Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Wonka Heather's Prison Break - 12/16/14 12:55 PM
Starting a new thread for Heather so she can tell us she's been spotted at the shore opposite of Alcatraz.

Hey you! smile Don't be a stranger...come on down and post your Technicolor update. Hope you were able to stare down Smokey at the hearing.
Posted By: Wonka Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/16/14 11:32 PM
Job,

Are you able to update us on how Heather is doing lately?
Posted By: Cadet Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/17/14 12:24 AM
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Starting a new thread for Heather so she can tell us she's been spotted at the shore opposite of Alcatraz.

Hey you! smile Don't be a stranger...come on down and post your Technicolor update. Hope you were able to stare down Smokey at the hearing.



well I would assume she will be on moderation as a minimum.

I was trying to figure out the reason for this thread finally I went back and read her old thread.

DB has their reasons weather we agree with them or not.

it's their sandbox and their rules so everyone play nice.
Posted By: beatrice Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/17/14 01:00 AM
Or leave the sandbox . . . .
Posted By: Wonka Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/17/14 01:13 AM
Christy,

How long is a person placed on moderation before being allowed to post again?

Thank you for your response in Heather's earlier thread regarding the rule against posting one's personal contact info in the forums here. We do understand the explanation.
Posted By: Mighty Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/17/14 02:35 AM
Heather texted me tonight. She wanted me to let everyone know she is doing ok. She has been trying to post, but it's not getting through.

We miss her here!!!
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/17/14 05:48 AM
Mighty, thanks for the update. I’m glad Heather is doing ok. I really hope that she will be able to post again. Moderators, please allow Luis to post. We all learnt the lesson. We want her back.
Posted By: Matt165 Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/17/14 06:07 AM
I agree! I'm dying to hear about the hearing! Not only that, it may help me in my sitch as I am supposed to have a meeting of my own with the lawyers. Give her a chance guys, I think she learned her lesson!
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/17/14 12:57 PM
Wonka,
I have been in touch w/Heather since the moderation went into effect. She's okay. I am not going into the details of the hearing as they are not mine to share, however, the hearing went just about how she thought it would. She didn't mention the house or the so called mess, but the issue of things being sold or given away came up, from my interpretation, as being done because the divorce was in full process. We all know that this is not true and she has all of her documentation to prove otherwise.

Another issue that came up was her youngest daughter's medical condition, which Heather is on the move to get the medical documentation for that as well. Her daughter's ability to go to a normal school, as well as her in-laws not being allowed to see the girls, etc. We know that's not true as Heather has invited them to come over, etc. Again, Heather has the documentation for that as well.

Bottom line, the issues that were around last year and the same ones that her h and lawyer are crying the blues about. As for the support issue, his lawyer is going to come up w/a proposal and get back to her lawyer. She's requested temporary support now, not later.

Next hearing is in March.

Right now, Heather is looking for all of her documentation to prove that what they are challenging her about. She is also working very hard to keep her focus on the newspaper. When she's able to post, she will do so.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/17/14 04:21 PM
Guys, you are all so awesome. smile

Thanks for the support and love and encouragement. Back atcha, every one.
Posted By: Lifes Twists Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/21/14 12:36 PM
Good to see you back smile
Posted By: 123Gwen Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/21/14 01:12 PM
Good news. Thanks for the update.
Posted By: Matt165 Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/21/14 09:36 PM
Welcome back, Heather! (Sounds like a great name for a sitcom!)
Can't wait to hear how it all went. Hope all is well with the girls as well.
Posted By: Wonka Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/22/14 01:02 AM
Heather,

I need an egg nog drinking buddy...come on out! Yeah, we all know that I'm already out shimmying in my feather boa. Just sayin'. grin
Posted By: Lifes Twists Re: Heather's Prison Break - 12/31/14 12:22 PM
Happy Holidays Heather,

Hope all is well with you and your daughters.
Posted By: BklynMom Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/02/15 01:08 AM
Thinking of you Heather.

I reached out to you on what I think is your Facebook page. Doesn't seem like you are very active but wanted to get in touch somehow.

Happy New Year Lady!

Miss you

V.
Posted By: 123Gwen Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/02/15 02:34 AM
Heather been thinking of you and hoping you are doing well. Holidays are hard and I am sending you wishes for a fabulous New Year!
Posted By: Wonka Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/06/15 12:00 AM
Job,

Are you able to get an update from Heather and let us know how she's doing lately?

Heather,

I need my dance partner back, y'hear me?
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/06/15 03:20 PM
Wonka,
The last time I heard from Heather was before New Year's. She's hanging in there.
Posted By: Wonka Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/06/15 06:16 PM
Thanks, Job. smile
Posted By: AJM Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/07/15 03:21 AM
Heather and Wonka dancing in the pale moon light? smile
(I hope you are doing well, Heather! Glad you're taking some time away.)

AJ
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/11/15 04:02 PM
Hi Peeps!

I think I'm doing ok?? I think?

I did need to step away from the boards for a bit to gain some perspective.

Yesterday, I happened to see this documentary about weight loss and it compared two people...one who kept the weight off and one who went back to his old ways.

The significant difference between the two? The successful person built a strong support system around him of people who understood, on a deeply personal level, the struggles he encountered. People who have been there and got through.

I don't want to go backwards. I haven't, as of yet, and I intend to keep moving forward.

Updates:

WORK: I spoke up for myself at work. I got the attention of the powers that be. I didn't do it perfectly but, in the end, I got a meeting with the publisher. I was honest and took responsibility for what was mine to own. It was a great meeting and I've had more support from the company than I've had since I started. Even the perfectionist editor has changed his tune and given me some support/encouragement. During the meeting, I could see where the publisher was saving his own face at times...in other words, some of what he said was crappola, but I was able to sit back, take what I needed and move forward.

I've been working hard at finding my own place with this job and figuring out what works for ME...I'm learning how I best accomplish things. And, I've faced the reality that I always tend to take on more than I can chew and, then, take the responsibility for ALL the world's problems when I should've been more realistic with what I'm able to do in the first place. It's now always ALL my fault.

Old Pattern for Heather...TAKE ON WAYYYYY TOO MUCH AND TRY TO DO IT ALL PERFECTLY AND, WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART, TAKE THE BLAME. Did it in my marriage, in my career, in all areas of my life. It's a way that I emotionally abuse myself.

D20: She is moving out today. I gave her an ultimatum. Either stay and contribute or move out. She chose to head back to P.A. She has no cell phone coverage because I stopped paying the bill. She has about $25 to her name. But, she seems to have things in place, at least temporarily, to keep a roof over her head and food in her tummy. She invested some Christmas money into the Jeep to get her to P.A. And, we downloaded a texting app so she can check in with me every 2 hours where there's free wifi.

We've had some great conversations in the past two weeks. Some angry and hard, some deep and meaningful. I see her as alcoholiIc and looking for another quick fix. But, I'm willing to step back and let her figure it out.

Part of me feels a bit resentful at how she bailed on me when I needed her help. She made things a lot harder these past months, when I had hoped she would make things easier. I know it was asking a lot of a 20-year-old...but, I also see how I put a lot of things into place for her to excel. IDK. I have a lot of feelings. I do see how she needs to find her way. I'm disappointed at how she is unwilling to make things work here...but, also a bit relieved.

I'm scared too, though. This will mean I need to put things in place for D12. And, as D12 said a few days ago..."Mom, it wasn't like D20 was helping us anyway. She makes things harder."

I feel angry that she pushed so hard to move and I put things into place only for her to jump ship when it got hard. I don't like that quality in my daughter. I don't like that she is opting to go towards the easy when she has Syracuse and umpteen possibilities here for a good life...but, here, means harder work. IDK. It feels like Smokey all over again. But, it's not. At least, I hope not. I know I will feel some relief when she is gone.

I hired someone to help. A great girl who is working her way through college. She is upbeat and fun. I'm so excited for her to help. I plan on sending Smokey the receipts for Care.com and let him know he is responsible for paying half of the 12 hours each week I will need her. I figure, if D12 was in school, I would still need help after because of the nature of my job. Twelve hours of childcare each week should be reasonable.

I still have loads of things to do for the D and for the homeschool and for my job and with finances. I keep putting the job first...And, my anxiety still slows me down, but it's getting better. And, listening to Gospel Music and sermons seems to help.

All in all, things have calmed down a few notches. It felt weird at first to have things go well. I'm allowing myself to get used to normal...I'm taking my victories where I can. Paid my heat and internet bill.

Still don't have any temporary support in place. It's a bit unbelievable to me.

Smokey sent this strange note on message paper. It was a proposal for a settlement. Parts of it were stupid...$150 per month for spousal support and he keeps the profit from the house...but, he did suggest $500 for child support and half of his retirement. He wanted me to send him back a Yea or Nay without showing my atty?? WTF?? Seriously? The bills for his atty must've come in. I believe he is counting on the profit from the house to pay for his atty. The money is sitting in escrow in his atty's name. It makes all the bluster about the condition of the house make sense. He may have gone in telling his atty that this was how he could pay for legal fees. Thus, the atty, went after what money he could see.

