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So it's Easter. Two years ago on Easter I remember posting on this board and sitting in my mother's bedroom crying my eyes out. Now I am doing the same thing only I'm in my own bedroom. And it makes me wonder...has anything changed at all?
I was chatting with a friend last night. She was telling me about all the guys she Sid dating and she didn't know what to do about them. There are three or four guys she is dating at once plus she was for a time considering getting back together with her ex. I kept thinking what is wrong with me? Is there something wrong with me? I'm not dating. I don't really know how to go about dating. I'm just starting to get back Ito the social scene. I'm not even divorced yet. But others tell me I may as well be.
Why is it after two years I haven't let go of the fact that my husband is in this huge love affair with another woman? He is a completely different person. I don't really want him anymore. Why is it still upsetting me? I thought I had come to terms with it all. It hurts more when I don't have the kid's for sure
I feel like an idiot for even being sad about this whole thing. It's been two years but it still doesn't feel real at times. I am really wondering if I have changed and grown at all.
Or maybe it's just a bad day and I still feel like crap?
Happy Easter peeps (pun definitely intended).
WH
WH,
Please breathe! Please do not compare yourself and your situation w/others, especially your friends. Your situation may not be the same as your friend's. You just moved out of your home in January and are just now getting back on your feet. You aren't divorced and you are having to claw your way along w/finances. Now, does that sound like someone who should be dating? No! You need to get your life in order and back on track. You are still very much focused on your h and reacting to his drama. When the ink is dry and you are more stable w/your finances and yes, more settled in your home and rediscover the person you once were, then I would venture forth into the new world and begin thinking about dating. Right now, in my personal opinion, you aren't ready emotionally or mentally.
Letting go takes time and you can't put a time limit on it. It will be a gradual exercise and one day, you'll discover that you have. Right now, there's still so much churning in that butter churn that the butter can't be made in the way of drama. Of course it hurts more when the kids aren't there. Why? Because your focus is actually then on you and you think about it and discuss it w/others. When the children are there, your focus is on them.
Today is Easter, go to church and if you have the opportunity to see the children, do it. If not, find something to do even if it's visiting a nursing home to see the folks there. They would love to have a ray of sunshine grace their presence.
Life isn't waiting...get out there and do something besides sitting in your place having a pity party.
Wishing,Hoping
There is no magic bullet. This is hard stuff. I firmly believe that a well lived life is the best revenge. But......it takes some time, at times you need to force yourself onward. Its part of being a human being.
I say this a lot. Give yourself a break. What I think you find out in this journey that no one will love you as much as you should love yourself. Be kind to self, reflect when you go through those times that are tough.
I am divorced. Its been roughly 4 yrs since bomb day. I think about it less and less as time goes by. I think your body and mind heal themselves at their own pace. I can say 4 years down the road now, that life is pretty good. It was a struggle at times and yes I would have preferred to stay married.
So, it does get better, especially if you have the intent to make it so. It does take some action on your part.I think your further along then what you give yourself credit for. again, be kind to yourself. its ok to feel sad. I would say at the two year point I was similiar to you. I think most if they were being honest would say the same. Its a difficult process moving on from a lenghly relationship you were really invested in.
Create a nice Easter day for yourself.
Mirage
Thanks everyone.
Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself today. Knee deep in emotion. I didn't go to church because I feel horrible and I can't expose anyone in a nursing home to whatever bug I have.
So the kid's came by this morning for about an hour. So they foundtheir baskets right away and I wanted to enjoy the kid's but H wanted to talk. Again.
So H asked me how I thought things went Friday. I deferred to ask him how he thought things went. He said he is tired if dealing with my attorney and will do this "used car salesman" stuff no more. I asked H what that meant. He said he is demanding we go to financial mediation. I said that was pointless and I wasn't paying for it. He said the courts would order it. He said my attorney was wasting my money. He showed me paperwork that the courts have quashed the subpoena and he also said the contempt charges were a waste of time. He said if I do not agree to financial mediation he would push this to trial.
H also showed me a email correspondence between him and his ex-attorney where she inferred that my attorney must think that I am an absolute idiot and am incapable of having a conversation with H. Apparently this attorney is the one who told H that he could take the full amount of maintenance and divide it by 3 which my attorney said was ridiculous.
So my optimism has turned sour. I don't even know what to think. Now H's ex-attorney is encouraging him on. I don't know what to do!!
I emailed my attorney. Of course H always pulls this crap on the weekend. It's all drama making but I'm sick of it.
So I get the kid's back on Friday. The kid's were sad to go back to their dad's. Of course OW was there with kid's in tow. Big happy family.
WH
I'm sorry you aren't feeling well today...but...why do you continue to have conversations about the settlement w/your h? These subjects should be directed to your lawyer and not to you. If your h had a lawyer, that person would be negotiating w/your lawyer. As for him being in contact w/his former lawyer...trust me...he's paying for the guidance, just as you are.
Trust your lawyer because he knows what he's doing. Your h is trying to sway you over to his way of thinking by pulling out that conversation again today. Time for him to get off the soap box and stop the used car saleman stuff. Oh, yes, he's still doing it even today. He's not going to stop planting the seed in your brain that your lawyer is pulling the wool over your eyes until you finally agree w/him.
If it goes to trial, so be it. It might be the best thing to happen because then he will finally stop w/all of the bait and switch bs he loves to pull on you. He's no friend of yours because if he were, he would be working w/you to end this mess here and now.
Learn to cut the conversation short and advise him to contact your lawyer to discuss the situation. Time to set your boundaries and not allow this man to ruin each and every holiday and time you have w/your children.
Again, he's planting seeds in your mind to make you anxious and nervous about what may or may not transpire. He really is very good at being a salesman. What a con artist! Just remember, he's not looking out for your best interests...but he is looking out for himself and himself only.
Stop listening to him! He's not a friend.
I know Job. I know. But it ticks me off to think we are so close to being done and now he threatens to take it to trial.
H hates my lawyer and wants nothing to do with him. I am also p*ssed that this lawyer assumes my lawyer thinks I am an idiot.
H comes over in the guise of discussing the kids or dropping off the kid's. I cut the conversation short. Trust me.
I will let my attorney handle it.
WH
Hi WH-
I don't post too much anymore, but I do check in on you from time to time.
Compared to the length of time you had with your h, two years is a short amount of time to not hurt anymore. I think there can be a double whammy when there's kids involved... There's our hurt from the m ending, then their hurt from the family unit breaking apart, hurting us even more. It's a lot to deal with.
He may be different now, but you once loved him. It's okay to mourn that man, that relationship.
I hope your day gets better. Maybe plan something special to do with the kids when you get them back.
Thinking of you today
And PS... The only used car salesman I smell is your h
WH,
Don't ever assume that his lawyer has had a discussion w/him about you being an idiot. It just might be that his lawyer thinks that he is the idiot and is enjoying getting money out of him for being a reference to him. Trust me when I say this....lawyers know when they have the "big fish" and will get lots of money from them. They know when the "big fish" is having crisis because of the way their behavior. His on again/off again lawyer is enjoying sticking to him.
He doesn't like your lawyer because he's not backing down to your h's idle threats. WH, it just might be to your advantage to call his bluff and take it to trial. If he finds that you are more than willing to do this, he just might back down. You have to remember that he's playing the bully on the playground right now and the only way to get what he wants is to make threats. If he can't get what he wants one way, he's going to try another. Your attorney knows how to make the playing field even and I don't think your lawyer is going to allow your h to bully him any more than necessary. I certainly wouldn't want to go up against your lawyer.
Bottom line...don't believe on word he tells you about what his lawyer has said about you or your lawyer. Your h is the idiot here.
