“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”
This is my new #3 thread.
here is my old thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2459800&page=1
Thanks for the great reply TL. No, fortunately in Texas only one spouse needs to go to final court hearing, so I do NOT plan to go (even though H will be going with MY cousin the attorney). I'll try to keep it just like any other day. Maybe I'll ask a few friends out for a drink like you did, which is a perfect idea.
hugs to you and a toast to your refi application being behind you!
cczamo
Thanks cczamo
wow your stbx chose your cousin for an attorney? eek.
My exh left a cryptic voicemail a couple hours ago, it was very angry sounding and it said "do what you gotta do so I can sign the house over to you" and then hung up. It instantly riled me up in my stomach, he still has that affect on me for some reason, I guess old habits die hard, I just remember the anger very well. I was thinking to myself "wth" trying to figure out why he's angry or whatever, just a habit. I was not going to call him back so I emailed him and said "I submitted the refi application last night, it takes 30 days. I have a year to do it, is there a problem?" mostly i didn't like his tone with me, it's on me though taking it that way. I wanted to respond and not react. He responded to my email with "I have to leave". and that's it. To me that makes me think that something happened to anger him and that he has to "leave" makes me think he may have lost his job. That was the only thing keeping him here. I responded with "ok" and that was that. I don't think I need him to sign anything on the refi anyway, it's in the papers and the loan will be just in my name but i'll find out shortly. Not my problem anymore. He makes his own choices and has to deal with them on his own - I found it funny how I automatically thought that I did something wrong to anger him. That's the old co-dependent people pleaser in me. I'm acknowledging it, self correcting, moving on.
Don't sweat it TL, I get the same way. When I told my stbxW that the people at the phone store couldn't do what she wanted she got so very angry AT ME! When the cost for having my D18 and me on the same plan was more than she had been told she got angry at ME saying that I MUST have gotten it wrong and I found myself getting upset and starting to want to defend myself and stop her from being angry at me! Why do we do that? I've been trying so hard to please her for so long I guess it's just habit!
Keep going as you have, TL. You got this!!
Hi TL. I just want to let you know I will have you and your mom in my prayers tonight. Is she doing any better? Are you okay?
Read about your re-fi - good going!! But you will most likely have to get your husbands signature on an Interspousal Transfer Deed to take his name off the title (I assume you were both on it), and he'll probably have to sign something for the lending company to acknowledge the change in the loan, or to acknowledge the pay-off amount to the original lender. I had to do that in April. So I think you might have to see him again at the re-fi 'party.' And don't worry about the mortgage payment - if you find you can't afford it or it takes too much money away that you would like to save or spend in other ways, then sell the house. At least all the equity will be yours and it will repay the half you may have had to pay him for the house in the divorce. Do you have equity in it already? Did you pay him his half in the divorce?
LOVE your opening line about the three things you can't cover up for long . . . very good!
TL72, yes!! my H DID choose my cousin as he did not personally know another atty. We are not getting separate attorneys as we never co-mingled our separate property-only the house, and I bought him out at end of March. As a CPA i know what I'm doing. I insisted on a prenup (which angered him at the time, but now is to his advantage).
Your exH possibly losing his job (if thats indeed what happened) is not rare in the MLCer. In fact, i've read on these forums a former MLC'r FavoriteWierdo said losing his job probably triggered him to start moving OUT of his MLC and refocus more on his W, ButterflyMom. They eventually reconciled, I believe.
Would you be prepared if something like that were to happen with your exH?
My own stbXH mentioned last week that he might be joining me on Cobra because layoffs might be coming at his employer, and he could be one of them. In past few months he has been so angry at world that he has even been angry at his work, mentioning that he would not mind being laid off or fired. He's acting out on yet another of the 4 pillars of MLC: changing their home, their M relationship, their body, and their career. My H has all 4.
I will also be praying for you and your Mom. Is she long distance away?
Thanks Matt, TBoned and cczamo for responding.
My mother is in liver failure, I was hoping she would regain more lucidity but she's in and out. I don't think she has much time left.I've been driving to the hospital every day to spend some time with her but mostly she's sleeping. I'm having a rather sh*tty 2014 so far but not going to let that get me down. My appraisal is tomorrow for the refi. Closing date is July 12, can't wait to have that over. With the refi I will save 300/month, I was able to make the payment now but not able to do much else, now with that cushion if an emergency arises I can handle it better or be able to buy a new pair of pants if I need it. It's been a struggle but I've been making it, I have a lot of pets to take care of too lol but I love 'em. Thanks for the heads up tboned on the exspouse maybe having to sign, I really haven't been told yet, filled out title paperwork today and it said they could remove a name and if it was for divorce just include the paperwork with the property settlement. He walked away from the house completely, he did not ask for any of the equity, so it will be all mine and I'm thrilled about that now. cczamo you asked about my view on the whole "if" he were to start to come out of mlc now that he's possibly lost his job, well that occurred to me, I've read all those posts too, and I was wondering if he'd hit his rock bottom and ask to move in the basement or something like that, so far I have not heard a word. He doesn't know about any of my personal business and I'm just going to keep it that way. I definitely let go of the rope and have moved on. Now that I can "see" clearly I can live without that treatment. I finally figured out that I deserve better. I'm done being a doormat and a people pleaser. I didn't even realize I was doing it for all those years. So he did me a favor, opened my eyes. Matt what you said about your w getting mad at you - yep i know that one all too well, and I was always trying to "fix" things to please him. Never realized I could not fix him, I didn't break him. I'm over it. I'm really enjoying accomplishing things on my own, and also being taken out on real dates where i'm treated so much better, it's almost alien to me but I love it.
Just wanted to check on you and your mom's situation. How is she doing? How are you doing?
quick update - mom is in end stages of liver failure and is at home for a week now in hospice care. My 2 brothers are living there (one already lived with her, the other just moved here from California). She has a nurse that comes for 2 - four hour shifts and a hospice nurse comes out several times a week. She's got maybe a few days left in her. I visit with her every day, she knows I'm there still, smiles when I greet her, says I love you when I leave and tell her that. Otherwise she's sleeping. She has a DNR order, no longer eats and refuses her meds. She's ready, it just takes time. She does take her pain pill and drinks some sprite. It is painful to watch someone deteriorate like this. After going through a "death" of sorts in January with the BD and divorce, I just felt strong again and like I'll be ok and then this happens. Well, I still feel strong (so far) and I'm feeling blessed that I can spend this time with her and let her know that I love her. It just [censored] to go through that whole grieving process and now doing it all over again. That's life though. I have been praying for God to ease her passing. Thanks ladies for your support
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. You and her are in my prayers, TL. You will get through this with the same grace you have shown in your M ending and in your life as a whole. I'll be thinking of you!
Hey TL...so sorry to read about your Mom! My Mom had liver cancer and it is not a good thing! I pray that she will be pain free and in peace! I also pray for strength for you sweetie!
Hugs
CW
thanks Matt and CW.
CW I have not seen you in awhile!! I'm going to go see if you updated your sitch. Good to see you!
Sending you peace and comforting thoughts!
TL, thank you for the update. I'm sorry you have to go through this but like you said, it's part of life.
Just think how comforting it is for her to know you are there with her in the final days of her life. You are giving her such a gift. As a mom, I'll bet she is so grateful and happy to have her children surrounding her with love and care. It's such an honor to be able to help them through this after all they did for you growing up.Did it for my dad a couple years ago.