Oh, and he sent me a text before New Years where he admitted that he didn't pay any child support in November. I sent it directly to my atty.

And, there you have it.

I've missed you guys. Thanks for the thread Wonka ;-)
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/15/15 02:35 PM
Heather,
It's good to see that you found your "groove" and finally spoke up for yourself at work. You gained more respect by doing this than sitting there taking the bs from the perfectionist, etc. Now, your publisher is aware of what you've been dealing with and also want you want to learn and how to move forward.

I'm glad you finally put your foot down about D20. I'm sorry she opted to leave, but to be perfectly honest w/you, when she was away at school last year, you and your D12 seemed to settle down and enjoy life w/o a whole lot of drama. Moving out and being on her own may be the best thing for her. She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet w/o someone being there to fix all of her problems. Heather, don't ever think she won't be back...she will if things don't go well for her and she needs her mom to fix things once again. I know you love her to death, but this time, she will need to fix whatever jams she gets into on her own. She's an adult now and she will make mistakes, but that's how she will learn what to do and not do in the future. It's okay to listen and if she asks for advice, give it to her, but don't clean up her messes for her.

I'm glad to read that you have someone coming in to be w/your D12. I think this may be a win-win for you and your daughter.

From what you've posted, it sounds like things are starting to settle down and you are finally planting your feet on solid ground.

Posted By: BklynMom Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/15/15 02:47 PM
So so insanely happy to read your update. I really missed you, it felt like I lost a friend.

I will write more later about your update.

But glad you are posting again and I really hope you hang around!!
Posted By: beatrice Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/15/15 04:25 PM
I am so pleased to hear from you - what you have done is amazing, and really good and authentic choices.

Your daughter 20 has issues - everyone sees it but her. And only she can decide to be different. It must have been so hard to step away.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/16/15 03:29 PM
It's nice to be back.

Thanks for the nice reception :-)
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/16/15 04:24 PM
I'm so tired of this daily, overwhelming, persistent anxiety.

I'm ready to let go of the anxiety.
Posted By: HeavyD Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/16/15 04:32 PM
Perhaps you could speak to your MD about something to help with your pesistant anxiety? I did and feel much better and can function better too. Just my 2 cents.
Posted By: kml Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/16/15 05:47 PM
Heather -
do I recall that you have thyroid disease? If so, anxiety can be a result of low thyroid. (Obviously, you have PLENTY of situational reasons to be anxious, but still...).

Low T3 levels I find are often associated with anxiety. People being treated with the standard levothyroxine (T4) treatment sometimes don't make enough T3 on their own. Adding T3 (cytomel) or changing to the older desiccated thyroid (which contains both) often improves anxiety. check out the stopthethyroidmadness website to get more information.

If I'm wrong and you didn't have thyroid disease - think about yoga,tai chi, or meditation.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/17/15 01:16 AM
Thanks guys. It's nice to be back.

Brook, you will always be a friend. You didn't lose nobody, no-how. :-) I'd find a way to get in touch. No worries.

And, as always, much love to Bea and Job and Ellie.

Old Pattern for Heather...TAKE ON WAYYYYY TOO MUCH AND TRY TO DO IT ALL PERFECTLY AND, WHEN IT ALL FALLS APART, TAKE THE BLAME. Did it in my marriage, in my career, in all areas of my life. It's a way that I emotionally abuse myself.

I think this is the key to the anxiety^^^^^ Somewhere along the way, I got the clear message that the world is allllll MY responsibility. And, when anything goes wrong, it's definitely my fault. I had many, many re-enforcers with this message over the years and I, now, create my own re-enforcements.

I don't know. I've always had some pretty debilitating anxiety since I was a kid. When my mom signed me up for softball, I jumped out of a tree and tried to break my own arm so I wouldn't have to go to the first game.

I don't think it's my thyroid because I've had that checked over the years and it's always normal. But, maybe a few years of stress has impacted it?

One of Smokey's main complaints was my fear and anxiety. If I stayed home and kept things fairly constant in my environment, I was OK. If I added too many distractions and outside pressures (kids, job, extra financial pressures, too many family obligations), I'd get all freaked out and would easily get paralyzed with fear.

I think this is fairly amazing that I'm to the point where I'm actually able to face this anxiety. I took for granted that I'd just have to live with it.

Now, however, I'm ready to move past it.

I always a fairly heavy amount of scary, demanding, energy-sucking people in my life. Sometimes, I just wonder if I became accustomed to living with a certain amount of anxiety in my life.

And, now that I've removed a big chunk of the stressors--my brain is sorta looking for something to replace that pressure...even when it's not necessarily there.

Today, for instance...shoulda been a nice day. I was plagued with anxiety all day long. Horrible anxiety.

I'll table it for now, but it's time to face it, understand it, toss it.

Victories: New York has some more rigorous homeschool laws. I have to report to the school district four times each year. To get started, I had to write up a plan for the rest of the year and a synopsis of what we have accomplished. I finally got it done today. It was long and detailed, but I think it will help me as we move forward because I can use this one as my template and make adjustments as necessary. I was really specific and even came up with a daily schedule for D12. I'm excited about what I planned for her. Now, I just need to make sure it gets done. This was a big pressure on me and now I feel that the paperwork, at least, is manageable.

Things that are bugging me:

D12. Ugh. Still doesn't have any friends here. I hired this girl to help out and she was supposed to start this week. She bailed on me about five times. It was ridiculous. I was so excited for her to start. I hate that I will probably have to find someone else.

Anyway, D12 is fixed to me like a baby monkey. I want to scream. I feel responsible for her happiness. It succccccks. When she needs to talk, she talks to me, when she needs to have fun, she looks to me, when she is bored, she looks to me... I feel angry and frustrated as I write this. I'm tired of being her everything. I was so hoping this college girl would be the answer, but this week turned out like the rest. The college girl canceled several times because of the snow. She is really worried about driving in the snow. Ok, well, we have lots of snow. And, her dad was in some sort of accident one day. It was deadline day and this meant D12 was alone for one long day.

Work: Still haven't found a happy medium with getting the newspaper done in steady, consistent bits. The weather and mileage hasn't helped. I already have 8,000+ miles on my new car.

Money: Have to get a few more docs to my atty. One needs notarized. Haven't heard anything about temp support.

D20: She found a job in P.A. Wow.

Smokey: I allowed the cell phone bill to lapse because I told D20 she needed to take it over. D12 hated her phone and never used it. But, it was the number Smokey used to text D12 and D20...when he did text. Of course, D20 nipped any texting in the bud last month when she responded to him, "Not today Satan."

I didn't want to add fuel to the "alienation" fire so I let him know about this app that D12 uses to text me and some friends. It was like talking to a teenager, still. I tried to tell him to use some good judgment in what he texted and be respectful of her feelings...D12 isn't keen on him having this texting app because it's something personal to her. So, I tried to let him know. She is angry and feels badly when she doesn't want to respond to him because she loves him and doesn't want to hurt him. Silly of me to expect any co-parenting. I got ok and okaaayyyyyy...like he was some teenager and I was a parent scolding him.

And, D12 is pi$$ed. She hates that he now has this texting app and she is furious that he used her dog's name as his user name. "That's not his dog anymore. He has no right."

Not much to do about this, but had to let it out. He's such a child.
Posted By: 123Gwen Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/17/15 03:59 AM
So great to hear how you are doing!
Posted By: Matt165 Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/17/15 04:33 AM
Nice to have you back, Heather. Glad to hear that things at the paper are better and Mr. Perfectionist has backed off. I will say you are sounding much better and seem to be getting stronger. Hang in there, you'll find your way with D12, you know you will!
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/17/15 03:17 PM
Thanks so much, I appreciate all the thought of goodwill.

Sooooo much :-)

Ok. So, over the years, I gathered all these books on procrastination and writer's block...mainly because I was so afraid that Smokey would leave me if I didn't conquer this demon. Go figure! He was excellent at finding my weakest link and aiming all his focus on the target so I wouldn't even think twice about HIS character defects.

Anyway...One of the books I purchased talks about a common theme among some procrastinators and it really fits for me...

Sometimes your instincts tell you that success will cause you harm in your relationships. So, a procrastinator will try to do it all and, hence, avoid the success that would come from truly throwing everything into achieving a goal.

This really fits for me. I know that, previous to motherhood, I was incredibly ambitious. In fact, I was a grad assistant working on my Master's when I became pregnant with D20. I was actually relieved when I got pregnant because I was burned out with being the ambitious, go-getter.

Now, I had watched my mother throw herself into starting a business to the absolute neglect of myself and my brother and sister. She left us to the care of a crazy stepdad. I picked up a lot of the slack with my siblings.

I've got to compartmentalize and allow myself to throw myself into my job during the designated time. D12 will be OK. I can schedule time for her, so she has a fulfilling life too. I think a weekly schedule is important so that I know she will be cared for and she will get her schoolwork done.

It's physically painful to me when I even imagine D12 is suffering because of me.

With D20 gone, it's easier for me to fix this particular problem.

