http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488062&page=1Previous link above. Feels like I am writing a novel.
So S tells me this morning J asked him to be best man in his wedding to OW. I asked S how that made him feel, he said he didn't know. He doesn't like her but...I said it was up to him to discuss it with his dad. He said he wanted to talk to someone about it. I suggested he go to counseling, he wants to talk to someone at church.
I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Why? What does it matter? They are joined at the hip anyway. I guess it cheapens our marriage to know he is marrying her exactly six months after our divorce is final. I worry what that means for our kids? I have no doubt J is marrying her to get her inheritance. No question in my mind. There is just no karma harsh enough that I can wish upon them both.
So I am going out with the guy from match. I am emailing two others as well. It still doesnt feel right. I suppose the first step is the hardest.
WH
Warning: Stream-of-Consciousness writing below:
I called my counselor for an emergency appointment. Of course he is out today so I will have to wait until he gets back tomorrow.
I am really reeling about this wedding thing. I don't know if I am reeling more because it hurts or because I am hurt by it? I keep creeping back to the thought that this is "it" for J and OW and they will live "happily ever after". I don't really believe in happily ever after but maybe I am the one with the problem? Does no one else see the madness in this?
And if there is madness so what? It isn't my madness...and deep down I know this has nothing to do with me. I don't believe J equates me and OW. We are nothing alike. Nothing. And I think he knows this. She is just means to an end, right? Then why the he!! do I care? Why does it matter? Why am I angry? Why do I seek revenge? And revenge will accomplish nothing. It will not affect them. It will only affect me.
J is cake-eating again. He wants something from both of us. He needs my help with the kids because he knows OW isn't exactly hands-on. He also needs my help paying for things for the kids because he is always hurting financially. I wish I had a crystal ball and could know for sure what would happen in the future. I see my kids hurting and it makes me angry.
One step forward and three steps back.
WH
WH,
I am sorry that you're reeling at the moment. As with any negative emotion, this shall pass.
From what I've read around here and heard in IRL, a lot of the marriages where there was an A that preceded the wedding, they typically don't last because the shine has worn off and hard, cold reality has set in with the affair partners. Because they did not work on their respective issues before jumping into the next R or they're far too broken to sustain a strong loving and supportive R.
From what you write here, I'd be very surprised to hear that J and OW will go to the distance. If they do, it will be a miserable marriage all around.
Don't give them the head space rent free.
It is good to go back to IC and work through this issue to bring yourself some peace about the whole crazy situation.
It's a good idea to go back and talk to the IC. Figure out why it is you do care.
I am really reeling about this wedding thing. I don't know if I am reeling more because it hurts or because I am hurt by it? I keep creeping back to the thought that this is "it" for J and OW and they will live "happily ever after". I don't really believe in happily ever after but maybe I am the one with the problem? Does no one else see the madness in this?
Really? You aren't surprised she is SOOOO different right? She's needy, demanding, mean to the kids, unhappy, etc right? All those things must be opposite of you. How do I know? Because he was looking for opposite to you.
I remember when I found out about my ex getting remarried right after the divorce was final. It hurt. Why? Because of the lies etc. She was dating him while telling me she was working on the relationship. Then the pictures of my kids with their mom at her wedding a few months after the divorce.
It stung at first.
But looking back, that was a good thing for me. It was a point of a) no return at all. Game ender for me without question and b) because I noticed the sickness of what she'd done for the first time. It gets worse in her case, but....
The important thing is that you realize he's not well. You are the prize. You are the mark he is navigating by. It's just that he isn't well and is running from the good stuff. Kind of like a punishment of sorts, but it has nothing to do with you. More like he feels you are too good for him and he "needs" the opposite.
I would also be very surprised if he ends up happy and content. Floored actually. He'll say he is, but it's not real. He's too busy running from whatever he's running from to be content and happy.
Don't worry that it hurts, WH. Don't worry that you think it shouldn't. You had a long marriage with him - of course it would hurt.
Just don't let it hurt for a long time. I doubt it will.
AJ
Thank you Wonka and AJ.
I wish it didn't make me so upset. I don't know if it's sadness or anger at this point. I'm kind of flucuating between those two emotions. I guess it is part of the process.
Why marriage? Why does he feel the need to marry this woman? I fear once the deed is done she will try to take over my kids' lives. Maybe not. She isn't heavily invested in her own kids so maybe she won't be super involved with mine. Maybe she is not the type to do a lot of heavy lifting in relationships and will do even less once she knows she "owns" him.
It should not be my concern. What he does is none of my business. I have no doubt this will be more of a marriage of convenience for both of them. They both love to put on a good show. But I'm not buying the act. It's all about smoke and mirrors.
And I'll be honest, I'm getting dam tired of being the better person in this situation. Part of me wants to go all Carrie Underwood on his @$$ but the calm and rational part of me knows better. But I think some Louisville Slugger therapy would feel dam good. Even if it is three years too late.
A lot of frustration and pent up anger is inside me. I think maybe some good physical activity would help. I have always wanted to throw china plates at a brick wall or something of the sort. Yes slight anger issues, but I think it would be a great release for me. Maybe it's just what I need.
Maybe a letter that I never send, only burn. Maybe I need a ritual where I can "bury" the past and then after that, no more. My mom told me I need to move on because she thinks J is under the impression that I am just waiting in the wings for him to come back. She told me to let him know you're done and not waiting for him. You're living your life finally and he's not controlling you. She's right.
I know the kids need their dad but he's such a loon. I wish I could scoop them up away from crazy town. But maybe there's a lesson to be learned for them.
And AJ it's good to know I'm not the only one whose ex made an immediate beeline for the alter shortly after the D was final. I think it's sick. Disturbed. What does that really say about a person?
I'm healing. Just takes some baby steps is all.
WH
WH,
Great advice from Wonka and AJ. I love reading your posts-they as so very honest. I have to toss this out.......do you really think J and OW are going to live * happily ever after*? The sad fact is that a) J can't be alone and b) he is the living example of "wherever you go there you are" which leads me to c) why he can't be alone because he would be stuck with himself.
I know you wish you could swoop your kids from the insanity. However , you sound like a great mom and are doing a nice job parenting with J.
Hang in there! Good things are coming your way:-)
Thanks, GB..
I don't believe in happily ever after, really. You make your own happily ever after.
I have been thinking a lot about my marriage to J and I realized it was never really a marriage. I did all the work and he would show up to take credit and he would only show up if I told him when and where. He always had to ask me how he should dress for the occasion and would often want us to match!!! YIKES!!!
He will be no different with OW. She is large and in charge and right now she likes it, but I gather OW is not the type who likes to take charge for long. Her ambition is spotty. And if she isn't overly involved with my kids now, I doubt she will be after the marriage.
Let's see, if J marries OW he gets to claim one of our kids (two every other year), the house, her kid (if they file jointly), her house (if she hasn't sold it yet), and whatever else he can find as deductions. I wouldn't be surprised if J took in her father as another dependent. Then he can have access to his money as well. Only thing is J CANNOT file head of household. I have that privilege. But he will have a crapload of dependents on his return. But I am not sure how that will offset the cost of everything for him. Not my problem, I know, but I like to analyze things. It's a fault of mine.
