.
uR- you are right. I can move back to the place I was in October. That's were I need to be now. I had to set a boundary in the fall for xh to stay out of my house. He would come in when I wasn't home- NEVER near my house when I was home. That's just a boundary I had to set. He didn't come near after nuke, but he did once in like August or September. No, buddy.
And, for the record, he really hasn't stayed at my house. Once for sure, maybe twice? He has been staying at hww's. Nothing I can do about that.
He is totally capable of making arrangement with the kids. I'm out. I could go through the check list of things- out, out, out.
But, I am back. Backwards. Again. And I know I wont sleep. Wont eat. Ugh. You know. I am mentally stronger than I was. I mean, I know I will regroup much faster. But, my body is taking a beating. I feel it all inside.
Crap. I feel so weak compared to others here. People pick themselves up so much better. This is like eternal torture. Am I making this worse than it is?
Hey Matt. Thanks. You are right. And he is so broken right now. He has a very long way to go. In the meantime... I will get back on my horse. Back on my path. You know... travel down...The Road Not Taken (poetry to fit my entire life!). He is running, and running, and running... HEY! He's Forest Gump!
Quote from xh... using Tom Hanks's voice.
That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going.
Crap. I feel so weak compared to others here. People pick themselves up so much better. This is like eternal torture. Am I making this worse than it is?
Ummm....Mighty? Reality check? Your husband didn't just have an affair. He had an affair, lied to you about it while letting you think you were working on the marriage, got her knocked up, divorced you, bought a new house with her, neglected your children, came back and told you EVERYTHING you wanted to hear and then acted on NONE of it, had his child with HWW and is now sleeping with her again and was too lame to tell you, and is now neglecting your kids again.
WHAT part of this makes you think other people have it worse??? Really??? I dare you to find 5 stories here that are worse. You got walloped with the whole enchilada moving very fast, and then walloped again. Mopst of us get a little more notice, or it moves a little slower so we have more time to adjust.
I think you're doing just fine given the circumstances. I'm going to give you my mantra, the one that got me through when my ex finally left (after his affair, our reconciliation, and him leaving several years later after a repeat crisis) - LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.
Once I let go, my hair stopped falling out, I slept better, my life got better, gorgeous sexy men started falling into my lap, my finances improved.
Your life WILL GET BETTER - in fact, at some point you're going to be shaking your head that you ever let yourself get so sucked into this telenovela. Just let go. Make yourself a storyboard collage of all the great things yopu wish for in your life and start focusing on that fabulous future - it will be here soon!
Um, Mighty, what KML said. I am surprised you arent in a hospital. I mean, really, thats a whole lotta cr@p right there.
I dont want this for you. I dont want you sick and not sleeping. The worst has happened, right?
The thing is that you allowed yourself some expectations. I get why you did. He was saying and doing what you longed to hear. So much so that you werent really concentrating on what you werent hearing from him. Not really.
But all of that doesnt matter. What matters is you. What matters is that you know how strong you are. You made it through all of that stuff.
So, you lost your way a bit. It has happened to all of us. Our hearts sometimes lead instead of our head or our gut.
You know what you know now. The details really arent important. The only thing you need to know is that he isnt done yet and that he isnt going to be truthful.
With that knowledge, you can reset your path. Find your center, M. Hold on tight.
You are going to be ok no matter what happens. Better than ok.
The sooner you get to acceptance, the sooner you do what you need to do.
You can do this. We are right here.
Thanks Ellie. Love the mantra! I should tatoo it to my forearm.
And the first paragraph.... Hmmmm.... Sweet, sweet perspective.
Yeah, great reminder to keep him faaaaar away from me.
In fact, the early bed-timer is still up.
Just got a text. "Mighty I know it means nothing but it breaks my heart you are hurting."
Oh blow it out your wazoo. I remember getting one quite similar a few months ago. It means nothing. I suppose this is him saying, I'm sorry I am going back to her and have been a coward.
How does he know what I'm feeling. I do know he stayed home tonight. Yup- I looked. But I also hung w s17 tonight. We had a good time.
But, for some reason, when d13 got home she told me something that has been bothering her about her dad. Last week on the thurs I went out and he came here, he picked her up from practice.