I am sorry that H is still playing games with you. Don't believe what he said that his lawyer said, it is most likely a lie. In due time your H will get what he has reaped. I just hope when it happens to my H - I am there to see it. I am not the only one he has lied to - he has lied to some pretty heavy guns people. I am not sure how long he can get away with that.
Don't worry if you have a bad moment or day. Allow yourself it, it is part of healing. The reality is if your m had not gone like this you still would feel like crap today because you are sick. Think of it that way. Don't let your ex own your day.
Good luck with H the Maroon. Post often. We are all here for you!
Thanks again everyone.
H just waves this email printout in my face and the papers from the court that my attorney's subpoena has been quashed. He is just such a pompous jerk.
I know H is just trying to get my goat again. My lawyer has him in a corner and he doesn't like it. So he resorts to threats. But I'm sick of threats. I just want it done. I was so hoping we were getting close. I'm more upset to think we have gone backwards in negotiations.
I am so angry I could scream!!!
WH
WH,
I am thinking of you today.
I have been right where you are - thinking it was all about to be done, then seeing XH renege on his agreements and seemingly 'win' in regards to settlement.
They have to do it this way, these guys who show such a pattern to their behaviour in mlc. They can't agree to anything we offer, or let us win in any way. They will go to trial rather than agree with us about anything.
Keep handing it over to your L, and know that this will be over, eventually.
It's weird and pathetic that these WASs go on like this, but it is just what they do.
My L described my XH as "clearly unhinged".
Is there something you can focus on in terms of moving your life forwards? Doesn't have to be H-related... any sort of change or project you can throw yourself into to make you realise that you are achieving something new?
I have bursts where I re-arrange the house, plant stuff out, investigate my financial options, paint walls, repair things, etc. Shows me I'm actually moving on, and makes me feel so much better.
And re your comment: "I feel like an idiot for even being sad about this whole thing. It's been two years but it still doesn't feel real at times. I am really wondering if I have changed and grown at all."
If it helps at all, I feel just the same. I think what we're feeling must be normal for what we've gone through.
Thanks NLW.
There is still just a part of me that still falls for his dam gaslighting. I should know better right? How many times has he threatened me and it's all been for naught? H knows I still have that bit of doubt from being tossed out of my house. He plays on that.
I miss the kids so much. It feels so wrong not to have them with me. I still am not feeling well. And that doesn't help.
I don't know how much else I can endure? It's got to end sometime right?
WH
Yes, it will end sometime. Meanwhile, just let your lawyer handle this. I don't see how you can mediate with someone like your h. Going to trial might be your best option to get this done. Maybe with a reasonable offer from you on the table, and you being obviously willing to go to trial, he'll cave.
Please dont beat yourself up at all for it taking time. This is a trauma.
Not only is it a trauma but then the gas lighting that comes along with it really can make someone insane.
People on the outside dont understand what we have gone through. Its really hard.
They need to find ways to blame you and to make any actions you take evil. No matter what you do they will turn it into something malipulative or angry.
you seem to have a really good lawyer. Trust him.
Also when your kids get home, where they belong you will all of a sudden feel better
I don't know WHY H insists on dragging this out when there is NOTHING to drag out. We have child support, maintenance, and the credit card. Period. This is NOT worth going to trial over. There is NOTHING to financially mediate.
He drags this stuff out for the drama factor and then turns it on me that I am dragging it out. But once this is over, there is nothing more between H and I. Nothing except child exchanges. My mom thinks maybe he is dragging this out not only to "win" but because he also realizes that when this is over there is nothing holding him back to belonging to OW. And maybe something inside doesn't want that to happen? I don't know if that is true, but H made his bed, now he can lie in it.
The thing that H kept mentioning over and over was the fact that my attorney wants us to "ante up" every 4 months so that any money he has made over his base amount can be acknowledged and rectified. H wants to do this once a year. Surely so he can have more time to hide the money if needed. My attorney said my kids should not be deprived of that money for any longer than necessary. And I agree.
H also made a mention that the social worker told him specifically that she saw no reason whatsoever why we shouldn't have 50/50 placement of the kids. I don't believe him. Number one, the social worker would NEVER tell him that. She never made any mention of it to me. Number two, H lies. All the time. Number three, if that is true, then why did he make an agreement with me to give me the kids 8/6? I don't trust him or believe any words that come out of that miserable mouth. He just annoys me. I wish he would just leave me alone and get this done.
I know it is all to wear me down. Like a two year old who wants a new toy. And H knows I am out of money. That's another part of it. But if I am out of money, he can't be far behind.
WH
So, why not push to have this settled and get on w/your life? It's time to push this to the max and do not let up on him. In a way, your mother is correct...but I am going one step further. Once everything is settled, he will no longer have any control over you and he will not be able to come up w/idle threats about money or the children. In a very sick way, he's losing control over you and the situation and yes, he's even losing the one last thread that binds you together. I don't think that he ever thought it would go this far in his own sick little mind, but his actions have pushed you off the mountain and now, he's got to take care of himself and the ow.
A lot of them will drag their feet even when there is nothing else to settle, but in the end, we have to be the ones to do the final pushing to end it.
As for what your h keeps saying about your attorney, tell him to pack sand. He doesn't know what he's talking about and when he gets his law degree, then you'll listen to what he has to say. He's using every tactic to get you to listen and trust him, not your lawyer. Your lawyer is right about one thing...your children shouldn't be deprived of the money no longer than necessary. In fact, many people who have children divorce and I have never heard of a lawyer wanting to "ante up" every 4 months. If anything, once the divorce and child issues are resolved, they are than happy to wish you well and move on to other cases. Now, if they are ambulance chasers or money grubbing lawyers who know what they are dealing w/when it comes to crazy making, then yes some of them will do it. But those who know their clients and know that they are trying to do the right thing, you shouldn't have to contact them again once everything is settled, unless, of course, you want to spend money.
So, whatever he's telling you about your lawyer, get your sand bucket out and pack it w/sand and the next time he mentions anything about your lawyer, hand him the filled bucket and tell him to figure it out.
No more discussions w/him about your lawyer because all it's doing to you is driving you nuts.
You are correct, Job. H hates hates hates my lawyer. HATES. He will stop at nothing to get me to dump my lawyer. And why on earth would I dump him? He's done a good job thus far.
I don't know how to push to get this settled. I really don't. I think that would be up to my lawyer. I am waiting to hear from them. With the kid issue we had a GAL that forced H's hand. I don't know who will take on that role now?
Why does he want control over me? Seriously? He should watch the movie "Frozen" with the kids and just "Let it Go" already!
WH
The thing that H kept mentioning over and over was the fact that my attorney wants us to "ante up" every 4 months so that any money he has made over his base amount can be acknowledged and rectified. H wants to do this once a year. S
Then why not offer a compromise of every 6 months? Although I have to say, usually child support is set and then can be revisited later if his income goes up - are you really expecting his income to go up by that much? If his income goes DOWN, you will suffer that much sooner. Can't support be based on his income and bonuses from last year, and then re-adjusted yearly? Every four months does not sound "standard".
My mom thinks maybe he is dragging this out not only to "win" but because he also realizes that when this is over there is nothing holding him back to belonging to OW
So why not use some reverse psychology to get him to move? "H, we really don't have much to disagree over here, other people have told me they think you are dragging this out because you're still in love with me and reluctant to let go?" He'll probably settle as fast as possible, just to "prove" that's not it! LOL
LOL! That's funny, KML. I can see the smoke coming from his ears! LOL!
I am not dead set on every four months, so if that is the only objection, I am willing to let it go. My attorney and I are concerned because we never know when H will start working overtime and getting bonuses. I don't think his income will go down. This is more of a process to capture bonuses and extra money that he will clearly hide from me. I would be okay with every 6 months.
