My previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2468916#Post2468916Re-posting the last update:
Update.
Went to vacation home last weekend. My male friend over there turned 60. It kind of put the things into perspective. His wife is 34, and their kid is not even 2. There were other friends visiting, who actually organized a small party. I was pulled into the conversation about H, again. It started just with the questions, but turned out to be an “advising, what to do” session. I was asked again why don’t I divorce H, why I would not leave the condo to H, I was told that my son will get over the whole thing and I should not worry about him. I was asked if I’m dating and I was told how it is just OK when people split up but still maintain the common friends. Now, this is from the couple who were never divorced (first and long lasting marriage for both, even though not without arguing and bickering), and who don’t have kids.
When I was leaving the vacation place yesterday, I was thinking that maybe they are right and I’m just a bad, stupid person again. I know, stinking thinking… I started to think that I do need to file for D and never go to the vacation home again. I’m so fed up with this.
When I was leaving for the vacation home on Friday, I received a text from H, saying that he “had” to pay him, and that now the company taxes are due. He said that he sent me a file. The text “sounded” like he was not that happy to send it. I was driving at that time, so didn’t respond until I had to stop before crossing the border. I replied to him saying that I was on my way to the vacation home and that I would take care of the taxes when I get back. I asked him if the pay day was on that day. He replied “yes”. I sent another text saying that I think I have until Wednesday to pay the taxes (they have to be paid in the next few days after the payroll.) There was no reply to that. I thought that he was not happy that I was going to the vacation home. Before my first reply I was thinking that he would be happy for me and wish me a good trip, then I would tell him about his friend’s B-day (I don’t think he remembered.) Since he just replied “yes”, I decided not to mention anything. I’m not his mother to remind him about his friend’s B-days.
I suspected that he was not in a good mood, because he said he “HAD” to pay himself. I know that he had, because he run out of money and would not have any to pay for the condo next month. But he also didn’t make as much money on the company books as he hoped for. Oh well, not my problem.
So, considering all that happed during my time at the vacation home and his grumpy texts, I was having these thoughts that I should just do something to end this. I was seriously thinking about filing for D, telling him to stop any mail to my house, removing all my stuff from the vacation home and not going there again.
When I came back home yesterday, I opened his e-mail with the file. And… there was a completely different tone. He addressed me by name, informed me about the payroll for him and asking me if I could pay the taxes, and if not to please send him the necessary documentation, so he could “attempt to do it” himself. He put his usual (good mood usual) “Hope all is well”. But then… in PS he asked me the QUESTIONS… “How was vacation home over Labor Day? Everything OK with the Condo?”
So, I guess he knows I was at the vacation home a few weeks ago from his brother (my BIL), who went to the wedding last week. I guess there was a talk about me. I wonder if BIL told all the family how he keeps close to my family and how we have good relationship and good times together. I’m curious if they were surprised.
Not sure what prompted H to ask these questions. It’s been a while since he wanted to know anything about me. Maybe he was just trying to be polite because he was asking me a favor?
So, what do I do now? Do I reply with some good news about my time at the vacation home? I think I will. At this point I just don’t care anymore if it will be DBing or not. I would reply to a friend. It is just this made me to take a step back again and question my readiness to file. I will give it a few days to see what happens with my feelings. I either will be back into the standing mode, or I will get more angry and determined.
And the reply from Job:
Bright,
Your friends and family mean well...but you need to learn to cut them off at the pass. When they begin asking questions or providing "advice", tell them that you appreciate all of their concern, but you will determine what is best for you and then change the subject. They are not walking in your shoes, hence, they don't understand what you are going through. Until they do the walk, they'll continue to offer free advice at every corner. Shut them down in a polite way.
As for your h, I would respond back to his text, just as you would an old friend. There is no harm in that. He asked you about your time away and I would share a bit w/him. Open the door just a little bit and maybe the communications w/him will get him to post more often.
Please do not allow others tell you what to do when it comes to how you are living your life.
BTW, I think I'm the 100th poster on your thread. Time to think about a new thread.
Job, you were indeed the 100th poster and locked right after that.
I just needed to get it out yesterday, didn’t even think that the thread would lock.
I do need to learn how to change the subject with my friends and family. I should know better by now.
As with H, as soon as I get used to not hearing from him and think that he is completely gone, he surprises me with some text or e-mail. So, it still up and down for me, even though the rollercoaster is a little slow right now. Like in slow motion. Still sickening...
You know I'm not going to offer anything better than what job said....
I do need to learn how to change the subject with my friends and family. I should know better by now.
This ^^^. We learn what we learn when we learn it. ....or.....so I'm learning.
How about you and I help each other? Kind of like work-out buddies.....
If I try not to beat myself up for MY stuff while I'm learning.....then Bright.....well, you get it
At this point I just don’t care anymore if it will be DBing or not.
I like this, and it's where I'm at too. We've been at this a long time. Best to just be true to ourselves and
be ourselves. Do and say what we want. (for the most part, anyway) Anything else seems too fake.
What ever happens, is going to happen.
I truly feel contentment and confidence is very attractive, and will take us far.
If I try not to beat myself up for MY stuff while I'm learning.....then Bright.....well, you get it
Yes, Shining, I will try to keep up with your thread. You are going way too fast for me. I only have so much time to read and update. Thanks for stopping by.
FY, thanks for validating. I’m at the point when anything I do in regards to H doesn’t make any difference anyway. So, I will just say what I feel, and if he doesn’t like it, he will not ask for updates next time.
And here I go again. Down… Text exchange with H today:
H: Hi I’m not sure if you sent the file back to me yet but if you can please do tonight, I need to do some invoicing tomorrow.
Me: Sure, I will.
H: Thanks
So, what gives again? Yesterday he was addressing me by name and using some punctuation. Today, he “sounds” like he really doesn't want to communicate with me, but has to. It still kind of polite, but more dry. Am I reading too much into it?
Anyway, I sent him the file and replied to his questions about vacation home. I told him that we had a great time with my sister and her son over the labor day weekend and that this weekend was great too, also mentioned my dog. Gave him a small update on the condo as well. He will probably go into the hole now. I don’t care.
The texts and e-mails don’t bother me anymore, I just still like to analyze. I would give a lot to know what is going on in his head.
I have more mail for him. I think it is registration for his truck that he just renewed. And another Playboy… I will send this to him this weekend. I’m just curious, how long does he think I will be doing all this for him.
hey hi-
i'm voting that you just be you- respond if it's courteous and you're a courteous person. be nice, if you're a nice person- don't change the essential you for this guy.
i try to keep being who I AM - not allow whatever going on with H to change me into someone- something i don't like.
like you- i have moments of severe reservation- and like you, it is instigated by GIANT convos with well-meaning friends - that makes me plunge BACKWARD into 'THIS ALL".
i need to quit it too. on one hand- it's true and happened and (perhaps) should be part of the consideration. maybe tho- if we truly do consider it a bit of "insanity" of some sort- we don't really ahve to re-live it over and over.
maybe we need to let that go- and if we are cruising along in life pain-free for moments when we don't think about it - we need to go with that.
everythign you say- about your vacation- resonates. i think we alllll feel this junk you feel too. don't be pressured to make "an end". if you're not ready to.
i used to wake in nite , my mind demanding i 'DO SOMETHING". It was hard as heck to ignore- i did manage tho. major victory in self-control? (somewhat)
people cannot know what you feel or are going thru - i know this, because 15 or so years ago my sister went thru same thing- and i was trying to be helpful and supportive- and honestly, i had no idea of the mental/emotional devastation. honest- i still feel embarassed and sad that i could not have known & been more helpful. she is deadnow- unless you've been thru it- you cannot conceptualize (well, even if the poor sap in the hot seat describes accurately- it's hard to believe.
you're doing great i think- hanging on- that's the main thrust of this isn't it? hanging on, being pleasant but not pursuing, etc. and alllll the rest. key feature- still "in the picture" despite it all....good luck
xxo
Bright,
Your h could have had a bad day or something was on his mind when he posted requesting the file. Trying to analyze his mood by the tone of his emails is difficult, especially when you aren't around him. Just be yourself when you interact w/him.
Again, if receiving his mail is bugging you, then do something about it, either advise him that he needs to put in a change of address and get a PO Box or have it forwarded to his friend's place, whereby it doesn't come to you.
You are the only one that has the power to change things that are going on in your life. Try not to allow his interactions bring you down.
You have been doing a great job. Don't allow others to convince you to file for a divorce. You'll know when you've had enough.
Bright,
YOU are a wonderful, strong, capable woman. If you aren't ready to file, then it's nobody's GD business but your own.
Something about our broken marriages brings out every opinion from everyone. It's exhausting.
Own your decisions. Own it. YOU aren't ready to file. OWN IT. We all support you here, no matter what you decide.
My family is full of some really opinionated, controlling, domineering personalities and I have had to, for my own sanity, tell them to all shut the Eff up. Shut up and allow me to hear my own voice.
I hear struggling with what you think you SHOULD be doing and what you WANT to do.
This isn't there marriage, their life, their whatever. Marriage is a covenant and you are treating it with the seriousness it deserves. You are honoring your vows. Not a damn thing wrong with that.
But, Bright, if you are sick of forwarding him his porn...put a stop to it. That has to feel kinda gross...you bring up the Playboy a lot.
He's had it pretty good in all of this. He knows you are there as a safety net when he needs you. Maybe think about putting up some thicker boundaries so you don't feel compromised. That has nothing to do with the marriage license...that's just about your integrity and confidence. Ask for what you deserve.
If you are serious about shaking things up...What about texting him something like, "Hey D-bag, get your Playboy delivered to your own damn house. Think you can handle that?"
Seriously, rock the boat a bit see what happens. He ain't going nowhere.
Bright,
I agree with Lois, but maybe do it in a little different fashion.
I would send him an email and ask him to change his address at the post office. Explain to him that you find his taste in subject matter to be offensive and you would prefer that it not come to your home. Suggest to him that if he is unable to do it himself or not willing too then the only alternative you will have is to file a change of address for him at the post office having his mail redirected to his place of employment.
I am sure this will get an immediate response with out being too confrontational.