When the baby was born, we decided to tell them the baby was here and they are free to ask questions whenever they wanted. They had individual control santo how they wanted to handle that r. Neither kid wanted to know gender or anything. And haven't really talked about it since. It's not a hush, hush thing. They just have enough going on. In fact d13's question to xh was if he was ever going to go back to hww. He said no. Never.
Well, anyway.... Thurs night when d13 got into the truck and he said. Hey, do you want to see a picture of your sister? She said no. And it's not my sister.
But that's his way of telling her she isn't the only daughter. I know HWW has asked why they don't want to see her and makes out like something wrong with my kids.
But, apparent he is trying to work d13. I knew he would bc he is anticipating s17 upcoming graduation... So he can take d13 there with his new family.
Ugh. That was last week. His wheels have been turning.
And really... The text...he is such a coward. Leave me alone!
Thanks uR. The rejection.. Blind sided... Again.
I am not sure exactly the source of pain now. Too tired. But I will find it and heal that. I can't drift anymore. Tired of it. But, I'm tired of the hardwork to get knocked back around- thrown in for another round.
I know... Part of the process. So ready for a steady upswing.
Mighty, I cannot say any more than what was already said here by others. The only thing I know is that he keeps sucking you into his mess. I also know how hard it is to resist the thoughts and feelings that come with that. Considering all this cr@p that is going on, I think you are doing remarkably well.
I’m sure hww is pulling her “magic” on xh. I’m also sure it is more calculations and manipulations on her part than feelings. You have feelings. She doesn’t. It is hard to compete. She is probably the best she can be right now, trying to woo him back. It is going to change. As soon as she feels comfortable, she will go back to her usual selfish self. And xh will be running again…
Not that this matters for you right now. You do need to separate yourself from it. It would be great if you could go somewhere for the weekend. I wish you would be close, so we could do something together.
Hope you are having a good night of sleep. Thinking of you
Hi Mighty,
You have to stop being the moth going to the flame. One of these days you are going to burn up. You are spending too much emotional effort focusing on what you think he is trying to do.
But, apparent he is trying to work d13. I knew he would bc he is anticipating s17 upcoming graduation... So he can take d13 there with his new family.
You are assuming what he is doing. This type of stuff will eat you up.
Myself and others are learning from what you are going through. We can see how careful you have to be when an MLCer reaches out to you. How burned you can be if they run back into the tunnel. How slow you have to be in reacting and accepting their first steps out into the real world again.
Maybe it would help for you to put yourself in the third person role and read through your own posts. Read it, see it, and learn from it. It will help you through this period and make you even mightier.
Mighty,
I just wrote this great post. I'm pretty sure it was the best post ever written on these boards. I pushed a button or something and it's gone.
To sum up:
Catching up on your thread.
-If you're an idiot, then I'm an idiot. And, I'm not an idiot.
-I got sucked in again last week and the week before.
-It's human to want a happy ending for you and your kids after so much pain and rejection. It makes sense. When in pain, we want relief and he came riding onto the scene with his white steed and seemed, maybe?, willing to put things right. We were willing to take the risk again. Who would turn that away? Especially when you are stressed, rejected, humiliated, overwrought with grief?? Seriously? The man you married took a brief sabbatical from crazy and showed up on your doorstep.
-It's not what it seems. When I had my awakening after Smokey's brief and false reconciliation...I had a moment where I realized I was dealing with a teenager. I was every ounce the 40+ woman that I am and he was a child. He couldn't handle grown up problems. He ran again when it became uncomfortable or looked like more fun elsewhere. It's very, very childish when you think about it...On the one hand...a marriage which will require a lot of work to fix, two children who are broken-hearted and need a lot of work to mend vs. newborn baby and the call of "easy." We all know that it won't be easy because we are grown ups. And, we aren't in such a fog that we can't see him throwing away the good for more bad. That's on him.
When the Titanic sank, it was because the situation outside the boat, was able to get inside the boat. When the water and ice made it inside the boat, things went bad and fast.
Don't allow his situation just outside of your home to sink your ship.
Try looking at this from a different angle. What if his coming back would've set you up for something less than God has in store for you? What if God has these huge blessings in store and He wants you to move through the uncomfortable to get to the other side. What if you have loads to accomplish and blessings to reap, just through this dark forest?