I have started coming to terms with things. I know J is not trying to find someone more beautiful, because OW is NOT. He is not trying to find a better "homemaker" because again OW is NOT. He is not trying to replace me as a mother, because OW is NOT a better mom than I am. The only thing she has is that she is more clueless and she has different money avenues. And if OW is smart enough to realize why J is with her (which I doubt that she is) then she surely doesn't care because she thinks she is going to be living the high life with J. She is wrong. J will NEVER EVER be financially stable. It's about living within your means, not continually looking for another revenue stream. That is how I know J will never be successful.
It's been almost three years. THREE YEARS!!!! D was so little when J started this crap. I could just strangle him for what he has put the kids through. But I need to move on. I do. The thought of J is just making me sick. Physically ill. I made an appointment to see my regular doctor tomorrow too to go over my anxiety issues. I do need to stay healthy to keep on top of things.
I am meeting the guy from Match on Friday. He SEEMS normal. He is a single dad who has five kids, two live at home. He's a grandfather, which kind of weirds me out, but I am over 40, and I need to get over it (his oldest daughter is 25). He likes dogs and has always wanted a husky (me too) and is planning on getting one next year. He can't be all bad if he likes huskys. LOL!
It's outside of the comfort zone, but as long as we meet in a public place where they can hear my screams I should be okay. No first dates on a midnight boat ride on Lake Michigan. : )
WH
And the best part is that he ins't a creepy Santa Claus wanting to tongue you, WH! Enjoy this moment for what it is...a small opening in the dating world.
Thanks Wonka.
I am really nervous. I haven't been on a date since 1998 when I met J. That's a long time. I kind of feel sick to my stomach. Omg WTH do we talk about???
I made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. I need to refill my Rx and I should probably get another physical. Make sure everything is kosher.
I'm still reeling and angry a bit. It's fading, but it's getting better.
WH
Have fun! I had a husky for 12 years. He was a rescue and a fantastic boy:-)
Of course hearing he is marrying someone has you slightly spinning. I consider that a normal reaction to have since you once committed to spending your entire life withhim. His continued cruelty and lack of acknowledgement of the pAin He has caused his family - that is what is usual behavior.
Give yourself permission to grieve. It's okay.
Then go on your date
WH, Geesh! I have always followed your sitch. I took a week off recently, and it seems like I've missed A LOT with you. I'm so sorry you are feeling so distraught.
What is weird is that our sitches are different but the same. Our xh's are totally engaged in a different r, to like, the point of no return. It STINKS! It HURTS! Your emotions are so similar to mine, it's crazy, but know... I GET IT!! Don't question them, I think it's totally normal for an abnormal situation.
I feel like, wait.... They are carrying on with this like it is so OK, and fine. It seems like others are going along... Am I missing something or crazy because IT'S NOT RIGHT! I totally feel ya. I question myself because they are acting like it's awesome. Well, they aren't.
Try so hard to detach from this. I know it is so easy for me to say and so difficult for me to do. Just remind yourself, they are living in such a whirlwind of crazy and you don't want anything to do with it. Wherever they land- it's not your deal. Remove, remove, remove yourself from it.
I know how it is to deal with your kids and the sitch. I am not sure how old your kids are, but I know it puts you in a tough position.
I'm sorry WH. I know it hurts. I know it makes you question so many things, feel things you've never felt, question things you never thought you would. It is tough, but so are you. You don't want part of that crazy. Step away and let him take control. He will see.
You know he won't be "truly" happy. That quick, c'mon. You can't count on someone else to make you happy. And you can't find happiness until you've dealt with the demons inside. Has he? I think not. He may feel excitement. That is totally different than happiness and love. Excitement is overrated and wears of quickly.
Don't sweat it. Keep perspective. Know you are better than this. You don't want this kind of crazy. You are good. You can do this. Focus on you, WH.
Thanks BK and Mighty. Helps to know people are in my corner.
I hate that I am so floored by this wedding. I am not surprised. I knew it was coming and yet I am shocked. I guess I never thought he would really go through with the wedding. I thought he would string her along but I was wrong. I was under the impression things were starting to hit rock bottom for them. I guess it doesn't make any difference to J. He's not marrying her because he loves her. He's marrying her for different reasons. He would probably tell me she needs someone to take care of her and he feels bad for her. But truth is he needs someone to take care of him sick as that is.
He's a real con artist is what he is. A liar and a con artist. I wish someone would expose him for the fraud that he really is. I wish someone would bring him to his knees. I wish it could be me, but I need to keep my distance.
I have gone from shock to sadness to anger to being sick to my stomach. I feel dead inside. He's out of the county and he made a huge deal about making sure he could FaceTime and talk to the kids and he hasn't called once. He called Sunday before he got on the plane. He called S tonight because S called him asking him if he could go to a function with a friend and Then told S he wasn't back until Thursday so to clear it with me. But never called me to talk to D or asked S to let him talk to D. So much for missing the kids. He's such a phony.
Oh well. J will never change. And I guess he's not my problem anymore. And I think you guys are right, as more time goes on I'll be picking up more responsibility for the kids. I think since D wandered off at the campground last month, J has been more critical about OW's care of the kids. But that remains to be seen.
I am just gonna keep some distance from J for a while. I think it's best. My mom made a comment about how when we were all on vacation last month I was like a totally different person. I said it was because J wasn't around and I only needed to deal with him once a day at best. She said what does that tell you?
So now I have a date. Still weird. Dating at 43? I never thought I would be dating at this point in my life. I hope dating goes better the second time around. Lol!
WH
Oh wishing, I wish I could hold your hand I person.
Each time the johnny dep comes close I freak out, a real date would kill me. Pretty sure it would.
Me too, G! yeesshhh... Never even been on one! Been with h since high school. Back then we would find somewhere to park and drink beer. I think I'm beyond that now. Let's hope.
I hope if I do ever go, you can hold my hand, too??!!
Too bad we couldn't form a practice date group. One where people get to practice dating with other members and get critiqued without any of the hangups of real dating. Get our feet wet without possibly getting hurt.
View it as a social experiment and give it a whirl when the time is right. Relax. Remember that you are just meeting people. Maybe you meet someone you like. Just remember that if you go out with someone, you don't have to jump in a R says dating guru to others:-) (one day I will have to take my own advice)
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the cheer squad.
You know when I was younger whenever a relationship didn't work out I would dust myself off and move on without a hiccup. This is so different. When I got married I stopped looking. Never had any desire to date. It's like reprogramming my brain. It has been three years but I still have no desire to date. I guess I should consider it like meeting a friend for coffee.
I have no expectations really. But it's still nerve-wracking. What do you wear? What do you talk about? Etc. I'm making this a bigger deal than it really is.
I am still reeling a bit and it irritates me. I feel like I am on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like J is plotting against me. Great...now I am becoming paranoid. Ugh.
I haven't heard from my IC. I wish he would get back to me. I need some sense knocked into me.
WH
Wear something you feel good wearing. Smell good. Look in the mirror and smile. Relax and have fun. Dog conversation is good conversation.
Gawd I still feel sick to my stomach. I don't know if it's the upcoming date or the wedding news that has me feeling like this?
I just feel like something is up. Not sure what it is, but my sixth sense is going off like gangbusters. I have been feeling this way for over a week now. Not sure what's up? But I can't shake it. I hate this. I feel like the other shoe is going to drop.
