Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2467765#Post2467765A new thread and a new day.
Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts.
Daughter is doing much better this morning. It is amazing how quickly the vomiting stopped after the procedure. She was able to keep food down for the first time in several weeks.
I feel like I have turned a corner. I have not allowed my wifes actions and issues to dominate my life this time. I am concerned for her like any person would be for another. I don't feel it is the same level that I would have as a husband, but more like a friend.
My concern is how her actions affect our daughters. I think they are angry with her actions right now. I also feel they are starting to come to terms with the idea they may loose their mother if she keeps on her destructive path. I am allowing them to process this. I let them know I am here for them if they want to talk about it.
This afternoon I am off to spend some time with my oldest. She called last night a bit overwhelmed.It has got to be tough going to college with all this other drama going on.
Hi LT,
So very sorry to hear about all that is happening right now. I have 2 D's (14 and 19) and I know how hard it must be for you to see them in pain. I have great respect for you for being there for your D, helping her through probably the hardest thing she has faced in her young life to date. She is very lucky that she has a MAN like you to help her become the best adult she can. It's the times like this that make all the difference in your kids lives and she will always remember you were there for her and provided the most important thing a parent can give...your love and support. Stay strong LT. You are a shining example of what a good parent is and nothing can ever take that away!
Hey LT
Just checkin in...how you doing?
Hi Eric,
Thanks for checking in. I can truely say this is the most detached I have been since this started almost two years ago. I don't feel the need to check up on her and how she is doing. I have not even pushed the kids to call or visit her. I do hope she gets help. I also hope she can work on her relationship with the girls. I still find it amazing that they can destroy everything around them.I do think this round in the hospital has been brought on by her starting to realize what she has done. I found out from both my middle daughter and her older sister that she has stated that she feels she has lost her youngest daughter. That her daughter is afraid of her. I hope it is the beginning for her, but I won't hold my breath.
Beyond that I am standing strong for my girls. Tomorrow all three will be here for the weekend. I hope they will have some good time together and put their mothers problem on the back burner for now.
Tomorrow all three will be here for the weekend.
Hopefully you have something fun planned. How far are you from Hartford? I think I saw a few things happening downtown.
I also heard of some "chili" tasting thing on Saturday.
Whatever you decide...just have FUN with them.
Peace
Eric
I am in Ellington, about 15 minutes to Hartford. I have to wait and see what the girls want to do. Right now they are all fight a virus that is going around.
Where is the chili tasting thing going on?
LT
Ellington....wow....You are literally 10 mins from me. I'm near Highland Park market exit 4, on 384.
The chili event is here....Goggle
http://beerandchili.org/It will be at the CT Old State House in Hartford.
Also a couple of other cool ideas is Nomads in south Windsor, they now have Zip lining.
If finances are tough...I know of a few other activities that you may be interested in.
Wow, been all around that area. I have lived here for 46 years now, so seen a lot of changes.
Right now i am spinning a bit and trying to digest a phone call i got from my lawyer yesterday. He got a call from wifes lawyer. She is not able to participate in the divorce. Apparently she is going to sign a voluntary conservatorship allowing her father to take over all her affairs. The agreement she had crafted with her attorney that just got sent to mine just before latest crisis is now being rewritten. My attorney said they are turning full custody of my youngest over to me with all decision making as well as determination of visitation.
The funny thing is her attorney thinks she is still in the hospital when I know her sister picked her up on Thursday and is staying with her. She also talked to the girls Thursday evening where she stated she was still going to have 50/50 shared custody.
So nothing jives right now. I suspect her lawyer is running with what her father is directing right now and going on his word. My wife has never said anything good about her father in all the years I have known her. He has never expressed any interest in being a grandfather to our daughters either. Because of this I will have a court fight if he gets control of wife. I suspect her will try and force me to sell house and try and get as much as he can without regard to our daughters well being. I can see him justifying using anything wife gets for his own use since he will be taking care of her. He will use what ever he can to fund his retirement at the expense of others.
I know i need to take a deep breath and slow down. I will have to have my attorney monitor the situation and wait to see where it goes with some pre planning. My thoughts right now are to ask for full possession of the house in place of her paying any child support. I will also ask that there be no alimony. I suspect if he does not agree to this then the court will grant it anyhow given to situation.
Life,
I like your plan.
We are in similar ships right now. I'm working hard to stay in THIS moment only. In THIS moment, I'm OK.
I would, however, consider carefully the child support issue. Maybe, you get the house and she pays no alimony, but must contribute some child support.
You and I are in similar situations in terms of not being able to rely on co-parenting. You aren't loosening your grip on the child support because you feel badly for her? Are you?
She is sick, but still their mother and owes them something.
Lois,
No, I am not feeling sorry for my wife. I consider the child support a bargaining chip along with everything else to make sure I try and get what is most important for my daughters followed by myself. Right now I consider the house the most important. My youngest has stated to others that she does not like living in apartments and will stay in the house at least till she graduates high school. I can see that she has some fears that she is having to process right now and that her room is her safe place. I won't allow them to take away the safety that this home represents to my kids right now.
What my lawyer told me the other day and what is going on in real life do not jive right now. If my wife is not supposed to be able to function right now and is supposed to be going to stay with her folks in Florida, why is she going back to her part time job today? I also expect that she is going back to her full time job this week. My guess is her old man is trying to run things with the lawyer like he is in charge. I don't think he or her lawyer know what is really going on. My efforts right now will have to be to keep my attorney from wasting any effort until the dust settles and we have a clear idea of what is going on.
My wife right now is in a phase where she does not want to see me, talk to me or even interact with me even if it concerns the girls. I suspect that she cannot understand why I am handling things and not falling apart. I know this is typical when the LBS does not match the picture they have created for the LBS. That is her problem. I don't plan on chasing her, contacting her or dealing with her. She needs to work on her self and reach out to me when she is ready. Until then I will go on with my life and be the rock for my daughters.
Hmm..
Right now I consider the house the most important. My youngest has stated to others that she does not like living in apartments and will stay in the house at least till she graduates high school. I can see that she has some fears that she is having to process right now and that her room is her safe place. I won't allow them to take away the safety that this home represents to my kids right now.
That is exactly the right approach if you ask me. I was faced with the same choice and had the benefit of a counselor to listen/help. Her words to me were that children count on two things in their life for stability - their parents and their home. You can't do anything about your wife, but you can do something about the house.
I kept the house. Before I cleared my head, I had agreed to put it on the market. Luckily it didn't sell as that was right at the beginning of the downturn. After a while I got my head together and pulled it. I am incredibly glad I did for the sake of the kids. I don't particularly like the house other than that, but that wasn't the important part. Very important for the kids. I'm glad to see you have your priorities and are acting on them.
As for your w. I've read your sit over the past several months. You do realize that she may not do the work on herself right? Or that even if she does, she may never tell you? As these things go, she may not feel like she can if she does figure it out, instead choosing to be angry etc at the object of her anger and embarrassment.
To admit what she's said or done is not something she's very well equipped to handle.
I didn't see that very clearly in my own sit until much later. For a variety of reasons. But it's something that was very helpful in understanding my actions and why I chose them and why they either worked for me or didn't. And that was important as I faced criticisms (from people I trusted; the others can pound sand
)
Hope that helps, LT. Keep watching out for the girls. The rest will work out over time.