The more I calm down the more I realize H is running scared. We are getting close to the end and I think he is chicken. I am not sure why, but I get the feeling he is dragging things out for a reason. I don't know how he thinks he will afford this house, but that's not really my problem. Maybe he's trying to stall to come up with another tactic? But I will try to push to get this done.
Still waiting to hear from my attorney. I wish this was a faster process.
WH
Soooooo....
I just went to the bank to withdraw my half of the tax return. My attorney told me to alert him if all the funds were not available. Well, there is a hold of about $140 on the account due to multiple overdrafts ($90) and a force close account fee of $50. So there is even more money H owes me. I told my attorney about it and I also notified H about it. Even if he claims it was a marital account and we should split the overdraft, he owes me money. And I don't think we should split the overdraft. I was not responsible for that overdraft. I know EXACTLY what that overdraft was for.
As I was speaking to the paralegal, she received a letter to the courts from H and H, as promised, is asking for a financial mediator to be ordered because we cannot come to an agreement. It turns out H still has a bee in his bonnet because of the contempt charges. Long story short, H won't settle unless we drop the contempt charges.
I just got a message from H telling me that overdraft from the bank is a mistake and I should demand my money. HA! I told him he needed to contact the bank and take care of it and get me my money. LOL!
WH
You know - maybe your emotional state re: dating has less to do with missing H, or missing who he was, than it has to do with FEAR that you might get tangled up with another WHACK JOB like your H!
You are probably right on the money, KML. God knows I don't need to get into another situation like this again. Maybe I should just count on being single for the rest of my life. There are worse things for sure!!!!!!!!
H insists that the bank made a mistake and the monies are there. I asked for documentation and a name of who he spoke to. He said Customer Service. Somehow I am not assured about it. But I will go back after work and see if the rest is available.
I just cannot make this stuff up!
WH
I liked KML advice that you or your lawyer should say to your STBX "why are you making this so hard, I thought you wanted a divorce, .. the way your acting it seems like you want to drag this out"
So I went to the bank yesterday and sure enough the money was there. Hmmmm....wonder how that happened? But I am still short $11. I am not sure whether I want to make a stink over that or not.
My attorney sent the offer to H. And regarding the contempt charges, my attorney proposed that if H pays me 25% of the total we will drop the charges. I don't know if H will go for that? And regarding the "quashed subpoena", it turns out H has once again taken things out of context. The subpoena that was quashed was for H to have paperwork to present at the de novo hearing. The court said that the contempt charges cannot be discussed at the de novo. It needs a separate hearing. That was the reason for the quash. H was trying to get me to believe that the courts did not care about the contempt charges and found them frivolous along with trying to get me to think my attorney doesn't know what he is doing.
H also in his letter to the court, stated that my attorney kicked him out of the office, ending the meeting abruptly. That statement taken out of context looks bad, but the reality is the meeting was already over and H started lecturing my attorney on how "disappointed" he was that these proceedings were taking so long. My attorney told H he was not going to be lectured. H kept on going. My attorney told H "the meeting is over, Mr. H. You can pack up your stuff and go". H did not like that and is trying to use that against us.
So we will see what happens. I am hoping the judge sees through the phony baloney stuff.
WH
WH,
I would make a note of the shortage and when your h brings up what you owe him, you point out that you were shorted the $11. Learn to play the game and keep track of what you've paid and what you've shorted. Keep this info handy for when you need to pull a rabbit out of the hat. It's not worth mentioning to your lawyer at this time.
No, your h knows exactly what he said about the quashed subpoena. He was hoping that you would buy into his BS and drink the Kool-Aid he was serving up. Continue to move forward and do not believe one word he tells you. If his lips are moving, he's lying.
I'm not surprised about his letter to the court about your lawyer. He's now going to try to play the victim and your lawyer threw him out of the office. When a meeting is over, it's over and done with and no more discussions about a topic are going to be discussed. Let him file a complaint. If I'm thinking correctly, wasn't the meeting recorded or at least someone from your lawyer's staff in the room, or at least you were there? The court will believe your lawyer more so than your h because they are getting sick and tired of his bs. Your lawyer will take care of this matter in his own way...don't worry about it. In other words, don't sweat the small stuff.
You have other things of importance to think about, i.e., like your financial situation and what bills to pay. Keep your focus on your own stuff and allow your lawyer to do his work, i.e., representing you and your interests. Your h is going to going to continue pulling rabbits of the hat for a long time and he will discover that the rabbits he is pulling out are nothing more than false hopes.
Stay positive!
WH,
Why drop the contempt charges for 25% of the settlement? This will teach H nothing about flouting the general convention and continue hiding bonus money. I say stick with the contempt charges and show him who's the boss.
Can't you work on wage garnishment as a part of the settlement? H has shown that he will not voluntarily hand over unless ordered to do so (heck...even with an order in place, he continues to flout this!) or having his wages garnished.
Another thing that bothers me here is that you are not living in the marital home with your children. I have divorced friends where the mother and the children continued living in the marital home until the youngest child turned 18 years old then the house was put up for sale with the proceedings split between the divorced couple.
Thanks, Job. I am working on making financial baby steps. I still haven't found any potential part-time work because I have been feeling so poorly, but I am doing well at reducing my spending and saving more. I checked over my bank account yesterday and I was pleased. I am hoping I can keep inching forward and not let myself get discouraged. I am going after work to see what kind of money I can get for some spare jewelry.
Yes, the paralegal and I were in the room when the exchange went down between H and the attorney. My attorney thinks H recorded the conversation. He asked me if H was stupid enough to do that and I said of course. Apparently H used quote marks to highlight what my attorney supposedly said to H. But of course the quote was taken out of context.
I am trying to keep active the next few days while the kids are with their dad. It is getting easier. I actually colored Easter eggs last night if you can believe it. We had leftover color and a few eggs and D told me to color them. LOL! So I did. I made another batch of fabric softener and did a few loads of laundry. I made myself a baked potato and had a few jellybeans for dessert. And when I got home last night I actually sighed and said "this is mine and no one else can claim it". It's starting to sink in.
It would be nice to have someone in person to talk to and hang out with when the kids aren't around. But I think I need to get to know myself again and re-establish a relationship with me first.
WH
If he recorded the conversation that would be great. Why? He can then present it in court and the judge will hear exactly what was said. Also, he may be slapped w/illegal recording of a hearing/meeting if he didn't advise all of the parties involved. Your h is just like my xh...stupid.
WH,
Why drop the contempt charges for 25% of the settlement? This will teach H nothing about flouting the general convention and continue hiding bonus money. I say stick with the contempt charges and show him who's the boss.
Can't you work on wage garnishment as a part of the settlement? H has shown that he will not voluntarily hand over unless ordered to do so (heck...even with an order in place, he continues to flout this!) or having his wages garnished.
Another thing that bothers me here is that you are not living in the marital home with your children. I have divorced friends where the mother and the children continued living in the marital home until the youngest child turned 18 years old then the house was put up for sale with the proceedings split between the divorced couple.
Hey Wonka
This is based on trying to get H to settle. If he doesn't we will take this to court. If I do, however, I will end up paying my attorney all the money H owes me and then some.
Also my attorney has a plan to capture any additional income above the base pay H claims he makes. If we go to trial, then I will ask that all his income be garnished on an average of overtime and bonuses. My lawyer told H either he pays a percentage above the base or we take an average. H didn't like either option. Currently child support and maintenance are being garnished and it will continue that way after things are done. But we need to come up with a way to capture income above and beyond.
If I live in the marital home then I have to assume the mortgage. I can't afford the mortgage. H can barely afford the mortgage. I don't think they will allow me and the kids to live there with H paying for everything. They don't do that in my state.