This reminds me of how I felt pre-BD when J was overseas on his trip before he "decided" to end our marriage and go all Match.com. Something isn't right and I can't put my finger on it.
WH
..and you're probably right that something isn't right. But you know what? You'll find out shortly what your instincts are trying to tell you. I wouldn't worry ahead of that.
As for your ex? I suspect he wants a tax write off and SSN checks
Just a guess though.
Dating. Hmm.. Look at it this way. You go on the date. If it doesn't work out, you go home. End of the story. But I have to wonder if you're quite ready to date yet? You'll know pretty quick I'm sure and I think it's a good way to test yourself.
As for what to talk about? If it's that hard to find something to talk about...go home. End of story. If not, then enjoy the conversation. It may not turn into a love interest, but it could become a friendship.
And Wonka, what's wrong with the Santa-wanting-to-tongue-you thing? It could make for a great Christmas!
AJ
Good question, AJ. Am I ready to date? I say no, not really. But WTF am I doing going on one? I guess I need to try it and see what happens. I am not ready for romance but I could use a friend to hang out with I guess. I feel better now. I'll think of it as meeting a friend in person rather than going on a date. Less pressure.
So now I have a mouse in my house. I'm starting to feel like Snow White with all these woodland creatures venturing into my home. I don't want to kill it but I don't want it in my house either. Yuk. My dog will be going nuts. So now I have to find humane traps.
So the skylight in my son's room leaks, there is a huge hole in the corner of the bathroom wall, the moisture in the area is horrible, the windows are leaky and the storage isnt the greatest. I think I will be looking for a new place come next spring. I can handle the utilities and rent here but I think I will look for a place that is about $100-$150 less per month and maybe has a garage. I know the mouse deal is something everyone deals with, but combined with the other things I think I need to explore my options. The location is good, but I would LOVE to find something within walking distance of my kids's schools. Choices are slim right now because it's getting to be cooler weather, but after the first of the year I'll put feelers out. Gawd I would hate to move again, but if it's the right place it will be worth it.
WH
And Wonka, what's wrong with the Santa-wanting-to-tongue-you thing? It could make for a great Christmas!
I have a frickin' legit excuse, Mr. Bowtie!
Hey everyone...
So I went on the date. It went really, really well. I was soooo nervous but we really seemed to hit it off. We met on Sunday for the football game and lunch. Had another really great time. We are meeting tonight for a movie.
I do like him but I don't want to get involved too quickly. I am looking more for a friend than anything but I do have to admit, it is so different being treated nicely. At first I was really dubious of how genuine this guy really is. I still am a bit gun shy, but taking things slowly and one day at a time. But dating this guy I really see the difference between J and the rest of the world. It really has helped me to detach more and it puts a new perspective on things for me.
In other news, J told our son that any money S makes from refereeing should go to J and J will create and deposit the funds into a savings account for S (with J's name on it of course) and that any monies that are currently at my house from S's earnings should be delivered to J ASAP. Oh he!! to the no. I almost became completely unhinged at that. Then I calmed down and realized J has no control over what happens to S's money unless S hands it over to him.
I don't have any proof that J would take S's money as his own and spend it, but I do not have any trust in that MLC monster. I am praying hard for God to protect my kids and I hope that I am wrong. I would be thrilled if my gut was wrong about this. But I am anticipating a fight. A long, hard and nasty fight. I have my ears perked up about this.
WH
WH,
I'm glad the date went well and you had some fun. What movie are you seeing this evening?
As for your son's money, I hope he's smart enough to leave it at your house, whereby you can open an account for him. At least you will know the funds are safe and sound, if he wants to do this. Then again, your son may opt to keep the money and spend it on himself or a girl friend. BTW, I wouldn't trust J as far as I can throw him, especially when it comes to money.
Hi Job
We are seeing "Let's Be Cops". I hope it's worth a few laughs.
And I think S knows his dad is less than trustworthy. He doesn't want to do this and I told him he needs to be firm with his dad and if his dad insists then his dad can discuss this with me. His dad wants him to get a debit card, but I think he is far too young for that kind of responsibility. Besides, J just wants access to S's money.
And I do not trust J one iota. Not. One. The love of money is the root of all evil and that describes J to a T.
WH
I agree, your son is entirely too young to have a debit card. What does he need that for? Is this a checking or savings account? Something definitely doesn't smell right to me about all of this. Yep, J wants to get his hands on his son's money. He will do anything to get access to more money. I hope I'm wrong, but I don't think I am.
Stick to your guns on this one. Your son doesn't have to do a darn thing w/his money if he doesn't want to.
That movie should be a good one w/some laughs along the way.
Surely your son doesn't make THAT much money? Wouldn't a piggy bank be sufficient??
He made $75 in a day reffing. It doesn't matter how much J will want it. I say yes, keep it in a piggy bank. J is full of bright ideas but he doesn't fool me at all. I am trying to stay calm about it. Every time I think about it I become angry again.
Had a great time tonight. This guy seems really genuine and really nice. He has been a complete gentleman and I have had no red flags go off. It is really funny how well we hit it off. Funny how I never imagined to meet someone so nice. I was just looking for a friend.
WH
Nice!!! Just take your time and get to know him. I think most men would look like an upgrade after your ex!!!
Nice!!! Just take your time and get to know him. I think most men would look like an upgrade after your ex!!!
I snorted on my coffee when I read that.
As to the money - an account in your son's name (opened by you and him) would surely be the answer? And an agreement that he gets to spend some and save some. Why is J's name? I do not get it - either control or dishonesty I would say. or both.
Thanks Bea. J hasn't talked to me about this yet, so I am trying to stay calm. Maybe S is telling me this out of context? Idk. Do I want to be on any account with J? Doesn't that keep us tied together? I guess if it's to protect S? We are supposed to go over financials tonight so maybe it will come up? I guess I will just wait and see.
And yes, KML, anyone is an upgrade after J. It took me a long time to recognize that. I think I needed to see what it was like to go out with someone who treats a lady like a lady. It just solidifies what everyone else on these boards says. These MLC people are broken and we can't fix them. We can't even come close to fixing them. I don't want to fix J. I want as little to do with him as possible. After going out with the new guy three times J's crazy wafts off him like a stench.
WH
After going out with the new guy three times J's crazy wafts off him like a stench.
ROFLMAO!!!!!!
So I met with J yesterday to go over financials. A complete waste of my time. We were supposed to meet at 6:00 and he wasn't there. I called him and he was at the store. Can you come back in a half hour? Seriously. So he called when he was home. I came over, and waited 20 minutes with D while J flittered back and forth, upstairs, downstairs, basement, etc. trying to get the printer to work. After 20 minutes I asked if we should do this some other time? He said no, he wanted to get this done. So after 10 minutes he finally showed me the excel spreadsheet he came up with and asked me for my paystub, which I didn't bring because I didn't know I needed it. J then started complaining about the printer again and how frustrated he was because he didn't know why it wasn't working. He then started talking about work and how he was supposed to meet a client at 1:00 and the client didn't show up until 3:00 and then J had to leave to pick up the kids and his boss was ticked. I just said hmmmmm.
He then asked me if we could do this on Sunday? I told him I would have to see. Ugh. I am starting to think he had me come over so I could watch D while he just ran around the house looking like a madman. I went ahead and took the dog and the dog bolted out of that house into my car. He couldn't get out of there fast enough. And before I left J gave me a copy of the dentist bill and asked me if I could handle it. Yeesh.