AJ
Hi LT,
I agree with AJ here. I'm in the same sitch right now with trying to keep my home. For me, my W agreed to allow me to retain the house in return for allowing her to keep antiques, not split her retirement accounts, etc. but as soon as she started to get "advice" from her father, changed that to allow me to just live there but as soon as my D14 turned 18, I would have to sell it and give her half...and she gets to still keep the antiques, retirement, etc. The sense of entitlement is unbelievable in MLC's sometimes. In the last year things have changed so much for my D14 and her sister, 19. I really felt that being able to have that home base, the familiar place, the only home they have ever known was important. My W told them both that our home wasn't a "happy" place and was a big reason she left. What she can't seem to grasp is that it was only "unhappy" for her, the rest of us have wonderful memories there, whether she can remember them or not.
I also am starting to think that my W may never be able to do the work on herself that she needs to. Like AJ said, even if she does, she may never be able to face up to the things she's said and done. My W has suffered with depression on and off for the last 8 years. While she didn't actually try and commit suicide there were many times she felt she "couldn't go on". For her to admit that what she has done was a mistake or admit that her own actions lead to the end of our M isn't something I can see her being able to do. Heck, we wouldn't be where we are right now if she had the ability to cope with doing something like that. It's the looking for "causes" for the her own actions that got us into this mess in the first place. Sadly, I really think it isn't something she will ever be able to do.
Hang in there LT and keep being the rock for the kids. They need you so much right now and would be lost without you!
Thanks AJM and Matt,
I know my wife may never do the work she needs to do or face what she has done. She has had depression for more that 30 years. I am now seeing that she has never really faced it, but has run from it instead. That is a major flaw she has. She runs from things rather than just deal with them. She probably has issues from childhood on and would have a long list of issues she would have to face and work on. I believe that right now when she sees or interacts with me her flee response to having to face things is so over whelming that she would probably run blindly across a busy highway. Can she overcome this? I don't know. I can only hope that she will get help and maybe face the things that she has to. Right now she is willing to abandon everything she holds dear and flee.It is truly sad to see her reduced to this.
Hi LT,
You are sounding good, really into acceptance I think. It is tough.
What are you doing for you?
Hi T,
Thats where I am struggling right now T. I swear my wife knows when I am doing something for myself and she does something to interfere. Last weekend I was going away for a night to go to the Hershey car show since the girls would be with their mother. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. Had everything set and she does her disappearing thing again. So now I am left again dealing with the girls. I had to bring my oldest home from college instead because she was stressed out and sick so needed a couple days to pull herself together.
I am planning to go with my older girls to a haunted house this coming weekend. I hope disrupts that.
What about daily activities, walks, bike rides, working out, etc?
Wow, been all around that area. I have lived here for 46 years now, so seen a lot of changes.
Howdy neighbor!
Having been through the divorce process in our wonderful state I am fairly aware of the laws/process in this state. My first piece of advice would be to make sure you have an excellent attny. I had a great one. Let me know if you if you find that your L is not working for you. I would also caution you to use the L’s wisely. Also LISTEN to your L. He/she works for YOU. They have no emotional ties so can look at things objectively. Your L should be working towards helping you achieve YOUR goals. Please clear with the L what those goals are. Do not fall into the trap of “reacting” or “accepting” that path of least resistance. Figure out what makes sense for you and the kids …and instruct the L accordingly.
Right now i am spinning a bit and trying to digest a phone call i got from my lawyer yesterday.
Learn to stay calm…and breath…the D process can really take a toll on you.
He got a call from wifes lawyer. She is not able to participate in the divorce. Apparently she is going to sign a voluntary conservatorship allowing her father to take over all her affairs.
The fact that she has asked her father to take over all affairs, could work for you or against you. This is a question that I suggest that you ask your attny.
My attorney said they are turning full custody of my youngest over to me with all decision making as well as determination of visitation.
This is ^^^ a good thing. Considering your W condition. Remember, although the agreement may give you full custody – you still have the opportunity to allow the kids to see their mom. They will need her, regardless of the condition she is in. From where I sit, full custody give you the control and helps you make the choices that are best for the kids.
I suspect her lawyer is running with what her father is directing right now and going on his word.
Mind reading – stop it. Based your choices on fact.
Because of this I will have a court fight if he gets control of wife.
First you have no idea of what the new proposal will be. It may not be what you expect. Your mind reading again. Ultimately, most attny DO NOT want to go in front of the judge, so you may not have the “court battle” that you think you will.
I suspect her will try and force me to sell house and try and get as much as he can without regard to our daughters well being. I can see him justifying using anything wife gets for his own use since he will be taking care of her. He will use what ever he can to fund his retirement at the expense of others.
First off, the wonderful state of CT…prefers that the kids remain in their home. Period. No if and or buts. If you think it is best that they remain in the home – then make it clear to your attny that this is YOUR goal.
I know i need to take a deep breath and slow down.
Yes you do. Your gonna go batch crazy and make rushed decisions. Stay calm.
I will have to have my attorney monitor the situation and wait to see where it goes with some pre planning. My thoughts right now are to ask for full possession of the house in place of her paying any child support.
Usually the courts do not like this. They much prefer that child support is paid, and then whoever remains in the house pays the mortgage. Now, you could seek a “deviation” in child support IF both parties agree. Have you come up with a budget on what you need to maintain the house? Be reasonable…in other words, accept that you will need to cut back here and there…so do not go in asking for more than is reasonably expected. For example, I was explaining to my attny that I would like a few grand to purchase the kids new bedroom sets (since I left everything) – my attny comment was…the judge could very well look at this request and say…you can pick up a mattress at Bob’s for 50.00 bucks. It is a bed. I learned early on that what we think is “required”….is very different than what the court do. Your L should help you with this.
I consider the child support a bargaining chip along with everything else to make sure I try and get what is most important for my daughters followed by myself. Right now I consider the house the most important. My youngest has stated to others that she does not like living in apartments and will stay in the house at least till she graduates high school. I can see that she has some fears that she is having to process right now and that her room is her safe place. I won't allow them to take away the safety that this home represents to my kids right now.
Like AJ said – great plan. Explain that to your L. Just wondering who is the “bread winner” between you and your W? That will dictate alimony.
My efforts right now will have to be to keep my attorney from wasting any effort until the dust settles and we have a clear idea of what is going on.
Good move! I told my attny that the one issue that was NOT negotiable was custody. Everything else was. It seems to me, that you are in a similar place with the addition of the “house” as a must for you. Stick to your guns. Do not be surprised if your W comes back with some ridiculous offer. Just stay calm.
My wife right now is in a phase where she does not want to see me, talk to me or even interact with me even if it concerns the girls. I suspect that she cannot understand why I am handling things and not falling apart. I know this is typical when the LBS does not match the picture they have created for the LBS. That is her problem. I don't plan on chasing her, contacting her or dealing with her.
And she may be in this phase for a long long time. I am not saying this to discourage you.
Until then I will go on with my life and be the rock for my daughters.
Yep. Focus on YOU and the kids.
Thats where I am struggling right now T. I swear my wife knows when I am doing something for myself and she does something to interfere. Last weekend I was going away for a night to go to the Hershey car show since the girls would be with their mother. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. Had everything set and she does her disappearing thing again. So now I am left again dealing with the girls. I had to bring my oldest home from college instead because she was stressed out and sick so needed a couple days to pull herself together.
I am planning to go with my older girls to a haunted house this coming weekend. I hope disrupts that.
Please do yourself a favor if you are not already doing it….document these issues with your W. It clearly shows that she cannot be a responsible parent right now. You can explain to your L…not to use this unless he/she has to.
