Kids and I had an awful hand off to exH tonight. They know they are going to be with him Christmas Eve and until mid-day christmas morning and they didn't want to go. They want to be at home.
It was really heartbreaking. I was in a really good place going into it but my girls just understand why they have to go with Daddy.
D4 screamed and hollowed it was over the top but the sadder thing was D6 hiding under her covers on her top bunk not even sobbing loudly just with tears rolling down her checks sating she didn't want to go.
I facillitated getting the kids off with him. I told D6 to just go tonight and we could talk about it tomorrow.
I dont understand how divorce with kids is at all accepted in our society except in cases of abuse. It is so cruel to these amazing wonderful kids.
My exH is a selfish fool. and a big jerk!
I'm sorry BK. I know how difficult it is to watch them meltdown. Sending you a hug!
Take care of yourself and enjoy them on Christmas Day.
So very sorry Bklyn.
I agree completely. I have tried so hard to spend as much time with my girls as I can, make them feel as safe as possible but W doesn't even acknowledge that either of them are the least bit upset about the D. My D15 was lead to believe that she was going to spend Christmas day with both my W and I. She talked about it a lot the past few weeks. Well, now W has decided that isn't what she wants. She has decided that they are going to spend Christmas eve at her mothers with both the girls and me and that her mother and both girls are going to go stay at her place that night and the next day. She is going to meet me late Christmas night to give my D15 back to me when she takes D19 back to her place (I'm picking her up in the city where she lives after she's done work Christmas eve). Not a bad plan but what is bad is that she let D15 believe that I would be there for Christmas day. I think she did it because she was afraid that D15 would be upset and ask to spend Christmas day with me. By misleading her until now, D15 can't stop her or try and talk her out of her plan. Pretty rotten if you ask me.
My W said at the start of her "journey" that D doesn't hurt kids at all. No, it was all about how we acted during and after. Well, first that is a load of crap, of course D hurts kids! No matter how the parents may behave after it still destroys their sense of security. Not only that, she certainly hasn't behaved in a way that could be seen as "helpful" to making them feel better. In fact they both are getting more and more angry about how W has been so selfish, how she has become totally self absorbed. Now, W has pushed to finalize the D ASAP. As much as now is a bad time and if she would only wait a few WEEKS until I get my new job started, she refuses to wait even that short a time! So, from now on the holidays will always be remembered as the time their parents officially ended their M and changed their lives forever. Nice.
I so totally agree about how D shouldn't be so easy and accepted when kids are involved. In my state it is much too easy to end a M even when kids are involved. By making it so accepted and so easy it cheapens the whole concept of M and family. I guess it's to be expected when you look at politicians nowadays. It seems like they ALL have at least one D or affair. They always seem to be M, but it never is their FIRST H/W. They all talk a good game about "family values" but then pass laws that show how much they really care about family and show how little "values" they truly have. IMO if there isn't any kind of abuse and one of the parties isn't in favor of the D, it shouldn't be easy and quick when there are kids. There should be a cost paid by the supposed "adult" and what is best for the kids should be the sole guiding factor.The S that ends the M is breaking a contract. When you break a contract you should be expected to have to pay a penalty. I mean you can't sign up for a cell phone service and just "change your mind" and switch without paying a penalty...why should a M contract be any different?
There are so few times in peoples lives anymore where they are expected to keep a promise, to live up to what they vowed they would do. In order for a M to be ended and for someone to break their word and promise, they should have to pay a cost...especially when no real effort is made like in just about every case when it comes to MLCers. I amazes me how many people are hurt when someone decides to end a M in the way that most in MLC do. What is even worse is how they just don't seem to care that the price of their "happiness" is paid more by innocents than themselves.
Try not to let this ruin your and the kids Christmas. Make sure they and you enjoy the time you do have together! Merry Christmas Bkyln!