I appear to be in a confrontational mood today. Take Life's advice. :-)
Although, it would be awesome to see what he says. I got a million of em, if you want more suggestions...
Hey, Cap'n Wackadoo! Have your porn delivered to YOUR OWN damn doorstep.
OR...
Buy a subscription to Playgirl and have it sent to HIS house. Do they even have Playgirl anymore?
I need to go get busy. I'm just avoiding spending money.
Nero, I know what you mean about thinking “DO SOMETHING”. This comes up every time I have these “well meaning” friends to give an advice or question me why I haven’t filed for D yet. I've read some of your posts and I'm glad you are doing better these days.
Job, thanks for the encouragement, that I've been doing a great job. The mail doesn't bother me that much. I don’t go out of the way to send it, I do it when I can. When I feel like I don’t want to do it anymore, I will put a stop on it. Which could happen soon…
Heather, Life’s Twists, you made me think. Yes, I bring up the Playboy every time I send the mail to him. But, I don’t feel gross or offended by the fact that it is Playboy. I don’t know, maybe there is something terribly wrong with me? H have been subscribing to this magazine forever, since before I met him. I knew about it upfront. It never bothered me to know that H reads and looks at it. I guess I was confident enough to not be bothered by him looking at other naked women. I would not call it porn either. Just my opinion.
I know that other people have problems with it. I've met other women who were kind of shocked that I was ok with H openly having this magazine in the house. The reason I bring it up “a lot” is that I think that I’m doing H a huge favor. I don’t think he understands that yet. Not every woman would tolerate this magazine in the house, not even mentioning mailing it to him.
The only thing that I realized recently that was related to this magazine is that I was subconsciously trying to compete with the women in it, in terms of looking perfect all the time, having a perfect body and perfect skin, perfect hair, etc. I thought that my looks would guarantee that H will never look away. Now I know how wrong I was. He secretly fancied our friend, who is way out of shape and cannot even compare to me.
Now I just want to be me, whatever shape and form I am. I actually like me more than before the BD.
I don’t know if it comes across in a different way than what I’m trying to post. This Playboy subject seemed to strike some strong feelings here, which was not my intent. I just mentioned it as a fact.
Heather, thank you always for your support. I've been learning from your experience a lot.
Now I need to figure out how I will respond to friends and family when they ask me questions or give me unwanted advice without feeling uncomfortable. I have to learn this.
I guess I scarred everyone with this “Playboy” subject. I will not bring it up again, I promise.
As I expected there is SILENCE from H. Why does he even bother to ask the questions if he doesn’t want to engage in a conversation? I just cannot imagine his moods swing like that, from being nice and polite to rude and childish.
He was supposed to receive another mail from me yesterday with his truck registration and other stuff… This time there is no “thank you”.
Lol, I ain't scared of no playboy.
.
I doubt you'll typically hear thank yous and have engaging conversations, if he's in MLC. H is bouncing and flailing around in lalaland......not thinking manners, for sure. Expect zero, right?
Hey Bright!
Personally, I think you should model for Playboy and send him that edition. Ha! I bet that would get his attention.
You didn't scare me off, Bright. It takes a lot more than that. Waaaaayyy more.
Their silence is weird sometimes, right. You just wish you knew what he was thinking? Well.... maybe sometimes. But, man, when you think you knew someone?! It is a difficult concept to grasp... the unknown of someone you were so connected with.
I hope you are well. How's the GAL going? I'm taking small steps.
Say *cheese*, Bright!
Might, you made me laugh. I know that the pictures in the Playboy are very refined. They are taken from a certain angle and then all the flows are covered by the editing. If they do this for me, I will look pretty good in there, LOL. I just can imagine H’s expression if he would see me in one of the editions
GAL is not going well for me sometimes. I just want to be home by myself. But I get the moments sometimes. I went to a happy hour with the people I work with yesterday. I talked to a couple of guys and found out that one of them goes to the same place where my vacation home is for the off roads traces every year. He actually races in a motorcycle. Whoa! I have somebody to cheer for next time I go to watch the races. And this will be so in H’s face, because one of his complaints was that I didn’t keep in touch with people. Now I have more activity going over at the vacation place than him. He was not able to get anybody to go there with him. I, on the other hand, had my sister and family, my son and his GF, my GF from a different state, and two of my neighbors who want to go next time. Yay!
Ooohhh!!!! BF!!!!
PHOTOSHOP YOUR FACE ON THE PLAYBOY BABES!!!
Do they still do a centerfold????
I would pay anything to see THAT reaction.
Loved your idea, Mighty....you're my kinda gal.
I talked to a couple of guys and found out that one of them goes to the same place where my vacation home is for the off roads traces every year. He actually races in a motorcycle. Whoa! I have somebody to cheer for next time I go to watch the races. And this will be so in H’s face, because one of his complaints was that I didn’t keep in touch with people. Now I have more activity going over at the vacation place than him. He was not able to get anybody to go there with him. I, on the other hand, had my sister and family, my son and his GF, my GF from a different state, and two of my neighbors who want to go next time. Yay!
That's what I'm talkin' about, Brigh!
Between your upcoming spread in Playboy and motorcycle friend, you will get his attention.
He may be quiet, but he's watching. He is probably lost in his own confusion most of the time, but I am sure he pays attention whenever he notices something different with you.
Keep moving along. I wish I was close by to show up with a bottle of wine. Sometimes I find that the best way for me to GAL is when someone springs it on me and I don't have time to think about it.
GAL is not going well for me sometimes. I just want to be home by myself. But I get the moments sometimes. I went to a happy hour with the people I work with yesterday.
I know that I have to sometimes force myself out of the house especially on weekends, other wise I sit and "think" about this mess too much.
Glad you got out and had fun.
IMO- the playboy thing would not bother me. My H use to always watch porn, and now that I think about it, he has stopped or at least now hides it from me? Hmmmm
How are ya, Bright?
What's new?
How's your GAL going?
Hey Mighty, thanks for stopping by. I've been reading all your threads. As much as I can of course. I can barely keep up with all the updates on your thread, Shining’s, 2BHappy’s, and some others. You guys are way too fast for me, LOL. When it comes to writing about my sitch, it’s even slower. English is my second language, so it takes time for write. I have to think about how to formulate a sentence in a right way, and also tend to skip words and letters when I type.
2BHappy, thanks for telling my about playboy. I just don’t think it is the same as porn. I would not be OK with porn. Now, thinking back about some stuff, I have my doubts that H didn’t look at porn, occasionally.
Anyway, I had some GAL last week, spilling into this one. Last Monday, as I mentioned, I had a happy hour. I also went to lunch with a coworker. On Thursday I went for lunch with an acquaintance. We went to the café overlooking the beautiful beach. On Friday I was invited to a Pampered Chef party, we had some food and drinks and ended up buying some stuff. On Saturday I went to my sisters’, as usual. My Mom arrived on Saturday as well, and she is staying with my sister. This Monday was Mom’s B-day and went to my sister’s again for dinner. And now, I’m going to my vacation home this Thursday with my neighbor!
I’m actually exhausted. I was had very low energy on Sunday, so I didn't do what I needed to do, and now I’m paying for it, running to the stores, trying to get all items that my friends from vacation home asked me bring for them, plus other stuff that I need for me.
So, my Mom is here for a few weeks. I hope I can handle it better than last year. I kind of dreaded it to some extent. I was thinking that when she would see me, she would say that I gain some weight. Guess what… These were exactly her words as soon as she saw me. Mind you it is about 5LB more from last year. But, this is how my Mom always was. She would notice every little flow with me and would not hesitate to mention it. And guess what she is doing now... She is making some pies for my sister and me. Even though my sister told her that I've been trying to lose some of my weight.
I don’t know if I’m reaching the point when I’m ready to completely drop the rope. I’m going to the vacation home, but no I longer want to see H’s stuff there. This is a new feeling for me. I have moments when I want to replace some items, so they would be mine and not remind me of the old life. I’ve just re-read the e-mails that I saved, where H is communicating with this Mexican girl he wanted to start the relationship with. It hurt. He was telling her that he was so sorry that she was hurt by her cousins’ (my GF at the vacation home) words. He also mentioned that my GF (actually our mutual friend) was also hurt, but just to give it some time to heal. Sigh… There was no mention of any of them hurting me in the process. It doesn't seem like he was thinking that I might be hurt by his actions either.
Oh well. I knew I would be hurt again when reading this, but I think I’m just looking for something to get me unstuck. If it is disdain and growing disrespect for H, so be it. I need to get out of this continuing limbo somehow. I’m running out of patience.
I'm glad your neighbor is going w/you to you vacation home. Your neighbor will provide some company on the trip as well as at your place. In fact, the neighbor may enjoy seeing the area and it will give you something else to think about besides your h. Will your friends be coming over to visit while you are there? If so, maybe they won't bring up what your h is or isn't doing these days. It would be nice if you could just leave your situation at home and just enjoy a few days of rest, sun and fun for a change.
If some items are bothering you, then move them and/or replace them w/things that you enjoy while you are there. There's nothing wrong in doing this. Make it your space during your stay.
Bottom line, drive safely and enjoy your time away w/the company of your neighbor.
Job, thanks for stopping by. My neighbor (and friend) is very excited about this trip. She knows my H and might actually give me some new prospective about the whole thing when she sees my vacation place. My friends over there are already expecting us. We are invited for dinner. I’m bringing them some stuff too, as I always do. They normally don’t bring H subject when I have a company, so it will be fine.
Thanks for wishing us a safe drive. I believe that universe somehow watches out for me. I kind of procrastinated to do the oil change for my car, it was due some time ago. Today I decided to do it during the lunch time, because I wanted to make sure that it would be safe to drive. So, I took it to my mechanic and he told me that there was a nail in one of the tires. I noticed that it was a little low too. I took the car to the shop and they fixed it. I spent 2 hours instead of 1 I originally planned, but I’m glad I did it. It should be safe to drive now!
Bright
Have a great time at your vacation home, GAL as much as possible.
Try your best to NOT give your H a minute of your thoughts. If you start to think of him replace that thought with something else ASAP!
