I've been posting on the newbie forum and not getting any real feedback. Maybe I'm on the wrong forum!?
Here is what I'm thinking, also coming from retrospect....
I think H has been MLC for 3 years, but I want to make sure this is what I'm truly dealing with, or if I need to approach differently.
May 2011- I'm working at a trauma based residential center and go to a training to discover, I'm not giving my family or myself self care. H is head coach for then S7 football team and gathering coaches and team mom.
June 2011- family vaca to DW. H and I argue a bit, which is unusual for us, and over petty stuff!
July 2011- H buys a new jeep wrangler, grandmother passes away and he is emotionally pulling away (I'm now aware of my emotions). Stops wearing ring.
Aug 2011- H tells me he isn't happy and needs space..pulls further away. I confront and admits he is in love w/ team mom and ILYBNILWY and wants D. I begin IC. Told H I needed out of job.
Sept 2011- since H announcement and my own emotional issues, I gave notice w/o talking to H. 30 day notice required. I was diagnosed PTSD and the stress of pending D retriggered. H moves in with M friend.
Oct 2011- we tell kids that H is moving in with friend. Split custody with kids and I begin to seek alternatives. Discover another program and begin the "pursuing". MIL diagnosed with breast cancer. I thank OW via Facebook message for opening my eyes. She denies R.
Nov 2011- S7 football team has out of town tournament. H wears ring and acts as if we are still married. We still have sex, even though it feels wrong. invite H to Xmas shop on Black Friday (tradition of ours). MIL has surgery this day also.
Dec 2011- MIL tells H to bring me to see her at hospital, that weekend H moves back home. Holidays take over and we pick up where we were. H buys a dog (I've been fighting since I'm allergic, but cave).
Jan2012-Jan2014- now that I've looked back I'm still seeing that he was showing signs, but at home and happy. More recently H is shaving body hair, getting tattoos, gaging his ears, decided to go to grad school (we decided to wait until I was done...nope), complaining he's too fat, doesn't like his job, got laid off after 10 years and starts new job that he doesn't like.
Feb2014- I start next round of classes and begin to get sucked into it...lots of busy work no real time for family. Have nice v-day, writes love letter saying he knows I'm not perfect but loves me and all my support helping make him a better person
March 2014- guy we went to high school with has freak accident and passes away (same age as H), begins to pull emotionally away, I admit that I'm unhappy because we don't spend time together...my LL.
April2014- H pulls away further, and ask what's wrong...I need space and time to think. I knew what was coming. Big fight over Easter weekend...more me than him- h gives woman a hug (I didn't know who she was, but he didn't give me any affection when he had come home from his activity that day), then S gets sick and we can't go to MIL- h whines and I send him. Stopped ML.
May 2014- iLYBNILWY, I'm unhappy and I don't find you attractive. Immediately begins staying with friend.
When I've asked him his reasons for not wanting to work on our M he says that he regrets that we didn't D 3 years ago. WTH...I received a love letter on V-day along with a poem, but his excuse was I just made that up. I've been unhappy for years. What can I do to be a better W...you're like your dad and don't finish things (I think this is projection because he has many projects at home started but not finished), and also that I'm always trying to "fix things" (again I think he is saying I'm trying to fix him).
I did not plead with him and we had a good conversation (my 180). I unfortunately tried the other program again...he found manipulative and said, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore.
I've been doing well lately but I guess I'm wanting to know if he could truly be in MLC. We haven't argued or disagreed since May. H has not mentioned R or D in awhile. Does mention tidbits about Atty but I've not been given anything. Most of his stuff is still at home, looking for his own place, but I strongly feel that he is not where he says he is. I believe there is an OW, but I'm not snooping because I really don't want to know. I feel I've detached quiet a bit...still a work in progress. We started having sex again this week...with him prefacing it with, this doesn't change things. I'm screwing up and I know it, but I just can't help myself!
Sorry it's so long, just a lot going on.
Please advise...I'm saving up for db coaching soon! I'm up to chpt 6 in dr.
Welcome to this board.
Link to you thread in newcomers
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...449#Post2467449The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1539436#Post1539436Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sounds like a very classic case of MLC. So sorry your are here but honestly these boards saved me.
As you already saw once he cant come back until he goes through this. Whatever this is.
You need to focus on yourself and your kids.
Treat yourself to nice things that you enjoy, whether its a new outfit, mani & pedi, massage, a sitter & dinner with a friend... you need to take care of yourself first.
Also get a hobby that puts you in contact with new people. Playing an instrument, or a sport, met up groups. Focus on you!!
Post often about anything bothering you.
Thank you cadet and bm,
I've done a lot of reading on the MLC boards and have read most of those links. It stinks having your life flipped upside down for so long. I hate that I didn't catch the MLC until June of this year. I saw signs of depression, but didn't connect everything.
So I briefly saw H when he dropped S off from football. H hasn't felt well this week. For some reason, I guess to gain sympathy, he told me he wasn't staying cause he needed to go to the dr. Ok...go. I didn't really say anything, but maybe I should have. I feel like I'm starting to develop some resentment towards him.
I'm doing well detaching, but he doesn't spend time with the kids, who seem ok for now since they are usually out and about in the neighborhood. This weekend S starts football games. It's opening weekend and H is a board member of the youth league. I get it, you need to step up and support the league and community, but seriously can you not take 3 hours out of a 2-day event to take your kids to a birthday party? This is during one of my only times I get me time...hiking with a meetup group. I'm with the kids 24/7. I need a break too!
Sorry just venting here...smiled and told H don't worry about it, I'll get someone to pick them up.
I can't wait until school starts so I can actually be distracted with other things (I work for the school system, and am really missing work. I know, who would miss working during the summer? Someone who needs more distraction and activity for her wandering mind!)
Thank you for the advice and ears (eyes...lol).
I know so many Moms in my 'hood that dread the summer. Its sometimes harder for moms.
Keep focusing on yourself and taking extra special care of you.
Also even though your H is missing sometime with his kids, missing them may trigger his wake up call, you never know. It is really his loss.
Atsababy, this summer has been HORRIBLE for me.
Long story short- I switched careers riiiiiiiiiight before H walked out. So now I'm unemployed, single mom and full-time student LBS. All of those things are manageable, except this summer break has been brutal!!!!
Way too much free time- too much time to "think". (Although therapy-wise, I guess I have been forced to face the loneliness head-on. I'm hoping that was a healthy thing!) 18 days to go!!!!
So, I totally understand wanting school to start back up. It is a nice distraction!!!
Hi artsy,
I'm glad to know I'm not the only one feeling like it has been a really really long summer!
I had a nice gal with the kids today. I met up with a friend who I used to work with and she was there for me 3 years ago...she was going through a split with her significant other also. It was nice to catch up and her kids and my kids had a blast playing.
I was a little bummed that H didn't call or text (one of my goals is that H will call or text each day, to show that I am making progress). I got home and noticed 2 missed calls from him! I really wanted to call him, but thought, if he really wanted to talk he could have called my cell or left a message. 20 minutes later he called again. Goal completed!
Anyways, H comes home from his training tonight and is in a mood. He was talking about pics I took for another coach and if I could print an extra one, then told me that he said I could. The other coach told him thanks you're great but your wife is awesome. H said "well you can have her." I let it go.
H began talking about his training and then talked about what was going to happen with him this weekend. While we were talking, H dad calls me...what? I answer and talk with him (whole other story). H mentioned to FIL that I was willing to help him if he ever needed it. FIL was concerned regarding our sitch and how H would feel. H proceeded to say that we were friends and it wasn't a negative split...wait, we haven't split or really done anything (only believe 1/2 of what they do and nothing of what they say). I took this opportunity to take the dog for a walk.
I was impressed that H was actually still home when I returned and stayed another 30 minutes. Even though I didn't like all the self talk and negative comments, I still see a baby step in here! One more day down on this loooooong journey.
So just some background on FIL...
D MIL when H was 9. It was really ugly and H actually has repressed memories from childhood...clue #1 that MLC was going to happen. I did mention to H a few years ago that he should talk to someone about that..." No, I don't need to. I'll be fine."
FIL wasn't really there for H. H feels neglected and abandoned...clue #2. FIL came to 3 of H football games during the 4 years he played in high school. This is huge b/c I got yelled at a few years ago and then have it thrown in my face repeatedly (even though it was H suggestion), that I need to come to my S practices. I was in school, which H supported and H said "don't worry about coming to practice. It's silly for you to be there, just be at the games." WRONG...H is projecting this resentment toward me. I notice I actually get it a lot.
So I bring this up cause of the FIL call last night. H was ranting that he only calls when he needs things and even though his sons are the most important things in world to him, they never hear from him. I validate H and empathize. " I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry your dad hasn't really been there for you and is treating you this way." H says, "it is what it is. I got over it." Ummmm, no you haven't!
FIL forgot H birthday the past 4 out of 7 years. H is always being called by younger brothers name (H is middle son, younger brother is from a different R). FIL actually only calls H when he needs something. I could go on and on...
FIL is diabetic and doesn't take care of himself, left leg amputated above knee. He fell last year and was on the floor of his apt for 3 days before someone realized this. H found him...fear that he will find F dead in the apt. We tried to get him into a nursing home, but FIL fought tooth and nail. Moved FIL to apt close to our house (ironic that h left the following weekend, huh?)
