http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473969&page=1Previous thread linked above.
Locked out of my old thread darn it all...Was hoping to make one more post to Beatrice.
And Bea, if you are reading, I don't know if a place would question J coming in with OW and D or not. As I have stated before, D is a bit dramatic and I do not think for a moment she will be calm and sit quietly. J said "she's tough", but also he knows she has a flair for the dramatic (as demonstrated last night when I was attempting to wash dirt off her face). She is very likely to create a scene and if there is one thing J does NOT like, it's a scene. So I scheduled an appointment at a salon for kids, which specializes in children. They have videos on their website of girls who just got their ears pierced saying how it didn't hurt. I feel better about taking her to a place like this. I will ask S's on-again/off-again girlfriend if she wants to come along. That may help immensely.
D and S's soccer seasons are picking up for the month of August and both of them will need new practice shirts. I called J and told him I would buy D two shirts if he would buy S two shirts. He said it was a deal. He then went on to say he wasn't very happy with the new administration of the soccer group. I said I too had reservations since we were "under new management" and was hoping things would go well and was keeping my fingers crossed. They have a new policy that each family has to write a check for $200 and give it to the board and if the 10 volunteer hours are not met, the board will cash the check. That sent J into a fury. I said I planned to work my 5 hours at the concession stand (as much as I hate it) for the upcoming tournament and that he will just have to put in his 5 as well. He made an excuse that he has the kids the weekend of the tournament so he isn't sure how it will work out. I told him that S will be refereeing and D will be playing and if he needed help during those volunteer hours I would be glad to help. He kind of shrugged it off. At first I thought he was trying to keep the kids from me, but now I realize he just doesn't want to volunteer and if I help him out then his excuse goes down the drain.
He went on to tell me "someone on this new board needs to get their @$$ kicked". I said, why? Because we have to buy new practice shirts?? I mean come on now. He said he suspects this year isn't going to go well with the new commander in chief (who also happens to be S's soccer coach). He also added that the coach "knows who J is and knows J has no problem letting him know his opinion". This is why the coach told me in private he thinks J is a jack-wagon.
This soccer season is going to be interesting to say the least.
In other news, D has the opportunity to tryout to dance in "The Nutcracker". I don't know if she is more excited, or if I am? I already talked to J about it and he has no problem with it, thank goodness. D's ballet teacher said D is ready to move on to the more advanced class of Ballet 1, so after her class on Monday we will sit in on the Ballet 1 class and see what it is all about. D also wants to take Irish Dance, which exhausts me just watching it. I signed D up for an Irish Dance workshop so she could get a real taste of it before we sign her up for the real thing. I think it may be a bit fast-paced for D, but we will see.
Lots and lots going on. So much excitement. I am so busy with the kids, I barely have time for myself. That needs to be a larger priority, but I guess I feel I lived my youth and now I want to make sure they enjoy theirs. I am still looking for a ballet class to take. It's never too late to learn, is it?
I have to start packing for our week-long vacation to North Carolina. It's been two years since we went there and the kids are really excited. It will be nice to get away and get a change of scenery.
WH
Had a good day today. I took D to get her ears pierced. I was hesistant because she has a flair for the dramatics. Instead of taking her to the mall I found a place which specializes in kids ear piercing and hair styling. They were very thorough and less expensive than the mall where I could see some teenage girl messing up on D's ears and I would have drama. D never even flinched. Things have changed dramatically since the days when I got mine pierced back in the 80s.
I told J about it and D wanted him to be there so he showed up with OW in tow. S seemed surprised she was there and I said they go everywhere together. Its the schmoopy and schmoopy show. OW stayed in the car at first until J talked to D and she gave him the all clear. Apparently she told J not to bring OW because mom said no. But I told her it was ok if OW is here as long as mom is there too. OW was pretty quiet. Not quiet enough, but she knew this was a mom/daughter thing. She took a back seat begrudglingly. I paid for the earrings and the procedure. J didn't even make a motion toward his wallet. Lol!
Took the kids back to school shopping too. They don't need a lot, but it's always nice to have some new things for school. S picked out a backpack that was over $50. I told him to let his dad buy it. I bought D's backpack, have bought most of the supplies thus far, I will send up buying their shoes so J can buy the expensive backpack. I'm gonna have him buy glue sticks too, because buying two dozen gluesticks adds up.
I suspect S is back with his GF. She is over with her little sisters. The littlest one asked me if I am alone sometimes and I said yes, I am, but I'm okay. I get some peace and quiet and I get to watch whatever I want on tv. She said yeah because kids can be noisy sometimes. I said yes. And I said I have lots of friends too, so it's okay. I am okay and I believe it now. I miss my kids, but I'm okay. I am on my own and I am doing okay. Better than okay.
And the upstairs neighbor installed a new door latch for me and gave me a bunch of fresh veggies from their garden. I am truly blessed.
It gets better. Sometimes you don't know it's getting better, until it smacks you in the face.
WH
Wh I posted a reply to you on the fear thread!
Thanks GGrass. I appreciate your comments.
I will agree in that it is all about keeping up appearances. For a long time after BD J did not want anyone to know about us. It's like he wanted to sweep reality under the rug. Just like him and I being friends. All about creating the illusion. Smoke and mirrors. Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear.
I still don't know about fear. I think it's control and money. I keep wondering what he sees in this woman? It doesn't matter but I'm still curious. I guess the main charm is that she isn't me. J did say before "it could have been anybody".
Heck of a way to live your life. Jus' saying.
WH
Narcs are all about smoke and mirrors.
They manipulate you into their way of thinking. They can even make you think the sky is purple.
The narcs biggest fear is the truth.
They fear people see thru the mask to the nasty truth underneath.
My friend who was married to a narc who went MLC is relieved to be no longer married to him. Someone posted that they are like vampires. Although she was devastated by the bomb drop she now realises that his pre MLC personality was pretty toxic to be around.
OW may be like the woman who went for a ride on a tiger! If you think about their being joined at the hip - she is needy and he is getting his ego stoked (and stroked). At some point one or other will get bored and want more.
Yeah, it's could be a massive train wreck. He's running around like a chookless head in my eyes!
My weekend was awesome, pre bd, it was running round listening to spew. Maybe my nights update should be a comparison. Althought it would sound like a bitach fest!
I did share a water with the new bf! Ok so he snuck up to my water glasses and cameled (as In drank) the lost! Guess he's committed for life, lol
I remember when I found out about OW, J made a million excuses about how he never meant for it to happen...typical excuses. But he said something that got my attention: he said in all the craziness and all the crap and bad things that happened in the year 2011, he desperately needed to find some happiness to sort out the mess that was going on in his head. I don't think he even realized what he said to me. There was an aha moment for me, but not for him.
J's childhood was horrible too. Lots of dysfunction and drama. Put together a narcissistic, entitled mother and an alcoholic deadbeat father and you get J. His life has been one drama after another. His oldest aunt on his mom's side told me she thinks that when his mom's health hit the skids and his favorite aunt passed away he was pulled back into his past and all the memories came flooding back. She told me "WH, my childhood was not the best, and Lord knows J's childhood was not the best either. When my sister(J's mom) got sick and my other sister died, I felt myself getting pulled back into those memories and those horrible years. I had to fight to remember who I was and to finally put those feelings to rest". She guessed J wasn't able to fight those emotions he supressed for so long.
Maybe taking care of OW he feels is a replacement for taking care of his mom? And he blames me for his mom being in the position she's in. But of course, that's ridiculous. It has nothing to do with me.
I knew J was going to blow long before he did. I saw it coming. Like a train wreck, but unable to stop the wreckage. Just shield yourself and hope you don't get hit with the shrapnel and of course I did. I thought J was going to have a breakdown and of course he did. But not according to him. According to him he just could not take any more abuse from me. He had to get out of a miserable existence.
And of course to him everything is fine. Kids are from a broken home, have to endure OW and her baggage, their mom is pushed out of the only home they know, etc. But everything else is business as usual. Minus one woman and insert the next. I guess to him I was just a number. Replaceable.
But I am fine. Better than before but I HATE not seeing the kids every day. J may be fine with it, but I'm not. It's not so terrible if I at least get to see them but if I go a few days without seeing them I get the shakes. But I still would rather live in a hostel than spend 10 minutes in that house with J again. So many people have told me that even though my place is smaller, it's much better than the house because my place is warm and I inviting and full of love. The house is just a house. D's friend told me last night how she loved my house and how it looked like it was right out of a magazine. Lol! So sweet.
Kids and I are hitting the state fair tomorrow. Looking forward to it. Cream puffs, pig races, giant slide, lemonade...doesn't get better than that!!!!! And 25 cent milk!
