DB PURGE COMING - DivorceBusting.com

If you didnt notice this I re-post it here

NOTICE: We are running maintenance and pruning the forums this week and next. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them asap, as they may be deleted.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO KEEP THE FORUMS UP AND RUNNING.
HOWEVER, THERE MAY BE TIMES DURING THIS PROCESS WHEN THEY ARE DOWN.
THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING.

So if you want to save your threads here is how.

Find the thread you want
Click on Topic options in upper left corner
Then print options
Then print to a file rather than paper

Hope that helps

DB Mod or Virginia
It would be nice if we knew what the parameters for the purge were.

Thanks

Thanks Cadet!

One last thing, when you indicate print to file, you might want to change it to a "txt" file. I tried it both ways and opted for the "txt" file.

Also if you are looking for another posters threads this method will help

It is what I use to find people here on DB.

How to find a user on DB

Go up to
MY STUFF
Click on Watch List
Click on Watched Users
Click on Edit Watched Users
Click on Add a user to list
Type in user - "Never Give UP"
Select her as a watched user.
Click on her name
Click on show all posts.
Click on Topics

The last 3 steps will work for finding your own threads too.

RANT - coming

All the MLC archives are gone!

Smurfs links do not work.

Job any chance you made copies of all your posts?
Pursuit and Distance thread is gone!

That is a huge mistake IMHO.
I know they warned us but I had no idea they were going to delete most of the good advice that has been given out here.

YIKES!

very sad

Holy Shid. Those archives got me through some really dark days...and, I'm not the only one. What do we do?

It appears they were really indiscriminate with the database purge. I don't really see a pattern, either; some forums have posts going back over a year, others going back to August 10th. Some forums are 15 pages long, others 3 or 4. I'm sure they came up with some metric for deletion, but it's not obvious from a cursory glance.

I guess this needs to be taken as a reminder that this is a discussion forum and not a library. Either that, or there needs to be a push to have valuable reference posts or threads moved to an archive. Or maybe someone needs to set up a website to archive this stuff for future reference off-site.

At least they warned us the purge was going to happen well in advance. I've been part of communities where they gave no advanced warning to speak of; the admin would make a post in the announcements forum, and old posts would just be gone. Hopefully enough people saved those reference posts and threads to be able to piece them back together.

Originally Posted By: BklynMom

very sad

And yet very typical.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

If you didnt notice this I re-post it here

NOTICE: We are running maintenance and pruning the forums this week and next. If there are any Topics or Posts you want to keep, please save them asap, as they may be deleted.
WE WILL DO OUR BEST TO KEEP THE FORUMS UP AND RUNNING.
HOWEVER, THERE MAY BE TIMES DURING THIS PROCESS WHEN THEY ARE DOWN.
THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND UNDERSTANDING.

So if you want to save your threads here is how.

Find the thread you want
Click on Topic options in upper left corner
Then print options
Then print to a file rather than paper

Hope that helps

DB Mod or Virginia
It would be nice if we knew what the parameters for the purge were.

Thanks

Cadet,

I'll never be able to thank you enough for posting this. When I read this thread this morning, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that all of my old stuff was gone (it wasn't, thankfully). I just spent the past hour archiving all of my "Chocolateeyes" threads that I initiated, and will do the same with my "Puppy Dog Tails" ones when I get some time today, and then "Starsky" (yeah yeah, I know.

. . . doesn't DB say to "create mystique?" )

Still, this process only captures stuff by THREAD. Many folks' best advice came on OTHER people's threads, so I hope all of that is not lost. There's really no way to capture all of it.

I'd love to say this is a "server storage" issue, but I suspect it's something entirely different.

Thanks again for the heads up, and the helpful how-to!!

Choc/Puppy/Starsky

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

I'll never be able to thank you enough for posting this. When I read this thread this morning, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that all of my old stuff was gone (it wasn't, thankfully). I just spent the past hour archiving all of my "Chocolateeyes" threads that I initiated, and will do the same with my "Puppy Dog Tails" ones when I get some time today, and then "Starsky" (yeah yeah, I know.

. . . doesn't DB say to "create mystique?" )

Still, this process only captures stuff by THREAD. Many folks' best advice came on OTHER people's threads, so I hope all of that is not lost. There's really no way to capture all of it.

I'd love to say this is a "server storage" issue, but I suspect it's something entirely different.

Thanks again for the heads up, and the helpful how-to!!

Choc/Puppy/Starsky

Glad to hear your threads are still here, although as you stated in your previous post

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Originally Posted By: BklynMom

very sad

And yet very typical.

You have lived through enough of these that you are spot on with that comment.

I am actually surprised that Chocolateeyes is still intact.
Their are other users that are totally gone.

Something interesting is an old topic that I bumped up last week is now gone including my brand new post.
That seems very strange.

Anyways thanks for the feedback and glad you saved your old stuff, I have read most of it and it is worth saving.

