http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2480166&page=1They say 8 is great. Hoping this 8th thread brings all kinds of good excitement :-) Come and join me on the MLC Megacoaster Observation Deck.
I hope 8 is great, too!
I'll be there to meet you on the observation deck AS SOON AS I CAN GET OFF THIS RIDE FROM HE//!!!!!
And after I throw up a few times, too.
Meanwhile, enjoy the view, take pics, and I'll be waving to you from the hills.
Hey...I see your H right behind Bigfoot over there! Didja see it??!! Over THERE!!
These kind of rides make me sick too...
But I'll watch from the little camera thingy they have by the waiting line.
Maybe there will be a funny photo of Shining puking at some point!
Around and around they go, and where the barf lands, nobody knows!
(Although we have a pretty good idea, don't we?)
Can't wait to find out what's behind Door #3!
Is it a new Yugo or a trip to Spain?
--GGG
About what your D9 said from last thread...my D19 has told me that as soon as her mom is gone for a while and the "fun" of getting her new place all set up and getting all the attention from her friends and co-workers, she is going to regret what she has done. She is going to find out that "happiness" isn't about where you live, it's about what you do, the decisions you make. Pretty deep stuff from a girl who just got out of HS a couple months ago! I am so very proud of my D's. They are turning into excellent adults sooner than I imagine they expected to need to.
We are all going through so much on here. So much pain, so much disbelief (at least at first), so much betrayal and craziness. In the end, it's the kids that are the biggest "victims" of MLC. In my W's case, knowing what I do about what most likely caused her crisis (her fathers abandonment when she was only 10), I can't help but think that it's just a continuation of bad choices made by others long ago and that somehow, someway the cycle has to come to an end. It's like my FIL not only destroyed his own family but mine as well. I pray every day that their mothers choices don't destroy my D's families as well.
What I'm going through is hard, it hurts some days and a little less others but it's what my D's have been and are being put through every day that is the biggest tragedy of all that our S's are doing. When we have kids we make a promise. We promise to put their needs ahead of our own, to make sacrifices at least until they are able to live on their own. When a M/F is in MLC, they can't think about what is best for anyone else, not even their own children. This, at least for me, is the biggest thing about my sitch that will be hard to forgive and forget, whether my W wakes up later or not. Of course they are the biggest reason that I have for moving forward, with or without my W. It's up to me to break the cycle in the hopes that my D's won't have MLC's of their own some day. Some days, it's the only thing that keeps me going.
OK, that's enough of the serious stuff! Time to get in a better mood!
Hoping eight is great!
I'm going to get off the ride and just watch the MLC show! I will be there close by in case my real H shows up.
Hey GB, moving right along aren't we!! 8 threads, wow, time flies doesn't it! You're going to be at a year in 4 months, me in 5 - seems like so much longer. I'm hoping that after the year anniversary it is an easier ride. I'm off the roller coaster but it still crosses my mind often enough. I love how you dropped the rope cirque de soleil style! this is a creative learning experience for all
keep up the good attitude
Hi DBers! (It's better than being referred to as the other dbs, right?). I just read a post Sandi made on another thread and it struck a chord with me.
I have referenced wondering if my h could ever really make changes. I think my changes have been fairly subtle, however they have given me a sense of peace. I know at BD, you are supposed to evaluate what was legitimate and make changes to those for yourself. I think I've shared that I really thought my we only had a SSM so when my h started listing some of his other complaints, although I did not see them that way (I didn't support him- and I paid 90% of our bills. And I was fine with that because someone could pick the kids up or stay home with them when they were sick. When he had an idea, I helped him research and told he told me what I would need to do to get it off the ground). I realty was okay with that. I thought that was what he wanted. However, to a very sensitive person with clinical depression I did not do a good job of seeing that EVERYTHING was hard for him. I always thought I was rather compassionate and perhaps that was something I could have done better. I should have spoken up about how my resentment was building because I literally did everything work, kid and housework wise with the exception to picking kids up from school. That's why when my h moved out, things seem more relaxed and I'm more relaxed than before.
I don't blame my h for his mental illness. I cannot imagine being him -he hated everything. Life is dark and although he's supposedly in love and happy he left, he still says the days are so dark. I tried to help so very many times. I simply loved him and did not want to have sex with him because I was very resentful and exhausted. I should not have allowed myself to get there. I should have spoken up and I did not. I know he felt *unloved * and * undesired*. In my mind, I did not think my h could handle my complaints. I dunno. And I admit, that as soon as h got a job (10 minutes from our house no less) I would have been thrilled for him. He said I was expecting him to be fired. However, he says that he has to watch himself because he used to yell at his boss and coworkers and he tries not to so he won't get fired. But it was like he was blaming me for getting fired on the past and that's ridiculous. . I don't know. For the last 5 years, he worked a total of about a year and a half.
Sometimes I feel like I could have done more, although I had no idea how to *work* on some of these things. Just rambling.
Happy to see some potential reconnections. Wishing everyone the best:-)
GB - my exH was a lot like that - I too did almost everything and resentment does build up and I didn't voice anything either. Feels like being a doormat, I felt I should have spoken up in retrospect but what's done is done. I was blamed for him losing jobs as well. You did what you could and don't blame yourself for this, I don't think any of us knew how to *work* on those things, we didn't even know that it was happening until after BD when we looked at ourselves. I too was much more relaxed when he moved out. Not immediately but i'd come home after work to just the dogs and it was so nice and quiet, no worrying about what mood he would be in and trying to make him happy and putting myself 2nd - mine was a bit of a narcissist to boot so that was an extra bonus. I didn't see it, couldn't see it until he left and I really looked from a different perspective. I know I did everything I could to work on it and I'm good with that now. I know inside he's a decent man going through something awful and I cannot help him. It's good for you to do all the introspection you're doing, part of the healing don't you think? It was for me - I'm still doing it, I guess we probably need to keep doing that to grow and stay on top of potential changes.
GB and TL- it's amazing how many similar characteristics so many of them have pre-mlc. I think it may show that some are predisposed to this. It is a difficult thing for us, to feel so hurt and betrayed, yet feel for them too because we care about them.
Don't beat yourself up about resentment and all that. I think it is human nature, no matter who you are or whom you are dealing with. If we had know it would have come to this, of course we would have addressed it sooner! Things would be way different. We took for granted that they would be there no matter what. Well, really, I knew I would be and I was committed and that I would never just walk away- especially without addressing something! So, I assumed that he was too. He was supposed to be. He should have spoke up if he felt "resentment" from me- not just bail!
It would have happened regardless. We are human and our intentions were good and pure. This is their rodeo.
amen sister!
It would have happened regardless. We are human and our intentions were good and pure. This is their rodeo.
Thanks for you insight and supportive words. I posted as I was in the parking lot of the court house wondering, ""how the pho did I get here??" Then I felt sad and went into the courthouse and found myself in a better place. I had to get a hearing date which is a formality (we've decided on everything so hopefully it's accepted), however it is a bit intimidating. The closest I've ever come to a courtroom is watching Judge Judy so I guess it's time to catch an episode of Law and Order.
Hearing date is Sept 9th. Clerk was very nice. Said I was the smartest and cutest person to be in there in a long time. I said," thanks and I'm funny too-a triple threat." I'm sure they see everything.
It is sad, however merely a business transaction at this point. Realtor coming tomorrow to list house. We are ready for "GB and the Kiddos Take Life By Storm-Part 2". Hopefully, Ryan Gosling is in this version.
Sending everyone positive energy:-)
Hopefully, Ryan Gosling is in this version.
Oh yes!!
