MLC = my last chance - DivorceBusting.com

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Thanksgiving was a success on the GAL front. Have to say it was quite pleasant and not nearly as difficult as I thought it would be.

H texted girls Happy Thanksgiving. I love and miss you. They both chose not to respond. I was neutral but did tell them that I was fine and that he was their Dad. He does love them. I said you can hate the behavior and love the person. I told him I still love their Dad and I try to remember our entire relationship. I said whatever the feel or choose to do is fine. I said I prayed for their Dad every day. They said they were not praying for him and were not saints. LOL -- I said to think about adding a short prayer for Dad. I must admit I kind of hoped they'd respond and that surprised me. They were very secure with their decision and so I did not push. It is all still new.

It's funny how we tried to raise these girls to be strong and independent. Neither one has gone boy crazy. In fact they are very active in service clubs, human rights and being leaders at their schools. They are both well respected among their teachers. They both say they are feminists. H wanted them to be strong young women. Ironic that this is backfiring on H as he has become somebody they can't respect.

I also find it ironic that I am the one with the most compassion for H yet now I am the enemy. His level of detachment towards me is understandable but a one sentence text every few months to his children? D16 has not heard his voice in 5 months and that was when she called him. D19 heard it a little over 3 months ago. no anger or attempt to call or visit just total detachment.

I will carry on. I have my girls and a lot of love and friends in my life. I will GAL and keep improving myself. I will be the heroine in my own life. it is a slow process but I will keep slogging through.

Oldest D said a text amounting to "insert holiday here" is not worthy of a response. She has a point.

This is the saddest part of the holidays for me. Knowing our family as we knew it is destroyed. It is gone. H lit a match and never looked back.

My last post was so full of hot air. I miss my H. I miss my life. The last few months hit me like a freight train.

It is the oddest thing. It is so hurtful. Nobody saw it coming and he left not just our marriage but his entire life. Friends too. We were all discarded for OW who is "his best friend" I love the man I married but this person now is not someone I recognize.

Just finished crying a bit and trying to wrap my head around it yet again. Sorry, guess this was delayed holiday emotion.

And the rollercoaster ride continues on...

Gwen,
I'm sorry. I wish that I could wipe it all away for you and your family. It's okay to have those days where you have crying spells. What you are feeling may be a delayed reaction to the holiday. I do hope you will feel better soon. Pamper yourself a bit this evening, i.e., a nice, long, hot bath w/some bubble bath and put on some music and just relax a bit. The rollercoaster is not a fun ride these days for you and many of the other posters. Tighten your seat belt for the ride will be bumpy w/many up an downs and twists and turns, but you will make it. You are a strong and independent woman who needs to go thru all of this pain in order to get to the other side of healing.

Take care of yourself.

Gwen, I'm sorry you're having a tough day.

This whole thing, G, it's not a linear process. You'll feel yourself doing great for a while and then cycle back through all the anger and sadness of grieving.

It's perfectly ok to have those sad days. You love your H. I would worry if you didn't feel sadness anymore.

Your M was real. It happened. All of it. And no one can take those memories away from you. Ever.

The detachment word we read everywhere on the board...it's no easy thing. Remember it is also a long, non-linear process. It will come in layers, over time, and not without pain.

Use the sadness to validate what you knew was real. Use the anger to propel you forward to the next level. Then let those wash over you, and don't allow those emotions to camp out for too long.

The thing is, the OW is a just bandaid. He kinda has to say things like "best friend" because if he didn't, how could he justify doing such a horrible thing to his family? I mean, who does that? Crazy, that's who.

She can not hold a candle to you. I have seen it many times over, and experienced it myself. She truly isn't worth one thought. Don't give her any power. Keep focusing on you, because you're what matters.

You're really doing great.

(((((Hugs)))))

^^^^^^
Shining nailed it Gwen. It IS okay to be sad. Regardless of the outcome , it is a life changer. It's normal to feel sad and the holidays are just difficult in general IMHO.

Be kind to yourself. Work on the things you want to better about yourself. Focus on your kids. It does get easier. Hang in there!

Gwen, your daughters sounds awesome and so smart. I loved the "insert holiday here" comment; very right on.

I hope my daughters are like yours and skip the boy craziness that I went through for 10+ yrs.

Don't forget to count your blessings.

You H is no match for your girls - he will regret his behavior immensely one day.

Hi Gwen,
Know that you are not alone. I spent TG with my D's (14 and 19) at my D19's apt. They both got a group text saying "Happy Thanksgiving" that went to them and the people that my W works with, her boss, etc. "Insert holiday here" is right on! Later when the turkey we cooked was done and came out looking great, I texted a picture of it to her with the caption "(D19's) first thanksgiving turkey. Happy Thanksgiving, hope it's a good one". W texted D19 back 3 words "Nice looking turkey". That's all she could be bothered with on the first holiday that we are no longer a family?

I bet that your H and my W both just can't see past themselves. They just don't get how their choices have hurt so many people, so many of those that love them most. If they stopped and realized just how much damage they are causing so many they couldn't cope, so they keep seeing themselves as the victims, us as the bad guys.

You are still so new to all this Gwen. The pain and the anger, the hurt and the missing your old life will come and go. Some days it will be raw and strong, others it will only be there in the background. Give yourself time and understand that the holidays will be a time of reminders of the past. Just keep moving forward and above all be kind to yourself. You and your D's will get through this, no matter what your H does or doesn't do. Hang in there Gwen, you will be OK!

Job,Shining,Georgia,Bklyn & Matt - Thank you all so much for listening and consoling and sharing your wisdom. Job is ride about the rollercoaster.

Bklyn - Thanks for your sweet words about my girls. They are very strong and I feel blessed. Hopefully they'll continue to be strong.

Matt - Enjoying D19's first turkey is amazingly cool. It was wonderful you were there and she will never forget you were there either.

Being present in your heart and mind is truly a gift for the people we love. MLC has robbed our spouses of that ability and I ache for it. Being demoted to no contact or "insert holiday here" is pretty harsh.

Here's hoping December is not so bumpy. I like what you said Shining about using our sadness as validation and our anger to propel us forward.

Thanks all for being so kind. I sure appreciate it.

This week has been bumpy. D16 finally started to process everything. For the last 6 months she has been sarcastic and funny but not really experiencing the grief. It has worried me. She is one of those kids that overachieves and is so tough on herself that it is better for me to watch, wait and offer some balance. A couple of days ago the volcano erupted. She came to my room and started to cry and did not stop for 90 minutes. It was heart wrenching but I have to tell you a part of me was relieved. We talked and cried and laughed and spent the entire day just being together. I can't fix this but I can offer stability and love and acceptance.

The other bump is today is H's 50th birthday. I prayed on this and decided to stay dark. Separation Agreement is not going well because H's attorney is playing games. It just wastes time and money. It also escalates negative emotions. All of this swirling about and only 6 months after BD. The truth is we could negotiate things in an hour or two if everyone used common sense. Since common sense is in short supply I think it is best if I stay far from the ring leader.

I've cried twice already. I wasn't married to a ring leader. I married a kind person and now my girls and I are being treated like trash by the side of the road. This monster destroyed our lives and now I am crying because I can't spend his birthday celebrating with him? Maybe I have no common sense? I can't even tell what makes sense anymore. What kind of a future am I going to have if I can't even believe in my own thoughts or have confidence in any decision I make?

Gwen,
You are very new to this situation and I can understand your thoughts on not being able to share his 50th birthday w/him. You can rationalize w/someone who is in crisis. They don't think logically and trust me, you would not accomplish anything by trying to negotiate things w/him right now.

I'm sorry your D16 is having a difficult time and I think you are on the right track by offering stability, love and acceptance. It's very difficult for her right now and she will find her balance just knowing that you are there for her.

Cry, scream or do whatever you need to do to let off steam. You've got a lot of bottle up stress and anger that need to be let off. Come here if you want to vent. You have more common sense than you are giving yourself credit for. The coaster ride makes us second guess ourselves, but once you find your footing, things will fall into place and as you move through the grieving process, you'll discover your emotions may settle down too. Trust your gut. I think you've got a good handle on your situation and if you need to make decisions, sit on them for a bit and then decide.

Gwen, hang in there. I think you are doing well for what's been thrown at you.