Sorry for the rambling. I felt I needed to get it out of me. H is holding onto a lot and I wish he could see it as clearly as I can. I do now realize that it's FIL that H is treating me like. I did make this comment to him a few weeks ago and H has been more friendly, which is why I was wondering if he was MLC. As I keep thinking and figuring out my sitch, I realize H is in mild MLC compared to some, but no matter how mild or severe, it hurts like he!! from the rejection.
No more sad talk, time to GAL and get ready for S first football game
H called to ask if I'd heard for his dad. I had told h I would call him if I had, hope this was just an excuse to call me. We then talked about a couple random things re football.
I get s to the field and h is calling at exactly 4... Where are you? We're here...good lord! As s was getting his gear gathered, he noticed us lost his mouthguard ( we go through these a lot!). H and I retraced our steps and I found it. On our way back to s, we were talking and I was thinking how h has started to turn his focus on kids....nope. H interrupts me while I'm talking about s, and starts saying hi and joking with other coaches. Jerk! I never finished my comments...his loss.
S had a good game, first time being on the line (he's only 92 lbs going up against kids 2x his weight). He made some good tackles, but took a tough hit and complained of a headache last night. I think we're good though, no concussion type symptoms.
H called to tell kids goodnight, and then an hour letter texted me thanks for getting another kids birth certificate...I did this for the kid, not H. I didn't respond until this morning. No word from him, but I don't really expect it.
Off to do some homework and go for my 4 mile hike with strangers!
Atsbaby, It sounds like you are making really good choices in how you are handling the sitch. Please don't underestimate the severity of your h's crisis. I did this... people often told me it would get much worse before it got better. I denied this thought to some extent.
I am not saying that it will get worse for you, or that your sitch is like mine, but just be careful. I think being hopeful is wonderful. Be hopeful for the future. I held onto every little bit of hope with his contact. This is where I messed up. I should have let it go, totally. Don't try to read into all his contacts. Let it go. Let him make his journey, as you do yours, and be hopeful that it will come out good on the other end (which it will for you, no matter what!). Your h has some stuff to work out and is not thinking clearly or towards the future. He may talk like he is, but he is acting in the moment and will for awhile. Let him (which sound like you are), and take care of you. If only we could knock them in the head and have them snap out of it!
Happing hiking!!
Thanks mighty! I know I need to be careful with the contact. I read another post and saw where someone mentioned the touch and go...this is probably what he is doing. I'm still waiting for the $h!t to hit the fan. He's been too nice for too long...I saw some of the monster yesterday and a little earlier today.
Just want to vent real quick...
H told kids to call if they wanted to hang with him at the football field. S called at 5 and H said he'd come get him...showed up 45 mins later (field is 10 min away). I could see the frustration on S face and he even called H again asking where he was. Don't start doing this to your kids! I think he may be losing D. She doesn't seem to want to be with him and is building a really strong bond with me...I'll hear about that soon, I'm sure!
I'm not detached enough! I'm actually jealous of my kids getting hugs and kisses and "I love you" from H. They also get to "date" him this week. I need more single friends!
I'm struggling with seeing H everyday. I don't really want to suggest he move out officially since that would not help the sitch, but I seem to be "stuck."
All my friends that are local are married with their own families so trying to go out in the evenings is too tough, plus I seem to have the kids EVERY night. I do start a marriage crisis support group Thursday night. I'm really looking forward to this. It's at a local church and this specific group is for wives...maybe they will be looking for a free night too.
Off to bed, actually get to be distracted and occupied tomorrow
Yesterday was ok. H texted me while I was training and asked if I could get tape for S football equipment...I know, no expectations! I thought since we were out BEFORE the game this past Saturday and H said he'd get some, that he actually followed through...dumb me!
I was respectful and polite at practice, but focused on S and my homework. H got up and socialized most of practice. As we were leaving, H asked about dinner (which surprised me actually). I told him the kids were going to eat frozen pizza. He turned up his nose and I commented that was how I felt. We left and H was not immediately at the house. I guessed he went to wherever.
He eventually showed up. He complained about stress this week and seems to be using this as his excuse to have sex with me. I deflected a little bit, I need to shower, it's late...but H followed me around like a lost puppy.
I did jump in the shower and H actually came into the bathroom to talk to me...this hasn't happened in months. When I got out he again pursued the sex. I caved...how can you not when the love of your life is so desperately wanting sex with you!
We'll see how today goes....
Well the sh!t has hit the fan...H just retained lawyer on 7/25 and did not tell me. I was checking our account and boom there it was. What an a$$!
The one thing I do know is he can't file as long as we are in a sexual relationship. We have to be at least 60 days... I knew there was a reason I was having sex with him all of a sudden. I know I'm mind reading but could he be feeling guilty?
We hadn't had sex for 3 months and 7/28 we started again...is he sabotaging what he is trying to do?
This has really made me angry! I can't believe he is really doing this, I know, it's just a piece of paper, but ....stupid MLC.
What do I need to look for in a lawyer?
Ats,
I'm sorry you were taken by surprise. I know it feels like another punch in the stomach. Let the information settle a bit and you will see it's not the end of the world--and, may be a good thing--in the long run, because you will be protected financially.
Many attorneys will meet with you for the first time for free. Shop around and find someone who you feel comfortable with...I relied heavily on recommendations from family and friends. But, if you don't have that, you can find lots of recommendations online these days.
In fact, for some questions, I posted on online lawyer forums where you anonymously post your questions and local lawyers will respond with their advice in an effort attract your business.
You can do this. You're right, it's just a piece of paper...but, it's a piece of paper that could protect you from further financial harm from this man. Think of it as a favor he has done...he's pushing you to protect yourself from HIM.
So sorry Ats,
Sounds like you have a cake eater on your hands. Doesn't tell you he got a L but follows you around looking for sex? I'm sorry to say the man your H has become is no longer the "love of your life", that man has checked out. Believe me I know how hard it is to really understand this. You want to think that no one can change this much this fast and somewhere in there is the man you M. It took me a long time to really get this. In fact so long I let my W get away with so many things that she shouldn't have.
In my case I found a L that would do the D for a flat fee instead of hourly. If you don't have a lot of assets like investments and such you may be able to find someone who will do it for a flat fee. My W didn't and she has already almost gone thru her total retainer (which was $500 more than the total amount my L charged me). This way you are protected from him filing doc. after doc. and running up the bill. Since he is making the money for now, that may be important for you. My W did the same type thing to me, telling me she would be able to make enough to pay the bills while I started a new company where it would take a few years to get back to making what I had been. Then a couple months later asked for D. If the kids are your #1 concern, get a L who believes in fighting for what's best for kids. My D14 custody is the most important thing to me while it's become clear that "stuff" is more important to my W. Just be sure you feel comfortable with the one you pick and feel he will listen to what you want. Some do what they think is best and it may not be what you do.
So, sorry that it's come to this. I am in the same boat and it still makes no sense to me that my W after 20 years and 2 kids refused to try anything to make the M work. Once she said she wanted a D, that was it for her and she stayed on that course. Just remember, this is a business transaction, nothing more. My W has also after 21 years now wanting to go back to her maiden name! She has convinced herself (like your H) that all she needs to do to be "happy" is throw away her old life completely. It may just be a piece of paper but I really don't think my W see's it that way. She see's it as the "answer" to all her pain, unhappiness, problems. We are the enemy now. Protect yourself and try and remember (although I KNOW it's hard) that he ISN'T the love of your life anymore. That man is gone forever. Whether or not he will ever come around and see you and the M really weren't to blame for his problems is something only time will tell. For now, you are best to think he is gone for good and to protect yourself and your kids.
The one thing I do know is he can't file as long as we are in a sexual relationship. We have to be at least 60 days... I knew there was a reason I was having sex with him all of a sudden. I know I'm mind reading but could he be feeling guilty?
We hadn't had sex for 3 months and 7/28 we started again...is he sabotaging what he is trying to do?
Not likely using you per se. More likely conflicted. It's not like he doesn't know the separation of 60 days is required.
There is a lot of conflicting emotions that go on in a MLCrs head and at the end of a relationship. You're just catching the flak of it. There's a book called Crazy Time: Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life that may be worth the few minutes it takes to read.
It really comes down to what you want. I do highly recommend that you retain a lawyer and watch the financial assets though. If you can squirrel some away, that may be helpful to make sure it's not gone. You'll have to disclose it but at least it'll be there.
When you look for a lawyer, what are your goals? Many of them will try to play your emotions. The easiest emotion to play is anger, so many will incense you and get you riled up, then make suggestions. When you look for one, look for one that is on your side and fits your values. There are many to choose from and you can interview as many as needed. Don't hesitate to tell them no and walk to another until you find one that fits.
AJ
Thank you for the advice. I was floored when I saw that check come through. Surprisingly, I haven't cried. I must be more detached than I thought...maybe, I was pretty sad.
I still have hope, he did come back last time and that was when he admitted EA. The hope isn't as strong but its here.
So H took S to the PGA practice round today and shared lots of pics with me. H also told me how much he spent and talked a lot about the pros they saw. I validated and supported. H did have a short altitude towards D. I keep waiting for him to come out of this, but I think we aren't close to the end of those tunnels.
I was reading some old posts and they mentioned at bomb drop that we are only 50-75% through...which puts me to July 2015-17. I hope were at 75%!
Like Lois mentioned, maybe this is a good thing. He hasn't been on his own and is always around so he can't miss me.
One day at a time...
It just hit me! Two Fridays ago, H said he had to work on sat to catch up on work....he was making up time for going to L. Should I confront him and ask if he filed?
