My husband is moving out tomorrow. Well soon to be ex husband.
He dropped the bomb on 1/6 and I had not seen it coming at all. The papers were filed and I signed them because there was no changing his mind, no sense fighting it, he wanted to be friendly. He doesn't want to work on it at all so I did all the wrong things first and then read DR and came here. Now i'm attempting to GAL, and detaching. We do not discuss the relationship at all. I don't ask questions, he offers nothing but talks about his work. I suspect an EA but separated the phone accounts so I don't look at bills anymore. It won't change anything if I know, only hurt me. I think he's in replay phase. He is almost a stranger yet sometimes he's still the same man I love so I pray for reconciliation. I'm hoping after he leaves that maybe he'll see that the grass isn't greener. He was sneaking things out of the house instead of just telling me he's moving. I finally asked. It was a relief. I hate the wondering. I read over the rules often and now when he leaves tomorrow I will go dark. We have no children but we do have a lot of pets that he loves. I don't know if he'll just be gone for good or will have contact. I will be patient and wait and see. It's super painful but I'm really trying to stay strong and hoping when he's gone I can heal. I have plans on painting, moving furniture and already removed all photos and things that were his or remind me of him. I have an early spring cleaning planned as well. I am going forward as if he will never come back. I was thinking some good things are that I will no longer be awakened by snoring or him getting out of bed several times a night to pee, smoke, eat, or whatever. I can watch what I want, sleep in on weekends, not feel like i'm walking on eggshells anymore. I so do not want this D but I feel in a way that he's giving me release from the past. I hope that the move out means the hardest part is over lol. I have been reading so many posts and just wonder what will happen next. I'm trying to Let Go and Let God. Thanks for listening, it helps to just vent it out and know I'm not alone.
He has packed up tonight, this is really hard to watch. I'm really trying to be strong and not cry. I don't want him to see me crying or sad about it. Trying to detach. Not sure what I should be doing. I knew it was coming but didn't realize how hard it would be. Tomorrow maybe I can start to heal. Just having a pity party right now
I'm sorry T. I'm sure Cadet will be along to list some suggested reading and give you homework.
I know this stinks. I know it hurts like he!! Take care of yourself this weekend as best you are able. Reading other people's situations helped me a lot when things were fresh. Reading reminded me that I wasn't alone. You're aren't alone.
I suggest slowing down and try to avoid your H as much as possible, at least for a few days, to give yourself some space.
Pity parties are fine, but balance those times with some action so you can feel your own strength.
You are in a good place here on the boards. You will find lots of loving, encouraging support.
Do you have friends or family to spend time with this weekend?
Much Love,
Heather
Thank you Lois. He left this morning, so this is my first night alone. I cried and cried but at the moment i'm ok. bed time will be weird. He just left, said see ya later and walked out the door. no anything after 17 years, no hug, no care about anyone but himself. Maybe he just didn't know how to say goodbye or wanted to avoid an emotional scene, I don't know. It's done now. He said he might stop by tomorrow to get the last of his things. I changed the lock code on the door and got my garage door opener back. I reorganized the closet since it's completely empty on his side, now it's all mine and clean. Tomorrow i'll rearrange some more things, keeps me busy and thinking of other things. I did have lunch with 2 girlfriends. Talked with my mother and brother and that helped. Just feels like my other half was ripped from my body and is hanging there bleeding. Even the pets are acting confused. It'll get better I know, just this first night is really difficult. Thank you again for responding.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power
My H was diagnosed with Low testosterone 6 months or so ago and started taking injections. I think this is when the changes started and maybe threw him into the MLC. he dropped the bomb on me 1/6. I was just curious if anyone here had any experience with testosterone replacement. He did improve after taking it but now he's angry more and his red blood cell count was high, they had him go donate blood and stop taking the shots for a few weeks, now he's back on them. I think he has an imbalance. He started smoking again shortly after starting the testosterone shots after we both worked so hard to quit. He kept that secret for a long time. He started flirting more and told me he almost didn't come home so that he could have a PA with a coworker. He's moving out tomorrow. I'm letting him go and following all the sandi's rules but was just curious if there's any others here with a similar thing going on.
Try to stick to one thread until 100 posts
Read the post I just put on Georgiabelles thread.
Odds are the testosterone is not going to help, sorry.
Hi TL,
I'm sorry you find yourself here. You will get fantastic advice from a warm and honest group. The best advice I can give is to detach, detach, detach! It's not easy, but when your spouse is acting like someone you don't know, it's much easier.
Take care of yourself :-)
Thanks Georgiabelle, I see we are on a similar timeline, you're just a bit ahead of me.
Last night was the hardest, today I did not cry at all. I've been reading these boards for a few weeks now after getting my DR book.
Today I rearranged furniture, cleaned house, decluttered the kitchen and put up a new shower curtain and liner and cleaned bathrooms. Also washed all the bedding and changed bed spreads. I kept busy all day changing the house up a bit for ME. I colored my hair, I already lost 20 lbs and felt strong today. He called to make arrangements to pick up the last of his things tomorrow. I only said "hello" and he talked and I said "ok" and then "bye". I know I probably shouldn't have answered the call. He is like a stranger now. I will continue to GAL and I'm not contacting him. Acting "as if" he won't come back because I know in my heart he may not. Still hoping though. Thanks for listening, i'm going to go read more of my homework now!!
He came by tonight to get the last of his things. I was kind and helped him load and had made my dinner so I offered to share. He did eat dinner with me and left shortly after with a "see ya later". After 17 years that's all I got. lol. well I didn't really expect anything else but I did not pursue and acted as if all was ok and I was fine. You know what, I am. I didn't cry after, the first night was the hardest. Now I figure he won't contact me and I don't plan on contacting him except for the remaining bills he is supposed to pay half of. It was weird, he only talked about work and asked me how mine was. I was nice but asked no questions about where he moved to or anything personal. Giving him space. I read all my "homework" today and have a better understanding about MLC. Now I will practice being patient and GAL and see if he contacts me again. I have no choice but to let go and let God.
Hi TL72
I am so sorry you are going through this! It sounds like you handled yourself well tonight! NC is a good idea! So is GAL! Hang in there and take care of you!
Hugs, CW
Thanks courageouswife, looking at your signature I see that I could have years and years of this... I don't know that I have the strength for that. I want to have hope and believe but right now it seems like he's just gone. Only time will tell. New journey! I have to keep a positive spin on this. I'm going to go read your story.
thanks again,
Tina
Not necessarily could it be this long for you and your H! Every situation is different! Don't let my sitch stop you from your journey! Keep working on yourself, GAL and leave your H to God!!! One day at a time!
Thanks CW - you're right, it seems that every case is definitely different but with lots of similarities. I'm dark right now. Still it seems to never leave my mind. I keep thinking he'll miss me and make contact. Trying to detach. I remembered that he has my car key so I need to get that back but i'm holding off asking because I don't want to make the first contact. I guess it's not that important. I will need to email him with his half of the bills though(the final bills before he moved out) but I think I'll wait and see another week if he asks for something. Part of me thinks that it's just over. Definitely one day at a time, just keep livin'
I'm establishing my own new routine, asking God for patience every day. Getting a new couch this weekend I think which will help me with making this my own home and not the home I shared with him. Already making small changes. I know i'm supposed to stop wondering about him and focus on myself but sometimes I am thinking that how will he know that I want him back. I guess he knows since I told him early on I did not want this divorce. We have not discussed it since but it will be final in April. Part of me hates him for doing this. Part of me thinks it must be a blessing in disguise. This last 2 months seems like forever. He's only been gone a few days so I just have to be still for a moment and see what happens. After all these years it is hard to think of yourself first and not in terms of the relationship or marriage. Now I am going to need to learn to love myself and just be me and not half of a couple. It's difficult when you are used to telling that person something when it happens, even something silly like what the cat did or there was a new bird at the feeder, I lost my friend as well. Not going to dwell on this - just still processing it. I'm not crying anymore so that to me is a good sign. Comfortably numb? I know it will pass, over time. I won't let it break me, life is too short. It's his problem now.
Hey TL!
I'm sorry he has filed for D. My H did that too but didn't follow through. I was told then by the wonderful people on this board that it didn't matter...just a piece of paper! That is true!
I, too, have moments when I want to pick up the phone and tell my H something that happened that I know he would be interested in but know that I cannot! That too, will get easier!
I like that you are changing things up to your liking in your home! What else are you doing for GAL?
