I have had an amazing week or so with the girls.
My older D had a birthday and is now 6. We had a family party over labor day weekend and then a friend bday party in Bklyn on Wednesday. Both were fantastic. She is blossoming and is just amazing.
Today was the first day of first grade for D6 and first day of pre K for D4. It was amazing.
I am so grateful to be the new me when I experience these moments with my kids cause I feel like I really enjoy them and so much more present then I used to be.
I just feel the need to turn over to these boards that it was a bit lonely doing these moments without a partner. Also knowing he is in Mexico and didn't call for either birthday or 1st day of school. Not even an email.
D6 didn't "notice" his absence, since she is used to seeing him only every other weekend.
He is a fool
I'm sorry it was a lonely feeling today. There are so many experiences that are not as we imagined they would be. That's a hard one for me, too.
Your D's are such young ones, babies....it sounds like you're doing such a great job keeping things normal, and your sense of gratitude is undoubtably being passed on to them.
I'm glad your D6 didn't seem to notice his absence. The not calling, no email or anything...is pretty rotten. It sounds like the birthday parties may have served as good distractions for them, though.
Congratulations on a such wonderful milestones, Mama!
Happy belated birthday to your daughter. I'm sure she had a wonderful day w/family and then visiting w/her friend. She's in first grade and will have many things to talk about when she arrives home each evening. Your xh is a fool. I'm sorry he didn't call her on her special day or her first day of school. He'll regret it one day.
BK,
How exciting about your girls!!!! What a wonderful time for you and them and I hope she had a fantastic birthday.
I'm happy to hear you are doing so well. The moments are so special and cannot be replaced. Your xh is missing do much. Such a shame for him. Job is right. He will regret that somewhere down the road and it's his loss. What a loss it is.
Take care of yourself:-) Keep living a good life.
Bk. I will echo that the girls dad is a fool. The start of school is such an exciting time of year. New teachers new friends new experiences. Glad you are in a place where you can savor every moment.
(((BK)))
I hate to give my XH any kudos, but I do have to say he is involved in the kids' lives. At least for the moment. That must be so painful for your girls. I am so sorry.
Hang in there.
WH
Hey, BK...our lives seem to continue to reflect like a mirror. No card from Smokey on D12's B'day last Sunday. She received the first communication from him in four months...a Happy B'day text. So sad...I feel the heavy heart of a mother seeing her kid mistreated and a bit of the relief that comes from knowing he is in no shape to parent her the way she deserves. IDK. Painful and sad.
But...I'm OK!! And, the girls are too...sad about the move, but they are going to thrive in this new life. If Brooklyn is Happy, her girls will be happy...They have the most important piece to the equation.
Thanks for the warm wishes.
Get ready for a rant.
Ex just came to pick up the girls. I can't look at him. He was late as per usual. Also he asked for a Saturday pick up instead of Friday night cause he was still getting back from Mexico. Its pathetic he sees the girls 4 days a month and he can't coordinate his vacations around picking them up at the right time.
I gave him some mail. He apologized for one type of mail still coming to my apartment. I said its really not a big deal and I got a dirty look.
By the way he didn't bring my support check. What day of the month is this.
Also in his email last night regarding pick up time he asked me how the first few days of school are going. I felt like I needed to provide the Cliff Notes for him instead of him showing up. I give him a summary so he could appear to the kids like he knew the names of kids and teachers.
I HATE THE SIGHT AND THE SOUND OF HIM.
I hate the notion these days of everything having 2 fair and equal sides. Sometimes there is a right side and sometimes their is a wrong side. Take Hitler and Germany in WW2, they were evil - end of story. My ex is an evil prick - end of story.
Off to have a great weekend and much needed break from the kiddos
I had a lovely relaxing weekend with no kids. Really organized the girls room for the school year which is nice.
But…
When girls came home tonight I had a major mental back slide.
They told me D6 had a birthday party with ex, his gf, his sister and family and his best friend and family. I started spinning.
Starting asking if the cake was as good as the cake I made? If the party was as fun as the parties I had for her?
The girls asked why I couldn't come to the party and I said cause Daddy doesn't want me there.
I wanted to also tell them that daddy and Jess are A$$holes.
I hate that my D6 had a birthday that I wasn't included in and his family etc can be around Jess and act like this is all peachy. I hate that people that divorce is fine.
I hate that my kids don't seem to mind this.
I hate this.
My ex told me at the beginning how great it would be to coparent. Then after my younger ones 3rd bday last year has decided we should have separate parties cause that makes him more comfortable. I HATE HIM
((((Bklyn)))
I'm feeling your frustrations! I want to tell my kids about OW, but we all know we can't tell our children these truths.
Your D loves what you do for her. Don't feel like its a competition with your ex. What truly matters is your D happiness. Be happy for her and her experience. Our WAS took important events from us, but you can celebrate with your D without having to deal w/h and his craziness.
Hang in there!
Hey guys
I got over my previous upset ness but still not quite at 100% PMA. Appt with my therapist tomorrow so that should help.
Okay job - here is my housing issue. I rent a very expensive 2 bedroom apt - it's basically the top 2 floors of a 3 story house in a expensive and awesome neighborhood.
This is where I want to raise my kids.
My landlord (she is prob asbergers) is gifting the house to her alma mata UC Berkeley in July 2016. There is some significance to her turning 71 then.
She is going to gift to them because she does not want to pay capital gains on the sale.