I can't distract myself enough today. Not sure why this birthday has me so upset. Right now it is all I can do not to text OW some hateful message.

One thing I have had to learn over the last few months is restraint. It is not easy but I am finally understanding the value in restraint. H still has no idea of the evidence I have if things should go to court. The old me would have thrown it all out there but now I just keep it filed away. Partly because I dream he'll wake up but also because I just hate trashy behavior. Unfortunately I may not have a choice if H refuses to be fair on alinony.

I am mad at H because of his choices. I am mad at OW because she knew me and preyed on H. OW is a symptom and a hot mess and not my concern but I am still mad. I am mad at myself for trusting H 100% for a quarter of a century. I am also mad at myself because I allowed myself to be financially dependent and I am scared.

Have been searching for a job. Lots of rejection and polite smiles. I may have a temp job for a couple of months and that will be a good start. You know I have a degree and supported H through school. I should not have given up my career for him but all I wanted was a marriage, family and to be a good parent. Now I am scavenging for crumbs of any job.

Sorry for the pity party. I think between the holidays, the job search and H's birthday I am feeling overwhelmed. I am still in disbelief a twice divorced hot mess of a selfish woman could lure H away from everything and everyone. This is not the man I married but yet it is...I know he had all the textbook MLC triggers (job loss, saw two people die, caring for dying parent, FOO issues, car crash, etc.) and labeling it as a crisis used to make me feel better. I knew he wasn't mentally balanced when he left but now- does it matter? He left to be with a woman. He left and here it is his 50th birthday and I am crying again.

Sorry all just a tough week. I think it is going to be a tough month. For some reason I am hoping 2015 will be a new start for me emotionally. It won't be over but just feeling like I survived 2014 will be an accomplishment.

What a difference a day makes!

Have the temp job and also scored an interview for a full time position. This is a HUGE step on the right path. I am so grateful for the opportunity to get back into the land of the employed. I have the temp position until the beginning of February but if I get the full time gig they said they understand I would need to take that job. We shall see. Just doing my best and leaving the rest to God.

Good luck w/the interview. I'm sure you will do well. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you get the full time position.

Hey Gwen, I�m so happy that you found a job! That�s a start! I know how it feels to finally get a job. I was out of work for a year, almost used all my savings. So, when I got an offer for a position, I was so excited.

Just wait until everything will start falling in place for you. I bet H�s and ow's house of cards will start falling apart at the same time.

That's fantastic, Gwen! Congratulations on the job:-)

Hi Gwen - Congratulations on the job and good luck for the permanent one :o)

2015 is gonna be your year.

Hi Gwen, thanks for your post on my thread, wow, so similar sitch to me - its good to hear from you - thank you.

I have been following your threads, I don't comment on many as i really have nothing insightful to say - i am no expert in this. I can however offer my support and empathy during the hard days and my congratulations on the good days.

I feel slightly luckier than most that my S's are older so I am pretty much independent from them; enough to make crazy decisions to move and travel to where-ever the wind takes me. I can make this whole sitch into a truly wild adventure if i choose.

You like I have been a SAHM for so many years, getting back in to the work force is a challenge - but hey, you are doing so well ... when do you hear about the permanent one ? I am impressed - I got so demoralized when I got turned down for everything I applied for - some places didn't even reply. I even got down for a laundry/cleaner job - so I appreciate how hard the job hunt it - so congrats to you.

Hopefully it will help towards your daily bills, its a worry, i know, but its surprising how resourceful we become. From having nothing to do with finances i now have budget spreadsheets for the budget spreadsheets lol. Coupons, bulk buying, cutting out all luxury - which annoys me when I hear of all the things h does and is spending - but I look at it that I am in control of my finances, I am in the black ....even if its only a couple $ each month ....where as he is in the red.

Well done for keeping the house, we were in the process of selling when h gave BD, so I lost mine. Its good for your girls to have somewhere familiar with so many other changes going on in their lives.

My only advise to you is really work on GAL and doing something for yourself every day - even if its just walk, or a bath - its really important to shut the world out for a short time every day.

Journalling has been a saviour, i write everything down, even fictitious conversations, it all goes down, its better out than in and can help stop the movie playing in your head.

You are strong, we all are. We have no choice but to keep living, but you do have a choice whether you stay still or move forwards. Gwen - choose moving forwards ......your adventure awaits you

(((hugs)))

Thanks for your support Lou. It gets lonely when your H is a vanisher. I don't really envy the folks on here who have to deal with lots of drama but sometimes I have to admit that negative attention sounds better than no attention. Of course that isn't true but the isolation and indifference is tough.

The job situation is my biggest fear. A friend got me the temp gig and I am very excited about it because it will give me recent experience and I can learn some new skills. She also referred me for the permanent job. I probably won't know for at least a week but I am okay if it doesn't work out. The temporary job is great way to build confidence and I am nervous about everything these days.

I honestly feel like I have PTSD or something. Loe - you are right just try to keep moving forward a tiny step at a time.

Gwen - I feel that no matter what the MLC'er is doing - whether it is drama and negative attention or being distant and silent, its tough for the LBS.

Trying to cope with the range of emotions, the shock, the grief and to keep going on with life when everything has just crumbled around us takes amazing strength and resilience. We all say we can't do it anymore - yet we do, day after day, we keep going -

You are going to come out of this evolved; an upgraded version of yourself - Gwen 2.0. Back in control of your life, yourself and your decisions. If/when he wakes from this madness, he will see you very differently and you will see him very differently and by then it will be you calling the shots not him.

You are going to be fine - keep the faith :o)

i agree 123Gwen, you are an overcomer!

Hi Gwen,

I understand how it must feel to have a vanisher. So hurtful....

Our sitches are very similar except for this.

I think I do get some strange sense of my XH's still being 'connected' to us by virtue of his continued nasty attacks. The sense is of a man who can't let us be; for whom we are constantly on his mind. But not in a good way. I think he is just trying to punish us.

So really, the negative contacts are not about him wanting to have contact with us so much as him wanting someone to lash out at.

In this sense, I'm pretty certain vanishers haven't really forgotten; it's more likely that they keep their ruminations to themselves (lashers vs bottlers, if you like).

Anyway... your job situation sounds really promising. Good on you for getting to where you are. And there's plenty more where that came from, I'm sure!

Big news in Gwen Land --- I GOT THE JOB!!! I am so excited. They didn't even interview anyone else. Honestly this is a win - win for everyone. Back in the dark ages I was in healthcare admin. and ran a department. This is front office but in a growing practice and the operations manager was kind of jazzed when she saw my background. They are getting a lot of bang for the buck and I am getting relaunched as Gwen 2.0

Another huge benefit is the clinic is literally a half mile down the road from D16's school. We live in urban sprawl. It usually takes 30 minutes to get anywhere so this is divine intervention.

For the first time in months I feel like I know this job is exactly what I should be doing. After all the lies and betrayal and confusion it sures feels good to feel like I am on the right path.

In other news... My attorney is scheduling hearings because H will not seriously address the separation agreement. This is a waste of money. If H would just address things like a mature adult we wouldn't be spending all this negative energy or money. I know this avoidance is what happens in MLC but my financial situation is not great. With H living so far away and OW in the picture I really need some boundaries and I have to figure out a budget. I know DBusting is no pressure or R talk but I just believe I need an agreement moving forward. I have seen too many people regret not having those protections in place.

Anyway I called H tonight. Yes against the rules but wanted to make sure he is willing to go to court. He acted oblivious and said he was waiting for me to respond. Not sure if he was lying or is intellectually challenged but I explained the consequences of avoiding me and my attorney. We talked for about 10 minutes. I was not perfect relating to him but I managed to stay calm. He said the girls hate him and I explained that they are mad but they also want to see how he values them and their mother in the upcoming months. He said he'd fix things. We shall see....

If I can avoid court then that is good. It was weird talking to a person who is just not the person you thought he was. Kind of sad. I hope he gets some help.

Congratulations on the new job!!! Yay:-)

Congratulations! I knew you would get it. I'm so happy for you!

I have been doing the happy dance all day! I was very worried about finding something after all this time staying home. I can't describe how relieved I am to be bringing in some money on my own.