I'm so angry! I know he's going to lie to me, but seriously, why about this? I should probably put up a boundary with not having sex either. How should I approach this?
Ats,
Here's the slippery slope...BE ANGRY...Angry is good...it promotes healing and gives you energy to move forward.
HOWEVER, you can't bludgeon HIM with the anger. And, be careful when you talk to him right now because it will slip out.
If there's one thing I regret in all this...it's my acting on impulse sooo often when concerning my H.
You just received some shattering, shocking news...allow it to sink in. Until YOU know what's right for you...no more sex.
Get quiet within yourself and get in touch with what YOU want.
I know it's hard, but think of him as a teenager right now. When a teen does something rebellious and acts out...they walk around with that burden, sneakily, in order to avoid punishment. My D20 wore a bobby sock for three weeks in 90 degree weather--EVERYWHERE--to the bathroom--in order to keep me from discovering the lengthy tattoo on her foot.
Let him stew in his own juices right now. The minute you confront, it changes the dynamic. An adult would give you a heads up on going to the lawyer...his behavior validates that he isn't an adult right now...and using the joint checking!
Your confronting him right now will take some pressure off his already heavy shoulders.
Part of him may be counting on you Reacting to his behavior and, then, he doesn't have to face up to his actions...because YOU will do it for him.
Think this one through...whatever you do. I know how hard it is...been to that party...but, you can do this.
Take that anger and use it to make an appointment with some lawyers. You don't need to commit to anything. Just make one appointment for today.
You can do this.
Thank you Lois!
I like your analogy of the teenager, and you're right, that is exactly how he is acting!
I was good last night talking to him, h seemed to pull away after talking about his and S10 day. I didn't pursue any convos and let him start them, which could be why he wasn't talking. I also didn't want to slip with the anger stewing inside...big 180 for me not confronting him!
I did notice that he is asking my opinion, apparently seeking approval about things. He got a new shirt and was asking which dress pants to wear with it. He's also mentioned a few times about a pair of earrings he wants and how he needs to gage up to get the ones he wants. I addressed the outfit but not the earrings. I think I need to pull further away from him...let him realize that his choice is for me not to be there, which includes approval for little things. Or is this a baby step with him seeking my approval? Lord I'm so confused by this stuff!
Let him stew in his own juices right now. The minute you confront, it changes the dynamic.
Ats, I agree with Heather. He knows how you feel. He will expect a reaction. He will prepare himself for how he thinks you will react. If you try something different, you will feel differently. This has probably my biggest 180. It has made me emotionally more in-check. (Yes, I know, it probably does not come across here... I save it for you guys. Lucky you.)
Two things about that: first when he told me (over phone) about hww and preg, he was definitely surprised about my reaction. He asked if I knew because of how I did react (or lack there of). Really, I think I was just in shock. But, it was unexpected for him and I think he had to think more about that.
Next, this has been hard on my parents. They have been his only true parents and have known him since a teenager. When they found out the latest development, I told them not to even bother talking to him. He knows he is wrong. He feels bad. But, if confronted, he would be in a position to defend his actions. Don't give him that opportunity. He knows it is hurtful and wrong. Let him think about that- what he is doing and not how you are reacting. He knows you are hurt and it's not what you want. You don't have to say a word.
Maybe I am way off on this. But I have fond that this works for me. I think it holds h more accountable for his own thoughts and feelings vs my emotions. During this time, he really is only thinking about himself and will say whatever to rationalize that. Controlling my reactions has helped me tremendously to be patient and to watch. I can focus on myself better. I am more in control. I can pay better attention to others' reactions when I am silent. Be patient..... the right time will come.
Oh yeah, I have also found that when I have wanted to respond/communicate- I have waited. I have written or typed the things on my mind and waited. Most often, it is never sent. When it is, it is usually well revised and sent much later. I had started writing something a couple months ago with the impending divorce. I was going to send it when things were closer to being finalized or after they were. I waited- boy am I glad I did. I was writing under false circumstances. What I believed to be true was so not the case. Be patient, my friend. Silence can be golden.
I don't know if this is helpful, but maybe some food for thought. Others with more experience may tell you differently. But whatever the case, you will get stronger.
Don't jump to conclusions about the lawyer.
My ex went to see a divorce attorney once. The lawyer (god bless him!) laid the finances out for him and told him if he thought he could save his marriage, he should!
WE actually reconciled that time and had several good years together before his final MLC hit.
It's possible that your H went to an attorney and had the same kind of wakeup call, making him see what a dumb move divorce would actually be.
(BTW, it's still a good idea for you to consult with an attorney, just to learn your rights and how to protect yourself financially if H does file.)
Thank you for the support Mighty and kml!
I'm definitely going to have to find a L. H has been pulling away again, plus I got a text tonight while he was still here...I was out jogging and my phone was at home.
He said we need to talk soon. I just don't know how.
I think he's going to drop more bombs...filing maybe and possibly OW.
I'm not expecting anything positive that's for sure. I've got to not respond in a negative way...it always gets worse before it gets better. I knew this was the calm before the storm. H been too nice for too long, but not really connecting with me.
I guess I'm going to have to go dim...act as if I'm moving on. He's walking away from his greatest accomplishment...family. I'm doing okay for now, but I know I'm not detached enough. This is going to be hard to attempt...this is going to God, I'm out of my league with this.
I know, Ats, I know. But you are doing great. I know that feeling you get in your stomach when you know there is more to come. I am serious, you are being really strong. Take it in stride. The one good thing that comes out is that once you get through those moments, you look back and know you don't ever want to go back to that again. I promise, it will make you stronger, because you will know you made it through that moment and that you are doing OK. Find faith in something that you will get through. I don't know if you are familiar with "Footprints" but I found a time when I just closed my eyes and said, "Carry me, Lord." I am not trying to push something on you, but you will find things to help. Small little reminders that will get you through the tough moments. Hang in there. You will be OK.
That's good advice Mighty -
Atsbaby - we are all out of league with this, you nailed that.
I gave it to God as well, and I asked for strength every day and he gave it to me. It's a painful journey, I wish it on no one.
It takes time to detach, it's easier once they leave to be honest. Things got so much better for me once he left, the first night feels like a death, I won't sugar coat it - after that it got a little easier every day. Work on you, GAL, see an IC if you need to, I went to a free divorce group and that helped me more than anything. I found out all kinds of things about myself and then was able to acknowledge those things and work on myself instead of trying to fix something I couldn't - happiness is found within and you can only control you and your reactions. No one can make you feel a certain way, only you allow those feelings. Allow time for the grief, vent it out - journal journal journal. I would get that stuff out of me by journaling every night and praying probably 5x a day. You will grow stronger and if you do pray - definitely ask for strength and say something like "I put this in your hands" and you will find some relief I hope. Finding a distraction definitely helps - I was doing gardening like crazy, lost 30 lbs in 3 months, started smoking (I don't recommend this lol) but I found some really good friends and became independent vs co-dependent and really know that I'll be ok. You will too, takes a lot of time but have faith. Change is scary. Let him go on his journey and you start to create your own path. Take care, keep posting!
Ats,
Just letting ya know I'm still here. :-)
You're not alone.
Whatever comes, you can handle it. Know that.
Much Love,
Heather
Thank you ladies for your support. I'm going to a marriage crisis group tonight, first time, so not really sure what to expect, but hoping I'll benefit from this.
Started back to work today and it was nice being some what distracted. It's hard talking to my coworkers when they say "wow, you look great. You've lost so much weight. How did you do it?" I just smile and say I'm exercising, hiking and eating better...only a handful know the initial jump start of this weight loss!
One coworker has been going through the same thing. His wife walked out, cleared out their bank account and then after their first hearing she decided to work on the m. He was encouraging to talk with today. He said to just let H go and they will eventually come back, especially with the kids involved. I'm glad he's optimistic, and I really want to believe this.
I talk to God regularly and I'm not sure how many times I've told Him to take over, and He probably has but I just can't see it. Got more on that later, but we've got to get to open house!
Funny thing about handing it over to God. We tend to do that. To want that. But for some reason we tend to pick it up again and again...until we learn not carry a burden that's not ours to carry.
I know I did
AJ
I posted yesterday and apparently it didn't go through
Oh well, so group was just me and the counselor, which was fine. We talked for almost 2 hours about her sitch and mine. She was able to reconcile, hopefully I can too. More women are usually there in September, so I'll go back and give it more time.
H made a comment about how long it took and I just replied with a yep. I then realized I didn't have ink for my printer so ran back to the store. H seemed a little aggravated when I returned....sorry, if you were here more I wouldn't have to run out at 9:30!
Last night I had to go get uniforms for the kids and H actually went. He was so tense, rode with his arms crossed for at least 20 minutes. Was texting and not really helping, very short with the kids. I think they were hyper because all of us were out together...been a long time for that. I stayed upbeat and never got angry with the kids, which is another 180.
Saw a glimpse of H when we ran to the sports store, he was animated about a golf shirt he was looking for and just showed his true self, it was nice to see. Very closed for the remainder of the night. Kids left to spend the night with friends after we got home. H went to the basement looking for who knows what and I took the opportunity to go walking.
I returned with the dog and H was still home, which surprised me. He made small talk for 5 minutes and then left. About an hour later he texted me about his dad, I validated and then we went back and forth for 2 hours. It started with hw that neither of us was wanting to do and then he turned it sexual. During the convo he admitted telling his lawyer that we started being intimate again and she flipped
I'm actually surprised he told her, but he said he didn't trust me for keeping it a secret...and who needs to be having the trust issues? The convo also turned to him trying to be discreet about wanting it again.
