Thread #2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=11&page=1So, he is supposed to move out today. It was a stressful, uncomfortable, awkward weekend that lead to it. First my daughter's birthday party Saturday. Friends would later tell me that he seemed to be going through the motions. Then Easter with both families. He said he felt judged by mine looking at him like a freeloader (they weren't, he is paranoid).
Sunday night he left around 9pm to go see his 'friend' to work on some last minute school stuff. He picked her up and they went out to a place with wifi and open late. He stayed out about 4 hours. When he left he said "I know you won't believe me but I have the wrong article and I need to meet S to get the right one. I have to do it tonight so we can have it ready tomorrow." I just smiled and told him to have a good time. Well, the next day he saw my sister and my mom posting random stuff on their page relating to their OWN lives. He immediately thought it was about him and decided he wasn't coming home until time for me to go to work. Then he said he has to move out because every thinks he a freeloader. Paranoia is running so deep with him right now.
LiveNow - Thank you. Part of me is looking forward to being able to just live instead of question everything. Of course the bigger part of me is devastated.
Matt - He is moving to his brothers house until his other brother's rental is available. By then he should have two part time jobs to help pay? Although, how he is going to pay rent, bills, and support to me while working 2 jobs and going to his senior semester of school is beyond me. He probably hasn't thought that far ahead....yet again.
Job - I don't know how he's going to do it, honestly. He will work two part time jobs over the summer. Then go back to school in Aug...when will he work and see the kids? If he does move to his brother's rental, does he plan on having utilities? It's just not well thought out....he just wants out and now.
We told the kids he was leaving. They took it okay until last night. The two older ones asked a lot of questions of me and I tried to answer supportive and loving. I assured them that his family will always be their family, they will still see them, they will always have me, etc etc etc. My oldest cried herself to sleep. She drew a picture of our family with "Dad please don't move away. Love, K" written above it. It's on the white board in the kitchen so I know he saw it when he left today.
He asked me why I wouldn't sign papers. I told him I didn't want to. He asked it I was making it difficult just to make it difficult. I told him I didn't get married against my will and I am not going to get divorced against my will.
He said he just has no desire to be intimate with me. He lost his love for me and his desire for me. I told him I feel like that has something to do with the having all of those new girls as school and he agreed it might. His world has been opened up and he doesn't see the need to stay in something he feels nothing for instead of going out to find something he can feel love and intimate desire for.
I want to be loved and be wanted and be desired. I want to know the man I am with wants to be near me and be with me and wants to touch me. I love hugs and kisses. I brought up some friends of ours. How they are always saying sweet things to each other and kiss hello/goodbye. You can see and feel the love between them. I told him I wanted THAT. He said he did to but he didn't want it with me.
It's stupid. We both want the same thing, he just doesn't want it with me.
We both want to be more loving and more intimate but he doesn't feel that way towards me.
The situation he is in right now is sucking those feelings away from him wife and onto other people. He is allowing himself to redirect his emotions to other women when fixing what we have would be much easier and wouldn't destroy our kids.
I told him I expected him to see the kids more than just the three nights I work. He said okay but he wasn't going to mess up his job to make sure he had time off, he needs these jobs and those will come first. Then he said that if he was going to have the kids more often he wouldn't pay me as much...almost like "You take them or I cut off your money". I can't survive the summer without his help. I just can't. The power bill is ridiculously high here in the summer so we either have power or food.
Anyway, that's my weekend in a nutshell.
Praying,
I'm so sorry as I know you are contemplating a great deal. You have received sound advice and trust that things will work out.
I could have written some of those very words except my h said he" no longer desired a romantic relationship with me."
I have been in your shoes just recently and I can tell you that you will miss your old h. However, you will probably develop a peace and dare I say "happiness" you weren't aware existed. I don't want to tell you how you will feel because I can't do that. However, this possibility exists. As a matter of fact, some days I feel rather giddy and sassy. Why? I have 3 wonderful kids, good health, wonderful friends and family, 2 great dogs, a cat, a kick a$$ sense of humor, and I'm in reality. You have all of that (not sure about pets) and so much more as well
My advice to you is to focus on your financial safety and not worry about your h. This is his chance to be a big boy and pay his own bills. Do his own laundry. Let him figure this stuff out. Focus on you and those fantastic kids. If your h wants to have electricity, let him figure out how to pay the bills and earn the $$$. His decisions have consequences. Just like yours do and that should be to keep going and live every day to the fullest.
Don't let him bully you about support. You could file for temporary support and if in GA, there is a set amount for support based on income of both parents. Be cordial, take the high road, and don't let him bait you into an argument. You will be amazed at how awesome you are:)
Praying,
I didn't sees GM's response. One challenge you could run into if I'm understanding correctly your finances, is that your h could ask for spousal support. Again, check into the GA child support guidelines (they are posted online with several calculators and straight forward). You must protect yourself financially. No ifs, ands or buts.
GA,
You can't control him, you can't cure him because you didn't break him. You can't fix this situation for him because it's his problem.
I understand where you are coming from about the papers...but it takes two to get married and only one to file for divorce. My advice to you is if you have any inkling that you're going to need child support, etc., you need to file for it immediately. If your h is talking to others, he could very well come back and file for spousal support since he's going to school...I know that sounds crazy, but they will change even more as they move along the MLC trail.
As for him and his bills in another place, he's not worried about that and who knows, at some point he may get a roommate or if the affair continues on, she may move in w/him. I'm not saying that this will happen, but it could very well happen. So you need to prepare yourself for this because very few go on to live alone or w/family members.
You need to prepare yourself for a very long journey and what you "expect" of him, well...that's like my panties being tied to a balloon and traveling around the world. You can "expect" and/or think you are going to "rely" on him...but it doesn't work that way. He's gone, emotionally and mentally for quite some time and now physically. You need to drop your expectations at zero or very low because his first priority will be himself only. It will be all about him and the more you try to "guilt" him into doing something, the more he's going to distance himself.
I know you don't want to do anything to rock the boat, but it doesn't matter whether you do or you don't file for support, he's not going to come back and be a responsible adult for a few years down the road. You have to take care of yourself and your children financially. He's gone, gone, gone and it will take many years for him to grow up and realize what he's lost, if ever. There is no way to tell this early on whether he will be one of those that matures and wants his family back. Prepare for the worse and hope for the best. Who knows...you may be one of the spouses that gets so fed up w/his behavior and h is burning of the bridges, you just may not want him back if he should beg to come home.
Stay strong, do the math and get your finances in order and that includes support documents, live your life to the fullest and hug your children each and every day and reassure them that no matter what happens, you will be there for them.
He said he just has no desire to be intimate with me. He lost his love for me and his desire for me. I told him I feel like that has something to do with the having all of those new girls as school and he agreed it might. His world has been opened up and he doesn't see the need to stay in something he feels nothing for instead of going out to find something he can feel love and intimate desire for.
Praying -- My H said basically the same thing -- after his 'world opened up' too, last year (when he met OW in a college course). Only he keeps repeating 'My love has changed.' And keeps harping on how our relationship was never 'intimate' enough. For 20 years? Then why did he stay? What is it with the MLC'er being so incredibly hung up on intimacy? Can anyone shed some light on this? I've heard that word so many times in the past year it makes me ill.
I was devastated too, when he moved out. But it truly was the better thing for me, for my sanity...Hope you feel the same soon, Praying...
I'm with you Livenow! How can they say they "love" you but not the right "kind" of love? How can they really think they "never" loved you really, after 20 years of marriage and having 2 kids together (on purpose). Don't they think if they never loved you, they wouldn't have had kids together? They really are out of their minds crazy! They truly believe the lies they tell themselves and you.
