Goals:
1. Put God's Will First. Trust God. Focus on each day as it comes and Take Joy! from each day.
2. Take care of my health (mental and physical).
3. Give my kids the things and time they deserve.
4. Face Each Day's Tasks HONESTLY and Pro-actively. Keep up my ToDo list of things to tackle today and in the near future.
5. Enjoy the contentment with my life that comes from working on the first four goals: travel, fun, friends, family...TAKE JOY!
Specific Sub-Goals:
Have a reliable car I'm proud to drive by Christmas of 2014.
Earn at least $60,000 per year by December, 2015...or sooner.
Old Thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469555&page=1
Alright, I admit it. I'm discouraged about the Amish Country reporter job. It had all the right ingredients...relatively close...yadda, yadda...I will let it go. But, it's discouraging. Blah.
So, what happened? Did they tell you why you didn't get it?
They gave the job to an in-house sports reporter who happened to live in the area. He wanted to be closer to home.
I did use the opportunity, since I had the editor's attention momentarily, to ask for any freelance feature/column writing opportunities...I asked if I could pitch him some column/feature ideas. We shall see.
Just a bummer...this job was pretty ideal in flexibility, location, my experience, etc...
But, I'm trusting. It's all good, right?
Jeep is done.
$388.
Included Oil Change, Alignment, Brake fluid, Steering Fluid, New Tie Rod, Windows fixed and Air Conditioning Recharged. I have AIR CONDITIONING!!!!
thats a great price for all those repairs.
That is for sure not brooklyn pricing.
Keep the momentum going
Yeah for air conditioning. .. awesome deal... small miracles!
Awesome price to fix your Jeep! Keep that mechanics # handy! Tie rod alone should cost that much. Things are looking up!
I got the Kohl's job. :-)
Felt really good.
YAY!!!
That's awesome Heather...I bet you are breathing a wee bit easier.
Heather,
Congrats on getting the jeep fancied up at such a great price and on the job! It may not be what you want forever, however keep looking and I get something that fits the bill opens up.
Give yourself a pat on the back!
Congrats Heather!
This can give you some breathing room while you keep looking for the dream job! All your hard work is starting to pay off! Keep moving forward and never look back! Heck, hearing that you got the job made my day brighter!
Congratulations on getting the jeep work done at a very reasonable price and also for getting the Kohl's job. This is a fresh start for you. It may not be much in the way of $$$, but it will get your feet wet, put you out in the public and yes, making some money. You've needed a change of scenery for quite some time and this just might help you w/your pma.
Thanks guys! Yes, some pressure is off. A little bit.
It felt so wonderful being in this store where I didn't know ANYONE. I felt free!
No one knew me. I was anonymous :-) No chance of my mom, MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and any of the other thousands of people in town who have used our situation as gossip fodder...Not one of many crowds that have been told by my inlaws that I'm keeping the kids away from their dad and that it has to do with my OWN issues with MY DAD. :-)
This is awesome for me right now. I feel like I can rebuild my self-esteem in a safe place.
It's roughly a 30 minute drive. Now, I need to figure out a car. I'm praying hard. Another vehicle would help things out tremendously right now.
The job is part-time...they only hire part-time to start...but, there are full-time jobs available. There was a very good vibe...very friendly and family-like. And, there's good dental insurance for part-timers...This will help with D20. If it's really good, I could put D11 on it and it could alter the dissolution proposal :-)
I'm picking up speed folks.
So the teenage boy I was tutoring at my home needs tutored in HIS home now because he was discovered being sexually inappropriate with his 10-year-old cousin. Charges have been filed and there's an investigation in the works.
The mother desperately wants me to continue tutoring him. He was always a really difficult student and I gave her a deal by charging her $375 per month for three full days of tutoring here.
I'm considering charging her $400 per month for coming to THEIR home 6 hours per week and providing coaching/structure and off-day follow ups. When I figure out my $25 per hour rate at 6 hours it comes to $600 which seems a little extravagant. But, on the other hand, this boy is a threat to other children and he is very, very difficult to work with...In addition, he contributed a big threat to my business and I had to switch gears/lose a month's tuition because of this situation.
I've decided I'm cool with being at their home for a 2 hour stretch of time, 3 x's each week...If my retail schedule doesn't allow three days of 2 hours each, then I can double up on 3 hours, 2 x's a week.
Any thoughts? This is a tough one.
Heather,
I would start out at $450 and if they don't like that, then lower it to $400, but not a penny lower. You are using your vehicle, gas and time to travel to this child's residence as well as working w/him, etc.
Congrats on Kohl's! I'm so happy for you!
It sounds like you are a great influence on this boy, and mom sees the value in your tutoring relationship with her son, and your ability to deal with his challenges.
I don't know much of the background. I do know what it's like to have a big heart, and want to help people I care about, sometimes to the point of sacrificing my own needs and settling for less than I should. I don't know whether you do this too, but I don't know any special needs tutors that are in it for the money. You have to have a passion for this, or you couldn't do it.
Here is what I would consider:
What is best /most important right now for YOU?
Are your needs mainly financial? Does tutoring give you a great sense of value and accomplishment? Do you need more time for yourself?
What causes the most stress for YOU?
Having to travel and tutor away from your home? Making less money? Spreading yourself too thin? Working with a challenging student?
Other than the inconvenience, is it costing you more than the up-charge would cover to travel to their home? (Mileage, time, gas, etc)
Are you losing other students by being unavailable those days?
Could this cause you to limit your hours at Kohl's?
Are you agreeing to continue tutoring this boy because if you don't do it, you fear no one else will? Obligated?
If the commitment to one student, at the reduced rate of $400 (around $15/hr?) is keeping you from working with other students at $25/hour... Are the other "payoffs" worth the difference? (You like him, it's rewarding, etc.)
Sometimes they are. Sometimes, meh.
Just throwing stuff out there....I don't know any answers
Thanks for dropping by Shining! And, thanks for all the thoughts and insight. I really appreciate it.
Job,
I asked for $450 and got it. :-)
Heather, congratulations on getting a job at Kohl’s. It is also great that you got agreement on the fee for the tutoring that boy. The things are looking up! I’m happy for you!
Heather you are in a roll! Congratulations. Can't wait to see what tomorrow holds for you.