H woke me up at 3:30am and well....I'm so not good. This was all for him, which I get it, I understand the male needs. H started being rough and I pulled a way saying it hurts and he said "oh, baby, what hurts?"
We finished and when he left he tucked me in and patted my side. I just cried. I think i still would have been detached had he not used that endearment in a soft gentle voice.
This stupid ride needs to end and he needs to let me off. I thought I was doing good, but darn for being female and all emotionally! We still haven't "talked." What's the point, can't do anything legally right now. I did contact a lawyer and waiting to set up a consultation.
Back to dbing today. Plus I get to see inlaws, maybe I can gage what they are seeing without revealing my thoughts.
Hmmm.. it seems he wants to go but wants to stay. Seems like a lot of conflict, and while you are this close, you catch the flak of his spinning back and forth.
The thing is, he's going to do what he does regardless of the proximity. The question is more about you and how you handle it and what you want. You obviously want him. He seems to want both you and something as yet to be understood.
Don't beat yourself up, Ats. This kind of crazy is to be expected. But detach yourself from the outcome. The day to day is much easier to tolerate if you can do that.
AJ
Thank you AJ. He's very confused and very much still in replay hidden deep in those tunnels.
I'm so conflicted regarding the physical relationship. I do very much want it and obviously he has decided he does too. I've read that men need the physical to make the emotional connection, where we women are reversed. I guess I feel if I meet his physical needs, that he will reconnect with me, but I also understand in MLC world, normal rules don't apply.
I am taking it one day at a time because they are so different from one another. H picked up d9 to have a day with just her and he was in a good mood, asking how I slept. I figured he'd be pulled back and reserved...expectations were nonexistent, so it was a nice surprise.
Continue to do for me today. Football game was cancelled, but kids will be going to mil tonight. Maybe I'll pick up a hot date at the video store with some cute actor
Hi Ats,
I'm so sorry about all the pain. I really do understand that hurt. I want to say something and please don't take it the wrong way. As a man, I cringe when I hear talk about the "male needs". Men do not "need" the physical any more than women. That is just a fallacy that many men use to justify bad behavior. Many men are very good at separating sex from emotion. The fact is most women equate sex with love, much more then men. He is wrong to seek sex from you while at the same time throwing away your M. We men don't "need" the physical to have the emotional connection, the physical (when with someone we truly care about) is an extension of the way we feel. The fact that he got "rough" is also bothersome. To me, that shows a lack of intimacy, a lack of anything but his enjoyment and control. That he is in a "good mood" may just be because he feels because you were willing that he is still "in control" and let's face it, for most of the MLCers it's all about them wanting control! It is all over the boards in 99% of the cases we read here. They all feel that they are out of control, whether because of the fact that they are older or someone close has died or gotten sick or just that their life isn't what they expected it to be, they are desperate to find some way to gain back control over their lives, and us.
Be honest with yourself when you answer this....how did you feel after? Did you feel loved and cared about? Appreciated and wanted? Did you do it only in hopes that by meeting his physical needs that he would start to reconnect?
You know your sitch better than anyone, you know what YOU want as well. But please make sure that anything you do (including ML) isn't something that you really don't want but a means to an end that may not make a difference.
Hang in there Ats, you are going to get through this no matter what happens with H. We're here for you and we all care.
Matt - great post. Really good to have the male perspective on the male myths
Thank you Matt! It is nice to hear the male perspective, and last night was the first time it was rough. It did scare me and I felt used this time. He was a bundle of nerves the evening before. After I stopped him, it did change, but not to what we had before.
"Be honest with yourself when you answer this....how did you feel after? Did you feel loved and cared about? Appreciated and wanted? Did you do it only in hopes that by meeting his physical needs that he would start to reconnect? "
I felt horrible and used, no love this time. I think I did do it in hopes of reconnecting, but I also did it for me because I wanted to. The last time there was more love and care, so I guess my expectations were there...I know, no expectations.
Today he is being nice. His plans changed a bit and d9 wanted to go to a bday party instead of the movies with him. He just left and asked if I needed anything while he was out...again this is a change for him. I thanked him and said no.
Currently he is texting me about clothing at a sports store. Searching for happiness in clothes...sometimes I wonder if he isn't part woman! This is something old H would do, ask for my opinion with clothing ideas. Today must be a clear day.
No expectations. I really need to search my soul about the physical boundary. Maybe God could chime in! Is He on these boards...lol.
Hi Ats,
The reason I posted what I did was because I had a feeling you felt used by the tone of your post. Be careful Ats. I know how much you want your M to work, believe me. I just know how much hurt that the MLC can cause. They are selfish and entitled and will take without a thought to the pain they cause you or anyone else. Just protect yourself and your heart.
^^^^^^^^^^ TRUTH FROM A SENSITIVE, WISE, WORTHY MAN.
Don't do it or anything for him. Make sure it's for you. <3
^^^^^^^^^^ TRUTH FROM A SENSITIVE, WISE, WORTHY MAN.
Don't do it or anything for him. Make sure it's for you. <3
I'm offering a second to both those sentiments. :-)
Stay true to YOU Ats...no compromising yourself for him or the marriage.
Stay true to YOU Ats...no compromising yourself for him or the marriage.
Very, very wise words Heather.
Ats, don't compromise yourself. No matter how things turn out, you still have you to live with. If you compromise, you may regret it later and that is really not the point of this opportunity at all.
AJ
Matt, Shining, Lois, and AJ...thank you. You are right. I was thinking about it a little more and maybe I'm doing this because I want him to be closer. My line of thinking is screwed up. I know it isn't true, but if I'm physical with him, he won't seek it elsewhere...which I know is a lie, because I've read about it all over these boards!
Yesterday when the kids were at a bday party, H had d9 and I had s10. We dropped them off and went our separate ways. I had forgotten my phone and didn't feel like driving home for an hour. I went picked up a few videos and stopped to see my parents for a few. During this time, H tried to call me a million times and wanted to ask me to lunch. I missed the opportunity, but I'm thankful I didn't have my phone because instead of being "mysterious" I would have gone with him.
With the kids at mil, doing for me today will be easy. Plus no H to deal with until he brings the kids home, when you ask, I don't know, my H is in MLC and those things don't matter! Had to get that out, can't yell at H!!!
Hiking may be out, supposed to storm all day. Poor PGA guys! It is kind of neat to listen to the commentators talking about local things on there...not that I care for golf, but H had it on while I was doing homework.
Off to complete homework and be done with this class! Come on A
which I know is a lie, because I've read about it all over these boards
Not to give you any difficult things to think about per se, but all you really know is what happens with others. You need to be prepared for that eventuality, but you don't "know" that about your husband.
Step back and see what you do know.
For example, you do know that he wants you in his life. He wants to be close. He wants to foster a relationship with you.
The question is really what you want and what he wants. The rest are just things that happen along the way.
Don't compromise yourself, but don't think you "know" until you do know.
That's kind of a child-like approach to this. Kids don't know and learn along the way. They take it as it comes because its all new to them.
Its all new to you as well, no?
You are doing a great job, Ats. Really. It's a difficult situation and you are really doing it well. Be careful to not superimpose others stories on to yours, but be prepared for whatever comes. And detach from the outcome.
From that stance, you'll do very well.
AJ
Your right AJ, this is all new to me. I don't know what H is doing because it's his world at this moment.
Quote:
which I know is a lie, because I've read about it all over these boards
(I gotta figure out how to quote
)
I meant that I'm lying to myself that it cannot happen to me, because it does happen. I'm trying to prepare for the worst and pray for the best.
I do believe he really does want me in his life.
I KNOW I want him in mine, not need but want.
I KNOW he doesn't want to live here and take on responsibility at this time.
I KNOW he is not the man I married at this time.
I KNOW I have to detach for my sake and my kids.
I KNOW my kids need me for their support and emotional needs at this time.
I KNOW I can only control myself.
I really don't know much regarding his thoughts and feelings, just by 50% of his actions. So I need to come up with better and stronger ways for me to detach from him. It's hard when he doesn't have a place to take the kids and he is at our house EVERY night.
I'm thankful school is starting this week and the kids will be on a more set schedule, which is what we all need, including H. Old H is OCD and consistent. That should have been a big signal for me that he was entering into this MLC chaos. Hindsight!!
Hi Atsbaby, a very good list of what you know you want in your life. The best one is "I KNOW I can only control myself." You are miles ahead of the game knowing this. Best wishes.
Thank you Wet! Even though I know I can control myself, I'm still stuck on trying to control the outcome
So I need to vent and then laugh:
H came by tonight, only here for an hour (yeah!)and as he was leaving mentioned he has to be at the ball field early because there is no one scheduled to work the gates for the first game. He mentioned that he was leaving work at 4:30 so he could be at the gate....now to vent! I had class on Monday nights from Feb-May, and my babies (9 & 10) were left home alone for an hour because H didn't leave work until 5! He has a flex schedule! This was before bd so I didn't even think to look at MLC at the time, but now...
So H walks in and what does he have on his finger...that's right folks, his class ring! I had to leave the room before I busted out laughing
It's his college ring since the hs ring is too big, but it's the fact that he opted to wear it after years of not wearing it!!