Thanks Job and Georgia for cheering me on. I am determined to enjoy these great feelings for as long as possible. In all this grief I realized that for over two decades I chose to put everyone before myself. To a point that is admirable but it did become unhealthy at some point.

Gwen 2.0 is going to be healthier.

Congratulations 123Gwen! Healthy Gwen :-}

You are living a life for yourself even though it wasn't where or how you planned.

I do commend your strength especially for your girls. They may not respect their father right now but they know who YOU are and they will model love, mercy and forgiveness. It's a long road but you've done so well.

Praise God - He is helping you through this.

In His Love -

VGE1

Romans 8:28

Thanks vge. i appreciate the support. Today I am not as full of strength. I just miss him. Then again I am not sure if any of it was ever real. Everything is so confusing. 25 years and H seems to have just disposed of me completely. I am sad for my girls too as they only get sporadic texts.

Ok enough of the pity party. It doesn't help. Onward we go....

whoop whoop ! Congratulations on your new job Gwen, wonderful news.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a down day - its fine, allow it to happen and let it pass.

Gwen - your m was real, the memories and love are real, your h has just buried it and has lost sight of his past happiness.

I know you miss him, it's natural to; I would be worried if you didn't. I find it comes in waves - the sadness, confusion and loneliness, I suppose the trick is to learn how to surf !

So on that note - try and distract yourself while these feelings pass through and then get back to focusing on what is important .... you and your girls :o)

Take care of yourself ((hugs))

Lou - I love your surfing metaphor! I have no desire to add surfing to my GAL list but a trip to Hawaii would be fabulous.

It does come in waves. You feel like drowning but just as quickly as you are awash in those feeling they can disappear. Very weird. After so many years of putting bandaids on everyone else maybe this is just what it feels like to finally be tending to yourself?

Another odd sensation now that I am six months post BD is the fact that I am finally able to accept the fact that H started MLC before OW. I didn't realize it at the time but now it feels like he started to detach about 2 years ago. That was the time OW was hired at his company. I doubt the affair started immediately but it was a perfect storm.

I could not have changed this outcome. H chose this path. He is deep in MLC and I fear knowing his FOO he may never return. H's behavior does not include empathy. I never thought he was a narcissist but perhaps he always has been or maybe those tendencies are amplified. The way he is so detached from our children tells me that this is not about our M. It is sad. It is tragic but I can't let this define who I am.

I never wanted to learn to surf yet I must deal with the waves. Bring me that surfboard and call me Gidget! (Remember those old, old Debbie Reynolds movies? I loved watching those when I was a kid and back then they were 30 years old. She survived Eddie Fisher and made peace with Elizabeth Taylor. I guess we are all in good company. I mean Sandra Bullock is my modern role model.

Gwen, congratulations on the job!

Sorry you are having some tough times. I know how these feelings come and go. I�ve been at this for 2 � years. Not saying that it doesn�t get better. It does.

I came to a realization that H started his MLC a couple of years prior to DB too. There were all kinds of signs, I just didn�t know any better except to associate his behavior with the problems with his job and his father�s illness and death. Now I can see this more clearly.

Originally Posted By: 123Gwen

The way he is so detached from our children tells me that this is not about our M. It is sad.

This just made me realize that my H has been doing the same thing. He is not in contact with my son. Even though my son is not his biological child, but H raised him from when he was 8 years old. We were family. He told me that he loved my son. I constantly question whether H is in MLC or our M was so bad that he could not stand it any more. But, what about my son? BTW, my son didn�t reject H after what he did to me. He is open to communication. I�m sure he is hurt inside. After all, it is second time in his life when he was abandoned by a father figure. Good thing that the second time happened when he was already an adult. I�m sure he can handle things a lot better.

I�m not a water person either. It would be a miracle if I ever get on the surf board

.

Hang in there, Gwen. Have a great weekend.

lol, I

Lol, the thought of all these ladies suddenly taking up surfing is amusing ;o)

Hope your going ok today Gwen.

Gwen,

Congrats on your new job! When there's a will, there's a way.

Thanks Wonka. I do believe in self reliance but I also believe in God helping pave the way. This was divine intervention.

Originally Posted By: 123Gwen

Thanks Wonka. I do believe in self reliance but I also believe in God helping pave the way. This was divine intervention.

Absolutely. Yep, totally believe that as well.

Christmas week and I am dealing with this first one fairly well. I still cry most days but not for long. I have come to accept that feeling it is the only way to release it. Work is great. The people are wonderful and having this temporary job is the perfect segue to preparing for the permanent job in February.

The other night D16 had finals so I got her at noon and she studied in the break room until the last patient left. It took a while to get out so she missed dance. We had to get the car serviced before the long drive to my folks so we ran over for the last appointment.

It was dark and cold. We were tired and we ended up waiting in the customer lounge watching Wheel of Fortune. D snuggled up next to me on the couch and we laughed and played along. We were tired. I miss my H. I am scared. I am flat broke but I am still happy.

After we got home we opened some Christmas cards. One from an old friend who is in a similar sitch. D does not know this woman but she looked intently at the card while I recounted some highlights of our friendship. D looked again for a few minutes and said her kids look nice, like and us and they are doing fine. She walked over, gave me a big hug and went upstairs. It gave me goose bumps the way she said it.

We are surviving. I was scared we wouldn't be able to do that. It is becoming clear that we are actually starting to thrive too. Who would've thought that even possible?

I mean H just tossed us all aside to find out what makes him happy. He chose OW over his 25 year M and his family. Just like D19 said, "it is terrifying to find out the the person for whom you'd take a bullet is pulling the trigger."

On one hand I believe he is unwell and that his actions are skewed. I want to empathize and stand for my M and my H. In sickness and in health. That's what I promised before God and to the man I love. On the other hand giving this person any power over me is a form of self abuse. MLC is not a recognized condition though my counselor who's been in practice for 22 years believes in it and so does my lawyer. My lawyer believes it is a rebellion against everything and everyone.

So back to Christmas week. It is an emotional minefield. H didn't ask about seeing the girls though I told him we were going to our home state. H could have met us there. H could have stayed with his parents and seen the girls. H didn't offer. He thinks the girls hate him and he has no courage to face them. As time goes on he is escalating everything. The lawyers are ramping up because H won't make a reasonable offer. Again escalating things because he won't deal with anything.

I'd like 2015 to be a year of healing. I want to GAL and work and have some boundaries about our finances. I am not even addressing all those emotions under the surface. I want the time to get mad and hopefully to forgive. Right now I don't know if I can.

Back to this week. How do you navigate the first Christmas with a anisher? You can treat them like you are a widow cherishing their memories but I don't want to be bitter. I need to get through this holiday with grace.

Anyone with any advice?

123Gwen

Hang in there, keep moving forward that is all I can offer right now.

It's hard, very hard, but what can we do but move forward, keep living, keep praying.

I'm struggling myself right now, but hope I can still encourage you to keep on the path to moving forward.

Aww. I'm with you 123Gwen. This is such a difficult time. Im praying for you. You can do it! Romans 8:28....

I have my strong and weak moments too. We all miss the one who used to be here before MLC showed up.

What are these MLCers thinking?

You've done nothing wrong. You are a beautiful person who is richly blessed with family and friends. Focus (not on your husband) on you and your blessings.

May God grant you wisdom. You'll do great!

In His love

Vge1

Romans 8:28

No contact at Christmas feels tragic. We leave tomorrow and H has not reached out to our daughters. I am so sad to think Christmas will be another "insert holiday here" text. I can't believe a year ago I have such sweet pictures of our family. H is leaning in towards me and embracing me with love. Is it an illusion? Did I imagine it?

Gwen,
I'm sorry he's not been in contact, but many of them disappear around this time of the year. If your daughters have not heard from him by Christmas Eve, I would offer up this as a suggestion...have them text him "Merry Christmas". He may respond back to them.

No, you didn't imagine him leaning into you. At that time, he was very much in love w/you. I realize that a year has come and gone, but in that time, he's lost his way on the Yellow Brick Road and the love he had for you then is still very much alive, but stuffed way down into his soul right now. He's suffering internally and until he can heal his pain, he's going to be out there walking the path around the world. What you experienced last year was not an illusion, it was real.

Travel safely tomorrow and try to enjoy the holiday. Think of him overseas on a business trip and is unable to come home right now.