Make sure you are protected financially!
The one thing I think I might have finally grasped this second time around is that you do need to look deep within yourself and work on the things you don't like. I had thought I had done that but after H came home, I fell back into the same old comfortable patterns/habits and had not changed at all! THIS is very important to do...not for your H but for you! You will be prepared for whatever happens in the future and you will learn to love yourself and be comfortable with you!
I think you are doing well!!!
Thanks CW,
I really appreciate you responding to my posts! It is so nice to just not be alone.
For GAL I have gone out to lunch with girlfriends 2 Saturday's in a row and I think we're going out Friday or Saturday night. That is new for me, I never go out really. I'm exercising and trying to eat healthy - since the BD I lost weight of course because I lost my appetite. I'm happy with that for sure, but not for the reason. I'm considering going to church which I've never done since I was a child. Going alone is a little scary for me, but it would be good for me. I've already separated all the accounts, he's off my checking and savings and my 401k is mine (it's in the divorce papers). The only thing left is to refi the house in my name only and I have a year to do so according to the papers. That's when I get angry that he basically abandoned me with this house we bought together and 6 pets. Now he can go buy expensive new stereo equipment and i'm stuck paying this huge mortgage on my own and caring for the animals. I love my animals but you know as a single person I never would have had 6, vet care is expensive. Then I stop having a pity party and think it is what it is, just take care of it. Just re-worked my budget. I'll get a 2nd job if I have to. I always handled the financials so you can believe I separated those out rather quickly. This weekend i'm going to do a deep cleaning on his bathroom that is now empty and change things up, also start painting and shopping for that new couch (mom is gifting me one). I was thinking that too about the divorce - just a paper. The old marriage is over, I threw out every picture of us and the wedding album and whatever else reminded me of it. It's over for good - if he were to ever wake up from this it would be a new relationship - clean slate. My thoughts drift to him since it is so new and thinking that he may be with OW but even that I can forgive. I can't predict the future so I just have to work through this and yes that means taking care of myself. I go to the dr on Friday for yearly physical and will ask for a referral for counseling. I find myself checking my phone to see if he texted or called. So lame. I'm doing it less and less though. I know this is a long journey and along the way maybe i'll find that I don't want him after all. OH and the other thing i'm doing is quitting smoking. I quit years ago but when he dropped the bomb... I picked it right up. Now my body is telling me to quit so I will be attempting that pretty quickly. Thank you for your words of encouragement. Still no contact.
Good job on your no contact TL! I admit I just contacted my ex yesterday about a movie I watched that only he would get a reference to- and it did elicit a positive light-hearted text from him. But this morning, coincidentally, the school called for me to pick up my daughter because she was sick, vomiting. Turns out, daughter told the nurse she was throwing up last night as well. So husband should not have taken her to school and I feel he should have informed me as well, when my daughter is that sick. But I think this is a good example of how they (husbands in MLC) change to be so focused on themselves that they just are not making mature decisions and certainly are not thinking about how anything affects you at all. Best to you in your journey. Thanks for checking in on mine, too.
Hi TL,just finished the two pages of your thread. I think you are doing amazingly well for the timeline of events you have experienced. You can see by mine that it has been almost a year since the BD on me . . and he just filed for D the beginning of Feb. And I still go through what you are describing, just not as much any more.
I also found all along that being alone with no one to share those things you used to share with not only your husband but best friend are some of the hardest times. That and crawling into bed alone at night. Ya, I don't miss the snoring either ( I can finally stay in my own bed)but there are times I would trade it to have him home and well. That's what ear plugs are for. <chuckle>
Yes, it will get easier later not to look for a text or missed phone call, so don't beat yourself up for wanting that right now. Your wounds are all still fresh. Yes, it does feel like a part of you was just ripped away, like some prehistoric surgery. Do all the crying you can when appropriate (not at work while you're on the phone or in a meeting,,,,), feel the hurt and work through it. Getting a reference to a counselor is a GREAT thing.
Yes, amazing how so many of the other posts here read as though you wrote it yourself - like you could sign your name to so many of them.
Stay as strong as you can (you will get stronger), feel all the emotions, cry, spend lots of time with your friends and if you're lucky, family, take comfort in them, and take comfort in your animals - they know something's up with you and will be there unconditionally (unlike some other 'animals' you know - you get my meaning,.,).
TL, I hope to come back soon and visit. Just know I, along with so many other people who are reading or who have read your posts but haven't answered, are here for you in soooo many ways.
Oh, how I wish you didn't have to go through this. But you've come to the right spot. You will get so much great advice and friendship here.
Love and hugs, my friend. Hang in there . . .
Oh, and I forgot to mention . . .scream . . . in the car while you are alone!
It's great afterwards.
And going dark, while it is really difficult right now, is really freeing the more you get used to it. Way to go, girl. I'm proud of you - I couldn't do it for a couple of months or more...
At times, be comfortably numb . . it's a good respite for your being.
Ok. I'll shut up now.
I agree with T=boned! You are doing really well for being so early into this! Being dark does get easier and gives you time to heal!
Glad you are going to keep up with no smoking! Don't let what your H is doing cause you to go backwards! When you take care of yourself and are feeling healthy...other good things start to fall into place!
wow thank you so much for your responses, that really warmed my heart this morning!!
DXW-i'm sorry your daughter was sick, that's so lame he didn't even tell you - just wow. How can they become such strangers?
Tboned - your words really touched me, thank you so much for taking the time to write. These responses are so helpful. I haven't screamed in the car yet, but I did scream in the shower.
I went dark and had not heard from him all week but last night I emailed him the bills due and asked if he had my car key. I hate that I had to do that but there was no chit chat involved. He responded via email and said "yes I found it the other day" meaning my car key. So now i'm like "and?? will you mail it or what?" I don't want to email him again. I will give it a few days and respond that perhaps he can mail it to me with the check for his half of the bills (utilities from before he moved out).
On a positive note - I'm GAL!!!! I went out for the first time in forever with a girlfriend last night. We went to see a band play locally and it was FUN. We mostly people watched and we were both scared to even go but after awhile it was just about us and enjoying some time out for awhile. It was a good distraction!
Yesterday I went to the doctor as part of my "take care of me" plan for my physical. I decided to ask her for the list of counselors and she asked "sure I have one, are you feeling depressed?" OMG, I started CRYING in the doctors office!!! I had not cried since last Saturday when he moved out. I was so embarrassed but would you believe my doctor told me the SAME thing happened to her, she said her husband left her 3 months ago and bought a red porsche and a condo and had a new gf. He left with only his clothes. She hugged me and I felt better even though I knew she was suffering too. Unbelievable, it's just hard to wrap your mind around it some times. I'm trying trying not to get too absorbed in any anger or resentment, and that's difficult. Thinking about joining church, I found one close by that seems it might be a good fit. I think maybe next Sunday. One week down alone! Going to do some things around the house today and prep to paint! Must move forward as if he's never coming back. Thanks again you guys for helping me through this, it is definitely a comfort to know you're not alone.
TL, going dark, the way I understand it, doesn't mean you can't communicate about 'business' items like getting bills paid, having your car key, or getting tax info - I had to do this just recently. I think it just involves not contacting him first about 'non-timely' matters, and not engaging in casual conversation or emails. Keep it short and to the point.
I reluctantly called my H yesterday (I've been as dark as possible for a while now) to tell him I had the house appraised that day - I thought calling was good since it is a big step. Wish I had just emailed him - it upsets me to talk to him. I kept it short on my end and when I tried to end the conversation, he started asking me about work...blah, blah, blah. All I wanted was to hang up! And when I did, I cried. I loved hearing his voice but was sad his 'happy' attitude wasn't because he was talking to me. It's just difficult! But a few minutes later I got busy with something else and tried to divert my mind. You'll get lots of practice doing that....
So glad to hear you went out with a friend last night! It really helps even though some times you just don't feel like it. Do it anyway. Try to say 'Yes' to anything friends or family ask you to do, again, even if you don't feel like it.
Good move to see the doctor. And isn't it crazy just how many people you are beginning to meet that are either going thru this or have gone thru it? It amazes me, but saddens me too that there is so much hurt going on out in the world due to people and their relationships with other people. Guess it's just the human condition because I think this has been going on since people have been interacting. On a more positive note, most everyone I know or who I've talked to about this (both male and female) say it does get better - you just have to make sure you take care of yourself, and it seems you are on that path.