I talked to new guy last night and gave him a brief overview of my evening with the crazy J. NG asked me if this kind of stuff goes on all the time with J and I said yes. NG suggested that J wasn't quite all there and that I didn't need to deal with all that crap and take it on. I don't want to expose NG to J's insanity. Not that he can't handle it but I wouldn't wish that insanity exposure on anyone.
Speaking of NG, I have been doing some behind the scenes research and he just seems to be an honest to goodness good guy. Everything checks out. BUT I am still treading cautiously. And enjoying the company and conversation with a normal man. It's makes a world of difference.
WH
BTW no mention of credit card issues or demands about S's money. Maybe J knows I will not allow him to take S's money. AND he still won't admit to me he is marrying OW. What a coward.
WH
WH,
J had too much on his mind last night. He'll get back to the credit issue, as well as S's money. He hasn't forgotten.
Enjoy your weekend!
Had a great weekend with the kids. Wasn't head hassled by J all weekend yay! Well, I take that back. He did call me on Friday and ask to talk to the kids. In the midst of him talking to the kids I caught him in another lie. He had told me earlier he couldn't make D's game because he had to help OW's dad movie some stuff. Truth is J and OW were throwing her a 40th birthday party at the house and he could not leave. I found out because D asked if she could go to the party on Saturday. I explained that she had soccer games and we would have our own fun. I saw evidence of the party on FB because my former BIL and SIL were tagged in a photo with J and OW in the back of what was my house. Okay if he wants to have a party fine. If he wants to miss our kids' soccer games to entertain his friends fine. But lie about it? Seriously. He has avoided me like the plague since. He is busted and he knows it. But I don't know why he would avoid me. We are divorced. I don't care and it's none of my business. I don't want to talk to him anyway. He still continues to lie about things he does not need to lie about. What is the purpose of these lies? The truth always comes out anyway.
In better news I am still getting along great with my new man. He is more than I could ever imagine I could want. The more we talk, the more it seems the better fit we are. I can't help but say I am still waiting for the huge bag of crazy to reveal itself. It hasn't and I have seen no red flags. I just adore seeing a man who appreciates me for me and never asks anything of me. Just wants me to be me. It's nice. I always felt like I could never quite be myself when I was with J. Now I feel confidence with who I am. I want to be the best me possible. And I am happier too.
I was shocked and sickened at first to see a pic of J and OW invade my FB feed. But it passed quickly and I hid it from my feed. It's time to let the crazy be crazy far away from me. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
WH
Hello peeps
Been quite a while since I posted. Life is good. Better than good. I didn't think it could ever been good again. But once I was lost and now I am finding myself again.
I am still dating the guy I met on match.com and it is really something after what I have been through to hang out with someone who seems to like me for me...and encourages me to be the real me. I haven't felt this much like myself (the REAL me) in years. And it feels good. And you know, before I dated him I felt myself slowly coming back to myself, but he has encouraged me. And it's nice. I am taking things one day at a time and focusing on what makes my life better. And focusing on making myself the mother that my kids deserve.
As for J, he continues to spin. He calls me even more than ever and demands even more than ever. I don't budge. He has started making demands on S to do things because he knows I won't. For example, J and OW have a "family calendar" out on their gmail account. They have asked S to enter in activities so they can be aware of what is going on. So S does. Now they are asking S to enter into this calendar stuff that is going on during my time. I told S not to do it and if his dad wants to know why to direct him to me. X does not need to know what is going on my weekends. If there is a game or a practice, X gets the email and can enter that in. He is trying to weasel in to know what is going on in my life. It's none of his business. He needs to go with OW and plan his wedding.
The other day D was talking about the wedding and I told her I didn't want to talk about the wedding and let's talk about something else. She asked me if the wedding made me sad and I said, no, not sad honey. She asked if it made me mad and I said no. And it made me think that I really don't feel anything. I'm not really sad or mad about it. I just don't want to talk about it. It isn't about me and it's not my concern. That said a lot to me right there.
I hope everyone on these boards are doing well. I do check in from time to time. It just seems that X will never change. He is still on the hamster wheel and I've grown tired of the same old same old. I hope he has found the happiness he was so desperately seeking, but I doubt he really ever will.
WH
I am so glad you came back to visit and post your update. You sound great and it does take some time to rediscover the person you once were. I'm happy to read that things are going well w/you and the man you are dating.
You are getting stronger each and every day and I'm glad you advised your son not to post his updates about what he's doing when he's w/you. It is none of their business what goes on in your household. As for J, time for him to grow up and stop acting like a bully.
Life has a funny way of making us stop and smell the roses. Keep up the good work.
Happy Halloween!
WH very good to hear from you, and great that you are dating a nice man!
There is life after MLC.
Wow - look at you.
I am so impressed that you are dating someone. You have come so far. You should be so proud of yourself
So kids came back from J's tonight. I nerd to vent. First time in a long time.
I guess my son and my ex got into it about why S and OW don't get along. My ex asked S if it was because of something I said and S said it has nothing to do with mom. S told him he didnt like OW and he didnt like her kids. My ex asked why and S said he didn't know why he just didn't. J asked him why S would have a problem with their relationship and S said for starters dad you never were honest about being engaged to OW. J told S it was because J didn't want me to know because he was afraid I would go beserk and stalk him and OW because of all the nasty mean things I've done to them despite how much they tried to help me out. Delusional much?
So just a reminder that J is still unhappy. I'm gone and he's still mad. Life isn't what he wanted and it's still my fault. Even though I'm no longer part of his life he still wants me to fix things for him. Lol. Poor delusional fool.
WH
WH I am not so sure that they want to us to fix, as needing someone to blame that the dream isn't working out.
Unless they fix themselves, for some MLCers this need doesn't go away. Others do realise it is them, even if they do nothing about it, but MLCers like ours, not so much!!
Oh geesh! Catching up with you WH and I am glad to see you're doing well. Keep on going and living!
WH,
J doesn't want to hear the truth from S on his feelings about him and the OW so XH deflects away...and pointing in your direction as the "reason" why they're keeping mum about the engagement.
How illogical is that??!!
You're doing really great with your new man!! Keep going, baby!
Life isn't what he wanted and it's still my fault.
Are you the least bit surprised, WH?
Your perspective is really great. There will be more times of this illogical nonsense. Some of it is kind of amusing. In a way...
AJ
Thank you, everyone.
In other news J now is insisting S go to counseling not because of S's relationship with J and OW, but because S appears sullen and withdrawn (as a side note, I don't see this). I talked to S tonight and he doesn't want to go to counseling and that he feels fine about things. I see how when it's self serving to J he is fine with the kids getting help. What a weasel.
This guy has lost his marbles. Things aren't good and he's freaking out.
WH
FWIW - this seems normal to me. Your S may very well be sullen. When he is around his father, OW, and her kids. I can't imagine what his thoughts would be when he spends time with is father. But I do imagine that it's building and needs some sort of outlet. If not with you, then elsewhere. Running from it may not be the only answer he has; but he could avoid his father for a very long time at his age. I'm sure he's thought about it
AJ
Well it's been a long time everyone. Hope all is well with all of you...