Ummm.... I'm not going to fight with hww over h, but GB, it may be another story with Ryan Gosling.
On no fighting now!
H are not worth it if you have to fight over it.gb come to new comers we have a music thread now, it's noisy and loud!
WOW. A few posts up ^^^ Mighty hit the nail on the head - about taking your spouse for granted, assuming they would always be there, because that's the way WE felt. I was never going anywhere. I married for life, and I thought H did too. I have blamed myself for taking him for granted for a year now. It is time to stop beating myself up about it. Thank God for this board. I don't know about you all, but it has been far more helpful to me than my IC sessions. Thank you Mighty for posting that thought. It's like the sun just came out. Hugs to all tonight. Hallelujah.
Thanks everyone. I need opinions. As I've mentioned, I've never uttered a peep about OW. I wouldn't really know what to say anyway:-). However, as a result of that, OW's dad is an issue. As I've mentioned, he relinquished his medical license due to multiple allegations of inappropriate behavior with minors. I have consulted with attorneys, and feel I need to reiterate this is not acceptable to h. Although I doubt h will be parading the kids around, he could get a wild idea to show OW and her sleazy mom and elderly dad how lovely the kids are.
Do I wait until after d is final 9-9? Do I mention it now?
H, the safety and well being of he children is paramount. Please know that the children will not be near OW's dad due to allegations.
Something like that? I'm all ears. :-)
Hi GB, your kids safety is too important tolet it wait for a couple of weeks. Bring it up now.
Do the right thing by the kids and for the kids, GB. Now is the time to step up as a Mama Bear!
I'm assuming you've spoken to your lawyer and there's no legal restriction you can write into the divorce?
I'm with them GB. You may even need, depending on H's reaction to what you say, to put something in the final decree about keeping the kids away from a predator! You just can't count on the MLCer to do the right thing!
Thanks everyone. There is nothing that can be written in as it's kind of a fuzzy legal (at least here) as he was not charged. I believe there were civil suits.
Thanks for the advice. Will figure it out :-)
Well folks. I need to realize you can't have a conversation with h....right now.....perhaps ever.
He asked when we were going to start the everything other Saturday night thing. I said I was open to suggestions he said a date and I said that's fine. I do *realize* you can't have a conversation over text. However, I thought I would perhaps lay a little foundation? Probably a bad move. See below:
Me-h, the safety and well being of the children is our top priority. I hope that we both consider things carefully before introducing them to new people.
H-what are you implying? When the children are under my care, they are my ONLY concern and OUR children will NEVER be introduced to *NEW* people.
M-great! That's nice to hear.
And that's all for now. H doesn't pay any attention to the children when he's around them (this isn't mind reading-it's overt ). I assume him saying they are his only concern when he has them makes him feel better. He never looks up from his phone per the children. Not to mention how ridiculous it is to assume the children will never meet new people. I have a very difficult time communicating with crazy so I must rethink how to approach this.
It is a shame that there is nothing legal you can do . Since subtle suggestions are lost on him you will have to be direct. "I know the allegations against your gf father and do not want our children spending time with him. Can we talk about how this may work."
I realize that in his current state that may be useless but if there is no legal routes.. the lawyer said there was nothing? ?
Can you say you want to meet new people before the kuds do?
Hi Georgia!
Why is it their first thought is "What are you implying....."! They always seem to think that we are saying something bad about them or "implying" that they are somehow doing something "wrong". It seems like no matter what you say it's an insult. I remember saying to my W that I wish she could get home in time to have dinner with the kids more often and a week later my W says I called her a "bad mother"! Uh? I'm willing to bet she remembers it that way. When I said it she probably heard those words and not the words I used.
The defensiveness is a sure sign that he KNOWS that what he said is a load of CR@p! Man, this whole MLC, D, end of R, etc. would be so much easier if the MLCer could just have enough decency to do what is right at least where the kids are concerned! Amazing what MLC does to S's that at one time were really good parents!
Not sure how but I really think you have to find a way to get across to him he can't have the kids around this guy. It won't be easy but it is too important to just ignore.
And I never want you guys to miss a good laugh. H was going to take D to a movie last night (girlfriends classes have started back:). He asked if I was almost home. I texted traffic was bad and would be there in 15 minutes. When I got home, h had made himself a snack and was lying on the couch watching tv.
Excuse the snark. However, if I'm so terrible and have ruined his life, why is he eating my cookies? Crazy. Happy Friday eve!!!:)
Hi Georgia,
Just like my W coming over when I'm not there without even bothering to tell me. The last time the only reason I knew was because my D14 called to tell me because she felt it was the right thing to do! Here is my 47 year old W and her "step-mother" (OW that broke up her parents marriage) rummaging through MY home and it took a 14 year old to figure out they shouldn't do so without my permission! Her father and his OW from 30 years ago have never come out of their MLC's. All this time and they STILL act like spoiled children!
I don't know, Georgia, I think you should have asked him to pay for the cookies! You can't afford to feed an over grown teenager. You know how much teenager eat! It gets really expensive...
Matt,
If it were those divine Samoa cookies that the Girl Scouts sell, I think I would have not been as cordial as I am:-)
I know this sounds crazy and it's difficult for me to admit. However, sometimes I'm almost (I'm not sure that's he appropriate word) grateful this happened. I never wanted my family torn apart. I had no idea this would EVER happen. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with my h. This totally blindsided me and I'm pretty gosh-darn intuitive. Every once in a while...when I least expect it, I just know this happened for a reason. Not sure why yet.
It's horrible and I feel terrible for the people who join. I can't describe it. It's this feeling of something more? Or different ? Can't quite put it into words. It sounds weird.
You are probably a better version of yourself without him around.
I have had moments where I have felt the same. I also have begun to look forward to meeting the next man in my life
Yes, GB. I get it. Totally.
Nice weekend. Went to visit stbx ILs. I know stbxh is their son, however they have always been like parents to me. I'm sure that will change some, although they've been super supportive.
I ran yesterday and today. Yesterday it was close to 31,000 degrees. I assume what it felt like yesterday is equivalent to how it would feel to run on the surface of the sun:-). Took dog with me. He's a people magnet. He's tall (for a dog), dark, fluffy and handsome. What better company could I have asked for on my run??
Took D to Amish bakery and swam with S11. S4 was very demanding and funny.
Got a text from h asking me to take kids to school. So strange. I used to stress over what to say and when to say it. Now, when I I feel zingy (and I do have a good laugh at what he does and says-frequently) I just remind myself that it is very important for ME to feel good about the responses I send. And even a simple yes, can incite a cryptic response from h. I have zero control over that. Only me. And each day, I can put my head on my pillow and say that I was kind, gracious, and lived the best I could that day. That has nothing to with my stbx-that is who I am.
When I'm out and people chat with me, I'm reminded of how fortunate I am. I'm flawed. I can get a little anxious occasionally. I'm not impervious to sadness or fear. I'm just living the current hand I've been dealt. With 3 kids, a full time job, a dog, cat and hamster, I would say it's a full house :-)
I don't want to hijack anyone's thread (yes, I realize I do that and I'm doing my best not to anymore). I've been reading many threads and always respect everyone's opinion. I've seen reconnections (yay!!!) and so e faced with difficult choices. Here's the best part, regardless of which side of that fence you are in you WILL be fabulous:-). I've always thought piecing reconnecting looked tougher than surviving BD. I an quietly cheering you on. And for those facing D? It $u&ks doesn't it? I had to google to find out what this fully entailed and I will know more as I live it. However, you are not a failure. And 20% of couples that D remarry (I actually know a few) so as the wise ones say, keep the focus on you. You ARE worth it!!! I know it can be difficult to not get a wee bit bitter or angry. Work through it. It's normal. Your relationship status does not define the person you are.