Yes, move forward but don't beat yourself up for going a couple steps back - it's going to happen - just keep the forward progress no matter how slow it goes. I, and all the others are here for you!! You're doing great!
Have a good day today, and be good to yourself.
I'll check back soon.
Thanks T-boned
good to know about the going dark & contact about important issues, it can be confusing to know if you're doing the right thing and I hate analyzing everything I do. Time to "let it go" and trying to stop wondering about it all the time. I hear ya on the voice thing, but at the same time when he called last week to pick up the last of his things it was so surreal, like talking to someone I barely knew. Today has been good, the weather is good and I went to the store, bought myself lunch and a lottery ticket
came home and cleaned, did trash, litter boxes, kitchen, walked the dogs and re-organized my other closet. Now my things are spread out and the empty holes he left are filled. Now if I could do that in my heart
i realize it's early and I'm trying to push this pain along when in reality it will take awhile. You had your house appraised, I'll have to go read your sitch - are you keeping it and just refi-ing or are you going to sell it? I have the house and have to refi within a year which will be costly, just something else I have to accept. I don't want to add selling the house to this mess right now, maybe when i'm further along. Since we don't have kids I figure he has no reason to ever speak to me again once I get the final papers and take him off my health insurance. That will be April when the D is final and I can send in that paperwork, til then he is paying me his half of it. He's so stubborn I can see him just never coming back. Can't worry about it, must move forward! Part of me still thinks he will realize that the grass isn't greener and that I really am not to blame for all of his issues. Ok enough obsessing on this for today
going to go do some more house chores and make this place into my own personal sanctuary! thanks again for your support.
DXW - I went to reply on your thread but there's no reply option on it anymore for some reason. I don't remember what I wanted to say now either lol. Just when I think I have a grasp on this it gets back in my head and stirs things around. Then I re-read a lot of the posts here and that helps, acceptance is my goal. It's hard to come to terms with the whole idea that this could take years. Yes I know I will be ok, just don't think I can wait that long. Some days I think yes and others I'm like eff it. He's certainly not waiting for me lol. time it takes time. one day at a time. Tomorrow is grocery shopping, painting the ceiling. learning to love myself. oh I went through that whole blaming myself thing but I did figure out quickly that this was not me, just him blaming me for all of it and saying that this was not his home and trying to hurt me with words. i know the real story. hoping one day he remembers it.
tonight I emailed again to ask for my car key and the check for the utilities he owes me. he responded that he was looking for a remote to his cd player. I found it and responded asking him when he wanted to make the exchange. he said tomorrow (monday) after work. I suggested meeting at the kroger parking lot so he doesn't have to come to the house. I didn't want him riling up the dogs or coming inside i guess. he said ok. it amazes me that this person was my best friend, lover, everything for 17 years and doesn't ask how I am, expresses zero concern, I just get angry and hurt and I know that's so dumb. Praying for strength and to take the anger away. Just venting because I have to see him tomorrow and his cold heartedness is painful. Now that he's gone from the house though, at least i'm not in limbo anymore, not walking on eggshells, going to become a virgin again hahah. Going to try and get a positive attitude. Was just a bad day but I did tape up to paint and moved pictures around and cleaned the bathrooms. small changes! going to try and go out at least one day each weekend to keep my mind off of it. learning patience.
Concentrate on you....you'll get there.
I found it much easier with H out of the house. I too am in the midst of painting everything the colors I want. Guess it will be good if I have to sell or lease the place.
(((HUGS))) TL! You continue to amaze me with your strength! YOu are doing well!
Hey TL, just now read your reply to my post. Sorry, it's been a short weekend - got home on Friday, had Saturday to get things done, and this afternoon I had to return to the area where I have been working out of town for the last couple of years. It's a 4 hour drive from my home to the hotel. Just got in and decided to check the boards.
Gosh, I know all the feelings you are having or had. It does get confusing trying to figure out if you are really being dark or not, but it sounds like you got it. And then tryiing to come to terms with their coldness, the wall they put up. One day, no, one minute you are their 'wife', best friend, and lover, then when you hear the ILYBNILWY it all changes. Yes, how do they just seem to put you at such a distance after all the years you have spent together? From what I understand it's just part of the MLC/WAS syndrome. And it isn't all you or what you did or didn't do - it's mainly within them.
Here's an explanation I found here a while back - has helped me a lot to read and reread on a regular basis:
"That's the way I used to look at it with my S, that I just couldn't understand why they would "throw away" financial security, a long relationship with a faithful spouse, a great home and retirement setup, etc. etc. for a fantasy life that exists only in their head. But the reality of it is that is how much the WAS hates their current life. They are so unhappy and miserable that they willingly give up all the good parts of the M to escape the bad parts. I've read many, many sitches here and the vast majority of the "faults" with the LBS center around simple, easy-to-solve issues. Yet the WAS insists these seemingly minor infractions can never be righted. So the LBS is left asking why? Why can't it be fixed? Why isn't the WAS willing to try? There is no reasonable answer to that question. What you have to understand is to the WAS, the way they feel is 100% real and accurate (to them). They feel so wronged that the only solution is to leave the M. It's not a decision they take lightly and they're constantly arguing with themselves internally over it. But they keep coming back to that as the only solution."
Don't know if that resonates with you, but it sure did with me. I have a few more I'll pass along as we go, but I thought maybe it would be something you might find some solace.
Sounds like you are doing well - I wish you strength tomorrow when you see your H. Everyone says to act happy and content when you see them. I still have a hard time with it - I'm pleasent but I know he can see I'm hurting. We've been together for 20+ years - he knows me too well for me to be that convincing. Detaching is the hardest thing - kind of requires you put up your own wall which I really hate doing.
As far as my house goes, it was appraised as part of a re-fi in my name. I would like to stay in the house. Just hope the equity isn;t too high - don't know if I can pay him off if it goes over a certain amount. Remains to be seen.
Hang in there, and protect your heart and yourself.
Again, good luck tomorrow. I'll be curious to see how it went.((Hugs))
Thank you CC, CW and TB
That explanation you posted spot on. I will re-read that too, thank you for posting it. Yes I too act happy but know that I come across as more cold and indifferent. It will be a brief encounter because he doesn't talk and if he does it's only about his work. Yes I keep telling myself detach, easier said than done. I'm pretty sure he will never come back regardless of his MLC, mostly based on pride and stubbornness. I do keep the door ajar though, it's too soon to close it. I have to refi too, I have a year to do it - originally he had in the papers 90 days. No way I could do all that in 90 days. I don't have to pay him anything, he just walked away from it. My lawyer said i'm "winning" with these divorce papers that I signed, however it feels like losing. He left me with all these pets that I love dearly but i'm afraid that during an appraisal it will lower the value if he comes in and sees all that. I'm going to do more re-arranging (move litter boxes somewhere less noticeable) and perhaps board them all on the day of appraisal. You'd think there would be an easier way to remove someone from a loan. My banker showed me the numbers and it was going to cost me 10k to refi! seemed crazy to me just to remove his name. so annoying. I may do a shorter time frame and see if I can't lower it and get some more competitive rates. Thanks again you guys for responding. I will post tonight on how it went.
TL, when you said, " I'm pretty sure he will never come back regardless of his MLC, mostly based on pride and stubbornness," my jaw dropped. I've said the very same thing about my H. Are you sure you're not married to my H???
Regarding the appraisal, don't worry much about the cat boxes or the other pets unless they've chewed or scratched holes in your walls, floors, or doors. Appraisers are looking at square footage, condition of the structure, is the outside paint peeling, is the driveway or roof in need of repair, condition of the appliances and floors, ammenities like big windows, big yard, a view, other homes in the neighborhood.
Hey, why is it $10,000 for you to re-fi? Seems a little steep. Ask if he'll roll it into the loan - 10G won't change your monthly payment that much. That way you can spread it out over 30 years or whatever your time frame may be.
Hi T-boned - thanks for your post. After reading so many posts it is weird that all these husbands act so much alike. I realize that it's pointless to think of "what ifs" and how this all happened but that doesn't stop me from thinking it anyway. Especially after reading so many similar stories. Some of them have happy endings and I so want to be one of them but I know it will take like another few years if it even happens then. It is discouraging but then reading some from the beginning who are now in reconciliation also gives me hope. Day by day. We had bad weather Monday so he cancelled meeting me to make the exchange of goods - which was understandable - that told me that he isn't living in this town or it would have been on his way to his new home. I never asked nor do I really need to know that info anyway. I got the change of address thing in the mail from the USPS which was sort of disheartening but I knew that was coming.