Life continues to be great. The new guy (NG) and I still continue to do well. Our relationship is progressing smoothly. Funny how I thought my "picker" was broken. I thought I was destined to find losers for the rest of my life. But NG is a wonderful man who treats me like I deserve to be treated...with respect. It's such a concept to me and this relationship seems almost too easy. I'm still treading with caution, but I am not so much waiting for the other shoe to drop like I was before.
With EX, life is still crazy. He and Griszelda (OW) are still getting married in January, almost exactly 6 months after the D is final. S is the best man and D is flower girl. S told me D's dress is 5 sizes too large and the ugliest thing he has ever seen. I guess they are getting hitched in the town where OW's dad lives. According to what OW's ex told me, the kids have to stay in their hometown with their father since the courts will not allow them to move so OW is going to have two homes. One week she will live in my town with J and the next week she will live in the town where her kids live. I guess she will be renting an apartment?? Whatever. That's not a very peaceful life to live. But it ain't me or my kids so whatever.
D did tell me the other day her dad needed my address because dad and OW wanted to send me an invitation to the wedding. Seriously, I LOL'd hysterically when she told me that. As if... It will be a cold day in h*ll before that will happen.
Tonight D is in a production of The Nutcracker. I am going and NG is coming with his two kids. S and EX will be there as well. This is going to be interesting. I still don't think EX knows I am dating. Not that it is any of his business.
WH
wishing,
I'm so glad you returned to update us a bit. I hope you and your family had a nice Thanksgiving and it's now on to the big Christmas holiday festivities. I'm sure your D is going to be so cute in the Nutcracker this evening. Be sure to take plenty of photos! I wouldn't worry to much about what your xh has to say about the new man in your life, as you rightly pointed out....it's none of his business what you do any longer. But I bet his eyes will be glue to you and the new man this evening and he'll be posing questions to the kids about him. LOL!
I'm sorry to hear that the two nutty buddies are getting married. That is going to be something to stay away from. Toxic to the hilt. It's going to be interesting how long she's going to go back and forth visiting her kids. I'm glad her h had enough sense to work w/the courts and keep the children in his area. A marriage based on lies, etc., will begin to crumble in time because the "shine" will wear off once all of the festivities are over and done with. The Ball will be over the masks will be removed and I wouldn't want to be around to see that unmasking take place some time in the future.
Wishing, you struggled a lot w/your situation, but you've come a long way. You and your children have a lot to be proud of. You've made it on your own and have had many ups and downs...you're an inspiration to all that read your postings. I'm very happy to see that life has turned those lemons into lemonade for you. I wish you, your new man and your family a very happy holiday season.
Don't be a stranger...come back and post so that we know that all is well w/you and your family.
WH,
Hey lookee! You've come out of this whole ordeal smelling like roses. You are the real Belle of the Ball and don't you forget that. There's life after D for sure...as evidenced by your NG and your new place. Enjoy the new relationship.
I can picture your D dancing in the Nutcracker production. Sweet little thing all dolled up with red cheeks. How's your S doing these days? Better? Seeing a C?
Keep up the good work, WH.
Thanks, Job.
Lots of crazy things still happen with EX. He still contacts me just about every day for some crazy reason or another. Last night it was a recipe. The other night it was Christmas presents. I notice that when OW is not around he contacts me more. I sense a pattern. LOL.
And OW continues to be all about herself. Apparently at the town Christmas parade she and EX stood by some old friends. I kept my distance from those two. That friend later told me OW just talked about herself the entire time. She kept talking about how she used to just love parades when she was younger but after years of being in parade after parade for "Miss Fairest of the Fair" (gag me) it gets old. Same old people, same old floats. Can you put yourself on a higher pedestal honey?
EX also went on a rampage a few weeks ago about me telling OW's exH about EX's unfortunate trouble with the law. EX was telling me OW's exH is threatening to expose him for what he really is. EX was really freaking out about it. I asked ex why he was so worried about it and it came out that when EX got his current position with his company he was less than honest about his past. I was under the impression EX told the higher ups about this unfortunate incident turns out he didn't. I told EX I was not responsible for his lack of honestly with his employers and there was nothing I could do.
I suspect EX is marrying OW because he wants her daddy's money and he thinks if he [censored] up to papa bear he will be the recipient of all the money if there is any left by the time daddy kicks the bucket. You can rest assured once the money is gone, EX will be gone too.
WH
WH,
Hey lookee! You've come out of this whole ordeal smelling like roses. You are the real Belle of the Ball and don't you forget that. There's life after D for sure...as evidenced by your NG and your new place. Enjoy the new relationship.
I can picture your D dancing in the Nutcracker production. Sweet little thing all dolled up with red cheeks. How's your S doing these days? Better? Seeing a C?
Keep up the good work, WH.
Thanks, Wonka.
S doesn't want to see a counselor. He knows his dad is 5 beers short of a six pack and he just deals the best he can. He wants to live with me full time so I am taking steps so that can happen in about another year or so. S really likes NG and D likes him as well. The kids get along just like siblings. It's kinda funny how well things are falling into place. : )
NG tells me all the time how lucky he is to have me. It's nice to hear and it's nice to be treated well. He doesn't treat me like a queen, he treats me like a partner and it's a very refreshing change.
I am counting my blessings daily.
WH
D did tell me the other day her dad needed my address because dad and OW wanted to send me an invitation to the wedding. Seriously, I LOL'd hysterically when she told me that. As if.
hahahahaha
I wonder if they are hoping you'll send a present, or if they wanted you to come and watch the kids during the reception????
Glad to hear NG is treating you the way you deserve to be treated.
Hi KML
I thought the same thing. They want me to watch the kids during the reception. That's the first thing that popped into my head.
Heck, EX still hasn't told me he is getting married. He is still afraid to mention it but I will not give him the satisfaction of letting him know I know. He can wallow around and tiptoe around the subject for a while.
WH
I'm going to add another thought...they want you to come so that everyone can see that you are okay w/the relationship/marriage.
Another thought is that they aren't really going to send you an invitation, but by asking for your address, they knew it would get back to you and wanted a reaction. If that was the case, it's a passive move on their part. By not reacting, you aren't giving them the satisfaction of getting angry or upset.
Yeah, Job I thought about that too. I won't give them that peace of mind. Not. Happening. What they did is wrong. I am letting it go and moving on with my life but I refuse to acknowledge their relationship as "okay" or "normal". They will not get validation from me. No. Way.
WH
I agree w/you 100%. It's wrong and nothing can ever make this right, especially in the eyes of the man upstairs.
Hello all
Time for me to check in and let you all know how things are going.
I am still with NG. Things are moving forward and are still great. There is talk of possibly moving in together. I have broached the subject with the kids and as long as they can still go to the same school they are fine with it. My kids and his kids get along so well. It's as if they are related. I hate to sound schmoopy but it really does seem like one big happy family.
A few months ago I introduced NG to J. NG came to D's dance performance and when NG walked in with his kids I greeted him with a hug and a kiss. J's jaw just dropped. But he greeted NG with a handshake and a fake smile. J sat on the opposite end of the row from us. : ))) A few days later NG asked me why I ever married J? He said he seems to be the polar opposite from anyone you would ever chose to be with??? I said he didn't use to be like that. I explained that J was not the guy I thought he was and that people change. I said if J would have been like that when I met him I would have had nothing to do with him. Hindsight: 20/20.
