Son of a nutcracker! - DivorceBusting.com

Hello my DB friends

My thread title has nothing to do with MLC, DB, marriage, affairs, relationships, etc...

I just love the movie "Elf", and quote it often this time of year

Things have been busy here, I've been trying to read along here and there. There's been much introspection on the boards lately, and I include myself in that.

This upcoming Christmas will be my third MLC holiday. The second since bomb - the first was less than a month before bomb at the height of H's anger. Not. Good.

I wanted to share some of my MLC holidays highlights, or should I say lowlights. I've been thinking a lot about my journey so far...

Let's rewind ~

- December 2011. I had noticed for months that H was becoming more distant and withdrawn from me and the boys. He was also becoming increasingly critical of me and irritated with everything. His complaints about me included everything from how I did laundry, cooked, dealt with the kids, and my personal favorite, put items in the recycling bin.

You really can't make this stuff up.

I remember a specific incident that is still upsetting to me. We were at breakfast with Santa, and H flipped out on S5 (who was 3 at the time) for dropping a sausage on the floor - then yelled at him for crying. When I intervened to try to calm things down, I got a mean look and was later told that I was trying to undermine him.

This memory is very sad for me. Sad that S5 was treated that way, sad that he had to feel his father's anger like that. But also sad because I know that my H probably doesn't even remember it, and would be mortified at his own behavior.

H and I bickered more and more. He came home one day, and told me he bought me a nice card for Christmas.

Christmas came and went, I did not receive a card.

Months later, I was sick in bed and went to get a tissue box from the nightstand drawer. There the card was, unsigned. It was very nice, sentimental.

It's still in the nightstand drawer.

Early January, I find H in the garage talking on his cell phone at 3:00 am. I could hear it was a woman's voice. He looked right at me and lied, said it was his brother. I had no idea what had been going on behind my back with my friend. I was bombed two days later

- December 2012. H was no longer really angry, but had slipped into full- out alien mode.

Every year, we go out to cut down our Christmas tree. We've been doing it for years.

H texted the whole time, hiding his phone often. He was there in body, but not in mind.

Christmas Eve day, he tells me that he bought a few things for the boys - could he give them to them before bed tonight?

Red flags went up everywhere for me. He had just got done complaining that they were getting too much, and he hates when they get candy. It was gifts from FT. (That's Frumpy Twat for those of you joining me - I believe rosa came up with that wonderful term

)

H gave them the gifts, and of course was trying to video the boys and take pics of them. I tried to get in every shot - lol! Then he was texting, texting, texting...

I can tell you one thing. This will not be happening this year. I will call him on it if she tries to give them gifts.

Christmas Day, he was extremely down and depressed in the morning while the boys opened their gifts. Showed zero interest, did not help them or take any pictures.

As the day went on, the alien persona came out more. There is a pic that was taken of all if us, and I hate it. It doesn't even look like him - it's rather creepy.

A few days later, his parents had us over for dinner. They had relatives visiting from out of town.

At one point, he was sitting in the kitchen, on the floor, by himself, texting with the most serious and grim expression. I wanted to yell - is anyone else here seeing this?!?!

He was home New Year's Eve, but very distant. Fell asleep early, or at least pretended to so that I would go upstairs and leave him alone. At midnight, I sent him a simple text that said happy new year. No response, even though I heard him in the kitchen. He told me the next day that he didn't get my text till the morning because he was sleeping.

New Year's Day, he claims he is going over his brothers for awhile in the afternoon. I ask him if he would be home for dinner because I was making a nice roasted chicken dinner. He says yes.

He calls hours later and says he's ordering pizza with his brother. He didn't know that I talked to his mom earlier and she said the brother was on his way over for dinner.

He comes home that night with the news that his car had been hit when parked at his brother's. He acted very guilty, and not angry for a supposed hit and run. A few days later, he tells me it will cost $1000 to fix. He and I have it out about money. He takes $1000 in cash out to pay for fixing his car. My theory is he hit someone and paid them.

The 2012 holidays stunk.

Well, here we are. 2013, almost 2014.

I have found that journaling has been very helpful to me along the way.
When I go back and read things, it does help me to see that there has been movement from my H, but also a lot of growth from me.

H has been spinning more lately. But when I think back to the past two Decembers, it is a big improvement.

