This is my first post here in the MLC section.
Hi all, first let me say thank you for all the lessons and experiences shared in this forum. It has helped me to be strong at my weakest points on this journey. I've read many similar stories to mine but not too many that involve pregnancy and new babies. I'm 32 and H turn 40 in January 2014. He's had a traumatic childhood with tons of abandonment and loss. He's struggled with major depression on and off (mostly on) his whole life (sad). He dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb 2/4/14 when I was 6 months pregnant. Since then he completely shut himself off emotionally and physically to me. We tried a few couples sessions and that didn't get anywhere so we stopped. He was/and still is not willing to work on our R. I assumed responsibility of the faults I contributed to in our R and acknowledged that with our first D born 3/2012 I struggled with postpartum depression and withdrew from the R myself. This is different. H is different. I NEVER in one million billion year would have thought he was capable of giving up on our R and love especially since we have 2 beautiful daughters and before deciding to have a family heavily discussed what that meant. We were absolutely 100% committed to giving our daughters an intact home full of love and fun. So this man truly has become an alien. He told me "it's crappy timing I know but I feel like I need to be selfish right now, that I don't want to take care of anyone else (meaning me) and my daughters (cause I have to). **side note I'm quite self sufficient thank you haha...
From 2/4/14 till mid October there has been several conversations about him moving out to "find himself". Take care of himself. He says he has a BIG PLAN! Well On 11/15/14 he moved out. Took the little bit of things that were his and not ours and got an apartment. I knew it was coming since we agreed on the date but I guess him actually doing knocked the wind right out of me. How could he... I was devastated and did allllllll the things I wasn't supposed to. Criiiiied like a baby, cussed him out several times, told him allllll the bad things he was and what he was doing to me, our daughters and our family. All of it. I did it. And it felt necessary in the moment. I've since apologized for the mean things I said in anger and as of today I babe recommitted to DBing. At one point in the beginning when the bomb was dropped I was soooooo good at DBing. I truly started to GAL and that has since stuck but I stopped coming her at some point months ago and and wavered on the parts of DB like staying happy and friendly, not talking about the R, all that stuff. But I did continue to GAL and started working out and have lost 10lbs, started cooking again, going out with friends, focusing on my side work, and other things I enjoy by myself. The irony of it all is this has been one of the best years of my life for professional and personal growth. For that I am thankful.
I am a psychotherapist so I am keenly self aware of so much and it is a gift and a burden in my sitch. I'm exhausted from juggling a full time job (which I love), a small side private practice (which keeps me excited professionally), and now being a single mom to a 2-3/4 year old and an almost 7 month old. He does help watch the girls whenever I need him to and so far has financially continued to contribute a large chunk. How did I get here? How is this my life? Am I strong enough to endure years of this cold isolation from the man I loved and who once loved me? I'm feeling especially broken and sad tonight. Had a good cry and feel better after writing all this. Thank you for reading if you got to the end. Any advice, words of wisdom in similar sitches, or words of encouragement are helpful!
BB,
I'm sorry you found yourself here.
I'm sure Cadet will be along with some homework and a welcome soon.
Try not to focus on the "years" ahead. Think about today.
Place your focus on this moment only, especially since you are still adjusting to his move out.
NONE of this is your fault. No marriage is perfect. There's a big difference between taking responsibility for someone coming unhinged and taking responsibility for your part in a typically imperfect marriage.
Focus on the moment, yourself, your kids.
I've found that breathing through the really painful moments helps. If you don't meditate, now would be the time to start. I really find it helpful.
Take care of yourself.
Heather
Thank you for your response. I'm a mess this week. I'm so hurt. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and this year well.... This. I hoping by Xmas I'll have myself a little emotionally grounded and a little more adjusted to him not living here. When I'm working that's the only time I feel "normal". I guess it serves as an escape!
BB, I'm sorry you're here, too.
There are some amazing people on this board....virtually picked me up from my sobbing heap of pain in the early days. Hang in there.... They'll come around soon:).
