Question for experience MLCer-
Is there someone's post that I can read that is similar to mine:
1. MLCer still in home
2. has OW with EA and PA - very strong relationship
3. Seperate rooms, H will not touch me at all
4. Can make small talk only, H is detached from me
5. H not liking my GAL lately
6. H says he will divorce me soon - his legal issues he needs to deal with first
Do you know someone similar that I can read their thread. I read Raine's but her is slightly different, as husband is not detached in heavy into R?
THANKS
Don't know why but I am having a bad day. I went 3 whole days without crying and then lost it today....UGH! I had some people stop buy from church unexpectedly and I started to cry.
H has stayed home last 2 nights, but I doubt he will today. He still is not admitting friend is EA and PA. Yet another change today - he is now drinking a drink that he has never liked. Still can do small talk, but that is it. No physical contact - I don't ask as I don't want to hear no. I have been detaching for his new life with OW and new friends while he has been detaching from me too. Not sure what to do - ideas?
I have been working on GAL and have pissed him off because we were gone when he usually calls. He is mad because I am on my phone all the time - forgets that he is texting OW constantly. Funny thing is that I am usually blogging on one of two sites. He has accused me of affair.
I feel like my life is an hour glass as far as divorce. He said when his situation was over, he is getting a divorce, and I believe him. My family is trying to convince me to file, but I am not ready - don't know why.
Any words of wisdom or encouragement or good joke or good song are greatly appreciated? Thanks for all the support and being my sounding board.
Yes scooby. I've been off for a little bit.
Go to mine (whytry)
And
BumbleB
Scooby,
At one point in time of another, my sitch had #'s 1-5. My h never mentioned divorce or separation, but did mention leaving a few times after bomb. He never did. He slept on our couch for about a year and a half.
My h would not admit to affair either. They usually don't, even when presented with evidence, while they are in crisis. The old "we're just good friends" line is total script.
I know it's hard, but try not to put too much stock into what he says. He says he is going to get a divorce - maybe he will, but maybe he won't. I find it interesting he keeps saying it to you over and over, almost like a child wanting a reaction from mommy. How do you usually react?
While you may not be ready to file or want to file, I highly suggest consulting a lawyer. Many give free consults. Find out what your rights are, write down questions you have, get answers. Do this for you and your kids.
They can get very paranoid while in the thick of things, plus quite angry. Detach from all of it, it is not you.
Keep GALing, not to p!ss him off, but because having a life outside of him is important. Keep on living and enjoying life with your children, family, and friends.
Keep posting
Whytry-
Thanks I will check out yours
Take-
Initially when he said he wanted a divorce I pleaded, cried and begged (prior to finding this site.) The last time I said whatever it is just a piece of paper. He spouted back the marriage license is just a piece of paper - I said ha if that is all it is then why does he feel like he needs the divorce.
I have consulted a few lawyers, but as time goes on I get more questions and then consult another lawyer. A friend mentioned when this is all done I could sue H OW for the affair. ha ha! Wouldn't that be funny. She does not have any money, and is far in debt - H thinks she has lots of $ - want an idiot. I found out all by looking at public records.
I think I am upset because I felt like I was in control the last few days and he was scrambling. But now I feel like he is in control again, and I am scrambling. GRRRRR!!!!
Hey Scooby-
Calm down and take one day at a time. Your posts sound like your mind is in overdrive. I remember those days. As the sitch continues, you will think less about it and your H and slowly start to take care of you. I wish I could have done that sooner, but I think it's all part of the process.
You've mentioned your attitude towards your H in recent posts. I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel like being nice and pleasant is excusing his bad choices and behavior, but I've gotten past that now. I know I am healthier than him and I try to forgive him each day. I know that by holding onto anger it is hurting me and my marriage and not bringing us back together. If you really want to stand for your M, then you need to be very strong and swing that focus back to you. You can come here and vent like you have been, but then need to find that PMA. It's tough and you'll have bad days, but I promise just faking a PMA will even make you feel better.
Your H is only thinking of himself. He is very confused right now. Don't worry about his threat of D. I've read many stories on here that have spouses that threaten D and never file. It sounds like you've prepared yourself legally in case he does. Until then, please take care of you and your kiddo's. He is missing out and he knows that. Be the best you. I honestly wish I would have taken that same advice much sooner, but glad to finally be there now. Let your H spin in MLC land.
Thanks everyone. It is so hard BC I know he is detached. How foes it work if we both are detaching? So far the kids don't know. I am glad our work schedules are different. I dread days off that are the same.
I just don't know how to put the smile on and talk to him. I just come across pissed. I am nit interested in his lies. I feel like when we are gone in mornings he is with ow shopping and screwing her in our house...ugh. So hard to ignore his nonsense and gal. Now he accuses me of an affair..ugh
PMA = Positive Mental Attitude.
Scooby,
I know this sounds difficult, but this approach may help a little bit. Treat your h cordially as a distant business associate. You are pleasant, however you don't push anything.
Keep focusing on detaching and you will soon find that you don't wonder what he thinks or why he acts that way or what he is thinking. The operate on sheer emotion so trying to figure out what is going on in their head is like trying to figure out how to solve PI. Don't bother!
Like BG said, you aren't excusing bad behavior. You can't control that part-only how you live and behave. Keep the focus on you and the kids and you feel positive momentum.
Georgia.
Thanks for the advice. It is hard to detach and still be nice. After he monstered today I was a little fiesty ( not in my nature) back to him. I shocked myself as I do not normally get that way. Not what is recommended, but he did stop. The other thing is he is detached from me. How does it work if we both detach at same time?
Scooby,
Your h may be detached and he is also literally in his own world. It's all about him right now so what you do or say won't change anything. That's why detaching and being pleasant (I'm not sure "nice" is the right term) will help you. Your h is going along and will be this way for a while. You can't change that. However, you can change how you react.
I saw my h one night last week and it wasn't a DB success. I had done really and unfortunately let a few zingers fly. I shouldn't have, and it doesn't change one thing. That's why you focus on you. Make yourself happy so you can be happy without h and perhaps with him down the road. Just leave him be.
Georgia
Thanks so much for the advice. If I look back at beginning I have gotten better. I used to beg for him to stay and cry a ton. I did get more attention from him, but ow was going back to boyfriend and was only ea at that point. I am better at going and doing things with kids!! Which I really enjoy. I am not sure where we will end up, but I have learned a lot so far. Who knows maybe I will get that strong personality I have never had..lol
Scooby,
The MLCer begins detachment a long time before the bomb drop, u.e., usually it begins in a very subtle way 18-24 months prior to the bomb drop.
We, on the other hand, have just learned of the "I want a divorce" or "I need to find myself", etc. comments, and that's why we are so emotional and shocked because it's all new to us. As we travel the Yellow Brick Road, you'll begin to reflect back on things and will actually start to see some of the things that were changing, but it wont' happen until you are far more stronger and have begun your own journey.
MLC is not for the faint of heart. You have to toughen your skin because there are going to be many days when your spouse acts out and says things that you wouldn't have ever thought he would say and do. Now, he's the mirror image of the "good" self. He'll be the opposite of the person you once knew. Learn to accept him for who he is today and do not "expect" him to be the man that he once was.