Unfortunately society does not recognize the impact divorce has on the children no matter what age they are. My wife actually said this week that the girls were in turmoil right now and she has to think about it. Like many others she bought into the fact the kids would get over it. Its a shame that so many people in our society have bought into the progressive movement. They have thrown out so much of what made our society more stable and safe for our kids to grow up in.
Thank you guys so much. Knowing I am not alone out here and not crazy.
I am as liberal politically as they come. I just don't get why divorce has been embraced by everyone in society.
I'm very sorry that your daughters are in so much pain. At least w/the meltdowns, they were able to express themselves for how they feel. Divorce is never easy for adults, but it is far worse for the children.
I do hope that things will be better today and tomorrow for them.
BklynMom,
I'm right there with you! I'm liberal as well but I also don't understand the whole "if you're not happy, just quit!" attitude toward marriage. I'm a pretty big Louis CK Fan but I can't watch his routines where he talks about how great divorce is and the cliche about kids having two happy homes instead of one unhappy home. What people don't get is that ONE home could be happy if both people would just try and work on their marriages. It's like people are surprised that marriages are work!
This afternoon my WAH is coming to get the kids to take them for what will be my first Christmas Eve without them. He's taking them to his mom's annual Christmas Eve dinner, a huge event in his family and one I haven't missed in almost 10 years. Normally I receive emails about who drew what name in the grab bag gifts, questions about what my kids need/want for Christmas and a few ideas for H's nieces and nephews, but this year? Crickets. I'm assuming that means everyone knows I'm not coming and they're all fine with it. He's taking the kids tonight everyone will have fun with them and get to watch them open their presents and no one will talk about or even raise an eyebrow at the big pink elephant in the room-- and H won't have to feel awkward about showing up without his wife... Because divorce is so common, kids are resilient, you deserve to be happy, blah, blah, blah... Ugh!
My salon is open until 6 tonight so I've already scheduled a mani/pedi for after H gets the kids and then I'm treating myself to dinner out. I know, I know, I'm supposed to embrace these "breaks" away from the kids, right? Sorry, I didn't sign up for marriage/parenthood to take breaks.
Didn't mean to post so long on your thread. You just struck a chord with me. I'm so sorry for what your little ones are going through. Hope you still have a good holiday today and tomorrow. You are definitely not alone out here!
Lorelei I know it feels like everyone is okay with it but the reality is his family probably doesn't know what to say.
Good for you for treating yourself to mani and pedi.
I will check out your thread.
Thanks job now that I have a little distance from last nights drama I can see how lucky my girls are. I can appreciate what a nurturing and loving home I am able to give them because I have strong financials and have found a strong emotional well being through recovery here and in alanon.
My kids are so blessed.
Plus we are going to Disney January 2nd
Thank you Bklyn Mom. I love this board because everyone is so supportive and always points out why it's important not to make assumptions and mind-read. I know my in-laws probably don't know what to say. It just seems like my H's family has a habit of sweeping things under the rug. As I mentioned in my thread though recently, I have tried to put myself in their shoes, particularly my MIL's and asked how I would react if my kids grew up and were WASs at any point. As a mother, I would have to give them my love and support, even if I didn't approve.
I'm just a little more emotional today. The goofy Elf on the Shelf movie actually made me cry earlier, so yeah, I need to just go easy on myself and focus on making this an awesome Christmas for the kiddos.
Good for your for going to Disney! That is so awesome. My kids and I are planning a trip to DL over spring break. We have good friends in SD and it's only a couple of hours away. I always wanted to go with H, but I decided I'm just going to go do the things that the kids and I want to do and give them great experiences and memories, regardless of what he's doing... Tough to get to that place on some days though.
Having a wonderful Christmas with the girls today. They came home at 1p. So I had all morning and last night to set the place up just right. My parents and my sister and her husband spend the afternoon with us. It was wonderful.