Cadet,
No, I did not make copies of all my posts. I had tons of posts and many of them were outdated and needed to be purged. I kept a few and the Pursuit and Distance thread was not one of them. However, I do have the first posting from that particular thread and would be happy to repost it as "new" and get it started once again since it was a very, very old thread and was locked many, many years ago.

I think the reason the MLC Archives was purged is because it had the largest thread count of all of the forums and many of the postings went back to the early 2000-2001 timeframe.

I have the All Sermons in One Thread-Lessons and ALL by Hearts Blessing.

I can't do much right now, but I could scan or type it in. As I pack, I will continue to look for more that I saved or printed.

Heather

Originally Posted By: LoisB

I have the All Sermons in One Thread-Lessons and ALL by Hearts Blessing.

I can't do much right now, but I could scan or type it in. As I pack, I will continue to look for more that I saved or printed.

Heather

I have these digitally but I wont repost them without the authors permission.

Job if you can repost your portion (the first post of pursuit and distance or any other thread) that would be great.

Thanks

Cadet,
I have started a new thread on Pursuit/Distance for the readers.

Originally Posted By: job

Cadet,
I have started a new thread on Pursuit/Distance for the readers.

Thank you, I hope that we can get current and past members to participate in these threads so we can update the experience that people have had with these different subjects.

Originally Posted By: Mighty

I am so glad this discussion is being had... again. Thank you to the vets for understanding the importance of the archives. Job and Cadet, thanks for saving this and bringing this topic back.

Again, thank for keeping this important stuff "alive"!

I am going to bring this comment from Mighty over here and just say that my intention is to try to restore any threads that we can get permissions from the authors to reprint.

At some point I will need to re-do my welcome post and the MLC resource links thread by Smurf.

Most of what is stickied to the top of the board is now also not working and I am not sure of its value stickied there.

We may need some help from the moderators in order to get this all back up and working again.

Also any newbies or oldies should try to participate in these new threads so we can make them more valuable to those that have not yet arrived on the board.

Thanks everyone for your cooperation,help,support, and future participation.

It would help immensely if we knew what the admins' GOAL is here: cut down on server space? Make sure content is up-to-date? Legal/permissions issues with old posters who may or may not want their stuff stickied and/or re-posted? Other?

It's hard to "work together" when you don't know what the issue is, and when we ask, all we get is a general "to make the forums operate more smoothly" and such.

Starsky

A forum database will get very large and some forum software simply is not robust enough to handle it. But taking down old pages for a site will hurt a business, because the site will lose its ranking and exposure in the search engines. This will adversely affect the number of future visitors. I have to assume that the more exposure they have the more money they make off of people buying books and using a DB coach.

It looks like DB is using Hostasaurus, Inc, and their hosting accounts have limited transfer and costs a more than a host like Hostgator would. So maybe they feel like they need to do the purge to stay within their plan.

The software the DB forums is using is UBB, which is very server intensive, to the point several hosting companies have banned the use of it on their servers. DB would be much better off migrating to vbulletin, which is a far superior, less server intensive, more feature rich forum software.

By removing this old content they are hurting their site in multiple ways, beyond just current user experience. Yes we are frustrated by the inability to navigate the site and upset at the lost information, but in addition to this, they are also removing old and popular content that has been linked to from other sources. These links are what helps divorcebusting.com rank higher in the search engines for various searches. By removing it, and deindexing those pages, those links no longer count and divorcebusting drops in the rankings.

What may be a plan to decrease cost is then decreasing the likelihood of future users coming to the site and purchasing resources. These kind of changes also cause current visitors to become frustrated and migrate to other websites that they trust will keep their content and resources safe and available.

I would prefer to discuss this here so as not to hi-jack another thread I am going to leave out the quote to make it easier to read

quote=pbetra
Thx Job, Cadet ...hope you don't mind -

I posted Cadet's homework links since the one you recovered was part of the list (I did not have access to it before!! Thank you thank you thank you ...

I couldn't think where else to post, but since the homework links are related, I thought it might be good to map all, so that we could identify the 'status' of the homework links in one place. Identify what is recovered in the scheme of things - if you can advise me of a better location - I am open to that as well, np.
Thx again for recovering & posting

re: assignment link #2 - The link for the resources (** below)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436
(mentioned before > re: 'bold magenta' may also have been purged)

-------------------------------------------
** Subject: MLC Resources - All links in one thread
6 Stages of MLC by Hearts Blessings / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=97846&page=78&fpart=1]

All Sermans / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=96158&page=197#Post96158]

Debate: MLC versus WAS /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=667030&page=155#Post667030]

Post from an MLCer / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1279265&page=0&fpart=1]

Great one liners - I /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=522019&page=63#Post522019]

Great one liners - II / 'OK'(4 now!)
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Board=28&Number=894543&Searchpage=1&Main=26911&Words=liners&topic=0&Search=true#Post894543]

Halloween fest in Fog Town Land / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=370261&page=24#Post370261]

Highly recommended reading Material /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.REPOSTED,ONGOING
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=120684&page=68#Post120684]
(I will try to post new link ... or if someone has it?!!)