WH
You know, it may be a blessing in disguise that your H is directing his anger at your attorney - at least that deflects some of it off of YOU. (Too bad, though, that your H is too much of a whack job to hire his own attorney - I certainly hope the judge makes him pick up some of the attorney costs).
Good job on your finances! You might also look on a website called The Penny Hoarder for ideas on how to make small amounts of extra money. Also, don't forget to get a big change jar (or my bank, BofA, has something you can sign up for called "Keep the Change" - it rounds up all your debit card purchases, and puts the extra into your savings account.)
Meanwhile, how about focusing on your friendships? Why not have a potluck girls night at your house when the kids are at his place? Or foster a friendship with a single girlfriend? I don't hear you talking much about friends, I'm guessing those relationships suffered during the years you were married to this nut job, it's time to start building friendships you can count on.
Hey KML.
I do have a lot of friends. But most of my "pre-marital" friends are back in Indiana. It's hard to get back there often because of the kids' schedules and now my car is not too reliable so I don't drive there often. I do have lots of work friends and friends I have met through the years and I am trying to get new friends through church.
I talk to friends often on the phone but it is hard to connect with busy schedules, etc. I haven't hosted anything at my place yet because of everything going on but once things are final I am having a party. You bet. I am trying to save money so I have put a hold on going out to lunch and happy hours with friends for now. I do have lots of good friends, but I just don't talk about them too much. I do have a great single friend. She was friends with H long before I knew him. It really torks H off that she is still close to me. She thinks he is an absolute @$$ now. He texted her a few months ago and "shamed" her for dismissing their long, established friendship and believing my lies. But she lives in another state and works in healthcare so her work hours are crazy. We are trying to plan a getaway for this summer.
I will check out the "Penny Hoarder". I think I am doing good. It's just easy to get discouraged and overwhelmed. It's part of my anxiety. I am focusing on saving and paying down debts a little at a time until I get a good savings established.
And yes, it is good that H directs his anger at my attorney. Of course that doesn't stop him from lecturing me about it. I try to tell H to talk to the attorney, not me. But he doesn't listen. So I try not to listen either. I need to let it roll off me more. Like water off a quack's back.
WH
Just googled "The Penny Hoarder".
Oh yeah...I've seen this guy. I was reading this stuff last week. I wondered if it was really legit!!! If you approve of it, KML, then I will continue on.
WH
Well, I just ran across it yesterday, so don't know too much about it, but I have heard of people making money through surveys and stuff before.
Okay, I saw some things I might be able to do. I'll check it out in more detail tonight. I am a little leery, but I will be cautious.
In other news, I said I wasn't going to spend money, but I found a Barbie bike on Craigslist for D for $30. I figure she is going to need a bike so if it is good shape I will pick it up for her. Then we will be able to ride our bikes to the park on weekends. Or she can ride and I can walk or jog. Good cheap exercise. We live closer to the parks and now we actually have sidewalks we can ride on.
Trying to stay positive.
WH
Man I am really missing my kid's tonight. S texted me and said he was sorry he didn't call (I wanted to talk to him and D) but they were in the car almost all day. I feel bad for them being swung here and there by that miserable bajagaloop (thanks to Sophia from the Golden Girls). H is all about H and what H wants. They have been planted the last two days in OW's house. Why the huge back and forth? He tells the kids that they are his first priority. Actions speak louder than words.
Thinking about things and how I feel about H these past few days I realize that this seed of anger and contempt for H has been growing for the past few years. Subtle comments he would make. Disrespect and a condescending attitude toward me. I remember how he would get so upset before we were married and had the kids that I would get home from work and put my hair up, wash my makeup off and put comfy clothes on. He said he didn't like it. I remember all the ways he made me feel bad about myself. Little bits of scarring here and there. And I put up with it. Not realizing what it was really doing to me. I can see the dysfunction and how it grew and how I protected my kids from it. Now there is nothing protecting them from it. Only another woman who possibly thrives off the dysfunction or at the very least is clueless about it and is defending H to the hilt like I once foolishly did.
So much introspection. So many questions. I was naive. I wanted to make it work. But honestly it could have never worked with someone like H. It will never work with H. Put any other woman into the equation with H. It won't work. I'm not saying I don't have things to work out, but at least I am trying to become a better person. At least I am analyzing myself. At least I am trying to see what happened. And at least I realize it would have happened even if it wasn't with me.
Sure there are still moments of doubt where I think it's my fault. Those moments are fewer and farther between. H has issues. That's obvious. I don't know if I had done things any differently if things would have been better? Probably not. I wish things could have been different for my kids sake.
So there is this seed of contempt for H deep within me. I don't know how long it will take to work this out. He has poisoned me deeply. It's really hard for me to think he has any decency or love within his soul. There are moments I think he is pure evil. But then there are moments I pity him. H has no real friends. He has OW and maybe her parents. That isn't much. I dont think his kids will want much to do with him as they get older and his own family has never had his back.
I on the other hand am blessed. I have friends, family, church and my wonderful kids. I am healthy, I have a good job, a roof over my head and food on my plate. And I have a clean conscience at the end of the day. That's more than a lot of people have.
Not sure what I am trying to get at here. This is kind of stream of consciousness writing. But it's late and I'm a bit punchy. I better get some sleep.
WH
Can I suggest that you're doing exactly what you need to do? You're processing the events of the past several years. Something you've put off for a long time and now you have the time and safety to do so...
As a suggestion - keep doing it, but break some of those items up into workable pieces as time goes on. There's no hurry, WH. You'll get to them when you get to them.
At some point, the comparisons won't be necessary any longer either. But to be honest, it's what you've known for a while. It seems reasonable to do it this way, to me. Just know it won't (you won't let it) last forever and it's safe to go through these feelings.
You might want to consider, if you haven't already, some physical outlet for the anger and contempt.
Just some thoughts.
AJ
Thank you AJ.
I had another brainstorm when driving into work this morning. I thought about my mother and my stepfather and H's interactions with them. And I started to connect the dots. Whenever my mom or stepdad would have a close friend come over (or even my own brothers for that matter) and do something for them, if my mom or stepdad gave them money or did something nice for them H would get angry and tell my mom or stepdad how those people were "users" and taking advantage of them. I remember a pretty specific incident with my stepdad where H did some talking and my stepdad had a falling out with a friend he had for years. Then I think how we never really had any close friends. Or if we did have good friends suddenly H would start bad-mouthing them and we wouldn't do things with them anymore. I remember how he would bad-mouth my friends. He would always do this in a very subtle way. Kind of like a snowball effect. When I started re-connecting with old friends on Facebook, H couldn't bad mouth friends he knew nothing about, so he started bad-mouthing Facebook in general, but in reality a lot of the interactions I had were with his own family. Which he would bad-mouth as well.
H is poison to relationships. He is toxic. I know this is obvious to many of you, but it goes back a ways into our history together. And when another puzzle piece fits into place it is like a huge AHA moment for me. He is jealous and insecure. He is absolutely incapable of making and maintaining relationships that are meaningful and not superficial. And whenever someone "close" to him develops a relationship with another person (as innocent and innocuous as it may be) H is threatened and he feels the need to stifle that other relationship. This explains another part of the reason why H hates my attorney so much. My attorney and I have a relationship. It's professional, but that doesn't matter to H. That is one of the many reasons why H is trying to disprove my attorney and cause me to lose faith in him.
This is nuts. And like I said, not a huge surprise to any of you, but it's part of the healing for me. And it's part of the breakdown of our relationship. It doesn't just apply to me. It is why he has to bash his other family members in front of his mother. It is why he criticizes his co-workers in front of his boss. It is why he talked down about my friends and family to me. He will probably do this to the kids in the future unless I instill some preventative measures and speak truth to them often.