Keep the focus as much as possible on you. Find your footing and begin your journey of self discovery.
Job
Thanks do much. I really appreciate it. So does the countdown begin at bd or before? I have been trying to detach and gal. I am not there, but better. I have not been able to set boundaries, as he mows over. There really are no consequences to set. We still live in same home and he is one that wants divorce. He had always been dominant and stubborn. He always talked of temper, which I only saw towards others...now I am only one that sees it. Everyone else he is nice to. They however are starting to see the craziness.
I still can't stop feeling bad. Why didn't I see it coming? maybe I could have stopped it from getting so far. Feel bad for everything he perceives I did wrong.
Ugh!;; this is hard. But I know I am not done. I don't quit. It is in sickness and health and right now he is sick.
Scooby,
I was asked to check your sitch...
STOP right now.
There is NOTHING you could have done to stop this from getting this far. And there was really no way you could have seen this coming.
Your job from this point forward is to get yourself stronger, in a better mindset.
It is the only way you are gonna get through this.
MLC is a long tough road.
We used to say around here, get off the rollercoaster and watch from the side.
Its time to give up your seat and see how it feels.
Hiya Scooby!
I still can't stop feeling bad. Why didn't I see it coming? maybe I could have stopped it from getting so far. Feel bad for everything he perceives I did wrong.
Honey, you cannot stop a freight train that is bearing down right at ya! Do you want to stand in it's path & get run over or get the HELL outta the way? That freight train is the MLCer. There's absolutely nothing you could have done to "stop it" in any shape, manner or way. Just let the train run its course and meander its way around.
Hi scooby,
I'm no expert but I can tell you this, NOTHING you could have done or not done would have stopped your H's MLC! How do I know this? It's been 10 almost 11 months since B-day for me. At the start my W had a list of all the things about me that made me such a "bad" husband. Most were only in her head (she accused me of things that I never even thought of doing!)but some were things I could "fix". As I changed these things about myself all that happened was she would come up with NEW things (got so bad at one point she told me she hated the way I chew my food so has to divorce me!)or I heard the old "I shouldn't have had to tell you I wanted a divorce for you to change", even though I had no idea she was upset about any of these things!
Believe me it took me 6 months before I understood that none of this is about me! They don't like WHO THEY ARE!They are in pain and lashing out at the person who they see as in their way of their happiness...you. Also, try not to figure out "where" they are in their stages. I also did this for a long time (still do sometimes) and it's impossible. Just when you think they are coming out of, say, "replay", something will happen and you see they are nowhere near out of it yet!
At one point last Dec. my W actually wanted to be intimate with me! Out of the blue but welcome. A week later she is de-inviting me to her company X-Mass parties, wearing her sexyist clothes and coming back with stories about how she was dancing the night away with OM!Not even close to being finished with replay!Not only weren't things any better, they were worse!
Looking back I can see that her MLC started years before B-Day. The pulling away from and the kids, the going out with all her new "friends". They say B-Day comes about 1/2 way through so at best I have years before the end.You, like me,need to stop and try to stop spinning. While there is nothing we can do to make this go faster, we sure as heck can slow things down (another thing I learned the hard way!).
Hang in there scooby. You will get through this and will be better for it. I know that's hard to see now but things will get better, no matter what happens!
Cat(love the name)
Thanks for responding. I am curious why you were asked to read my thread. Are our stories similar? I guess I question things BC I still am not sure if it is mlc, he is transforming self to ow(he has done that before), bipolar, or just cheating. If it is not mlc then I feel I am doing the wrong thing. So confused. Grrrr. I have been able to detach and gal some. He gets monster when I gal.
Is there a book that describes in mlc in depth? I have read info on site several times and db and Dr several times. But would like more reading, as it keeps my mind busy.
Wonka
Thanks so much. I just don't get how he can be so nice to everyone but me. He says he does not hate me. He loves me but not in love, and he will never feel that again. That I am nice and great mom- makes this difficult. That he had tried for a decade and he is done trying. He us putting up his wall. He says he is done and wants a divorce. He us waiting til his situation is resolved and then he will divorce me. I think he will too. I think this will be my biggest challenge of my life...ugh
Scooby,
You will reach a point where the feelings calm down a bit and you will see his problems more clearly. The hurt gets in the way of us seeing them as they truly are right now. Your friends and family probably see it better than you do right now. The shellshock sorta keeps us in a bit of a fog too.
At some point, you will have a moment where you go, "WTF??? What in the HE!! is wrong with this guy!!"
You may already have some moments of clarity like that. When you love someone and have so much invested in a future with them, it's really hard to see the insanity for what it is. If you were standing on the outside, imagine what you would say to a girlfriend.
It helped me, in the beginning, to stick to the facts. Write the facts down if you need to.
1. He is having an affair.
2. He having numerous, venomous meltdowns.
3. He is lying, alot.
4. He is not taking responsibility for his problems and the part he played in the marital problems.
These alone, say this man is not wrapped too tight right now. Healthy, sane, clear-thinking people do not act this way.
Write down the crazy things he does. The crazier, the better...it may help to see in writing how off he really is and validate that YOU are not the crazy one here.
Protect your heart right now. You can't trust him to protect it. Imagine yourself with a big ol' bullseye on your back. That's how he sees you.
Much love,
Heather
Scooby,
I was a world champion edge-of-the-bed hogger! Held on to my mobile real tight afraid that the Swamp Thing will come and grab it. We want you guys to get the f*ck out of our faces. That is the MLC loony bin for you!
Try not to take this personally...I know, I know...easier said than done.
What "situation" are you talking about in regard to H?
Lois B-
He definately is doing the crazy things. But he is so nice to everyone but me. People only see that he has changed a bunch. Here is the list and remember he was conservative to begin with - swearing would have been a huge no no prior to this.
1. swearing
2. drinking
3. EA and PA (does not admit it)
4. tattoos
5. Lying 90% of time and believes his lies
6. Blaming me for everything
7. wants a divorce
8. Going out most nights until wee hours
9. Does not want intimacy from me or even hugs or kisses
10. ILYBINILWY
11. Brand new clothes - even underwear
12. different hair style
13. working out
14. Only mean to me
15. Playing the victim - even with work
16. never leaving cell phone alone
17. His idea to be in seperate bedroom
18. can go nice to mean on me in second (some professionals think he is bipolar - but H quit IC)
19. spending lots money
20. Never wrong - even at work
21. porn
22. removed wedding ring right away
There is probably more. I guess when you are conservative to begin with - you get a longer list. I am not sure what is left for him to do. He is very far into OW. The month that she was gone, he started coming back to me (not a MLC behavior.)
I do have some good moments, but this is the hardest thing I have been thru. People that have been through it are the only ones that understand why I am standing.
UGH!
The situation is that there is something going on at work and he may be fired. I don't know the details, as he is keeping them from me. He says when it is over I won't be mad at him but will be mad at others. He has gotten some big guns to save his job. The OW works with him and it is a total violation of policy for him to be with her - that explains they are just BFFs (whatever.) Does he honestly think that he is going to divorce me after this and shack up with her and no one will be suspicious? DUMB A!!!! He drives me crazy.