Exh gave me a Christmas card when he dropped off the girls. Actually he didn't hand it to me just told me it was in the girls bag. And technically the card was from the girls not him. But he did include a few photos of the girls in front of his Christmas tree.
This card is the only nice gesture he has made to me in close to 4 years. I am a little taken aback.
Maybe he will start treating me like a human now and not a monster.
I'm glad the girls returned and they had a wonderful surprise upon their return w/the Christmas preparations.
So, he gave you a Christmas card. Maybe he is thawing out just a little bit this year. At least he gave you a few photos of the girls in front of his Christmas tree. Hopefully next year will be better for all (at least we can hope, right?).
Now, it's time to turn your attention to your trip to Disney. The most magical and fun place to go. You and the girls will have a wonderful time.
We are so excited to go to Disney. It is going to be amazing. I can't even believe we are going.
I sometimes forget that the old me would never have gone to Disney. Its so frivolous and silly. I would have never made the time or "wasted" the money.
Yay for the new me.
I hope my last post didn't come off like I am obsessing with his christmas card, I definitely am not (actually being on Prozac I am rarely obsessed with anything anymore - its great!)
But I did want to make note of the Christmas card on my thread because it is a Huge thing. And definitely a sign of thawing and definitely nice to get pictures of the girls by his tree.
We are having a very wonderful holiday thus far, I am so happy and blessed.
BK,
We did Disney earlier this year and had a blast. Jan is a great time to go! Have fun. You guys will love it:-)
Bklyn,
So happy to hear you had a good Xmas day and your trip to Disney will be such fun for you all.
You sound great; well done you!
Disney is amazing!!
The girls are loving it!!! The keep saying disney is awesome.
I am so blessed beyond my wildest dreams.
My girls are so happy.
I am happy to read that you and the girls are having a fabulous time. Yes, Disney is awesome!
Venting...
I had a meeting at school today regarding my first graders speech problem. Totally unexpectedly towards the end of the meeting her main teacher not speech teacher said because she is behind in reading she may get left back. I completely disagree with this assessment.
(Also her main teacher just came back from maternity leave and has only been her teacher since thanksgiving! - she barely knows my daughter)
I then texted exh about it looking for support and asked if he could write a follow email to the teachers to find out what we can do to support our d6. I thought I was too emotional and pissed to write the email. He called me back and said that I should write the email since I was at the meeting. Then he said I forgot to fill out a form online to complete the split of the brokerage account and if I could do that right away cause he needs that money.
I was literally crying cause my daughter might get left back and he is just thinking about $$.
Trust me I have 0 expectation that he would do anything for me but sometimes I still have expectations that he act like a dad
It's hard not having a partner when you are raising kids. It's hard to know when I am over reacting. It helps to have a sounding board. Luckily my sister is a teacher and I have other mom friends and I have you guys and I have alAnon.
Bklyn, I dealt with similar issues with my daughter when she was young. Finally, when she was entering fifth grade, we moved and I decided to enroll her in fourth grade instead, voluntarily holding her back. It was the best decision I could have made. She wasn't far behind her peers, but she did struggle a bit and just needed more time to be ready to handle the content. That extra year made all the difference, and I wish I had done it earlier, as she might have gotten more out of her early elementary years, being more prepared and mature. The hard part is watching your kid struggle for years and develop self-esteem problems. I'm not saying you should have your kid repeat first grade, but I would also counsel you to keep an open mind and think about the possible long-term benefit to your kid (and to you, who will likely be the one struggling to help with homework for years to come). Anyway, I fought against holding my daughter back for years but it was to her and my own detriment. Now she is doing great, and handles the content just fine (she makes mostly As and a few Bs).
I always got emotional about my daughter's school experience too, but now I've learned to detach, to not think of her as an extension of myself, to worry less about what people think, and to really focus on her needs. That has been helpful, but it took me a long time to get there. Just know that it will be okay if that's the path you decide to take. I'm sorry you are dealing with that on top of everything else.