In Tandem MLC and Depression / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=121351&page=221#Post121351]

In Tandem MLC and Depression 2 / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=287760&page=197#Post287760]

The Lighthouse Story[b] / [b]There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=641835&page=64#Post641835]

Midlife for Dummies / 'OK'(4 now!)
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=0&fpart=1]

MLC Discussion / My new info / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=752093&page=66#Post752093]

My thoughts on why they run away / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=74#Post67406] (13)

Recipe for success /There was a problem looking up this post in our database. was this REPOSTED?
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=566433&page=199#Post566433]
(if re posted, will try to include new link ... or if someone has it?!!)

Rin Van Winkles awakening / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=423755&page=186#Post423755]

Stages of MLC through the eyes of a visitor /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=87887&page=235#Post87887]

Stages of MLC through the eyes of a visitor II /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=90006&page=217#Post90006]

Thoughts of a MLC checklist /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=674608&page=44#Post674608]

Why the MLCer is so distant / 'OK'(4 now!)
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=984732&page=0&fpart=1]

Snippits from the Ann Sheffield Depression Site / 'OK'(4 now!)
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Board=28&Number=851711&Searchpage=30&Main=25839&Words=Smurf_SMR&topic=0&Search=true#Post851711]

Yin and Yang / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Board=28&Number=849762&Searchpage=30&Main=25810&Words=Smurf_SMR&topic=0&Search=true#Post849762]

Rummaging around the archives / 'OK'(4 now!)
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=937456&page=0&fpart=2]

A question of dating / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1005543&page=13#Post1005543]

Attribution Theory / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=829888&page=24#Post829888]

TMAK-Explanation of Reconnection / NEW - this thread!
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=190969&page=69#Post190969]

===============

I was lucky to have had access to these 'pre-purge', I do think of the number of newcomers who would benefit so much from these threads (!!)- p. /quote

Gosh Cadet- thank you so much for your time and scores in saving these invaluable resources. And Job for reposting so many of her insights and explanations. I know for me personally these 'lost' threads were lifelines to me in the darkest days and answers to my confusion and priceless in hue building of my knowledge and understanding.

re: your post - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2485372&#Post2485372

Like I said np. Definately do NOT want to highjack anyone

...

just been stopping by too briefly - guess it shows.
(am 'addicted' to here i think

I drop by if if for a few mins! - with the first purge i actually felt lost!)

Thx Cadet (as always)
pb.

Cadet,

Starsky brought up some good points in his posting earlier about legal/permission issues with old posters who may or may not want their stuff stickied or reposted.

I have a number of threads/postings that I am reviewing right now and will determine whether I want them reposted and if they are still relevant, if they aren't relevant, I will not repost them and take up space. There is one, in particular, that I do not want reposted and it is the "Rip Van Winkles Awakening". That thread was created a few days after by BIL's death and would prefer that this one remain purged for life.

Cadet, I admire you for trying to create a new thread w/the old postings. I hope that the originators of the threads that you are attempting to recapture will come forward and provide you w/the links for some of the purged postings so that they can be reposted and hopefully stickied at the top of the forum.

Originally Posted By: bustingout

Gosh Cadet- thank you so much for your time and scores in saving these invaluable resources. And Job for reposting so many of her insights and explanations. I know for me personally these 'lost' threads were lifelines to me in the darkest days and answers to my confusion and priceless in hue building of my knowledge and understanding.

Thanks Busting, when I first arrived here about 5 years ago, everyone told me to read the resource thread, I being a newbie, had no clue what that was and even when I found it most of the links were DEAD.
SO once I did find it and learned a little more I thought I could give back that knowledge so that newbies feeling so lost and helpless could at least have something to DO!

Now on to this task at hand My comments will be in BLUE
I have started a new homework thread that will work linked here
New Homework
Also notice an additional post I had a few below the one linked that fixes one link and also gives one for the reading

quote=pbetra

The link for the resources
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436
-------------------------------------------
** Subject: MLC Resources - All links in one thread
6 Stages of MLC by Hearts Blessings / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=97846&page=78&fpart=1]

All Sermans / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=96158&page=197#Post96158]
______________________________________________________________________________________
My feeling is that HB is still a member of this board and if she chooses to post HER threads here then I will be glad to link them if she doesnt then we should respect her privacy.
____________________________________________________________________________

Debate: MLC versus WAS /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=667030&page=155#Post667030]

Post from an MLCer / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1279265&page=0&fpart=1]

Great one liners - I /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=522019&page=63#Post522019]

Great one liners - II / 'OK'(4 now!)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543

Halloween fest in Fog Town Land / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=370261&page=24#Post370261]

Highly recommended reading Material - NEW
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893
______________________________________________________________________________
In Tandem MLC and Depression / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=121351&page=221#Post121351]

In Tandem MLC and Depression 2 / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=287760&page=197#Post287760]

New Lighthouse thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619
________________________________________________________________________________________
Midlife for Dummies / 'OK'(4 now!)
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=0&fpart=1]
_______________________________________________________________________________________
I need to look for a link but I am sure one is around or I will re-post this.