WH
WH,
Now that sounds fun! Enjoy the fair with the kids:-)
Had a great time at the fair today. We didn't leave as easy as I hoped, but I know there is a lot of construction in that area and I didn't want to get stuck in morning rush hour. We still got up early, but it was already a madhouse to park and get there. But we got a good parking spot near the Milwaukee Mile and the kids were excited we got to park on the racetrack. We were close to the entrance and even closer to the ride area where we went first. The ride section of the park opened at 10:00 and I already had bought tickets ahead of time. And the family special today was ride the rides before 3:00 and pay only 3 tickets. After 3:00 the rides were 5 tickets. So we were there as they opened and the kids got their pick of all the rides and no crowd. Nice. I didn't realize how far the tickets would go and we were in the ride part of the park for longer than I thought we would be. But then we got lemonade and caramel corn and went through the displays and saw the animals. They had a section with Jelly Belly as the sponsor so we got several packets of jelly belly beans too. Then next door was the cream puff pavilion and then the 25 cent milk. We saw the pig races and decided we were exhausted so we decided to head home. We had already been there 5-1/2 hours and we were dragging. I love the fair but I hate the crowds. They stress me out and irritate me. I am a woman who knows where I want to get and people who lollygag and mosey get on my nerves. Lol. So in that regard J was right. I am a raging B when people get in my way. It's hard to hide your displeasure when behind a crowd of slow moving gawkers. And I get the importance of strollers, but I have to say now that I don't need them they really get on my nerves.
I texted J a pic of D with cream all over her face and he called me. Apparently he got another escrow check he needs me to sign. Grrrrrr...and he can't pay me what he needs to pay me. We got on the subject of back to school since he had S try on all his pants at my place because he was too busy. Whatever, s has shot up and slimmed down so the pants that were too tight last year are loose on him now, so they all fit. I told H and he asked me what size fit the best and I told him 30/32 fit S best right now. I heard OW mutter something in the background and J asked me if that size was similar to a 16 or 18 in boys? I asked why? I said I don't think so because S had a bunch of 16s that did not fit him in the least. I said he needs a young man's cut now, not a kids and there is a difference. Again I heard OW mutter. J said well Old Navy has a sale on kids' jeans and they are cheap. Nice. I suggested J stick with the size that fits best since S is particular about how his clothes fit. He is a teenager after all. I told S about it and he just said ew. Lol. I also told J that S found a backpack and wanted me to buy it, but I held off because the deal is I bought D's backpack and J was to buy S's. Of course S's choice is three times the cost of D's. I told S if his dad refused to buy him a backpack I would get it but I told him to get something nice...good quality. Not something cheap so we have to get another backpack in three months.
I also got clothes for D and S and shoes for D. I'll see if J buys shoes for S. I have a feeling that J will be less and less willing to put out money for things the kids need. But I will put off what I want to get the kids what they want. J won't do that. I am also sending J a list of school supplies. H
We will see what he actually buys.
Oh and I told the kids we need to get the dog's nails trimmed because they are gnarly. S said that's because OW trimmed them herself to save money. Poor dog. No wonder that dog hates her.
WH
You could learn to trim them its not hard.
Sharp cutters and whoola!
Glad the far was ok and the kids had fun.
It's not difficult trimming the nails. Go to any pet supply aisle and look for the clippers.
As for the school supplies, there are some great sales going on now at Target, Walmart and Kmart.
I'm glad all of you enjoyed your day yesterday.
That's okay. I'll pay the $10 and have a professional do it. I don't want to take the chance hurting him. It's $10 every two months or so. It's worth it.
I have my part of the school supplies nearly finished. It's J who will put it off and complain about his part. I guess I should be used to it.
WH
Yes, I used to do it on our German Shepherd but it's easy to cut too close and then you have a hard time stopping the bleeding, even with a styptic pencil.
My dog's nails are black and I know they are long, but I don't can't tell where the nail starts and the quick ends. I would be afraid not only of the bleeding but also of the chance of infection. I remember when S was tiny I trimmed his razor-sharp nails and he wiggled (as babies do) and I cut too much and got a snip of his precious little finger. He wailed and it bled and I felt like the worst mom ever. When D was tiny I never cut her nails. I always used a nail file. Talk about taking forever! LOL!
And no, I am not using a nail file on the dog.
Any suggestions on the best price for an inflatable mattress for camping? I want one that is self-inflating and doesn't need electric in case we are at a campsite with no electric. I found one at Tuesday Morning for a great price, but they only had one, and I would like to get two. Under $40 would be great. Craiglist is iffy for that stuff because people want too much for it (listing it as "vintage") or it has a hole. Besides I am iffy about that since this whole bedbug thing came about.
Gonna have to come up with some things to do to keep me occupied while the kids have another seven day stint with their dad. I know I need to pack for our trip, laundry, vacuuming, etc with some fun thrown in as well. I need to make arrangements for our end of summer camping trip too.
WH
Hey there
I'll keep my eyes open at Goodwill and such. I would like some other camping stuff too. I found a
A little irritated. I talked to J today and he asked me to drop off the kids in the morning. I asked him if he was going to be around tomorrow and of course he said no. So nice. I get to drop the kids of with that woman. I knew it would happen but it makes me mad. J should be the one taking care of them, not OW. He will just go back to living his life like nothing ever happened. His existence where he gets to do whatever he wants and have free daycare to boot. In reality if he can't watch the kids for four hours at a time they should come to me. It bugs me but it shouldn't.
I am hoping one day this stuff won't bother me as much,
WH
Not sure if you have a Dremel in USA but sit like a round file thing attached to a drill motor.
You can file dog nails that way, the experts and breeders say its ok. Not something I have tired but bf nails and long and given he reclines so much getting longer but the day.
No no dremel and I imagine for the cost of one I could get the dog's nails trimmed a few times over. Besides I would rather keep that job for the professionals.
WH
They are a little round stone type attachment I'm sure for most drills, they sell for a few bucks. If you have a drill, drill are handy things and most households have one.
No, I don't have a drill. And I probably won't be buying one anytime soon. Too many other things on my must have list.
Found a four dollar lamp for my bedroom just need a shade. And found a pillow pet for D. Two dollars. Paid over $30 when they first came out years ago. Patience pays off I guess.
WH
So seven days without the kids. I guess it's time to let go and start really living my life for me and just stop pretending.
I was talking to my boss today and she said sometimes you are just afraid to cross that line and say "it's okay to live for you". And she is right. I don't feel like it's the right thing to do. I lived my life for me and now I think my kids should come first. She told me it was okay to do this. She told me part of me still feels like I am married with children and she is right. I know I have heard it from these boards and I thought I was starting to live for myself and I can see now I have only taken baby steps.
Still dealing with frustration with J who wanted to know this morning how we are handling the volunteer fees for the kids' soccer. In the past the club has charged if volunteer hours were not met, but this year each family needs to write a check for $200 and the club will hold it and if hours are not met they will cash it and if hours ARE met, they will give the check back. J expected me to give him half the money in cash since I don't carry a checkbook. I told him they aren't cashing the checks until the end of the year and ONLY IF you don't meet your hour requirements. I told him if he puts in 5 hours and I put in 5 hours, then we should be good. If we don't meet those hours and they cash the check, then I will give you half the money at that time. This serves two purposes: it gives J incentive to actually work the required number of hours and it prevents me from giving him cash for something he hasn't officially paid for yet. If I give him cash and we meet the hours then I have to depend on him to give me that money back. I would have better luck waiting for pennies to rain down from heaven.
WH
You know, you CAN have both - you can be a good mom who puts her kids first, AND you can start creating a life for yourself.
Remember, you need to model for your kids what a successful adult life looks like - including adult friendships and social life.
Also you need to create a life for yourself so that when your kids are grown, you're not that clingy mom who hasn't got anything else in her life but her kids.
Living well IS the best revenge. Get out there and LIVE your dreams!
You are right, KML. Totally.
But I do feel it necessary to be around in case J can't commit and we all know that can happen. I don't feel relieved to know he and OW are on the job.
So at S's soccer meeting there was a fundraising activity. J had no problem handing that assignment right over to me. Lol!!! It just makes me laugh.
The more things change the more they stay the same.
WH
Two more days of not having the kids and I will be on a week-long vaca with them. I can't wait!!! I have been trying my damdest to concentrate on me and get things done. But I miss them terribly. Things are not as fun when there is no one to share them with.
I got some camping supplies for our upcoming camping trip over labor day. Last minute a cancellation popped up for my favorite state park. Usually you have to book at this park a year in advance. I am very excited. BUT I just realized this site isn't electric and our air mattress has a built-in electric pump. DOH! two steps forward three steps back. No good deed goes unpunished I guess.
Finally got the area rug I have been wanting for under my dining room table. I have been eyeballing it since I moved in. It was marked down clearance. By that time there was only one left, but I got it. It looks so great! I finally have a little but of money so I can start to buy inexpensive things to decorate. I still have a ways to go with my debt, but debt #2 has one more payment and then another one is off the list. Building up steam to chug forward. Then I pay off my counslor's bill which won't take much and then my department store bill which isn't too horrible. The question is do I then start attacking my credit card which I pay interest on and is a higher balance, or my GAL fees which is a lower balance, but interest free? My attorney fees will have to get paid off too. I am hoping to hold off getting a different vehicle for another year.
So S has been texting me all day. He is bored and doesn't want to be at the campground with his dad and OW and her kids. He said dad was all stressed out and freaking out and yelling at people and the little kids were on the playground with no one watching them. Apparently J and OW went for a long walk so J could "cool down". Yeesh. S said the campground wasn't much of a campground. More of a resort with very few trees and lots of pavement and toys. I prefer to camp in nature with peace and quiet and relaxation. J and OW prefer to have "fun" surround them and lots of bright lights and distractions. To each their own, but I like the simpler things I guess. Part of camping is to get into nature and unwind. That's what I like to do. Look at the stars, drink a beer or glass of wine, and just smell the pine trees and feel the fresh air on your face. It's difficult to do that at a "camp resort". It's just one big party.