Some of you are looking for jobs outside of the hem for the first time in many years or need a different job. I've worked in some shape form or fashion sense I was 10 an I wanted to share a story. 4 years ago I was working at a company that was struggling in a major financial way. I had been with the company for 12 years and recruiters and Hr in prospective employers thought I was a freak for being with a company that long. There had to be something wrong with me. I interviewed, interviewed and had more interviews for a year and a half. I literally had been up all night crying because I needed to support my family and leave the company due to it's perilous financial position. A recruiter called me for a position with a very sexy Silicon Valley company. I looked at their Board and these folks were Yale, Princeton, Forbes magazine fancy. Think pin strait hair, lithe figures, impossibly perfect noses and kids with hyphenated names at Chapin. (Nothing wrong with any of that. This is for illustrative purposes only). Me? There? I don't evening to comb my hair. I have football decor on my car. I could have gone to a fancy college, however I weighed the financials and said "no can do." Anyway, this position was coveted. They had over 80 people interview for the job. When I went for my first F2F interview , I was so nervous about my not so fancy yet nice interview ensemble and frizzy hair (darn you humidity!!!) that I accidentally drank out of the teapot versus the cup. Yes I did!! I was so afraid that I wasn't pedigreed enough or my work history wasn't eye brow raising enough. However, even though I may type grammatically incorrect, run on sentences, with typos on this board, I know I'm intelligent. I have a keen business mind. I KNEW that I could do this and knew my stuff. 3 weeks later I was told there had been no other choice other than me. Those other folks weren't even in the same ballpark said Harvard MBA hiring manager. My point is and there has to be one after all of that, is that I knew I could do it. Yes I had been deterred the year and a half prior and there was a reason this had to wait. I did it.
I'm no longer with said company although it was a phenomenal experience. Additionally, when people see my resume they say "oh wow. I see you were with x for 18 months." Don't doubt yourself. Heather, Shining, GGG, Maybell and so many others. You have so much to offer and you are a success.
My d9 gave me the ultimate compliment yesterday. She said, "mommy you always seem happy." (Happy. That word). I smiled and told her that I have bad days like everyone else. However, I'm blessed in so many ways and grateful for the gifts I have. I have so much to be *happy* about. Oh and I got some really cute boots for when it gets cooler on November:-)
Okay. Back to regular scheduled programming. I refuse to sign up for the MasterCard Victim In Life Rewards program. :-) Thanks to everyone for following along on my crazy thread. Happy Friday eve!!!
Wow. That was beautiful. And needed, for me. Struggling to find my self-worth and confidence this week. I know I had it here somewhere....
Thank you.
Why are we not more than virtual friends....
So thankful for this board, and for people like you, GB.
Thanks for the shout-out, GB.
Yes. We CAN!
---GGG
Oh my. I have been trying not to post about stbx and I cannot resist on this. He is going to x college town (where I went to school and gf goes) for the game. Stbxh did not go there. My goodness. I wonder if he's going to sit in the student section? Generally, adults that go are alumni or life long fans. Stbxh always made fun of "adults" who drank in the bars in said college town during game weekend.
I know they try on personas. It's like he's really trying to relive something with his gf and best friends who are 25. It's bizarre.
Oh well. We are finally getting ready for our yard sale next weekend and enjoying our pool. Happy Friday everyone :-)
Omg. I just realized a year ago today was our last vacation as a family of 5. I never knew a yr later I was going to get a D. I had no idea at the time that a few months later my stbxh said this vacation "traumatized" him at BD. He said he could never go on a vacation with kids again. To us crazy logical folks, it makes no sense. However, it is what it is. And what I'm most grateful I realized, is that stbxh is the example of "wherever you go, there you are."
Oh, my poor kiddos have been extra demanding lately. Older 2 need constant reminders I'm not leaving which is understandable. Little one asks many questions. "Why did you marry Daddy?" "Don't you love Daddy anymore?" Ugh. Hate those. I won't lie and am certainly not saying "sometimes grown ups grow apart" bs. I just answer as best I can.
My babysitter is home for college. Shhh. Don't tell the kids but I've arranged for her to come tomorrow night. A surprise for ME! If I told them now it would be mutiny and why can't they go with me.
Pool with peeps tomorrow during day. Football too. Although I will probably get to see some if Curious. George or Handy Manny plays.
Positive energy to all!
GB what is 'normal' to a MLCer is very strange to us. This trying to be young again is pathetic. Other people find it pathetic - except apparently the OW and their friendship group!
And yes events we thought they enjoyed apparently traumatized them. Tough on the kids, but they do survive. And not what we wanted.
I love your not signing up to the victim with benefits plan. MLCers sign up big time to the 'I am a victim please give generously' campaign (Nitty's h if just like my xh - the victim in all of this - the one who left, broke up his family and treated everyone horribly has transformed into a victim. It takes a special skill to do that one).
And worst of all they do not go away - just like the toddler who keeps running into the room to tell you he hates you! I suspect that Job is right in this too - they think about us a great deal more than we think about them, as time goes by.
Hi Georgia, just trying to get caught up on how things are going with you! You sound really good!
Did you get the situation with OW's F figured out? I agree with Julie up there (btw, hi Julie, how are you??) that you need to just be direct. Not demanding, necessarily, but very direct about the fact that it is not OK for the children to be around someone who is an accused molester.
I love that you have decided not to play the victim - I think that has been one of the biggest reasons I have been able to go from emotional rock bottom at BD to happy and moving on. Watching my XH play the victim has shown me an objective view of what that looks like, and it's pretty ugly. We do have to choose to march forward and choose to find happiness rather than stew in sadness.
It sounds like you and your H have agreed to everything financially and re: parenting time? That's great. I am sorry you have to sell your house. I have to do the same. I would not have chosen that route, but since the court has ordered it, I will make the best of it - I am sure that is what you are doing, too.
I should come over to the MLC board more often to see some of my old DB buddies! Not too many left on newcomers anymore.
Yes Melissa join us over here.
Georgia I love that your STBX is going to the college game and acting like college kid all over again. I could so not imagine living like a 25 yr old again or wanting that.
I look at my beautiful life with my kids and wouldn't trade it for 1 day of college.
Alcohol is a big part of my ex's MLC, it only makes the problem worse.
I have observed the same things in my STBXW. She acts like shes a young college kids again. And uust like Ms XH she plYs the victim in this ( "telling me...i lost my home and family...telling others she cant believe i actually moved on....") reality...you walked away from you home and family. You pushed me away and then said you did not want to be married anymore. You chose this life.
GB i am sorry for you pain at this. I can see that my children are beginnig to healt. I have made a conscious choice to lead them out of this place. Tbey seem to be responding to that.
GeorgiaBelle I'm late to the party but thanks for the encouragement! I'm glad you're doing things for yourself. Your kids will be great. They've got you.
Thanks everyone. I love everyone's insight, perspective, 2x 4s, encouragement....you get the point.
The universe spoke to me yesterday. I got out my engagement ring to see if I wanted to take the stones and eventually make something different with it. S11 asked me to come outside on the front porch so I put it on my right hand. He needed help untangling something. A bee hive is near the porch but we have left alone to preserve nature. So I walk outside in my very colorful dress and d9 comes outside and leaves door open. My children have some type of deficiency when it comes to closing doors and drawers. Bees became agitated and one got between bottom of foot and my sandal and you get STUNG. That hurt like. (Insert expletive). Worse 4 came in house. I manage to get stung on hand and killed another. So much for preserving nature. Babysitter arrives and she's about 8 inches taller. The last 2 had nestled in light. She jumped right in to help. Isn't that what you want to come home from college to-bee trapping? Anyway we managed to kill last 2 and I hobbled out to run an errand and lament the feeling of a nail in the bottom of my foot. No worries- I have hazard pay to sitter:-). I decided to put ring away. No need to stir a hornets nest. Bada bing!