I almost feel like I am cleansing my soul. Purging of the negative energy and the toxic vibes. I do need some physical activity to help release the toxicity of this relationship. I never realized how toxic it was until I stepped away.
WH
Dateline: April 25, 2014. De novo hearing. Two words: no dice.
H's de novo hearing went no where. The judge didn't even know wny we were there. The judge started off with explaining to H that if he thought support would be reduced he was dead wrong. The judge explained "Mr H I have reviewed the court commissioner's findings and I think he was very lenient in what support was ordered. If You really feel the need to do these proceedings over I need to warn you that I could very well and more than likely will increase the amount you are to pay Ms H." The judge announced what he would have H pay and my eyes bugged out of my head. H backed down on that motion immediately.
The only other item that was discussed was the fact that H didn't get half my bonus this past December even though I tried to give it to him. So at the end the judge said "so Mr H the only thing on your list that needs discussion is the $275 you feel WH owes you?". H said yes. So he made a huge fool of himself in front of the judge.
We were ordered to financial mediation which I have to pay half of. It's stupid but my attorney said it may be the only way H sees the light. H is getting bad advice. He's making an absolute fool of himself.
So I'm at the park with the kid's. They are playing soccer With S's GF and her sisters. Nice day. I brought a bunch of snacks to the park so we are having a quasi picnic. Then We are taking S to get his hair cut and for ice cream and pick up a bike helmet for D.
Had a nice night last night with some friends after work. Learned how to play tabletop shuffleboard. I'm not much of a game player but I'm GAL'ing. It was fun! Next I need to learn pool and poker! Lol.
Life is looking up. At least for today.
WH
I'm so glad Wishing!! Very cool. I wish we all coulda been there when the Judge threatened to up his support payments!! :-)
I'm happy to hear that the judge put your h in his place. He didn't get what he wanted. He thought he had it all neatly tied up with a pretty little bow. I'm so glad that judge busted him. I would have dearly loved to have been a fly on that wall to see how your h reacted.
Enjoy your weekend.
some really fun games are
apples to apples
bananagrams
and rumyQ
also a game called curses is hilarious
Im glad the Judge enlightened your H
I had a judge that left his W too
and my attorney told me ahead of time he would be in H favor
Peace
Yay!! Great news at court.
I think AJ is right you are having all these aha moments now because you are out of the house.
I went through similar anger also when I realized that gee this isnt all my fault.
Not only did these jerks leave their families but then blamed us for it. Very very sad. I feel sorry for how much in denial they live
Hello all
I had a fantastic weekend with the kids. We spent a lot of time outside Friday and Saturday. Lots of snuggle time with D yesterday. I had a bad moment when D told me she and OW had matching toes. It took everything inside me to maintain calmness. I almost melted down but I let it go. D and I matched our fingernails instead. I just told myself D would feel the same way if it was another little girlfriend so I just let her be. It was hard though. I did have the stab wound to the heart for a bit. Kind of ashamed that I felt that way though.
I started cleaning out the flower bed in front of the house. It is an absolute mess. I have no idea where to even start with this whole thing. I tried pulling weeds and grasses from around what I think are flowers. It looks better but I am to a section that is thick with grasses and weeds and a big scary looking bush that I think is Buckthorn so I will have to contend with that. I have never ever tended to a flower bed other than pulling weeds before. I never had any interest before, but it looks horrible, and I can't stand it. So here we go...trial by fire. It's all mine now. I don't think the landlord will even care. I will call him to make sure, but I don't think it is going to be an issue. In the meantime I am looking on Craigslist for a patio table and chairs. Something weatherproof and inexpensive. I would also like to get a fire pit. Time to turn this place into something I have always wanted.
S met a new friend. A few doors down lives a boy who is about 15 or 16 years old and plays soccer. He has come down a few times looking to talk to S and S has been with H or at another function. So we strolled down there on Saturday night and I introduced them. S was nervous and shy but once I broke the ice he was fine. They ended up chatting until 10:00 that night so now S has someone to hang with and they can walk down to the soccer field and kick the ball around. I just wish there was a little girl for D to play with.
So mediation has been scheduled, but it's on a day where I committed to chaperoning D's class trip to the zoo. She begged me to come with her so I am not breaking that promise. No one consulted or asked if I was available to meet with the mediator on that date they just scheduled it. I emailed the attorney and told him I was unavailable for that day and time. I hope everyone will be okay with that. But I had a prior commitment. But I guess it was hard to pin down a time and date because H was being demanding (what else is new) and tried to talk to the mediator without my attorney being involved. Apparently the mediator wanted a conference call with my attorney and H so my attorney called H who said he was unavailable and wanted them to call back in 10 minutes. After my attorney hung up, H called the mediator and wanted to talk to him without my attorney being in on the loop. The mediator told H my attorney had to be involved.
So no surprise H is still up to sneaky tricks. I hope the mediator (who is a retired divorce attorney) will see through the monkey business.
WH
WH - that is good that you're doing the flower bed!! I have been doing that too, it is great therapy! I worked literally 6.5 hours on one up front that was out of control, I dug that entire bed out, leaving just 3 of those big ornamental grasses, I separated out the weeds from the bulbs and removed all the old junk, then I replanted all the bulbs, the next weekend I hauled rocks up to that puppy and outlined it and made it look all pretty, then the next weekend I went to home depot by myself and hauled 6 bags of mulch home in my trunk and mulched it. Now 2 weekends in a row I go out there and pull out more bermuda grass that keeps popping up. Seriously, it makes you feel good to see the accomplishment, knowing that you're in control of the design and you're not really thinking about your sitch so much, I guess I do some but I do a lot of introspection too and it also gets out excess energy/anger. It's a good workout too. I was exhausted after and slept great. It's nice to change things up too and make it YOUR sanctuary. I really found it to be helpful to do that every weekend, now I look forward to my weekends at home and keep myself fairly busy just doing things around MY house, not our house any more. I just like how it feels to complete a project and know that I did it. so good for you on doing that!!
Garden recommendations -
- put down landscaping fabric and cover it with bark - will control the weeds.
- plant perennials, mostly - annuals have to be replaced all the time (although they can be grown easily from seed, which is cost effective).
- ask friends and neighbors for cuttings, or bulbs from plants that have to be thinned out. You can get a lot of plants for free if you ask around.
- look around at neighbors' yards for ideas of plants that seem to do well in your area.
Thanks TL and KML. It is a bit overwhelming. I don't want to rip everything out. There are some evergreen shrubs in there too that I like. I saw some bees in the area around the buckthorn so I need to be cautious. There is some cabbage-looking plant behind the buckthorn that looks like it is rotting. The bees were swarming around that. They are gone now that the weather is overcast and cool. I can't get near it until the buckthorn is gone. I will have to get some heavy duty shears to prune that bad boy away. I don't know how I am going to get rid of it. I don't like pesticides and I don't have the equipment or strength to pull out that complex root system.
My co-worker said she has some hostas she could give me so that is a start. I don't want to put a lot of money or time into it since I am just renting. But I do want it to look nice. I bought some small garden tools at the dollar store but I need a large rake because there is a lot of dead grass and weeds. The bugs did not appreciate me invading their home though. They were scurrying all over. I am kind of excited to take this on, but yet a bit scared. I hope I haven't bitten off more than I can chew.