Thanks Ahoy. Its a good reminder to keep an open mind and I feel much more able to do that today. I really appreciate your post and I know that everything will be okay either way. I see what a bright girl my daughter is.
My big problem in this current sitch is I do not trust this teacher's judgement after only knowing my daughter a few weeks.
(My sister who is a reading specialist and assistant principal does not think my daughter needs to be held back and thinks this letter is a CYA type of thing because she is reading below grade level)
Also I have an issue with the whole emphasis on reading & writing in the first grade, if I could afford to I would send her to a Waldorf school and she would be doing hippie art projects and knitting right now. But this is my issue.
That said we have a few more months to go to see how she does and if the material is reading is really too hard for her.
I feel much better about the whole thing this morning. Thank you so much Ahoy for your feedback just knowing I am not the only person out there that has gone through this is huge.
Also just a question to the board - why has the type stamp been so screwed up since The Big Purge - or do I need to reset a setting?
If you are referring to the time/date stamp, yes, you need to go in and change it.
Check w/the school to see if they have someone who works w/child who have speech issues. I know that in my area, they have a speech therapist on staff who works w/the children. Also see if they have some after school programs for children who are a little bit behind and need extra help for reading. Maybe there is someone that they can recommend to work with her.
Your daughter still has time to catch up and improve before the end of the school year, but it's going to take some time and work and possible $$$ to get her the help she needs.
She receives speech services at the school and the meeting was her yearly speech review. The speech teacher was her biggest ally at the meeting and I felt like her assessment of my daughter was right on. The speech teacher knows my daughter and has been working with her for a yr and 1/2.
The speech teachers assessment of my daughter is that she is very bright but has trouble speaking and making certain sounds.
Her regular teacher (again who has only had her since after Thanksgiving cause she was on on maternity leave) is the one that made the assessment about her reading level and I strongly disagree with her assessment. I agree that my daughter is behind but not behind in a way that I should be overly concerned about. Each kid learns at their own pace.
My daughter is way ahead in math and the work that they do in school is way too easy for her but that is the thing with public school ... everyone is expected to learn at the same pace in every subject.
My sister, who is a NYC board of ed elementary teacher does not think my daughter needs services for reading. She does think we should work more at it at home but thinks my daughter in a range of normal for her age.
I do not want to start in the first grade with being overly obsessed with this stuff. And also making my daughter lose confidence in herself.
Furthermore the teacher sent home a book last night at grade level so I could see what kids her age should be reading and my daughter did great. She read over 70% on her own last night and this morning read over 95%.
I am not being closed minded, I know my daughter very well and was very open to getting her speech services which she needs. We need to work more with reading but the worst thing would be for us to over react.
I really need to work on how I react in these meetings where I feel confronted. I tried to be quiet but they asked me twice what do you think and when I open my big mouth I definitely come off as oppositional and defensive. Next time I am just going to say I am here to support my daughter and I will think about your feedback.
Also thanks job I found the setting change I needed to make.
My sister went through this w/her son in first grade. He had trouble with the letters: s, t and f. She took him after school to a speech therapist for a while and today, he's a senior and doesn't have any more problems with those letters. Apparently the therapist told her that her son used the pacifier too long and he didn't utilize his tongue properly in forming those letters.
Long story short, you might find some helpful suggestions on the net about how to work with her when sounding her letters.
Just my two cents.
Those are totally the letters my daughter has trouble with! and also L. It is also because she used a pacifier too long - especially at night. At the time I was going through the bomb and all this crap so the pacifier was the least of my concerns.
I will check the internet for some tips too but her speech teacher from school has also given me tips to tell her like "your tongue should peek out now or not peek out". She practices hard words while looking in the mirror which the speech teacher thinks is a good idea.