Thanks Job. Ironically last night girls got an overnight envelope. Two gift cards each inside a hallmark card. He said he loved them and asked them to call him. One D was angry and thought she was being bribed. She wanted a real letter with a real apology. Other D said it was good he did something for Christmas but she is not reciprocating. I empathized with each of them and said while they do deserve more at this point he is doing what he is able. I didn't defend him but I said that really how is this not going to be awkward. It is just going to be hard this year but don't bolt the door shut on your relationship with your father. I explained they can decide what their future R with Dad will be when they are ready. I said I support them 100% and this is a process. They were upset but it was better thN if he didn't contact them at all.

I hope H doesn't blame me if they don't call or text him. I can't make them. They are too old and I can't ask young women to put aside their feelings for a man who ran away with a woman who came into our home and pretended to be a friend. I just can't ask them to ignore his blatant behavior and running off the way he did.

Ok I am just too wound up. I have to detach. I am in my home state and I am with my children and we are healthy. It is Christmas and I need to embrace the present because that is the gift. Trite but true.

It is 3 am and I just can't sleep. This burden on my heart is so heavy sometimes. The emotions are so powerful and the loneliness is like nothing I've felt before. Yesterday I was surrounded by people and noise but yet I felt so alone. I am sure this is common. It just hurts so deeply.

The girls and I each texted H Merry Christmas. He replied to them relieved to be hearing from them. H replied to me he hoped I am having a nice time visiting my folks. It was civil and it was positive as it was able to be during this first holiday.

I really want to text him right now. Simply saying Merry Christmas feels awful and impersonal. I just miss the man I married today. He should be here but playing the "woulda, shoulda, coulda game" is a no win proposition. I understand that asking for more is just not going to be met with anything positive right now. H is probably spending Christmas with OW. Maybe even her kids. I think it is better if I don't know.

So here I am posting in the wee hours of the morning so I don't make a fool out of myself.

Gwen,

I have not really checked up on anyone in awhile, and when I have, it has been sporadic.

I'm sorry I'm not caught up on your recent sitch, but I read your last post. My heart breaks for you. I understand that all to well. You did the right thing by coming here. it is so hard and difficult and lonely.

I know you hear "it gets better" and it may not sound very comforting, but it really does. For me, hearing that made me sad. Like getting used to being without my h and it being OK was a difficult concept.

But it did. Sometimes I really enjoy it. Others I still feel alone. But nothing like what I did. What you are feeling now. So Gwen, it really does get better.

I also know how empty it feels spending holidays without him. It is heart-wrenching. My dad commented to me this year how much happier I was compared to last year.

Here's the thing, Gwen. Not sure if you are aware of my sitch or not... but let me tell you why you hear "It gets better," or "It gets easier."

Xh is around these days. No longer with hww. But he wasn't around for family functions (with my fam). I felt better because I knew that I was OK. It really didn't matter about him anymore. I don't even know if I want him or not anymore. But I am happier because I am stronger. I know I have choices in my life. These choices are not all determined on xh; they are about me. That makes me feel good. And even though my life is a big unknown right now, very uncertain, and a lot of questions, I feel better because I am stronger. Don't let me fool ya.... I've got a long way to go yet. But finding some inner strength and peace can go a long way.

The loneliness you feel, even when with others.... that stinks. But that will come with time. You will have good moments... and they will slowly become more frequent.

Hang in there, my friend.

It does get better a little bit every day. Progress is measured by millimeters but there will be moments you smile, and a moment where your kid makes you laugh. These moments will become greater and greater.

Trying to get there myself . The Christmas holidays were just awful. Next year I am taking my kids back to Georgia forep some family time, just us.

Hang on

Gwen,

I'm so sorry you had a difficult day. The holidays have always seemed to be a challenge for many whether life seems great or difficult. Mighty is spot on. It really does get better.

And it gets better because you start to realize more about yourself and your children. Not that you didn't before, although you realize that your h has to go on this journey..and well, they need to go on the journey. It's not an open invitation.

This time last year I wondered if it was our last holiday as an intact family. It was and I was the driver of much of that. Although I did love my xh very much, I also feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of me most days. I know many here don't share that feeling-it's just that I do. That doesn't mean that I did not want to save my M or keep my family together. I just realized I really needed to let him go...for him AND for me. And it has not always been easy. However, it has gotten much better even thought I frequently sound like a 16 yr old boy on my thread:)

Focus on you and your girls. Every day has some magic in it. You will be better than ever. Know that.

Happy New Year. I got through the holidays. too tired last night to do anything special but that was a blessing in a way.

Yesterday had to text H about insurance. D16 has been having headaches and almost passed out yesterday. It could be a lot of things (blood pressure, anxiety, etc.) but definitely time to get it checked it out by a doctor.

A way asked for the info. Got info. Said thank you and he replied sure. Not one question on why D was going to the doctor. Just another observation that makes me sad. Wouldn't you ask? I did not want to alarm H so I thought I'd just verify insurance but if he asked I would be open. H didn't inquire at all. I guess I thought that's how he'd react but still it just hurts my heart. When did he become this cold? I was I crazy all these years? Did I imagine his love and concern for the girls?

I mean he has us insured and a set amount is auto deducted every payday. We seem to be nothing more than an electric bill.

Gwen,
You aren't crazy. You had a good marriage until the crisis took over. You have to remember, they are off in their own little worlds and are only thinking of themselves right now. Spouses, family, old friends, and pets aren't on their radar at the moment. Eventually that will change, but it's going to be a while before that happens. Keep your expectations of him dialed down to 0-1. The man you knew is not there right now. You have to accept him for who he is today, i.e., a stranger or a distant relative.

I hope that your daughter will be okay. She may be coming down w/a bug that is floating around. I agree, she needs to be looked at by a doctor to actually find out what may be going on.

Please take care of yourself and your daughter. As for your h, well, he's still circling the earth and will be for quite some time.

Thanks Job for your kind words. I guess my biggest struggle is this whole "no contact" "dark & dim""LRT" is just fancy talk for leave them be and get on with your life. It is not fighting for your marriage but giving up. H is free with no resistance or contact from his wife or children.

I mean Job am I fooling myself into thinking he'll wake up? Having him live so far away in a place we never even visited. He has begun a new life with a clean slate and the OW meets him every weekend. She preyed on us to influence this outcome. I fear with the passage of time we are nothing but long lost relatives. He is becoming a ghost to us too. My girls are not more forgiving with time and distance.

I am moving forward. I will survive but letting it all go without resistance is not how I am wired. Friends and family will tell you I am fiercely loyal. I wonder if H is counting on that loyalty to be so cruel. Indifference is far more cruel than anger.

Just struggling with LRT and going dark when H has run away. I think I am really being just a LBS with no other options.

Happy New Year, Gwen:)

Job knows her stuff.... In crisis, they become someone we no longer know. They are motivated only by what is in it for them, and what they believe will make them feel better.

It took me so long to wrap my head around this. Here they are, one day treating us as we knew them, then seemingly out of the blue, they become a complete stranger. It still baffles me.

It feels counterintuitive to let go. It can be done lovingly. Letting go isn't necessarily giving up hope. It's leaving him to his journey, so he can learn what he missed long before you were in the picture.

There are several reasons for going NC, dark and dim...leaving him to his journey.

One, he needs the space to figure himself out. He can not do it if he is constantly looking over his shoulder at you. He has to do this completely on his own.

Two, he is in crisis, and he associates his pain with the life he had with you. Whether or not your M was perfect is irrelevant. It is simply how he views it right now. He can not look inward yet, and until he can and does, you will be the main object from which he needs to distance. Contact with him reminds him of his pain, and triggers his irrational urge to keep running. For now. He has to exhaust all other possibilities before he looks at himself. It will be a long time.

Three, his crisis is still very early. This is a long, tough, road, Gwen. It's best for you to not see all he is doing right now. They do some bizarre stuff, and if a R is possible in the future, the less you see and know, the less you will have in your memory to have to sort through. That's my opinion....some believe they want to know all. To me, nothing good can come from that.

Four, yeah, it kind of is fancy talk for leave them be and get on with your life. Getting on with your life doesn't have to mean you move on with someone new, it means you choose to live for YOU, regardless of him. Life is too precious to be wasted. Make a bucket list of things you have always wanted to do, and DO them. You will not regret it, whether he comes through his tunnel or not.

