That thread went quickly. I have found that quick threads do not equal good circumstances. My longest lasting threads, I noticed, have been when less is going on.
Less is good.
Unless, of course, I am just now on the fast track to moving on?!
Well, I have a feeling that this one will be about the most change. I have felt a lot of growth in the past two weeks.
Now I am up for quite a challenge. Things are getting sticky right now. I am glad we are leaving for the weekend, but I am really nervous about xh really losing it at this point. I had an unknown cell phone call the house. We don't use the house phone at all.. it just keeps my bill lower by having it. I am afraid it was xh on hww's phone. I don't know, but since we don't use it, I just unplugged it.
I just went around building Fort Knox-type security. I changed the locks (xh does not know, and probably thinks he still has a key, but they are the locks you can recode. I don't think he knows that). but I had to double secure things. Blockade windows and things. I don't like that. I also alerted my neighbors to keep an eye out.
He is snapping. I am taking the brunt. I don't know what is going to happen.
I have got a feeling, though, that I will be digging deep! I think I will be faced with some real challenges very soon up the road. Probably some of my biggest every. I will be doing my best to do what is right for my kids and me.
Mighty,
Smokey did a lot of the prowling around our property for awhile. He even texted me one evening when he was in our yard at 4 a.m.
I guess it sorta became our new normal for awhile. It dies down.
I'm glad you changed the locks.
I've always struggled with anxiety. And, I would get terrible premonitions of things to come...some became reality, some didn't. In the end, there was nothing I couldn't handle.
There's this great gospel song I listen to where the minister says in the beginning, "No matter what you may be going through, cheer up! You can handle it! If you got it, that means you can handle it. Look at your neighbor and tell him, 'Cheer up! YOU can handle it!"
You got this Mighty. He ain't nuthin but a sad, troubled guy who has altered his life in an unimaginable way.
I'm so glad you are leaving for the weekend. You will come home with a clear head and a fresh perspective.
Mighty,
I know you know this, but just be...careful. He sounds a bit unhinged.
Good for you for changing the locks and all the rest. Being proactive is really smart.
I don't know how wacky he can get but maybe having a few "contingency plans" in place in case he really goes off might be a good idea?
I'm glad you'll be gone because putting some distance between him and the rest of the family sounds like the best plan at the moment.
Take care.
And if you end up discussing it with your son:
- there is no test for HPV in men
- the lack of visible warts in men does NOT mean they cannot transmit the virus
- yes, you might have had the virus from another partner in your youth and never had sxs or an abnormal pap until now; however the timing is highly suspect
- The lesson for your son is ALWAYS use condoms.
In the future - I would have avoided involving S in issues like this. I know he found the papers but if he had asked if H gave it to you, I would have just answered "I don't know".
The worst feeling for the kids is to feel like they have to choose a side. My kids are super sensitive to that even though we have been very careful not to involve them.
As for crazy ex spinning - avoid contact as much as possible. If you feel you need to, later you can simply reiterate that HE is responsible for his relationship with the kids and YOU are not interfering with that (maybe suggest to him that he would like to go to therapy with the kids???? lol, of course he wouldn't).
Mighty. I hope you enjoy your trip. I'm sure you will.
When it comes to the ex and the accusations? Personally, I still get those from ex and now her husband and my daughter. Likely because I won't respond to ex's accusations. But who really knows? How do you figure out a crazy person?? Let me know if you can figure that out
But for me the best response has been...nothing. As long as he accuses, no need for a response. If he calms down, you can have a conversation then, but promise yourself you won't otherwise. I know it's hard. Raising kids has some challenges.
If he sends email like that? I have a policy that if my kids are cc'd, I won't respond. If they ask or want to talk about it? I'm happy to, but I won't bring it up nor respond with them in the cc. That's an easy red flag that they are looking for attention any way they can get it. Starve a fire, right? Deprive it of oxygen.
If he can cooperate rationally? By all means, co-parent. If not, then it's not worth the time and takes away from your ability as a mother to focus on the important things. Treat it accordingly.
Anything else will just pull you into the muck and you don't need to be there. It's your choice of course.
Enjoy the trip!
AJ
Hey guys.
Thanks Heather. I'm OK, I have been thinking about it, and I feel like if I feel bothered, xh must really be stirring. Can't be the happiest household.
kml- yeah, you know your stuff. I didn't really include s17 on the convo. I didn't specifically say anything. He did the asking, I just answered. It wasn't to throw anyone under the bus, and I tried to soften it as much as I could. S17 did a research project on this two years ago and knows all about it. I think he knew more than me!
(Oh and my experience before xh was a total of 3 times with protection... very unlikely...)
GGG- definitely unhinged. He was in the military. Infantry paratrooper. He can be aggressive when he wants something, feels wronged/threatened, those things. And that was before. Ugh, I just don't know. I mean he is so different, I just don't know what to expect.
AJ- my man! Silence, silence, silence. That's all I've got to give. He is so irrational at this point that I have no interest. He will not "hear" anything I have to say. I thought I could handle it this morning when I answered his call. It was evident that I was not dealing with someone who wanted to hear anything I had to say.
This is what I see. XH has TONS of anger. He has not been accountable for his actions. He is dying to blame someone. Now that this has happened, he is using this as MY doing for him to blame EVERYTHING for the last year on. It is so unreal. He finally has something to pin on me. Even if he has it all twisted and does not want to hear the truth. At all.
I can't give that energy. (Yet, here I am.)
But he keeps reiterating that he had a good time with s17 and I wanted to sabotage that so I told him when he got home. It was nothing like that at all!!!
S17 was mad at him 3 days later when xh was sending him millions of crazy text messages. He was doing it to d13 to who was also annoyed.
Mighty, he is sitting on a freaking powder keg right how. Holy cr@p. The anxiety has got to be building all across the board. No way this is a joyous time for him. It can't be.
Let me be clear, I have zero concern for your a$$hat xh now....just trying to imagine the temperature because it is no surprise he is freaking out more an more as the date approaches. I'm soooooo glad you took the precautions you did. Smart lady, you are.
I've seen so much growth in you and your responses to xh. You got this. He knows it. Scary to see him coming back for mini attacks on you and kids.
As always, positive thoughts, prayers, and hugs your way.
I am so upset about this for s17, and I am so sad for myself. I can't believe that this was my husband. I am having surgery and he is using that as a reason to blame me for all his problems. I am not trying to make a big deal about this, but it is sad that someone who was your husband... forget it.
He just kept lying, though. Yesterday it was he had just seen the email about my surgery because he does not check that account. Today he saw it 6 weeks ago and has since been tested (liar). It is insane.
The document was 2 pages long, all bashing me. It started off saying "I can't believe it has gotten this dirty to where your mother will take any necessary step to put you against me."
Keep in mind, he sent the nastiest email about s17 a couple weeks ago. If I showed it to s17, I am sure s17 would NEVER speak to him again. I'm serious. It was terrible.
"Your mom is angry with me and it appears she will do whatever it takes to destroy my relationship with you and d13."
It only get worse from there. He took any communication we had and used it to say that I was trying to get them to argue. He kept asking for me to communicate with him. When I let him know about s17's stash and that I came home and he was high, he told s17 that I told him to damage their r. What the????!!! (And s17 knew anyway, because I always told him when I was letting his dad know. Because they didn't have a r, but I would say, this is something your dad should know. Not anymore!
But as I was driving home tonight, I thought about something. His text to me started with, "You think u have it all figured out." Hmmmm.... maybe he THINKS I think that. Why? Am I portraying that? Is he watching me? Maybe because I am not falling for his garbage? I definitely don't think that, but maybe I look like it!
But, ladies and gentlemen..... the best line EVER...
"You're trying to destroy my relationship and character."
My plan worked! I have spent years plotting to get child support and make him broke, while I live the life of luxury to sustain my greedy, selfish ways. I injected skankness into my cells to have a surgery as a ploy to destroy his relationship with his son (and daughter by default). I forced him into a v-reversal to trap him into a r with a young girl.
I am sure I am the cause of every other little problem he has, but frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
I am realizing... I am not going to let this stop me. I slowed down a little, but I'm picking the pace back up.
He is the one suffering. He is reminding me more and more why I want to get further away. He has made these choices. I have not done this. I didn't want this. He did. It just didn't turn out the way HE wanted. He is learning that others have feelings and opinions. It is not all about him.
I'm just gonna keep doing me.
Mighty, so sorry you have to deal with all that. The x is definitely spinning and spinning fast. Happy people do not do things like that. I’m thinking he is very angry at everything and everyone. What about that happy “family” that he envisioned with the ow? I suspect it the house of card is starting to crumble. Just stay away from the garbage when it crashed down to the ground.
Sending some HUGS to you.
If anyone is reading this, sorry for the rambling. I tend to do it a lot. But it is helping me... I am like that where I just need to lay it out there for myself. Process the thoughts and move through them. Otherwise they bounce around all scattered in my head.
Back to my thought earlier... Xh says, "You think you have it all figured out." I want to go thorough what xh has seen of me. Since we really don't see each other, outside of kids' games... What does he see?
Me taking care of the kids without him.
Me taking care of the house on my own.
Me finishing the bathroom addition.
Me doing all the yard work, finishing jobs, putting up/taking down summer stuff, including custom built screen enclosing for garage.
Taking care of dog.
Working full-time.
Going out with friends.
4 trips in 4 months with kids.
Taking over all the bills and finances (which he always did).
Switching things out of his name.
Kids with their friends and having fun.
Me doing things with kids.
Kids hanging with cousins and my family.
Me and all of my family at s17's football game
Me with friends/family at d13 volleyball game
S17 and me at Senior Day (xh not invited by s)
Me at kids games talking to and laughing with people (he talks to no one, except his cell phone)
Me volunteering at d13 volleyball game.
Kids and I doing new things.
Kids and I going out to dinner.
Me opening pool by myself. (Brand new inground saltwater pool, which I had to (first find) and hook up the saltwater generator.
When his brother and fam came to visit for 5 days over the summer, they were at his house for an hour and left to stay with me bc it was uncomfortable.
Me watching bil's kids while they were at wedding (xh though he and hww were, bil said, no, I'd rather leave them with Mighty.(This is the only relative he is really close with- they are 1 year apart, people think they are twins.)
Bil & fam stayed an extra day to hang out w & go to dinner w me and kids.
And Me looking hot every time he sees me.
Sounds to me like you have got a lot of it figured out.
pure guesswork on my part but he has probably been telling himself how good he was and that he did 'everything' to support you and so if he sees that you never needed him that is going to hurt his ego (and we men are all about ego) ESPECIALLY if his choices aren't going as well as he hoped.
Statements that people make tend to be a reflection of there perceptions and are always relative. 'You've got it all figured out' could easily translate to him actually feeling 'I haven't got a clue'
Rhett butler is springing up all over these boards...
Mighty - what can I say? The anger response is mostly anger at himself with nowhere to go. Unacknowledged and festering, I would say.
I have the same T shirt. My youngest son commented recently that his father is still so full of anger/rage call it what you will. They can't think straight becauseo f it. They blame everyone else.