She thinks that because Berkeley will not actually want the house just the money from the sale of the house that she will can assure me that I will be able to buy the house immediately from Berkeley at the price it's appraised for. She is a pretty hard core negotiator so I am confident she will tell Berkeley she won't give them the house unless they sell it to me for the appraisal value.
It's the appraised value that my landlord uses for her tax deduction on the gift.
Here is the problem. The house is in state of disrepair and literally fallen and leaking down around me.
My landlord who lives in dc comes by every few months with duct tape and wood glue to fix stuff. Needless to say within a month the problem reappears.
Currently the over light in my bedroom does not turn on, I have significant leakage in the kitchen sink and the upstairs bathroom, also two gaps the floor boards in the living room.
I don't necessarily mind spending my own money to make these repairs so that I can live In a decent environment. I just don't want to raise the value of the house by making any repairs. I want to get it for as cheep as possible in 2 years.
Does this make sense?
BK,
Glad you are feeling better. Park Slope, right? I have a couple of friends that live there and I understand why you want to stay. Very family friendly....and expensive.
I understand the sitch and don't really have any suggestions. It sounds *fair* although there are some unknowns. What if the owner dies before 2016? I know that is a very expensive, haute market but I don't think you should have to fix everything yourself. Leaks can become a big deal at some point.
If you are sure you want to stay in that apartment, then perhaps something could be put in writing. Don't have a clue as to how that would work. Just an idea.
Yes be careful. That could quickly become a money pit. Be careful. This could be a shady deal if you aren't careful.
WH
I am in park slope. I love it. So many kids and activities. The park nearby. My kids school is 2 blocks away.
But this house. Omg it's more of shack then Archie bunker lived in. It's bad. I would say half my friends in the neighborhood live in comparable bad apartments so we all kind of laugh about our not so glamorous life in our over prices shacks.
Yeah getting her to put it in writing would be a good idea. I may put that in my next email to her.
I just don't know how much longer I can take living with these pots under my sinks. It's just gets messy. The pot in the bathroom fills up within 2 days.
What I usually do is a pay someone to fix these things and then she "repays" me but at her own rate versus what I actually paid. Right now though I am feeling like I don't want to put a dime into this place cause it could raise the appraisal price. I wAnt the appraiser to see this place for the dump it is
I am Also trying to save every penny for the down payment in will need to have in a few years
There is no guarantee that this woman is going to be around in 2016 or her mental facilities will still be good. If the house continues to go down hill, when it comes to purchase the home, you may not be able to get a loan for it because of all the issues. How old is the house? What is the condition of the rest of the house that you aren't renting? What's to say that there isn't lead paint under the current layers of paint, iron pipes, the plumbing may need to be brought up to code, electrical wiring will probably need to be brought up to code, and is there a possibility of asbestos in the home, what's the condition of the outside of the home? These are all considerations that you will need to take into account if this is something you truly want and all of them are big ticket money items. Are you going to be willing to take all of this on?
I would draft up a letter w/what needs to be repaired and send it to her certified mail/return receipt. I would state that the repairs need to be done and if she can't oversee them, then you would be more than willing to have someone come in and pay for them, with the understanding that the amount would be deducted from that month's rent. No one should have to live like that. It's not healthy for you or your children. As for the light not working, it could be a cause for concern, i.e., frayed wiring, switch issue, mouse nibble on the wires or water has been dripping and shorted it out...but no matter what, it's something that needs to be fixed.
Have the gaps in the floor boards been there forever or just happened?
Sorry to ramble on, but you have some issues that duct tape and wood glue aren't going to fix. She needs to cough up some money and have these things repaired asap.
Job is correct. No bank is going to give out a loan for a place that isn't up to code. The bank will send out inspectors and they go over those places with a fine tooth comb and the bank won't approve financing unless the place is brought up to code. At least that is how it works in my state. And once you find an issue, often another issue is discovered. And even if you have an estimate of how much it will cost to make repairs, it is never enough. Repairs often go over budget or more issues are discovered.
We are just concerned for you and your girls' safety.
(((BK)))
WH
And another thought...maybe the landlord is making this "promise" to you as a way of making sure you don't leave and she gets rent from you for another two years or as a way of making sure you don't complain about the state of disrepair or maybe even getting you to make these repairs. If she is as shrewd as you said she is maybe she is trying to take advantage of your situation. I don't know, but once bitten, twice shy.
Just be careful.
WH,
I was thinking the same thing about the promise, hoping against hope, that she will remain there and not complain too much about the problems.
Brook, you could have an attorney look at the lease and make suggestions on revising it so the Major Repairs are handled before you purchase. Sounds like your landlady is "cake eating" :-)
It just seems to me that by just fixing major issues with duct tape and wood glue she doesn't want to put any money into the place. It sounds like there are major plumbing and roof problems, along with potential electrical issues. Sounds like a major safety issue to me.
And the fact that she repays you "at her own rate" versus what you actually paid out of pocket? Sorry, but that's a major red flag.
I think she is neglecting the building and she could get into serious trouble for some of these issues. If someone trips and falls over those floor boards and gets injured, there could be liability involved I am guessing. If you switch on a light or plug something into an outlet and there are constant water leaks around (which lets not kid ourselves, water can get anywhere) there is a risk of electrocution. And a leak that fills up a pot in two days? Where is that water coming from? Condensation? Leaky roof? Leaky pipes? Ugh.
Maybe you should look into getting an inspection yourself.
WH
My landlady is really insane. She is also a non practicing attorney. She is very litigious and has won several suits against the city of New York regarding her landlord property rights.