Well, this is the time of the month again… when H transfers money for the condo mortgage to my account. He’s been pretty consistent to do it on the 15th of each month. He actually almost got me trained, LOL. Yesterday at work I noticed that it was the 15th, so I checked my phone expecting a text from H. It was not there by 6 pm, so I started to worry something was up and I would not get the money. He texted after 7 pm, which would be after 9 pm his time. The text was exactly the same as last month, word for word. I noticed it after 9 pm my time, so I waited until this morning to text back “Thank you”.
Anyway, this is getting quite boring. I mean my sitch with H.
On a positive note, I and my neighbor/friend had a great time at the vacation place! She loved it so much that she is planning to bring her family (H and son) over there very soon, so they could enjoy it too. She said that now she knows why I keep going there so often.
There was no avoiding H in the conversations because she was asking so many questions about how we learnt about this place and all the history. We went out for girls night with my GF over there and the conversation about H came up again. They both said that they feel like H is going to want come back one day, but I will be involved in another R by then and will not want him back.
The good part is that my neighbor/friend was through a D once, it took her 5 years to recover, so she understands what I’ve been going through. And she is not pushing and not telling me to D him, just do what feels right for me. I like that. I was just able to give my side of the story without any judgment or advice from her. She actually learnt a couple of things about my H, she said that she is going to slap him if she sees him next time.
My male friend over there told me that he spoke with H recently and H told him that he was not happy about his job situation. He has not made enough money he wanted to. Oh well, this means he will have to keep working until he!! freezes (I mean the ground) in that state, and I can keep using the vacation home.
I’m exhausted. There was a happy hour for my friends’ B-day yesterday. Today I went to her surprise B-day party at the pool of the appt complex she lives in. It was also my BIL (sister’s H) b-day yesterday, so they had a dinner for that tonight. I don’t think I can drink any more wine, for at least a weeks, LOL.
In a midst of all the texts going back and forth between my friends, my sister and me, I got a text from H. “Hi Bright, has my ballot arrived yet. (notice that there a no question mark here) I want to make sure I vote”
Whaaat? He doesn’t live in this state… Why would he care about all this local election stuff and the Mayor? Actually, I mailed his ballot to him yesterday. The good girl I am…
So, my first thought was to respond to him telling him that I mailed the ballot and that he would receive it on Monday. Then I thought that I’ve been making it too easy for him, so why not make him to work a little… I texted back telling him that his ballot arrived. That’s it. I was thinking that naturally he would ask me to mail it to him… No response so far. Well, I waited to respond to him for like 3 hours. I was busy running around and I’m sorry, he is not my first propriety anymore… So, maybe he went to bed, haha, and could not respond to me.
I will see if he responds tomorrow. WTF is wrong with this guy? Does he expect me to always be there for him? Like he said he wants to be sure he votes, so I’m supposed to just jump through the hoops to make that happen? I think he still relates to this place as his home base. He was in this state for a total of 3 or days this year. He will be here maybe for another 3 pr 4 days at the end of the year. Why… why… why… he wants to vote here?
OK, I’m actually not looking for an answer. I know his behavior is strange. But, I don’t give a sh!t. If I don’t any messages from him tomorrow, I will let him know that I mailed the ballot.
So, no follow up message from H. Now I get it. The absence of a question mark in his sentence about his ballot means that he kind of expects me to mail it to him, he doesn’t need to ask me, just point out that he wants to make sure “he votes”. And then I should figure out what to do next – mail it to him. I’m still curious about that behavior. I have a few thoughts on this:
1. He is not comfortable asking me to mail his ballot to him
2. He is testing if I am still this considerate “friend” who does him favors without him asking
3. He is selfish SOB.
4. All of the above.
I guess I’m at the point when if I need something from him, I will just ask. But try not to need anything from him. I will be asking for an updated company file shortly, because it looks like I’m picking some extra work on the side, which I want to run through the company. I know that he is kind of dependent on me in terms of convenience of having my address for some of his mail and having me as a back up on the condo mortgage. Maybe he feels trapped, IDK. He was the guy who always able to make the hard decisions and follow up with them. The only hard decision he’s made so far is separate from me.
If he is not comfortable with asking me for favors, he can change that.
I know this probably comes across as one of the posts about mail subject again. And I will probably get an advice, once again, to tell him to send his mail somewhere else. I’m going to pull mkaingmajic and just be stubborn here. Plus, it is not that it is the fact that I send him his mail bothers me. I find myself constantly curious about what is going on with H these days and when he is going to take any action. I know that I’m not ready for action on my side yet, but I’m ready to response to his.
In a sense, I feel that by not taking any action myself, I’m torturing the poor guy and make him suffer through these uncomfortable moments of asking me for favors.
Bright,
I support whatever you decide with the mail. I think it's amazing how you've been so patient and able to learn so much through this one connecting thread.
You are learning what works for you and what doesn't.
Bright,
Only you can decide what is best for you. Your h is mia and he's not made a move one way or the other about the situation of whether or not to stay married or not and yes you are curious. He knows that you will take care of things and that's a compliment in many ways, but there are times when it gets to you. I get that, I really do.
I do think the mail situation bugs you, but it's really not the main thing that does...it's how he communicates w/you. When he communicates w/you, it's usually very short and impersonal and it bugs you because you know that this isn't the way he use to be. I don't think he's testing you. I do think he knows that you'll take care of things for him. Bright, he knows you very well and knows that you will not do anything to harm him in any way and he also knows that you care enough about him and others that you'll go out of your way to make sure his mail or other transactions are taken care of.
If you need something from him, then ask. Don't be afraid to do so. I may be wrong, but from what you've posted, he's not going to take any action in the way of divorcing you. He's quite comfortable w/the way things are. He probably doesn't even think about how this separation is affecting you because you remain very calm and do not make demands on him when you communicate w/him. He may very well think that you are just as content as he is w/the way things are. No one truly knows what goes through their heads unless they spew forth.
I wish that things were different for you and your family. He may very well be one of those guys who continues to live off the radar for many years to come. No one knows what the future holds, but we have to live our lives to the fullest no matter what happens.
Bright, you'll know what you need to do when the time is right.
Thanks Job and Heather.
Job, you are so right about H's communication with me. He treats me like a complete stranger who he doens't even like.
He maybe very well be one of those guys who continues to live off the radar for many years to come.
This is very sad. It made me cry this morning when I read it.
And I'm sill not feeling any better now. I sent H another text yesterday telling him that I already mailed his ballot to him on Friday and he should reveive it today. He hasn't even acknowledge it. Now I'm thinking that he is pushing my buttons, trying to provoke me. I don't have any other explanation why he would be so rude.
Bright,
There could be any number of reasons why he's not responded back. He could be very busy and left his phone in his truck, the battery has died or he hasn't had a chance to look at his phone. Please try not to assume what he may or may not be doing. I don't see him pushing your buttons at all. Give the man some time to acknowledge the text message, i.e., not everyone lives for their phone messages. Now, if he doesn't respond by Thursday, then I would say, something has happened and he's not acknowledging it.
Now about my comment about there are some who live off the radar for many years to come. I have a DB friend who is in that situation. Her h walked out just about 15 years ago and they are still living separately and they have not divorced. She went on w/her life, he still pays the mortgage on the home she lives in and he's moved to and from the west/east coast and now lives back in the state where he originally lived. He has purchased a farm and is raising some nice animals and continues to work his day job. How are things? Well, they remain cordial and the last time I heard from her, they were still emailing periodically. So, yes, some do remain off the radar for many years until someone makes a move to divorce and finally let go and move on for themselves.
Yes, the person in crisis will treat the spouse like a stranger or better yet, their mother/father figure or in your case, he may look to you as a someone who will take care of things for him. In fact, he knows you will.
For now, sit quietly, don't assume anything and let's see what transpires next. Assumptions will give you stinking thinking each and every time and you know what? Generally 99% of the time that stinking thinking is incorrect.
Keep the focus on you and your life. You've got a lot of living to do.
Job, I think H is attached to his phone. Texting has been his preferred method of communication with friends and all these "cool" sociable single women. He normally responds to my texts right away, especially when he asks for something. This is unusual. After two of my texts and mail that is most likely already arrived, he chose to ignore me.
I even started to worry yesterday that something has happened to H. Then I got some proof that he was indeed alive and functioning. Then I was mad... At him... Then at me... For not having the courage to just tell him off and stop this. I was thinking why I keep allowing him to use my address and forwarding his mail to him.
I had this picture of a confused man, who is having a hard time sorting things out, who is not very successful in making enough money to do what he wants to do in life. I had a picture of "old" H, still a good guy, just going through some difficult times.
Maybe I am wrong and he turned into a complete j&rk.
15 years is a long time to be in limbo. I hope it will not come to this for me. After all, H said that he is not going to live longer than 15 years anyway, LOL.
I think that if H. Onto use to be rude and disrespectful like this, it will be a lot easier for me to make a decision.
Bright,
I'm sorry that he's not responded back. He could very well assume that he doesn't owe you a response. There are some people out there that will ask us to do something and never acknowledged that they received the requested product. They are either too busy to think about acknowledging the person or they just care about getting the item and think that we are okay w/little or no acknowledgement.
We don't know what is going on w/your h or how the wheels in his head are turning, but some do become forgetful along the way. I'm not making excuses for his behavior by any means, but they do have memory loss and that could be something to think about.
Keep in mind that you are expecting him to respond the way that you would or the way he would have a year or so ago. Expectations have a way of disappointing or making us angry. Let it go. It's not worth harboring a bit of anger and allowing it to ruin your week.
But, as I've said before, when you've had enough, you'll know what to do.
Hey Bright. What a crummy thing to have to deal with. The uncertainty stinks. I can't encourage you enough to keep moving on with yourself. I think it is Ok to focus on yourself and try to move on. By that I don't mean you are giving up on him. I just mean, you will start a new life for you. And when/if he comes a knocking... you will show him what you're about, and he can show you what he's about. Then take if from there.
You are an amazing woman, Bright. I wish you were closer so we could do some GAL together. But I know you are very, very far away from me. So, find some things you can do for you. I like you had someone to go to the vacation home with. What about doing something different, too? Maybe going someplace new for the weekend? That could be fun!
Thinking of you.
Bright,
I'm sorry you're having a tough time. The distance can really mess with our heads, can't it?
