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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2506970#Post2506970So I arrive home from work H and S14 leaving in car, S14 stops to say Hello to me, we speak and I speak to H and I go into house.
Phone rings H wants to know my plans for dinner , I tell him I planned to add some meat to left over sides, H wants to go out to dinner,,
Said he would be right back they had already left street, he calls from s14 phone and is on speaker..
I call back to H cell and tell him they are already out and to just go on to eat dinner,,H says he does not think s14 would like that. to eat dinner without me..
SO if I had just been a little later getting home they would have been gone without inviting me.
Now that s14 has seen I'm home H feels like he must invite me out to dinner with them?
GAMES,,,H is toooo old to be playing games.
H could have made it a father and son thing, just them hanging out eating and talking!!!!
But listen up ladies, I quickly changed out of "work clothes" put on best fitting jeans, cute top, banging heels made sure to fix hair put on lipstick,,and I'm ready to roll....let the games begin!!!
I'm glad you opted to go. Your son may have wanted you to go along just because he's still trying to figure things out. At least your son has manners if he was the one that wanted you to go along.
No one knows what really goes on in the minds of the mlcers...but they do love to play games. So, let's see how the games play out in the near future.
I hope you enjoyed the evening meal.
We had a great dinner with lots of laughs and talking, they were "ganging" up on me, I was the "butt of the jokes" but I loved it.
After dinner we had "family time movie" S14 feel asleep. after movie I went to get ready for bed, s14 went to bed.
H invited me to come back and watch TV with him and have a latenight cocktail. I did and we had a nice time, just general conversation.
H hinted that He also wanted me to go to dinner with them, but I could tell he did not want to admit to that?
H had on everything I got for him for christma: pants,shoes, cologne..just an observation. I told him he looked very nice, he smiled and said thank you (smiles from him to me have been few and far between). And honestly REAL smiles from me to him have been few and way far between. And I caught myself smiling last night...
BUT don't get it twisted, I know to look and watch for small steps and appreciate those, but I know we still have a very long way to go.
I enjoyed last night but I will leave it at that!
2BHappy, sounds like a great night! I'm glad it went well
I enjoyed last night but I will leave it at that!
Excellent! Enjoy it for what it was: a good time. No more, no less.
So... what kind of GAL's are you doing the next few days?
GAL's for next few days= ?
I dont have anything planned for this week just for me other then focusing on myself a little more, asking myself what do I need to do for me today?
Wounded your GAL questions,,,I feel like you are referring to deeper things then outings with friends? I know I've asked this before?
GAL of losing this extra weight this year!!
GAL of taking time to "stop and smell the roses".
GAL's monthly outing with girlfriends.
GAL of doing some home updates (yes this is for me, things I want to learn how to do)
1 GAL trip planning in process for my birthday.
2 trips planning in process for s14 and I (H will be invited with no expectations).
Wounded your GAL questions,,,I feel like you are referring to deeper things then outings with friends? I know I've asked this before?
Just keeping you in check, I don't want your mind to begin to wander, because you hadn't been doing them.
Tell me about the home update GAL?
Home updates= refinish kitchen cabinets and all wood inside doors, repair or replace a couple of closets doors (continue to come off track), paint inside garage, after deck is repaired, paint the deck. Some of these things will involved s14 and maybe H, but most I plan to do myself, weekend warrior:)
I have GAL planned monthly with friends some months each weekend, in March my bday month, I did something every weekend last year and really enjoyed it and will do the same this March.
Daily GAL= LOVE MYSELF, and let my actions and thoughts prove that. Take better care of myself mentally and physically.
2B I love your daily GAL goal- love ourselves and let our actions and thoughts prove it. What a wonderful way to keep the focus!
Sounds like you are doing well and out of the funk you were in before. I'm glad to see that. Keep going forward you are doing awesome!!
SO for the longest in our R my H LOVED for us to match clothes when we went out or had company. It was cute early in our R but got real old to me really quick.
This has not been requested in a long long time even before BD (probably due to my attitude when he did request with the "I'm wearing this do you have anything to match it".
So anyway today on his off day he has invited some friends over for dinner...
I come home from work, and go to change my clothes, H has on camo jeans and a tshirt...he ask me if Im putting on my camo jeans and a tshirt, now mind you our camo jeans are different colors camo and I dont have the same tshirt, but he has a 2nd tshirt that is too little for him (thank GOD I can wear it) same as his pretty much and wants me to wear it with my camo jeans...
So briefly I ask H well what about my other jeans,,he says naw they dont fit you as well...DUH they fit the same,,anyway
I will put on my camo jeans AND the non matching tshirt, I figure its only clothes, we are at home and these are some of his friends (I know them but its his male friend and his son)
Maybe he is peeking out of the tunnel, or maybe he is testing me to see if I'm still there?
Either way,,it will not kill me to not match and he ask, so I will wear this outfit he has selected so WE can match in camo jeans and tshirts.
I wonder if S14 will have to wear his camo jeans and a tshirt for dinner?
Do you have one of those doorbells in the deer butts on the porch?
(just popped into my head when you mentioned the camo..)
No one knows what really goes on in the minds of the mlcers...but they do love to play games. So, let's see how the games play out in the near future.
They are a trip to say the least. But the thing is, you can't know if it's a game or not. You can't know if it's "crisis" or not. Until you show up and see for yourself. I would imagine if they tried to re-emerge, that it would look "odd" and be confusing for a while, until somebody decides to be "present".
Can be painful or it can be exciting. I'm glad to see you're opting to go along with it. I think that's a great play!
AJ
AJM
Camo Jeans and Tshirt for dinner with guests. LOL
I went along we had a great dinner with guests.
I don't know what is going on or where my H is in his journey. I just try to be a better person each day and work on my issues, GAL and make the best decisions I can make at that moment in time.
This is not easy living with my H, but I know life will not always be easy.
Im trying to be patient and as long as my H does not have another OW, with EA or PA I will continue trying for now.
AJM
Camo Jeans and Tshirt for dinner with guests. LOL
I went along we had a great dinner with guests.
I don't know what is going on or where my H is in his journey. I just try to be a better person each day and work on my issues, GAL and make the best decisions I can make at that moment in time.
This is not easy living with my H, but I know life will not always be easy.
Im trying to be patient and as long as my H does not have another OW, with EA or PA I will continue trying for now.
I see you have an age gap relationship with the hubby 8 or 9 years older. So in this sitch it looks like he is the one who stepped out first. Normally its the younger one.
Has your age gap presented you any problems?
Age gap has never been an issue for me. I think I prefer older men.
You mention its usually younger one who steps out? I did not think age matter when it comes to cheating?
Age gap has never been an issue for me. I think I prefer older men.
You mention its usually younger one who steps out? I did not think age matter when it comes to cheating?
Age does not matter. What it is though the situation of 10 years age gaps and more.
The trend is the younger thinks they are missing out due to living closer to the older's likes.
Out at local pub last night with friends.
Was told by friends husband that his friends ask about me and he has to keep telling them im married.
Then a guy approached me and when i told him i was married he said if i had on my ring he would know.
i took off my ring cause it reminded me that i was married to a man who was no longer sure about being married to me.
but really i have no intentions of not honoring my marriage vows.
I may start wearing my ring in certain situations.