As TS suggest, you really need to figure out a way to do things for you. Hike on Case Mountain….hang out by Bolton lake, Coventry lake, maybe a visit to the vineyard in Coventry. I know that you may feel guilty about leaving the girls…but an hour or two to clear your head is okay. Heck…you can even bring them. I used to bring Toria with me to a spot in South Windsor that you can walk along the CT river. One of my fav pictures of my daughter were taken there. Be creative and if you need ideas…just let me know.
Chin up buddy!
Here a few things the girls may be interested in trying. They are not too expensive.
Soar indoors – In Manchester. It is an indoor Aerial Adventure center. You can also pick up Groupons.
Hals archery – In Manchester. I thoughts my kids would not be interested…they ended up having a blast.
Movies – 5 dollar Tuesdays at the theater in Buckland Hills.
Nomads – in South Windsor (the olders ones may not be interest but your 14 year old may).
Hooker Brewery – Not for the kids…but I think every Thursday they have a tour of the brewery and beer sampling for 10 bucks.
I have a ton more ideas…let me know if you need any more.
but an hour or two to clear your head is okay
Since I have full custody right now aside from a couple evenings a week on stbxw's days off, this ^^^ is a priority to keep me from getting over-done and help me be more present for the boys.
Hi Eric,
Thanks for the advice. Most of it I think I have arrived at already after some time to process it. Luckily I don't really have to document my wifes issues as it is already documented by my lawyer as i keep him updated to things like her entering and leaving hospital. So the courts will know he psychological issues when the time comes.
In terms of her giving her father control and what issues that will bring I am not really mind reading. Her attorney already told my attorney that his biggest issue is controlling her father. He likes to think he is french and does not like anyone who stands up for the USA and believes in our country. So, he and I never got along. He is also a narcissist and will try and make this more about him. So, I can understand her lawyer saying he is having trouble with her old man. I am not even sure my wife knows her father thinks he is getting control of her. She is home right now, has gone back to work at both her jobs, and is basically trying to go back to things as normal. She has told my daughters that custody will still be shared 50/50 and that the girls will start staying there again starting this Friday. Her attorney did not even know she was out of the hospital.
Since it appears one hand does not know what the other is doing in terms of wife, her family, her attorney I have told my attorney not to get involved. That until we know for a fact that the father will be controlling things that I don't want him spending any time on it. I told him any proposed agreement is worthless tell we know who is truly responsible for making decisions.
I do try and get out for walks in South Windsor at the park near the police station.Where is the walk along the ct river in south Windsor? Usually I do the river walk in Windsor Locks / Suffield just across the river on 190. Right now I am planning on taking girls to Haunted graveyard at lake Compounce this Friday. After that I will have to look into things for myself more.
Hi TS,
Thanks for the input. I am starting to look at doing more time here and there for myself. Some things are settling down. Once I get to catch my breath I should be out doing more things.
I swear my wife knows when I am doing something for myself and she does something to interfere.
Excellent advice from the others, LT. If I may, one thing that stands out is the disarray and control fight going on with the trio - your W, the FIL and the lawyer (British cover band name?
) When it comes to negotiation, you can't negotiate with an irrational person, but you can be very organized. Organization vs. chaos is very effective and important to getting what you need for the kids. You may or may not need to give up anything to get full custody and the house etc. Or you may need to. As long as you know what is negotiable and what is not (your perspective) and stay organized, you'll navigate it well. Not as quickly as you'd like, but it'll turn out well.
The emotions that your W goes through with all of this is similar to what you are going through + whatever else she is doing. That is only relevant in so much as she will irrationally (to your perspective) react to things as if her life depends on it. For strange things most likely, and possibly not for things you find important. Or that she found important in the past. No rules in that realm. No guessing.
As for the interference. Yeah, they do that. Expect it. Heck, mine still tries to do that kind of stuff all these years later. It happens, but its manageable once you take the emotion out of it. Consider the source.
Doing things for your self when you can is important. Make it a priority and stick to it. It's really helpful to keep that consistency.
Your perspective is really good and I think you'll be more than fine. I think your kids will as well.
AJ
Thanks AJ,
I figure the bast thing I can do for now is sit back and let them fight it out. Unless my wife voluntarily signs over authority to her father he has no say. I suspect he is loaning her the money for the lawyer with strings attached since that is what he always has done in the past.
The interesting thing is my wife is becoming more engaged in the kids lives than before this last incident. I found out last night that she took it upon herself to set up an appointment for flu shots for the younger two. She also told the two younger ones she would see them this Friday when she had dinner with them on Sunday. This tells me that she is planning on continuing the Friday Saturday overnight that was arranged before she had this last incident. She is also doing other things that indicate to me that she has no intention of giving up full custody or rights to the girls. She is appearing to be starting to act more like the mother she should be than she has been over the last few months.Last time she disappeared from the girls lives for 6 weeks and then it was a slow thing starting time with her and the girls. This time it has been different. She contacted the girls right away after leaving the hospital and seems more engaged.
I am not going to change what I am doing nor read too much into her actions right now. I will hope and pray that maybe this last incident and time in the hospital will be a positive rather than a negative.
I am not going to change what I am doing nor read too much into her actions right now.
^^^^ Good mindset to have.
Have a great weekend LT!
Well I just had first good weekend in a while. Started off by picking up oldest daughter from college on Thursday evening. It was nice having them all in the house together. Fell asleep to them talking and laughing.
Friday we went to a haunted house together. Going to a haunted house or hay ride had been a tradition every year before BD. After we got back the girls went down to spend next two nights with their mother.
Oldest called me Saturday morning to get advice about going back that day to college. Her mother did not want her to go since there had been a riot at the school the night before. I suggest that since the pumpkin festival was that night and for her mothers peace of mind that maybe she go back on Sunday. We were all greatly relieved that she chose not to go back as there was extensive rioting around her dorm with tear gas and rubber bullets. Yes, I am talking about that Pumpkin festival that made national news this weekend.
Sunday morning I helped oldest with an application then drove her back to school. We had a nice drive through the colorful fall foliage on some nice back roads together.
There has been some improvement with my wife. She is starting to engage back in life. My daughter told me they changed her medication and type of therapy this time in the hospital. From the interactions my daughters had this weekend I can see an improvement. I suspect that she started to wake up to loosing everything including her children and got herself admitted this past time. This is an improvement. She used to just give up and not try to fix things in the past.She is also more engaged in the therapy this time. They are working with her to teach her how to get her anger and other emotions out rather than holding them in. What my daughters said was how much fun mom was and how much she interacted with them over the weekend. She also has sent a request through the girls to allow our older dog to come down and spend weekends with them. I don't know if these are signs of her finally coming out of MLC or because of the med changes and improved therapy. I think the fact she reached out for help this time leans toward her starting to realize what she is doing and loosing. My only hope right now is that she can become an engaged mother for her daughters. that will be a vast improvement over where we have been.
So it has been a busy few days.
My oldest called on Monday morning all worked up over her situation and what decision she needed to make. Later she called back and asked middle daughter to come up for the night so off we go to keene again to drop off middle daughter. Older daughter and I talked a bit about her situation. She had talked to a school counselor. She wants to transfer to a different school closer to home. The course she is taking right now would not transfer in for the degree she wants to go into at this new school. Both the counselor and I suggested she consider a leave of absence so she does not shut any doors. She said she would think on it.
Tuesday morning she calls and said she turned in the leave of absence form. So, off to keene I go again to bring her with all her dorm room stuff home. 2 hours each way. This will be 4th drive in 5 days. We get her home and she starts to set up her room again. So now I have all three girls home with me. Nice feeling, but big change from none to one to three again.