I often feel EXACTLY the same way about my H:
I had this picture of a confused man, who is having a hard time sorting things out, who is not very successful in making enough money to do what he wants to do in life. I had a picture of "old" H, still a good guy, just going through some difficult times.
Maybe I am wrong and he turned into a complete jerk
Either way, whether he's really struggling or just being a jerk....YOU MATTER. Regardless of H. You are an incredible woman. Don't forget that.
Mighty had a great idea....about going somewhere new.
(((((Hugs)))))
hi Bright! Thanks for checking up on me. I've been reading some of your current threads, and was wondering, have you actually
seen your H in the past 2 1/2 years, or has all your communication been emails and text messages? This must be extremely rough on you, my poor friend. It sounds like you never split your business apart either....
I often wonder what is worse - having your MLCer living in your home, so you have to witness all of their shenanigans in person, or having a WAH who keeps contacting you via text, whose shenanigans you can only imagine, like you have for so long? I have learned that the romantic, sensual, loving, fulfilling relationship I imagined my ex and the Russian to have has turned out to be
far from the truth.
I laughed, having just turned 62, when you said you have a mental picture of "old H" 15 years from now, a doddering old man "still a good guy, just going through some difficult times." But you are right Bright, 15 years is
WAY too long to live in Limbo. I was sorry to read that you read all of your H's emails to that young Mexican girl. Bleech. That must have hurt, don't do that to yourself anymore, okay?
How is your visit with your mom going? I remember what a fiasco that was last year
Job, it is amazing how you hit the mail in the head. H texted yesterday “Thanks, I got it” regarding the mail. One day earlier than you suggested (you said by Thursday), which gives more hope that I will not be the case of 15 years in limbo (like you described about your DB friend), but maybe a bit less, LOL.
Mighty, Shining, thank you.
Mighty, I feel like would also do some GAL with you and we would have so much fun. If you look at my sitch from outside, it does look like I have a new life and moving on. I do GAL, I just not always post it here. Too tired sometimes, and sometimes just discouraged because I don’t have much activity on my thread, and I’m too lazy to just journal. I also don’t have much energy recently. And this is where I feel like I’m stuck and not moving on.
I go to work every day and I’m so busy there, that I barely think about H. I like my job and I enjoy working with people. I also feel valuable. So, no problems on this front. But, when I come home, I feel very different. This is where all the sadness comes out. Night after night I’m thinking that I need to do something, to change it, but I don’t have energy and motivation. Sometimes I wonder how long this is going to last.
Linda, what a surprise to “see” you visiting my thread! You have very good memory. You remember the details of my sitch very well. I do see H occasionally, when he drives through the city on his way either to vacation home or back to where he works. I saw him back in March when we were at the off roads races at the vacation home place with my son and other friends. I saw him every day when I was there. He went out of his way to help us with setting up to watch the races. He came to the places I was with my friends at. I remember folks on this board were cheering me up, saying that it was a good sign and they had hope for me. Well, H went MIA after that again. I’m thinking he might have been testing the waters to see if we can be “best friends”, like he envisioned after BD. I guess it didn’t feel quite comfortable for him.
Then I saw him in May when he came to the house to pick up more stuff and use the tools to do some fixing on his camper.
By “old” H I meant the H I used to know, I was not relating to his age. Old in age is very relative definition these days. My friend at the vacation home just turned 60 and he has a young wife (34) and a 2-year old son. And he is still flirting with other women, b@stard.
Yes, I was re-reading the e-mail exchanges between H and Mexican girl again. I don’t know why I was doing it, to make myself hurt again? I think I’m trying to justify why I’m still feeling sad inside. I have a good life. I have a great job, enough money, I have a house, I can go to the vacation home, I have good friends, great son, great family, neighbors... I’m healthy, independent, likable… I don’t have anything to complain about. And yet, I still feel sadness inside. Maybe by reading the e-mails I was trying to intentionally hurt myself, so at least I would know why I feel like that.
Linda, you also remember about my Mom’s visit last year. This year is not that dramatic. She is at my sister’s and she is here for a shorter time. My poor sister is losing her patience, but it is only a few more days before my Mom goes home.
Linda, thanks for stopping by, my friend, and for your support. Always good to “see you” here.
Bright,
You remind me so much of myself. You expressed how I feel most of the time. I, too, have a good life with nothing to complain about. But the sadness is like a heavy wet blanket. I am good when I am at work, too. (Last year was a very, very different story- I guess that shows progress??) But when I come home, I get into a funk. I can't stand it. It makes me drag. I just don't know how to shake it. Should I move? I don't know. I know the kids would be upset, but I think deep down, they feel it too.
I don't know, Bright, I am not sure how to totally shake it. Just keep focus on the good feelings. Make them happen more, I guess. I think it is hard when you aren't really sure what direction to go. It's like I'm waiting for someone to come along and help me out with it or something. At this point in my life, everyone has got their own life and things going on. And it is mostly couples and I feel weird. And I feel like I miss out because of that too.
Something will change it. If you figure it out, let me know. I will do the same for you! If you are ever heading to the east coast... give me a heads up!
Mighty, you described it very well. This is what I’m feeling too. I also started thinking about moving, if it would change things for me. But, I like my house, I love the kitchen cabinets that my son built. I don’t even see H in this house anymore. And I like my neighborhood and most of my neighbors . So, I am on the fence about it. The good thing is I still can afford to stay in the house on my own, so no hurry on the decision here.
I have a dream that in a few years, when my son is older and wants to start a family, I could leave this house for him, and get me a smaller place somewhere close by. He will have to pay the mortgage, of course.
Thanks for inviting me to visit with you. I feel a great connection to you. I went through somewhat similar experience with my first xh, the father of my son. I know the pain. He was officially dating a young girl while he was still married to me and our son was 4. I mean “officially” dating, he presented himself to her parents as a potential fiancé and was taking them to the doctor’s appointments while refusing to do this for my son. There was no sign of him leaving the M yet. I suppose he would do BD on me later, but I caught him cheating and kicked him out. He tried to come back later, but I was way over him.
If you are ever in Southern Cal, let me know too. I will take you to the vacation home for a girls weekend out!
I have some thoughts I’ve been wanting to share here, but I’m just so tired… This week has been very busy. I participated at the Fall Festival at work, where each department had a team. We set up a table with decorations, prepared some food, served drinks and dressed up for this. We had so much fun. I’m finally starting to get to know people at work, so hopefully I will make more friends I can go out with.
I’ve heard a lot of positive feedback about me from people who thought that I was just a quite nerd at my desk. A few people said that I was fun to hang around with and they would invite me to the parties. Yay! Take this, H… He blamed me at BD that I was not sociable enough and didn’t keep in touch with people I met. He would be for a surprise here... But… He is far away…
Keep going, Bright! I'm so happy for you. I'm getting tired too....
Bright, so glad to hear you are broadening your horizons!! I'm so tired lately and haven't been keeping up as I wish! I'm sorry for the lag. I do read....but new job making it hard to stay in the loop!
You sound great. I'm glad you're a fellow nerd as I saw on my thread!! Nerd cheerleaders unite !!
And now, sleeeeeep.....
Happy to hear you're doing great, Bright!
Bright,
I'm very happy to see that others have stated that they will be inviting you to their activities. Sometimes it takes a while for others to see the true us. Broaden those horizons and enjoy life a bit.
Keep up the good work!
Bright,,continue to GAL and moving forward.
What are your plans for you? What are your thoughts on "standing" for your M?
I'm just asking because I wonder what your thoughts are for your future?
Thank you Mighty, Shining, Job, and 2BHappy. Last week was exhausting. Running to the stores in preparation for that work event, then cleaning up, also trying to do the work... Then handing out the candy on the 31st. My son and his GF came to my house, I cooked dinner in between answering the door, while my son was working on my laptop and checking out the new one I won.
Oh, did I forget to mention that I won a laptop in a ruffle last Wednesday. It was totally unexpected, because I won a prize last time at the company event. Two times in a row!
I was also invited to join my GFs and a couple of other friends last Friday to go to a bar that had a Halloween party. I didn’t last long, because I was very tired by then.
Yesterday I could do anything, I just wanted to sleep all day.
2BHAppy, I don’t really have specific plans for my future. I’m just leaving day by day, enjoying the good things and still processing the bad. Wait, I take it back. I do have some plans, like I want to change the bedroom furniture, I want to fix the backyard, I want to visit my GFs who live in other states. I also started thinking about having a partner in my life. I’m not quite ready, I enjoy my single life too much right now, plus I’m still healing. And the feeling that I would not want H back the way he is (or the way he was in the last few years of our M) is getting stronger.
Here is what’s been bothering me recently. I’ve learnt that H is going to the vacation home during the Thanksgiving week. Obviously he wants to join our mutual friends there for dinner and stuff. Previously I didn’t have a problem with that. And now I do.
My mutual friends were taking care of H while he was there, and remained good friends to him. Invited him for dinners, helped him with the bills, etc. I was happy that they were taking care of him.
Something has changed recently. I just don’t like the thought that they are still close. It bothers me that they are going to invite him for dinner like a family member. I don’t know what it is, jealousy, anger, IDK. It occurred to me that our mutual friends are in an essence the OW. H left his family and they gladly accommodated him in theirs. Anybody has any thought on this? I feel like I’ve been cheated by my friends. Especially the female one. I want her to take my side. I don’t want her to be so accommodating and welcoming to H. Am I going backwards? Why am I feeling this way? I want to think that I’m finally starting to let the rope go, which is a good thing. But, at the same time I feel torn. I have no idea how I will be handling this with my friends. Do I also let them go?
Bright,
I think it makes a lot of sense.
These friends have put themselves right into the thick of things between you and your H.
When I discovered a month ago that a former best friend of mine had spent time living and partying with Smokey and his OW...it really blew me away. I felt punched in the stomach.
I can't tell you what to do in respect to your friendship. But, I will say that I think it's really healthy that you're feeling angry with them. They have pushed your buttons and enabled your H for a long time.
They've been a big strand in this really entangled situation with your H. I can see how they have made it more difficult for you to move forward. I can't imagine getting inside information regularly about Smokey. I think it would break me, at this point. Even now, hearing about the former best friend really cut deep.