Mine is so deep in the tunnel. Whether he ever comes out, no one knows. I've been almost completely NC with him since before Thanksgiving. I kept thinking last summer, that I could keep him in my peripheral vision. That didn't serve me well. So, I have let him go.

I'm almost certain, as strange as this may sound, that one day, even years or decades from now, my H will regret all he has done. I believe he loves me. I believe he will want me back, but will not necessarily have the courage to face it all.

I also believe it will go to D. This fact used to send me into a panic. Now, it means almost nothing. I feel I am already D, so it changes nothing.

Even if it does, no one knows what will happen down the road. Marriages have been known to go all the way to D, and then reconcile.

Time will tell. Live, Gwen. Learn about you. Love you even more than you did before.

(((((Hugs)))))

Yeah, read Mighty's thread for an example where all was not as it seemed for her ex living with the OW.

And I second the bucket list. Set some fun exciting challenges for yourself. Just imagine: if you knew you were going to get hit by a truck in a year, would you be wasting your time and energy on what he's doing, or would you get out there and LIVE?

How about making a list here of ten fabulous things you would like to do or learn this year?

You are not crazy for wanting your family back and hoping he might wake up. We all did that. Just don't live your life waiting on him to. Go on with your life and if he comes around than that will be awesome And u will then have the final say.
I think it's best sometimes not to label them. Personally that got me stuck
Hon you have no choice in this and it's so unfair. There is nothing you can do.
And if he came back today you would think you were living with a stranger all that would do is make things worse for u and your children. You would then be living with a man in crises and if u think its bad now......believe me it's worse.

Whatever u do don't try to fight it. It will only prove his point.

This stuff isn't easy, esp when your kids are hurting. Take it day by day.....min by min if u need to. Hugs and prayers

Quote:

I am moving forward. I will survive but letting it all go without resistance is not how I am wired. Friends and family will tell you I am fiercely loyal. I wonder if H is counting on that loyalty to be so cruel. Indifference is far more cruel than anger.

Yeah, most of the people here (that's why they came here, right?) are not wired like that either. Lots of fighters here.

It is tough, but you have got some of the greatest advice so far, from people who have been right where you are.

It's hard to fight that instinct. You don't have to. But you'll likely come back to the advice here at some point if don't. That was a hard thing for me to see when I first came here. I suspect it is hard for most else why come here and spend that time, right?

Keep reading if you can. And I am glad to see you see yourself as a survivor. That's a strength that will serve you well.

AJ

Gwen, same here� I also feel like my H becomes a ghost sometimes when there is no contact for some time. I know exactly how it feels. Scary. The man you thought was your best friend and the closest person in your life, is now behaving like you are his worst enemy, or even worse, nobody.

I also with you when you say that you are wired differently. You are a fighter and loyal person. I�m the same way. I call myself stubborn sometimes, and this how my friends and relatives see it as well. I think there is no other way for us through this, but to feel all we feel and hope as long as we can.

Shining, what a great post. You�ve got it, and you are ahead of me. I feel I�m slowly approaching this state of letting go. I�m almost there. I can feel it. I just hope I don�t slide back again.

Gwen, hang in there. ((((hugs)))))

123Gwen-

I'm so sorry the holidays were so tough and that your girls are hurting. It is so hard to see our children suffer with all of this and I know for me just makes my heartache that much worse. Sending hugs and prayers for you. Your resolve and focus on trying to get through all of this without bitterness is admirable- I'm trying to do the same, but I also know some days I descend into that place. Job's words are always so comforting- we didn't imagine their love- we weren't some gullible dummy. They are just in crisis and out to lunch for a long time.

Hang in there!

Thank you all so much for your TLC. I have a small family so this has been daunting. Fortunately I have great friends but their patience has it's limits. I have learned a lot about who my real friends are in a crisis. I am blessed with many but they are not family.

Shining - I loved your post. I can relate completely when you wrote, "I'm almost certain, as strange as this may sound, that one day, even years or decades from now, my H will regret all he has done. I believe he loves me. I believe he will want me back, but will not necessarily have the courage to face it all."

KML - I am too tired to make a list with the new job but I will soon.

The job was #1 so I am off to a good start.

SunshineLewis - your gentle wake up call was like a hug. It is unfair but that's life. The holidays were just so hard.

AJ - Isn't hard in this throw-a-way, instant gratification society that loyalty isn't revered? Just an observation but you are so right about the wisdom of the folks on this board. Thanks for stopping by.

Bright {{{HUGS}}} for you too.

Daring thanks for the validation. I just feel like maybe I imagined my entire life.

The last few weeks I have experienced so much as I am now a single parent working full time and going back to my hometown for Christmas. These changes/events have helped me to see myself for the first time in decades. I am starting to see Gwen the person. Not just the wife of Mr. Gwen or the mother of 2xD but me. I forgot who she was deep inside. I am just seeing her for the first time in oh so long. It is going to take a while but I see that person starting to come out a bit.

A silver lining perhaps?

Have u read my sitch? I did all the wrong things. I wanted to physically hurt my h of 20 yrs. job, sandi2, and the other wonderful people on here thought I was gonna end up in jail. My ex was a cop and 6ft tall....I am 5ft. I tried to hurt him, we actually fought, well I did. I unfortunately did not find this board until we were almost divorced. He had already filed and pushed it thru quickly. We were sep, and divorced in under 3 mths.
I am telling u this because I, like u, didn't have to work. I thankfully got a part time job just before All this hit. We had just consolidated all our bills, so I know he wasn't thinking of leaving. Oh don't get me wrong, he was in crisis and cheating but but trying to live both lives until he got caught.......which he did.
Gwen, mine was quick just like urs, so I so know how u feel. My mom had just passed away three weeks before bomb. I litterly came home on lunch, and he was painting our home. We hugged, he was talking on the phone to a friend and told them he had to hang up cause I was home and he wanted to spend time with me. We walked upstairs, his phone rang, he wouldn't answer, which was u like him. I questioned him and he started crying saying he wanted a divorce......not separate, he wanted out. I was floored. Very unexpected. The crying confused me. He moved out a few days later and stood in the doorway and cried again. He tested the waters with me a few times but I was so angry I didn't do the things I should of. I was scared to death financially. GOD pulled me thru all that and he will u too, just lean on him.
When I tell u that I didn't think I wAs gonna survive, I truly didn't. I lost it all. My mom, my home, my h and eventually my only son,18 , went to live with h.
I litterly thought I would die but I made it and u will to. I was the most co dependent person in the world. Scared to pieces.
GOD never left my side. And these wonderful people on this board didn't either.
It's been 6 yrs and I am doing great as far as ex is concerned. Now my son is another story, it as been very hard on me.
Gwen I truly believe they Are miserable inside. My ex was one of the meanest ones around. He married a girl 26 and to this day, if they see me out, she will try to make sure she waves at me if she has to run across the st to do it,,,,,which she did. I don't Talk or have contact with either and haven't in a very long time but I am obviously a part of their lives for them to act such a way lol.
They are ashamed and miserable and they want us to be as well.
The best thing you can do is show them how successful and great u can be as a person and a mother. Sounds like u are on ur way already.
Let him have his miserable life and show him ur fine.....fake it till u make it as they say. Sry so long, just wanted u to know that u aren't crazy and neither was I. You didn't imagine ur marriage to a great h and neither did I.
Lots of hugs and Prayers.

Sunshine- I had read some of your posts but not your entire story. I am so sorry you had to endure all of that. I think how lucky I am that H drove away cross country and to the OW. There is so much I don't know and like others have written, I don't want to know. I too had lost my mother just two years prior. She died in our home from cancer. It was not easy and H hates illness, death, hospitals, etc. - looking back it coincided with a lot.

Even though I lament and vent on this board to the outside world I seem put together. In six months I have a Job after being a SAHM for 20 years. changed the locks and my children are on the fast track. We are still in our home and people see me with make up on and wedding rings on and a smile from ear to ear. I go to Mass. I cooked chicken soup last night and I am NC with H. He doesn't ask and I don't call or text unless I must. H thinks we are doing great since we texted him two words, "Merry Christmas."

