Hi Everyone,
After reading through some of the posts on this forum I am more inclined to believe my husband is going through a MLC. My friends, family and Dr have said that’s what they think it is, I suppose I will never know for sure – perhaps I am just looking for an explanation as to what has just happened to us.
A short brief about him and what he has been up to – everything seemed normal, playing happy families, we were planning a trip across USA for our 25th wedding anniversary, he had just got a big promotion so we were about to move and our youngest son is about to leave home so we were looking forward to a second phase of life honeymoon period!
He turned to me one night and said “I can’t do this anymore” no negotiation, no real explanation; just that he was unhappy, felt suffocated and felt that there was more to life, he wanted to have freedom – freedom to choose. He said he has a fear of the ups and downs of life with me; that he could not continue to prop us both up?? Not sure what that means – I won’t say our marriage is perfect, or that I am perfect, far from it, but I don’t know anyone who is ….I am no Mary Poppins – but close ha ha!!
So he left, started his new position and is now like a kid in a candy store. He is never at home, does anything he wants, whenever he wants. 8 weeks after he left he dropped bomb 2; he had found someone new. I was completely devastated, and that is when I realized I could not cope with going through this alone and made the decision to return to the UK where my family are. OW has two younger children (he told me before he left this was not about finding someone new, he didn't want a relationship as that defeated the object of the exercise, and certainly would not want anyone with kids as he is past that stage now and doesn't want the ties. Now he has changed that to – I didn't know I would feel like this about anyone else, her kids aren't babies so that’s ok). After a couple of months, she told him she wants another baby in the future, he said he doesn't and that was it, end of relationship.
He contacted me and said he felt he had made a mistake with us, eventually I said I would see him, we spent an evening together (just dinner) and the next day he told me it was a mistake, he didn't feel he was in love with me anymore, he didn't feel anything physical, he just saw me as a best friend – loves and cares for me like he does his mum!! So rejection 2.
I broke down, was in a mess, he broke down and sounds more of a mess than me. He confessed he is getting in to debt living his new lifestyle but can’t stop and said that he knows something has changed inside him, that he has become selfish and life is all about him, but feels that the old him was a doormat and he hates that person more than the new person, he said he is really happy, it was the best decision he has made (harsh), this is who he is now and I need to accept that we are over and he doesn't want me anymore. He promised me no more dating or relationships until I left the country as I found that really hard to deal with and he said that he wants to make this as easy as possible for me.
Since then I have been told by our eldest that he is back with OW - she saw her counselor (long story – custody battle for kids – which makes me wonder what sort of women is she, as judges don’t consider giving custody to the dad unless there is an issue with the mum – anywhoo) she decided that having another baby was about having control of something in her life so she didn't need a baby after all. He is happy with that explanation (idiot ;o) ) and they are back together – despite promising me he wouldn't –
I have taken on board everyone’s advice and am doing NC, I have had complete NC now for 3 weeks and before that it was emails and some phone calls to sort out finances, talk kids etc. I do admit that during the early days/weeks I would contact him about all sorts, mainly when I heard what he was doing – it upset me.He was ringing me every week for a “chat” as he wants to remain friends but that has stopped since getting back with her. I have completed a college course since he left, started job hunting (I have been a stay at home mum and housewife for 21yrs) I have sold our house, paid all the debts off (turns out he has spent all our money over the years so we came out with just enough to cover our debts and keep me and youngest alive until I move and hopefully get a job), I have taken my name off anything that is connected to him, organised my move back to the uk, I leave just before Christmas. I have taken up exercising every day and am starting to make future decisions that don’t include him – I have taken up journaling – all day sometimes – and doing as many distraction things as possible – sewing, doodle pad coloring, exercising, talking to friends (who all live away from me)
It’s been 5 months since he left. Everyone tells me it gets better, but it doesn't. It seems to be that I have one step forwards, two steps back – like the powers upstairs say “hey, she is moving forwards, can’t have that, let’s throw some more at her”( the latest being that my youngest has been offered a scholarship for college here and has decided to stay – I am of course very proud of him, but on the flip side really sad to be leaving my baby behind as that was not the original plan - so now I am having a wobble about leaving) Every day is a new day – I get that – but that elusive positive day just does not arrive. I feel like I am living on a rollercoaster and its making me feel sick. I cycle through the stages round and round they go. I still have this stupid fantasy that he will stop me from leaving, or come and get me once I have gone; but I know it’s just a fantasy and reality is that he doesn’t want me anymore and I am not sure I want him back as the new version of him anyway.
My problem at the moment is that he does not leave my head – I don’t want him there, I am distracting myself as much as possible, but he is still there. The whole situation feels unreal, like I am living in a dream – or a nightmare!
It really winds me up that he gets to smush me and my life into the ground and he walks away smiling and getting to have this happy, shiney, exciting new life.
I know that one day I will have that too, but how is it right that he gets to have it all when he is the one who has caused all the pain ? I find myself hoping to hear of a failure, a disaster – just enough to cause him pain, the same pain he is causing me to feel – but it doesn’t happen, he just gets to have it all …… I know, its bitterness, it’s not a nice trait to have and certainly not me, I have become someone I don’t recognise at times.
So I suppose I am asking for help. Help to keep me moving forwards as I am losing steam. Any insights would be gratefully received – like will he regret this, am I giving up on my marriage, am I doing the right thing by leaving the country, any tips on keeping me moving forwards.
I have lost my sparkle and I want it back :o)
Thanks for taking time out in your day to read this x
Hi Lou.
Wow. It sure sounds like MLC to me. Pretty typical.
I don't have much to offer you except that it DOES get better. You said that it doesn't, but it does. It just takes A LOT of TIME.
Your husband's MLC will destroy you IF YOU LET IT. That is why it is so important to work on you and detach. You'll get sick of hearing detach before this is all said and done, but you must do it. It is the only way.
Anyways, welcome to the boards. There are many here who have stood in your shoes. I'm sure Cadet will be around shortly to give you some great reading material. Make sure you read it. Read it TWICE. It's very valuable stuff.
Tad
Hi LouR. I feel your pain. I really do. I know what it feels like to have everyone tell you that it will get better and you just can't seem to believe it. It does not seem possible. It seem like the only way for it to get better is to rewind and put things back the way they are supposed to be.
Well, I can tell you, for sure, this is going to be tough. It will be a long road. You will have really bad days (real optimistic, huh?!), but with that, it WILL get better. The thing is, you just have to keep moving.
Every time you have a moment of crying, screaming, anger, frustration, sadness... all that mess... that is you working through it. You are getting it out. And it is better to get it out than to keep it in. Journaling... that is great. I did a ton for the first... many, many months. Then I came here. I let it all out. It has helped tremendously. But, there has to be more. You have to live too.
I am so glad to hear that you are taking step to establish you independence. That is great.
I know there is a lot more in there that you want to share and need to get out. Go ahead and do it. We all understand. We have been through it and/or are going through it. This is a safe place. I am glad you came.
Keep reading, keep getting it out. Keep taking steps for you and your kids. You can do this. I can tell you are strong by the choices you have made so far. I understand how hurtful it is to be rejected. I totally get it. You will see that it really isn't about you at all.
Keep your head up!
You seem to doing all the right steps to stay strong. That is amazing.
This is so hard and choose to keep going and not to wallow in self pity is more then most people would do. Give yourself a big pat on the back.
Early on I was always writing gratitude lists even if they were just in my head. Thankful that I had healthy kids, thankful that I had family, thankful that I had money for food and shelter.
What he has done to you and your family is truly awful but don't let him drag you down with him. You have so much good stuff to live for and enjoy, its nice to hear about you enjoying yourself through crafts and exercise.
We are hear for you keep posting:)
I really feel for you. Honestly, we have all been there, and that is not to trivialise it, just to say we understand.
You have done what you can to protect yourself financially, but surely you are entitled to support from your husband? Do get this in place, as it may be easier before you leave the US. I wish I had acted sooner to protect myself financially.
The other two things - I had therapy, and I took anti-depressants for about 3 months, because I could not get my (now) xh out of my head. I am not a big fan of these, but they really really helped me over a rough patch.
It does get better, but it is a very long haul for most of us. We invested our lives in our marriage, only to discover that this other person was living a parallel existence.
Everything your husband is saying is script - although mine never wanted us to remain friends, many years on, says that he did want us to be friends!
Truly I do not think friendship is possible with a MLCer. There is no kindness and no empathy, no concern for anyone but themselves. Although we miss what we had, these can be toxic people.
It is very very sad. Eventually you will be fine, and from what I have seen here, these MLCers are not. Many years on my xh is still not happy, but the trail of devastation is a mile wide!
As for the OW - we tend to obsess about them, but generally they act like trailer trash. That is not to be dismissive of them as people, but the choices they make in life tend to be destructive, and self serving. But for a while at least your husband will not see the cracks.
Hi,
Thank you so much for your really kind words of encouragement. It is so humbling to know there are people out there - strangers to me - who are willing and happy to help me through this. You are all amazing.
I had a good talk with S18, he said to know that he does not feel that I am walking away from him, that he is choosing to stay without me and that it was his decision to change our plans. I really don't want him to feel like both of his parents have abandoned him - his dad does not contact him very often and S18 can't be bothered with his dad, plus he is not happy about what he has done. S21 feels the same, although he lives near his dad so he tends to see him a lot more. Neither of them like OW but of what she represents more than her as a person.
After a lot of thought today and a chat with a good neighbour, I have decided to treat my move as a trip instead, a chance to have some time out, catch up with friends and family and hopefully re set. I really don't want to live on the other side of the world from both my boys, they are my priority now. So as I am in the privileged situation of no ties or commitments I can come and go as I please. Just need to get a range of skills to make sure I can get work anywhere! Thinking Barista, bar work, waitress - any other suggestions?
I have been thinking about my goals. I started off making so many, so scraped the whole lot and decided to put only things down that are really important to me. I put my first one on my list yesterday. It may sound really silly to some - but its to have savings. To earn money and save some, even if its just a few $ each week. Its really important to me, as he just spent spent spent, on nothing. I have nothing to show for it, no fantastic memories - it was him spending on status things; private schools for the boys - we really did not have the money for it and we certainly not suited to that world, be he felt he was and I think he got a buzz from the status.
He wrote to me not long ago about his spending problem - his words were : I bought and sold cars like it was a game, I bought and sold houses like it was monopoly and I chased a career with no regard to you or the boys.
I had a large inheritance from my mother and have been mortified to find its all gone. I must have been living under a rock all this time - I feel so gullible and stupid for not seeing it.