______________________________________________________________________________________

MLC Discussion / My new info / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=752093&page=66#Post752093]

My thoughts on why they run away / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=74#Post67406] (13)
_________________________________________________________________________________________
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259
_________________________________________________________________________________________

Recipe for success /There was a problem looking up this post in our database. was this REPOSTED?
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=566433&page=199#Post566433]
(if re posted, will try to include new link ... or if someone has it?!!)

Rin Van Winkles awakening-
removed per Job's request

Stages of MLC through the eyes of a visitor /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=87887&page=235#Post87887]

Stages of MLC through the eyes of a visitor II /There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=90006&page=217#Post90006]

Thoughts of a MLC checklist /There was a problem looking up this post in o]ur database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=674608&page=44#Post674608]

Why the MLCer is so distant / 'OK'(4 now!)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...e=0&fpart=1

Snippits from the Ann Sheffield Depression Site / 'OK'(4 now!)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post851711

Yin and Yang / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Board=28&Number=849762&Searchpage=30&Main=25810&Words=Smurf_SMR&topic=0&Search=true#Post849762]

Rummaging around the archives / 'OK'(4 now!)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...e=0&fpart=2

A question of dating / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1005543&page=13#Post1005543]

Attribution Theory / There was a problem looking up this post in our database.
[http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=829888&page=24#Post829888]

TMAK-Explanation of Reconnection / NEW - this thread!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484751#Post2484751

Note to Job - I agree with what you wrote and with Starsky.
Also note that the stickied thread at the top of the board from Smurf has been removed

Cadet,
Angel61 posted the MLC For Dummies back in March of 2011. Here's the link and it's not locked, nor was it purged.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2142405&page=1

Originally Posted By: job

Cadet,
Angel61 posted the MLC For Dummies back in March of 2011. Here's the link and it's not locked, nor was it purged.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2142405&page=1

Oh thanks, I will add this in the next revision as it is now too late to edit the above post.

Also I messed up as this link also still works.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1

This is now the most current version to this post if anyone has any comments, additions, subtractions, or edits, please post them on this thread.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and
we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version,
sorry for the confusion.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Reccomended Reading thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619

MLC for Dummies
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1

Great one liners
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543

TMAK Reconnection
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2485011

Snippits from the Anne Sheffield depression site
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=851708#Post851708

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

Odds and Ends from Delboy
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488315#Post2488315

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Hi Cadet, You need a new title for this thread now!
So could you please put the contents onto a new one thanks.

Love

Delboy

How is this Delboy?

Hi Cadet, the Title of the thread is 'DB Purge coming'

People could be looking for helpful info etc. But I don't think they will be looking for it in 'DB Purge Coming' That's what I meant.

Love
Delboy

Originally Posted By: Delboy

Hi Cadet, the Title of the thread is 'DB Purge coming'

People could be looking for helpful info etc. But I don't think they will be looking for it in 'DB Purge Coming' That's what I meant.

Love
Delboy

Yes I understand, if I was a moderator or had the ability to change it on the main board - I would.

I really dont like starting new threads just because the theme of the thread changed.
So I will keep posting here until I get to 100 posts.
Then I may not even start a new one.

But thanks for your input - it is appreciated.

My old friend....

I am gonna borrow your thread for a minute, to ask....

MODS...what is up with the time stamps for posts ???

They used to post, for me at least, in Eastern time..

Has that changed to Mountain, or something else ??

Mach,
Shining raised the same question yesterday and here is Cadet's response to her:

"Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Did they change the time zone for this site? The post times seem very different?

Somehow the times in our preferences got changed
Mine was set for zero or greenwich mean time and I am on Eastern Standard time and it needed to say -4

I suggest you edit it.

I can list directions if you cant figure it out
Start with "my stuff" then Edit preferences"

Apparently the lastest updates that took place over the weekend scrubbed some of our profile info too, i.e., the time zone issue.

Sorry about that time stamp issue. Didn't notice it until you mentioned it here.

Don't know if it is fixable, but we're looking into what we may be able to do.

Thanks

Okay....I think I figured it out...

THANK YOU JOB !!!

You are such a blessing ...

THANK YOU VIRGINIA

When I went to my preferences, where it says to adjust the time..

I put in a -4 hours, and it seemed to set it correctly for me...

Originally Posted By: Virginia

Sorry about that time stamp issue. Didn't notice it until you mentioned it here.

Don't know if it is fixable, but we're looking into what we may be able to do.