And, yesterday was a perfect example...D12 is complaining last night that she just wants to hang out with someone her own age. OK. Everytime this comes up, I say, "Well, there's dance class and there's an art class that starts on Monday...let's sign you up and you can make some friends." Silence.

It's not my responsibility if she is unwilling to take the risks to make some friends. I can't do it all for her.

I'm going to sign her up for Art Class today.

If I plan for 1-2 hours each evening where we hang out and read or watch T.V. plus one or two outings during the weekend...is that enough of my undivided attention? I honestly don't know.

I do know that I wake up each morning dreading the day because I know there's more than I can possibly get done perfectly. I know I will have to choose and I feel like Sophie in Sophie's Choice. Choosing my job over my kid feels so wrong. I know the pain of being pushed aside by my mother.

But, this isn't the same. Is it?
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/17/15 03:53 PM
Heather,
Your D12 relies on you to be her constant companion because you are safe and familiar. She's not going to go out on a limb and meet someone. I think the art class is a perfect way for her to meet other children her own age. There's always dance class, but what are her other interests? You have to remember that she's been use to having other children in the home for a number of years and her attention was on them. Now, the house is quiet and there aren't other children around, so she's looking for not only the "white noise" but others to interact with. Hobbies are great and if you check around your area, you may find some other activities that she may be interested in.

In today's society, both parents almost have to work outside the home. The reality in your situation is that you have no choice but to work and ensure that your children have a safe and stable home life. As long as you have activities lined up for your D12, i.e. school work, as well as other activities, spending time w/her in the evening and doing things w/her on the weekends, both of you should be okay. The young lady you have coming to your home will be good company for your D12 as well. The time w/her will give her something to think about and look forward to the visits.

You are not pushing your daughter aside. You have a job to work and during that time, your focus has to be on work. Check in w/her on during breaks and lunch times. Once you are home, your focus will be on you and your D12. It's going to work out. This is a new learning curve for both of you.

Just keep in mind, pushing your child away is not having much, if anything. to do w/them. You aren't doing that. What you are doing is entirely different because you are a caring and loving mother who is trying to find a balance for both your D12 and yourself. Never doubt what you are doing.
Posted By: Shining Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/17/15 05:39 PM
Heather, I'm so glad to see you back!!!!! The boards are not the same without you. I'm amazed at your progress. So happy for you and all you've accomplished thus far. Keep going!! The world is yours!
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/18/15 05:06 PM
Thank you Shining and Job,

Job, you woulda been proud of me last night.

D20 called in a panic because she arrived to move into her new place in P.A. and the landlord wouldn't let her in. She hadn't paid the deposit of $250.

I told her that I was sorry, but couldn't help her.

She figured it out and will have to call my dad to release some more of the funds from her college account. My dad thinks she is enrolled in community college. She will have to tell him that she isn't. She begged me to tell her what to say. I said, "Tell the truth."

I was reminded of the drama that comes with D20.

What's been hard is the fact that D20 always rallies her troops when she is in trouble. She is great at convincing others how she is the victim and not to blame for her troubles. This family she has been staying with for the past week has been taking her out to dinner and helping enormously. I know she has given them all the dirty details of our lives and how I used her college fund for an attorney and I still don't have consistent support, how I'm impossible to get along with, etc...It's been hard knowing she has altered the truth to suit her purposes...sound familiar?

Last night was some validation that she has some things to sort out...and, it's not all my fault. I know this in my head, but not necessarily my heart. She asked me to open the bill from the landlord which was still here. It was highlighted where she was supposed to pay $250 before moving in. Somehow, she got into the place without paying.

What's hard is seeing her struggle with the same issues I'm still struggling with...prioritizing, organizing, procrastinating...

Anyway. I DIDN'T RESCUE HER! She will have to sort this one out on her own. She gave me a teaser/hint with, "It would all be so much easier if I could call people. But, because I don't have the phone plan, I can't." I didn't bite. She has $12 in the bank and I'm sure some money was spent going out and so forth.

From reading this book on procrastination, I'm seeing I have a few things to put my focus on...LOVING MYSELF NO MATTER WHAT. And, looking hard at what reinforces/refreshes me.

I noticed that, in the book, the author discusses how procrastinators need to reward themselves with things like visits with friends and time on the phone. Well, I'm a bit weird in this respect.

Things that refresh me:

-Time alone with my own thoughts.
-Laying in bed, taking a bubble bath.
-Face creams, lotions, scrubs...
-Fluffy robes and pretty nightgowns.
-Flea market/yard sale shopping with $20 in my pocket.
-Craigslist.

I think the key is loving myself enough to give myself some rewards. I think that with this stressful job and single parenting, I have to focus my time somewhat in reverse. I need to plan for the good stuff in order to motivate myself for the drudgery.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/18/15 05:11 PM
And, I HAVE GOT TO STOP PUNISHING MYSELF WHEN I DON'T DO THINGS PERFECTLY ON A PERFECT SCHEDULE AND/OR I DROP THE BALL AFTER MAKING PROGRESS.

I need to be kind with myself. I came by these habits as a way to survive some terrible circumstances. I was just reading how sleeping is the best thing you can do when stressed. Bio-chemically, your body will repair the damage and sorta reboot when it sleeps. So, my habit of retreating to bed has, maybe, saved my a$$ all these years. So, I need to stop beating myself up for coming up with some fairly smart ways to survive a lot of stress. I just have to adjust things a bit. Not everything. A lot of what my instincts tell me to do is very keen and important to my getting into a zone to get my writing done.

I'm at my best when I am quiet, alone, have time to work out my thoughts, relaxed...Some of what looks like sheer laziness to the rest of the world, in my case, is how I process a lot of overwhelming information and get through/problem solve.

I need to trust that right now.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/18/15 07:26 PM
Heather,
I am not surprised at all that D20 called you. I think I posted that not long ago and she wanted you to rescue/fix her problems. I'm very proud of you that you told her to tell the truth and now, she needs to figure things out for herself. She's learning the hard way, but I can promise you this...when she's finally learned the lessons, she will not make the same mistakes over and over again.

As for the phone issue...she'll figure it out. Once she has money in hand, she can go purchase a track phone and purchase minutes or she can open her own account and learn to pay her bill herself. Her learning has started.

I wouldn't worry too much about how she paints you or her home life. Eventually people will figure her out and know that life wasn't so bad for her. Her troops will eventually realize what is real and what is Memorex when it comes to her drama...but it will take time. Her temper will get the best of her and she can't control it and that will be seen by all in due time.

It's time that Heather pamper herself just a bit. It's time that Heather realized that she is a good woman who has been tossed many rotten apples and it's time to make applesauce!
It's time that Heather learn to love herself and accept the fact that there is absolutely nothing that is "perfect" in this world. No one is perfect and that's why God made erasers.

Enjoy the rest of your day.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/19/15 06:18 PM
Thank you Job. :-)

I have had the most awesome morning :-)

I woke up all overwhelmed and discouraged. Same ol' Same ol'

A million things running through my head. All of these Shoulds and more Shoulds and, then, some more Shoulds...

So, I stopped. Just stopped it.

With the very first issue I was asked to put out in October, I froze. I went into the office and sat there and froze. So, I sat there, realizing I wasn't getting anything done and knew I needed to get somewhere quiet and put the paper together in peace. That's when Perfectionist Editor panicked because he couldn't find me. I had retreated in order to gain some clarity and the get the job done.

He panicked. He pulled in the reigns on that very first deadline...actually it was the day before deadline and I became a hamster on a wheel ever since...Trying to be here and drive there and do this and do that to make the powers that be happy.

So, this morning. I did what I had wanted to do that first morning...albeit I wasn't anywhere as prepared in October as I am now...I retreated. It's 1 p.m. and I have 2/3's of the newspaper ready for captions and proofs.

I did what works for ME. I didn't pressure myself to get all dressed and made up and drive another 40 minutes where I need to get settled all over again and situated, etc... I stayed put. Had my coffee, started slowly and built momentum until Page 3 was done by 9:30 a.m. Then, I put things in place for Page 4. Then, Page 8 and so on...

The tutor came today and was WONDERFUL with D12. WONDERFUL. D12 had, probably the best day she has had since we arrived. Schoolwork is done and so are chores. The jury is still out on this tutor/girl's reliability...but, man do I like what I see. She is so good with D12. She has her going to the art classes tomorrow that D12 stomped and ranted about yesterday. She is going tomorrow!! To art class with a bunch of other kids her own age!!!

I still have to go out this afternoon/evening to get some pics and I have to write my column. But, man! This is the best prepared I've been since I started. And! It's all local news!! Haven't borrowed a single story from the Times :-)

Atta Girl Heather!!
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/19/15 06:38 PM
And, another miracle to report:

A strange one...

So, last night at church, I had this clear message from God, my Higher Power, my inner spirit guide...call it what you will...

I was overcome, like I am often in church, with the grief of losing my husband. I had, as always, my notebook with me and I started just jotting down what came up. There was this crystal clear message..."Nothing has changed. Go back in time to those feelings. Nothing has changed. What was true at 12, 16, 18, 20 is still true for the two of you. Dig deeper. Reach out with love. Ground yourself in love. Appearances are deceiving. The devil is a liar. Reclaim the girl you were back then. Go back to her Heal her and he will follow. He needs a leader. It's never too late."