Yesterday oldest two girls go off to UCONN to talk to admissions. They recommended oldest come in as undeclared for spring since the program she wants only accepts for fall semester. she then applies to enter program in fall. Middle daughter is going to go and take 2 course in spring and then 2 in summer and then enter next fall as full time. This is all good as the girls can go to UCONN tuition free.
Later in day all three had a fight. Boy what a mine field to traverse with three hormonal teens. Got things settled finally and too them out to get two younger ones winter jackets. Found out they did not have any nor did they last year. Wife never took them to get any nor did she say anything.
All is very quiet with my wife. It is very interesting to watch things unfold following the typical path many MLCers take. Right now she is finally showing concern for the girls and for our older dog. Three girls and dog will be going down to her place tomorrow evening for the weekend. If dog comes back all clean and groomed I will consider it a positive sign. She did ask for shampoo and brush for dog. She was the only person our dog would allow to brush her. They seemed to have some bond that way. I know we are on a long road. I will just keep my distance and let wife find her own way. If she comes out of this and has dealt with many long standing issues then it will be great. if she comes out partially with some issues resolved and better relation with daughter will be great too. Only time will tell.
You sound good LT.
Any plans for the weekend?
I have to see how my back feels tomorrow. I woke up this morning bent over in pain. Don't know what I did, but lower back in pain. Hoping just muscles. Living on pain killers right now. Supposed to be nice tomorrow.
How about you?
LT,
I hope the back feels better soon. Hope things are settling down a bit for you and that you have a nice weekend.
Sorry about the back dude! I hope it gets better.
A busy weekend for me....
Tonight I am going to see the Wizard of Oz show.
Saturday I have a surprise birthday to go to.
Sunday, I am testing driving a Lamborghini - a father's day gift from my kids. Apparently, I get a few options to choose from...then drive it around the track for a few laps.
Sunday night...is usually, take it easy or do the old...clean house, pay bills and laundry.
If you need a good Chiro....let me know...there is a guy in Vernon that is excellent.
Thanks GB and Eric,
Getting back on my feet now. Hate when I tweak the back. never sure if its the back or a muscle.
Other than my back, it was a good weekend. Kids spent two nights with their mother. Everything seems to be going fine. I feel I can now start to relax a bit and get comfortable. I have a good feeling about the way things are going. I am getting more comfortable with the idea of taking off to do things for myself again when the kids are with her.
I don't know if this is typical behavior or what I should think of it. I can see through her actions that my wife is starting to reconnect with my daughters. It comes across as she is showing me and the world that she can be as good a parent as she feels the world sees me right now. Almost a bit like she is competing with me. She offered to let my oldest get a car this weekend and put it on her future insurance plan. This is interesting in that she does not help with the kids right now. She pleads poverty and sends all their bills to me through the kids to get them covered.
LT
I am getting more comfortable with the idea of taking off to do things for myself again when the kids are with her.
I cannot stress how important this is. Taking time for you will help, you, the kids and everything else in your life. So….what types of things do you want to do? I found that making a list/plans help.
Other than my back, it was a good weekend
Did you go to the Dr?
I can see through her actions that my wife is starting to reconnect with my daughters.
Just remember….it is NOT your job to fix the R between them. It is YOUR job to not do anything that makes it worse.
Almost a bit like she is competing with me.
IMO, the minute you even think like this….your setting yourself up to FEEL like this. This is not a competition and I know you are not saying that it is. Be careful here..is all I’m saying.
She pleads poverty and sends all their bills to me through the kids to get them covered.
Get used to this ^^^^^ it may be this way for a long time……
An a separate note: How is work, house, etc.?
Hi Eric,
My first day off plan is this coming Saturday. I have a hankering for some fried clams. So I plan on leaving Saturday morning with our silk terrier and head up to Kittery Maine for lunch. Gonna try a clam shack I saw on TV. Then I am gonna swing up to North Conway New Hampshire and pick up the Kangumangus Highway across to Lincoln. Probably stopped along the Kang for a hike to see a waterfall or such. Then I will swing south along east side of ct river till I get to the wood covered bridge crossing the CT river at around woodstock Vt and pick up 91 south back home. Hopefully it will be a nice day for a drive.
I didn't go to Dr. Lots of ibeprophen and taking it easy.
I don't get involved with wife or daughters. She needs to do this on her own as you have said. I don't offer anything nor do I get in the way of things.
I am being careful. I am more concerned that if she lets 19 yr old daughter get car to commute to school, then 18 yr old daughter will want the same since she will also be commuting. in most respects if she is competing then it is a change from her and may help her heal more. I don't plan on competing. I just plan on being the best dad I can be. I just have to keep it in mind to make sure it does not get out of hand or the girls start to play one against the other. That could cause issues and has to be managed.
In terms of work? Now that things seem to be settling down I plan on starting my search for work. I had a good summer off with the girls and have my head screwed back on. So, tomorrow morning I will be talking to head hunter.
The house is on hold right now at lawyers request. He did not want me to continue putting money in it to finish it until its status has been resolved. I suspect having all three girls living there now with one in high school and two commuting to college will probably stack thing in my favor to keep the house for now with future sale after kids are done with school. So for now I get to look at un finished house.
I have a hankering for some fried clams.
I had some of the best clam fritters with some friends in Galilee RI. If you ever get a chance to get up there it is a nice little town.
IF you like wine…there is a nice vineyard in Woodstock. I think the tasting are 10 bucks.
Sounds like you have a great weekend planned. Good for you.
In terms of auto transportation……if I recall the girls are attending UCONN – right? I believe that in order to park on campus, you need to purchase a parking permit and Freshmen are not allowed to park. I would check into this…at least you would have a reason why you would not need to buy a car for D18.
Now that things seem to be settling down I plan on starting my search for work. I had a good summer off with the girls and have my head screwed back on. So, tomorrow morning I will be talking to head hunter.
Good luck!
Hi-jack - Those were GREAT fritters.
Hi-jack - Those were GREAT fritters.
Yes they were....
: )
Another road trip?
Just say the word.....
Sorry for the hijack LT.
Pick a Saturday and I am up for it. Clam fritters and quahog tenders sounds like it will hit the spot.
Yes the girls will be attending UCONN as commuters. I suspect the car thing is different for commuters so I am not sure freshman thing will count. We have to see if their mother will be able to get any breaks on parking for them too.
Not sure if I will get down to Woodstock in time. I also think there is a brewery there as well.
Hope everyone had a great holloween. Mine is always quiet as the neighborhood is mostly retired people and just a couple kids. I had just one trick or treater.
Plans for saturday did not goes as planned because it was bad weather. So I did something else for future GAL activity. I used to have a jeep wrangler. Wife made me sell it after second daughter was born. I had a lot of fun with it. I have an all wheel drive jeep commander right now. It was in for repairs recently and they made me an all cash offer to buy it back. So Saturday instead of traveling up north I went Jeep shopping. I ended up ordering a new 2015 Jeep Wrangler Unlimited 4 door version. I know it seems a bit crazy, but it will open up unlimited GAL activity for myself as well as trips and adventures with my daughters. Now, I just need to figure out how to pay for it. Luckily my monthly payment will not go up much.