TL, I know your mom is so proud of you and I wish I could tell her what a great job she did raising such a kind, smart, and strong woman of character and substance. Your mom is to be honored and congratulated on that.
To echo previous posts, you will get through this with dignity and grace because of who you are and what you have been through already. Maybe the divorce experience was God's way of training you for this.
My prayers and love to you, your family, and your mom. (((((())))))
TL, I'm just catching up on the boards and searched for your posts for update on your mother. I ditto the compliments from others here to your mom for doing such a great job raising you.
May I add one thing that might come across as strange: You and your siblings might want to tell her not only that you love her and that you'll miss her, but that you'll be okay, and that it's okay for her to let go.
I am keeping you in my prayers, and sending you ehugs...(((TL72))))
I am so impressed with you TL for all the growth and strength you've shown despite all the bad 2014 has thrown at you.
Yet despite all that you have been/are facing you still go on these boards, follow up with our situations here, give out sound advice, and sound so calm and grounded and strong.
I want what you're having. You are my inspiration and role model.
aww you guys are so kind to me, thank you so much for your support!! Thank you GB, Tboned and CC
CC I will tell her when I visit tomorrow that it's ok to let go. She is still holding on but every day is a little bit worse. She doesn't open her eyes today and is not swallowing well, I think the morphine starts tonight or tomorrow, she can't seem to take a pain pill anymore - the swallowing is an issue. Hospice is supposed to come out today so hopefully they will advise. Everyone keeps saying 1 or 2 more days and it has stretched out it seems. I do tell her I love her every day and she has responded every day but not this morning. She mumbled but it is hard to understand her anymore and she is mostly just sleeping. I do think maybe God was training me Tboned - preparing me for heartache, just a double whammy of it. So far I cried more during the BD process although I miss my mother already because to me she's already gone. I have found wonderful friends and support system through this whole 6 months, I can't believe it's only been that long. Feels like an eternity. This is the longest that has gone by without a peep from the ex, I think it's a month he's been silent. I don't even care about it anymore, would just add to the drama in my life anyway. Just once in awhile it will pop in my head, I have become indifferent towards him. I can honestly say I don't need or want to hear from him anymore because I felt so abandoned and rejected, now I feel needed and wanted by others in my life and I got my self worth back. If it weren't for my mother going through this, I would truly feel happy. I do feel happy but of course sad at the same time since I'm going through the grief process again for a different reason. You guys are so awesome, thank you again, I really have learned so much from this place and could not have grown so much without it. (((hugs)))
I understand. Rejection and abandonment is a big one of my deals and H did both. Remember, we often attract the same type of person and that's how we end up hurt again and again. Take some time away from needing somebody. Work on yourself and your goals and animals and people. You'll find an inner peace and begin to heal yourself. Later after all this you can date and know what kind of person is good for you. Remember, if a person is prone to run (abandon) he'll/she'll more likely to do it again and again.
This is the longest that has gone by without a peep from the ex, I think it's a month he's been silent. I don't even care about it anymore, would just add to the drama in my life anyway. Just once in awhile it will pop in my head, I have become indifferent towards him. I can honestly say I don't need or want to hear from him anymore because I felt so abandoned and rejected, now I feel needed and wanted by others in my life and I got my self worth back.
Do you think exH has any knowledge of your Mother's situation? Is he the type who would run not knowing what to say at a time like this?
I'm still praying for you, TL and your mom and family. Yesterday, driving home from church alone in my car, I drove with my convertible top down and looked up to the clouds and the blue sky. I prayed out loud for you: "God, where ever and whoever TL72 is, please comfort her and her mother at this difficult time, and bring all of them your peace." I hope you feel the prayers from so many.
Gotta say I agree with czzamo about telling your mom it's okay to let go. I told my dad that as well, and it seemed to make a difference.
We all love you here, TL. (((((((Giant group Hug)))))))))
wow CC thank you so much! That really touches my heart. Thank you for your prayers. She started on the morphine today and it's just day by day now. My brother did tell her last night that it was ok to let go, that us kids would be ok and have each others back. I always tell her I love her but there's always a caregiver in the room and I feel weird talking to her with a stranger in there. I will ask her to leave a minute tomorrow morning if she's still there so I can talk to her in private. She is no longer speaking or opening her eyes or eating or drinking. Just sleeping.
I feel strong though. My cat ran away and haven't seen her since last Thursday, set a trap and she hasn't gone in it. I may have said this already, sorry if I did. My refi is supposed to close July 12th but they're still waiting on the title work which I gave them what they asked for 2 weeks ago - hoping it closes on time, not that it matters other than I want that over with. CC on your question about the ex, no I don't think he knows, we don't talk to any of the same people and I have no idea what his life is like anymore and he doesn't know mine either. All of this going on did redirect my attention to other things and the divorce, even though it's only a few months old, seems like something from my distant past at this point. Time is weird. I redid my will and my living will so that the ex is no longer any part of it. beneficiary's are changed and pretty soon I'll be all set. I like this feeling, no longer co-dependent!!! Thanks again you guys- I really really appreciate your thoughts and kindness.
TL, in regards to changing your will and living will, don't forget to change any assets that "bypass" your will, such as IRAs, retirement accounts, etc.
Those named beneficiaries are distributed outside of the directions in the will, but if you're divorced from a named beneficiary such as exH, there may be provisions in your state for your intended beneficiaries to contest that possible oversight.
Hey cc, I definitely changed all my benificiarys on my IRA and even my work accidental death life insurance policy. I covered all my bases
My mother passed this morning at 1am. I did tell her yesterday to let go, she was in terrible shape yesterday. Today we cleaned out her closet and they came and picked up the hospital bed and equipment for hospice. I'm glad she's no longer suffering.
On another note, I had received an email from the title company needing my exh's info so that they could contact him to sign the release on the title. I gave it to them and went ahead and emailed ex H letting him know that someone would be contacting him about that. Keep in mind that HE left me, HE filed for divorce, HE put in the papers that I had to refi, HE is the one that put in the papers that he wanted NOTHING from the house. The divorce is final now for 3 months and about a month ago HE left me an angry voicemail wanting me to refi now and not wait (I had a year, it was in the divorce decree). I had already started the refi the day before he left that message. Now I get this email this morning - which I was already feeling crappy due to my mother's ordeal, and he knows nothing of my personal business, but he wrote this in response to my email :
"I see. So I sign the deed before any money changes hands, relinquishing any rights to anything Sounds fair. At least it gives you the opportunity to f*ck me one last time. I hate this planet. Whatever. You'll get what you want."
nice huh? I did not reply. He called me twice later on and I did not answer the phone. no voicemail was left. Did he really think i'd answer a call from him after that email? I was initially angry, now i'm just feeling some pity for him. May he have all the good things in life that I've ever wanted for myself.
TL,
I'm so sorry about your Mom and think it's wonderful you were ae to be with her at the end. I know it's difficult.Your xh? Mega tool.
Sending you a hug!
So sorry about your mom.
And your ex, he sounds ---- well -----ill. Or stupid. One or the other. Did he think they would refinance without him signing the title?
If he's supposed to get proceeds from the refi, you can specify that a check for that amount goes to him from the escrow company when the refi closes - apparently he can't think of things like that?
I'm sorry your whole bomb-to-divorce timeline was so short, and he sounds unbalanced and depressed. I agree with sending him mental best wishes.
OMG, TL.