Interesting use of terminology regarding burning the bridges and moving on, Job. My h frequently says he is burning all of the bridges and has to keep moving forward.
Praying, I hope you are doing okay. Hang in there!
Praying - Life will teach your H very quickly all the lessons you want to tell him.
I would just sign the papers and move on, the best you can.
When these MLC feel like they are being held back or tied to us in any way they act more irrational.
If you set them free that is the only way to get them back.
I still have hope for your marriage.
Thank you all for the posts.
Well, he ended up not leaving yesterday. It made me very angry since my oldest cried herself to sleep Monday night. We told the kids he was moving out on Tuesday. My oldest took it so hard.
He came home Tuesday and honestly, my heart was racing the minute he walked in the door. I had the cable company replace the modem and router (the others weren't working) so the internet password was different. He came downstairs asking about the password. I told him I had them changed out. He said "Are you going to give me the new password or do I have to live somewhere else?" I asked him wasn't he going to live somewhere else tonight? He said "Today, Friday, I haven't decided yet." I told him he needed to let the kids know before he left. He said he already did last night and he would call them before bed if he left tonight.
So, we leave to go to gymnastics. When we get home his car is gone. D8 started crying saying "Dad left..." I told her all of the encouraging things I have been saying...we love you, he will always be your dad, I love you, we will always be together....I told the kids they could play outside a bit before dinner. Well, D8 goes to the drawing of the family on the board and starts erasing H. It broke my heart. I told her to stop, to just leave it alone and we would take care of that later. After dinner, D8 writes H a note (she loves drawing pics and writing us notes): "Dad was the best dad ever! I miss dad very much. I love and miss him so much either way he'll still always be my dad. Love, K." I told the kids to get ready and we would go get ice cream. When we got back H still wasn't home (all of his things were still in the house though). D8 says "I guess he didn't just go out with his friends." OMG, this man is breaking my daughters heart and it is really starting to make me angry.
So, he comes home and asks how K is doing. I tell him the truth about her crying and her notes and her erasing. He says "ahh, really?" and goes to check on them. He says he is going to see how the next two days go before he moves. I told him I wouldn't be home those two days.
I told him a male friend wanted to take me on a belated birthday dinner to make up for my crappy birthday. He got all excited and said "So, we are dating other people now?" I asked him wasn't he already and he said yea, he guessed but now I am and that's good!! He said I need someone to talk to. He said moving out will help him gain perspective on his life and the situation. My text messages kept going off so he said "Good! Now I can turn mine off silent!"
I found out today that his 21 year old friend broke up with her boyfriend. He says they still aren't dating.
He came home from school and said he is going to talk to a lawyer soon. He asked me to please just sign the papers when he gets them. He confirmed that she has broken up with him but he doesn't call them dating yet. He said he doesn't feel right being married to me knowing he doesn't want this anymore. He said if things change and we get back together later then we can remarry. He said he should have the money for a divorce this summer so he will plan on filing then.
I said something about him being my best friend for 14 years. We had the type of relationship where when someone says "don't tell anyone but..." I would always talk to my husband. He said yea, he remembers and he wants that again but he feels like our marriage is in the way.
After his shower we were talking about this weekend and I asked him where he saw his future. He said Navy, going back to school for nurse anesthetist, making money to support the kids and I while finding his happiness. He said he saw me remarried and happy with the man who was meant for me and gave me everything I deserved. He said that he hasn't been the husband he should have been. Yea, he has been there and he has taken care of the kids but that I deserve so much more... Love, intimacy, everything I want from a marriage and he did too. He said that even when I mentioned that I wanted more hugs or kisses and he obliged that they were forced and he has been checked out for a while. He said I deserve better and he deserves a chance to find the woman that will make him act that way for real. He said our house and our marriage feels safe and comfortable. He said we both deserve better. That we both deserve to be happier than we are. I told him shouldn't I make that decision for me? He looked up and for the first time looked at me and said "Yes...and I'm sorry." That is the first time he has ever said sorry.
He told me he is scared of what comes next. He isn't comfortable with his future. He said he has periods of being excited about changes and periods of being totally scared of what lies ahead.
Anyway, that is a ton of reading and I am done. I am broken and unable to even contemplate my future. I have to come to terms with this being the end and it still hurts so darn bad. I have to drop the rope and let him go. If he changes his mind he will return and there isn't a thing I can do about it. I hate myself for loving him so much. There is something in him that he has to do. He has this need that he is searching to fill and he won't take no or stop for answer.
Okay, another twist to the story. H has been an atheist for years now. Well, he suddenly feels like there is a higher power watching over him. He said he thinks he is starting to believe again and has removed all of his atheist related material from his FB page. He said he knows there is someone keeping an eye on him to make sure he is okay.
Seriously?! You think there is someone watching over you now...now that you are leaving your wife and kids?
Praying,
Ah yes. The "I'm moving not moving syndrome." Some things about your situation sound similar except my h has blamed me for everything including traffic:)
They just change. Thru do the opposite of what you think. My h is an atheist too and that hasn't changed. However , his political beliefs have gotten more extreme. Just focus in detaching ( I know it's hard) and observe. It's sad and interesting all at the same time. And of course, protect yourself financially.
Praying,
Ijust reread one of your posts. I'm not sure if this is appropriate DB, however you may not want to offer up so much stuff on your kids. Your h is focused on himself. Telling him about the kids' feelings will feel like guilt to him. You have to protect your kids because I have a feeling that isn't high on your h's priority list. Let him own that relationship with the kids. Don't faciliate or naviagate. You just remind them you are there for them and let his relationship with them play out as it may. You can't fix that.
Hope you are having a better day:)
God, how is it that MLCers can be so selfish and crazy and not have a clue how horrible they sound! I got all that praying but so far my W hasn't left but plans to soon. They really believe that "things" can make them "happy" I think because they are so afraid that if that's not true, they are the problem and it's to hard to look at themselves. He is hurting his kids by his leaving, not leaving and yet can't find it in himself to care. My W who had her parents go thru a bad divorce, swore she would NEVER put her kids thru that but now says "we all hurt our kids, they'll get over it".
Try to remember none of this is about you or how good or bad of a wife or person you are! I know that doesn't help much right now but none of this is your fault. He is so selfish right now, he is willing to let you and your kids pay the price for his "happiness"! Try to detach and give him as much space as possible right now. Show him you can be strong and will have your own life with him or without. Try not to show how hurt you feel, that will just feed his need to run.
We are all praying for you and your kids! You are not alone!
Well, he spoke to a lawyer yesterday. I forgot a friend of his brother (acquaintance of mine) is a lawyer. It will be $1500 to file uncontested. He has told her to give me full custody and we will adjust child support as things change. He said he trusts me to let him see the kids despite the papers. He said if the Navy doesn't take him he is going to do something else that will take him away from here for a few years. He said he just needs to get away and get out and find himself again. He said he loves the kids and he will miss them and he is sure they will probably hate him. He said he is sorry he is leaving me to take care of them but he knows that I will do a good job and I have so much family support that they will be well cared for. He said his job is to send us money since he is walking away and he knows that.
I told him that I have so many people telling me to not trust his word and to make sure I cover my butt well. He said he understands that but he is willing to give me anything I want as long as I agree to sign and get it over with sooner rather than later.
He said he asked the lawyer about dating and such. She said the only thing it would hurt is if we used it against each other for custody and since he is giving me full custody there isn't anything there.
He is just ready to be done and gone. I might get the kids and the child support, but that also means he is absolved of any mandatory father time as well.