Coming here to vent
H made a BIG deal out of spending yesterday with family, did not allow s14 to go hang with friends said he adjusted his OT work day to go in 3rd shift to spend time with us..ok Great we had a nice day
H tried to have sex, I did not want a quicky so did not happen, H got a lil bother, but I told him dont get mad cause Im asking for more, for what I want.
So fast forward to later when H is getting ready for work...he is late but does not seem bother by that,,so I start to wonder IF he was really going to work
3rd shift 1030-630am, so this morning I notice that his work shoes are still here (he has other that he can wear but the boots he normally wear are home), I think I see the work sweatshirt both of them at home (but not sure how many he has) he wears a uniform of certain pants and a tshirt or sweatshirt .
H calls me on my cell and work number at 7ish am but I dont answer either cause I feel like I would have blurted out questions like
why did I see your work boots and sweatshirt at home, why did you not see to rush to be on time last night and did you really work last night.
yes I wonder if he was with a new or the old OW?
for some reason when he is home and we spend time together I get all in my feelings.
I'm also nervous about next month valentines day which is when I found out about OW last year.
It will be 2years BD soon, and I'm needing and wanting more, getting very tired of riding this MLC train...a train that at times seem to be going nowhere...
Sorry, been gone on a two week work trip, just got caught up.
H tried to have sex, I did not want a quicky so did not happen, H got a lil bother, but I told him dont get mad cause Im asking for more, for what I want.
So, I get the part of being a little less available. But as a guy... doing what you did stings, not just a little, but a lot.
By no means am I suggesting you just be submissive and "open up" at his beck and call. But is there some middle ground there? Instead of a flat out rejection and moving into "I am asking for more"?
Let me ask you this: Did it make him closer? Or further?
Hey wounded,,,welcome back
Im sure it did NOT help move him closer...but I just was not in the mood for a quicky, just was not. My mind went to if you want me make time for it. I could have enjoyed myself, then later maybe mention would have like to have more time...
H just called again and said I called you earlier to ask you a question about s14. I lied and said I did not see the calls...
He ask his question, we talked about my upcoming trip to see sister in law (H's sister), I nicely ask him if he was tired from 3rd shift and how was it, H said it was easy shift and he was tired but would be ok...I told him to have a great day.
Hey wounded,,,welcome back
Good to be back, ty!
Im sure it did NOT help move him closer...but I just was not in the mood for a quicky, just was not. My mind went to if you want me make time for it. I could have enjoyed myself, then later maybe mention would have like to have more time...
Oh, I get it (the not in the mood part)... but think of the other things that can be done to "show interest" for later.
(I will keep it PG, but think of just simple touching/contact without... um... hmmm... I guess "full service").
It can resolve things for the moment while leaving the door open for later. Plus there is the added bonus of desiring and thinking about that person the entire shift.
Yeah i agree.
I was in the mood but did not want a quicky...
But I see your point. Preview of upcoming attractions
DR book - each time I read it I learn or the light bulb goes off again.
I was reading the letters sent in, and it REALLY REALLY hit home about how when I with held sex for what ever reason how it really was affecting in a BIG negative way my M. I see my H in how he responds to everything when we were/are being initmate on a regular basis. I see how the difference in our sex drives affected our M. And add on my being a WAS for years= alot of damage.
Now Im not saying this is why my M is where it is now, but I know it did not help. I also dont know if this is affecting my H now and the way he "feels" about our M.
I just know this is something I have to work on..
I've heard everyone for years talk about how important sex is in a R. Even my Pastor speaks on intimacty and how important it is.
And I know my H always feels like it is very important.
But its like it just really really clicked in my brain.
WOW
My plan is to initiate more (which I had started to do, but then pulled back) and not just sex but touch, compliments etc to my H, just lil ones here and there and watch his response, if he shy away I will know its not time.
ALSO my Weight, in the DR book it mention how YES being attractive or not to your H/W can affect a M, I know my H has had issues with my weight over the years.
But that is something Im working on for ME, but another benefit is it could help my M.
I also can tell my H is having some issues maybe testerone is now lower and or the blood pressure meds or just getting older...but I think my compliments (instead of thinking them) could help if he is having some self esteem issues about the changes his body is going thru.
What are you thoughts on this? Please chime in..is this far off, and I thinking about this correctly?
DR book - each time I read it I learn or the light bulb goes off again.
Now, I hope you see why I am a huge advocate of constantly re-reading this!
I was reading the letters sent in, and it REALLY REALLY hit home about how when I with held sex for what ever reason how it really was affecting in a BIG negative way my M. I see my H in how he responds to everything when we were/are being initmate on a regular basis. I see how the difference in our sex drives affected our M. And add on my being a WAS for years= alot of damage.
I think that is a reasonable conclusion. I have no real advice/ideas to give, but I think its a start that you recognize it.
I also dont know if this is affecting my H now and the way he "feels" about our M.
It is probably playing a part, thats why consistent changes in "good" behaviors need to be long term changes.
But its like it just really really clicked in my brain.
WOW
YES! I had the exact same epiphany at a point in my situation. I described it as the old cartoon characters coming up with an idea (the animated light bulb in the thought cloud)
My plan is to initiate more (which I had started to do, but then pulled back) and not just sex but touch, compliments etc to my H, just lil ones here and there and watch his response, if he shy away I will know its not time.
Good, use this as a place to experiment and monitor.
I know my H has had issues with my weight over the years.
Don't overthink this, while it may be a small consideration of attraction, it is just that... very small
I also can tell my H is having some issues maybe testerone is now lower and or the blood pressure meds or just getting older...but I think my compliments (instead of thinking them) could help if he is having some self esteem issues about the changes his body is going thru.
Yea, I am not to that point in my life (yet). But don't let it be a barrier to intimacy.
What are you thoughts on this? Please chime in..is this far off, and I thinking about this correctly?
I think you are right on the money. But don't think of this as the issue, but it most likely plays a big part.
I just wanted to point out 1 thing DB AND lots of prayers has helped me with...
I use to love getting dressed up, and or making sure I looked my best when even just sitting around the house. But I allowed life and others needs to get in the way, putting everyone else first made me BITTER, ANGRY and probably not a person anyone would want to be around...
So when I started to GAL and taking care of me, I started caring about how I looked again. I got new PJ's and clothes, stop waiting to wear new clothes until I had someplace to go..etc Included getting my hair done in my budget (replace money wasted on fast foods)
Anyway loving myself, taking care of myself feels GREAT and this is something I will not stop doing and all started from DBing.
So just a reminder, even if M or R is not saved, Im a better person, smiling, handling situations better then ever.
Have a great weekend!!!
GAL like crazy!!!!
So it way past time to have our rings checked for ins purposes at the jewelry if checked every 6 months if we lose a diamond they replace repair for free plus they polish out scratches
so I was going to ask here if I should ask my H for the ring to get check or take from his hiding place get checked and put it back.
So the bag where he was hiding his ring was not in our closet so I checked his car trunk. The bag was there but could not find the ring.
also in the trunk was clothes from the dry
Cleaners along with an overnight bag that had towel washcloth and some pj pants. The other smaller bag had toiletries.
Interesting...
So the towel washcloth i can try to explain away when he is mandated to work OT he sometimes showers at work.
The Pj could be there from his last trip to his hometown.