I've been doing this...Consider your ex as someone on a dating site. Shelf your history with this man for a moment.
In the fine print it says, under his name, xx cheated on his wife...got another woman pregnant...history of lying and immaturity...abandoned two teenage kids...bought a house around the corner from his wife and children with the OW. May not have any balls at this time and may never grow any.
Would you pick him?-the person you are? Unless it was in a line up? Or for a firing squad?
What if his betrayal is the thing that God wants you to move past to reach the blessings? Who would Jesus be without Judas? Maybe we need these "troubled" individuals for the lessons they teach or the bigger picture...but, not for the happy ending we are imagining with them...maybe an even happier ending??
What if there's someone in my future who is freaking awesome and actually shows my kids what a good man really looks like?
It could be Smokey...but, he will have to part the Red Sea at this point to prove it.
One more thing...when you feel down, dig deep to see how much is sadness and how much is anger. I tend to confuse the two and get depressed when I'm actually really pi$$ed off at how I've been treated.
Mighty,
I would have responded:
"You have a lot to answer to your OWN children who are hurting by your selfish actions. IT's all on you and something you will need to live with for the rest of your life. Yeah, I am hurting for MY children. You're losing A LOT by your very selfish actions."
Swat the darn ball back at his court!
Wow Heather- that was an epic post and one I copied for future reference. I think I'm going to write my STBX dating profile to make me see more clearly too!
I digress- Mighty that text is all about his guilt and shame- I got lots of those too. Whatever is the right way to think about it. He wants you to be your sweet forgiving self and assuage his guilt. Just let him be! Go be awesome, rocking it Mighty!
Mighty do YOU
Stay focus on YOU
Ignore his texts unless it something about the kids you need to respond to.
You are stronger, stronger than most woman would be in this same situation.
Mighty, I dont agree that you should answer his text. That's what he wants...to engage you. He is trying to make sure you are right there in case things go south again. And right now, he knows you are. That's the truth of it.
Look, you had hope. You saw some signs. He said some things that you wanted to hear. The fact that you wanted to believe him isnt because of a lacking in you.
The thing is that he never recommitted to you. So, really, while you can be sad and angry at how he handled it all, the reality is that you arent married. He never said he was coming home to work on the marriage.
Im not giving him a free pass at all because he knew exactly what he was doing. Keeping you on the hook while exploring his options. He was scared and didnt know where to turn. The idea that it really was his baby freaked him. out.
So, enough about him. He is who is right now. I dont care about him. I care about you and you are spinning. I get why you are but I dont want to see it continue.
You need to forgive yourself for believing him. You need to get it out of your head that he can act with honesty. You need to accept the fact that for now he has chosen what he has because he can.
Does it succk what he did and how he did it? Yea..big time.
But you dont have to let this define your life. You get to choose what kind of life you want.
The only way for you to do that is to accept that he made choices. You dont have to agree with them or like them. You just have to accept he has a right to them.
When you get to acceptance...that's when all the good stuff happens. It says..I love you and understand that you have to do this, but, I am going to be over here living my life.
And then, Mighty....live it. Just live it.
The road to peace starts with acceptance and ends with forgiveness. In between is a whole bunch of stuff that you will learn about you.
You are strong, capable, funny and smart. You are insightful, a good mother, witty and worthy. Dont allow him to take anything else from you. Not one single thing.
He isnt worthy of you...and she does not matter. At all. In any way. She just doesnt.
Your kids are watching closely. Trust me on that. They see things you dont think they see.
Show them you, M. Show them what you are made of. Show them that when life tries to kick your buttt, you dont let it.
All of this, is on him. His relationship with his kids, the financial stuff, the new baby...all of it is his mess. Leave him to figure it out or not. Not your problem any longer.
You figure out, Mighty. Find her. Honor her.
OK, so the support here is unbelievably overwhelming. Your words are amazing an true. And, oddly enough, I hear them more clearly. I know that seems weird, because I have always valued the advice here. That's why I come. But, now, I guess I just get it. Like, I'm absorbing in in my whole body or something. Without doubt or denial. Reservations or excuses. Things that may have been playing an undercover role in me. Maybe undercover to me, but no one else.