This will be my first holiday season without H, as well. And I totally get what you mean by work feeling the only "normal" place... I used to cry at the end of my work days because I had to go back to my unwanted reality.
Have you been able to do much for yourself?
Yes I've always been a big advocate of self care and when H dropped the bomb in feb I quickly started to GAL and have stuck to it. I've been exercising more (well that got put on hold while I readjust my schedule as a single parent now) but plan to start reincorporating it again next week, I do IC twice a month, go to lunch and dinner with friends frequently, but I still miss my H dearly and hate that he is so sick
I'm so angry... For so many reasons... This isn't what I signed up for! Not even a little. Committing my life to him was a big deal, I trusted him. Grrrrrrrrrrr...
BB
I am sorry you find yourself here, but welcome - the guys here are amazing, you will get some great advise, sympathy and push you along when needed.
I to am new here, this will be my first xmas without my h and also my sx2 so I understand how you must be feeling. Do you have family or friends around?
I am no expert - I am walking the minefield of MLC like you - but would say; don't apologize to him for anything you say, you did not want this, you are hurting and its normal to react. Just try keep up with Db'ing and keep any communication short and to the point if you can - no r talk.
Well done on GAL, you are doing really well, congrats on the weight loss.
Cry, scream, shout, vent away, we all do it and it feels soooooo good :o)
Hugs to you xx
Hi BBlove- sorry you are here, happy you found this place though- it will help you immensely.
You may want to check out Raine's thread as she went through all of her mess while pregnant as well. I've read through her threads many times as they are phenomenally helpful for anyone dealing with a crazy MLCer.
I totally understand when you say you didn't sign up for this and never expected it- MLC really takes loving people and turns them into fire breathing teenagers on steroids. We are all here to walk the crazy journey with you.
Thank you all!
I have a brother and sister who are great and my sister has really stepped up the
Sat couple months helping me with the toddler. Ps he took her from Sunday till to tomorrow to give me some time to process and adjust. I am thankful. Both my parents passed away in 2000 so it's just me and kid brother and sister. But I'm thankful for them.
How do I find Raines threads? I'd love to read them for some insight!
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and
we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version,
sorry for the confusion.I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Reccomended Reading thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893 The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619MLC for Dummies
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1Great one liners
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543TMAK Reconnection
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2485011Snippits from the Anne Sheffield depression site
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=851708#Post851708Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869Odds and Ends from Delboy
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488315#Post2488315The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thanks cadet!!! Starting reading so tonight and LOOOOOOOOOOVE both the lighthouse story and the MLC for dummies. mLc for dummies like scary right on down to exact verbiage. Wow!
Thanksgiving was good. Spent the day at an amusement park with my siblings and 2 Ds. We had a great time and was the perfect distraction to get me through the day. I'm exhausted so hoping I can sleep past 4am tonight. Since H left almost 2 weeks ago I've been waking at ungodly times and can't go back to sleep because the spinning brain! It [censored] especially since my toddler has me up at 5-530am every morning.
Anyway. Just wanted to stop in and say it was a good day. H and I exchanged a few text regarding the kids time at the amusement park and every text he send ended with a
(smiley face) example: thsts awesome... Glad I'm glad it was good
<-- referring to the day. What's all the smiley faces about????
Off to continue my homework reading. It helps.. A LOT!
Oh cadet... After reading MLC for dummies I'm sure H is in the depths of a full blown mlc but there was a link to a thread on another older post for mlc vs was. Do you still have it? Just would like to read more about that. Thanks!
Oh cadet... After reading MLC for dummies I'm sure H is in the depths of a full blown mlc but there was a link to a thread on another older post for mlc vs was. Do you still have it? Just would like to read more about that. Thanks!
No I am sorry it was Purged.
Bottom line YOU do nothing different in either case.
Your advice is the same.
Was this a sudden change in behavior or has it been going on for a long time?
Hi BBlove,
So sorry you find yourself here as well. Just wanted to say hello and let you know you have lots of support. Hang in there.