And I forgot one
21. Bought a new cell phone - put lock on it - never leaves his side - texts went from 50 a month to 1000s
UGH! Grrrrr! He makes me so mad!
Scooby keep your chin up. Not knowing it you just described my past. My W has it on her posts.
Scooby,
If H gets fired, so be it. It is one of the LIFE lessons that teaches him, not you. Wash your hands off from this soon-to-be mess of H's own making.
Yup, MLCers will bring their mobile/cellie everywhere with them. Especially if there's an OW/OM in the picture. I had mine too.
Whytry and wonka-
Thanks for the information and encouragement.
So I am confused. If I don't press relationship or start nagging I don't see monster. H will make some off handed rude comments, but that would be the norm. Is it common for them to make small talk and be nice, but do the actions of a MLCer. I can almost keep him from getting monster if I watch what I say. So confused. Advice? Insight? I am still panicked it is not MLC - he just does not want me...ugh!
Scooby,
I created a thread many years ago on the books that I read while I was on the crazy train. That listing has a small section on MLC. You may find a book in there to help you better understand it. However, there are many postings from others that have some wonderful books as well. Here's the link:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=120684&page=1I want to emphasize that nothing you said or did would have stopped his crisis. This crisis was bound to happen whether he was with you, another woman, single or whatever...it was going to happen. YOU did not cause this mess...he did and if you drink the Kool-Aid he offers up, sure you'll think you did it...I kid you not...it's not your fault he's acting out.
Get off the crazy train and take a seat on the curb. We are popping up a batch of popcorn so that we can be ready for the parade of crazy making MLCers to come down the street.
Yes, MLCers can make small talk, be as nice as can be and the minute you say or do something that makes them think you are either getting in their business, questioning them about what they've spent or where they've been or want to talk the relationship talk, begging, pleading, etc., they will turn on a dime and give you change. As long as they topics are general and it's something they want to talk about, they are fine...but the minute you rock that boat, look out. I use to do an experiment w/my xh. He would be chatting very nicely and if I mentioned something about the relationship, he would change to the monster mode w/a snap of the finger. So, what did I do? I change the subject to the weather or something very general and he would go right back into the nice mode.
If you don't want to hear the monster's words, then don't touch on subjects that you know will bring him out. There are going to be times when you do have to talk to him and endure the monster, but you can advise him that you will not be treated that way and walk away or change the subject. You do have more control than you think.
Job-
Thank you! Thank you! You just described my husband. I have been questioning, MLC, bipolar, a cheater, or something else. It sounds like MLC is it. His IC was starting to probe because she thinks he is bipolar. He figured it out pretty quick and stopped counseling.
I am terrifed because I think he means it when he says he is divorcing me at the end of his situation. i don't want a divorce. He is so into OW too. The month she was with boyfriend he was coming back to me - which I find very odd. I wonder if she was gone if he would come back. H has never been one to be alone. Also, he is stubborn and once he says something he does it whether he wants to or not. I am hoping that I am looked at as the friend and she is looked at as the nag. LOL
We are roommates now. Seperate bedrooms, no affection - no hugs, no kisses, no physical contact, small talk when together, no texting/no phone calls unless kid related. All of this is instigated by him - he gradually has taken all from me - it is like he is doing the detaching from me. UGH!!! I hate this! He said I started it by abandoning him for a decade - odd now he does not want any affection.
Scooby,
You can't control your h and if he wants a divorce, he'll get one whether you like it or not. Some of them think that by getting a divorce it will make things better for them. I can tell you that they are all in for a rude awakening when it comes down to the amount of money, time, paperwork, etc., that is spent on getting a divorce.
In their minds, they think that after the divorce everyone can be friends...unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.
Some will say they want a divorce when they feel like they are backed into a corner. Others mean it and will follow through very quickly and others will drag their feet. The best thing to do is listen and observe. He may not do it, but we don't know which way he'll go.
No, it's not odd that he wanted to return to you when his girlfriend was w/her boyfriend. Some do this cake eating waffling back and forth. Had he returned, the minute she was free, he would have been right back into her arms. They like to keep us on the back burner in case things don't turn out the way they think that they should.
You need to stop drinking his Kool-Aid. He loves to project on to you about abandonment. If you had abandoned him a decade ago, then why has he stayed so long? He's going to say or sorts of things to pin the blame on you. Don't drink that Kool-Aid. He's miserable and doesn't want to look within to find the real reasons for his misery. You didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him.
Nothing you say or do will make him change his mind during his crisis and that's why it's important for you to focus on yourself and your children. Stop focusing on the ow. She's taking up head space and not paying rent.
Job-
Thanks for being my sounding board. I have been awful last couple of days. Did you get a divorce in this craziness? H still sleep walks trying to get intimacy. I don't allow it because I know that he has not used protection (he has always been dumb about that.)
You are right I need to stop with the kool-aid drinking. I just don't get how he can be so nice to me and talk to me, and still want a divorce - seems dumb. But as I have found out there is no logic and he is in delusional land. I could make lots of money of this wack ball story, as I have been journaling about the craziness from day 1.
I am so glad that I found a place to vent and figure things out. I spent 4 to 5 months crying and begging for him to stay.
I am hoping the kids are enough to keep him grounded. H was a good dad, and still is pretty good. H just does not see that his late hours make him want to nap too much on days off and disappoints kids because they want to play with him.
I am going to have to put up some strength. I have family that is really pressuring me to file, and won't quit. I told him I will not do that until I am 100% ready (I don't think I will ever get there.) It is wrong - he is sick, why would I leave? Yes, he is treating me like crap and yes that hurts my family. I know they are just looking out for me, but I am tired of the argument.
Hoping weekend goes great. H has part of it off.
Scooby,
To answer your question, I am divorced. My xh filed and we moved forward.
You can't make rational out of non-rational behavior. You can try until the cows come home, but you can't make them see the light.
The kids will not keep him grounded if he goes into full blown replay. Right now, yes, he's a good father and maybe he'll be one of the lucky few that remains a good father, but a large majority of them walk away and the kids are the ones that don't see their parent for more than a few hours each week. So, please be prepared for him not being as attentive as he is now.
You are the only one that can decide what to do w/your life. No one else can live it for you.
Job-
thanks. I cannot imagine him being a horrible dad or leaving us, but I could not imagine the rest of the crazy stuff he has done in just 6 months. I am wondering what is left for him to do. He has done everything under the sun. From the first swear word - he was toast. He tells me that it is just stuff he has wanted to do last 2 decades (since he changed to being conservative.) He needs to start living his life for himself. UMMMMMMMMMMMMMM - you have a family that needs you too. DUH!!!!
So Job, since you have an X are you still standing? How long has your X been in MLC?
Scooby,
My xh began his MLC right around 1997. Full blown in 1999 and onward. He married the ow, she died in September 2013. He's one of those that is stuck. He's still acting like a 16 yr old.
No, I am not standing. After all of the destruction he created and I had to clean up, there is no way on God's green earth would I ever consider reconciling w/him. He wanted the illusive happiness and I opened the cage door and shoved him out the second time that he threatened to leave. If I had to do it all over again, I would never have allowed him to return home after he left the first time.
Job-
Sorry to hear your story. How long did you end up standing before you realized there was no hope for him? I hope that if you have kids, they are ok. My kids are quite young for my age. They have no idea because we play nice. I am so worried about them, as they are very close to both of us. My oldest will never recover.