Later on saturday my youngest called. She had fight with sisters at her moms place and wanted to come home. So, I picked her up. I asked her if she let her mom know she was leaving and daughter said she would figure it out. I sent a text to wife that i had picked up daughter. Beyond that I did nothing. In the past i would have made an effort to fix things. I held myself back this time. Its up to my wife how she works on her relationship with daughters and not up to me to fix things. If she wanted she could come over to talk to daughter and try to fix things so daughter would go back. She chose not to. I feel bad wife chose not to do anything. What I found interesting is daughters use of words to come home. She considers this home and her moms as visiting.
I am going to try my trip north again next weekend.
Nice quiet weekend. Things seem to be settling down. The girls spent most of the weekend with their mother. The dropped in a couple time to get things. My middle daughter did ask if we would have a real christmas tree this year. Last year they did not have really anything in the dark apartment they were in with their mother. I said of course we would have a tree. The girls seem to more and more look on this as their home again. There is no real talk that I hear of them moving back down to live with their mother. I remember when they originally moved how excited they were. Reality has set in and they see how much a home can mean to them.
I have been spending time helping my oldest two to get ready to start part time jobs. I have also been helping oldest to purchase a car for herself. Wife offered to get insurance for herself and daughters car. This makes it doable for us and will mean I will pay less each month as I will have 2 less drivers and one less car on my policy.
I have heard nothing from lawyer in about a month. I suspect there was no movement on FIL taking over wifes life. Best thing I did was to tell my lawyer to butt out and to hold back filling his coffers to spend. I will have to tweak him and see where things stand.
I have little to no contact with wife right now. I do keep and contact to one or two words. I do believe in her mental state she is fixated on the divorce solving all her problems and bring her happiness. I feel she needs to get past this and then maybe she will start to figure things out. I do not want to support it, but don't want to appear to be in the way of it happening. So, I will have to contact lawyer to see if we need to do anything to not appear to be obstructing it.
I still have trouble wrapping my mind around how messed up these MLCers are. Yesterday I heard from my lawyer that he has heard nothing from wife attorney other than he is having trouble communicating with her. The problem is the divorce she filed for will move along even if she does not participate. If we can't get any communication then we most likely will have several more court dates costing more money that neither of us can afford. She filed for the divorce, says she wants it, yet won't even communicate with her lawyer. I don't even think there is a way we can put a brake on things till she is willing to participate.
Very strange how screwed up the become in their heads.
Is there a default clause in the decree? That if no response after X amount of time it goes through as stipulated?
I am putting that in mine, because I know how stbxw works (she even says she's spacey and all over the place mentally).
I actually have not even seen the agreement yet. Shortly after my attorney got it wife was back in hospital. Then attorney got message from her attorney that a lot of things were changing as she was going to sign over her affairs to her father and a new agreement would come shortly. Then nothing. I told my attorney to not spend time on it till we hear something. I am now trying to get word from her attorney if the agreement is still on the table or if a new one is coming. His initial response is that he is having difficulty communicating with my wife.
Hmmm... one of the reasons I am doing the filing is that both of us know how stbxw operates and if we left it up to her it would be a long, drawn out mess and take forever.
Could you file your own petition?
I have, but hers takes precedence. Either way, if we don't have an agreement it will just keep moving along and costing us bot thousands of dollars.
ugh...I'm sorry...
So, I have been trying to get my lawyer back under control and he is not responding to my email. I sent email telling him what I would send in terms of money to get the d agreement reviewed. I set the amount at $300.00. I think the reason he is not responding is the hope to milk more cash because of wifes mental illness. I think he feels he can at least get 2 or three more court appearances and thousands more dollars. I figure I will give him till monday and then go to the court and find out how to fire him and represent myself for the remainder of the divorce. Right now there is really only one thing remaining and that is the house. I already have a court agreement regarding our children. I don't think it is worth paying him for multiple more court dates when it should already be set to wrap up. I don't even feel I need him if my wife won't communicate with her lawyer. They have already presented a draft agreement before she went into the hospital a month ago. I feel she thinks the divorce is done and does not want to deal with it anymore until the agreement is reviewed.
So, today after much prodding I finally got a copy of the divorce agreement that my lawyer received from her lawyer almost 2 months ago. After reading it I actually feel really bad about how sick my wife is. She basically is walking away from everything including the house. The house has $100,000.00 in equity right now. I can't imagine how ill you have to be to walk away from that. She is waving any right to alimony and everything else is equal.
Some would say that I should take the deal and run with it. Personally I cannot take advantage of someone who is ill. I won't be happy with myself nor able to sleep at night if I do that. I will approach this a proposed change. I will ask to remain in the house till the kids are through school or the youngest reaches 21 years old. I will then sell the house and split the proceed with a percentage based on the number of months each party paid into the house mortgage. I will also stipulate that within that period if I should die that my wife will receive full ownership of the house to do with as she sees fit.
I think this is only fair. I hope she sees it this way. I can at least feel good and sleep with this.
I hope she sees it this way. I can at least feel good and sleep with this.
And that matters, a lot.
Class, Honor, Dignity
So, finally seeing the draft agreement has allowed me to make some plans without the total unknown hanging over me. Based on her decision to turn the house over to me, I feel I can now start working on it again. There is nothing like living in an unfinished house without the ability to work on it.
I rewrote the sections of the divorce that troubled me and sent it back to my lawyer. I told him I had $1000.00 to finish this divorce. I told him i felt this was enough and if he didn't to let me know so I could find alternative route to finishing this.
I am amazed at how much effort my wife is making right now to not see me or speak to me. I suspect this is typical behavior to avoid being reminded of the pain they have caused. I know that her therapy is working on helping her to get her emotions out. My kids tell me that she is expressing emotions finally that she has kept inside for so long. I know she has needed to learn this for a long time. I hope it will help her to move along on her own growth.
Life's Twists- I just want to say what an honorable and good man you are. I'm sorry that you are going through all of this and that your wife is so ill. I am just so impressed with your handling of it all. I know good things are in your future!
Life,
You are a remarkable guy. You're a great reminder to all us female LBS-ers that good men DO exist.
Some would say that I should take the deal and run with it. Personally I cannot take advantage of someone who is ill. I won't be happy with myself nor able to sleep at night if I do that. I will approach this a proposed change. I will ask to remain in the house till the kids are through school or the youngest reaches 21 years old. I will then sell the house and split the proceed with a percentage based on the number of months each party paid into the house mortgage. I will also stipulate that within that period if I should die that my wife will receive full ownership of the house to do with as she sees fit.
I think this is only fair. I hope she sees it this way. I can at least feel good and sleep with this.
Fair? That's way beyond fair in this type of situation. Why? Because as it was her choice, regardless of the reason, she is entitled to make her decisions and live with them.
But I applaud that approach. You owe her nothing, yet you are trying to act with grace, dignity, and honor and keeping your own needs in there (you will sleep better having done this).
Sometimes being a leader is a lonely prospect, LT. Doesn't change that we need to do what we need to do anyway.
"I hope she sees it this way." If she does, it won't be for a long time, if ever, amigo. Glad you're doing it anyway regardless of "what some might say"
AJ
So, today after much prodding I finally got a copy of the divorce agreement that my lawyer received from her lawyer almost 2 months ago. After reading it I actually feel really bad about how sick my wife is. She basically is walking away from everything including the house. The house has $100,000.00 in equity right now. I can't imagine how ill you have to be to walk away from that. She is waving any right to alimony and everything else is equal.
Some would say that I should take the deal and run with it. Personally I cannot take advantage of someone who is ill. I won't be happy with myself nor able to sleep at night if I do that. I will approach this a proposed change. I will ask to remain in the house till the kids are through school or the youngest reaches 21 years old. I will then sell the house and split the proceed with a percentage based on the number of months each party paid into the house mortgage. I will also stipulate that within that period if I should die that my wife will receive full ownership of the house to do with as she sees fit.