WH
don't be scared, what's the worst that could happen? just cut that thing down to the ground with the large loppers if you have some. it'll grow back but just keep it trimmed down, takes awhile for it to grow back. hostas are great, they come back every year, love those. the deer love them too. they only eat the ones in my back yard though not the front. yeah I would leave the evergreen shrubs too. google "how to get rid of buckthorn" and it will give you some advice. again, don't be scared, just jump on in, there's nothing you can do it that is permanent really, stuff always grows back and it's fun. good luck!! I know what you mean, I'm doing mine with as little money as possible, found all the rocks in my yard for lining the beds and digging is free. I moved some perennials to other parts of the yard that I took out of the front bed. Bulbs can be cut a lot of times and then you've got 2 instead of 1 plant. if your neighbors have any ground cover sometimes that's fun to take a cutting of and watch it spread. let us know your progress!
Hello all
It has been raining here and drizzly and cloudy all week. So much for working in the garden. Blah. It is mocking me but one sweet day the sun will shine again and I will chop down that monster of a garden. On the upside I think a tulip is going to bloom. That will be nice to see.
I took some of my diamond and gold rings to a jeweler to see how much cash I could get for them. For my diamond wedding band my highest offer was $130. For the five other diamond and gemstone rings my highest offer was $185. So I am a bit bummed. I know that is $300 more than I have right now, but I was hoping for more so I could it toward my ever growing legal bill. I'll have to talk to the bank about getting a loan or something. If that is the cash I will receive for all my rings I will just keep them. Or maybe try to sell them myself.
I stopped at the grocery store last night because S's soccer game was cancelled (due to rain, of course) and guess who was already there? H. I just didn't even want to go down that road of "bumping into him" at the grocery store. Awkward. So I just went home. Does that seem cowardly? I just didn't want the awkwardness and for him to think that I went there on purpose. It is just easier to shop for groceries another time.
Lots of introspection lately. Mostly about what I want and who I want to be? It has been a long time since I could focus on me and who I am. Everyone on this board says to focus on yourself from day one. It's easier said than done, but I am finally doing it. I have started eating better, making smarter choices with money, planning ahead regarding the kids and trying to take care of my relationships with other people. It's baby steps really. I don't really know if I have grown or not, but I am being real and honest with myself. I am seeing what I need to or want to change about myself and what I like about myself. It's hard to be honest and critique without coming down too hard on oneself. It's also hard to try and change those aspects to be the person you really want to be.
Meeting a good friend at her house tonight for margaritas and movies. Tomorrow and Sunday is soccer-gedden if it ever stops raining. So my time is starting to honestly fill with things I want to do for me.
And you all were right. It does get better.
WH
WH,
You might be able to get a better price at your local pawn shop because you can negotiate the price for your rings.
As for the grocery store incident, that's fine. You do what makes you feel comfortable. No judging here at all.
You have grown! You've learned inner strength and courage in the face of all H's insanity. I have watched you over the last months and you are a different person today than, say, 4 months ago. Sometimes it is hard to see your own inner growth at times. It is all there!
Yep, baby steps...then before you know it, you'll be in a much, much BETTER place that is brimming with endless possibilities.
Enjoy your night out in the movies! I'm your DD driver if you ever get too drunk!
WH I think you have grown a LOT. Well done.
And I would have skipped the grocery shop too. There is enough going in in our lives with encountering our crazy x's while doing a little peaceful food shopping!
Thanks guys. Feeling pretty good. Had some margaritas and snacks with a friend. Nice to talk and feel like a human. I do miss the kid's.
Speaking of the kid's S's soccer tournament has been cancelled. He is really bummed. Not only was he looking forward to playing but he knew he would get to spend some time with me. I'll see him at D's games though. But he still wanted to play. I am hoping D's games don't get canceled.
I am ready to meet new people. I am hoping to surround myself with healthy people who enjoy me for who I am and appreciate me idiosyncrasies and all.
WH
Wow what a day.
Started working on the flower bed. I will be surprised if I can move at all tomorrow. I asked my old neighbor to swing by and give me some advice. She came over and brought tools and started chopping away. I didn't expect her to do any work, just give advice. But she seemed excited to dig in so I told her to go for it. We didn't do a lot, but it does look tons better already. I have a lot of grass to dig out. Apparently there is a lot of lily of the valley growing in. She just suggested cutting a lot of stuff back and seeing what happens.
Something is bothering me. S told me this morning at D's game he was going to church tomorrow. But he said H will only take him to the second service because he knows I go to the first. I decided to stick with going to the first to not cause a scene. But why does H feel the need to purposely take the kid's at a time he knows I won't be there? It just feels hurtful and cold. I wish he would just grow up and act like an adult.
Just had to get that off my chest.
WH
What kind of immature jerk tells his son things like that!!
I suspect that your xh is in the same category as mine - angry and obsessed with us. Cant let go and won't stop trying to hurt.
Turn it round if you can, and remember that you didn't want to see you xh in the grocery store, so at least you won't have to see him at church.
Garden project sounds fun - exciting for your kids to see what you have done.
Thanks Beatrice
I decided to let it go and choose joy. If H wants to be a jerk and keep the kid's from me as much as possible then that's fine. He is just like his mother. He wil end up being a bitter, lonely and angry person as he gets older and wonder why his kid's want nothing to do with him.
Yesterday at D's game S was talking about getting some baby-sitting gigs and we were standing by his literature teacher who has four kid's. She said jokingly "yeah...I don't know anyone who has kid's". She asked S what he was saving his money for and H chimed in "it's almost Father's Day". I just rolled my eyes. S's teacher put him in her place and said, "yes, but Mother's Day is first and that takes priority so I have to vote for Mother's Day". H shut up after that. All the moms on that team know H's real self since he was stupid enough to bring OW to a game last fall. They have no sympathy for him.
So it's true. Drop the rope and let them hang themselves. Works every time.
WH
WH, it seems you are in that category where the MLC'r won't let go. Don't just drop the rope... cut it! As much as you can anyway. He seems the type that will hang on like a bad cold, like B's ex. Or a few others that still post. He got what he wanted and it just isn't doing the trick so he'll try to stay connected. Kind of like he uses you to feed his anger, ya know?
While it seems beyond crazy, there is something wrong with him. It's well past time to take it personally or to think he's going to change with regards to your kids.
Leaves the question as to how to deal with the various things as they crop up. But do what you can to cut that rope and not just drop it.
AJ
Thanks AJ. I thought dropping the rope would be hard. Cutting it....seems impossible.
See D had another soccer game today. I stayed away from church because honestly I was too wiped to go to early service and I had a boatload of things to do today. I finished weeding the flower bed, went to the laundromat, put away all laundry, went to the hardware store, made Mexican brownies for Cinco de mayo, chopped onions and tomatoes, made baked chocolate chip pancakes (which the kid's loved btw) and did and put away a load of dishes. So by 4:00 I was ready for a break. When I got there I went by S and his GF and another of their friend. We chatted and then they started kicking the soccer ball around. I was standing by myself cheering on D and H came by me. Started friendly talk to me. Yes, me. Chatting so nice about D and S. Really? It felt awkward. I wanted to walk away but did not want to appear rude so I stayed and said nothing. After a while I felt it would be okay to walk away and I did and charted to another mom. I almost felt sorry for H. Almost.
When I picked up D later H invited me in the house. I gave the dog lots of love and D was upstairs playing. Why?? Not sure. He normally has her ready when I get there. He asked me to come upstairs because she was playing with legos and wanted me to see what she was making. It was weird. But honestly I felt nothing for the house. Nothing. Almost relief to be out of it. H had given D a bath and had her dressed in pajamas which irritated me because I could give her a bath. And the pjs were too small. But I shook it off and letD rode her bike when we got home and let her help put some rocks back in the garden and getting some nasty nettles out of the yard. So I didn't have to give her a bath so I actually got to spend more time with her. And I have plenty of pjs for her so we just changed into new pjs when we came in.