Inside I am doing ok. The kids are ok considering he destroyed their lives too. I am a person of great faith. It is how I cope so I try to have hope. I am Catholic so marriage is one of those sacraments. I wear my wedding rings as a sign of my vows but right now this is between me and God. Just like Elvis, H has left the building.

I think I am fortunate in so many ways. H left the state. Heck he is two time zones away. H had a vasectomy so no surprise babies. My girls and I are really close. In a weird way this has brought us even closer though I am careful to make sure this year doesn't define us for the rest of our lives. I mean it is a huge turning point but we don't want to be one of those people who stay stuck. Also fortunate I have a counselor.

It is just that a lot day my outside persona is at odds with my inside persona. My heart is so sad. My head wonders if I imagined a marriage that was loving and a life that was full. Was he that miserable the whole time? How did I not notice? But then I come here and vent and listen to giving people like you. People who went through so much and are still breathing and living. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing what it means to survive all of this.

Right now I am faking it 'till I make it.

Hi Gwen,

I don't have anything to add, just want to say the advice you are getting on here is great. I can't imagine how hard the holidays were for you, my heart hurts for you and your girls. But I see and hear a lot of strength in you. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel the way you do.

123Gwen I'm doing the same thing- life goes on and I look put together on the outside, not as much on the inside. But what I've noticed is that has changed over time. I'm less jumbled, less sad, less desperate. I still have those moments but they are shorter and then leave rather than stay constant.

I think I'm hitting the acceptance part of the grieving process. I still think about it and can't belive what the H I used to know has done and become, but it's not as devastating. It just is.

I see you moving towards the same, and in many ways having work helps b/c you can't think about your sitch all the time.
Keep your eyes upward too- I believe God has a purpose in everything- wish I understood it better but that's where faith steps in.

Hugs to you!

Gwen u brought a tear to my eye. Thank u so much for ur kind words. I have gotten past my ex, with God's help. When they are in no contact as weird as it may seem, it helps u get thru this so much better. Right now all my heartache comes from my son whom is now 24. I don't understand what is going on. We divorced 6 yrs ago and I know it hurt him deeply. But some days I think I can't go thru another without seeing him. I have already lost so much time with him.
Keep us in ur prayers. Are u on the alt?

Hugs

Sunshine - what is the alt? Hang in there with son. The twenties are a tricky time for young people. My brother didn't come back to his family until he was around 30-32 and now he is hosting the holiday gatherings.

It just seems like boys take longer to get comfortable in their own skin. I wonder if my H had been single longer in his twenties would he still have gone off the rails?

I know you are hurting but it sounds like you are also leaving the door open for your son. That is the most we can do. {{{hug}}}

Thanks Gwen. I text him often to say hello and that I love him and I am always here for him. But haven't gotten a reply in months.
The alt is Facebook.

I am so mad at myself for not being able to tell home to go to he**! I am so mad at myself because I feel discarded and I've allowed him to get away with everything because I trusted him so completely. Today I blackslid and I am at a loss. Will I ever learn to exist in this turmoil.

Before the end of year I text H about insurance to make sure it is still the same for 2015. H said it was the same and it wasn't. Still trying to sort that all out with the doctors.

Money is very tight. H automatically deposits it every two weeks but it is not enough. H never asked an amount and so I am bleeding $$$. H will not negotiate any agreement. He avoids everything just like he was a member of congress. I am paying his car payment & insurance because loan is in my name. Thank goodness mortgage is not in my name.

Mortgage was a month behind. I had to prioritize because after 6 months my savings is gone. H cleared out retirement account. I thought let mortgage company call H and maybe he'd sign the separation agreement or at least acknowledge his children and I might be struggling. I mean he left me with 2 kids, 1 dog and a big house with no money. I had no job. 1 kid in college and the other leaving in 2 years. It was crazy.

Today I thought I'd send husband a quote. Sappy but loving quote and now I see how foolish it was. I just thought NC was only helping my lawyer. I don't want to go to court. Even if he files for D I have accepted things but this avoidance is escalating things. Like this afternoon in the mail I get paperwork saying H had requested for me to get calls from mortgage company. I mean this is his loan in his name. I am living here but the payment alone is 60% of what he sends. Add in the car payment and insurance and we are in the negative real fast...

H will not negotiate in good faith. His one attempt to respond with an attorney was a joke. I sent H an email explaining myself for each part of the agreement I had drafted. H refused to respond. I am suing H and he still is not responding. I told H months ago if he acted in good faith I would withdraw the suit but I have to take care of the family.

In my state I have options but it is messy and expensive and frankly a waste of money better spent elsewhere but if H won't use any common sense I will have to go to court. It seems like I am the only person who understands this. OW may be advising him to run out the clock on D16. This advice is flawed for many reasons. H's best chance is to settle in good faith so we can all move forward. I want to set boundaries and heal.

I mean I will win in court but at what cost? airi g all of this is not good for any of us. He leaves me with no choice again and again. Was he always a narcissist? And what is wrong with me - I mean this person he has become is truly a horrible human being.

I never should have reached out. I have so far to go. H is gone, gone, gone and I am so stupid, silly stupid not to understand that.

Gwen,

Start thinking of options to protect yourself and your kids. I know you have taken some action, but sounds like you will need to take some more. You can do this!

For example:

Can you sell the car? Don't make his car payment if it's impacting how the girls and you are living.

Drop him from the insurance.

File for temp support. In most states, it's free to file for child support. Don't expect him to act in good faith or with any rationale. I made that mistake. I'm still waiting on a set amount of support and it's been three years since he left.

Put on your business head and start thinking of how you can make some changes to improve your circumstances.

Oh, you could call the car company/financing company and tell them the situation. Let them know you are unwilling to keep paying for this vehicle. If you give them a head's up, they may be willing to present some deal to him or help you unload it.

Maybe trying something new was not as futile as I thought. H called last night and he seemed to listen. He was depressed I could tell. Not sure what's going on but I was pleasant & said the same things about a separation agreement. I focused on the facts and kept the chit chat to a minimum. I told him as long as court was looming we would all be stressed. We discussed D16 and D19 and he said how much he missed them. I said that he needed to trust me and that his choices have created a situation that is unfair and hurtful but we must all carry on. I said I want to stop keeping score but if I have to pursue court then it is all about keeping score and he is forcing me to do that. H really seemed to listen to that point.

Yes it was a moment. H seemed depressed. I sense OW is not his BFF in the way he imagined. Real life is creeping in...grass is not greener in the desert.

Unfortunately H has never been one to reflect or communicate well. It was a shift but zero expectation it will last. I will carry on but it was a blessing to have a conversation.

Back to the "business" of life - Lois, good ideas but I am stuck with the payment until May. If I quit paying the loan it is my credit too and H would just reduce the amount he sends. I am trying to hold out so if this goes to court the judge will see amount he has been paying at least rule that amount continues on.

Thanks everyone for letting me get this all out. I never wanted to be a person who sued her H but I have no choice. it is just so difficult some days.

Gwen,
You have to do what you need to do in order to survive and take care of your children. Hopefully the judge will review the case and either rule that he continue to pay the set amount or he may increase it.

I do hope that your h will begin to communicate more w/you and listen to what you have to say. Have you thought of doing a spreadsheet of expenses and sharing it w/him so that he can see for himself what is coming in and what is going out? Sometimes when they see it in black and white they can comprehend better what is going on.

Keep up the good work. You are doing well for what you are going through.

Thanks Job. You can tell how upset I was by all the typos. Mobile device typing is a challenge. I like the spreadsheet idea. I will have to do that for the judge anyway so might as well start compiling things.

Sunshine, I thought of you today. The only way H even talked to me was because I left the door open a bit. By texting your son that is exactly what you are doing - leaving the door open. It is a brave thing not to bolt it shut when your heart is vulnerable. Stay strong.

Talked to H again yesterday. Needed to tell him about some tax info. H answered right away and it was a conversation with a beginning, middle and end. I told H I forgive him. Not sure why I told him that and I do forgive him but mainly for myself. It doesn't change anything. H is far away and has put himself in a situation that limits his options at the moment. I feel bad for him but he created the situation.

Not sure what is up with OW. I did not ask but I feel a real shift from infatuation. I sensed he was trying to empathize with me and the children. He did not seem mad at me at all. Not sure if he is being honest because I don't trust my inner voice.