I think this is only fair. I hope she sees it this way. I can at least feel good and sleep with this.
As a woman that's looking very fair. Shame my h wasn't so damn reasonable. He makes agreements then flops on them. Hence mediation, hence lawyers now. All those years he expected me to help with projects and $ and he marches in says I contributed 0.
I'm so over it I'm letting the lawyers decide.
Thanks T and D,
I was sitting here last night in my house with a bunch of kids around me having fun, laughter and such. My oldest was at the table doing her class registration for the spring semester. My wife calls our oldest and my oldest starts asking questions to help her make decisions on courses. In the back ground kids are laughing and having good time. Eventually my wife asks to talk to youngest, middle daughter is at work. They talk a couple minutes, but daughter wants to go back to having fun so ends convo and hands off to oldest again. I sat there the whole time, surrounded by all the laughter and warmth and was sad. Sad that my wife has chosen to be a mother from a distance and not being there to take in these moments. I wonder what goes through her head when she hears the background laughter and such. Really too bad the choices she has made.
I get that sadness every now and then too, when the kids have their triumphs at school, or video game, etc, lol!
It comes around less and less as time flows.
The holidays are going to be interesting, first season without stbxw, I am going on overdrive and 4X4 to create new traditions around the house, show the kids that life does keep going, and maybe can be better than it was.
Hang in there!
Thanks T2,
My daughters are asking me to keep the traditions we had going.They missed them last year. The other day my middle daughter asked if we were going to have a real Christmas tree this year. Last year they really had nothing down at the apartment. On Wednesday I took all three down to NYC for our annual per Christmas trip. We had a good time as usual. I do feel bad wife is missing out, but grateful I still get to do this with my three daughters. Our new tradition will be to add some lights to the outside of the house this year. I used to put on a very huge light display in a public place every year and never had the time to put something on at our house with my kids. This year will be the beginning of something new.
Hi Everyone,
I feel a lot of good vibes coming from the board right now when I read the posts. I would like to add to that and hope it spreads to others.
Things for me are mostly quiet right now, which is a good thing. I have all three girls living with me right now. Originally the girls had other plans for Thanksgiving, but divine intervention stepped in and those plans have fallen through, so I will have them.
I started sending out resumes again last week for work. This past Monday I look at a source for jobs that I had never looked at before and found many that looked promising. Sent out 2 resumes to one place listed Monday afternoon. Received a response next morning. The person contacted me even though they were on vacation for the week. Indicated they were interested and would be in contact next week.
I finally seem to have gotten through to my attorney to not drag his feet. Told him what my limit is and if he goes through it he is welcome to finish the divorce pro bono. I feel strongly that this needs to be finished so it is no longer my wifes focus.
So, many things are looking good right now. Hopefully I will be able to report I am finally back at work. I am thankful I had the time off to get my head cleared up, but now ready to get back out there.
I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. I know I have stuff to be thankful for and hope you do too.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone,
I am sitting here right now finishing a cup of coffee. My three daughters are upstairs sleeping. I am getting set to prepare the big meal. There will be eight here for dinner. I baked two pies yesterday and I am about to start getting the rolls ready so they can rise over the course of the day. Soon I will get the grill going, prepare the turkey, and put it on the grill to roast.
What a change from a year ago. To have the majority of my family back together for the holiday was unthinkable. I have a lot to be thankful for. Considering that I had basically lost my family, was looking at a double lung transplant and many other things this past year, I am lucky to be standing on my own two feet. To actually be where I am can't be put into words. Who knows what the future will bring, hopeful more up as it progresses.
That's great to hear, LT! Hope the day is super special. Enjoy your girls:-)
I have to say that I admire the way you are handling things, LT. I believe your attitude and perspective will take you far. I'm also happy you are able to enjoy the day with your family.
Well thanksgiving was great. I had a full table with family and friends over. Lots of food and everyone had a great time.
On Friday I went out to a bar for the first time. Met up with some HS classmates for drinks and conversation. My oldest asked me where I had gone later in the weekend and I told her out. She asked where and I told her. She asked with who and I was a bit evasive. I was a bit shocked that she questioned so much and her body language. Kinda came across that I was not supposed to do that.
Last night I took two daughters out for burgers. I asked them how their time with their mother was. Oldest told me that everyone is trying to get used to the new person mom had become. She is apparently very talkative now. from what I have heard her new medications and counseling is have a very positive affect on her. She was very closed off and non talkative before, but now seems very open and talking a lot. It will be interesting to see where his goes. I wish her the best and hope she continues to improve.
This week I hope to have movement on the job front. Its also time to start thinking about setting up for Christmas.
LT - Sounds like you have all the makings for a sweet holiday season. Thanks for sharing your journey.
Do you believe in divine intervention?
Either I am going crazy or I am believing. You may ask why?
Last night I had a strong, almost over whelming, urge to go out and get my mail. Its cold out and I could have just as easily left it till today, but no I have to go get it. It kept nagging at me all evening, so at 9PM I put on my shoes, jacket and trudge out to get the mail. When I get in I start to go through it and there is a letter addressed to me and my wife from the bank that holds the loan on her car. What is weird is she had the address changed so that they went to her apartment. I have not seen one here in two years. Since it is addressed to both of us I open it up. She is several month behind on her payment. So I ponder this for few minutes and then text her to ask if she is ok financially because of this letter. She admits she is having some issues. We then proceed to have the longest set of text messages we have had in a long time. I asked her if she needed some help. She replied that she knew I am not working. I told her I would see what I can do to help because I know that finacial issues were one of her biggest triggers to going into a depressive period. I go to bed. I wake up this morning and the letter has disappeared. I have searched high and low for it, but it is gone. My older two girls were not home last night and would not have seen it or taken it. I don't believe my younger one would have either. I actually looked at my phone to verify we had the convoe via text messages last night to make sure I did not dream this whole thing up.
I think back on certain events of this past year. When she first tried suicide, her second time, and now. I do think that someone is watching out for her. They are putting things in place to help her in some way. I really have no other explanation.
There are times when "divine intervention" can and will take place. You'll find the letter when you aren't actually looking for it. What were you doing when you contacted her last night and right after you hung up?
I'm glad you both had a good conversation about the financial situation and hopefully you can help her out a bit. The man upstairs has a way of making us stop and take notice at times.
LT in so glad you had a great Thanksgiving with family.
I had no idea your health issues included facing a transplant- so glad you are well enough to do what you are doing now.
I definitely believe in Divine intervention- sometimes I wonder if this whole sitch I'm in is the result of it- that something beautiful is at the end of this journey that will be better than before- with or without my H.
I hope your Holiday season continues to be good!
Thanks Job and Daring,
Yea, I was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis. Usually you either get a lung transplant or die. The doctors have no idea why it spontaneously cleared up. If you looked at the CAT scans over the last 4 years you can follow its progression. The final one before I was to go on transplant list it was clear. Doctor was at loss for explanation. Between this, people in right place to stop wifes suicide attempt and other incidents this year, I figure someone is looking out for us right now.
So I fired my attorney this morning. Because of his not responding to simple update requests, and it appearing that this is being drawn out I made the decision to fire him and represent myself going forward. It is amazing how quickly they will respond when the gravy train leave the station, yet don't respond to a simple update request.