Random ramblings from me today:
I feel very out of control and very resigned to my fate. I hate this. My marriage is over.
Nothing is going to change. I'm getting a divorce and he is leaving for somewhere for years. My husband. The father of my children is walking away and leaving me as the sole parent for years.
So, I'm getting divorced. And things will never be the same. I will be a single parent in just a few months. The only one my kids have in their house. He is just leaving. Just going off to do whatever he want to do. Leaving me to care for them because he knows I will.
Everywhere I go, he is there. His stuff, his life, his smell, his presence.... Even at work I go to the rooms where our kids were born. Where we spent our first days as new parents, a family of 4, and then a family of 5. Everything in my world is my 14 year marriage and it is all gone now.
I know how pity-party I sound tonight and I am sorry. I was feeling so strong and I still have many moments of strength. This sudden understanding that I will be divorced soon is hard for me. I always had this dream in the back of my head that things would heal and we would build a new marriage. I know it takes time and I know it is still possible. It will be years before we are there (if we get there). I know that it is him and not me. I am slowly coming to terms with the idea. I know it in my mind it's hard to feel it in my heart as well.
I still love him and I still have the desire to see him turn his life around to become the amazing, loving, committed father and husband I know he can be. But I cannot change his heart or his mind right now. This is his journey to travel alone. I cannot hasten it and I cannot accompany him. I will love and support my kids through this. I will find my way in a world without H. I will come out of this stronger and taller.
I still love him and I hope for the best in his life.
Please pray for my kids. My oldest is in the middle. She understands the most out of the three. She is breaking my heart and I am trying to be strong for her. Please pray for my strength and my ability to be the mother they need right now.
I still love him.
Praying,
It's good to journal your feelings. I could have written many of those thoughts as my h just wants to be done as well.
You are right. You can't change this as they are looking for the external to make them happy. I know that is crazy but that's what they do. They are so convinced that it's everything in their current life making them unhappy that a new gf, place, friends will finally make them happy.
One thing that I have realized, is that I am building this unique bond with my kids that I can't describe. Yes, it is difficult if I just need to run to the store and all 3 must go with me, but you learn to appreciate things differently. You can do this and your children will see what an amazing mother they have. Their father will have to own all that goes along with his decisions and it won't be pretty. However, that's on your h-not you. There is something about when you come to that realization that makes you feel at peace. Why? I don't know. Maybe because it's not yours to own.
Tomorrow is a new day. Be kind to yourself
So sorry to hear about where H is at and what he is doing. He is so running from his pain and himself and nothing seems to be able to slow him down. You know that one day when he finds that he just can't run away from this he will regret what he has done to the people who have loved and counted on him the most. It WILL happen. When, no one can say. In the mean time know that you will pull through this. You have 3 great reasons to be strong and be the best person you can be! Trust in God. Trust in yourself. You are stronger than you feel right now and have ever known! Now is the time to show your kids the way to deal with adversity with grace and strength. You can do it and we are all here for you and on your side!
Matt & Georgia are so right.
I read your words and I remember writing them same words a year or two ago. And hearing those words echo endlessly in my mind.
The best thing I could do to get out of that space was write a gratitude list.
1. My kids are healthy
2. I am healthy and able to be there for me kids
Then on from there.
We are all so blessed and any day the blessings that we take for granted can be lost.
Your kids are so so lucky to have you as their mom.
He left today. We will see him tomorrow for D8 meet and he will be back Wednesday so I can work. He was great with with the kids. He told us all bye, hugged me, and left.
I'm okay. It will be okay.
I'm sorry it came to this, but you and the children will be okay in time. You will discover that you are having to walk on eggshells around him and you will feel like your home is now your home.
Yes, it will get better. You will have ups and downs...that's normal. Be kind to yourself.
He came to the gym meet yesterday. Forgot to buy her flowers, missed her floor routine going to get the flowers, looked irritated at being there, left early to go "work on his project and help his brother" but actually stopped back by my house to work out since he left half of his clothes, books, and weights here. He said he would call our daughter last night since he didn't get to talk to her during the meet. I'm glad I listened to my intuition and didn't tell her he was calling because for for the 2nd night in a row they received no goodnight phone call.
Last time he called every night to talk to them. Now we don't hear from him at all.
I have discovered that life goes on without him. Things are different and even a bit harder. Of course, it's only the weekend so no work to deal with yet.
I miss him and I still love him but my feelings have changed. I just don't want him around. It's better when I don't have to see him. I have cried but not much. I don't want him here when he doesn't want to be with me and is just texting her. I want him here because he wants to be here.
Well, he popped in this afternoon to workout and do his laundry. He left his weights and rack so I guess my house is his gym. I asked him to text me before he shows up from now on so that I can decide whether to stay or leave. Plus I was half dressed. He gave me some money for groceries. He also said he did try to call but the phone just rang.
I do so much better when I don't have to see him.
Hi praying.
Don't "ask" him to call before he comes over to use YOUR home as his gym. He is STILL cake eating here. He wouldn't just walk in a friends home without so much as is this a good time. He can do his laundry at his home, workout at his home. What would happen if you decided to store some of your stuff at his brothers rental and came and went as you pleased? Might cramp his dating plans!
Tell him to get his weights out of there or join a gym. He can't think of anyone but himself right now, that is clear. If he wants to act like a jerk he has to pay the consequences. Until than, why change what he is doing?
Hang in there. You're getting stronger and it can be seen in your posts. The best thing you can do now is get your a your kids life's together. Learn to live without him and do well. Teach your kids that strong people keep their promises and responsibilities. Show them the RIGHT way to be an adult. You can do this. Stay strong!
Hi Praying
D is definitely not the end of the world - just a piece of paper and it does enable you to rebuild easier I think. check out your local area for a divorce group. I'm in one now and it's only 6 weeks and it's free, one night a week. Well it was 5 dollars for the books, a really good deal and it has helped me tremendously. The book is "rebuilding when your relations ends" by bruce fisher - if you don't find a group i highly recommend the book. Job is right, you won't have to walk on eggshells any longer and your home is your own sanctuary once he is out. rearrange furniture, paint, change out pictures, i got rid of all reminders. now I enjoy coming home, i can eat what i want, when i want, i even sleep better. It's painful but you know that, actually the D wasn't painful to me so much, the BD was the worst and when he moved out, that was the worst possible day for me, but I knew if I could get through that first night, I would be fine and I did and each day I can heal a little more. Divorce day was just like any other day to me and now I can move forward and continue working on me. He thinks this will make everything better for him, he'll realize soon that it doesn't make anything better. this doesn't mean that someday he won't come out of this and want to start a new relationship, but you should go on "as if" that won't happen and focus on you and the kids and your new life. letting go is pretty difficult, like detaching, but it is something we all have to do for our own health. journal, journal, journal and I think it was bklynmom that mentioned listing things you're grateful for - that does help, I do that too, there are so many other people that are in worse positions than we are. We are so blessed in so many ways, focus on the positive and those blessings. we're all here for you (((hugs)))
Today is not a strong day.
He is talking to another lawyer this week (he didn't want to go with the distant friend). I know he wants to be friends and to be able to move past this soon.
I have been crying a lot today. I have been sad a lot today. I think too much and I look too far into the future.....which is causing a lot of my problems, I know.
He is talking to her a lot more now. 5-6 hours a night. He is planning out the terms of the divorce and getting ready to file. He has a job interview next Wed and he will more than likely get it since it is with his sister in law. He is already planning on his health insurance since once we are divorced he will have to leave mine.
This is real.