And I know this was wrong (my bee sting was the 2x4) I had to know if stbxh sat in student section. And drum roll.....,, he sat in student section. Of course I did too. Until I was 21 when I graduated:-). Wow. Poor guy just seems.....pathetic. I would never say that of course.
Pool today. S4 is going to his dad's. Other 2 declined the invite. Bees beware! Hope everyone is taking a little time for themselves this weekend.
I have an issue. S4 went with his dad and asked if he could spend the night. Stbx said he had to work tonight and tomorrow. Older kids began jumping up and and down when they left saying "he's lying mommy! He's not working." This is not my issue.
I ran errand with other S and D. At lunch, they made the comment that their Dad said they have been eating too much lately. Both s and d have gained some weight since their dad's overt crisis began in 2013. S has some anxiety and stress eating as did D. I want the kids to be healthy, however I've not made any deal out of this. Certainly not calling them out on it as it's rather obvious why it has occurred. He also told kids I are too much sometimes. However, I just said, " I do indulge sometimes. I work out and try to be as healthy as possible." (I'm pretty gosh darn fit although not ready for the next Victoria's Secret catalog). Mentally I was thinking that I can eat better some days although I'm most happy to be sane. That's not very DB, huh? It bothers me because he sees them about 6 hours a week and to choose this one topic with them versus asking how they are (he's never asked ), how school is, etc just irritates me. For the record, he is not an Olympic triathlete. Yes, I realize I'm senstibr to this topic. I do not want the kids to obsess about this garbage like I did.
Which brings me to a call with my mom. I DB my mom big time. The call was generally pleasant until she said ,"how much does D weigh now?" I just said that I wasn't sure and we've been enjoying the pool and horseback lessons this summer.
WTF is up with people and weight? It never crosses my mind to ask people how much they weigh. I did talk to the kids doctor in private and he said it was not uncommon. I will not make a big deal about this. The kids are not obese.
D did say that I was too pleasant to their Dad and why didn't I call him out. I barely speak to him. I told her that I can only control me and I do what I think is best. My goal is one day to have a friendly R with their Dad. It's difficult right now as he lies about everything. As the vets tell me, this is who is now and I do understand that. Old stbxh would never have said something like this to kids. Grrrrrrr.
Hilarious! Stbxh had s4 for a few hours before, ahem, having to work. I check S's bag as I was getting a swimsuit out. Out drops a University of X Veterinary School t shirt. A said, "look what my dad got me." Hmmmmmmm. Wonder how he got that?
Stbx MIL asked me if she could burn it. Happy Labor Day:-)
Mmmmm, lovely about the shirt.
Such a feeling of being infiltrated!!!!
It should be a simple gift of a garment. But it's associated with so much that is wrong! I don't know how you kept your cool, but great job not losing it.
I like your MIL suggestion!
That your stbx is fixated on the weight thing is another reflection of himself. He is unhappy on the inside so he will focus on outside things that he thinks he can change.
You are doing the right thing not mentioning their weight gain to your kids.
The obsession and focus on weight is such a waste of time and energy. Encourage your kids as you do to stay fit and healthy with swimming and riding.
Let's review STBXH's state of mind:
-Tux t-shirts
-Spiderman t-shirts
-Vet school t-shirt
-Empty milk carton in fridge
-Candy wrappers dropped all over the floor
Yup.
The official diagnosis is that H is truly a teenager. He's Big from the movie working his way backwards.
So after recovering from my bee sting on the arch of my foot, I was attacked by wasps (I think) rolling out garbage can. Is this a $&@?ing joke? I have huge welts. I used some choice words for those $&@!ing bugs. Glad it wasnt any of the kids. A few swarmed dog. This was an angry bunch. Poor guy. He tried to get them off as I tried to blow them off him also. I blew on them, didn't swat, and these a$$wipes stung me anyway. So much for being kind and respectful. I took of all of my clothes in the driveway(they were all stuck on my dress) and jumped in my pool. Sorry if the neighbors were offended by the view. Bathed dog and ugh. I tried desperately to respect the Earth. I will continue to do so EXCEPT in this circumstance. Death to all insects near front door of house!!!!
Exterminator tomorrow.
Oh and I forgot s4 was yelling for me to make him dinner. I'm sorry my little sweetness. I just had to strip in the driveway because I was under attack!!!!
EEEK I am terrified of flying stinging things. TERRIFIED!!!!!!
I love the image of you stripping and jumping in the pool. LOVE IT!
Thanks for the reminder to take out my trash cans.
Ok, GB.... It's final. I'm running away. I'm moving to wherever you are to live your awesome crazy life
.
You sure keep me smiling on tough days.
Ha! I'm happy to provide some entertainment.
Shining, I didn't want to hijack your thread or anyone elses. I love reading info from the vets like Job, Beatrice, UR, Ellie, and of course Wonka's insight from "the other side." I'm such a nerd. I read everything. I read the encyclodpedias from front to back when I was a kid and haven't changed much in that aspect. Well, except most kids think encyclopedias are a new band created by Disney:)However, I point this out because I am so very logical that I often have an insatiable need to "understand why." I look at my stbxh as a case study now. Not very romantic, huh? I always think of that song "Somebody That I Used to Know" when I see him. So, when I read stuff on this board, I will jump in and analyze, however, I know that it changes absolutely ZILCH in my sitch. I had to let my stbxh go for my own well being and so that I could protect my children as best as possible while still reminding them how much their Dad loves them. Your feeling resonate with me so much so I wanted to share a few thoughts.
I knew something was off a few months before BD. I chalked it up to change in schedules due to h having a new job after not working for a year, him turning 40 and my dad's unexpected death. I was getting snippy too because he didn't do much housework ever, this dropped to a new low level with not even filling the dog's water dish. I was EXHAUSTED and brimming with that evil poison known as resentment.
However, very soon after BD, I started to realize this all had very little to do with me. I would squash that feeling and say, "no it had to be me. We had a ssm and we didn't have much alone time. I did put the kids first, etc." We had dealt with bouts of deep depression before but this one was different. His feelings of anger and disappointment were directed at me AND the kids. This was new so it had to be us, right? Still, that feeling kept coming up that it really wasn't about our M. While my stbxh did not attempt suicide (and I cannot relate to that) , I do know that helpless feeling of watching someone spiral and just stay in a perpetually dark place.
After 2 MC visits, both said our marital issues were totally normal and repairable. S said he didn't want the M to work. They requested to meet him several times by himself. His agitation rose, and he finally said, "cant they see it's all you? You have turned them against me!" It couldn't be him, could it? I told the MC that I didn't think h was in a place to work on the m. H said he wanted to stay in the house. I wanted that too except that I said we would split the bills equally. He told me that was ridiculous. And his behavior became increasingly bizarre and I became concerned for the our welfare.
