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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488431&page=1Let's hope 9 will be just fine. Mighty, thanks for your kind words. Never apologize for a hijack. I welcome them! I'm really boring by nature:) There are many people who think I'm very nice (maybe too nice) and it's funny because I don't see myself that way at all. I do live my life with the belief of karma,although I fully understand that bad stuff happens to everyone. That's just life. I've never been called a doormat, however, I think people don't understand why I don't "call xh out." Why? It would be more productive calling out a tree for the leaves falling.
You know I love a lively discussion. I have a question for the DB world. I'm curious. Did anyone really question the severity of the sitch at BD? Anyone not realize the magnitude of the conversation at such a seemingly innocuous time? I read some BDs that seem so "Huh? What are they saying?" and others are much more dramatic.
Please know that I am not making light of anyone's sitch. They are all painful although I find the BD differences interesting. Not sure if it says much about the WAS/MLCer or not.
GB!! If you think you're boring, I'd love to see your surroundings
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Ok, so....my BD.... I didn't get the official ILYBINILWY. I got several emails over 2 years. I went back a while ago, and found this from H back in October of 2012:
"I do love you. I will always love you. I would love to work this out. I just do not see a fix. I feel like the biggest failer because I had everyting i always wanted but then even after by best effert everyting fell apart".
I got this every 2-4 weeks since then. "I just do not see a fix" being the most repeated phrase I heard. The pattern would then be me begging, apologizing, coming up with new systems in place, reading every self help book I could, I started counseling myself...you name it, I tried it.
I was always confused. I never saw the severity of the sitch, because the problems were, IMO, all solvable and normal for blended families. Also, since the kids would be grown and out of the house within a few years, I thought it will only improve the situation....yeah. I had no idea what was going on in his mind. Just the constant blaming, projection, and focusing on weird things that weren't real problems.... That was not who he was before around April of 2012.
So, idk if this is even a bomb drop, but since I didn't have the speech, I looked back at the times he mentioned separating.
GB -- to answer your question -- I totally did not realize the severity of the situation at BD
. I had no idea what he was talking about! He phrased it as "he needs help" and "there has to be a special place in he!! for someone who destroys a perfectly good marriage." (He wrote this to me, along with his request for "space" in an email -- classy.) It didn't become obvious that this was a major issue until he made plans to move out and tell our daughter within two weeks of BD. At that point, I really just gave up and gave over to DB methods, which came naturally. What can we do? Sorry for hijack, but I wanted to answer the question!
My BD was a real shocker. We had and up and down marriage all along. We had been to counseling for a few months after we both carried on EA at the exact same time. We slid into the old ruts and climbed back out twice. This spring things seemed to level off. She even started going out of her way to spend extra time with me. I thought we had finally matured as a couple and were headed down the right road. Then one evening the boys and I were out working in the barn. We came in late, around 10. I cleaned up and we went to bed. Instead of climbing under the covers and turning the tv on she sat down on the bed and said we need to talk. In 3 minutes she went from ILYBIANILWY, to i married the wrong person, to we were never meant to be together, to I should have done this long ago, to I dont want to be intimate with you anymore, to the boys will be fine to how do I find a place to go. My world collapsed around me and the only words I could manage were " I know you dont want to be intimate much anymore, but I have learned to deal with that and I am ok with that" The next day I was a walking zombie. For 3 weeks I was wracked with tension, anxiety, fear, depression and anger.
Mine was a BD and it was a BIG one.
@Shining
"I do love you. I will always love you. I would love to work this out. I just do not see a fix. I feel like the biggest failer because I had everyting i always wanted but then even after by best effert everyting fell apart".
I got this every 2-4 weeks since then. "I just do not see a fix" being the most repeated phrase I heard. The pattern would then be me begging, apologizing, coming up with new systems in place, reading every self help book I could, I started counseling myself...you name it, I tried it.
Shining -
do you see now that this actually had nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him, and his inability to be happy and his tendency to cast blame outward instead of looking inward for his happiness?
Also, something in the way he phrased things makes me think - perhaps, unbeknownst to you, he was unfaithful or indulging in internet relationships way back then in 2012. He "had everything" but it was still falling apart - perhaps because he was returning to old ways? This is usually the kind of behavior we see in a guy who is having an affair and projecting reasons onto his spouse as to why it "just isn't working out". I may be wrong, but it's just setting off my spidey sense.
Thank you, kml, I never thought of the possibility of something indulgent that far back, at least I haven't thought of it that way before. It is strange, the wording....and I copied it directly from his email. I guess that is entirely possible. We were always together outside of work, and he almost never went anywhere without me.... Unless he did something when my kids and I went out of state for my Dad's funeral.
I'll sit on that thought....
I see his blaming, projecting, and inability to look inward. He's so convinced it's all my fault, and I bought into it.
Sorry, GB, HIGHJACK
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Hi Georgia!
For me BD was surreal. As anyone who knows anything about my sitch, W had been fighting depression/anxiety issues for years before B-day. A few months before this W and I had not been having ANY sex. It was like she just stopped wanting to be intimate at all. First she thought it was hormones and said as much. She planned on going to see Dr. about it. She did and then she said it was because she was so afraid of getting pregnant again (my SIL had just had a baby after she had thought she wasn't even able anymore. My brother had planned to retire early but now has a 5 year old!) and said that maybe if I had a vasectomy, that would help her "relax" (that is an important word. All of W's feeling revolve around the fact that she is ALWAYS tense!). So I went to the Dr.
Part of the process was a questionnaire that asked if either S was even thinking about separation/D. If so, the Dr. wouldn't do the Vas. She not only answered "no" she was so sure she would NEVER do that, saw how it hurt her and everyone in her family when her father left, etc. Well I got the vascetomy and had to wait 12 weeks before I got the "all clear" from Dr. that it "took". Well for a couple weeks before that time came, W had been acting strange. She was in a bad mood always, was surly, always at work, ignoring me and the kids, etc. I asked what was the matter. She went into the bedroom and sat down and said, since I asked, that she had decided that she wasn't interested in having sex even now that I had a vasectomy. Not only that, she wanted a D and wasn't the least bit interested in "fixing" the M. It was done and over, nothing was going to change.
I was so shocked! I would have been less shocked if she had said that she was really an alien pretending to be human all this time! I didn't know what to say. She went on to say she NEVER loved me, not even on our wedding day, she only M me because she thought it was time for her to get M, not because she loved me. That she never forgave me for something that I had done 20 years earlier, wished she had left me then. That she never trusted me, EVER. Accused me of lying and hiding things from her (I didn't and wasn't) and that she would never be happy M to me.
Of course I tried to reason with her. Begged for another chance. Denied the things she was saying about me (I really wasn't hiding or lying!) told her that she had always swore she would never do anything like this, that we both swore we would always try EVERYTHING we could if things ever got this bad. Talked about how this would affect the kids. That was the only time she showed ANY emotion, she cried and said she didn't want to hurt her kids but she HAD to do this! She ended by saying she would leave and go to her mom's if it was 'too much" for me having her around knowing she was going to leave (typical MLC, putting it on me and MY weakness if she left!). I told her no, that I can take it and it would be bad for the girls if she left, we needed her income, etc.
The next day I got a call from her work. She fainted, passed out cold at work. This never had happened before. She works in the medical field so there were Dr's around and they said they had no idea why it happened. Well, I know. It dawned on her what she was doing. She had just done the very thing she swore she never would. All her life she had said that she would NEVER get D'd unless there was abuse but now she had committed to doing the very thing she had swore she never would.
I was devastated. Over the previous few months I had lost my job of 10+ years (co. closed unexpectedly), started a new job where I had more responsibility and would be making much less for at least a couple years, had a vasectomy I didn't want and NEVER would have had if she hadn't swore she wouldn't leave, just started to get D (17 at the time) back on track after a couple years of rebelling, now this! My world was coming down around me!
Over the few months W would come up with all new reasons why she "had" to leave me as each thing she had accused me of turned out to just not be true. As time went on, the reasons got more and more ridiculous and unbelievable and her attitude grew harder and harder. The more I tried different things to "save" our M, the more hostile she became. After finding DB and making progress, her father came back into the picture more and more. He had been pushing her to leave me (the ONLY person she knows who thought she was doing the right thing) and when he found out she was thinking about it he suddenly was ALWAYS there calling, texting, visiting, going on vacation with my W (not me or the kids, just W). He told her that I was the problem, she needed to think ONLY of herself, she was wasting her life as a wife and mother...just what a person in MLC needs to hear! FIL even got her to go to lawyer and file offering to pay for it ONLY if she filed and left right away! (This after W had agreed to not file and just separate).
So, to answer the question, no I never saw it coming and never would have believed her capable of thinking what she was and saying the things she said. I was already so burned out by all the depression/anxiety issues, all the "problems" that were caused by W and her mental state. The effect it had been having on our family, the fact that W had been less and less a wife and mother and more and more only caring about her job and new friends.
Some day my W will have to start to look at what the REAL problems are that make her so "unhappy", so depressed, so anxious, so unable to trust even the person who had taken care of her, had been there for her when she needed it most but is so needing her fathers love and approval that she trusts him even after 40 years of him not caring about her, not wanting her in his life, of doing so many hurtful things to her. I will tell you this...until she can get away from her father and his controlling ways, she doesn't have a chance to ever get through her crisis. Until she faces the fact that happiness isn't something you "get" from someone/something else but from inside, she will be stuck. The profound effects she is having (all bad) on her kids, me, her family are growing daily. The more damage she does, the less likely she will be to ever be able to face what she has done. A big part of her depression was her feelings of "guilt". I remember her saying at the time how she felt guilty about things that she shouldn't and it played a big part in her IC at the time. Now she actually has real, tangible things to feel guilty about. How will she face those when she couldn't even face the things that were all in her head?
This is from the other side of the coin and it makes me cringe every time I think about BD on Ms. Wonka.
The BD for Ms. Wonka was on her birthday!! Nicely placed one...NOT!
Gee whiz....I definitely didn't win the 'Spouse of the Year' award with that doozy of all doozies!
Hi GB -- interesting question. BD took place 2 days before our 20th anniversary. Needless to say, we did nothing to 'celebrate' - he didn't even acknowledge it. It took me several weeks to fully understand the severity of it. I thought it was a discussion about 'we have some problems and we really need to do something about them.' But as we talked again about once every week or two after that, it became very clear, when he said he didn't know if he could still make an effort to try and save the marriage. Said he had been making an effort for years already. and said there was 'no hope.' Five weeks later, he moved to his sister's house, and has not returned. One year and three months later, I'm in a much better place than that weird, nightmarish surreal existence during those 5 weeks and afterward. I thank God that period has passed, and I'm thinking clearly again...