I just need to figure out how to come to acceptance in my life. Let him go on his journey and find happiness here in myself. I love him. I miss him. I want my kids to have their dad. I don't want different man to raise them. I don't want step kids. I don't want them to have a step mother. I hate my life and I hate my situation and I hate being sad and lonely. I hate missing him and I hate loving him. I hate everything about this.
My heart of full of sadness and hurt and pain. Even my moments of happiness are filled with regret because he's not here for them. I married for life. I married for better AND for worse. I married until death. Not until something better came along.
He has been in my life since 1999.... 15 years I have wanted him. I have always wanted him.
GA,
Breathe. Try to keep your focus on you and your children and the present...not the future. A lot can happen before the future gets here, but it's not in your control, so let it be.
I do understand where you are coming from and it's h@ll to be in limbo and possibly facing a divorce. Acceptance will come, but it's not going to happen any time soon. You have to go through the stages of mourning the loss of your marriage and it will take time to do so.
No one knows what the future holds. He may not remarry, you may find someone who is wonderful to you and your children, or you may opt to remain single. There is always a possibility that he could wake up and want to reconcile, but those are questions and answers that are in the future and the future has not been revealed to you or him at this time.
This journey is not something he chose to do. It's something that happened within him and again, it's not about you or your children. This is a painful, emotional journey for him and one that he can't describe to you except to say he has to do it, even if it's the wrong decision. I know that this isn't helping, but he would have been going on this journey whether he was married to you or to someone else. It's not YOU, it's HIM. There is something broken within him and you didn't break it, therefore, you can't fix it.
I know you are in pain and you are hurting terribly, but you must find a way to work thru that pain and hurt. Your children need you now more than ever. You are the only stable parent that they have right now and they need reassurances that everything will be okay.
GA, I'm very sorry you are having a terrible day today.
This is a painful, emotional journey for him and one that he can't describe to you except to say he has to do it, even if it's the wrong decision.
Job, he has said that to me before. He said he knows he is making the wrong decisions but he is going to make them anyway because something "up here" (him rubbing his head) is going on and it's like an itch he can't scratch.
I have had some strong days recently but today just hit me hard.
I miss the man he used to be. I know he is not that man right now. I love him so much.
I feel like I got what I was asking for. I always put the kids above all and now all have are the kids.
praying, I know your pain. Your children are gifts. For me, the kids are what keep me going.
I know your sadness. We did not want this, we did not choose this.
Look for a blessing of this day.
Thank you WBW. Today hurts. It hurts so bad.
My kids are the only things that keep me waking up and putting one foot in front of the other.
GA,
Please stop drinking his Kool-Aide. You didn't cause this problem and you certainly didn't shove him into his crisis. You didn't get what you deserved because you didn't create his mess. He did.
Your children are the most precious jewels in your tiara. Cherish them and love them because they will soon be all grown up and out on their own. Do not regret for one minute the time and love you gave your children. If your h had problems w/this, then he should have been a man and stepped up to the plate and had discussions w/you about it and not waited this long to up and decide he's not happy.
You didn't break him...you can't fix him. Keep your focus on you and the kids.
^^^^^^^^^
This. 100%. I heard the same thing. Take care Praying. It's not you.
Praying, I’ve been where you are. I was thinking too much about the future… I cried a lot… I missed H… Every step he took toward moving further away from (like having separate bank account, etc.) made me miserable and I was thinking that it was it, it was real… I could not accept what was happening, I didn’t not believe it… When I married him I thought it was forever… I could not imagine my life without him…
I know exactly what you are going through. Unfortunately there is not a fast way to get through this. It will get better. I think that being in denial kind of helped me to have some hope. I always thought that H would not find anybody better than me. And guess what, after almost 2 years, he doesn’t have anyone permanent.
Your H is in infatuation stage with OW. This is why he thinks that he is sure about what he is doing, he is moving on. He needs to go through it and learn that grass is not greener on the other side. It will take some time. There is nothing you can do right to stop him from wanting a D. And more you resist, more determined he will be. I always remind myself “In relationship, what you resist persists.” So, let him do the work.
Take care of yourself and come here to vent. We are here for you.
Thank you all... from the bottom of my heart.
I don't know why today has been so emotionally trying. Nothing triggered it and it isn't a special day or anything. Just a typical day doing day to day things with the kids.
I truly appreciate the support and the help you all offer. I know I have not had nearly the number of strong days vs weak days. I appreciate the pull you all have. You help bring me back to the present and ground my mind when it needs to be redirected.
I am still sad and I am still crying tonight but I know it will get better. I'm just going to let today be that day. The day where I need to cry and grieve. Tomorrow will be better....and the day after that and after that. One day, one hour, one foot in front of the other...
Praying -- Go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow -- a new day. It WILL be better than today! I'm having fewer of the bad ones and more good ones lately. That switch will happen for you, too, soon. I think I just finally got tired (after about 9 months) of feeling lousy all the time, because of him and his MLC. I wanted to feel happy again, so I got busy trying to make that happen on my own. You have 3 wonderful kids to keep you going - I do not have that blessing in my life. I can't tell you how many times I've read 'If it weren't for my kids, I'd never have made it through!' Hang in there...and no more Kool-Aide...
Praying - I'm just another in an unfortunately LONG line of people who have and are going through this too. Like you, I have had some terrible days lately where I cry for no apparent reason, it just happens, wells up out of the cavern where your heart used to be (a little dramatic, I know, but that's what it feels like, right?). Just go ahead and feel it, own it, let it out (when and where appropriate)because growth and strength will come. You may not see or feel it yourself, but from what you write here at this site we will all see it and tell you so. You are grieving, grieving for the man you once knew who now all of the sudden seems to have disappeared. Your heart breaks not only for your loss but for your children whose father is no where in sight.
So you keep those kids close to you - you need them, and more importantly, they need you! I, like LiveNow, don't have children to take comfort in or have as a reason to be strong and fight through this, but we and all the others like us will get through it as well. It's a long road, one none of us wants to be on, but sadly this was not our choice. At least we have each other to walk with.
Praying, you are not the reason for his insanity - it's from within him, he has demons he is fighting. Doesn't make it easier for you to know this, but even though he may not show it (which I'm sure he won't) he is in his own personal h@ll. So HE has to figure his way out. And you need to find the strength to take care of yourself so your kids have the anchor they need. Sorry it all has to fall on you right now, but for right now there is no other choice.
We are all here for you, and though it's sad to think of how many others there are in the world going through this pain and heartache, at least we have each other here on these boards. Truly a Godsend.
Now, go hug and kiss your kids, get some rest and see what tomorrow brings. Look for the small miracles in life, that flower blossoming in your yard or the neighbors yard, a hummingbird visiting a feeder, anything in nature - just stop and observe. See the little beautiful things that go on right before our very eyes even if only for a moment. It helps.
Hugs and love to you, Praying.
Hang in there praying!
You did not ask for any of this. Nothing you did or didn't do had anything to do with it. I too sometimes think "If only I'd _____ she wouldn't be doing this" but it's not so. Your putting the kids first didn't make this happen. If you were the PERFECT wife (and no one is perfect) he would still be doing this. Listen to what he says himself, it's ALL about HIM. Believe me I don't get how they can be SO selfish either but they are. I feel the pain in your words and relate. I waited until I was almost 30 to marry because I wanted to be sure I found the right person. I made sure before I married that person agreed that divorce WASN'T an option. Then after 20 years when you think you're safe, I get a wife who is having an MLC and it all falls down.
I know it's hard but try and hang in and take it one day at a time!