Sometimes they don't snap. There are periods (in my experience) when they calm down and get on with their lives, then something triggers them.
Most recently it was my xh spending over a year trying to sue me. (It started three and a half years after our divorce, and went on for nearly fourteen months.) I have no idea why he thought I had swindled him out of a not-very-large sum of money, except my general horribleness.
He refused to go his youngest son's wedding - my dil sent him photos, as a kind gesture and he emailed her father to thank him!!
I could go on, but I am sure you see a pattern. I also get unexplained phone calls - OK they could be from someone else, but not many people have my number . . . and number withheld - seriously??
Mine has his cousin saying to my son, given the whole h drama I thought your mum wouldn't want me to ring to offer you work.
Really I'm that Bigga b that I won't allow my s16 to work for the cousin. The fact cousins a cheater told h to leave me and supposedly support ow openly as she is much nicer, I prolly should have a drama. All that crapola, says. MOre about them than me IMHO.
It's show how warped and crazed your h is.
Mighty,,,stay strong keep your head held high.
Stay safe from your XH. IGNORE him as much as you possibly can.
NY is fun! I feel sad not acknowledging xh's birthday. I've spent the last 19 halloweens w him celebrating his birthday. Regardless of the crazy, I still love & care about him. <sigh>
Dang, Mighty...that's a long list!
I'd like to add:
Dealing with the humiliation, pain and grief of learning your husband got another woman pregnant and all the wreckage this life-altering action inflicts.
You are an amazing woman Mighty. Enjoy the weekend to the fullest. You deserve it.
LOL. I read that and I just shook my head. You missed something in all of this. The dynamic of your xh and how he has somebody to feed the anger, but not help him release it. I know that dynamic well, Mighty. And it just seems to prolong things from where I sit. Meh.
NY is fun! I feel sad not acknowledging xh's birthday. I've spent the last 19 halloweens w him celebrating his birthday. Regardless of the crazy, I still love & care about him. <sigh>
That's great to hear you like NY. A little chilly perhaps?
For what it's worth: It's perfectly normal to feel sad you can't celebrate his birthday like you used to. In fact, it's pretty normal to have many different emotions at the same time. Fun, happy and partially sad. 19 years is a lot of memories.
Have you ever noticed on these boards that we say that the LBS is able to be the one to hang on to the memories? We don't let the crazies take that. Those were good memories, Mighty. There will be many of those, and there will be many new ones.
I really like the list. You have done a lot for your family. And you should continue to.
The next time your ex rambles like that? Either throw it away before you read it (strongly recommended) or at the very least consider the source and throw it away before you read it.
My thinking is that if he can't be reasonable and work through any issues he has without accusing and berating those around him, then it's not worth hearing. He won't remember it later (most likely) and you have no actionable item. The only thing it does is make you defensive for things you haven't been part of.
That's just his anger looking for a release. For that, I recommend you let him figure it out. He is welcome to take it out on the ones that deserve it, like say, OW? His co-workers? His friends (if he has any left)? or somebody at the grocery store. Anyone but you and the kids.
Your kids have figured out how to deal with him already. They don't talk to him. Perhaps you could learn a lesson from a child...
Enjoy NY. It's a great time of year to be there!!!
AJ
Mighty just re-read your list.
GREAT list, you are taking care of things and living your life!!!
H may see it or may not, but it's for you to know you are taking care of things without your H.
M, I have written about my roadmap. I was very clear when I made it with how I wanted to act during all of this and what I wanted to see when I looked back.
I did that so that no matter what crap was thrown my way from my xh, and trust me there was some really horrific things, I knew exactly what to do. I didnt even have to think about it after awhile.
I wanted to act with dignity and strength. I wanted to show my son how to navigate through life's turmoils with courage.
So, each and every time my xh tried to hurt me, I reacted the same. I gave it no importance. I didnt acknowledge what he was trying to do by reacting. I kept on my path.
Your xh is jumping up and down trying to get your attention because he sees you handling stuff. That wasnt the way it was supposed to go in his head. So, now he has to do more to bring you down.
Because you are taking away his reasons for having done what he did. If it isnt you, then its him and that isnt something he can accept.
Do not engage. Keep your side of the street clean. If I were you, I wouldnt keep him in the loop about your son unless it is extremely important and then stick to the facts. He is his father, if he wants to know what is going on, he can contact the school or your son.
Dont allow what he is doing now to change your journey.
Trust me that your son has figured out his father. That relationship is their to forge and has nothing to do with you. Do not defend yourself. Answer your son's questions honestly and succinctly and then let this go.
Your xh is spiralling down. Stay far away from it.
Oh and Mighty, I would be worried if you didnt feel sad from time to time. This is sad stuff..the breaking up of a family.
Dont allow this to taint the memories you have. They were real and true.
The dynamic of your xh and how he has somebody to feed the anger, but not help him release it. I know that dynamic well, Mighty. And it just seems to prolong things from where I sit.
AJ makes a really good point. It's so much easier to get honest with yourself when you don't have someone else invested in maintaining and feeding the anger.
The dynamic of your xh and how he has somebody to feed the anger, but not help him release it. I know that dynamic well, Mighty. And it just seems to prolong things from where I sit.
AJ makes a really good point. It's so much easier to get honest with yourself when you don't have someone else invested in maintaining and feeding the anger.
OK, AJ and Heather. I need help with this one. I am not sure I totally follow. Can you explain? Sometimes my blonde hair gets in the way of my brain waves. What do you mean "somebody to feed the anger"? Do you mean hww in his ear?
Yeppers.
He has someone to feed the fire when it begins to die down. So does Smokey...in those moments when our spouses may have some clarity...they are with individuals who have a serious investment in their remaining angry.
That's not to say that our spouses aren't responsible...they are still the ones choosing to remain stuck in the muck.
But, I think what AJ is pointing out, when there's an OW or OM in the scenario, it makes things all the more trickier and full of snares.
In my case, add a big dose of drugs and the quagmire gets really thick and muddy.
Bottom Line: They are wading in molasses. And, they have someone who pours more into the vat when it runs low.
jim, bea, 2B, Heather, AJ, uR
Thanks so much. I am feeling like I am on the right path. This list consists of things I know xh is aware of. There are others he doesn't know about, but this list pertains specifically to what xh sees or knows about. The rest is all up to his imagination. Whether he is thinking about me or not.
Speaking of... his name came up tonight. I get a little agitated, but I am getting better. But here is what I was thinking as I realized it was bothering me. I am pretty much fine as long as I am not "dealing" with him. It is when there is contact or communication with me or the kids that really makes me feel the anxiety. I can feel myself moving on, otherwise.
So I was thinking, why does he want to continue to keep contact with me? Either he does not care at all (so why does he bother?) or if he does care at all, why does he contact me? Isn't it easier for him to not communicate with me so he can focus on his new life? I find it easier to move on with no contact. I just don't get why he wants to communicate with me, even if it is negative.
Here is the AMAZING news (maybe not amazing for anyone... but for me!) When I read the posts from AJ, uR and Heather today, it was a whole new experience for me. I felt like a big kid! Like I'm growing up! I don't know if you are posting to me differently or if I perceive things differently.
I will try to explain.
Before when I would read posts, I felt like I was an inch tall. Like a little kid who didn't know anything. I was so inexperienced in this, confused, lost, hurt. I felt so clueless. Everything seemed overwhelming, and I just felt so small.
Today when I read the posts, I felt more grown up. Like being talked to like friend and not a little clueless girl. I feel like I have understood the advice all along, but now I feel it. I am not saying you treated me like a clueless little girl, I just mean, I felt like one. It's like I've graduated or something and now entering higher education.
Maybe I'm just a weird-o.
Thanks guys... NY was great. Chilly?! Huh! I'm from Buffalo.
Oh, so s17 got to my brothers (20 miles from my house) around 4 this morning. He wanted to go home, but didn't have a ride. He called xh for a ride. I can't believe he called him(I wasn't upset or anything, just surprised since s17 hasn't talked to him an a couple weeks), but he did.
s17 said xh asked him if he read the email. S17 said no. Xh asked him if he was going to, s17 said, "Probably not."
Apparently xh didn't even mention the surgery or anything, just asked about the email. Of course, it does not surprise me. He has yet the b@lls to talk about anything to anyone's face.
(I am so glad I didn't waste energy on that email. He is crazy. He is looking for anything to put blame on me. ANYTHING! I am so glad I have stepped out of Crazyland. It is such a different view from the outside. A much better view!)
Then s17 went to sleep in the car. Xh had to drop off s17's friend first. After they dropped off the friend, xh said angrily to s17, "So did you forget about my birthday or chose to ignore it?" S17 told me he actually did forget and mumbled something to xh and told him he was too tired to talk about it.
It's kind of odd, Mighty. When your ex puts the lens on you, you feel the pressure. I know I did for way too long. But..
Speaking of... his name came up tonight. I get a little agitated, but I am getting better. But here is what I was thinking as I realized it was bothering me. I am pretty much fine as long as I am not "dealing" with him. It is when there is contact or communication with me or the kids that really makes me feel the anxiety. I can feel myself moving on, otherwise.
Yep. He feels it too. He feels you moving on as well. Your actions change. Your responses change.
If it's one thing I learned from the experience? You can't hide intent and emotions from your ex. They are soooooo tuned into the emotions and what you're doing they are able to see right through. And if they don't, they'll think the worst anyway and make something up
One of the reasons it took me longer was the approach I took. I was the last in line to deal with my emotions. I got a later start so to speak. I had others to worry about and a lot of other things going on that I prioritized higher. It didn't help that my ex and her husband kept harassing me (still). Eventually, I realized I needed to do it for me. The rest will have to sink or swim (they swim). As that realization grew, I kept asking the same questions you did below. Know what? I figured out it doesn't matter. Why? Because even though my ex left, blamed me yada yada, I needed to be the one to "leave" her. For my own sanity and well being. Literally.
As I started taking actions to do that, she tried even harder to put me under the microscope and apply pressure. Ever seen a seriously rage-bent person try to be happy and vent their rage on a person they cast aside? It's kind of funny really. The more I ignored the rages and accusations, the harder she tried.
And the better I got. The more I could regain my perspective on things. I could look back and see the oddities, the strangeness, the lies, the anger, the...yada.
The point is, you need that distance. You need to regain your perspective. You need to re-learn some things because they were damaged in the BD. One step after another, you put things back in their place.
Eventually you'll stop competing with him for parent of the year. You'll stop trying to prove you were "right" or that you were the victim or that...well, any of it. You'll live your life without the specter of him in it. He'll take his rightful place in your past. Your emotions that are taking so long to process right now will begin to be processed faster and faster. Emotions you thought you put to bed, will come back for one last time before they are put down permanently. It's just how it seems to work. But it will not be a sad thing per se. It'll be you moving on your journey.
While you have further to go yet, you are much further than you were. You seemed to have noticed. That's a good thing, because goodness knows you've been working hard. Don't let up on gaining the perspective. It'll come.
I strongly suggest UR's advice to determine how you're going to deal with whatever comes at you. So far you've reacted mostly. What would it look like if you planned how you were going to act, vs react? If you had the perspective that the source of the accusations and strife is a bubble off-center?