Still making small changes with the house and enjoying my quiet alone times after work. I am having to do all the chores myself but I was pretty much already doing that and now I don't have to make some big dinner. Cooking for 1 is a bit weird to get used to. Supposed to meet him tonight after work to exchange goods, i'm not going to remind him, hopefully he remembers. If not, oh well I need to go to the store anyway.
On the appraisal - thanks for that info, I wasn't sure if that would cause it to be appraised lower, I had read somewhere that it could affect it. I don't know why it was 10k but in the schedule that he gave me it was rolled in but the new loan amount would be 150k when I only owe 140k on it now. That's where I got that number from, seemed so lame just to remove someone's name from the darn loan that I will have to pay that much. We only had this house 5 years in May. I'm going to shop around rates and options and let him compete for my business. If that's what I have to do then so be it. Not the end of the world. Yeah it only lowered the payment like 10 dollars, I was hoping that I could lower it a lot more than that. I had a 4.25% when I bought it. Times like these make me angry at him for putting me through all this and then I think, no, he's not well and I'll get through it just fine on my own without added anger and bitterness. Really trying to stay positive. Not easy. I have a list of counselors to choose from but haven't chosen one yet or made the call. I don't know why it frightens me to do that. I guess I just have to make that leap and do it and if I don't like her I can choose another one. I'd like one that understands MLC and doesn't think i'm crazy - most people don't get it unless they're on these boards or going through it.
I totally identify with what T-boned posted about how WAS become cold and distant after the DB. I could not make a sense of it for a long time. How can he treat me like that after 17 years together? And didn’t I just hear “I love you” a couple of days before the BD?
TL, it should not coast you that much to remove his name from the loan. He needs to sing the Quitclaim Deed form and notarize it. The 10K you are talking about is probably the cost of a refi on its own. Shop around and see if you can find a better deal. All mortgage companies should be fine with taking him out of the loan, provided you qualify for it.
Thank you Bright - yep same here 17 years and he did say he loved me just the day before. Now I don't even get a "how are you".
so tonight i met up with him to get my car key back and a check for the health insurance that comes out of paycheck. I asked him to meet me at Kroger lot, thought it would save him time instead of having to drive all the way up to the house and I needed some items at Kroger anyway. I made sure I put on my positive attitude and confidence first, and I also made myself look pretty before going out. He parks next to me and I get out and he is putting off sort of a cold angry vibe? Yes i know i am just guessing, but the first thing he asks after starting to write me the check is "when are you putting the house on the market?" I said "i'm not....what gives you that idea?" He answers "all the fixing up going on". I answered "I had the ceiling fixed because there was a hole in it" (he had stepped in the wrong place and broke a bit of the ceiling and i wanted him to pay for half before he moved out so that's why I had that done). That was done BEFORE he moved out. The only other thing I did was have the garage door opener repaired because it was broken for 4 years, and that was done before he left too. The only other stuff I can think of is that I moved office furniture around and painted the ceiling where the repair was done. So he must have been thinking about this and noticed it I guess. I'm not sure why it matters to him since he put it in the papers that the house was my responsibility and i'm to refi it to take his name off the loan. I told him that I had to have the house appraised for the refi so it has to be in shape before that. Then he asked why I didn't want him coming to the house (because I said meet at kroger) and i said that wasn't it, that I just needed some things at the store. I was being mysterious i think by asking him to meet me there instead. it did make him think about it apparently. Then he says "you've lost a lot of weight!" he saw me last week, i have not lost weight since then, he just didn't notice while we were living together, i think he wasn't looking at me at all that last month even though we ML almost every night before he moved out. I said "i was losing weight before you left" and he said "not that much" which.... like I said, he just saw me last week and I have not lost any more than a lb since then. I was wearing a new top that was more fitted so I guess he just noticed it. I was happy he was checking me out. He seemed overworked, tired and a little miserable. I was being happy/easy breezy. I asked how work was and he talked about that a bit and asked about the pets, and that was it. He didn't ask me how I was or how my work was or anything else. I just wanted him to see I was not falling apart without him. mission accomplished. for some reason i felt good about the visit, like I followed the 37 sandi's rules and am showing that confidence and GAL. now i will go dark again until i ask for the next check for the insurance. once the papers go through i guess it will be dark dark - i don't know how to let him know i'd like to remain friends, i don't want to say as much because it would seem like pursuing. i did that in the beginning before i knew about DB, so he should know that i still want him but right now I'm acting "as if" he'll never come back.
TL, you did great! The fact that he noticed things tells me that he’s been doing some thinking. Maybe having second thoughts even. But, it is way early in your sitch. It will take some time for him to realize what he’s done. I predict you will see all kinds of behavior from him, from cold and distant to polite and pleasant. My H did this for a while. Sometimes he was flat out rude, sometimes he was very nice. The majority of communication is via e-mail, so I just mirrored his style and replied in similar fashion.
As for remaining friends, you will have your chance. He is so determined to run right now that it will only push him further away. Give it some time and keep acting “as if” he is never coming back.
thank you so much bright for your response. I was thinking along those lines too - that he was definitely thinking on it. I also came to the same conclusion that it is super early in the sitch still and I have a long ways to go.years maybe. Yes I had assumed it would be via email and text too if anything at all. I'm definitely not going to initiate any contact until the next email with the bills due in 2 weeks. He's very smart, like really super intelligent. I'm hoping that he figures out that he needs help for this depression but at this point he doesn't think he's depressed, at least he didn't when he asked for the D. Now I see it all over him. Oh well, on with my life!! Saturday is painting day!! I am looking forward to going home at the end of the day now where for awhile I dreaded it because he was still there. I noticed I am grinding my teeth now, or clinching them and trying to stop it (I do it during the day) i wasn't doing that for years, I guess it's the stress or anxiety. I'm thinking of learning to meditate and doing yoga. I already pray all the time and that does help me tremendously. Thanks for listening, just is nice to let out all these thoughts.
Hi there! I think your encounter with your H went well. You did good! Just keep in mind that this could be a long drawn out process if he is in MLC which it does sound like he is!
Hi CW - thank you
I agree on the process, before I came to these boards I thought to myself "oh maybe he'll come back after a short separation" but then after educating myself on MLC, I am pretty convinced he is in one and know that this is something that literally takes years. I didn't think I could wait years, but after processing it and being alone now, I'm not ready to close the door so I will leave it open and just patiently wait but in the meantime living my life. It has been a whole 2 months since BD which was totally out of the blue, so it feels like 6 months dragging on but at the same time - wow it was a lot to process in such a short time frame! I have to accept I may not hear from him again for ages if ever. Just taking the advice of so many on here and GAL and finding myself. I feel like i'm adjusting and doing ok. Making small changes, baby steps. I don't have to do it all at once. I have plenty of time - I finally "get" that "gift of time" quote. So no matter what happens I will come out stronger and happier in the end. Keeping a PMA!!!
Nice job with the H encounter. You handled it perfectly. Big hug!
Wish I could say the same. All I did was talk to H on the phone and I barely kept it together - and I know he picked up on it. Won't go into details but just the sound of his voice weakened me. I do have a lot on my plate right now and haven't been exercising much lately due to weather and job schedule. Got a run in today and it felt great.
TL, it sounds like you are doing really well for this being so early on in the process. I am soo impressed! Keep that PMA, then tell me how to do it!!
Hey T-boned, thanks for posting, it means a lot to me
I'm sorry your phone call didn't go as well as you would have liked. I know what you mean with the voice..., I felt good after seeing him but then I start thinking too much and over analyzing (yes i'm supposed to detach!) and i've been down all weekend. Haven't heard from him since that day and I know I shouldn't expect to.
As for the PMA - it comes and goes. I'm a planner by nature and it's easy for me to follow all the sandi's rules and this whole DB is sort of mapped out for me, I'm good with following instructions so I jumped right in once I found this place. I read most of the stories here, so it sometimes is a downer because i realize this is just going to take forever, it already feels like forever & then he may never come back or I may not want him back by then. Trying to let go and let God and GAL. I did not go out with friends this weekend, spent some time chatting with friends online but only went out of the house to run errands and grocery shop. I painted the ceiling Saturday which was a big job and today I grocery shopped and cleaned the basement. Kept myself busy both days which is a good distraction. I baked a quiche for myself and walked the dogs for my workout which really helps. I am not hating all this alone time.... but then there will be some silly thing that I want to share with him and I can't. It could always be worse. I'm very lucky in a lot of ways, he could have been more of a jerk. Just so many reminders. I'm learning patience!