Great convo, GB! You, Boring? .... I think NOT!
It was 2 weeks before anniversary (he went out after work on our anniversary- I think with OW).
On the day of bd, we talked 3 times on the phone. It was totally normal, lots of laughs and joking. About 20 min before he left work (he worked later that night) he called and said he was going out for a drink after work. I said, "Awww... you will miss the kids. They will be in bed." He said, "They will be fine." (Same thing he said when I mentioned how they would feel about d later on."
Now the weird thing is, it was a Monday. During the weekend, I had asked h if he wanted a drink a few times, on different days. He said no because he was trying to lose weight.
That Monday evening, the kids asked where h was. I said he went out for a little bit. OK, now it gets weirder... s then asked me if he thinks xh would ever cheat on me. I said no. I also said I am trusting and that I don't worry about that because you can't worry about it. If it were to happen, I would eventually find out. But I said no, I don't think so and that I trust xh. His response was, I think he would. I just laughed it off and said no. Then I remember thinking, "No way. XH and I will be together forever." I remember exactly where I was when I had that thought.
A little while later xh still wasn't home. I remembered he didn't want to have a drink with me, and the next day, he was a bar. So I went to bed and sent a text that said, "shady".
Xh was home quickly. He started yelling and said, "I want a divorce." Then he went to bed. I was upset, but didn't say anything. I figured he was just mad and would be over it in the morning and we could talk about it then.
Well, that was that. It was almost a year ago. We are divorced and he is expecting a baby in ~3 months. He is living in a house he purchased with hww.
I didn't get the ILY but... I just got, "I don't love you."
Very un-dramatic. The months have felt very dramatic, but it like everything just so easily slipped away. It wasn't easy for me, but it was gone without me having any grasp.
Interesting conversation for sure. Thanks for sharing everyone. I do appreciate it. Sounds like some had no official BD and others and * the speech.* Wonka, birthday BD? Oh wow. It's nice to hear from the other side. Mine was 5 days after my BD, 10 days before Xmas (happy holidays!!!:) while folding laundry. I even remember what I was wearing and xh's mom was reading with the kids. Yeesh.
I realize I have this pervasive feeling. H got there this am and said he had to text someone to let him know he was there. Internally, I chuckled. However, this is what I am struggling with. I'm embarrassed I shared stuff with him....thoughts, feelings, ideas, prior to BD and he shared those with others. I feel weirdly, violated? Again, nothing to do with OW. It's him. Gotta work through those. Anyone else struggle with that? I'm not sure if I'm articulating it correctly?
GB,
The sharing of info.... Oh, yes. It's funny you mentioned it now. I was thinking about the things H told his coworkers about me.
I'm sure he has shared private things to ow I would be appalled to know. I don't really care, though. In my sitch, he isn't "in love". Seem to be all PA. I trusted him so completely. Now I wonder how I could have ever.
His kids and family told me some of what he has said, but they have bigger drama in other areas of the family, believe it or not...lol. They tend to stay out of our business. They did say they didn't believe his was the whole story. They will always stand behind him as family, but they don't agree with his choices.
There is so much that feels as close to being "raped" as I can imagine. The most sacred things are treated as meaningless fodder.
The sharing of information with OP drives me nuts. I went through a spell where W and I would be having talks about the kids, how to split things up, arranging schedules etc. She would dissapear for a walk, or to her room and come back later and want to change things. Through gathering intel, i saw that she was calling or texting OM. I immediately switched tactics and we started putting things down in a journal, in writing, in her handwriting. Just this weekend she wanted to change something we agreed on and I pulled out the journal and showed her we had agreed on it. The good news is that she is now burdening him with her issues. He will tire of that quickly.
Mine is not OW. She isn't anything to be envious of IMHO. Mine is just sharing with him. It used to bother me that he shared with the people he started working with and then I realized "Who cares? I don't know them and they've never met me." No. Mine is that we were discussing stuff and lurking underneath he was thinking that he wanted to leave. I will work through this speed bump.
Ahh, I misread, my apologies. Yep. I think know what you mean now. I think it compares to us going to counseling under the ruse that we were working through problems, and he already had his escape route of ow in the wings.
The part that keeps me stuck sometimes is, besides the fact that he did such a schmucky thing, he told me he loved me everyday, and all kinds of permanent marriage type words and talks.... I'm mad for believing him. That I didn't see it coming sooner. And I don't trust my own instincts now.
Oh yes. I totally I relate. I got the " I love you" several times a day and the "I miss you and I'm ready for you to be home." You nailed it, Shining. I knew something was amiss, although I wonder why I didn't see more. I thought it was stress and change of a new job/schedule. Why were my instincts off? Admittedly, I hate that feeling. Gah!!!!
For me, I saw what I wanted to see.
I had a vision of my life, and whatever didn't fit that vision, was invisible.
I forgot there are no guarantees, but I thought I had one.
I loved being in love, and I put most of my personal value there.
I thought we were on the same page, and would work through anything we had to.
I thought I could change and fix things, and that I could fix him.
These are a few examples of perceptions I can probably alter. I can't alter his, as it turns out....
Our instincts being off....that's one of the traps I set for myself so I can criticize me more. I have to be careful there.
Whether or not this relates to you, I'm throwing it out there in case it helps. I'm not in a place to give advice, lol..... But I can share my mess.
Shining,
I totally get it. For me, I had LITERALLY never thought D was an option. I don't know if I saw just what I wanted although I thought I was Wonder Woman! I was trying to do everything, survive, keeping everything going all while building a monumental size wall of resentment. I, too, struggle with taking the blame for everything. Even when I feel betrayed by my *instincts*, the reality is if I suspects something I'm not sure I would have known what to do with those feelings.
In reality, I don't know if I didn't want to see-I just never bothered to look up and kept chanting "keep going". Maybe I was afraid of what I would really see.
Wow Georgia,
You sound just like me! I too literally NEVER saw D in my future. I married someone who told me for 20 years she felt the same. She had gone thru such a bad D in her childhood and had sworn to never do the same. d was for "cowards" according to her. Lazy people who want to blame others for their own problems. Of course, she refuses to remember saying any of that or other times that she "changed her mind" one of her favorite sayings. She says it like I would be crazy to not understand that she can't help that she changed her mind (even said to me "I can't help that I changed my mind. It just happened!").
I see now that I put up with so much, made my life so much harder because of the way I saw this. My W knew that no matter what she said or did that I would always be there, trying to make our M work. She stopped trying (I remember one time years ago when she said "In any M, there is always one person who is more in love than the other" meaning she didn't have to try, all she had to do was wait until she was the one "more in love" like it would just happen without her trying!).
I too think I just didn't want to see the "truth" until it was too late. I just kept going thinking I had the power to "keep going" and as long as I was moving, kept going, all would end up well. Well, that wasn't the case! When I was forced to stop and saw reality, I really didn't like what I saw!
I have a question for anyone with MLC knowledge. I ran into an acquaintance and she mentioned that xh was being overtly immature. I didn't say anything (I don't really have anything to say to that here on the high road). She made the comment that he says he tries *adulting* from time to time. I know they *try on * personas, however do they realize they look immature? Or is it that they just don't give a fig? Just curious.
I have a question for anyone with MLC knowledge. I ran into an acquaintance and she mentioned that xh was being overtly immature. I didn't say anything (I don't really have anything to say to that here on the high road). She made the comment that he says he tries *adulting* from time to time. I know they *try on * personas, however do they realize they look immature? Or is it that they just don't give a fig? Just curious.
Seems with my exposure to the MLC beast, they are so consumed with themselves and what they want/think they deserve, they do not see/care how they are acting nor how it appears. I know for my MLC/WAW she and my 7 year old actually argue on the same level, I will give him credit that he acts 9, but so does she, I often laugh in my head at them as they argue and think ... S is more of an adult at this moment than his mother is.
Thanks Cali. Yes, they are exceptionally self absorbed. I realize it isn't my issue and I have to work on this. I cringe to type this, and I'll just say it. Acquaintance said xh posts "such inappropriate things" (x BIL says this too and I know he does). I guess xh said he didn't want his daughter to grow up to be a --- (I cannot even enter the slang bleeped out for that ) dumpster. I don't want to offend anyone here, but that one made me cringe big time. . I just have no idea why he would post stuff like that. Attention maybe? I hate that he refers to the children and I know....it's a free country. It just doesn't seem normal. Ack!!
Back to me and my peeps. Thanks for listening.
This high road can be very lonely. I feel like this road is unpaved and with very few motorists. I cannot get off this road. This is the road for me. I would love to scream right here at my desk but they may call security. I know. I know. Must let go. I will get there. I think I can. I know I can.
Deep breaths. I'm a good person. I am flawed and I'm working on things to make me better. Deep breaths.
Happy Friday!
Yeah, I k ow gb, my friend who has got my back and is there often twice a day by phone, has said "my god you are far too nice to a man who assulted your child and cheated on you. He's far crazee if he's still gunna d you around at settlement. " end quote.
I even have been writing db emails, in a way for settlement. Validating his feelings calling him on bs, tonight even thanking him for organising to do something he should, do. Rolls eyes.
Happy Friday too, it's my Saturday tomorrow even tho it's not technically yet the weekend.
Thanks Cali. Yes, they are exceptionally self absorbed. I realize it isn't my issue and I have to work on this. I cringe to type this, and I'll just say it. Acquaintance said xh posts "such inappropriate things" (x BIL says this too and I know he does). I guess xh said he didn't want his daughter to grow up to be a --- (I cannot even enter the slang bleeped out for that ) dumpster. I don't want to offend anyone here, but that one made me cringe big time. . I just have no idea why he would post stuff like that. Attention maybe? I hate that he refers to the children and I know....it's a free country. It just doesn't seem normal. Ack!!
Back to me and my peeps. Thanks for listening.
It's not normal. He has an illness of some kind but you know that and it doesn't excuse his actions.
Validation of your decision to create a safe life for you and your kids.
Thanks to Matt, Wonka, Heather and anyone else I missed due to Erasure (80s reference) of posts. Your input is always appreciated. Journaling..... So I spoke with kids' therapist today. Told her I didn't know if x Mr GB was still on his meds. As those of you who follow along, X Mr GB posts everything on Twitter. She suggested I look to see what I thought it doesn't matter-I guess it somehow helps me process the lunacy. Or as D9 said last night, "Daddy is really weird." Other people tell me some stuff he posts, occasionally o look, just depends. Yes, I know snooping is not encouraged. For me, since I interact with him so sporadically, it's a (albeit foggy, cracked, and possibly shattered) window into his behavior. I can be slammed with 2x4s-again, some of this is my mental check for my children. I always feel a little nauseous before I look.