I am not really worried at this point as most of the critical issues were taken care of in a previous court agreement. The final agreement has already been presented by her lawyer and is straight forward. I don't expect issues with some slight changes and should go through. The only issue will be if her attorney wants to drag this out. Either way, I don't pay any more money to attorneys.
Thanks Lois,
In Connecticut you can self represent yourself. My emails with my attorney before I fired him indicated he has not even read the proposed agreement yet. he and wifes attorney have their eyes set on going to court for more money.
LT I hope it works out quickly so you can move forward with your life!
I hope so too daring. Now she and her attorney can drag this out as long as they want, it won't cost me much so let her spend the money she does not have. I hope she wakes up and smells the roses.
So, I got call this evening that the attorneys got the message I was not going to take it anymore and they got the issues with the agreement straightened out. Her attorney agreed to everything I wanted and will be presenting it to her once I see the revised draft. Right now the feeling is this part of my journey may be over next week.
I don't plan on giving up on the marriage. I just feel due to my wifes mental illness and her fixation on getting the divorce we need to get this done so she can move beyond it. Maybe she will finally start to heal and come out of the tunnel. I won't be holding my breath. if she comes out then it will be her decision to work on herself and try and catch up to me.
I do expect both of us will suffer some level of depression once it is done. I will have to make sure my daughters keep an eye on their mother once it is completed.
Things are fairly quiet here as we prepare for Christmas. The tree is up and decorated. The girls are having the usual spats that ten sisters have. My middle one is trying to through things at me to see if she can get a rise out of me, basically testing me. I tell her she is an adult now and has to make her own decisions.
An interesting interaction happened between me and my girls the other day. I went out after Thanksgiving with some of my class mates. One of them sent a picture of us sitting at a table in a local bar. I enjoyed myself greatly and decided to put the picture as the background on my laptop. There are 5 of us in the picture, 3 woman and 2 men. My girls saw it and immediately started to ask me questions. I told them that I had a right to go out and enjoy my self. My middle one asked me which was my girlfriend. I was vague and asked her why would it matter. She responded ," So I know who to be bitchy with." I was a bit shocked at this response. She has been in my face that her mom has a right to do things. I don't really know how to read this. Is she feeling that someone may get between her and me? Is she secretly hoping my wife and I will get back together? I don't plan on clearing anything up for now. I want to see where it leads.
So I know who to be bitchy with."
What a terrific sense of humour!
Hope you saw it as a joke, my daughter said something vaguely familiar, reference wicked step-mothers etc
Think you might be looking to deeply and a bit over sensitive!
Any thoughts on sending a christmas card? Do you send one or not?
Yes, great question! I was wondering the same thing!
So today my wife sends me a email about the health insurance that she tried to have me removed from and how I need to get certain tests done before the end of the year. She also actually include an update on stuff that she is aware of with the girls. I wrote back that I did not feel that i could get things like colonoscopy done by the end of the year and not sure it would affect things since our divorce should be done early next year. I then filled her in on issues I was aware of with the girls.She responded back
"I’m thinking on the other issues you mention. They all (the girls) seem to be going through turmoil."
I am not sure why all these MLCers feel that the kids won't be affected by things. I can't imagine how her thinking on the issues will go. Definitely interesting little interactions with her recently. I wonder where these will go.
So, it has been a while. Holidays went reasonably well. Kids are everywhere. Youngest is still angry. I have to hope her counselor will help her work through it.
I just got the revised draft for the divorce settlement. Hours before we are to be in court tomorrow morning. This was after no return contact from her lawyer and with prodding to see where they stood on things. I will probably be divorced tomorrow. I don't plan on stopping at this point. This will just be another twist in the road that we are on.
I will post more tomorrow after I find out what happens in court.
So I am up and getting ready for court this morning. I am sad that we are at this point. Not the best night of sleep. I can tell that by our recent interactions that she has laid most of the blame now on my parents for what has happened. The other reason I can tell this is because of the agreement. She is walking away from the house. There is over 120k in equity in it. Because it is next to my parents house she wants nothing from it and will quick claim it to me. I will also have 7 years to refinance it. In some ways I wish she had forced me to sell it. It would have been easier. There are good memories here, but also bad ones. I do plan on finishing it and selling it as soon as possible. This will make my elderly mother extremely angry. I do want a fresh start and feel this must be done once I am employed again. I have my eye on a nice wooded lot that would be a great site for a log home.
Oh well, time to get set for court.
I am sorry that your situation has come down to the wire and she still chooses to walk away. I will be thinking of you today and hope that everything will be done in a calm and civil manner.
As for your home, I think you are wise in finishing it up and then you can decide if you want to sell it or not. Time heals wounds and you do not know what the future holds, i.e., as to whether the timing is right in selling or you opt to remain there because you like all of the changes.
Please be kind to yourself today.
Hi LT,
Glad to hear that your W is starting to respond to meds and IC. Sorry that today is the final day of your M. I'm very close now myself and am NOT looking forward to it. Not sure how your W can blame your parents but I know how hard they look for "reasons" other than their own issues. My W also has a very bad attitude about our home and "hates" it, only she is no longer willing to walk away from it and is trying to get as much money as possible out of me. Money has always been a big trigger in her depression and while she is doing well financially, she acts as if she has no money and is constantly worried. Just yesterday she refused to help out D15 with something for school saying she didn't have $125 she needed. It broke my heart that I couldn't help her.
We are in much the same position you and I. I have a call set up today and will find out when I will get started at my new job. I really need to get that part of my life settled so I can begin to move on.
Good luck in court today. Just know that you have done and are doing everything possible to save your M. I have learned that while your S is fixated on D being the "answer", there really isn't anything you can do that will slow them down, let alone stop them. You did all you could.
Thanks Job and Matt,
Well that part is now done. 2 hours waiting and 15 minutes before the judge. I was there first followed by my wife. When she arrived, my wife came up and started to talk to me and then suggested we could get a seat while waiting on lawyer arrival. We actually had a good conversation. First in a long time. She has greatly improved on this medication. Time will tell.
Today at least will remove the fixation on divorce. She has walked away from a lot today including a great husband. I have to just keep moving forward and onto next phase of dbing. I can now get on with things without the courts hanging over everything. Now I can finish the house without any interference while planning my future.
I will say I was sad and did get a bit choked up today.
Matt, I believe today was the same as pulling off a bandaid quickly exposing the scab. The scab is now exposed. We will have to wait and see if it heals. If you can hammer out an agreement, Matt, the court part is really a small thing. It will relieve you of a lot and maybe allow you to focus on the future and leave the past in the past.
LT, hang in there buddy... We know how it is, not a lot of people do...
Nothing to add except I am sorry LT. Truly sorry---
I am sorry, LT. I know that isnt what you wanted.
But yes, it is a part of the process they some of them need to go through.
You are doing great.
Thanks everyone.
Yes, I believe it is uR. I also know I still have much to work on. Today is my worst day since Thursday court event. I got mail from bank that has our second mortgage. Apparently the account it was drawing from has changed by adding a $16.95 month charge. Wife got notice of change and did not inform me. Not only did they charge $5 per day for almost a month because the $16.95 was not in the account, but when I put the money in to cover the mortgage like I have for almost 2 years the drew the charges from it first leaving almost no money to cover the mortgage. So now I have a $30 late fee on that as well. So I am a bit upset and have to see what the bank will do now that we are divorced. Worst case is I will close the account and let them come after me to get the mortgage payment.
So even now she has hurt me by her refusal at times to communicate unless it is about her needs. I wish it were not so cold today or I would go for a walk.