Shortly after he moved out at my urging, I was watching from afar. Stbxh (we will call him S), has this very carefully orchestrated persona on Twitter. He is a devoted Dad because he tweets and instagrams pics of the kids. He was in a loveless marriage where we both wanted a divorce. We were staying together for the kids. He had been emotionally (haaaaaa!) abused for years and he just suffered through because he loved his kids so much. However, all of this was blocked from people who knew us both. Interesting, huh? Only new 20 something "friends" from work, or that he met on Snapchat or Twitter, or a few from highschool he has seen once or twice in 22 years. He announced he finally was turning into a a person he liked. Really? The most sensitive man in the world who cries at "The Notebook", kids movies, animal videos, etc is finally happy because he walked out on his family? He referred to us as the responsibilities and obligations and that he wanted to live like a college student. Then the epic breakdown a week later with the "I just want someone to love me. I just want someone to want me. I hate myself. I'm stupid." Enter OW. She Start new. Start fresh. She refers to him publicly as her "rescue". Heck she was tweeting stuff about me too. Only thing is that she doesn't know me:)
Friends reached out to me and said "you need to reach out to him." I didn't. And it wasn't because I didn't care. He didn't want my help because he sees me as the problem. It was very challenging because I had always "stuck by him" and "helped him through" his dark times. This is when I truly realized, he did *choose* this and it's time for him to embark on this journey. I am one of those who thinks h will marry OW. She bears an uncanny resemblance to his 1st wife and I think S was deeply affected by her leaving him. It appears he is trying to recapture that. And you know what? If that is what he needs to do then he needs to do it. I will continue on living my life and enjoying the craziness that is in it.
I see you as wanting to remind your h you are there. He knows that. I will be honest-I'm not sure if my stbxh thinks he can talk to me. However, there is no need for me to remind him of that because he is deeply immersed in OW. I don't know if he is on his meds. I know he drinks a great deal now. He never did that prior to getting on his meds. I used to worry about this stuff. Now I don't. It's not mine to deal with although I do have to keep an eye open for the safety of the kids. I don't ask because I wouldn't get a truthful answer anyway. I have the rest of my life to figure out what if any R I am supposed to have with S. And while occassionally that makes me sad, it is what it is.
When I came here, I was fully prepared to *wait* it out and support h through it all. He doesn't want my support or at least not openly. I really commend all that do stand and they certainly should continue to do so until they feel it isn't in their best interests. There is no legal S here-only M or D and finances are important for me and the children. I love reading about reconnections and am always happy for those that do. I also realize that MLC is very real, very destructive, and can only be addressed by the person going through MLC.
So I get the analyzing-I do. Mine is more from a fascination perspective at this point, although I understand you want to "be there" for him. You want to remind him that you love him and you want to R. He knows where you are . How to reach you. It's up to him to do the work. And counseling? He will need a great deal of C and would have to be ready to be honest and do the work. I don't say this to be discouraging, however that is a tall order for a person in crisis. Stbxh went to a C for a couple of visits at the request of OW. He always told me he wanted to address his feelings for oldest S, why he didn't likebeing a father, and his feelings of disdain for the kids. He said he went to see her to talk about "how horrible I was to him and what a terrible person I was." Oh, and I was the reason he wasn't a good father. I just smiled. He is nowhere near ready to address his issues and he may never be. Yes, I rambled to let you know I get it. I do.
Let him go......and look and live fabulously while doing so.
Thanks, GB. How are your welts today? And I'm looking online for some potential "leaked" photos of the driveway strip-tease....
You may hijack my thread anytime. I'll keep this breif so I don't hijack yours...
From what it seems, I am so much like you. I'm known as a complete research nerd in a cheerleader costume. If there is anything I hear that I don't know, I love to look it up. I can see myself evolving into less of an overly-attached-LBS, and more of a detached case-studier, such as yourself. I'm still just reeling and grieving. Stuck in fear. Wanting to cling and help a hurting man that I love dearly, but I cannot help. And I just miss him. I can't even look at photos from last summer without coming apart. And then, finding out I would need to find a new job was a huge kick in the gut on top of this. That took away any wind I had left in my sail.
I appreciate all the insight here so much. I'll keep posting, laughing, falling, overthinking, over analyzing....but I'll get through it. Somehow
.
Gb, new jeans for you. I'm writing a neg email to h.
I decided it would be a mlc master piece. I've mentioned pubes, chest hair, dust bunnies dental floss and a few other gems in the hope with humor h can be coxed out long enough to neg a settlement va email.
Victory over stinging insects (at least for now) and I do still have large welts. I realize I shouldn't keep a scorecard, however GB-1 with wounds and Insects-1.
NFL starts tonight....yes! Getting a little anxious about D hearing next Tuesday. I realize it's just a formality, however I just never wanted to see the inside of a courtroom. Some days I wish h would move to Mars. Wait, mentally he is already there.
Sure would like some positive mojo in selling the house. That would be a sweet, pleasant surprise. Maybe I'll crack out the magic 8 ball.
Didn't want to hijack anyone's thread and wanted to say something. Just remember that moving forward is not the same as giving up. Simply means you are living your life-just as you should.
Happy Friday Eve:-)
Hooray for NFL! I'm going to watch my Packers tonight... with some cajun crab dip and some beer. I've been working out all week to save up some calories for this.
I hope your D hearing goes smoothly. From what I hear it's pretty quick if you already have everything lined up, at least here it is. I would imagine there won't be any spectators besides other people who might have court times before/after. I also hope I won't have to be in a courtroom in that particular role. I have actually been in quite a few and witnessed several trials... I was a Legal Studies major and interned at a police department. I also sat with my H in court when he had his DUI hearing because he was so scared. It's funny that he says I wasn't supportive enough and yet I drove 3+ hours to take him to court for something he did that ethically I'm strongly opposed to. Go figure.
When you mentioned being there for your H during his dark times, it reminded me of that new Maroon 5 song, Maps, that you've probably heard becuause I know you know your top 40 ("I was there for your in your darkest times... I wonder where were you when I was at my worst, down on my knees, when you said you had my back"). Been thinking about that one a lot, actually. It could be one of the DB anthems.
I don't stop over here much because my H is a little young for MLC, I think ; ) but appreciate you commenting on my posts so wanted to see what was going on.
K-Girl,
NFL- YES:-). Enjoy the crab dip. I do a mean version of "Maps" in the car since fellow motorists can't hear me.
It sounds like you and your h had a dynamic where he had to be *in control." Let him twist since it's freedom he wants. Enjoy your you time!
Happy Friday DB posse! A few things...,
Took big kids out for breakfast before school. Someone paid our check. We reciprocated and paid someone else's. Grateful for such kindness in the world.
Will practice smiling at the hot guy downstairs today. I'm not rolling up on anyone. However, I must practice smiling at folks I'm attracted to. That percentage is minuscule (I got no probs chatting with anyone else-darn those people I find haute:). He may be married with 19 kids-no to ring and I know that doesn't mean anything. Just practicing the toothy grin:-)
And finally, s4 still poops in his pants occasionally (this won't be as endearing at 25). Older kids were telling me this am as I was getting him dressed that stbxh said that he if s4 would poop in the potty, he would take him to work so everyone could see what a great dad he was. And that sounds exactly like something stbxh would say now. Just have to chuckle.
Reminding myself to be grateful. Be kind. Live with grace and humility. Laugh. Love my kids and my life. Oh and love me. I'm worth it. Not my role to teach stbxh lessons. God and the universe will handle everything big.
Have a great day!
love your post GB - you have such a great attitude! I can relate totally to the reminders - about being grateful and kind, you ARE worth it. And the practicing smiling - such a small thing but I did that too - I had to remind myself that it's ok to just be you and open yourself up a little. I found that I had little to no eye contact with men let alone smiling for years and the divorce really opened my eyes! I started noticing them and vice versa, a smile goes a long way, even just being friendly. It feels good! Keep up the good work - great things are coming your way!!