Let me just say I am sooooooooo glad I'm not there. Especially with J when he's in one of those moods. Ugh! I tried to text and call him tonight so I could talk to the kids. S called me from his phone and I told him to have his dad let D call. He didn't. I finally called J's phone and he wouldn't answer. I was starting to get really ticked especially when S said J had his phone right next to him. J finally told S to call with his phone and then to have D talk to me. Not sure what J's issue was. Must have had a fly fall into his beer or something.
J also talked a big talk about getting the kids the rest of the school supplies I didn't get. I asked S what his dad picked up for him he said nothing, just clothes. So we will see if J makes good on his promise to get school supplies. I am not holing my breath.
Man I just wish I had a crystal ball. Or could be a fly on the wall to get a front row seat to this train wreck.
WH
There was a soccer picnic/parent meeting for D's soccer academy tonight. I needed to pay for her practice shirts and sign some forms so I showed up stag. I sat with S's girlfriend's mom who has also become a very good friend of mine. The coaches talked about the dreaded cookie dough sale which my friend and I both hate and they discussed the mandatory 10 volunteer hours per family. I told my friend I signed up for my 5 hours immediately when the email came out last week but that J was gonna have to take the other five hours because I was not working all the hours but I told her I knew J thought he could convince me to just work the full 10 hours so he wouldn't have to. She asked me if she should text him and tell him he better get on the stick and pick his jobs asap because now the academy knows about it and spots will be filled soon? I giggled and said sure. He will make sure to do it if someone besides me tells him to. She said J called her back right away but she didn't answer. Lol.
So guess who calls me tonight as I am relaxing on the couch? Why yes, it's J. Asking me if I had signed US up for the tournament. I said, uh, I signed MYSELF up for hours, but I didn't sign you up for anything. He was put out that I didn't. Really? So I said to J, how would I know to sign you up? Why would I? For one thing I don't know your schedule or what you are willing to do. I told him to look at the website and figure it out. He said he gets poor reception atthe campsite and can't access Internet. Bull****! he's 45 minutes away in a RV resort that touts it has free wifi. He's not in some remote part of the national forest or something.
He told me to go ahead and sign him up for anything except concessions. Any time but Friday because he has to work. Lol! I can't believe he still expects me to clean up after him like that.
I think he has OW around for the "fun" stuff and wants me around to take care of the responsibilities. I swear he thinks he has a harem.
Part of me wants to go ahead and sign him up for the crappy hours and crappy jobs just to tick him off. I wish there was a job for bathroom duty.
WH
You won't lift a finger...right? WH?
I am very excited. BUT I just realized this site isn't electric and our air mattress has a built-in electric pump.
I love camping! I also have an air mattress with a built-in electric pump. I bring
this device and plug it into my car's lighter port.
On our last trip, the device blew a fuse, so I went to the bathroom where there was an outlet and filled up the mattress there. It's lightweight and easily carried.
Kudos on getting the camping reservation! I've never been able to get a last minute cancellation like that in a super-popular campground. It's like winning the lottery!
He told me to go ahead and sign him up for anything except concessions. Any time but Friday because he has to work. Lol! I can't believe he still expects me to clean up after him like that.
You told him to go shove a concession up his... Right?
I am very excited. BUT I just realized this site isn't electric and our air mattress has a built-in electric pump.
I love camping! I also have an air mattress with a built-in electric pump. I bring
this device and plug it into my car's lighter port.
On our last trip, the device blew a fuse, so I went to the bathroom where there was an outlet and filled up the mattress there. It's lightweight and easily carried.
Kudos on getting the camping reservation! I've never been able to get a last minute cancellation like that in a super-popular campground. It's like winning the lottery!
Hi Nitty, thanks for posting.
This took me to a site with multiple things. I am assuming you were referring to the item at the top of the page? One thing I have learned in my many years is never to assume. I also never thought about taking it into the bathroom. We are not far from the bathroom so that's a good idea.
WH
I didn't tell him to shove anything guys, but I wanted to. And no, I haven't lifted a finger. But I don't want to be rude or mean because right now he has my kids and I need him to get them back to me by a decent time tomorrow or it throws off my plans. It would be just like him to get p*ssed and "unintentionally" run into traffic or some unforseeable event which delays him getting them back to me. I am not signing up his spots but I am not going to be nasty about it. It won't matter if I am or not. Part of me does want to be nasty and sign him up for something miserable but I am trying not to sink to his level. I can't believe he would trust me enough to ask him to sign him up. Besides he needs to register on this new volunteer system and he doesn't get that fact.
I had a horrible morning. I went to take the dog out and saw he was sniffing around his crate. I thought he saw a bug or spider or something. So I took him out and when we came back in he went back into S's room to the same spot. I was looking to see what he was chasing and there was a dam frog in the room!!! OMG I almost had a frickin heart attack!!! The dog was trying to eat it and I was NOT going to touch it and I was freaking out looking for something to scoop it up with to get it the he!! out of my house! YUK YUK YUK! okay I have a flair for the dramatic but I do NOT want frogs in my house. GROSS!
I don't know how the he!! that thing got in there, but I was disgusted. I called the landlord to see if he knew of any cracks in the foundation and of course he didn't. I think there is a tear in the screen by S's window and if he left it open it could have gotten in that way I guess, but YUK! He has been with J since last Wednesday and I don't think I have opened the window since. EWWWW it makes me want to move out.
I told my mom I don't know if I can ever sleep again. Blech!
WH
WH,
I'm sorry to hear about the poor toad. At least it wasn't a snake! If you have a hardware store near you, you might want to pick up a screen patch. They are small enough to stick over the torn screen w/o having to wait on your landlord to fix the screen. Cost is less than $10. Easy to stick them on and they do work.
Oh Lord, Job...don't even mention it. Of course, I did think about that. If I had a snake in my house I would run away screaming and never come back. I would hire movers to take out the stuff and to unpack it outside so no snakes would get in the new place. GAG!
Funny thing is last night I thought I heard a cricket chirping in the house. It was really loud. It must have been that dam frog. YUK!
It's gonna take me a while to get past this. A mouse I would expect. A frog, not so much.
WH
Wait....a clever frog prince made it all the way into your house and you didn't kiss him and release him from the evil spell????
kml - my thoughts exactly - they hop into my bedroom all the time, as it has a balcony (much better than mice which are vermin) but not one of them has turned into a prince, not one!!
Keep trying, Bea!!!
WH, I am not suggesting that you be mean. You are divorced. It is what J wanted. He is a big boy and knows how to sign up for volunteer hours. You have done your part. It is all on him.
You are not his mother.
Hey WH,
Here in TX having a toad in the house is just good luck. Don't ask me about the several doz. Scorpions I removed this summer (3 I found in bed with me!).
Good luck???!?! Well I guess I won't turn away good luck. But what a price to pay!!!
And I am the same as Tianna in "The Princess and the Frog". Ain't no way I'm kissing that frog. Yuk! No more frogs and princes and fairy tales for me.
I feel like I live in the bayou now.
WH
Ok now I get it.
I have been racking my brain trying how to figure out how that dam frog got in here. I think I know.
Last time S had soccer practice (last Monday) I made him take his shoes off and keep them outside because they stunk. It was either Saturday or Sunday I brought them in because I figured they had aired out enough. That frog must have climbed into that shoe and worked it's way out. Thank God the dog found it because lord knows where it would have ended up. S's room had a rock wall but it has an exterior wall as well. And the only windows I kept open are the ones in the living room which are not low enough for a frog to jump into and the screens on those windows are not ripped. Maybe a tree frog could get in but not a toad of this size. AND it looks like the same frog that was hiding in my watering can a month or so ago to get out of the rain. So I think I solved the mystery. I won't do that again. The same thing happened at the other house. A frog hopped into S's shoe when it was in the garage. I still think it's gross though. But at least I know what happened. I feel much better now.
So something crazy is happening and I am afraid to mention it. I am interested in a guy at work. I have always thought he was cute, but he was married and I was married and we never really talked. Now he is divorced with kids and so am I. Recently we have started talking and running into each other at after work events. Now I am not ready to date, but I am interested in getting to know this guy better. I have been friendly with him and been more talkative and he seems to be friendly to me too. It scares me because this is the first time in a long time I want to get to know someone and I don't want to make any mistakes. Lol! I am just being myself and taking things very very slowly. Heck I don't know if he's even ready to date since he's only been divorced since beginning of the year. I'm still trying to focus on myself and the kids, but I do like him. I guess we will just see what happens.
Can't wait to get the kids back tomorrow and head off to vacation. I hope J doesn't play games with me. I think I will just snap.
WH
WH,
I am interested in a guy at work.Sweet!
^^^^ exactly what Wonka said!! :-)
Sigh...
Just talked to the kids. D was practically crying and said she has been fussy all day because she missed me so much. It made me cry and I told her it won't be long still she gets to be with me all the time. She said it will take so long. I told her she will be here before you know it.
Of course J had to talk to me and was telling me the kids will be tired because OW's kids get up at the crack of dawn every morning. He also added that "it gets really old". Poor J. He also told me how he had to get up in the middle of the night because of the storms and he had to be outside by himself in the pouring rain.