For me, it's easier for me to keep his life a safe distance from mine.
What do YOU think? This isn't your first day at the rodeo, Bright. Trust yourself. You are a different woman than when you started on these boards. Whether you realize it or not.
Much love to you,
Heather
Hey Bright! I understand your frustrations with your friends. Part of me feels that with xh's family. I realize they are family, but so are my kids. Instead of being so accepting of hww and his choices, cant they say they are sad they have hurt my kids and wont be so welcoming? They haven't reached out to my kids once. Except for his one brother, his parents nor any other siblings (xh is on of seven), not one person has reached out once in the past year to see how they are doing. Not even the one who lives 2 doors down.
I is hurtful to think that others would be so welcoming to someone who has hurt their family. In your case, your friends. I get it, Bright.
I am not sure what to tell you. I think it depends on how you really feel and where you see your life headed. Is their friendship that important to you? Or do you see being "friends" from a distance, or do you see your future in a totally different direction?
I like seeing you making progress and feeling ready to make some changes. That's exciting stuff! Good for you!
Heather, thanks for telling me that it is ok to feel angry with my friends. You said something I was afraid of saying out laud, that they in fact have been enabling H. The inside information was not a big deal until now, since they pretty much were telling me what I wanted to hear, like H has not been successful in finding his “harmonious” relationship, or that he was not happy after all. If there would be an OW, then it would have been different, and I’m pretty sure I would not want to hear about it.
Thank you for recognizing that I’m a different woman since I’ve been on this board. I know I am, just feel like I’m sliding back sometimes.
Mighty, this is absolutely despicable how your xh’s family treats you and your kids. They must be so ashamed of him. Nevertheless, they could have reached out to you. Your kids will be part for the family forever. Don’t they get it? I just can’t wait when the house of cards that your xh and ow built crumbles and crushes to the ground. I know it will.
Interesting part in all of this is that my GF (mutual friend) was hurt also when H tried to hook up with her cousin. She was hurt by her cousin’s actions too. But, I guess she forgave them, or forgot about it, or just pretending that it never happened. I don’t know.
I’ve been thinking about this friendship a lot recently. They are good friends to me. I don’t have too many friends like that. They would do a lot of things for me and I would also go extra mile to do things for them. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m going to take one day (one visit) at a time and see how I feel.
Bright, I know how you feel, but here is the thing.
It is OK for you to be upset by their choices, but it is their choice.
What happened with my xh is that most of our friends were so shocked by his behavior that they didn't want anything much to do with him, (he was a very very mean MLCer) but one couple in particular stayed close to him. I found it difficult but tried to 'adult' about it. Hmmmm
At the time of the divorce (which went on for 2 years!) I wrote to them and said I was very fond of them but I needed to put distance between my stbx and my old life They accepted that, but as time went on and my xh's behaviour got more and more erratic they have been making real overtures to me!
I guess what I am saying is - it is OK to be upset, but we can't control what our friends want to do.
We can decide whether or not we want them in our life or not (we aren't asking them to choose, it is more about what we want)
That MLC behaviour can finally alienate even the oldest friends!!
A lot of people have a 'these things happen' approach to life, and never want to look at what is actually going on. That is their choice.
Bright,
It's okay to be upset and/or angry, but like Bea said, it is their choice to be friends to your h. We can't control how others feel and what they do.
What I am going to suggest is that you not discuss as much of your business w/them. I still think that info is being carried back and forth by them to the two of you. Limit the discussions about your h when you are in contact w/them. Keep your conversations on your interests, hobbies, son and work.
They've been friends to both of you and I would hate for you to cut them out of your life if you still enjoy their company. Bea's posting is very much spot on.
BTW, congratulations on winning a laptop. Sounds like you had a busy Halloween. I hope you got some rest yesterday.
Bright,
As for friends choosing with whom to socialize, I am lucky I suppose that H has moved out of state. In many ways H taking a job close to OW makes things feel more hopeless but on this count I find life is much easier.
I can completely relate to H's family not reaching out to the children. Not a phone call in over 5 months just to see how they are doing. They have their cell numbers and could call them direct. I realize now that his family's level of detachment should have set off alarm bells years ago. I was naive.
I am choosing to respect their level of detachment at this point. It is not healthy for the kids to be dealing with family members who are not able to interact with them in a genuine, compassionate manner. I want my children to be able to feel empowered and I think part of that is being able to respect the boundary and let that relationship not be painted as a failure but rather a choice made by those adults. D's seem puzzled by it but they are glad not to feel obligated by it either. I feel conflicted as H's parents are getting older but this may sound trite "you reap what you sow" --- Honestly, I am not angry just believe that consequences occur and acceptance is far better right now.
I know you must be tired Bright but you have inspired me. Your perservance in the face of incredible odds is pretty spectacular. If you need to adjust things then have confidence in all you've accomplished and know that you have the right stuff to move towards the future full of great possibilities.
Bea, Job, Gwen, thanks for your posts. I actually feel that I don’t want discuss H with my friends any more. I will see if this a real feeling this weekend. I’m going to the vacation home, probably for last time this year. I feel sad. But at the same time I think that staying away from there and from my friends will help me to detach even more.
Bea, I agree, it will ultimately be me who will decide whether I will continue this friendship or not.
Job, the laptop was a pleasant surprise. I didn’t expect to win again this time.
Gwen, my H is also working in another state. And I do feel lucky too, that I don’t have to worry about bumping into him at a store or learn about him hanging out with people I know. I pretty much claimed all the friends and accountancies here. I actually became closer with some of them.
So, more GAL coming… Today I was invited to join a group of people at work who gather once a month for a happy hour on a back patio after work. I'm on the invite list. Yay me!
Go to the happy hour and let your hair down. It's time to develop new friendships that are your friends only.
Hello BF, I am new to the forum. Have been reading your threads and I can symphatize SO much with you... 25 years married last june, but separated since Dec 2012, he asked for divorce Jan this year; I was devastated. We owned a business together and have been out of work since we separated; working from home and "hiding away" on special dates visiting a friend outside the country or visiting my daughter who lives abroad. Date for signing in front of the judge is next December 15th... I get sad sometimes, very sad wishing he could change his mind, but says he has thought about it and is better for him and for "us". We also had a vacation home to which we used to go every weekend, I put a lot of effort on it but was so misserable going there, differently from you when I had people coming with me I went to the bathroom and cried a lot... so finally decided to take my things out and have not been there since Jan/Feb. He is keeping the house in the D settlement.
I have been applying for jobs, at least have sent 40 CV but no answer at all. Maybe the answer is I have to continue with my business, but is at home and that depresses me... I want to be around people and change my activities.
I am loosing hope as the date approaches, it is little more than a month. Have read the Divorce Busting book but besides being kind (when I have not exploded while discovering he has been visiting pro....tes during at least the first year of separation).
He has been kind with money, each time less, already got an alimony settlement which would allow me to live tight, fair enough I think. Worked shoulder to shoulder for 15 years and before for 8 years in other companies, but have no title. Going back to school in January, but in the meantime I am still having my moments of tough sadness.
Went through a depression, which I think I am getting out little by little cause was medicated but have cut the dosis to 1/4 slowly and of course it is letting me feel now the reality.
Wish there was hope for after divorce, but a change in him would be needed (alcohol, ego, MLC I think)... so wish I could live my life without depending on this hope
Thanks Job and BB14.
BB, sorry you find yourself on this board. I will read your story when I have time. Working in the office with people around definitely helps me now. It was a disaster right after the BD. I was just not myself. I know what it’s like to be out of work when you cannot rely on anybody except yourself. Keep applying though, something will come around for you. And don’t lose the hope. The signing D papers could mean nothing. Look at me. My H hasn’t filed for D, but it’s been 2 ½ years since BD and there is no change in his decision to not be M to me. It could go either way. There is hope after D.
Update. I went to the vacation home. There was a festival in town, so there were so many people I knew. My friends were a bit stressed over what I expressed about our friendship, but they assured me that they love me and value me and want to remain friends. They confirmed that H is coming for Thanksgiving week and weekend. They said that I could come too, to which I replied that I would not feel comfortable, plus I don’t want H to get an impression that I’m trying to mend things (like he did at that time when I decided to come for the weekend while he was there.) Don’t know if I said the wrong thing though.
When I arrived over there I learnt that my mutual friend’s Mom was very sick and he needed to travel to another country to see her. Today I’ve learnt that she passed away. I think she was in her late 80th or something, so it was kind of expected. Nevertheless, my male friend was devastated in anticipation. Could he enter into MLC now? I doubt it, but who knows.
I met H’s friend over there, who lost his wife to cancer about 2 years ago. He is from Canada and stays at the vacation home place only during the winter time. I thing he was a bit surprised to see that I’m very put together, good looking woman. I feel he expected a nasty, wining b!tch, LOL.
Today at work I was reminded that it is a Veteran’s day. H is a veteran. So, my first thought was to text him wishing him happy Veteran’s day. I kind of hesitated for a while, thinking whether I should do it or not. Then I decided that this was my genuine and authentic desire to send him a message on this day. So I did. He replied with “Thank you. How was the vacation home”. Interesting, he used my text message to ask me a question he would not ask otherwise. I replied that it was wonderful, and attached a smiley face. No reply after that. I guess he doesn’t know how to respond to happy me
.
Don’t know if I said the wrong thing though.
Hey Bright! I think you are authentic, and that there is nothing wrong with that.
It was nice of you to text h and acknowledge Veteran's Day. My xh is also a vet. I thought of him today, but didn't send a text. We were in it *together* as he would say. We lived on the military base together, so I lived the military life too. D13 was born in a military hospital. Shout-out to the vets!
You sound good, Bright. I am so glad to hear. I am glad things are going well at work. I was so lost at work last year. I couldn't think straight. Now, work is an amazing place to be. I find I am often at my best when I am there.
Nothing better than the "happy" you! Keep smiling and find no reason for you to feel bad for being happy. Enjoy it!
Bright,
You sound much better after your time away. I'm sorry about your friend's mother and I'm sure he's having a rough time of it right now.