First of all,I am so sorry to hear about your mom even though she is now pain free. But it's never easy when it actually happens. And again, you were sooooo good to and strong for her. She left carrying much love from you with her. I will be praying for you and her tonight before I sleep.
As for your other sitch - whoa! Just got done reading and answering your post on my thread and was curious about the comments where XH was now 'spewing venom' etc. Last I heard, you had not heard from him for quite a while! Well, boy did he make a scene! I am so sorry you have to be on the receiving end of that. What did he think was going to happen???
And excuse me??? WHO got F*ck*d??? The nerve . . . Well, now it's glaringly apparent you are better off without him, and I do feel sympathy for him because he's just really lost .....in many ways. You stand tough and fair - keep your side of the street clean. I know you will.
Love the mantra - nice touch. You're too good, TL.
(((Hugs))
TL, I'm just checking in after a few days away, and I am very sorry about your mother, but you do know that she is in a better place, and you will see her again.
Wow! I ditto the other remarks about the exH. His email sounds exactly like my soon to be xH. I hope that someday your x puts together his email date, and the date of your mothers's passing and feels remorse, but somehow I dont know if that will happen. You should be content that you have had grace and dignity throughout, and that while you pray for him to have all the good things you want for yourself, God will deal with x in His own time.
extra hugs,
cc
Thanks all for your support. It made me feel better to vent it here. I will not allow him to affect my moods any longer.
He has texted me twice just asking me if I found the cat. I just answered no. I am disappointed that the cat didn't find her way home. My mothers ashes arrived yesterday. I do know she's no longer in any pain so I am relieved about that. Thanks again for taking time to post cc, gb, kml & tboned
Sunday I went to a Motley Crue concert in Cincinatti - part of my GAL!! It was fun and a great mood lifter. Today I went to the zoo with my 2 brothers and niece, a beautiful day for it. I think my closing will be moved out a little further, waiting on the title company to get their sh*t together. Now i'm hoping things will return to more "normal" for me
thanks again you guys (hugs)
So glad to see your post. You have really been through the wringer. But I hope you are feeling a little better and I'm glad you feel some relief about your mom. You can breathe out now....
Sounds like you had some fun times the last few days - good for you. YOU deserve it! And don't think much on the title company closing - it'll get done. Never goes according to plan.
Hey, I hope your cat comes back. You know, sometimes they just disappear for two or three days and then there they are on the front porch one day like nothing happened.
(((to you))) - be thinking of you....
Hi Tl,
I am so sorry to hear about your Mom. Hugs and prayers your way..
and you are just wonderful!
T,
I'm very sorry to come here today and read that your mother has passed away. I hope that the many happy memories that you shared with her will comfort you in the days ahead.
TL, I'm ditto-ing what T-boned says about your cat. I remember that my brother's cat went missing in Boulder. After 3 weeks they'd given up hope, but then a neighbor called to tell them that upon returning from a 2.5 week vacation, they opened up garage, and the cat was there. It had been stuck in there the entire time. Weak, but alive.
They dont say that they have 9 lives for nothing!
crossing my fingers and praying too.
Hi TL,
So very sorry to hear about your mom. You were there for her in the end and she was better for it (as were you). About you xH's rant....what a jerk! He ran so fast from you and towards D and here he is, saying he was the one to get f*&ked. I just was posting on my thread about how the MLCer changes so very much. How in their need to feel better they see us and in your xH's case it seems, the "planet" as the "bad" guys. I sincerely hope that someday he comes out of his tunnel enough to see what an A&^ he is being! They deserve that. I think for them to truly recover, they NEED that. They should face up to the pain they have caused, to the deeds that they have done.
Glad to hear you are out and having fun. Motley Crue, huh? There's a group from my past!
thank you all for your condolences. It does mean a lot to me.
thanks too for the encouragement on the cat - it's been 2 weeks tomorrow she's been gone. Leaving that in God's hands. I have no control over it anyway. Matt the Crue concert is their farewell tour so I had to go
Alice Cooper opened, he's like 70 something and still put on an excellent show - I really had a great time. It was a very long drive to Cinci (I live in East Tennessee) but it was soooo much fun. Really took my mind off anything else. Tonight is pool with the girls. I feel so very blessed to have good friends now and new things to do. Talked to the mortgage guy last night, he's ready to send the paperwork to the underwriters but the exH has to sign the quit claim deed. They sent it to him Monday so hopefully he takes care of that this week. I won't hold my breath. Closing was supposed to be the 12th but I can tell that will be moved back. I'm ok with that, I'm being patient. I am not contacting the ex to see if he's taking care of it - he'll do it when he does it and I'll let the title company hound him for it. He doesn't have too much choice anyway. It's in the divorce decree which he wrote and did not want any of the equity, that's his own choice so I owe him nothing. He could potentially delay this for me but again he's the one that put it in the papers that I had to refi within 90 days, I had it changed to one year and still did it within 90 days (started it anyway) so just have to wait and see what happens with that. I will celebrate when it's over for sure. I plan on buying a new couch and rug for the LR which will change up the house, right now it's pretty much just as it was when he left other than I changed some deco around. A new couch is just what I need for a new vibe!! Going to paint as well now that I will have some extra funds. Looking forward to making this home more mine and wiping away the old memories. I've been doing little things, the other day I fixed the bathroom faucet all by myself. It is empowering to be able to do things like that on your own. Feeling stronger all the time. I'm still seeing someone new and he treats me so nice, really enjoying life in the present. I sold all the old jewelry at the gold place in town, not sure if I said that already. Better to have cash than see a bunch of memories in a box that i'll never wear again. I kept my diamond because it was my grandmothers so that had a different memory to it. All in all, today is a good day and I'm grateful!!
Your ex is jerking you around if HE is one who wanted refi deadline but is now not signing. Go figure MLC. He's probably upset with himself for not asking for equity. But not asking for equity may have been due to his guilt for walking on you and your pets. You have established a paper trail proving your compliance.
I only wish...I had to fork over major moolah to get h's equity to him, but I'm in a hot real estate market and am fortunate to have had ability to do that. I figured real estate here is yielding better return than other investments, so if I sold and got the cash, where would I live? and what would I invest in that was better rate of return?
I have same issue as you with my wedding/engagement rings. They were my mom's. Dad gave to her, and after his death, it just seemed right to use them in my new marriage which was months after dad passed away. After bomb drop, and when H had taken off rings, I moved mine to my right hand. But now, even seeing them on right hand bugs me, so I've just looked at them in jewelry box for last month.
I'll keep praying for your cat to come home. Was she microchipped? I swear by that. I've had several pets over the years, and two times that microchip has brought them back home in rare instances they got out.
Hi TL, I am so sorry to read about your Mother's passing! Sending you hugs!
CW
thank you CW - hope you are doing well!!
CC - I thought about wearing the ring on my right hand as well mostly because I think it's pretty
and it was my grandmothers but it still reminds me of the marriage of course so I don't. Yes the cat is microchipped, i have a live trap set up outside but have caught nothing, not even a coon or possum which i'm surprised about. I live in a heavily wooded area and when I got this cat from the shelter they said they had to trap her outside, someone had dumped her they thought. Took them several days though, but it's been 2 weeks today and i've not seen her since. I think she's out in the woods. I have a garage (that's how she got out) but most of my neighbors have car ports so I don't think she got stuck in one of those. No way to know, just hope that she does end up at the shelter so I could get her back, but who knows, I'm leaving that in God's hands too. He's handled everything else for me good so far!!