I'm going to let you guys hold me accountable! I will slowly pull away so as not to send him into shock, but I need to detach more and if I don't start now, I will continue to struggle. Okay, so my goal for tomorrow is to NOT answer any text messages. I did this goal today and was successful, yea me!
Happy Monday
Oooohhh, Ats!!! That's a classic!!!
Maybe along with my H, they'll get the "old band back together", too!!!
Thanks for the lols.
After thought: when H left he told me to let him know if I needed anything; two days in a row. I wonder if some of his guilt is starting to surface. He also made a comment about something needing to be turned into the team mom, that if I needed him to do this then he could, "since you have so much on your plate. I don't want you to think I'm not helping."
YOU ARE NOT HELPING!!!!!
Deep breath....
I was having such a good day today and now, not so much.
I did really well with not responding to H texts! His first was to remind me to bring a towel to the game since there was 80% chance of rain....I'm a mom! don't you think I know this? He proceeded to send it to my iPad and then even called my dad (who had the kids while I was at work).
The game was cancelled, but practice was still on. I did have to text H to let him know since he informed me he was going shopping again before coming home. Why is he letting me know what he's doing before he comes home?
So he's late to practice, has s10 mouth piece and athletic tape. Then I see a pizza place's cup in the car(my suspicion of OW. Manager at this place and the only person on his fb page I don't know). So what do I do...exactly what I told Wet NOT to do!
I checked his fb page and she is no longer on there...why would she be, he has her # now. So instead of trying to love from a distance, I'm just short with him. I'm so frustrated with doing all this alone and he gets to do whatever he f***ing feels like!
So now he's texting me:
H: you seem mad tonight
M: I'm not mad. I'm very tired. (Which isn't a total lie)
H: okay you just seemed very short and upset. Wanted to make sure that there was nothing that I did wrong (really???)
M: I'm sorry you felt that I was mad at you
H: no, didn't think it was necessarily at me...you just seemed mad
H: didn't know if there was something else bothering you tonight. That's all
M: I appreciate the concern
H: it's a full moon tonight too so that might've had something to do with it...lol
M: lol
H: why are you so tired? (Where is this coming from? I thought everything was about him?)
M: trying to get all this homework done
H: I hear that
H: graduate studies are exhausting
M: yes they are
H: you'll make it through it
M: thank you for the support
H: il always support your schooling (but not me!)
H: don't want you to fail...you are good at what you do
H: plus I told you you could send me papers for me to proofread for you. Still haven't seen any
He's breaking my heart all over again...I can't keep doing this. I NEED him out of my life right now. How do I do this for me? How do I get away from him? I don't want to miss out on my kids, but he won't give me my space.
Any advice would be appreciated!
Hi Atsbaby, I'm sorry you were kicked in the gut like you were today. Yes, I know that feeling.
You were supportive of me when I was stupidly snooping this weekend. Here is what was posted on my thread:
"Stop IT!!! (Atsbaby), Stop, stop, stop!!!!..
Stay in YOUR Lane...Life is better there, NO drama, NO more rejection. It's bad enough, don't make it worse. Guard your heart.
Imagine yourself at 5 years old, all cute and cuddly and loving and trusting and innocent. Imagine that lil (Atsbaby).
Now, imagine throwing that cute lil (girl) in with the lions at the zoo. Just pitching her in there like a toy for the lions to play with. That's what you did when you snooped. You fed that cute lil (girl) to the lions."
Ouch, this advice is great stuff. This stuff happens, so don't let it eat you up. Dust yourself off, let tomorrow be a new day. Good luck.
Ats,
Step away from the phone. Take a deep breath.
Find that place between the past the future. Be in THIS moment. JUST this moment. Try to center yourself.
You can't find all the answers tonight. But, you CAN BE OK IN THIS MOMENT. :-)
Thank you Wet and Lois!
I did stop texting him. I was doing well with the validating and when he threw in the other stuff is when I just stopped. 30 minutes later he told me have a good night...which he usually doesn't.
Wet I read that post and thought it was awesome! Thanks for bringing to my attention again!
Going to bed and focusing on a good nights sleep
H doing it again...I'm so confused!
I had to text him this morning regarding s10 football, trying to make sure I get him to the correct practice and I don't have coach's # (I should get it).
So I stopped answering him last night and his last comment was he didn't understand his hw. When I texted I said hope all went well with hw, football info...
Got info and thanked, then H proceeded to text that he hoped my hw went well and that I have fun at work....why? Why is he doing this? Is it just touch and goes or is he sensing I'm pulling away?
I know, detach, detach, detach....I can't!!! Aaaauuuuggghhh!
I know, detach, detach, detach....I can't!!! Aaaauuuuggghhh!
Yes, you CAN.
Center yourself Ats. Find that quiet spot inside that is SEPARATE from him.
When we are hurt and rejected so deeply, we tend to give the abusers a lot of power. Look at him for who he really is today. He is NO PRIZE.
He would be lucky to have you in his life after the stunts he has pulled. Look at him with realistic eyes...the good and the bad. Write it down if you have to.
Be there for yourself, comfort yourself, tell yourself that you are not allowing this man to pull your puppet strings...reassure yourself. If you have to step away and go no contact, then so be it. YOU COME FIRST.
I promise...by taking a step away from him, or two or three, you will NOT influence his MLC in any way.
You can always say, "I appreciate your interest in my life right now, but I need to step away and focus on me and the kids. Unless it's an emergency, please give me some space for a few days, a week, a year, a decade...whatever..."
Thanks Lois!
I've not responded to his text. I went walking/running during s10 football practice to be away from him.
He hung around after practice telling me more about what's going on in his life and the, I kicked him out of the house!
H kept talking and I said that kids start school tomorrow and I gotta get some sleep, bye. H was a little shocked but made a joke and left. Felt good to stand my ground...I've got to do it more with him.
Off to greet my crazies and focus on them for the next 7 hours! So glad I'm back to work, I love my job!
Good for you. You are on the right path. You are making choices to keep your power and not let him have control over you or your emotions. It will get easier.
Before you know it, it will phase you less and less. You will probably start making decisions to avoid the drama and overbearing emotions. You will probably still think about him and his reaction to this. It gets easier and you will find in time, you won't think so much about him anymore, but yourself. And you will realize you are doing things for yourself and not because of him.
High-five, Ats! You are great!
I know I shouldn't have but I found a little love note from OW...I knew there was one. Should I confront him about the affair? I don't feel this is something I should let go. He didn't really hide it. It was sitting in his eyeglasses case.
I'm sorry Ats. Maybe give yourself 24 hours to think about the best course of action?
Yeah ats, I would wait. For what... I'm not sure but time is your friend. You will be better prepared and more in control of what you want to get out of the conversation.
You guys are right about me needing to wait...I'm ready to chop off certain pieces of anatomy!
H had d9 out with him tonight and I was home with s10, when I noticed his stuff sitting on the banister and I just glanced, not trying to snoop. I wonder if he left it to see if I'd find it, testing me.
So I got s settled with a shower and dinner, had to call H reminding him it was a school night to bring d home. Then I left to walk the dog before H got home. When I returned, h was on the phone, I dropped off the dog and left for me time, which I needed before I hauled off and hit H.
I returned from me time, tucked the kids in and h apologized for being late. I validated and told him I'd appreciate some help with the bedtime since they struggle in the mornings. Then I told him I was going to get in the shower and to have a good night.
I was listening for the garage door to close and never heard it, so I took my time getting into the bathroom. Surprise he came in with the excuse that he wanted to make sure he told me the correct time for football on Saturday. Then to tell me his business trip to Houston was delayed (stinks cause I was looking for this break).
H left the room and went outside, I thought he was leaving, but surprise he comes in while I'm in the shower! H begins telling me about his dad (who had to go to the hospital again today...whole different story!) and I validate feelings and try to comfort him. H continues to stay and talk even after I get out...I think he was looking for sex, nope not gonna happen!
It was so hard to talk with him. Again I'm so uncertain why he's trying to connect with me, guilt? Touch and go? Actually wants back with me?
I would like advice on how I should approach him regarding the note I found, or if I really should talk to him about it, maybe let him simmer in guilt?
I think I may need to find a way to get money for a db coach!
Going to watch a funny movie...gotta get a PMA
you might google "affair down" and read a lot of information before confronting. Get a better understanding about it in combination with MLC. A pretty high percentage of MLC'ers do it.
Continue to focus on you and your GAL activities. Focus on the kids too. I would snoop myself and it only hurt me, didn't change anything so I stopped doing it, that's his journey, his business now. Our minds can go non stop and really make things worse with all the wonder and guessing. Pretend she doesn't exist, focus on working on you. Read the sandi's rules as often as you need to on the newcomers page, I still would read over them even though I knew them pretty much by heart. Reacting in anger will not change anything, find ways to get your anger/grief out without him. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thank you TL. I really don't want to talk with him while I'm angry. I'm still very fired up, but I believe I truly did already know. That note was just confirming what I suspected.
So last night I watched a movie and ignored all electronics...9 texts and 2 messages on iPad.
This morning a just made a quick response of sorry was asleep.
Today...3 emails, 4 messages on iPad, and 2 texts...all while I was at work.
I finally emailed back at 3 just to acknowledge him, and received another email and a phone call since I didn't respond. He then called again once I was home. It's all little stupid stuff, but man is he persistent!
I think this is me pulling him close, not sure, but I will continue to be minimal contact and see how this goes for the next week. Don't stop what's working!