Gosh TL, I so identify with what you wrote. I, too, have felt and feel the same way. Ya,on days I'd see him I'd feel good for the rest of the day and then down the slope I'd go within a day or two after that.
It always feels like just when I think I have a handle on this whole thing, I'm feelin' good, feelin' strong, accepting of the situation and the ineveitable outcome, BAM, something happens and I melt. At least I haven't had any of those tear jerking, stomach aching crying spells in a long time where you can barely breathe or your eyes feel like they are on fire.
Tonight while I was driving out to the desert for work, I thought (again) about the reality of it all - put myself in his shoes (again)and (again) came to somewhat of an understanding of where I think his mind is- why he's doing what he's doing and being involved with this OW. All is based on how well I know him. And it all makes sense. But then I see something beautiful, interesting or silly and I want to share it with him. And I become sad because I can't.
Sounds like you are getting a lot done at home. I agree, not all the time alone is terrible. At least you can get things done at your own pace and not have to plan around someone else. Like you, I read Sandi's list, but feel it doesn't apply much to me anymore since I really don't have much contact with him and the divorce seems inevitable. My therapist thinks I'm probably having a hard time right now because I am working on our taxes, getting loan papers done for the house re-fi, working on the Assets/ Debts list for the mediator - all involves seeing our names together and then realizing we are splitting up.
Yes, doesn't it feel like time just drags on? Just three or four days feels like a month!
I know it feels good to have people post to your site. I will try and contribute more support instead of hijacking you with my stuff like I did just now. But I appreciate your comments and your support as well.
You may be down this weekend, but know you will come up out of it soon and be on the crest for a while. Cherish those days of strength and clarity, and use those down days to feel your sadness and frustration - let it out! Then try and let it go and/or give it to God!!! (However, sometimes I feel like God keeps throwing it back at me!!) :)You're dong very well, my friend. I'll check back soon.((Hugs))
T-boned - we are definitely suffering similar paths! I feel exactly like that - I am strong! I have a handle on it, then bam, yep - down again. I have not had any of those crying spells for a few weeks but I'm sure there is another one lurking around just waiting to spill over. I know it's good to just let that out once in awhile to get through it and feel the pain, but still I hate going through this. And how you said "all is based on how well I know him" exactly - and that's how I feel too - also why I think sometimes he will never come back. I don't have contact either, just that one to exchange things he left - from here on out it will be a check he owes me for health insurance until I get the final divorce papers. He'll probably mail that. He's shown no interest in visiting with the pets which were OUR babies. After the papers are done, I guess it could be never again unless he decides to. Our divorce was simple and once the papers are finalized (next month some time) and I have a copy then I will refi the house in my name and that will be that. Yeah splitting all the bills up and removing his name from accounts was painful, even our hard drive on the computer is named after us and I need to rename it so it's not this constant reminder. I wiped everything else away. I can't believe it's only been 2 months since BD. Just blows my mind that our entire life has been completely upturned and changed in the blink of an eye. I have considered a therapist, you mentioned you go to one, do you find it helpful? I have a list from my doctor of the local ones but i haven't made that leap yet - thanks again for posting and checking on me - it really does mean a lot.
Hi Tboned.
That analogy of the WAS fits so well. I need to remember that and I grain it in my head.
Hey TL
Glad what I wrote on my thread helped you some small way!
Again, you continue to amaze me at how well you are doing so early in the game! I hope your H comes thru this sooner rather than later! I think he is missing out on someone pretty special!
aww thank you so much CW!!! I think he is too dang it!! I would not be doing this "well" if it weren't for these boards. I do know that I did all I could on my end so now I just have to be patient and accept it for what it is. Life will go on either way. That song "I will survive" came on while I was driving yesterday and I turned it up really loud to sing along hahah. I won't let this break me, either he'll come back to his senses or I'll eventually be ready to allow someone else in my heart. The only things I know for sure right now are that I still love him, I hope he works through this muck, and I am soooo not ready for any new relationship of any kind whatsoever. Your post really was inspiring, I have not been to church for a very long time and as part of my new GAL I have found one that I am considering attending. I'm a little scared to go alone but that is something I should do to step out of my comfort zone. Doing things alone isn't so bad and I should really learn to do more of that. Baby steps!! Thanks for posting.
Ok TL, here's another gem I think T2d sent to me back in Nov. Again, I have forgotten how to incorporate the quote box, but here it is anyway (I love the last line):
"Something my IC said to me about W...that she pushed me away, hard, because she knew I cared for her deeply, and she didn't want to drag me down into her crap as much as possible, because she knew I would go there with her trying to help.
So, in an odd way, it was an act of love.
She had to go places I couldn't follow, would be too hurtful to follow, and she cared about me enough to push me away and tell me to go home.
Ever see those movies where the kid has to tell the loyal dog to go home, to NOT follow? Hard for both parties, but confusing as hell for the dog..."
I so felt like that dog... but that was before I found out about the OW and at a time when I thought it would take him a while to get involved with someone because, as he said,he was too F'd up for any relationship. But within two months he miraculously got 'better' I guess. Amazing . . .
I don't know if your H ever said anything along those lines, but if he has it might work for you like it did for me for a while.
Do go to church alone - you'll probably find it's not as scary as you think.
And yes, a therapist is a very useful tool as long as you are comfortable with them and you feel they 'get' you. Fortunately my therapist was OUR MC, so the MC knows my H very well. We both saw the MC for individual counseling too. Funny, the counselor said he did not see it coming either!!! Kiddingly offered to give me a refund!:)Like these boards, I don't know what I would do without him.
Wait, you filed only a month ago and the D will be final this month??? Geez, that's fast!
BTW, I second CW's comment about you . . and yes, you have done all you could with grace and dignity - take that to the bank!
We will both get stronger and get through this as much better women. Like you, I have no desire to get involved with anyone in the near future. Don't trust myself and I want to be healed and healthy so I can find someone who's healed and healthy as well.
I may not be in contact for a couple days - have company coming in and they'll be staying in the room with the computer, so I won't be able to sneak in at night.
But I'll be back . .
Goodnight my friend...
Hi T-boned! Thanks for your post, I do appreciate that quote and I had actually read it on these boards when I was perusing through everyone's stories. It does ring true - and I did get the "there's no other woman, i'm too effed up for that" but I already know there is at the very least an EA which may have turned into a PA by now but I don't know and I don't want to know, it's his business now. Yes, here it is only 60 days between signing/filing and divorce finalization. I did not contest - he knows I don't want it, I said so the first few weeks when I was trying to "fix" things and pursued him, then I figured out I was doing it all wrong. There was no sense in angering him further so I signed them. I'm not sure what date he turned them in - can only guess it was Feb 7th when he was off work for a doctors appt so it would be 60 days from then, which is April sometime. Yeah it's pretty fast!! Thanks for the therapy tip & comment about church. I think I will do both. I hope you have a good visit with your company, that will be a good distraction!! I joined another site just to read up more information on MLC - have you been to others? It is pretty much the same information but I like reading it from other sources. It just reinforced how long a journey this really is. I did feel better somehow when I discovered it was MLC because it was an explanation and it fit. I realize I will not be "special" or an exception and that this is going to take forever and a day and even then no guarantee so like Matthew McConaughey says, you gotta just keep on livin'
you guys are awesome - thank you so much for your support!!
I found this article on detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.htmlit really has some good information in there
Just journaling
Today I got the letter in the mail from his lawyer with the court date of our final divorce hearing. I knew it was coming but it still feels so ... weird and sad. The date is April 4th and I don't have to be there so I'm not going. It's just a piece of paper and to me it is opening the door to the new part of the journey. Now maybe he'll see that it changes nothing or maybe he'll feel better about it. Doesn't matter. Now I know where he lives though because they put his address on the letter and cc'd me on it. That doesn't matter either, not like i'm going to go over there or become a stalker. Onward and forward. I'm almost looking forward to being no one's girlfriend or wife since I was 16 years old. This will be good for me to finally know me as an individual and not shared things.
Hi TL...I remember feeling like you are every time I got something in the mail from his L or mine. I believe it is normal. It is not what you wanted.
That being said, I love what you wrote "this will be good for me to finally know ME as an individual". This is awesome! This is the good that comes out off all of this!
Have a great day!
