Labug posted about the song on her thread and its a favorite in my house these days so I thought it was appropriate way to start my new thread.
I also think I have already let go or so much and learning to let go and how to let has been one of the benefits of my situation.
Wanted to tell everyone to check out this article in this past weekends NY Times - A Second Embrace, With Hearts and Eyes ... By MARY ELIZABETH WILLIAMS. Its about a woman who remarries her exH.
Believe
Here's the link to the article
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/03/16/fashio...Open-.html?_r=0Thanks for posting about it - I want to believe!
I believe !!! Great article, TX BklynMom
That is great to read. I Believe as well. Thank you for posting that.
I'm so glad you liked the article. It makes me really happy to share something people like.
If you liked that article you may also like the book - this isn't the season you think it is by Laura Munson. Her book totally saved my life the first few month.
Hey BK, caught up a bit on your life. You have come so far.
We've been here nearly the same length of time.
Earlier today I was reading a blog I return to often. I randomly select and read old posts when I need inspiration. I landed on this today and as I was reading some of your last thread, it came to my mind again:
"We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them."
Detachment has allowed me to have mastery of my emotions, instead of being a slave to them. It's a much calmer life. I have compassion for other people, when they are slaves to their own emotions and acting badly. I don't judge them for it, because I recall all too well what it was like to be in that place, but I also don't take responsibility for anyone else's anger today - I don't make anyone angry, just as nobody makes me angry. Anger often comes from the stories we tell ourselves about how the other person should be acting. Expectations create resentment. Resentment creates anger. Anger is a terrible master; I was a furiously angry person for the first 40 years of my life.
~TAAF
I wish you a calm life full of love.
great post labug - thanks for sharing that!
Okay I need to come clean and just write about it.
My xH bought a decent used car. We live in bklyn so a car is an expensive extravagance. And my xH is constantly saying how little money he has.
Anyway the point ... I see that my exH buying a car a sign that things in his relationship with his gf are not as great as they once were. She has a car. There is no reason if they thought they were moving forward as a couple for them each to have a car.
I think their relationship is entering the more reality phase.
But why do I care...
I know once I admit this and put it out here I will care less.
Thanks
I know once I admit this and put it out here I will care less.
Thanks
Good.
What is your mind trying to tell you that may not be true?
Labug, your question really puzzled me and I am very curious to know what you are getting at, because I have no clue.
Today at work I had a pretty big f-up. It messed up. I cant let it. I dont understand why I f-ed it up. It was such a simple thing but I had a lot going on at the moment and I dropped the ball.
I am beating myself up and realize how much I beat myself up about stuff.
I know I am not perfect but this mess up was 101 and am pissed at myself and embarrassed. I feel like a loser.
How do I let it go? I really dont know.
Alanon people say "say the serenity prayer" ... not working
Only thing that kind of helps is reminding myself that Tom Brady and Payton Manning both have lost big big games but they come back and play the next time. And they turn it on. This analogy helps.
Love you all for reading and listening. I wont have made it with out you
Hey Bk
I had/still have trouble with self criticism and beating myself up to much.
What if one of your friends or one of us on here made a similar mistake, what would you say to us? Would you beat us up about it?
What if one of your daughters made a mistake like that?
Don't you deserve the same love and compassion that you would give others?
Challenge how you think about stuff. I.e you are not a failure because of one mistake. It is irrational to think that. You probably do good work all of the time. But you dont go around patting yourself in the back as a result. Have you ever thought why not? Why we focus so hard on mistakes?
I know you guys are right. But man was I feeling it the other day.
It retrospect I learned a lot from it because I actually realized how hard I have been on myself my whole life and how destructive it has been.
Rick - I really have no idea why I would focus so much energy on my f-ups. No idea.
SIAS - if my daughters messed up I would forgive them and still believe they are the most wonderful creatures in the universe. Maybe one day I could do that for myself.
Hopefully the next time it wont be as bad.
BM,
I absolutely get being hard on yourself.
No one beats me up more than me. Seems I am not alone in that.
The thing is that we all make mistakes and others will understand that. We are harder on ourselves than others will ever be on us.
In this past year and a half my work ethic has slid, not intentionally but from workaholic to a normal work day. I make it worse for myself as I beat myself up over the slide. And then the other day, out of the blue, one of my higher ups complimented me on my reports - said he loved to read them and always got a chuckle and read them first before anyone else's reports. His compliments not only made my week but reminded me how much of my perceived failure is in my own head.
And BM, so you made a mistake - I am betting that you acknowledged it, fixed it and in the end handled it like a pro. And that shows your value - not letting the mistake define your work.
Now, if only I could take my own advice.....
Labug, your question really puzzled me and I am very curious to know what you are getting at, because I have no clue.
Today at work I had a pretty big f-up. It messed up. I cant let it. I dont understand why I f-ed it up. It was such a simple thing but I had a lot going on at the moment and I dropped the ball.
I am beating myself up and realize how much I beat myself up about stuff.
I know I am not perfect but this mess up was 101 and am pissed at myself and embarrassed. I feel like a loser.
How do I let it go? I really dont know.
Alanon people say "say the serenity prayer" ... not working
Only thing that kind of helps is reminding myself that Tom Brady and Payton Manning both have lost big big games but they come back and play the next time. And they turn it on. This analogy helps.
Love you all for reading and listening. I wont have made it with out you
"What is your mind trying to tell you that may not be true?"
It seemed that you were creating a story about XH/OW's R based on his buying a car. Those kinds of thoughts can often snowball in our brains and leave us twisting and with expectations.
About your being so critical with yourself, we are sisters in that shite, too. I could obsess for hours on one little mistake. It also made me super critical of others.
Being more compassionate with me and silencing that (untrue)judge voice has made me more compassionate with others.
It's a practice, but I challenge it every time it starts up.
It works. ((( )))
Thanks Portia and Lbug
Yes labug you are right I am making up a total story about his relationship that I shouldnt even care or be thinking about. Thats why I write about it here. Sometimes I am too embarrassed when I create these stories in my head to even admit to them on these boards. I get embarassed that close to 3 years later I care.
It makes me feel lame that I care about him and it makes me feel lame that I care that he rejected me.
Portia - I can totally relate to how you have become less of a work aholic - me too. And its been for the most part a huge blessing. I am able to let go of work when I leave work. What a miracle.
I had my 2nd session this weekend with a hypnotist. I started going 2 weeks ago to really focus on stopping pulling my hair out. This week she wanted me to relive the moment I realized that I f-up this week. She wanted me to imagine that moment again so we could change the pattern. It was awful to relive the pain I imposed on myself.
She really was pushing me to be kinder to myself for messing up but I could only focus on going back in time and fixing my error.
This need for perfection is something I really really need to work on.
Life is good. I am so lucky
Oh my gosh, beating yourself up... In that I can relate! I relive and rehash and replay my bad moments over and over again until I'm ready to curl into a ball for life. I am sorry you made a mistake but pull yourself up and move on.
And labug, making up stories out of small items is all me as well. Thank you for the reminder to stop letting my mind run away from reality.