J and OW got married this past weekend. It was strange when I picked the kids up last night and saw that ring back on J's finger. Albeit a new ring, but a ring none the less. I have to be honest and admit it stung a bit. And I don't get it because I don't want him back, but seeing that ring brought back a lot. And then there was OW going on and on about how many bobby pins she had in her hair. Like I give a sh*t!! She told the hairdresser she didn't care how many bobby pins she had to wear or how much torture she had to endure and even if the hairdresser drew blood she wasn't going to complain. I wanted to tell her to get used to that notion if she's going to be married to J. But that's her cross to bear now.
Turns out no one from J's family came to the wedding except his alcoholic brother and his lush wife. No friends came except my former next door neighbors. Not sure why they chose to go. I was always under the impression they didn't care much for J and OW. But that is none of my business. My stepson and S stood up with J and S had to give a last-minute speech. He made something up off the cuff. I thought that was a pretty crappy thing to do to a 14 year old.
So my journey with J is officially done. He is OW's problem now and I have been released. There are still moments I wish J and OW would get what I feel they deserve, but I am trying to let it go completely, because neither one of them are worth another moment of my time.
WH
Oh and also for whatever its worth, J never did tell me he and OW were getting married. He avoided the subject for the last six months. I thought about confronting him but decided he wasn't worth my time. What a coward.
WH
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall
My ex and his wife met my BF briefly a couple of weeks ago - all 6'3" muscular handsome black inches of my BF
My ex looked very gray and older than I remembered.
I have to be honest and admit it stung a bit. And I don't get it because I don't want him back, but seeing that ring brought back a lot.
It's probably more about him marrying the OW. I don't remember even noticing my ex's wedding ring, but then, his wife was not an OW (they started dating about 10 mos after we split) so I really don't care. I'm sure I'd have a lot more difficulty with it if he had married one of the women he cheated on me with.
Wishing,
I think your former neighbors went to the wedding out of curiosity...nothing more. Let's face it, your xh screwed up his life and he was another one that had a nice home, wife and lovely family...so what did he got after? They had to see if for themselves in order to believe what he took up with.
Any way, take things slowly and when the time is right, you'll know when to take things further, i.e., moving in together. Sometimes we have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the real prince that will appreciate, love and cherish you the way you were meant to be.
Here's hoping the new year will be a far, far better one for you and your family. It's time for you to begin a new chapter in your life as the page is blank and waiting for you to begin to write on it.
Hello all
I thought I would touch base and let you all know what is going on in life.
Things are so much better in life with the new guy. I can't believe how different this guy is compared to my X. He treats me with respect, helps out with housework and does all the cooking and is totally supportive of everything. I keep pinching myself to see if this is real. And extra plus, both kids love him. He's the real deal and we are getting very serious. We are talking about moving in with each other. He also told me he has student loan debt and since I have the debt my EX left me with we have vowed to work together to pay down that debt. It's nice to be with someone who doesn't spend money like it grows on trees.
In other news, EX is still going out of the country for work. We have a right of first refusal clause in our order which states if either parent cannot be with the kids for an overnight then that parent should contact the other parent to take care of the kids. Well, Ex calls me last Friday and asked me to take care of the kids on Thursday until his plane gets in. I asked him "what about Wednesday" and he tells me his new wife is taking care of them. I explained to him what our order said about ROFR and he claimed that only applies to babysitters, not stepparents and that his NW has just as much rights to the kids as me. I told him he couldn't be more wrong. After a few more arguments I told EX I was getting clarification from my attorney. He snapped and told me if I was going to be difficult then he would find alternate care for Thursday and hung up on me. I tried to call him back, but he refused to answer the phone.
We have exchanged a few emails back and forth but to no avail. He claims that the wording of "should" in the clause gives him the choice to pick and chose who can watch the kids and that it is up to his discretion. I told him he was wrong and I wasn't giving my OK because that set a precedent. He didn't respond.
Why does he have to play these games still? Is it his sick little way of keeping me in his twisted little life? I guess I have no choice that to contact the courts and let them handle it.
WH
Why is he still playing games? Because he can and he will just to get his way. Get clarification on the child care issue and have it written up in plain English and provide it to him. The more you argue w/him, the more ego kibbles he's eating up.
I know he still gets under your skin, but he's still very much a child and he will flex his muscles whenever he can. You, on the other hand, will need to keep your boundaries and when he sees you aren't backing down, he just might change his tune.
I'm sorry he's still acting out...but get the clarification and go from there.
You are doing so awesome! Congratulations.
They are gonna do what they are gonna do. You keep doing what's right for you and your kids.
Count your blessings. How lucky are you to be rid of a jerky guy.
Why is he still playing games? Because he can..
It's been my experience that you could stop the sentence there. The reason behind it is unknowable a lot of times. Even to them it seems. That, and they don't remember it later in many cases.
Good job keeping to the boundaries and clarifying. You're right, precedence is a pain
AJ
Thanks everyone. I heard back from the attorney (man I was hoping I would be done with that guy) and he re-affirmed X is wrong. I already knew that though. He just thinks he is right.
So the attorney gave me some advice and suggested I email X one more time stating my position and if X fails to respond or doesn't follow the court order, he will be in contempt. So that's what I did. He is Hong Kong right now so I probably won't hear from him for a few more hours. I suspect he will hit the roof. The way I worded the email is very professional, very matter of fact and full of legal-eze. Not bad for an amateur if I do say so myself.
I don't know why I am so freaked out about dealing with this guy? Maybe PTSD? I don't want to say I am scared of him but I don't like the confrontation and he knows it. Time for a 180 I guess.
WH
I'm glad you spoke to the attorney and now you know for sure that what you told your xh is correct.
If he's going to go nuts over your message, it's best he's in Hong Kong and far away from you where he can't do a thing about anything. I'm sure he's going to have a few choice words to dish out...but stay calm and do not get into a heated discussion w/him. Keep it short and sweet and if he's nasty, then go silent. Sometimes by remaining silent the true message is heard more so than actually saying anything at all.
That is so true Job.
I got a text last night from X simply stating he no longer needs my help with the kids on Thursday. Apparently he did not like me standing up to him. I simply texted back "I am sorry to hear that" and left it at that.
This morning OW texts S and asks him what time he will be done with his band performance tonight so she can pick him up. S asks me and I tell him I don't know. So 10 minutes later X texts S and asks the same thing. Again, S responds he doesn't know. X and OW don't want my help or assistance? Fine. Then X and OW get none of it and can figure it out for themselves. I just told S to text OW when he was ready to be picked up.
Five minutes after I drop the kids off at school, X emails me and says he hopes I didn't instruct the kids not to go to his house after school because then I would be interfering with the placement agreement and he would be forced to take action through the court. I didn't respond. Another five minutes go by and X texts me that he emailed me. Another five minutes and I receive another email stating the same thing as the first.
He was trying to bait me into a fight and get a reaction from me. He got nothing but eerie silence. I'm just waiting for the right time to watch him hang himself.
WH
WH,
Don't respond to his crazy texts. He's trying to bait you into an argument. It's all projection because he knows full well what the placement agreement states and he also knows that you are following it to the letter.