Sometimes I get a glimpse of the old him - the guy I fell in love with. So I know he is in there somewhere. Maybe one day he will return to the land of sanity, I hope for his sake he does soon, as he is doing so much damage to his life - and from reading past posts from people who have gone through it, it sounds terrible. I do still hope that he does get some pain in his life as it really does not feel fair that he gets to "have it all".
I know its all about me now. Regaining control over my own emotions and thoughts. I put my hand up and declare that i suffer from Doormat Syndrome (they have a syndrome for everything else so I presume there is a doormat one lol.) I would do anything for anyone, I am useless at saying NO.
At the end of the day, the man I never imagined would hurt me ever has done the unimaginable. It gonna hurt ....and it does ....big time.
Again, thanks to you all. I really appreciate you all pushing me forwards. I love reading all the posts from start to finish, all the updates on lives and how they have changed. Keeps me optimistic that I will survive this and come out smiling once again.
I saw a saying today - Everyone likes happiness, no one likes pain, but how can you make a rainbow, without a little rain.
beatrice - thank you so much for your post.
Finances - he agreed to give me all the proceeds from the house (which I have already hidden in a savings account), child support until Dec and has kept me and s18 housed, fed and bills pd until I leave in Dec. To be honest he has no money, he is in big debt already, taken out a loan for ....a car ... and I have just discovered he stopped his pensions years ago so has no retirement plan now. I have talked to a solicitor and my dad (who is really clued up on anything financial) about spouse support and after weighing up all the pros and cons I have decided to keep the money he has given me and walk away. I just want it over, not dragged through courts, not risk him not paying me, quitting his job, filing for bankruptcy or various other things he can do to get out of paying me. To accept support from him means I am tied to him. I would rather walk away. I can do this on my own. I don't need him - By not accepting his help, I will have done this on my own.
I live in NZ so not sure the same laws apply as US.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and
we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version,
sorry for the confusion.I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956Reccomended Reading thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893 The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619MLC for Dummies
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1Great one liners
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543TMAK Reconnection
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2485011Snippits from the Anne Sheffield depression site
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=851708#Post851708Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869Odds and Ends from Delboy
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488315#Post2488315The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Thank you Cadet - That's my weekend distractions taken care of !!
I have started wading through them and have learnt a lot. So much of it makes sense and its like looking at pages from my journals. I especially like reading from those who have been through a MLC - from their point of view and experience - its still hard to have empathy for my H but I am starting to get a better understanding of what he is going through himself.
One person said - if you think your MLC'er is happy, your wrong. That is hard to imagine when he tells me he is happy, the happiest he has ever been. He appears to be happy when he is out enjoying all the things he has always wanted to do, having the life he has always wanted to have and being with someone who makes him feel all gooey inside. How on earth is that him being unhappy, whether it is false or not, he is still having those moments of joy and happiness while I am left to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of what has just happened to my marriage and husband. Sorry - just winds me up thinking about it.
The description of what the OW tends to be like is so true in my case, she is damaged and insecure herself - a doormat, someone he can control. I don't know if she is a "keeper" or not for him. Only time will tell.
As for me at the moment - I would like some advise if possible.
I have not had any contact with him for 3 weeks, he knows I am leaving the country and at the time our s18 was coming with me. I leave in 4 weeks time, he is under the impression its a permanent move and I am only coming back Feb 2016 to see my S21 and for a wedding.
But as things have changed and S18 is now staying I have decided to return to NZ earlier to most likely live for a while - I think just need time out and space.
So my questions are :
Do I contact him before I go to say goodbye?
If yes, what do I say.
Do I tell him I am back when I return?
Do you think me leaving will have an affect on him - what should I expect and how do I deal with it.
I don't want to do or say something that will cause problems or stress for me or him. I want him to feel safe coming to me when he needs it, but I also need to protect myself from more hurt. This MLC thing is a minefield !!
I do hope that one day our paths may cross again, but for now I know I need to stand back and allow him to work though his own journey and I need to keep moving forward on mine.
Sorry I don't use abbreviations - I have just copied them all so will start to learn them - more homework :o) xx
You have 4 weeks before your departure and anything can happen in those 4 weeks. For now, I wouldn't worry about contacting him, i.e., wait and see what happens and if you really feel the need to say goodbye, then do so the morning you leave.
At this time, I wouldn't tell him what your plans are to return. Has he been open w/you about his comings and goings? Your leaving most likely will not have any affect on him right now because he's in the selfish "me, me, me" mode.
Your paths will cross again and again because of your children. However, it's going to take some time for him to settle down into his little fantasy world. As for him being happy, he may appear to be happy right now because his new found freedom is light a shiny new toy and once the shine wears off and the newness of his situation becomes a routine, things will change. Many of them will appear to be happy around you and you can take this one to the bank...they won't tell you they made a mistake or they are unhappy. If you are one of the lucky ones, at the end of his journey, when he wakes up, he may share w/you about his feelings and admit that he wasn't happy...but that's a long way down the path.
For now, focus on you, your trip and your S18. Leave the man/child twirling in the wind.
Hi, Lou. First, I'm sorry you're here. You sound like you're doing well, all things considered.
I'll be glad to offer my .02 regarding your questions.
So my questions are :
Do I contact him before I go to say goodbye?
If telling H to say goodbye is attached to any expectation from him, sort through that first. Going in with any expectations above zero, will be a set up for disappointment.
Now, if you FEEL it should be communicated because that's what YOU want to do, regardless of how he responds, I would consider it.
Don't do anything solely for his benefit right now.
I have found that shorter, factual, non-emotional words are best. Just state the logistics. Anything else will possibly be seen as pursuing, or R talk.
Do I tell him I am back when I return?
IMO, see how you feel at that point. Keeping expectations set at zero. Much can happen between now and then. One step at a time.
Do you think me leaving will have an affect on him - what should I expect and how do I deal with it.
It could. If it is MLC, then expect the unexpected. The craziest things can be said. Things turn from sweet to crazy venom spew in seconds.
Lou, I see you trying to plan, prepare, figure this out, learn what to say, when to say it. It's all very normal. We all do this when we find our lives have flipped upside down.
The thing is, there is no way to know how your H will respond.
The best thing for you right now, is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep the focus on you. Not on his reactions. You'll drive yourself crazy. And I know, because I did it for a long, long time. A few of my good friends here can attest to that.
I don't want to do or say something that will cause problems or stress for me or him. I want him to feel safe coming to me when he needs it, but I also need to protect myself from more hurt. This MLC thing is a minefield !!
:o) xx
Oh, yeah. The minefield.
Here's the thing. There isn't really one single thing or comment that will be a game-changer in this entire process. You will find yourself saying some things that have a positive impact. Other things you'll decide you won't say again. It will be different for you than anyone else here.
For me, I found that validating H emotions was huge. I didn't necessarily agree with his choices. I validated how he felt.
Other stuff....Judgmental comments can often make them run. Relationship talks are not good. Have you read Sandi's 37 rules? I think it's in newcomers....
This is going to be a long road. Not an easy one.
This journey your H has to take, is also an opportunity for your own journey. You'll learn so much about yourself if you do the work. You won't regret it.
I think it's great that your going on this trip, Lou. It truly is the hardest thing to get out of their way, to allow them to walk on their own. I'm still working on that, myself.
(((((Hugs)))))
Hi LouR,
Just wanted to chime in with some 'advice' as requested by you - but, please, keep in mind that I am in no position to be taken seriously... I am 3-and-a-half years since BD, now D-ed, and with no sign of XH being anything other than increasingly nasty and punitive.
So, that being said!, here's the benefit of my experience:
Nothing that you do or say will have much effect on your H. Other than that if you continue to try for R talk and contact with him, he will pull away even further.
In my case, XH is a controller and so is always telling me what I should do - in relation to finances and kids - so when I don't do what he says, I can be pretty certain that some sort of retaliation will follow.
You seem to know already what you need to do:
"I know I need to stand back and allow him to work though his own journey and I need to keep moving forward on mine."
This sounds like the best plan. As others have said, do what feels right for you and your boys.
You cannot expect anything from this man. Remember: he was the one you thought you could depend on for ever. He is not that man any more and, in this sense, you don't know him at all, and hence cannot have any expectations.
I really connected with your story - I heard exactly the same words at BD: "I can't do this anymore. I want my freedom".
And then he went off like a kid in a candy store, spending wildly and living it up with OW, completely without care for what our kids (12 and 15 at the time) thought or felt.
Nothing much has changed for him after 3 years....He still appears to have it all and we continue to feel the unfairness.
But we also feel better off without him in so many ways, and we have learnt to be better people.
I am in Aus and felt a kind of connectedness to see that you're living in NZ.
Try to enjoy your trip back to the UK - the idea of returning to be close to your sons sounds like a good idea to me - even big kids need their mum! In any case, you can go with the flow now that you're not so tied down and have the opportunity to try out so many new things.
Best, NLW.
I have been reading through threads and am starting to see that my H's crisis started a long time ago - in fact i would say 4 years ago - when he hit 40.
He went through a period over 2 years which was similar to what he is doing now - he didn't leave me or our home though, he struck up a online relationship with women on a swingers website, stated talking about sex fantasies (which I refused to allow play out), he was secretive, manipulative, controlling, self-centered and selfish. He put me down and belittled me, then he persuaded me that it was me who had a problem and I should seek help.
After 2 yrs he changed job ..again .. and he started to feel good about himself again - he said it was like he had been living in a fog and it had lifted - he was mortified how he had treated me, said he couldn't remember some of it, and then he went into damage control with us as by that time I was all but ready to leave him. He said he felt that he had taken on too much - changing job & studying for a degree etc and that it all must have got on top of him, but he was fine now.
Fast forward 18 months later - everything seemed fine, we were happy again, everything was coming together, big promotion, last S leaving home, making plans for our future and then he chucked bomb1 at me.
And here we are again - but this time he has left me, no longer 'in love with me or physically attracted to me", replaced me with OW within 8 weeks of leaving (24yrs years and I can be replaced that quick = hurt and pain ) as mentioned in my first post, he is out there sucking in life with all his might.
So it seems that this maybe round 2 for me. Does this happen often, is he still in crisis or did he come out of crisis a couple of years ago and this is a separate issue -he said he has changed, that it changed him - so maybe this is just a normal sad ending to my marriage? I don't know now.
As everyone has pointed out, this now has to be about me and that is where my focus tries very hard to be. Everything I do, the decisions I now make, none of them include him. I know my marriage is over, he doesn't want it anymore and it doesn't matter what I want, he has made his decision and it was his to make.