BBLove,
I have posted the Midlife Crisis for Dummies for you as a separate thread.
Cadet... It was pretty abrupt. I kept saying why won't you even consider trying to work on this (before I for DB and what MLC really was). I was so confused. How could it have gone from "yes things are great in this moment between us but nothing some communication and reconnecting couldn't fix" to "ilybnilwy and we will never be able to work out". Literally a bomb! I was left so confused shuffling through the last year trying to understand what and how.
Reading and reading and reading... It helps! A lot!
So is his emotional presence for our daughter a show, an attempt to be genuine, obligatory? Surely it isn't the one realm of his life he can feel? He's always been a person of integrity and overly responsible. I feel this is the case of guiltily responsible I don't think he doesn't want what's best for our girls but I also feel like he's just going through the motions. He good at it though but I suppose it's a mask/facade he's portrayed his whole life. Why wouldn't he be good at it right!
BBLove,
I have posted the Midlife Crisis for Dummies for you as a separate thread.
Job I think you misunderstood.
Bb was looking for the thread on MLC vs WAS
Cadet... It was pretty abrupt. I kept saying why won't you even consider trying to work on this (before I for DB and what MLC really was). I was so confused. How could it have gone from "yes things are great in this moment between us but nothing some communication and reconnecting couldn't fix" to "ilybnilwy and we will never be able to work out". Literally a bomb! I was left so confused shuffling through the last year trying to understand what and how.
This does sound like MLC to me.
although it's not for me to decide
Hey Cadet,
Yep, I misunderstood what BB was looking for...but at least we have a new thread on Dummies (once again). LOL! Sorry about that.
BB,
If you do a search on the net you'll find some articles on MLC vs WAS..but you'll need to type midlife crisis vs. walk away spouse. The articles are not what we had posted here, but it will be a good reference tool for you.
Someone please help me.... I'm doing my best to DB I really am. But my girlfriend saw him at the blvd cinema last night with someone. I'm hurt and so pissed since he's only been gone 2 weeks but more so I'm embarassed. We live in a small town so it's inevitable that people I know will see him running around. I know the answer is to say nothing but I am not sure I can refrain myself from asking him to keep his ass-ness (a real word lol) discret for the sake of my career and reputation. Ugh. I was motivated to clean my house and get it ready to decorate for Xmas and now I just want to lie here and sulk.
BB, I'm so sorry you had to hear such news from your girlfriend. I know how painful that stuff is, from my own experience.
First, these early S days can be the some of the toughest. Sometimes it's not even one day at a time. Take it and hour at a time, or even one minute at a time.
It may not feel like it at the moment, but you will get through this. It will get better.
I know from your background, that you know much of this already. It is completely different when you are the one experiencing it.
The feelings of hurt, anger and embarrassment.... Completely normal and understandable.
You do know the answer is best to say nothing.
Asking him to keep himself discreet will most likely yield no positive result. If he respected your wishes right now, he wouldn't be doing what he is doing. He will not respect that request, either.
If it is MLC, he is acting from a very juvenile, selfish, entitled place. This is HIS life, and he will do what he wants. Like a teenager. He will likely rebel against any request to act as you want.
Also, the ow is truly not worth your thoughts. Do not give any energy to that. I know, it sounds easy to say, and impossible to do. BB, this is devastating stuff. Believe what everyone say here. She can't hold a candle to you. It's not about finding someone better. It's truly seeking a bandaid for pain that was there long before you. And it's true, they always always affair down.
Please be kind to yourself today. Remove any pressure of getting decorating etc. done if you don't feel up to it. Take your time, feel what you feel, and let it wash over you.
Do at least one thing for yourself today if you can possibly manage. With little ones, I know this can be a challenge. Even if it's a hot bath, or just lighting a few scented candles to change the energy. Every little bit helps.
Hang in there, BB.