Heather - good about the job - and there is good advice about tutoring this boy. I have nothing to add there!
I'm glad to see that you got the $450. Don't sell yourself short when it comes to setting a price for tutoring. Tutoring is expensive and why should you short change yourself because others will charge far more than what you charge. You need to check out the going rate for tutoring in your area to see what you should be charging.
Just my two cents.
Thank you Job.
I was really scared asking for the $450. Really scared. Went for a two mile hike to work off the angst. I wouldn't have asked if you hadn't suggested it.
Thank you Job ;-)
Heather,
You sell yourself short far too many times. You have the skills, experience and the know how and why shouldn't you raise the bar and ask for a higher price? You can always negotiate and work out something that is fair and reasonable, but when it comes to education...parents generally want the best and are willing to pay for it.
Thanks Job...
I'm beginning to realize this ^^^^^^
I think I've had a lifetime of powerful "Heather can't handle life" messages...both from others and--especially myself--I think this journey of Smokey's creation has finally forced me to deal with the past hurt/rejection/grief/abuse I've been carrying. I'm slowly embracing my own worth and value.
When I get quiet, I can still see this little girl huddled in a corner after years and years of neglect...she is in the darkness and afraid to take God's hand to come into the light...she was hurt so many times...much of this was my own doing because I believed the messages swirling around me...and some wasn't my own doing...but, I wasn't strong enough to fight it. Now I am.
Didn't take a phone call from my mom yesterday. I knew she would ruin the buzz of getting the job and the $450.
As I write this, I realize D11 has a similar quality. She is very sensitive to criticism. She takes things to heart and when her sister makes off hand comments...D11 takes them and buries them deep. I need to address this with her. She needs an extra strong sense of self to fend that criticism off and D20 needs to shut the he!! up.
99.5 % won't do.
I'm getting there. I've need to do this in a quiet, safe way...taking small steps out of the darkness.
She takes things to heart and when her sister makes off hand comments...D11 takes them and buries them deep. I need to address this with her. She needs an extra strong sense of self to fend that criticism off and D20 needs to shut the he!! up.
You don't think they could be two sides of the same coin? Your d 20 doesn't sound like a happy bunny either, and this is her way of expressing it. My dil and her sister are very different. The mother is very like her other d, and as a result my dil felt excluded, but really, it is like the reversed out negative.
The children in a family where one has special needs may act up because they can feel excluded - from the sympathy, the attention, the special bond, whatever.
I am not excusing your elder daughter, she needs to grow up, nor am I criticising you, just saying that the behaviour of every family member usually relates to the others.
As you become stronger i think you will change the dynamic
Thanks Bea.
Yup. I think D20 still has some major issues when it comes to the attention D11 required previously. She still gets her dander up and I, having no special needs sibling, don't have a good handle on what that feels like.
I've noticed...as I get healthier, like you said, the dynamic gets easier and less abusive. Much less.
Just some thoughts I've been considering this morning from the grief from abandonment workbook.
If I was attacked by a grizzly bear, chances are...especially the first time I go for a hike after the attack...I'm going to be hypervigilant and a bit obsessed about grizzly bears. If I happen to see a grizzly bear or something that reminds me of the attack/bear...chances are that I will have an increased heartbeat and some feelings of panic.
That increased heartbeat and feeling of panic could be...in the case of Smokey...be misconstrued and I could be confused thinking that this response by my body indicates that I still have feelings for Smokey.
Smokey hurt me deeply over a long period of time...
Pain evokes fear...especially repeated painful attacks.
Fear incubates over time and builds as your mind tries to avoid any future danger. Hence, what may be a freak occurance where you wandered into the path of a rogue bear...could cause enormous fear in the future.
I have a good friend who witnessed the attack of her sister by a dog. She is 45 and has terrible panic attacks anytime a dog comes near her...even a small dog.
The feelings you get when you are in love and the feelings you get when you are in danger are sometimes very similar...increased heartbeat...feeling of being vulnerable...open to attack...threat of being hurt...but adrenalin surging.
Interesting.
And, when we are hurt deeply, it's easy to put the attacker on a pedestal in order to make sense of the pain.
Smokey is just a really troubled guy. He has some great qualities that attracted me to him...but, his worst quality, in my opinion, is that he was a chameleon. I'm not a chameleon.
Smokey changed who he was, depending on who surrounded him. He was very, very uncomfortable around financially successful people like my dad. He felt much more at home with people who were less than successful and had problems.
I'm not like that. Financially people can make me a bit uncomfortable...but, at the end of the day...I don't change who I am to accommodate others. I am the same person every single day because...I know, in my heart, who I am. Smokey doesn't. He's very broken in that respect. I've always been much stronger in that area...and much kinder and more loyal.
Smokey changes with the wind. Always has. He is defined but what other people say, believe, suggest, think...especially his parents and that's really sad.
Heather,
I know that you are exploring all avenues of your life, feelings, emotions, etc., put from where I'm sitting, you are putting in far too much energy analyzing your h and what is wrong w/him, etc. Your energies should be focusing on you, your life, your children and looking towards working again (at Kohl's).
No matter how you dice it, your h is gone, he is a broken man and no amount of analyzing will change that situation right now. Use your time wisely to help YOU.
Hi Heather,
What you wrote about the repeated hurts causing a response in your body really hit home. I sometimes get that way when W is over to "go through our stuff". I couldn't understand why I was showing signs of fear as I have nothing to fear from her any longer as she has done the worst she can, filed for D. Yet, there I am with this feeling in the pit of my stomach.
We've been hurt some many times by our S's and without even thinking about it our bodies are getting ready for the "fight or flight" response!
My W has become over the last several years just like Smokey in how she changes to fit in with whoever she is around. My D's say that when she is around her father they can't stand being around her as she becomes mean and acts just like him (neither of them likes their grandfather. They both have independently called him "creepy"). When she is with her work friends she acts another way, around her mom's family she acts like a wife and mother. This must be exhausting for them! I have always been comfortable around anyone but before she left, I found myself being uncomfortable when with my W as she would be hyper critical of me around other people. I'll never forget when we went to a party with her work friends not long after B-day. I was having fun, talking to all the people there, having a good time and she came up to me and said, in a way that sounded like it was something amazing "Everyone here really likes you". I'd met most of the people there before and got along with all of them so it shouldn't have been a surprise to her but since she wanted to see me as "bad", she figured that was the way everyone saw me! No matter that for the last 20 years I got along well with almost everyone!