So, yes I still have work on myself to not allow her to affect me by her actions.
My dear LT, you are hurting, I see you, I feel your pain... We could be brothers, you and me, similar ages, our respective Ws similar age, our children similar ages, I have a D(5) and a S(3). My BD was 2 months earlier than yours.
DETACH, GAL, 180 and be the best dad in the world for your kids. Don't think about your W, she currently does not give a rat's derrier about you. She is not the same person you knew, this person now you do not know, and trust me, you do not want to know!
It will get better, I promise you, just focus on you and your kids, try to live like she is a neighbor. Be civil, but nothing more. Always have your game face on, let her wonder why you are happy (even if you are not). Do not show feelings around her, if you are overwhelmed, cry in private, tears do wash and clean your soul. Stay busy and keep your mind off her. She is not worth your brain power. I am sure you have a ton of stuff you always wanted to do. Guess what, now you have the time. Go do stuff. Being single in a refreshing change after 15yrs. It will feel weird at first, but I am loving it now. Movies for 1? Why not? Having a beer too many with friends from time to time? Why not? The battle axe is not around to give you a hard time... Liberate your soul, the hurting does no one any good. She will not just snap out of it, she will not come running to your arms tomorrow. Now that you have time, analyze your shortcomings in the M and own your $hit as well. I know you were not the perfect H. Admit it to yourself, own your $hit, forgive yourself and improve yourself. Become the guy only an idiot would leave.
And to wrap it up, go to joelosteen.com, go under messages and have a look at the video release control. 30 minutes you will not regret. Go now, do, BE!
LT- I'm sorry to hear the D has gone through. I'm not far behind you.
The money issues are so frustrating! I'm dealing with the same thing right now and its crazy how oblivious they are.
Hope you are able to GAL and hang with your kids to keep focused on the positives. That scab will heal in time.
Hey LT,
I'm right behind you on the D thing, most likely end of month it'll be final. My sitch parallels this:
Today at least will remove the fixation on divorce. She has walked away from a lot today including a great husband. I have to just keep moving forward and onto next phase of dbing. I can now get on with things without the courts hanging over everything. Now I can finish the house without any interference while planning my future.
I will say I was sad and did get a bit choked up today.
Matt, I believe today was the same as pulling off a bandaid quickly exposing the scab. The scab is now exposed. We will have to wait and see if it heals. If you can hammer out an agreement, Matt, the court part is really a small thing. It will relieve you of a lot and maybe allow you to focus on the future and leave the past in the past.
It is a bittersweet thing, but in the end, there's no other way if they are so fixated on divorce as their key to finding...whatever it is they are looking for...
Like you, I get the house, the kids almost all the time, and the debt
...but I should be able to dig out of that within a couple years now that I have only my spending to deal with and control, lol.
Hang in there!
Hi T2,
Its funny how a bunch of us are coming to this point about the same time. I can say today at a week out that it has been anti climatic. The best thing is that now the courts and lawyers our out of my life and nothing in regards to the D is unresolved. So it is a great weight off the shoulders. I did find that it is easier to manage expenses without her being involved and spending money before bills are paid on non essentials.
I also believe it is a fresh start. The old marriage is over. The spouse can either find something else to fixate on as the cause of the unhappiness or get over it at this point. Time will tell. It also seems to bring more clarity to continue my own changes as well as what she would have to do before I would ever consider a new marriage with her. So, it was not the results I initially wanted, but I believe there is a silver lining in it.
So, it was not the results I initially wanted, but I believe there is a silver lining in it.
Believe it! Then again...the choice to see the silver lining is yours. Choose wisely.
Hi Everyone,
I have not posted much about my situation lately. Been letting the dust settle and see where things go. Things appear to be changing in a good direction both personal and professional. I have an interview tomorrow and hope to be entering the workforce again. Other things are improving and I hope to be able to report positive things soon. Keeping my fingers crossed on many fronts while not hoping for too much.
LT,
That's awesome!!! Glad to hear things are going well:-)
Good luck with the interview tomorrow!
So I spent most of Saturday with Ex doing taxes and some repairs for her. While traveling to and from the accountant we discussed kids as well as some of the issues. She vented that she had lost her home at one point. This is the most time we have spent alone together in about a year. I can see that she is still baking by some of her actions and words. While at the accountant she would not allow me to help her with her coat, Yet allowed me to open and close the door on the car for her. So, she is peaking out a bit, but still baking. I will have to take this real slow and not push. I have to remind myself to allow the relationship develop to what ever it will be without getting impatient. I also have to accept what comes and not get my hopes up or hurt in the process. Keep moving forward with my life.
Saturday night was fun. My oldest called and asked if we could go out to dinner. My oldest, her boyfriend, my youngest, and I went for Thai food as they wanted to try it. I took them to a place I knew and they had a great experience for their first time.
The interview was mixed feelings. Not sure yet as the man I was supposed to meet with had a customer issue and had very little time to spend so was rushed. Most of the hour was with the HR person. Will have to see as well as keep looking.
Hi Everyone,
Not a lot to report on. Like many others here I believe my ex was testing to see if I was still out there. She has resumed the non communicate stuff again. Like others I had hoped, but suspected she still had more cooking to do. So, I will once again learn my lesson and step back and continue to work on myself. I do wish that there was a rational explanation why they do this and keep doing this reaching out and then pulling back. I do notice a large amount of this happening right now on the board and suspect it may have something to do with the time of year. I always feel that by this time everyone is sick of the cold and being indoors. Maybe the MLCer just gets a bit more stir crazy than the rest of us.
On the job front I have a second interview tomorrow on this senior engineering position. If I am offered I will take the job. Deep down I think this whole experience has changed me and what I want for myself. I want to do something for myself now and want to start my own business. I know it is risky, but I will probably regret not trying. I know in the past my wife's fears held me back. I don't want to let her fears continue to define me now that we are no longer. So I see this job as an opportunity to fund me while I develop my own business.
Good luck with the interview tomorrow.
I am sitting here drinking my coffee and getting ready for my interview today. I will say that one thing that has taken a hit this past year is my confidence in myself. I don't know if this is common with the LBS who is dealing with an MLCer, but I can see it in myself. Today I am going to really have to push myself thru this and use this as part of rebuilding my confidence. I can say I have never been this unsure in my life. I think my feelings are based on how parts of my life have been out of my control for so long. I am wondering if I can work for someone else at this point or if I need to try and do something on my own. I would need a job as a short term solution to be able to fund starting my own thing anyhow. So I might look at this as a short term job to both help rebuild my confidence and to give me the room to start my own thing.
Props to you LT on the job interview. I hear you about the whole confidence issue but to the outside world I am sure you are confident and professional. The world does not view us through the narrow lense of our marriage.
Sending you lots of good karma for a successful interview.
I am sitting here this morning feeling bad for my youngest daughter, but not interfering. Last night she chose to find simple excuses for not going to her mothers. The excuses were trivial and certainly not worth staying with me versus her mother. I have my suspicions why she chose not to go. This morning she is up early, yet no talk of going to her mothers. I feel like she is kind of mourning the loss of the mother she knew.
I am still amazed at how MLCers can make the choices they make and hurt even their own children. I wonder what she will feel someday when she figures out how she damaged her relationship with her youngest daughter. How she stepped out to chase her own happiness and abandon her youngest daughter at a time when a girl needs her mother. Right now I know she will justify it to herself and say that D just needs to get over it. I wonder if it bother her deep down to know her daughter has made a choice to stay here rather than go to her place.