Thanks again everyone. Today is another day and while not quite so sad as yesterday, I am still kinda stuck. I will see him today since he comes here to stay with the kids when I work. He will be here tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night, and then leave Friday. Then I work the weekend so, yay, I get him here again Saturday night, Sunday, and Sunday night.
It's easier when I don't have to see him.
I have been spending the day ruminating on the idea of friends. We both miss the friendship we once had. He of course wants to be good friends, co-parents, etc. Is it better for me to suck it up, let him go, detach, accept my marriage is over (because even if it's not, the old one is), and have him in my life as a friend?
We were friends for a year before we started dating. We dated for 4 years before our wedding. He knows everything about me. He knows my fears, my thrills, my secrets, my families secrets....he knows my life. He knows me.
I pondered on the idea of who do I miss? Do I miss really miss my husband? I mean, for the last year or so we haven't really had a true marriage. I do my thing, he does his, we eat dinner and watch TV together at night. But no love, no "I love you", no cuddles, random intimacy, no hugs or kisses, not even in the same bed.....Friends living together, raising kids, occasionally sleeping together.
I DO want more from a relationship. I want to be loved and hugged and kissed and desired. I want to have that closeness that distinguished friends from couples. He does too. That's what he wants and he feels as though we couldn't have that back. I feel like we could be amazing lovers and spouses again now that we recognize what we are missing....but I can't make him want the same things when he is infatuated with the faux green grass of the single life.
All of that to say....
Do I want him in my life enough to embrace him as a friend or do I want him completely out of my life except for kid and check exchanges?
Do I miss my husband or the friendship we had as roommates?
So much going on in my head today.
Praying,
I'm glad to hear you are having a better day. In regards to friendship, I don't know if you can "decide" right now what that looks like. My h and always referred to each other as best friends-he even said that on his way out. He wanted to hang out with me, be best friends with me, yada, yada. I did not buy that then because I knew intuitively it just wouldn't work right now. And while I have done a good job with detaching, I could never in a billion years be friends with this man right now. Friendly, yes. For me, a big part of the foundation of friendship is trust. Do you trust your h right now?
Your h is still morphing. He is going further along his journey. I have no idea what will happen, however you may start to see behaviors and actions that make it difficult to be his "friend" right now. People in MLC have a tendency to get worse before they get better. That doesn't mean you are rude or cold, rather pleasant like speaking with a distant business associate. I think you may find as the days continue, it may be difficult to be "friends" with your h as he is not the man you once knew.
In regards to what you miss, it's possible that you miss both. Was your h a cheerleader for you? Did he compliment you frequently? Did he make you feel special? Obviously over such a long period of time, you have "inside" jokes and stories that only you share. Also, the person you experience the birth of a child with is one that cannot be put into words. The loss of those times is sad and hurtful. We all need a cheerleader and it never hurts to be your own cheerleader.
I think in time you will find what works best for you when interacting with your h. And I think you will find, those interactions may evolve over time. However, for now, do what is best for you. It will all come to you. My suggestion is don't "force" friendship. Your situation is still raw and you need to heal. Nothing has to be decided in regards to how you will interact with him over the course of time.
Hang in there:)
Well, I was having a better day. Then he comes to my house to watch the kids and bring divorce in a box with him... From Staples. He said we are going I fill it out and let our attorneys look it over then file.
I know it's just paper but it hurts so so deep right now. My soul is dying.
I'm sorry Praying. I don't know much about your situation, but I do know the hurt.
This is about him, not you. Your soul is not dying, his may be, but yours is just in a bit of shock right now. You don't need to rush through anything. Don't let him bully you into filling anything out.
Tell him you will look over the documents when you are ready and not a minute before.
Breathe and do whatever you need to do in order to regain some calm. Once it all sinks in, and some clarity shines through, it becomes easier to deal with. The initial WHAM! is the worst part and you just felt it.
Vent here. We've all been there.
Lots of love,
Heather
Divorce in a box? Is he serious? You have three kids together, this is not a case for "Divorce in a Box".
You have three kids' interests to look out for, do not fill out anything or sign anything without talking to your attorney. It's great if you can get H top agree to all your terms, but don't let him pull any fast ones on you. Lawyers are expensive but getting scr*wed in a bad divorce settlement is way MORE expensive.
Also _ I noticed you've been married ten years. If you were rounding up, do NOT let the divorce go through until it's been a full 10 years. It could affect your ability in the future to draw on Social Security in his name if you needed to (you have to have been married ten years). In fact, ten years is the magic number for a lot of things, so if you're just shy of that, figure out how to get to ten.
Does he expect you to help to fill out the paperwork? I would tell him to do it himself and when ready pass it on to you.
My H wanted to do this together online last year. I told him to just go ahead and do it, then bring it to me, so I could pass it to my attorney. He was surprised to hear about attorney and asked me if I already had one. I said no, but interviewed a few. He left and never heard the D word since then.
I agree with Heather, you need to rush anything. If you are not ready, you don’t have to do it right now.
I'm just going to let it go. I will get the papers and have my lawyer look them over then sign. There is no point in dragging this out. His mind isn't going to change and I am too too drained to fight. I just want my heart and my emotions back. I'm ready to move on from this fight. I'm tired.
It will all be done right. I will get what I deserve and the kids will be taken care of. No worries there. I'm just not going to drag it out any longer than it must be. I'm done. I hit the bottom and until I let go of this anchor I will remain here. I'm done hoping and praying and thinking. I'm done and he wins his freedom. I get the kids and a monthly "fat check" as he puts it. He can leave. He can walk away. I've had enough of this life. He wins. Divorce it is and then no more. I truly feel defeated and spent.
I know everyone here is looking out for us. I will not just roll over and let him off the hook. I will take care of the kids future. But my heart is tired. So I'm done.
To make it to 10 years would be middle of August and he won't wait that long.
GA,
Do a search on the net for divorces in GA (if that is where you are living). You need to discuss this matter with a lawyer as the state of GA is very easy to get a divorce in. He can file and be divorced in 30 days, if you don't respond. Now is the time to get your ducks in a row and be prepared for this action.
GA - I can relate, mine moved very fast and the divorce was final in 60 days. Make him do all the work, that will buy you some time. Once he gives you the papers, tell him thank you and that you are taking them to your attorney to look over. When I got the papers, there were things I wanted changed and he said just write it on there what you want and i'll have them changed. So I took a few days and wrote on there the changes and gave them back. That buys some time, then he has to take them back to the attorney to have new copies drawn up. I was even marking up typo's (yes there were a couple). So he gave me the papers back and then you have time before you sign. I think it depends on your state but you don't have to sign them right then, here it was like 30 days, but I took them to an attorney for review (free consultation!) she said they looked good and I was getting the most out of it (exH was feeling guilty I think and let me have everything basically just walking away). Like you - I thought there is no reason for me to delay this, I can't fix it, can't change his mind, i'm going to set him free so I signed right there on the spot. I was married over 10 years but that never even occurred to me. Since mid August is only 3.5 months away, you could easily move slowly on it. You can ask a lawyer if it really matters, they'll give you a free consult. If he/she says no, then follow your heart. If they say yes it matters then just move at a snails pace. It is just a piece of paper and I totally get the setting him free thing, but just make sure your bases are covered before rushing in.
Yes, drag it out to ten years. It might never make a difference;but imagine a scenario where he goes on to make a big six figure salary, while your earnings are limited by some family crisis. Waiting those three months would mean you could claim a larger social security check. Please talk to your attorney
And divorce in a box is out. He is going to have his lawyer draw up papers for me to review / revise with my lawyer.