This year, he was great when we went to get our tree. Seemed happy, didn't text, sang Christmas songs in the car. He even stayed home while we decorated the tree (he went out the past two years)

Still, seeing some odd behavior from him. He's been acting weird - if you can believe this- about sending out Christmas cards. He asked me more than once who we are sending cards to, and, do these people send cards to us?

??????????

I think he saw FT tonight - you get to a point where their behavior is pretty transparent. The lame lie. The guilty behavior when they come home.

I was feeling down about it, and decided - f that.

So instead, I took the boys to see Santa, out to dinner, and then came home and snuggled with them under a blanket while watching "The Polar Express".

I'm happy now

When the vets post about MLCers acting crazy around the holidays - believe it. Accept it. But also believe that you can find happiness and peace by spending time with the special people in your lives, that you can make sure you and your kids celebrate and have fun to the fullest.

Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious

But also believe that you can find happiness and peace by spending time with the special people in your lives, that you can make sure you and your kids celebrate and have fun to the fullest.

That's a beautiful thought, Tvs.
And thanks for updating us.

TV,
I'm glad you returned to post an update. You and your family have come a long way and I'm glad you decided not to allow his behavior to bring you down last evening. I'm sure the children enjoyed seeing Santa and eating out. I've always loved the Polar Express.

I'm very sorry he's still showing signs of mlc behavior, but I do hope things will get better in 2014 for you and your family.

Enjoy the holiday season w/your family and friends. Live your life to the fullest.

Thanks for posting the update T! It's really good to see where this has come. I remember your stories from Christmas 2012. That was around the time I joined the board. Your H has come a long way, but he is going to continue to hold on to her until the end. That fear of dropping all of the ropes and being left standing there with nothing has to be one of their biggest fears. But he is seeing the light for sure. Seeing what he has and what he could lose. Before I don't think he could see anything, except his hand in front of his face. I have such high hopes for you and hope it will be soon. Sometimes they have to face really losing everything before they realize they have to drop all the other ropes to be able to hold tight and firm to the one that leads to you and the family.

Oh, and I was the one who coined FT. One of my finest moments

TVS,

It's a good journal. Enjoy your boys, take comfort in their happiness. If he texts don't let it bother you, or try not too, you can always try and have some...fun with it too.

How do you do that, Jack?

Let me tell you.

If you find it bothering you, then play into the lie.

Oh tell your brother I said Hi, and ask him if he liked the Hat I sent him.

When he later says yes he liked the hat, go...oh wait no I sent him a gift card to Outback.

Keep it up for awhile, and you can always go you know I think I'll text him myself to clear this up....with no intention of doing so.

Enjoy your day.

Oh and may reindeer poop on FT heads this holiday. Hopefully she is looking up when this happens. : )

Jack, I like the way you think...

TVS, the best to you and your babies

All snuggly warm under the blankie....makes me smile.

Hello everyone!

Thank you for all the responses

rH, Christmas last year was hard for us in different ways - but look at us now - we both survived and are another year stronger and wiser. I hope this Christmas will be a very special one for you and your family.

Job, you always remind people to live their lives to the fullest - and you are absolutely right. It is difficult at times, especially when the MLCer is acting out during the holidays, to ignore their wackiness and make the most of time with our family and friends. Yet - that is EXACTLY what we need to do.

I love this time of the year, always have, and made the decision that I wasn't going to let my H take that away from me.

I have a feeling that one way or another, 2014 is going to bring some interesting changes to the TVS household

Hope you have a nice holiday job, and maybe even squeeze some time in to watch "The Polar Express" while drinking some hot chocolate

Oh dear Raine... That WAS most definitely one of your finest moments - lol!!!

My H was such an alien last year, his antics really out there. He does seem so much more calm and settled this year. BUT... Still hanging onto his FT lifeline. I'm assuming with both hands, with all of her girth - lol!!

I'm beyond happy for you and all the positive changes that are happening

Hi Jack!
I do like the way you think also! If Comet or Blitzen want to drop a steaming load on FT's cabbage patch- like face, well, it certainly would make my days merry and bright

I also like your idea with the cell phone. Here's my idea (kinda borrowed from uRw

)

I would love to secretly film his facial expressions while he texting. When this all first started, you should have seen him - smirking and flirting. It was beyond obnoxious!

I haven't seen any of that in a LONG time. Now, it's a serious and sullen face. Sometimes even contemplative.