But these could be items for meeting OW at a hotel.
There were also stuff from stores in bags for like car cleaning supplies, sweater with tags on it...and then a bunch of just junk.
So now thoughts of possible A or still same OW are in my head.
I know I snooped and this is not good but if something is going on I want to know. But I also know if my H is having an A it will come out eventually.
Do I just let the whole ring thing go, or ask him for ring to get checked or just take my ring in?
And do I just erase my mind from the items in trunk and stay on my path?
You could remind him about the ring insurance and just casually mention that you are taking your ring in for inspection. Then ask if he would like you take his. Sometimes, in order to get answers, you have go about asking in a different manner. Watch his body language when you mention that you are taking your ring in for inspection. That should tell you if he still has the ring or not.
As for the things in the trunk. I don't think I'd mention them. To him, it looks like you were snooping and didn't trust him. If you continue to sit quietly, the answers will come. They always tell on themselves at some point.
I can relate to coming across things and wondering what it is about. My H has bags of oddball stuff here and there. He has a blanket in his truck. I have seen a towel in there. I have seen other strange things in his room. At one point, I saw a cruise line brochure tucked under his bed with scissors. He had cut out the word epic....
I had to stop trying to make sense of this stuff because I believed my imagination was much much worse than the truth. Only because sometimes I have gotten the answers, and they were not what I was thinking. Plus, we all know most of what they do and say makes no sense. It's just the way it is.
I also believe the truth will come out, on its own.
Job
I reminded him about our ring ins, with a quick "its been a while since the rings have been checked so I'm taking mine today,,,do you want me to take yours...
I then left the room so quick I could not see his body language, and he did not verbally say anything.
Before he left for work we talked about our son, talked with our son, then about family members and s14 and I plans for the day.
I went upstairs to our room later and there on my side of the dresser was his ring box with ring inside. I was VERY surprised to see it just sitting there.
So I took both rings in to be inspected,,they are going to be all cleaned up, I will picked them back up in couple of weeks, they both did need a lil repair (so glad I took them in when I did),,,
I will let him know when they will be back and will leave on his side of the dresser.
For 1 quick second in the jewlery store I thought about trading them both in for me a bigger chocolate diamond for my RIGHT hand!
Meligh- my H hates to throw anything away (very poor as a child) and he often has stuff everywhere, and Yes some things I have imagined turned out to not be that at all.
I will not mention his bags or items in his trunk. I agree and know all things that happen will be known eventually.
Lol my engagement ring is a Contemporary style. I wear it as a right hand ring now,
SOoo
Today Stepson and grandchild over,,
H has to leave for work, it was soooo weird as he tried to decied if he wanted to hug or kiss me before leaving..this was allllll becuase he was in front of his son, his son's girlfriend and grandchild. I almost LOL and just hurry and kissed him to get it over with since he seemed like he was worried how I would respond or maybe cause he did not really want to hug or kiss me but felt like it was the "right" thing to do in front of the kids.
Didn't you mention waaaay early on about he keeps old clothes, and that was a big deal when he got rid of some stuff?
If it is indeed you who mentioned that.... give him a pass on the clothes in the trunk.
Yes
H keeps everything as much as he possibly can. It usually after begging or totally running out of space THEN he will maybe donate something or throw away...MAYBE
So my H newphew has a wedding in July
We will be going as a family out of town for the wedding and staying with my SIL and family.
I want to think this means H has no plans on living our M. But I dont really see him "working" on our M. I will try to not over think this...
I dont know why I mention this or why Im even thinking about it...
Happy,
I wouldn't over think this wedding invitation right now. It's 6 months away and anything can happen between now and then. It will be interesting to see if he opts to work on the marriage or choose a rabbit hole to hide in. I'm hoping he'll wake up enough to realize that he has a great wife and a wonderful family.
I will try not to read anything into this.
H seems excited and asking alot of questions and being in contact with his sister.
I pray H realizes how great of a wife woman person I am:)
S14 gave me a very attitude filled day.
if its not one thing its something else.
I DB son...told him in as calm as i could way to watch his mouth change his attitude told him how he will respect me and sent him to bed No Tv No superbowl...
But it did make me think about raising him alone and how much harder it would be.
Got to stay focused kids are very easy to get off track
Oh wow
S14 caught watching tv
After some more words
S14 tells me I have cause him emotional and mental pain and that when im mad at my mom or H i take it out on him.
Oh my goodness i dont think this is true but
this is how s4 feels
I dont know if this is just something he is saying. Today s14 was in trouble about grades and being disrespectful..
The incident with S14 last night got me spinning, got me thinking too much about my H and our issues.
I do think that when Im upset or holding back feelings from H, that I may over react out of frustration with my S14.
S14 also said I'm always angry, now I dont think that is true but if that is how he sees me,,,could it be true?
I'm still very upset this morning, MAD at H for always being at work, I feel like a single parent, I'm upset with myself for overreacting, I'm upset that my emotions still to be spinning this am....I wanted to YELL and SCREAM at H last night when he finally got home,,,his reponse was that I often talk to s14 with anger in my voice, borderline hateful sounding,,,
I wanted to YELL and scream and tell H to GET OUT.
Now I know I must continue to work on me, I have to "fix" these issues with myself and my S14.
My Mom said I get angry and the way I sound, the way I talk, the anger on my face she said it is too much, and that I should wait until I'm not as upset before I express myself.
I really hear them all I do, but I wanted to just run away, get away, all I'm hearing them say is how horrible I am...I know that is not what they are saying but that is what I hear.
My anger will cause me to shut down and shut them out, I will not go back to that person, I've worked hard to not be that person...but sometimes I need a break
I dont feel like anyone is here for me in my family that it is always about what I need or can do for them and its draining me, aging me,,,hurting me
You are not a horrible person, but you do need to step back and count to 10 before letting that anger loose. Your son is already hurting and he senses your moods, especially the anger. Maybe you are angry and coming across as angry at him or taking it out on him. I would sit him down and have a chat w/him. If he continues to say that you are taking it out on him, etc., then there might be a hint of truth in his comments. If your family is also telling you has you react, then it's time to change how you deal w/the anger and frustration. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. When you feel that anger bubbling up, take a walk, find a pillow and beat it to death, but do try to control it and not lash out at others. I use to take a walk or go up and down the stairs a few times. I even got in the car and took a drive while screaming to the top of my lungs...but I felt better and could rationally deal w/whatever was popping my cork.
If you feel that your family is always asking you to do things, then you need to learn the power of the word "no" or "I can't do it right now as I'm in the middle of something". You do have control over your life and you do not need to feel that you have to be available to everyone at a drop of the hat. Your time is just as precious as theirs.
Job
Im still so hurt and angry.
I came home said hello and went to my room.
I just dont trust what I would say or how.
h invited me to go eat I declined..
they are downstairs watching tv.
i dont think im doing the right thing by avoiding thrm..but i dont want to regret what i might say.
i feel childish
You are not a horrible person, but you do need to step back and count to 10 before letting that anger loose. Your son is already hurting and he senses your moods, especially the anger. Maybe you are angry and coming across as angry at him or taking it out on him. I would sit him down and have a chat w/him. If he continues to say that you are taking it out on him, etc., then there might be a hint of truth in his comments. If your family is also telling you has you react, then it's time to change how you deal w/the anger and frustration. It's not going to be easy, but you can do it. When you feel that anger bubbling up, take a walk, find a pillow and beat it to death, but do try to control it and not lash out at others. I use to take a walk or go up and down the stairs a few times. I even got in the car and took a drive while screaming to the top of my lungs...but I felt better and could rationally deal w/whatever was popping my cork.