S has a soccer tournament next weekend. I am hoping H doesn't get a hotel room and stays with OW. Not that I need to see her face there, but I don't want to endure H at the pool when I'm trying to relax. I asked S if he and his dad were getting along better and he said kind of. But The kid's are a lot like me, in their taste and their sense of humor, which gives H a lot of grief.
Heading off to dream land...
WH
Lately I feel the same way around my xH. He gives me the heebee geeBees. I just dont want to be anywhere near him.
You are doing great and really becoming more you. I can feel in your posts
So something weird is going on...
I am a member of LinkedIn. I don't have my resume posted or anything. I am not too active on the site since I am not really looking for another job. But I have contacts and get updates on the market and watch online seminars and such. I have contacts that I have worked with presently and in the past. I don't ever post updates or anything.
I have gotten alerts for the past two weeks that people are reviewing my profile. Most of the time it is people I don't know. Today I got a notification that H is reviewing my profile. What on earth for? We don't work in the same field and we have no contacts in common. Is he scoping me to see if I have gotten any raises or promotions? Like I would post that to LinkedIn? I wouldn't. And doesn't he know whenever someone reviews my profile I get an alert?
I am starting to get a bit creeped out.
WH
Seems he is searching for you online... not a big surprise.
He's confused. He's conflicted. He is somebody you need to be really far away from. But it's part of it.
Could be he's looking for something that will help him in his court case.
The idea of cutting the rope, WH? That's a goal but not something you likely can do overnight. There will come a time, most likely, that you'll need to cut the rope vs. just dropping it. You'll see what I mean later when it happens. But I mention it now so you'll be prepared and working toward that.
Peace,
AJ
WH fwiw I think they are obsessed with us - and not in a good way.
Take care!
UGH. This really takes the cake. He does all this crap to push me away and get rid of me, but yet he is trying to hold on tight. Is this normal for MLC?
I guess I just need to distance myself even further from his drama. I read something online about how some people are addicted to drama and they do things to feed off your reaction so the best possible thing to do when you can't do complete "no contact" is to do "gray rock". Become as boring and "non-dramatic" as possible. Eventually drama addicts will get bored and try to create the drama somewhere else.
I am trying not to let his antics get to me. I am getting better. I hate the way he gets the kids in the middle. But I am just going to let that play out. Seems the more "hands-off" I am, the more things tend to work themselves out.
I really wish he would just leave me alone, but I suppose he is not capable of that. Maybe he never will be.
WH
WH,
Your h is curious about what you are doing w/your life, i.e., be it fun activities or if you have posted a resume. Even though he doesn't want you, he is still very much interested in what you are doing. You just never know what goes through their minds, but I certainly wouldn't worry about it if you aren't anything wrong. To me, it's a sign that he's got nothing better to do but surf the web. Life must be pretty darn boring on his side of the street. You, on the other hand, have plenty to keep you busy and still have some fun. Don't allow him to spoil your fun.
Thanks, Job.
I won't worry about what he is doing on his side of the street. But it is creepy, none the less. It's just amusing how predictable these MLC'ers are.
He contacted me again regarding the daycare bill and about summer camp for the kids. I suggested they get registered for swim lessons again and he agreed. I reminded him of the levels the kids have completed and asked if he could sign the kids up for swimming at the Mass Registration this Wednesday. I have a InDesign Users Group meeting I am attending so I can't do it. Besides, that is his night with the kids and he wants to play super dad so I will let him. He will not be a happy camper once he gets there. You see, I did this last year and I waited in line for about a half hour before I even got close to the registration area. Hee hee. I suckered him by telling him if we register the kids that evening, we can save $4 on lessons per kid. He acted like I was putting him out, but he couldn't resist the opportunity to save money AND look like the hero. I will probably hear him curse about it later, but I don't care.
I am learning.
WH
They need every dollar they can get these days for clothing, vacations, etc...
So bad with $.
Morning peeps...
I will be crazy busy the next couple of days. We have soccer-gedden this weekend and I need to do laundry, pack, make food, shop for sundries, drop off books at the library, go to the bank and the post office, etc in two days because we leave Friday after work. And tonight I won't get home until after work and tomorrow S has a soccer game so time is of the essence. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.
On the home front, I bought some inexpensive solar lights for the flower bed areas and had S put them in. It looks really good. And the tulips are starting to bloom. I can scarely believe it! I am looking at a used patio table tonight I found on Craigslist. A table, four chairs and cushions for $65. Not too bad, but I don't know if I can fit it in my van? The seller said she didn't know if it would come apart or not. I guess it can't hurt to look, right? Maybe an even better deal will pop up. I looked at an inexpensive fire pit yesterday, but I couldn't commit. I think I am developing commitment phobia! LOL!
Something else bugs me. We have several coolers at the house and rather than go buy a cooler, I was considering telling H that I wanted two from the house. I don't know. I'm not afraid of him, don't get me wrong, but I am at the point where I don't really want ANYTHING to do with him and I would rather have as little contact with him as possible. Does that sound cowardly? The thought of talking about coolers with him makes me sick to my stomach. But then again, why should he hog all the coolers? I don't know. I'll toss that around in my head.
I did have to discuss S's soccer pictures with him yesterday so he could tell me what he wanted to order. Of course, his reply to me was garbled (even in email form) and made no sense. I had to ask him a few times to clarify which of course made him angry. Touchy!
But I am looking forward to this getaway with the kids. I hope it's peaceful (meaning as little of H as possible and NO OW). But I still have the sick feeling inside.
WH
I'm not afraid of him, don't get me wrong, but I am at the point where I don't really want ANYTHING to do with him and I would rather have as little contact with him as possible. Does that sound cowardly?
NO!!!! It sounds healthy.
I would hope I wouldn't want to spend time with Adolph either. Seriously? Are you really asking this question Wishing?
I think it's perfectly understandable and I support you completely in staying away from him as much as possible. The healthier and better you feel, the better able you are able to be a rock for the kids who CAN'T avoid him, sadly.
Hey Heather
I just want to make sure I am doing this from a place inside that once peace, and not avoidance. I do have a tendency to put off things that I am not comfortable with. It isn't healthy if I am just avoiding the inevitable or if I am just letting him have all the stuff in the house just to avoid an argument. I don't want to just let him have his way.
Maybe I can find an inexpensive cooler on Craigslist or at Goodwill.
WH
Hey WH. My thoughts - I agree - that's a very healthy thing to not want to be around him. Very.
But also, you really don't have much of a leg to stand on yeah? You moved on already and took with you what you were going to take. I doubt seriously it's worth the fight to get a cooler from him.
That peace of mind might be worth borrowing one from a buddy instead, don't you think?
AJ
Wishing,
I think you are too nice to Adolph.
We have a ton of extra coolers. I'll send you one. lol :-)
Let Adolph have the cooler. Merry Christmas Adolph! A cooler and life with a crippled, needy OW. Enjoy.
I just want to make sure I am doing this from a place inside that once peace, and not avoidance.
Does this still fit for you? I don't see you avoiding shid. You are pretty GD amazing in how you face it girlfriend.
IMHO
Actually there were a few things (like the coolers) that I wanted to take, but didn't get an opportunity.
I will just bring up those things when we go to financial mediation.
Adolph??? LOL! He does have a German heritage. But then again in these parts most people do.
WH
I just want to make sure I am doing this from a place inside that once peace, and not avoidance.
Does this still fit for you? I don't see you avoiding shid. You are pretty GD amazing in how you face it girlfriend.
IMHO
Thanks, Heather. (((HUGS)))
WH
Sigh
So H filed his own contempt motion surprise surprise. I could just throw up.
So sick of all this.
WH
ROFL ---- you are in contempt how exactly?????