So I was thinking, why does he want to continue to keep contact with me? Either he does not care at all (so why does he bother?) or if he does care at all, why does he contact me? Isn't it easier for him to not communicate with me so he can focus on his new life? I find it easier to move on with no contact. I just don't get why he wants to communicate with me, even if it is negative.
That kind of thinking will lead you down a dark path. Just so you know. Kind of like a healing wound, you'll keep feeling a "twinge" of something every time you need to bring him up in conversation. i.e. old friends, family, etc. Just when you think you have a handle on it, a family member will bring something up about it - in a way that makes one think they are trying to figure it out. I had that happen the other day with an old friend - he was floored by what I had to say, but he let me change the subject quickly. I'm sick and tired of the story. I told him little, but it was way more than I felt like talking about. Literally a few sentences. I felt nothing about it. It was more like a news reporter reporting a story. Family knows to almost never bring it up, even jokingly, although they can. Some of it is kind of funny when you think about it
Why do they hang on and push away at the same time? Maybe somebody smarter will answer that one. From what I've seen it's because of control and anger. But maybe there's more to it that I just can't see right now. <shrug>
Buffalo? Home of the flying buffaloes? Where they get the wings?
Peace,
AJ
Mighty - I didn't realise that you had felt 'small' - sorry about that!
Anyway, here is my take on one of the reasons we get agitated - what we have gone through/are going through still in some cases, is a kind of trauma. The abruptness of the severance, the shocking change in behaviour
(And yes, I know it was apparently a long time coming, but most of us didn't see it). If you were blindsided, like most of us then you are suffering from a form of PTSD
Add in the verbal of abuse from someone who was our closest friend and lover for many many years, and it would be really odd if we could deal 'normally' with them.
I differ from AJ - in that for me, understanding what was going on really helped me to heal. I don't think one way is better, just that people approach things differently.
In any situation we normally try and see the other person's point of view, and try and seek accommodation. MLCers do not tend to respond well to this (We are not at home to Mr Reasonable!) and so it can help to understand their strange mental processes.
We will never 'understand' in the sense that the WHY may always elude us, but the knowing about their confusion, its sources, and the things it may drive them to do can help (some of) us to take it less personally. To see it as a process.
This is not the same thing as obsessing about it, and I do not think you are doing this. Their behaviour is weird by most standards, and as Job has said, a bit of them still thinks we will be there for them. Our moving on is profoundly disturbing.
Their behaviour is weird by most standards, and as Job has said, a bit of them still thinks we will be there for them. Our moving on is profoundly disturbing.
We very much agree with this ^^^
(and on the rest)
AJ
Hey AJ & bea...
I see both your points and really agree with both. I no longer try to get hung up on everything. I'm detached. I don't worry about the little things. However, like you said bea, sometimes it just helps to understand some of the mlc behaviors. Things that I've read about typical mlc behaviors and the reasons for them seem to help me. Not really in the sense that I'm obsessed over them and NEED to know. But, so I can rationalize what he may be going through and move along my path.
I really try not to let his actions affect me, and I am doing much better in that department. When I do react, I am reflecting and trying to not make the same mistake. I have thought about what and how I will make changes in my behavior as to not react.
AJ, I'm sorry that you still have to endure the projections and blame. That stinks. I guess it does become easier to let it bounce off, but it still isn't something that one should have to deal with. From the time you have spent helping me, I can tell that you are a grounded, sincere, caring, wonderful person. You don't deserve that. I'm know you have learned a lot along the way... too bad these mlcers don't always do the same. So sad.
I am acknowledging that I'm not really worried about the parenting thing anymore. I can't worry about his position as a parent. He also has no grounds to judge me. I am doing my best. I was a mess for a little bit, but I still put my kids first. Now, I feel so much stronger and I am on it with my kids. I'm not worried about what he says. What does it matter?
bea, yeah, I was blindsided. Twice. I think that's where my extreme panic and anxiety come from when I come across him unexpectedly. I think that has been my fear of seeing her unexpectedly, too. Because I know the intensity of my emotions and how I had felt I didn't know how to control them. Thanks for making that connection for me. Now, I am getting a plan. Hopefully this will help keep my emotions in check.
Just a quick question about the posts above. I feel that xh really does not care about me moving on or not. I feel like his focus has been mostly on his r with the kids. Am I missing something or is it just something he would never admit to?
Rough draft of my plan:
1. He will not get me to react. I know he is trying many avenues; not gonna happen.
2. I will not feed into anger. I will remove myself from a situation where this is happening. (Excuse me. I am not engaging in this.)
3. I will ignore unnecessary communication via text or email.
4. I was able to block his work and personal email address from my work email. (I did this after receiving inappropriate email he sent to s17 on Thursday to my work email.)
5. I will not answer phone calls. If caught off guard- I will calmly respond, but not engage in unnecessary communication.
6. In public- I will prepare myself and act calmly with my head high.
7. If caught off guard in public- stay calm. Think before reacting. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG! Keep mouth shut. Slow down movements. Be calm, confident. Don't even look.
8. Opportunity for co-parent- can't happen right now. Not unless absolutely necessary. I will not have my communication twisted to be used against me (as was done in email).
9. Regarding surgery- if attacked or blamed, "It's fine that you think that."
10. If my character is attacked- ignore or "I'm sorry you feel that way about me." Then deploy.
11. If I run into her- STFU! Stay calm! Head high. If I say something... "You have no idea the damage you've done to a family and yourself. You need to pray God forgives you." But, I am sure I won't.
(I am just trying to think of something that, just in case, I start to lose it, I have control over what comes out. Because Lord knows, I've imagined many, many other things coming out. I don't want that to happen. Maybe that's where her prayers have been- if she's smart.)
12. Focus on being the best mother I can be. Supportive, strong, loving, funny.
13. Work hard at my job. Stay focused and do best by my kiddos. Give them what they deserve.
14. Get my house together.
15. Have fun.
16. Meet new people.
17. Enjoy and appreciate the small (but most important) things.
18. Take care of myself.
19. I will not badmouth xh or hww. Their actions speak of their character. I need to focus on me- Not them. ( I will, of course, vent here!!!! I don't think there is a way around that. Sorry)
20. If, for some reason, I do have to speak with xh. I will be cordial. I will be neutral. I will remain zero. Even if I have to make a point, it will be zero. I will not show emotion.
Today, upon realization that it is, in fact, November, I could feel a twinge of nervousness (or something). Who knows when this baby is coming. It will be sooner than later.
I am realizing, as it approaches, what this really means. We are so done. He will be so intertwined in a different family. His total commitment and devotion will be there. I will no longer be considered his family. Hww will see him as her family. His devotion to her and her kids. Wow. Unreal.
BUT! I'm OK. Just passing thoughts of reality. I am happy being alone. I don't want him here. But, the thoughts are still not entirely easy. They don't linger too long, luckily. I must make a plan for Wednesday. If that baby comes Wednesday... wouldn't that be something.
You are going to be OK Mighty. Know that.
Hugs,
Heather
Mighty, it is a good plan. I think it is a good idea to have some phrase ready in case you will have to say something to ow.
What is happening on Wednesday? Did I miss something?
Good plans - don't beat yourself up if you fall off the wagon from time to time. We all do
And for the record last time I spoke to my xh he was still blaming me (over eight years on!!) So it is good to get a PMA.
As to the new baby. Babies are a lot of work. The not-very-nice bit of me would love it if the poor little soul turned out to be rather obviously not your xh's. But it did not ask for all of this, and it has hardly got the best start in life.
I think I have posted before about MLC men who have fathered more children, and gone on to regret it all. Remember that they have zero sympathetic imagination - if they had they wouldn't be behaving the way they do. Oh, and they aren't very mature either!
Sorry, Mighty. It must have been my foggy brain yesterday. I remember reading about your anniversary now. I hope the baby doesn’t arrive on that day.
I’m curious how fast xh will run from that imaginary life after reality of a newborn will set in.
2. I will not feed into anger. I will remove myself from a situation where this is happening. (Excuse me. I am not engaging in this.)
When I read your list, it seems to me that if you master this one, the rest will fall into place. Even the OW.
You could be right. He may be attacking you as a way to lower you to his level in front of the kids. i.e. "if mom is as bad as I am, then why won't you talk to me? See what she's done? See why I HAD to leave? See what she caused, and you're angry with me?" Or something like that. Kind of like a teenager that wants something and needs to bring others down to their level.
The idea that he would bash the parent of the children he wants to connect with?? Really? You could have been an axe murderer and it has no relation on the family impact he has so far caused.
That's not healthy. That's not right. That's not productive. But if you master the above, I think you'll see him more like a child in an adult body - can't figure out how to get what he wants without hurting others or bringing them down.
Either way, your list rocks!
AJ
AJ, my voice of reason...
Thanks for digging my list. It think it is how I feel MOST of the time, and I am able to follow MOST of the steps.
BUT, well.... you know...
Kind of a tough day... but a good one, too.
Kids are gone... s17 having dinner at gf house. D13 at volleyball playoffs ("working" for league playoffs every night this week until late- Sat too!)
Anniversary today... but it was OK.
So when I was at work today, a girl came in a and sat next to me. I realized it was the girl my friend knew and "was friends" with hww. She was young... like 25.
Then, anxiety skyrocketed! It is weird how it catches you off guard. But, I just stared at her for a min. Then I was thinking about how she was good friends w hww and close with her. Ugh!!!! Too close for comfort. She didn't even look at me. I got up and left.
I talked myself down and focused on my work. Then I saw her a little bit later. I caught myself really looking. She was the same "build" as described by bil. And similar... my thoughts started to take me away...
In my space... at work. I feel bad bc she didn't do anything, and I wasn't upset with her, it was just me. My own issues.
Then anniversary became a thought... not hearing from him... baby coming... everything.... I had a moment.
I try not to show my mom my emotion... she was there today subbing (recently retired from same place I work).
I had a moment. I cried a little. It doesn't happen often. It was after kids left. Just a lot coming out of the frustrations of the sitch.
When I got home, I hung with s17 & his gf for a little bit. Then talked w d13 and friends for a few before I took them to vball.
My brother stopped over for a little bit. It was just the two of us. It's not usual that the two of us are alone. It was nice. We used to be pretty close. He also had a great r with xh. We haven't talked much about it. I had a drink with him. Told him it was anniversary. We laughed a lot. We have similar personalities and are known for jokes.
It was a blessing having him stop by. It made my night. I'm good. I am aware of these blessings. God puts people in my path when I need them. Good people. Just the right people.
Then my mom called right after. We had a nice talk. We laughed, but I know she worries. She understands, very much, what some of this stuff is like.
It's a good night. I have lots to be thankful for. I know I will have these crazy emotions, but I also know I am totally capable of enjoying life.
I am really getting anxious to see just what this life has in-store for me!
Mighty,
I'm sorry you're having a tough day. The anniversary, and everything else.
I can't imagine the anxiety that goes along with everything on your plate right now. It won't always be this way.
You probably can't see it yet, but you are doing so unbelievably well. I am amazed and inspired by your strength.