I understand what job is saying about trying to analyze Smokey. (I have too much of that regarding my W, for sure!) Although lately you seem to be analyzing yourself more which I think is a good thing. Keep up the positive work. It's really starting to pay off for you!
Job,
I respectfully disagree. Whoa. I disagree!!
Ok. This is actually pretty awesome. I respect you and your suggestions, thoughts, insights...but, I'm still disagreeing in THIS instance.
Recently, I've caught myself obsessing over Smokey again. I noticed myself, yesterday, driving to and from the interview, looking for his truck...reminiscing...romanticizing...and going to this dark place where I imagine he and OW together, being intimate, holding hands, taking walks, etc...
Anyway, I had stepped away from the grief workbook and, this morning...knowing my life will getting busier in the coming weeks--I took this free morning and re-read the chapter on withdrawal.
It helped me put into perspective who Smokey really is...not who I fantasized him to be...the reality of our life together. I took him down from the pedestal and wrote about what life was like when he lived here...the tension, his sleeping constantly, not engaging, the daily rejections from his inability to be honest, the dishonesty, etc, etc...
I know if may come across, from your POV as over-analyzing and, sometimes it is...but, this dissolution/rejection from him struck a huge chord for me in terms of bringing up some really deep feelings of rejection I've carried since childhood. I've always put my abusers in a place of power and looking at Smokey, my mother, my dad, etc...helps me to see their humanity...They are simply imperfect human beings with flaws like me.
In addition, I'm a writer and this stuff sits in my head if I don't let it out. When I can, I try to use the boards when I feel anything may help someone else. This topic of obsessing seems to be a common thread and I really thought what I looked at this morning could, maybe, help someone else who is struggling with the same issue.
For me, I walked away from the exercise not nearly as frightened of the impending response from his attorney or a text from Smokey or the even the phone call from my mother...I'm wayyyyy more settled and able to face all those feelings of being potentially hurt again.
Also, I'm remembering how hard I tried in this marriage. Yesterday, I passed a nursery school where I had enrolled D11 when she was 2 and before we were aware of the Autism. I specifically enrolled her there because it was close to Smokey's workplace. I had hoped he would step up and visit her and become a fixture in her life for lunch and support and picking up and so forth. He didn't. I think he visited once. It reminded me of HIS failures in the marriage and parenting. He rarely stepped up to help (in a helpful way) when I needed him for parenting support.
I'm sorting all this stuff out. I know it's taking awhile...but I"m getting there. I suppose the new job brings up fear and Smokey was always my safe place/my fantasy. At least, I'm looking at it honestly today.
Heather,
As long as it's helping YOU to sort out what has been troubling you for a long time, and how his behavior fed your insecurities, then it's not a problem. The same would apply to your parents situation as well.
Yes, you are most definitely looking at your situation very honestly and hopefully this time next year, you'll be able to finally find some inner peace.
Just be careful that you don't get stuck in one spot and don't move forward because you are afraid to do so.
Ok. I will heed the warning. Honestly.
One other thing. I know that to the outside world it could look like over-the-top obsession/analyzing...but bear in mind that I'm a writer. This is what I do when plagued with a problem.
These boards have given me so many gifts...but one the biggest that I'm just noW acknowledging/recognizing...is the daily motivation to write...AND, to write about complicated, difficult to express feelings/thoughts/perspectives...this isn't easy stuff to present in an understandable way...especially when I sometimes don't know beforehand what I'm feeling.
I'm writing more here and in my journals, at least as much/probably more than I did when I was a full-time reporter with a city beat. The boards have given me daily practice and I'm so blessed to have found a place where other like-minded, intelligent people in similar situations can either help me through this journey or I can help them in some small way.
I feel as if God presented me with the motivation and desire to continue my daily writing by giving me a forum to act out my skills. If not, things could be very different right now. As it is, I've now, without even KNOWING IT!!, gotten into the habit of writing for a set amount of time each as I go about daily life. Like right now, I just stopped doing the dishes for a moment to respond. That's HUGE. Discipline is 95% of the battle when you want to write for money. HE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
God did this incredibly sneaky, BRILLIANT thing! He compelled me to share my experience and, in turn, created a writing routine that I'm not sure I could break even if I wanted now. Keeping all of this inside would be painful now.
Just yesterday, I was thinking about querying a national women's magazine about MLC and contacting Michelle and others for help on an informative article about this epidemic of spouses who abandon their families.
I have reams of journaling here and in my own handwriting to draw from.
And, one other cool thing...my parents/family never really understood me...I came from a long line of conservative bankers. So, my obsessive writing was always a mystery to them. I didn't get much encouragement to write and, even now, when I write obsessively, I get negative looks/comments about how I'm over-analyzing/wasting my time/not doing what I SHOULD be doing. I always feel a tad ashamed when I go off...BUT...BUT...whenever pray to God about what HE wants me to do with my life...I have gotten a clear answer since I was 10..."Write. Heather, just WRITE."
And, I am. :-) Every effin day. I'm writing. It's just a small jump to writing for this forum to writing, again, for publishers.
NOTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH WILL BE WASTED. :-)
Heather,
I'm sorry if I offended you w/my posting, but again, the written word is always open to interpretation by the reader. I'll leave you to your blogging which appears to be helping you sort things out.
No! YOU didn't offend me. I just disagreed and your posting gave me a chance to challenge some doubts I've had in myself.
It's all good :-) Really.
And, you know how much I love you and ALLLLLL your help.
I feel the same way about these boards how they have given me the opportunity to journal. I am not a writer and dont particularly like writing but THESE boards have made me want to write my story. It is truly a gift.
And now I have a record of my internal changes. Its fantastic.
I love the idea of a feature piece or something on MLC. Have your read the Laura Munson book, "This Isnt The Season You Think It Is". Its definitely sounds like your is a similar concept. (FYI Her huband came home) Laura Munson had an except of the manuscript publish in the NYtimes Modern Love column which then got her the book deal.
So glad you ask for 450. Its hard for me to charge what I am worth too but I am getting better. I have learned that you have to ask for it, no one is gonna volunteer to give you it
Thank You Brook and Matt. :-)
I wish I could offer coffee cake to visitors. Bummer.