Praying -hang in there
sometimes right around the corner after this part is over, will be your peace and new start
I agree with the others and you seem clear on it, to let the L do the work
They will be able to let us know what we are legally due from the M
I knew a good friend who trusted her x to draw up the papers himself
That was a huge mistake and she lost everything
MLCers can not be trusted ever!
Get a good L and yes L can drag things out..they will know what is best for you
Praying, sounds like you have a lawyer?? I agree with everyone else about trying to make that 10 year mark. Sure made me wonder if my H knew of that and purposely waited since I've contributed way more to Social Security than he has.
Anyway, it's a valid thing to shoot for if you can hold him off that long. And just because he is in a hurry (does he say why??)you don't have to accommodate him . It's really an insult when they act like their lives are so inconvenienced when you're the one who's life has taken a turn you didn't want! So selfish, but that's what they are all about. It just irks me that one of the two parties in this thing can just unilaterally change the life of another human being who has had their children and was depending on that person to see it through the end with each other as stated in their vows. What the h@ll good are vows if you can so easily break them.
Sorry, didn't mean to go on a tirade. I just feel so bad for you and all of us going through this. It stinks.
Like you've heard from others, this is not about you - he's being an idiot, can't see the forest for the trees. And for that you can feel sorry for him. It's pitiful, but don't you let him push you into signing or doing anything that could jeopardize you and your kids financially.
I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Keep posting when you can....
(((())))
I'm with you there about the vows. In my case it's my W that seems to have decided that they were just a bunch of pretty words. As for me I NEVER took ANYTHING more serious in my life and it was just compounded when we had kids together. I remember working over the years with so many men who just thought nothing of breaking their vows and never understood that. I never in a million years would have broken mine and of course never thought she would either. It's the unfairness that in most of our cases the WAS has been acting out for some time before B-day and we have not only put up with it, we have tried our best to somehow help them or "fix" the things they all seem to say we are guilty of and they don't even want to put any effort in at all!
So proud of you for being a great a mom to your kids.
Your kids are so lucky. Stay strong, this is so hard
thinking of you GA. really Aug is not that far away. Look over the papers with your L when YOU have the time. You have three kids to take care of. They come first. I know the feeling of wanting to be done and move forward myself.
Thank you everyone. I know it has been a few days. I have just been trying to live. Getting used to not having him around. Figuring out what's going to happen once the divorce is final. He said he will let me know when the lawyer is ready to make the next move.
Things have been friendly between us. We are talking just a bit more...which, if I am honest, has been good for me. I feel less abandoned. Less like I lost my entire world. Just a little give from him has made this just a little better.
Here are some musings I sent to a friend tonight...and a big even that happened to me emotionally:
I am okay with our marriage being over. I understand it an accept it. I just miss him. If we could be friends and he still be a great dad then I would be even better with this. Any possible future has to start with friends anyway. I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently. I see that we have really just been friends with benefits while raising kids together. I just want my friend back...and maybe later we will fall in love again.
Anyway,
Today he showed me a side that you all said was coming. That side that everyone says they become someone we don't know or like. This weekend I work both Saturday and Sunday nights. I also worked Wed and Thursday nights. He is supposed to watch the kids when I work. He comes to my house to watch them since he only has a room and a bathroom with his brother. They miss him so much. The youngest (2 years old) cries when she wakes up and can't find him. She is young but she knows.
Wednesday he had his parents stay the night with him at my house so he could go to school Thursday while I slept. So, my oldest tells me he was on his phone all night Wed night. Thursday he spends 6 hours at school working on a project that his group has been working on for over 2 weeks. And yes, his 'friend' is in his group. Thursday night I was flexed off work so he decided not to stay and went back to his brother's. So he spent little to no time with the kids.
Saturday morning he calls to apologize for missing the kids call Friday night. I ask what his plans were for them this weekend and he tells me he is going out with his friends to dinner. So, again, he is choosing his school friends over his kids. I ask him why he decided to do dinner on his night with the kids and he says it was last minute. He said he knows it is selfish but he is going anyway. He said he will try not to plan anything like this again.
His parents (again) come to watch them. He leaves the house at 7:30 and told me he would be home with the kids by 11. So, I call them at 11 to tell them goodnight and they say that H isn't home yet so Grandma and Grandpa are spending the night.
Why is this man shoving his kids to the side?? This breaks my heart. H ends up getting home around midnight. Tomorrow (Sunday) he says he is staying home with them but he has to study for his final on Monday morning.
So, in talking with my friend (who, by the way, has read DB and is going through something similar), I say this....
Okay, breathe. So, he went out. At least the kids were in the care of someone I know and trust. They were happy, fed, and cared for. They were not crying for him and they were fine when he returned. Perspective. As long as he gets someone I know and trust to watch them then I need to let it go. If they start crying and begging him not to go then I will have to reconsider this stance. I just need to start learning to live with my new life and the new person he is becoming. Expect less, feel less disappointed.
Timing wise, it seems as though he left the restaurant after I text him asking if he was home. I already knew he wasn't but wanted to see what he would say. He said "Grandma said they were watching Frozen and going to sleep..." Then he called me 40 min later to tell me they were going to sleep.
Anyway, I am rambling and I ma probably making no sense to you all.
And now I am going to post something that may be 100% wrong but it happened and it caused a turning point in my life this week. Please, I beg you to be gentle with any 2x4 or truth darts you may throw. Here is a journal entry I wrote....
Short story: He finally realized that I am lonely and sad....not angry and vindictive. He hugged me, I cried, he said he's sorry, he didn't realize what I was going through.
Things will be okay sooner than later.
Things were going south fast....again....I stopped and told him I have no one in my life that has just sat and held me while I cried. No one. Every one is so negative and angry and pushing me to get angry and hate him. I told him I have lost my best friend and I am alone in this right now.
He stopped and said "well [censored]." He came through the gate and sat down next to me. He held me while I sobbed into his chest. I cried and he held me harder. He told me he understands now. He was sorry he didn't get it but now he does and he is sorry.
We talked for a bit. We laughed. We hugged again. I told him I understand why he feels like he does. I am not trying to hold him here and force him to be with me. I am going to give him the divorce but I need some time and more softness. He said he was sorry and he appreciates my words. I told him how proud I am of him and that I still love him.
He said thank you and that he knows I am a good person and the perfect person for his kids. He said he is sorry for being so cold recently, he didn't know what I was going through.
He said he just wants to see what else is out there because he wasn't happy here....he was comfortable but not happy. He said he could stay if I wanted him to but he would just be going through the motions and that I deserved better.
You know, I get that. I always thought it would happen anyway. I hope he will be back one day. But if he's not then I hope we can have a friendship and a mutual love for one another that will carry us to the grave.
He said one day he would like to see where we go in this world. If we end up back here, he would like to try dating again.
I told him all I wanted was him to be a good father. To be here for his kids or to be involved when he wasn't 'here'. If he could just make them a priority then I would be happier.
We left off with us hugging and agreeing to keep this convo between us. We agreed to work with the lawyers to ensure everyone is taken care of in the correct ways. He agreed to be more compassionate and softer in his attitude towards me.
I told him I couldn't handle the negativity, distrust, paranoia, and borderline hate that surrounded my life anymore. I know everyone is trying to be helpful and to make me stronger but I cannot sit here in my black cloud of negativity any longer. Every person in my life has a story about a divorce gone bad. No one I know has had a positive divorce story. Everyone keeps telling me he is going to lie, cheat, leave, abandon, etc and I am scared.