I read yesterday that we are like two trees standing side by side that have grown together, our roots and branches have entwined and trying to untangle us without doing damage to our branches and roots takes time, if done too quickly is risks permanent damage. I like that - I understand that. This is going to take time for me, I must allow myself to feel how I feel when I feel it, know its ok. One day I will be untangled and my branches will be swaying in the wind free again. My roots - I feel will always be tangled with his, he was a huge part of of life - I spent over half of it with him by my side, he leaves a void and emptiness inside me that only he can fill. I still love him as deeply as ever, what he is doing to me and my boys is painful, sad, confusing and shocking but by what I have read it sounds like he is lost. I just hope that one day he finds the happiness he is looking for.
I would venture to say that your h never left his crisis. He may have been simmering for a while and it picked up where he left off in full throttle. Sounds like he had a lot on his plate and it blew his fuse, so to speak. It appears that the promotion and your son leaving home may have jump started him once again.
Sometimes this happens whereby they start the crisis and then continue on in a slow simmer until something else tips the scales. There are times when something or someone will snatch them back into reality when they've entered the crisis and they appear to be back to normal. When this happens, the mlcer will eventually go back into crisis and the second time around it will be worse. Not saying that you or something snatched him back, but there have been cases such as this.
You've got a good handle on what you need to do. Remember...you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him. Keep your expectations very low or even at zero. Keep the focus on you and your family. Above all else, take care of yourself. It's not you, but him that is very lost right now. Dig deep for patience, understanding and compassion for him because it will be a very painful journey for him because he's running from everything right now. You, on the other hand, are facing everything up front and center. Your healing will be far quicker than his because of this.
Job - thank you so much for your words.
They mean so much to me - today I am struggling. My heart and head are in conflict and I feel like I am in a washing machine of turmoil - that's stuck on spin cycle!
This morning I received a call from my S18 college to say his scholarship application has been granted - I am so proud of him and happy he has found something he is passionate about but it means that he won't be coming with me now - I will be leaving my baby very soon.
I now feel like I have lost everything - my husband, best friend, marriage, role in life (was a housewife and full time mum for 21yrs), my home, my money and now my children are grown up and my role in their lives is changing. So many changes all in a few months. With me moving soon, it all gets a bit overwhelming sometimes.
Don't mind me, I will be ok - its just one of those days !!!!! Its just good to get it out instead of keeping it bottled up. I worry my friends here are thinking I am becoming a broken record, so I don't want to push to the limits of friendship. I do have many angels in my life, I have met so many wonderful people along my journey already, people who would never have come on my path if I had not been going through this. So thank you to you all.
xxx
LouR,
Come here to vent, chat or share your day. The board is always "open" and will not turn members away just because they are having down days or feeling a bit blue.
Congratulations go to your S18. At least the scholarship will help out w/expenses and it's such an honor to receive one. You babies are leaving the nest and you are leaving everything familiar and dear to you, but I promise you, life is waiting for you w/open arms because there is so much to learn, experience and enjoy out there. It will take some time for you to find your footing, but you'll get there.
As for your children, you have all of the electronic means to communicate w/them, as well as trips to and from and just think, visits w/him will be meaningful and boy, will he miss his mom being near him. He will have a greater appreciation for all you've done for him.
You've had a lot going on the last few months, but once you are settled, you'll be so busy that you won't have time to spend on wondering about your h.
You are going to be just fine. Be kind and patient w/yourself. Again, the board is always open. Someone is here generally 24/7 and no one is turned away.
Lou,
I'm just catching up and you've received advice from some of the best. You are doing amazingly well and congrats to your s on the scholarship! That is fan-freaking-tastic!!!!!
There is no other way to say it than this while sitch sukks. I'm so terribly sorry you find yourself here. I remember when I first joined I though my sitch was "unique" and these peeps here "just didn't know my h." Wrong! This crazy script for MLC isn't Oscar worthy but rather strait jacket/ padded room worthy in my very humble opinion.
I know it's difficult feeling like you've lost so much. You sound like an intelligent, funny, compassionate woman and those are remarkable qualities. Leave your h to his journey. It's really his deal. We all have changes we could make so any changes you should make need to be for you. Try to be the best Lou you can be and please know that it's okay to vent here. Cry. Laugh. You will get through this.
And always try to take the high road. It can be extremely difficult (waiving arms, kicking legs up in the air and jumping up and down over here). It's not to be perceived a certain way-rather to be the person you want to be.
Hang in there!!
Thanks so much GB - appreciated muchly.
I know that I am only at the beginning - which is kinda a depressing thought - but I am so grateful that I have stumbled on this site and all of you wonderful understanding people - its gonna make my journey a little less daunting knowing I have company to hold my hand along the way.
Had a meltdown this morning - but feeling a lot better - like a geyser letting off steam.
Been trying to get the last of my things packed, removals come next week - not taking much back with me, my life fits into 14 boxes ..... got rid of anything that was "ours" and starting afresh .... but currently thinking of travelling for a bit before I settle down .....because I can :o) x
S18 has officially cancelled his flight to the UK :o( Ah well - big changes for both of us. He has promised to try and have a skype date once a week with me.
Bit sad, but so very pleased for him - he is so excited about his new adventure.
He hasn't told his dad yet, he didn't get a very positive reaction when he told him he was thinking of staying in NZ and applying for college. I think H feels he will have to have responsibility for him - they have not had much contact since he left.
Its his turn to step up.
I'm a bit confused (which is a normal state for me at the moment lol)- I have read a few threads today, just to see others stories and their journeys. There seems to be a lot of references to their ex/h/w MlC'er being angry, nasty and aiming it all at them one minute and nice, apologetic the next - Jekyll/Hyde types. Plus a lot of communication -texts, emails, calls etc.
Are there different kinds of MLC ?
As my H is not like that at all. He has not got angry at me - quite the opposite. Says he is sorry for not being the man I married and the man I deserve. Said that I should be as angry towards him I as feel necessary as I didn't ask for this and if I can come out of this not hating him he will be humbled by that.
He said he feels guilt and selfish and he hates himself, it eats away at him. He said it comes in waves, then passes.
But then - he is off out, living life to the max and does what ever he wants, whenever he wants at what ever cost - emotionally, physically and financially. He is back with OW and her kids playing happy families.
We have not had any contact for the past 4 weeks, which is a new thing for him - (i know; expect zero.) This does not sound like a man in turmoil to me.
I am starting to think that I am being gullible; is he just playing me with the sympathy card? I have told him that I don't hate him, that I don't like him sometimes, but definitely not hate him. I also told him that I will always be there for him if he needs me - but know that he won't take me up on that as he has OW there for him now.
I have done and said to him all I can. I have allowed him knowledge that my door is open to talk so its up to him whether he uses it now.
I am going away this weekend with a girlfriend, we are going on a road and train trip. Then next weekend I am seeing my best girlfriends for a few days of madness - I belong to the Sisterhood of the Travelling Egg - can't explain that one really - 4 women, lots of alcohol and very silly imaginations - needless to say, 1 very eggstra crazy idea and its stuck. Then its on the countdown until my big move/trip
So I am GAL - but still miss him, still have waves of sadness and tears most days, still can't get him to leave my head. Ever hopeful that one day I may get that call - the one we all hope for.
Not all MLCers fit one size. Some can be as nice as can be and apologize all of the time and yet be out of the house and there are others who simmer and spew often and then you have the very nasty ones. Not all of them turn out to be Jekyll/Hyde and not all of them communicate w/their spouses and children.
Each MLCer will handle his/her crasis based on their personalities, life events and their childhoods/issues.
As for your h currently being nice, have you rocked his boat at all? Generally, some of them will begin to get angry and nasty when the spouse doesn't agree w/them on how to split out the finances, assets, etc. Also, if the spouse tries to tell them what to do or wants to talk about he relationship. I gather from your postings that this may not have been the case in your situation. When you just go along w/everything they say and want, they can be just a nice as can be.
Try not to assume what you h is doing or how he's feeling. He's got a lot of emotional baggage to sort out and the crisis is driven by depression and emotions. Some can become very good at hiding what's going on internally from others, i.e., mask wearing.
Go, have a great time, and leave your MLC issue at home. Eventually you will not think of him as much, but it takes time and lots of patience.
Job has given you wise words and good advice.
Depression is the key to most MLC's and it can come in many different forms.
That is why I suggested you read up on it.
How you and your MLC'er react to it are parts of the puzzle.
Your MLC'er will go back in time to childhood to try to look at
what is causing their crisis.
This can take many years to happen so don't hold your breath looking for signs of it.
The best advice is to take your focus off of them and put it squarely on yourself.
YOU are the only one that can control YOU.
Their is tons to learn and most of it might not make sense at first.
My only advice is to keep at it because without knowledge you have NO power.
Really everything you need is in the first post that I made,
but for some reason it is hard to accept.
Keep asking questions because the only bad one is the one you
do not ask.
Thanks Job and Cadet
I am sorry, you must feel like your bashing your head against a wall sometimes!! I know - my focus should be on me and not what is going on with him. It was just such a shock thing to do, totally out of character for him and to leave without any desire to try and mend us really hurts. Understanding more about what and why helps me see why he did not want to mend us - we were not broken - he is...
I suppose I am asking what we all are - where did my loved one go ...
I do know its over, that he does not want us anymore, its hard to adjust to being alone - I have not experienced this for over 25yrs, so its proving to be a huge challenge. But like with all challenges, perseverance is the key, giving up is not an option is it ....
Thanks for your continued support.
You know, Lou - it's gonna be a challenge.
BUT - I suspect, whatever happens, you're going to be ok in the end.
Your H might come back - ESPECIALLY if he sees you moving on and moving away, it makes him face the consequences of his actions a lot sooner than if you stayed there mooning away in the background, waiting as his Plan B in case things don't work out with OW.
But if he doesn't - you might get a little further from the situation and realize maybe he wasn't as good a spouse for you as you think. After all, this is a guy who after 25 years together, had managed to accumulate NO ASSETS, apparently kept you in the dark about the true financial situation, he really failed as a husband in that arena. You might eventually come to realize he was failing you in other areas as well.
I was married for 24 years, I loved my husband and fought very hard to preserve my marriage. But now that I've been divorced for several years, I see him - and the marriage - in a different light. I spent all those years walking on eggshells, trying to keep him happy but knowing I couldn't really count on him when the chips are down. He was critical and a perfectionist and somewhat selfish - and possibly cheated on me much more than I thought at the time of the divorce (funny little past incidents now look more suspicious than they did at the time...).
My new guy? Treats me like gold, is super-supportive, even when he's struggling with some issue of his own always makes the effort to give me a shoulder to cry on and some sage advice about my own family and business struggles. It makes me realize how much of this I NEVER got from my ex.
And although I make much less money than my Ex does, having complete control over my budget allows me to arrange things in such a way that I have financial peace.
Focus on building an exciting new life for YOU - your H will either be wondering whop this exciting new woman is and come after you, or you will find new, better love to fill your life. Either way, you win!