As for texting your h about Veteran's Day, you did what you felt was right and I'm glad he responded. As for him responding back to you after you said things were wonderful at the vacation home, well, he may have thought there was no need for an additional response. Your h reminds me of my xh when it comes to texting or w/any type of communication. You may reach out and then he asks questions and then drops off the face of the earth after I have responded to him w/the answers. Reminds me of teenagers who only want to know something and then they go off on their merry way.
Sometimes you have to open up a wee bit if you want them to continue to come out of their shells. They tend to lose that chip that keeps the conversations going. I have found that if you drop a few crumbs along the way, they will open up and chat a bit more.
Keep your expectations at zero or on the low side. He's still into himself right now and he's got a ways to go.
Mighty, I wonder what happened with “we are in it together”. On the top of everything you were also a military wife. Wow. You’ve through a lot. My H served for only 10 years, and it was before I met him. Thanks for the support, as always.
Job, thanks for checking on me. I didn’t really expect any reply from H to my last message. This was exactly what happened, me dropping the crumbs and him using an opportunity to ask a question. And then… shutting down… Going back into his hole…
I will have another opportunity to send an e-mail or text this weekend. The company that I used to work for as a consultant wants to me to do some work for them. It will be during off hours time of my regular work, but I’m going to make the consulting rate, yay! I will need to contact H to get the most recent company file, so I could set up the billing. Will see if there are more questions from him…
Bright,
You seem to be doing extremely well! I'm so happy for you. Also glad you made decisions based on what YOU want, knowing you're coming from a core way of DBing. I think it's important to be who you are, even if that means for a short time, you go off the DB bandwagon temporarily. You have to basics, and the tools. Now you seem to have the intuition to read your own sitch.
Good for you, Bright!
Thanks, Shining. I think I’m getting to the point that I don’t give a sh!t anymore what H thinks, or what I say. I just say what I feel. My mutual friends still disappoint me with their decision to accommodate H and invite him to their family. Whatever…
I’m making more friends. Today, I was at the meet up/get together even at work. There is a group of people who meet once in a while on the back patio at work to have some wine and snacks. I was invited into the group as a person who can have fun and easy going. They like me! Now I have a few more people who want to go with me to the vacation home place. This is just so ironic, LOL. H cannot get anybody to visit with him over there, and I keep taking people over there with me, haha. I’m thinking that H should just find another place to be and leave this spot for me and my friends to visit.
Bright,
I'm glad to see that you are making more friends and they want to go w/you to the vacation home. The more you open up, the more people will see the wonderful person that you are.
As for your friends being friends w/your h, you can't control what they do. At least they are remaining mutual and being friendly w/both of you. It's normal to "expect" people to take sides when it comes to a situation like you are going through, but unless you or your h do something to hurt their feelings, they will remain mutual and both you and your h can enjoy the time you spend w/them. I would hate to see you opt not to be friends w/them because of this. They've been there for you and continue to be there for you, you just have to be careful what you tell them just in case they tend to talk about you and your life.
Who knows, once you begin taking your new friends to the vacation home, your old friends may opt to step away and leave you alone. Time will tell on how they react to all of the new people in your life.
Keep up the good work. Sounds like you are detaching more and more each week.
Hi Bright, thanks for your words. I have been doing my personal business for 2 weeks now, feeling and dreaming a little more about it each couple of days. I am dreaming about working hard to end up moving the business away from home; I can still socialize with friends and business so may give it a chance... in fact I am leaning to it. Will give me time freedom which I love too to do what I like (talks, hobbies, travel). My fear is to do it alone, goes together with the loneliness feeling; but guess I have to confront that.
I am loosing hope since on my side I feel I am detaching little by little. He was a man that when we were returning home from a place at night won't follow me; he drives faster and would go first and let me go after him... don't think that is a nice thing to do coming from a husband and talks about him and his feelings towards me...
May end up working on building my company. My daughter may end up living in the weekend home, it makes a lot of sense to think about it that then I did all the work there for someone I REALLY love and care. I have lost so many little feelings for stbxh that I am starting to believe his "image" is just a "company" relief.
Have a great weekend!
I can’t believe this is this time of month again. H texted today “Hi, I transferred $xxxx to your account”. I guess he forgot my name again. Oh well…
I met up with two people from work (male and female) tonight for the drinks and music. They are both from the same meet up group I was invited to join.
Making some good friends...
Bright is raisin' the roof!
So glad to hear, Bright. I think we are taking similar steps. I went to happy hour yesterday, and I was thinking of you! Funny thing is, I am 37 years old, and this year is the first year I've ever gone to happy hour.
Xh did like that idea of me going... so I didn't rock the boat. It wasn't that important to me. He, on the other hand, went many a time... I recall several specific examples of him going to celebrate some girl getting a new job, different "birthday" celebrations with people from work, including celebrating other women's birthday... but my birthday was "just another day." Whoa.... I'm going backwards here.... PULL THE REINS!!!! Yuck- full stem ahead in not only a hijack.... but and unnecessary one going to a place that is in the past.... and OVER!
ANYWAY- I am happy you have been going out and having fun. I am happy you are meeting new people. I have been doing the same. It feels good, right?
Can't wait to hear more about some of you *happenings*!
As for h... don't be afraid of being you. You have been through a lot. You don't owe him anything. You are a good person. He knows this. He just doesn't even know what he is doing. Just keep moving along finding your way and you happiness!
I’m making more friends. Today, I was at the meet up/get together even at work. There is a group of people who meet once in a while on the back patio at work to have some wine and snacks. I was invited into the group as a person who can have fun and easy going. They like me!
Of COURSE they like you!!!!! Looked in your mirror lately??
How awesome is that, all these new people adding to your life!!
I need lessons from ya, Bright! You're getting out there and doing so much. You're inspiring me!!! Thank you!
And the not giving a sh!t what h thinks anymore....I still cycle in and out of that....
Keep going, Bright. You got this
Thanks everyone.
Mighty, my H is very social too. He goes to all events he can, if he likes them. He went to celebrate other women’s b-days too. At least he didn’t prevent me from doing the same, actually encouraged. Which upset me, because I thought that we were supposed to do things together as a couple. I do realize now that I had a codependency issue. But H also had too much of independent behavior issue.
Shining, do you really think I can give you lessons, LOL? Busy social life is not a natural thing for me. I literally force myself sometimes. Which is what I did with the coworkers. I had to drive for 30 min to get where they wanted to meet. Let me say one thing though, I feel pretty comfortable in most environments. It didn’t used to be like that. I was a very shy girl when I was little. I’ve gradually building my confidence and my social skills for my entire life. Actually H helped me a lot in this by just taking me places and doing what he was always doing, like meeting new people and starting the conversations with strangers. I believe that he was also doing it to overcome his insecurities.
Anyway, the same friends from work invited me for a happy hour again today and also to go to some bar with life band tomorrow. I declined this time. I had very hectic week at work and I’m exhausted. I’m actually working from home today.
I also have some ongoing discussion with my GF (from the vacation home). There are some hard feelings expressed. I will get to this later.
Just want to give a quick update. I received an e-mail from H with a whole paragraph. He addressed my by name this time. Then he tells me that he paid himself this month and is sending me an updated company file. He says “Hopefully you have time to do the payroll taxes.” And then another “hopefully” statement, saying that he hopes to pay him one more time this year, and then this: “but not sure how much more I will be able to make the rest of this shitty business year I am having. Brutal!” He also says that I probably heard that from our mutual friends that he is coming down for Thanksgiving week, and that he thinks that our male mutual friend will be staying with me this Sunday (he will be coming back from his Mom’s funeral). Then he tells me that he can pick up his mail on Monday if I have it collected for him.
He ends with “Hope all is well with you. Take care” and signs his name.
So, I read this e-mail and immediately fell into a sympathetic mood. I wanted to reply right away with the words of support and comfort. What is wrong with me? I will still reply politely and say that I’m sorry he is having a bad year.
For some weird reason I cannot come up with a reasonable response to H. I feel like it is too much work, I just want to ignore his e-mail.
For some weird reason I cannot come up with a reasonable response to H. I feel like it is too much work, I just want to ignore his e-mail.
It's a thought!
Why don't you just sit on the email for the weekend and when you feel like it next week, you can respond (that is, if you feel like it)? Nothing says you need to respond right away. After all, you are living your own life and have been busy at work and you do need some time to decompress.
Bea, I chucked over your response.
I know what you mean about responding to emails and texts. I hate how we have to think about everything we say, make sure it isn't too judgmental, too needy, won't be taken as "pursuit"....it is such a pain at times!
Love how you are GALing! You go girl!
Well, I cannot sit on it for the weekend. He arrives on Monday and wants to pick up his mail. Now, that our mutual friend is not staying with me, I don’t how H is planning to come over for the mail. I need to have clear plan. I don’t want him in the house without me, but I also don’t want to be the one to make the arrangement with his brother to pick the mail if he meets him or whatever…
Bright,
Put the mail in a small box or trash bag and sit it on your front porch or somewhere outside where he can get it very easily. There is no reason for him to come in the house at this point in time. Once you decide where you are going to place the mail on Monday morning, notify him and tell him where to look for it.
Job, I haven’t even thought about this. Thanks. This actually revealed that my mind is still not where it is supposed to be. My thinking is still directed to accommodate H and make it easier for him, sigh…
It's time to think about what is best for Bright. Accommodating your h in some things is okay, but if you don't want him in the house, the best thing to do is leave the mail in a place outside where he can pick it up.
Yes, I don’t want him wondering around the house without me in there. But, I think I would like to see him. Do I? I have to go to work on Monday. Do I ask to work from home on that day? All these questions are popping into my mind like crazy. I am still having a hard time deciding what I want to do when it comes the time when H is passing by from/to the vacation home. I think I’m doing well when he is away and not bothering me. Then I slide back…
I think he is trying to avoid seeing me. This is why he booked his ticket to arrive on Monday and also made the arrangements to leave for the vacation home on Monday as well. He knows that I work during the day. If he would want to see me, he would pick a different schedule. Do I just go along with that and not force the situation?
I’m going to think a little more about what I want to do on Monday.
You could always remind him that you are working on Monday and give him two choices: 1) schedule a time to pick up his mail when you are home; or 2) you can leave the mail in a specified place outside. Don't spend a lot of time over thinking this one. Give him the choices and see what he opts to do.