Thanks

You(meaning DB mods) dont need to do anything other than follow the directions that I have given in two different posts.

This is a problem that the users can solve.

MLC BOARD
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2490161#Post2490161

NEWCOMERS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2490204#Post2490204

Calling Wonka or anyone else who would like to help.

rather then hi jack someone else's thread I will post to you here.

what do you think the welcome post should look like on newcomers. Do you have any suggestions for links? I am willing to brainstorm with you to make up that post.

Thanks for hearing my bat signal, Cadet!

Here are the two greetings that you roll out for newbies and MLC. What I would like to see is that the Sandi Rules, Validation & Boundaries Cheat Sheets links inserted in the newcomers greetings for newbies. Can you somehow work that in there somewhere? Thanks a bunch!

Mwah Oh and add the link to abbreviations in this section.

Newbies do need help with resources and links as well that is done for the MLC posters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NEWCOMERS FORUM

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

MLC FORUM

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and
we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version,
sorry for the confusion.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Reccomended Reading thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619

MLC for Dummies
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1

Great one liners
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543

TMAK Reconnection
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2485011

Snippits from the Anne Sheffield depression site
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=851708#Post851708

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

Odds and Ends from Delboy
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488315#Post2488315

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.

I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________

I'm not a vet but was remembering how devastating that first week or so was after bomb drop, and agree with Wonka (hiya Wonka

) that newbies need some resources too.

One of the most helpful things for me was when my marriage counselor gave me a list of "dos and don'ts" which was very similar to Sandi's Rules. It calmed down a lot of my ex's reactive craziness. I think you could suggest that newcomers read Divorce Remedy, and agree that the "validation cheat sheet" Wonka posted last year would be very helpful to newcomers. In addition, I would explain what moderation is, besides just telling them that they are on moderation, and think you should write out what GAL stands for.

Maybe the post for newcomers could look something like this: (I "borrowed" a bunch of your welcome post on the MLC forum)

NEWCOMERS FORUM

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, her Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

You may be on moderation now, meaning that each of your posts must be checked before it is published on the forum. Newbies are moderated until the moderator has observed good posting behavior, and he or she can recommend to the administrator that the newcomer can be unmoderated. Therefore post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Thanks Wonka and Linda I would propose this for the
NEWCOMERS FORUM
(anyone else? Starsky? Mr Bond? have any suggestions)

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD, her Divorce Busting(DB) is also an excellent book.

You may be on moderation now, meaning that each of your posts must be checked before it is published on the forum. Newbies are moderated until the moderator has observed good posting behavior, and he or she can recommend to the administrator that the newcomer can be unmoderated. Therefore post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Cadet,

Don't forget the Boundaries: Cheat Sheet link as well (I suggest that you put it right under the Validation: Cheat Sheet link). I'm not sure if the Lighthouse link is applicable to newbies as it is more appropriate for LBS with MLCers.

Isn't Divorce Remedy book the second edition of the original Divorce Busting book? I bought both and DR essentially covers what DB did in the first edition with new additional information and improved topics.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Cadet,

Don't forget the Boundaries: Cheat Sheet link as well (I suggest that you put it right under the Validation: Cheat Sheet link). I'm not sure if the Lighthouse link is applicable to newbies as it is more appropriate for LBS with MLCers.

Isn't Divorce Remedy book the second edition of the original Divorce Busting book? I bought both and DR essentially covers what DB did in the first edition with new additional information and improved topics.

OK will add
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

The light house post by ark^^ was NOT made for an MLC LBS,
so I thought it might be appropriate.

I dont know the answer about DB and DR although I have read them both.
Do you have a suggestion on what to post about them?

How about this:

Originally Posted By: Cadet

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD, her Divorce Busting(DB) is also an excellent book.

and Cadet, I think the beginning of your original newbie "moderation" post is better than the one I copied from your MLC welcome post. You ARE on moderation, not you may be. Because they all are right?

Maybe this would be better

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/

RL - Will use this

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Most current version

NEWCOMERS FORUM
(anyone else? Starsky? Mr Bond? have any suggestions)

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Looks good to me! Thanks for updating this, Cadet. Well done...

I may be missing it listed here, but that Pursuit/Distance post - from job, right? - is a JEWEL, and I find myself referring to it very often. I thought it was lost recently when a link to it was broken, but I was able to find it with a little digging. (Maybe that's bc job re-posted?)

Anyway, I remember being a newbie here (both times - ugh) and feeling like I needed to gobble up as much information as possible. It helped so much to have easily accessible links in different threads, but I had to "stumble" on so many of the real gems. But this? This is a goldmine of information. On behalf of everyone who lands here, thank you for your efforts, Cadet. This is priceless.

Hi guys

I know its in the book but is there a potted version of what detatching is, its so so important and takes a good long time to wrap your head around. Given newcomers won't have the book yet or most likely anyway and its one of tge first things the forum tells them to do (lurkers will have read it again and again as well before posting) it may be helpful to give them a quick idea of what it is and what it isn't?