He told me he sent a new response to his lawyer about the settlement. He said he directed it so we shall see. I tried very hard not to ask too many questions. One question I asked was if H had ever lied before. I told him that was the worst all the lies for months because our M was so honest for so long but then again maybe it wasn't. The way he answered never told me that he was as stunned with all the lies as I was. I told him we can't build anything built on lies and no matter how badly it hurts honesty has to happen because we all deserve honesty and respect.

We did not discuss D or R. I sense OW is becoming a real person with real issues. I assume there is still a relationship but not sure. I am the W and I do not sense that will change right away. A legal separation has to happen. Too many issues and I can't trust this man. I need to show my girls we are ok.

I keep praying H will focus on himself but not sure he has it in him. He was never good at communication. I just have to be realistic.

Just not sure how this all makes me feel. Sad? Resigned? I surrendered emotionally and forgave him for spinning out of control and destroying our life. I know that is a big step but I am not sure what it means? I don't regret saying the words- H needed to hear it if only to give him a chance to return from exile. i guess I thought it would feel more of a relief. I am so eerily calm.

Is this contentment or resignation? Am I waiting for the other shoe to drop?

Gwen,
Another possibility is that the MLC is running its course and the internal turmoil/confusion is starting to settle down. If we believe that MLC is a developmental stage much like adolescence, then as time goes on, that person's perceptions and thinking will likely change as they pass through this phase. Hopefully, by that point, the MLCer will be able to look back and realize that it is the loving relationships with those closest to you (spouse and family) and experiencing life together with those people that is the key to happiness and contentment.
What your H decides to do is not under your control, but I think that if you are open to having him back in your life in the future, it was a good idea to give him the hint that possibility was there. I think we get to a point in our situations where we are afraid to have too many feelings because we've had so many disappointments. Good luck

M:48 H:49 M:16 years
D13, D15

123Gwen- I think what you are feeling is completely normal and part of the process. You will continue to cycle through. For me I found my peaceful times came after intense emotional turmoil. I've decided it's how detachment must occur, little pieces at a time. Hope the sense of contentment for now gives you some rest and time to recharge.

Thanks everyone. My friends think it is nuts that I told him I forgive him. I haven't forgotten and the consequences of his choices have still hurt me deeply but I feel like one year should not define a relationship that was loving and solid for over two decades. I keep struggling with the entire concept of forgiveness. It means different things to different people. One friend said I was giving him a "hall pass" and yet I think he is suffering more than I am.

MLC is a label that implies "hall pass" for bad behavior. On some level husband knew what he was choosing. I just believe he had no real idea of the fall out. Now he does and if I don't offer him a sliver of a chance to at least have an amicable relationship then I am just as selfish as H and the OW. I want to save my marriage but regardless of the future I will not destroy the man I married. I couldn't live with myself. I am not trying to be a martyr but merely trying to find some grace.

Gwen,
I do not think you are nuts to forgive your h. No, you aren't giving him a hall pass, but what you are doing is showing compassion for someone who has made some bad choices in his life right now. He's already a broken man and if and when he wakes up, he will realize just what he's done and he's going to have to live w/that the rest of his life.

By forgiving him, you will be able to live far better w/yourself because you will not become a bitter woman and will walk the road of life w/grace.

You are not crazy for forgiving. Forgiving is the fast track to healing.

Our society breeds these "real housewife" mentalities that are dead end streets. Read some Oprah.com or maria shrivers web site.

You don't need to debate your friends but you should tune them out.

Forgiveness is the key to happiness

So a few days ago I was all about the forgiveness track and now I am riding the rollercoaster of loneliness and isolation. Not feeling worthy and marinating in sadness.

My head just can't rationalize his behavior. Most days I can recite the whole "it isn't about me" but not today. I can't do it today.

People deal with far worse tragedies but this grief is like a cloud over my heart. Living in the land of in between is exhausting.

Gwen,
You are going to have good and bad days and you have to be kind to yourself. You are still grieving for your "old" marriage. You are going to go through periods of sadness and not feeling very worthy, but you need to allow that pain to wash over you and then let it go. After each time you go through this type of "cycle" the period of time will begin to shorten until one day, you will wake up and realize that the sun is shining and the world is waiting for you to come out to play.

I do understand why you can't rationalize his behavior. His behavior truly isn't rational because everything he does or says is based on emotion. When people are emotional, you have to sit back and allow those emotions to play out before you can even get a word in edgewise. Their perception of the world isn't the same as ours right now.

Gwen, feel the pain and then let it go. I know your heart is conflicted and the cloud is hanging over it. Be kind to yourself. Do something extra special for yourself. Take it one second, one minute and then one hour at a time until you feel stronger.

I'm with Job! (Always, Job writes the most encouraging things!) I often have days like that, where it's just unbearable or I can't stop thinking about that OW thinking about MY husband as if he were hers to think about, etc., even though right now that alien person is not my true husband. The thing is, those days come and go. Sometimes the day is the darkest thing you can imagine and other days you are thankful. Just keep trying to bring thoughts of thankfulness into your head. I think of all the ways my situation could be even worse, and that helps. I try to think of being thankful for what my situation ISN'T, instead of crying over what it is. But also I cry my head off. I go to my church, which is always open and is down the block, and cry my head off, at least once a day and then I pray for a while until I get some strength restored, and then I put one foot in front of the other again.

Gwen,

Down days are all a part of the process. You will get through them and be better than ever before in the end.

One thing that helps me...focusing on the things I DON'T miss about my spouse.

-His impatience and moodiness
-His limited way of looking at opportunities
-His lethargy
-His ability to ruin a really great day or holiday with his Debbie Downer attitude
-His control-freakiness
-His negativity

You get the idea. Focus on what things you Don't miss and you begin to see some blessings in his leaving. The grief you feel will pass...I PROMISE...and, you will begin to see that he is only human with some very troubling issues.

We went for a day trip to Lake Placid a few weeks back. On the way home, the tire pressure light came on. I stopped and put some air in the tires. Well, it was 0 degrees out and I dropped the cap to the air thingy. It's freezing. FREEZING. My D20 got out and helped me find the cap. It took a bit, but we found it.

When we got back in the car, she said, "It's times like these that I'm really glad dad isn't here. We had this great day and...had he been here for the "Cap Crisis," he would have probably ruined the memory for everyone. He would have gotten all pi$$y and angry and mean and belittling. We would, forever, remember this trip as the one where we lost the cap on the airy thingy."

As it happens, we have a great memory of a day in Lake Placid...there's only a blip of a memory about the tire. :-)

You will get there...but you gotta get through first.

Wow! The whole idea of turning gratitude around really resonated with me. Most of the time I am one of those super positive people but some days I just feel paralyzed with sadness and grief. The idea of working through it by remembering all the things I am glad to be away from is eye opening.

Your story about the tire is right on the mark too. H had been so angry and short with me for months before he left. My toes were raw from walking on eggshells and the vibe was completely dictated by his mood. I didn't see it until after BD but now I am reminded of it constantly. The air we breathe is lighter. The words we speak are honest and the memories we create are not defined by one person.

H was changing but I was so close I was reacting not truly observing. H was angry but it was not usually directed at me or the girls. He was just unhappy and we all had to deal with it. I think that is why I am dealing with a sadness that just makes me question everything. The tragedy that could have been avoided.

Then again we are all here because we would have done anything to avoid this tragedy for our spouse. Thank you all for listening and helping.

123Gwen- hang in there! The cycling is awful but each round gets you further away from the drama.
I don't think we could have avoided this tragedy ( I used to think so/ being the great fixer that I am). This was going to happen no matter what. And really.... I think the tragedy was them never dealing with their baggage and carrying around weighing them further and further down. I remember a few years before BD noticing my STBX was very restless. I tried to give him some books to read and suggested counseling but he wasn't ready at the time. What's happening now has to be the way it is for them to get through the crisis.

Hang in there- you've got the right idea it just takes time- which I know is frustrating.

Thanks everyone. The cycling is brutal. I find it so emotionally draining and truly a tragic experience. That adjective comes up again and again -- tragic.

Supposedly H is responding to separation settlement. Heard that before so we shall see. I keep crying at odd times - I am enveloped in the tragedy. Not because I am a drama queen but because from where I sit it seemed so easily avoidable. I am looking forward to a day that doesn't involve this odd feeling of tragedy.