OK. So, I've had these messages from time-to-time...sometimes when I'm overwhelmed and want a fantasy of a man who will rescue me. This wasn't the case. This was more like the time when I was driving after a convo with D20 and I felt this huge nudge to tell him he was loved.

So, I'm in this good place and this morning...I reach out to Smokey. "How are you?"

He responds with some confusion and asks about the girls. I give him some honest assessments of where the girls are at...without too much detail.

He responds with some a-hole remarks on how to parent them...D12 needs to go back to school...blah, blah, blah...

I respond calmly...I've met with the superintendent and she has a school psychologist as a counselor...we are all in agreement we need to take this in steps...

He responds with more parental advice..."Well, she needs socialization..."

I respond calmly..."D12 is actually very adept socially. She's not the girl you knew--that's not a jab, just the truth. It's the math and writing skills she needs to work on in order to mainstream."

He asked about D20. I was honest. I didn't come out and say that she was alcoholic, but I did make it clear that she has some similar struggles to her dad.

I wasn't perfect. In a few instances, I shoulda probably shut up. But, it was the best interaction...as far as I'm concerned...for a long time....maybe ever. I was able to meet him as a flawed human being instead of focusing on the rejection. Wow. And, man is he out there.

Giving me parental advice as if he has this great handle on what his kids need. It was pretty sad.

Now, here's the thing. I said what I needed to say and he was the world's biggest d-bag. As per usual.

But, here's the miracle!!! I'm OK>>>>>I mean, I'M MORE THAN OK!!

I let him know he was loved no matter what...but, that I was still divorcing his a$$ and had no problem standing up for myself and the girls. But, I was honest and kind and told him he will always be loved.

And, he rejected me with his adolescent banter which gave me every indication of where he is at. Adolescence, still...

His final remark was, "Everybody has a right to their opinion. Later."

I didn't respond!

Didn't feel any attraction at all...Hardly any hurt. Just sad and the "WOW! reality of how immature this man is...I tell him I love him and how the kids love him and he responds with anger. He is so angry and hurt that he needs to reject me again in a very adolescent way. Shut me down.

The tone of the conversation made it clear that he feels very rejected and abandoned.

Anyway...don't want him the way he is today...no wayyyyyy, no hooowwwww...in fact, he made me think of some other men in a better light...sorta lightyears ahead of him...but, I did what God asked. I reached out with love and I didn't feel it necessary to have the last word.

I suppose, if this man every reaches a bottom...at least he will know I loved him.

Don't plan on continuing this conversation. It was too distracting and too unnerving. I will allow him to reach out if and when he is ready. But, I made it clear I'm not holding any grudges.

AND!!! The biggest part of all this?? I was able to compartmentalize the business side of this and the feeling side...This was the emotional side.

But, I told him I'd be in touch this week with an email about the business side of things.

Life is ok today.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/19/15 06:54 PM
Back to the job: It's taken me more than 8,000 miles on my new car to realized I just need to settle it down and get it done. There's no need to drive to hell and back just to prove I'm good at what I do. I, physically, can't be there for EVERYONE and, then, I'm no good to ANYONE.

I'm my worst enemy. Always pushing myself and pushing myself, when a simple recipe of calm, peace and relaxation and self-love will do the trick.
Posted By: kml Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/19/15 06:57 PM
The high road sure feels good, don't it? wink
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/19/15 07:03 PM
Yeah, it does...when you are on the road above looking down. Otherwise, it feels like getting run over by a truck.

He is in so much pain and ick. Quagmire of gross.

He wasn't able to just accept the peace offering for what it was. The anger and immaturity bled through.

I'm ok. Go figure.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/19/15 08:11 PM
Heather,
Continue to take the high road and I sense things are going much better now that your D20 and her drama are out of the house.

I'm so happy to read that D12 is enjoying her tutor. This is a huge step forward and you know what? She's going to enjoy her art class and she's going to make some new friends. This tutor sounds like a winner. You are going to see her blossom into a very active young and social butterfly very soon. This is all good.

You are learning what is best for you when it comes to focusing on the newspaper. This is great.

Keep up the good work!
Posted By: BklynMom Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/20/15 03:38 AM
You are doing so awesome!!

I too struggle with anxiety and perfectionism.

Until I got into alanon I never understood perfectionism. I thought there was no way i was a perfectionist - if I were I would be a size 4 and my apartment would be clean. I didn't understand that it was about our expectations for ourselves.

I constantly have to be reminded to be gentle to myself.

I constantly have to remind myself to do things at my own pace. Every time I read the news online I click on a list of 10 ways to be more efficient. These lists are evil and counter productive.

You are right - sleeping or mediatAting are the best the things you can do when you are struggling.

Stay strong lady
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/20/15 01:11 PM
Received a text from Smokey this morning.

"Have you heard from D20. She hasn't posted anything on Twitter since Friday. That's not normal."

I had just responded when I get a phone call from an insurance investigator. He is investigating the theft of tools Smokey reported from our property. WTF?
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/20/15 01:18 PM
Do you suppose he's trying to claim that the tools were stolen in order to get some money from the homeowner's insurance? If the tools that your h claims were stolen are the ones you bartered w/, be honest w/the investigator and tell him you gave them away since they were in your possession and that your h had walked away several years ago and had not indicated any desire that he wanted them.

Your h is out to get money any where he can and still stick it to you whenever he can. Heather, you can try to be nice to him, but until he's settled down, he's going to continue to bite the hand that's being nice to him. You can't trust him. Don't let your guard down.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 01:05 PM
Wow. Yesterday was quite a day.

Managed to get a good paper out. At least I think it's a good paper. I haven't seen it yet.

Yes, Smokey is out to get money. In fact, the investigator told me he didn't give any information about how to locate or contact me. The investigator had to get my phone number from the internet. Now. We allllll know Smokey has MY phone number. Hmmmmmm....

He filed a claim for $10k. Yes, folks...that's $10,000.
TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Insurance fraud is something new for Smokey.

He told me he is only doing what the Judge told him to do.

Which, by the by, IMO, bodes well for me. I think this was the court's way of saying there is really no substance here and if you believe the tools were stolen, then...by all means...be our guest and file a claim of theft with the insurance...in other words...Let the INSURANCE INVESTIGATORS deal with this crappola and we will simply abide by what they say. Actually, I'm pretty impressed.

The investigator was a nice guy. He actually said, "Yeah, I thought this was pretty weird. The guy didn't give any contact info in order to reach you."

But, the investigator is meeting, in person, with Smokey. That should be fun.

THEN...ON DEADLINE DAY MIND YOU...I get a phone call from my girlfriend back home...the one with the daughter that was sexually assaulted at my house. Charges of rape have been filed against this former student of mine. Wow. All I can say is "WOW."

Please God, I don't want this to go to trial. The kid plead NOT guilty, but I know that's because he has to in order to make a deal. Otherwise, he gets 10 years solid with no bargaining.

What a freaking crazy day.

At the end, I was laughing my a$$ off because of the insanity.

At one point, I said to Smokey..."Do you realize how bananas you sound?"

He went right back into "Tools, tools, tools, blah, blah, blah..."

Meanwhile, he is stalking D20 on Twitter.

I told D12 that he was following D20 on Twitter to give her a head's up. She is HILARIOUS.

She's like, "Oh, no worries here mom...I've used a variety of names and aliases in order to keep the creeps away from me...I never use my real name or town or anything identifying me on the public sites." That's my girl! Off the grid.

Whatta numnuts.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 02:32 PM
I'm glad you spoke to the investigator. I don't find it odd at all that your information wasn't given to the investigator. Your h was hoping he wouldn't contact you and that what he's claiming would go through and he'd get the money. Did he actually have that many tools or where they actually worth that much? I have all of my xh's tools and he had a lot, but they aren't worth that much money. Your h is about to find out that his claim may either be denied or reduced.

If this goes to trial, are you going to have to return for it? I'm sorry to hear that this case will continue on for some time. The kid needs professional help, not jail time.

Yes, your h sounds crazy and he's obsessed with money. If he was so darn bothered about his precious tools, he should have taken them when he walked. We can't feel sorry for him because he wasn't mature enough to do so.

Why is he so interested in D20 now? Is he hoping to track her down and try to talk to her so that she'll turn on you? I find it very interesting that he's stalking her now. I hope she's got good sense not to have much contact w/him at this point. As for D12, she's a smart cookie.

Hang in there. Your week started out nutty, but it should settle down soon.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 03:00 PM
Oh Job, it was such a strange conversation. You have no idea. I'm sure he has tried to stalk D12. I imagine he has told his parents and atty that he keeps in contact with them...so, he has to come up with information to feed them. "Have you heard from D12?" ...

He has a few potential responses...