You're getting though this, and feeling what you're supposed to feel. It's not fun, the hurting.
What is fun? Watching you from here, and following you as you continue to hold yourself and your family together. It's awesome to know you.
You got this, Mighty. (((((Hugs)))))
Shining.... you are the North Star.
Glad your brother came over and hung out with you.
If it's any consolation - I no longer even think about my anniversary until after the fact. This year it was about a month later before I realized what would have been my 30th had passed. Just doesn't mean anything in my current life. It'll shrink in size in your life too as your new life gets bigger.
You've been in my thoughts today.
You are an amazing lady :-)
Lots of Love,
Heather
Yeah, some of those days are tougher in the earlier parts of the trip. For what it's worth, I have to think really hard to remember what my anniversary date was. I only thought about it because you brought it up. That's a past part of life for me. A different chapter.
Funny story: when we married, a friend gave us a picture frame with the wrong date on it. It was a day early on the frame. For years, I would look at that frame and think my anniversary was a day early. After a while, I would compensate for the frame and remember to calculate it. Some awkward moments before that happened though. What can I say? I'm a guy
Ever hear the story of the Chinese farmer? The point of that tale is that you never know if an event is good or bad until much later. I think you'll see what I mean as time goes on
Glad your brother stopped by and mom called. Family can be a mixed blessing at times. I know my friends and family have been.
AJ
Oh my gosh... you guys are the best. I know that our anniversary will be an after thought eventually. Our "wedding" is actually a funny story... that's why I loved it. We got married after I got out of work one day. We didn't even have rings. It was right before he went to basic training. We had a date planned for a real wedding, but the recruiter gave the wrong date of him getting out, so it didn't happen and we had to announce to everyone that we had been married for months!
He gave me a ring after basic. It was very over priced and small, but I loved it. He was always embarrassed of it and wanted to replace it. I refused. I just remember getting it and how cute and humble he was. It was so sweet. I love it. I know he could have gotten me a rock since, but that didn't matter to me. It wouldn't have meant as much. I knew where we came from. I appreciated it.
Anyway...
I had a little breakdown tonight. It's all good. I'd rather get it out. I hated it while it was happening, but I feel like I got somewhere with it.
I had this realization. XH was my world. I loved him to my core. Unconditional love. We were best friends, we had this r that was amazing. People admired it (I still hear that). We had this amazing connection. I thought it was irreplaceable.
So the thought to some other woman laying down with my husband hurts. But I realize it was totally superficial. It made them feel good and feel better about themselves. But, again, totally superficial. They didn't know each other very well.
Now they are having a baby. A family. Like replacing what we had. They don't think it is superficial anymore. They think it is more.
I guess that's the heart of it. They *think* they had what we had. So easily. Makes my life seem useless. So easily replace. With..... someone.. like........that......
I guess that's the crux of it. Something so superficial takes away from my life. Our sharing of kids, me being the mother of his children, sharing a life together, sharing a family. Sex... superficial sex... took that away. What was so important. The most important thing. My family. A new family. Taking away my family to make THAT family.
Maybe I can't explain it now the way I was realizing it earlier. But I'm trying. That's what's important to me now. Making sense of these crazy and overbearing emotions. I have got to make sense of them so I can put them in check and move on from them.
I just feel so annoying. It seems like I'm beating a dead horse. I know. But I also know I have to do this. I have to make sense of it. Process it. Feel it. Accept it. Move on from it.
Peace.
I don't know what I'd do without this forum. Seriously. Gratitude.
Mighty, I completely get what you wrote. The love you had, to your core, the unconditional, you definitely had a connection.
M, that was real. Your love for each other was real. It happened. Your feelings were real. Your memories are always going to be real. It was exactly as you said. No one can take that away from you. Not ever.
I understand the feeling of the new R with hww, somehow "cheapening" what you had. IMO, just because they're having a baby, it doesn't make their R more connected than yours was. Their mess happened under some less than desirable circumstances. Lies. Cheating. Selfish selfishness. Not even close to what you had.
Might, I'm sorry you feel that what they did makes your life seem useless. You are not easily replaced. In fact, you are irreplaceable, and xh knows this. He does.
I am the least violent person I know...however, I hurt for you so much sometimes, I want to come through the screen to your city, have at it with your xh and teach him a "real good southern lesson." I don't even know what that is, but it sounded tough.
They are fools. Xh can't put toothpaste back in the tube. Xh can't appear to be wrong, or have made a mistake. After all the destruction he left in his wake...he has to prove to himself and the world that he was right. Whatever he acts like, whether he's happy or not, it doesn't change who you are, or what you do.
As far as what they're thinking about whether their R is real or not, who knows. By my definition, what they did is not love. It is not a R built on anything but lies and selfishness. I know timelines are taboo here, and I am no psychic. However, I would be shocked if it lasts beyond 2-3 years. It certainly could. Just my .02
So, I'm not going to tell you to not think of them today. You know how this works, and you know it's not where you want to live. It's not where you want your attention.
You are human. It's natural to wonder these things. It would be weird if you didn't, Mighty.
This turn of events has affected your life, and changed things forever. I would be EXACTLY the same way if it was me. Of course you think about the baby issue for now. Give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. And let it wash over you. Just keep reminding yourself it can't stay this way if you are to heal. You will get there. I'm certain.
Ok, no more focus there.
How's your kitchen coming along?
Wooop, woop! Getting plans and pics next week for the kitchen! Yes! I have said every day since Sunday (to the kids), I can't wait to see the pictures of what the kitchen is going to look like! It's no joke. My kitchen is now 42' by 13'. It is so long. I don't even have that big of a house. I live in a little cape. My kitchen is like most of it now! Haha! So glad you asked. REFOCUS! The owner (founder)of a local and popular kitchen place married one of my mom's friends recently. He came over and is making the plans. It should be done in a week. Woo hoo!
Let's have a party when it's done! I can't wait!
See what you did there? REFOCUS!
Gotta say... some crying tonight. Not normal for me. But I'm glad, cause there is some junk in there I wanna get rid of. Just don't know how. Lettin it go. Figuring it out. Then kids come and make me laugh.
S17 was all concerned about a group of boys d13 hangs out with. Apparently, good boys gone bad. Yikes! Close eye out. Glad s17 is stepping up and laying it down for d13.
I have had some angels put in my path. I am fully aware of it. I know when it happens. Blessings. Shining... you are one. (wink, wink AJ, Heather, uR, bea)
Oh, and, wink wink...kml===== angel wings? Did you ring a bell? (Or was that just your band?)
Sorry... HUGE It's A Wonderful Life fan. (Pretty much anything Christmas...)
And all you peeps... this is why you don't mention names in speeches... you would feel awful to forget someone you really appreciate... grrrr...
I appreciate everyone who has given me thought and positive feedback. I LOVE it all!
Mighty, I was thinking about you today. Post your feelings as much as you want. This is the way to get them processed and move on. I know I needed to do this. I agree with Shining about the timeline. I would not even give it 3 years thought.
Sorry, cannot post more. Just so tired tonight.
I feel ya, Bright. Sometimes I just get so tired....
So glad you stopped by. I love to hear from you. I'm just having a night. I'm gonna have it. That's that! Tomorrow is another day. I know I will be good tomorrow.
I am so glad to hear you are meeting some new people, Bright. That's awesome. One of my goals. I'm really glad for you.
And, again, see why I shouldn't mention "names"?! Bright's my girl! Shining Bright! Love it! "Shine Bright like a Diamond!" Now all we need is a "diamond"... sounds like a dancer... hmmmm... I need to get my kitchen done somehow.... hmm..... ha! JK, late, tired, silly....
GN!
Mighty's "New Kitchen, No Bit-chin' " party!
I'm so there.
I'll pick up uR. We'll bring bacon.
And yeah.... I saw what I did there.
.
Lol....I did the math. Your kitchen is as big as my first house!!!!
Yesterday is gone... Today is a new day.
When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do after I shut off my alarm on my phone is read my daily message on an app. It is "Inspirations" and I read it before I get out of bed.
After a tough & emotional night, this is what I read first thing this morning:
Psalm 147:3-6
He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds. He counts the number of the stars. He calls them all by their names. Great is our Lord, and mighty in power. His understanding is infinite. The LORD upholds the humble. He brings the wicked down to the ground.
Hey Sweetie. I so get what you mean that you have to process stuff in order to let it go.
The thing with this is that this crisis makes it near impossible to understand. I mean we can say we understand it, but, we really cant because we arent in one.
What you had with your xh was real, M. Dont allow what they have done to taint your memories. They are yours.
The foundation of what they have is the breaking up of a family. It is built of lies and cheating and deceit by two broken people. It is a house of cards, destined to fall down. A relationship cannot sustain when that is its foundation.
But that doesnt matter. Not in any real sense. Because the truth is that what matters - is you.
You dont have any control of that mess. The only thing you can control is yourself. You have such power in all of this. You get to decide how you are going to act and who you are going to be...regardless of his actions and words.
The ow....she doesnt matter, M. Not one bit. Dont give her such importance by letting her get into your head.
You are an amazing woman, Mighty. Really and truly.
Yeah - and give yourself a break, Mighty. You've had a lot less time to process this than most, given that it was so sudden and so complete. Most people at least have a while to get used to the idea of OW before having to adjust to the OW being pregnant. You got hit with the triple whammy all at once and a certain amount of PTSD is to be expected.
However - also remember that you may have been given a gift, you just don't know it yet. My ex always saw me through a hyper-critical lens (the same one he turns on himself, btw). I remember him commenting about a photo from our honeymoon about the saddlebags on my thighs (I'm 5'6" and weighed about 120 lbs at the time - actually underweight for me lol).
Now I have a man in my life who sees me through metaphorical "beer goggles" 24/7 - in his eyes I'm a goddess who can do no wrong, and every inch of me is perfect. It's delightful and I'm so glad I get to experience this kind of love.
Hopefully life has similar delights in store for you.
Holy Cow! A 42 foot long kitchen?
Oh--the parties we could have--maybe some Bowling? With Blacklights and DayGlow paint?
"Quit'cher Bitchin!'" in a nice plaque over the stove.
And maybe, "A$$HATS Allowed Only at the Discretion of the Management."
Mighty, you're a tough cookie.
---(G)GGG
Yeah - and give yourself a break, Mighty. You've had a lot less time to process this than most, given that it was so sudden and so complete. Most people at least have a while to get used to the idea of OW before having to adjust to the OW being pregnant. You got hit with the triple whammy all at once and a certain amount of PTSD is to be expected.
Dittoooooooo...I agree with Ellie.
Might, you have had some huge realities to swallow all at once. In most situations, there are months and years between all of the truths you've been burdened with.
Go easy on yourself. And, like Ur said...don't diminish or underestimate the relationship you had. I think Bea said it so well when she said that ours isn't a situation where the marriage broke down...it's the experience of loving a person who broke down. Remember how Shining's ex told her that it wasn't humanly possible to be the wife he needed.
This is where we each have to rally on our own journey, to avoid taking this rejection personally. It's so hard to do, but it's possible with some diligence and patience and kindness to ourselves.
Love to you...you made through yesterday!!