Try new things. Aspire to something you never thought you could do (I learned to play the drums in my 50's and now play for a pop-punk cover band
). Living well is the best revenge.
Hi Kml
Thank you.
Either way, I win. - I like that
Understanding more about what and why helps me see why he did not want to mend us - we were not broken - he is...
YUP - exactly however what you may find out is that you are not blameless, but not for the things that you may think of right this minute, other things that you find out with more knowledge.
I suppose I am asking what we all are - where did my loved one go ...
Job likes to tell people that they have been abducted by aliens and are orbiting the earth on a spaceship.
I kind of like that story!
Please know, that we aren't bashing our heads up against the wall. You are very new to this type of situation and it's going to take you some time to understand that you can't fix him or his crisis. There are no guarantees when it comes to a person in crisis. However, I will tell you this...if and when he wakes up and he comes to you and wants to reconcile...YOU will be the one to determine whether you want to try to reconcile. YOU will be the one that will determine when you can trust him again and if you still want to continue on your own journey w/or w/o him. However, that's a long ways off and until that time, continue focusing on you and your family, the packing, etc.
Please do not try to rush your process as you are grieving and it does take time to work through the stages of grief. Continue to post.
Hi Cadet - I do know my part in this - I think we ended up enabling each other. I tolerated crap behavior from him because I had become needy, lonely and insecure - fed by him - fed by my own demon (a dominant mother in my childhood - eg. of her handy work was - at aged 13yrs she told me "your not clever and your not pretty, what the heck are we going to do with you" nice!- so you get the picture - a handsome young guy takes interest and the promise to take me away from her - yipeeeeeeeee ....hmmmmmm) Anywhoo, I have dealt with it,forgave and let it go, feel free, actually feel love for her - and sadness as she died 14yrs ago and could really do with her now.
I have dealt with my big demon - sadly not in time for him and I am not sure it would have had any affect on the outcome anyway as he has to deal with his demons. I am working on the knock-on effect it had on me. Insecurity,confidence and learning how to use the word NO being the biggest ones. Baby steps
When we met up in October for his reconcile thought, he mentioned how much I have changed already. Pretty much the more I grow the bigger change. Baby steps
I don't think he ever imagined that I would ever be brave enough to get on a plane and move to the other side of the world, to sort out all my legal stuff (he has done nothing, I am still his next of kin and have POA for him!!), and get the whole move organised military style - not that I was useless, far from it, I just relied on him to validate what I did. The longer we are apart and the more I have to do for myself, the stronger and more confident I become - I know I
can do this without him.
I realise now that I WANT him but I don't NEED him. That's a huge step forwards for me.
When he first heard i was leaving our S18 was coming with me, now he isn't my H has no spys in the camp, he will have no idea what I am up to what I am doing. It will either not bother him a bit or it will drive him crazy with wonder, either way, I intend to enjoy learning about myself, I have no idea what I want to do or what I like doing, so am open to all experiences (within reason ha ha).
I know I am still grieving - I have been in this stage before - all empowered. So I am aware that tomorrow it could change and I will be back to tears and in a mess. But today, I enjoy feeling like this and hope it lasts for a few more days and that I will revisit it soon when it does leave me.
Just come back from my trip – had a lovely time and it was great to spend time with my friend before I leave.
Unfortunately it was slightly marred by H popping into my head at the end of the first day and he never really left it. It was my first proper trip away since BD and we would normally text in the evening to tell about our day, then when I got home I had no one to share my adventure with which I found really hard.
I really wanted to contact him but I did not give in to temptation, I know that I would come out worse off if I did – rejected and upset – so I resisted. I have had the desire to speak to him for the past few days, but I have remained resolute and strong. I had hoped that after a few weeks I would no longer have the need to hear his voice :o( It was easier at the beginning and getting harder as time goes on – I thought it was supposed to be the other way around !!
My S17 rang H tonight to tell him about being accepted onto his course and getting the scholarship. H didn't ask to talk to me – asked S if I was in the room (s was prepped to say I was having a bath; I wasn't) and then asked how I felt about him (s) staying in NZ, was I ok about it.
I was sad that H didn't want to talk to me (I know I am doing the NC thing, but that’s not the point!), he is not wanting contact with me anymore which is fairly new. It’s been a month since his last email. I have not verbally spoken to him for 6 weeks. He didn't pick up when S rang him, but he rang back within a minute – it would have come up as Home Phone on his mobile, so I was surprised he rang back so quickly as he didn't know which one of us was ringing him – I am trying not to read anything in to that, but surely he must have been prepared for it to be me ………
This weekend I miss him. I miss us and I miss my old life – it felt safe. I am floundering around, no clue how to be me and who I actually am, no idea what I am going to do and how I going to live; financially, physically and mentally, without him supporting me as the old him did.
Cadet quoted Job saying that a MLC’er has been abducted by aliens and are orbiting earth on a spaceship – I feel like I am on an alien planet, clueless on how I got there, how am I going to get off it and what the heck am I going to do to survive !
Friends tell me I am doing really well, that I come across as focused, capable, confident and brave – I don’t see it, but if that is the case, it is all a front. Inside I feel a mess, like I am going insane sometimes, I am hurting, sad and lonely, I am scared and live in fear of my unknown future.
I can’t believe I will ever get over him, and this. I feel overwhelmed and out of my depth. This is a struggle. Every day is a struggle to keep moving forwards when I really just want to curl up in bed and not move. Every day it’s a struggle to keep distracted enough to remove him from my head, everything I do seems to have him there. Every day I make myself say positive things, think about goals, and make decisions which don’t include him. And every day it gets harder. I keep being told to Keep Going, that it will happen, that positive happy day will come – but keeping the faith is a challenge at the moment.
Today I feel like I want to put my ring back on. After all I am still his wife – even though he decided otherwise; I have no intentions of having anyone else in my life so I question why I took it off – maybe to feel like I had some control over something – only I could decide to remove it. I miss it being there and feel that by taking it off I have given up on my R.
3 days of bottled up emotions = explosion. New experiences have triggered off a response – just not the one I thought I would have.
Sorry for the negativity – I am sure it will pass soon. Thanks for listening :o)
I feel like I am on an alien planet, clueless on how I got there, how am I going to get off it and what the heck am I going to do to survive !
Here is the good news.
You can control what planet YOU are on,
how YOU are going to survive and thrive.
And how YOU move forward from here.
It will be one step at a time,
but DB'ing is all about saving yourself.
So what things can you change to make it better for YOU?
Get a list together of things YOU can CONTROL.
Yes - you will fake it until you make it but
trust me it will happen.
Thanks Cadet.
I think the enormity of what I am about to do has just hit me. I about to leave the freakin' country - my children and my H; what the heck am I thinking! Stress levels are starting to rise and I am trying really hard to remain strong and ride past these wobbles and doubts that I am now experiencing.
Today its worse as I am feeling - He is really going to let me go, he is going to let me leave the country.
When I made the decision it was about me being in control over something in my life - a reaction to what he was doing; a big reaction to him replacing me so quickly. I felt I couldn't go through this on my own, that I needed help and support to help me heal, reset and refocus. I was in a total panic.
I was so sure it was what I wanted to do and that my reasons were solid. But then after he had a yo-yo moment in October I started a stupid fantasy in my head that he would stop me, he wouldn't let me go as he had shown me that even when he was with her he had had thoughts of me and us -
In reality it was just doubts in his head that he was doing the right thing and once he saw me and realized he still had no feelings -LYBNILWY - he knew he had made the right choice to leave and is now getting on with his life - back to her, back to living it to the fullest.
But here I am, my belongings are being picked up on Wednesday and I am a couple weeks from leaving myself - total silence from him, he is really going to let me go. He has no desire to stop me.
It hit me yesterday that this was really it - he has closed the door on us. Obviously denial has been quietly simmering in the background and now I am going through the pain and panic of realization of the reality .....again ...... washing machine on spin cycle ahhhhhhhh
It has not helped that S17 is now staying and my family have gone in to overdrive back in the UK, its all way too much. It going to be hard enough facing everyone as it is, all the questions, the sympathetic looks and talks - its going to be reliving it over and over again. Plus I have all the memories of us there, its where we met, its where we got married.
OMG what was I thinking, this is sounding more and more like the most stupid idea I have had since he left
Don't mind me. Just needed to tell someone what was going on in my head. Get it out.
So many changes in a short space of time, so its understandable that I feel like I am caught in a tornado some days. Currently feeling down, but I keep going, I have no choice, life stops for no one.
You are going to be fine. You are having last minute jitters and the fear of the unknown is eating at you. Breathe! Once you are back in the UK, give yourself time to grieve. Right now you are operating on automatic pilot and w/the holidays coming, well, it's going to be a lot of running here and there and everywhere. If you can tolerate your family being around you a lot this holiday season, by all means allow them to be there for you.
As for your h coming to rescue you and tell you stay, he's in MLC and it's going to take a while before he realizes that you've actually moved and wont' be returning. Your son can call you or even come to visit and vice versa w/you.
Please try not look at this as a crazy idea or your part because truly it's not. You are returning to the family fold, so to speak, where you will have plenty of support. I look at this as a new page, new chapter in your book of life. Get ready to open the book to Chapter one and start filling up the pages w/new adventures and experiences. You just never know what the man upstairs has in the way of good things coming your way.
It's going to be okay! Breathe!
edit: Third paragraph, first sentence to read:
"Please try not to look at this as a crazy idea on your part because truly it's not."
Lou,
I get how you feel, I truly do, like only someone who has felt the same way can! We all have had these moments....every one of us! You can and you will get past this. You must for your your sake and you S's sakes. I know it hurts and I won't lie and say it won't. But the hurt will lessen over time. The trick is to keep going through the pain. We are all dealing with the consequences of other peoples selfish actions. What makes it worse is it is the person who we trusted and loved most whose actions have caused this. That is a lot to deal with, I know all too well. Just keep going and feel the emotions but let them go. Each day you will become just a little bit stronger as long as you keep moving forward. You can go away on your own. You can deal with everyone in the UK and you may find once you are there that they can be helpful and supportive. It's the thinking what may happen that is worse than what you will find once you are there.
This too shall pass, Lou. You can and will make it in the end!
Thanks job & Matt for the pep talk.
I know I need to do this as its me doing something for me and it doesn't matter what comes next; as I have discovered over the past 6 months, things evolve and change daily, so I need to learn to let go and go with the flow - easier said than done most of the time !!
I am pleased I did not give in to contacting him, I feels good to have stayed resolute as I know I would have regretted it.
I feel 6 months feeling like this is a long time, but i am told otherwise and that I have a long ways to go yet....... great!
Back to the packing -
Got an email from H today. Heart pounding as I opened it as I never am sure what I am about to find.