Oh my. He keeps using the phrase that (I don't want to name him but if you are a sports fan you know) a certain college QB was suspended a game for using. He talked about how long it took for OW and him to have s*x. That his marriage should have had a lemon law (made me laugh). Lots of words that begin with p, f.....you get the gist. OW told him he should have pulled put 11 yrs ago (referencing my pregnancy with oldest son) and I thought "holy expletive! These folks look like trash!!!" Who posts caca like this? I wasn't angry. Wasn't hurt. Actually was grateful that I'm not actively participating in looking so skeezy. Just bizarre. Like watching someone you don't know. Can't imagine posting stuff like that. He's still employed so he has to be functioning at some capacity. I tell therapist and she says "doesn't he realize people see this or kids could find it?" I told her that I don't think he really processes stuff like that. He's been diagnosed with resistant treatment depression and anxiety. I have always wondered if he was bipolar as I know it frequently goes undiagnosed.
Before the posts disappeared, someone suggested I mention him not posting vile or inappropriate stuff. I tried a couple of times. He said "this was his voice". He blocked me although it's all on a public setting for the world to see. I'm not a psychiatrist, however I glanced over several references to our m. It appears he's in some emotional pain. I still document questionable stuff if I see it. I feel like I have to. It's for my peace of mind. However, I think the adulation and attention for OW helps him. Like I said, I view him as a case study at this point. I'm not at the point of wishing him well, however, I do wish for the sake of the children and for his own being that he finds a sense of peace.
XILs coming tomorrow for a few days. We are decorated for Halloween (kids love to decorate so we are early). Still decluttering. Having dinner with an old friend this week. Kids have therapy tomorrow. Hoping she can help me with some ways to ease their anxiety. They have really been sassy with me lately and I am desperately trying to reel that in. I know they feel safe with me, however the incessant outburst can be challenging. What am I saying? They are overwhelming.
Way too early but started looking at condos and townhomes Know my house won't sell for a while but I'm excited about the future. Feels good:-).
So sorry to see this Georgia!
How in the world can someone go from being a normal person to acting like trash so fast and not even see how it makes them look to the world! Anyone reading that who is not a teenager can see that HE is the one that is messed up. By posting that kind of "stuff" all he is doing is making himself and his GF look so very horrible, at least to anyone with any class at all! Keep on that high road GB. It may seem lonely at times but it sure beats the alternative!
GB, I totally get why you want to keep informed. You'll get no judgement from me. I would probably do exactly the same. I would be surprised if anyone on the board thinks you are in need of an anti-obsessing 2x4 wack.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My stomach would be in knots, too.
I agree that we sometimes have to peek into things to know what we're dealing with. We have a duty to protect our kids.
With internet and social media making things too easily discoverable, we can not always shield some bad stuff from our kids. When this happens, I believe it then becomes our responsibility to use the experience as a teaching opportunity.
So, the "protection" becomes different than shielding them from bad things, or pretending they don't exist....it becomes "protecting" their security in your relationship as their mom, and that the bad things outside, don't change who
they are inside.
It's a delicate balance. But, I strongly believe in being honest with kids (appropriate to their age and maturity, etc). This doesn't mean, of course, divulging details they shouldn't hear, or adding things that don't matter, just sticking to generalities, and addressing their feelings and concerns.
I doubt that making requests to him to stop would be effective. It falls into the category of trying to rationalize with an irrational person, don't you think? It would just serve you up on a platter as more of a "target" for him and ow to continue to post, and would just be wasted energy toward their nonsense. They're not worth the air. Lonesome high-road that you know all too well.....
I think you're doing great to talk to the kids' therapist. I hope she is a good one.
The kids will learn a hard, but valuable lesson from all this. That part makes me sad in my sitch, too. They will see how those types of comments and "weird" behaviors have natural consequences.....unfortunately.
I'm not a perfect mom... But so far, no one is in prison. And that's pretty dang good.
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OW sounds pretty stupid. Of course, you must allow for the fact that she is going off the information that your ex is giving her, which god only knows what BS he's told her. Nonetheless, any mature thoughtful woman would hesitate to say such things in public even if she thought them privately, so we already know she can't hold a candle to you.
As for your comment about his possible bipolar - I believe (in retrospect) that my ex suffered from a very mild form - mild, brief episodes of depression last about a month, since his teens; hypomanic the rest of the time, which mostly just looked like a super-effective guy (didn't start veering off into the slightly impulsive and irrational until his 40's).
I wish that I had recognized it sooner, although I doubt I could have gotten him to get any help; he still doesn't think he has an issue.
GB,
They have really been sassy with me lately and I am desperately trying to reel that in. I know they feel safe with me, however the incessant outburst can be challenging. What am I saying? They are overwhelming.
You can give them the some guidance on appropriate expression of their feelings/thoughts without veering into the sassy territory. They do need consistent boundaries and they need to be clear on the consequences. Yes, it is a fine balancing act between allowing them to express their feelings and ensuring that they don't get too mouthy with you.
It is so positive to read that your former IL's have maintained a relationship with you. A lot of the times they cut off ties with the DIL/SIL just like that which can be hurtful if they're the LBS.
Ellie,
The OW is 18-years old. She's willing to hang out with an older man who wears Spiderman t-shirts. That says a lot right there. Clearly she's undeveloped and does not have the life experience one would expect in a mature woman.
Hey GB. Ugh, those postings are ridiculous. It is good you are able to separate emotion from that nonsense. It can be very frustrating when OW makes such a vile comment like that, especially one that would be hurtful to your kids.
I would possibly keep that in your back pocket. It could be a serious truth dart someday. Good girl for keeping it together and not reacting to that. You have been very mature and well-balanced through this. That is especially important with your kids.
I know the kids can be difficult during this time, but Wonka is right on with that. With so many things out of their control, a good sense of security is what they need, and they are counting on you for that. My d has said the same thing about xh, that he is weird. That has got to be tough for kids to look at a parent like some weird creature.
Donno.... these guys are so checked out of reality, it is hard to imagine they find women to go along with them. Just shows you how desperate and selfish some people are.
Keep your head up, GB.
Thanks everyone. Big stream of conscience post. Long. Move over "War and Peace "You all know I love a good laugh. I forgot to say the ex Mr GB says he's "finally living life to the fullest and it's no longer on hold." Posting inappropriate language /stories and your sex life with your college gf, playing video games and tweeting about how dumb your boss and coworkers are is living life to the fullest? Wow. Somehow I don't feeling I'm missing out on not pursuing that life. His journey. Does remind me that while our m had issues and I was far from the perfect wife, much of this is about him. Not me.
Yes, Wonka. I'm very fortunate regarding my xILs. They are wonderful people who love their son deeply. They have always and continue to be financially generous and have helped me get my house in quasi list condition. My xFIL has always said that the ex Mr GB out punted his coverage with me and that I had such a good head on my shoulders. (Some hair days better than others) I am grateful for their goodness and they are exceptional grandparents.
I woke up spinning a little last night. This rarely happens anymore and wanted to share something. When I first came here, I hoped my sitch was different. The craziness. The preposterous things my h said. I was so sure that this was just a hiccup in our R (I really didn't understand that when people BD, the old R is truly done), that I told my then h "that I knew we could fix us." He said he didn't want us to work. Still not comprehending, I googled site and found that when you have kids, then you should go to therapy a d try for a year. I knew we could tackle this and I was ready to dive I to full on Handy Mandy you break it, we fix it mode. Problem was, my then h was already seeking romance and snap chatting with others. He was trying to shed his responsibilities and obligations to hang with his newly acquired 20 something friends. One thing I learned is that I've never though much about OW. She immature and I'm not being rude, but let's just say she's not too much to look at just from a fairly normal perspective. I represent history, obligations, and mom. I'm not a shiny new object and I'm okay with that.
Anyway, when I first came here I felt like you had to admit you were this deplorable human being and ghosts why your spouse BD'ed you. That was my very FRAGILE perspective. That confused me because I knew I was a good person and other people referred to me as a catch. I also knew I had put my M on the backburner. I made mistakes. I am flawed. Was I so bad that I wasn't worthy of love and commitment? No. When I originally came here, I read the SSM forum (I chuckle at how wrong I was with my perception). I just didn't *get it*. I've had relationships end and they ended in a *normal* manner. I was a mother and breadwinner, followed by a wife. At the time, I did the best I could with what I knew and with the balls I had to juggle. I was resentful to the max regarding my xh. I loved him but I didn't want to kiss or hug him. Why didn't he work? Why couldn't he do stuff around the house? He was difficult. Oh gosh, he got fired again. And I just swooped in from work, started laundry, bathed the dog, read to the kids, paid the bills and he wants to kiss me??? Shame on me for acting like I was Wonder Woman. I had to be right. He would never leave his family. He did. I was wrong. Why couldn't I relax? Because I couldn't let anything go. I too kept a silent scorecard. My xh turned the washer on twice in 6 years. The 2nd time I had to show him. I did it hundreds. What did I win? Clean laundry. There was nothing to win. No one was going to name me house cleaner of the century but if I didn't do it, who would? It would have all been done in time. I couldn't be in the moment. Now I can. I've burned my scorecard. There is nothing to gain by keeping tally.
Occasionally, I read a sitch where the h is posting why the w left. And I think @I can relate to her!! She's freaking exhausted and he doesn't see it." And I think I tried to do everything and it still backfired. And I realize and I struggled with this for so long, this WAS going to happen no matter what. I don't absolve myself of my part in this. Quite the opposite.
I read many threads here and I don't comments on most. It makes me sad when new people post and sometimes you can literally feel someone's pain in their posting. Ugh. And there are people who are sick, haven't worked in years, and in addition to the implosion of their R, they are literally trying to survive. Isn't that what we all try to do? After reading here and seeing eerily similar circumstances, you sometimes * know * what's next. And sometimes you don't want to know.
I read where people say if xh or xw will just apologize then we can R. I don't ever expect an apology from xh. And that's okay. I accept that. I read the piecing and I think "geez this looks more difficult than moving on ." I say none of this to squelch hope because I believe there is no better way to better yourself and your Rs than with DBing. I read on other forums but I don't post unless it's just a funny. I loathe vindictiveness and vengeful behavior. Yes, I do occasionally feel that and I will not be that way.