She won't put a dime into the place regardless of whether she is selling it or not she is just a super cheap person.
At her other place near by they had a raccoon that kept breaking into the crawl space. She built a trap and caught the raccoon and released it 6 miles away. The raccoon came back and she again trapped it - this time she brought the raccoon to Staten Island. She hasn't seen it since but she keeps a blown up picture of the guy on her refridgerator.
My shack/house is worth at least a million dollars and she has another property in the neighborhood plus her place in dc that has tenants. She is also a published author on woman's rights issues. She is not hurting for money but I think the über frugalness is part of her asperbergs.
It's also weird that she is gifting all these properties to her Alma mata versus keeping the money but again she is odd.
She is not scamming me regarding selling to me in two years. She is crazy but very blunt and not a liar. She has other issues.
As long as she is not dead I am confident she will help me buy the place from Berkley.
I will email her about the repairs and she will do a shoddy repair job as usual. I guess my question was is it worth it for me to spend some of my own money on the repairs knowing that I will be buying the place or will that increase the appraised value of this shack too much.
Brook, I happen to have lots of experience with Asperger's!!
When you contact her, be SPECIFIC...sometimes D12 isn't being a jerk, she just doesn't understand what others are asking of her because she is sooooooo much more literal than the rest of the world.
One time, I was teaching her about Rome and the expression "All roads lead to Rome" came up...she argued with me for 45 minutes because that's just not true. You can't follow our road in Ohio to Rome.
Be specific, ask for what you need...she actually may respond more easily and more willingly because she isn't being forced to read unrecognizable social games/cues. Just ask for what you want. See what happens.
Wow...that is crazy. I have no words except good luck!
WH
A question that I should have asked earlier today...do you have a signed/dated lease w/this landlord? If you do, what does the lease say about repairs to the apartment? That is where I would go first. If she's a non practicing lawyer, she should have put something in writing about the rent, what she expects of you as a renter, etc. Check that first.
Well, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't put not one dime on the place unless the papers are already drawn up which stipulates what she wants done in 2015/2016. The papers would need to be signed, dated and notarized long before I would put one dime of my hard earned money into the place.
Just fixing up the plumbing and lighting, would not raise the property value, but are you willing to open the can of worms with a plumber and electrician? What are you going to do if they come back with huge estimates that would require doing other work on the space you aren't renting? Are you willing to take that on?
When you email her, you'll never to be very specific, as Heather pointed out, and you may even want to recommend someone to do the work.
Brook, I would seriously consider thinking about moving if you don't see anything in writing. Yes, she's old and you know what, things can and will change in the next year or so. BTW, does she have family? I would also question her thinking that if she gifts the residence to her alma mater, she may not actually have any legal say in the matter once she gifts it. To me, it would make more sense to sell it to you now and then invest the money she receives from you. But, I think what she's doing is using the gifting as a "tax write" off and this is a good way to do it and she won't have to claim the money she would get from the sale. The house may have been worth quite a lot of money in it's early days, but if it's as run down as you say, it may not be worth that amount today and as I stated earlier, do you have the money to fix up this run down place? It may have more problems than you think and then you will be stuck with place that you can't sell later on.
You need to seriously think about this because all I'm seeing are dollar signs in my line of sight and you need to lock that checkbook up.
I'm sorry that I'm not more encouraging, but this sounds like a money pit and unless you've hit the lottery, I don't think you have the kind of money that will put this home back in it's glory days. Again, it's just my personal opinion.
Heather you are so right on about being specific her. She thrives on that. When I send her a one sentence email she sends back 2 pages of information.
She has no family. She has written me emails about what happened to each aunt.
Job if you only knew how crazy real estate was in my hood. You have no idea. This house does not have good bones at all. Only a good location.
Check out park slope bklyn on the nytimes real estate section. The bubble never popped here.
I would do a small Reno when I buy the place. I would continue to rent the downstairs apartment which has a small garden. I have a very close to the amt needed for a down payment. I have been saving for years (like 15) and the rental income will make the mortgage possible
Actually my obsession with saving and investment was one of our marriage issueS. He was and is a spender.
Brook,
I think your plan sounds great. But, I still think you should push to have the current owner handle some of these repairs. Waht about hiring a home inspector, your cost, and have them make a list of what needs done. At least, then, you will have a clear idea of what you are getting into. And, maybe, you can get some clarity on what to do next.
I mean, if you find out that the foundation is need of some major repair...it doesn't seem fair to have to handle that without at least asking for some help from crazy landlady.
Whatever you decide, just make sure your codependency isn't making the decisions.
I Hate him I hate him I Hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him.
Why does he make me want to cry? Why does he make me cry? I hate him I hate him I hate him
When will I be over this a$$hole
I hate him I hate him I hate him
What happened?
Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.
I'm coming to NY Brook!!
I hope you are ok Brook. I'm thinking about you. :-)
Hey Brooklyn,
Hope you are OK. We're all worried about you after that last post. Let us, your friends on the LBS train with you, know what's up and how we can help!
Hang in there!
Hoping you're ok. ((((hugs))))
Nothing really happened. Sorry for the alarm.
Just some arrogant and annoying email. Sometimes its the little things.
Its such a struggle to move on. So hurtful.
But all is great here. The girls are more amazing then ever.
Sorry to hear that, BK. It's difficult to move on the way you *may* move on if you have kids. It's extra people in the equation. I'm not saying one is more difficult than the other (everyone's pain is their own)although you have other people's best interests, thoughts, feelings and schedules to take into consideration. It's s challenge and I'm sorry your xh is being difficult.