That is said that your X lost his wife. I am sure that sent him further into the tail spin. Are you dating or did he destroy everything for you?
It sounds like you are real put together after the hell that you have been thru. You are quite strong, and I hope someday I a can be half as strong as you.
Thanks for all the help. I really appreciate it!
Dipstick told me that he wants to watch OW relative that is a kid tomorrow and she can have fun playing with our kids. Just so you know - he claims they are only friends. I said I don't think so. He asked me why. I said because that is his life only and I don't want the kids around it. so far he has killed every boundary I have tried to set. UGH!!! I see there being a battle this weekend! HELP??/ ADVICE??
Now I know why the dumb A has been being so nice! UGH! I hate this!
Tomorrow will probably pretty much be the war of the roses! UGH!! WTF is he thinking?
Your H sounds like my wife! Same flip of a switch change but she has filed for D. I am still fighting the fight! She has stayed out all night for 15 of 25 days, is a mini OM and repeats his words actions etc! Trying to ignore and detach. 5 kids all under 9. So very hard to do. I am sole wage earner and come home to be sole caretaker now. Always been perfect Mom and Wife prior to October when the nightmare began! Good luck I hope he comes to his senses and does not have to hit rock bottom to realize grass is not greener!
Scooby,
Generally, when they appear nice, they want something. Not all will be this way, but there are some that will be this way just to get what they want.
As for the kids playing w/ow's relative, I'm sure he's not thinking w/the proper "head". It's more of pleasing the ow and getting your kids use to being around her family and friends. Maybe she's babysitting the child and wants to provide that child w/some company...but I don't think I would allow it either at this time.
Find something for your children to do this weekend that will keep them super busy. Take them to the park or a museum for the day. That way, you will have a far better excuse then just saying no.
Stand your ground and do not back down if you feel strongly about your children associating w/relatives of the ow's for now.
Scooby,
I agree with Job. Keep the kids busy this weekend. So they don't have time to go play with OW's relative.
Also, yes, generally when they appear nice it is because they want something.
To answer your questions to me, I am not sure why I was asked to look at your sitch. We can see similarities in all of our sitches because while every MLC is unique, there are also hallmarks common to them as well.
With some of us oldtimers, when someone asks, that is all we need to know. I haven't read your whole sitch yet but I will try to get to it.
I do see that you say he is walking all over your boundaries...
I scuk at boundaries. Because I too make them unenforcable. Or I make too many of them, or I make them and hope they will be followed because I really don't want to enforce them. So when they are broken, I don't do anything because I didn't want to to begin with.
He can only break your boundary if you allow him to. Just like your kids can only break the rules if you allow them to.
Also, look for a book by Jim Conway. I don't remember the name of it and it's pretty old and hard to find, but it is about MLC.
There really isn't much out there because it isn't considered a true psychiatric diagnosis.
Job also pointed you to a good thread. Spend some time in the archives, it is a plethera of wisdom and laughter.
And my name, well it totally fits my personality.
The best book on boundaries that I've read or seen is "Boundaries," by Townsend & Townsend.
Starsky
Jim and Sally wrote books about Jim's MLC. Here are the books that many of us found invaluable many, many years ago:
Men in Mid-Life Crisis by James Conway
Your Husband's Mid-Life Crisis by Sally Conway
Surviving Male Menopause, A Guide For Women and Men by Jed Diamond
Male Menopause by Jed Diamond
Understanding Men's Passages by Gail Sheehy
I also loved Mr. Mean by Jed Diamond and Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. Those two gave me a lot of strength and comfort early on.
Job, cat, starsky, Lois B.-
Thanks so much for the responses. Amazingly I finally have a boundary, and I am not budging because he hit MOMMA BEAR! So far we are good. I am going to be taking the kids out soon. I told him what we were doing and he is welcome to come. H will drag his feet as usual and say he is coming last minute (it is the control thing - whatever.)
Thanks so much for the reading suggestions. I don't know why but reading about this whole mess calms me - I think that is weird. My IC is running out of things to give me to read. She has given me 3 to 4 books to read every week and I come back saying done - I want more. Some of the books I have bought my own copy after reading the libraries. DB and DR are those - my therapist actually had me read them early on. And of coarse I keep rereading them. I wish that I had known about the website back then - oh well.
Thanks for those that helped me through my panic. I have not had one of those panic attacks in a couple of months. I belong to 2 forums and everyone said I was right in setting this boundary - makes me feel better.
H did monster today and I stood my ground again. We will see I have to get thru today and tomorrow before I know that he is listening. H has always mowed over my decsisions.
I have not told him not to talk about OW because I don't want to make a big deal of it. H is still claiming they are just friends. However, I am wondering what is up - he was over there everynight for like 6 weeks and now in the last week he has come home right after work 3 times. I think the longer I can keep it on the downlow the better. H won't fess up about OW anyhow bc of work...dumb A. H tells me very little about OW and family. Maybe 2 things a week - he is pretty hush hush about it. And dipstick just went in the garage to make a phone call - what a maroon! Do you think it is ok for now to not say don't talk about her and her family?
THANKS AGAIN I REALLY APPRECIATE MY NEW FOUND FRIENDS!!! The only thing that would make it better is if some of you lived nearby.
Scooby,
I'd suggest that you head over in the Infidelity forum and read up a bit on Train's latest thread (Loot & Laywers). Starsky and I helped Train work up a boundary on her H's OW. You'd want to learn about about setting up a boundary for yourself as well.
Thanks wonka - I will look up train.
Dodged the bullet today - he did not even bring up having OW relative spending time with kids. I kept the kids busy, and invited H - he decided last minute to come (H has done that every single time since this all started.) I am hoping that i won't have to deal with it tomorrow.
Last week H has spent less time with OW. I wonder why. It has to be her sending him away - because he is so into her. When we were out about, I was disgusted by him. To know that he has been with OW and probably is a walking STD - YUCK! I still love him, whoever him is. I get excited when I see the old person, but I know that person will never come back to stay.
I have looked at finances and DUMB A has spent $10,000 in 6 months. When he does buy it is big ticket items. A lawyer suggested I keep track of these and can point out in divorce proceedings.
I am not getting tons of hang up calls on home phone and cell phone - only when H is gone. They are an unlisted number - well my friend works for phone company adn I talked to cell phone carrier. Most are coming from OW and some from his other new friends. I have the records to prove it. I am thinking maybe I will sue her for harrassment adn emotional distress. She has no money, but it would be a hoot to embarass her. Seriously not going to do it, but keeping the evidence non the less. WTF with calling and hanging up. OW is past middle age - but acts like she is 20. GEEZE H really found a winner. I read somewhere that they always choose some lower class person - that is putting it nicely...LMAO
Thanks everyone for the help and suggestions. I really appreciate it! You all are in my thoughts and prayers! Thanks again - right now you guys are my life line...:)
Hi Scooby. My XW said the main reason that she was divorcing me was because I wouldn't take her to the "correct" grocery store when we went shopping.
Another day, minutes after telling me that there was nothing I could do or say that would make her stay, I lit a cigarette. (She doesn't smoke and hated the fact that I did even though she was a smoker when we met.) She looked at me and says: "Smoking? Yeah that'll make me change my mind and stay."