Anyway, it was ok. S17 had contacted him about the course and he just wanted to tell me that he does not think its a good idea and feels S should come to UK to see what there offers.
He also wanted to discuss S x2 birthdays next yr as I wont be here and they are big ones.
I have replied, kept it to the point - said I was proud of S17 for getting off his butt and making something happen for himself and that if things don't work out then coming to me is still an option for him. (I did not mention I am thinking of coming back to NZ)
I signed off by saying it was nice to hear from him and hope all is good in his world.
Trying to keep expectations at zero - but first contact in a month - feeling a little unsettled by it ... he still has that affect on me, even with a boring email !
LouR,
Psst! He's going to have that affect on you for quite some time. Why? Because you don't have a clue what to expect from him. It's okay...that normal for us!
If your S17 is content to stay in NZ and attend classes there, then so be it. At least you've left the door open for him if things don't work out. Your son knows you are there for him no matter what. BTW, I wouldn't tell him that you may return to NZ at a later date.
I think your response to your H was nice as well as pleasant.
Continue moving forward. How's the packing coming along?
Hi job
Got a reply from him - just being a bit more ok with S decision to stay after he read what I said about it.
Also told me his work is busy, the crazy season is in full flow !!
I am not reading anything in to the contact or the content - he asked no questions for me to reply to so that's it until the next time.
Did feel a little skip when on both emails as he put an x after his name, which he hasn't done since he left - but yes I know - zero expectations - he most likely temporarily forgot who he was talking to.
At least I know communication is not completely dead.
Packing - hmmm, thought that was under control - ie done. But now s is not coming I have a couple of empty boxes - just wondering what I can stuff in them and can I get away with it not being on my customs forms ....... Yeah, why not, what is the worst that could happen lol.
Just had a Miranda moment - the image of my innocent boxes of crap being surrounded by a SWAT team at the port - made me smile
(Do you get Miranda in the US?)
Well packing is done, all ready for tomorrows pick up.
Found a box of his stuff so s is going to take it to him when he goes to stay for xmas. Also found his original wedding ring and dog tags in my jewellery box - decided to send them down too, they are his so he should decide what happens to them.
Was really sad yesterday, I had hoped that him opening communication would be the start of him telling me he does not want me to leave, but hey ho, not to be, back to silence. I know it was a silly hope, but the heart and head wrangle is still in full flow and I suppose the heart has been ruling for the last few days.
It all seems so surreal at the moment, I have moments of complete panic about what I am doing and where all this is heading, and then moments of "yeah, this is right for me, I need to do this, prove to myself i can do this". Take that brave pill and get on the plane.
Got email from FIL yesterday, they are driving me a bit nutty - they feel I am being melodramatic and should be over this by now, H is getting on with his life and moving on, so should I and this is just "one of those things". Also - they have been talking and have decided to come and meet me at the airport .....NO FREAKIN WAY ....
So wrote back saying - thank you for the kind offer to meet me at the airport, but i have already made other arrangements so on this occasion I am respectfully declining. - way too nice compared to what I actually want to say ....which is along the line of
please leave me alone but in stronger language that a lady should not utter
Lou,
Travel safely and tomorrow is a new day. It's going to be a whirlwind for you for a bit, but once you get there and are settled in, you'll be able to relax just a bit. I know this isn't what you thought you would be doing at this time in your life, but the man upstairs has a different plan for you and for all of the left behind spouses. We don't know what it is yet, but when he's ready, he'll reveal all to us.
BTW, I think you did the right thing in advising your FIL about the pick up at the airport You don't need to hear their version of what they think you should be doing.
Take care.
Well that's it, my belongings are on their way, no turning back now. 3 weeks today I am on the plane
Feeling a little sad, but ok. I know it is the best thing for me to do, just some time out from all of this -
I don't know where this is all going, I still would like it to be a happy ending for h and me, but I am focusing more on me and what I want now which is a leap forwards.
Maybe this is what we
both needed - time out; we got together young, had kids young and never really experienced being individuals. I still hope that this is what it is for him and he will realize that what he is looking for is what was in front of him the whole time ........and hopefully not too late, as the damage is being done.
Hey Lou,
Don't listen to the in-laws. How they can say that this is just "one of those things" is beyond me. I guess that they are trying to be "supportive" of their son. Who knows what he is telling them and saying you should just "get over it", I wonder what they would be saying if things were the other way around. I have the same thing from my W's fathers side of the family. In fact my FIL has pushed my W to get a D. Long story but he left his wife and kids when my W was only 10 years old and was never interested in even seeing his kids. Now he is being "supportive" of his daughter in HIS way, encouraging her to do the same thing he did all those years ago.
As for your S17, my D19 is doing what she needs to to get on with her life. She is working hard and saving for college but my W doesn't like what she is doing, thinks she knows better how D19 should live her life. I think that this is typical of MLCers. Heck, he may be jealous of him, may not want to have the responsibility of being the parent in NZ and would rather he not have to worry about him as he has plans on "living his new life". Remember, for H it's all about HIM and only him. I think that you are doing great by supporting your S's decision on how he wants his life to be. He knows he can count on you if he needs you, of that you can be certain.
Hang in there Lou. You are going to do great!
Hi Matt, thank you for your support.
My ILs have always been pushy, give them an inch .... If they continue I will just shut them down completely. I am just trying to stay diplomatic ....just in case ... awkward lol.
I am trying so hard to sit on the fence with all our friends and family as you never know what the future holds and if it does include reconciliation then I don't want to be having to mend bridges myself !! I have already lost a friend as she went into " trash h" mode and I won't tolerate that.
Well done to your D, she sounds like she is a very sensible young lady - proud dad :o) I think you are right about H, he most likely is not happy about having to have responsibility for s, he is wrapped up in his new life at the moment, plus my friends have pointed out that if I go alone he will have no spies in the camp - no one to tell him what I am doing, where I am going, who I'm with etc ..... I am not interested in dating, can't even imagine that ever happening - d can't happen until we have been sep for 2yrs here, so I want to keep my commitment to stay faithful even if he doesn't -
He told me a while ago that he has no interest in what I do, but if that changes he could always F/B stalk me lol - I will have to make it interesting for him then he he.
All seems like a big game sometimes. Roll the dice and hope for a ladder and not a snake !
I cannot imagine why people have to trot out that fatuous expression 'These things happen'
Would they say it in the following circumstances?
My husband just got run over and died from his injuries
My house just got burned down and I lost all my possessions
Honestly I do not think so. It sounds like 1) it was no-one's responsibility and 2) we just need to accept it.
The break up of a marriage or long relationship is very very hard, and in many cases un-necessary, rarely are people happier, unless there were long term and persistent issues of incompatibility. The MLC whim, while it seems compelling to the drama queen at its centre, is pretty destructive.
I remember a very wise guy I know talking about when his father left his mother for another woman. He said that he started to count the number of people who had been adversely affected by this decision and that then he got to 50 he stopped counting.
Did the new relationship last? no, were any of the parties happier? No . . . . but of course 'these things happen'
I think the waste and stupidity of MLC makes me crosser, as I get further away from it - Not angry, just annoyed by the destruction. It is like mindless vandalism. It takes time to build and no time at all to torch it.
My xh husband (still deep in MLC 9 years on) has admitted that he had no idea of the hurt and pain it would cause everyone. And no, he still isn't happy, poor guy. But others come through it - Look at Mighty's husband. Some wake up and try to put things right, Always worth hanging in there, but as Job says 'Do not put your own life on hold'
Thanks for that Beatrice,
You are so right; people can be so insensitive sometimes. My friend has not been through this so she is basing her opinion on how she thinks she would react to her h doing the same thing. But I told her - how can you possibly know how you will react; we think one thing and generally do the opposite ... as I am finding out!
As for ILs - got another one from FIL today - respecting my request for space - whoop whoop. Also interestingly he has asked where the money has gone from his account that he has over here .. I don't have access to it, but I know a person that does ... oh deary me ....I am told the MLC journey is a slippery slope and my h seems to be on it.
I hate being put in this position, all I seem to be doing with them is referring them back to their s for answers - and of course he is in his shiney new me me me world and really has no interest in them,so he fobs them off giving them no proper answers to anything, so then they come back to me seeking them and so the circle continues ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Still sitting on the fence - breath 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Not a good start to my day.
In-laws are tricky! My MIL was amazingly angry with my xh (she died, sadly without them being properly reconciled, which is sad)
But you will need to be firm and honest with your in-laws.
I do not think we should bad mouth them, but neither protect them. Difficult toad to tread.
Ah, you know, the ILs are in an awkward place. I know because my ex SIL used to call me after my brother dumped her in a MLC (she was actually his third wife, he didn't have a good track record). Frankly, he'd been treating her rudely for years and I kinda thought she was better off without him - your in-laws may feel the same.
As for your H stealing money from their account - all you can do is say you had no access, and you've discovered that he spent all your joint money too. Lob the ball back into his court.
BTW - do you think he could have a gambling or drug problem to account for the poor money management history? It's one thing to make poor decisions about saving with your joint money, but quite another thing to be spending his father's money that he has no right to.
Thanks Beatrice and kml
My IL don't know what is really going on with him, H emailed them to tell them that we have separated; that it was a joint decision and we are remaining as friendly as possible. Since then I have let them know that it was H that left me, but have given no details and FIL has requested I don't, as they don't want to be put in an awkward position - so funny, what position do they think I'm in !!
I don't think they would understand what is going on at all - and it would be "in my opinion" as he would deny all of this - he was unhappy, so he left, now he's happy, how is that a MLC .... I will come out looking like the bitter ex w, so I choose to say nothing.
As for money - I know what all our joint money has gone on - no drugs or gambling involved. The money he has "borrowed" from his F account has been used to fund his new lifestyle - fun fun fun, and his new g/f and her kids. He is out all the time, going places and doing things - and his income does not cover it. I am due my last installment next week - I am told he already has a bank loan, so he will be having to extend it to pay me - I am under the impression he is getting more than he needs, pay back his Father (I think he was hoping it would be done before F found it missing - oops) and consolidate. All that means is he has freed up the cards to start again !! Like I said, slippery slope.
Its hard to watch this happen - Now I can see more clearly. I just want to take control of it all before he ends up in a complete mess - both with his family and finances. Its heartbreaking to see him destroying his and other's lives. But I know I have to just stand back and allow him to carry on.
Its was his choice to take this route - I can't keep using the "mentally unstable" excuse forever. I cannot and will not allow him to drag me along with him.
I hate seeing him like this; its really not him (money stuff aside) he really was such a loving, kind,trustworthy, supportive guy, I adored (still do really) him, he was my rock and we went through so much together over the years - to stumble now, after all this time, it breaks me. It really is like something has taken over him; occasionally he lets me in and I get glimpses of the old him, but he is now someone I hardly recognise - opinionated, arrogant, selfish, secretive.