Atsbaby
Looks like you have some positives to work with .. keep it up!!
Ats,
You are doing awesome! Give yourself an Atta Girl for maintaining your composure while you sort out your feelings.
I acted impulsively almost every time I was given such a challenge...especially when OW was involved. I gave in to my instincts and I regret it.
Holding your tongue until you are on more solid ground isn't going to change anything. You said yourself that he may have kept the note somewhat accessible in the hopes you would find it. This sorta gets him off the hook in terms of holding onto the burden of this big secret, dontcha think?
Personally, I'm all for giving them a long rope to hang themselves. Allow him to carry this burden. Don't make it any easier by handling the heavy lifting for him.
But, I know how hard it is. And, I'm sorry you have been put in this position. You're doing great.
Let's try this again...stupid internet!
Thank you for the encouragement.
H wanted to "talk to you, nothing major" at ball practice last night. Great, what is this going to be about?
H needs a receipt out of my car to go run an errand. I get it, and while we are standing there H asks if I have plans for Saturday. I tell him just football...I'm thinking he's wanting to do something with the kids, right?
"I have a tee time at 4. Would you like to go play? Maybe your parents could watch the kids? Or we can take them and we'd have to pay another fee for carts and possibly for them to play. Whatever you want to do." WTF?
I tell him sure, since he seemed really nervous that I might tell him no. He then begins his excuses like no one else to play with and he didn't want to play by himself, blah, blah, blah... I'm going on an outing with H!
Atsbaby, that's good news. But stay detached. You know this is a rollercoaster ride that you're on. Let him do the talking and be a good listener. You know this, good luck.
So here is where I backslide....
H returns from errand. He doesn't bring his chair to sit in. He stands behind me, close and finds different reasons to touch my arm or head or shoulder. I know what he wants!
We return home after practice and we eat dinner. There is lots of joking and teasing, I think old H was with us.
A few days ago, my baseball team played against his. He wanted to place wager on it...made me choose. I said back rub, thought my team was going to win and I really wanted a back rub!
Anyways, I lost, so last night H mentioned his back was "hurting." I owed him so I payed up. We were sitting on the bed, I know...his choice, and we were having decent conversation. Back in dec/jean, we had talked about something's that we wished could change....him wanting me to initiate.
He brings this up and, well you know....
So today monster is back. I don't have regrets, but I need to recalculate everything!
Thanks Wet. I was thinking the same thing. As long as I'm out there for ME, I'll be ok. I will not tell him about everything going on because he doesn't care. He shows this too often now.
His talking with me tonight still indicates where his line of thoughts are...D. But some of his actions are saying other things. Like I said before, I think me being less responsive seems to be working for now.
Ats,
I'm following you and supporting you from afar .... I have zero answers because, well, this is new for me ....and my H is crazy too so.... GRRRRRRRRRR.
BUT,
Hugs, hang in there, and know you're supported and cared about. When I'm an old weisenheimer and have the been-there-done-thats, I'll have better words to say
.
The only word I want to say right now can't be posted.... Against the rules.
I totally understand Shining!
So H was offered a coaching position at the local high school. Unfortunately, practice starts at 3 and H doesn't get off work until 5. He emailed me about it yesterday, which is the one I did respond to...validated and said it was a tough decision to make- dream job of coaching (and being a teacher) or continue on a career path you have told me repeatedly that you don't like anymore!
He then replies that he'd take a pay cut-yes you would, but it wouldn't matter if you'd come home dumba$$, cause when I finish my degree, I'd be making what he does and he would still be making. 2x what I do now! Plus it's not about the money....hello light bulb?
Maybe this will help him put his life into perspective. I will support him with what ever decision he makes, while we are together. He needs to think REAL HARD about his life. I'm not telling him what to do...and I think that's what he is wanting.
So my "date" with H went well. There was a lot of joking and cursing of golf equipment! We strictly played golf, like two friends, which was nice. There was a little flirting from H, but lead to nothing...which I didn't want (we need to build our friendship back because we are such strangers).
H stayed off his phone until the very end. Claims it was his bro...I didn't ask and didn't question when he offered info (don't really believe all of it was bro).
I felt like I was actually hanging out with teenage h, but I figured that may happen since I've seen this teenager a lot lately. Plus when we first started dating, he would invite me to golf outings with him...can we say replay!
H dropped me off and then I GAL by watching a funny movie
Tomorrow will be nice. I'm hanging out with my brother and his wife along with my dad, plus my kids. We're going to our state fair and I haven't done this in years especially since H doesn't care for crowds. We are going to have a blast!
yay for fun golf dates!
I hope tomorrow is really fun. Eat some cotton candy for me! Or a funnel cake. A funnel cake is good!
Even though I had fun with kids and family at the fair, it was still a little depressing. I think partly the weather...very wet and gloomy. And of course no contact from H, but this is his pattern after time with me...sex, date, very intense convos.
I was thinking back to some of the things h was telling me yesterday. He's very dissatisfied with work. Stated he's doing stuff his way and doesn't care if it's been done their way for 90 years "it needs to change. There's always room for improvement." Validated.
Talked about trading in his jeep for a truck. He has always wanted a jeep and is willing to give up his beloved car for a truck...had a truck in high school and first few years of marriage.
D9 asked an interesting question and didn't surprise me about the response!
"If you could wish for anything in the world, what would it be?"
Both kids asked for unlimited wishes. I said I didn't know, and I truly don't. H said unlimited funds...all the money in the world. He's still trying to buy his happiness. I wish it would click that he can't...I know, this is his journey and he is no where close to getting it!
H is still very much in replay. He's losing weight and trying to have me validate all the positives in his life. Still struggles with work and dad. Has lost interest in the kids...no time with them this weekend. I realized this after he and I went golfing...spent with me not kids.
I did finally break down and contacted a lawyer...for info not to retain. At least I'll be prepared for him if he decides to continue this D thing.
Detach, detach, detach...I really need to because I'm struggling hard right now.
Ats,
Interesting about the replay of golf, teen behavior and truck... They haven't a clue where to find happiness. Oh, yeah....THE HAPPINESS STORE!!! Just buy it.
I'm sorry you're struggling hard right now. I can sooooo relate. Trying to get through the next layer of detachment myself.
I'm glad you looked into L, especially with kids involved.
I want to visit THE HAPPINESS STORE!!
So H stopped by tonight after going to brothers. He showed up at 8:15, talked about me, me, me, then helped tuck babies in at 8:40 and left at 9 after talking about me, me, me. BLAH!!!
I DON'T CARE...I really do, but
Okay, that's enough about ME
New day around the corner!
Hey, Ats!
AAhhhhhh..... a day in the life of...
I wonder if we video taped them and showed them their behavior if they'd see what we see? OOOORRRRRR.... they'd probably like it because it would be like a home movie of them!
It gets easier, then harder, then easier... you know the drill. Two steps forward, one step back.
You got this.
I love the video tape idea Mighty, but you're probably right that they would love it...all about them!
So last night before I went to bed, I was reading on the boards over some older posts and saw someone talking about the pursuer and distancer. I just so happen to have the book, but hadn't read it yet. Holy cow, this is SO H and me!!
It did hurt to read some of the characteristics, but it's so true. I really have a lot to work on. I'm getting better with some stuff, but man, what a wake up call. I'll finish reading the workbook part tonight and will begin what I need to do to fix my issues. I just haven't figured out how I became this way.
Side note, H is throwing a temper tantrum this morning over a pair of golf shoes that fell apart yesterday. He called the manufacturer and they said there's nothing they can do after 2 years....yet "I'm not done yet" won't let it go!! Validated 3 1/2 hours later.
What a rude a$$!!
So d9 is telling me about her day at dinner, like she always does, and H walks in and interrupts her, not once, not twice, but multiple times. She is tearing up and he doesn't even notice.
Now I know all moms and dads think their kids are smart, but this girl totally understands! I wish I could really tell her what was going on, but I don't think she would understand all of that. All she knows is daddy is having some issues in his head that he needs to figure out.
God love her! I gave both extra attention tonight. They are my world now and they see that dad doesn't care as much as mom. It's so heartbreaking. On that note, I've decided to keep a journal of how often he actually spends time with them. He wants 50% custody...then show it!
Oh, I almost forgot...
We're sitting at practice and a mom walks by asking how we can sit there for 2 hours blah, blah, blah. After she walks away H says jokingly, "stop talking to my girlfriend."
Holy sh!t I wanted to haul off and hit him so hard! I also thought, "I can't talk to your girlfriend, you haven't introduced us yet!" But I held my tongue...not going to back slide. I'm moving forward and ow means nothing to me, so she gets no acknowledgement.
Now that that's out of my system...moving forward to tomorrow
So even though it's sunny out, today was tough. I'm too attached again.
H has contacted me in one or another since I started back to work and today....nothing. I know I shouldn't expect anything, but dang it he began the pursuing!
Then to top it off, the stupid bill from his atty showed up in the mail...what a way to really dampen your spirits. The fact that there is a bill just tells me he is still contacting them on advice, but I thought that's what the retainer was for. I guess it could just be itemized list for what's left of the retainer. I wish he would just tell me something!!
We haven't talked about the relationship in months, he's never said he wants to come home and has continued to indicate d through his flirty texts..."we still going to do this when all is said and done?" OMG!!!
I've got to finish the workbook stuff from the pursuer and distancer section of my book. It said I'd go through days like this and it will take up to two months for his reaction...which if there is none, then i'll know it wasn't meant to be.