Can I ask you a question? I know your x will send emails playing the victim. How is he when you have to interact in person??
Oh, Brook! I feel ya! I noticed at work the other day I had traced "I hate you" on an index card over and over. It was so deep and dark. Geesh! I don't always feel that way, but it is there... they know how to bring that out, huh?
It was a moment of... hmmmmm.... what's a good word here....
rage
frustration
resentment
confusion
disgust
insight (???)
sadness
purging
muscle flexing
therapy
song writing
poetry
.... well, BK, whatever it was... it was a moment that passed and the feeling was fleeting... (momentarily?) I feel ya! I am glad you are doing well. Let it out when you need to. It is better than keeping it in.
Thank you all so much for your speedy replies and internet hugs. I am so grateful for my friends here.
Yes Mighty - exactly!!! all those things. All of them.
I know I still have so much resentment.
I also wonder what type of person would ever inflict this much pain.
It is usually awkward and weird when I see my ex. I don't like how I feel when I am near him. I feel like I standing next to my abuser. I don't feel like me.
I trusted this man completely and did not see this coming at all. He has beat me up over the past 3 years blaming it all on me while he develops a new relationship.
I feel like I have been violated and he is the perpetrator.
I need to move past that eventually.
Think I will stay up a little longer then snuggle up with my little girl who fell asleep in my bed. Lucky me
Just got this email from exH. Its so banal and boring yet it irks me so much.
""just thinking about the holidays....
halloween is on my weekend. would you prefer spending halloween night with them and i pick them up saturday?
last year the girls were with me for thanksgiving? whatever you wanna do this year. ( i don't have plans yet with my family)
my family is gathering in lowell on dec13 (which falls on one of my weekends)
and last year the girls were with you xmas eve and morning. so, that switches this year. i could pick them up either friday night the 19th or sat the 20th and bring them to you xmas day. that way they with each of us half the xmas break. i am planning on visiting jess' family after that.
please let me know what you think""
I wonder what I am doing wrong that I still hate him so much and each stupid email from him makes me emotional.
I see people on these boards who have recovered and let go. Why do I still dream and hold on? Why does it hurt? It still believe somewhere inside that I did something wrong to deserve this... my divorced life. I don't like "sharing" Christmas.
Thanks for being here everyone. I know how lucky I am to have found you guys and how lucky I am to have my girls 90% of the time.
Really, I am well. I just want to get to the point where his email don't even phase me
Bklyn,
I'm sorry you're having a tough day.
It hurts because it's not what you wanted. You loved your old life. I get you. I'm there, too. The key is to create a great holiday with what you have, and do things that fill your heart and make YOU happy. Regardless of him, you choose to be happy.
You did NOT deserve this. None of us did. It wasn't because you did anything wrong. It's not about you, remember that.
I think the answer to stop the hurting lies in part, in forgiveness. It's hard to forgive those who hurt us, and continue to hurt us. But it is absolutely necessary for your own freedom. It's not for him. It's for YOU.
Another part is remembering what is often repeated here, which is understanding that his choices are not within your control. His choices were incredibly hurtful, no disputing that. But what you can control are your reactions.
What can you do for yourself to keep from sliding into self-blame and despair? The words you wrote are familiar...I speak that language, too. I'm learning to remember my own worth. It's not a smooth process....I'm falling all over the place as I learn! But, even though I'm not where I want to be, I am catching the behaviors I have that keep me stuck.
Why are you holding onto the anger? I think part of it lies in your own words.."..I still believe that somewhere inside that I did something wrong to deserve this". <<<<< nope.
Please remember, the seeds for his crisis were planted long before you were even together. This was going to happen whether you were there or not. You didn't break him.
The holiday stuff is tough. I cried my first one without the kids. There was drama and tears, kids calling me having a terrible time...the good news? It gets better. It for sure will get better.
Hang in there, Bklyn. (((((Hugs)))))
Hang in there, Brook. You are strong and amazing and you do NOT deserve this! Not one bit!
Happy, almost, TGIF! Enjoy your 90%.... oh, wait! Enjoy your 10%, too!!!
Thanks might and shining.
Right after my post I found out that the ow got a job in my office building. We will overlap working there 2 months.
Now I may see her in the halls at work.
Now work will not be safe.
What if my friends that are working with her like her. And she steals them too.
I all of a sudden feel like I did 3 yrs ago.
I wouldn't wish this pain on my worth enemy.
Oh No! Brook.... I am so sorry. That is terrible! I can't imagine. OK, first... she will not steal you friends. They are not in crisis! And if they were able to be "stolen" then they aren't you friends! Your FRIENDS will stick with you. Don't worry about that. She is the one who has every reason to be insecure. You are amazing. You are strong. You are beautiful. She can't break you. She is weak and low-class. Keep your head high and your shoulders back. She can't touch you. She is in your world. Own it. Think about what these last three years have done- made you THAT much stronger. Not her. Nope. She can't hold a candle to you. Don't let her in your headspace, right, uR?! She got nuttin. You, my girl, have it all.
I'm sorry you're hurting Brook.
((((((((Hugs))))))))))))
Ya know we got your back. How do we get her fired?
Haha....Heather....
Bklyn, unbelievable..... You'll need a HUGE PATIENCE SHOVEL.
..... To be used as you wish.
I'm sorry, BK. The world is such a small place sometimes. You are a wonderful lady and a great mom!
Remember that.
How big is your office? Is there any way to avoid crossing paths?