Sad sad sad.
Oh my day just gets better - not
H just rang - bank refused loan so can we sort out a payment plan between us - ahhhhhh; well at least he offered alternative I suppose, thank goodness I am not relying on it, it was a bonus payment from him so I did not count on it.
I am guessing he owes too much already - but on his wages, he should have been fine - the slope is getting slippier.
Talked to him about FIL - he said he would sort it. That he had cleared it with them and doesn't know what they are talking about. Yeah yeah - all I was hearing is blah blah blah by then.
Then he informs me that s20 (who lives down the road from him) has ditched uni and decided to get a full time job to support his g/f and her kids ..... he sounds like he is turning into a mini h - can 20yr olds have a YLC ??!! Apparently s20 said he had cleared it with me - hmmm, I must have been asleep for that conversation -
So all my hopes and dreams now rest on s17 being normal
No pressure.
Rant over - back to doing my sums and thanking my lucky stars for all the good things I have in my life - and for him releasing me from the toxic world that he is now living in.
Well, maybe after some time in the work world S20 will decide to go back to school. He's at an age where the divorce may really be throwing him for a loop.
Just be there as a sounding board. And set an example by getting your own act together financially.
Thanks kml,
We have to be separated for 2yrs before we can divorce here, so I still have 18 months to go. No exceptions. I don't know which of us will be the one to file .... depends if I have closed the door - he told me he has.
S20 is just playing games at the moment - using the situation to his advantage. Its a game I don't want to play so I have backed off him a bit, allowing him to live his life as he wants it. He tried to get a new laptop out of me last week - he can try all he wants, the answer is still no!
He has started telling me one thing and his dad the opposite - he told me the other day that he tells me the truth and his dad what he wants to hear, and then told his dad the same thing but the opposite way around - So now neither of us know what the true version is - how are we supposed to co-parent him when neither of us know which one of us has the correct facts !!
Unfortunately he seems to take after his dad where finances are concerned - not surprising when he sees dad living it up and flashing the cash - not exactly a good example to him.
I have my side of things set - I just really need to get a job now, get saving - wow, savings, that will be really fantastic.
Hopefully it won't take long to get work once I have moved.
Just read back over some of the links Cadet sent to me at the start -
My judgement and thoughts were challenged today by a friend - I know she is looking out for me and my wellbeing and interests, but it made me question if I am being a mug, or just not accepting that my marriage is over and that he is sane and was just unhappy - as IL suggested to me.
Re-reading the posts I still believe my h is having a MLC and confirmed to me that I want to try and be his lighthouse.
I know I need to give him space to go on his journey and give myself space to reset, grow and regain my power that I freely gave to him.
I do not contact him, I do not ask anything of him, I do not expect anything from him. I have told him that I will always be here if he needs me. When he contacts me I do not talk r, I answer short and keep on point. All the things I have been advised to do here.
So my question is: Do I stay dark while I am away, let him contact me if/when he wants to or do I contact him periodically, saying hi, shining the light.
My current plan is to be away for around 10 months -
Even if we don't make it through this together, he will still need a friend if/when he wakes and I want to make sure he knows he has one.
There are no times lines for MLC, and no expectation that they will make it through. Some do and some don't. And frankly while we can make things 'worse' arguably, we cannot make things better,
All MLCers seem to say they have been unhappy for years. And in their current state it has its own truth - but the evidence of external reality usually suggests otherwise. It is known that when people are depressed they cannot imagine any other way of being, and some believe that MLC is a form of covert depression with the escapist behaviours being attempts to deal with it.
I prefer to believe we were happy and that my xh is in MLC. But as I have already said, he left nine years ago. he isn't happy, but he hasn't dealt with any of his issues, and by now I do not think he ever will. And we were very very happy - from my perspective. So while I would not advise giving up hope, please have no expectations of how long it takes and whether the outcome will be positive.
The only thing I would say is do not judge them. It is tempting to do this when people behave with cruelty and deception towards their families, and put new people in their life first.
Maintain boundaries, and get on with you own life. If he comes through it it will be hard for you both, and you may find your new life is so compelling that you will be the one to decide you do not want him back.
You seem like such a brave person, and you will be fine.
Lou,
Bea is correct, there are not set time lines for MLC. It will take as long as it takes. Some are short, others long and then there are those exceptions where they stay in MLC for the rest of their lives. No one knows which ones will survive. It all depends on the individual, their personality, childhood issues and whether they can face those issues and realize that they were not at fault for those issues. Again, no set time line, as well as they don't do one stage at a time. They can bounce back and forth through anger, replay, depression and withdrawal for many months, even years.
The person you love is still stuffed deep down within his soul, but the "foo" issues have bubbled to the surface and they need to be resolved. You can love the person, but you don't have to like their behavior and trust me, the behavior can be rather ugly at times.
As for remaining NC when you relocate, we generally advise posters to have contact w/the spouse only in emergencies and to discuss the children and/or finances. He'll know where you are and how to get in touch w/you if he needs you. They don't generally remain quiet for a long time.
Continue to maintain your boundaries and live your life as if he may not return. Who knows what the future holds for you. Bea is right, you may find that your new life is wonderful and exciting and you may not want him back. Yes, ultimately, you will be the one to determine if you want him back, if and when he comes to you and asks to reconcile.
You are going to be fine. I know the unknown looks scary right now, but you sound like a very grounded lady who knows what she needs to do.
Thank you B and job for your advice - once again wise words from you both.
I suppose I am just clinging on to hope.
I do feel like I have lost everything familiar to me and now I am about to become an empty nester too. So many changes in my life in such a short space of time, it catches up on me sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by it all and start wishing - and I know wishing gets me nowhere -
Just had a couple of down days in which I dived into the pool of doom and gloom. It was after he called - just hearing his voice and what he had to tell me.
I did sink really low, even thought about contacting him a couple of times as he was always my "go to guy" but I resisted temptation, distracted and kept telling myself it will pass; this phase will pass. It took all I had to stay focused on this new path, but I have made it through. I kept re reading all that everyone had written to me here which really helped me stay focused.
This morning woke up feeling much calmer, still really sad inside but less of the spinning thoughts of " what happened to us/him" and "what am I going to do" and 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHH" and "I just want him to come home".
I am so glad that I did not contact him, it would have been the worst thing ever, it would have just kept me in the phase for longer and solved nothing.
I dont know what else to write, everything seems -blah - like I am living in a life that is not mine - weird huh.
Hi, Lou,
I'm sorry your last couple of days have had you feeling down. What a difference a day can make, huh?
I can relate to everything you just wrote.
I like the way you handled the feelings. Reminding yourself that the temptation will pass.
Writing helps me sort through this mess. If you find yourself needing to write, and don't have much to say? Throw anything out there. Sometimes it's nice to have a little break from the emotions and advice....we've had threads that evolved into other topics that became quite entertaining.
Discussions and opinions, stuff about the kids, in-laws, or some hot guy someone saw, celebrity crushes, even some cute boots we just bought.
The point is, we're all here for each other.
What kinds of things do you enjoy doing?
Thanks Shining.
Since all this began I have become a journalling junkie - in the beginning I could write pages and pages; getting it all out of my head and on to paper truly saved my sanity !! I have now resorted to keeping my journal on my laptop because it was costing me a fortune in pens and paper lol.
As for what things I like doing - yeah, thats a question I have been asking myself for the past 6 months - I feel I need inspiration as I really don't have a clue what I like and who I am anymore. My new thought is to be open to anything, give it a try - see what clicks.
All the things I used to like doing, I don't anymore - may be its a reminder of my past life thats caused it. We met young so I had not really formed any passions or likes for anything in particular - h and my boys were my life - a traditional stay at home mum/HW. I enjoyed all the "at home" things, gardening, cooking, sewing, paper crafts - I got in to pumpkin carving for charity for a few years, even got a website for them, but have lost interest in it all.
I have started writing a bucket list, travel and other. Crossed two off in the past few months:
To buy a designer dress that cost more than everything in my wardrobe (which wasn't hard as I only ever bought sale or 2nd hand clothes) - the dress is my Happy Day dress - the day I am truly at peace with myself and him - hopefully will still fit in it by then as I suspect its going to be a long while yet !!
The other was to visit a psychic. I have friends that are avid believers and it has always intrigued me - so they persuaded me to go; well, I am open to it, take it with a pinch of salt and feel, what happens happens, plus she is cheaper than therapy!! Well, all I can say is that she gave me a 6 month reading and has been pretty spot on with everything - including names of people who will come in to my life -
So I went back to see her last week for another reading before I leave - WOW !! I'm in for an interesting 18months lol. I will have to listen back to the dvd, as it was quite full!
So next on the list is to have Tea at the Ritz - perhaps that can be when I wear my Happy Day dress :o)
Hi Lou,
I too have been a journaling junkie. I also relate to your sitch because my H relocated cross country so no contact/LRT is out of necessity. Some days are really tough and that is to be expected.
You are doing really well. I like your bucket list. Tea at the Ritz sounds fabulous!
So what color is that Happy Day dress?
Thanks Gwen
So what color is that Happy Day dress?
My Happy Day Dress is 50's style; fitted top with handmade flowers of the same material along the plunging neckline, going into full skirt. It is black background with big floral flowers of blues and greens - think your grandmother's curtains ha ha. Its not what I would normally choose, but that's the whole point of this bucket list - doing/having things that aren't normal to me.
I just hope it still fits when my Happy Day arrives
Sounds adorable. A little sassy and definitely happy.
Wow, Lou, I love your list. And you've already crossed two off? You're ahead of the game!
It sounds like you have many interests and talents. Dig a little here....what did you enjoy as a child? How can this translate into your life now? Sometimes bringing back some old passions and childhood interests can give a whole new energy to your life. I'd think about that, Lou.
I want to hear more about this fabulous dress!!!
Thanks Shining -
the dress is on its way to the UK now - well insured; still can't believe I spent so much on a dress - but funnily enough I don't feel guilty in the slightest .... and this from a gal who used to feel guilty spending a couple $ on a 3pk of knickers .... terrible that i lived that way. I will let you all know when I decide its my Happy Day.
As for interests - childhood ones - yeah, now we are opening up a can of worms.
My M totally dominated my childhood - I did the clubs/activities she felt I should attend, had no friends and lived a very reclusive life.
At 13 she said to me " you're not clever and your not pretty; what [b]are[/b ]we going to do with you". That was pretty much how I saw myself after that.
At 16 she decided I should leave school - without telling me - so she found a job as a nanny/slave on the other side of the country and when I came home one day she told me I was leaving the next day as it was my only chance of becoming something. So off I went - lived and worked on a farm in the middle of nowhere for 2yrs.