"New Kitchen, No Bit-chin' " party!
Love that.
Quote from uR:
You dont have any control of that mess. The only thing you can control is yourself. You have such power in all of this. You get to decide how you are going to act and who you are going to be...regardless of his actions and words.
Yup. This is what my brain tells me most of the time. I'm getting there. Well... I will get there. I think I can, I think I can...
kml:
However - also remember that you may have been given a gift, you just don't know it yet. My ex always saw me through a hyper-critical lens
I see the gift. I appreciate more often now. That lens... is no good.... does not benefit anyone. I am enjoying not having a lens on me- at all. So glad to hear bout those beer goggles. That is awesome!
GGG:
Holy Cow! A 42 foot long kitchen?
Oh--the parties we could have--maybe some Bowling? With Blacklights and DayGlow paint?
"Quit'cher Bitchin!'" in a nice plaque over the stove.
And maybe, "A$$HATS Allowed Only at the Discretion of the Management."
GGG! What am I doing wasting my time having professionals come in here helping me with this design! You laid it all out for me right there! Plans- done.
Heather:
I think Bea said it so well when she said that ours isn't a situation where the marriage broke down...it's the experience of loving a person who broke down. Remember how Shining's ex told her that it wasn't humanly possible to be the wife he needed.
Hokey Pokey rhythm and clap, "That's what it's all about."
When I blocked xh email addresses at work I just see that it goes to my junk folder. (I like the sound of that- junk email- exactly right.)
I see he sent an email yesterday. The subject said "[s17]"
Xh: Failing three classes.
Today
Subject "football banquet"
Xh: did you get a form to complete?
Money & reservations are due today. He is on the same email list as me and knows this. I sent it in along w my payment for the ticket. S17 said he didn't want xh to go, but that's between them. I didn't say anything. I figured they could work it out or xh could reply to email and figure it out.
Then I get a text: Did you get a form for the football banquet.
Me (at my convenience): yes
Xh: Did u add me?
Me: No. I figured you could make your own arrangements. I don't like being in this position & don't get involved. Sorry.
Xh: Haha.. Don't get involved??? You are the source
Xh: Haha.. Don't get involved??? You are the source
^^^^^ Par for the course.
Blame blame blame... Because it can't be him.
I know you know that, too:). Sometimes it's fun reading it over and over and over... It's not about you. It's broken inside of him.
I'm sorry you're getting those comments. It's normal to feel upset by those. Then, let them roll off like water on duck feathers.
By the way, I think you handled the text beautifully. Good girl!
Soooo.... The Kitchen Party...
((((Hugs)))))
Hey Mighty,
Don't let that stuff bother you one little bit. He is the "source" of his own problems with his S17 and is just a coward for not facing that reality. What I want to know is why on earth he would EVER think you would include him in ANYTHING. He wants to have a new life without you, he can start taking care of things on his own. Better yet, if he so needs someone taking care of things for him, let him get his new woman to start taking care of his chit! I bet that would go over really well!
I really, really don't like your ex. He is such an a$$hat! He makes all men look bad. Hope all went well on the medical front for you. Stay strong and keep your head held high!
Shining:
Blame blame blame... Because it can't be him.
I know you know that, too:). Sometimes it's fun reading it over and over and over... It's not about you. It's broken inside of him.
I'm sorry you're getting those comments. It's normal to feel upset by those. Then, let them roll off like water on duck feathers.
By the way, I think you handled the text beautifully. Good girl!
Soooo.... The Kitchen Party... laugh
Eh... no worries. Part of the game, I guess. I'm not really bothered. I think at this point, I'm not even going to respond AT ALL to his texts. I've cut off the emails. And there is no way I'm even going to bother. I mean, really.... what's the point?!
Kitchen Party..... can't WAIT until it's done!!!!! Hopefully the plans will be here soon. Then.... trying to figure out how to get it done! My brother has recruited some guys to hang drywall and stuff. It's literally just the frame right now. It gets so cold in the winters (hello... Buffalo!) I've had to put plastic up the last two winters. I hope to get the electrician in when the plans are done then the insulation.
It's a really high ceiling, so having a group of guys will be helpful.
Matt:
Don't let that stuff bother you one little bit. He is the "source" of his own problems with his S17 and is just a coward for not facing that reality. What I want to know is why on earth he would EVER think you would include him in ANYTHING. He wants to have a new life without you, he can start taking care of things on his own. Better yet, if he so needs someone taking care of things for him, let him get his new woman to start taking care of his chit! I bet that would go over really well!
I really, really don't like your ex. He is such an a$$hat! He makes all men look bad. Hope all went well on the medical front for you. Stay strong and keep your head held high!
Join the friggin club! Naw, it really doesn't bother me so much. Denial, denial... it is not going to help his cause. Not at all. S17 is so keen with that. I think that's been his biggest issue- that xh hasn't been accountable for anything.
It looks to me like xh is trying to engage in an argument with me. Over and over. He is really poking.... I think it's kind of funny. There is no way I would fall for that. It was a struggle to adjust, but now, eh...
There are some smart@$$ comments I would love to drop... but you know.... I'm better than that (hahaha- err, maybe I just know better in this sitch!
)
But yeah, c'mon. Especially after the email he sent, he really expects me to include him and handle that for him?! Give me a break.
If he were so happy, he wouldn't be trying to engage me into an argument. He wouldn't be wasting his time trying to get me to do things he is capable of doing.
He is looking to blame me for anything he can. In the past year, the kids have not spent more than 12 hours with him at a time. In the past 6 months, the kids haven't spent more than 4 hours with him at once.
Now, because s17 JUST found out about my surg, everything is my fault. Hello, clueless. Hello, denial. Good bye, h!
And on top of that, d13 has no idea about surg, but she doesn't want to see him still. Soooooo?????
It's all a joke. Really. I am the source. Of what???? I know exactly what he is the source of... many things. One thing my dr told me. Scientific evidence! Ummmm.... my fault.
I'm having a pretty good weekend. I really haven't done much gal, but it has been productive. I am finding more energy and looking forward to things. Getting my house together, and I am excited for the holidays.
I went for a run yesterday, which I hadn't done in awhile. (It wasn't really by choice. S17 left w my car in the morning to take sat exam. His counselor called me as they were starting and said he didn't have his ID. Since he had my car, I figured I'd be a good opportunity for a nice run! He was very thankful, btw.)
Kids have been doing very well. They had lots going on this weekend. S17 appears to have turned a corner. I can see it, feel it, and he expresses it, too.
With that said, s17 has also been opening up with me a little bit about things. He is asking questions about xh and vocalizing his disgust with his behavior. I have know this all along, as s17 is not afraid to make comments which show his anger. He is now opening up and having conversations about it. I try to remain neutral. The truth hurts, though. There isn't a good way to put a spin on this to make it seem like some love story that ended happily for all. I keep it minimal, but let him express his feelings. I try to give him different perspectives which will help him not take things personally and just release some of the negative feelings. He just has nothing good to say about xh, hww, or any of their sich. Who does?
He really is such a good kid. He has an amazing heart. We really have an amazing r. He and d13 have become so close, too. We were always a close family, but they had that bro-sis banter. But they have connected on a different level. One that is theirs and theirs only. It is nice to see.
S17 felt really good about the exam. He is really a very, very smart kid. I feel sad for him that his "important" years of hs have been a disaster and he feels he has seen what he thought was his future go down the tubes. It is one thing for me to see what I though was my future go down, but for him, it has affected every facet of his life. The future of his family, his sports, and, his schooling opportunities.
But I think he is starting to see that there is still a path to happiness and success, it just isn't the one he had planned. Just tough for a kid that age to figure out. And a lot to figure out. All while dealing with.... everything.
I am feeling like I am on the path for some serious sorting out. I'm gonna keep posting as I work through this. It has been the most helpful.
Hey! Diggin Deep!!
Worst case scenario, he can go to community college, get straight As there and then transfer to do his last two years wherever he wants.
Yeah, it's a fine line between letting them vent and encouraging them to have a relationship with their parent. I have one kid like this. I try to point out that I think multiple concussions may have played a role in some of his dad's behavior; his response is that dad is just "selfish". And I can't really argue with that, because there's a lot of truth to it. I just do my best to listen, encourage compassion, and let him see that I'm doing well.
I'm taking a moment to go back to the email. I don't believe s17 has read it. Xh is clearly out of his tree. Xh was frequently texting me about updates w kids. When things were good, I would state just that. I never really got into detail. In fact, when xh would go off about grades, I would try to soften the blow. I didn't want xh going after the kids. It wouldn't help them. Just add more stress for them.
The week I found s17 stash and I came home and he had gotten into some mess, I was clear he wasn't going anywhere, and I took the door off from his bedroom. Hey, gotta do what you gotta do.
Then s17 wanted to go out. I was clear and said that it wasn't going to happen. He became really upset. Big time. Flipping out. I remained calm, but I did say that he was being dramatic.
Next thing I know, he said he was leaving w xh, and off they went. I sent xh a text letting him know what was going on. He said, OK, thanks.
Later, I told s17 that I had informed his dad. I always let s17 know when I was going to tell his dad about anything. I didn't want to lose s17's trust, but I was clear that it was something he should know. S17 was always fine with it. And outside of this crazy circumstance, s17 knows right from wrong and never questioned me telling xh. Again, my communication with xh is very minimal. When he asks, I usually let him know. When it was serious, I let him know.
This was difficult to continue to communicate since I was blown off so many times while he was w hww. And when things were VERY SERIOUS with s17, I mean, bad... I did reach out to xh. He blew me off for 36 hours and then sent a text asking what was wrong. I told him we needed to talk, not through text. He blew me off for another day- turns out he was on the cruise with hww. Priorities. Things like this happened on several occasions. I learned to deal on my own. It was hard enough to handle the situation here, but then have to deal with xh and his shenanigans and face the fact that he wasn't stepping up as a father, was just something I didn't need to deal with. So I went it alone.
Since s17 called his dad that night, I needed to tell him what was going on, which is why I texted him.
Now in the email to s17, xh quoted my text to him. (I don't find anything wrong with what I sent, and I know s17 wouldn't either. Xh is crazy.) "S17 was xxx when I got home from d13 game. He's mad I won't let him go out." Then he informed s17 that I sent a pic of his stash. He asked what it all was. I told him.
In the email to s17, right after he quoted my text messages he told s17 - in bold- "This is a clear attempt to create an argument between you and me. Your mom is angry with me and it appears she will do whatever it takes to destroy my relationship with you and d13. I never hear any positive things from her, only negative things when she feels threatened by our relationship. Now I see why she took it to the next level with hpv."
Then...
"You should know some additional facts" (then bullets things I did as a teen, BUT they are all totally inaccurate )
Blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda
"S17 there is always two sides to every story and you can take this for whatever you want. I will not engage in bashing your mother anymore, just needed to tell my side. This is VERY ridiculous that these conversations are being held with you and that I also need to have with d13. Your mom is on this email too, I will not take a back door approach. I love you so much and miss you."
OK, those are just some of the fabulous things he sent to my son. Aahhh... what a knight in shining armor. What a stand up guy.