I'm grateful. I'm happy. I'm thankful. I live better than at least 90% of the world's population. My life is different than what I saw and it's good. It can even be better. My R with xh? It will become what it's supposed to be. I have 3 wonderful kids who I love more than anything. I'm so blessed to be their mom. That was wordy eh? Just ruminating over stuff I've felt. Happy Tuesday:). Enjoy the typos !!!
Amen, sista.
Look at you, and your wordy-a$$ go!!! (I'm fluent in 'wordy', 'typo', 'sarcasm' and I'm studying 'gobbledygook', along with GoatGal.
You sound terrific. And wise. Dang. Loved reading this today
.
Funny for everyone. Yesterday, they were coming to redo floors. I know this crew as they've done all repairs to get house in quasi listable shape. X Mr GB was late (nothing new although I did laugh when OW said it was disrespectful for me not to leave as soon he gets there. OW, please feel free to have a convo with me when you get a job and pay bills).
Me- " Ex Mr GB, don't lock the back door as crew will be here at 7." This should not be a concern as he rarely locks doors and actually has left door wide open. I grabbed person and just said "dog has been out so door is unlocked".
I get call from crew after I get to work. We can't get in. Door is locked. Gah!!!!! And interestingly enough, I don't think he did it on purpose. I just think he for once recognized door was unlocked and he locked it. Stay looney, EX Mr GB:-)
I would appreciate any opinions on this topic. A couple of former coworkers have been heavily pursuing me for a new career opp. I met with the national sales director this evening (I used to work with him and we are friendly. I've known him for years).
My current gig is good. I work in what is considered a sexy industry (no- not lingerie modeling). However, it is a changing and contracting industry. The lowdown of my current gig is as follows:
I work with good people. I adore my boss. I make just a smidge under 6 figures. Many perks. Good benefits. Great vacation and the company is financially sound. My job is not particularly stressful. I do travel a few times a year and because of the industry, it takes me to NYC, LA, SF, and London. I used to travel a ton for my old job. To be perfectly candid, I'm not particularly challenged and it is and will continue to be a contracting industry. My commute is about 45 minutes on the am and an hour to get my kids in the afternoon. They have been very kind and supportive of me. I do have to plan ahead. I have no idea of the longevity of my current position and I would prefer to change industries. It is to this day, the best job/ package I have ever had.
The new opportunity is work from home. Over 6 figures. Even better benefits. Thriving industry that I cannot even with my very vivid imagination envision this going away. Not a great vacation package. Stellar benefits. I would have to travel about 4 days a month. More stress, yet not stress like I've had before with a start up. . Very financially secure company. As I am friends with one of the people, they are aware of the changes in my life although I hate discussing my caca except here. I could also move at any point and that would not be an issue.
At my current gig, I have a $5k bonus coming at end of Nov. and a 5 digit check in January. It may sound counterintuitive but I was honest on that I did not want to make any changes until the new year. I realize it's more money in the new opp, however I would prefer to stay at my current gig and take these 2 lump payments. Plus, honestly, I'm not quite myself yet as I'm still processing this stuff. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not quite my fully energetic , enthusiastic self even though I am highly interested in this opp. They are not in a hurry and have been clear.
Am I silly for staying for the big payment in Jan when I could be making more $$$$ in general? For the first time, I can truly evaluate an opp without worrying about how all would impact my spouse (he's an ex now ). Due to reasons I've discussed before (and I don't want to bore anyone anymore than I have), I always had to consider how things impacted him very early in the process. I don't regret that-it was just necessary and what I felt was best. No more. Just what is in the best interest for me and the peeps.
Thoughts??? Thanks for any input.
Ohhhh........wow. Big decision. Congrats!!
If you can stay through the lump checks, and then go for the new, from what it sounds like....me knowing nothing from the outside? Yeeeaasshhhh.
It can be good to be comfortable, less-than-challenged, through this stress and grief. I don't know how I'm going to learn anything new right now....
...... that's a scary thought for me.
But by January, the timing could work out. Unless of course.....life throws some kind of .....never mind.
Ok, just so you know, I have never been motivated by money. I've had it, I've lost it, rinse repeat. It doesn't move me emotionally, and my family believes to this day it's an abnormal disorder that I must have, to be so indifferent about money.....
But....I would ask myself, because I really don't know these answers:
Why wouldn't you?
Why not try to capitalize on the opportunity if it's possible?
I mean....you're worth that. That's why they have those lumps for your position, no?
.
Unless the lumps serve as a "promise to stay" or if your integrity is at stake....that would be the thing that would hold me back.
GB
First congrats!
Am I silly for staying for the big payment in Jan when I could be making more $$$$ in general?
I would not call that silly – I call it smart. Then again, if possible you could ask the lump sum as part of the negotiation with the new firm.
I always had to consider how things impacted him very early in the process. I don't regret that-it was just necessary and what I felt was best. No more. Just what is in the best interest for me and the peeps.
BINGO. What is in the best interest of you and the peeps!
My only comments are:
1) One of the hardest things for me to do post all of this (to use your words) caca….was to learn how to TRUST MYSELF. So my advice would be…to really listen to your inner self. Trust your instincts. Do not let FEAR drive any of your choices.
2) My second point FWIW…..is to ask yourself a few questions (as I like to say…I do not need the answers…they are for you)
a. Is part of you running on some level?
b. What impact will this have on the kids?
c. Is this really what you want OR are you doing it to change things up?
On personal note, flexibility for me is the most important thing. I had 3 kids to think about and although they are no longer little…I still needed to think about them. I also had to think about me. Luckily, my employer understood and continues to understand the position I am in and that is worth much more than a bigger paycheck. FTR, I am not saying this to sway you one way or another – just giving you my perspective. Maybe it helps maybe it does not.
This much I do know….
I have watched you do the “work”….I have no doubt that whatever you choose will be the right thing.
Good luck and God Bless.
Eric
GB,
I think for people in the business world the focus has been the tangibles which are salary, commission, bonuses, and perks that are the outward definitions of "success."
For me, I've found that it's the intangibles that really count the most. A boss and colleagues that are a joy to work with. Working with nasty people or Negative Nellies are downers. I've experienced both working from and being a "corporate" office worker. It is a personal preference for the individual.
I have really enjoyed working from home because it allowed me greater flexibility to take care of some personal issues such as running to the store to get certain things, drop off my clothes for tailoring, or whatnot. As a "corporate" worker, you lose some flexibility as the expectation is that you show up at the office to put in the 'work.' This is precisely what the big bugaboo was all about when Yahoo! CEO forced all the telecommuters to begin working from the HQ instead of their homes...it ensured a firestorm.
You can negotiate a long vacation package. I've asked for 3 weeks upfront as a way to rejuvenate myself and allows me to be a better worker by re-focusing after returning from vacation. As you know by now, anything is "negotiable" under the sun.
It seems to me that the folks at the company is willing to wait for you. And the new year will come up pretty fast...it's only 3 months away. Sometimes it's okay to sit tight and take care of yourself. If Company X really, really wants you to join their team, they'll make it work.
I am not saying this sarcastically but what are the disadvantages to workjng at home (hello no commute) and making more money to your current job?
For everything you have written you are very successful in the career aspect of your life. Why the hesitation to continue in that direction
Thanks Shining, Eric (I've missed you!)Wonka, and BK (I certainly didn't take your comment sarcastically). I do want to make a change and my current gig has good people and the new gig has good people as well. That is an important piece if the puzzle for me. While the new position should be a "win", at this immediate moment, I feel like I have had so much change (and I try to embrace it) that I think I just want to be for a couple of months. BK, you are right in that it's all good. While commutes sukk from a time perspective, it's my time to listen to Mike and Mike in the am. I can do that at home. That's just what I use my commute for- to listen to mindless, *fun* stuff. I just think I want to stay put for a couple of months. I don't want to miss out. I remember the last time I worked at home I could not let it go. I know this is different but I just don't feel ready to pull the trigger...yet. I feel.... anxious right now in general. I don't know if I worry about the couple of days a month of travel and don't want to put too much X ILs. I cannot put my finger on it. Not about x Mr GB or relationships in general, just feel sort of off balance. I know I will work through it.
Did some work around the house this weekend. Dog bathed and looking and smelling fresh and lovely. I do think the house thing is partially fueling my anxiety. X Mr GB got the boys yesterday(D9 refused to go.) d9 and I ran errands, had lunch and watched some g-dforssaken depressing flick. We tried on skinny jeans. I love it when my large intestine wraps around my heart in a good pair of skinny jeans. My phone starts buzzing at 7:30 am today. X Mr GB wants to know if he can bring the boys back in an hour as they were ready to come home. The next text said. "You know how they can be". Yes, ex Mr. GB. I do know how they are. I said wait until 10:30 please. D and I need to run to grocery store and get something before house is shown today. Oh and can he bring the other dog back for the week? He's a lot of work said x Mr.GB. X Mr GB arrived wearing the shorts he always laughed at others wearing. D-wear as he called it. I had to smile.
Made dinner with s11. I continue to be surprised and blessed with random acts of kindness. House has been decorated for Halloween BIG time since end of August. Thank you all for your kindness. I do appreciate it. Sending gratitude and positive energy to you all :-)
Hi GB
Be careful here......D9 does not really get to make those type of choices. I am not judging...just saying try not to make it a habit. Right, wrong or indifferent, D9 needs time with dad.
X Mr GB wants to know if he can bring the boys back in an hour as they were ready to come home.
Same applies here..... whatever the schedule is, he should stick to it and YOU do not need to rearrange YOUR life. Yep the kids may say they want to come back BUT keeping a consistent schedule is what is best for everyone involved. Now, if your XH does NOT want the kids, then modify the agreement and let him reap the benefits of his choices.
Regards
Eric
Hey GB. Thinking of you. I know you have a tough decision to make. I know you will make the right one. Whatever it is, you will be great!
Thanks Mighty!
Eric-Thanks for your input. It is always so insightful and I never think you are judging. D9 is my handful. She is extremely bright and has a terrible temper. She has behavioral problems that x Mr GB always said he "hoped would go away." I saw a rainbow yesterday that I hoped had a pot of gold at the end:-). Perhaps Man'ti Teo's gf was holding said pot of gold? D9 was kicked out of pre k and suspended from public school. Private school has helped. I agree that she needs time with her Dad. Her therapist has told me many times that D cannot feel *forced* or *coerced.* When she does, she lashes out-big time. This is not a tantrum rather an epic, full blown meltdown. D is also my size so I can't scoop her up. It's a tricky balance with her and an ongoing challenge. I struggle with what is the best way to help her through difficult situations.