If you feel that your family is always asking you to do things, then you need to learn the power of the word "no" or "I can't do it right now as I'm in the middle of something". You do have control over your life and you do not need to feel that you have to be available to everyone at a drop of the hat. Your time is just as precious as theirs.
Taking the time for myself after work yesterday, really helped to clear my mind.
I do think there is truth to what s14 said about me being upset and taking it out on him. My patience has been short during all this, I have always been quick to temper in the past and working on this always.
S14 also notices my moods ALOT, anger, sadness etc. While I'm pretending for H that all is well, I guess when H is not around my true feelings are on display for s14.
I really inside feel good about the path Im on, I just need to move past negative emotions, thoughts.
When I'm feeling upset or angry about my stitch with this H of mine, I need to make sure that I do not direct those emotions, thoughts, negativity towards my s14.
Walk on eggshells around H to make sure he is not seeing me upset or hurt, then I guess sometimes I would let it all go when H was not there.
Last night I ask myself "are you ok, are you happy" and I said YES this stitch with H no longer makes or breaks me, H no longer has control over my happiness. MY happiness is up to me. I love me, I'm working on me.
I need to step back and look at my S14 world thru his eyes a little. S14 is also dealing with his dad always at work, his mom moods, and going thru puberty, the knowledge that all is NOT ok with his parents marriage. I need to make sure S14 knows I got his back and that he can depend on me to be the best Mom I can be always and forever!
Happy,
No where does it say that you have to put on the happy face 24/7 even w/your h around. If you feel sad, so be it. I know it's difficult w/him around and yes, walking on egg shells does get pretty old and tense. It will take it's toll on you if you don't find outlets to release that anger.
You know what you need to do and I think you will do your best to let your son know you have his back.
Job
I realize that now, I have been holding in alot..and believe me H knew yesterday I was NOT OK, H called me this morning to check on me, I told him I was ok and thanks for keeping s14 occupied last night I had alot on my mind.
I did eat dinner with them last night, only ate then went back to my room. Had a good cry and got some great extra rest.
I will talk to S14 tonight, just to reinforce that I will always have his back and to let him know again that we both need to work on how we communicate with each other.
OMGoodness
I don't want a D but I also dont want this M the way it is now. This week has been a hard one, my emotions are spinning. I'm back to wondering more then I should be about my H and if he is really working all this OT or with OW? My mind constantly flips to that if there is any changes in time H comes home, what time he comes to bed etc,, if he calls me before he goes to work.
I'm tired, tired of wondering, tired of waiting and hoping H will start to "work" on our M, tired of waiting on H to wear his ring..
Maybe this month is got me thinking, it was last year I discovered OW H had sent her and me flowers for valentines day,,,her flowers were red roses, mine were various pastels.
The day I found out, I crashed our wedding frames, ripped up the picture, threw out our unity candel, ripped up the wedding picture in the basement, wished I was strong enough to BEAT down H..it was horrible my heart was broken.
I'm NOT ok in this M, the way things are are NOT ok with me.
It's almost 2 years, sometimes I think, I pray things are better, small glimpes but I'm losing hope, I'm getting real tired.
I thought about D and how it would affect my life and my son, so I try to hang in, I sometimes hope H will end it, hope he will file for D and go away quietly without a fight. I want us to be friends to remain great co parents...but I want way more then H can or wants to give me as far as a R.
I know you all say "when the LBS is done they know"..I think I know but I'm scared to really file for a D to make that final step, scared to raise S14 alone, scared about how financially things will really change for S14 and I.
JUST SCARED
Happy,
What exactly are you afraid of? Living as a single parent w/a son, moving, the marriage not working out if you were to separate, etc.?
Your situation sounds like people are walking on eggshells. This is not good. The tension and fear of saying or doing something wrong and creating an explosion of anger is not good for any of you. Living w/someone in crisis is very difficult, especially if you can't detach properly. You are still watching and waiting for your H to return to the marriage. Right now, he's got the best of both worlds and he's not going to change. Why should he?
Yes, he may say he's working on the marriage, but is he really? When you've had enough of his BS, you'll know what you need to do. Quite frankly, living in a tent would be far better than dealing w/the tension in your household. Look at how it is affecting you and your son. Your family has seen the changes in you and the anger and resentment is eating you up. If you are afraid of a divorce, why not go for a trial separation of say 3-6 mths and see how things go?
Let me give you something to think about...which is worse for you and your son right now...living in a house w/that much tension and anger or a calm, quiet environment whereby you and you son can live and not have that kind of upheaval each and every day? BTW, I'm not saying file for divorce, what I'm trying to point out is living in a stressful situation day in and day out is not always the way to go.
Again, you will know when you've had enough of his BS.
Job
Its so very hard to explain. Our house is no longer tense, the tension is inside of Me. Its only seen when I let it out.
My H is very calm and "normal" acting. I swear most people would not know anything was wrong. Looking outside in you would only see a family with a H who works ALOT, a mom home after work each day and a normal teenage boy. We go out to eat, we've had friends over, we have family discussions that involve our S14, the grandkids come and spend the night, the adult step kids visit monthly.
We have finally handle our bills with no arguments, we talk in advance and agree on purchases/repairs for home together.
IF I did not care that I was being ignored as a wife, then heck all would be GREAT!!! IF I did not care that he works allll the time (or says he is), IF I did not care that sometimes he sleeps on the counch all night,,,all would be GREAT
We very rarely argue, I have not brought up our R or M or ask H any questions (which is the only time the tenstion is in the air)
I think I'm the only one walking on eggshells.
I do think H has the best of both worlds.
No I dont think he is working on our M, he thinks he is.
IF I detach, I mean really detach, there would be no tension inside of me.
Now correct me if I'm off, but in my post are you seeing tension in the house? I admit my stress with the stitch has caused me to overreact to s14 at times and I have prayed on that and will change that.
I also know that some of the things I want to say to my H will be said going forward but before the build up to a boil over.
AND I will be GAL & working out more to release more of my tension.
Afraid of living as a single parent, afraid of money issues, afraid of the effect it could have on s14.
Happy,
I sense tension in YOU. You feel that you are not being heard, you feel neglected and yes, used by all. Have you thought about seeing a professional and talking out all of these things that are going on w/you? Yes, you need an outlet for the pressure that's building up within. Go to the gym, take up running/walking, but you definitely need an outlet to relieve this stress.
The tension is there. Your son knows that you pop your cork and I don't think you mean to say things, but they come out because of your frustration. Family members have noticed this about you as well. Everyone is concerned about it and it's time to step back, assess your situation and decide how you want to handle your internal anger/stress.
You want your h to notice you, step back into the marriage, etc., but he's not doing that. You are frustrated that you can't reach him and make him see how you feel. Happy, if your h is in crisis, it's going to take years before he begins to truly settle down and want to rejoin his family and if that is the case w/him, how are you going to handle your own internal stressors? If you don't find a way to get this anger/stress under control, you will end up w/stroke or heart attack. Stress does some nasty things to the human body and you are entirely too young to have something happen to you.