I told him I wasn't signing him up for volunteer hours. He didn't really respond. I guess we will see if he is capable of getting it done all by himself. But then again if he can fix an RV in the pounding rain he can manuever a website to sign up for 5 hours right? ; )
I won't be calm and relaxed until these kids are back in my care.
WH
So I am on vacation. Loving it. Loving the mountains, loving my kids and even loving the drive. I can't believe it but it doesn't bother me at all. The only thing is when you are the driver you can't see the scenery as well. But it still doesnt bother me.
J had called yesterday am and said he was just leaving the campground at 11:30 (I was supposed to have them back by noon) and I could just pick them up at his place at 1:00. I was p*ssed because I missed those kids like nobody's business and I wanted to get on the road. J said he was sorry but things came up. Sure. But I let it go and said I understood and asked if it was possible to meet him somewhere. He offered to have OW drop off the kids because they drove separately but I declined. Politely. I texted S and asked him to let me know asap when they were in town. About 30 minutes later S texts me they are in town and J was coming to my place. Sure enough he pulled in then. I asked him why he did that and he said he figured I missed the kids so he just stopped by. That was good and I thanked him for that. We chatted about school and soccer he took the dog, the kids and I loaded up and off we went. Good trip. I was happy to be going eastbound rather than westbound on the tollroad since there was a semi which jackknifed and caught on fire and had traffic backed up for miles on the westbound side. Ugh. I felt so bad for those people.
On the way to my mom's, S was telling me all the sordid details about J and OW. How they bicker then get all schmoopie. How OW won't stop badgering J about anything until he tells her she's right (ugh). How OW calls J on his cell phone while he's using the map feature on his phone to intentionally tick him off, etc. I guess when they were at the campground J left to get firewood and S was inside the camper doing something. When J got back D was missing. He asked OW were D was and OW had no clue and just brushed it off like it was no big deal. S said J was furious with Ow and said he left her in charge and she said she had no idea she was supposed to watch D because J never asked her to.
This is match made in heaven guys. It's like a remake of dumb and dumber.
WH
ROFLMAO! Karma's a biatch - your ex is gonna suffer! But he's too stubborn to just admit he made a mistake - or too indebted to her parents.
It'll unravel in time. Saw a study today that showed that if you cheat in one relationship, there's a 45% chance you'll cheat in the next.....
Saw a study today that showed that if you cheat in one relationship, there's a 45% chance you'll cheat in the next.....
I am surprised that the figure isn't higher. Clearly more people learn from their mistakes than I gave them credit for!!
WH sounds like a great vacation -
Sorry, I didn't see your question about the converter. I messed up on the link.
This is like the model I have, mine works great. I haven't tried this one and can't recommend it, but you can look around locally; I think I got mine at Radio Shack.
Hello all
Had a wonderful vacation. Lots of driving but it was nice scenery. I was sure exhausted after all that driving but back to the real world today.
So the deal with J was that for his camping trip he took my Sunday night and switched my Mon/Tues for his Wed/Thurs. Since he took my Sunday night I told him originally I was going to take last night (his Wednesday) and drop them off today (Thursday). So then we would be Back on schedule. We stopped at a hotel Tuesday night so I called him to reiterate what the plan was. He seemed to be on board with it and I was shocked and surprised that he gave me no grief. Well...it didn't last long.
S texted J to let him know about the other things that were going on this serried on top of the soccer tournament. I knew then there was gonna be an issue. At 9:00 J calls and leaves a message. I call back and he is mad. He says he is irritated that I didn't drop off the kids tonight. I am flabbergasted. My jaw dropped. I said I told you I was keeping the kids tonight and dropping them off tomorrow. He said but you told me you would be getting back late. I said it is late. He said you should have dropped them off. I re-explained to him that he took my Sunday so I took Wed night. I told him this was my plan from the get-go. I originally was going to take Thursday too and let him take another Sunday but decided not to. He then told me he hasn't seen the kids for seven days and our agreement says it is supposed to be a seven day max for one parent taking the kids. I told him when he had the kids for spring break he had them more than seven days and I never said a word. He disagreed with me and said it wasn't accurate. I told him it was because he had the kids from Wed night until the following Friday morning. He stopped and said well I guess it ends up evening out and said he just missed the kids a lot. I told him I understood and I missed the kids badly when he had them too. He said he was just frustrated because S was planning stuff for the weekend and it was busy already and he doesn't get to spend time with the kids. Now whose fault is that?
I am trying to change the way I interact with him. He expects anger and I am trying to get rid of the anger and drop the defensiveness (but still keep my guard up). And I often wonder if something is really wrong with him? He just doesn't act right. I honestly think he cannot recall conversations. Which is why I put everything in email with him. And I told S to text things to his dad so he has proof in writing of when and what he said because J is pulling the "you never said that" card with him. S told me when his dad was taking the kids to the zoo the other weekend J needed his GPS to find the way to the zoo. And he still got lost. Now this may not sound like a big deal but the zoo is really easy to find and it's right off the highway. Signs are all over. And we have lived in this area for 15 years. We have both been to the zoo numerous times. I could get there with my eyes closed. And J is the one who showed me how to get around in the city. He knows it like the back of his hand. I think it's really odd that he can't find his way to a huge locale like the zoo.
Any way it's a busy weekend for all of us. I personally am ready to go back on vacation.
WH
I'm glad you and the kids had a good time and arrived there and back safely.
As for "J", depression/mlc do tend to mess w/their memory. They have the memory of a gnat. So, don't "expect" him to remember things all of the time. The best thing to do is follow up your calls w/a very short email/text w/whatever he needs to be aware of. Keep the missives short because he will not remember half of what you've written. Their attention span is that of a gnat too.
I hope you'll be able to get a bit of rest to recover from the vacation. It's tough when you have to drive a long distance, unpack and get back on schedule again.
Hang in there!
And I often wonder if something is really wrong with him? He just doesn't act right. I honestly think he cannot recall conversations.
Yeah - pretty typical.
My ex has never come out of this part (although, to be honest, I think some brain issues from multiple concussions also play a role). To this day, we'll have an email exchange, and a month later he'll write to me as if the previous conversation never happened.
Okay it's typical. Got it. It's very frustrating to say the least.
Worked three hours after work at the soccer field tonight setting up nets and field prep. When I agreed to these hours I thought it was for cleaning and setting up the concession stand. Not so much. I'm only 5'0" tall. It's hard to put nets on an 8'00" goal. It didn't help that the ladder was too short too. And I hate ladders. I've known too many people that have fallen and shattered their kneecap. My MIL being one of them.
Rewarded myself with some Chinese takeout tonight. I got another bill paid off. Slow and steady wins the race I guess. Plus I struck up a conversation with the guy at work that I am interested in. Had to call him regarding a work situation, and he ended up asking me about my vacation, where we went, what we did, etc. We have crossed the line from complete work conversation into personal conversation. Hey it's a big deal for me. Baby steps.
J was supposed to buy half the back to school materials for the kids. S told me he has not purchased one thing other than clothes. So I called J to tell him the kids' open houses are next week and that he can send D's supplies with her on Sunday and I will drop them off Tuesday and I will send S's supplies with him to drop off Wednesday. I did this not so much as a courtesy to J, but to let him subtlety know he needs to get his butt in gear and buy those supplies. You wanted to experience the "joy of back to school shopping" so get on the stick, Rick. We will see if he really does buy the stuff or drops it in my lap.
I think I have gotten everything washed and put away from the trip. We are already planning on going back over spring break. It's only 8 months away.
WH
Another day at the soccer tournament. Last night S's team lost in the last 30 seconds when they opposing team kicked a goal. Our team had no time to recover. The boys played hard and it was disappointing loss. But they won today so that makes up for it a bit.
J is trying to pull me in the middle again. He's angry at S's coach. Now this team is under new management and I am not really happy with some of the changes, but J just called me while I was in the grocery store and just went off the deep end about the situation with S's soccer. He said if things don't get better he's going to tell the coach off and yadda yadda. I know I shouldn't have answered the phone, but I thought maybe S needed a ride or was caught in the rain or something since S was at the soccer field with his friends. I should have known. Yeesh.
I guess I should be happy that his anger is no longer directed at me. I just listened and tried to validate and I explained that maybe he was misunderstanding something and not to get really upset until he had all the facts. I know, like talking to a brick wall. I just hope he doesn't tick off the coach and then S won't get to play at all.
It is going to be a long 11 years until D turns 18. Then the kids will be of age and I wont have to listen to this political crap from J.
WH
Slow and steady does win the race, WH. And no, it won't be a long 11 years, unless you make it that way. You'll find the balance and perspective long before then. Long before.
If you don't like ladders, can you use stilts?
AJ
Funny that the soccer coach has brought up so many issues for your xh.
I bet he is really taking about something more the soccer coaching when he bashes the coach. I would listen for clues in his rants it may help you deal with him better in the future.
Hmmmmm interesting BK. It stems back from two years ago when S started playing for this coach. The coach told me then he preferred to talk to me about things with S, not his dad. I think they have a huge ego clash is what it is. Like two dogs fighting over the same hydrant. But when J can't "win over" someone or if someone criticizes J then they are dead to him. He wants me to believe this is all about S, but I think it's more about J's ego.