Thanks, job. I sent him an e-mail with the updated file (I paid the taxes, so nice of me ) and validated the fact that he is having a bad year. I asked him what time he thinks of picking up the mail, so I could make the arrangement. Will see what he says. Last May he came to pick up his mail and some other stuff, I was in the house getting ready to leave for work (I just started my new job back then.) I thought that he would come over, pick the stuff and leave. Instead he asked if he could stay longer, because he wanted to use some tools in the garage to make some repairs to his camper. I was caught off guard, so I said “yes” (being the nice me as ever…) and left for work. He still has the key to the house. He actually asked me last time if I changed the locks, and I said no. I trust him to not take stuff without my knowledge. He would ask if he would want something. I think…
I had my tile and grout cleaned this morning. I found the cheapest price in the mailer coupons. Lessons leant… The guy was kind of strange. He kept talking to me all the time. His helper was a young boy and kind of dumb. He asked weird questions. I noticed that the two little tile steps were not cleaned, so I asked the guy why. He said that he personally cleaned them, but they have to dry to see the result. I had to let the sealant dry for about an hour, and then I looked at the steps and they were not cleaned. He sealed them though. So, I had to clean the steps myself. They also missed some spots here and there. I was upset at first, but then I looked at it and it still looks a lot better than it was. I can live with it, for a third of the price. Next time I will be smarter in selecting the service.
Hi BF,
Just a warning and I'm not saying this is the case with your H, but my W felt she had a "right" to take the things she felt were "hers" (as well as things that she KNEW she had no right to) and did so when she came to the house when I wasn't there. You may think he won't but don't be so sure. They really can't think of anything but themselves at this time and think nothing of how you may feel about it. Just be careful. I had to get my lawyer to file an order to stop my W and even then she just didn't see why she didn't have a "right" to just take what SHE saw as hers. Just be careful.
Matt, thank you for the concern. It is too bad that your wife would snick into the house to take stuff. I’m pretty sure that H would not do it though.
Update. H replied to my e-mail yesterday telling me that he would be at the house around 10 am. There was no other questions, like if I would be home, or if I would leave his mail in a designated place. I thought that he was just going to come in the house, since he has a key.
And I was right. I stayed home this morning, working remotely. I also had to make a phone call and discuss my other work that I picked up on the side. So, it was perfect timing. I was on the phone when I heard the knock on the door and almost immediately the key inserted into the lock. Then I’ve heard H saying “hello, is anybody home”, while walking in the door. He saw I was on the phone and went directly into the kitchen where I had his mail ready on the table.
I cannot believe this guy. Does he still think that he can just walk in the house at any time, using his key? I didn’t tell him he could not, but he didn’t ask. He just assumed that he can do it and I would not mind. It just leads to some analysis here. He is still under impression that everything is the way he left it. I would not be surprised if he drives his car back in a week and asks me if he can park it in my driveway.
When I got off the phone, he was ready to leave. I gave him his shoes that I found in the closet. Then he asked me if I wanted to come out and say hi to our mutual friend (who arrived back from his country) and another guy from the vacation home who was driving (he came to the city for the football game and was leaving today, so it worked out perfectly for H and our friend to get a ride back to the vacation home.) So, I came out for a min. I asked my friend if he received the flowers I sent for his Mom’s wake, and he told me that they were beautiful. H looked at us and said “I pitched in” and we all laughed. I thought it was a weird comment.
So, H looked the same, not better, not worse. I was in my office clothes, looking cute. I didn’t notice if H was looking me over. I think he didn’t. It seems like he wanted to get out of here. Well, people were waiting for him, but still… I wonder if he set this up in this way, so he would not have to stay longer or have a conversation. I have a feeling that he is afraid of any conversation with me at this time and trying to avoid me. Maybe he is afraid that I would bring a D subject, LOL. I think that he feels uncomfortable around me, which is strange, because after all this time he should not care, right.
I felt fine though. Pretty relaxed. Seeing him didn’t bother me as much this time. I’m going as usual with my day.
Oh, yeah, forgot to mention, H did say “thank you for collecting the mail for me”. And he looked happy. I guess it feels good to be in worm place after freezing his a$$ of in the state he works at.
Bright,
I'm not surprised that he knocked and used his key. Why wouldn't he? He still feels like it's still his home even if he's not there. I find it interesting that he would ask if anyone was home, considering you are working. Was he able to see your car in the driveway? I don't think he even thought that you would be home today. I think he had his friends along just to keep him company.
Both of you are uncomfortable around each other because of the way things have been. He's almost a stranger to you because he's been gone a while and acting a bit differently. It's normal.
I'm glad this trip is behind you and you can look forward to the upcoming holiday. Do you have any special plans?
Then I’ve heard H saying “hello, is anybody home”,
The fact that he said this shows he
doesn't feel he can just walk in, IMO. If you are still uncomfortable with this then ask for his key, or change the locks. If you still hope to reconcile (and don't fear he'll stab you or steal all your stuff) then let it roll as is.
Job, my car was in the garage, so he could not see if I was home. I think when he opened the door he heard me on the phone, and this is when he asked if anybody was home. And the friends were his ride from the airport, he could not have come by any other means, except taxi, and that would be expensive.
This is interesting observation that he still thinks that it is his home, even though he calls it "your house", meaning it is my house. Last time he was coming to the house, he called me ahead of time. This time he didn't, and this is kind of strange.
FY, he should not feel like he just can walk in. Something was different this time, for sure. I like your advice. I will just let it roll for now.
I also have absolutely no feelings about this morning. I mean it was just like one of the regular things. I guess I reflect on it later.
Job, thanks for asking me about my holiday plans. Actually we are going to H's brother for TG dinner. Just without H, haha.
The Thanksgiving dinner at my BIL was OK. It didn’t go the way I expected though. It was a bit strange. We all were there, my son with GF, my sister’s family. This BIL is H’s brother, and he’s been trying to keep the connection with my family. The only different part in all of this was that he has a GF now, who’s been living with him and they’ve been together for over a year. This is something new for my BIL. He used to date a lot, but always broke it up when his dates were starting to get serious about the R.
Over the years we were used to this dynamic. His house was always his house where nobody could make the rules. This time I could tell that his GF has been making the rules. I also got a feeling that sometimes he doesn’t like what she is doing (some comments from him), but tolerates it. This is just too funny. I think after he broke his knee cup last year, he realized that he is no longer that young independent stud. He needs a companion in his life. So, he tolerates this woman and lets her dictate some of the things. I could tell that deep down he is still resisting all this. Oh well, not my problem. It is just ironic that this is happening at the same time when H thinks (actually said this 2 years ago) that his brother was the only one doing the right thing with his life (like not being married and just dating.)
So, this year H didn’t even text anybody in my family wishing a happy Thanksgiving. I didn’t get a text either. Plus, I learnt that he has a second phone now. I had no idea and I don’t think any of my family members, including my son, were told about it either. Two phones… while he’s been complaining about not making much money and trying to downsize in every aspect of his life. This is just so weird. I cannot wrap my head around it.
Does he want to completely sever any contact with me and my family? Hence no Thanksgiving texts like he did for the last two years. I have a suspicion he met somebody. And now is trying to pretend that he is “free” man and his M is long over and there is no contact with his xw. Except I’m not exactly x yet, not on paper. Well, is doesn’t matter to him, but it might matter to a new GF. I just can’t wait when she finds out where his Playboys come from and that there is still lots of my stuff and clothes at the vacation home. Oh year, and the mail, LOL.
But why a second phone? Maybe he is trying to see if he likes the service from that other company and then will switch the number. Or, he will cancel his old number and have the new one. Who knows…
The possibility of him having met someone is actually taking some tall on me right now. I thought I was prepared for this, but apparently I’m not. It made me sad. I also feel that I will be starting another phase of grief with this. Why does it have to be so different for me? I am 2 and ½ years into this. I should be way over it. I admit that the feelings are not near as intense as they were after the BD. But still… I thought that I was lucky that there was no OW in my sitch. But now I will have to go through what everybody else already went through, sigh…
Bright,
You are assuming that he's met someone and is getting serious about them. He may not be doing that at all.
Many of them don't acknowledge their family and friends when a holiday rolls around. I think your h is a very slow MLCer and he's just hit the spot where they don't have much contact. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.
Two phones....well...he could have a personal phone for his use and a second phone for business personnel to contact him. Or, as you said, he could be considering terminating the old phone and trying out a new phone to see how it works for him. He certainly wouldn't need a second phone to keep things private from family and friends, as he really doesn't stay in touch w/them and he's not around them all that much.
So, I don't think there's some secret intention behind them.
You are trying to see into the crystal ball and it's not ready to reveal things to you. Your analyzing and mind reading of the holiday will drive you nuts if you allow it. Remember....uRworthy and others have pointed out how nutty they get around the holidays...so this is an "oh well, his loss moment from Thanksgiving".
Continue to move forward. Life is far too short to try to analyze his every move because assumptions sometimes aren't on the target and look at how much time you would have spent on assuming something and it didn't really happen. Enjoy your life and if he should wake up, he's going to ashamed and sorry for the way that he's treated you and others.
Enjoy your weekend.
Sorry, I gotta disagree with Job here.... two phones almost always means one is to keep phone call records with the OW off the joint account. Sorry
kml, thanks for stopping by. We don't have a joint account with H. He switched to a completely different company last year.
It might be the other way around here, he wants to keep her away from me, LOL. Even though I haven't called him in like two years, unless he asks me to. We exchange the texts once in a rare while these days.
Bright,
It's possible that you may be correct that he has a "friend" and he doesn't want her to know about you and have access to your data in his "personal" phone. Time may tell what the second phone is all about.
Two phones....My XW also had two phones. One for everyday use and one for OM. OM was actually paying for the second one.
Tad
Bright, stop shoulding yourself. I've noticed you do this alot. You beat yourself up for being where you are. Whatever you are feeling is OK!
It's not the worst thing in the world that you still have feelings for the man you married. And, an affair is never a pleasant revelation, no matter when it comes around.
IF he is having an affair, you will handle it...just like you've handled everything else. You are every bit as strong as all the rest of us on here and you will get through it.