Work may be his addiction, i.e., versus ow. He may use work to help him ease his own emotional pain. They tend to clos themselves off from people and live in their own little world. It's all about him and what he needs to take care of himself right now. You have to do the same thing...take care of yourself.
Keep in mind, that if you can't get this anger/stress under control and you continue to say things to your son in a fit of anger, it's going to cause some damage to your relationship w/him.
Happy, living as a single parent is hard, but it's done every day. There are many single parents that have toddlers, but they manage and they are determined to be the best parents they can be. Sure, the lifestyle may change, but the bond between them remains the same and in some cases closer. As for money issues, start practicing reducing your costs. Set up a rainy day jar and drop your change in it. Make it a habit to set aside $20 each week and it will add up quickly. Learn to shop for cheaper items at the store. Do all of your errands when you are out and that way you save gas versus doing an errand here and there.
As to the effect it would have on your son....look what's going on now. How do you think your reactions to your anger and stress are affecting him?
Happy, it's time to take control over your life and get back to your calmer self. Whether it's you tell your h what's on your mind, seeking professional assistance in the way of counseling as well as being prescribed ADs or getting out there and taking up running, kick boxing or some other physical exercise, but you have to do it. If you don't start getting some relief for this stuff, you are going to stroke out.
Hi 2B,
IMO I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions. Why do you want to remain "friends" with a man who cheated and then blamed YOU and his M for his disipicable act of betrayal. There is NEVER a reason to cheat. Especially in this day and age of STD's. For him to then not make a real attempt to work on the M, take off his ring (is that supposed to help you feel he won't cheat again?), spew, hide things, etc. tells you he isn't interested in you or your feelings. He has even said he is staying "for S" not because he is interested in working on his M. They all say they "tried" to make the M work but what they think is "trying" wouldn't be seen as such by anyone but them. My W actually said she didn't want our M to work! So, even if she could get everything she wanted she would rather end a 21 year M and break up her family. How crazy is that? MLC is impossible for us to really understand but just know they have no idea what is right or wrong, just what they "feel" at any given moment.
I will say the way things are now isn't healthy for you. It isn't working. Nothing is going to change until something changes. I too had a S that was always working, never interested in me or the kids or gave a thought to what I was being asked to do. It won't work long term and you are finding this out with how you are getting angry more and more often. You need to decide if your S is better off not being shown that this is how a M works. If he would be better off if you weren't so angry at your H that you take it out on him. Yes, D is hard but at some point you have to say enough is enough. Your H cheated. That is not ok and he needs to step up and do what is needed to make up for that to make you be able to trust again or face the consequence of losing you. If you let him keep cake eating things will never get better.
I'm not saying to file but I will say things can't stay the way they are. How you go about changing things only you can decide. I will say I don't see how you can remain friends with him after what he did or why you want to. You can co-parent only with someone who wants to be a parent. From what you describe he isn't much of a parent now. As I'm finding out myself now, that won't change after D. We all want our S's to do the right things but if he isn't doing it now he won't after D either. He isn't a co-parent now living at home, don't expect him to be after he leaves.
You are in a hard place 2B, you need to decide what you really want and what you are willing to take from H as well as what you are willing to do to get what YOU want. You didn't ask to be put in this position but H's actions have put you there. Good luck 2B. I'll be praying for you and you family.
I totally agree
I need to get myself back under control. Need to release this anger, sadness (I hide my sadness behind anger)and stress.
If I cannot find peace in my home with H, then I will have to ask him to leave. My health & R with S14 is way too important!!
I will find more GALs's, I will get back to attending Church on a regular. Back to counseling with Pastor. I will be telling H when I need to speak my mind. Working out.
Matt
You are also right, things are not healthly for me right now. I will make the changes in myself that I can to reduce this stress and if it does not help I will ask my H to leave.
I will always be my H's friend, we started off as friends. I don't hate my H, I just dont like the person he is right now.
I must detach as much as I can, I will continue to work on being a better me.
Keep praying for me, s14 and my H, we need all the prayers we can get!
H called 4x's in 1 hour. I ignored each one
5x call I answer,
H "I've been blowing your phone up"
Me "Oh ok what's up"
H pauses,,,stumbles "I just wanted to check on you and Jalen and to remind you to look out for a delivery to the house"
Me "s14 and I are good, s14 apologized, I apologized, we talked we are good"
H then went on to ask me about s14 glasses and again mention the delivery
H" you almost made me late to work trying to contact you..I got to rush in now"
Me before he could finish "Ok bye"
I hung up before he was even done talking. Childish but felt GREAT
I did not feel the need to answer his calls, and wish he would just leave a vm or send a text.
Are these phone calls his way of seeing if I'm stil there?
Why the most days,,daily calls when the stuff he is saying can be said by leaving a note or sending a text or why not leave a vm?
HARD to detach!!!!! Working on this, need to detach while talking and living and looking at him
I honestly can't answer why he's not leaving vm or email messages...maybe he wants to make sure you check your phone. Maybe he wants to just hear your voice and make sure you are okay or maybe he just wants to know that you are right where he left you and that you are still there for him. Whatever the reason, I wouldn't try to over analyze it. It's just another post card from Mars or a blip on the radar.
Continue working on you and moving forward.
I think he is checking to see if Im still at his beck and call.
But I hear ya and I plan to focus on being a better me.
So I told H I have something to tell him and if he could let me know a good time when we can talk. H ask if it was about the plumbing in the house...LOL
Now what I have to tell him is not DB, but I want to tell him that our current R is not working for me, and tell him that I'm starting to think its time for us to separate...
BUT as soon as I even told him I wanted to tell him something,,,I figure what is the dam point...and if he is true to form H will NOT find a good time for me to sit and talk to him anyway...
I'm not sure I'm really ready to talk to him, I need to sit very very quiet for a while.
In a response to Mighty I suggested her new thread be only about her and her kids. (something I may need to do also, harder with H in the house and reaching out to test if Im still there all the time)
Happy,
Until you can get your emotions in check, i.e., the bubbling of anger, you will need to continue posting here about your situation. If you don't, you will pop your cork again w/your son. You have to have an outlet somewhere to release the frustration.
We all understand what is going on in your home. If and when you opt to discuss your situation w/your h, just do it one evening, don't try to schedule a time w/your h because he'll never do it.
I hope you are feeling better today.
Job
Yes I can see where I should vent/post here about my H and our stitch...
But I would love a mental break from my stitch with my H.
Yes I do feel much better today, extra praying always helps me:)
Sooo
H woke me up to take our cars to car wash, then took me to breakfast OPEN doors for me (has not run to open door in a while) wanted us to wash cars together, he was then going to dry and clean out inside of my car.
Not sure where all this came from,,,I guess H stuck his head out a little today. He also was rushing to spend some adult time before s14 got back from stay over but did not happen, but he let me know he wished it had...
Not sure why I even posted this,,casue I know this is only a small poke out of the tunnel...
I always soo quick to post when H upsets me, so I just wanted to post something that was not negative
Oh wow
So I posted about Valentines day and my plans, I actually just order me 2 shirts- gifts to me:)
S14 was asking me what I wanted for Valentines day, this is probably something his dad has put him up to..