While there are things about the soccer club I am unhappy with, most if them have to do with how they treated other people who were very dedicated to the club for many years. J has angst against one coach.
But J always has to have something to be angry about. It's quite exhausting really. And its hard to live with that negativity without becoming negative. I voiced my displeasure about some things and now I am moving on. J can't and he won't.
But my take is that it's like the teacher in school you just don't see eye to wye with. You grin and bear it for a year and then move on.
WH
Nothing you can do about your x anger except what you have been doing... Staying out of the way.
Take a deep breathe and remind yourself how lucky you are that you are not married to the guy
So S has been texting me and it's a zoo again over at his dad's house. He sent me a picture of me, his dad and him as a baby and he said it makes him want to cry. It breaks my heart. I just could shake J for being such a self-absorbed arrogant b*stard. Oh...this won't affect the kids. Our kids are great. They will be just fine. I don't think they are fine. I think they are suffering.
It's hard to let go of the anger when your kid is crying his eyes out.
WH
Yes WH, it is. The key, in my opinion is recognizing that you cannot change what J has done, but rather doing what you can for your kids to help them. While that's a constant struggle and never black and white, it is something you can do.
Your son will figure out what he's going to do and how he is going to handle things. It'll be most helpful if you, the sane one, can help him navigate that in a healthy way. I'm sure it won't be conflict free for him nor you, but you can more than handle it.
Your kids are very lucky to have you.
AJ
Thanks so much AJ.
It has gotten so ridiculous that I hate going to the house to pick up he kids. It's such a disaster area and so dysfunctional. It's madness. And it takes me some time after getting back to my place to snap out of it.
That house is toxic. Just toxic. It's trashy and awful. I'm so glad I'm out. I just need to be there for my kids.
WH
Hello peeps...
I really wish I didn't have anxiety issues. I don't know why, but for the past few days my nerves have been really on edge. Nothing has really happened, no new developments...but inside I feel like a nervous wreck. For starters I checked my account balance, and although it is not where I would like it to be, I really have plenty of money for the next week until I get paid again considering I had to get a private babysitter for the last two days for the kids and I went on vacation. But rent is coming due as well as the credit card and I am just freaking myself out. Baby steps right? I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this anxiety stuff. I have to keep reminding myself that I am in control of it all. And I would be much worse off if I was still sharing a bank account with J. Ugh. It just helps to get this stuff off my chest and talk about it. It eases the anxiety.
Speaking of J he has most recently started venting to be about OW's children. He called me yesterday to discuss D's new soccer schedule (which he was angry about that too) and then segwayed into talking about her kids and how our children are so much easier to handle, how her kids need to be constantly entertained, how they argue so much...yadda, yadda. It's only been two months and he's already complaining. How much longer before he calls me up and starts complaining to me about OW?
S told me he heard OW and J talking the other day about OW getting an apartment in our home town. If they are engaged why does she need an apartment? I don't even really want to know. It's nothing but one huge, explosive bag of crazy over there. I hope she does move out only because she has started "picking on" S and she and J gang up on him and do things to irritate him that they think are outlandishly hilarious. I think they are mean-spirited. She is just ugly on the inside and out.
I have done a LOT of praying lately for help from above to keep my side of the street clean and not to worry about the wrong side of the tracks. The three-ring circus is revving up, guys. And they want audience participation, but I think I want my money back. The popcorn is getting stale.
WH
Hi WH!
I just wanted to chime in about anxiety. I find that knowing I'm in control really helps but REALLY seeing it in black and white makes me let go of the anxiety a lot. What I mean is when it comes to stressing about finances, do the math. How much do you need in the account as a cushion to help you breathe better? Start setting that aside even if it's $10 at a time. Can you eliminate an expense? I know a lot of people who have dropped cable and watch TV only streaming on their computers. This has turned them into readers instead of TV watchers. Take that savings and add it to your "breathing cushion". Every little bit adds up and seeing that will help you feel better.
As far J's circus... I think you need to set a boundary about listening to him vent about OW's kids. That's insane that he'd expect that out of you. You don't play that role for him. If he needs a friend to vent to about her kids, he needs to find someone else.
I'd also have big issues with OW picking on S and J standing around allowing that. I'd document that. That's not cool.
Thank you.
I don't have cable. I stream TV through netflix. And I do have a budget set up and I go through the numbers in black and white as well as in my head. I have a cushion, but in my head it's never enough. That's my issue and I'm trying to work through it. A few weeks ago I was really confident about the progress I was making towards being debt-free, but I have confidence setbacks. That is when I just need to breathe. There isn't much more I can cut out of my budget. It's bare bones as it is. I am just hard on myself. It just helps to vent sometimes. Helps me get a better perspective.
J is very subtle. I know him like the back of my hand. He starts out talking about the kids and gently segways into something else. He doesn't have any friends. Not real friends that is. He has OW (who needs enemies with a friend like that) and he THINKS I am his friend. He vents, I say nothing. When I am tired of hearing it, my phone cuts out. LOL!
I do document the stuff that goes on with OW and my kids, but the courts don't care. If they aren't in immediate danger, the courts don't care. The GAL already told me that a year ago. There's nothing I can do about what goes on over there. BUT I did tell S that if things didn't get better when he gets older he can chose to live with me if he wants. It's all in J's corner. I told him to tell his dad how he feels ganged up on and bullied. I can't do anything about it. But it's going to hurt their relationship in the future. J already has no relationship with his son from his first marriage.
Thanks for caring anywho.
WH
ahh, I hear you about confidence setbacks. I think it happens to the best of us especially given our situations. I've learned that "fake it till you make it" is a GREAT way to become confident. I have these little mantras that I say to myself in the car while I'm driving and feeling particularly anxious about my life. I say, "You're ok. OK. You're ok." and "have grace" because grace to me means "beautiful strength" and who the heck doesn't want a little of that?! So with that, WH, have GRACE!!!
How sad that J doesn't have any friends. I would think that would speak volumes to someone in his situation. I do love that your phone seems to develop problems right around the time you're tired of hearing him vent. Cracked me up!
I see where the courts are coming from, I guess. I hate that for S but like you said, it'll just impact their future relationship.
I have made the decision to treat J like a business associate. It takes the emotion out of it for the most part and reminds me that he is human too (albeit not one with much of a heart) and he deserves to be treated with some aspect of dignity and respect. It's an effort, let me tell you. I do my best not to react with anger and to not assume the worst with J, but it's not easy. I have such a wall of defense and my guard is always up assuming the worst. But this is a better way to handle it rather than reacting negatively or simply avoiding him. That's putting off the inevitable.
Sad to say, but I never really got the chance to really listen to J when we were married. I know he's batsh*t crazy but honestly there were times I was defensive, angry and jumped to conclusions. This is really helping me evaluate how I communicate with others. Helps me think about what I say to others and how they might interpret that. Of course, J is no better and is no communication expert either. I think it would take someone with the patience of a saint to communicate successfully with someone like J. That or a magic wand.
But I can't pretend I played no part. I want to get back out there eventually. Time to start heading in that direction.
WH
I relate so much to your post above.
I do try these days to be kind to my ex and I am currently really trying to forgive both my ex and his girlfriend. I think if I can do this in my own mind it will bring me good karma. So far I haven't had much luck.
Keep documenting you never know when it will come in handy
Maybe down the road you should consider sending ex and ow an email regarding sons feelings
Don't forget how far you have come on your own. There will always be small mental set back - allow yourself those breaks. Go easy on yourself. You have been amazing!!
What's really helped me in the forgiveness department is making a list (Pros and Cons) of Smokey. Looking at Smokey in a really fair, balanced way. It's takes a lot of the sting outta it.
For Example:
Pros
Good-Looking
Funny
Smart about certain things (science, wildlife)
High I.Q.
Playful
Cons
Ridiculously short legs/outta proportion with his body
Less-than-well-endowed...much less (And, NOW I HAVE SOMETHING TO COMPARE IT TO!!!)
Sophomoric--still thinks passing the gas is funny
Kinda stupid about the important things in life...misses the big picture
Drug-addled
Ego-maniacal and grossly insecure all at the same time...
Immature
This really helps me to see the WHOLE picture and accept that this man was human...not a super-evil villain or a super-awesome/love of my life...JUST HUMAN. Period.
Thanks BK and Heather.
I recently discovered that J has a Facebook account. No big deal I guess. But J was always adamant when we were together he wanted nothing to do with FB. Now he has an account (since November of last year) and his profile pic is of course him and OW happy as clams and states he is engaged to OW. I know OW set up this account for J. I am blocked for one thing. J would have no idea how to block me. He only has 14 friends and those are all of his family who accept OW and OW's friends that accept J. Fourteen, not 40, not 400. He is wearing the pink and peach plaid shirt OW bought him but disappointingly, he is not wearing the beret. : (. He looks haggard and old. OW is beaming from ear to ear.
It doesnt really bother me I guess. It's just different. I think it's kind of funny. More added to the big bag if crazy.
WH
WH,
I treat my h like a business associate, although in his current state, he's not someone I would do business with:-). I think it's quite common for people in MLC to do thinks they absolutely, unequivocally would not do. I have no idea if they realize they said (or were grandstanding in many instances) they would never do x, y or z. That's their deal though. It is humorous- never miss a good laugh.