-The honest one...she won't have anything to do with me.
-The lie...Heather won't allow her to talk to me. Now, however, the legal situation is challenging this one because I have his lame efforts documented and, now, he knows it...Won't fly with the atty...at the least...and probably not my FIL who is probably talking with the atty.
-The sneaky lie...He follows them on Twitter and whatever and gets info and feeds it to his parents to make it APPEAR as if he is in touch. How freakin sad is that?

The conversation we had yesterday was so strange, but really revealing into his frame of mind.

He must be really, really nervous for money. I'm guessing the atty fees are coming to something around $10,000. Hence, the claim.

Like you said, all things are revealed in time...

I got a glimpse into his life yesterday and it's not pretty.

I'm thinking he really flipped when we left. He had his troops rallied and they all jumped on the Heather is crazy bus...Look how she left the house. She took the kids two states away. She sold his tools for revenge...etc...

He, of course, fed this fire and played the victim.

His parents and this aggressive atty bought what we was selling and put things into motion to fight evil Heather.

Now, the hearing is over and his atty has a better idea of the truth...AND, the bills are coming in...His atty is probably realizing the claim about the tools is what it really is (his atty has been at this a long time)...a failed attempt to play the victim. Now, his atty is pressuring because he wants paid and sees that Smokey doesn't haven't have a legit claim.

So, Smokey goes ahead and files a fraudulent ins. claim hoping it will pass through the system unawares of me.

He's very desperate. I almost feel sorry for him.

And, in a strange twist, he seems to have been forced...because of the D charges and his atty telling him the charges of emotional abuse and abandonment are legit...now, he actually seems to admit he abandoned us.

When he said was giving me all his B.S. about the tools yesterday, I finally responded..."You abandoned your family. You left me with the house, yard, kids to take care of...for years. Your family finally got fed up and left. It's an ugly truth, but it's the truth."

He could only respond with more blah, blah, blah about the tools. He didn't argue the facts like he would have even 6 months ago...with some lame response like "Well, if you had gotten off your lazy azz and gotten a job, etc..."

He only has the tools. That's all he has left.

I have a job. The facts are out there. Atty bills are coming in and his kids have shut him out.

I told him yesterday..."I can't imagine the hell you have created for yourself. It must be awful. Even when I reach out and tell you the kids and I will always love you...you seem to react with even more venom and get meaner. How freakin sad. Take care."

All he could come back with was this lame..."But, what is the truth about the tools?"

He's fixated on it. And, he is projecting that I'm the kinda liar he is...

A whirling dervish and I'm two states away. Thank You God.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 03:03 PM
And, no, the tools weren't worth $10k.

A big chunk of what he is claiming was his..in actuality, was stuff I inherited from my grandmother because she owned the house when we bought it. It was stuff already there.

At most? $2K...and that may be high. It was all stuff sitting out in a barn without a door and a leaky roof.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 03:11 PM
Heather,
They get fixated on one thing and they stay on it. You've told him the truth about the tools and he can't accept the reality of what he's done. He left you and the kids w/basically very little income and you had to do something in order to get some help.

I really do understand what you are saying. I've been there and done that. My xh was the same way and only fixated on a plastic Easter Egg that his mother gave to me that was worth about $2.00. That's all my lawyer and I heard for months on end until he got it. It's like they have to have something to hold on to and when it's gone, the connection/thread has been broken.

Yes, you have to feel sorry for them, but not sorry enough to cave and give them everything. You can have compassion for them, but you can't be their door mats. Your h, like many other spouses, have lost everything and for what? Something "new" or a wonderful new life which turns out isn't any brighter or more promising than the one they left behind? They had choices and they certainly made the wrong ones. Now, they have to figure out how to go on w/their lives because we, the fixers, are no longer there to bail them out of their messes.

Sit quietly, more will be revealed in time. No more discussions w/him about the tools. Let the investigator break the cold, hard facts to him. Maybe he'll listen to what he has to say.

Keep the focus on you and your life. His is a mess and will continue to be so until he faces reality and truly works on himself.

Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 03:20 PM
Yep.

That's been the change I noticed this week with my interactions with him.

I've been able to separate the business from the emotion.

This week...it was clear as a bell how desperate and sad he is. I finally got to that place that I've seen you and Bea and the veterans describe...It's like breaking through this wall of grief and rejection where you finally see them for who they really are today.

This isn't the guy who surprised D20 with a dollhouse when she was 4. This isn't the guy who took D12 to the store when he needed some tool and came home with a Barbie Jeep...or surprised D12 with a puppy or came home with a hamster.

This man is very sick and sad and desperate.

For once, I could see myself turning him away in favor of a healthy relationship or choosing to be alone because I'm not able to tolerate that kinda crazee anymore.

Love him, hurt some for the pain he must be in...but, not allowing him to drive my bus into hell.

AND!! I wasn't scared by the insurance investigator. I actually enjoyed the opportunity to give someone the facts. It's just one more headache to handle.

Now, I gotta focus on some work issues. Yesterday, all the editors and publisher were acting kinda weird.

Then, I found out this morning that an obit didn't run. Better not get blamed for that one. Not my department.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 04:58 PM
I'm very glad you have finally scaled the mountain and are sitting at the top looking at your h as he is today, not what he was in the past. It takes a long time to get to that place, but everyone will eventually.

They are very broken, sad and yes, desperate. Money tends to be the root of many of the discussions we all have had w/them. Money to them equates to power and fun. Sad, but money can run out if you don't manage it properly. It's not how much money you have, but what you do w/it that counts.

Well, the investigator now has the information from you, the one living in the house at the time of the tool saga. No, your h didn't plan on him contacting you, but they don't leave any stones unturned when it comes to paying out for loss, damage or stolen goods.

Focus on work today. You had a lot going on yesterday, but look at how well you handled all of it. I'm very proud of you. There was a time you would have been in a tail spin...not any longer.

Hang in there!
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 05:44 PM
OMG. Why does this all happen at once?

Now, I'm feeling a bit squirrelly.

So, I never mentioned yesterday that the realtor sent me some edocs to sign.

Well, they wouldn't download...which is a miracle. Because he sent them again and I read them...yesterday was deadline--didn't have time.

Today, I look them over. It says, "Seller will provide certified check for $5000 at time of sale." Wha???

The profit on the house was only $6K.And, it's in escrow.

The plot continues to thicken.

Apparently, the lender wouldn't ok the sale because we have pond water at the old house and it isn't hooked up to the county water. We (I guess that includes me?) agreed to pay for half the county water install...When exactly did I agree?

And, who is paying the $5k?
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 05:48 PM
I told the realtor, "I need something that says Smokey is responsible for the $5k."
Posted By: Wet Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 05:51 PM
Hi Heather, check the Purchase Agreement. These sort of details are usually spelled out in the Purchase Agreement, including the Seller's responsibility to pay for things like installing water. You should also check out with your realtor or closer to see how long the escrow will hold before sending you the funds. Good luck.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 05:57 PM
The realtor says the money will be coming out of the proceeds of the sale.

But, the purchase agreement...which I'm supposed to sign off on says the seller will supply a certified check at the time of sale for $5K.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 06:06 PM
I would go back and question this w/the realtor. Maybe that can come off the top of the sale or from the escrow account. If there is $6,000 sitting in escrow, maybe they can work that out w/o bugging you.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 06:59 PM
Ok. So, it will come out of the $6K that was meant to be the profit. No wonder Smokey is smoking :-)

That leaves about $1K from the sale of the house...Definitely not enough to pay a pricey atty or any amount the court may force Smokey to pay (tuition he promised/deferred comp he used)...Which explains the insurance fraud which explains the ins. investigator's phone call which explains...the house that Smokey built.
Posted By: Lifes Twists Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 07:08 PM
Sounds like its going up in smoke cry
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 07:21 PM
HA!!

Just found a mistake in the paper. Dammmmmit.

Missing obit and two mistakes so far...One that the perfectionist editor will scream about.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 08:28 PM
Any way you can fix the mistakes before it hits the news stands?
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 08:44 PM
Nope.

It's out.

Two mistakes that I've noticed. Two letters to the editor are missing the location of the person who wrote it. One has question marks because the paginator tries to communicate via the page. So, she hopes I will see the question mark and it gets fixed.

In this case, I knew the guy who helps me had gone over the letters and I assumed, wrongly, that he had caught everything.

I didn't sent out an email update last week to the two editors and the publisher. But, I'm working on one now. I addressed the mistakes right off, took responsibility and told them how this communication via the pages needs to stop for my publication because we have a lot of copy to cover and only a few sets of eyes. IDK.

I'm bummed. What the heck? The devil saw that I was relaxing a bit and decided to turn up the heat again.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/21/15 08:58 PM
I hope that you can set up some sort of system that when someone has questions or needs the "fill in the block" type of things it will catch your eye. Apparently they haven't communicated with each other for a long time and need to go back to the basics of asking verbally or sending you an email to let you know when something is missing, etc.

The guy who helps you apparently didn't see the question marks either and that makes me wonder if the question marks were clear enough or maybe they needed to be bolded and in a different color than the black. Something eye catching.