So yes.....THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY ****ING CRAZY!!!
There is nothing you could have done to prevent this.
Keep your head up.
Oh yeah, if you want to read crazy, check out my thread. I've been here over three years and my MLCer was textbook.
Tad
Tad- Thanks for the response
I can't believe the things that MLCers say and do. Mine was very conservative - so swearing was a lot. Now h is drinking, EA and PA, tattooed (and getting another), watching porn, and about 15 other new things. He is completely opposite. For awhile I though he was changing to be like OW - but now see it is MLC.
I cannot believe what your XW was saying. Has she realized yet what she did?
Yeah! The lies continue - why lie about things that he does not need to lie about? Is it that big of an addiction? So far he has not mentioned OW family member coming to see my kids again. Maybe my first boundary worked.
I am an a unique position. H might lose his job due to EA and PA. I am thinking of hiring a PI for evidence of PA. Because if he loses job I can sue H and OW for emotional distress and loss of money. I don't know what the limitations are on this. I really don't want to sue, but if he is going to leave me penniless and goes with OW, I feel like she needs to be attacked. Furthermore if H loses job, it will hit the media and why. UGH! My mind is still spinning. Opinions?
So as you can tell I can detach from all the MLC nonsense - except the EA and PA. I don't know how to detach from it. Suggestions?
Scooby,
I am thinking of hiring a PI for evidence of PA. Because if he loses job I can sue H and OW for emotional distress and loss of money.
Why spend the money just to "find" evidence of PA?! I don't think it is good use of your time and resources. Instead, work with the assumption that it is indeed a PA and I am pretty darn sure from what you post here on H's behavior.
Suing them will not HELP your sitch at all. It'll just make you look like a vindictive b!tch. Do you want them to see you in that light? In fact, it will move you further from your goal: reconciliation. Take the high road, Scooby.
I feel like she needs to be attacked
Just so you can come out as a "victor" in this "war"? For what??!!! This ins't Hunger Games, sweetie. She's not worth this kind of energy at all. Look past the OW and don't acknowledge her at all.
Furthermore if H loses job, it will hit the media and why.
If this does happen, then let the media do your job like with John Edwards and his ex-mistress. Sit back and watch this movie unfold.
So as you can tell I can detach from all the MLC nonsense - except the EA and PA. I don't know how to detach from it. Suggestions?
You are not detached at all. Far, far from it. Trust me, you are not in a "unique position" nor the first. We've all been where you are now. The only way to detach from all of this is to let it all wash over you. The OW is nothing to be scared of at all. Nothing! She's a small Z-level actress in your own movie.
Scooby,
You are so very much still attached to the drama of what your h and the ow are doing. Let him go and do what he needs to do and if it's w/that ow, so be it. We all have been right where you are right now and it's frustrating to know that there's nothing you can do to make him see the light. The only control you have is over you and your children.
As for a PI, the retainer generally is around $1500 to start out. Do you really have that kind of money to be spending on a PI right now? Your gut tells you that there is an EA and a PA may be in the works. You are talking about suing, you need to check out your state to see if you can really sue for alienation of affection. If you can't, then let it go.
If he and the ow are put in the position of losing their jobs, allow the normal chain of command do the dirty work and allow the media to have a field day w/it. You want your hands clean if this should happen. Why? Because you'll come off looking like a shrew who wants to stick it to them. You don't want your children to read and/or hear about this stuff if you were involved at a later time in their lives.
How to detach? Find things to do. Keep your mind busy. You can always rearrange your furniture in your place. Take walks, meet up w/friends or make new friends, plan activities w/your children. One thing that I've always suggested to posters and it really works is get a rubber band, place it on your wrist and when you start thinking about them or what they are doing, snap that rubber band and believe me, the sting will have you thinking of something else very quickly. Detaching takes time, but you are the only one that can determine the pace.
Again, put those revenge thoughts in a box and store them away. Rise above them and do not lower yourself to their level.
I cannot believe what your XW was saying. Has she realized yet what she did?
Not sure scooby. If she does, I'll probably never know because she would probably never admit it.
Tad
Scooby,
I know how hard it is to face those feelings of powerlessness. Watching a train headed at 100 miles an hour for your family and you are powerless to stop it.
The wreck itself, however, is the thing you are powerless over. Your H is driving the train right now. Leave him to it.
You can, though, shield your kids and your heart as much as possible from the debris and the impact when it hits the fan. That's where your power comes into play. Build a fort around your heart right now, be gentle with yourself, don't trust him a bit and, please, please, please, create a nice soft spot for your kids to land. They will need you more than you ever thought possible.
Focusing on his poor train driving skills aren't helping them right now at all. It's only robbing them of BOTH parents.
Hi Scooby ~
I was thinking about you today.
At one point on time, I thought about hiring a PI as well. (Remember that, Job?) Job is right, be ready to shell out some big bucks. I wanted to do it to prove to my H what I already knew was true - that he was having an affair with my friend.
I didn't end up doing it, and I am very glad. I remember thinking - wow, that is a lot of money! My H had already spent so much of our money, I didn't want to waste any more on their affair. I thought the money would be better spent on our children.
The other thing to think about, and this is a big one...
Specifically what do you plan to do with the info once you get it?
If your h is truly in MLC, any proof isn't likely to bring him around. Instead, he will use it against you, use it to vilify you - "you spied in me!"
See what I mean?
You have asked a few times- if both you and your h are detached, how does that work?
I like visuals, they help me. Early on, someone gave me this visual...
Imagine that during your H's MLC, you and he are on two parallel journeys.
You many cross paths one day, you may not. Hopefully, you will. But it will take a long time to get to that point.
GAL is the key to detaching. Something else that really helped me was to remember that the person doing all these hurtful and selfish things was not my h, not the man I married. If you can remember this, it does help.
Detachment doesn't mean you don't care. It just means you don't let what he says and does dictate what you say and do.
Follow your own path
Everyone-
Thanks for bringing me back to reality. I had thought that I had detached from all except OW, but from what you have said that is not true. There is some question if EA has moved to PA - yep it has, and I have confirmation of it (although H thinks I don't.) This is when I stopped being physical with him (which is a whole other crazy story.)
Fortunately I am someone who thinks about something forever. For example, if I decided to hire a PI - I would get around to it like a year from now - I work that slow. What would I do with it? Give it to his work, as they think they are just friends. I have decided to back down again from the PI.
I have thought bad of OW and recently found out that she is worse than I thought. If she continues, she will take H down and he won't know what hit him. The stupid things people do when they are infatuated.
I have been doing great at GAL - and see mr. control freak monster. What am I supposed to do? He put me in this situation. I cannot sit at home and hope that he will wake up. This is probably hard for him, bc I am a home body by trait.
H still wants to do lots of family things - I am the one that plans the activities and invite him. H always waits until last minute to say he is going. The big GAL is while he is at work, and he HATES it. ha ha! His relationship with the kids is slipping but he does not see it that way. I don't think he will be one that leaves his kids - he will fight for them if we get divorced. He has said he is gathering evidence on me - ha ha! I am boring - nothing to get. This is why 99% of my GAL is with kids, he does not need ammo. H is paranoid right now, espicially when I take kids out. It is looking like H is bipolar, but stopped IC before it could be determined.