Xh jumped in and he jumped in hard. When he came back, I had to keep putting the breaks on. Right away he was talking about moving back in. Selling the house and getting a different one. Looking at family vacations. Doing things and changing things around the house. Talking about our future like it was a for sure thing. All of our old plans were being revived. It was crazy. I was a little taken back. I would try to slow it down. I was hesitant. And, would tell him he needed time alone and he should get an apartment. Yet, it gave me hope. I believed he was in. That I could count on him. I am sure I became messy. I think in a way, I wanted him to hurt. And I think I wanted to show him my hurt so he could repair it for me (terribly, I know- just want others to learn. I didn't even know that was happening). He couldn't do that. Obviously. So, I probably blew it. But, I think I did some things right, too. Took things slowly (comparatively to him). I was very supportive. I was accepting. I think I handled the baby sitch well. Whatever... honestly... it is too painful to look back at it. I really feel like I screwed up. I mean, I know he is super messed up, but I wonder if I had handled things differently.....
But, really, a fair shot wasn't even given. At all. Puke. The whole thing is so dumb.
So, it appears as he jumped just as quickly with hww. He went fast and furious. I didn't have a second to prepare myself. It happened right in front of me and I didn't even see it.
But anyway... moving on. My feelings are different this time around. The betrayal... him... not her. We all know her. Who and what she is. I expect nothing less. I don't even care an ounce about her (unless it comes to my kids).
Do I like who he is now and who he is becoming? Nope. Not at all.
I just don't have the energy for any of that mess anymore. I have to grieve the loss. Things that get me are the fact that, now, i know that it is forever done. That I won't have my husband again. That we won't spend evenings together. No holidays, no sharing a bed, no laughing together, no kids events together, no vacations, no coffee or wine, no nights out, no nights in, no more working together, no more sharing the day, no support during hard times... my husband is gone. And I had him within my grasp.... or so I thought.
And the rejection again is difficult. A little deeper because he is choosing her over me again. Like he was right in leaving the first time. I thought he was unhappy with her, I felt it, and he said he was, and he knew I knew. But, he went back to that, over me. That's tough.
But, I am more resilient this go around. I am ok. I will be OK. I am not looking forward to getting out there... like ever... for someone else. I am lonely, and don't want to go it alone anymore, but I don't want to be with anyone either. I know, so complex, I am.
I mean, seriously. What a freaking disaster this guy is. This put-together, intelligent guy is a calamity. I will stay far away from that.
I did not respond to the text last night. It was just a dumb thing that means nothing. Just like he said, "I know this means nothing to you..." Uh- right. It doesn't.
However, today I emailed him. I just had to put it all out there. In the past, I didn't send it. I kept my feelings all in the past year. This time, I just had to release it. It wasn't for him. It was totally for me. And it felt good. But I am done. I said what I needed to say.
Tonight he texted me and asked when he has to pick up d13. I responded a little while later. "I am not sure. I just dropped her off. You will have to communicate with her about this. I am no longer doing this."
And he actually responded, "OK. I think its at 7."
Yeah, OK, buddy. Whatever.
He can go do whatever he needs to do. I'm not sweating it. I have down times where I know I will feel the sadness. I will get angry. But i am not letting him ruin any more days.
So, I guess overall, I'm OK. You guys are amazing. I'm OK. I will get there.
I think I need to start a new thread....
It's so hard Mighty when they draw you in and then push back. Really it's emotional abuse...so hard! Who can blame you for being hopeful. What I have learned is you cannot trust them. You have to protect yourself.
Frigg! I would rather be alone than put up with all that confusing BS. Life is too short. Make plans, book a holiday .....live...Mighty you can do it
To be honnest if he has to go faster than your pace, then it's not cool. He didn't stick around he couldn't slow it down to a real pace.
Therefore it wasn't so real to him. These things take time, I'm getting that now. Still doesn't mean I've learnt to wait! Lol
I'm still hoke pokeing and my h is done.
Mighty
When you start your new thread, try to make it all about YOU and your kids.
I would love to hear about all the things you are doing for you and your kids.
Take a XH total break!!!!
Your name MIGHTY, your strength is there inside, you knew it is.
And to be selfish I need to read posts about LBS moving forward, I hope its motivate me to detach more...
So what are your plans for this weekend?