The only reason I am going back to this email is so I can digest the fact that it is coming from a very lost and confused person. I don't know this person. He is not a father. I don't know what, nor do I want to.
It is good though, because it shows me that I don't have any reason to contact him unless it is a 911 emergency. I will not communicate any more.
I did on Friday with the texts about the banquet, and I got some spewing about being the "source" of this.
Done. I'm done with this. Not angry at all about it. It is cut and dry.
Thanks, kml. I am sure s17 will set out on the right path. He is learning a lot of life's lessons right now. Hopefully it will make him better in the end.
He said to me a little while back that he was scared. I asked why. He said bc of his grandpa and dad. He was worried he'd end up like them. I reminded him that he said he was better than that. He said, "Dad said the same thing."
I felt so bad, but encouraged him to keep working on himself and if he ignores things and doesn't work through them, that they come back haunt you later. I expressed that I was so proud of the effort he was putting into facing the issues and working through them. That he is taking care of it now so that it doesn't come back down the road in ways he doesn't understand. He has never respected his grandfather. He saw through him as a little kid. His dad, he thought the world of. It broke my heart. Still does.
I can see what your son is upset about and why he needs to vent. You are really doing well if he feels he can tell you those things, Mighty.
Of all the things your son was robbed of, having a strong father during his hs years is the one he'll miss the most. The rest of it? He learned long ago and a few experiments won't change that knowledge.
Being forced to be an adult by your parent is not pleasant and causes quite a bit of resentment. I watched that with my daughter and it has been unpleasant to say the least.
As for the comments etc your ex has made via text? Can I suggest two things: 1) don't allow him to text you any longer. Text is incredibly informal mode of conversation and it won't ever be worth doing with him unless he figures himself out. It just won't and that's pretty obvious from his response. Block his texts and force him to use email. Don't tell him first - he can call or he can email - nothing else.
Which leads to the second suggestion - 2) can you shorten your responses back to your ex when he asks about things like the football banquet? On the one hand he is asking if you have done something and included him and on the other he is telling you that you are the problem that (presumably) caused him to leave. The human mind is a funny thing. It will try very hard to protect itself. It is trying to protect itself from the societally learned "right and wrong" that he clearly walked all over. That's not even a conscious item most likely. But it's tearing him up (obviously). Your responses, while normal for any normal person (I would appreciate a detailed message like that) are not something he'll be able to process in a healthy way. You likely noticed.
Instead, maybe you can shorten it to just "yes" "no" or "that doesn't work for me" or "no, I did not" and then go radio silent. Your ex has the protective shell of a high-schooler at the moment - and the desire to "prove" to everyone (much like your desire to prove) how it's all you. The difference is, he is the one that left with the floozy and he's not in high-school
You have nothing to prove whatsoever and in fact, as an adult, if you are quiet he'll find he has enough rope to hang himself (metaphorically speaking).
Keep listening to your kids, Mighty. I think that's a great use of your time, to be honest. Way better than letting ex have any headspace.
How's the upcoming surgery plans coming along? All's well on the eastern front I hope.
AJ
Mighty - you are getting stronger with each post. You may not realize it but to someone reading your posts it is obvious. I have teenagers and watching them experience this is heartbreaking. H is not in contact much with them. Just a random text now and then. So far they are choosing not to respond. I am trying to stay neutral and unemotional but it is all new so I admit I am not perfect at detachment.
The kids being older is a blessing and a burden. They should have a separate relationship with their father but this is a time when they are becoming young adults and forming opinions about marriage and family. For all their lives family meant one thing and now that one thing has been destroyed.
My D's are upset with H because he is treating the women in his life so poorly. I feel such a responsibility to show them strong boundaries. I want them to feel empowered.
I imagine you are tired of finding the balance between Detachment and Empathy. You are walking a tightrope but you ARE doing it. You are walking it Mighty. Hang in there.
You might buy your son a copy of The Four Agreements or some similar book on how to live as a man of integrity. It might calm his fears of repeating their mistakes if he can see there are ethical roadmaps out there.
Hey Mighty, you are sounding good.
My son was 16 when this started. Tough for someone on the cusp of becoming a young man to have this happen. I am not going to lie, he lost his footing for awhile.
While you have extenuating circumstances, I just wanted to tell you what I did. I listened when my son needed to talk. But I also told him that what happened is between his father and I. I said that while I understood his anger and disappointment, he was still his father and that their relationship was theirs to forge. I told him that his job was to concentrate on school.
I did not ever say a bad word about his father. Not one. I did not make a face, roll my eyes or anything else while in my son's presence. (I wont say what I did in private...LOL)
As far as your xh. Do not engage. If you feel that you have to answer...as AJ says, keep it short and to the point. When he asked if you included him...a simple no. That's it. End of convo. Because clearly he is cray cray and you dont need to deal with that.
You get to show your son and daughter how to navigate through life's tough parts with dignity and strength and courage.
Damn it! I hate my laptop. It is so on the fritz.... UGH! I was just finishing up my post to each of you. GGGRRRRR..... gone. It flakes on me. Par for the course.......
OK, AJ, you are right. I thought I had the short & sweet down like a master. After I sent that text, I knew, I had too much, even though it was like two sentences.
But, I was so frustrated. I knew by saying "no" it was making me the b! I hate that. I was trying so hard to be neutral. But I realize it still had emotion in that.
The tables have turned. I have not given one reason so far for real projection. I have stepped aside and given him exactly what he wanted. I went out of my way and gone against my internal grain to stfu and show pma.
The "source' he is referring to is that I am now to blame for his r with the kids. That is bc s17 knows about surgery. Well, it is obvious that is not the reason for their r. I could give a thousand examples why, but that's not the point.
Now, for the first time, xh feels that he has a reason to blame me. I hate that. I know it is not true, so I really don't give it energy. But I feel slightly compelled to say that. But it is not an overwhelming compulsion to do so. It just slightly changes the dynamic. I now get the spew and blame.
Regardless, I am feeling better than ever. I am at a place that I dreaded for so long. I was quite fearful of reaching the place of being beyond xh. Not that I'm better, but I see myself as better. Not than him, but being a better person without him. I didn't want to get to the place of not wanting him back. But.... well...
I am also to a place where I am accepting things. I did want that. I was so nervous about the baby. I just wanted to be ok for when it happened. When I found out, I knew it would take a lot of work to be prepared for when this baby arrives. I am feeling so much better about it.
I had a really good weekend. I didn't go out or do anything, but I was so productive with change around here.
I made some adjustments to my bedroom. I love it. Nothing major, but made it my own.
I am loving myself. Really. I am being so much more of me. I am enjoying being with me. It is so weird and different. And, I am getting to a place I was really afraid of reaching.... but I love it.
I have had a few moments, granted, this weekend. But, I don't let them consume me. No way. Why would I let crazy take over me? I don't like that mess. I didn't chose that mess. I don't need to live that mess.
I am me. I like me. It's all good.
AJ, you are so right with the messages. I blocked my work email, and I refuse to get that crap sent to work (even though it does- just to junk mail). And I don't want to talk to him on the phone. No way. Not worth it. I am working this part out. Right now, I would prefer my personal email for communication. But I don't see a reason right now.
Gwen, this stuff with the kids. Yuck. It is not fun. My d13 seems to take it more in stride, but she really does not have time for xh. She just feels bad so replies to his texts sometimes. They hate when he communicates. It is stressful to them. I know the feeling. Poor babes.
kml- thanks so much for the book recommendation. I will check that out. He is open minded to that stuff. I need to find something he will connect with.
Yes... I feel free and happy. I feel like I understand the high road. I am OK. I will be good. I am learning what I want in life. What I had with xh is not it. That is so tough to say. I loved what we had... that was so long ago. I don't think he even remembers that.... so.... it couldn't happen again.
Mighty - regarding your son - we all do it a little differently. My bomb drop was years ago, and my youngest son is now grown up, but then he was 18 and it set him back, no question.
It was important to my son that I was authentic, and he once said, several years down the line, that if I had cared as little as his father appeared to care about the marriage and his family, he couldn't have coped.
Our grief ad hurt shows them that there really was a relationship, and that their parent changed. My xh didn't even go to his son's recent wedding, if you can believe it, although he was asked.
We all think that there is something very much the matter with my xh, that he changed, doesn't act as if he ever cared about us, and we are sad about it. I do not say bad things, but I do express my frustration at times - like the most recent attempt to sue me. ALl too much after all of this time. We are not saints, all we can try to do is behave like decent truthful people.I went through a period of encouraging my children to be kind and friendly to their father, but after he had rejected them all again, throwing it back at them I realised it really wasn't my business at all.
They are adults, and it is up to them. They would like a relationship but right now it doesn't seem possible, sadly.
Bea, I agree with you about taking a more honest approach with older kids. I have seen many friends have regrets about "protecting their older kids from the truth at all costs." The reality is that older kids don't feel protected in those situations and often times you are perceived as an extreme avoider or even lying to them.
I try to be neutral as much as possible but when it comes to the big stuff I am honest about the facts and that I may be sad or angry. I also tell them that we won't dwell in anger or bitterness. I think that approach has served us really well even though we are pretty new to all this. My kids have seen me upset but it passes quickly and there is such a level of trust among us. I think they really, really feel secure in that trust.
Hi Mighty,
About the older kids....My D19 was in her Sr. year when my W dropped the bomb. It really hurt her in so many ways. Every plan she had made went away and she was left to fend for herself. She watched as her mother made EVERYTHING about HER, was always finding some reason she was the victim, the martyr so to speak since she was always so unhappy. She acted and said the most ridiculous things in front of her. She spoke to her like she was a teenager herself and it freaked her out. D19 had to make a choice to either put her life on hold or strike out on her own and she choose to be her own person. She is working so hard and saving for college and a car. She has had to grow up overnight because her mother can't think of anyone but herself.
Her relationship with me is great. She feels she can be honest with me and doesn't need to act different than who she is. With her mother she gets so angry because her mother tries to tell her all the things she is doing "wrong", how she should be doing this or that and it makes her angry because she see's a person who can't even handle her own life let alone tell her how to live hers! My W keeps telling her how she should move in with her but because my W wasn't thinking at all about her when she moved, she made a bedroom into an "office" that according to her sister she has never used once since she moved instead of a bedroom for D19. To live there she would need to share a bedroom with her 14 year old sister. She wouldn't have a car and there are no buses. She would have to depend on her mother and she KNOWS she can't. She couldn't when she was in high school, why would she now?
My W is acting towards D19 like her father acted towards her when she was the same age. Either do what I think is right or I'm not going to be part of your life. My W hated her father for this but she is doing the same thing to her own D now. To tell your 19 year old who is working 60 hours a week and barely making it that she can't afford $10 for gas so she can come visit when my W is making so much money is just sick to me. What is the point? To tell her D19 how wrong she is instead of telling her how proud she is that she is working so hard. To act like D19 should just not have any hurt from the fact that her family has been torn apart. To expect D19 to be GLAD her mother has finally left her father so she can be happy. To put her father who has never wanted to be a part of any of her families lives AHEAD of her own D. These are all things she see's her mother doing and just doesn't understand why.