Good work BTW

edz,

I have reposted a detachment article that I provided to makingmagic back in the summer of 2013. It's not only a potted version, but it's grown into a full blooming flower. LOL!

Here's the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Excellent stuff, Cadet what do you think of adding that in?

I think it looks great, Cadet! We can always update and edit as we go, sort of like "Sandi's Rules" have been refined over the years. I say go with it.

Oh, and "ditto" what Train said about the "pursuit/distance" thing. I was going to also recommend that Coach's excellent "Boundaries" thread be included, but now that Wonka has incorporated it into hers, we're covered there.

Only other suggestion I would add is -- where you tell them that they're on moderation and to post short posts, and frequently, something like "especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions, and posting on other people's threads -- people will come!"

Something like that.

Thanks for doing this . . . great idea.

Starsky

Thanks for your input(Starsky, Job, Edz, Train) - I have redone this below taking in all your input.
If you have any changes in the future please post them here.
One of my concerns is also following the DB TOS,
and sometimes that is not clear cut to me!

NEWCOMERS FORUM

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Looks good my friend....

I usually try to link the first chapter thread up for the DB book, just to get a jump on the theory behind DBing....

It calmed me immensely knowing that I wasn't alone.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=228021#Post228021

And, since we are at it...

Thank you Cadet, for the time that you spend putting this together, and posting to virtually every new face that arrives in pain and confusion. You have calmed many, and made an impact on the lives of many.

Thank You

I second that! There is so much valuable information here, and when you are in a state of desperation and panic, it is wonderful to have key resources laid out for you to reference.

I feel that it helps to revisit those links throughout the process. Some things click or make sense at different stages of this life changing journey.

You all have been so amazing and wonderful. It has impacted my life in a way I couldn't have imagined.

I am very grateful.

Cadet

Thank you and everyone here who contributes, I know it goes without saying how much pain and suffering the people who sacrific their time to help others here have relieved. Its an amazing collection of ... well .. just good solid people who have gone through the pain so they know ... I am, and will forever be grateful for this forum.

The links are amazing, being able to find them easily is so huge ... I know for me I have read them early on .. and stumble across them and read them again the message changes for me, I am sure its that way with others as they go through the journey and things are less emotional and turn more logical.

List looks amazing ... Thank you.

I like it.

To answer Wonka's question about DR vs. DB...basically Divorce Remedy is an updated and tweaked version of Divorce Busting.

The major difference is how to use and what exactly LRT is. And that can and has presented problems in the past between vets and newcomers, as they arent always talking about the same thing.

Personally, I liked the original better.

here is the updated link to the first chapter of DR which Mach1 mentioned, as reposted by Virginia last September, after the purge I think:

http://divorcebusting.com/sb_the_divorce_remedy.htm

Originally Posted By: RosaLinda

here is the updated link to the first chapter of DR which Mach1 mentioned, as reposted by Virginia last September, after the purge I think:

http://divorcebusting.com/sb_the_divorce_remedy.htm

I will probably use this one
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm
as it links the first chapters for ALL the books!

Originally Posted By: cat04

I like it.

To answer Wonka's question about DR vs. DB...basically Divorce Remedy is an updated and tweaked version of Divorce Busting.

The major difference is how to use and what exactly LRT is. And that can and has presented problems in the past between vets and newcomers, as they arent always talking about the same thing.

Personally, I liked the original better.

Any suggestions on what should be recommended for this welcome post?

Yes and no.

The post is great. I always worry about overwhelming newcomers. And IMO, this is getting close...

Maybe only mention one version of the book to keep confusion down.

Originally Posted By: cat04

The post is great. I always worry about overwhelming newcomers. And IMO, this is getting close...

Maybe only mention one version of the book to keep confusion down.

Yes....because there is seldom any confusion over here in MLC :P

Originally Posted By: Mach1

Originally Posted By: cat04

The post is great. I always worry about overwhelming newcomers. And IMO, this is getting close...

Maybe only mention one version of the book to keep confusion down.

Yes....because there is seldom any confusion over here in MLC :P

Ok I laughed ... lol

First Post is published, leaving it here for future use and comments.

NEWCOMERS FORUM

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

he first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse(WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Cadet,
It looks fine.

I want to say "thank you" for all of the work you do for the forum. You put in a lot of your time, not only helping others, but also consolidating all of the helpful links for posters. People tend to forget that you come here, just as we all do, searching for answers and providing advice whenever you can.

You should be promoted to a moderator!

Originally Posted By: job

Cadet,
It looks fine.

I want to say "thank you" for all of the work you do for the forum. You put in a lot of your time, not only helping others, but also consolidating all of the helpful links for posters. People tend to forget that you come here, just as we all do, searching for answers and providing advice whenever you can.