He has been on the hunt for an OW for quite some time. You know this. In some ways, he's really pathetic in all his searching. IF he actually found someone, I'm sure she's no catch. And, as we all know, she is irrelevant. He is the problem, no matter how hard he tries to buffer it with distractions. Until he sees himself at the center of the storm, he's not much use to you anyway.
Much Love,
Heather
Job, Tad, Heather, thanks for stopping by.
Job, well put, a “friend”, haha. Even though I came up with that scenario, I still have a hard time to see H being sneaky like that when in his mind our M is over and he is a free man. But, it might be wrong and he is actually hitting a new low for him. Maybe he discovered that telling the truth about his situation up front doesn’t get him anywhere with more or less decent women.
Or, maybe the fact that he didn’t inform me about new phone number means that I’m just not that important. Well, so is my son and my sister and family…
Heather, thanks so much for such a thoughtful and encouraging post. Yes, he is pathetic in his search for the “harmonious” relationship and perfect OW. Even our mutual friends keep telling me this.
And this brings me back to Job’s post:
Many of them don't acknowledge their family and friends when a holiday rolls around. I think your h is a very slow MLCer and he's just hit the spot where they don't have much contact. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.
Job, you confirmed what I was thinking too. I know that you are very rarely wrong. I trust your experience and knowledge. I have an intuition and history with H. I think you are right about this, so is my intuition. I think he is cycling more right know. With his job situation which forces him to stay put in the state where it is snowing and freezing right now… He hates cold weather. But he cannot leave and stay at the vacation home because he didn’t make enough money this year. He is a slow MLCer because he is extremely stubborn.
At the same time I’m doing great with my job and now with the side gig that will make me some money. And I travel to the vacation home more often and bring all kinds people with me (his dream.) So, I can see how I would be the enemy right now. Even though he would never admit it openly, but deep down I think it bothers him.
I’m also pretty sure he heard some opinions about me from the people at the vacation home, how wonderful I’m. I’ve actually heard that his new friend from last year, who I just met for the first time last weekend when I was there, told someone that I was beautiful. I’m sure he heard from our mutual friend’s how much I’ve changed and how I became even better person. I make sure that I tell my mutual friends about all my new friends from work and all the activities I’ve been doing. I know that a lot of this info gets relayed to H.
I’m sure this is not what he wants to hear at this time. He is probably trying even harder to distance himself from me and convince himself that he did the right thing. I know that any potential OW is not going to be even close match to me. Plus, when H gets a new friend or a “friend”, he can be in communication with the person 24x7, full of excitement and hope. Then the person says or does something that H doesn’t like and which he didn’t expect from that person, and it all can end very quickly.
Anyway, I have another potential encounter coming. I think H will be flying back to “cold” state from my city on Monday. Will see what happens. He could take a bus and to go strait to the airport. Or, he could drive his car (that was sitting at the vacation home with the dead battery, because nobody drove it), park it at his brother’s house, or he could ask me to park it on my driveway. It still bugs me that he would not try to see my son when he is passing through the city.
Oh, forgot to mention. When I gave H his mail on Monday, there was an envelope with the new road side assistance card. We still have a joint account, I paid the whole bill and didn’t ask him to contribute. I haven’t heard a “thank you” yet. Maybe it just rubbed him in the wrong way and he is mad at me for that, LOL.
Bright,
I don't think he is bothered about the fact that you paid the roadside assistance renewal. He most likely hasn't given it much thought at all.
It'll be interesting to see what he does about his transportation on Monday.
Bright, Heather is right about one thing...feel your pain and then let it go. Don't judge the amount of time it takes you to complete your journey against others who post. Each person will make the journey at a pace that is comfortable for them. Please stop beating yourself up and thinking you should be over it by now....this is not something you can wave the magic wand and it be over....it takes time.
Don't judge the amount of time it takes you to complete your journey against others who post. Each person will make the journey at a pace that is comfortable for them. Please stop beating yourself up and thinking you should be over it by now....this is not something you can wave the magic wand and it be over....it takes time.
Amen. Listen to Job. My sitch started in 2010 and I thought I was slow too. Many on this board have come and gone and many on this board will tell you that yes, I was slow, but that doesn't make it wrong. I'm still not done. Getting there? Yes, but not quite done. Handle this on your time. There is no set time. You'll get there when you get there.
Take care.
Tad
Don't judge the amount of time it takes you to complete your journey against others who post. Each person will make the journey at a pace that is comfortable for them. Please stop beating yourself up and thinking you should be over it by now....this is not something you can wave the magic wand and it be over....it takes time.
Right. And who's to say when our journey is complete anyway? When we Reconcile? When we Move On? Hardly.
Our journey only ends when we are dead!
I like to aim to be content with who I am and where I'm at, every day. No one else has a say in this, it's up to each one of us.
You're doing great Bright. Everything you need really is within you. Bust On!
Thanks everyone. I don’t think I’m beating myself up for not being over the sitch yet. I’m just tired and want to move on with my life without feeling sad or bitter (sometimes). I guess I do need more time and thanks for supporting me in this.
FY, I am a bit worried that my journey will last until I am dead, LOL. I don’t want to be sad until then. I hope one day it all goes away and I can live my life without this constant feeling in my stomach and my heart.
I’m trying… I might be making some progress actually. I think I do have more evidence of H’s having met someone. And it doesn’t bother me as much. As long as she is not anywhere close to where I am. I might have a problem if he brings her over to the vacation home. But, other than that, I feel kind of numb and indifferent.
I checked my notes and H is going back on Tuesday, not Monday. And then another options for him would be to get a ride with our other friends who I’ve heard would be returning from their vacation home tomorrow or on Tuesday. I’m pretty sure now this is what he is going to do. Hopefully, he will go directly to the airport and I will not have to worry about seeing him or making any arrangements. At the same time, I kind of don’t give a sh!t.
Well, apparently H is taking a bus tomorrow. It is sort of a relief, because it means he will be going directly to the airport. But why do I feel very sad again? I think I’m feeling that this might be the last pull away from me on H's part, and this time I have to accept that he is gone forever. He is clearly avoiding me this time.
Hi, Bright.
It is very sad, watching them leave. I totally get that.
It's sad because we always have hope. Not expectations, necessarily.....hope. And we loved deeply.
Whether he is or isn't avoiding you? Naaawwww, Bright.... You know there's no way to know for sure. Maybe it made the most sense at the time he planned. Best not to assume.
"Last pull away" and "gone forever"..... Those are some pretty final-sounding words!!
I've learned one thing for sure in the past year....
Never say never. Anything can, will, and often does happen.
No one can take away your memories, your love, or your hope.
Hugs to you, Bright. You're doing amazing.
Bright,
Your h may have opted for the bus as transportation because everyone is either working or busy and it may have proven to be more convenient for him at that time. As for this being the last time he pulls away, I don't see that at all. If he were actually going to leave permanently and never return, there would have been papers filed by now. You are "assuming" again and that stinking thinking makes you sad and brings you down. Try to look at it another way...he's still alive and apparently is doing well. You've not had to deal w/much of his MLC madness and yes, no papers for a divorce as of yet. You are still on civil terms w/him and he does send you a post card from Mars every now and then.
Bring out your happy memories when you are feeling down and sad. Your love is still very evident and there is always a chance he may return at some point. He's still working on finding himself and you need to dig deeper for patience and live your life for you right now.
Don't let your h's decision to take a bus ruin your day. It's just transportation to the airport...nothing more.
Hang in there.
Shining, normally I have the same kind of attitude – never say never. I’m just discouraged, that’s all. This is my 3-rd holiday season after BD. I just cannot believe it that I’m still hoping for something.
Job, this is true, I didn’t have to deal with much MLC, even though he is mild MLCer. The reason I’m so discouraged is that H never took buses anywhere. This is new. This is like getting to a new low for H. And it makes me think that for him taking a bus is better than doing anything else that might involve me. I’m sure I’m not expressing it the way I would like it. I just cannot think clearly these days. Everything is like in the fog. Good thing I still can function at work.
Well, H sent me a text today thanking me for wishing him a happy Thanksgiving. He said that he just crossed the border and got the text. He also said “Hope you had fun” (meaning Thanksgiving.) I want to believe him that he indeed didn’t get my text until today. I replied that I had a good time and hope that he had a great time too, inserted a smiley face and thanked him for his text. I figured that if I reply in a friendly way, he might engage in some conversation. He didn’t. Oh well, it was just an experiment… Trying to find what works, right…
I’m pretty sure H has met somebody. So, the D papers might not be too far away. I think the only thing that keeps him from filing is that he thinks he will not be able to afford and keep the vacation home.
Job, your words are encouraging. I’m still hanging in there, but bracing myself for not so pleasant outcomes. I cannot even think what I’m going to do if H brings this new “friend” to the vacation home, which I’m sure he is dying to do.
And you are right, my love is still there, but for the “old” H. I keep telling myself that the potential ow can have him the way he is now. I’m not interested.
Bright,
Even though the bus event was different for your h, he may not have given any thought about it. You are working and so are his other friends, thus the bus. It's just another blip on the radar screen for him, something new for him to try. He may very well be trying different things to see what works for him and if that's the case, well, you just might see a lot of different things going on, but it's not a sign that it's over and done w/yet. It's not over until the fat lady sings and from where I'm sitting, I don't think he's going to do much of anything because he's very content w/the way things are working for him. As for how you feel about them, he's not on the same playing field w/you right now. He's assuming that you are okay w/everything and unless you say something differently, he'll not give it a second thought.
As for D papers, unless you file them, I don't get a sense of him doing that from your postings. You are still searching for signs of him waking up. As I pointed out earlier, he may very well be a turtle in this race and it could take him some time to get to the other side. Don't get discouraged, look at this situation a different way, it's given you an opportunity to try new things, make new friends and you've gotten a job that you like. It's given you an opportunity to find yourself too. If your h sat down and spoke w/you today, he would see a different Bright, a more independent and stronger Bright. You would be a stranger to him, just as he is to you right now. So, for now, let him go. Allow the man upstairs to have him for a while. Your focus has to be on number one...YOU!
When the time is right, all will be revealed to you.