THANK YOU JOB!! So good to hear that your nephew made it through okay
My shrink just gave me some good advice - when I feel confronted and totally caught off guard I should just ask questions. That was helpful to try to remember
I spoke to my sister last evening and she suggested that you find words beginning with the difficult letters and practice saying them. If she doesn't say them correctly, have her watch you say them and then have her do it. We also purchased him the Leap Frog Pad and purchased stories that he could read along with. One thing she did advise, if your daughter doesn't say them correctly, just repeat the words back and then have her do it again. The speech therapist said when you tell them they aren't speaking correctly and call them on it, they will shut down.
During the period that my nephew was having difficulties pronouncing words with those letters, we all spoke very slowly and really pronounced our words. Today, it's funny when we think about it, but back then, it really helped him.
Thanks Job for taking the time to share those tips. I already told my daughter we are going to work on her speech more at home now so she knows its something we will do together:)
The key, make it a fun experience rather than a chore. My sister would give my nephew a special treat if he did well for a period of time.
I am really mad at ex-h and his inability to be a parent.
My ex sees his kids 4 days a month even though I have tried to leave the door open for him to see them more often.
This weekend was his weekend. On Friday i told him d6 has missed school and she was very sick with fever etc. he immediately suggests he skip the whole weekend. I say lets play it by ear and see how she feels.
Today she was much better, so he planned to spend the afternoon with the girls. In the end he spent 2 hrs!! With them 2 hrs. It's so sad I want to cry.
If he offered any ideas to spend more time with them I would allow it.
Maybe watch a movie with the girls here, or just take d4 for a little while or switch weekends or ... There are so many other scenarios. Instead he finds a way to spend as little time as possible with them.
It makes me want to cry for my girls. He is such a ba$tard. How dare he treat them like this.
Also of course the pick up for the 2hrs was awful. Cause they cant stand his coldness and he totally doesn't know how to deal with them.
I feel like my kids are being abused, by having a non existant dad.
I'm sorry, BK. It may sound cavalier as I know how much it hurts to watch your children struggle (trust me-I do:), however your xh is truly missing out. Wouldn't want to swap places with him for anything.
Hope your D feels better. You are doing great!!!
Its just too much sometimes being an ONLY parent
Doing the grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, homework, naviagating learning troubles, illness- cleaning up the vomit, snot & poop, whinning, discipline, emotions of 2 kids, teaching them some manners & some good behavior... ALONE! and then I am treated like I am the villain! F- him.
Today he has already emailed me about some BS financial stuff that I did 2 weeks ago because he is mad that I called him out on bringing the girls home yesterday after less then 2 hrs.
He also prob mad cause the girls didn't want to spend time with him. Again F-him.
He is gonna have to show up a lot more then 4 days a month if he wants actual relationships with his daughters.
He is so passive aggressive and its such BS. Heather I wish I had your way with words cause I am ready to send him my own email.
Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!
- Oscar Wilde
Lets just say my ex is a coward.
Yay for school being open!!
We had a great day yesterday playing in the snow we even built an igloo and made amazing chocolate chip cookies with our neighbors.
... but by 5:30p they were done, like burnt toast and then the non stop whining began until they went to bed at 7:30.
.. then they woke up at 6;30 and the whining began again.
I can't take whining!! I can't take it!!
I told them I am instituting a new whining policy - if I hear whining no playdates.
They said what does institute mean.
How I love them and boy how they make me insane!!!
Brook,
You are such an awesome mom.
Ya know. I raised two amazing daughters (well...one needs a little work)...but, they are super young women. And, I did it alone for the most part. Smokey was there, but not.
I know you stress about your ex being a d-bag. Don't.
They have you. The kids and I have wonderful, wonderful memories of all the things we have done together...gingerbread houses, trips without Smokey, swimming in the pond, day-to-day living, etc...
They will be ok.
For my part, I'm learning as much as I can about abandonment and how it impacts children and future relationships. At the very least, my girls will be knowledgeable of the issues they need to tackle in order to make a good decision on a husband some day. I hope they benefit from my disappointments.