I was so tired yesterday. Whipped. Then...At one moment, I had a flashback of the financial stress I was feeling 24 hours before. Not that I'm out of the woods by any stretch of the imagination!! But, I didn't have the same stress yesterday that I did the day before. Things eased up so much in 24 hours. I went from ZERO income coming in from my earnings to a little less than $1500 per month. I will take it. :-) I was like...OH! That's why I'm tired! I'm kinda exhausted from praying and looking inwards too.
I think I need to do something rejuvenating today.
And, I'm going to meet with my friend and bookkeeper. We are going to create a budget. I'm interested in how much more I need in order to afford another vehicle. Juggling my job and D20's with one car is going to be tough...but, we can manage for a bit. I did some research on buying a car with lousy credit.
It's not time yet...but I'm putting my mind in that place.
I have tutoring today and I'm going to put out some more resumes. Going to take a hike.
Um, I got a call this afternoon from the publisher in Upper New York State.
He is looking for someone to take over as editor of a weekly newspaper in Jefferson County--off of Lake Ontario--AND, take over a newly acquired farmer's monthly. I could make the ag newspaper my own--build it into my vision?? Whatever that would be...
Strangely, this fits into my background nicely. My great-grandfather was the first extension agent in our county. I was raised with a great respect for farmers and spent a lot of time on ag issues/modern farming.
In addition--I published my own small, community newspaper--alone---so this would be like dying a going to heaven.
I'm a bit floored. He asked how soon before I could relocate. I tried to sound calm and cool and said...it would probably take me a month to get things settled, but I do have family support which could make things move a little faster if necessary.
I didn't bring up salary...but, told him I'd be interested in discussing the position further.
When I asked him about HIS timeline...he said, jokingly, "How about next Thursday." I guess this farmer's paper is a publication that's been around for a time, but almost went bust and this small newspaper publisher purchased it. I like the idea of an ag publication. These are one of the few print publications that may survive into the millenium.
Interesting to say the least. Not sure what Smokey would say to our moving to NY State...but, not sure he would have much to say seeing as how he hasn't contacted D11 in any way, shape or form in 13 weeks and counting.
D20, of course, was excited. D11 panicked.
I will take this easy and slow. Keep on praying continually though...it seems to be working. LOL.
Oh, and this may just be the best day EVER...because, in addition to the interested publisher...I rewarded all my hard work this week with a bottle of fancy bubble bath, soap, new journal, new pen and fancy shampoo from Marshall's. It's spa night ladies while D20 goes to work and D11 has a friend over!! WooHOOO!!!
I know, RIGHT?!!!
Can you believe that shid?
So, how do I do salary negotiating and stuff? I have been outta this loop for a very long time.
He was really impressed with my resume. I guess maybe I need to send a few more out. Jeez. Who knew?
There's a position in Sun Valley, Idaho where they need someone with a background in writing, reporting, blogging and education. It's not seeming so far-fetched now.
I would start with a search for salaries for the position in general, and then for the area the job is in. And the how-to? Do a search, there are many excellent articles from many business sites.
Heather,
I'll take your coffee cake offer! I really like 'em.
It is good to see that you're processing your patterns, responses, habits, and behaviors in respect to your FOO issues on top of the marriage's dynamic. I can tell you that it is definitely a learned behavior and they CAN BE unlearned. Your brainwaves need time to learn new patterns and I read that it takes consistent changes for 30 or more days before it settles in. Hmmmmm...
In regard to the editing job, I would step back and take a careful stock of what you really, really desire. My concern is that you're probably grasping at that job JUST because it pops up on your radar without giving your needs careful consideration. I am NOT saying you cannot do this job.
My line of thought is to take factors into consideration such as:
-cost of living ratio
-geographically appropriate
-good job growth (increase in salary)
-good retirement plan
-opportunities for expansion
-transportation
-support system
Is there any possibility of doing some editing work from where you are at the moment? I would want to try to get my feet wet first before making that big jump. You just don't know what's behind the reason they're looking for an editor. There's always a caveat behind those types of things.
Eyes wide open, Heather.
Thanks T. I will look up some articles.
Wonka,
Do I ask the questions about salary, retirement, opportunities, etc...BEFORE I make the trip up there?
Heather...where is it at?
Jefferson County, New York. It's about six hours away.
Heather,
Wonka has given you excellent advice. You will also need to check on housing because it may be quite expensive there.
I think I would ask the gentleman for more information before making the trip. He didn't mention salary when you spoke to him? You will need to ask him if the company will pay relocation expenses. Some places do and others don't...so ask...don't assume anything.
My first step would be to do online research about the city, county and its surrounding area to learn more about the area. Look at it very objectively. Moving away is a lot of work and it needs to be something that you need to take into careful consideration.
When salary negotiations occur, it means that there's a fit and the likelihood of taking the job is just the icing on the cake. I would want to table salary discussions until you learn more about the ranges in that particular city/area.
A good measure would be to look up the New York's state personnel department to get sense of the salary ranges for each county. A lot of the times you can see the position title, city/county of location, and the salary ranges. This should give you an idea for Jefferson County.
^^^^^
What Wonka and Job said. Congrats on receiving some bites on your resume. You can always go to a site like salary.com to see what the pay range might be. That area is a bit rural but the cost of living may be lower as well. Sun Valley might be a bit more expensive.
And yes, definitely ask about relocation assistance. Here's the deal, Heather. It never hurts to ask. I'm a sales director and in addition to me asking for the world, I've had clients do the same. Don't be afraid. What's the worst thing they can say? What you say? That's right. No. But let's think big:-)
Glad you had a nice bubble bath. I love me some Marshall's.
Ok. Thanks guys. I will do some research this weekend. The rentals in the area look similar to costs in the area I'm in now...but, I have a great mortgage.
Maybe I will shoot this guy an email on Monday with some specific questions. He sounded really nice.
I did own my own newspaper for a time and I know I could handle the job. But, is it the area and the job I want? IDK. I like the challenge of it and the ag aspect...
And, I like the rural/Lake Ontario/Adirondack Mountains aspect...
I have some thinking and praying to do. I really appreciate everyone's input.
WOW!!!! That is such great news!