Yes I consider myself very lucky I didn't have to pay equity and you nailed it, I think he felt guilty about the whole thing and that's why he was just walking away without anything. Now maybe he's regretting that decision but it's too late. I guess me signing the divorce papers right away was a good decision because I got it done before he had time to think more on it. At the time he was very pleased with himself and wanted to be "friendly" but now he seems to be in a different place emotionally. Not my problem!
Good for you facing the inevitable, signing the papers quickly, and now reaping the benefits!
Karma
I guess me signing the divorce papers right away was a good decision because I got it done before he had time to think more on it.
Hey TL, looking back it's funny how things have a way of working out.
Just checking in on ya. As usual, you sound really good. Just want to thank you again for your support. Later.
Closing on the refi is tomorrow!! He signed the quit claim deed (I was afraid he would not do it) so that is a relief!! I don't have to see him again and with that last contact I get the feeling he will not contact me again anyway. A notary is coming to my house to have me sign the papers and then it will be done. I'm excited that this chapter can close and a new one will begin.
I'm sorry about how things came about...but I'm very happy to read that he signed the quit claim deed and the refi is taking place tomorrow. Onward and upward, the next chapter of your life has begun.
Yay, TL. Congratulations! After all you have been through this year, hopefully from here on out you get some peace and joy for a while before the next challenge. You are to be commended for the way you handled yourself through all of this. I'm so proud of you and how you have been able to work through it all with grace and dignity. Up on the pedestal you go!
Now when I get to a bad spot I say, "what would TL do?'
Thank you, my friend.
Thank you job! Thank you Tboned
I was so anxious yesterday and it only took 30 minutes to sign all that paperwork, now it's mine (and the banks) and he's officially free of it and I'm officially independent. Went out to celebrate and had dinner, drinks and played pool with my very supportive friend. yesterday happened to be the day that my brothers and I spread my mother's ashes as well. We went to a big waterfall in the woods and the weather was absolutely perfect yesterday. Now to focus on eating healthier and quitting smoking. I only started at BD 6 months ago so I should be able to get a handle on that hopefully
Tboned thanks again for your kind words.
Tina
TL - I popped over to check out your thread after you left me such an encouraging message.
I am sorry to hear about your mum passing. It must have been so hard for you, and doubly difficult dealing with refi as well.
But you have made it - and Independent Woman. Go girl!
I need to join you on the healthier eating, never smoked - that was X's vice - but pizza and icecream keep calling. I will get there, and I am sure you will to. Easy in comparision.
TL- I'm late to the congratulations-you're-officially-free-of-x-and-your-house-is-yours party! But congratulations!
The location for spreading your mom's ashes sounds absolutely lovely. I hope it's close enough that you can visit the waterfall in the woods often and reflect on your mom, your life with her, and your new life moving forward.
Warmly,
cczamo
On Friday I received an email from my ex asking if he was supposed to get paperwork showing that the refi was final. It is not in the divorce paperwork to provide proof but I emailed back that I would be happy to send him some documents when I receive them (I guess the payoff letter from the mortgage company or the warranty deed with only my name on it). Anyway I thought no big deal. Then he emailed back saying "I guess I gave you a house, figures" which I did not respond to. He didn't give me anything. We bought that house together, I have worked full time making a higher salary than him the entire 16 years we lived together. The down payment was my severence pay from a prior job and the other part of the down payment was a gift from my father. Yes he paid half the mortgage payment each month for close to 5 years but that hardly constitutes giving me a house. Then there is the fact that HE asked for the divorce, HE wrote the papers and he wrote them in such a way that he wanted out, he wanted out NOW and he didn't want any thing to do with me and asked for no equity. He took his clothes and cd's and laptop, and left almost everything else. Those were HIS choices - the MLC - so whatever, I didn't bother responding to that and he emailed me a few minutes later saying "no response? I deserve better than that" so I responded (yes I know I should not have, I KNOW he was baiting me!!) I stated "I'm sorry you feel that way, I did not write the divorce papers, I was only following the instructions I was given in them" (which was to refi the house within a year, I did it within 4 months, the original divorce papers said refi within 90 days by the way). He responded to that with a horrific tirade. He opened with "You Cxxt!" and that I could shove my apology up my azz, He called me a whore and some other bad things and went on about how I ruined his life. That I cost him everything. ???? I so wanted to remind him that I begged him to stay when he first bomb dropped, how I did everything I could do between then and the move out in February. I wanted to remind him how these were all his choices but I remember that there is no reasoning with someone in MLC. I wondered if maybe he was drinking. I ignored it. Then he emailed and texted me for hours. I didn't hear my phone going off, I was out with friends but I read them all after, he sent me about 6 more emails, mostly just subject lines that called me a thief - I guess he thinks I stole the house? I don't know what else he could mean about that. Calling me a whore, he sent probably 4 text messages and he called, I did not answer, never heard it ring - and he left no voicemail. When I got to work this morning he had left me an email on my work email that says "ever asked yourself "am i a thief?" I really don't know what game he's playing and I don't want to know. I am hoping he was just drunk and have not heard from him since around 8:30 Friday night. To be honest it scared me. I was thinking he might show up or take it further. I don't like feeling paranoid about it. I don't want to play victim here. Trying to remove myself from that victim triangle, I'm not responding at all but I did save them all in case the harassment continues. I don't understand why all the sudden it turned this way, the whole divorce was very fast and "friendly", he was coming over to visit the dogs every few weeks, otherwise no contact. I got the feeling he lost his job but I don't know that for sure and not trying to find out, none of my business. I do want him to leave me alone now- he's back to blaming me for everything, I just found it surprising, he wasn't like this for the last 6 months. I feel that if I were to reply it is just opening the door for more attacks. My brother suggested I change my number and email address. I shouldn't have to go through all that, and he will still know my work email, phone and where I live. He didn't threaten but I still felt threatened. I don't now, but that was my initial defensive feeling. He lives in a different town from me, about 30 minutes away. Part of me wants to understand why this is going on and the other part of me says just ignore it, let it go, forgive him, and I'm indifferent. One of his emails actually said "I hate you. You're a whore" I mean it sounds like a 7 year old having a tantrum to me. I hate you? I was hoping some of you could tell me if this has happened to you and how you handled it? I was going to just ignore it and when I get the papers from the refi I could email them to him and say something about this being the final paperwork,please don't contact me again but I think that would just instigate him to contact me again. I will send the paperwork regardless, I feel that's the right thing to do but I'm not giving him any money since it was not in the divorce paperwork. He left me with a 1200 dollar a month house payment to suddenly pay alone, and 4 cats and 2 dogs - if anyone got screwed it was me. The vet care and food, litter etc can be enormous. Now that I refi'd it is saving me money and I'm feeling independent and stronger than ever before. I'm rambling now, I just wondered if any of you had some advice, if it happens again if I should respond or ask him to please stop or let him know that I"m documenting everything? Right now i'm just letting it go and seeing what happens. He's obviously very angry and I didn't even do anything to prompt this but refi the house like he wanted. argh.
Hi, This stuff constitutes abuse and harassment and he has no right to do this. Nor should you be be caused to feel afraid or intimidated
I have the same issues, although my xh's language isn't as vulgar, thank goodness. I suspect it is guilt and remorse, but that doesn't make it acceptable.
I blocked my xh's emails and will not take his calls, or open mail from him. He lives too far away to be a physical threat.