You are right. Ex Mr GB wants to hang out with his gf so he will decide to bring the kids back early. None of his new friends have kids. I admit I feel guilty because the only child x has moderate interaction with is S4. I feel bad for the other 2 so I feel panicky when he says they want to come home. You are 100% correct that I need to do a better job with that. It's strange to think their dad doesn't ask how they are, how school is, etc. Oh well. Can't control him.
GB, are you kidding?? Your D9 is your size?? I'm picturing that you're either the size of Ariana Gr@nde, or D9 is some kind of super-model-type being.
I'm sorry you have your hands full with her behaviors. I have no doubt that you're doing an incredible job managing the meltdowns. Those are not fun.
You crack me up with the hysterical references.... You remind me of one of my favorite writers.
Shining,
You make me laugh! The Grande' girl is adorable isn't she? D9 and s4 are amazons for their age although I'm not sure the average age of an amazon. Ex Mr GB is 6'4 and I'm 5'4. D9 is 5'1- not quite the same as me but comparable. Every once in a blue moon, D and I go somewhere and people think we are sisters. I certainly don't look younger and I think it's because we are frequently dressed similarly. S11 is about 2 inches shorter than D which occasionally cause some friction. I remind him that he has the dreamy One Direction hair:-)
I'm not sure what's up today, but I have the eye twitch going on. I only have that during very trying, stressful times and it's rare that I have it. Eye twitch be gone!!
I hate doing this but I did. On my drive in this am, I wondered if x Mr GB ever regrets his decision. It's a complete waste of brain cells (much like when I discuss who Leo DiCaprio's next model gf will be or make predictions for football games although those wasted convos are fun:). I doubt he will and I certainly never expect an apology. I don't know. I planned on getting married once and while that certainly may hold true, I thought m was forever. It's just strange. Guess I don't get how you can walk out, ignore your kids for the most part (he is taking financial responsibility), take up with a student and act like you are 25. I dunno. It doesn't have to make sense-I get that. Just seems so bizarre to me. To each his own. I understand that. Sometimes I hate logic.
GB,
Sounds like you have your hands full with D9. I think the only thing you can do for her is to continue to take her to therapy and find ways for her to “cope” with what she is going through. IMO, she needs to see dad, even if it is just for dinner or lunch or something. If you can tolerate having a sit down with your ex, maybe you both take her for lunch every now and then so that she can see her dad.
You are right. Ex Mr GB wants to hang out with his gf so he will decide to bring the kids back early.
Habits become behaviors….behaviors drive who you are. My point, the more you allow H to bring the kids back…the more the habit will become his and your behavior. Are the kids safe with him?
I admit I feel guilty because the only child x has moderate interaction with is S4. I feel bad for the other 2 so I feel panicky when he says they want to come home.
As a parent of 3 (S20, S19, and D13)….that went through this…I can tell you that the older ones can learn how to manipulate a sitch – if you teach them. What I mean is that… 1) if they are safe and ex is not abusing them…then they NEED dad in their life. Even if that is to learn that they do not want to be like him. 2) you do not want to be in a position later where they throw in your face that you kept them from dad. 3) In my case, the kids learned to manipulate the sitch. They knew how to work the process, which in my case was easy since XW and I do not speak. Once they learn that they can call mom or dad and say this and or that and they will get what they want…the will use it. So be careful. I understand your concern…just make sure that you are not over compensating (I did) for the divorce.
You are 100% correct that I need to do a better job with that.
How do you plan to do better? What ideas do you have?
It's strange to think their dad doesn't ask how they are, how school is, etc. Oh well. Can't control him.
No you cannot control him but you can control YOU. Your ex make come back around, once his new relationship is more established. That is what happened in my case. My XW was somewhat not around a lot – in part because OM was still married. Once he was divorced my ex could intro him to the kids – so they did not have to “hide” as much. This is another reason why….you want to establish some clear consistent boundaries with your ex.
In terms of how you feel today…..normal. Honestly, sometimes I still have those moments but they as far and few between. You will never understand it. Never. You can though have compassion for them.
GB, no waaaayyyy!!! Your eye twitches, too?? Mine hasn't in a long time. It started just before H suicide attempt and continued through sometime mid-summer..... I completely forgot about that!!!
Here's my theory: "Logic" and "crazy" can not exist in the same universe. While they walk among us, they can not relate, communicate, nor see reality. I'm convinced they all drink a secret MLC flavored Kool-aid, which causes a major case of the "F- its". (Rhymes with 'buckets'). This is their alien form of "logic", and also their answer to the question, "should I be doing this?"
What's bizarre to me, is that they can be one person for years, and suddenly flip into exactly what they previously despised. And they get away with it in front of others, who don't see the same extremes. Then I worry that I'm the crazy one....
I'm going with the assumption that some do regret their decisions. I believe they all question their choices at some point, even if they never admit to it.
Thanks Eric and Shining. I'm not winking at you both, rather the twitch is kicking up. Not sure why....
Eric, you ask the question that I have struggled with for some time. Right before xh moved out, he would talk in his sleep. "I don't want to hurt the kids. Please help me not hurt GB". When I told him of my concerns, he broke down and said he was terrified he was going to physically hurt the children. He would not admit that to psychiatrist and I do know he no longer sees the psychiatrist. Perhaps his stress level is much lower and he has such limited interaction with the kids that those feelings have subsided. I do know he drinks frequently and OW is in college so he has no idea that I know about her. He says and I quote, " we will never introduce OUR children to other people." I feel ridiculous having typed that whole paragraph because it sounds like something you see on a sketchy talk show. It seems so crazy. This is also why I struggle with him wanting to bring them back. Is he getting frustrated with them? Is he getting frustrated? The longest he's been with them since moving out is 21 hours and that was 2 kids. This is a topic xh stonewalls on..... I have just said that the children's well being and safety is my number 1 priority. I was extremely close to my Dad so it's not that I don't want them to see their dad. It is also just about the only time I get to myself unless you count work:-)
I don't know. Here's a big old paragraph of assumption. Maybe he puts on a mask and he seems okay for the 2 minutes I see him. I am assuming he feels a relieved level of stress. No kids all the time. No me. Heck he even brought his dog back for this week because "he's a lot of work." Xh goes to work, plays video games, hangs out with OW and drinks. I do know that for a fact. I'm sure the R helps with his depression although I find it hard to believe he was magically healed by leaving? I don't know. I mean he said some just crazy caca before he left. A mutual friend said that he says OW makes him believe in love and that several You Tube videos have made him cry. I'm not particularly romantic so I can't relate to this. I know he loves the kids as best he can, however he is very disconnected with them. Obviously, I can't fix that. I guess I feel like I need to keep a watchful eye if anything seems amiss. Maybe he is stabilizing? Maybe he's happy? Maybe I was a big part of the problem? I don't know. This is quite possibly the most sensitive person I've known in my life. And his tweets? Those can make me feel ill so that is my way of seeing how his mental health seems. I realize that sounds crazy too.
Sorry for the downward dog sound today. Can't quite figure it out. Thanks for your support and thoughts.
GB,
My little eye twitch flares up about once a week. When I feel it I think back to what my brain is doing. Usually, I am worrying, being obsessive or not being detached. I chose to think of it as my body telling me to calm the heck down and relax.
GB,
Thank you for the explanation. I now have a better understanding of why you feel the way you do. Can you tell me what the parenting arrangement is?
If he is unable to spend much time with the kids, then you may want to explore having a somewhat consistent baby sitter so that GB can take care of GB.
I was a full time care giver for a while and it can really wear you down so take care of YOU too.
The parenting plan is every other Saturday (overnight) from 9 am to 5pm Sunday. He does take them to school 3 days a week. He arrives at 6:30 and they leave at 6:45. This is not part of the plan as we are looking to move 45 mins to an hour away (different suburb) to be closer to family and friends. Ex is well aware of this as this was in discussions for years. He is supposed to have them 2 weeks in the summer (he did this past summer as he said going anywhere with them would *traumatize him* and he would *ruin* their time.) He is also scheduled to have them the week after Christmas. The first time he took them overnight (about 6 weeks ago), he brought them back after about 6 hours. He lives about 10 minutes away and I got D9 and S11 phones so they could chat or text him without me being the go between. He has never called but does text a "I love you" every few days. He is welcome to see them another time if he would like. S11 spent a week night once and played video games. My house is kind of crazy and I don't want to sound like the end all be all. I don't even know if it's always a good thing that all 3 of my children are extremely attached to me.
My babysitter is/was wonderful. She got a sports scholarship so she isn't as free as she was (darn her! I'm kidding. She's a wonderful kid). I do need a little more time to myself for grown up activities. I've enjoyed season 3 of Curious George (it's the 1st television other than sports I've watched in over a year). and love being with them. We travelled a good deal this year and that was a blast. However, I know I need to do things with friends or even alone. Grrrrrr. Guilt =ick. I have been working on the house as it is on the market.
I don't really sound like a bucket of fun right now, do I
GB
You actually sound quite good all things considering. You have the kids a lot. They are close to you. They are safe and comfortable with you. You are trying to sell your house. Your H is giving them what he can right now. You have a parenting plan in place.
Damn girl...you sound much better than I did when I was first divorced.
As I watched you go through this the one thing that always struck me was your approach. You always were leveled headed, always had the right perspective - even when you were having one of those days. In many many ways you remind me of an old poster that I knew named Albuquerque. She ended up reconciling with her spouse. She was a natural DBer. You sound a lot like her. I have no doubt that you are going to thrive. You will get through this and one day...I believe you are going to find that one person that will really compliment you. Something tells me that it will be the R...that you have always wanted. They'll "get you" and you'll "get them". I can't explain it...but I do get that vibe whenever I read your thread.
Keep doing what you are doing.
Just don't forget to feed your soul too.
Enjoy the kids, you are getting close to the teenage years, which could be interesting. Remember what you have learned here and use it in your life. I've said often DB is not a tactic, nor is it JUST A TOOL to save your M...rather it is a way of life.
God Bless,
Eric
Pre-apology for the premeditated highjack, GB.
Eric, I read a post of yours on a thread you created on 3/3/14...."the star is inside of you".
It was a great post. I think it may help many of us who came on board a while later, and missed it.
Would you mind re-posting?
I'm glad you're here.
He's a good one, that Eric, Shining. Great friend of mine.
Of COURSE he is....I should have guessed, lol.
I hope some of what you all have here is contagious..,,
I want that fever!
Of COURSE he is....I should have guessed, lol.
I hope some of what you all have here is contagious..,,
I want that fever!
ME TOO!!! And I REALLY want to read "the star inside of you"!!!!