So do I buy a present and card for H just in case? Or if he does get me something, just say Thank You? Last year was horrible after the fact, the day of was good I got flowers,,,,then BAM found out OW did also a few days later...anyway
If he gets me something or acknowledges the day,,,how do I respond...Ive made my plans for myself..just beacuse I dont want to make it a sit around type of day cause I dont want to get all down in the dumps...
To be on the safe side, get him a very simple Valentine's Card. Nothing overly mushy. As for a gift, I wouldn't do it unless you feel the need to get him something simple, like a tie or a good book.
If he gets you something, just say thank you. You don't need to make this any harder for yourself than necessary. Keep things simple.
Ok
Non-Mushy card
Gift=Cuff links
Plan will be to ONLY give to him IF he gets me a gift/card, not being childish...but I dont want him to feel any kind of pressure if I give him gift and card and he had nothing for me.
And I don't want to acknowledge this day with him at this point anyway...but if he does I can be ready
I have NO expectations and will be VERY surprised.
I will try to get cuff links (not expensive) but will not go out of my way,,,a card I can get for .99
Thanks
Dang it,,,I thought I had this ALLLLL planned out!!!
Hi
Just my .02 I'm not sure on where w will come down on cards etc this year (we did nice birthday and christmas cards, some days we talk, chat and email more than pre-bd sometimes zero contact - argh), so I got a very simple non-mushy (not an easy task) card and will post through the door this week. None of my normal comments etc written in it, nothing pursuing (suppose the card is a little) just an acknowledgement really.
I'm not however expecting to receive one, that would be nice but I don't expect it or will be disappointed if I don't get one.
Edz
So my H keeps everything, never wants to donate or throw out anything..the only time he has donated or thrown out anything since we been together has been after I've begged him to make room!
I discovered this is because he was very poor as a child and did not have much, wore hand me downs etc..so I backed off years back and would just deal with all his stuff everywhere.. but at times when there was no more room I would gently ask him to donate or throw away
Yesterday he stood staring into our spare room closet and declared he would be getting rid of ALOT of this stuff..
Could this be him "working" on/thru some childhood issues?
And or just another loop on the MLC rollercoaster?
Just cause I'm curious...what do you guys think?
I do not think he's working on/thru a childhood issue or a loop on the coaster. I think he's genuinely trying to clean up and sees that there is no more room at the inn for additional stuff. Maybe as a good will gesture he's opted to clean up a bit before you say something again. Maybe he's planning to purchase some new stuff. No one truly knows what goes through their minds...but be thankful he's getting ready to clean up.
You are watching the pot too closely and it will never boil when you do that. Keep the focus on you and your son.
Job
ok, stepping back from the stove and the pot
So having different thoughts today...
Is my H worth all this? Do I really want this M to continue?
The way my H is now..NO I don't. The way my H was years ago even before BD ..YES
I realize long before BD we had issues in our R or M, issues that were never addressed.
I know I would and am doing what I can...but I dont think my H will ever really wake up and WORK on himself and or our M...
So I kinda wonder if I'm just marking time,,,waiting until H decides to leave on his own and or our S14 graduates HS.
I do know I'm loving myself way more then I have in a very very long time, I'm smiling more, laughing more and I'm LOVING the better person I am.
Got up this morning and spent extra time on my hair, put on my "expensive" parfume...it's really the little things.
TGIF
Is my H worth all this? Do I really want this M to continue?
Sorry, have been gone on a work trip the last 16 days....
That is only a question you can answer. But its an answer you need to FULLY explore. much like mentioned in DR "the Divorce Trap". That a belief that all problems are solved with a D, when it actually causes many new layers of complexity.
I would suggest a refresher on that chapter.
H worked few hours over last night,,came home got directly in bed..
When I got up this morning, on kitchen table was a box of chocolates (not in a heart box or a vday box) and a Reggae CD (one I had mention to H a couple weeks ago). There was a note that said "please dont do anything for me" ,,,I was like WTF
Then I started mind reading,,is he getting me something out of guilt and therefore does not want me to get him anything which would only add to his guilt...
SOOO I wanted to scream cuss and throw that crap in trash and flip his note over and say F YOU.
Instead I got dressed, left the snack bag I made for s14 and H on the table, Also put the card I got for H in his snack bag, with notes that said Happy Vday on the snack bags...
Went out and did some quick window shopping and got me a coffee (needed to be out of the house for a min),,,H had left before me to go get his medicine.
I get back and H is getting ready for work,,,Im watching movie and drinking my coffee, before that he is asking me questions I answer short and move on,,,
H comes in room ask me what's wrong,,,I tell him nothing,,he tells me he can tell something is wrong,,,I stare straight into his eyes (look of death) and tell him to give me a moment just leave me alone...H goes back upstairs...
I needed to get that out, to let him know today Im not OK, but not go into details (he should already know),,,but it felt good to direct that energy to him, to let him know instead of holding it in and ruin my whole day...I feel like I did it without emotions and not in a really mean way,,,I ask for what I needed right then was a moment, I was not in the mood for his "general" talk about anything...
I was able to totally let it go, S14 was very excited about his snack bag, and we were LOL and talking about the weather..I did not direct my feelings toward my s14.
Later before H left for work, he comes into room and gives me a kiss on lips and tells me again thanks for the snack bag.
I felt like wiping that kiss off my lips right in his face...but I took the high road,,being mean is not going to help anything...
NO matter what happens H and I need to be friends to be civil and raise our s14 together rather M or D.
SOOOO...why give me anything for Vday...no card, no actual things in vday wrapping...but why anything...nothing that says I love you, so why even do anything...
I can only think its "guilt"? Or just trying to maintain the peace in the home.
WHATEVER...
Oh last week,,H slipped and called me "babe" when usually he goes out of his way to not have to really call me anything at all...we both looked shocked when that slipped out...
SO I was on a down roller coaster hill this morning, but I did want I needed at that time to NOT fall apart.
Wounded...I will reread that chapter ,,,but not today or tomorrow,,I need a break again...
Happy,
It's not the gifts that count...but the thoughts that count. He did get you something and even if they weren't wrapped in Valentine's paper, the chocolates were the same no matter what and they will taste good whether they are wrapped appropriately or not. The CD is one that you wanted and you will enjoy it and had they been wrapped, the paper would have been trashed and an after thought tomorrow.
I'm going to be realistic and possibly harsh w/my next comments, but you can't have it both ways. Had he not gotten you anything, you would have been in a funk and questioning everything and yet, you did receive something and you are still questioning and appear to be in a little bit of a funk. Be thankful you got anything! There are many who won't receive anything today.
As for his comment about not getting him anything, yes, he possibly does feel guilty about a lot of things, i.e., his behavior and not being there 100% as a dad and a husband. You've got to "shake off" the comment and go on about your business.
Both your h and your son appreciated their snack bags and that's what counts.
Just remember...there is no rhyme or reason for what they do...but if they do something nice, say "thank you" and then let it go.
Job your right and I needed to hear
My funk was here and now gone...still tooo attached is the real problem.
SOOOO
My H calls from work to ask me if I wanted to see 50shades of grey,,I was like I read the books and I could see the movie,,thinking he was going to buy the movie when it came out on DVD...so I said yes I would not mind having it at home in movie collection,,,
He was like no I was thinking we could go have brunch and see the movie on Monday..