However it is worth documenting it all, and maybe thinking about having your lawyer draft a letter advising him to stop any further attempts to contact you in this way . State laws vary I now, but really we do not have to tolerate this immature behaviour. If you are seriously worried about him showing up have the police numbers and your phone handy.
They know they have messed up big time, but do not have the life skills to put things right. And it is so useful to have someone else to blame.
Thanks beatrice, I appreciate it. I don't even have a lawyer, I went to one to read over my papers (free consultation) and I signed them on the spot. There was no reason not to because they were in my favor other than I didn't want a divorce. Was trying to avoid any unpleasantness or fighting and so I just signed after the lawyer said they were all good. I showed my brothers and my father all the texts and emails so at least others know about it, I will block his emails and number on my phone and hope he drops it - I don't particularly want to tell anyone at my office about it and if he calls or emails me there again i'll have to though, I don't know if he'll try and get me to lose my job or what. I think I'm just being paranoid but the mind wanders sometimes.
T,
I imagine that once the dust settles, the paranoia will lift and you will feel angry. Be careful not to respond with venom in his direction...no matter how much he may deserve it.
I think you handled it well. And, if it continues, you have the emails and family support necessary to file harassment.
What an A-hole.
Hi TL,
I'm so sorry that he has started this chit up. Must have been a bad weekend for MLCers as my W went on a tirade while she was here taking furniture that I was allowing her to have before we have even come to any agreement! I found out that she hasn't been moving forward with the D because she didn't want to spend any money with her lawyer and told me that once I let her have anything she wants, THEN we can finish the process! She actually thinks that I should be left with nothing to negotiate with to get what I want BEFORE we sit down to negotiate. While she was there she started to pack something that I said I would like to keep. She freaked out, ran into my bedroom and took my laptop screaming that I was horrible and that she had to leave because she had to sleep on the couch for 6 months and if i was so angry she left she can come back and I can sleep on the couch. No one asked her to sleep on the couch.
It was like watching a 47 year old have a temper tantrum like a 4 year old, in front of the kids and her best friend (who thinks she's crazy for leaving me)! She cares more about "stuff" then her kids, her dog, her marriage. Here I was helping her carry furniture that belonged to me until she decided to quit a 20 year marriage for no reason. When I have let her have almost anything she wanted. She could have just spoke to me in a normal way. Told me that this clock meant so much to her and if I would let her have it she would appreciate it or offered to give up something else. But that would mean she would have to be "nice", would have to actually give up something and MLCers don't like to hear that!
I think just what your exH has done is starting to sink in. He was feeling the need to run so badly that he just signed whatever he had to and now he see's that you can live just fine and he hates it. He is starting to see that you weren't the reason he was unhappy all along and now he has to live with the consequences of what he has done and instead of thinking he was wrong, he would rather find a NEW thing you're to blame for that is making him unhappy. What is it about these WAS's that make them always see us as the reason for every bad feeling they have? Heck, I have seen some that blame their ex's for the failure of the relationship with OP.
I think you're doing all you can at this point. You are doing great, don't let him get under your skin. He's a coward underneath it all if you think about it. If he wasn't he would have been brave enough to face his part in any problems in the M and at least tried to work things out. Just hold on and he'll crawl back under his rock soon enough.
thank you Lois - I will definitely not react with venom, I was able to just walk away and ignore it even though I wanted to say a few choice things, it wasn't worth the energy - I asked myself what would this accomplish - it would be sinking to his level and just opening the door to more and I felt better ignoring it and then it hasn't happened again for 2 days so i'm hoping he did crawl back away.
Matt I'm so sorry that you're currently experiencing this crap, it is such a relief when the legal stuff is done and over but there's always going to be that link plus you have children. I hope that things settle down for you soon. You definitely gain strength along this journey. When I look back I see that I was learning some valuable lessons, I did notice that when someone told me a story about so and so walking away from their niece/cousin, whomever when she got pregnant and they were wondering what to do - I'm thinking to myself - consider yourself lucky they walked away now and just protect yourself. Yes it hurts but at least you can see who they are now and not 10 years down the line when you're totally invested and taken by surprise even more. I'm a little bitter in some ways but I do still believe in love. Yeah I was given the same opinion by someone else that you said - about how it's sunk in that i'm ok without him and it is easier for him to blame me for whatever is wrong in his life now and that i'm not there to pick up the pieces like I always was. I feel pity for him, I know he's going through something awful and I wanted to be there for him but I cannot, he made that clear then and now, I no longer wish to be the rescuer, that's not healthy either. He definitely has not accepted any responsibility for anything that has gone wrong in his life, he never did, I just didn't see it until I was on the outside of it. I do hope he stops, it did get under my skin Friday night but I still had a good time with friends, however I don't like that I allowed it to bother me as much as it did. Still working on that. I hope that him venting on me like that provided him with an outlet - I still wish him the best, i'm certainly moving forward and onward without him. I don't need that drama in my life. Thanks for letting me vent here guys, it's hard to explain this behavior to others because they think you should react differently than you are but I know inside that I did the right thing by ignoring him. After I send him the bank letter that shows the original loan is paid in full I will block him from everything and pray for the best.
TL,
I'm sorry your ex h has gone bat$h!t. You handled things well and as you know, engaging will only give you a migraine.
You are doing fabulous! :-)
Hi TL,
I think it's a good sign that I, like you, are most bothered not by what our Ex's said or did but how we let it get to us! Today, I'm not upset at all by what she said or how she acted. I really expected some kind of acting out, I just wasn't sure what it would be. No, I'm upset that I let it get to me. That I lost total control on my emotions, let it get "under my skin"! I think that is progress for us both!
TL, what a development! I agree with Matt, it is probably starting to sink in for your x. I suspect that magic of him feeing happy after the D was final is not happening. Surprise, surprise… I’m amazed at how you handled the situation. I’m thinking this is not the end of it. I just hope that he will not become like Bea’s xh.
My H signed off the house to me last year. In his mind he was not happy here, he didn’t want it, he was trying to get rid of the burden. Part of it he was also trying to be nice and I guess felt guilty too. I wander if he is also mad at me sometimes for doing this. I just have no ways to know. I don’t think he would initiate anything like your x did via e-mails or texts. He is just “too nice” in his own eyes.
TL,
I'm new here...but wow. Your H and my H, so similar in their behavior.... Never their fault. Can't be.
I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this. You seem to have made great strides in such a short time. The speed in which this all happened to you....It's baffling.
They are so he//bent on removing whatever they perceive as a threat to their warped version of true happiness.
I have no wise words, just a virtual hug (((((TL))))).
Oh my BF,
My W has said over and again that she wasn't "happy here". Even said to our D14 when she told her she was leaving that she was doing it because "It's not happy here"! With our D19, she said "You must have felt the unhappiness at home, right?". The MLCer just can't seem to understand that the unhappiness lies within them, no where else! They search and search until there is nothing or no one else left to blame. Then take another couple years to come to terms with the fact that they are the problem. I guess whether there's anyone left from their past that give's a rat butt is how much damage they've done on the way.
The MLCer just can't seem to understand that the unhappiness lies within them, no where else! They search and search until there is nothing or no one else left to blame. Then take another couple years to come to terms with the fact that they are the problem.
This reminds me of an old saying... Something along these lines:
"You can take out the trash bag and put it on the curb. But if you don't clean out the bottom of the can, even if you put in a new bag, it's still gonna stink."