My D19 still loves her mother. She wants so badly for her mom to accept her and love her for who she is but all she gets is her mom telling her what she needs to do before she will accept and love her. All she gets is her mother telling her what a burden she is. It's up to you to be there for S17. To show him that he still has a parent who loves him for him. Someone who understands that his life has been so changed by forces he has no control over (just like your own). He needs to know that he can escape the crazy with you. I think you are doing a great job so far. keep doing what you are doing and he will be fine.
Wow, wow, wow! Thanks bea, Gwen, and Matt. It is clear that it is really a struggle for the older kids. They are aware of the hurt and destruction.
It is a fine line, and I am so glad you guys understand. There is only so much we can protect them from. I am glad that your son shared that with you, bea. I do think it is important for our kids to know that this is devastating. We can be sad and upset, but still be strong. I think it is safe to say that for our kids to express themselves and emotion takes a certain amount of strength. Don't bury it! We see what happens when you do that! It ain't pretty!
Great point also about the kids seeing that it is upsetting for a family to break up like that. Otherwise they will probably question the importance they placed on their own family, causing them to question everything. I think in a way, s17 has already questioned that bc his foundation crumbled, by choice, of the person he looked up to and was supposed to be his leader and protector. I want him to know it's upsetting and not right.
Gwen, I like your approach with your kids. I agree with being honest. I try to keep my kids from knowing any gory details. Really, they don't talk about it too much. So when they do, I just try to make them comfortable and try to get them understand that it is not about them. I listen and don't really say much except to guide them the way I have and what has helped me.
Matt, there are many similarities here. Someone said to me before, maybe kml, that the s in mlc tends to gravitate or become closer with one of the kids. Before nuke, when kids were still seeing xh, the stronger r was with s17. Then xh moved into his 2nd apt, he didn't even get a room for d13. He set up a bedroom for s17 and nothing for her. She stayed there once. Then made a comment about it to me and never went back. Then, less than 2 months later, he bought a house w hww. A 3 bedroom house. One for the happy couple, one for hww's toddler, and one for the unborn baby.
What about my kids? Can you imagine buying a house with bedrooms for someone elses kid and not your own? He told someone that he would build bedrooms in the basement. Nice. An after-thought. And this mother buying a house like this when she hadn't even met his kids. Ugh.
Now that s17 isn't speaking with xh, xh has been putting more effort into d13. Before he would text her only at night, but text s17 all day. Now he texts her all day. She responds sometimes. Not everyday.
The one thing about this whole deal, with the kids. Now that s17 knows about my surg... well... I don't know. It is the one thing that bothers me now. XH feels he has a reason to blame me for his problems with the kids. Before, I did everything I could to keep my nose clean. Now, a year later, he is using this as a reason to blame me. But, I have to say, I was not going to lie to my s and risk losing my integrity and trust to protect.... them. I kept it honest, but objective. I wasn't blaming or vindictive. It wasn't like that at all. What upset s17 the most (I think) was he asked if I told xh. I said yes. He asked if xh said anything to me about it. I said no. I could tell this bothered him. I said, in xh's defense, that there really wasn't much to say about it and I didn't expect him to. I just felt morally obligated to tell him. And that I sent it via email and that there is a chance xh didn't even see it.
Here I go.... rambling....
I have to say that things are going very well. I have made some progress in the past few days. Things are starting to bother me less. I am digesting the idea of the baby coming. I wanted so badly to do that before it happened. I am getting there. I don't even want to waste energy on it anymore. What will be, will be (Que Sera Sera!)
I am also adjusting to the idea of running into hww. It is a reality that I have to face and be prepared for.
Now, I say I am getting there and that I will be ready. When the time comes, it may not be as easy as I'd like, but, it's whatever.
My confidence is growing. I have had this giant void in my life where xh was. I am filling this void. With myself. I like it. I am seeing some things in my m that I would never want in my life again. The rose colored glasses have come of when looking at xh. I am seeing some things in him that I don't respect. I think he and hww may be a perfect fit for each other. A match made in he11. Ha!
I am making changes... changes that I really like and enjoy. I am really starting to like myself. I can see growth in areas outside of my personal life, too.
Not trying to end on a sour note, but the one thing that lingers for me currently is the fact that xh feels that he can use my surg as the "source" for his damaged r with the kids (even though d13 doesn't even know!). I debate this in my mind... things I would say. But, if I stay quite, I'm sure it will pass. There have been things I've wanted to say before, and it has passed. However, with the given opportunity, sometimes it is the right time. For example, my 25 minute purge after the emergency meeting at s17's school.
Time will tell. Hope you all are well on this beautiful fall day.
Mighty I am new so not sure about all the details of your surgery. Regardless your H's choices is the reason he has a damaged relationship with the children. That is it in a nutshell. No reason to elaborate or pontificate. That is the plain, simple truth.
You are filling the void in your life and allowing him to move forward. That is your gift to yourself and your family in spite of tremendous pain.
You are not being anything other than authentic in every way. Not perfect but authentic. That is the plain, simple truth too.
Some thoughts as I catch up. You are doing well, Mighty. Good steps in the right direction.
But, I was so frustrated. I knew by saying "no" it was making me the b! I hate that. I was trying so hard to be neutral. But I realize it still had emotion in that.
See? That's not correct, Mighty. By even responding to him you are showing graceful intent. You do NOT owe him anything. He made his choices. He made it clear he wanted to leave. He made it clear he wanted to have the affair and start a family. If not directly, then indirectly.
You are not being a b! by responding in a business-like manner. You are being more than kind and courteous. You should be. You have nothing to gain by returning his anger or playing games. Think about that next time when you respond with short, to the point answers.
The "source' he is referring to is that I am now to blame for his r with the kids. That is bc s17 knows about surgery. Well, it is obvious that is not the reason for their r. I could give a thousand examples why, but that's not the point.
Now, for the first time, xh feels that he has a reason to blame me. I hate that. I know it is not true
And since you know its not true, what's really behind that feeling? Do you really still want him to wake up and smell the coffee? It's a bit late in the day for that, ya know?
I suspect like many, you have an expectation. A sense of fairness. A need for reconciliation (not relationship necessarily). But that's not fair for you to carry that burden he handed to you. It's his burden and his to carry. No matter how he tries to hand it to you.
Hand it back, Mighty. Once you do, you may see that his anger and frustration is his own doing. The words will change. The accusations will too. But the underlying reason will remain the same for him. Look past the words, Mighty.
I was quite fearful of reaching the place of being beyond xh.
Yes! That's really the basic fear of all of this, isn't it? The fear that we walk away. Not that they do, but that we do. Once you conquer that fear...
We are not saints, all we can try to do is behave like decent truthful people.
Yes. And once you have gone through your own stuff, often with a fine toothed comb, and come out the other side, you can look back and KNOW you are not perfect but that you did your best with what you knew to do. And for the times you were less than perfect even if you knew better at the time? You learn to forgive yourself. That's a great gift!
There is only so much we can protect them from.
But there is so much we can show them about how to deal with the curve balls of life. Integrity, honesty, grace...
I am also adjusting to the idea of running into hww. It is a reality that I have to face and be prepared for.
Now, I say I am getting there and that I will be ready. When the time comes, it may not be as easy as I'd like, but, it's whatever.
It's been said that happiness lies in that place between expectations and reality, Mighty. I'm not saying become cold and distant. Far from it. But appropriate expectations are important. In this case, has it ocurred to you that she won't be anything less than nervous about seeing you? You've been worked up over this and did nothing to deserve it. Imagine what it will be like for somebody that did what she did. She knows, or will know, that she built a relationship on lies and deceit. She built a family based on that selfishness. If not now, later she will feel that burden and it will make it difficult for her to face YOU. As it should be, Mighty.
Not trying to end on a sour note, but the one thing that lingers for me currently is the fact that xh feels that he can use my surg as the "source" for his damaged r with the kids (even though d13 doesn't even know!).
Stop and think about this for a second. That's stinkin' thinkin' if I ever heard it. A little perspective: if it wasn't the surgery, arguably when you need family around you, then it would be *something* else. Believe me, he needs it to be something. I say let him blame you for the relationship because of your surgery. Let him blame you for it because of the cat being yellow.
It's not important what he chooses. Know why?
There's no magic pill, Mighty. Wish there was. But there is the hard work of working through this. And you are doing it quite well believe it or not.
Keep at it. Before you know it you'll be making new memories and not having unmet expectations of your ex.
AJ
AJ!
Oh my God.
I love you.
(Sorry nothing inappropriate) It's just.... dang... you are good!
You have gracefully helped me find me... and like me... and be OK with me.
Ugh. I can't explain it.
And shout-out to your gf. No disrespect!
Hey Mighty, you know I made my xh's ow so large in my head. She was really smart, with many degrees, owned her own successful business.
I thought I would crumble when I saw her. And then I thought, why the heck should I be worried about seeing her? I didnt do anything wrong. The reality was that she didnt have anything that I lacked. But I sure had plenty that she lacked.
So when the day came, I walked right up to her and said hello. Stuck my hand out the shake hers. And ooops, she didnt know what to do...oh my. LOL!
This accomplished woman was speechless. I wasnt, though. I made small talk and then walked away, back straight with a flip of my hair...hee hee.
Xh told me that she was really flustered and why did I make her feel that way. I said, "I cant make someone feel any way. Not my problem how she allowed herself to feel."
She cant shine your shoes, Mighty. Dont ever forget that.
I love that you did that uR. You are truly amazing. I am hoping I can be like that too. I don't know that I have it in me. But I know I am better than that garbage. Really. She isn't worth the any of my energy.
Thanks Mighty. It's ok if you cant do that. I totally understand. As long as you know that holding onto anger and hate towards her takes away from you.
She has no power, so she isnt worthy of your headspace.
You are growing and it is wonderful to see. Keep going.
You know, I consider myself very lucky that my ex's new wife is not the OW, and I moved away to a different town 45 mins away, so I am unlikely to run into them accidentally. Still, when I think about her, I actually feel kinda sad for her. After all, she is not getting the young man that I married. She is getting an aging guy almost 20 years her senior, who has had multiple concussions, whose mood issues have intensified with the years, who has a history of (repeated) infidelity, and a history of negativity and selfishness. While I hope for both their sakes that this turns out well, I rather doubt she will get half as much of the "good times" out of her marriage that I got, and she probably is clueless about the cheating etc.
uR, you are an amazing example for women to live with dignity and grace. Never would I use those words to describe myself, but, I have to say, I have felt a lot of growth and change in me lately. I like my quirky, crazy personality, but, if I could carry myself in a more mature, dignified way, it think it would show my better qualities. Thank you for being such a great role model.
kml, you, too, are an amazing example of women empowerment. Experiencing that little by little is such a good feeling. I am not like a feminist or anything. But I feel like I am embracing who I am and enjoy being a woman. I was always a tom-boy. I had older brothers and was into sports. Now, I am really finding out about what this all mean.... I am glad you found your happiness. I hope to do the same.