It took me a minute for the invite to register,,I said Yes sure,,and I said if there is another movie you would like to see better that would be fine also,,,
Where did that come from,,,did my H just ask me out on a date?
While picking out my outfit in my head, I'm also getting extra belts to hold me in my roller coaster seat,,,I dont know how big of UP or Down this might be.
Whoa! And the movie choice! Ooo la la! Bet he couldn't wait for that to come out... he has been saving this "date" for the movie release!
Buckle up, baby! And just have some fun.
Mighty,,,,I will have my seat belts so tight I may not be able to breathe..
I love the invite, but I will not allow myself to get my hopes up, cannot allow myself to go back to where i was emotionaly and mentally last year,,,
But I will enjoy myself.
Update on date with H
It was great not exactly what I expected, but it was good
As H was dressing I ask him which shirt I should wear he picked the sexiest of the 2 I had out. I hinted to him to put on his "red sexy underware" any one remember when I found the sexy undies...he said he had not seen them in a while, but when I came back in the room he had them on:) I told him he looked great in them:)
Got to movie late (not cause of the red undies but cause H is slow), had to select a different movie for a show 1 hr later, so lunch ended up being KFC, I had on the sexiest shirt I have up in KFC eating popcorn chicken and fries..LOL
Movie ended up being Kingsman (it was ok)
On way home ran into horrible weather, took over 1 hr to get home...I thanked H said I had a great time.
We get home s14 is going a mile a minute you could tell he missed having someone home to ignore.
H and I drank a lil wine (a new one I wanted him to taste)spent a lil quick adult time, and he said lets go sit with s14 I can tell he wants to talk or ignore us...
WOW, date was kinda weird we did not talk much, but we were there together and H's idea and invite so I loved every minute of it,,and I was nervous like on a dam first date or something,,,Blouse was maybe tooo sexy for the outing, but I let that go, cause I wore it for me to feel sexy and for H to look at me and think sexy.
Now I know I know I need to NOT and I do NOT will NOT read too much into this date with H. It was a nice time, a fun date and I will take it as that. I know we still have a very long way to go in this R.
Oh H played my reggae CD all the way home and on the way there he had a couple of love songs playing...oh how I wish...I wish he would feel that way about me again.
Wished we had caught 50shades of grey...maybe another time..
So Im struggling a little..maybe the date got me wishing but I want attention from my H.
Phone call just to say Im thinking about you..a kiss on check ...a smile.
OUR date gave me a lil hope...and now I need to reinforce my heart and stay focused on me and s14.
Even without the date I have been missing little things like that more and more...
Sometimes I think about what it will be like to be with someone who wants to be with you also.
It's difficult to switch your brain off, especially when you had a date w/your h the other evening...but you have to keep those expectations at zero so that you don't get hurt or disgusted. Sure, you want attention from your h, but he doesn't have it in him right now to give you that. If he can't help himself right now, how can he even think about helping you? I know this is tough, but you've got to work thru those feelings and let it go.
Keep the focus on you and your son for now.
So, you said:
Phone call just to say Im thinking about you..a kiss on check ...a smile.
Any harm in experimenting here?
As in like ask him to do that: "Hey H, I had fun the other night. I hope you did too, you did a great job putting things together. Do me a favor and call me tomorrow and tell me you want me"
Don't vest yourself in it, like if he doesn't complete the task (don't set the expectation he will do this).
But also monitor, if you get a call, what he tells you, etc.
Job...working hard to keep focus on son and I.
Wounded...hmmm interesting idea. I did tell him I enjoyed outing spending alone time. I dont want to bring it up again right now..giving him time to whatever..I dont want to make toooo much out of it. Next month...I might hint that another outing would be nice and see how he responds.
Wounded...hmmm interesting idea.
Thank you.
I did tell him I enjoyed outing spending alone time. I dont want to bring it up again right now..giving him time to whatever..I dont want to make toooo much out of it. Next month...I might hint that another outing would be nice and see how he responds.
Woooohhh.....I am not suggesting anything as deep as an outing/date, your swinging for the fences, and I just want you to get a walk or a single.
You mentioned:
So Im struggling a little..maybe the date got me wishing but I want attention from my H.
Phone call just to say Im thinking about you..a kiss on check ...a smile.
Even without the date I have been missing little things like that more and more...
So a small sign of affection would make you happier.... start small. Get him to (as you say you would like) just call you during the day and say he is thinking about you.
***caution, this gets PG-13***
If it was me I would try to start with that, just getting him to call you. That's why I feel you have the segue into it: "hey I had really enjoyed all you put into the other night, it was a lot of fun, do something for me, call me from work and tell me what your thinking about me or what you want to do to me".
Oh I see...ok..let me less this date dust settle a little so I can try this without any hurt feelings/expectations.
Now this is rated R...my H sex performance has changed not the same stamina. ..I feel like "is it me" he just not that into me or it is his hormones or depression.
I asked him if he enjoys mme.told him sometimes he dont seem to enjoy it as much as he use to.
I dont know what 8s going on..I tried to put it on me ask even if it was my weight. .
But I want to know if something is wrong with his package..
Without hurting his feelings..or making him pull back..
Im thinking just let it go for now we are NOT in a place to have this type of conversation..
Maybe he just doing it for me?
your going to have several camps/answers here (and for the record I am not a doctor) but:
First, if there is clinical depression, that can effect performance.
Second, Anti depressants (if he is medicated for it) can ABSOLUTELY effect performance.
Third, he is around the age some things can start slowing down (*not stopping).
Finally parlay that with if he is like most men above 50 with a stressful job, he is probably on a blood pressure medication....
So those are 4 pretty big things that can indeed have a dramatic effect on performance.
I 100% guarantee any discussion about a "problem" with his package will result is a giant pull back.
Is it possible to work through "other" things to gain satisfaction?
Happy,
How old is your husband?
I agree w/woundedfool on what may be affecting his performance. If he is truly in mlc, any type of depression can and will affect his performance. He may say he's not attracted to you or he feels numb.
At this time, do not try to suggest and/or discuss his performance issues w/him for he will withdraw from you. He's got to figure out for himself what he needs to do to fix his issues.
Also, don't swing the fence gate too far...but start out w/something small like a touch or show interest in something he likes to do. If you truly want him back into your life, you will need to treat him as a friend and go from there. Friendship takes a while, so you'll need to dig deeper for patience. Go back and re-read some of reachingHigher's or ForeverYoung's postings.
H will be 52 in a couple months.
Has been on blood pressure meds for over 18 years. Has a somewhat stressful job with long hours and mandatory overtime.
The differnce in performance does not really bother me but for some reason I feel like it bothers him. Its like he gets frustrated during or right afterwards..then wants to go be off alone...right after BD he totally pulled away from sex but once I found out about OW I thought that was the reason..but once we were back initmate I noticed a difference. Its like the car starts..then might need a jump then gets going..then gets there and its like glad he made it...like H wants it but not able to do as much..
Oh wow I needed to get this out...I was very worried that he just did not want me...
Hmmm...one time I recall he had his dr change vp meds cause it was causing him problems..but wven then he did not want to go into details with me.
Yes I notice and wish it was like it use to be but I can adjust adapt...