Any comments, suggestions are welcome. As you can see I still am a mess and all over the place. Thanks for being my sounding board. I value you every post I get and suggestion. Have a great week everyone! Prayers for all of you!
Slow down and breathe. Sounds like you've tapped into some of the anger. Use to pull yourself back together.
Listen to TakeVows, DETACH. It isn't personal, it's his hurt.
Read the archives and recommended reading list. It really helps. You're not alone.
LoisB-
I love doing the reading, it has been a lifesaver. I still am having a hard time detaching. My feelings really vary about the whole sitation. Online is the only safe place to talk about how I feel. Friends and family care for me, but do not understand. I cannot even explain why I am staying. I just feel like at this point it is the right thing to do. However, that being said, I have a hard time grounding myself. The detaching from the OW and EA and PA is so hard. It might be easier if we lived in seperate homes, but he won't leave. H also has some mental issues but quit IC. I have not mentioned MLC or mental issues bc I know that would not help. At least through this I have realized I am stronger than I thought. I also see him as sick, and how could I leave him? I just need to detach. UGH!!!
Scooby,
You can't force detachment. It will come slowly but surely. You are wise not to mention MLC or mental issues. It's best to keep those thoughts to yourself or come here to post them. People in the real world don't understand MLC and until they have walked a mile in your shoes, they won't.
Keep the focus on you!
Job-
You are so right. I questioned it was real in the beginning and then when I came to this sight I discovered a whole other world. Detachment is so much harder than GAL. So far I get monster with GAL - oh well.
Scooby,
You are getting monster w/GAL, because he doesn't want anything to change and he doesn't want to see you happy. You have to remember that he' a miserable soul and he wants you to feel that way as well. Guilt eats at them, especially when they see us moving forward and are happy.
Try not to all his monster mood to deter you for having fun and doing the things you need to do to survive.
Scooby,
Shaking my head as in yes^^ Job has summarized nicely the MLCer mind in response to a spouse doing GAL stuff. I've done my share of snarls at Ms. Wonka when she did hers. Because I was so miserable and why did she get to be happy??! So yep, I pulled a face or stomped around the house to pull Ms. Wonka down to my level of misery.
Crazy!
So today I am very angry. H continues to play H at OW house - did yardwork today there. Spent another $300. Still spending time with OW - now they go to the gym and workout together (apparently she is training him.) PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
H washed sheets on his bed and put different sheets on his bed and hid it. H has not touched laundry in 15 years. So now i think the PA is happening at my house when kids are at school and I am at work.
It is hard to detach from him in the same house. H is so into OW, that he does not notice what I am doing now. H really monsters when he is at work and calls and does not know where we are. It pisses me off! I don't know where he is while off work and don't call.
HELP!!!! The whole OW situation bothers me, the rest I could deal with. The harder I try the more I think about it. Not sure what to do....ugh!!!
Scooby,
What about our suggestions to get a boundary set up? I've referred you to Train's thread on how to set one up for yourself. It is wrong for H and OW to have sex in YOUR own house!
I told Ms. Wonka that she cannot have the OW come near or in our house. So Ms. Wonka had their rendezvouses elsewhere.
I was quite angry when I told Ms. Wonka this and she knew that I meant business. That was almost 10 years ago.
Scooby,
Having sex in your marital home while the children are at school? If this is true, then, I think you know what you have to do. This cannot continue for your sake AND the kids.
You have sounded increasingly stressed this whole week. His insanity seems to be reaching a new level and you are now suffering the consequences.
Sounds like it's time to set some firm boundaries.
Detachment is very different from allowing disrespectful and harmful behavior to continue in your home.
I know it hurts, I know you are angry, I know it's insane...but, now things are getting downright Jerry Springer and that's not good for anyone.
What can you do to keep his crazeee on his side of the street?? Is it time to set some new ground rules for the house? Or, is it time to have him enjoy his MLC elsewhere??
Everyone is here for you. We've all been there. It stuns and amazes what they deem to be OK.
Why do you think that PA is happening in your house? Just because he washed his cheats? Whey would she come to your house when she had her own? Are you over thinking this too much?
One thing to make everyone believe that they are just friends. Another thing is to come to your house to have a PA. This is insane. She must be one miserable human being, if she can do that.
I agree with others. Even if he says that they are just friends, you can always tell him that she is not to enter your house.
I found out that EA had moved to PA before I knew better and was reading texts. OW does not have own home - she lives with her mommy, so it is possible things could be happening at my house. I am just assuming that they are while we are all gone in the mornings.. Why would he suddenly wash sheets since he has not done laundry in 15 years?
You are right things have been escalating the last week. I am doing more of GAL with kids, and am seeing more controlling behavior and monstering. I also have reached of stage of anger (this is new as I am not an angry person.)
I need to set boundaries. It is tough since there really is no consequence if he breaks them. I feel like I am circling and stressing. I also don't know what I should be doing when I interact with him. I am nice let him start conversation and agree with what he is saying. But I am wondering if I should go dark or dim. When this all started H has shoved me away - no affection, hugs, kisses after first month or two - "I am putting up my wall. I am done trying" From the outside we look like a happy family because we still do things together.
I am swimming this week. Thanks for listening. Any suggestions are thoughts would be great. I will go back and read train again. THANKS
I just need to decide a direction and focus on it! ugh!
I'm sorry to hear that scooby.
Scooby,
Take a breath. It's going to be ok. You need to breathe and slow down.
First things first.
Just Breathe.
You don't have to make any decisions tonight.
I think we all reach a point when we HAVE TO KNOW the truth. I think it's very normal. The point where we face the elephant in the living room. Sounds like you have reached this point.
It's the point where we want confirmation, but, for me, it was the point where I already knew the truth. I was tired of feeling like I was being made out to be crazzeee when it was my spouse who was acting in all manic sorts of crazy.
What are the facts?
You know he is having an affair.
You sense he is having her at the house. Does he admit that she comes to the house as a "friend?"
No does not admit affair or her coming to house.
Well - while it does sound suspicious, just washing your own sheets is not absolute proof he's sleeping with her there.
If you want proof so he can't gaslight you when you tell him he can't have her there - get one of those Nannycams and set it up in his room. (This might not be legal in your state though.)
But really, you already know he's cheating with her, and if you were in a better financial state you would probably make him move out, right? If you're not in a place to do that, you need to figure out how to get to a place where you can. And meanwhile, just stop and ask yourself about any action: "Will this get me closer to my goal?"
If the answer is no - don't do it.
Scooby - yes, I think it's time to set some type of boundary. Make it extra clear that cannot and will not happen in your house. My H and I have a vacation home 3 hours away, and I'm beginning to suspect the same thing. I haven't been there in several months (it was closed for winter) but am planning a visit next week, and won't be telling him much ahead of time. If she has been there, I WILL know.
Time to have a very serious talk with him Scooby. Thinking good thoughts for you -- must be extremely stressful daily existence at your house at the moment...
I wasn't very clear. If you suspect he is cheating, he probably is. I wasn't questioning the cheating. I was wondering, however, if he had admitted to having her over to the house before.