Brooklyn Mom,
Just catching up. Everyone makes mistakes. Reliving them doesn't change them. I've made some whoppers in my life as we all have and I cringe to think about them. Let it go and think about how awesome you are. I think the hypnotist is a great idea. I hope that helps with the hair pulling.
In regards to caring, I know we talk about detachment and just how important it is . I think when we have procreated with someone there is always a little extra something in our minds. I mean.....you love this person (or what he was) and have children with him. So, sometimes our minds wander a bit.
Give yourself a hug today:-)
My xH told me tonight that he is moving in with his girlfriend. What a shocker. When he told me I just said okay, do you have my check for this month.
I am over him.
I have felt really good the past week or two and while it did sting hearing that he is moving in with his accomplice in the breakup of our marriage, I do feel glad that I am not living with him. It does sting to know that my girls will look to her as a surogot mother on weekends especially because she has no morals but I am not surprised.
Thank God I have these boards and I know what to expect before even he does.
I'm sorry. Yes, that must sting. However , you seem to be doing really well and staying focused on you and the kids.
Hang in there:)
(((BK)))
Even though it's not surprising it still stings and it still svcks. Our kid's don't deserve to have to endure this. They deserve to have one normal loving home with two parents who love and care for them.
Unfortunately we can't legislate morality. I wish we could. These bozos would be put away for life. I don't know how these guys can live with themselves.
We are here for you.
WH
Thanks Wishing and Georgia - I love having my friends on these boards. I know you guys understand and that I am not alone.
I really think I have finally accepted that my xH leaving was not about me being a b!tch. Which is what he told me and convinced me of, that this was all my fault. If I had been a better more loving wife he would still be here. That was a lie. Marriage is work and my xH refused to do anything to work on it.
This doesnt mean I didnt need to improve some of my behavior but I focused for way too long on me and my issues
From D1 of the bomb I asked my xH if he was having a relationship with Jess. He said no - they were just work colleagues. He was too blind to realize he was having an emotional affair with her and now they are moving in together.
Dory Previn "Beware young Girls they know not what they do" She is so right on.
Jess also is in complete denial that if she were not waiting in the wings for my xH that he wouldnt have left me.
I had a girlfriend when I was in my 20s who was dating a guy who was in a bad marriage. I remember the whole spiel. I remember telling her to stay away from the guy but my friend didnt believe me, she kept telling me how their marriage had been over for a long time.
I am thinking that although it disgusts me to meet her, I want her to show her face to me before she starts caring for my kids at her new apartment.
I am also concerned that now my xH will be moving out of this neighborhood and he will not take the girls into account when getting this new apartment. Him living in the this neighborhood has allowed the girls to continue with their regular weekend routines. Do I email, at some point please consider staying in the vicinity.
Back to my regularly scheduled weekend:)
BK
I am so with you on all of this. I believed my marriage failed because I was the b*tch. I don't any longer. Like you, there were issues I could have handled better. But we do the best we can at the moment. These guys threw the marriage away when it ceased to be fun and it started being real. They can't handle real.
Like you I had a friend who had an affair with a married man. She expected him to leave his wife of many years. Thankfully he never did. My friend is happily married now to a wonderful man that I introduced her to in hopes she would finally let go of her obession with that awful married man. I still feel bad for his wife. That man has cheated on her since day one of their marriage. He is an addict and has a serious problem. He even tried to pick me up but I could smell trouble a mile away and stayed far away. She stayed in her marriage because her religion would shun her if she divorced. She drinks heavily. She is a wonderful woman but she allows the dysfunction to continue. Sometimes I think about saving marriages and what is the cost of saving your marriage? I can day that I am glad I am not this woman. I could have turned into her had my marriage survived.
Let your ex make his own bed and lay in it, BK. You don't know how this will pan out. If it comes to a point where you need to have a discussion with him then wait for that time. I think right now he will just think you are jealous about their relationship. My ex has ruined his relationship with his son. It will never be the same again. That is between H and S. H won't listen to me anyway. They need to work it out.
(((BK)))
WH
I agree Brook, stay silent on the matter.
Let go and let him figure it out on his own. Your girls will be ok. They have you :-)
""They cant handle real."" Exactly
I am not going to stay silent. I have shut my mouth for 3 years and my xh has been consistent in making the most selfish choices possible.
I will state in some future email when appropriate - "I hope you consider staying in the vicinity of our neighborhood, it has been great that the girls have been able to go to friends birthday parties & events since you have always lived in the hood. I also think I should meet Jess at some point since she will be such a big part of our children lives for years to come"
I am not going to stay silent. I have shut my mouth for 3 years and my xh has been consistent in making the most selfish choices possible.
I can't argue with this. You know enough about me to know I've had my two cents on many occasion when cautioned otherwise by the vets on the board.
Do I regret it? Some of it.
I regret when I spoke out with emotion as opposed to carefully putting together my words.
I support you in whatever you feel you need to do. I know that in the world of addiction, we rarely have a voice on the biggest issues that come up. If you need to have your say...Say It and say it proud without regret. :-)
BK
You do what feels right. You can express your convictions to him but if he doesn't listen just leave it.
I can't blame you for feeling the way you do. I hope for everyone's sake he does the right thing.
Take care!!
WH
So I sent my ex the following email:
I hope you consider staying near Our Neighborhood when you get your new apartment. The girls love when you go to there school activities which is much easier if you are in the hood. They also love you taking then to birthdays and other events on the weekend.
Originally when you left you indicated that you would come over on occasion and take the girls to school. PleAse know you are welcome to come and see the girls anytime even if it is not on your schedule - they would love to have dinner or go for ice cream with you during the week. I'm sorry if during the divorce process it seemed like I was not amenable to that.
Also I would like to meet Jess at some point since she will play such a big role in the girls lives for a long time. Maybe coffee or just at a pick up
This Is What He wrote back, filled with such lies and distortions:
Yes you have not seemed amenable to things like that. In fact, the last 3 years you reacted completely opposite to that- even to the point of not allowing Wednesday nights. So I need to digest what you wrote here. Including meeting Jess. Just seems totally hot and cold. I really wanted you to at least seem supportive to the girls and that is not what has happened so far.
We are looking outside of Brooklyn. I am not comfortable in Park Slope. But that won't change me being able to do occasional school things or take them to weekend activities when they are with me.
I'm glad you're coming around. I wish you felt this way during the divorce process, that would've saved us both a lot of pain and a lot of money. But I am glad. And appreciative of the friday scenario lately.
How do you feel about the response BM? My initial feeling was very negative ( in that it was a smug response wrapped in denial and entitlement. ) I am going to re read it again.
I totally agree with you busting out. This email sent me spinning so much. I mean I felt okay after he told me he was moving in with his gf again but this email brought me back a little.
it really reminded me of what I believed for the first year that this is all my fault because I am complete b!tch. It took me months and months of these boards, therapy and alanon to not blame myself.
Him not recognizing at all how nice I have been. How I tell our children what a great dad he is. How I raise our children as a single mom and attend every event where as he went to 1 event and he gives me zero credit. Oh thanks for friday nights.
Meanwhile he has them till Monday morning but always returns them Sunday night.
Gotta run... bedtime
BK,
His response is of course that he's been victimized. At least that's the way I read it. I thought your email was nice and concise.