Sounds like it could be his stress, age and meds. It's understandable if he's getting frustrated w/himself. He's thinking he's not a spring chicken any longer and yes, he can see the changes in himself and his performance and that could be depressing and scary for him.
It's not you...it's him and he's going to have to figure this one out. If he should talk to you about it, gently suggest seeing his doctor and discussing the issue w/him. He may not feel comfortable in doing so, but it's a normal problem and trust me, there are advertisements all over the TV these days about it and what medicine is available to help men, etc.
Just be patient and don't push him on this.
I will not bring it up unless he does and I know its a very sensitive subject.
Thanks for feedback
Dang it...
So while in car on way shopping and lunch..I glance at H on his cell I swear I see OW name on Id of a text messages..
I say to H wow really I see that name..of course he said I did not and tries to show me his cell while Im driving...s14 in car with headsets on so I tell H im driving and to stop putting his cell in my face.
We get to restaurant and s14 in bathroom H says so now you will be silent with an attitude he said he can see it on my face...
I tell him what he sees is hurt...he said why...you did not see her name on my cell and starts to scroll thru his contacts...s14 onhis way back to table I tell H dont bother Im used to this now...
He tells me I think I saw her name but I did not....
Honestly Im not 100 sure...and he right away was shoving his cell in my face...so maybe I did not....
What did I see is my mind playing tricks on me..do I just let it go now...
I had an apt so I drop s14 and H back home and left...
Happy,
This is only my opinion, so take it w/a grain of salt. I think you did see her name. Why else would your h react the way he did and the gas lighting was very evident, if it is true. He may very well have deleted the message quickly before he started shoving the phone in your face. If she hadn't texted him, he could very well have said no, I didn't receive a message and when we get to the restaurant, you can scroll thru my messages. He really is over reacting and could have caused an accident.
What would I do? Let it go for now. He'll slip up again.
I don’t think that you can see the name on the text message unless the sender is in you contacts. So, if he offered to look at his contacts, he either doesn't have her there, or he deleted it very quickly. This is just my opinion. I might be wrong though.
Job- Of course if something is going on, it will come out eventually.
Bright- Yes I thought the same since we have the same cell phone and the only way I see a persons name is if they are in my contacts. As soon as I said something he put the phone in my face, (not directly but waving it in my face asking me to look)as soon as we got to restaurant he pulled up his contacts and told me to look at them,,
I wanted him to stop since I did not want s14 to over hear this conversation.
Later at home, after I run errands and had my apt,,as soon as I get home, H is wanting s14 and I to watch a movie with him,,,
Movie over, S14 goes to play xbox
I tell H IF I did not see the name, then I apologize ,,,but if it was my imagination then this is all too much if Im seeing this OW name and it was not there, that this is the end of the road for me, ,,
I told him if he is not able to be faithful in a R to me, that it is NOT ok for me, but if that is the life he chooses he needs to move on ASAP!!! I told him I was tired of not being in a R, with my emotional needs being met.
BUT I told him I'm not saying he is a bad person, just maybe not the person for me. Told him I getting very tried of this entire situation...
Now I said alll that,,,he did say again I did not see her name at all and he did not and she did not send a text...
then he went onto talking about things needing to be done around the house..like we just did not have the conversation about OW and text messages and me being done,,,like none of that just happened.
He also said this is why I work sooo much so I dont have to,,,and before he finished I told him whatever,,,if I need to say something Im going to say it.
OH well...he still talked about what we need to do about s14, and about things needed for the house, discussed our bills etc...
WOW,,,and WOW that I was able to continue on with the conversations without being overly emotional...
Have I also gone off my rocker,,,to be able to just tell him how I feel about even the possibility of OW, then go right back to talking about house, s14, bills, family,,,
Or just gotten better about controlling my emotions and not letting H's responses control my emotions,,,or oh hell,,,Im not even sure where I was going with this,,,oh hell Im going crazy
Happy,
You are not going crazy. Your h is a very smooth operator. I love the way he changed the subject and continue in that direction.
I wouldn't bring up that ow situation again. Whatever he/she is doing, it's keeping your focus on them and your h is enjoying this attention, be it positive or negative. You've stated how you felt, now let it be.
Let me say this one more time...you are not going crazy!
Continue moving forward and keep the focus on you and your son.
Thanks Job
I have been surprised at even seeing H on his cell phone..around me.
He also takes his calls on speaker now.
So maybe I feel into a trap by even commenting on anything about his cell.
I have been really good at not asking questions. H
H is craftier then I thought I will have to be more careful.
Happy,
They have a way of playing you to see if you've changed at all since they went into crisis. They test us frequently and it's to see if changes have taken place are permanent and if we are still there for them. The reactions tell them everything. You have to learn to keep your poker face on when around him and try not to react to his behavior or what he's talking about. They love it when we react to their behavior, be it positive or negative.
So, try not to react to his behavior...it's going to be hard, but the ow is nothing but a bug that you can squash in your mind. Step on her and kill those thoughts each and every time the appear. She nothing but a band aid and one that was attached poorly. Don't give either of them the satisfaction of seeing you sweat. Okay?
You are not crazy. I think I see things all the time even though I barely am around H. For example, last night H was showing me some pics and he tapped the screen which pulled up a string of pics across the bottom of his phone, but they were not full focus. I can swear I saw a pic of a couple of girls with long hair before he tapped them back off. It keeps playing on my mind. But the thing is, without being 100% sure of what we see it's wasted energy.
Try to put it out of your mind and keep the focus on you and not H.
My motto
Never let them see you sweat.
I was out running errands again today...H called me a million times..checking to see if Im still there...
Good motto
S14 nor I are not in the mood for mandatory family night...we are both tired s14 has homework..and Im not sure why H insits on family night...now that sounds like I dont appreciate it...I do it just seems like H is going thru the motions...and maybe that is all he can do right now..
Made a big deal out of leaving his cell phone around me...I guess to show me he is not hiding his phone.
He works all the time then when he decides to be home he wants us at his beck and call.
and he is always preaching at s14..he needs to give some positive feedback..but I stay out ofthat as much as I can...
off to movie /dinner night
So i decided to change the atmosphere tonight. Started to act silly with son and H. We laughed alot. H made a nice dinner of burger and fries homemade.
Watched TV for a little ....now a news segment came on about a community meeting... can you beleive one of the ladies speaking had the same name as OW...so I had some fun I said do you see that made H rewind and said is that her...he was like I don't know that woman...I have no idea if that was her...when I goggled and paid for reverse phone search etc...her last year there were several with same name in surrounding area.
Soo I continue messing with H and tell him that was my clue to go to bed..told him I would need a massage to get to sleep now...he followed me up to room so quick I got the massage ....
But dang couple days ago I thought I saw her name on his cell now seeing Lady with same name on TV...would be a trip if that was her...
Are these signs....wow
First, I think it is good you changed the atmosphere last night. I think reflecting a PMA is as important as carrying one internally.
So on the experimenting side note the things that happened:
You ASKED for a massage, and you received a massage.
Make a note the other factors around, day of week, how his work day was, how the family did, whether he cooked or not, etc. (no detail is too small).
Try to replicate many of those factors, and use that as an opportunity to ask him to get that call you want (during the day that he is thinking about you). See what happens.
Continue to experiment and monitor.