You should be promoted to a moderator!

x2

I actually had to look at that.... I always thought cadet was a mod.

I think Cadet should be given the title of Ambassador!
(or "DB Ambassador")

C'mon mods and admins, how 'bout it? Hit "Notify" on this post and 2nd it if you agree!

Starsky

I second

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

I think Cadet should be given the title of Ambassador!
(or "DB Ambassador")

C'mon mods and admins, how 'bout it? Hit "Notify" on this post and 2nd it if you agree!

Starsky

Fourth

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

I think Cadet should be given the title of Ambassador!
(or "DB Ambassador")

C'mon mods and admins, how 'bout it? Hit "Notify" on this post and 2nd it if you agree!

Starsky

I guess I could change my name......

Fifth!!!!

Concur with this suggestion!

When changing over from "Member" to "DB Ambassador" under the screenname, may I suggest magenta pink color to differentiate from forum mods and DB Center Staff? (and just to mess around with Cadet as well)

Great work all.....I can tell you that I appreciated reading all the threads Cadet added to the welcome post. I read them all long before I even signed up on the forum. I agree that newcomers will all appreciate them too.

Newcomers are searching and often have been lurking reading posts before signing up. I was like a sponge.....I read as much as I could.

Hey Cadet,

I have more suggestions. Seeing how the WAS discovers the DB site after looking up search histories, it all blows up for the poster. We've seen this several times over the past several years with the the most recent one over this past weekend. We would want to avoid this at all costs.

To address this problem, I'd like to suggest that you update the welcome greeting for BOTH MLC and Newcomers to include the following comments:

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

Bump for Cadet. ^^ CADET...CADET...

I am on board with that, as it also happened to me!

My ex read on DB about installing a key logger,
and knew everything I was doing on line.

Pursued me all over the internet and even used some of the info in court, all to gain an advantage on me in the divorce proceedings.

The only thing I am a little worried about is that we make this first thread so complex that they dont get anything out of it.

Cat04 has expressed this to me and I do agree.

Maybe in a second post immediately after the greeting....this way it will not be "too much." I feel very strongly about this and I do think it should be included in the first (or first two) welcome post.

I am sure it wasn't fun for you at all when your XW discovered this and even used it in Court! How crazy was that??

This just validates the importance of including those comments in the greetings and prevent those TWO VERY COMMON mistakes from the VERY beginning.

Knowledge is power, right?

Cadet,
I agree...we don't want to overwhelm them with a welcome thread with tons of info. I think it would be best to have a separate posting about sharing info w/their spouses, i.e., such as DB and DR. When people first come to many of the forums, they are reading the stories and then some circle back and read the resources that are there for them as tools.

Keep the Welcome Threads simple, but yet, informative. If you continue to add to the Welcome Threads, they will eventually be 4 pages longs and people will not be interested in reading them until months down the road.

When are you going to start using the greeting post in Newcomers?

"Mr. Chairman, I call the question!"

Starsky,

Cadet has already rolled out the new, improved greeting to a newcomer earlier today. Get back to your Scotch!

We need to have some newbies and I will post it too them.

If I miss someone please let me know.

Or if you would like someone to have the post let me know and I will put it on their thread.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Starsky,

Cadet has already rolled out the new, improved greeting to a newcomer earlier today. Get back to your Scotch!

For the 3rd time, it's either WINE (cab or shiraz) or BOURBON, lol!!!

Do try to keep up, my dear Wonka!!

Originally Posted By: Cadet

We need to have some newbies and I will post it too them.

If I miss someone please let me know.

Or if you would like someone to have the post let me know and I will put it on their thread.

Sorry, I checked only one today and it wasn't on there so I thought you hadn't rolled it out yet. Cool beans!

Hi jacking my own thread back - although I am not sure that is correct, since it is my thread, I want to work on the

MLC Welcome thread
again with my new MLC resource link.
Also a few other adjustments - Thanks Wonka, Job and anyone else that helped.
_____________________________________________________________________

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2539710#Post2539710

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

The only thing I am a little worried about is that we make this first thread so complex that they dont get anything out of it.

Cadet,

I was here in 2005/06 for a while, then left and came back last year. IOW, I'm not too far removed from "Newcomer-status" myself. I hear everyone loud and clear about the potential of the message becoming too long and overwhelming. That being said, when folks land here (if they're anything like I was), they are ready to gobble up ANYTHING and EVERYTHING they can get their hands on. They might not read/digest it all at once, but having such heavy-hitting information in one post is valuable. A godsend, even. They can always go back to it as they find time.

I mean, heck, if you think it might help - and even though it would add even a little MORE - maybe consider putting right at the top of your welcome message a "disclaimer" like: "This initial post from me is lengthy; do not feel you have to read it all at once. Come back to it as you have time to read and digest this information, which has been compiled by DB vets who have saved their marriages and/or themselves."

Just a thought.

Great idea, Train.