(((((Hugs)))))
BB,
Shining gave you excellent advice. If you say anything to him about being discreet, he's going to ramp it up because he doesn't care about what you want...but more importantly the only person he's worried about his himself. He's acting out and the more you point things out to him, the more he's going to do what he wants, i.e., you are right now the mother figure to his inner child.
You don't have to stress yourself over decorating for the holidays. Do something simple, make new tradition, i.e., keep things simple for you.
When the pain hits, feel it, allow it to wash over you and then release it. You are human, and yes, there are going to be days when you don't feel up to doing anything. Always remember, there's always tomorrow if I don't get it done today.
Take care of yourself and take some much needed time to pamper yourself.
Thank you both for your encouraging words and reminder. Seriously helpful
And I did not say anything nor plan to like I really want. You're right it won't change anything if anything only make it worse.
Where am i? Is this my life? This has to be the twilight zone!
Yeah...the twilight zone is an understatement!!! It is unbelievable, isn't it, BB? This new life that we didn't ask for....it isn't fair.
Buckle in. This will not be easy, not matter what. But you can and will get through it all.
Although it doesn't feel like it now, believe that if you use this time to work on yourself, you will never regret it.
The words I've read here over and over, are that the only real regrets people have, are when they had waited so long to get moving and enjoy their lives.
BB - So sorry to hear your having a bad time - we all know your pain, I wish I could wave a magic wand and take it away for you.
BUT having said that - by going through all that you are feeling, accepting it and allowing the process to happen, you will emerge stronger than ever - I know it does not seem possible but believe me, you will.
I would not request anything from him, he won't listen - all it will do is make him more determined, he feeds off you and your emotions - Don't Feed The Monster !!
Thank you!!!! He came over this evening to hang out with the girls and I have retreated to my room. He came in asking how I was feeling blabity blah. I just want to slap the crap out of him. How dare he. Can you tell I'm angry lol.
But.... I started to clean the front room of my house which I've been avoiding for a long time. So that felt good!
I'm feeling stronger day by day. Connecting more with my daughters, making plans with girlfriends, gathering support from online forums!! But the snooping... Why can't I stop snooping! HEEEELLLPPPPP....
You have to make yourself stop the snooping. Put a rubber band on your wrist and each time you are tempted to snoop, snap that rubber band. The sting will give you something else to think about.
BTW, the urge to snoop in the early days is very normal. You are seeking answers and you think the only way to find them is to snoop. Snooping sometimes is good, but there are other times when you will wish you hadn't done it.
I.CANT.STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with me! This is not me.. OMG.
There is no such thing as can't. You, and only you, have control over making the decision to stop. Coming here and posting is a good way to get your mind off of it. Find something else to do when you get the itch to snoop. There is no magic cure for the snooping except determination to stop.
You are right but it's so hard! I've been doing better this week. But I'm having a hard time being "friendly" and "pleasant" to him when he's around. I can barely look at him after finding out he was on a date this last weekend. I've gone completely dark except with necessary matters of our daughters and have cut out anything more then bare minimum responses. How do I be pleasant. I'm really struggling letting go of the anger and hate right now. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing till the anger dies down and I can be more friendly and pleasant towards him? I am still continuing on with GAL. That hasn't changed. Have plans to go out Saturday night for drinks and dancing with my girlfriends! Thanks job for the mentoring. You have no idea how much it means!
There are going to be days when you just need to distance yourself. You can be civil towards him, but that doesn't mean you have to be overly friendly. Look at him as the mailman. You are civil/courteous towards him, treat your h the same way. Keep your contact w/him to emergencies and your children.
You do realize that you are going through stages very similar to the MLCer? The stages are part of the grieving process. You've get through the anger when you are ready to let it go. Find things to take that anger out on, i.e., beat the pillows, join a gym, walking, gardening, anything that will help you release that anger. The anger is normal and it takes time to get through the process.
Hang in there!