You seem like a great mom and your girls so appreciate it. Keep focusing on you and them. Stay on the positive trajectory!
How do you feel about the response BM? My initial feeling was very negative ( in that it was a smug response wrapped in denial and entitlement. ) I am going to re read it again.
Yeah, I pretty much want to punch him in the face after reading that Brook.
He coulda just said, "Yes, Brook, I was a saint for putting up with you through all this while I had my affair and left you and the kids. I'm glad you are finally seeing what a fabulous, loving guy I am. I'm the bomb."
You took the high road. Your note was thoughtful and kind and amazingly generous. I hope you don't spin long. He sounds like he is still one angry guy stuck in self-pity and a huge EGO.
HUGE EGO...
Life has a tendency to cut everyone down to size eventually. I almost feel sorry for Jess. Almost. Something tells me she isn't gonna have it all peachy keen with this "great" guy.
BM - this email is the voice of emotional abuse talking. It focuses on His feelings and Your actions. What I have learned is to keep a steady drip drip of Their actions and My feelings resulting from this.
So any response to your xh focuses on how you feel and felt as a result of what he did. [If you didn't pick up on Portia's reference to soulmate schmoopies - you just need to gooogle it - it reminds you how crazy these people really are. It isn't you it is him.)
There are many responses to that rude and entitled email, but I would not defend myself at all, but just keep the focus on his actions and how you feel. They like to play the blame game.
The other thing that abusers fail to do which is related, is not take ANY responsibility for the state of affairs, but play the victim. An emotionally 'normal' person who does something hurtful tries to put things right, and see the other person's point of view, even if they do not agree.
BM I think it is amazing that you are so positive to your girls. This man is a MLC jerk - we all see variations on the same script - lazy selfish and entitled.
Deep down I suspect he knows he is wrong from beginning to end, but if he admits even a particle of responsibility that would shatter the whole house of cars he has built.
Thanks guys - its so good for me to read that its not me. I feel like the email is so subtle in its abuse.
Even 3 years later he has never once said sorry for anything. 2 years ago after I told him sorry for the 1000th time, someone on these boards told me to stop apologizing. One of the best pieces of advice ever.
He is a victim of me, to this day I am the cause of everything.
Thank goodness - I have found a way to work on me. Own the things I own and lose the rest, sometimes I just need a reminder.
B - """Deep down I suspect he knows he is wrong from beginning to end, but if he admits even a particle of responsibility that would shatter the whole house of cars he has built."""
This is something I know in my heart but needed to hear again from someone else - thank you.
Thank you guys so so much.
I feel much better this morning and able to walk away from thinking about it.
Kids and I have a busy weekend. mothers Day, my fathers 70th!! today, we are cooking and making him presents this morning, and a kid party with a bouncy house (VERY usual in bklyn since there is no room)
Maybe I will respond on Monday... maybe
I completely echo everything Bea said ^^^^
You are an amazing Mum BK. X
BM,
So funny you said nothing was your h's fault. I just said this am that I don't think my h ever apologized for anything in 12 1:2 years. Why? Because he's done anything wrong. Funny how everyone else on the planet has though
Hey BK, just catching up.
You're going to be OK, you are OK, you've always been OK.
You're XH can say whatever, he has his story. You don't have to buy into it.
Keep writing your own story. Too often we get caught up in our past forgetting that every day is a chance to be different and we can let the past go.
XH is welcome to stay with his dated vision of you but you can recognize when he's doing that. Let it go (as your thread title says). You don't have to prove anything to anyone.
Brene Brown uses this quote by T. Roosevelt "It's not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. [b]The credit belongs to the person who is in the arena.[b] Whose face is marred with dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly ... who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly ..." in her writing about shame.
Your H is not in the arena.
Brook,
If you can read that note from a solid place of detachment, he sounds like such a small person. A very small person who wouldn't even consider his decisions may not serve his children well.
I know that you, however, would look at every angle (and have) with honesty and self-examination when it comes to finding the best solution for your kids. That says it all.
I agree with Bea. Somewhere down deep, I bet he knows what's he's done...but, the whole house of cards will fall if he admits it. What a miserable way to live.
Thanks again -
Heather you are so right about how small he is. Have you guys read Alec Baldwins insane rant in New York Mag from Feb. It reminded me of that. Just so unable to see his contribution.
In a few days I may reply from a place of detachment. I just have been silent since Labor day 2011 while he shaped the whole story and I did not reply. While I see your point Labug I also think its similar to my response to those who think we should teach creationism along side evolution. That is insane - creationism didnt happen, we know evolution did.
I am glad I have been silent for so long in many ways because it has allowed me to see what I needed to own.
But I also feel that I am doing a disservice to myself and my girls if I sit silently while he continues to say untruths about me and our story.
I am sure many of you have seen this famous poem by Martin Neumoller before
When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.
When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.
When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.
When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I wasn't a Jew.
When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
***
Thanks again guys, I needed the love & to feel like a great mom again. Now I feel refreshed and back
hmmm.. I don't understand this
While I see your point Labug I also think its similar to my response to those who think we should teach creationism along side evolution. That is insane - creationism didnt happen, we know evolution did.
in relation to what I posted. Tell me more.
Part of what I read in your quote and post was we dont have to force the MLC to see who we are today or show them trials and tribulations we overcome each day in raising our kids. That just by us being truthful to ourselves we come out on top.
I just also think we need to speak the truth when giving the opportunity or its like teaching creationism in a science class. Sometimes there is truth and there is fantasy. My ex's belief that I have not been overly accomandating is a complete untruth. All my divorced friends tell me not to switch weekend with him any more but I continue so he will see the kids. He sees the kids about 4 days a months. Calls maybe 2 times a week and will never call via FaceTime or Skpe. He makes zero effort. He has been to 1 school event all year. That is the truth.
BK,
I started at the beginning of your sitch and read the first 3 threads and I've been following along since joining. Your sitch has some similarities to mine so I wanted to comment on a few things.
Obviously, you've been at this longer than me. My h had many of the same complaints your h did (not enough affection and SSM-mine were valid and out marriage was more SS than yours from the reading I've done). I thought too if I had just let him kiss me or if I didn't keep rejecting him on ML, then we wouldn't be here. I realized fairly early on that most of these scenarios are unexplainable and that wouldn't have changed anything. I thought that lack of intimacy was our "issue", then h said I never supported him, he loved me more than I loved him, I tried to save money, had to be right, never went out with him on Valentine's Day (he never asked), I was too logical, too intuitive, kids loved me more, etc......Do you see where we are going? No matter what I fixed (and I have fixed what I knew was wrong. And some were valid. Very valid. Some were crazy. Gotta work on intimacy cause I can't do that with h) it was something else. And when I reread your h's email response back to you I just felt compelled to post. No matter what you do, your h will find fault with it.
I am so impressed with how far you've come. You sound so strong and determined which is great. I do think there are certain personalities who cannot ever take responsibility for their actions. Why? Well that would ruin the entire, " I'm a victim in everything " role. I remember during my M I thought it was strange that my h never apologized and actually used to say that it wasn't him-it was everyone else. I just thought,"eh. Maybe he just doesn't know how to say a simple " I'm sorry." Now I realize, that he truly cannot take the blame for anything because he would have to look ar himself.