This I believe is the latest edition.(I am starting to get confused myself)

NEWCOMERS WELCOME THREAD

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Sandi's Rules: A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Hey Cadet,

It is confusing! I suggest that you keep the original welcome thread as originally planned and separate out the do not share DR book and clearing the browser history in a second follow up post.

Resources in the first post and the second post focuses on not sharing the book and clearing the search history.

Cadet,

Here's another suggestion. Switch up going dark and Sandi's Rules.

I just saw you welcome post to SadDad today.

This is what you posted that needs to be changed.

"Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the going dark link."

Suggested change:

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with the Sandi's Rules link.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reason is that many, many newbies make those same mistakes over and over. This is the very FIRST thing they need to read when they arrive here. It is an excellent roadmap FOR every newbie regardless of the situation they find themselves in here.

Agree? Thoughts?

Originally Posted By: job

Cadet,
It looks fine.

I want to say "thank you" for all of the work you do for the forum. You put in a lot of your time, not only helping others, but also consolidating all of the helpful links for posters. People tend to forget that you come here, just as we all do, searching for answers and providing advice whenever you can.

You should be promoted to a moderator!

Agreed.

Quote:

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

Cadet, you recently posted in this in someone's thread today. This is exactly the very thing I was referring to when I suggested that you break your welcome post into two separate posts. First one is your usual welcome mat and then the second one is that one above ^^^.

Make sense?

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

Cadet, you recently posted in this in someone's thread today. This is exactly the very thing I was referring to when I suggested that you break your welcome post into two separate posts. First one is your usual welcome mat and then the second one is that one above ^^^.

Make sense?

Yes I have done it a bunch and you are more than welcome to make the post as it is a quote from YOU.

Look...Cadet, it was one of the suggestions. There are some posters who are in agreement with including that section in the welcome post. The issue was that we all were afraid that if that were included in the original welcome post, it'd be too long for newbies. Hence the suggestion to simply break it into two posts. And frankly, I really don't care for the credit. Just git 'er done.

Wonka,
Are you okay? Your last posting was a bit of on the "bossy side" and that's not like you. What's eating at you today? When I see a poster is a bit on the miffed side, it concerns me...so what's going on?

Cadet is not employed by Michelle and he is doing the postings out of the goodness of his heart to help others. I, for one, would never tell him or anyone else on this Board to "git 'er done". That was uncalled for. We should be thankful that he took the initiative to do this for the posters and treat him w/kindness and appreciation, not directing him to do something. Just remember...he's a member just like us, not a paid employee of Michelle's.

Maybe you are teasing w/Cadet, but it sure didn't come across that way when I read it.

Job,

I was weary at the time and had several things spinning on my plates IRL. My goal was try to get Cadet to understand that I really truly couldn't care less if my name was associated with that portion or not.

I was trying to be Larry The Cable Guy funny with that comment...seems not to quite come out as I had hoped. As you know, the last thing I am is to be 'bossy'...absolutely not my intention at all.

Thanks for the nudge and reminder.

Hey...didja vote for Cadet as a Moderator?!

I know I'm a newbie on DB so I apologize up front for being a bit fastidious but here goes:

Quote:

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Every time I see Cadet's welcome post I find the use of the term "gift" offensive. It's fine, I suppose for the Mid-life crisis forum, but in the infidelity forum and newcomers forum where many are faced with just learning the debilitation information that their spouse cheated on them it seems a bit cruel, minimizing and off-puting (which is the last thing you want to be on a "welcome" post).

My wife's infidelity a decade ago was not a "gift" in any way, shape or manner. Neither she nor I would ever refer to it as such even now, completely recovered. It was HORRIBLE for both of us. I also didn't appreciate the "time" I had putting myself back together while taking care of everything in our world while my wife pursued her fantasy relationship. It's "time" that could have been better spent fixing our marriage versus destroying it.

Since length seems to be a problem (and I do think it's overwhelming and could do with a few less links to boring and/or more advanced threads that they can come to learn in time. For example, a newly betrayed spouse desperate for NEW information doesn't need to read a convoluted thread like the "validation thread" when they just need to initially be told to keep calm) ~~~perhaps one of the following alternatives for the "GIFT OF TIME" language would work:

Quote:

Again, welcome to Divorce Busting

Originally Posted By: MWD tweet Feb 20

As Michelle Weiner Davis says: "It takes strength, courage, integrity and determination to fight for your marriage. It's the hardest thing you will ever do in your life! "

I am bumping this up - more for only the first three posts of the thread.

We might split the rest of it off as a separate thread.

But the point is a PURGE will be coming and anyone that needs to take appropriate action should do so.

Yes, indeed, I think a purge is coming especially if a new format is going to be implemented.

Folks if you want to keep your threads/postings, I suggest that you begin to copy them to a thumb drive. When a purge comes, we do not know which threads will or will not disappear.

Don't wait until it's officially announced...start saving those items of interest to you now.