Seriously, wth????? LOL!!!!

Hello Ruby

Thanks for stopping by. Snuggling with the boys always makes me happy. I try to soak up every moment with them, time goes by too fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing really to update here, just busy doing the holiday preparations plus dealing with both boys having ear infections and H spinning MLC holiday style

One interesting thing to note...

I have to tell you all that it has been extremely difficult for me to have to see her at work. Sometimes it really wears on me. I feel like there is no escape - I have to deal with reminders of the affair at home and work.

Just as I see my H be moody, I see it in her too. If I take a step back away from my emotions and get my T2 clipboard out (and maybe even goggles too, safety first!), her behavior is quite strange and interesting.

There are times at work where she seems like she wants me to see her, and will go out of her way to make that happen. There are other times where she will seem to avoid me, turn around and walk the other way when she sees me.

Sometimes she is all smiles, other times looks p!ssed. Go figure.

Anyway, on Friday she called my work phone from hers. I saw her name come up, and I got a bad feeling about it.

I didn't answer.

She tried calling again a few minutes later, and I still didn't answer. I can honestly not think of one work related reason that she would have to call me about.

She's up to something. Just haven't figured out what it is...

That's all for me tonight folks, have a great weekend

That's interesting about the missed phone call, TVS. I wonder if you'll find out this week what it was about. Or will you not have that occasion till after New Years?

I really admire you for the fortitude you have to have in order to put up with this affair so long. So painful.

TV,
I'm sorry to hear that "she's" at it. Do not allow her to rock your boat just before the holidays. She's absolutely not worth the thought...but I do think that if she's got something up her sleeve, you'll find out about it some time during the holidays. She's not content to be put on the back burner for very long, especially with this time of year. Well, whatever it, let's pray that one of the elf's puts her in the empty sack and takes her back to the North Pole.

I agree w/rH, you have a lot of fortitude to be able to put up w/this affair as long as you have. My hat's off to you.

Please take care of yourself and those darling little boys.

I do too TVS. Merry Christmas to you and I wish you and your family all the best in the new ywar

Uurrgh!! I wanna jump through my computer and give that FT a punch in the face. Not very DB. I'm only human.

GAL, the ow aint worth the trouble. She is nothing and could not shine TVS' shoes.

T, I know that if she has something up her sleeve, you will be one step ahead of her and act in your amazing TVS way.

I pray that she does not do anything to ruin your holidays. If she does, then all bets are off. GALbaby will have to get behind me.

Enjoy those wonderful children. Make new memories. Remember who you are, what you are made of.

You are an incredible woman - with enormous strength, a huge heart and a wicked sense of humor, with a depth of love for your family.

I wish you peace in your heart, laughter on your lips, a burst of happiness and love this holiday season.

I am honored to be able to call you my friend.

Ditto URW. No worries.. I'm there. Have a wonderful Xmas. It will be loads of fun with your little ones.

Hello DB friends

I hope that everyone had a good holiday, and had at least a little bit of peace and happiness with your loved ones.

Thanks rH, Job, Busting, Gal, and UW!

You are all right - ol' FT isn't worth me getting upset over. If I try to see her from a non-emotional POV, she is actually pretty sad and pathetic. There are times when I see her that I feel sad for her H and kids. I knew them. I am sure they have been hurt through all of this too.

How low of a place must a person be to have sex with a friend's husband? I'm thankful everyday I'm not her.

I will keep you all posted if anything happens. I have been sensing some desperation from her, so who knows what could be going through her mind...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas was good, very good. I felt that H was actually connected to what was going on around him. He seemed happy and comfortable, wasn't texting.

Christmas Eve we went over to my parent's house for dinner. H was in a happy mood. He took pics throughout the evening of me, my family, and the boys.

When we came home, he was sweet - he took the boys outside to throw their "magic reindeer food" in the yard. We left cookies and milk out for Santa. He fell asleep in the family room while I was putting the presents out. He did not come up to bed that night (he's been on/off with this)

The next morning, he was up super early. Put my breakfast casserole in the oven for me. Wrote a note to the boys from Santa

He told me he didn't sleep well, that he was up at 4:30 am.

He filmed the boys opening their presents, and helped with opening their toys. This is a big contrast from last year where he sat comatose while I tried to take pics, video them, and help them open presents.