Yep, your attention has been elsewhere w/the stuff going on w/the h and the devil had a little bit of play time. Now it's back to the classroom and your focus has to turn back to the work at hand.
Posted By: BklynMom Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/22/15 02:07 AM
Proofing this kind of copy gets easier with practice.

Once you have more experience the errors will automatically pop out more to you.

It is distressing that the guy under you did not catch the mistakes in the letters section, but that is why its so hard to be a boss. You always have to take the hit for things even if you didn't do them.

Nothing sounds terrible - don't sweat it. Work on content and readership and selling papers - let the perfectionist editor worry about perfection.

You are a great writer as we all know from reading your posts here. Keep writing not worrying
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/22/15 02:54 PM
Thanks Brook. That' really calmed me down.

I sent the publisher and two editors an update of what I've been up to and I addressed the mistakes. I haven't heard anything back.

So, more news from the Smokey front.

He hasn't sent any support for this month. So, I did what I've been doing since forever...I transferred money from the account.

Today, I look at my bank account and he has closed the account and the withdrawal was reversed.

I had withdrawn $400 because that's what he is telling the courts he is paying me. He does pay about $200 in car insurance each month, but one of those vehicles is the Jeep our D20 drives.

Oh my effin God.

On a sorta funny note. I hadn't heard anything from him yesterday and thought to myself...wonder what evil he is up to? Now I know. When Smokey gets quiet...it's never good.
Posted By: BklynMom Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/22/15 04:47 PM
He is really an a$$H

Just keep on keeping on you. You are doing great.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/22/15 04:53 PM
Yep, when they are quiet and even going out on the limb to say communicating and being nice, you have to keep on your toes. They always have an ulterior motive and he knew you would find out about the account when you tried to get money. My xh did something very similar w/his direct deposit salary check long ago. They don't have the guts to tell you what they've done, so they do it this way, thinking it's sweet revenge for you to find out. It's a passive way of doing things. I wouldn't say a word to him, but I would let my lawyer know about it very quickly. Don't let this slide because you need to have this documented w/the lawyer.
Posted By: Mighty Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 01:35 AM
Heather, my h did the same thing as job's too. Changed the direct deposit without a peep. They are friggn' idiots, but they usually end up screwing themselves more.

OK, so what I've read is that you and I are even more similar than I realized. I, too, have to decompress to process. I retreat.

(WTH??? I just deleted half of my post???)

I never realized it until this year when I was dealing with overwhelming emotions and stress. Prior, I don't think I really did it like that- I was always going 100 mph. Now, I kind of shut down.

And I am a guilty procrastinator. It's weird bc I am really motivated and love to be busy and active, but I am a major procrastinator with some things. I am so ADD, too. So I am easily distracted. When dealing with something I don't want to do, my mind goes in 1,000 directions. I will do 10 things at once.

Now, about the paper. Maybe this will help, maybe not. But, can you try a check list? Things you need to double check. Like locations of contributing letters. I mean, maybe something you have missed in the past, you can create a check list. And add to it other things you are sure you don't want to miss. I know it's a lot to look at, but maybe just a self-check. I have to be very specific like that, myself, sometimes. I don't know. I know that it is such a different part of your brain... the creative side, the writer vs the structured editor.

I'm really proud of you, Heather. And, I think you need to give yourself more credit. As far as dealing with the anxiety and fear... well, girl, look-y what you have done the last few months. A fearful person would move into a new and strange place and start a new life with her girls the way you have. You took the bull by the horns. You took the world by storm. Take a deep breath. Look at what you have done. What you are doing. Dealing amazing well with the situation you were in. Only a strong woman could do that.

Don't overdo it. One step at a time. And enjoy them. You can't be everyone's everything. You don't have to be, and no one expects you to be. Deal with the task at hand. Then move to the next. Find enjoyment in each one.

I am so happy d12 has some things going well for her, too. It will also help take some of the pressure off you. It will also help you feel better, knowing she has things to occupy her and for her to look forward to.

Hey, btw, are you able to do more work from home? Do you think it would help? Or go to a coffee shop close to home? I'm just thinking a less stressful environment. Less distractions. You know, when you get in your groove, as a writer... you need your space. And maybe the time saved driving could alleviate some stress (sometimes it is beneficial!).

Just thinking.
Posted By: BrightFuture Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 02:11 AM
Heather, good to have you back here posting. I’ve been reading along, just don’t have time to post. Plus, you get a lot of good advice here and much needed support. I’m impressed with what you have accomplished so far. I agree with Mighty, see if you can work from home more.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 03:00 PM
Um, just got a selfie texted to me by Smokey.

He looks old.

WTF??

Says he misses talking to me.

Dropping the ins. claim.

Sent me $350 and will send more next week.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 03:01 PM
On a somewhat funny note...I was looking at my dating site this morning and deleting guys by looking at their pics. I would have deleted this guy's selfie.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 03:39 PM
Please Note: For anyone who hasn't been at this long, read this post with a grain of salt. This isn't my first day at the MLC rodeo. I've been at this awhile. Smokey moved out 3 years ago this week-next week? I can't remember.

Anyway, I've learned that each MLC case is different and, sometimes, we have to make choices based on our relationship with our spouse.

I have been on an evolving journey in terms of standing up for my truth. I spent a lifetime being polite and putting my opinions, thoughts, feelings and needs aside. Speaking up is a part of my journey--especially lately.

With that said...I had the best day yesterday!

After finding out about the bank account yesterday, I was furious. FURIOUS. I have reached my limit with this dickk-head.

However, I found out, after, that the calendar page I recently worked so hard on recreating--well, the banner ad is sold for the next three weeks!! I, immediately, sent a message to the publisher and editors to toot my own horn. Received some nice feedback. :-)

Despite the bank account issues...I had promised D12 for months that I would take her to the mall yesterday. And, I was tired of breaking promises of fun to her because her d-bag father wouldn't step up and pay for his kids. I decided to go ahead with our plans.

We had a blast! Spent about $100, but it was worth every penny and I'm so glad we did it.

Before I left, however, I sent this email to Smokey...

Email: I really need for you to understand a few things about my situation and the girls. And, I really, really, need for you to remove the anger and whatever from your ears and hear the facts.

I'm not harboring any grudges. If you were that miserable with me, then I hope you have found what you were looking for in your new life. I'm angry about your dishonesty and how you went about things and how you seemed to rewrite our history to be full of misery--which, in my opinion, it wasn't. I think we had a beautiful family and some fairly normal family issues, but I do not and never will wish you ill will. You will always be my childhood friend, Smokey, and I will always want the best for you. And, the anger is slowly subsiding. Honestly.

I now know how resilient, smart, brave and amazing I really am. Same goes for our girls. They are amazing kids who have walked through some really tough situations.

I felt just as stuck as you did and now I'm not.

I like our new life. I love our new home. I watch the sun rise over the Adirondack mountains every morning. I've made plenty of new friends and I wouldn't have made any of these changes without you and (skank). I'm happy. I've learned so much. I've experienced a lot and I don't regret a single thing.

But, I need you to understand how your actions impact D12's life.

When I get a call on a Tuesday morning--deadline day--from an insurance investigator...that impacts D12's life. It makes it harder for me to focus on my job. It means I have to contact my atty...which means I have to pay more money for a divorce/dissolution which seems to never end. Then, when I'm already struggling to make ends meet...

First off, I'm still on probation at work. The stress of moving, starting a new job, the divorce, getting Louisa acclimated, handling Cal, handling the pets, etc...all took it's toll. And, the tone Jim took with the human resources v.p. (who is really good friends with the publisher of the paper) didn't help me any.

I was hired to act as editor for two newspapers. The second newspaper is in jeopardy, in part, because of my stress in handling a volatile divorce and the umpteen things I've had to deal with back in Ohio. I'm not blaming you. But, I need you to try to see things from my perspective.

You left me with a lot to handle and little money to do it with. I worked hard to makes some changes in my life.

Plus, I had to give my bosses info about the divorce because of the hearing scheduled on a deadline day. I put the newspaper together on Monday and Tuesday.

I interviewed for jobs in Ohio. With my qualifications, I had the opportunity to make the most money working for a newspaper or magazine. I interviewed for a reporter job in Millersburg that paid $25,000. If I really wanted to sock it to you, I coulda taken a much-less paying job. I didn't.

It cost $5,000 to move from Ohio. I had to borrow money from my dad.

I filed for divorce because I was advised, with your track record for support payments...that was my best option to make sure I received support money after I moved.

I, honestly, on the Bible, didn't earn the thousands you are claiming for any tools. I sold my wedding rings to pay for gas and repairs to the Jeep to get to my interview in N.Y.-- the tool bench (which was Lawson's and, thus, a piece I inherited because my grandmother owned the property)--I sold it for $200 to a good friend who repaired the barn roof. I also spoke to two?--at least one appraiser who assured me I was getting it's value at $200. You can do your own research on the piece. I put it on Craigslist, but only received calls from scammers. An appraiser at the Antique Mall finally put to rest any idea of getting thousands.

John has your toolbenches on wheels in return for the countless hours he put into helping me with yardwork and the house. I wouldn't have had firewood or a mowed lawn or even groceries at points without the Fxxs.