Isn't it wonderful to have two girls? I mean all kids are a blessing but I have thoroughly enjoyed being the mom of two daughters. After BD I worried about the effect it will have on them but as long as we can be open and supportive then hopefully they will be strong and independent.
Sounds like your two are absolutely adorable Brklyn. It is tiring being a single parent but you seem to be handling it with grace and humor. Don't sweat the small stuff and make time for lots of snuggles.
I binge watched Girlfriends Guide To Divorce this weekend and really liked it.
Definitely not a pro-divorce show. It is a little unrelatable in terms of money cause they are all so loaded but that kind of makes it fun and fantasy.
I have also enjoyed that show. It is complete escapism and reminds me of "Sex & The City" only this show is set in LA and they are older and Divorced. Great fashion, lots of escapism and completely unrealistic for 99% of the population.
Me too! I'm also a fan. I miss Janeane Garofalo. But it's still fun to watch!
So fun to watch. I'm only on episode 7 so I am planning another binge watch next time the girls go with their dad.
Even though the life style is completely unrelatable the writing is good enough that I can relate to the feelings. It was good for me to especially watch the ow character and to not completely hate her but to see that she is just an idiot and in way over her head.
Another good show I started watching this year—Hindsight on VH1. Sometimes I admit I do find myself daydreaming about what I would do if I could go back in time and start over from my 20s. I would still marry H (after all, I couldn't imagine life without my kids!) but I would so approach our marriage and relationship differently... I guess I now have that hindsight I so desperately needed back then, whether I end up with H or someone else.
This May will be the 4 year anniversary of my journey... wow.
I wanted to journal how happy I am today.
I have such a great life. I have a good career, stable finances, wonderful parents & sister whom I have grown closer to, & of course 2 amazing kids.
I honestly don't think I could have been as happy if not for the bomb.
The old me always wanted more. A nicer house, (my apartment is a dump!), more "normal" and better parents, kids that ate their vegetables for breakfast lunch and dinner and of course I had a long long list of how I was flawed. I wasn't advanced enough in my career, I didn't cook enough, Im not skinny enough, my hair is not pretty enough, if only I could afford botox.
I finally feel like everything I have is enough.
There are still hard times, especially when the girls are disappointed by their father. That is really hard and really upsetting.
Love your post, Bklyn Mom! I too have grown closer to my sister in this process and I do have much to be thankful for. But yeah, our hearts still break for the little ones and that part is really tough.
I just need to post my email exchange with ex today since I am beating myself up for not replying so nicely too him. I am just so tired of his passive aggressive BS and honestly as a working single mom of 2 - i don't have the time or the energy to review & edit my emails all day. I am so done with him.
-----
FROM EX:
(some talk about soccer for the kids and then)
on a couple of other things:
D6 - i have been working on shampooing and brushing her hair last couple of visits. this last weekend, got all the tangles out, which caused a lot of tears, but her hair was so much easier to comb the next day. she promised to keep brushing so it wouldn’t hurt like that. i don’t know if she talked to you about it.
D4 - is she still getting the pacifier? she hasn’t with me since she was 3. and she’s been fine. i wonder if that is contributing to her reluctance to leave with me when i pick them up? is she sleeping in her bed at your house?
exH
ME
Okay glad you can make on time this Friday. My mom will be at home with the girls.
D4s soccer is 10A at the armory on Saturday and I am sure it will be okay if D6 misses a game or two. D4 would not be on the team she would just have the Sat morning class.
D6 has not mentioned shampooing or brushing to me. We continue to maintain our regular hygeine habits and I brush through her tangles onces a week or so when I have the time.
D4 still uses the pacifier and sleeps in bed with me and she's been fine. I have no idea if that is contributing to her reluctance to leave with you but my parenting methods have been made simpler now and I do not want to make bedtime more difficult for me or D4 or for my mother. I am sure she will grow out of both those habits.