Hi TL,
I was just catching up and I am impressed with how well you are doing. Keep up the great work!
Thanks you guys for the support, it really is helpful. I don't know why I let a stupid letter mind eff me. Kept me up late last night before I could sleep. detach woman!!!! Have a great weekend everyone
I had to email H about the bills due (his health insurance) and he responded that he would like to come by tomorrow and visit with the pets. I have not responded yet, was going to wait a few hours. I need to mentally prepare for this. I guess my actions should be confident, don't ask questions, smile, be friendly, let him control the conversation. I know it's not a date but I have not had any contact with him for almost 2 weeks and it was only 5 minutes then. I know it is too early in my sitch so NO EXPECTATIONS. I will re-read some of the material here to prepare. Any advice would be appreciated.
Hi TL,
Yes! Relax, be confident and have no expectations. Good luck:-)
Well he came and visited with the animals a bit. I had put on a movie (Anchorman 2) just before he arrived and he sat and watched the whole movie. We barely spoke, then he said "I'm gonna go" and left. I had no expectations so it's ok, I'm not sad. It's just still so weird. He was cold and seemed down. Back to going dark again until the next payment is due. I am going to assume after the divorce is final and he's removed from my health insurance that I won't hear from him again. Is it considered pursuing if I email him with a happy birthday message in late April? He forgot my birthday but I don't think anyone else will know to wish him one and if he's depressed I thought it would be a nice thing to do.
If you are the type of person that recognizes birthdays and other special events, then I don't see any problem w/it, but do it w/o expecting him to acknowledge your greetings. Keep the greetings very simple and brief, i.e., just as you would send a long distance friend.
Don't assume anything when it comes to your h. He may be one of those individuals that can't actually cut the apron string and continue to pop in periodically, even after you remove him from your insurance. Anything is possible w/a crisis person.
thank you job, that was actually my plan, just to say a simple happy birthday to acknowledge it. He's doing quite the good job of cutting the strings. I consider him a "vanisher" more than a boomerang type, no contact at all until I sent him the email about the check. that's why i think once i'm not emailing him about that anymore (every 2 weeks I request one) i don't think he'll contact me. I have developed a thick skin though and not expecting anything and not really feeling that bad about it (at the moment) knowing that this will take years if anything. He didn't ask one thing about me, not one, and looked straight forward when talking while i was facing him trying to look him in the eye, don't think he noticed. That was what I expected though so I was prepared for this. oh well... it is what it is. I am counting my blessings and staying positive. You're right I should assume nothing.
TL,
I think you are doing incredibly well for such a short period of time. You sound awesome! Fluff your furry people and give yourself a hug.
TL72
Yes you are doing well
I agree with job
a simple birthday wish is nice
The more you can continue practicing letting go
the better for you
I had a lot of interactions with XH right after bomb and I think it prolonged my grief work
try to take care of yourself and lots of rest and good care
therapy and exercise
cry when you need to
time passes quickly and this time is very valuable for your transformation
Peace
TL72
Please be careful posting outside links here on the DB forum.
It is against their TOS and can get you in trouble here.
We are MWD's guests here and although I understand and actually know that there is lots of other resources the powers that run this place have asked us not to post them here.
Thanks for your understanding and cooperation.
ok thanks, sorry about that!
Yeah its not my playground and not my rules.
so today I get an email from my insurance company stating that my renters insurance is now ready. I don't rent, I own this home, so I know that it is HIS renters insurance on his apartment. I forwarded him the email and stated simply "can you please move this on to your own account, it showed up on mine"
10 minutes later he calls me, I let it go to voicemail. I go to get the voicemail and he calls again, so I went ahead and answered. He wants to know why it showed up on my account when he did it online only logged into his account. I said I don't know, I don't work there. I wasn't nasty about it but he was already angry. Of course this is my fault even though HE is the one that did it. He can't understand how this happened so I just said call them and ask them to move it to your number. He doesn't know his number, I said go online and click on profile and it will give you your own number. He is flustered and doesn't want to call them and hangs up on me. Ok fine. He calls back 5 minutes later and wants to know if I already cancelled it because he can't see it on there. I said no I did not. I said you just need to call them and he was angry because "what's the point of having a website when I have to call anyway" and he curses and hangs up on me again. Then he emails me and says "cancel the f*&*ing insurance" I email him back and say "no it's your insurance, you have to cancel it" why would I cancel it - geez man, grow up and take care of yourself!!! I didn't say that, i'm just irritated that he's all angry and putting it on me. No way i'm cleaning up his mess. Ok vent over. back to MY life
TL, he reminded me of my H at certain times, an angry man. He is probably so deep in Lala land that he doesn’t remember how he set up the insurance and he is irritated that he has to deal with it.
Good job handling the matter. Let him stew on his own.
Yes, TL.....remember that everything can be your fault according to the MLCer. Rain, the price of gas, etc.
I had a very similar situation 3 years after I was divorced. I came home one day and we both have State Farm Insurance, but because we now live in different areas, his is in his area, etc. So, I come home one day and it's State Farm leavening a message about his 2004 Monte Caro and to please call their office. I did return the call and was advised that he had given them my home number and to call him there. When I told them he hadn't lived here since 1999, they were shocked. So, I emailed him to call them.
See, they do stupid stuff like this. Sometimes, it's not intentional and other times, it's a roundabout way to tell you what they are doing or they want to see if you still care and will relay messages.
As we all say here, you will get blamed for the full moon w/ET circling it. Don't drink the Kool-Aid that they serve up.
Thanks for your posts guys
Last night at 9pm he texted me and said "sorry i was so mean today, I just don't have time to mess with these phone calls" I didn't respond. today the insurance company called me after talking to him and straightened it all out, then H called me not long after when he didn't really need to - I think it was a "touch & go" just sort of seeing that I was still around. I kept it very business like. I am surprised how much he "forgets". It just really reinforces the fact that he's in MLC. I have no doubt about that. Now i'm going dark again - definitely not riding his roller coaster.
Hey TL,
I've been away for quite a while. Just checked in for a bit and want to tell you how proud I am of you for how well you are handling this.
My comment is maybe your H might be reacting the way he is/has because the final date is getting near? I wonder if the reality of the whole thing is starting to hit home.
Stay strong my friend. I can see you are capable! Thinking of ya!
Thanks T-boned, I really appreciate your words of support! Really helps me along. It has been sort of down days for me which i think comes from the interaction with H. I'm better when we're dark. I had to email him last night regarding the health insurance, he's on my insurance until we're divorced so he has been paying me his half every 2 weeks (it comes out of my paycheck). I gave him the amount due and said he could mail it if he wished, that I would leave it up to him. He responded "what's this insurance for?" he didn't even remember that the health insurance was taken out of my check even though he's been paying it every 2 weeks since we separated checking accounts months ago. I know he's following the MLC script but I still find it surprising that he can forget everything, just shows how wrapped up he is in his own life. Whatever, I reminded him what it was for and now hopefully he'll remember to pay me back for it. On a bright note, there's a support group i may go to tonight, Friday night I was invited out with girlfriends, and Saturday my dad is coming to town for visit for my brother's birthday - so I have stuff going on and feel like i'm GAL. Life must go on!
TL,
You sound like you are doing so well-particularly considering how quickly everything transpired in you stich. The MLCers are a wacky bunch. H asked D9 and S4 the other morning if I took the to Boy Scouts with S10. Hello??? Where would they be if they weren't with me?? Not home alone...geez.
Hey GB,
I really thought I was doing well until I went to divorce group last night. It took a lot for me to go, i had to talk myself into it. I'm an introvert, groups are not my thing. I was fine until we had to introduce ourselves and say our story a bit and I started to cry. I was so embarrassed. Then another guy cried so I didn't feel so bad. There's only 4 of us and the counselor. It's more of a workshop on rebuilding after divorce. 2 of them were further along than me, 1 man was more in my sitch, his wife initiated and his isn't final yet either. Mine is final next Friday. Then later I was asked something about these feelings we were discussing and I ended up rambling off about my H being in mid life crisis which I could tell they probably thought I was just in denial. I just sort of started talking and had to tell myself to shut up, I was so embarrassed after because I could barely talk without tears. I haven't cried about it in a month. Now I am thinking about it constantly all over again, like I scratched off what little scab I had managed. We meet every Wednesday for 5 more weeks and I have a book and a workbook. Hopefully by the end I will at least know more what I need to do for myself. It's hard when others don't understand MLC. It's hard to explain that you're sort of holding hope and not sound like an idiot. Next week I will try and control my emotions better and not spout off about his craziness. I did ask the counselor about individual counseling, she happens to be on the list I was given by my primary care doctor so I think i'm ready to tackle that now too. That's another place where I fear to go but facing my fears is a good thing. I felt good about going to this meeting just because I did it and didn't wuss out. I was feeling angry that I even had to go. they say it will take 3-5 years just to heal from a divorce, and that's not taking into consideration the MLC. ugh.