Believe in yourself, Lo! Practice exuding confidence. Appearance, body language, and tonality of your words have a bigger impact than the actual spoken words, and make you more credible when you negotiate;)
Thanks Shining. I practiced DB techniques on the phone. LOL. I kept my voice low and calm. Took my time answering and asking questions.
I know how it's looks like your stuck here. You try to show what's going on, then you explain then often you feel like you need to justify why and the hole digging starts.
Job I'm not sure anyone wants anyone to stop commenting, and learning to handle disagreement with style etc is part of this site.
Bring on the disagreements, in a nice way of doing so.
I re read m thread and saw how I had latched on to an idea that my h had bolted and I should " find a man" it was ides thrust on me by others.
It's a place to try on new indenties to see what fits. Go heather be a writer hang the drama.
Life too bloody shot as it is. Smokey is also a runner so a 6 hour drive meh, he should be able to do it in his sleep with one hand behind his back.
Hey Heather!
I'm so glad you got a bonafide opportunity with the publisher. And I had to smile when you said where it is. My D20 goes to school an hour north of there, so I'm familiar with the area. You're an hour north of Syracuse - it's very beautiful country! I always feel like I'm driving through a bit of Americana when I pass through on my way to her school. (I'll be heading out that way in October :))
So... you're not too far from Syracuse to get some decent shopping. I don't know anything about the schools, but let's talk about the winters there. I don't know where you are in Ohio? But that area gets a LOT of lake effect snow. And when I say a lot, I'll tell you this is coming from someone who knows what a lot is. My D20 gets a little bit of winter depression from the lack of consistent sunshine. Don't get me wrong - she likes her school a whole lot and has fared very well coming from Denver to small town Americana. But just know what you're getting in to.
Go visit - you'll find it lovely this time of year. I truly have been impressed with the scenery. There is a bit Amish presence, as they took over the smaller dairy farms.
I also don't know what the school districts offer for your D11. Make sure you do your homework. Also, if your D is getting any Medicaid assistance in your state, you'll have to re-enroll in NY and get on their lists.
BTW, American Airlines serves Watertown to Chicago - so you're not horribly remote there. My D20? LOL. SHE'S remote!
Good luck and I'm rooting for ya.
Betsey
p.s. The cost of living there is pretty good. Real estate is a steal (coming from my area), but I don't know how it stacks up against the salary.
Congratulations!!
Keep praying- it IS working!!!
And the great thing is, even if you don't take it, you had the offer!!! That should put a bit of wind in your sails!!!
What did I tell you Heather about all that hard work paying off! You worked hard, overcame so much and sent out so many resumes. At the same time you took care of your kids and dealt with a H who has gone off the deep end. Not to mention helping so many others going through the he!! of having an MLC S! You deserve this, Heather! Way to go!
Heather congrats on an offer. I am sure you will make the best decision. For me, checking out the programs at the local schools is always on the top of my list.
You gave options and choices. Make sure you know what you really want.
I'm so grateful for ALLLLLLLLL of YOU!!! Thanks so much for the feedback and support and love :-))))))) Lots of LOVE back ATCHA!!
What if this journey through he!! isn't really our journey, but something a higher power has ordained in order to USE US to help others out of he!!? What if we are just a vessel to help so many others find their way out of this mess?
It's not such a burden when you think of it that way. In some ways, it almost makes it a blessing. Weird.
What if this isn't OUR battle, but God has chosen us to pave the way?
[verse 1:]
There is no pain, Jesus can't feel
There is no hurt, that He can't heal
For all things work (yes they do)
According to the masters purpose
and his holy will
no matter what (you in the balcony)
are going thru, remember that God only wants a chance to use you
for the battle is not yours its the Lord's
(we gonna tell the devil that all right?)
There's no sadness, Jesus can't feel
and there is no sorrow,
that the master is not able and willing to heal
remember that all things work
they're not gonna be all good
but they're gonna work according to God's purpose and his holy will
no matter what, no matter what you're going thru
remember God sees all and he knows all
and all he wants to do is use you
for this Battle is not yours its, its its its its the lord
This battle is the Lord's. its the Lord's
(yes its the Lord's) it is the Lord's
(but in faith you've got to hold your head up high) hold your head up high
(you belong to the most high God you don't need to cry)
don't you cry its the Lord's
(its the Lord's) its the Lord's
(yeah yeah yes its the Lord's) it is the Lord's
(No matter what) No matter what
(You're going thru) Thru
(Remember its gonna be alright He's just using you)
God us only, using you for he's worthy
(No matter what) no matter what
(you happen to go thru right now) Thru
(Remember this will be a memory God is only using you)
God is only using you, for he's worthy
(You've got to have faith) No matter what
(You've got to know in your heart) thru
(That no matter what comes no matter what goes
Gos loves ya) God is only using you
(He loves ya [7x])) its not yours
(And this battle is not yours) no
(He needs a chance to prove to your enemies that he is God)
its the Lord's, its the Lord's not yours
(So what you've got to do is, hold on, hold on) its not yours
(hold on, hold on) yours
(don't give up [4x]) its the Lord's not yours
(Step out on faith) its not yours
(no, no) no
(I'm so glad that God sees it) its not yours
(and he knows all) its the Lord's not yours
This battle is not yours, no, it belongs to the Lord
Hallelujah, yeah
Ok. So, let's take this family member by family member.
The Chocolate Lab.
I spoke to her this morning. She is very excited to have Lake Ontario at her doorstep and lots more snow to romp in. She also likes the idea of the nearby mountains for hikes and sticks to retrieve (She IS a RETRIEVER)...she asked if we could take the really awesome sticks from the mountains and throw them into Lake Ontario for her to retrieve?? She has webbed feet, ya know.
Bottom Line: Midge says, "It will STILL be the BEST DAY EVER, EVERY single DAY I wake up...no matter where we are...but, I like the idea of a much bigger pond and more snow."
Seriously who can unhappy having their own personal lake, that is a lab perspective for sure heather!
Dog can teach us a lot about unconditional love and acceptance.
Just do it if its the best move for you, the kids might even love it.
Thanks Grass :-) I've learned to take Midge's take on life to heart. Teaches me every day to get up and BE HAPPY!!
SAD
Thanks for your thoughts Betsey.