It was all very comforting and very good for me. He said the same as well. We both know things will be difficult at times but we both have a positive divorce in mind. We both want to move forward with good motives and intentions. We are trying to form a 'friendship' that can work for now so that our kids and our psyche come out intact.
I finally feel a small space of peace in my life. I am still sad. I am still regretful of losing this...but I'm not angry and I'm not bitter. I understand his feelings and his reasons. I even agree with a fair portion of them.
I am still in love with him and I would still welcome another relationship with him. But not now. We both need this time to explore the world around us.
I cannot control this situation. I cannot save my marriage right now....but I can keep my best friend in my life. I am going to miss him so much but I know that this way he will always be with me in some form.
There is still pain but it's different. It's the kind of releasing pain. I think I am finally letting go of that rope.
This morning it was so bad. I was sobbing so hard my chest hurt. My face hurt my head was throbbing. Divorce papers were on my kitchen table and he was asking me what I was trying to accomplish but refusing to let this go. I hated my life so much this morning. I hated him and I hated to be *here*. My mind was dark....so dark. Images of what I could do. Hate. Anger. Pain.
It was so bad.
I just wanted him to SEE me. To SEE where I was. To SEE the woman he had spent 14 years with and what he was doing to her....and he refused.
That moment when he finally realized. When he said "Well [censored]" and walked into this living room. It was the most powerful moment of these last 2 1/2 months. He stopped seeing his enemy and saw me again and it changed.
He still has so very far to go in his journey. But I finally feel like I have taken the first step in mine.
^^^That all happened Thursday afternoon before he left to go home.
Praying,
No 2x4s. You did what you felt was necessary and now it's time to move forward. In regards to the kids, perhaps your h remains a good dad. Who knows? I do know that it's not your job to facilitate that relationship. I wouldn't bother reiterating that you want him to be a good dad again. I know it's horrible to see your kids suffer, but your job is not to protect your h. Please remember that actions have consequences. And your h must own all that goes with his.
I know this is easier said than done, however I encourage you not to focus on whether you and h remain friends. Honestly, all you can do is control you and be pleasant. It really is his journey to walk....and all that goes with it.
Be kind to yourself.
I don't have any 2x4s for you either. You said what you needed to say and now you continue to move forward. There's no need to continue to remind him about being a good dad. No one knows how is journey will affect everyone, but we can hope and pray that it will not be too destructive along the way. The relationship he has w/his children will be between them and you can't protect your h. Whatever happens, he will need to own his actions and understand that there will be consequences for such actions.
Georgiabelle's posting is spot on and says it all.
I know know and I agree with you.... Everything you said. I do feel like what happened has shifted the balance of this sitch to something more bearable. It may just be for now but at least it's somewhat easier to manage life. One step at a time.
I still love him and man do I still miss him. But I'm getting divorced. And this is going to change my world. I still play to have my husband back one day. Until then, I have to let him go.
You are doing great praying. This is so so hard. I think its harder then dealing with a death in the family.
At some point we all hope it clicks for them to see what wonderful moments with their kids they are missing out on. They will not get this time back.
I will pray for your H - he is insane.
People keep telling me I'm doing so good with this. People at work can't believe I am handing it so well. I don't feel like I'm doing anything well. I'm a mess on the verge of tears most of the day.
What choice do I have but to put on a brave face and keep going? I am getting a divorce. My husband no longer wants me. I have to either keep going or lose it completely... And I have three kids that are keeping that from happening.
I am sad tonight. Things were fine today. He spent the day with the kids. But I know he is leaving again tomorrow morning and I am sad.
So sorry GA. I feel your pain. I know where you are as I have been there myself. Yesterday was the first big ceremony of my D'a HS graduation. She went to a private school and they have many traditions including last night where the Sr.'s "Ascend" from students into full adults. My D wore a beautiful outfit with hat and gloves and I was so proud. My W and I sacrificed so much to keep her in this school. She went through a hard period and almost didn't make it and there she was, up there and becoming an adult.
Where was my W? She was sitting 3 seats away and ignoring everything I said to her, getting short with me when I didn't read her mind about what to take a picture of or when, etc. I had dreamed about this day for so long. I should have been sitting there with the woman I worked so hard with, sacrificed so much with to get here. We should have been bonding over the thought that we, together, helped our D get to this place and loved each other all the more for it. Instead, I have this selfish woman who still is letting our youngest think she will be able to go to this school, sat there while she said "I can't wait until I get to do this" knowing that her choice to be on her own and single again at 47 means she won't be able to go there. It broke my heart!
Be careful right now about the friendship thing. You are still raw and still from what I can see from your post, buying into this somehow being your fault for not being "good enough" of a S. This just isn't true. This isn't about you! I too, can't understand the selfishness I see from a person who was so dedicated to her family for so long. It isn't going to stop because they see or understand your pain. If they did they would have to see that THEY are the cause of the pain. All they care about right now is THEM!Do you really want a friendship with someone who will always put you last on their list?
I know you are hurting and how hard this all is, believe me. But you need to try as best as you can to detach from the feelings you have for him right now. The person who you love as gone away. Maybe someday they will come back but don't let your feelings allow him to take advantage of you in the D. Take your time, make sure you get all you should.
"I just don't want to be married to you anymore."
It's just that simple.
When all I want to do is wrap myself around him and tell him that I love him. When the depth of my love for him would startle him. When I would give my everything to show him how amazing our life could be. When I am in love with a man who doesn't love me.
Lots of crying today. Strong days this week. Tonight is not. I am getting divorced from a man I love. I miss him... My friend, my husband, my partner. I miss him.
someone told me once to think why is this happening FOR me instead of why is this happening TO me.
I know exactly how you feel. I also know that I am awesome mom to my children and even though my d is now in the works, it has not destroyed me. Yes, I too feel the sadness. I know though that I can feel the same intensity of joy.
someone told me once to think why is this happening FOR me instead of why is this happening TO me.
Yes, I too feel the sadness. I know though that I can feel the same intensity of joy.
Wow... I love both of those snippets. I am going to copy them to my note pad for future reference. Thank you.
Praying,
newbie here, so I'm sorry if I don't have any useful advice. Just - thinking of you and sending you big hugs. Stay strong!
Well, the kids are now taking a true backseat to his life. :-(
I have worked the last two nights. He (again) left them at my house with his parents on Wed night. He says that it was so the kids can get used to being home all night with just his mom. I agree, that is important since she will take care of them once he leaves for the Navy. However, he didn't show back up until 2:30 the next afternoon. He said he spent the day working on stuff for his job (he was just hired yesterday). However, once he got to my house he went upstairs doing exactly those thigns he said he had spent the day doing. Lies.
The kids saw him after 5pm yesterday. He did stay with them alone tonight. So, basically, when I work two nights in a row, he skips night 1 and most of the day then sees them night two and leaves as soon as I get home that morning. :-(
My heart hurts for them. They miss him so much. He says I am making it a bigger deal more than they are...they are happy with Grandma. And he is right about that, they do love their Grandma....but they love him as well. Next week I am taking the oldest to a meet in another state. He originally said he would stay with the youngest. My son said that if Daddy was watching them he wanted to stay home but if Grandma is watching them then he wants to go. H said he may have something else to do that night so he is just going to plan on his mother watching them. Why?? Your son is ASKING to stay with you and you are going to tell him no.
For 8 years now he has been such an amazing dad. He was everything I ever wanted in a father for my kids. They were his world just as much as they are mine. Now they are 3rd in his life behind his friends and his own wants.
He finally got a job but it is only prn (as needed). So he could work full time or not all one week. He also told them he couldn't start until after his trip with his Dad in June...so another month of no income from him.