Lol, Shining. Yep, those three men are personal friends that I was lucky to have met here. They have my back and I theirs. I am a lucky girl!!! Although having three brothers can be a pain sometimes. LOL!
Shining- no apology necessary. You know I adore you. You can list me as a reference during your job search.
Hi Ur! Love your posts. It's always a party on this thread complete with confetti, balloon animals, and obscure 80s music with new stuff sprinkled in. Sometimes I borrow s11's disco ball. I concur that Eric is really groovy.
Eric, thanks for your kind words. Really. You made me tear up. I take it as the ultimate compliment when people insinuate I sort of have my caca together. People have always stated that I have have such a "good head on my shoulders." Some days I'm not sure:-). Some days It is nice to hear. I don't know if I always DB correctly, although I knew I has to let xh go. Really let him go. It was for my own well being. I read many threads where the w or h will have conversations with their WAS about meaningful topics. I think that's awesome and I am happy for them. I used to feel a slight twinge of envy. Now, I don't. However, I also realize I was always providing solutions, trying to fix things and him (in the words of the great Charlie Brown-ACK!!!) or saying "have you thought of x?" And I decided no more. Not to punish him. Not out of spite or anger. Just let him live his own life. And I live mine. And if we are to have any kind of R, I have plenty of time to figure that out.
Oh wow. I found out the guy that I think is hot (I only see him on Thursdays) is 32. Yikes. I'm sporting my crazy hair today. And my crazy sense of humor because it is the way to survive.
GB
However, I also realize I was always providing solutions, trying to fix things and him (in the words of the great Charlie Brown-ACK!!!) or saying "have you thought of x?" And I decided no more. Not to punish him. Not out of spite or anger. Just let him live his own life. And I live mine. And if we are to have any kind of R, I have plenty of time to figure that out.
And this ^^^^ is why I'm always happy when I read your thread. It is also why I say you have your caca together.
I don't know if I always DB correctly, although I knew I has to let xh go. Really let him go. It was for my own well being.
Ha! This up there ^^^^ that is DB'ing correctly. It really is. It is not about the WORDS you say...it is really HOW your live your life and the ACTIONS you take to live it. It is about learning to let go in love for several reasons....first because you really love yourself and second...because you come to realize that they too are in pain. So you let them go, give them to God...you truly love them from a distance. Love them and respect THEIR choices. DB is a way of life...and from where I sit...you found it. Amen!
I concur that Eric is really groovy.
thank you...it means a lot to hear some positives.
Yep, those three men are personal friends that I was lucky to have met here.
.....you are an amazing person. I count myself as bless to have the R with you that I do. I wished more people could sit down and just hang/chat with you.
SS and Shining - I'll try to dig up the old post and repost it. I tend to step away from the boards from time to time so I have no idea if it is still around after the purge. I will post it on a separate thread to be respectful of GB thread.
Eric,
You are welcome to post the requested post on my thread. It makes me feel popular:-)
Thanks for your kindness.
Thanks, GB and Eric, I just read the post days ago...it's still here!!
I'll be glad to share how I found it, if that helps.
Thank you!!
Eric, you are an amazing man. So honored and blessed to have you in my life.
<insert picture of Eric hugging uRworthy>
Oh....btw, Noelle told me to say "hi".
Thanks for the hug....tell Noelle hi for me, too.
Eric,
It makes me feel popular:-)
Yeah...you and your maxi dress, GB!
Can't go wrong with that.
Ha! Lies, Wonka. That and my sky high wedges that made me on the verge of tears when I got to the parking deck.
Babysitter came home last night! Yay:-). She said "Miss GB, you are the best mom and I'm not saying that just because you are funny and pay well". Flattery. Goes Far. With me.
The sky was unbelievably gorgeous last night. I drove into the city to meet a friend and the clouds were like huge ropes with orange and cerulean blue in between. I saw several peeps taking pics. We grabbed a drink and some guy sat across from us and I was taking football with him. My friend said, " I wanna do that !" I asked what she meant. She said I was so comfortable chatting with people especially about sports. She hasn't seen my vast pop culture knowledge. I laughed and told her that I'm not sure how desirable it is amongst men for a 42 woman with 3 kid and a dark sense of humor to know all about sports. I told her it's always easy for me to people unless I'm attracted to them. I guess if I ever feel that way in the future about anyone I will have to figure that out. Not remotely there.
Took kids to a farm today. Had so much fun on the hayride, picking pumpkins, slides, corn cannons, and all that other good stuff. D9 came to me tonight and said her dad was yelling Friday morning and called me (not her) a nasty b word. I just shrugged and said "I'm sorry you heard that. Your dad feels what he feels " and left it at that. She said that he's very angry about me and I said in sorry you see that. I told her it was okay.
I thought for a fleeting second "why is he do angry?" He's allegedly in love, does what he wants, when he wants and I've been nothing but pleasant since our one in person conversation in April. I don't ask anything of him. Don't bug him and then realized "wtf am I doing? Why am I trying to figure out why crazy is angry? " I HAVE taken the high road and will continue on that. What he thinks is what he thinks. I'll continue to be cordial and when I say this, I'm being genuine. We all make choices. Sometimes they are good. Sometimes they may not be. I've done both. Live and learn. To be better. To get better. To be the best you can be.
Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend.
Oops. I meant yes not lies. Darn autocorrect.
Miss GB, you are the best mom and I'm not saying that just because you are funny and pay well". Flattery. Goes Far. With me.
Ummmm….how well is the pay? Cause I just may consider applying. 
I laughed and told her that I'm not sure how desirable it is amongst men for a 42 woman with 3 kid and a dark sense of humor to know all about sports.
It actually is quite desirable…stop limiting your life by thinking (on any level) that no one will be interested in someone with 3 kids. YOU WILL BE SURPRISED! I have three myself and found someone that adores my kids. So get those thoughts out of your mind.
I thought for a fleeting second "why is he do angry?" He's allegedly in love, does what he wants, when he wants and I've been nothing but pleasant since our one in person conversation in April. I don't ask anything of him. Don't bug him and then realized "wtf am I doing? Why am I trying to figure out why crazy is angry? "
It is normal to ask the question….”why is he still angry”? Very normal. I did that for a while and honestly, sometime I still do, then I have to remind myself that it really does not matter. I have to remind myself to accept that today that is how my ex feels and there is nothing I can do about it. You will get to the place where it really does not matter MOST of the time….Personally, I’m waiting for the day when it really never matters – with kids it is hard (not impossible).
Oops. I meant yes not lies. Darn autocorrect.
Niiicce save, GB.
saying riight under my breath
Thanks Eric. You can always babysit. The snacks are plentiful too:-)
Ha! Wonka, autocorrect can be my enemy. Speaking of saves-nice save by your Patriots Sunday night. :-) The prognosticators were pronouncing them dead. And then hands were reaching up from the grave.....
Thanks Eric. You can always babysit.
You're welcome. Ummmm...hourly rate? Is travel included? If I babysit...are we allowed to do all sort of fun stuff I.e. food fight in the house, make a "tent" in the family room, make smores and never clean up?
On a serious note, if you have not tried it yet...try making a tent in your family room. I used to do it with Toria and she loved it. I had to "tack" big blankets to the ceiling...then we would make a nice comfy bed (picture every quilt I had being used)..and we would watch TV in our tent. It was a blast.
Peace,
Eric
I always try to be as honest as possible. Grrrrrr. I got S11 a phone and I just got the cheapest iPhone ($15). When it arrived, it was the 5c which is better than D9's. I didn't even notice. You would have though we had moved to North Korea!!!! I just got whatever was cheapest at the time so they can text their dad and call for emergencies. Eck. And then s11 starts texting his dad and his dad is just being, well his dad. Saying he was very busy and working late and he's not. It's not my deal but I just don't get how their dad flat out lies to them. D9 said "s11, daddy's lying to you. He just doesn't want to talk." S11 is a bit socially awkward and I just felt bad for the little guy. I just wanted to say to x Mr GB " just tell the kids you and your gf are more important." And of course I would never say a word. I just told S11 his dad was probably busy.
And this is the part I should really ashamed to post. The woman with the SSM wants to have hot sex to release this surge of emotion. I'm not promiscuous so this is not an option. Of course, I have no one to have hot sex with. Such is life.....one day I suppose. Did I really just admit that? Yes I did.
Kids are supposed to go to their dad's Saturday night and D is already saying she doesn't want to go. Kids went to therapy yesterday.
I'm just tired. I've been up since 2. Hate to be a whiny wench. Positive energy to you all!
Great idea on the tent, Eric. We will have to do that after a dance off to the "Just Dance" on the xbox.
Ugh!!! GB! The joys of budget-wise-try-to-be-fair parenting.... I'm sorry you had that battle today. I used to explain it to the kids like the difference between "equitable" and "equal".....it all evens out over time. Different ways, but it does.
I hate the lies, too. And for no reason! It's like they don't even know how to speak in truths.
Ok....SSM. Lol. No shame, no shame. Be proud you have the drive, mama.
One word. My thread title. That is all. (Unless it needs further explanation, but I'm pretty sure you could google the acronym.)
How did therapy go? I had the same thing long ago...with my kids and xh when they were that age. One of my boys refused to go on the "dad" bus after school one day...it was a mess. I'm curious to know whether the therapist has advice on this.
You're playing "Just Dance"?? Post to youtube!!!! I wanna see!!!!
All that, GB, ^^^. I so get it. It is crazy to think that they can do this to our kids. I know the frustration and heartbreak. Just keep smiling and being the amazing GB you are. x MR GB- schmuck. x MR GB's gf- waste. In the great words of uR, don't give her your headspace. Nope. Don't do it.
And, girl... no shame in your game! I feel ya!!!!!!! As the total opposite of SSM... It was like daily for me for 20 yrs. My body is in shock. I think I have parts in post-traumatic stress disorder.
Shining- bob... That's awesome.
Saying he was very busy and working late and he's not. It's not my deal but I just don't get how their dad flat out lies to them.
One of the hardest things to do…is to let go of the natural response to try and “get how” or understand. You may never be able to. Never. Trying to is a waste of energy. Your response “was probably busy” was PERFECT.
And this is the part I should really ashamed to post. The woman with the SSM wants to have hot sex to release this surge of emotion. I'm not promiscuous so this is not an option. Of course, I have no one to have hot sex with. Such is life.....one day I suppose. Did I really just admit that? Yes I did.