I may never see her but the anxiety that I might feels Terrible.
I feel like the bomb all over again.
I can't sleep.
I feel like work people will except her as human and to me she is a sub human.
I already have to share my children with this monster and except that. This is torture.
Why is this happening again
I wrote the post above in the middle of the night last night.
Just woke up and feel better.
Thanks
Haha....Heather....
Bklyn, unbelievable..... You'll need a HUGE PATIENCE SHOVEL.
..... To be used as you wish.
Oh dear, I really would like to slap her I'm the face flat side first!
Does that fix it bk?
I have a tank stand so when your finished slapping her, can burry her under it!
Hey Bklyn,
I feel like this is another one from the 'you just wouldn't believe it' files.
I also think it's part of the deal for a lot of mlc-ers and their OWs.
They seem to need to show themselves to us as a way of making it seem like 'everything is normal' - that what they have done is OK and right.
In my case, my local supermarket (where I did all my day-to-day shopping) was taken over by OW (who had NEVER shopped there before), as was my local coffee place (again, she'd never been there before).
Luckily, I had the option of just going elsewhere. But then she started showing up at my new supermarket ... but that's another story.
What i think is going on is that they WANT us to see them. In my case, to provoke confrontation, so that they can confirm what a bi-ch we really are.
They need this confirmation.
I fed into this for a while... but, now, I just feel sorry for both XH and OW. What a sad pair of truly inadequate human beings they are.
Could it help at all if you took on this mind-set?
How awful that she is doing what she is doing. How weird that she is not ashamed of herself. What sort of person would do what she has done?
Just try to think of her as the damaged goods that she is. If you run across her, feel pity.
Either she knows what she has done and how wrong it is... or she simply has no clue whatsoever. Either way, this is pretty sad state to live one's life in.
Thank you all so much for posting.
I feel sooo much better today. WHich only goes to show I am actually doing something right. When this latest news happened I posted all my rage here and since then I have gone to an Alanon meeting and read my Alanon literature and voila I am feeling sane again only 36 hours later.
Im really am the type of emotional person that needs to rage and needs to allow myself to go through the rage before I can heal. I stuffed my anger for so long and it came out in other less healthy ways. So now you guys are the lucky ones that get to read my tirades.
Yes exactly NLW - I need to see her as the damaged goods she is and you are right they (her and my ex) are just begging for me to prove to the world how justified their behavior is because I am such a B!tch. Well they aint gonna get it.
Its so strange how they really do want to provoke.
La di da - I got all the good stuff. SHe got my leftovers and they aint good leftovers.
Thank you all so so so so so so much. For all your love and your evil thoughts about her. Thank you thank you thank you.
Guys I am feeling really down again.
Kids came home from a weekend with ex and his gf and I lost in front of my kids. D6 was saying how Jess did her braid then saying they all had a pillow fight. Next time they go over my girls and Jess are gonna bake a cake for Jess' mothers birthday. Wtf!! I can't handle this
I know this normal but I can't handle this even with db and alanon. I want them to die. I hate them. My heart is broken and I hate them.
I wish I could do better and be stronger and move on. Other families do this and it's all honky dory.
This hooker has invaded every aspect of my life and she acts like she is so nice. That is a joke. I just wish the world knew it. Instead I can't say anything or else I look bad. I wish them the worst pain in the world. I do not forgive them. I hate them
Brook,
What do you want your life to look like?
I know the Ho is a reality for now...but remove her from your mind...just for a bit and envision the home of your dreams where she can't touch you or hurt you and the girls ever again. What does YOUR life look like in this scenario?
Brook, I am so sorry you are down. I can't imagine sending my kids off like that. I am lucky enough that they are older and can make that choice. But it is a double-edged sword, because they are older so they get what is going on.
That must be tough, and my thoughts are with you. I can tell you that your girls hold you way higher above her. She is no competition. She has to work to try to win them over. It will get old for her. She has to put in the effort now, just like they do to get their claws into our husbands. But, their true colors will show eventually with everyone.
I understand how you feel about wanting everyone to know how awful they are. I felt a lot of that. You know, Brook. I think a lot of the time, people know, but don't say. It's not like they have this fairy tale to tell. It's all wrong.
I am also thinking about you with the work sitch. It reminds me of how I felt knowing xh and hww bought a house nearby. I refuse to drive by there. The street is two blocks from my house, on the same street as kids school. I get a sick feeling every time I go there. I was so worried about going to the store with fear I would see them. It felt like terrorism. I know that is such an invasion for her to enter your space like that... again. I'm sorry. It will get easier, and you will find more confidence there. You own it. She can't own you. She will never hold a candle to you. She is broken, insecure, confused, selfish. You are so above her. I mean, like so totally above. Don't let her get to ya, Brook. I know it's hard.
I am thinking of you.
I'm so sorry Brook. That is so unacceptable and wrong. I wept when I read what's happened to you. You need someone to hold you now. A friend, a family member, it will get better, but for now, have someone close and just let it out. Hating them is only going to make it worse for you. I'm so so sorry.
Know there are people who know what you are feeling. The pain. The agony. The intense feeling of injustice watching your family be torn apart in front of you. I feel this everyday.
When you have a clear moment, google jimmy evans on forgiveness. It will help life the burden you are carrying.
Mighty and Heather, as usual thank you so much.
Fundad, thank you for your sympathy it means so much to me, to hear someone tell me that what I am going through does actually hurt. That I shouldn't buck up and deny the pain.
Heather - I want my life to look exactly as it does today but without this woman. I am happy that I am not with my ex but the thought of my children spending family like time with someone else is sicking.