Your h probably moved on to Jess because she buys his poor me persona. My was actually tweeting his stuff 2 weeks after moving out and promptly found a taker. My h puts the "I'm such a devoted dad and love my kids" out there because it would be horrible to put that he says he never misses the kids, they've ruined his life and that he cannot stand being around s11. Pity party wouldn't be very big if he put the stuff that's he's told me for quite a while. Same for your h. You have to be the one not amenable to things because if it was him sometimes, he would have to admit that.
I posted this long rambling diatribe to say I think you are doing so well. You don't have to respond to his email because you don't have to prove anything to him. He has his story and until he can truly tackle his demons, he will have another story for Jess at some point. Sorry for the novel.
Hope you had a great Mother's Day.
Part of what I read in your quote and post was we dont have to force the MLC to see who we are today or show them trials and tribulations we overcome each day in raising our kids. That just by us being truthful to ourselves we come out on top.
I just also think we need to speak the truth when giving the opportunity or its like teaching creationism in a science class. Sometimes there is truth and there is fantasy. My ex's belief that I have not been overly accomandating is a complete untruth. All my divorced friends tell me not to switch weekend with him any more but I continue so he will see the kids. He sees the kids about 4 days a months. Calls maybe 2 times a week and will never call via FaceTime or Skpe. He makes zero effort. He has been to 1 school event all year. That is the truth.
OK, now I have a better understanding.
I believe we should speak and live our truth. I have no control of how others interpret that and it doesn't matter to as long as I'm acting with honesty, integrity and a level of kindness.
When I move to, I'm going to do x in and effort to get someone to change or see me in a different light (and it happens more than I like to admit), I'm in trouble, resentment follows.
((bk))
Georgia you have no idea how much it means to me that you read my early threads. It really means a lot. I cant even imagine rereading them it would be too painful.
Yes - labug I do want my xH to be a decent dad and show up for his kids. That is an expectation. My D5 draws her family with 4 people, Daddy, Mommy, herself and little sister - D4 only draws a family with 3 people - Mommy & 2 sisters. Everyday when I see dads at drop off - he has done 1 drop off all year. These things break my heart. I keep going but yes I would hope someday he will want to show up for his kids.
Anyway it doesnt feel like I will respond to his last email. Just too busy with the girls and my life.
Life is good. Having a beautiful day with my little one. She is really an angel! Amazing amazing girl. I am so lucky:)
Oh Brook,
I can so relate to the drop-off hurt. I felt the same thing when I went to pick up D19 at college. Dads should be there. They SHOULD be there. But, D19's wasn't.
Isn't it funny how we are feeling some of the same pain and our kids are sooo far apart in age??!
Smokey never saw D19's dorm room her freshman year. Her freshman year is over and he never even once saw her room or met her roommate. How sad is that??
But, moving forward...
What if???? What about the dads who DO this dropping off for little ones and picking up at college? What about the guys who do this stuff, but are still limited in their ability to be good husbands and good dads? What if our girls dodged a bullet of sorts.
They have, yours especially, have a chance to be raised by a strong mother who will find love at some point in another, worthwhile, strong, together guy. I don't know about you, but I'm not settling on the next one. He WILL be someone my girls can look up to.
My D19 has no plans to marry young so I'm thinking that right now, she really needs to see a strong mom who earns and takes care of herself MORE than she needs to see a dad drop her off/pick her up at school. Yes, it would be lovely and, yes, it's what I wanted for her...but, it wasn't my call.
She will still be ok. And, hopefully, she will learn to stand on her own two feet and meet someone who makes her life even better as opposed to having someone who tears her down the way Smokey did to me.
It's not too late Brook, it just "is what it is" for now. But, I get that it's still sad and painful.
Hey all, I have a two questions and need some feedback
1. H has not moved forward with my request (see Email posted a page back) to meet his OW, and they will soon be living together. She will be a step mother essentially to my girls and as much as I dont want to meet her I feel that I need to met the woman that is part of this co-parenting thing. All 3 of us need to fake it for the sake of the kids, maybe at one point in the distant future it will not be faking.
2. H has the girls this long weekend and is taking them on a 6+ hour car trip to his sisters in Maine. When the girls stay over his house he has been very clear that I should not pack anything. But now I feel the need to pack for this longer trip. CDs for the car (they cant go anywhere without the Frozen soundtrack), sweatshirts & bathing suits. They are my babies and I want to mother them. They are so excited about the trip and packing will help me be a part of it.
Can I ask him if we should pack anything? Also I know he is gonna want their sleeping bags, so why hasnt he emailed me to tell me that. The communication with him is so difficult.
Hi BK,
My 2 cents....... I wouldn't push the meeting OW again right now. That can be addressed later
In regards to packing, I know from experience at the ages your girls are, there may be things they want to bring on their trip. If they want to pack a little bag, I say let them. Maybe they want to bring some crackers. I think they are old enough to say "I want to take can on my trip." It's not undermining your h-it's letting your girls prepare for the trip.
Sleeping bags? If you texted him, "do the girls need their sleeping bags?" would he not respond? I think that's a legit, simple question.
I agree.
Brook, Let it Go. He needs to be the parent on this trip, no matter how big a fail he may be. Let him handle it. It's not your job to make this trip a success, it's his.
The girls hopefully, will let him know if there's something they can't live without. Maybe just tell them that it's important to ask for what they need/want to take and discuss it with their dad. In order to survive their father's character defects, they will NEED to learn early to speak up in order to get their needs met. Let them.
I don't think you should be the in-between...anymore than you have to.
Let God handle this one. :-)
Just want to say, it's not just dad's who can lose their way. Just as much as dad's should be there, mom's should as well. I have been one of the "drop-off" dad's, haven't missed but a handful of school things in the 12 years my oldest has been in school and the 8 my youngest while my W has gone to almost none since she started down the MLC road 3 years ago. I know how it feels to be the only dad at school events sitting there alone amongst mom's or couples. I'm so much closer to the mom's of my D's friends because while I always made it to the events, my W hardly ever would and still doesn't. I have always been the one to take them to their dances or parties or sleepovers because my W never wanted to. Then she says the other parents "don't like" her. No, they just don't know her!
It's just another reminder that it's not anything we do or don't do, it's not our fault that our S's have become these selfish, needing to blame anyone (especially us!) for their unhappiness people. They are in the MLC fog and I really believe that if some of them ever did start to see how they did contribute to the problems in the M, saw how their actions have made it impossible for there to be any outcome but ending the M, they couldn't handle it. It would snap their ego and the guilt would crush them!
Easier to hide behind the victim wall. To change the past or make up things out of whole cloth to show the world what great people who have been so wronged they are. MLC is an equal opportunity mind killer.
By the way Broklyn, you sound like a great mother who wants only what's best for her kids and are doing the best you can in a bad sitch you didn't ask for. Keep being the great person you are and you can be sure your kids will see it and learn a wonderful lesson about how to stay strong no matter what life throws at them!