I honestly don't know how I want to see this end. He is changing almost daily. He is selfish and callous and cold. He is pushing for this divorce to be complete as soon as the ink touches paper. He is willing to give me anything I want if it will get my signature.
I don't want to be married to him anymore. I don't want to hang onto this dream world any longer. He will get his divorce after I have hired an attorney to cover my side of this. He is free to go. I am done. All I wanted was for him to be a good dad and that isn't happening. This is not the man I married...the father my kids have known...the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be loved and wanted and cherished. I want my kids to be important to the father in our lives. We all deserve better than he is giving us.
His brothers have loaned him the money for the divorce. This hurts. I know family stands behind family but I am not a cheater or an abuser. There is no need to rush this stupid piece of paper and it does hurt that they are helping him out so much. Why can he borrow money for a divorce but not to help me out with groceries? He has given me $100 in the last 3 weeks. He is living with his brother for free, his other brothers are paying for his divorce and loaning him money for gas, food, etc. He is living off of everyone around him...putting off jobs so he can go on a week long vacation. Putting off his kids so he can go do what he wants to do.
Why should I want to be with this man? What does he have to offer me? History, memories, and a dna connection to my children....that is all we share now. No love, no connection, no happiness, no kindness. There is nothing here for me anymore and I deserve way more than he can offer.
Hi Praying,
I know many of us can relate. We hate to see our children suffer and that is where it is so difficult. We don't want them to suffer, so we shield and comfort them as much as possible. Remember that your h must own that relationship with his kids.
Sorry-mini hijack coming. I know it is so difficult to believe we married this person. It's almost ludicrous to think this is the same man, right? When I see my h, I cannot believe this is the man who went to every prenatal appointment with me and slept in my room the entire time after my 3 c-sections. This same man whose top priority is spending time with his gf who is a college student 45 minutes away. But it is him. I think my point is, after a time, it is still incomprehensible. However, the shock and feeling of "is this true?" lessens after a time.
I think I've shared before that I didn't know people blew up their families this way. I'm rather worldly and have travelled a great deal, but I didn't know that people just left marriages because "they didn't want them to work" or they " just wanted to date other people.." I've seen many divorces, affairs , high conflict marriages, etc. I've seen many people work through affairs. I know affairs are generally always a part of this. I don't know. I think after BD, I was shocked but still *knew * my h would want us to work because divorce wasn't an option. That was a big deal to both of us as his parents have been together 47 years and mine were 51 until my dad 'a unexpected death last. My h says I'm never wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong in my thinking.
You will be okay. As a matter of fact, you will and can be fantastic. Your children will be okay. Mine will be doing the divorce care sessions when they start up in August. Focus on you and the kids. Just let him go. Easier said than done.
Hug your kids a few extra times this weekend. You will both appreciate it.
I feel like I am moving closer to the okay side of life. I still love him and I miss him...I miss the him from last year though, not this person pretending to be my husband. I know I will still cry when the papers are served, when the papers are signed, and when the papers are filed. But, I also know that I will have a sense of release when it is done.
Hang in there praying!
I know the feeling of thinking how could someone that you love so much and had loved you back for so long, suddenly just not care or even want your love. It doesn't help when all around us we hear the platitudes about "You only get the love back that you're willing to give" and such but there, right in front of us, is this person we love so darn much and they just don't care. Hard, I know. I think that what made me really understand that this wasn't about me was when my W went from saying she would never put her kids through the pain of D like she went through as a child to "We all all hurt our kids, they'll get over it".
If it truly was about the M, then they wouldn't also turn their backs on the kids as well, no matter how "bad" they thought the M! I know how the sitch with the kids hurt's so badly. I have 2 girls, one who, at 14, really needs her mother there to help her transition into the woman she is becoming but can't count on her mom at all. I also can relate about the in laws "helping" him when the last thing he needs right now is someone 'helping" him do all the wrong things (in my case it's FIL).
If showing them how much we loved them and cared about them was the answer, most of us here would easily get through this and have great M's. Try to see that if it was really about you or your M he would still be the great dad he was before. Try to stop being "shocked" or upset when he does things like not care about his son's wanting him to go to his meet (something I also am still trying to stop doing so I know how hard it is!).
The best thing for both of us right now is to detach from our S and expect nothing. Make sure you get the best possible terms for yourself and your kids if he insists on going forward with a D. Try to see that he is no longer the loving dad and husband you remember, that person is gone and may never return (I know how hard that is, believe me)and in his place is this selfish stranger who you need to protect yourself and your kids from. One good thing about his going into the Navy is that he won't be able to get out of paying to support his kids so make sure he pays his fair share in any D.
I know you're hurting now but I can tell you are a good person with much to offer the people in your life and the world at large. You WILL come through this and when you do, you will see that you were the prize all along and if your H couldn't see this he is all the poorer for it. Some day he may come out of his MLC fog and realize just how much pain and damage he caused the people who loved him the most in this world. When that happens you won't be the person you are now but a better one whom HE will need to prove HIS worth and value to before you let him back into your life! Until then, know you aren't alone and we all are here and rooting for you.
Checking in on you Praying - how are you doing?
Hope you're doing ok, Praying. I just realized, your BD and the day I found out about OW are the same date. Boy, that was a lousy day, wasn't it? Sheesh. Oh, and it's the same date That TL's H moved out. Wow, that was REALLY a bad day. Better days are to come for all of us, of that I am certain.
Hey, sorry I disappeared for a bit. I have decided to no longer be a stander. Since we are trying to do things 'nicely', he emailed me a preliminary copy of the papers. Nothing signed, served, official yet but just for me to get an idea of what they will say. He and his 21 year old are dating. From what I hear, her parents are questioning her about their relationship (she lives with them and he picks her up for dates).
It's really no big deal to me anymore. I am fine with the divorce. I have realized there is SO much I miss from a good marriage. There is so much I want and he has never given. We were not truly compatible and he isn't willing to make the effort for us to become closer.
So, that's it. I'm no longer attempting to save the marriage. I am letting him go and I am going my way as well. It is what it is.
I TRULY appreciate everyone on this board. You all are amazing people and I don't know where I would be without you.
GA,
I hope that you will continue to past as you are still going to need support for a while.
There is nothing wrong w/deciding not to be a stander. You are the only one that can decide when you've had enough of the madness that is created by someone in crisis.
Letting go is very liberating and you will find that your focus will be more on yourself and what you require to be happy.
You are going to be just fine. One day at a time, one step at a time.
He and his 21 year old are dating. From what I hear, her parents are questioning her about their relationship (she lives with them and he picks her up for dates).
Wow. I have an almost 20-yr-old D. That's my pretty much my worst nightmare.
I'm going through the dissolution process too. I finally initiated things after two years of nothing from my H. I'm having the same revelations about our marriage in terms of what I deserved and what I got.
Hang in. Listen Job's advice. One foot in front of the other.
edit the first like to read "I hope that you will continue to post as you are still going to need support for a while."
I hope you keep posting too - it's still good for support and you'll need it since you have children and will have contact with your MLC'er. I'm letting go of the rope too Praying. I have not shut the door but I wouldn't call it standing either. I'm rebuilding without him and discovering there's a whole world out there. I felt kind of weird about posting here since he divorced me and this is a divorce busting site but it doesn't change the fact that he's in MLC and the people here are the only ones that understand.
hope to hear from you
TL, please keep posting! You are really helpful to all of us and are an inspiration! Praying, Please keep us in the loop. We ALL really care about you and want to know how things are going and to hear about how you are doing! You WILL not only be OK, you will be great! You tried and you are a great mother.Hang in there and keep us informed!