Let's hope I get a reaction, cause that's what I feel like I'm getting when I pull way back!
We'll see how tonight goes at practice...
H has been very standoffish tonight. I continued to be polite and watch son play.
We get home and s is complaining he doesn't feel well. I'm trying to take care of him and cook dinner as well as tend to d.
H is sitting at the kitchen table with arms crossed and not helping with anything.
D gets showered and feed, and H is talking with her for a bit. S is showered but remains by the toilet. I eventually cox him to bed and try to figure out why he isn't feeling well. H eventually joins me and is very rude/quiet towards me...something is up with him.
H finally decides that s should sleep in the recliner so he can sit up...ok, but you're not here with him.
As we are sitting quietly, H says we need to talk
We go to the bedroom and he lays down, getting comfortable. Then he begins to come at me about him being a good father and how I don't think he is. I ask him to explain so I can understand. He stated that I've been saying things that I normally wouldn't, like s riding in the back of the jeep when the doors are off. I didn't understand what he meant by that and he said that s always rides up front. I about blew a gasket! I told him that was the first time I had seen s ride in the front without doors. I told him how unsafe it was. He said that he thought I knew s was riding up there....wow!
I asked H to give me another example and he couldn't. H admitted that he had been reading my journals!!
I lost it...total backslide tonight and it's only going to get worse!
I did tell him that the past 4 months he hasn't really been a dad to them. I told him that I knew he needed space, but he wasn't hearing the frustration from the kids about him not being here. He said that he wants to make sure he is the best dad for them...his dad was not there for him.
We continued some back and forth and then I finally put a stop to it. I then asked him if there was anything else that he was hiding from me. He didn't say no, but didn't say yes either.
I confronted him about staying at his buddies house. He said that he was and I said not the whole time you've been gone. I told him I found the love note. He said that there was no one else. When I told him what it said, he told me they were no longer together...which I did say a few days ago that she was missing from the fb page. I was right on which person it was. Not sure how they hooked up, but I don't really want to know.
They had started seeing each other in April, when all this sh!t started going down! Don't know when it ended, but he claims no sex was involved.
Ugh, Ats. I'm sorry. That's a tough pill to swallow. The timing is similar with mine... when things started going down, her, yadda... ugh... the pits.
You will get through this. Now, it feels the worst. It will go up from here- it has to! It was good you mentioned the note. The timing was going to come. The details of h and ow r are irrelevant. But it is hard to wrap your head around the whole thing.
I'm sorry... but I am so serious when I tell you it will get better! Everyone kept telling me that, and I didn't believe it, or I just thought I wanted it to go back to how it was. It can't. It's different. There is still hope! You will get through this, regardless. You will be better. You will be stronger. You are amazing and have been doing so well. That is a testament to how you will overcome another obstacle. Please be careful in what you believe. He will tell you what he wants you to hear and what he can handle telling you. I don't think mlcers tell anymore than they can deal with. Does not mean there is more, but there may be.
You're good, Ats. It is a journey... there is still a long road. Keep posting. It helps.
So this leads to our R. I'm glad we got here because I don't know what he's been thinking or doing behind my back. H still wants out. When I asked him why he wants out so quickly, he went back to "our m has been over for 3 years." So why can't we go to counseling or work on things. People don't throw away 19 years..."I can't discuss it" What kind of f'ed up lawyer does he have????
Needless to say, the paperwork has been drawn up for 2 weeks and he has yet to file. I asked to have a couple weeks to find my own lawyer...which I actually see next Tuesday. Hopefully this guy can work some magic!
I know its only a piece of paper, but man I feel like my world has spiraled out of control again. This is NOT how our R is going to go!! We WILL work, and I WILL fight to the end!
I know a lot of you guys feel so lost and confused when your H's say they want to come back, but then say not and then say yes; but I've not once heard those words. I wanted to feel hope that he was just a crazy MLCer, and he still is, but he's so stuck on getting out that there is no hope left.
I'm going to have to go dim. I have to get away and hope and pray to the Lord above that He will intervene to save us! No one else can!!
Oh, Atsbaby, I'm so sorry about tonight. It's one thing to talk about a betrayal with OW but another betrayal was his reading your journal. My H has done the same and part of his anger is because "of all the terrible things I said about him". Truth is, I use journaling to help me get it all out and work through it all. Of course he only read a "getting it all out" entry. It's still a violation of your privacy and shouldn't be glossed over. It just adds to your inability to trust him and for that I am sorry.
His "can't discuss it" statement is BS. No attorney would advise their client to not discuss marriage counseling. What a crock.
Hang in there. You're in the thick of it but I'm thinking about you. (((hugs)))
does anyone know why this post has an (!) beside it when looking at active threads? What does that mean?
Hi ats,
Time for him to distance once again. He intentionally didn't help with the kids because he has convinced himself that evil W thinks he is a "bad" father so instead of showing you by his actions that he is a good father, he did the opposite. I got this type of thing from my W. All I would do is say something like "I wish you would come home earlier so we all can eat together" and I would get her coming home later and later, acting cold, etc. Until she would say something about my calling her a "bad" mother! I never once even thought this but she worked herself up until she was just so sure that was how I felt. This, I think, is how they end up blaming us for being the cause of their bad feelings. Things were going well between you. He was enjoying being together. This doesn't jibe with his decision that YOU are the problem, not to mention the fact that he now thinks that you are still there, still wanting to have a R. So, what is it that he can point to that reinforces his decision that YOU are the problem? Well, lets see, the other day you said something about how unsafe it was for S to ride in the Jeep without the doors on. He thinks about this and thinks about this and works it up in his mind to you saying he was a "Bad father". How dare she say this! Back to you being the "bad guy".
I saw this play out over and over with my W in the year she was still at home after B-day, as well as before B-day to a lesser extent (or maybe I just didn't see it as clearly). My W would say to her girl friends that I was saying she was a bad mother or trying to "guilt" her when I never did any such thing. This may be what your H was doing here.
Just something I was thinking, hope it helps.
It's the icon on the top when you are replying to a post. There are some cute expressions
BTW,it defaults on the journal symbol.
Ss,
Thanks for the hugs. Boy do I need them. I let him have it about looking into my journal. H admitted that he was sorry and he even looked remorseful.
Thanks Mighty for the support, but you posted before I got to the worst part! Hopefully it does get better. I WANT him in my life. I know I don't NEED him. I've proven that the last 4 months (sort of). I know I'll be ok no matter what happens, but it still hurts like he!!.
He still wants to be friends after this. I told him I wasn't sure if I could be. He looked hurt...good! Ok not really, but maybe a nice reality check for him.
I know a lot of you guys feel so lost and confused when your H's say they want to come back, but then say not and then say yes; but I've not once heard those words. I wanted to feel hope that he was just a crazy MLCer, and he still is, but he's so stuck on getting out that there is no hope left.
Atsbaby, I'm so sorry.
I think he IS just a crazy MLCer. I guess some of them are crazier than others. Some are worse, some are better. Not sure if the yo yo dance is better than the full-on run out the door, but it obviously still hurts like a mother.
Sorry ats,
I was writing my last post while your next ones were being written! Oh, my, reading your journal! The nail in the coffin of my M came when my W read something on another blog. She didn't tell me until 2 months later! She said that I must have been the person who wrote the one post she read but of course, it could have been someone responding to a post I had written. I asked what it said that got her so upset? She said I said things that I NEVER wrote in any post! She got so upset saying I was "lying" about it her to other people. When I pointed out that even if I had written that post (which I don't think I did), no one knows who she is (or I am for that matter)! It didn't matter what I said, she had made up her mind that I thought "bad" things about her and that I lied about her, etc.
It really doesn't matter what you wrote in that journal. He wanted to find something bad, something that justifies his actions and choices. He had no right to read it but as an MLCer is want to do, the rules don't apply to them! I'm so sorry to hear about you finding OW. You knew about in your heart already, ats, it really isn't news. I wish I knew what you should do from here but I can't tell you. My W used what she thought I said about her to tell herself she was right that I thought badly of her and never really came back from it. That was when she took off her ring and never slept in our bed with me again. Of course it wasn't my fault that she chose to read something like that nor how she took it. All it was was a way for her to justify what she wanted to do and because I wasn't giving her a reason to run (I was DBing my butt off at the time) she couldn't use my real actions, she finally found something she could point to and say "I KNEW he felt I was a "bad W""!
Stay strong. It's not over yet. Keep DBing for yourself and your kids. No matter what happens, you will make it through this!
After sleeping on it, or tossing and turning a lot, H hasn't really done anything different. He has shown no action of filing that I didn't know about, other than when he retained, they drew up the paper work.
Thanks Matt and Nitty. I would never wish my enemy to ever go through this nightmare. MLC stinks and the fact that you can't convince them to slow down and think things through.
There are times when I see so much clarity from him that I wonder if it's MLC, but I guess any normal person would be able to hold a conversation and actually tell you what went wrong and actually want to fix it.
I can't go dark because of the kids, but he had said when this all started that when I was away or he was away he never missed me. He still hasn't given me the chance to get away for him to miss me.
I don't know what to do.
He did admit that he had fun golfing, but it felt like we were two friends out there. I told him that's how it starts, by being friends...that's how we started our relationship 19 years ago. He started to get mad and I stopped talking.
I also backslid by throwing his ea from 3 years ago in his face, telling him that's when we should have gone to counseling, but he refused!
It's going to be a long day!