Here's some information on Social Security to keep in the back of your pocket and stay mum, GB.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reward for delaying divorce
If you're not happy in your marriage after 9 1/2 years, hold off before hiring a divorce attorney.
"Stay married for at least 10 years," says San Francisco-based Bank of America personal banker Raphael Gilbert.
Why? That's what it takes to stake a claim to your ex-spouse's Social Security benefits. If you terminate the marriage after nine years and 11 months, you're out of luck.
If you make it for 10 years, you can collect a Social Security benefit based on up to half of your ex's earnings or on the basis of your own earnings -- whichever is higher.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bigger reward if ex has 'departed'
And we have another dirty little secret for you. If you haven't remarried, chances are your ex-spouse is worth more to you dead than alive -- especially if he or she was a high earner. Once an ex-spouse passes away, you'll be treated just like a widow or widower. If you are at least 60, you'll be able to collect your late-spouse's benefit and allow your own benefit to grow unclaimed until you reach age 70, when you can switch if your own is higher, according to Carol Thomas, who worked for the Social Security Administration for 28 years and answers questions about Social Security at RetirementCommunity.com.
Assuming your ex will dwell on Planet Earth to a ripe old age, the longer your ex-spouse delays claiming Social Security, the better it is for you. So, if you get a chance, encourage your ex to work until age 70. Then, when it's all over, you'll get to claim half of his or her maximum Social Security. Or once you and your ex-spouse reach full retirement age -- usually 66 -- you can claim half your ex's benefit and let your own grow untouched until you're 70, says Thomas. Consider it payback.
Thanks Wonka. We've been married for almost 12 years and at least he's employed now. Warning. After yesterday's good mood I'm going to vent.
I used to wonder how people could despise the person they were married to and had kids with. I understand now. I don't despise S. I wish he and his Billy Joel look a like gf would move to Mars. They have some type of life there right? I am very very angry right now that he left me with this old house with unfinished projects and a while bunch of $h!t I the yard. The house was shown last night and the feedback was that it needs work. No f$&king duh! It looks fantabulous compared to what it did. Graciously,S's parents paid for many of the repairs but there is so much junk to sort thru before a yard sale. There is a boat in the back yard. Never used. It's a junky boat but S wanted it just on case. Mmmm. Guess who gets to figure out how to move that? Correct. It's not h.
There is $h!t every f$@king where. Junk. I am grateful to have a good job. My kids go to school 30 minutes past my house so the commute home to get them and back home is 2 hours. I'm glad he shows up a few days a week to take them to school. I'm not giving him an award for spending 6 hours a week with his kids. He texted me this am to *plan* his week. Is that bad? I don't give a fig.
I really commend people who can see the good in their spouse right now. Theonly thing good I see is that he's gone and that gratefully I'm not him. I'm not sounding very compassionate right now.
I want to love and trust again. I do. It may be 20 years from now. I am unfortunately very resentful at this moment that I bought his clothes, told a$$ candle to take naps, etc. I knew he struggled with life in general with his mental illness. No, I'll wash the clothes. I'll clean the house. I'll pay the bills. I'll take the kids away for the weekend. Yes, I know it's stressful taking the kids to school. And this a$&hat had the audacity to say I did t support him and I doubted he would come through. Well guess what? He didn't come through except to leave when he got a job and go live like a child.
I'm sorry if my bleeped out language offended anyone. I don't want to be angry, resentful or spiteful. This will pass.
That was somewhat cathartic. Thanks for letting me vent
GB, I totally hear you. Wish I could help with the house. Very best of luck to you.
Gb. I hear you too. At this moment I see no redeeming qualities in h. Shout it out here. Then let it go. Tomorrow is another day.
I was glad to hear your rant.
I concur with the no redeeming qualities.
Any way to make the old house work for you versus selling it. I have been reading a lot lately about how the suburban model of living is outdated and it is not working for many nuclear families. This has spurred a revival in urban areas and also multi generational living. I know living with your mom is not an option but do you have the room, basement or spare room to let maybe a college student (no not your H) live rent free and do stuff around the house to prepare it to sell.
I dream about creating a Kate and Allie living style with my kids. I don't have the room for it right now but I imagine having my single girlfriend and her son live with us and we can share the house work and take turns going out. Also just share in the emotional stuff too.
Obviously you will figure the sh$t around the house but I agree it totally $uc#s doing by yourself. Having 3 kids and a full time job is enough.
Your ex is a loser
Thanks everyone. BK, I would have no problem staying in this house if my kids could go to the zoned public school. They cannot. My daughter struggled as did my son with a severe learning disability. It is one of the worst schools in the state. I appealed to the school board, wrote letters, and even sent a power point requesting a transfer to the other public school ( one of the top 30 in the state) but I was denied. I tried again. I was rather relentless. I found a private school where S got a full scholarship and thought D would blossom. Problem is the school is 30 minutes in the opposite direction of work. Traffic some days is the work of Satan.
We cleaned some rooms. Threw some junk away. Watched one of my all time favorite movies with the kids tonight-"Born Free." Love that ! S4 wasn't terribly impressed but s11 and D were.
Still have a bunch of junk to get rid of. However , I'm getting there. I will not be a victim. No sir. Hails to the no. God and the universe are with me. I will be better.
Thanks to everyone here for listening to me prattle on and on and on.
GB - your post made me smile - not for your pain but just to know a little what you feel. I, too am so worn out with S**t around the house. My H started all these projects a year ago and the house is in great need of many repairs and I get to be the one to figure it all out. I told him when he left to take all his stuff and he said he didn't have room to put it all - well - that's what storage units are for. Now with the weather turning cold it will be interesting to see if he asks for his coats and winter clothes. I just want to take all his crap down and throw it out - I have projects of my own to do. I feel like I have been nothing but kind and caring to him and frankly I am sick and tired of it. Mine takes the kids to school in the am too and I guess he thinks he deserves an award for that. Give me a break - I have 3 kids too and it is plain crazy getting it all together just to survive day to day and when I asked him if he could watch them on Thursday and Friday - that was "too much" for him. MLC or not - just man up - but they are incapable of that and I am tired of giving a pass for all of the BS behavior and lack of. I refuse to be the victim as well - you know regardless of how stressed we are - you are in a better place than he is - you are strong, taking charge and moving forward. Every one of them should be so grateful they have anything like us to even consider standing for them. Some days I just daydream about the time when they "wake up" and realize the devastation - who knows if I will be around to see it but just knowing that one day may be coming is somewhat soothing at times. I hate when those feelings take over but I get so worn out with being sympathetic and caring and the only one fighting for my family life. Sorry to vent on your thread but realize you are by far not alone.
((((GB))))
I was wondering how you stay so positive all the time. I'm glad you let go of some of that anger! Clark has done the same thing to our house. So many projects that have to be completed before any thoughts on selling (which won't happen since my parents own the house).
It's so hard to see good in our MLCers. We understand that this is a mental breakdown and we do sympathize, but those baby steps just don't feel as good as they should when the cr@p they are putting us through seems so high.
I know this will be an emotional week for you. I wish you the best of luck Tuesday!
Thanks Tuff and Ats. I'm sorry you find yourselves here. I do appreciate your kind words. It's not always a party is it? A year ago if I had read these stories , I would think "that's impossible. No way could a spouse or SO act or say that." Very valuable lesson learned.
I'm not always positive. I think I've just accepted this sitch. It doesn't make sense but I realize that is pointless to expend energy on trying to logically piece this together. That crazy logic. As Job says, I do think the answers will come one day.