This is an important factor. All three of us experience SAD. D20 had a really serious bout last spring semester. It was awful.
I've struggled with SEVERE SAD since I was a teen. It was at its worst in my 20s. I would hit suicidal every single winter. I managed to get level with heavy doses of Prozac AND Wellbutrin.
My little sister moved to Texas...in large part, because of her SAD...and, moving eliminated the problem from her life.
Some people can't drink alcohol...it may be that we can't really live NORTH.
I know that Vitamin D plays a big role, but I'm not sure I want to risk bringing that fresh hell into our lives. I've taken Vitamin D in the past...not sure I took the right amount.
It used to be that I was a dramatically different person in summer and winter. DRAMATICALLY. As I get older, the difference isn't as dramatic, but it still exists...I get much more slothful and foggy as winter comes on.
Watching D20 last spring brought back a bunch of memories of how bad it was.
I can remember...when D20 was a baby...one time I was sitting in the garage while she and Smokey were in the house...I had managed to drive home safely...looking at telephone poles as a source to end my misery. I got home and considered closing the garage door with the car running. I remember that moment. I was very close. I really don't want D20 to have to feel that if it can be avoided.
HOWEVER, for some reason, the more snow we had always made a difference. We live on the edge of the snow belt and I felt better when we had lots and lots of snow. I think the brightness and beauty??? I don't know. Northeastern Ohio can be very DREARY in winter.
I'm not sure if this is where I'm supposed to be? I know the ag aspect and the beauty/rural area are big bonuses for me.
I'm going to explore this opportunity and I'm going to ask the important questions. But, I'm going to weight this factor heavily.
In the summertime, I'm more focused, more social, more able to see things clearly, more able to MOVE to ACTION.
I'm not sure being so close to Canada is the best place for us.
Bea's recent post brought back more memories of Winters past. I can remember thinking...every GD winter...and every GD summer..."Why can't I BE the same person YEAR-ROUND?! What I would GIVE to be THIS PERSON (I would think in August) ALL EFFIN YEAR?"
I tried to get Smokey to move south...he was never up for it.
I'm so flattered by this opportunity, but I'm not sure it's the right one for me. HOWEVER, it's a HUGE to plug for my confidence!! If I can get a job as an editor here...what else can I do??? Strangely, working at Kohl's and trying to get published again in the Plain Dealer or maybe exploring southern opportunities?? IDK.
I will still ask the questions though...not shutting the door completely.
There are things one can do - lots of exercise can help. A winter break in the sun, SAD lamps really help some people. And the snow is good. Do you like winter sports?
D20 seems to really respond to outdoor activity. That's definitely the ticket for her. If she keeps busy, then she is ok.
Pondering...
I know beauty plays a big part. For me at least. I need to feel surrounded by beauty and comfort. But, it's still a bit of a battle.
We could never afford the vacation thing...so there's that.
The light never did much for me. I had a really expensive one and I was religious about using it.
Still pondering...kinda fun to ponder about OPTIONS!
And we would be so close to skiing for D20. She is an avid skiier when she gets the chance...has skiied with my dad in Park City many times. She loves the mountains.
I know that Vitamin D plays a big role, but I'm not sure I want to risk bringing that fresh hell into our lives. I've taken Vitamin D in the past...not sure I took the right amount.
The big experts in the field want to make 2,000 IU/d the new RDA. And my typical patient who is low, usually needs aroung 5,000 IU/d for several months to get them where they should be. M<any of them report resolution of their SAD symptoms once they've been on this dose for a while.
Heather,
I totally get this (although I probably TOTALLY over-analyze!). If I don't write things down, they stay mumble-jumble in my brain, bouncing around in an unorganized fashion. I have to get them out- it's kind of a way to collect my thoughts, if you will. I can't really move on from them until I do this, they will incessantly pop up and feed off from each other and mess with my focus if I don't just write them down. But I think, at this point, I probably do overanalyze my h. I wish I knew what was in HIS head- although..... that's probably a really scary place... so maybe I really don't!
On another note- how exciting for you with the job offer!!! That must be a great boost for the spirit. Well deserved! You have such great insight and depth- your contributions will be very appreciated wherever you are.
Now... Lake Ontario! That is close to my stomping grounds! It's a small world!
Good luck!
Thank you Mighty, KML and GM. I appreciate the input.
K, I will pick up some Vitamin D. I know I never took it consistently for months or had my levels checked.
Mighty, if I take this position, we will have to meet up :-)
GM...I'm not sure if the winter will be much different as far as the SAD is concerned or not? It further north than we are. I already checked out indoor pools. Swimming seems to make a big difference for me.
I've been trying to get quiet and really hone in on what I'm after...what's my vision for myself and the girls. D11 is really struggling. I keep telling her that I don't know if this will work out or not and to calm it down...but, D20 is a grab-the-bull-by-horns type of girl. She needs a meeting.
We went on a nice hike yesterday.
And, after, we went to see my mom. It was strange. Mom called me crying on Friday night. She was upset because D20's bestie is moving out to go back to school. When I told her about the job offer, she broke down.
I tried to check on her all weekend and had a hard time getting a hold of her. I took over some food yesterday and she grilled us with questions and tried to turn the meeting into a therapy session. I resisted. I was quiet and contained within my world of whatever...when I left...I found myself...before I even drove out of the parking lot...searching for that place of peace that I had BEFORE I went to see mom.
I did notice that while I was talking about the job offer, mom shut me down and changed the subject. IDK.
I have a lot to deal with this week and I'm dreading it a bit. We have this One Direction concert coming up on the 17th in Detroit and I need to confirm arrangements with my dad about staying at his house. I haven't spoken to him and I will have to tackle the subject of D20's taking a semester off. I'm not looking forward to that...then, the questions about the college monies...ugh.
I've had a few phone calls from parents looking for tutoring this next year. I will need to respond to those.
I'm working, this morning, on my questions for this publisher.
Also, I want to look at the job boards again for journalism jobs and find a better group of clips to send out.
I bought some magazines yesterday and poster board for all three of us. I watched a sermon on the Vision by Paula White. I really like her. Anyway, I want D11, especially, to create an image of what she wants. I think this would help in the coming months. I want to do one for myself too.
Questions for Publisher. Feedback Appreciated.
Salary.
Benefits.
Retirement.