So I've been procrastinating long enough about talking to H about our plans to move out of state next summer. My sister and I are planning to book tickets this week to go check out a couple states but I feel I cannot waste the $ on plane tickets if I haven't discussed his commitment to moving with. He said a couple months ago he still would go where ever we went to be near our girls but that was before he moved out. I cannot take my girls away from him in good conscious. So if he says he won't move then we'd have to recalculate a plan of action to move from where we are. We are now in An area that was a temporary move for both our careers and 5 years was our limit. It's a trash filled area and we are both in agreeance this is not where we want to be when our daughters start school.
I've been pretty successful at going dark this week so I'm afraid initiating this convo will nul that for me. Omg I hate this so much! This is not the life I chose!
The convo went well. I kept it relevant to the necessary topic needed to be discussed. In a way it's helped move forward with letting go a little more. I'm realizing that this (or something drastically similar) had to happen in his life because of the demons he's always struggled. That is helping me to let it be and continue in my journey. I know that regardless of the outcome the way he was living his life was not what I wanted. He struggled with these demons his whole life. They've just finally cuaught up. IIIIIIIIIF we ever reconcile I know it will be amazing and if we don't I know I'll be happier then if I were in the R with the old H. If that makes sense?
Wanna hear something funny. He broke his foot! Well a stress fracture Hahahaha karma! He's got a huge boot and crutches for 4-6 weeks. I wonder if that I'd going to throw his depression into overdrive!?
I'm glad the convo went well and now you can breathe a bit. As for the broken foot, he's going to be looking for attention and someone to feel sorry for him. Is he still able to drive?
Yes he can still drive. And I had a bad day
just when I was feeling strong my mother in law got to me. Ugh I know I should have refrained talking to her. Which then brought up talk about us and stuff like that. I feel like I lack so much self control. I know as I'm sending a text or something I shouldn't but I can't stop myself. Tomorrow's a new day right. Back to my objectives and goals!
So I should just pretty much ignore the foot huh lol
One step forward, two steps back. That's the way it usually goes until you get the hang of things. Don't discuss your situation with your mother in law. Blood is thicker than water and she'll always take her baby boy's side, even if he lies, cheats or steals.
As for his foot, that's up to you if you want to wait on him and feel sorry for him.
As Scarlett said "tomorrow's another day".
Job thank you for being here for me. I appreciate it. And yes I never meant to say anything to that woman but she antagonized me and I took it personal. This year in my journey of self discovery a huge lesson I've learned is to not take things personally. But dam she got my buttons! And him... Welllll you're right 2 steps back. Ugh... And we spent the evening with out toddler decorating the tree. We kept It toddler centered but I just want my family. I hate this
I do understand how the in-laws can get under your skin when it comes to the situation that you or anyone else is in right now. They don't understand MLC and they certainly don't want to think that their babies were the culprits. So, you've told her what was on your mind, now you'll need to find a way to zip it and not discuss your situation w/her any further. If she brings it up again, you can say nicely "mother in law, I would prefer to keep this matter between my h and me". Then change the subject to your toddler or the weather or something else.
Don't sell yourself short, this is a difficult path to follow and I think you are doing well. It takes time to climb that mountain and you'll get there. The holidays tend to be a bit rough, but they'll be over very soon and everything will be back to normal in the world once again.
Hang in there!
Can someone talk to me about MLC cycling? Or provide links. I feel so crazy sometimes. How rapid are their cycles? I'm doing pretty well at staying dim. We went for drink Thursday to discuss upcoming relocation which potentially may have the girls and I moved before he can move too. I did lots of listening and affirming. He cried some, I cried more then I had hoped too. We didn't talk any future at stuff but both agreed the door to him coming home wasn't closed. He said in his 5 weeks in his own place he's Been able to do some reflecting and he is seeing just how negative of a person he is and he doesn't like it. He wants to change that and so much more he says but doesn't know how. We briefly cheated about him gettig back into IC but well see if that happens.
I'm trying to learn more about MLCers cycling and don't know where to look.
Thank you in advance!
Have you seen the posts, Cadet posted? If not, have a look for him and one of the links pages.
Cycling is very different for each person though, so as with all things MLC - take it as a data point that happened to others.