I follow many sitches on here and they are unique, yet the script is pretty much the same. I did a pretty good job DBing while my h was on the house post BD. I took the things that bothered him and did a 180. For example, he said he hated it when I asked about work because I just thought he was going to get fired. (He has been fired from every job he's had since we were married).i no longer ask about work. Plus, his boss is having an affair with one of the employees and all of the other worked except for owner are in their20s. He took all of their advice so not much to discuss there. He said I doubted his word. He was having an EA at the time so I never have mentioned OW who he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with to a friend. We used to discuss family. He hasn't spoken to his parents since Jan so that topic is moot. He said he hated that I didn't intervene when kids were being difficult. No 180 on that. He left so his relationship with them is his own. He said I put the kids first. Totally true. However, my kids were blindsided by this so they need me. I cannot not focus on them now. This totally rocked their world. Plus he would never do anything with is as he would view it as cheating on OW. He has asked about kids 3 times. Once he asked what s4 was doing (his buddy) and the other 2 times he asked kids to call him. We used to share photos and funnies about kids. He cut photo stream when he moved out so I don't share pics or stories. He has only done one thing around the house since moving out. The toilet overflowed and he put towels down. I thanked him for doing so and he tweeted (I still checked then) that this was part of why he left and he was happy to be done with this. Also, we did have a SSM. Not much to do with OW.
The last conversation we had was at Starbucks when he stated that part of the reason our M failed was that we didn't have enough joint assets. I failed DB miserably and said. "Looks like that was the right decision." We have a house with no equity anc lots of issues and 2 cars. That's it. Not wealthy by any means. I hope I don't sound defeatist, however at that point I just decided to let him be. I'm still cordial and am polite in correspondence. Typical of our m, I paid to file and have done the leg work. I thought about letting him handle that as that would have been a 180. Doesn't really matter. He told mutual acquaintances we were divorced back in spring and others that I was dragging the D out. I'm happy to have a good sense of humor.
I never thought he would behave the way he has. That's why I decide to just let him walk this journey. I hope I don't sound like I didn't live my h- I did very much. I just have to let him be. I have zero control over him. I spent a great deal of our m trying to fix and offering up solutions. He always said, "if he did x, then I would have to do y." In my mind, I was trying to help him do what *made him happy.* Nada.
This whole experience has been an eye opener. I was never in control. I didn't know that. Now I do. I'm still fiercely independent. I'm
flawed. I've learned a great deal. I no longer react. I respond. I always felt like I had to justify everything. I'm geting better with that. I felt this insatiable need to be right. Now, my boss even laughs at me. When I'm wrong, I just say. "I was wrong." Or when I make a mistake, I just say "I'm sorry. That was my fault" or adrees the mistake specifically.
Divorce won't make me happy. At this point, it's a business transaction. I like me. I'm still flawed although I think I've made some positive changes. I'm not interested in fixing anyone. I'm still a good person and a pretty gosh darn good mom. I can be better. I will be better. I get tired and I figure I will rest when I'm dead. It's difficult to recharge as many of you can relate when you have the kids full time and whether you are a SAHM or work out of the home as well. I find little ways. And laughter. Lots of laughter. I'm not giving up my warped sense of humor. It keeps me sane.
Good morning, Georgia.
Boy, It's amazing how much everyone here's stories and feelings match. The details are all different, but the scenarios are very much the same. It sounds to me like you are processing the fact that you now realize that it's right and truly over. The end of your M and the life you had, all the plans for the future for yourself and your kids is done. It's a weird feeling, I know. Part of you is glad it's over and you can move on. Part of you is (still) sad, still cannot understand how things changed so much so fast.
Last night, after spending most of the day with my STBXW and D14, I started thinking about how, some day in the not too distant future, I'll be a grand father. I thought about how different that is going to be now that my W has D'd me. Every event will have some kind of oddness. D's will get married some day and instead of sharing something as wonderful as that as a family, there will be awkwardness... will W be remarried by then? Will I be? How will D's feel about things like my W bringing an OP? Will any OP that she brings into my D's lives be kind and caring? No funny stories about mom and dad' marriage as it will be a subject that makes everyone feel odd. It all just seems so un-nessicerry, so wrong. These are the kind of things that will always be there, always be effected by the crazy actions and choices that our S's are making now.
You have used this sitch to make yourself a better person. You have risen above the pain and despair. You are a darn good person, Georgia. You are also someone that has been tested hard by life and you are coming out passing with flying colors! Keep laughing, keep that "warped" sense of humor (I have one as well and love other people who share that). The fact that all of us here have worked so hard to not only try and keep our M's but to make sure that all of those affected by the craziness come out OK like the kids, show that we are decent, caring people. We still care about our S's even after all they have done to destroy the things we held most dear. We care about our kids and how they will get through all of this. Contrast that to the MLCers who can't seem to care about anyone BUT themselves. To the people who would have reacted to the pain caused by our S's with hatred and acting out of their own and you see that we are all good, decent people who have had something horrible thrust on us and we are dealing better than most would!
Enjoy the first Sunday of football season. Now if I could only find a way to watch my Eagles down here in Cowboy country......
Wow! I just found the ghost journal I kept daily after BD. There is some crazy caca in there. Now, almost 9 months later I feel pretty good. I'm sure I will be sad tomorrow. I hope that all goes well and it's quick, smooth, and finished. I know I'm not finished with stbxh-just feel kind of embarrassed with his behavior and I'm married to him. That sounds very superficial I suppose. I just remember when I started hanging out with h, everyone said he was such a great guy. Not to miss out. I am grateful for my time and 3 beautiful babies. This is not an ending I imagined. Now I think, "this guy? Really?"
Fingers crossed for tomorrow.
Wishing you well tomorrow. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers that everything goes smoothly for you.
Praying all goes well for you.
Keep up the good work, whatever happens you can handle it.
Thinking of you. Hugs for tomorrow ((((GB)))))
Thanks everyone. Today was my first and hopefully last day in a courtroom. It was very "My Cousin Vinny" like. I sat through several civil cases as mine was last on the docket. Let me just say that tube tops don't feel appropriate for court so says the fashion police.:) And after listening to a few cases, I reminded myself how much I like being boring. Pass the wasabi not the drama. Everything went well.
I was a bit nostalgic last night and prior to court. However, it was just a business's transaction. H didn't show. I wish you guys could see my not terribly surprised face. Speaking of, I have in my mind what some of you look like. You can tell me your celebrity look a like if you want. Sounds fun.
I'm not happy about it or sad. It was something that needed to happen for business purposes. It's not the end but rather a new beginning. I haven't always mastered this although I remind myself of something that is important to me. Each night I when I *finally* put my head on the pillow, I want to rest knowing I did the best I could and I feel good about the way I conducted myself. That goes for life in general.
I'm always overwhelmed by the goodness of everyone here.
GB, it's so good to read your update. I'm glad it went well, and that your humor is most definitely in tact.
I like the celebrity look-alike idea.... I'm going to have to ask some honest people, because I know I would answer with the person I WISH I looked like
I'm glad the court hearing went well. You have done the best that you can w/the situation. Yes, a new beginning is now on the horizon and I know you will be just fine and the world is out there w/arms stretched out waiting to embrace you and your family.
GA, it's a new chapter and one that you get to write the way that you would like it to be.
Take care of yourself and I do hope that you will continue to post as your journey is not over yet.
(((GB))),
Honey, time to pick up some new lipstick and start off on the right foot on your new journey!
You've grown tremendously since you've joined here and I remember your early posts. Tremendous growth right there, baby!
Such a shame that sbtxh prefers Spiderman t-shirts over a real diamond that you are, GB.
Wonka I am totally into the new lipstick idea. That is always my little splurge when I need a pick me up.