Noted. Sorry Matt. You're are absolutely right. Plenty of moms drop the ball on parenting. Your D is lucky to have you. :-)
And, I agree. I think the full impact of the guilt would derail these MLC spouses and probably paralyze them from being able to function. I'm sure, at least in my case, that avoiding the kids is part of what keeps that guilt from eating them up whole.
I agree with others. The kids will have to be on their own, unless you feel there's abusive situations. I addressed some of these issues with the xH and he had to handle with his new W (this was 15 years ago). Kids are young men and relate with her okay, but I am their mom. Some things, unfortunately, have to work out on their own, depending on how long the R goes with the OW. A little advice: You're the mom and H is father and the OW doesn't even know the kids, but may want to relate at some time. She may not even want them around. I had this situation and that's difficult. Your H & OW may not last long and then you'll have to help kids through it wasn't their fault syndrome. Be the listening parent and have a lot of good parenting skills and talk with the children and give them a good example.
Bk you are a great mom. I read more than I post but I really admire you and your parenting. I understand your dilemma. I know you will make the best decision for the kids. All my love to you xx
Thanks guys for all the feedback.
I would love to write more but I am in the playground and it's a little distracting
I was so happy when I read these posts yesterday at the playground. It makes me feel so loved and just knowing I have this awesome support system makes problems not seem so daunting.
So I took Georgia's advice and emailed him, sleeping bags?? He replied yes and then emailed through out the day yesterday and this morning more things to pack. I packed them up this morning and it made me feel so much better just to know that I am sending stuff with them. Its like a little part of me is going.
They are my babies. I am the mama.
Regarding the OW, I am gonna give it some more time until I bring it up again. Like if he gives me a date that they are moving in together I will suggest she come with him for a pick up/drop off.
I have accepted that she will be part of their lives and in some ways my life. It doesnt have to be a big to-do but she needs to meet me face to face.
Yes gabby I am sure my xh doesnt want us to meet cause he is trying to control the sitch and doesn't want OW to feel bad in anyway. I already know from mutual friends that OW & exH see OW as a victim in all this because she is just doing this for love and she had nothing to do with breaking up a family... why would anyone judge her for that?
Girls & ex left this evening and boy and I ready for a break from my kids. H switched with me last weekend so I have had the kids for 3 weeks straight with no break.
It is really hard being a single mom. Luckily my parents or sister come over 2x a week to help with bedtime.
Spent about 10 mins with ex during the exchange and I feel terrible after I see him. I feel my self esteem go down. I am going to ponder these dynamics this weekend cause I must be part of the reason I feel this way.
I also know my ex is very passive aggressive and I think I play into his script rather then call him out and once he is gone I feel bad they I have said nothing.
Like he said twice while he was here that they were not leaving directly from our place for their trip, they had to return to his apartment so he could finish dinner.
That sounded like such BS to me. I think he needed to go back to his place to pick up OW.
I would like him to be honest in front of our kids and honest to me (LOL not like he has ever been honest with me).
That was biggest issue. But he is constantly manipulating everything in his small/subtle passive aggressive ways and I hate being around him.
I have a busy & fun weekend planned and I really need a break from the kiddos!
I'm glad you are getting a break this weekend!!
D11 spent the night at a friend's house tonight. This is HUGE for her! I get a night and I'm enjoying it.
Your H sounds like a very intimidating, super big ego type of...like to spread my ego around-kinda guy...sounds like my dad. It's taken a long time for me to feel safe in my own skin around my dad. Maybe it's just a matter of time BK before you begin to feel safe enough to call him out on his B.S. I see you identifying the B.S. more and more.
He is such a little boy. It comes across in every post about him...a very immature little boy.
Look at your timeline. Three years ago this time of year, you were spinning from the ILYBNILWY. You've only been divorced since December. Give yourself some time to strengthen this new you. She's there, she's just still a little uncertain of herself. Who wouldn't be in the face of the guy who turned your world upside down. You'll get there.
One day, your grown up self will look at him and see the little boy who has no power over you anymore.
Thanks Heather - it helps to know I am not crazy and that he is really a child.
i had a lovely weekend at the beach. A gf and I from work stayed at our boss' place near the fancy Hamptons. It was quite glorious. I hung out a bit with my boss' 11 yr old daughter and that was super fun. It gave me an idea of what was coming up.
I got back to my apartment late Sunday night and spent Monday doing chores and running errands without the kids (also found some time for yoga).
Kids came back in early evening. I hate to say this but I went a little nuts. i asked them how there weekend was and they said fine and told me nothing. I was then berating them with questions. I asked d5 if she missed me and she said not really she was busy with her cousins.
I felt really rejected and I felt totally replaced because OW was on this trip with them. I felt like she got to spend the weekend mothering my kids and missed out on that. I felt jealous of my H and his GF for having a partner to help when they have the kids. Being a single mom is hard and I feel like I miss out on some of the fun cause its only me.
Positive Note: Anyway I didnt lose it completely with the kids. Several times last night I wanted to trash H and his GF and I zipped the lip. After bedtime I read some Alanon literature and that made me feel better. Today I am writing about it here to release myself from the guilt I feel.
I am back to my happy life. I have the girls for the next 2 weeks. And I hopefully wont have to deal with ex until then.
Love you guys, hope everyone had a nice weekend.
Lets all pray for the families in Santa barbara
Hey Guys,
I thought I could offer my two cents here as an "old mother," opposed to you youngsters. :-)
Also, my Dad had his midlife crisis when my brother was a newborn. The OW actually gave my mom the outfit we brought my lil bro home in. We, at that point, had NO idea. I watched my brother grow up with OW. My dad left when he was an infant.
Anyway, the parenting the OW will do isn't real parenting. They get the weekend parenting.
When your girls say, "I hate YOU! You've ruined my life" (AND THEY WILL LOL), WELL, that's the real parenting.
When you realize that the "friend" who sits on the bus with them is telling them about blow jobs...that's the real parenting.
When they want to wear the latest in SlutWear to the school dance, that's real parenting.
My dad and OW did a lot of weekend parenting. To this day, they don't know the day-to-day details of life for my brother. My mom does. My mom knows that my SIL recently had a miscarriage. My mom knows how stressed by brother was when his inlaws had financial issues. These are the details a MOM knows.
OW will never replace you. I promise. They will grow to care for her like they do an aunt. But, YOU will ALWAYS be the MOM.
Women who are comfortable becoming a third wheel in a marriage/family are not, IMH, able to have deep and meaningful relationships with anyone, let alone children. It's easy when they are little...just wait.
The next time they freak out at you because you "Ruined MY LIFE!" know they only do that because they feel safe. They will give you all the nasty because you are the mom.
It's a huge burden as a single mom...but, that's the payoff for being truly, genuinely THERE for them. And, they will appreciate it...eventually.
And, you guys are doing the grunt work right now since they are little. I remember how exhausting it is. Even with Smokey living here, I was very alone.
But, the consistency and effort you put in now, it does pay off. Funny thing, you will forget the little stuff that you did when you didn't feel like you had anymore energy...they won't. My D20 reminds me constantly of stuff I completely forgot. Stuff that meant the world to her.
"Mom, remember when I collapsed on the soccer field because I couldn't do one more 180 and I started crying? You were there urging me to get up."