AJ
Go to your first page of this thread and scroll down. Cadet posted the "home work" page for you w/a lot of the links.
AJ is correct, each person is different, i.e., personalities, upbringings, issues, etc. Each person will act out differently and yet have many of the same behaviors as others that are floating around on the Mother Ship. Cycling can be long or short, depending upon the person.
I religiously read all my homework!! I will read again and again. It's just been such a roller coaster week for me personally. I didn't think the holidays would be as hard as they have been
my heart hurts and chest is heavy.
Anyone have a working link to HBs LBS stages sermons? The link listed in my HW post from cadet is still not working. Thank you all for your support! 😘😘
BB,
I'm sorry to have to say this, but the link for HB's stages is no longer working. Her work was purged back in the early fall when the Board was cleaning up. Someone may have kept a copy and hopefully they will respond, but unless the creator of the posting came back and let us know that we could continue posting their threads, they weren't included in Cadet's home work links. A few creators' of threads, like myself, did not wish to have some of the threads kept here any longer so they weren't brought back.
unless the creator of the posting came back and let us know that we could continue posting their threads, they weren't included in Cadet's home work links.
BB
Unfortunately this is exactly the case with the thread you are looking for.
If HB would like to have it included here then she would need to re-post it.
I would not want to re-post it without her permission.
Sorry but there are still lots of good resources here.
Ok.. So lots has happend since I last posted. Looking for some feedback and guidance. Please understand while reading that I am being very open eyed and cautious as I proceed. Its all just so overwhelming!
I found out a week ago without a shadow of doubt that H's assumed EA (possibly already PA) had in fact turned into a PA when he moved out. She was not technically living with him but a lot of her stuff was in his apartment and she was pretty much always there. This revelation hit me like a ton of bricks! For the whole month before he had been giving touch n go's. Helping more with chores around the house, a little more engaging in conversation, took more interest in the girls and my tots activities. We spent all xmas day together. I didn't read too much into though but who wouldn't at least think it was some progress. All to find out he was shacking up with OW.
We are supposed to be moving 100+ miles this year. Originally before all this MLC nonsense we were planning on going after his school year (he's a teacher). But since the BD and him moving out there was no point in the girls and I staying since moving meant being closer to my sister and more help with my girls. H and I had a handful of conversations regarding the move but of course in typical MLCer fashion never had any input other then whatever I thought was best. But he never waviered on the fact that regardless of what I decided he too would be moving too at then end of the school year.
SOOO fast forward to last week when I found out about the OW. That night we had already had scheduled a time to talk after the girls went down, before he left about "the move"... I handed him a letter with all my thoughts and feelings and it was pretty raw and intense. It was honest but also loving and supportive. It was all the things I had not gotten to say to him since the BD 1 year ago. After he read it we talked a few hours, nothing too profound. Just a lot of him talking about how screwed up he is. I communicated to him that as long as he was with OW we could not be friends.
The next day I asked him straight out "are we going to be able to be friends AKA are you going to continue your relationship?" He said he didn't know what he wanted but yes he thinks he will be continuing some version of the relationship just not sure what that looked like at the moment. From that moment on I committed to going completely dim unless it had to do with scheduling or an emergency with the girls.
The next morning I texted my landlord and copied H to let my landlord know that we would be moving April and Id be giving my 30 day notice with March's rent. That night I got an email from H right before he was due at our house to watch the girls because I had a late night client, that said that all of a sudden he is seeing things clearer and he does not like the man he sees in the mirror or the man he has been. The good thing is that he is able to see this and that means he is able to start the healing process and become the man he knows he can be. He promises he will get it figured out and make it happen. (it was like a 3 paragraph email). I was floored. Since many months before BD I have not heard him speak with any depth or emotion to me. I saw the man I use to know in this email for the first time in almost 2 years. I did not reply that night.
The next morning I woke up to another email saying " I ended things with her. I realized need my daughters more then I need to breathe. I have made an obscene about of mistakes in my life but all of them combined do not add up to even 1% of what I have done to you and the girls. I responded that the I am glad to hear all this for his sake. That the girls love him so very much and we are all standing behind him even if it may not feel like that at times.