Bklyn
-----
Do you guys think I'm a b!tch?? Why do I worry so so much that he thinks Im a B!tch. Why do I give a Sh!t worrying about what he thinks.
PS Thanks Lorilai for the Hindsight recommendation I will check it out this weekend
Do you guys think I'm a b!tch?? Why do I worry so so much that he thinks Im a B!tch. Why do I give a Sh!t worrying about what he thinks.
Ummm.... NO! Not even close, Brook! He asked you a question and you gave him an answer. Maybe it wasn't what he wanted, maybe it was, but you simply answered.
I think his line of questioning was geared towards you changing you habits to suit him. Or questioning the way you do things.... too bad, buddy.
I get why you worry about looking like a b. I think bc we work really hard on taking the high road that we question things like being curt or honest... or saying things they don't want to hear. Or, perhaps, to not be on the receiving end of crazy. Then, there is also the fact that we didn't cause what they did, and don't want to give them a reason to justify what they have done.
I think, in a way, too, we just aren't that person. We loved and shared a life with this person, and regardless of their actions, it is unnatural for us to behave that way towards this person.
Honestly, Brook, I don't think you did anything wrong at all! If he doesn't like your answer, that's something he has to live with. Don't make his issues yours. Don't doubt or question yourself. You are a role model for dignity and grace. He knows that, too. Probably what frustrates him. Because he CAN'T justify it. No sweat, Brook. Keep your head up!
THANK YOU Mighty:) Big Big smiles from me.
Thank you. That meant a lot!
OMG what a selfish self centred insecure man. no not a b. . .
And one day you will not care what you think. Right now he needs to be right about everything. What a jerk
BklynMom,
I'm sorry your h is questioning you about how you are raising your children. He has absolutely nothing else to complain about.
I do have one concern which, as you will recall, is very near and dear to my heart. Please, please start weaning your child off that pacifier. It is going to create all kinds of trouble with her speech and her teeth. She's old enough now to substitute a stuffed animal for the pacifier. I would hate to see her go to school and kids make fun of her speech. Kids can be very cruel and then your child will not want to participate in activities for fear of being teased.
As for her sleeping in your bed, you will eventually need to place her in her own bed...but that will come in time. Get her a nice stuffed bunny at Easter and tell her that's her new sleepy time friend and then gradually take the pacifier away from her. Eventually the bunny will take its place.
Thank you b and job.
I know he is so selfish. Never says thank you for me doing so much. All the other parents I know are amazed at how I able to handle raising two kids and working. All my friends (you guys included) talk about how lucky and amazing my mom is for helping me. Exh never thanks me nor does he thank my mother. He just sends emails like the ones above passive aggressively saying I am somehow less then good as a mom.
The pacifier is not ideal but I am not gonna upset our comfortable bed time
Routine. It will happen when it happens. Maybe I'll try again after his next weekend with the kids.
The extended pacifier use messed up my d6 speech but luckily my d4 speech has not been effected.
I am really working hard on not judging myself for not being a perfect mom.
That's kind of why I needed to share the email on these boards. I am slightly embarrassed and ashamed that my 4 year sleeps with a pacifier but seriously big whoop. It's so not important in the big picture. She is 4. She needs to feel secure and if I can give my daughter that (after her father abandoned her) that is my priority.
I am so blessed.
I am so happy in the life I have.
I am so lucky to have these boards
No one is a perfect mom or dad. You are doing a great job of taking care of your girls. Your xh is just looking for something to stir the pot with. He's not happy w/the way things are going in his life, so he wants to share that unhappiness w/you by criticizing you. Ignore him.
Completely agree with what Might, Bea and Job said. Sounds like he’s got something going on in terms of not being happy where he is. I like your response. I understand your concern though. Sometimes I think I’m a b!tch when I reply to H these days. I just don’t have any more energy or just simply don’t care how he interprets what I say anymore.