Sounds like you are doing well. I'm sorry you S has a difficult time with this. That's a challenge.
Thanks GB. Luckily S has me he can talk to. It hurts me to no end to hear him talk about it. Maybe one day J wil wake up a bit and see how this has hurt the kids. But I'm not holding my breath.
S had his open house for back to school tonight. The plan was for me to meet J and the kids at the school at 5:00. On my way home S texted me and told me D was having a meltdown because of her hair. A serious meltdown. He sent me a pic of her and I don't know what she did to her hair but it was terrible. S tried to help her comb it and she was having none of it. I guess OW and her kids were long gone by this time and D was giving J the business. He called me and asked me to take S to his open house as D was not in any shape to go anywhere. I was disappointed because I was hoping to see D, but I picked up S and we went off. It was nice to have some one on one time with him and meet his teachers without J being all smug and smart. There was a teacher there that knew S that I think it single. He's kinda cute too. Lol.
Oh and the dog nipped at OW again. S wasnt outside when it happened but I guess OW grabbed the dog by the sides and back legs to keep him from running off and she either scared him or hurt him and he nipped her in defense. He didn't leave a mark on OW, but I guess she yelled at S about it but what was he supposed to do when he wasn't even around when it happened. I don't condone my dog biting anyone, but I know my dog does not like that woman. She called him dumb. I don't know what J is going to do about it, but I am sure I will hear about it tomorrow. The dog is not aggressive and is a big friendly baby. I don't know what it is about OW the dog doesn't like. Okay, maybe I do know.
WH
Wait a minute. You're going to hear about the dog nipping at OW but you're not allowed to address OW and J picking on S?! No. The dog is a dog and if he/she is feeling attacked then it will protect itself by nipping... holding a dog when it doesn't want to be held means you need to be prepared to be nipped. You can't ask a dog to not act like a dog. You can, however, ask J to act like a father and NOT pick on his son with OW.
::shrug:: sorry, I get a little heated with how kids are treated by WAS and their OM/W.
Well there isn't anything I can do about it, but J will probably tell me about it. I know it will come up. Like we need to take the dog to obedience or something. The dog is smarter than OW, that's the problem. OW doesnt like anyone or anything smarter than she is.
I am going to try to let S handle his dad. He needs to learn to stick up for himself. If it gets worse I may intervene. J will just brush it off like it's no big deal or like it's none of my business anyway.
WH
Okay guys I didn't hear anything about the dog today but something else is weird. I'm not sure what to make of it.
I worked late today to make up some time and headed out to watch S and D at soccer practice. I'm still getting used to the fact that J and I are civil. I expect a blowup or for him to completely ignore me. Anywho we started talking about daycare and the leftover bill for D's care. We have decided to pull her from the daycare and put her in an afterschool program. He told me the balance was about $110 and did I want him to just pay it? I said can you email the bill to me and I will handle my half? He said honestly WH I think you have paid extra on the daycare bill and I don't want you to have to pay more than your share. That wouldn't be fair. Really?? That seems so....dare I say it....nice and considerate.
Maybe he is really trying and really sincere. Maybe he had a moment of clarity? I don't know. He also offered to let me borrow his camp stove for our camping trip this weekend. We were also talking to another mom and joking around and I said something light hearted about J like I used to when we were "together" and we all laughed, even J. It felt real. For a moment it felt like the old J. But I decided to leave then since it was getting cooler and practice was just about over.
But on the same token we were taking about S and his soccer and he kept mentioning about his conversations with OW. Is he trying to soften me up about OW by telling me we agree on things? I dont care what she says or thinks about issues with my kids. I don't interfere with her kids stuff. What she tells J should stay between her and J. I don't want to be in the middle of a crazy fluffernutter sandwich.
I am hoping the weather forecast improves. It is supposed to rain all weekend.
Not much fun for camping in a tent.
WH
Hi - my eldest son has a theory that MLCers can do 'normal' for short periods and then the cracks show. Equally however J might want something!
I think at some point they want to be 'friends' again, but it is 'friends lite' No heavy lifting and absolutely no recognition that they might have behaved less than perfectly throughout (unless we are prepared to acknowledge we 'drove' them to it.)
But it is so nice when we aren't, for a short period, embattled in our interchange with them. Like a glimmer of sun breaking through on a very cloudy day.
I agree w/Bea's son, MLCers can only do nice for a very short period of time.
WH, I would go ahead and pay your portion of the daycare bill because I don't trust your h. He's being nice for some reason and I would definitely want to document that I paid my share of the bills when it comes to the children. You just never know when he may decide to have another round at you for not paying your share.
As for the ow, things aren't as rosy as he thought they would be when you moved out. He's taken on more than he can handle and at some point, being friends, he's hoping he can use you as a sounding board because he has no one else to turn to. Keep in mind, when the two of you were living together, he may have used the ow as a sounding board to speak in a negative manner about you. Guess what! The tables have turned and you do not need to be in his drama these days. I give you kudos for stepping back, listening and not offering up any comments, etc. about the ow.
Hang in there. Time will tell as to whether he is truly being nice or has an ulterior motive.
Hi WH,
I totally agree. I have found that whenever I start to get "nice" it's because there is a storm coming! For an MLC to be "really" nice they would need to stop seeing you as this horrible person who "caused" them to hate their life. That takes much more introspection than most are able to muster. The "nicer" they seem, the more I would be on guard! Good luck!
Hello all
So over Labor Day I took the kids camping at my favorite state park. We had a great time. Got rained on a few times, but it was nice to get away and I can't believe I'm saying this but it's nice to "rough it". I actually prefer camping when you are roughing it and getting away from it all. No electric, camping over the fire, no tv, but of course we did have our phones so we had music and internet. LOL!. And I did have air mattresses. I just can't sleep on the ground. Never could. That's the only luxury I will permit myself.
Sometimes I stop and think WTH am I doing? A single woman in the woods with two kids trying to "rough it"? WH who do you think you're fooling? But then I realize...hey...I'm doing it. It's done. And I did it by myself. How many other moms go camping with their kids without a man to help out? I often surprise myself at how capable I really am.
I even think J is a bit surprised about what I am able and willing to do. He called to talk to the kids and asked about the weather since there was one day it absolutely poured in the morning. He asked how we did and I said, I did get discouraged when it rained after I just finished cleaning up from a previous rain, but I told the kids and the dogs to load up in the car and we got away and did some small shopping and got a change of scenery. It helped change the mood and when the sun came back out and it got hot we headed back to camp, cleaned up and made a better day. He was kind of taken aback by my response. I think he was hoping I was absolutely miserable. LOL!
But the rest of the weekend I was well prepared and dare I say it, I can now make one he!! of a good campfire. We roasted hotdogs, marshmallows, and smores, made pudgie pies of pizza, ham and cheese and even boston cream pies. I packed just enough food and plenty of drinks. We packed up a lot of stuff Sunday night since they were calling for rain that night and Monday AM. It did rain a bit, but not too badly. The only thing we really had to load up Monday AM was the tent and the stuff inside. We were packed up and in the car by the time it started to rain. So we drove around areas of the campground we hadn't seen and took one last stop at the cool nature center and drove by the south side of the lake and took a scenic route home. Lots of laundry and organization, but I'm ready to do it again. Thinking about going back when the fall colors come out, but need to come up with a way to warm up the tent if it gets too chilly. Any ideas? I didn't want to get a heater. Those things freak me out with the carbon monoxide issues. Too risky.
So last night J called and wanted to "work something out" for the first day of school (which is today). I called him back and I asked what he had in mind. He asked if we could ride together to drop off the kids at school so he could participate as well. HUH??? I asked him what he meant and he asked if I could pick him up before I dropped off the kids at school so he could be there too. Uh...weird. I asked him he was comfortable doing that and he said he would be fine. So I thought it would be good for the kids to have their father present, so I agreed.
This morning I picked him up and he came along with us, in my car, as we dropped off the kids. Afterward I took him back to the house, just the two of us. Talk about awkward silence. We managed to make small talk but honestly I couldn't wait to get him out of my car. Odd. Just odd.
This morning I emailed him to let him know D had a doctor appointment and to ask if he had seen S's house key. He told me he would look for the key and that he wanted me to include him on the plans for the kids seeing doctors and dentists because I had accused him during the divorce of not caring about the kids so he was very sensitive about knowing what was going on with them. I told him that was why I was letting him know about the appointment and asked if he wanted to attend all the appointments in the future because if we both had to be there it was going to be extremely difficult to schedule something. I am trying to be open minded and understand and appreciate his desire to be a part of the kids' lives whether it is for good intentions or not. I am hoping to "pave the path" and lead by example that if I do the right thing despite my anger he will mimic my behavior because that seems to be what has happened in the past.
I am trying to expect the best and prepare for the worst, which I don't know what the worst could be. Unless he is trying to say I in contempt of court for not notifying him, but I did notify him. It doesn't say in our agreement that I have to get his approval before I schedule something.
He did say he didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but clearly he is feeling left out or something. Well, so am I. And if he demands to attend all appointments I make, then the deal is the same for me, right? I don't know what he is trying to get out. I really think he is losing his mind.
Oh, And Job, I think J is correct about me paying more than my share of the daycare bill. I have receipts and copies of previous bills so I can document what I have paid.