Relocation allowance.
What support staff will I have? Do these two publications have two different sets of staff? Or, one staff for both? How many writers? Do I share a graphics/layout staff with the other newspapers?
How closely do I work with advertising? You mentioned the agriculture publication was struggling before you assumed it...how is it by way of advertising right now?
How many pages do each of these publications contain?
Wow, I'm putzing...sent the questions to the publisher, doing laundry, picking up, looking up other journalism jobs and, in the background, I have a sermon preaching...AND...I hear her say (I'm paraphrasing),
It's easier to be a VICTIM than a VICTOR. The issue is...I'm too lazy to do the WORK, so let me blame someone else for my unhappiness...I only have you for a total of two days, ideally, out of 365 days of the year...I can only hope that you leave here and do the daily work, and be responsible, and take responsibility and be disciplined and don't blame...Because IF you want to find a WAY, you will...otherwise you will find an excuse...Some of you are married to an earthly treasure and you keep going after trash. Don't you want to know, 'Why do I do that?' It's always someone else's fault...NO, I have charge of my life. I have ownership of my life.
She went on to say...we use situations, thoughts, people...these all formed us and we use these as mirrors of our own worth. Sometimes...SOMETIMES, these reflections weren't accurate of who we REALLY are...but, we took in those reflections as truth.
If you want to know why we are in these situations today, look back 10, 15, 30 years before and see what SEEDS were planted in our lives that grew and developed and were nourished to create these situations.
In my case, I know that Smokey's "infection of negativity/lack of faith/soul sickness" eventually infected my own life...I allowed that.
Look at the measures being taken to prevent Ebola from spreading into the U.S. Look at how cautious they are being with these two patients to prevent the further spread of this disease...What if I had been that careful with what thoughts/beliefs/situations I allowed in my life...so I wouldn't be infected...
There are some people in our lives that (according to this pastor)...we need to forget what they look like.
Wonka, where are you?
I received some more specifics on the editor jobs/jobs. Still kinda vague.
Heather:
A lot of these answers await firming up of our plans. I’ll do the best I can:
1. Ag publication is twice monthly. At this juncture, we’d like to maintain that frequency. It is called Empire Farmer; the weekly is the Jefferson County Journal. Don’t bother looking for their websites – there are none. Here is a link to our story on this:
http://www.watertowndailytimes.com/article/20140801/NEWS03/1408099352. We have no clear picture of staffing. But I think you can presume that there will be no “specialty” reporters assigned to either publication. Likewise, we have not firmed up production needs but we have a central production facility in Watertown and our other weekly papers receive assistance in page creation. Empire Farmer will likely be entirely done through our production crew, but the editor will be expected to direct traffic.
3. Page count of current publications is not really relevant. We intend to see what each publication can support.
4. I cannot predict salary. It will depend on how the position is structured, what the work load will be and what the successful candidate’s experience is. The company offers paid vacation and sick leave, a 401-k retirement plan, health and dental insurance, a life insurance policy. We are an equal opportunity employer.
5. There is no company policy on relocation compensation. Other management candidates have brought the issue up as a negotiations item.
6. There will be a separate advertising staff. We do not yet know what title the person who directs this operation will have; it will be commensurate with the responsibilities.
Hope this helps.
A library called to schedule an interview in the heart of Amish Country. Same area that I was looking at before...A full-time position.
Amish Country.
Now you're in my neck of the woods....
Actually, GG, I'm already there! The library is where the wealthy Amish live...thriving in tourism...we live near the Po' Amish. :-)
Hmmmm... maybe we're neighbors?
Hi Heather,
If you want to hear something kinda sick, my W, when she has heard those type of things said, uses it for justification for leaving her M. She figures that if I'm not around to blame for her being unhappy, then she will only have herself to blame for it. Instead of her thinking that blaming me is just wrong headed, she thinks "Well, I'll be on my own and there won't be anyone else around so I won't be able to say it's someone else's fault". It's like she has invested so much into my being the cause of her problems it's easier to just run away then to stop and change that way of thinking. Of course the problem there is she will still find a way to either keep blaming me or find new people or things as her reason.
It's the easy way. The cowards way. The selfish way. Run away from the people and things that you have used to justify your lack of joy. If things change than you were right all along and you don't have to face that you were at all at fault. It's like just after B-day when my W's "friends" were saying that if she's sure that she wants to leave her M then she needs to "be strong" and do it. Well, no. What they were actually saying was "Be weak", don't try and fix the mess you made, take the easy way and run away! Like her father saying that hiding money was "empowering" in some way.
My W has said that she needs to leave so she can "find my joy". What she is doing is hurting so many people, ruining lives, causing so much pain to her own kids. If, by destroying her family and causing so many innocents so much hurt, she is able to find that joy, how can she truly enjoy it knowing that the cost was paid by so many people that loved and trusted and counted on her? To me it would be like foreclosing on her own kids so she can have the nice big house they worked hard to get. How could you enjoy living there knowing that you hurt someone else, someone who loved and trusted you totally, so badly to get it cheap?
We hear that sermon you talked about and we hear that it is our responsibility to do the work, to be disciplined and if we are blaming someone or something else, to stop and do the hard work. The MLCer hears it and thinks "Once I get rid of the cause of all my pain, I'll be sure to do just that in the future". My W wants "ownership of her life", she has said as much. But for her the only to get that is to run away from her current life completely and start over. The idea of doing the work needed to repair the damage she herself caused is too much, too daunting to consider. It doesn't matter who else gets hurt or how much more damage she causes anyone else as long as she can just be rid of the past and try again. No icky looking at what she may have done to cause her pain or the breakdown of the M. Like she said about how what she is doing will hurt the girls.."We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it". It may take years and so much pain but hey, at least SHE won't have to do any work!
Sorry to hijack but as I was reading something just like that sermon this weekend, this is what came to mind.
No apology necessary.
I really think MLC takes the pain element of this to another level. If you have no spiritual foundation or strong sense of self--which of course you wouldn't if you didn't have some validation/support as a child--then, I can see the pain being all-consuming.
Honestly, from what I've read here and elsewhere...the pain and fear is so utterly devastating that it creates a fight or flight response on the part of the MLC-er. Not to discount the damage done, but I'm not sure we, LBS-er's, have a clear understanding of how much pain they are in...