I can honestly say that I can't believe the progress I am feeling inside. It is like the layers are just starting to fall off. The outer core was the toughest. It got a little easier, the deeper I went.... sometimes.... maybe not seeing what was there, but working towards it. Now, I am so excited at the strides I have made this past week.
I am not sure exactly where it is coming from. Maybe God has answered my prayers. I prayed that I would be able to handle this time... with everything going on.
I have surprised myself. Everyday, things just make more and more sense! My anger is releasing. It is lifting away. Like some angel came and lifted a cloak of resentment and anger right off my shoulders when I wasn't looking.
I don't want to be a bitter angry woman. I don't want the choices others made reflect upon me. I don't want to be defined by others' weaknesses. I am me. I did what I could. I wouldn't have chosen my life to take this turn, but I am embracing it. I am happy. Often. Yes, I still get those stings. Feelings of hurt and rejection still linger. They are fleeting, though. I see my future. What I see is a big question mark. But it is exciting. This question mark is surrounded with smiles, laughter, and anticipation. Before it was dark, scary, sad, lost. I don't want to look back to that. Maybe someday, to look back at this crazy journey. Not now. I'm looking up.
I have noted recently that I was afraid of reaching this point. The point of being OK without xh. The thought made me sad and scared. I wanted him so badly that I hated the thought of not wanting him. It's weird, I know. You would think that after being rejected, betrayed, and hurt so badly by someone that you would want to get over them, ASAP! The reality though, was that it scared me. I don't know why that is. Maybe codependency? Maybe insecurity? I'm not sure. But I don't think it's healthy.
I can't really explain how amazing it feels to release that. The thought of him being here now, even for a friendly conversation, makes me feel really uncomfortable. Our marriage is gone. "Dead" is what he said. Well, he certainly killed it, whatever was left. Our friendship, which I think he wanted, is gone. I just can't. Not with her.
But here is the thing. I don't want to be angry. I had this thought in my head for a long time: once this baby was born, it was open season. I want to be clear that I wouldn't do anything really harmful. But, I had lots of rage and anger that I was going to let her in on. Now, I have no interest.
I don't want to be nasty to either of them. I will never mistreat this baby. Not ever. I do love babies. Hey! Ya'll know that, bc I was dying to have more... reversal... right?! Well, things happen for a reason. Although I really can't even look at babies or little kids now, because it feels like a punch in the gut, I am hoping that's not forever.
I want to be at a place where it is no sweat. If I had to talk to either of them, I could do it and just be me. This does not mean I would go out of my way, nor that I would give them a taste of my awesomeness for them to enjoy. I just mean that I will be the best me and give them something to think about when I walk away. Not something for them to talk about.
I used to look at these women who could pull this off, the whole composure, high road, stfu, grace... I never understood it. I didn't think that I could ever do it. Honestly, time will tell if I can or not. But I just didn't get it. I put them in a different category. Not better, just very, very different from me. Now, I see that it is better. I can still be my bad @ss self and not give them an ounce of me.
Whatever they get, I want them to think, dang, she's good.
Mighty, you inspire me. Really. I, too, was afraid of getting to that place where I really don't want anything to do with him. I'm getting there. As he continues to be the stranger that he has become - a totally different man - I realize I would not choose him for a husband today. That is sad, after being together every day for 20 years. But, I look forward to reaching the place where you are, because it's necessary for us to move on. Keep going Mighty. You're doing awesome...
I want to be at a place where it is no sweat. If I had to talk to either of them, I could do it and just be me. This does not mean I would go out of my way, nor that I would give them a taste of my awesomeness for them to enjoy. I just mean that I will be the best me and give them something to think about when I walk away. Not something for them to talk about.
I used to look at these women who could pull this off, the whole composure, high road, stfu, grace... I never understood it. I didn't think that I could ever do it. Honestly, time will tell if I can or not. But I just didn't get it. I put them in a different category. Not better, just very, very different from me. Now, I see that it is better. I can still be my bad @ss self and not give them an ounce of me.
Whatever they get, I want them to think, dang, she's good.
Mighty, you already are amazing! You can lump yourself into that category! Those last 3 paragraphs have me smiling ear to ear for you and thinking "dang, I'm gonna copy and paste that and read it every day!" that is exactly what I want to be if/when I am ever confronted with the OW or even just when I see H in the future. You go girl! (that feels so weird to type and yet, so fitting!)
Thank you for your kind words. I am really humbled by them, M.
It is not at all strange that you were frightened of getting to where you are. This isnt how it was supposed to go. He wasnt someone who was supposed to betray you. Yet you were holding onto what you knew. That's our comfort zone. The life we know. The spouse we love. We know how to do that.
Taking the leap of faith to let go of that is scary. We dont really know, at the beginning, where we are going to land.
It's all a process, this. While none of us wanted this, none of us saw it coming; we are given this amazing opportunity. We get to start anew. We get to go back to thinking about who we are and what we want.
When we begin to make changes, slowly at first, with trepidation, trying on this new person, it is scary. And then, eventually we become who we were meant to be.
We learn that no one can make us happy and it must come from within. When that happens, the real healing begins.
As I grew stronger, I realized that the way for me to find peace was to be true to me and to be my authentic self always.
So, that's what I did - even when I met her. I was me..hair flip and all. LOL!
Be you, Mighty. Choose joy. Life is what you make it. Make yours great. Not because of what happened...but in spite of what happened.
Text from xh. He said I need to be prepared in case he loses his job. The text was full of errors, which is not usual for him & a little difficult to follow (jargon), but I got the gist. Consult company there taking out mgmt. "no one is safe" they were told.
Don't know how serious this is or he is looking for a reason to text, but his communication is not normal vernacular.
If I lose support, I am in big trouble. I will lose my house & there are no good apts where I live that are affordable for me & kids.
I responded: I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it works out for you... I know you are good at your job.
Xh: thanks
Don't know what to say - let us hope it all goes well. MLCers do not deal well with any kind of shock, and I cannot imagine that OW will be thrilled!!
Well, he just might have to sell HIS house and cars so he can pay his child support. It's NOT optional.
Yes, if he ends up in a lower-paying job he might be able to get his child support reduced - hopefully he will not be on the chopping block, but if he is, well, you'll just have to take it one day at a time.
May I recommend a couple of excellent resources for reducing your expenses right now - may help you to build up an emergency fund:
- The Tightwad Gazette books by Dacyzyn. Great creative ways to save money and still do fun artsy stuff with your kids
- MrMoneyMustache website and forum - will really make you think about ways to save money and reduce expenses.
How does this affect your plans to finish fixing up your house? If you DO end up in a position eventually where you have to sell, you need the house to be finished so you can get top dollar for it. But you also need to be saving up a serious emergency fund. Is there an extra bedroom you could rent out? Any way to earn extra money on the side? Will you still get any child support for S17 after he turns 18, or was that going to go away anyway?
Your ex must be soiling himself right now - new house, new baby coming, child support to pay, and now the threat of losing his job? And yes, OW probably isn't going to be too happy when sugar daddy isn't a sugar daddy anymore.
Oh, and the bad grammar on his message - could he be drunk texting?
Mighty,
I've been at the low where you can't make mortgage payments because of a lack of support. I survived and can help you avoid the mistakes I made.
Since he has given you a hint of trouble on the horizon, you can prepare. Like Ellie said, support is not Optional. He HAS to pay. I wish I had listened to her Ellie sooner.
You can protect yourself.
I wonder if he is in danger of losing his job because of the affair? My dad lost his for messing around with his secretary.
Hang in. You will be ok.
I'm sorry I didn't get back to you about today. I threw myself into this last issue of the newspaper. It rocked!!!! :-) Except the stupid masthead which is all screwed up because of the name change. Ugh.
Now, I'm exhausted.
Could we plan for this weekend? You name the place and I will be there.
We're not supposed to give out our emails and so forth on the boards. I'm going to encrypt it.
h (disregard this) berry (disregard this too) @ (and this) wdt (and disregard this last bit) .net
:-)
I am so sorry you have to deal with this possibility. Try to prepare but don't get too obsessed because that will just erode your ability to take care of yourself and the kids.
Maybe make a list of things you can do now and stuff you can do if the worst happens and then maybe add a column for the things or decisions you must just completely let go of because you don't have any control.
Sending good thoughts your way. Keep us posted.
Life & ft...
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. It helps to be supported... just know... I am cheering for you, too!
It is an amazing journey, huh? One that we didn't intend, but learn to make the best of. That's the most important part- make the most of this. It would be terrible to sit in pity and misery and spend the rest of your life like that. I have a family member who is. We aren't really close- for that reason.
It is great to come here and get this amazing support. I feel blessed.
Taking the leap of faith to let go of that is scary.
Has been paralyzing me in certain aspects. We get to start anew. We get to go back to thinking about who we are and what we want.
I'm finding this is the fun part. Tough, challenging, but exciting. And without influence!We learn that no one can make us happy and it must come from within. When that happens, the real healing begins.
This. Is. So. True.As I grew stronger, I realized that the way for me to find peace was to be true to me and to be my authentic self always.
So, that's what I did - even when I met her. I was me..hair flip and all. LOL!
I will have to remember that. I will let you know how it work out for me. Sometimes I am like a SNL character. I'd probably flip my hair then trip over my own feet. 
Be you, Mighty. Choose joy. Life is what you make it. Make yours great. Not because of what happened...but in spite of what happened.
Hallelujah! Preach it,uR
bea, xh never dealt with this stuff very well. He was always stressed. I wonder if my layoff 3 yrs ago (1 yr prior to the crazy year of family cancer, nephew's death, ect) was the first thing that triggered this whole thing.
I can't imagine now, with his hyper sensitive emotions, and now the added stress of another family... hmmm... it will be interesting to see how it plays out.
Ellie (If I may)thanks for the suggestions. I think I have the Dave Ramsey book around here somewhere. I will check out your recommendations, too.
I don't think it was a drunk text. I would assume he was at work (and I have been told by someone they don't think hww is fond of xh drinking while she is preg????!!!) Maybe in a rush, stressed, I don't know. But, it seemed excessive. Unnecessary details. Maybe he was looking to vent or *talk* or something. I know he has hww, but it could be possible that it is weird for him not to have me in a time of stress like this. He did text me right away in January when he got his promotion (and now I know he was with hww at the time). Whatever, I'm not going to really read into that.
Heather, I know you have many life experiences that can help me. I knew you were busy this week, so I figured you'd reach out when you were ready. I will look into this weekend. I have a few things going on Sat morn, but I would love to meet up. I will email you.
Gwen, thanks for your support. I don't think I will become too obsessed. I am taking things in stride. Whatever happens, it will be worked out somehow- even if it's not the way I had originally planned. I've always been a 'roll with the punches' kind of chick, but now.... ha... not much phases me. Yeah, I freak out about my own emotions, I guess (much less now), but when things happen, I am pretty calm. At this point I just laugh. It's like, OK, what next? What didn't I think of that will come out of left-field?!
It's all good.
Hey Mighty, sorry stuff keeps happening. And I can see you are a roll with the punches kinda chick.
The thing is that the worst has happened and you are ok. The leap you have to take is to really believe that deep inside. I sure believe it of you.
Oh and I have my SNL moments...trust me on that.