Regardless, go with your gut.
Take good care of yourself tonight.
So, he gets angry when you are gone with the kids and he doesn’t know where you are. What about times when he knows where you and when you would be coming home? Could it be that he needs to know because he can bring OW to the house?
Lois B -
No he has not admitted to having her at the house. I keep getting "we are just friends, best friends, I have never had a friend like this, we are BFF's." Makes me want to gag. H used to describe this way....UGH!
KML-
I could afford bills without H, however there is restructuring at my company and I could be on the chopping block. The main problem is that he will not leave.
Livenow-
Thanks for the suggestion. I will be firm with him like I was on my first boundary last weekend.
BF-
H gets mad with me GAL. If I tell him we are meeting someone do not call or text - he will bc that is his time to call kids. It is not to bring OW over to house bc he is at work (we both work oddball shifts.) The only time OW could come over is while I am at work and kids are at school (as H and OW don't work those hours.)
H continues to get in deeper with ow. It is obvious he is pursuing her. I don't see an end to ea or pa soon. Still claiming they are only friends. I still feel guilty for the bad stuff and am wondering if I should tell...ugh
How are you Scooby??
Thinking about you and hoping things are better today :-)
Scooby,
BF-
H gets mad with me GAL. If I tell him we are meeting someone do not call or text - he will bc that is his time to call kids. It is not to bring OW over to house bc he is at work (we both work oddball shifts.) The only time OW could come over is while I am at work and kids are at school (as H and OW don't work those hours.)
How crazy is that!? Did you actually tell H that he can bring OW in the house if you are at work and kids are at school??!!
She cannot be allowed near or in the house...PERIOD.
Lois and wonka
I am getting mad which means things are going to change. The money spending is out of control. Spent close to $6000 this week. I think I need to file due to the finances. H is crazy when I am gal and say I am busy don't call or text. He keeps calling or texting and getting paranoid.
Hi Scooby,
I am so sorry he is still so angry and spending like crazy. Unfortunately, it is all par for the MLC course.
You definitely need to do whatever you can to protect your finances. I will warn you, because I went through this with my h - no matter how much proof you have of their spending, they will deny it and get angry. I had bank statements and credit card statements, and he still denied it - then turned it around to say that I was shallow and only cared about money!
Their thinking is very skewed, and believe me, when they are in the infatuation stage of affair, nothing you say or do is really going to change that. You can bet on one thing... Whatever "advice" the ow is giving him, it's going to be to her benefit.
Mlcers do get very paranoid too. It's all part of it. My h would go off about people spying on him, talking about him, badmouthing him, etc.
Their minds are messed up Scooby. Don't expect logical thinking anytime soon.
Take
H is completely crazy and paranoid and has more than mlc going on. Sometimes he terrifies me now and kids. I may have to file to be safe
Scooby,
If he is terrifying you and the kids, then it's TIME to take action.
I'm sorry, but you Have to do something if he is even remotely threatening.
Your situation seems to be moving at warp speed lately. Please protect yourself in ALL ways.
You can do this.
One more thing, Scooby, I stunk at dealing with the financial and it's biting me in the A$$.
However, I have always been pretty good at dealing with the abusive stuff that comes my way.
Here's what I've learned:
If he even hints at hurting you or the kids, call 911. In our state, someone goes to jail. In the long run, this will only help your case in getting him to live elsewhere. You will have these records to back up any claim for a restraining order.
My H was a big one for saying he'd never leave and blah, blah, blah... What I learned, if he is threatening and causing emotional upheaval for you and the kids (like possibly having an affair AT the house), then you have ground to force him out.
I know this is scary stuff. But, you gotta face it. Otherwise, either your anger or his will take a turn for the devil and you won't be able to recover as easily. Don't mess with this... Be safe, rather than sorry.
Just my two cents.
Heather
Lois
This is so hard. H has undiagnosed mental issues and he quit IC. I don't think I am ready to file but don't know what to do. He is 180 from a year ago. He is in spare room and won't touch me not even a hug. He has become private I can't see him naked or even with shirt off he gets embarrassed. H now closes and lock doors when showering. From the moment he said he wanted a divorce, in his mind it was ok to cheat. Then he started closing doors. I keep thinking what if it is not mlc and it is he just does not want me. He has done a 180 before when he liked a girl.
So here is why I get scared. H now has a short temper and raises his voice. When I am gal with girls h panicky and gets paranoid and will keep calling and texting. Even when I tell him the plan and don't call BC we are doing something like bike riding where I cannot answer my phone. Everytime I take control he gets this paranoia. I am terrified to file BC I know he will get nasty. I an not ready to file but am fed up with the emotional abuse and the temper. I have more family moving to town, so that might help.
Unsure of what to do be nice, go dark, file?
Scooby,
You cannot allow your emotions to dictate your actions. Let your rational head take CHARGE here.
If you really don't want to file, then DON'T! Stay the course by protecting yourself financially by speaking with a lawyer to find out what your options are. It does not necessarily mean you have to file for a D. These two are separate things.
H is miserable and wants you to bring you down to his level so he'll feel better about himself. Pay no attention to it. Leave him alone to twist in the wind all by his lonesome self.
You need to continue with GAL for your sanity's sake. Get out of the house. Don't answer his calls or texts unless it is an emergency. Show him that you will not drop every thing just to answer his desperate texts, calls.
If your H speaks to you in a disrespectful way, you need to put your foot down and state that that you will not be spoken in that way. IT IS UP TO YOU to lay down your boundaries.
Scooby,
You've described the man in crisis. They become very paranoid and yes, they lock doors to the bedrooms and bathrooms when they are changing clothes, etc. In their mind, we have either become the "authority/parent" figures or they feel they are cheating on their OP's if we see them or touch them. If you think back, when you became a teenager, you became very private about your room and didn't want people to see you changing, etc. He's in the teenager stage and boy is he having a time of it.
Please remember that he is operating on emotions and is not truly rational about anything. Sure he gets panicky. He doesn't want you to have fun while he's miserable. So, what do you do, turn the phone to vibrate while you are out and not answer the phone if you see it's him. He'll get over it or he'll blow a blood vessel. He doesn't want "mom" out of his sight because that must mean she's got a life and having fun. It's really a control issue and only you can stop it by not responding and ignoring those texts. If he asks later about it, be honest and tell him you were busy.
Set your boundaries and one of them is the draw the line in the sand the next time he speak to you w/disrespect. Advise him that you will not tolerate or deserve to be treated disrespectfully and that when he calms down you'll be happy to discuss whatever has him wound up. You have to be the one to take back your control. The longer you allow this behavior, the more he'll test your limits. He's a baby having a temper tantrum. What do you do in that case? You certainly don't reward bad behavior w/attention, etc. You put them in time out and leave them be. Walk away when he's acting disrespectfully.
Go dim, go about your business and continue to live your life. Leave him to stew for a while.
Scooby,
Listen to what Wonka and Job told you.
Set the boundaries. No one said you have to file right now. But, you need to protect yourself from his insanity.
It really helped me, in the beginning, to think of him like Job suggests. Think of him as another child. When the kids disrespect you, do you tolerate it? Do you take it personally?