Obviously that is a fantasy and I can't change it. She is in their lives. I just try to get through it. Nothing I can do about it.
I feel much much better today
I went even deeper down after that post.
Found out my bff, she was my only brides maid at my wedding is leaving her husband. She lives out of state and she has talked about their issues but I was in shock.
But I needed to listen to her and be her friend and help support her, even though I don't think she should leave.
After that conversation I was more depressed, but after a night without sleep - the next day I felt so strong and good about myself.
I still really good and strong. Fingers crossed it lasts.
Looking forward to a wonderful fall weekend with my kiddos
Hey Brook. It's a roller coaster for sure. How ironic your BFF is wanting to leave her husband. That's going to be a tough one.
Did you look up the jimmy evens vid? It's good I promise.
Fun dad - I totally love the jimmy Evans videos. I have been watching a lot of them. Thanks for suggesting it
I have been really have a great week or so. I feel blessed and happy and lucky for all I have.
Recent issue came up which I basically consider a mistake and I am trying not to make it a big deal.
Ex emailed me the other day checking d6 social sec number cause his taxes weren't being excepted electronically. I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to claim d6 on my taxes. I guess we each claim 1 kid. I didn't even know that was a thing. So I sent an email apologizing that I had claimed her already and that next year he could claim both girls.
I am trying not to be hard on myself for making an error and also trying not to be mad at my father/lawyer for not going over that with me.
But whatever it was a error and I have offered a reasonable solution.
Mistakes happen... So goes life
A bigger mistake would be to beat myself up for not being perfect
Oops, that is soooo awful,
LT says with an evil grin:)
Brook,
These things happen. And it was very generous of you to give up both as dependents next year. Had I known xh was going to have another, I may have reconsidered, since they have 2 dependents in their house now. Friggers.
No sweat, Brook. He can't be mad at ya. You tried to correct it. Shows your honesty and sincerity.
Hopefully he will understand... just for the sake of not having to deal with it.
Hope you are well.
Thanks guys
Learning to forgive myself sometimes is the hardest
You and I both need to learn how to take it easy on ourselves. I think when you're married to an abusive d-bag...I think the wearing away of our self-esteem is just as insidious as the disease of alcoholism...just as cunning and baffling.
I think it's going to take some time to reverse the damage done. Be kind to yourself Brook. You are amazing :-)
Just thought it was time for an update to my thread, not only so you guys know whats going on but because having this journal of this time has been so helpful to my healing.
I have never gone back and read all my threads but I do scan a thread or two from time to to time and I see such a change in myself. I also feel the love from you guys in every response again. Those replies and knowing I am not alone is so so huge.
Life is good. Girls and I enjoying a great fall. With Halloween and school and playdates and activities.
I still have not dated and am in no rush to do so. It would be nice to have a fellow on the side but I don't want a boyfriend. I really don't want to incorporate anyone into the great life my children and I have on our own.
My parents and my sister continue to be wonderful. My mom does 90% of the babysitting and is like a second mom to my girls when I work long hours. We are planning a trip to Disney this January, its gonna be awesome.
ExH continues to flail about.
Over Christmas break he should get the girls for a couple extra days and also one of his weekends falls over that time (the 27th & 28th) according to our divorce contract. But instead he just taking the girls over night Christmas eve then he brings the girls home to me and then he takes off for vacation until January 2nd.
Its really heartbreaking - how he has made himself so unavailable to them. Its been over 3 years of him running away from them.
When he told me about his vacation via email. I thought about it and I wrote back. "Just to confirm you are giving up your weekend with the girls as well as your vacation time with them as allowed for in our settlement. You are missing out on great ages"
I was really glad I wrote back. In my situation I have allowed him to walk all over me and I've allowed him to not take any responsibility for his actions. I have been so afraid that he would call me a b$tch that I have been frozen with fear.
I am happy to have the girls for 95% of the Christmas break but I want to at least speak out as to what he is doing.
Also this weekend d6 had a birthday party she wanted to go to. It was a pajama party in our neighborhood from 6p - 9p. ExH said no. Now that he has moved 40 mins away, bring D6 to a party like this becomes a pain especially since D4 will be going to bed at that time.
It was sad for me that she could not go cause I see this as just one of many things she will miss out on cause of the our sitch and cause he choose to move 40 mins away.
It is also what I predicted would happen when he moved.
Since he moved he has not been to the kids school. Not once. Breaks my heart that he is such a half a$$ dad.
Also just cause I need to record it somewhere - exH clothes continue to get more teenage even as he gets older.
Life is great
Brook,
I'm so proud of you for speaking up to him about the Christmas break. What a d-bag.
You spoke the truth. And, you spoke it for your girls. AND, you didn't resort to snippy remarks or resentment to make your point.
You're an amazing lady. :-)
Brook, Heather is right. You are an amazing lady. You are so graceful and smart. You carry yourself with such dignity. I really admire that. It is something I struggle with.
I am glad you said something to your x about your kids, too. I am sure you didn't get a response to that. For me, I think it is perfectly fine to throw those comments out there once in awhile. They have this idea that what they are doing is fine, because if their selfish mentality. But sometimes throwing that in there may give them a second look. It does not change their mentality or behavior, but I think it is good for them to get checked for their behavior.
I know all about not wanting to say anything to look like a b, too. They have this amazing ability to twist and turn everything to make it about us. Well, silence is golden, and that rationed truth dart holds more power. Good for you.