I still pray for H every morning and every night. I can't get angry but the sadness... I am awash in sadness. When we spoke the other night he never asked about his children. It was like a knife the fact that he never thought of them. I pray for acceptance.

Every day people deal with far worse in the world. I am embearassed to think that I have had such a rough time dealing with the fact that my husband is having a MLC. That his actions are textbook and that his choice to move over a thousand miles away to be with OW is such a clique.

Sorry to whine but venting helps me slog through it. My weekend will be quiet but I think I am just trying to regroup before I start the new job full time. Being a hermit isn't bad as long as I don't make it a habit.

Gwen,

I'm sorry you are struggling and your feelings are normal. It's okay to cry-that's the way to work through your feelings. It's difficult to compare grief as it's not a contest. Your pain is as big as anyone else's and there is no shame in that and the situation is irrelevant. If you are sad and in pain, you just are. And that is understandable.

Hang in there:-)

Thinking of you Gwen.

You are amazing and will make it through.

Lots of love,

Heather

Heather I loved your idea of making a list of all the things you don't want to go back to. What a great idea!

Gwen it takes time to work through all the emotions when your whole life has been turned upside down. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting bad behaviour. It means you are looking at this with compassion and not holding on to bitterness.

I'm 2.5 yrs out now. Im moving forward in my life. I have just tipped my toe into the dating pool. Life is short...too short not to live it.

I have notice time passes differently right now. I guess it is just part of the rollercoaster ride. Also the feeling of loneliness on that roller coaster. For my entire adult life I had a partner beside me. The we is now a me.

D16 remarked how it would have been easier if he had died. I understand what she meant. The memories would have been frozen at a point where we were all happy. Of course I told her that as tough as this is death is final. There are no second chances to build a relationship. I told her love and reconciliation are possible and that is a silver lining. I asked he to keep open her heart for that possibility and that maybe they'd be able to connect again.

So the we is a me and people are starting to notice. The last 2 weekends have found me having to deal with his absence. It hurts and I think that it is a real catalyst for me.

This weekend I am going to lay low and regroup. I totally believe in GAL but right now there is nobody around to notice. I made great strides the last two months with the holidays and finding a job. Right now I just need to hibernate.

Gwen, I completely understand the desire to just �hibernate�. I have no energy for GAL. It happens when it happens.

Sometime I think that it would be easier if H died. Yes, there would be happy memories that would not be erased by the hurt and pain. I can tell your D16 is hurting. This is just so sad.

I have the moments of feeling very lonely, when I think that none of my friends or family care and I�m just by myself dealing with this. It is getting better though. I started to feel like I want to change things around me, like I finally realized that I�m my own boss and can do whatever I want with my house and my life. Isn�t it interesting? I think I�m starting to understand what it feels like to drop the rope.

Hang in there, Gwen. One day at a time.

Bright, Karma, LoisB, Georgiabelle & Daring - You are all so supportive. When I am home late at night and get on this sight I feel incredibly fortunate to have found others who understand what it is like to love and lose a spouse to MLC. This is a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Thank you for sharing your experiences and offering up support. It can be so lonely but with you all I know I am never far from the support of friends who can truly relate.

Gwen,
How are you doing?

Thanks for checking on me Job. Getting close to a financial separation agreement and that is a comfort though once it is signed I think H will consider himself divorced and may even file shortly thereafter. I know logically I could not have stopped this but yet I feel like a failure. I read DBusting after BD and by then he was living across the country. I was foolish to think we were a team. I am trying not feel like a victim but sometimes I just feel that pity party coming on strong.

Focusing on better news--- The new job is going really well. The girls are good considering all that happened. They know they can count on me and each other. I have controlled what I can and have not become a sad, angry woman.

I have learned that looking back won't give me any comfort. I can't alter the past so I have finally quit that analyzing and what if stage. That was a big accomplishment for me because I was overthinking every day of our lives and not getting many answers. I was far from perfect but there was never any sense of H wanting out of the marriage until the OW. It is all so textbook - the MLC. Oops maybe I am not past that overanalyzing stage?

Considering the situation I am doing ok. How are you?

Gwen,
I'm glad to read that the new job is going well and the girls are doing good too.

As for the final separation agreement, you h probably already considered himself divorced when the switch was flipped. What you have been feeling, i.e., like a failure, is very normal after having the bomb dropped. Your h had choices and he chose the wrong ones and one day, he'll probably think about those choices and wonder why he made them. By then, you will have moved on.

I think you've been handling things quite well and the advice/support you have been providing to others as been excellent.

Hang in there! Things will get better.

Thinking of you Gwen........hugs

Gwen - I'm new to all this as husband just BD end of January. I can relate to many aspects of your situation. You have many people who want to see you become better for yourself. Getting a career again after so many years is fantastic. I am getting inspiration from your journey.

Hi 123Gwen.

Praying for you. I so get what you mean. The rollercoaster. It's awful but just know that we are all here for you. You will survive. BETTER than before. Everything will work out for the good.. CAN'T WAIT ;-)

In His love,

VGE1

Romans 8:28

What are you & husbands personality types - introvert/extrovert?

H is an introvert and I am the extrovert. They say opposites attract and in many ways that is true. Ying and yang, peas and carrots --- The funny thing is that whenever we had to tackle something important we were always completely on the same page. Totally in agreement about all the big stuff. Obviously that doesn't guarantee much though.

I received the separation papers today. Where I live the terms of the separation survive a divorce so this was extremely difficult to deal with so close after BD. I felt I had no choice with H moving so far away and then discovery of OW. I had not worked in 2 decades and 2 girls who are older but not yet on their own.

In my mind I kept telling myself this is just a separation. Technically it is separation and not divorce but this week I am reminded that my perception is irrelevant. I am irrelevant.

Started officially new job on Monday at permanent assignment. Rec'd separation papers on Tuesday. Email from H on Wednesday saying he is quitting his job and took another in the town where OW lives on Thursday. Signed papers on Friday. Also found out Friday why everyone quits this job.

I am just strung out emotionally. would go into depth about phone conversation with H Thursday night but who knows what's true about that. H says new job is 60% travel. H may try to come here to see the girls. He said he thought I hated him. I ride and said I am incapable of that emotion but I am so angry.

Now that the terms of the financial settlement have been signed I guess Ijust could finally be honest with him and let out the emotion. It was not smart to do that before now. Then again it wasn't very smart now. I basically said that I am an idiot and I'd take you back without saying the words.

I am so tired. Just exhausted really trying to reach a place of acceptance. Just when I think I've gotten there it all blows up again.

Will post again when I have a grip on things. Glad it is time for a new thread. A good metaphor for my life.

Gwen,
Breathe. You've had too many things hit you emotionally this week. Take some time to recharge and find your footing again. Come back and post when you feel better.

So cried a lot of the last 72 hours. A release of sorts. A relief as well. Phone call with H was so full of emotion but not sure if it honest emotion or just a sense of nostalgia. The thing is I just can't discern the truth anymore. In the end I offered an olive branch if you will. We decided on a code word - a starting place if the day ever comes when H wants to really do the work to attempt a R. Not sure if I will ever hear that code word and if the day ever arrives I am not sure what kind of response I will be capable of giving.

I reminded H that a separation is not a divorce and that the sacrament of marriage is unbreakable though I love him enough to let him go. I just couldn't allow this post separation agreement life to start with bitterness. Though I have felt gut punched one too many times.

100th post and I think the universe is telling me that it is time for a new thread and a new reality.

I thought MLC was some catchy excuse for bad behavior among the middle aged. Some handy little term that places blame in all the wrong places.

For almost 25 years my husband was ethical, kind, loving, fun and blatantly honest. I never doubted his love and while our marriage wasn't perfect it was not headed towards divorce.

I know many think I am using MLC as a catchy excuse for bad behavior but firsthand experience has converted me into a true believer of this hideous personality disorder. Of course everyone must navigate midlife and most do that without destroying their marriage and their family.

All that is water under the bridge -- I must not live pre- MLC. I have to focus on me because for all intensive purposes the life I knew is over. These boards have taught me that I am no longer a part of my H's life. I have to embrace the me and let go of the we.

For a long time I wondered when the anger would arrive -- I think I've finally found it.