Good morning ats,
I got the same thing from my W, telling me how she never missed me when she went away to visit her father or when she went out of town for work. She would tell me that it just "proved" that she would be "happier" alone. Of course she enjoyed going away. She didn't have any of the day to day worries of running a household and taking care of kids. It's ALWAYS nice to get away for a bit, alone, here and there. Not only that, the only way to do that is if you have someone around who loves you enough to take care of all the things that you would normally be needing to do when you went away. It's part of the script of the MLCer. Again, I really think that they blow everything out of proportion that can possibly show that running away is the thing to do. That "validates" that the answer to feeling "better" is as easy as just ending the M.
Right after B-day, I started to ask my W to do more things with me. We would go out and do things and she would have fun but she would later say "I enjoy doing things with you. I always have fun when we're doing stuff together. That's not the problem.". It's not the problem because the "problem" isn't the M or the LBS and never was! The problem is inside of them. The problem is they are in crisis and until they face that, face the real reasons they feel so empty inside and are trying to fill that void with all the things they try (like OP, losing weight, changing friends, going out, etc) they will continue to feel that pain, keep looking for outside reasons and answers (like destroying their M and family). My W once told me that she is the type of person who thinks to be happy, she must do what happy people do. So, how many "happy" people has she heard of who got that way by leaving a 20 + year M? I haven't found one example of a single person who got a D after a long M that felt glad later on that they did. All I ever see is story after story of people who, after some time has past post D, wish that they hadn't gone through with it.
Hang in there ats. I know how hard this is and you are getting much of the same Stuff I got. I remember when my W was saying the same stuff your H is, acting the way he is, I was told "You can't argue with crazy". You can make perfect sense, you can show him all the valid reasons that your M and you aren't the cause of all his distress but it won't make a bit of difference in the state of mind he is in. Just keep in mind that it really isn't you or your M. You didn't cause him to be like this and nothing you do can fix it. It's up to him to see the truth for himself. In the meantime take this time to work on making yourself a better, stronger person!
Thanks Matt. You really make me think differently about what he's been saying. This just shows me I'm still very emotionally attached and haven't pulled away like I did before...it's my poor choices of intimacy.
It really stinks that we have to ride the crazy train with them. Apparently I'm getting off sooner since H wants to proceed with D. I have the book "The Solo Partner" by Phil Deluca. I skipped to the last chapters talking about pursuer and distancer. The following chapter is a workbook on yourself to stop pursuing. I'm pursuing and I just haven't figured out how, but I think it could be that I'm giving in too quickly to his wants.
Unfortunately S10 came home sick today, but it does give me a couple hours to focus on this self reflection. Many of the same techniques he suggests match with db and Sandi2's rules.
I will be stronger and people I have told my story to IRL, have told me that I'm stronger than they could every be. It helps me know that I'm doing good on the outside and people are seeing this strong person, even though I don't feel it on the inside.
Apparently H was pretty receptive to a few things last night.
H left work and called the house to talk with the kids before he went to do football weighins. Said he wanted to talk with them a bit.
Then h asked d9 to put me back on the phone...wtf? Asked if I got an email from coach re s10 practice tomorrow. Yes...blah, blah, blah..." Okay well I'll be home afterwards."
Did he really just call this home? I'm sure a slip of the tongue, but he hasn't called our house home in months. Then he actually told me bye....yes he hardly tells this to anyone, has been one of my complaints forever. He typically says it to those he cares for: mom, grandmother, me when we were good.
Not looking into anything, just things I noticed. We still have a very long road. Wish I had caught this the first time he left then we could be healing by now, oh well.
We'll see how tonight goes once he gets here.
H showed up at 8:45. We put the kids to bed and then I went to bed...how about that for a 180! Avoided him and got a decent amount of sleep. Plus haven't been feeling well. Think it's the allergies.
So yesterday s10 went to dr. Strep and mild dehydration. My dad took him and I was waiting to hear back. Called and left a message after 1 1/2, but I know how dr offices can be. About 30 minutes later H calls. I tell him I haven't heard anything and he says, "I called your dad. They just got home. Told him I'd call and let you know." WTF?
His mo has always been text, not talking to me via phone! Again another shock for me.
For whatever reason, today was a struggle. I must just be in an emotional funk, plus I think I'm close to that lovely visit from my monthly guest. Anyways, I'm expecting too much from him...email or text or something. I NEED TO STOP EXPECTATIONS!
He did email me some pics from last nights football practice. S got to go to the local university and practice at an indoor facility....8 million dollars! It was pretty nice, but would have been better air conditioned, just saying!
I just looked at the pics and was really surprised H sent one of him and s together. Whatever. I'm done dancing. I need to move forward and I'm struggling.
On H way home tonight, he called to say he would stop and get one of those bagsters so we could clean up our yard from deck building. He has been saying this since March, when I thought we were still good. Why is he being so clear these days? I don't like it cause he's still wanting D.
I think I'm just going to have to accept that a d will come long before r. If that even happens. I could be feeling the pressure also since I meet with an Atty Tuesday. I really don't want to, but need to.
Life just stinks right now!
Uuughhhhh these MLC H's are just such dingalings.... I'm sorry your day is low on the PMA scale. Mine, too.
Has your H filed for D? Or is it the looming threat of filing that is weighing on you... Pure mental and emotional terrorism. Either way, I'm sorry for your pain today.
I'm struggling right along with you. We WILL come through this stronger. (So they say... Everything else they've said is true, so I'm going with it!)
Hang in here, Ats....I'm following your sitch and we'll support each other from afar
It's prepared but not filed.
So I'm already in a not so PMA when H brings up convo from Tuesday night. He pretty much called me a liar, and did I db? NO! My lovely self decided to defend and attack, with some validation. Man am I digging deeper into the abyss!
I finally ended the conversation and said I'm not going to say anything else I'll regret. He did say that "I feel like D is the way I need to go at this time." Why do I try? Because I'm stuck!
On a positive note, well negative first, he's still talking to OW...what 3 days later and your back together...MLC nightmare. Anyways, h mentioned that he was going to resign from his board position from football league because he has too many things on his plate. Then he tried to mind read me saying that I thought it was ow that caused our breakup! Well I told him I know it's not and I'm pretty sure he still doesn't know why. He looked a little confused but agreed.
Think the light might be slowly coming on that all's not well in the head category!
I'm having a rough day already. I have to fill out the L forms about splitting everything. I haven't cried this hard in a long time.
I cant believe my life has come to this. My poor children haven't even felt anything yet. They have no clue what their dad is getting ready to do to us. I fing hate what H is doing to me. EVERYTHING is joined. I will lose so much out of this!
Why couldn't he just be some evil man that I hate? It would be so much easier if I really wanted out, but I don't and I don't want to do any of this. I keep wishing I'd wake up from this nightmare I now call life.
Ats, I'm sorry you are struggling.
It takes a while to reach the point where you see the how this experience changes you in a good way. I promise, at some point, you will even be able to see the silver lining for your kids.
It's painful and it's rotten and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...at the same time, you come out the other end as a new and improved version of YOU. You are developing skills that will make anything life throws at you seem piddly.
Cry the tears. Let it out. But, also allow yourself to get a bit excited for the good things ahead. There ARE good things ahead.
This experience forces you to deal with every issue you ever swept under the rug. If you face it with honesty and courage, you will realize you have been given an opportunity to change your life in ways you never would have otherwise...good ways.
Good things are around the corner. Smile and tell yourself, "Cheer up, I can handle it!"
Hey Ats. I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I remember how painful that it. I was doing the same thing in April. It is terrible. And we had everything together too, (except what I think he was hiding- and I didn't push for him to disclose everything- long story, just be careful and remember- BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT THEY SAY!) including rental units and business accounts.
Chances are, he does not want to lose you, that is scary for him, but he feels he needs to do this for some reason. It's so hard to accept that. I can tell you this, once you get past this part, it will get a little easier. It does not mean everything is over and there is no hope. I just thought in my head, I would give him the d and he could check that off the list and hopefully see that was a mistake. I wasn't going to really let it change what I believed.
It is really difficult going through what you are going through right now, and my heart goes out to you. It is only temporary. Keep in mind that whatever the outcome, it will get better! This is another bump in the road, but it is not eternal.
Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your feelings. Then move through them onto the next.
Your kids will be OK because you are strong, you are fun, you are great! You will be their rock and provide love and affirmation to them. The will grasp onto that and appreciate it. They may appear to take any frustrations out on you, but that's because they feel safe with you. They know your love is unconditional.
Thanks ladies. I know everyone says it gets better, it's just dealing with the he!!
Positive, realized I got a raise this new school year, every penny counts!
Went to the movies with kids and enjoyed time with them before s football game.
Just heard my niece was in a car accident last night...she's okay, but I guess when it rains it pours!
I'm reading the book "Excuse me, your life is waiting" which was recommended by one of the posters. I believe she found it very helpful, she is a success story. It's positive thinking and feelings...what I need right now!!!
Ats, it does pour, for sure! I'm sorry your day hasn't been great, and also sorry to hear about your niece.
Let me know how you like that book? You and I are in a similar place, mentally and emotionally....if you like it, I'll check it out!
Congrats on the raise! Every little bit helps!
Atsbaby, I had to fill out the forms, too, and cried my eyes out.
Three decades of building a life together, summarized on a couple of forms with columns of numbers. Everything we know about to be hacked to hell by a machete called the Big D.
I'm hoping it's true that it gets better. Have faith!