You should not be ashamed on the contrary you should feel good that you have moved beyond shock and are “feeling”. Part of the process is learning to feel again, figuring out where and who YOU really are. That is not just GB, the mom, the worker…it is GB the women. In order to figure that out, IMO, you need to try new things. Be it hobbies, adventures…and even…exploring your other needs. I am not suggest that you do anything that you do not feel comfortable with – I am suggesting that sometimes, you will need to step out of the comfort zone in order to figure it out. Now that you are starting to come out of the whole shock of MLC, it may be time for you to really start figuring out who you really want to be. Not the person that society tells you to be, not the person YOUR kids want you to be, not the person your parents, co-workers, friends want you to be..NO. who does GB want to be. Oh..and re: the hot sex comment…. Target has batteries on sale – just sayin….
We will have to do that after a dance off to the "Just Dance" on the xbox.
I love Just Dance! My fiancé, my daughter and I used to have dance off’s too. FTR, I never won. If you have the “Xbox Connect”…they have a few other cool games that my daughter loved. One of them is a sport game where you can play table tennis against each other – It is a blast to play.
GB,
I swear that MLCers absorb all thought patterns, behaviors, and actions of new buddies they're hanging out with. As XH's GF is a youngster pretending to be a college student, isn't it too surprising that he likes to wear Spiderman T-shirts and doesn't do "daddy duty" too well as it interferes with his frat-boy ways??!!
As for the sex...all I can say is AMEN sistah! I've been there and know too well about the slippery slope out of neediness. You're human with raging hormones that are apparently in excellent working order. I'd worry if you had the sex drive of Mother Theresa. Did I just say this??!!
Thanks Shining, Mighty, Eric, and Wonka. As always, I do appreciate all of your input and you make me think. And I think I need to think, because I feel a little weird right now. Here goes....
I like men. Most of my friends are men although I have more female friends now than I've had in years. I don't have time to date. I wouldn't be opposed to casual dating. Again, I don't really have time. I'm fine by myself. I did the vast majority of stuff when married and now while I do get tired, I do things at a relaxed pace. No one dies because some towels aren't folded.
I certainly am not to the point of x Mr GB's twitter breakdown although I think I want to know I'm attractive? Or wanted? And please don't think I think I'm Giselle Bunchen cause that I'm not. I do get a fair amount of male attention. I don't really want anything except attention maybe? I don't know. Maybe I want to throw some hot guy down and handcuff him to the bed and have hot sexay times and not speak afterwards??? Did I really just say that? Wtf!!!
I am very physically attracted to this guy I see every once in a while in the lobby of my building. I googled him when I discovered his name and found out he's 10 yrs younger. I think he checks me out but geez I really don't know. I'm totally put of the loop. So in a sleep deprived moment, I joined a dating site. When I logged in, one of the first people that popped up was that guy. He messaged liked my profile and messaged me. I have no idea if he recognizes me and now I hate to be rude but I have no idea what to do. This was a bad idea. I think I should just delete the profile. Some of the things these peeps say is just...,,odd. Perhaps I should look forward to a life of celibacy?
I'm sorry. I'm venting. I really don't know what it * is * I feel I want.
Thanks for this cathartic post. I'm sorry if I offended anyone or sounded looney.
GB,
I don't have time to date. I wouldn't be opposed to casual dating.
Ok, cool! Set the upfront contract, salesbaby
And THAT^^^^ is how partners are supposed to work. (Or, so I'm told....clearly I haven't experienced it yet). They should enhance the already amazing life you have.
No one dies because some towels aren't folded.
I just love that comment. My xh would have not agreed, and perhaps tried to demonstrate otherwise.
I think I want to know I'm attractive? Or wanted? And please don't think I think I'm Giselle Bunchen cause that I'm not. I do get a fair amount of male attention. I don't really want anything except attention maybe? I don't know.
Well, YEAH! What with you being human and all?? And, GB, c'mon.... I have no clue what you look like other than the celeb twin... Which says enough.... But I sense you're quite the looker. Own that chit.
Maybe I want to throw some hot guy down and handcuff him to the bed and have hot sexay times and not speak afterwards??? Did I really just say that? Wtf!!!
Bwahahaha!!!! OMG, you made my night with that. I think I said it in response to your very first post to me...where have you been all my life???
He messaged liked my profile and messaged me. I have no idea if he recognizes me and now I hate to be rude but I have no idea what to do. This was a bad idea. I think I should just delete the profile.
Ok...see what ya did there?? You went from sexay beast, and crawled back into a hole, debating whether to withdraw your profile....
I completely understand if this is all too new, or if your toying with the idea of being ready. If that's the case, take your time.
But I have to ask....Why do you suppose you shy away?
Are you talking yourself out of something you might like?
No one dies because some towels aren't folded.
I just love that comment. My xh would have not agreed, and perhaps tried to demonstrate otherwise.
OK, girls. So clearly I'm not the only one who has had my
Sleeping With the Enemy moment. I can remember the exact moment. I was opening the windows on the bay window, one on each side. They have the grate thingies (I can't think of what that's called at the moment.), and they always had to be with the center part across the middle- opened halfway on both sides. I opened them, then realized what I had done, and just carelessly threw it up when I realize it no longer mattered. Then I announced, "Oh, that was so 'Sleeping With the Enemy'!" S17 was like, "What?!" I just walked out.
OK, I digress.... as usual. GB, I totally feel you with this!!!!!! Totally! I am getting some of the same thoughts. Although I think I still need more time, I feel the same way as you. With that said, I have NEVER dated! I've been with xh since 17. We would park near the canal and drink beer. So romantic. Aaahhhh... I remember our first kiss....
Well... I don't think I want to do THAT anymore. (Haha... wonder if that's what he did with hww since they couldn't go to either of their houses at first-both were in other r! Haha... and she was about our age then... and xh acts that age again! Haha... I may find humor in anything..)
OK, so, now that I realize that I am hijacking, I will regroup. GB! You are amazing and I know you are hot! I can tell by the way you type.
And Shining is right on!!
Dang, I wish you were closer so we could go out and work it. Haha! OK, so strut you stuff in the lobby-- that guy is totally checking you out. It will only be a matter of time. I have no advice on how to approach, bc, I am CLUELESS! I grew up with rough and tough brothers. I may challenge a guy to a race or something and think it's cute. OMG... I am in for a world of trouble- and loneliness. Haha! Good thing I'm ok alone, too!
Listen, GB. You will be amazing. Keep your head high, shoulders back, and wear a smile. Be the fun, amazing woman you are. Keep your standards high and enjoy yourself!
OK, girls. So clearly I'm not the only one who has had my Sleeping With the Enemy moment.
Scary you wrote that.... I used the same movie reference all the time, describing xh.... That skiddish feeling, always jumpy.... Movie dang near ruined a beautiful opera song for me, too.
Agh! Sorry for the hijack, too, GB!! (She's busy ownin' her awesomeness....or folding towels.)
Agh! Sorry for the hijack, too, GB!! (She's busy ownin' her awesomeness....or folding towels.)
That's funny.
Sleeping with the enemy moments
Do you think (pause for drum roll) that we might be seeing a pattern of behaviour here?? Seems like a lot of controlling obsessive behaviours that suggest deep underlying issues . . . .. I had these moments too - there are still things I do with a huge sense of liberation and a big giggle.
I tend not to close closet drawers and doors fully, and do you know - the world hasn't ended (yet) because of this appalling failing of mine
It's the same as not finding the most direct route and making the quickest time to your destination due to laughing and talking too much and missing the turn.
We survived and make a joke about how my h wore his ar$e for a hat, as his head was lodged so firmly up his butt he would never see daylight.
The world didn't end, me and the bestie were not arrested nor did anyone die. It was awesome.
Oh and I get up what ever damn time I like, it's awesome to sleep in till the crack of 10! Lol
GB,
I did, so to speak, the 10-year-younger thing. It was exhilarating and a great learning experience.
We went in with the idea we had no expectations of a relationship. I surprised myself and handled it a whole lot better than I thought I would.
In the end, I did want more. I liked the guy and told him so. There was as strong physical attraction between us. When I found myself wanting more, I was honest and gave him the choice. We still flirt occasionally...he even hinted to coming to NY to visit. But, he is a terrible commitment phobe and I suspect that a 46-year-old, not-yet-divorced woman with a college-age kid and a 12-year-old isn't really what he is after right now at 36 years old.
I wouldn't, however, do things any differently. I had a lot of cautionary tales on the boards about how I could make my life more complicated and so forth. The key is to be very in tune with what you're after.
I learned so much about myself. I learned I'm still damn sexy, desirable, fun in bed and I'm capable of finding someone just as sexy when the time is right.
Just stay honest with yourself and ask for what you need. I discovered that the younger generation is much more comfortable with being clear and upfront about what you are looking for...No games. I liked that. And, I think he learned a thing or two. :-)
Thanks Shining, Mighty, GGrass, Bea. (Hope you are well:-), and Heather. Fr the record, I was the one who did house work although xh used to complain about the way I unloaded the dishwasher. He was welcome to do it himself but alas he apparently wasn't that concerned:-)
So I joined a site about 36 hours ago and I have 185 messages which I'm sure is normal because I'm new. I just kind of scan them and (my profile wasn't flowery-it was very no bs. And funny cause I AM funny:-) if their message is funny I have responded. I have no idea what I'm doing. Seriously.
Heather, thanks for sharing. I'm not really worried about wanting more. I guess in the future that could be an issue although I'm pretty certain I'm only up for keeping it simple. That's why I say I'm not sure what I' m doing. And this is the part that I need to really think about. I have a tendency to get involved with sensitive men. Ones that tear up at the Notebook and honestly have more typically female qualities. Everyone used to say xh was the woman in the R. I don't say that to offend anyone and that is a true reality. I read some sitches on here written by women and it's so strange because I don't understand why they do certain things. They aren't wrong- it's just not the way I think. I want to be clear that I'm not saying this to sound cool or whatever, it's just fact. Heck, it's the same way with my brother. He's much more sensitive. Me and my super logical mind. It's just been pointed out to me by many and well....they are right. That's why I think I'm *trying* to see if I can get the more guy's guy ( whatever that exactly is) attention. I know I subconsciously seek out the more emotional, sensitive men because I lack that I'm working on being a bit more vulnerable. It's very, very difficult and I've got to try- for me.
Anyway, I'm just rambling. This novelty distraction will fade I'm sure. Grrr. A friend of mine is a professional photographer and wants to take pics. We will see. I'll wear my UGA Football Dept t shirt as boudoir wear:-)
Hope everyone is having a great time.
Hey GB,
Aren't you a closeted straight?!!
Wonka,
You made me giggle outloud:-).