Ignore him unless it's an emergency. Continue on your path and allow him and ow to figure things out for themselves...the first order of business for them to learn is how to communicate and keep a calendar! LOL!
Stay the course.
Thanks, Job.
The kids have a very active weekend in totally opposite directions so the OW and X are going to have to part ways this weekend. I don't even know now if I will be open to helping out even if X does ask. Which he won't. He is too proud.
I also know him well enough to know that it won't last because he'll need something from me before too long and he'll be back to being nice or nice as he can be.
WH
WH,
There's a Cheshire Cat smile on my face....your XH is a piece of work. I love the fact that you did your homework and stuck to your guns.
Well done!
]
Of course...he's the one with a raspberry beret!!
WH
I wish and hope you have GAL plans for this weekend, since it seems you are kids free.
So tell us what you doing? Are you just enjoying a day with your BF:)
Thanks all. BF and I ran errands all weekend and worked on fixing up his place. I think living together is a go. I've thought a lot about it and I think this is the right decision. It will also help us both financially so we can pay down debt and get where we want financially.
So X is in contempt. I wanted to wait and see how the events played out this weekend before I wrote my letter to the court. Sure enough OW was dumb enough to sign D's school notebook on Wednesday, so now I have documentation that H never let me have the kids Wednesday. I will make copies of that along with the email trail and texts and compose my letter to the court. Of course I will let my attorney review it first.
When I picked up D tonight X was unusually quiet. Seemed angry. Of course. I remained upbeat and calm which i am sure he wasn't expecting. His fashion sense hasn't improved since he answered the door wearing shorts and black dress socks. Ugh
On the way home the kids told me how OW's kids get preferencial treatment. My kids have to share their stuff but her kids don't have to share theirs. My kids get blamed for stuff and their dad and OW defend the other kids. My son verified this story. Nothing I can do about it but it makes me sick. I just told them I was sorry they had to endure that and if they felt they were being treated unfairly they needed to stand up and tell their dad. Not that he will do anything about it but they need to stand up for what is fair.
X and OW think they are untouchable. they think they are doing nothing wrong. I guess I need to be the one to point out how wrong they are.
WH
Oops forgot to mention that X took S's phone because X was mad that S was texting me and not OW. So he took away our only way of communicating. I'll be getting S a phone myself.
WH
Isn't that parental alienation right there?! I am sure the Court would frown on that one...taking away the phone.
Well we shall find out once my contempt papers are signed. We will see what the judge has to say.
X called today to tell me he signed S up for soccer camp and the kids up for summer camp as well as D is signed up for swimming. I told him, you know X, I can pay for some of these things too. He explained he had recently received a bonus and didn't want to exchange cash so he would just rather pay for all these things. So he is making more money at his job and just covering more variable expenses so he doesn't have to give me money. Ugh.
He also asked me about my intent of putting D in daycare next fall. I explained that since S was going into high school and had soccer practice every day after school I needed someone to watch D. He asked me if I was taking on those expenses by myself because he wasn't paying half my daycare bill. I said technically X, you are responsible for 1/2 of it. He said he wouldn't pay it and if I was (again) going to be difficult, he would take me back to court and have the courts change it. I said if you feel the need to do that X, just go right ahead.
I am sure the judge won't look too fondly upon him refusing to pay and threatening me about it. The judge also won't like the fact X is hindering my communication and interaction with the kids if I disagree with him. He probably thinks he can have the judge make me send the kids to his place after school so OW can watch them. Over my dead body.
He also mentioned he didn't want a scene like what we went through with the Right of First Refusal. I said just so you know, you are still wrong about that. He said he wasn't and I ended the conversation.
I guess we will see who is right and who is wrong.
WH
wh,
Shouldn't your xh be communicating w/you and discussing these camps that he's signing the kids up for? Both of you should be splitting the costs for those camps down the middle. I know that you are willing to pay your share of expenses...but something isn't right about this scenario.
Maybe he thinks that if he pays for the camps, then you should be paying for the sitter, which could eat up a chunk of change next year.
I think you may want to document this discussion and keep it handy because I think you are going to be put in the hot seat over finances for the kids.
I still don't trust him one iota.
Hi Job
We enroll the kids in this summer camp every year as well as D's swim. So I knew those costs were coming. As far as S's soccer camp he called to make sure I hadn't paid it yet.
He has to pay me 10% of any monies he makes over his base pay. Last year's W2 shows he made over $10,000 in bonuses and overtime so he owes me 10% of that or $1000. Instead of paying me the $1000 he takes on more bills like soccer camp and various fees and cell phones. He doesn't want to "exchange cash". His cash flow is limited as we all know. He has been taking on a lot more variable items lately so I knew something was up. The last time we exchanged variable expenses he still ended up owing me $100 so that tells you something right there.
I already documented this conversation with the attorney. I'll mention it in court if I get the chance.
I am also mentioning to the judge how if X dangles the kids in front of me like a carrot for incentive to do what he wants me to do.
WH
PS I don't trust him either. And he can't come back at me for past expenses because we sign off every quarter.
WH
So I was successful in refinancing the marital credit card, but it will take 10 business days for the balance to transfer and for the marital card to be cancelled.
In the meantime, X is contacting me all the time, of course when his new wife isn't around. It can be for any excuse under the sun. Usually I don't answer unless it's something about the kids. But a lot of times, he makes it about the kids so I will feel compelled to answer.
His newest stunt is telling me D is having nightmares about my new guy killing everyone, me and her father included. I find this very hard to believe because she told me she can't wait to call my new guy dad. LOL. She adores the new guy and can't wait until we live there full time. I know X is trying to flip the switch on me. I only replied that D has also expressed concerns to me as well about his new wife. She told me OW scares her and yells at her all the time and that she is scared to talk when OW is around because OW makes her feel stupid.
Of course, D could be looking to get attention from her dad and me. I suggested to X that we get her in counseling so she can sort out her feelings. I bet he won't go for that.
WH
Another thought on the so called dreams...your xh could be projecting on to you what he's dreaming about himself.
Gosh, he's such a piece of work.
I'm glad things are starting to look better for you. You struggled for a long time and now that you are getting ahead, your xh, i.e., beret boy, can't stand it. But you know what? Too bad.
Live your life to the fullest and as long as you stay positive, good things will come to you and your children.
WH.... Your guys is the beret boy?! OMG... Too much.
I thought the same thing as job... Projection HIS nightmare!
On the other hand, could your d be pulling Disney show antics? Where the kids tries to break up the other r & try to get parents together?
Counseling is a good idea. Never hurts!
But your x is prob living his own nightmare, topped w you moving on.
Well X isn't staying away. Will he ever just leave me alone?
He sent me an email blasting me left and right. Saying that I am forcing the kids to move against their will, I am scarring them, D is afraid of New Guy, etc. I told him D told me she loves NG and I also told X I think someone in his household is telling D that NG is bad. I did tell him for the record that D told me she is scared of OW so I guess it goes both ways, huh?
He wanted to take S on one of my nights to a baseball game and I retorted why should I be flexible with you when you are far less than flexible with me? I called him on not letting the kids contact me when they are with him.
I think he is trying to either block my move, or establish precedent that this is not a good thing for the kids and not in their best interest and petition for full placement. Of course, that's the paranoia in me talking.
I know X can't get the info he is craving and he's foaming at the mouth and stomping like a child. He needs to just take a long walk off a short pier.