MLCers seem to keep getting new bags.
you guys are great, thanks for all your responses, helps to vent it out and know that others are going through something similar. Georgiabelle, thanks for the encouragement - I always wonder to myself if i'm handling it right when something happens and I just go with my gut - trying to make those changes still and the old me would have exploded. definitely not worth a migraine
.
Matt I do think we're making progress - Brightfuture - yes that is exactly what he said 6 months ago - he wasn't happy here and had to get out and away from ME to be happy. Didn't want the burden or responsibility and I think felt guilty too- he would never have eye contact with me. My how things change. Just glad I don't have to see him face to face. He wanted to keep things friendly he said. I guess this is his idea of friendly. Matt you are so right - happiness is found within, he's looking in all the wrong places.That's his journey though. Shining, nice to meet you, so sorry you are here. I'll go read up on your sitch. I love that trash bag analogy - so true. Reminds me I should buy a whole new trash can. Thanks for the hug!!
Wow! TL, I've been away from these boards too long!
It seems like your relatively detached ex H has indeed freaked out in a MAJOR way! I also would have bet $$ that he had been drinking, but his tirade continued to another day? WOW!
You were blessed to have had the opportunity to sign HIS divorce papers quickly and benefit financially (long term, I believe you'll benefit, but I know it's a financial strain now) from getting the house. You were wise enough to do so. I suspect that you are correct about him being laid off or fired from his job. Yep I bet he started thinking (and drinking), and just got angrier by the moment as to how he brought all this onto himself. But as you and everyone has said, he sees it is your fault! ?
He probably still has no clue about your mom passing either.
I recommend that you not only tell your family about his potentially threatening emails and texts, but FORWARD them if you can so they're proof on another computer. It seems as if you're okay at least as of 7/29. I'll look for your other comments since then, if there are any. Otherwise, I wish you'd check in so we know you're okay.
Stay safe, Tina. (((hugs to you TL)))
Again, I'm blown away! Wow! (I know I keep writing that, but words escape me.) And we thought you'd had the model divorce! I'll keep you in my prayers.
You still are the role model of grace, dignity and integrity in all this process, though. Keep saying that mantra!
cczamo
...i'll post my update on my Funeral For a friend page
Hey TL, sorry for disappearing on ya. I've hit a little bit of a rough patch since H returned from his 5 week vacation in Spain (it's on my thread), but NOTHING like what you've been going through.
Whoa, he's really acting out - you're smart not to try and 'fix' it for him. He put himself in this situation, now he can get himself out. And just like the others who have posted here, keep that computer/paper trail. Personally, I think he's drinking before he does what he's been doing, a little drunken roaring, so I don't think he'll do anything physically to you or the house. On the other hand don't let your guard down.
Like cczamo said, keep posting often so we know you are ok - just little posts like, "All's good!" or "I'm okay." Don't be like me and disappear for two or three weeks. You'll have us all in an uproar!
Hope everything else in your life is going well. ((()))
thanks guys - I haven't been on the computer too much but all is ok. I haven't heard from him since then. Most of my paranoia has subsided but I do find myself taking 2nd glances when I see a truck like his. I think he's probably vented and hopefully that was enough to settle him down. My current concern is that I did not receive the letter from the bank showing that the house was paid off. I was told it would be sent within 10 days with an escrow refund check. My thought is that they sent it, it's in both our names most likely since the original mortgage was in both our names that would make sense - then USPS probably forwarded it to him since his name was first on the mortgage. If he got it he most likely deposited it without me signing it. I know I know I'm making things up in my head that I don't know to be true. My other thoughts on this is that if it shuts him up he can have the refund. It's about 1500 so it's not worth fighting over although I really feel the right thing to do is to split it 50/50. I have a call into the bank to see if they did actually get it out and to see if it was processed yet. Part of me thinks it's the principle of the thing - if he forged my name on the check or deposited it without letting me know he got it after that huge tantrum a week or so ago. The angry part of me says he doesn't deserve anything, I paid that money into the escrow account and he shouldn't have treated me that way, but the forgiving side of me says just let him have the whole thing and hope he leaves me alone going forward. Mostly right now I just want to know if that is what happened to it or if they just hadn't gotten it out yet for whatever reason. I'll let this go soon enough, just overthinking it as usual. What truly matters to me is leaving the past in the past and creating this sanctuary for myself and moving forward. I hope after a year or so (they say it takes a month for every year you were married to recover fully) that I am able to go through whole days without thinking of it. Inner peace - I know it's out there and I feel I'm so close to grabbing it
TL, I'd be careful about doing anything else to upset exH. I know $1500 is alot of $$ but could exH be pushed to be even angrier than he was a few weeks back?
Would the only thing you could do about him forging your name be to press charges with Attorney General of state? Maybe personally sue in small claims court?
TL, I noticed that your signature shows that you "dropped the rope on 5/5/14" .
What was the event, or realization that you made on that day to decide to "drop the rope?"
I still have not officially decided that if JERK exH were to realize his MLC mistake that I would or would not accept him back (with MAJOR conditions).
cc - I was detached, but still had the door ajar. I would have taken him back (like you said, with conditions) up until that point when I met someone. I had dated a couple others before that but there was no connection, I was just trying to make friends and GAL, not looking for a new love. I know it sounds cheezy but this man I met, it wasn't love at first sight, but there were so many "clicks" telling me "hey don't let this one slip away". That was when I shut the door, dropped the rope, my heart finally told me I deserved better and that I would not be able to wait years for the ex to "maybe" come to his senses, no guarantees so why waste any more time on emotionally investing in a dead relationship. That wasn't healthy for me. The test was when he came over to visit the dogs the last time (in early June I think) and I felt nothing for him. Indifference. The opposite of love. It was awkward and like I didn't even know him anymore. Zero attraction. I was "done" and everything inside me told me so. When you are ready to drop the rope, you'll know. I wrote that date in there when I was trying to think of when it happened and that was what I came to, finally feeling like I was completely whole on my own and no longer co-dependent on the ex. I just noticed (probably noticed it before but forgot) that your BD was the day before mine. I think you and I are pretty close in our journeys and you sound stronger all the time.
spoke with mortgage company yesterday and they sent the check out Monday, so it should be here probably today or tomorrow. I am praying on it - I know that money is mine for the taxes and insurance but definitely not worth stressing or fighting about and if I ask him to sign it for me he'll blow up, I'm certain of it. So I may just sign it and mail it to him and ask to not be contacted again. I'm still rolling this around in my mind. What irks me is that i'm thinking about it and I don't want to - thoughts of the ex are not welcome anymore so this might be the best way to end thinking about him, just get it over with.
That gesture (endorsing escrow refund check to exH) would be a very generous one for you to make, and just might tick him off that you're taking such a high road, while he's been a jerk. I totally understand the inner conflict you're having, though.
Are you still dating "so many clicks" guy? How is that going, if you are?
I still haven't received the check so my mind is still wondering if the darn USPS forwarded it to him after all. Trying to be patient.
Gosh you're right cc - anything could tick him off at this point so I just have to hope for the best. I wish they had just transferred the funds over to the new loan. Oh well, it is what it is. Yes - I'm still dating him, his nickname is Chance... how apropos for me. He's my age, good childhood - I met his parents who are still married and they have a very lovely family, I'm hoping this means no future MLC
I know it's pretty early to think of such things but after going through this once I never want to go through it again. So far so good, he treats me wonderfully, he's all about communicating which is new for me, and romantic - we have discussed the ex's (both mine and his) and we're just really enjoying each others company. I'm totally smitten. I've now got him hooked on watching Game of Thrones too, bonus! The animals really like him also which is a good sign for me. The cat brought up a "gift" last night and left it in the kitchen - mouse - it was nice to have someone there who would dispose of it for me! I know I can do all those things myself, but it was nice not to have to. Still being independent and my own person, but definitely enjoying this.