"Mom, remember when you forced me to actually drive 1000 hours before I was allowed to take my driving test? I hated you for that, but, I appreciate it now."
It's the in-the-trenches stuff they appreciate later on. For reals.
Gm - thanks for letting me know I am not alone
Aw thank you so much heather what a great post.
Feeling great today. Kids and I are back to our usual routines
Just wanted to note some usually normal behavior from xH;
He thanked me via text yesterday and acknowledged that I did him a favor when the kids came home early on Monday.
Has called the kids in the afternoon to say hi.... never done that.
Has been texting and asking me about school for next year since he knows I went to a meeting about 1st grade. He has never participated in any of this school stuff since he left. He went to 1 school event this year out over 30ish.
who knows why, but it is nice.
Also he wanted to come by this morning and drop off the sleeping bags that we left in his car. I replied that is wasn't necessary but he could come over any day and walk kids to school even if is wasnt his day. (There has never been a time when he has not been invited over to see or help with the kids). This time he said thank you.
It would be great if I actually had someone to discuss parenting issues.
I am friends with UR Worthy on the alt under my real name. Picture of me and my girls on my stoop.
Hi Bklyn!
Just want to let you know something about girls when they get older, at least my kids. Mine are 14 and 18. Since my W went into her MLC world about 3 years ago, my youngest would have been 11 or 12. Right now with my W now filing for D, my girls know who has been there for them the last few years. My oldest is away at her first real job and has been gone about 2 weeks. She texts me every day and calls me often. She hardly ever does with my W.Last night she called late, just to talk (wow, that felt great!) and I had to ask her to talk to her mom who was in the same room and heard me on the call.
My 14 year old is so angry about the sitch but she also knows that I have really tried. When she needs to talk, it's me she comes to, not her mom. I encourage her to talk to her mom and never say a bad word. When she asks about something her mom does or why things aren't working I tell her that her mom is unhappy and is wanting that to change. That she loves her and it's not about her. My W on the other hand just for the first time last week said she thought D14 "may" suspect something is wrong in our marriage! How she can't see the pain in her own D is beyond me.
Both of them still act up now and again, their teenagers. But they are also old enough to know who cares about them. Who has been there while mom went awol. No one, especially the OW will ever be anywhere near as close to or important as you. You may not know it now but they do see that you are the one who will always be there no matter what. Keep being the great mom you are and sooner than you think, you will see just how much you mean to them. Who they want to share their lives with on a daily basis not just on the weekends. Believe me it feels great when you are the one who gets the call to share their joy or cry over their pain. I wish it was both their mom and I but that was her choice.
Keep on keeping on, Bklyn! You sound like you're doing great!
Hi All
Just thought I would update over here.
The girls & I are doing great. They are so amazing. Although I have come to Need my weekends without them just so I can get a break.
We are looking forward to an amazing summer when school gets out in 2 weeks. We are planning to spend a lot of time at my parents house in upstate NY and also have a 1 week beach vacation planned with extended family.
Things are frosty with my exH. As I continue to keep my side of the street clean it has become more and more glaring how crazy,distant & removed he is.
Last weekend which was exH weekend with the kids, exH parents came for a unexpected visit. It was also my D4 dance recital. She was amazing!! exH, kids and his parents and I all walked back to my house together. During that 10 minute walk it was just so glaring how normal I was and how strange my exH was.
My exH is so high functioning - very successful at work and he is quiet, so it was hard at the beginning to see his distress, and that made me feel like everyone must believe him that I am a crazy B!tch. Even I believed him.
Now as time goes on and my exH continues to make selfish and self centered decisions with no regard to his kids, i.e. wanting to move to manhattan, taking more work out of state. I feel like even his parents are starting to see that he has a problem.
Its important for me to write about this stuff because I truly believed for so long that this was all my fault. I was a bad wife and a bad woman. That is so far from the truth.
It was funny a woman asked me after an Alanon meeting the other night if my exH was still active and I wanted to say "Oh no he's not an alcoholic" but I caught myself and just said "yes"
Life is good!
I'm sure you and the kids will have a wonderful summer and I'm sure everyone will enjoy the beach. Glad to read that everything went okay at D4's recital. I'm sure she looked beautiful and did very well. I hope you took photos!
No, it was never you and I'm glad you've finally come to realize that. You are far more grounded than he is and you have begun to move forward and find your way again.
Keep up the good work!
I am really glad I read your post today. I have been struggling with being concerned that people believe I am a crazy bit##. My mind knows it doesn't matter what other people think but still....
Thanks for the encouragement job. It's alwAys nice to have it confirmed that I am going in the right direction.
Julie- Tina fey has a quote something like - men call woman crazy that they no longer want to sleep with
BK,
You sound like you are doing well and have a fun summer planned. They do have a way of making us sound like a 3rd world dictator don't they ?:).
Yes, your M had issues. Everyone's does. But I'm glad you figured out it's him not you. You have made changes that make you a better person and that's great. Your h may or may not make changes. Only time will tell on that.
Keep up all the good work!
Xh emailed me that he is moving to manhattan by July 1. He does not say upfront that he is moving in with gf but I know that's the case and he also gave me his new address which is her address.
I am so sad for my girls. He will be 45 mins to an hr from us and never be available to take them to school or pick them up. He is making his absence from their lives so permanent.
I hate him
I'm sorry Brook.
He doesn't get it, does he?
For me, I hate, hate, hate what COULD be for my girls. But, the reality is that their dad is in no condition to parent them right now. He is selfish, self-involved, self-centered and Self Will Run Riot.
If he WAS present in their lives consistently, I'm not sure that it wouldn't cause them MORE pain and destruction...at this point.
I'm sorry for your pain. I know this isn't what you wanted for your two precious girls and it's so far from what they deserve from a dad.
Brook,
One other thought...I know this isn't what we all dream about when we first hold them in our arms...but...
I was raised by a dad that sounds a lot like your ExH. My dad is very full of himself and always drives around in the latest Ferrari to feed his ego.
I spent last weekend with my sister. There were things I saw that I felt sad about. My sister runs herself ragged while my BIL is treated like a King. He gets to go and do whatever he wants...and spend whatever he wants, while my sister works like a dog to keep up with the kids and her job and everything else. She neglects herself and builds him up. She doesn't see it.
When you ask my sister, "Are you OK?"...when it's obvious she is stressed...her response is, "I'm fine."
My anger towards my dad after his affairs and treatment of my mom gave me the space I needed from my dad over the years.
My sister, on the other hand, saw him like clockwork. Every other weekend with phone calls in between. He was very available to her in the sense that he was present physically and he was consistent. I appreciate now how my dad honored that commitment and he lived two hours away.
At the same time...I was just discussing this with D20 in fact...this meant my sister HAD to deal with my dad. I didn't.
My dad is a very sexist, full-of-himself kinda guy.
At 45, I still have a hard time speaking my own truth to my dad. He is a very intimidating kinda guy. My sister, on the other hand, she just agrees and NEVER, EVER gets angry.
Some distance from your ExH may be God's way of giving them some space to become the girls HE (God) intends, minus the overbearing stuff they will need to face during the time they do get with him.