I am glad you will have the opportunity to spend more time with your kids for the holidays. You are right, and he will never get this time back. But think of all the amazing memories you can make with your kids. They feel so safe and happy with you, Brook. They will forever remember that.
My dad wasn't always around when I was a kid. My mom did amazing things with us. She always made the holidays so special. I have wonderful memories and get all warm and fuzzy inside during those times. I don't look back with anger/resentment, or anything like that. I have great happy memories with my family, even if my dad wasn't there. (I have an amazing r with him now, btw) I am sharing this because I don't want you to worry about that with your girls. I am sure you find them happy and content with you. That is great, and that is all they will think about and remember- the happiness. Give them that and enjoy it. It is his loss...
Just need to journal:
Some amazing news - My sister in law whose cancer diagnosis sparked my exH mid-life crisis just had a clean 2yr scan, the doctors said REMISSION!! Her cancer survival is truly a miracle as I have mentioned here before.
My exH told me about this good news. I can not get over that he told me. He literally tells me nothing and if he does need to communicate with me its via email not in person.
This is amazing news! I'm so happy to hear that she's in remission.
Wonders never cease, but it's evident that your xh was very happy about the good news and he wanted to share it w/you.
Miracles happen every day, but it's news like this that makes them even more special.
Bklyn - You are dealing with a lot but remember you are the mother of his children. That's a huge distinction no matter what the future holds. It puts you on a totally different level from any other woman. Always will.
I remember when my girls were young like your babies. Life was so exciting every day. I bet they are going to go crazy now that it is December. Holiday decorations everywhere and hoping for snow. My girls still go kind of nutty for snow but we live in the south so it is a BIG deal.
Glad you are feeling better. Hang in there and know you have plenty of people here ready to listen or offer a little sympathy.
ex wants to bring the girls to his house next weekend and drop them off with the HWW.
How would it be possible for me to hand my kids off to this hooker and not punch her in the face
Bklyn,
You can do this even though it seems impossible. You are their mother and that is a fact. You are in this for the long haul and the more you are able to detach and rise above the better you'll look to everyone and the more powerful you will feel. A punch in the nose will only make you feel good for a minute but living well is the best revenge. Besides if you break her nose she'll probably get plastic surgery and say it was needed to fix the damage you caused!
I am so sorry this is happening. Try to see the bigger picture and know that your girls will see it too when they are older. Do you have something fun planned while they are with H? Definitely GAL. I am envious you live in NY. Always something going on and right now distractions are a good thing.
[[[Hugs]]]
Bklyn,
So sorry... no advice - I've not been good at this part at all. But I know exactly how you feel.
Maybe some advice - I wouldn't subject myself to this. Is there anything you can think of to avoid having to see the B?
I do think I can physically drop off my kids with her.
What if I say "why don't you text me when you are leaving work and I will leave our house at the same "
What do you think
What's wrong with just telling him, "sorry, I don't think I can drop them off with the hww without punching her in the face. I suggest we make some alternate arrangement."
I'd punch the b!tch.
BTW... maybe I shouldn't comment on this type of stuff, bc obviously.... I'd punch the ....
OK, I'd just say nope. Not gonna happen.
They are your kids. You do not have to leave them with her. I wouldn't do it, and there is nothing on earth that would make me feel otherwise.
No is a complete sentence. You do not need to explain yourself.
Would you choose her as a child minder? I think not!!
Brook,
You don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with anymore.
Knowing your Ex, I could see him making this arrangement simply to rattle you.
YOU are the mom. If YOU are uncomfortable with this arrangement, have HIM make a different plan to ACCOMMODATE YOU. Tell, simply, I'm sorry but NO. Let me know when you will be picking the girls up and I will have them ready.
HE is the one, after all, that moved so damn far away.
Much love,
Heather
You are right he is definitely trying to rattle me.
Even though I think his gf is a clueless b!txh I am trying to accept that this is my life now and this is my kids life. I hate it but I have to make it work somehow.
I also have begun to prepare myself mentally that one day my ex will marry this woman and prob have children with her. And that my kids will have siblings one day that are not my children - that really crushes me.
But I just am so thankful that I have such smart and beautiful girls. That my finances are good. So excited and grateful to be able to take my kids to Disney this January. I can't focus on the bad stuff - there is too much good stuff.
I'll email him that I can bring them so that it times out for when he is getting home but that I don't feel comfortable leavibg them with his gf. Should I add that I had asked him months ago to meet with Jess and him without the kids to have coffee so I could get used to her but he refused. Saying again meeting with her in a neutral environment would help me deal with these other meetings.
Thanks mighty, bea and klm for understanding the pain
Should I add that I had asked him months ago to meet with Jess and him without the kids to have coffee so I could get used to her but he refused. Saying again meeting with her in a neutral environment would help me deal with these other meetings.
One thing I think we need to get beyond is the need to explain ourselves. So no, I wouldn't add anything. You did not cause or make this problem, and if your xh is a big enough ass (which he demonstrably is) not to see this, explaining it again probably won't do the trick.
As Job says - they heard us the first time!
I second what Bea said - You do not need to explain yourself. Being civilized does not mean doing everything XH wants. You have every right to refuse to just hand off the kids to HWW.
Stay strong.
Brook,
I don't understand why are you are responsible for taking the girls to him? I can't think of a single time my mom had to take my brother and sister to my dad. Part of the arrangement was that he come get them. It was his responsibility. His time, his problem to figure out.