ExH just took a job out of town - and half way across the country until July.
Im just speechless
I'm sorry to hear this. They never cease to amaze me.
Bklynnmom, My H constantly blames me for S not wanting to do things or spend time with him. It has always been about my parenting, in fact he has said it's one of the reasons he feels the way he does. Meanwhile, I am raising our son while working full time. S gets awesome grades, teachers and parents rave about how well behaved he is, he has lots of friends and he is loving and caring. Do I ever get a thank you? Never. Just criticism.
I think they do this because they are not able to look at themselves yet. Because then they would realize that they are a part of the issue. They can't have that! So it's blame, blame, blame. You sound like a great mother, hang in there and try not to take his comments to heart. He is justifying his behavior to himself because he is unhappy.
I am sorry to hear about his job far away.
Um.....ok....is he going to pay extra for a sitter so you can have some kind of a life?
Hey Bklyn, I'm sorry he has made the choice to take a job so far away. Sorry for your little girls, too.
Yea, he needs to make arrangements for his time away so that you can have a life.
And dont worry about how you sound to him. Who cares? He no longer matters in your life except how it relates to your girls.
I am not saying to be unnecessarily nasty to him because that isnt who you want to be nor is it good for the relationship between you two as coparents. But, that doesnt mean he gets to say whatever he wants either. You matter, B.
Now, take a deep breath regarding the job. Dont get upset. Figure out what you need to do in order to deal with it. Then approach him from a place of strength.
Thanks guys I hadn't thought about asking for extras help while he is gone but thats a great idea.
My exH disease is that he is a workaholic - he uses work as a place to hide from emotions. Even when he is working in NY he uses work as his excuse not to attend any school events, as to why he can't ever ever walk kids to school or pick them up. Work makes it easier for him to have shorter weekends than agreed upon.
I had dinner with a friend tonight. She made me realize my exH did me a favor by leaving me. He is so insane and disconnected from emotions that eventually I would have been forced to leave. That would have been much harder.
I got lucky and have two amazing kids!
Hi Everyone
Just thought it was time for an update on my thread. Mostly because I need to let out some of my feelings.
ExH has been gone since Mid March. He came back over Easter Weekend and saw the girls for 36 hours. He calls rarely, maybe once a week. I have started to make the girls call him more often to help keep them connected. I know its important for girls to have strong connections with their dads.
Thats been hard since the girls are rarely interested in talking to him because he is so disconnected from their lives, so I have to act like its so fun & great to talk to him when its totally not.
It has really begun to soak in for me that not only is my exH a workaholic but he is a high functioning and successful Alcoholic. He does not look like an alcoholic that you see sleeping on the street but he is an alcoholic just the same.
I sometimes worry for my girls if he is going to accidentally kill himself. Either drunk driving or something.
I know from Alanon that my exH will continue to head down hill.
This weekend I was a little concerned because he hadn't called in over a week or picked up the phone when the girls called. He finally called this morning and introduced the girls to his new dog. Which I guess he bought in the city he is living in until August and then will move back to NY with the dog?? He also told the girls that they would meet the dog named Bobby Brown, this memorial day weekend when he is back in NY.
He is manic. He doesn't have time for kids but he has time for a dog??
Who is this person
The girls and I are doing great and having a wonderful spring. I am so so blessed and happy.
Hi BK! Just popping in to say hey. Hope you and your kiddos are thriving!
Hey 2
I am thriving these days.
So so happy. Most of the time I think I am so much better off without that loser exH.
I really can't believe I made it through those dark dark days.
I know I am friends with you on the alt under your DB identity but you should reach out to me under your real identity and we can catch up.
Are you thriving too? I hope so
Hey, BklynMom, I’m glad you are doing great these days. What happened to that dog that H introduced to your Ds? Does he still have it? How are your girls doing?
I'm doing well BK. I'll look for you in the alt.