Boy - he's REALLY gonna piss off this judge - don't worry about this WH - if he keeps this up, the judge is gonna make him pay all your legal fees and is gonna slap him with the maximum financial damage he can give. Seriously, judges do NOT like these kinds of ridiculous shenanigans.
Because I spent marital money on my counselor and used the credit card and spent marital money on my cell phone bill.
My attorney said it's garbage and will get no where. But it's still irritating.
Bah!!!
WH
Oh my Gawd. Are you kidding me????
Krikey.
Can I be there for this hearing? Can we ALLLLLL be there??? Job, Bea, KML, UrW, AJ, T2, etc...????? Everyone who has been here since the beginning of this insanity?
Unbeeeeelieeeevable.
I'm thinking the judge might just punch him in the face. I know I want to.
H says I owe him roughly $5000.
Isn't that interesting? So he doesn't have to pay me any money.
WH
H says I owe him roughly $5000.
Isn't that interesting? So he doesn't have to pay me any money.
WH
Where's thar proof?!!!
He says I was not supposed to use marital money to pay my cell phone bill and my counselor bill. He said I should have used my own money. But our monies were together at the time. He said that I had late fees on the credit card and that I used the card for non-marital things (like when my car died on the highway because I had no other money). He said I left him holding the bag on two bills that I was supposed to pay. He said I took $500 out of the marital account (???). He said I took the kid's birth certificates and ss cards out of the house "without his permission", etc.
Thing is I was never court ordered to do or not do any of those things. So i am not breaking a specific court order. It's also funny how the amount he tallies is about equal to what he owes me from his bonuses.
So again, he is trying to justify not paying me he bonus by saying I owe him money.
Oh, and I refused to reimburse him directly for lunch accounts and will not reimburse him for D's soccer shoes which he never told me about until After he bought them.
Nothing really but aggravating none the less. I still have to pay my lawyer to defend me from this mess.
WH
He says I was not supposed to use marital money to pay my cell phone bill and my counselor bill. He said I should have used my own money. But our monies were together at the time. He said that I had late fees on the credit card and that I used the card for non-marital things (like when my car died on the highway because I had no other money). He said I left him holding the bag on two bills that I was supposed to pay. He said I took $500 out of the marital account (???). He said I took the kid's birth certificates and ss cards out of the house "without his permission", etc.
Thing is I was never court ordered to do or not do any of those things. So i am not breaking a specific court order. It's also funny how the amount he tallies is about equal to what he owes me from his bonuses.
So again, he is trying to justify not paying me he bonus by saying I owe him money.
Oh, and I refused to reimburse him directly for lunch accounts and will not reimburse him for D's soccer shoes which he never told me about until After he bought them.
Nothing really but aggravating none the less. I still have to pay my lawyer to defend me from this mess.
WH
Oops sorry for the double post
Wonka, we're all going to the hearing. You coming? We wanna see the Judge go all Apeshid on Adolph's a$$.
He also says I disposed of marital assets. He is referring to the $500 I took from MY CD to pay the mediation fee.
He also says I am restricting his access to the kids's birth certificates. Bull. He at any time can get a certified copy of the birth certificates if he wants them.
Also he asks that I pay his legal fees and reimburse him for everything I have ever spent that he did not give me permission to spend.
If that is the case he should reimburse me the cost of the gas he used driving 2 hours constantly up to OW's house. Not to mention the cost of the peers and jewelry and dinners and the cost of Match.com and other misc stuff.
I am still worried about this even though I know he's walking on thin ice.
WH
Heather,
What WH's H needs is a female judge along the lines of Judge Judy....I'd pay BIG bucks to attend the hearing just for the fireworks from Judge Judy putting H in his place. Don't know if H can handle her zingers!
Yes!!! Judge Judy. Let's get her.
I think she would castrate him. Maybe, that would shut him up finally. Castration.
Seriously guys. I won't have judge Judy. I am really sick and tired of this whole thing.
This is why I didn't want to pursue a contempt motion. Now H is usig his own opinions to say I am in contempt. In the meantime I still have to pay an attorney to defend against these frivolous motions which are not deemed frivolous until after we get to court.
I am sorry but I don't think it's funny.
WH
Sorry Wishing, I guess it's hard to know what to say at this point. It's absurd and cruel for him to pull this on you.
I know you worry and that seems a natural, human reaction. This is big shid stuff and you have done your fair share. Your H seems to require a judge to put an end to his antics. I suspect that's what he will get.
Can you ask that he pays, after he gets horse whipped by the judge, for your legal and court fees related to this contempt charge. It's totally unfounded and he's been over this CD ownership ad nauseaum.
Try to relax, it WILL END. ;-)
Im sorry but I am just spent. It seems he will not quit until I am emotionally and financially devastated.
I'm trying not to get too worked up. Lord knows I have been here before.
WH
WH,
Your h is going to continue pulling rabbits out of the hat to avoid paying you. Your lawyer has already told you that the charges are stupid, but again, it's got to be cleared up. Marital/joint assets are to be used by both parties, especially when the money is in one account. If he's going tit for tat, what about the times that the account was overdrawn because he took money? Honestly, he's just being a PIA right now and is trying to beat you down to shut you up and make you go away.
Additional birth certificates and social security cards can be ordered from the state and the Social Security Administration. Besides, what does he need them for? If he's going to act like a PIA, make copies and give him the copies and if he wants to complain some more, he can order new ones himself. Plain and simple.
If you were not ordered to separate out accounts at the time you were using the credit card and accounts, then he doesn't have a leg to stand on because you were still living in the marital home and acting like husband and wife, even though he was out there trolling the streets. Quite frankly, he doesn't have a leg to stand on and the judge is going to get sick of him very soon.
In the meantime, leave this in your lawyer's hands and I know you are worrying about it...but there's nothing you can do about it right now. BTW, have you noticed how he always bangs at your door when there's a holiday or special event coming up?
It feels like it will never go away...but it will. Instead of being upset, you need to get angry and take that anger out on the flower bed. Just remember, he's not happy, but very miserable and he doesn't want you to have one day of peace and happiness. Please don't allow him to destroy your peace and happiness, dig deep for more strength and enjoy your life. He is just a blip on the radar.
Thanks Job.
I know I shouldn't worry about it but it does make me mad. I know he's just trying to get out of paying me anything and I knew he would pull this. So why am I upset if I knew it would happen?
And yes, whenever something is coming up he pulls this crap. Ironically our wedding anniversary is coming up. Not that I even remotely think he remembers when that is.
This is just very draining and H believes I should reimburse him for all these expenses. But if he is going to get nasty I will bring up the times he used marital money on OW. The judge has already told us the time for "evening things out" is at the end of the case. Not now. These are not contemptible items. I was never court ordered to not use the credit card or not use the marital account. He is just trying to get me to back down and drop the contempt charges. I know this.
Then why am I so upset? Yeesh!
WH
WH,
I hate to see all of the bickering, but for the mlcer, this is par for course. They are just emotionally unstable and can't think rationally and all of the selfish, self absorbed behavior comes to light. Never mind that a large majority of the money was spent on the children and transportation needed to take the children to and from appointments and games...but they see it as you using the money for yourself. You can't make this stuff up and it's very sad how they destroy everything that they held close to their hearts at some point in their lives. The only thing you can do is step away, allow them to fight w/themselves and pray for them. Poor souls.
Hello WH,
I'm sorry I don't have much advice - newbie here, dealing with the beginning of the mess. Just sending you a big hug - I'm thinking of you.
Thanks again, Job.
You know I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can feel all the good the universe has in store for me. It's just getting there. H keeps trying to distract me.
He is the most toxic person I have ever had the displeasure of knowing.
WH