Look at the facts. Your ExH is a D-Bag. Your dream was NEVER to have your girls raised by a D-Bag. Yes, it's sad...but, maybe it's your HP's way of taking care of those awesome little girls??
You are right heather- hp has a plan.
And my girls are thriving. It's his loss.
Although my parents did not split up my father was not at all available while I grew up. We barely had a relationship. He got sober when I was 16 & today I have the greatest dad ever I would not be as positive today as I am without his guidance.
We don't know hp plan
Hi Bklyn,
I would like to second what Heather said. Right now I'm dealing with the fact that I have watched my stbxW be an absent mom. She put our girls after everything else in her life and especially with the younger one, only seemed to yell at her as an interaction. She never went to school meetings, I had to pick her up from school every day and if I didn't come home from work every night, she would have been left alone until 8:00 or 9:00 almost every night. She never cooked meals, never had time or energy to talk or do things with her, etc.
Now she is moving and wanting her to stay with her at least 50% of the time. I am watching her change how she interacts with my D. Suddenly she is there for her and wants to talk and laugh. She gives her a phone when she wouldn't allow it for the last 2 years, gives her her time, never yells, etc. The thing is once my W is on her own and the demands of her life start weighing down on her, I know she will go back to being just like she was before. When she's with my D she says how she wants her to get to go to the school she wants to go to (very important to my D) but when our D isn't around she refuses to even consider it! When I ask her about what she plans on doing when she has to go away for work, she just tells me she will leave her with her "friends", something my D would never want! She hasn't even told her that she filed for D and is letting her believe that she is just trying to see if separation helps things.
I know that my W is lying to my D14. I know she is saying one thing to her and another when we talk. I know that my D is going to be hurt by just the fact that her parents are getting D. I must now have to worry about what will she feel when she finds out the truth and the truth is, right now my W will say anything she thinks our D wants to hear but will she really be able to come through when the reality of being a single parent with a D that needs her to be there hits her? The last 3 years tell me she won't. The fact that she says one thing to her and the opposite to me tells me the same.
You may very well end up glad that for now at least, your H is out of the picture. Your kids are where they need to be right now. With the sane acting, stable parent...YOU!
Thanks Matt - I know how it's all script but yet somehow still so shocking.
So painful to watch them mistreat our kids
Just thought I would post an update and journal a bit...
Life is good. My girls are amazing and I love being a mom. I feel so lucky.
This is the first weekend xh has had the girls since June 21. He has found excuses to give up his weekends. Its very sad.
But I have been the lucky one - able to spend that time with my girls. Its been an amazing summer thus far and now that my younger one is 4, it has been much easier to do stuff with them.
xh continues to constantly find ways to subtly say I am a b!$ch. He looks for excuses. He implies that I am a bad mom cause D4 has a paci at bedtime.
I used to let his little jabs get to me but I dont any more. He will always find something to make into a bad guy.
My life is fuller and richer then its ever been. I am doing very well at work and even doing more hobbies and work side projects in my free time.
I am a better friend and family member. More available and more engaged.
A family at my D5 school experienced a devastating tragedy this summer reminding me yet again how blessed we are for each and every day.
I still read these boards often. When I have pangs of "woe is me" - I always check my phone and read someones thread quickly. Helps me know I am not in this alone.
Also I always splurge on little treats for myself - like coffee or chocolate when I have a flash of sadness.
I also dont drink any more which I think has really been an amazing overall mood enhancer. When I rarely have 1 drink in the evening I feel it when I wake up and wonder how I was regularing drinking 2-3 glasses a night.
I love you all
and I love myself
I LOVE YOU TOO BK!! :-)
D11 had two pacifiers (she called them "bots") until 4. No big. She was comforted by them.
BK,
You sound wonderful. I'm glad you are enjoying your girls and having a fantastic summer. They are lucky to have such a great mom:-)
Yes, indulge in a little coffee or chocolate. Or try some chocolate covered espresso beans. Divine!
Sending you a hug. Keep up the good living!
Just wanted to write about pick up last weekend cause it is still gnawing at me
Picked up girls last Sunday from h new apartment with his girlfriend. Guess what she was down stairs. I tried to smile and be normal but my eyes were like daggers at her.
It's kind of bull that he brought her downstairs without giving me a heads up. I do want to improve my relationship with them but she contributed to the breakup of my marriage. She contributed to my kids having to shuttle back and forth between two homes. Seriously I hate her.
Both of the acting like I was somehow super b!tchy because I couldn't look at her without giving her the evil eye was such a mind f#ck.
Why am I portrayed to be the crazy b
It hurts my feelings.
If I were crazy I would act all real housewife on them but instead I tried to hide it but my eyes couldn't. It hurt so much to see that little hooker and for her to act like she did nothing wrong.
All my recovery and the pealing of my shell had made me accept that I am a sensitive person. Communication is 90% nonverbal and I am very sensitive to that
BK I am with you. I have to see OW in my sitch all the time too. She acts like she did nothing wrong and neither one can understand why I am upset. Why can't we all be friends. No chance in he!!
I told my X there is no way we will ever be friends. Expect civility and nothing more. He looked at me like my face had gone green.
Hang in there.
WH
Because if you are not crazy - what's his excuse? WAS need constant fuel to their fire somehow.
Let them think what they want... but let it go. And I don't mean let go of what happened and shrug it off.. I mean let go of the hope that your H is going to perceive you differently than how he does currently....
.. because the only person who can change that perspective is himself.
((( )))
Why am I portrayed to be the crazy b?
You already know the answer to this question my friend. :-)
Take two steps back and consider the source.
Brook, who are these two people really? I don't care how shiny and new and whatever she is...she felt she had to break up someone's marriage in order to create her own life with this man. In MY WORLD VIEW, that's the definition of a crazy B.
That's not who you are Brook.
Look at them honestly. Not the image they convey...but, the reality. How much time has this man spent with his daughters? How often does he put their needs first on his list of priorities?
Ask yourself these questions:
Is he someone who has his priorities aligned?
Is she someone you would choose to be friends with if you weren't the LBS?
I'm sure he has some good qualities...but, for the person YOU ARE TODAY...is he someone you would choose to be with FOREVER? Someone who has done the things he has done?
Consider the source Brook. These two people are leading such a shallow existence, beating you up is how they choose to spend their time? Is that the mark of a healthy relationship? One built on the destruction of another person/another family/a hotbed of lies and dishonesty.
Alcoholics project Brook. Get into your Invisible plane Wonder Woman and allow the crappola to ricochet off the sides. It's not your shame to carry...it's their's.
BK,
I'm sorry this was a difficult exchange for you. Why do they look at you like you are crazy? Well, you are focusing on living your life and raising the children you had with your h. Neither your xh or his shiny new gf can relate to the focusing on the children aspect.
My h's gf said she rescued him. I couldn't stifle a chuckle. Right now she has *rescued* a 41 year old man who acts 14 and whose own d refuses to spend the night at his apartment because her Dad is so weird. I'm not exactly sure what she rescued:-)
Just remember, your h is still angry about.....,whatever. He's angry that you have moved on. He's angry that you are raising the kids. He's angry that it's Sunday. Still, I understand that it hurts. You had a family with this man.