WH
You aren't going to get rid of your xh because you have children together. Even when the two of you are sitting in rocking chairs in a nursing home, he'll still be a thorn in your side. As I have mentioned before, an elderly lady told me many years ago that the only way you'll get rid of someone in crisis is when one of you are six feet under. The tie that binds you is frayed, but they can't let go no matter what.
Your xh is trying to make your life difficult because he sees that you are happy and have someone who is good and treats you like a queen. He's not happy that you are moving in w/the new man and he also sees that he doesn't have any control over you. He now knows that there is a good possibility that you may remarry at some point in time and he doesn't want that to happen. He wants you right where he left you and unfortunately, that isn't going to happen. He's going to pull out the stops and make life difficult for you by using the kids to get to you. Don't let him see you sweat!
Job, you nailed it!
Wh, unfortunately... She's right. That darn frayed tie. That's the part I'm gonna have to come to terms with.
You sound great. Keep going- and for sure, what job said, don't let him see ya sweat. 2b is a rockstar w that.
Today I received a Facebook friend request from my stepson whom I haven't spoken with in four years. He claims he wants me to friend request him so we can talk. I ain't buying it. When I searched on FB for his account, one popped up in a different name than what he messaged me with AND that account had no photos, no friends, no posts, no nothing. I think someone made a fake account trying to see what's going on in my new life.
Unfortunately I caught on to these middle school games before I was even in middle school. X must think I am dumber than dishwater.
WH
I had to shake my head. He's just going to continue to try different angles to get into your life. If the friend request was bogus, the person posting it to you should know better and should know that you are checking things out.
I hate to say it, but your xh is very jealous of you and your life. He's a very unhappy camper no matter how many times he says he is happy. Poor fool. They never think we will move on and once we do, it's too late.
You did the right thing....keep your eyes and ears open because he's not done yet.
Do you have stepson's phone number? If so, just CALL him so you can "talk". And if it wasn't him, you'll find out right away.
(P.S. you can always tell him you don't want to friend him on facebook because you don't want your photos and posts to end up being visible to your ex.)
Hey there
No, I don't have my SS phone number. Like I said, he and I haven't spoken in almost four years. I saw him when he was in town a few months ago for X's wedding. I highly doubt all of a sudden he would want to talk. Besides, he has my son's phone number so he could ask S if I would mind talking. S isn't even FB friends with his brother. I don't even think SS has a FB account.
Seriously how low can one go?
WH
They can and will go lower than you think.
So, how are you and the children doing?
Thanks Job.
The kids and I are doing fine. S is growing up so fast. He is so much like me in so many things he does. He tells me how X gets irritated with him because S is like me in so many ways.
D has been having thoughts about dying and is scared to grow up because she thinks she will die, or her family will die. I remember having those fears when I was her age. I just try and comfort her. It isn't easy though.
As far as me, I am doing well. Still whittling down debt. Doing a good job with it too if I say so myself. Totally happy in my relationship with NG and the kids absolutely love him. But I do have to admit after so many years of it being just me and the kids it is strange to be "a family" again. I got so independent. And NG wants us to be together. But I am used to doing my own thing. I am trying to find some middle ground because while I love my independence I can understand how he feels.
I think it may be time to look for another job. I am feeling fairly stagnant where I am and I am not too confident in the future of the company where I currently work. There aren't a lot of options though. I am waiting until after the move so I can concentrate on things more fully.
WH
WH,
You may want to start "brushing up" your resume. You don't want to wait and you move. If you start working on it now, it will be easier to make edits to it once you have relocated.
I'm sure your xh gets annoyed w/your son because he does remind him of you and that's got to be a thorn in his side. LOL! Also, your son is growing up and is now capable to questioning the things your xh says and does...a little bit harder to manipulate him now.
I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is having issues w/dying. Did someone die that she knows? Where did this come from? I'm sure it's a difficult issue to deal w/because she knows that when people die, the physical body is gone. I hope she can work through this and soon.
As for being independent...you can still be independent and have a balance w/the NG. Don't change YOU to please him. It's a two way street and both of you will need to make changes and adapt to each other's personalities and even more so once you move in together.
Since summer is right around the corner, what are your plans?
Thanks, Job
I already have my resume ready, just waiting on the right job to send it to. I updated it a few months ago.
I don't want to change me, it's just hard to get him to understand that I like doing things by myself once in a while. I think it will get easier as we are together more and we can do our own things. It's hard to find the right balance. I am used to doing everything alone and actually don't mind it. LOL.
I am not sure why D is scared of death. I know OW's mom died last year and he dragged the kids to the funeral. S gets it, but that was the first funeral D is old enough to remember. Not sure if it's sticking with her and now with the move things are coming out? Change might do that. I remember being scared of that at her age. Never wanting to leave my parents for fear I would never see them again.
This summer the kids are signed up for camp. D is in baseball, basketball and swimming while S is going to summer school to prep for high school. I can't believe he's going to be a freshman. Where does the time go?
For me, just working on moving in and getting settled, and planning some camping trips with the kids and without. NG and I are going to a rock festival later this summer just us two. Maybe a vacation if we can coordinate schedules.
WH
Couldn't help thinking about the raspberry beret yesterday
Saw my ex at my son's college graduation yesterday, with his (much younger) new wife. She's not an OW so I don't bear her any ill will. But some of the changes in my ex crack me up. He was wearing a lavender dress shirt (a color I NEVER EVER saw this masculine surfer dude wear) and had to run to the bathroom because of the coffee he drank that morning.
Now, in 26 years together, I never - EVER - not once! saw him drink a cup of coffee. And since he has bad irritable bowel syndrome, it seems like a...umm...explosive combination???
Keeping up with the cool kids, I guess you have to pay a price. maybe he feels the same way when he pictures me playing drums in my punk rock band??
LOL That's hilarious KML.
X is not so much trying to look younger, he just has his idiot OW dressing him now. When I picked up the kids the other day he answered the door wearing shorts and black dress socks and sandals. Ugh. I am thinking more and more he is less having an MLC and more just losing his friggin marbles.
I had D with me for Memorial Day to watch S march in the parade and she wanted to see her daddy, so I near him and OW. X I know how to handle. OW just drives me up the wall. She talks to me like we are best friends. But then again, I think she talks like that to anyone who is within earshot and can't get away. But I witnessed some interesting interaction between X and OW. OW saw a great dane on the other side of the street and got out of her chair to cross the street to see it. X told her "sit down and don't worry about the dam dog". She said "shut up I want to see that dog". She started to cross the road and X called out "make sure you get hit by a car when you're crossing the road". Now that's love.
Made me realize that my life is pretty awesome. And I don't have to deal with that crap ever again! He's actually been somewhat decent to me lately. He must want something. He did mention to me that work is pressuring him to go back to school to get his degree and he will need my help. We will see how that works out.
WH
He did mention to me that work is pressuring him to go back to school to get his degree and he will need my help. We will see how that works out.
hahahahahahah
wishing,
How in the world are you suppose to help him if he has to go back to school? As I recall, he fired you as his wife, companion and lover. Wouldn't the help need to come from his current love bug? He's forgetting...you've moved on and yep, divorced. I think the beret is a bit tight on his head these days and he can't accept the fact that the divorce changes things. Poor man.