Nope. PA.
But I do make it to Cleveland on occasion!
---GGG
Heather,
In reading what the person said to you in regard to your questions, it seems to me that they don't want to get too specific out of the fear that it'd drive you away. I think it is with a good reason that it is so vague and I wouldn't invest too much in that. At the bare minimum, when running a magazine or newspaper, the management must know the costs to run it, personnel, beanies, etc. It kind of boggles my mind that they cannot tell you a salary range or how many pages a publication is usually at.
You might want to take a look at a local magazine that caters to travel in the local areas with info on restaurants, special features of that city, etc. Every state and/or locale has such magazine that could be right up your alley.
Heather, your efforts are really paying off. You are being given new opportunities to be able to provide for your family and have a great life for you all. I hope you get exactly what you are hoping for. You deserve it!
I find myself in a situation regarding a potential new job. There is a managerial position vacant which my manager has suggested I apply for. F/T and good salary, which is a mixed blessing. I haven't worked f/t for over 10 years, and whilst I am not lazy and realise I have to support myself I am really not sure if this kind of responsibility is what I am looking for right now. Some of it is a confidence issue, some a self preservation thing - I don't want to fail as something again so soon after the failure of my relationship. Some of it is having my time and space again and liking it, not sure I'm ready to give it up right now.
I don't have children to consider, just the dog, and she says "stay with me". Don't have too long to make up my mind as closing date is 8/8!!
Also, FYI - I found the move away from BD location to be a good one. Although I have moved to be closer from family, the good bit is knowing he isn't going to turn up anywhere/anytime (and neither is his wife!!). Neighbours don't know him so no comments/questions re his whereabouts (I made it quite clear to family if I wanted to discuss anything I would bring it up, otherwise subject closed). The chance to have new life experiences without old memories interfering.
Have a great day Heather, and enjoy the attention.
Sent another 11-12 resumes out. I'm beginning to notice opportunities I would have previously ignored...thinking I wasn't qualified. Saw some columnist positions. It's a new day. My FUTURE will look nothing like my past.
God gave me some clear visions of what He wants for while I was mowing yesterday. Best ideas always while I'm mowing. Lol.
Both girls really needing me right now. Trying to be present, but can't forget to be there for ME too!!
Thanks AB!! Always so nice when you drop by :-)
Open yourself up to what's ahead. You can handle it!!
Heather, you are being very quiet here, hope everything is going OK.
Hope your are just spending time with your girls and at your new job.
Applied for the job - who knows!!
Thanks Ab :-)
Nothing much to report. Haven't heard anything from New York, Smokey's atty, Smokey or elsewhere.
I have the Kohl's orientation on Friday. I have another interested client for tutoring. I really see myself able to help this little boy. He lost his dad over the summer in a drowning accident.
Just not sure where God wants me right now. I wish HE would take out a billboard or something, "HEATHER! GO HERE!"
2.5 years of limbo is enough.
Thinking of u and following, Heather.... Nothing much to add but support, thoughts, and prayers
.
God wants you exactly where you are right now. The rest will come.
Thank you Shining. It means a lot.
I know something better is waiting...it's just the sitting in between Point A and Point B that's gotten old. I want a vision of this new life. But, I guess nothing is stopping me from creating the VISION.
I even had the girls create vision boards so we could gets some clarity on what we want our future to look like. I finished mine last night. It was a fun project.
What came up was...country life, rural, old houses, antiques, water views, near water, small cottage-style living with lots of windows, beauty and brightness...and a new car and writing.
Heather, I like the vision boards! What a great idea for you and the kids! That's such a good place to start when you aren't sure what direction you are going. It should be insightful to collect your thoughts, dreams, likes, and.... vision for the future! Atta girl! You have such a positive spirit; it's to be admired.
the sitting in between Point A and Point B that's gotten old. I want a vision of this new life. But, I guess nothing is stopping me from creating the VISION.
Exactly!! The "sitting" is where I tend to get "stuck".
NOTHING IS STOPPING YOU BUT YOU!!!! (I will do better when I practice what I preach here, too
. )
It's hard to take the focus off the sitch. I go through up-and-down phases, for sure.
Here is a piece of an article I came across that references getting going when it's difficult:
"Can't even find a starting place? Here is another analogy for how almost any activity is better than no activity at all. In sailing, like bicycles, you can sometimes come to a full stop as well. But if you "scull" the tiller back and forth you can actually fan the water off the back of the boat enough to push yourself forward. Literally changing direction, repeatedly and forcefully, can propel you forward enough that you can then turn back into the wind and sail. There may not be any other way to catch the breezes that will push you forward.You don't fool yourself that this aimless churning of the water off of your stern is deliberate steering. You know that it is just to move you to where you can turn into the wind again. In other words, if you do need to investigate a million possibilities, know that you are sculling, not steering. You will meet lots of people, talk about a lot of ideas, and something eventually is going to happen that will push you along. Once you have momentum, then you can find where the wind can help you most.
Is this making sense? Get moving forward before you try to steer. If you can't move at all, steer everywhere, just to generate the activity that will help you find some forward motion. Once you are moving, then you can actually steer where you want to go."
That does help Shining. Thanks :-)
Hi All,
I'm struggling today. I'm going to take the next few hours to screw my head on straight.
I haven't heard anything back from New York, or anywhere and I feel discouraged...I know this is how this works...but, I'm impatient. Have a busy week... and I'm not sure if I should shoot an email or a phone call to New York? Feedback is welcome.
Heather,
I'm sorry you had a bad day. That is so frustrating waiting for that call. I was laid off a couple years ago and didn't get one call for 6 months. I finally got called back to my original position after countless hours applying for a job. It is stressful and makes you feel terrible. I'm sorry. The right opportunity is just waiting for you! Something will happen at just the right time (I know, can't it be now?!)
I don't see why it would hurt to reach out to the NY position. Why not? I don't see how it could hurt you. You only have something to gain by trying, right? I will keep my fingers crossed and send a prayer to a higher power.... keep us posted!
Heather,
Have you thought about contacting your old HS buddies and network through them?
New York got back. They want me to come up and interview next week. I have to get there, but they will "ply" me with food and provide a hotel room. :-)
Alright! That is so exciting! I am very happy for you. Good Luck!!