You are doing great! Enjoy those beautiful girls.
Thanks so much ladies. Your words are so powerful. I am gonna reread them all week.
I have a really hard time not being liked even if I'm not liked by a jerk.
It is something that makes me very uncomfortable and rather then focus on myself I focus on getting the other person to like me.
(Just writing it makes me see what a bad strategy this is)
I also do this at work and while it has led to a fair amount of success I think it prevents me from moving up to my potential because I don't want to step on someone's toes and have them dislike me.
I want to beat my ex and his girlfriend and a debate and have them admit that I right and they are wrong.
Just want to post that my cousin who left her h and kids 2 yrs ago. (She had joint custody but they live with her husband). Admitted to my mother this weekend that she doesn't think she did the right thing by leaving. It only took her 2 1/2 years.
Hi, just hang on to the thought 'What kind of woman sleeps with a married man'
You know, when I was young and hot and single I wouldn't have ever needed to think of married men. There were so many single and attractive guys out there (not so much these days at 55+ but that is another story
)
So in every way these women are losers. Helping to bring up another person's kids? While the mother is still in the picture? I don't think so.
Everything I have heard about these sitches tells me that it isn't the lovely little paradise they both hope for. And guess what - they can blame you!
As to the needing to be liked. This needs work. it is good to be a nice person, but remember the Katie Byron - Your business, other's people's business and God's business. Just keep your own side of the street clean and all else will fall into place.
It might be helpful to reflect on what in your upbringing caused you to need to be liked? Our self worth takes a huge knock when our spouse walks out, but we have to come back from this blow, although I admit it took me forever.
Yup yup yup to what everyone said. I am so sorry you had a hard time. But look at these 2 people with clear eyes. Does it really matter what they think?
Heather mentioned that alcoholics project. I am still learning about the disease. I had been thinking that most of the anger and projection we coming from h as WAS or MLC ER. This is an important piece to remember.
And look at it this way. Something good came out of the interaction. You are able to continue to learn about yourself and your triggers and move forwRd. So maybe be grateful to them for being a$$es. ( ha. I am trying to train myself to think this way so not there yet.)
Thank you guys so much.
I keep rereading everyone's posts throughout my day.
One thing this has taught me is I can not bury my feelings. I need to feel the
And figure out what is under them which is what you guys are helping me do.
The movie Boyhood - so good!! Check it out
I have read your sitch earlier in my journey. Since the unveiling of the most recent even in my journey, I find that things I read before have a new meaning. Going back and looking at your thread, I have found more similarities that have jumped out at me. These seem minor, but really, in our shoes, really impact our lives.
You stated, "...my father was not at all available while I grew up. We barely had a relationship. He got sober when I was 16 & today I have the greatest dad ever I would not be as positive today as I am without his guidance."
and
"I also dont drink any more which I think has really been an amazing overall mood enhancer. When I rarely have 1 drink in the evening I feel it when I wake up and wonder how I was regularing drinking 2-3 glasses a night."
Anyway, I just found that interesting. You are amazing and an inspiration for me. How we keep it together sometimes is a miracle in itself! And the audasity of these ow.... oh please!
Thanks mighty. It's nice to hear that you can relate to my posts. It really gives me a boast.
Gm I thought so much about your words "who cares if they think you are a b"
I don't know why I give a sh!t but I really feel this need to convince him I am not a b!tch. It's insane.
I have given in to him on so many things in the hope of convincing him that I am not a b!tch
I gave up alimony. I agreed to the sale of a rental property below what we owed on the mortgage - all because I didn't want to fight with him and be subtly call a b!tch for not agreeing with him
So now we have one more joint brokerage acct that he has asked me to split. I emailed back to him and said "sorry for my hesitation in getting this done but maybe could we keep the account entact and since it need both our signatures could we use it for the kids college?"
A week later he wrote back "I am not comfortable with that"
I am considering writing him back "why does that make you uncomfortable"
I really don't want to split this acct cause right now we have 30,000 for college. If we split it he will spend his half on vacations.
My xh is so so bad with money right now it's insane. Of course he blames his lack of funds on me but he pays the percentage as everyone else.
What do you guys think of that repsonse
I say be a B*tch. It's your account too.
Unless court says you have to liquidate it and split it keep it for your kids. But he will fight you tooth and nail to get his hands on That money.
But ultimately you can't control what he does with his half. Have you talked to a lawyer? He can't get that money unless you sign off right?
Just be aware things will get ugly when there is money involved. J owes me $3000 and I have gotten $100. I am not convinced I will ever see that money.
WH
Hi BK,
You are a wonderful mother who has really evolved over the last couple of years. I think you can look at this in a couple of ways. While I understand your h may spend it on vacations, that's really his poor judgment that you can't control. On the other hand, you could say "I'm not comfortable splitting the account."
Don't know what the divorce decree said so not sure where that factors in. However, just know you are not being an evil wench. Just looking out for you and your girls!
I think it's normal that we ALL do things to not be seen by our S's as being unreasonable (I can't be called a bitch for obvious reasons). My W gets so adamant that what I am asking for is just so heinous it makes me stop and question myself. 99% of the time, after having time to think about it, I wasn't being at all unreasonable! My W has gone back on almost everything she agreed to before filing her final decree PW. We were supposed to talk and agree to all sorts of things and each and every one is nothing like we spoke about. The thing about the MLCer is they are always the victim. They are always being taken advantage of or getting screwed by the LBS. We are the problem, we are the cause of their pain. We don't deserve to get anything. Anything they choose to give is more than we should be getting since they have had their whole life messed up by us. They want to see us as the bad guy and this is just another way to make that happen. Be careful and get what you think is right and don't be afraid to fight for something you know is best. In the end it won't make a bit of difference either way and it's best to do what you, the "sane" S thinks is best!
Just my $.02 worth!
Exh and gf taking a 10 day vacation to Mexico - he will miss our daughters bday and first day of first grade and prek.
I decided to not fight it and just split the stock account. It's in our divorce settlement. It is more about how he treats me then the actual thing. I hate how he treats me and it's through these boards that I work through those feelings.
Having an awesome summer with the girls.
BK,
His loss on missing those special events. I understand about the stock account-probably best just to eliminate any further ties to him.
You can't control the way he treats you-just how you react. I do like the kill them with kindness provided it doesn't go overboard. You have done nothing to be ashamed of. Glad the summer is going well!
Good for you, Brook. I find that separating as much financial connections or legal things as possible makes me feel better. It will soon be to the point that the only connection we have is the kids. Mine are older though. Even though we agreed to communicate about kids, he consistently contacted them about getting together. It backfired. The kids kept turning him down, whereas I would have just said, OK, you are going with dad today. Well his loss! He has not seen them all summer. I have had a good time with the kids and have done things we wouldn't have, otherwise.
I am glad you are enjoying the time with the girls. They are only little once. You can never get those times back... and they go so quickly. Mexico will always be there...
Don't let his decisions get to you. And it looks like you aren't- good for you. It would be easy to let these things get the best of us. But you are enjoying your time with the kids, you know what is important, and you know to cut off the legal/financial things to support yourself, but detach yourself. You are a great role model for the boards!