TL,
Don't be embarrassed. I think it is great that you released your feelings. Your situtation is so new! I'm soooo sorry you felt uncomfortable. I agree that people have a tendency to dismiss MLC and think gold chains and motorcycles. I did not mention that term. However, I did mention that my h was hanging around with 20somethings, discussing how old he was, etc. I let them draw their own conclusions.
I think it is important to remember that you are in a group where everyone is in pain. It may feel awkward at times. However, I think it may end up being cathartic for you. I'm glad to hear you wil be starting IC. It will definitely help your healing.
You are doing great:)
Hi
Everything you are going through is normal
grief comes and goes so we can seem ok for a bit then like a wave it flows through us again
It is better for you to allow yourself to feel it, share it and release it until it comes again
Therapy is extremely helpful
It will help you heal deeper and faster than on your own
I think everyone is different but the first few months are the hardest , I began to feel better and better after a while
maybe 18 months most of the hard stuff is done and we move closer to acceptance
We learn to detach and move forward making our lives work with or without the Mlcer
Many won't understand MLC
some of my friends thought I was crazy to hold on , but they still supported me
Many woman understand too, and I met many who went thru similar situations
so hang in there
finish the group and keep posting and moving forward
time goes fast and the sooner we get into therapy and work our stuff out, the sooner we become more empowered and begin to heal
and one day, all the pain is gone and we are totally transformed
MY H MLC became the biggest Catalyst for my inner growth
and through it , all my R have become better
Peace
HI TL
Been following along with you and am still impressed with your strength!!!
When my H left the first time and filed for D, I had to go to a parenting class as required by our state when going through a D. There were several people there that became emotional as they introduced themselves or asked questions. It had been long enough for me that I was ok!
This time around, I decided to start seeing an IC and she asked me what brought me to see her and I was a blubbering, snotty mess! You might be too but it is one on one and they have seen everything! I saw her today and actually laughed a lot when she wanting me to picture my H in my head, trying to hand over a steaming pile of poo to me! I told her I will have a hard time not laughing the next time I see him!
I will update my thread one of these days and explain that!!!
Having said all that, seeing an IC has been the best decision I have made in a long time!!!
Have a great weekend!
thanks so much for your encouraging posts, they really do help. I have been reading my book on rebuilding and am discovering some things about myself. I went out last night with girlfriends and that was a lot of fun and all part of GAL. H is coming over tomorrow to drop off the biweekly check for health insurance. I told him he could mail it but he said he'd come by Sunday. I'm thinking he just doesn't have any stamps/envelopes lol. I will be pleasant and no expectations. Last time he barely spoke to me which I sort of thought would happen. I'm sure this won't be any different but I'll be open to listening. D is final next Friday. I am starting to enjoy being alone more. Not feeling so lonely and just doing things for me. Today i'm a bit lazy and I think i'll bake cupcakes. Been raining all day so yardwork is out of the question. So glad I have dogs though to keep me company too :)have a good weekend everyone!! remember to do something just for you!
H came over today and visited with the pets, watched a movie, didn't talk much, didn't say anything about himself, asked me a couple questions, small talk, then he left. was distant but not so angry it seemed. still a stranger though. just an update, back to my new life
Today is D day, the hearing was an hour ago so I assume he went and finalized it. I was not required to go since it was uncontested. Just one more hurdle to get over, although it is just a piece of paper and this changes nothing in my mind. I knew it was coming so I'm not feeling worse or anything. exH will come over at lunch time - meeting him at the house because he offered to take the cat to the vet to have her put down. He saw her last Sunday after I mentioned she was failing and called out of the blue Monday to offer. I thought that was kind but wondered in the back of my head if there was some ulterior motive. I accepted the offer anyway because taking another pet to be put down especially on d day is not on my list of fun things to do. I dealt with the last 2 pets on my own so I will gladly let him take her. Not to mention that I was left with all the expenses that go along with pets and at least this is one thing he will pay for. Hopefully that goes well. Of course it won't surprise me if he tells them just send the bill to my house lol. I'll deal with that when the time comes. Going out with the girls tonight and my dad is coming Saturday to visit. I went to divorce group again Wednesday which is really really helping me. I can see more clearly now my role in this - not the MLC mind you, I know that's HIM but I can see things were not perfect and my role in the divorce. It's funny to read one chapter in this book on rebuilding after divorce, it describes MLC but labels it as being in the "rebel" stage. It is so much more complicated than that. I was able to make it through the whole meeting without crying or feeling bad. It was sort of uplifting.
TL
Tough day
Im sorry about your cat..I know how hard it is
and the D, but as you aid it doesn't change anything but at leads the stress of the upcoming D is over
You sound strong and Im glad the group is helping you
Hang in there
good things will come
peace
Hi TL,
I'm sorry about the cat and the D. I am simply amazed at how strong and awesome you have been doing.
Have a good weekend. You've got this:)
Gosh TL, you are amazing. I am so sorry about your cat . . .ya, not something you want to deal with on such a day. I just hope I do as well as you when the time comes.
What is the title of the book you are reading? Are you seeing an IC - can't remember if you said you had gone to one. I knew about the divorce group - now you've inspired me to try one here in my town.
I haven't been posting on my site just because I haven't been home much and been really busy with work. Then when I do get time it's usually late in the evening,I try and catch up on everyone else and then I run out of time and my brain turns to mush.
I hope your weekend goes well. I'm proud and impressed by your strength. Enjoy your visit with your dad. You sound like you're doing great. Keep it up....((hugs))
Hi guys,
T-boned the book is called Rebuilding when your relationship ends by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti. 3rd edition and it comes with a workbook. I found it to be incredibly helpful. The counselor guiding this group is the counselor I contacted for IC but she mentioned something about cutting her patients back and so I haven't seen her on an IC basis. I am learning a lot about myself just doing it in group and reading through the book. I may sign up for IC after this group and she has more free time or I'll pick another one from the list I got from my doctor. I'm feeling stronger. I read so many other sitch's and cannot believe how lucky I am in some ways that he left. It sure as heck didn't feel that way at the time but I read some that live with their spouse still and they are constantly being monstered at I just can't imagine the agony. Mine was more like ripping off a bandaid at this point, instead of the slow painful peeling up of one with hairs stuck to it
It was still awful, I just can't believe it's only been three months. One day he loves me the next it's BD and moving out the next month and now divorced! Just crazy. Him being gone though has helped me to recover I think. Sort of forced into it, the other option is wallowing in my grief and despair and I didn't much care for that option. I'm journaling every day and wrote this "goodbye" letter which was basically stuff like "good bye to walking on eggshells" "good bye to snoring and waking me up 5x a night when you got out of bed" listing all the things that I really wouldn't miss and other things I am angry about and getting it out of my system. helps with the "letting go" part. I am rambling a bit now. I still think about it all the time, a bit less than before because I was obsessing and now i'm trying to make it a creative learning experience. While he's off on his journey, I too am changing and having personal growth. It's not so bad having quiet evenings at home. Yes I wish he was still there (the nice husband, not the MLCer) but he's not so nothing I can do about that. The over responsible person in me wants to "help" him and "fix" him but i'm trying to not be that person anymore and doing a good job actually. I've let him go, I haven't pursued him and gave him his freedom. I'm still grinding my teeth and smoking though (all due to stress related to this BD, I wasn't doing that at all for many years) so I have that to work on. Hope you all are doing ok. Try and stay positive, thanks you guys for listening and responding!