Okay. My apologies to everyone for sounding crazy. I think I have an idea of what the root of this unsettled feeling is. Oh before I launch into that, d9 didn't go with x Mr GB (he gets them every other Saturday night. ) He starts texting Sunday morning at 7:45 that boys are having breakdowns and he will try to distract them until 10 am. I know I should make him hold up his end. It is very difficult for me and I feel oh so guilty because the kids are ready to come home. I don't know what to do. I just want them to feel safe, secured and loved. X Mr GB dropped off the dog he had to have again this am. This is the 3rd week in a row. He says kids want to see dog and dog is "so much work." Yes, x Mr GB. Responsibilities are like that. I've got to get it together and do what's best. Whatever that is. Snark be gone.
Many apologies for my crazy posts. I hope I didn't insult anyone and I just sometimes struggle internally with some weird stuff. I think I have figured put this surge of emotion. It is......drumroll. My body. The same issue I've battled since I was 7 yrs old. Although much better, I don't think a person with an ED ever really feels totally at ease body wise. Or at least I don't. I wear a 6 or sometimes an 8 and all of those feelings of being chubby, flabby, etc have crept up. I like to look good for me and I'll admit I never planned on being single again because I assume that one day (and it could be 20 years from now) I may have to get naked in front of someone. I think if rather drink blended shards of glass:-) I don't want some guy to disect my body flaws-I already do that. I don't need help in that department. My stomach is gross post 3 sections and I sure as hades am not clamorong to show that shizzle off to anyone. How do people have such body confidence? Ugh. I didn't have it when I was a size 2. Grrrrrr. For the record, I don't plan on getting naked with anyone anytime soon. Maybe in the assisted living home where there will be more equality in bodies. Ex Mr GB always told me how hot I was and post BD he said that last c section ruined my stomach. Thanks a&$hat! I already knew that. Ughhhh! Now I'm crying. Gottta go for a walk soon.
I hope everyone had a good weekend. Crazy GB is desperately trying to regroup. .
Georgiabelle,
I want to weigh in here because you've been such a great support to me on the newcomers forum.
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with your body image. I can definitely relate. When I complained that my H was not holding up his responsibilities and complaining that things were too hard, the advice I was given (maybe even from you!) was to approach it from a problem-solving perspective.
Validate his feelings-- dogs and boys ARE a lot of work! -- how can you reach a solution together?
I've tried to just keep emotion out of it and say things to my H like, "I'm sorry to hear that-- but I've planned my day around our parenting agreement, so I'm not available until XX o'clock. What have you tried with the boys so far? What do you think is going on? The boys really do want and need quality time with you, but I know sometimes they can be frustrating at this age." Something like that. Don't solve it for him but be a collaborative sounding board, and have a non-emotional boundary in place. Offer advice IF HE ASKS for it. Let him step up to the plate.
What do you think? What would you say to someone else in your position?? You always give great advice!
Claire,
You are so very kind. Thanks for posting. In the spirit of candor, I have exceptionally limited interaction with xh. Most of our communication is done through text and you make some valid points. And I'm gonna get a 2x4 for this so my helmet is off:-)
As much as possible, I keep NC with xh. Yes I see him 3 days a weeks for about a minute at a clip and as I'm leaving I say "have a nice day." At this particular juncture, unless we had a conversation, I think it will be difficult to validate him. I should suck it up, however it seems kind of silly to validate a man who sees his kids for about 50 hours a month to say I know it's hard. It seems not authentic and I struggle with that. I limit conversations to logistics and financials and my older 2 have phones as are welcome to converse with their dad. He will send D9 a text about once a week telling her he loves her and same for S11. He has asked to speak to S4 on the phone twice since moving out and not the other 2. I hope that we can have a friendlier R at some point, however, very limited contact is best for me at this moment.
This may sound like mind reading, although h is just done with the kids after about 20 hours. Right now his R with his gf is most important (this is very obvious) and perhaps he feels that his R with the kids is great. D9 was reminiscing this weekend about when her dad was fun and normal. It makes me sad to watch them struggle although I realize it's his loss. My xh has never asked for advice and he has never mentioned the divorce to them. I had to tell them.
I dunno. I relish little to no contact with him at this point I suppose. I know he loves the kids in his way and to the best of his ability. I hope he finds peace one day and at this moment, that's what I've got for him. That gosh darn brutal honesty.
GB,
You do have the power to push back at XGB if he whines about "this being too much responsibility." Let me share a brief story about Ms. Wonka and our dog.
Early on in our separation right after Ms. Wonka moved out of our house into the OW's house, we had a dog switcheroo where it was her turn to take care of the dog. The swictheroo took place half-way between our respective locations at that time which was a good 6 hour drive.
At one point, Ms. Wonka whined a bit and wanted me to come & pick up the dog early. I texted back and said firmly:
"Teddy is your responsibility during this time. You need to figure this out and I will pick her up at XXXX (previously agreed upon date)."
When I set that boundary, Ms. Wonka never whined again as she clearly understood that the time with the dog is HERS and others are mine. I made things work from my end.
Same for XGB. He needs to figure out how to make this work during his time with kids instead of fobbing the kids off to you when it gets "too difficult/too challenging" or when it interferes with his frat-boy lifestyle.
HElllooooooo! You're the Dad here, dumbass!
Wonka... Thanks for sharing your story. Ironically enough, x Mr GB sent me a text tonight asking if I could watch said dog this weekend as he will be, ahem, working and attending "classes." I said, "I can't this weekend. We will be out of town. Enjoy the classes !"
We are going to see my brother (he's doing well with his prosthetic) and will have to take my dog.
Still regrouping here in crazy body image land:-)
GB. Listen. You can NOT let what xMr GB said get into your head. Clearly, he has no idea what good taste is right now. Clearly he is so out of touch with reality. Clearly he is living a superficial life. Clearly he does not see that those marks are beautiful representations of the most amazing things he has in his life, which you provided him with- his children. Clearly, he does not see clearly.
I am sorry you were feeling down about this before hand and that he added insult to injury. Do you know how many beautiful women there are who bear the same markings?
We are all scarred in our own way. That does not make us less beautiful. Each mark tells a story of our journey. Embrace them. Be proud. Not for a second should you think that it makes you less beautiful.
We live in this crazy society where we base our ideas of beauty on unrealistic images. Do you really think that ANY of the pictures you see of women who represent "beautiful women" aren't artificially reproduced. They are ALL changed, enhanced, covered, manipulated, twisted, turned, pumped up, you name it... it's done. Is that what we are to compare ourselves to?
If I could have a glam squad come very day and "do me up" the way we see people on tv and the movies, he11! I don't know what, but, he11!
Seriously, as women, we are harder on each other than we ever should be. Any man you get naked in front of is not going to be thinking about that. You will give him a night to remember. Marks on your belly will not be what's on his mind. I just know it.
And if you get with someone where you have a r, I know that you will not be with a superficial guy. He will see the amazing, beautiful GB we all know you are. He will see them as beautiful, because they are part of you. They aren't marks on your character. YOU AREN'T FLAWED, GB! Don't ever think that. Now, go ahead with your bad self. How much struttin' did you do in the lobby today?
Thank you, Miss Mighty. Xoxo to you. I appreciate your kind words.
GB,
Any man you get naked in front of is not going to be thinking about that. You will give him a night to remember. Marks on your belly will not be what's on his mind. I just know it.
I have heard/read/seen many stories that support what Mighty wrote. Maybe some of the guys on the board can validate, idk.
I don't believe negative body image can easily be fixed by simply stating opinions, showing research studies, etc. It can be a paralyzing feeling, making oneself so vulnerable....it doesn't get much more vulnerable than when one is naked.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way right now. I do believe those feelings can and will change, especially when you develop enough confidence and trust with the future "luckiest guy on the planet."
What are some things you've tried in the past to overcome these feelings when they surface? How did that work for you before?
1) first of all, guys are generally far less concerned with the details than you think. Most of them are thinking something along the lines of "boobs, butt, willing....GREAT!"
2) play up your best features; if you really don't want to expose your belly the first time you have sex with a new guy, get a sexy short nighty to wear, or turn out the lights
3) watch the video to It's All about the Bass daily for a month
4) remind yourself that YOU don't judge a lover by his acne scars or receding hairline
5) hang out with African-American men; they'll make you see your curves in a whole new light
All about that bass, wow I had not seen the clip.
Those dresses are the sort I'm so into atm.
Lets see my fave saying is if your the only Nekid chick in the room no bloke is looking anywhere else. They simply cannot do or think 2 thins at once.
GB,
I think that women more than men fall into the body image trap. You seem like my wife and many other women to have a deep seated sense that the only thing in life that you can truly control is your body image. What you loose sight of is that there is so much more that makes a women beautiful than her body image. Remember that physical beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some men like fat women, skinny women, big b@@bs, no b@@bs, big b*tts, little b*tts, and so on. That first reaction is momentary. After that its who you are on the inside that really determines if you are beautiful or not. Internal beauty always wins in the end.
As a male on the board, I agree with Mighty and Shining.
My W was always so worried about her body naked. I thought she was beautiful. She has this small bulge on her belly that is from having the girls. She was (and still is ) always so worried about it. She would obsess over this "flaw" but to me it made her even more beautiful.
When she went into her MLC she lost over 30 lbs. trying to get rid of this "flaw" she had. She is now built like a boy and is much LESS attractive than before she lost all this weight. Not only that, she STILL wants to lose more because that "flaw" is still there....the thing is, only SHE ever saw it as a flaw! She was never, ever over weight at all. She was built like a woman should be built but she just couldn't see herself that way. She has gone from a size 8 to a size 2 and STILL isn't ready to stop losing weight! All because of something that was only "imperfect" in her own mind.
Perfection is boring Georgia. It's our imperfections and attitude that make us who we are. I can honestly say that the "sexiest" women I've ever known weren't perfect at all. It was who they were on the inside that made them beautiful. I'm willing to bet that any man who got the chance to see you sans clothes would consider himself very blessed indeed!
Listen to these guys, GB. One big mistake I made in my marriage is not seeing myself as my H saw me (which, by the way he never told me until this past spring - that I was 'beautiful and smart'). I was always self-conscious, critical of some detail that only I would notice, and that transferred directly to how I related to him physically. I didn't feel sexy, so I wasn't. I look around at others my age, and yes, we all compare ourselves. But, Matt and LT are so right. And I know several women who are not a '10' as would be described in People magazine, but they sure seem like a '10' to me because they are sure of themselves, their worth, who they are inside. If you feel good about yourself, it shines right through! Let it shine GB. You are beautiful!