Returned home at 18, met a guy who was staying at my parents b&b, M told me that I needed to sleep with him if I wanted to keep him - as really I have nothing else going for me -
So after a really bad experience with him, met another guy, lovely lovely guy, but not a keeper, which lead to meeting this young, hot, sexy fireman, completely took my breath away. We were both 19, moved in together after a week of dating, engaged 8 weeks later, married a couple days after his 21st.
My M was shocked I bagged such a great, loving, caring guy who worshipped me. She died 14yrs ago, but before she did, she apologised for all she did/said to me through my childhood. She told me that she never expects me to forgive her, but wanted to me know that it wasn't my fault, I did nothing wrong to warrant her behaviour towards me.
It took me years of being bitter, negative and angry with her before I just woke up one day (this year) and said "enough now". I wrote her a letter saying all the things I felt, then ended it by saying thank you to her for making me the person I am today - strong and resilient. I then burnt some toxic letters she had written, I kept the ashes and bought a bunch of her favourite flowers. H and I went to the beach (her ashes were scattered out at sea) I read the letter out loud, put the letter ash into the waves to be returned to her and then placed the flowers in the surf to be taken to her too.
And that was it - never looked back. I feel nothing but love for her now, I let go of all the negative and only see the positive.
So back to your question - childhood interests - didn't have any of my own so I really have no clue - according to my mum I was useless at everything .... BTW I do know that that is not the case.
This whole sitch with my h has ended up as a voyage of discovery for me - obviously I wish it was with H, but to be really honest here ... and I don't know how you will all react to this declaration ... but I don't think I would have been doing/thinking any of the things I am if we were still together.
H leaving me completely blew my world apart, he threw me off a cliff - I can either plummet to the ground or learn how to fly .... I am currently flapping like mad to try and stay away from the ground ...but one day, I will fly and enjoy the world I live in.
Just added another one on to the list - to ride on the back of a Harley. Never been on a bike in my life. My Travel list is now so long I need a lotto win to achieve it lol.
I hope with all my heart that h finds his way back to me, I love him so deeply, even after all the things he has done and is still doing. I can't imagine being with anyone else. We have been through so much over the years, to stumble now is really heartbreaking. I don't know what happened, where it all came from and why he left without wanting to try and fix us first - if this is MLC it explains everything.
I would love him to meet Lou 2.0 one day - who knows, he may fall in love all over again
Phew - chills, I don't really talk about my m and my childhood.
S20 rang tonight wanting to know about coming to see me, I told him my budget has changed and I really can’t afford to pay for his flights now. So off he went to H house to use the internet to check flights. Then rang me again saying that he really wants to come, so he will pay half.
Then he rang again to say he has looked at flights, they are expensive, but H has said he will pay on his airpoints card so they will be free– there is no way he could have enough points; if he has then his cc must be maxed out and even then it would be virtually impossible to have racked up that many points in 5 months – I think he would actually pay for the flights on his cc instead - what the heck is he playing at? This has nothing to do with him, it’s between me and S20.
I don’t want to feel like I owe him anything, I am afraid he will store this “nicety” and bring it back at a later date.
Maybe it’s a guilt thing as he has not been able to pay me my last instalment so I had to rethink my budget, which means not seeing S20 before I go – but why, I don’t get it, why does he want to help- it puts me on edge. He walked away from me and his responsibility to me, why does he care now.
Perhaps I am reading way too much into this and it’s genuinely a nice gesture – that he wants his S to see me before I go.
It put me in a spin. So I transferred all the money to S20 and told him to book the flights and tell his dad, thanks, but no thanks, we have sorted it. He said he is happier with that. Now I have had to juggle my budget –
I hate feeling like this - like I am on my guard, not sure what he is after all the time – when he really could be well meaning – I am confused and feeling a bit wound up. I hate this not trusting him or being able to be happy and accepting of a nice gesture.
I am also a bit peeved that S20 discussed this with H, it really has nothing to do with his dad what he and I are doing
I know I should have just paid for the flights in the first place and not said anything – but I have been fed up with trying to chase S20 for dates and after him playing games with H and I it just seemed easier to skype with him – he knows I am coming back at some point for a visit and we have spent far more time a part when he went travelling for a year.
Ahhhhhhh venting. Breathe. Its done now, I will just have to deal with whatever - if anything - H says about me saying no thanks to his offer.
Lou,
Your h may have been feeling guilty about all of the mess he's created and felt the need to want to pay for your S20's flights. He wanted to come off looking like a good guy helping his son out.
I know it's difficult to try to figure out the why's of things when it comes to MIA spouses, but you can't. No one will ever know what actually goes through their heads on any given second.
Enjoy the time you spend w/your son and don't forget to breathe! Everything will work out in the end.
Sad sad sad ....:o(
Just said goodbye to S20, was really nice to spend time with him before I go. I managed not to ask about H and just smiled and changed subject when he mentioned him - just as part of a conversation, which is really silly as h is a part of his life, of course he is going to come up in a sentence occasionally. Just felt really emotional every time I heard what they have been doing together.
At the airport I spoke to him about Christmas Day arrangements for a skype call - S17 and I have arranged to talk on Christmas Day, which would mean - due to time difference - his christmas day night and my christmas day morning. So I asked S20 if he would still be with his D then. He replied - we can't do the evening as d is taking us all to a party starting at 2pm.
So I said "oh, ok, thats a shame, does s17 know this?"
S20 replied " I don't think d has told him yet. Plus me and g/f don't know if we are going, and if S17 doesn't want to go he can come and stay with me"
me - " Why wouldn't he want to go?"
S20 just looked at me .....then the penny dropped. OW and kids will also be going, one big Happy Family Christmas.
They will go, they won't like to say no and risk upsetting their dad.
So I sucked up emotions and feelings about it all, kept it inside until I waved S20 off on his plane, then burst into tears in the car on the way home.
I am so so sad, this is not how I saw my life going, my family being pulled apart. I have my family traditions, the little things we did every year, and this year MY boys will be spending Christmas Day with HER and her kids. One Big Happy Family UGH I actually feel sick at the thought of it. Guess what's going to be in my head all Christmas day.
To top it off S17 is going through a bad time - a combo of teens, all the changes in his life and me leaving I think - he is so moody, disrespectful and arrogant one minute and then all mushy and wants to hang out with me the next.
I went away for a few days last week to say goodbye to some g/friends and when I returned my house was a pig sty ...and smelt like one too - S had had a party which seemed to have run for 3 days ...they used everything in the kitchen and left it unwashed, piled up; the lounge was full of makeshift beds, the toilet was blocked up and S had been sleeping in my bed (if you smelt him you would know why I am so peeved at that). And to top it off, they have lost the keys to his mates car in my garden so I now have an abandoned car in my driveway and a week until I have to hand the house back to the rental agency.
He has never done anything like this before. He has had parties, but always cleared up before I got home. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked off when I told him to clear up - I did leave it for him and he eventually did clear up, but I had to sort the toilet out - lovely !!
I am trying so hard to remain calm with him but he is starting to really push my buttons - He took himself off for the whole time his brother was here as he "hates" him and I should know that by now ??!! Came in with a hangover this morning, threw the car keys at me, said he was going to bed and calling in sick for work - then when I came back from the airport he had gone - he just called to say he will be back tonight. ..... Leaving him too it, picking my battles and clearly this is not one of them.
Breathe. Feel better now for getting it out. I can see my journal entries for today will be turning into an epic saga of "woe is me" lol. I already preempted feeling like this so did not book anything in for the next 2 days so I can wallow and let it pass.
I hate this, I hate what he is doing to me, to my boys, to our family. I hope its all worth it for him, otherwise its just destruction of lives and a marriage for absolutely nothing.
Lou,
I am very sorry to hear what's happening right now in your life. It's going to be a difficult holiday for you this year. As for your sons being a big happy family w/the ow there. I seriously doubt that. They'll be thinking of all of the holidays that were once shared w/their mom and dad. So, try not to fret too much about that...okay?
As for your son making a mess of your place...I would have been furious. Tell him that if he doesn't have that blasted car moved by Monday, that you will call a tow truck to hall it away and he or his friend will have to pay the bill.
Lou, please take care of yourself. You've got a lot of stress going on now. Get the bubble bath out and take a nice, relaxing bath to help soothe your nerves. You owe it to yourself.
Thanks Job
I am dreading these holidays - to top it off I have just had an email from my b saying that they have invited a few more to spend the day with us - just when I was wanting to take a long walk and forget it this year.
Thanks Job for saying about the OW and them playing Happy Families - I know my boys will just put up with it all, but from past meetings she goes over the top being nice and although they have both said "mum, its so false" I just feel like I am missing out on what has always been a family holiday - My boys always made it home for the holidays no matter where they were.
I have done as much as I can to keep a little bit of me with them - Have done them each a stocking for C/mas Morn - they used to come in and open it with me and their d, I always reacted surprised at all their gifts from f/c, at 20&17 they think its hilarious I still act like F/C is real .... he is isn't he??!! .
And yesterday we had lasagne for dinner (our first year in NZ we could not decided what to have for christmas dinner as it was really odd having Christmas in the sunshine, so S17 -was 10yrs - came up with having lasagne, so we did and each year I make a lasagne as an extra) and we had crackers - it was lovely.
As for S17 - he just breezed in to get some togs as off to the beach, so I told him to tell his friend the car needs to be gone by Friday morning or I call a tow truck. Plus I want him home tomorrow to sort out his room and what he wants to keep from the house - plus find a place to store it. He agreed - said he feels better now S20 gone (wondering if its a jealously thing as he has had me to himself for 6 months and we have become very tight)
Got a massive headache now, have not had one for ages. Think the stress is starting to build - on the countdown now, busy week. Picking up my ticket on Tuesday - at the moment it doesn't seem real - and I suppose I held on to the hope he would stop me - but silence from him.
Hey Ho, keep moving forwards, day by day.
Woke up to a couple of lovely cold sores - cripes.
But on the up side - I have been invited to a winter solstice bonfire @ the beach on 21st; I have accepted, will mostly likely have jet lag so will only stay for a couple hrs - at least until sunset or I fall asleep lol.
Feeling calmer today - trying to not remain upset by what is going on on c/mas day, its still a couple weeks away.
sx2 are going to have interaction with OW/kids whether I like it or not, its a fact and not in my control, so need to accept it. I know that I am their m and by not reacting to any of this in front of them it will stand me in good stead in the future.
I have been reading everyone's posts, they are so different from my sitch - my H has dropped off the planet, no spewing, no dragging me through court, no anything. Just silence - I don't exist in his world. I am not sure which is best - the contact; even if it is a rollercoaster - or the silent treatment.