Since there has been several times where he has cried big tears and has been very emotional when at the house with us. He has been communicating via text daily. Mainly friendly stuff some deeper stuff of how he's feeling positive and hopeful to change and do the hard work. He even texted my sister (who is my best friend) and apologized to her for the mistakes he made and promised her "he would spend the rest of his life making up for his behaviors." To which my sister gracefully replied that she loved him and wanted to see him get better because she knows hes a good person. And said she was there to help us in any way.
Yesterday he texted me asking if "somewhere down the road we could work hard together or did he destroy all hope?" My response was that "There is hope. We both would have to work really hard but I think we could have the life we originally set out to create. We have plenty of time if nothing else, please just take all the time you need." I did draw a boundary and said "the only 2 things at this point that could change that is if you have contact with OW or lie any more." To which he responded "ok, I understand."
Sooooooooo I am doing my very best to have zero expectations and reading reading reading all I can on awakening, reconnecting, and OW withdrawal. Although I have hope I am well aware that there is sooooooooo much more of this journey left for both him and myself. I plan to continue with my plans to move in April and he will move to the area in June/July. At this point the plan would be for him to still get his own place while we continue to connect. According to what I am reading after the OW withdrawal happens (which is hard because he works with her ugh) he will then cross into depression. I am already seeing the exhaustion all the time and the sleeplessness hes reporting and tearfulness. He is no stranger to depression but this feels different.
I know that tomorrow it can all be different and he could be right back in replay but I choose to stay in the moment and do what I can today. Which is let him take the lead but continue to encourage him to move along in his journey by my subtle presence.
If you read this far thank you... Any feedback would be greatly appreciated as I feel like a lost puppy dog! lol
BBLove,
I'm glad you posted an update and making plans for your future. I'll be brief and succinct and I don't mean to be harsh. Actions speak louder than words. Keep expectations at zero and keep focusing on you and your girls.
Thank you! I understand. I am simply sitting back and watching for the actions to catch up to the words. I'm not going to lie its a battle everyday to remind myself to balance hope and reality of zero expectations!
Bb,
I'm sorry for sounding curt. Don't *wait* for your h's actions to show up. Live your life. Focus on you and your girls and make changes that make you the best BB. Just let it transpire (<<<<<I struggle big time with letting things develop).
I agree/w Georgia, actions speak far louder than words. He has a lot of work ahead of him to "win" you back. He needs to be transparent and do the necessary work to find out why he has felt the way he has for some time. You can't help him...he's got to find out the reason for his feelings before he can go any further in his proclamations of wanting to work things out w/you.
Keep your expectations at zero and I would still continue on w/my plans to move in April. If he truly wants to reconcile, he will find away to earn your trust and be there for you during this move. After all, the school year ends in June, which is two months after your move and he may need to think about moving closer to you, if he is still having clarity and wants to reconcile.
Time will tell whether the breakup w/the ow is done or if he went into panic mode because you advised the landlord that you are moving and moving forward w/your life. Sometimes, when the rug is pulled out from under them, they panic and say things to woo you back into the drama. Continue as you have been and no more relationship talks for a while. He has a lot of work to do and his focus has to be on himself and healing. You will need to keep your focus on you and your children for now.
Thank you both... I will do all this!!!! Starting now lol... I stupidly sent an email yesterday expressing my feeling of how I feel this is all a dream and that I'm so nervous because he works with ow (till end of school year). And reminded him that this doesn't all mean I expect him to be at the house everyday now. That he should continue to use the time to find what he wants and needs. Of course I'm glad I sent it because I wanted to get those thing off my chest but don't want to seem like I'm applying the pressure. So from here on I promised myself to continue to let go and move forward and just see what happens. Lord knows I have a TON and a half of things to do for the move! On with it BB!!! Thank you all for being a sounding board And putting me in check.
I know I need it!