Sorry about the long post. Sometimes, I wonder if I should truly let my guard down? Obviously what I was doing with J in the past was NOT improving our communications. And they say to do what works. Problem is, with J I always end up doing more than my share. Which is why I cannot be in any sort of relationship (that includes friendship) with him, short of co-parenting. Right now I am just trying to make that work and ATTEMPT to see things from his point of view.
WH
WH - you've done an amazing job of being the bigger person. And kudos to you for the camping trip! Now you just need to find some adult friends with kids of their own to go on these trips with you - that seems to be the one thing missing right now, friends to do things with.
Thanks for the kudos KML. It seems like all my friends are married and can go on these trips with their hubbys. We did ask a friend of S's to come with us, but he had a soccer tournament so he couldn't make it. I am not trying to make excuses, but it just never seems to work out timing wise to go with others. Maybe next summer we can make it happen. And in their defense, this was kind of a last minute plan for Labor Day. I was just telling S yesterday it would be fun to get some of his friends' families together for group camping.
I'll keep trying for sure. One of these days something is certain to work out. I think I might need to branch out, but not sure which direction to go in to find new friends. Still trying to reach that higher ground.
WH
So it happened. It was only a matter of time. J called me and ever so subtly started complaining about OW. Ho hum.
I am starting the process of attempting to refinance the marital credit card in my name. The bank advised me to wait 60 days to ensure the first and second mortgages were out of my name and for the divorce to "register". I emailed the bank rep last week and this morning she told me we can start the application process. J has been chomping at the bit about this because he tried to get a loan to "consolidate" his debt. He was denied because his debt to income ratio is way out of whack (hmmm...have the tables been turned???). He called me to see where I was in the process and stated he talked to the bank and nothing has been done. I told him I had just gotten the okay this morning to proceed and he would just have to be patient.
He segwayed into discussing S and D's soccer schedule and was upset that they both have games on Sunday and he wouldn't be able to go to both since they play at the same time in opposite directions of the state. I told him we would need to tag team on some of these weekends and he reluctantly agreed I would take D and he would take S. But the complaints didn't stop there.
I texted him last night that one of D's friends was having a birthday party this weekend and let him know all the particulars; time, place, etc. He was upset that all these "&^@* parties" fall on his weekends. Blah blah blah...spend all this money and why do they always fall on my time??? I jokingly said I am telling all the moms to schedule on your weekends to tick you off. He said I know it's not you, WH, but it gets old. Hmmmm...really? I guess maybe he is discovering that money doesn't grow on trees? I told him if it was such a big deal I would take D to get a present for her friend and take her to the party and J could pick her up. He said he didn't know...he just didn't know.
He then admitted to me that OW had a family wedding she wanted them to attend that was "adults only" but that he "really didn't feel like going to the G-D wedding" and it was taking even more time away from the kids. Huh. Really? Wow. He also said he was getting tired of OW's deal with this wedding and really wanted no part of it especially since OW's mom is near death. I told him he needed to decide what he wanted to do about the party and my offer stands.
He then asked me my thoughts on whether our kids should go to OW's mom's funeral. I told him I think S is old enough to decide for himself if he is comfortable going and D has never experienced anything like this, so it was really up to him. He said it would be a good learning experience for the kids. WTF???
So really guys, crazy is as crazy does. It is all turning around now. And guess what? I am LOL'ing. I want nothing more to do with that huge bag of crazy and I will not give J advice on his relationship with OW.
I really feel it's time to spread my wings now and see what life has in store for me.
WH
Funny how he couldn't wait until you were out of the house and the divorce was done. The OW was his soulmate and wonderful person and he loved being w/her. Tables are turning far faster than I ever thought they would. Now, the man is seeking you out to ask your opinion on life, his time and his ow. That is just too crazy, sad and yet funny because he has no excuse now to vilify you.
He's finally getting a really good taste of what life is going to be all about. He never realized how much you did for the family and w/all of the games, activities and parties that the children will have now and years to come, well, old puff daddy better get a calendar to keep things straight because there won't be that much "me" time in the future for him. LOL!
WH, you are doing great and I think you are handling these discussions will. You can't help but shake your head when the conversations are done. Guess his life didn't turn out the way he planned it. Oh, well....
Live your life to the fullest and enjoy each and every minute of it. You've earned the halo and the wings after all that he has put you through.
he "really didn't feel like going to the G-D wedding" and it was taking even more time away from the kids. Huh. Really? Wow. He also said he was getting tired of OW's deal with this wedding and really wanted no part of it
Lol - OW is surely pressuring him to marry her now, no?
I would draw the line at discussing that with him lol. Unless of course you want to use the opportunity to undermine her, in hopes that his NEXT girlfriend will be better.
IDK KML...
I don't want to touch that with a ten foot pole. It seems to me the more I pull back and drop the rope the more he reaches out to me.
Tonight I went to watch the kids at their soccer practice. J and I discussed options for ordering S's class pictures. He suggested we split a package, but I told him I preferred to buy my own. I asked him to order the package I wanted and I would give him the cash tomorrow at S's practice. He seemed a bit out out but said ok.
He started talking about OW's mom who is not doing well at all. I listened but didn't really say anything. What do you say in a situation like that? After D was finished with practice I decided to leave since S had 25 minutes left of practice and I was cold and had things to do. After I left it dawned on me that J is really freaking out about this health deal with OW's mom. He went through it with his dad and with me when my dad and step-dad passed and a health scare with his own mom. He does not handle this stuff well. At. All. Add that onto the fact that OW is pressuring J at all angles I think he is ready to pop. He just might go into a deeper crisis.
So I am just giving it to God and taking care of myself. Detaching even more. Being the best me I can be. Leaving J to wallow in the life he has created. I hope he enjoys it.
WH
Okay well I have hit a bit of a roadblock.
I am court ordered to refinance the marital credit card in my name only. J was supposed to take on $3000 of this card but weaseled out of it because he claimed he couldn't refinance the house if he took on this debt. So I agreed to not put anything in writing and to work the honor system with him. I knew I would more than likely never see this money.
My debt to income ratio is no longer an issue for me, but the amount of unsecured debt on the credit card is more than the bank will allow me to refinance. Ironically, the difference between what I can refinance and what I owe is $3000, the exact amount J was supposed to pay on the credit card. Isn't that a kick in the pants.
I have a snowball's chance in he!! of getting this money from J, and I have only myself to blame, so I am not complaining. I am just brushing myself off and gonna get this figured out. I have that amount in one of my IRAs, but I will take one heck of a penalty if I pull that money now.
One obstacle at a time. I can do this.
WH
I certainly think you should go to J and say "I can't refinance this card until you pay me the $3000 you promised me".
Yes, he'll probably flake, but he might possibly pay you SOMETHING or agree not to push on the card getting refinanced?
I agree. At least ask the question. Who knows!! Maybe his frustration with OW will actually work in your favor this time. :-)
I'm not holding my breath on that one, guys.
He has already been asking me when the card is gonna be refinanced because he got denied for a loan or something because this card is still on his credit report. He is going to tell me he can't give me anything. I'll keep coming up with options, but if he pushes I will tell him the news. He will be p*ssed, but you can't get blood from a stone, right?
I already emailed my attorney asking what will happen if J files a contempt charge? The office advised we can't stop him from filing contempt charges, but if the judge sees I have given a good faith effort and attempted to refinance but I am falling short, then there isn't much the court will do. Perhaps give me more time to refinance? Or make J pay me the money he owes me? IDK. I can imagine the judge would tell J if she can't do it, then she can't do it, Mr. J. What do you want me to do?
I'll keep checking out my resources and try to think outside the box.
WH
Some other credit card companies may allow you to transfer the balance, maybe some of them aren't going to be as stringent. Or you know your EX could always take the $3k he owes you out of HIS retirement account, now, couldn't he????
HA! That's rich, KML. My attorney suggested that to J months ago and J was highly offended. I know J could get the money if he wanted, but he won't. So I am not too worried about being in contempt, because the courts will just tell J there is nothing they can do. And honestly, what can they do? Fine me? Throw me in jail? They won't do that. They will just give me more time to get it done.
I started to freak out about it yesterday, and just decided not to. Why? It does no good. I need to take action and I intend to. If J pushes the issue I will tell him he need to give me money. It won't happen so I am going to look into other options.
I could look into other banks. I will give that a whirl next week.
WH
Hello all
It's been a busy weekend. And it feels good because guess what? It's not my weekend and I've spent a lot of time with the kids. Yesterday J and OW went to an "adults only" wedding so I got to be with S and D for part of the day. And today S and D have soccer games Two hours distance from each other at the same time. Actually D is having a tournament so I am picking her up soon and spending the day with her there. I won't get to see S's game and that makes me sad, but I can't split myself in two.
So OW's mom passed away last night. J called me this morning and told me all about it. He wants them to go to the funeral, but I told him let me know the plans and we will see how it goes.
I joined Match.com. I decided to try it for a month and see what happens. I've chatted with some people but that's about it. I don't expect much. Frankly I still feel a bit jaded. It's been 15 years since I have been on the dating scene and event though it's on a different media, I still feel nothing much has changed. This is a huge step for me. Still rocking my comfort zone a bit.