TL, I'm so happy for your new "Chance!" The world seems a little rosier when there's that smitten feeling in your heart!
I've had those "gifts" from my Jack Russells since exH left, too. I've had to buck up and get them in trash on my own. Gross!
No such love luck on my end, just yet, but its in Gods hands, and if it's to be, it will be.
Hi TL!
Glad to hear about your "Chance"! You deserve someone caring and understanding in your life. My parents are going on 55 years married and I feel so odd for my family now as no one gets D. When I see my W now I still see the old her. It's only when she doesn't get exactly what she wants that the new, selfish, awful person comes out and I see that I could never make a life with her that would allow me to be me. I can't see how she will ever find someone of value the way she is now. I see her actually fighting to not stop the path she is on! She seems to think that being "strong" means being selfish and destroying her M! He best friend spoke to me when she was helping pack stuff with my W. Every time my W left the room she would just go on and on about how I'm a great person, my W is crazy for doing what she is, that I need to go out and find someone as I deserve to be happy. She even added that she hates most men but really likes me.
You deserve a good man in your life (you sure don't "need" one but it's nice to have). One who appreciates you for you! Your ex is going to wake up one day and realize just how much he has lost. Maybe this is already starting to happen and is why is has become so hostile? You are an inspiration TL. Keep going and I hope you find the good that you deserve in your life!
P.S. Can't wait for next season of Game of Thrones!!!
thank you CC and Matt -
I wondered about the recent hostility as well - haven't heard from him in over 2 weeks. I emailed him yesterday regarding the escrow refund check because the bank said they mailed it monday the 4th, then i got a letter from them saying that they are using the ex's mailing address now so that meant the check would go to him and not me. I called the bank and they said they show the address as the same as mine even though I got a letter from them saying otherwise. frustrating. just want this last bit done and over. the ex never responded to my email so I need to just let it go. if he gets it, he can either contact me or keep it, i'm not going to invest my emotions in this any longer. easier said than done, but it was more the principle than the financial aspect. I don't need the money, I mean it's mine, and yes I could always use it obviously but it's not a dire need so would be less drama if I just let him take it. It is obviously bothering me though, why can't I just drop it. Praying on it. Don't want to be sucked back in, especially when i'm the one that contacted him about it which means I opened myself up to it. I was very cordial in my email and asked if he'd like to split it 50/50. On the dating front - my "Chance" has been a dream come true. supportive, encouraging, giving, gracious, communicative, just all the traits I like and it has been a nice change. Hard to get used to when you've adapted to a different style for so many years. It feels good knowing that I don't "need" someone because i've been handling all the things on my own for the last 6 months - more really since the ex was pretty much out of town all the time and then when he was here the last year I was still handling everything. It's weird to have someone want to do things for you - it's a little weird to remember to say "ok" and let them do for you when you're used to being the giver but it's so nice. Trying to enjoy the present and put the past behind me. Just journaling now, rambling on, I can't believe it's August already and before you know it the holidays will be upon us again. I'm actually looking forward to it, never thought i'd say that again, but I'm still making progress in this journey. Finding there is much happiness to be had in spite of everything.
Feeling some initial anger today - the bank contacted me that the escrow refund check was cashed - the ex cashed it with only his signature on it when both our names our on it. I was awarded the house in the divorce and told to refi within one year. I did the refi within a few months and the check was forwarded to his address and he cashed it without even discussing it. That made me angry. I contacted the bank because they told me just a few days ago that the address it was sent to was mine and that no other address was on file but I see a copy of the cleared check and it has his address on it. She called me and told me that it is fraud for him to cash it with only one signature and Capital One (his bank) should never have cleared it. She's sending me paperwork to sign and that allows them to retrieve the funds. I had emailed him Monday and informed him that the check may be forwarded to him and would he like to split it 50/50. He never responded. Technically it's all mine because I took on the house and it's for taxes and insurance, I made the mortgage payments each month and it came from those funds. Part of me - the part that has resentment- says sign the paper and cause him trouble because what he did was wrong. Mostly though, (I'm still thinking on it, this just happened and I can't make a decision like that quickly) I believe that I will just let him keep the money and consider it done and over with.
It's almost 1400.00 and I think he needs it more than I do. I have considered emailing him and letting him know that the bank informed me and that it is fraud but that he can keep it and I wish him the best. I sort of want him to know that I know (which is obvious I suppose that I know) I don't want to have further confrontation, but I also don't want him thinking "haha I pulled one over on her" and just roll over and be submissive ya know? I suppose the most graceful response would be to just let it go, it is what it is, and his opinion of me no longer matters. Me knowing that I did the right thing is enough. For my own mental health I need to just forgive, move forward and just completely let this go. It's easier said than done, I have some fighter in me and part of me really wants to just rub it in that I could have charges brought up. That's just vindictive though and bitter and I don't want to be that woman. Just journaling, helps me to get this out of my mind. I guess I have my answer just by reading this that the right thing to do is just let it go and say nothing. Giving it to God.
TL, I DO understand why this escrow check cashing situation would fester with you. If you DID sign fraud paperwork, would you have second thoughts about it down the road? Would there even be any chance of recovery from him? Whatever you do will all work out in the end. If you choose to just let it go, you could think of the $1400 as a cheap buyout of his equity in the house. Indirectly, sort of. God will use this experience for good in your life. I'm willing to bet that your ex knows that you know, and if he ever says anything to you, i'd just say something like you intimated already, something like "i let it go since I thought you really needed the money."
I feel for you in this TL. (hug to you)
cc
Thanks CC - yeah I was thinking along the same lines, a cheap buy out - I told the bank this morning that I was not going to fill out the paperwork, it is easier to just let it go and not deal with him anymore, this would only prolong it and yesterday I just felt "done" with the drama and stress of it. Letting it go.
It is a relief to know that the check delivered and cleared and I can stop wondering about the whole thing. It's closure. Moving forward, not looking back. Thanks for responding, it just helps me to vent this stuff in my head here with people I know understand. Have a great weekend!!
TL, just checking in on you. Its my hope that you're off enjoying your holiday, perhaps with Chance.
Let us know how you're doing.
cc
Hey CC, hope you're doing well.
I had a surprising twist, after the ex cashed the escrow check on his own and I let it go, a couple weeks later he sent me a check for half. No note, but I was just pleased to get half of it and now feel it is over. Things are going well, I feel happy and a large weight was lifted from my shoulders. I think of it less and less and am looking forward to Fall and the holidays now. Feels like a new life and I like it. The relationship with Chance is going well, he does treat me very well and we get along great. Trying to live in the present and enjoy every moment. I'll go over and check your thread and see what you've been up to
Hey, great to hear from you TL!
I've missed you on the boards. You are always an inspiration and reading your posts have always helped me when things were getting "crazy"! You tell Mr. Chance that he had better be good to you, TL. If he ever messes with you he will have many very angry LBS's over here who care about you ready to knock him down a peg!
Keep in touch and let us know how things are going. You may not have "saved" your M but you are definitely a huge success story that gives all of us hope that we will make it through the storm!