I do wonder if he ever thinks about me or us, if anything I do has any impact on his thoughts. It seems so bizarre to me that he can detach from all that we were so easily. Last week my s17 finished school and we were supposed to be moving down to my H at the weekend - but instead I was clearing my house out to move across the world - cu-ra-zy
Lou - I completely relate to your situation. H said in January his employer was going broke and he must look for new work. He is highly specialized so searching out of state. Timing wasn't great for the kids but planned to sell the house and I would rent an apartment and stay here with youngest until graduation (2 1/2 years). I agreed that looking for a position as a defense was a good idea, just in case.
He rocked our world in May with BD and move cross country under the guise of this great job. Luckily I refused to sell the house quickly because everything imploded(discovery of OW, money gone, lies, etc.) otherwise we would be homeless.
He deposits some money each payday. It is not enough to make ends meet and those deposits only be because mortgage is in his name and child is 16. I am working to get a legal agreement in place because I have not worked outside the home 20 years. It is going to be starting from ground zero. I have no money or skills.
He has only called me once since he left. Very limited texts and maybe 3 or 4 calls from me before I went NC in October. Children have not heard his voice since summer. Only texts on holidays to the girls and never asks them anything. My daughter calls the "insert holiday here" texts. We are completely disposable like an appliance he no longer needs.
Even my attorney couldn't get a response. If we go to court it will be because he just won't respond and this is my only recourse. It is odd how H won't just acknowledge us. I love him enough to let him go but my children and I do not get that respect.
It sure hurts like a pain I have never experienced. The indifference. The feeling that you don't matter now and did you ever really matter? Please take care of yourself. It is not you. It is your H. I am coming to understand this as the days pass that H is truly in turmoil. He may always be this way but you can't help him and if you tried then it would only be self defeating.
I didn't think H was a Narcissist but the more I reflect and read I realize that certain personalities have these tendencies that show themselves in midlife. They vary to different degrees but it is NOT YOU.
All your posts are lovely. You seem logical and empathetic and kind. You can get stronger because you have the tools inside of you. DBing is all about self preservation.
This is going to be a beautiful adventure for you. It is not about H anymore. IF in the future he comes calling then you can deal with that issue. Hang in there. You are doing great!
PS - Sorry for the hijack. Your H's behavior defies description. That feeling of being discarded... You are not alone.
Thanks Gwen. Its good to hear your story - I have been following your threads.
My fun filled day consisted of 3.5hrs on call waiting to my phone company - thank goodness for speakerphones - I had to power through as it was to give them notice for termination of contract. Geez, when I got through it took all of 5 mins to have the conversation - so frustrating!
On an up note the missing keys were found - in my gardening shed ?? the mind boggles - so now the car has gone -
S17 seems to have calmed down. He has even sorted out his room - I shake my head at the fun and games at his antics getting it done, but hey, a bit of entertainment for the day
Its now that night time feeling - I get it every night, the sadness and wishing and wanting things to be different. So off for a bath for some me time -
Hugs to all, hope everyone is having a good day (((hugs)))
Bucket list -
No17 - Skydive
Going to do this one when I come back to NZ -
Lou,
Don't you hate being on line and waiting for the next available person to assist you? That's a long time to wait on hold for the next available person to assist you, but at least you finally go through.
I'm glad the missing keys showed up, but how in the world did they get in the shed? That's too funny, but the car is gone and you can relax about that situation and not worry about it again.
S17 sounds like he finally got it together and sorted out his room. I hope he continues to be on an even keel the rest of the week for you so that you aren't stressing more than you already are.
I do think going out and enjoying yourself a bit on the 21st will be nice, even if you should fall asleep. LOL! It will be a nice little break for you and you'd be spending it w/some friends.
I like your bucket list item. I did the hot air balloon ride several years ago and loved it. Don't put off those items you want to do for very long or you won't do them.
I hope this week is a good one for you.
Thanks job
oooooh Hot Air Balloon, I bet that was fantastic - especially on a clear day. No18 on the list has just been found !! Thanks for the inspiration!
Yep, not sure how the keys ended up in the shed - don't really want to know either lol. I am not sure what has got in to S17, he is up at 6am going for a run - I did not think he knew there are two 6's in a day ha ha.
Hey Lou,
Good to hear that you are thinking about new challenges and fun things to do.
I know that night-time feeling. I push myself to do stuff I don't really want to do - i.e. like cleaning the oven!! - when I feel like this, just to keep my mind from ruminating.
Sorry to say this but I'm getting some solace from hearing abut your son's behaviour. He sounds just like my D19. I thought I was going through this alone, but no, maybe it's just typical upset teen stuff?
Good to hear, too, that he's having a good patch atm.
Hi NLW, thanks, its good to hear from you.
Its easy to forget that a part from being a normal teen, S17 is dealing with lots of changes in his life. I do cut hhim a bit of slack but he knows when he has pushed it too far !!
I just hope that he will be ok, its going to be really hard leaving him. I know we have skype and all that, but he is still a long way away from me.
I picked up my ticket this morning - all offical now - no going back. Had to buy a visa to enter US air space - ridiculous when I am only transiting through, I think it will be 2hrs in a transit lounge before getting back on the plane for my next leg. Its 27hrs all together ugh.
Lou, This must be so hard for you.
If it's any help at all, I know that a number of my daughter's friends went on long exchanges to OS schools at this age, and a couple were packed off by their parents to internships on the other side of the world for a year as soon as they finished their last year of high school (i.e. at age 17/18).
I wondered how these kids would cope, being so young and all, but it seemed to work OK. It seems to make the kids more independent and requires them to grow up and be less selfish. They learn so much by having to cope on their own, and they seem to value things like family and friends a lot more.
None of this probably helps you to feel any better about leaving your son, I know.
It's just plain hard.
And 27 hrs, that is torture, I know that too.
You are showing your son that you are active agent in the world - someone who takes things on and is not afraid to explore change and make decisions. This has to be a good thing.
Thanks NLW
S20 went off to the UK for a yr the day after his 18th, I was sad to say goodbye to him but I think it was easier because he was leaving me and I still had H and S17 at home.
This time its me leaving my boys and its also alone - no h.
I am struggling a bit today - the reality of it all has hit me. Quite emotional TBH. I have days when I just don't get it - why us ? That he really has gone, that he really does not want me in his life anymore, thats it, finished, all gone.
It makes no sense at all; we were happy, planning our next stage of life and excited at the prospect of his new job and move .... and then BD. KaaaaaaBooooooom!!! Does not seem real sometimes.
I carry on, I suppose the best way to describe it is existing in life. I do all the GAL'ing and make decisions that don't include h, I keep going onwards - but he does not leave me, he is still very much apart of my heart and in my head.
I know I am clinging on to hope,and that is probably holding me back, but its so hard to let go. I read the success stories and that keeps me ever hopeful that mine will be one of those ....I know we all do ...
Been wrapping the boys stocking gifts today, getting them ready to go with S17 next week. Doing that did not help the sadness, as I know I wont get to see them open them this year. I know who they are spending it with - :o(
Ok, so this is a bad day. Tomorrow will be a better one :o)
You are doing great Lou. It is a process and being hopeful is not necessarily holding on. There is a fine line. Be proud of all you have accomplished so far.
Had a bit of an emotional day - a few tears, which hasn't happened for a couple of weeks.
Some of my furniture was picked up by the Sallie Army today, it felt good to be passing it on to families in need, but once they had gone it hit me - my history - our history - just left in the back of a truck - Feel silly getting sentimental over a couch! Oh deary me lol.
I can see its going to be a week of tears and sentimentality. This time next week I will starting my new chapter ..... still feels surreal at the moment.
I know I have a few stressful weeks ahead, acknowledging that its ok to feel down and allowing it to happen is a leap forward for me, its something I have struggled accepting throughout this process. I don't feel guilty having a few tears or even a meltdown - actually I feel proud that I have made it this far - organising this move on my own has been an achievement of epic proportions for me.
Please do not feel bad about feeling and acknowledging sadness. It is when we do not do it, or pretend we are OK when we aren't, that psychological problems can happen further down the line.
There is real pain in the loss of marriage, in breach of trust, and in the loss of our life partner. It would be more worrying if you didn't feel bad.
We are all walking the same path, and it hurts. It does get better, I promise you, and curiously, the more you experience the pain (I do not mean wallow in it, which you clearly do not do!) I believe the more completely we eventually heal, even healing old hurts from way back.
hang in there, there is a great life ahead, hurts and all!
Lou- I am sorry this is happening but let those tears flow. Letting that emotion out is far healthier for you in the long run. You should be proud of everything you've accomplished with this move. It is a huge undertaking even when one isn't dealing with so many changes.
You did not want this loss in your life but you are being so gracious. I have to say your attitude and ability to see the bigger picture is inspiring to me.
Hugs from the US. Looking forward to watching you tackle this next chapter in your life. I think great times are ahead for you.
Lou,
It's okay to feel sad and yes, the emotions are all over the place when we are put in a position of dismantling our lives, homes, etc. The history will never go away because it's in our memory banks, but the future is unknown and you have to get through today to get to the future.
Hugs to you because this is an emotional time for you. Take care of yourself, and if you need to cry, cry. There's nothing wrong w/that one bit.
Thank you Beatrice, Gwen and Job, I really appreciate you taking the time to write to me. I am humbled that so many people are giving me support through this time ...
Still feeling all over the place. That horrible time when I recycle back through the stages I hoped I had left far behind - even back to wondering about h and what is going on with him right now, if I am ever in his thoughts .... especially now I am moving.
I try so hard to stop myself from letting him dominate my thoughts, I was doing so well - yet here he is again, as clear as when he first left. Its so frustrating - why can't I get control of this, its my head, my choice to let him in - flippin fluppin floopin brain lol. Some days I feel like I am heading for Crazyville.
I have experienced the ability to focus on myself now; so to slip backwards (even as a temp thing) is very annoying. Still, I have not broken my NC rule, I have not contacted him since start of Oct, and he only communicates when he has to, so at least I have not gone backwards in all areas.
Hopefully this is a short stage this time and I can resume my journey going in a forwards direction soon.
Hope you all are having a good day (night) depending on where you are in the world :o) ((hugs))
Lou
Cycles .. it all cycles .. wash/rinse/repeat ... it gets better trust me, not as intense the next time ... then just when you think ok I am past it .. whammo .. back again. Its normal and from what I can tell healthy .. use it to propel you to where you need to be. Own it .. do not suppress it .. deal with the emotions and feelings as they come, and take them for what they are .. feelings. If you did not have them you would not be here .... your H probably would .. and be 2-3 threads into .. "Why did she leave me"