I've enclosed the timeline I presented to the investigator. I couldn't give it to the Judge because, without my being there, it was hearsay. Ten people came forward to provide their written testimony that what I said is what happened. I was advised to keep all this information from you because you have an aggressive attorney.

In truth, I bartered with neighbors who had helped us with yardwork, house repairs, barn roof repair and even groceries. I can't say if things were taken, because I'm not sure what was in the barn to begin with?? That was your domain.

Smokey, I caught you in our yard a 3 a.m. You said you had done this many times before. You took your Jeep CJ without my knowledge and sold it without giving me anything. You could have taken what you wanted in 2.5 years.

What you are claiming with the insurance is fraud. You know it. I'm assuming your atty's bill are probably going to come to around $10K? And, now you don't have any profit from the house. I still know you and your sneaky ways pretty damn well. Even if you don't want to admit it. Sorry.

This job pays $40,000 and I was to be given a pay hike after 3 months. That's shot to hell.

Fort Drum drives up the rents around here. I'm not ready to buy. I could have moved Louisa into an unsafe neighborhood in a run down apartment and still paid $1500 per month. Take a look online. There are apartment complexes that are cheaper, but I would have to move our daughter--used to 5 acres--and her rowdy dog into a complex in the city? I did what was best for D12. I hope you could understand that fact.

The Subaru. The Jeep needed lots of work. I drive 40 minutes to work...sometimes in whiteouts in an area which receives 200 inches of snow each year. I needed a reliable vehicle. I just did.

When I moved, I mapped out my expenses. I knew it would be tight for the first 6 months...but, when I factored in your $500 child support, I could do it. That $500 was based on my $40,000 income.

This is what I'm asking.

Can we please put this to rest?

I have a child who counts on me entirely right now. I have two cats and a dog (which you brought home)...I have a high rent and a car payment. This is the truth. I don't have anyone helping me with my rent. I have a preteen who wants skinny jeans and a trip to the mall just like all preteens.

Financially, you are in a much better situation than I am. I don't want anything that is unfair.

I'm soooooo tired of having to ask about support payments.

In some ways, I've made things so much easier for you. As I see it, you have a lower support payment and you can use me as an excuse for not seeing D12. Say what you want. Paint me as the bad guy. I don't care anymore. I have all the documentation showing my attempts to get you involved in her life. I have an email asking your parents to contact me to arrange visits...but, why go there? It's only going to do more damage to D12, for one. The house is almost gone...And, yes, you and Dani had to work to make it pretty for the realtor, but I cared for it for 2.5 years without help...sometimes without any financial help and a very small income.

Every day this goes on, your kids become more and more convinced you are bad news. D12 sees the stress. She posted on Twitter a pretty angry rant about how you used Midget2Toes as your Kik name. She is working through some very difficult feelings which I believe you, as a 12-year-old, understood personally.

She sees when I am upset because I can't pay my bills. The kids are so hurt by your abandoning them already. That's the cold, hard truth. You abandoned your kids. Proving your are right about some tools in a court of law isn't going to change that truth. It only makes them see you as someone who doesn't want them to move forward with their lives. Honestly, you haven't been a part of their lives for the good part of 3 years and you are fighting about paying child support until 21 on D12. That's just wrong. Maybe, if you had been a stand-up guy, it would be different...but, your kids have been through hell. You have become someone who creeps on your 20-year-old in order to find out information.

And, don't give me the b.s. about you can only get knocked on the head so many times. You no longer have the right to cry like a baby with me. Your character defects are now documented and out there for the world to see...You didn't pay her freaking tuition. You let her down in so many ways. If anyone beat their heads...it's been D20.

I'm willing to set aside everything except for child support and spousal support for now.

I need a break from this insanity. I do not want to go to mediation.

You're handwritten note-page proposal was silly.

I do not want to be on a family car insurance plan. I want a few months to get my own insurance. You can continue to pay for D20's if you so choose. But, that money for the Jeep's car insurance cannot be construed as child support for D12.

I want a check each month for $500 for D12...after I get car insurance. In the meantime, I would like to get the $400 you told the court you are paying me. Just for D12.

We could drag this out. I'm fairly certain that the court will give me a good deal and, I think you are beginning to see that. Your retirement is just a given.

All we have to do is agree to table the rest of the items, temporarily, and you agree to pay me $500 each month for D12 like you said in the note.

I'm asking for $600 per month in spousal support for five years. Factor in the hell the we've have been put through...I know you won't like it. I get that. But, I'm the mother of our children and I've worked hard. I'm still working hard. I have it documented where you have abstained yourself from being financially responsible in any way for D20. I have it documented where you simply removed yourself from their lives for months and months. I didn't do that. YOU DID. I have it documented where I asked you to become more involved, asked for set visitation, where I accepted your excuses when you canceled visits.

This is when you come back with a figure.

I've tolerated a lot from you...while we were together and while we are apart. I took the blame for a lot of stuff...you're affair, you're drug use, your lies... In some ways, I gave you everything you wanted/asked for...freedom from responsibility. I shouldn't have. But, I need your help to make this work. You had to clean a damn house with your girlfriend.

OH, and, you know, when we got married, you were clean. You promised to stay clean. You bailed on plenty of promises.

Please stop blaming me and help me, help our daughters.

I need a chance to get on my feet.

I love you and I will never accept that you are the guy who is wants to be a$$hat. You will always be the guy who dove into the lake to show off...and, brought home a Barbie Jeep and puppy for D12 ...In my opinion, I think the ball began rolling with some partying and whatever and you had no idea how to stop it. That's fine. The girls love you. Midge (dog) loves you...or could again if you were nice to her for 5 minutes. Prickers (cat hates you.

And, don't make me regret sending this. Seriously...

Please stop being a dickk. I know you aren't to be trusted right now...

But, dammit. This is so freaking complicated and expensive...

Thanks...oh, look, I added a "k" and a "s" and it didn't take me more than a fraction of a second!
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 03:43 PM
I responded to the text and said thanks for the check and the nice message.

He responded: The pic is so you could hang it on the wall and throw darts at it.

Me: Oh, it's already on the wall. ;-)

Smokey: That's really funny...

Then, asks me for D12's twitter account name because he wants to see the rant she left about him. He misses seeing face and wants to try to understand how she feels.
Posted By: kml Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 03:51 PM
Lol. Fascinating.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 03:58 PM
To make it even stranger.

Yesterday morning, I'm listening to a sermon where the minister says, "God is unexpected. He will always surprise you."
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 04:18 PM
Dammit.

Just finished another texting convo.

Ok. This needs to stop. I stopped it. Said I needed to step back.

It was all about D12 so I felt compelled to keep talking...then, my feelings get all flustered.

Find my center. Breathing.
Posted By: beatrice Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 04:44 PM
Heather - I think the MLCers part time hobby is suckering us back in to extended conversations.

Your message, while excellent, was much too long. Communication with MLCers is best kept short - we tend to use it to offload a lot of deeply held feelings. They can't deal with that level of information for starters, let alone the complexity of emotion.

I begin by saying everything I want to say, then i cut it ruthlessly to up to three main points, and say each like a headline.

They aren't reading the editorial honey-child, and even the headlines are a stretch.

Most recently my xh contacted me to complain that I had singlehandedly alienated the children (now aged 35, 33 and 28 - go figure) and he wanted to have a relationship with them. He then told me that I had approached him to have this discussion (?) I simply said that whoever had done it, it was a honourable thing to do, which cut the ground from beneath his feet!

Didn't argue the toss about anything else - just sent a short and pleasant email saying that it wasn't very likely given their ages, and would he like us all to sit down together and talk it through? And even that probably overburdened the guy (he has a PhD and has published a number of books, so not generally stupid)
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 04:51 PM
Yep, Bea, I hear ya.

I was angry and it was more for my benefit than his. I vented on him.

I really need to step back now.

He did draw me in...much too easily.

I did what I needed...He knows how I feel. Now, back the eff off Heather.

And, from a scientific standpoint :-) I could see the fog rolling in on my own brain as the convo continued today.

I started off fairly grounded, accepting of what is, yadda...

Then, after talking to him, by focus shifted...began feeling driven to give him more and more information...unnecessarily and undeserved at this point.

That little girl got all jazzed up. Grown up Heather needs to sit that little girl down and give her a craft to work on.

Meanwhile, nothing has changed.

We've been through this a million times. Smokey has a moment of clarity and feels sorry for his actions...more likely, feels sorry for the consequences of his actions.

If it's a legit awakening, he needs to do the heavy lifting anyway. I can't help it along or fix it.

Other stuff to do.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 07:36 PM
Heather,
You need to set a boundary w/him. Advise him of your work hours and that you will not be available during those hours for texts, emails or phone calls unless it is an absolute emergency. You've laid everything out and he needs to realize and accept that you are still on probation and need to keep your focus on your job during those hours.