I think I kind of look like an out of Africa Meryl Streep mixed with a little Mia farrow
Thank you Shining ( who do you wanna look like???), Job, Wonka, and BK. I always appreciate your posts. Thank you for always taking the time to read my crazy. I hope I've grown and made some positive changes and yes, a new journey begins. Wonka and Job, I appreciate your wisdom and taking the time to post to me. You both always stick the landing:-)
Mia Farrow/Meryl Streep, BK? Great combo of bone structure. I get a lot of (and I want to be clear that she has a much better nose and body than me) Drew Barrymore. It's the bohemian thing.
Dusting myself off and looking for what makes me glitter.
Dusting myself off and looking for what makes me glitter.
Georgia, I think glitter is coming out your pores. You may not see it, but we can. A toss of your head, brings a storm of glitter. You are producing your own glitter. And, if your ol' H can't see it...well, how sad for him. He must be blind to glitter.
If someone can't see my value, they must be blind.
Aaaaggghhhh!!!! My kids are not even funny. I asked them all to tell me what celebrity I look like.... I should have known better. They think they're brilliant.
S18 said Rowan Atkinson. (Mr Bean.)
S16 said Morgan Freeman.
S18 said Mom.
D13 said Belle from Beauty and the Beast....
Then they decided all together, Tina Fey.
I would have gone with Sofia Vergara....lol. M
Uh, Oh, Shining,
I have had a "thing" for Tina for years now! There's just something about her, I have always liked smart, funny women. I think you should be very happy that your kids see you like that! In the past I have gotten Michael J. Fox but I just don't see it!
Hey, I stopped by. ((( )))
Hey GB noticed the change in your signature and then read your update., you have handled yourself with maturity and grace and I am sure will continue to do so.
((gb))
Shining..... I LOVE TINA FEY! She's brilliant! She's my idol! (weird for a 37 yr old to say she has an idol, right?) Well, regardless.... I LOVE TINA FEY!
Thanks everyone! Can I say something as honestly as possible? Occasionally, it feels like a lifetime ago that I was with xh. It's very odd.
I have been decluttering my house and still have a long way to go. The feedback from one agent was "extremely clean. (She must need glasses ) but waaay too many toys. Yes. Perhaps she would like to remove them and see what kind of reaction s4 gives her??? Another agent sent feedback of "too many projects!" Tell me about it sista! That's why I want to sell it!!!
Today was the first time that we were going to follow the parenting plan. Xh was supposed to get them at 9 and D texted him that was too early. He said 4 was better for him:-). S11 refused to go and xh said he was sick of his kids not wanting to spend time with him when he wanted them too (very telling statement). I just smiled, told them to have fun and hopped in the car. Did I tell you guys the judge from my hearing came out to chat with me? Very nice man. And he wore a bow tie.
Been busy with S11 decluttering , throwing stuff away, and trying to make the house look inviting. Watched some football and took s11 to dinner. He is so cute. I refer to him as the missing member of One Direction. And practiced smiling and saying hi to everyone. This is not difficult unless I find someone attractive (you know the "oh he's cute" kind of attractive) which is like .001 percent of the population. I gotta practice though in case I decide to try to date again. Just typing that made me queasy. Yikes!!!!!
I appreciate everyone's support. So glad I found this board. Hugs and liberty heel stretches to you all:-)
That is the SECOND time I have done that. Sorry GB!! OMG... I need a vacation. I am a loser.
No apologies!!! I think Tina Fey is adorable. How fitting that Is Shining's celebrity twin. And your celebrity look a like is who, Might???
I've been told Sarah Jessica Parker. Its funny when others make comments about her looks (usually not good) I laugh bc I've been told that for many years. I can see maybe a little, but not entirely.
I love SJP. In it's natural state, I have similar hair. Lucky you. She's a cutie!
Ummm.... hello? Drew Barrymore?! Adorable!! Now I could totally see you rockin' the maxi!
GB - you sound so good and ready to just move on - so proud of you after 9 months. And with 3 kids - me too - it is a crazy life and i have to repress my anger from taking over but then think I am just grateful to have them - they really do light up my life. Please keep posting and let us know how your new chapter takes effect. It is still so surreal at times to think of a future without my H but I think it is peeking through the clouds a little more with each passing day.
Thanks Mighty, Tuff and Paul. Because I never want anyone to miss a good laugh, I asked xh not to bring kids back until 4 as house was being shown. They were back at 2:45. He said they wanted to come home, s4 was cranky , and his phone was dead and needed to charge it. Alrighty then.
Here is the laugh. D9 was texting me last night that her Dad said when we moved he wanted to move closer to us. He lives 5 minutes from us now. Internally I was wondering If he is thinking next door,? I didn't respond to her text and then she sent a text saying he wouldn't mind living next door or across the street. Yes. That's exactly what I would love. I said nothing to D.
Oh my gosh... can you imagine?! Maybe he wants to keep tabs on you?! Or have easy access for dropping off the kids as needed. Maybe he wants you to babysit during his time with the kids!
I perish the thought!
Mighty,
Since xh moved out, we've had exactly one conversation. Since that time, I've always been pleasant. I made a decision that I would treat him like any other friendly acquaintance. I bake cookies and if you are in my house, I will offer you one. He told me after BD that he wished I had an affair while we were m (what???) and all
kinds of crazy stuff. Nothing indicates he thinks about me, ever thought about me, has ever questioned his decision or anything of the sort. However, (and this is mind reading) I would be wiling to bet my booty that he hasn't thought that (gasp) I might consider a R with someone in the future. Xh has a tendency to think no further than the top of his nose. Oh well:-)
I've been furiously making the house look like one of those options on House Hunters. If only I could blindfold everyone coming in for a look see,,,
Ha! My H said he hoped the older couple that lives next door would die so he could buy that house and our daughter could run back and forth between the two homes. I told him I wasn't interested in watching women come and go from his place, and that he probably wouldn't want to see men coming and going from my place. What kind of delusional state do these men live in? And hello? Wishing our neighbors dead? Who is this person?!
At least you got a little chuckle out of it. Sure, let him move close by and see you GAL and dating!
He told me after BD that he wished I had an affair while we were m (what???)
Oh, yuck! That's terrible! You know, xh hit a point where he didn't seem to show interest in me either. He said I need to "forget about" him. I think it was his guilt. However, when we went on our family vaca in Feb (the one he tried to cancel bc of ow, whom I wasn't aware of at that point-denial!), I had birth control pills. Obviously, I hadn't had them in years bc of our sitch (vasectomy, reversal, trying to get preg, told cant.... blah, blah, blah). Anyway, I had gotten them, you know, to control the monthly visitor for vacation (which I'd never done, but I was trying to save my m!)
So xh saw them and called me out to the living room of our condo in the middle of the night (we had separate bedrooms there- not planned that way originally). He was asking me why and he seemed concerned that I was with someone or something. He didn't say much, but was asking without trying to make a big deal about it. He was very serious though. Well, needless to say, it was a few days after we got back that I got the text saying he was pursuing d. He and hww were, I think, pretty hot and heavy then (hindsight).
My point is, even though he never ever showed it, and I though he was one who would feel less guilt if I had messed around, when it came down to it, I think it really did bother him. Outside of that, he acted like he didn't care. But I know who lives inside of there. Even if HE doesn't!
And the irony, I believe it was right around the time we got back from vacation that hww got preg. I should have given her the pills! UGH!!!
GB, Maybe you are just so darn nice, he'd love to have you as a neighbor. I would- you rock! (and...I like cookies!)
FYI- This was NOT intended as a hijack... I was trying to make a point and I am so darn long-winded these days!!