I have contacted two other banks to see if I can balance transfer. I don't think it's looking good. But I do feel better taking action about it. I'm gonna do what I can and if J decides to file contempt charges I guess I can't stop him. I don't imagine the judge will do anything if he sees I have been making good faith efforts.
So I am still learning. Life is getting better. I have learned how to roll with the punches a little better. I know that if I am feeling down and think the world is gonna collapse to give it 15 minutes. A lot can happen in that time period.
WH
WH,
Good for you! Glad you've been enjoying the kids. Never hurts to keep your eyes open.
I joined Match.com. I decided to try it for a month and see what happens
This is one thing you don't need to spend money on. I once joined and found all the same people I was getting on the free sites, so just join a free site. (I had the best luck on OKCupid, although I also found my first date on Plenty Of Fish. Overall, in my area, POF seemed to be a little more blue collar, OKCupid folks seemed a tad hipper. )
Online dating is not for everyone, but it has worked great for me. The important thing to remember, is it's just a way to meet - NOT a venue to conduct a relationship. Once you think you might have something in common, go directly to a coffee date. It's too easy to have a semblance of a relationship online, then you meet in person and there's no chemistry. Better to get a brief meet and greet out of the way sooner.
And don't give out personal information (like email addresses and phone numbers) until you've met someone - don't need any stalkers or anyone sexting you pictures of their junk
To add to Ellie's pointers, I'd say that going to MeetUp events that resonates with you is a great way to meet people as well as volunteering. My aunt volunteers at her local food bank once a month which is a great GAL activity!
Thanks for the tips Ellie and Wonka. I am not too impressed worth match but it's only been since Friday. So we will see how it goes. I'll try out OKCupid. I've heard bad things about plenty o fish.
So D had her tournament today. Games did not go well at all. We were slaughtered. But D played well. She got a participation trophy so she was thrilled. S won his game and he was really pumped about it. I dropped D off at J's so she could spend some time with him before I picked her back up and I dropped S off at youth group so I could chat with him.
It was a debacle at J's house this morning picking up D before her game. J called me and asked me to pick her up at 10 so I did. But in the meantime S was texting me and Telling me he couldn't find his shin guards. Hello...I don't live at dads anymore. Can't help you kiddo.
Got to J's and OW was packing up to head back to wherever she came from. Since her mom passed there is lots to do. I gave her my sympathies and she thanked me. She started talking to me about it, but I really didnt have time to listen so when D came outside I switched my attention to her. J came outside like a tornado shouting that he didnt have D's jerseys so I must have them. I explained that I put them in her backpack Wednesday morning so he would have them for this weekend. He swore up and down he couldn't find them. I swore up and down he had to have them. This went on for ten minutes. Finally he asked me to come into the house and look. I am not exaggerating when I say it took less than 30 seconds to find the bag with her uniform. If was hanging on the coat rack by the garage door behind her backpack.
I left soon after and S called me wishing I was still there. He said J kist screamed at him telling him how disrespectful and unappreciative he was. He made S feel horrible. I told S to let his dad know how he felt and to tell his dad how he hurt his feelings. S told J how he felt and said his dad said he was sorry but S didn't think he meant it.
I got to pick up D early tonight since J had to pick up OW's brother at the airport. That house stinks. It smells. Apparently OW's dog is having bladder problems and has peed all over the house. It looks and smells trashy. It's gross. And btw two photos of me are still on the wall. A pic of me with S on his first trick or treat and a pic of me and J's mom and my stepson. I wonder if OW is bugged by that? Hee hee.
What a huge bag of crazy. I wish my kids didn't have to deal with that.
WH
More crazy. Please bear with me while I vent.
So OW's mom died and J called to get my opinion on him taking the kids out of school to attend the funeral. I think it's unnecessary, J thinks it's a good "learning experience" which is bull...he is just saving face because OW wants them there. He is taking the kids out at 2:00 pm tomorrow and all day on Thursday. I told him I did not want them missing more than one day of school. Any more than that is ridiculous.
I read OW's mom's obit online and wasn't shocked to read that J and OW are engaged, but highly annoyed to read OW listed my kids as her mom's grandchildren. I know OW wrote this obit for her mom because it is sentimental and emotional and because J told me her dad is not doing well with all this. I doubt if J has seen this but he wouldn't say anything about it anyway. But I am p*ssed she mentioned my kids. But I am trying to remain calm and remember it doesn't really mean anything to anyone but OW. I know the truth and that is what is important. My friend said OW is probably thinking I will read this obit and put that in there to get a reaction.
I thought about telling J that I think it's inappropriate, but he will just defend OW and possibly do more stuff to annoy me if he knows it gets a reaction. It doesn't hurt anyone and it doesn't mean anything. It is just highly inappropriate.
I am giving this to God and hoping a swift dose of karma is served up piping hot.
WH
Wishing, she is simply gross. Just gross.
But, I agree that by making mention of it...you will be giving her what she wants...a reaction. YOU are their mother. Ain't nothin she can do to change that.
And, as far as Karma...you are already seeing J is gettin his. Faster than we all hoped too!! He's got himself a load of an OW and she has a serious AGENDA. He is going to hate his life soooooo much in the months and years to come. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy!
WH,
A lot of the times when Affair Partners get engaged or marry, they tend to try to legitimatize their R by assigning labels as if everyone was okay with their relationship and accepts it. Also about the obit, it is all how she presents herself and her 'family' to outsiders. Appearances are terribly important to them....because they know what they did was wrong.
That is why you see a lot of the OWs/OMs post pictures of them with the LBS' kids on FB and other social media. As if Jabba the Hut can make himself more cuddly by posing next to the LBS' kids. Crraaaazy!
Too sad.
It is crazy. My friend told me I should kill her with kindness. Like offer to make a casserole or something. I considered it but I don't have the energy to spend on her.
J called me tonight and told me plans have changed and he will not be pulling the kids out of school on Thursday. I was secretly happy but feigned disinterest. He is still pulling them an hour early tomorrow but is coming back with them tomorrow night, sending them to school and coming back after the funeral so he can be there when they get off school and take D to soccer. I don't know what happened, I didn't ask. But either OW told J the kids were not welcome or J decided he didn't want to be around the chaos.
D picked out her Halloween costume tonight. I can't believe this year is nearly over. Crazy.
WH
And again J called me this morning. It seems like he always has an excuse to call. You can almost set a clock by his phone calls. He is so predictable. I don't always answer or I let it go to VM but he keeps redialing. Honestly it is old so most of the time I answer just to get the conversation over for the day. Ugh. But on a funny note, I usually know what he's going to say because he constantly repeats himself. It's sad. So I just hold the phone away from my ear and pop out a couple "uh huhs" and "yeahs" just for good measure.
But this morning just reminded me how the more things change, the more they stay the same. J thanked me for dressing D so nicely yesterday and that everyone thought she was adorable (which she is). She said OW's SIL used to be involved with dance and was impressed with D and her form and dedication to dance (I take all J's words with a grain of salt - he lies). He then went on to tell me how the kids are "so much like him" because they are perfectionists and so is he and how it is a "blessing and a curse to try to be perfect in everything you do". BLECH! I don't know if he was trying to bait me with that comment or what, but I just let it slide and didn't say anything snide or complimentary. I just let it sit. Uncomfortable silence.
So he still thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced bread and that all women are just begging to get a piece of him. Please. That's why he picked OW? Because she is the pick of the litter? Right. There's a huge line waiting to get to him. NOT.
What a huge bag of crazy. And it's leaking. I just keep eating my popcorn.
WH
What a huge bag of crazy. And it's leaking.
LOl - thanks for my first laugh of the day!
So I just hold the phone away from my ear and pop out a couple "uh huhs" and "yeahs" just for good measure.
Guilty as charged! I've done that too. Then I just quit answering calls, let them all go to voice mail and then answered them with texts or emails. Now I've got all communications down to email only. (Although, thank goodness, my kids were much older than yours, so there was less need for daily communication).
I can't wait to see how he spins out once you actually start dating.
Well I am still on Match and I've been talking to a few guys. I found one from my home town and his stepdaughter (ex) is one of S's friends. Small world. He seems nice. I don't know how much we have in common but it's nice to have someone to talk to.
I tried plenty o fish and hello Cupid (or whatever it is) and I found the questions they asked to be far too personal. I feel like it's a meat market. I signed up for eHarmony and you have to pay before you can even see someone's picture. That's just not for me.
So s calls me he is at the soccer field watching a soccer game and he calls me to bring him a jacket because he's freezing (it's only 50 degrees here). At least he can depend on one of us I guess.
WH
Omg you guys I know I am up to 100 posts but just a quick one...I got asked out on a date. A real date! I don't know what to do next. I'm kind of shell shocked lol. It's just meeting for a drink at a very popular restaurant in my town, but i am very out of practice. Yikes!!! Words of advice and assurance please!!!
WH
Just be you.
Just be yourself and do not give him any personal info about you, i.e., address, etc.
Enjoy the date.
Thank you. It's just been so long I don't know what is acceptable and what isnt. we are meeting in the daytime. He's from a town just north of here. I do feel a bit odd going on a date but I'm single now. He seems nice, but like you say it's hard to know normal anymore.
WH
Just be YOU! Have fun. Consider him an icebreaker. Just have fun and leave the expectations and anxiety at the door.