On the numerous occasions I have been graced with a tantrum from my children, I can say with certainty, I DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. They are being obnoxious kids. That's what your H is right now.
You gotta set the boundaries. Gotta. Or, you will go crazy.
Just to clarify, you don't have to EVER file. This isn't about filing, it's about self-preservation and detachment.
Hey all-
I don't think that I am ready to file either. I have to be 100% ready or I will always regret the decision and it will stress me the rest of my life. The way I feel right now is H started us down this road and he can complete it if he wants it.
I think the change in me is that I am moving from grieving to the anger stage. This is a new emotion to me. I don't get angry or mad. It takes a he** lot to push my buttons. Obviously since I am in my 40s and cannot remember being angry like this before. People describe me as a very nice person - if H and he says that is what makes it so hard on him. UGH!!! Hard on him - are you kidding me! I think even though I am not used to being angry, that it is going to help me. I will finally be able to set up boundaries and speak for my self (not be a doormat.)
In the last two weeks I have done the most I have ever done in my life, and you know what? I really enjoyed it. I am a homebody by nature. But I loved doing things with my kids. I have always kept people at arms length, but have realized that now I have some very close friends and a good network of people. I have realized that this and the other forum I belont to are the only places I can talk about stupid H. I am so thankful for all you peeps!
I am having a hard time with the controlling of calling or texting. I said don't call or text one night. H kept calling and texting and I did not answer. Guess what? H sent authority figures to house to check on us. Then when I called him he said he was concerned about the girls not me! What a MAROON! H was so paranoid I could tell he was going to have a panick attack. But then he was playing poor vicitim to OW - my wife is so mean by not answering calls or texts. The other thing was when I saw him 5 hours later, he did not remember the situation. I don't know if he was lying or did not remember. H has been very spacely lately. So how do I get past this? Ideas?
So I am fed up with the controlling nature that he has lately. Never has there been so much concern about what I do (probably bc life was so simple before.) I want to GAL, but I don't want people on my doorstep asking if we are ok. If we would not have been home the door would have been busted in to check....UGH!!! It does not help if I say don't call or text we are unavailable. Do I have to put up with people at my doorstep, until he gets it?
I had a discussion the other day about one of our kids and he overruled me and said no. So I waited a few days to ponder it bc no was not the right answer. Today I told him the facts and this is what I am doing regardless of what he thinks. And guess what? He agreed. Hopefully he will remember the conversation.
H has some definant mental issues. H quit IC and is against it again (he was against it prior to MLC, so I have the double whammy...JOY!!) There is nothing I can do right now except protect everyone. But if it gets too bad and he does not get help, he will have to live elsewhere.
H is so deep with OW. On days they work together they are with each other about 16 hours (but still claiming we are just friends.) I get no calls or texts he is going to be late, so he could be dead as far as I know. I don't bother to call or text him. I just keep on doing what I am doing. The idiot is going to get himself fired over this.
H has noticed that I have a different attitude. He had the gall to say if I had been this way since he had known me he would not be wanting a divorce. Whatever, he has always been a controller. Which did not matter bc I am easy going and don't care. But not anymore. No one can treat me, my kids, my friends, and my family like this without hearing about it. My hope is that I keep this attitude and do not go back to doormat. I know I am strong bc I have put up with months of nonsense. I just need to show the strength on the outside too. H has no idea what is coming for him....LMAO.
So I know that I have not detached and am still concerned about what he is doing. But I am slightly better than a month ago and that is what is important.
Thanks all for helping me. You really mean a lot to me. Any suggestions, ideas, jokes, music you love anything is appreciated.
P.S. I hate the no email or cell phone numbers rule. At least on the other sight I use you can private message. have a great weekend!
I am having a good weekend with the kids. I am hoping that I can figure out this MLC junk. I wish I had the $$$ for DB coach.p
H seems to be detached from me and is just here for the kids. I am wondering how much longer he will threaten divorce before he just does it?
I am in shock Mr. Scooby came straight home from work. I must be dreaming - we will see if it is a dream or a nightmare. Mr. Scooby was being unusually nice. I wonder what I have in store for me now?
Scooby,
Keep the focus on you and your children. You will find that thinking about your h and what he's doing will consume you and your day and leave little time for pleasant activities. I know you are concerned about him and his actions, but no one knows what he's going to do or say and guess what...neither does he at any given minute. Emotions run high for him and let's face it, people who are running on pure emotions doesn't think logically.
Enjoy your day w/your kids.
Sorry I have not been posting much. I am really struggling lately. I have such anger, which I am never mad. H still says ow is friend. He spent $6000 again this week for his situation. When he finally can divorce me, we probably won't have the $$$$. I was doing better at detaching but now I am back to square one.
I am tempted to break the secret of the affair at work. One conversation and it would be done. No one would know it is me. They are making a case to fire h anyhow. What stops me, is I feel like if I do something to bring it out, it won't benefit me. Knowing my luck it would push them closer. I still think of it often.
I still question if h is having mlc. In his 29s he completely changed for a girl he really liked. What if he is changing BC he knows what ow wants? H does have mlc behaviors, but that fits with ow lifestyle too. I guess time will tell. I don't think ow has staying power. She has a lot of skeletons in her closet that h is unaware of.
One of my friends asked me recently why I was with h, as they think he is a bottom feeder. This was a difficult question to answer. I love what he is not anymore. I don't know if I love the new person BC h won't let me near him. I am guessing I would love that person too, but ow would have to go away. I don't believe in divorce, h didn't either but I guess he changed his mind, as all I hear is I want a divorce when situation is over. Why would he wait to divorce me? We also have kids together and that sometimes is what keeps me here.
So lately what I have decided to is let myself come out. I am nice to h. Most times I let him start conversation. I tried dark or dim which is impossible in same house with small kids. H feels like I abandoned him, so I am not going to do that again. I am upping the gal with kiddos. I can't avoid phone calls BC twice I said don't call and authorities have been at my doorstep to make sure we are ok. Both times they asked if h was mentally stable. H went straight to paranoia. It is thought that he is undiagnosed bipolar, h quit ic before therapist could diagnose. H does not monster much BC I watch what I say and do. I figure the best option is to be nice and his friend eventually his ow will not be nice and start to nag. Any advice? Ideas?
Wish there was cheap version of coaching. I really could use it.
Scooby, your thread is going to get locked. Time for a new one. ;-)
He spent $6,000 in ONE WEEK???? I know you're hurting and scared, but you NEED to face this spending issue. In about a million different ways, you've been saying it's time to get some legal help.
Instead of beating around the bush...get to an attorney Scooby or just file for a temporary order of support at the local child support enforcement agency...it's free.
If you need us to walk you through it, we can all help. I ignored this advice and it led to more pain down the road for me AND the kids.
NO divorce/filing, nada...just protect yourself financially. There's a lot you can do. You are not powerless.
Scooby,
Have you considered taking a bit of cash out of the account to start a nest egg for you and the kids? $6,000 is quite a bit of money to be spending in one week.
Don't be afraid to do what you need to do in order to protect your assets and your kids. Start by contacting a lawyer and finding out what you need to do before all of the money is gone and you and the kids are left w/nothing.
Don't put this off another day. Monday morning, first thing, search for a lawyer and make an appointment w/one that has a free consultation.