I don't trust him one iota. The man has proven time and again that he can't be trusted. Keep your emails short, to the point and sweet. They can't focus on lengthy correspondence. I know, you tried to stay on point and then he sucked you back in. As for his selfie, put it on a voodoo doll and poke pins in the doll. That was such a childish move on his part. Yeah, he misses you alright. He sure was baiting the fishing line.

BTW, I'm glad you and D12 did something fun. You have to let your hair down once in a while and it appears that both of you enjoyed yourselves.

As for your D12's twitter account, discuss it w/her and if she doesn't want him to have access, so be it.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 08:00 PM
Ok. The picture rattled me.

I still don't get it. He looked terrible. Why send me an ugly picture?
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 08:03 PM
Maybe he wanted to jog your memory of what he looked like? He might think he looks handsome. Who knows...but I certainly wouldn't worry too much about it. There's not enough lipstick out there to put on the lips of this pig, i.e., nothing has changed even w/the lipstick all over his face. LOL!

Let it go and just shake your head. He needs prayers.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 08:25 PM
Nothing has changed. Ok.

Focus on job, D12, me...

Yup.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 11:14 PM
Clarity has returned.

And, wow. All I can say is, "Wow."

When I first came on these boards, I would read about those who have followed this path before me. They would talk about how their lives are so much better, whether the MLC-er comes back or not.

And, these posters would sound so OK. And, in all my pain and grief, I just couldn't fathom ever being OK again.

I couldn't fathom ever being in a place where I could see myself happy without my spouse.

Well, Hallelujah!

I think I get it now. :-)

I wish I could pour this feeling through the Internet so you all could get a taste of it. This journey is worth it. All the pain leads to something better than before.

It's not about him. It's about me. I'm different. I expect more. I deserve more. I know myself. I'm not going backwards.

I pray for him. I hope he finds his way...with me or wherever...but, I'm not his patsy anymore. And, I think he knows it.

The selfie this man sent...well, I could do better and, since he's left, I have actually.

I took a close look. Bloodshot eyes, sallow skin, bloated face...not the picture of health I usually feel attracted to. I would not, NOT, pick this guy out of a dating site and seek him out. If he tried to message me, I'd delete him...especially when I read "smokes regularly," "drinks socially"...

That was the weird part...that's what struck me as weird. It looked like a picture from a dating site.

In other news...I told my mom about the selfie. She called and asked if I would send it to her. I asked her Why? and who she was planning to show it to? I declined. I said, "Mom, he's a very sick man...I'm not sending his sad picture around town for giggles."

What was really interesting, D12 overheard. She became irate and full of passion. "Don't send it to MeMaw. He's sick mom. That's just wrong. IT's WRONG!"

Still, she doesn't want to see her dad in the picture. Doesn't want to share her Twitter account. Responded to him once on the texting app and refuses to read any more he writes to her. I feel a bit sick at his sickness tonight.

But, D12 and I are spending the evening sprucing up our pad :-)
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 11:23 PM
It really does all come full circle. Really.
Posted By: Mighty Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 11:27 PM
You sound amazing. You give hope. I am really happy for you, Heather. Truly. You deserve it.

And my heart goes out to d12. Like we shared before, it is very familiar with d13.
Posted By: Ss06 Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 11:32 PM
You do sound amazing.

Your compassion towards him is admirable. Wow!
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/23/15 11:35 PM
And, the other woman really comes to mean nothing. She was just there at the right time.

The family you had with your spouse isn't diminished by all of this crap.

I've been thinking about this man and dreaming about the man I knew...that's not who he is. He is a broken man. I had him at his best. He used to be Heather-worthy...today, not so much.
Posted By: kml Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/24/15 12:25 AM
Quote:
He used to be Heather-worthy...today, not so much


You GO girlfriend!!!!
Posted By: BklynMom Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/24/15 02:19 AM
Yay for heather!!!!

I think your eloquent email to him was really an eloquent coming out for yourself.

I'm glad you shared the email with us.

I heard signs in your email of this new heather and your epiphany.

Count your blessings and enjoy your fantastic daughter!! We are so blessed


Ps. I so don't get why he would send you then selfie - so strange
Posted By: Train Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/24/15 05:33 AM
Heather,

I'm a fellow newshound! Well, technically, I guess I "used" to be. But once ink runs through the veins, it's always there, right? wink

I read through this thread last night, and my hat's off to you, sista.

If I lived near you, I'd come help you proof and edit the sillies. wink

I'm not savvy in MLC in particular, but your email to Smokey made me an instant fan of YOU.

Keep diggin', mamabear.
Posted By: Karma12 Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/24/15 09:27 AM
Heather I lol when you said you would delete his selfie if you saw it on a dating site. I said the same thing about my H!

I'm in a similar time line to you. 2.5 yrs living apart now.
Posted By: job Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/24/15 01:11 PM
Heather,
Welcome to the other side! Yes, it does get better but you have to travel the Yellow Brick Road, hit every pot hole, twist and turn and then one day, you reach the finish line. You come to realize that they truly gave you a gift, a gift of time, exploration and finding yourself once again. I'm glad you've finally reached the point of truly understanding why we always say it will get better.

As for the selfie, my xh doesn't look any better. Your description of your h describes my xh to a "T". They are truly broken people and will stumble around the world until they either seek help or continue to choose to be the way that they are.

As for your D12. She's a very smart cookie. She knows more of what's going on than think. If she doesn't want him to have her account info, then I wouldn't give it to him. She's old enough to make that decision for herself.

I hope that you have some fun and relaxing things to do over the weekend.
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/24/15 01:47 PM
Thanks to everyone for your support and encouragement.

I woke up this morning to another epiphany. Something is shifting here for me in this journey...

We walk the yellow brick road and you reach these milestones. Like I'm on this 1,000-mile-journey and there are high points, low points, crossroads, mountains, rivers to cross and glorious views once you get closer to your destination.

My dreams were full of Smokey. In my dream, we were in our house in Ohio and he had just returned from a long journey. He was exhausted and went to the bedroom to sleep. In the later years of our marriage, he spent a lot of time sleeping...but, this was a little different. I was so excited for him to be home.

I was telling a dear friend about the latest developments and how he was coming out of the fog. She was supportive and loving and understanding. She saw Smokey as someone who had been through so much himself and she was sympathetic to his pain.

After she left, I went into the bedroom and gave him this joyful kiss on the cheek. I just wanted him to know how much I missed him. He looked tan and healthy...He looked the way he looked 20 years ago. He wasn't angry. He was smiling and happy to be home.

This morning, when I woke up, I had some clarity about our beginnings.

My first memories of Smokey were when I was 12 and he was 14. Our father's had been best friends (his step dad was the best man at my parents' wedding). His step dad had fallen out a bit with my parents when he married Smokey's mom (a single mom who had been abandoned by Smokey's real father when Smokey was two).

Anyway...I met Smokey when my parents were still together. I was coming into my own. My parents were together, imperfectly, but this was before my dad had left and my mother remarried crazy stepdad and all the pain...I was probably the healthiest I would be for decades.

Smokey fell head-over-heels. Told his mom that he was going to marry me.

Well, being the somewhat normal preteen, I was repulsed. I thought he was crazy and scary. He looked like a kid who had lived in the woods..which he sorta did to avoid his abusive mother. At one point, my parents looked at buying a house in their neighborhood and I was terrified because we would be around the corner from Smokey.

Act II

The bottom falls out from under me. My dad leaves. My world becomes a nightmare. Smokey is troubled and causing his parents all sorts of issues. We form a friendship. He begins to look more handsome to me. I begin to develop fantasies about him as this James Dean who adores me is misunderstood. I search desperately for some boy, any boy, who will become my fantasy and rescuer. Smokey becomes one of the leading men in my series of fantasies about Prince Charming.

I leave my abusive family after years of struggle, emotional abuse and terrible, ugly family problems...at the age of 19, I move out in a violent episode where I finally lash out at my step dad and push him against the wall by grabbing his collar.

I have no where to go. I spend one night with a questionable guy from Al-Anon. The next night I show up on Smokey's doorstep. He is hungover from a bachelor's party. He is a mess...somewhat like he is now. An alcoholic mess who is about to get kicked out of school for the second time because of his addiction.

I fall in love.

This is where it gets tricky.

What was born in fantasy becomes real. God gives me this oasis of love and euphoria that I had never felt. After all this pain, I have joy.

Smokey gets clean. We are probably the healthiest we ever are together. Then, the baggage we both have, along with his addiction, slowly unravel the good...We both become toxic to the other with our neediness, codependency, etc... At one point, I ask for a divorce...not because I want live without him...but, because I see a need for us to have a clear boundary between him and me. This is after we were together for 5 years or so. I could see that marriage made me very much a needy suction cup...and he became an angry, overwhelmed guy. He refused to divorce. He was afraid we would leave each other. I could see the legal definition would save us from each other.

I've come full circle. I have reclaimed that 12-year-old girl I once was who believed she deserved a decent partner. The 12-year-old who was beginning to understand her own value and what talents she had to offer the world.

How freakin weird is that?
Posted By: LoisB Re: Heather's Prison Break - 01/24/15 02:13 PM
New Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2530521#Post2530521
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