emailed exH yesterday to let him know that the joint cc is paid off and closed and also gave him the amount for the health insurance payment he owes me (until he's off). Mentioned that I presumed the d papers would be mailed to me and that I can't refi or take him off the insurance without them. He knows this because I mentioned it before but thought I'd remind him. He responded that he HAD the papers when he came over last Friday (he was picking up the cat to have her put down) but he "didn't feel the timing was right". WTH? That irritated me a lot because he was THERE and had them and knew I needed them to finish up stuff. How could the timing not be right? We're divorced now, just give them to me already. I didn't say that, I just responded with Sunday works best for me, he'll come over then and give me the check and the papers. I wondered if I should share that "I feel ______ when you _____ (insert behavior here) just so he knows how I feel. Then I thought it doesn't matter how I feel because he doesn't care anyway. As long as I get the papers Sunday then I can just be patient and let it go. It is just frustrating dealing with that because I don't understand the logic behind it, the timing wasn't right? When is the timing right for d papers anyway plus it's already done so it's not like I was going to raise a fuss or break down when he gives me the papers. I just shake my head and wonder sometimes, I guess I think too much and should just stop wondering because none of it makes sense anyway. He wanted this D so quickly I would have thought he could have just handed them over while he was here already. Once I get him off the insurance and refi the house then I won't have to see him anymore. I don't like feeling angry and bitter and am trying to work through that, I know it takes time. This kind of thing though doesn't help. I'm cutting back on my smoking now and that is going ok, at least it is something I'm in control of. That's probably why I get angry about this little thing because I know it's out of my control. Going out with a girlfriend tonight which is nice just to do something different and part of GAL. I have no expectations for his visit Sunday, although I pretty much know it will be like the previous visits which is him sitting there and not really saying much. Not sure if he feels like he has to stay or what. Really he can just drop it off and go on his way. I guess he likes to see if things are the same at the house, I know, I know, stop trying to mind read.
Thanks for the book reference. I will have to look it up. I've been going through a very difficult time the last couple of weeks so I hope the book will help me.
Sounds like you are still doing good and working your way to a healthier state of being. I applaud you for that. Stay strong . . you're doing it.
Hey T - i'm sorry you're having a hard time, some days are just like that. I find I am down after one of his visits. He was over Sunday and was the most normal i've seen him since January. Then you start thinking, wow maybe he's just a WAS and not an MLC but then I go back and read all the weird things he did or the way he acted and am reminded that he IS a WAS but also in MLC. It [censored] any way you look at it. I got half the papers, he forgot the dissolution agreement so he'll drop that off next time.... figures. after that I'm thinking he'll vanish and I'm not contacting him because I don't need to and it only hurts when I see him and I can't change that. The book does help because it gives you a visual of this wall that we all have to climb, shaped like a pyramid and each block of the pyramid is something to get through - for instance "anger" "grief" "denial" "loneliness" etc. There are 19. Each chapter goes into detail about each block and has questions at the end of each chapter so you can see kind of where you're at on the pyramid. I'm on the 2nd row and there's 5 rows total with "freedom" being the block at the top. They say it takes at least a year but I don't think they are including LBS in there, it doesn't talk about MLC but it is helpful just the same. You can kind of see where you get stuck on certain blocks. I know i'm still on "anger" "grief" (final stages of that) and "letting go" and then I can tell where I will be headed by the next row of blocks. You don't do them in any order, just end up touching on them all I think through the entire healing/rebuilding process. For me it is really helping. I still fall backwards once in awhile but it does seem that recovery is better if I find something to go do. Journaling has been helping me tons. Here and in a book I have, just getting the feelings out helps me sleep at night if it's running through my head like it always does. I just remind myself it's not the end of the world, feels like it once in awhile but have to keep on living. My counselor says that time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what you do with the time that heals it.
Oh TL, thanks for that post. It all sounds sooooo familiar - I have been 'stuck' for the last several weeks.
IC and I just started addressing it last week. He does this thing called EMDR which involves holding a small pad 'thingy' between each thumb and forefinger which alternately pulses, like a heartbeat. Anyway, the idea is during the pulsing you just let your mind go. Seems to conjure up past life experiences that usually have some connection with what you're dealing with but from a different perspective/situation. When yo think you have something, the pulsing is stopped, you discuss the issue, then resume the pulsing which supposedly causes your synapses take a different route. This can go on for up to an hour, or less depending. A few days later you usually notice an acceptance or calmness about the thing you were so worked up about and you feel better, like you can handle it. It's weird and can be really emotional - I couldn't stop crying during my session, but the last couple days have been better - I'm not on the edge like I was last week. I think my problem stems from realizing the finality of it all, trying to cope with him no longer being in love with me, and it has me by the short hairs! But I did talk to him today and I feel okay -a little sad, but more accepting. OK, that's just tonight - we'll see how it goes the next few days.
Anyway, I enjoyed reading this last post of yours because not only could I relate, but you gave me some really good information and the advice at the end was valuable and thought provoking.
I'm sure you have heard this too, but everyone I know who has gone through this has said to just wait, it will all be sooo much better when you're done. Hard to believe right now, but I have to trust those who have been in the trenches. So we have that to look forward to.
Thanks for your support, TL. I'm here for you!
(((())))
I am ok with standing and waiting, but am so scared that things will be awful in the end. My H is strong minded and stubborn, and I think that will have a huge affect on it all.
Thanks for book reference. REading about all this craziness actually relieves my mind.
Good luck to everyone! We made it through another day - that is all I can say lately. Have a great night and good day tomorrow!
Tboned that pulse thing sounds really intriguing! It's definitely a day by day thing, I was depressed last night I guess just because I was thinking about it. I'm always thinking about it. It is totally the hardest thing ever to accept. I can only hope to think about it less and less as time goes forward. tld - mine is stubborn too and I think he will never come back. Even if he comes out of this in a few years, he's so stubborn that way he will never admit anything was ever wrong or want to come back so I really feel like I have to let it go and IF it ever happens I can think about it then.There's always this sliver of hope in me though. Can't know the future, can't change the past, only can live in the present. Thanks for your support, means so much!!
I went to my divorce group last night, there's only 2 sessions left now. I really feel good about it, so glad I went. I can tell it has helped me tremendously. The counselor told us all this nice little prayer to do and you're supposed to do it every day for 2 weeks. All you do is say "may <insert MLC'r name here> have everything good in life that I have ever wanted for myself"
that's it.. every day for 2 weeks in a row, do not miss a day or you have to start over. It is supposed to help you get rid of resentfulness. I'm going to try tonight and see if after 2 weeks it helps me with that. Reading some of the reconciliation posts today for renewed hope. Such a long hard journey this is.
Good for you TL! You are doing great:-)
I did the 21 day meditation series online a couple of months ago with the theme “I want for you what you want for you”. This was for any kind of relationship, existing, or broken. I felt my resentment diminished significantly. I was feeling a lot better. It has to be done on a regular basis thought, or repeated often, because you do slide back to anger sometimes.
It helps me when I repeat this phrase.
TL, you wrote: "I'm always thinking about it. It is totally the hardest thing ever to accept. I can only hope to think about it less and less as time goes forward. tld - mine is stubborn too and I think he will never come back. Even if he comes out of this in a few years, he's so stubborn that way he will never admit anything was ever wrong or want to come back so I really feel like I have to let it go and IF it ever happens I can think about it then.There's always this sliver of hope in me though."
Gosh, I think you read my mind and typed it out. Crazy how we all seem to go through and experience a lot of the same feelings and reactions. Kind of makes you feel like you ARE normal! Especially the reference to the sliver of hope. I keep wondering why I still hang on to that - does it or will it ever go away?
Sounds like your divorce group was very helpful. I really need to try that. Again, thanks for the book reference. I'm looking forward to reading it. I need something here...Thanks TL.I wish I had something to offer you.
Thanks brightfuture - I started doing it last night and will do it every night and see if that helps. It's good to see others experience with it and I think it will help me too. I will most likely make it a new habit, especially if it helps with bitterness & resentment!
Tboned, you do offer me something! Just by being here and responding is a comfort and helps me know that I am feeling normal things. It's a big help for sure!!
I get angry when my weekends are full of busy maintenance just to keep the house up when I used to have help. I can do it, it's just that now I'm on a single income and have to put off some things (mulching) when I used to just go and buy it and get it done. That and loading it in my car when we had a truck before, stupid little things like that trigger my anger, that and all the future plans that are now gone in a puff of smoke. I have to remind myself that it "just is" this way now. There's no wishing it away or changing it, just accept it for what it is and do one thing at a time. My next challenge is to refi the house in my own name. Not looking forward to that but I'll get through it. Just another thing I had not planned for my future alone, I suppose his MLC has taught me that I need to plan for doing things alone instead of ever counting on the partnership. Trying to stay positive, i'm just happy to have a home and a great family - it could be so much worse, I'm grateful. Just whiny at times hahah