Thanks Matt
that's such a nice thing to say! Things are going well and I'm happier than I've been for a very long time in retrospect. I still come by here just not as often and I read stories but haven't really commented because I'm sort of biased now and feel like coming here is dwelling in the past. Especially since it's a DB site and I'm divorced now. On the other hand, when I first came here it was so incredibly helpful just knowing I wasn't alone, so I will continue to visit and check in. I remember when the BD happened so well and it felt like I was the only person in the entire universe that this was happening to, I hate to revisit that place, so dark. Now I look back on the last 8 months and see my own journey and how I picked myself up and have learned so much. Still loads to learn, always will be. Anyone have any good book recommendations on communication? I had learned from my IC to use "I feel" statements and not place blame or make "you do this" type of stuff, trying to not repeat past mistakes and the ex and I definitely had terrible communication. I find myself acknowledging my error more when I react badly instead of responding calmly - - and I am trying to self correct, it's a slow thing to change your communication style and I'd like to read more about it
oh one more thing I forgot to mention - there was a Discover card account that I thought was closed years and years ago - turns out it wasn't closed and I went to see my credit karma account and it showed that the card had been reactivated and being used again. I had a panic moment, he charged 3500.00 in less than a month on it. I called them immediately and said remove me from that and the agent told me that luckily I was only an "authorized user" on the account and only HE was accountable for the charges, being the owner of the account. I am no longer an authorized user and it would no longer show up on my credit report as my debt. sheesh - I don't know how that one snuck by me, I would have thought after probably 5 years of not using that account and it was at zero balance that it was closed, we didn't even own the card anymore but he must have remembered it and called them up and got a new one sent out. Not my business anymore but just goes to show you have to be really careful in your splitting of the accounts and they tend to spend like crazy.
TL,
Glad you are doing so well. Love Credit Karma too!
Just checking in, a bit of journaling.
The ex called me Saturday out of the blue (touch and go maybe?)
He is on testosterone injections and has to go donate blood every month because his red blood cell count is too high. I took him to his first appointment back in January I think it was before he moved out. Anyway long story short he said that his last 2 blood donations came back as a possible positive for Hepatitis B. They screen all donations at the blood bank and then mail a letter out. He thought I should go get tested because he has not been with anyone else but me since 1996. There was no monstering and it was a civil conversation (considering the last time I heard from him he was texting me and emailing me horrible things and calling me names and blaming me for everything wrong in his life). Well I have not been with the man sexually since February and he screened negative at least 5 times since he moved out, so chances of me having it are sort of low I would think. That was 7 months ago. From what i've read on it, if you have Hep B you either get really sick or you don't have symptoms (neither of us have any of the symptoms) and it can clear out of your system completely in 6 months in most cases. Well I've not been with him in 7 so i'm not too concerned about it. He was going to the doctor to get a real test because the donation place was just one of those screening tests and doesn't necessarily mean anything, could be a false positive. I'm not sure if he called just to talk about it or if he genuinely thought I could have it or what. Not reading too much into it, just said ok i'll get tested and left it at that. I really thought I had heard from him for the last time. I can only assume he will holler at me again with his results (maybe) I don't know and I really don't care. A friend of mine told me they saw him in a local facebook group posting pics of his meet up with a bunch of 20-30 year olds at a restaurant. He's 56. I of course thought about it for a moment and just thought it was script to be doing that - but that's his life, none of my business and I don't really care to know what he's doing, that's why I blocked him on facebook a few months ago and I don't go on there much anyway. Honestly I don't know why I answered the phone when he called in the first place, usually I do not. I'm ready to let the past stay in the past and just know that I learned from it and move on. I'm toying with the idea of changing my last name too, I just want zero connection with the man.
Hey TL
Please do go get tested just to be sure.
Otherwise, you are sounding very good my friend!
Great to hear from you TL! You're one of my idols! Sounds to me like your H let the testosterone go to his head! You're so much better now. Keep living large, TL!
Yeah I will get tested to clear my mind of it. Thanks CW and Matt
good to hear from you guys.
Here's a good description of boundaries - i had a hard time with this in the beginning, understanding what they were and how to implement them so this may help someone.
Boundaries are the invisible lines that we create in relationships that both keep us happy and prevent us from being taken advantage of by the other person. They are rules for behaviors that we deem acceptable, and ones we don’t.
By reinforcing our own boundaries and not crossing other people’s, we are able to have happier and more conflict-free relationships. Reinforcing our boundaries also serves to keep us from feeling resentful toward our partner and other people in our lives who occasionally do things we don’t like.
When our boundaries are violated by others, we may feel uncomfortable, angry, disrespected and generally unsatisfied with the relationship. If we have poorly defined boundaries of our own, we are likely to make other people feel these emotions through our actions. Additionally, poor boundaries demonstrate to other people that we have low self respect.
Poor boundaries usually come in two varieties. Either the person with poor boundaries gets walked all over, like a doormat in a bus station, or they walk all over the people in their lives, treating others in ways they won’t tolerate long term.
People with high self respect don’t usually fall into either category, since problems with either taking too much or too little responsibility for one’s own behavior are often symptoms of low self esteem.
The middle ground, speaking up for yourself when someone crosses the line, while maintaining appropriate control over your own behaviors shows a high level of self respect.
Healthy boundaries involve managing and taking responsibility your own thoughts, feelings and actions while respecting the separate thoughts, feelings and actions of others.
Imagine yourself in these two situations, making the statements below.
Healthy boundary statements:
“I really want to help, but unfortunately, today I won’t be able to pick up your dry cleaning, since I’m just too busy today.”
“Since you cheated on me, we must get a divorce.”
Unhealthy boundary statements:
“Um.. I GUESS I’ll pick up your dry cleaning, but I’m so busy.”
“I’m really hurt, but I must have been a bad partner since you cheated on me. How did I fail you?”
How do you feel when you think about these sets of statements?
In the dry cleaning example:
The healthy boundary statement honors the fact that you are simply too busy to pick up your partner’s dry cleaning but still points out that you want to help your partner as a whole.
In the unhealthy boundary statement, promising to pick up the dry cleaning even though you are too busy can lead to serious resentment over time. The nonverbal cues behind the statement show your reluctance to complete the task, even though your words say that you’ll do it. With unhealthy boundaries, you are likely to go away from this situation angry that you took on more responsibility than you could handle, and potentially resent your partner for requesting it.
In the cheating example:
The healthy boundary statement clearly explains the reason that you are leaving the relationship. The other person cheated on you and saying you are leaving the relationship as a result shares the consequences.
The second statement places the blame on yourself for your partner’s actions— their infidelity. In the unhealthy example you are taking personal responsibility for the cheating even though your partner was the one who went outside of your relationship.
5 Things You Can Do Right Now To Strengthen Your Boundaries:
1. Detach Yourself From Other People’s Problems
2. Refuse to take responsibility (either inwardly or outwardly) for other people’s problems.
3. Take responsibility for your own problems and find solutions for them.
4. If you’re unhappy in your relationships, speak up. Aim to work out problems with your partner while taking responsibility for your part in the problem; no more, no less.
5. Don’t allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into feeling bad for things that weren’t your fault. When someone dishes out a guilt-trip, call them out on it.
written by Elizabeth Stone
"Mending Fences: How to Have Stronger Boundaries"
This is awesome TL. Understanding and setting boundaries has been very hard for me also. Thanks for posting!