Brooklyn,
I would advise him that you are not going to be dropping the girls off to the woman. If he wants to see his daughters, then he should be the one to come pick them up. If you do this once, it may become a habit w/him.
I'm sorry he's acting like this, but it's not your job to play shuttle bus when he wants to see his daughters. This is a two way street and he needs to either come pick them up and return them home to you at the end of the visit or possibly meet you half way, but under no circumstances should you have to accommodate his requests for bringing them over to his house and having the woman be responsible for them.
Nothing more is required except a "no, I will not do that".
Bea, Gwen, heather and job that you so much I totally needed to hear that it is not my job.
So after his vague email about drop off and my response of no problem. Today I get this
--
Bklyn
i just wanted to make sure i was clear in my earlier email about friday. i will still be at work when you drop the girls off, jess will be there to receive them. wanted to make sure you were comfortable with that.
thanks,
Xh
----
I think he is afraid I will actually do it. How do I reply?
Brook,
If you are not comfortable with dropping the kids off with Jess, you can say, "no, this doesn't work for me. It is your responsibility to pick up the girls and you need to make it work somehow. I am willing to meet you at a neutral place to hand the girls off to you--only you as you are their father."
I guess I think I should be able to do this. This is just my the structure of my life and I should be able to do this.
I'm not ready yet.
Brook,
You don't ever have to be ready to do that. Ever.
My mother never took the kids to my dad's even after he had married the OW. He lived two hours away and never, ever did she meet him halfway.
In the long run, my brother and sister respected the fact that my dad made the effort to come get them, every other weekend, when he had to drive two hours to get them.
Yes, you will have to get used to seeing her at events like when the girls graduate from high school and so forth. But, you don't have to force yourself to be all gracious and accepting and helpful to them.
He's got you so worried about actually being the "b!tch" they have spewed about...you are going a million miles in the opposite direction to prove you aren't.
It's bull. The bottom line: He wants YOU to make his visitation easier for HIM. Parenting requires schedules changes and adjustments to accommodate your kids. This is HIS problem to figure out, not yours.
I think this will depend on how adversarial you want the relationship with X to be at this point. Regardless of the past, you need to set the example of how you want the relationship to be. I think an approach of I will drop them off to you and you bring them back to me is a 50/50 approach. If not , then a meet half way approach may work. It will really be up to you and how you want things to go now and in the future.
Life I agree with you. I am trying to reduce the adversarial dynamic . He picks them up 90% of the time but this weekend he is trying to coordinate a trip to visit his parents out of state.
I am trying to act in a reasonable way for my kids.
I don't think I can do it this time
I would tell him then that for some reason you are uncomfortable with this right now. Tell him you are not sure why and it is something you are working on. Then ask him if there is another arrangement that will work for you that I may be less uncomfortable with.
Don't try and point fingers at or directly define what is the cause. Leave it vague. He should not take offense and be willing to work with you on this.
Life - I love what you wrote, but I had just hit send on this email.
---
Doesn't look like I will be able to bring the girls uptown on Friday for both logistical and emotional reasons.
Maybe in the New Year the 3 of us can have coffee at a neutral location so I am better prepared for these encounters in the future.
----
this is what he wrote back to me after my email
--
It's unfortunate that you're not ready to do that yet. I'm not sure coffee is best idea- not sure what we would all talk about. But it is time to break the ice somehow.
This weekend. Not sure of all your logistics and your parents', but maybe we could pick the girls up from Yonkers Saturday morning? That would be a great help with the long trek to Lowell.
---
What do you guys think?? I am so confused??
Brook,
Are you able to do this in Yonkers? Is this something you can do yourself or have your parents drop them off there?
Yonkers saturday is not a problem. But why did he write those means words "its unfortunate that your not ready..." It makes me so sad all over again
Brook,
Ignore the snarky comment. Trying to guilt you for having those honest feelings. It is all on him. He's a blockhead.
How would you respond to XH's email? Please be sure to post a draft here first for feedback before hitting the send button.
I am thinking it is time for you to drop suggestions on meeting with XH and the OW. He's resisting it big time so that's not going anywhere.
He wrote those words because it looks like you are not ready or willing to bring the girls over to the ow. He wants everyone to be one big happy bunch of friends and wants to shove the bs under the rug and move on. He thinks you are still angry and won't do things for him to accommodate his wants and desires.
Bottom line, it's not often that everyone can be one big happy bunch of people and if it happens, it's a long way down the road.
I think those words were just written quickly by a blockhead. There is no deep meaning. He just wants what he wants. Ignore his tone. It isn't personal.
As for meeting OW, I wouldn't try to push anything until you are completely detached. This is for self preservation.
What do you want to do about visitation?
I agree w/Gwen, ignore his comments. It's his way of sticking it to you because you aren't bending over backwards to accommodate him. Don't take it personally.
Brook,
He's trying to bully you again. Don't let him.
He knows the buttons that get you riled.
Stick to what works for you.
You've been gracious.
Now, focus on what YOU need to do for YOU.
Hugs to you,
Heather
Thank you guys so much. I was spinning for a minute.
I was gonna write back.
"I can make Friday night or Sat. morning in Yonkers happen"
Brook,
Since XH suggested Saturday morning, how about "I can make it on Saturday morning. How about 8 am (insert whatever time works best for you)? Does that work for you? Thanks, Brook."
You can change it however you want...it is your response after all, Brook. Those are just suggestions.
I sent the response Wonka suggested. He said thanks, how about 8:30.
I said sure
then he writes that turns out he couldn't leave Friday night anyway due to work.
I bet that was predictable