He had S5 pick out a charm for me for my charm bracelet, and got a deluxe sleep mask for me from S3. I got him a tool box that he wanted from the boys, and inside I put a mug that I had ordered that had a pic of the boys from our Christmas tree trip this year. He seemed to really like his stuff, and has been using his mug

We had both of our families over for a nice dinner on Christmas Day. It's a tradition we have done for about ten years now. H and I worked well together cooking and cleaning and entertaining. It was a fun day, the kids had a blast and the adults seemed to enjoy themselves as well.

In the days following Christmas, we have been doing various activities with family visiting from out of town. I was curious to see how H would handle this, as this has seemed to be a trigger for strange behavior for him in the past.

He's been seemingly normal, interacting with both of our families. I feel like his happiness is genuine - it would be a lot to fake or put on a mask for. It has been nice to see him be at ease instead of strange and anxious.

I've been kinda struggling though, struggling with sadness.

While it was very hard to see him be angry and miserable, I'm finding that it's hard in a different way to see him be so normal, yet not have a R with him.

I'm missing him more and more.

I'm going to see how things are once the holidays are over and things settle down a bit. It's been almost two months since we had our talk. I want to give him time, but not too much time. I meant the things that I said. I'm not going to live a life where I don't have a real R with my H.

I wanted to share a devotional that I have found to be really helpful to me

"Until the new normal is normal

When humans face major changes and crisis in their lives, the root of their unhappiness is always the same. When someone we love dies or we face financial ruin or we find ourselves now living with a life- altering medical issue, we just want things to go back to normal! But that's not going to happen because we can't undo life. We can only learn to live within our new 'normal'.

We can longingly gaze back to the past or we can choose to forge ahead and explore all the wonders God has in store for us in our new normal. Healing takes time - it doesn't happen overnight and the first step is to let go of what was and take hold of what is."

Have a great Saturday everybody

^^ The new normal^^

I like that

Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious

I've been kinda struggling though, struggling with sadness.

While it was very hard to see him be angry and miserable, I'm finding that it's hard in a different way to see him be so normal, yet not have a R with him.

I'm missing him more and more.

I understand exactly what you feel TVS. My W is also often "so normal", yet we do not have a real H/W relationship, and I really miss that.

You've seen some progress since issuing your truth nuke. Is it enough for you, for now?

I think you are wise to wait until after the holidays to see how things are going... and to hold firm on your requirements and expectations.

It sounds like your H may be ready to step up to the plate.

Here's to a Happy New Year for the TVS family!

My sweet friend, you and I have talked about some of this.

You know, I think in this life, some people think that one should not be sad. And I dont think that is right.

You had a great lifestory with this man. You love him deeply. So, it stands to reason that you are sad from time to time. He looks the same, yet he is not.

I would be worried about you if you didnt feel this way at times.

All this is counterintuitive to what you want to be doing. You want to be holding him and kissing him and feeling him close. You want to have a real marriage with the man you love. You dont want him to be in crisis or have an ow.

Just as the holidays wreak havoc with them, hence that many BDs happen around them, they can cause some turmoil within us.

I like your devotional about the new normal. And yes, we have to embrace what is. But it is also ok to mourn what was. Just so long as we dont get mired down in it.

So, my friend, I see some positive stuff happening. And that is a good thing. I also agree that you deserve to have what you yearn for. And that might mean letting him go completely in order to have the best chance to get it.

I know that you will do this in your own time, in your amazing TVS way. And that is ok, too.

Hi FY

It's tough, isn't it? Seeing them normal, yet not with us?

Seeing my H interact with our families over the holidays filled me with mixed emotions.

My H had an awesome sense of humor pre- crisis, he always knew how to make me laugh.

But that sense of humor up and left town at bomb. Didn't leave a forwarding address either

This Christmas, he was like his old self. Joking around with everyone, including me. He was even teasing me and being playful.

Yet... I feel like I always have to watch myself and be on guard. Don't want to do anything to spook him or scare him. It's a crappy way to live, certainly not meant for long- term or a lifetime.

Time will tell if he is truly ready to step up to the plate or not. Because truthfully, this girl is about done with this game.

I hope you have a great new year too, and keep on busting!

Hello dear friend

Yep, we've talked about this. No matter where we are at in our journey, it's tough stuff. It's inevitable for emotions to surface and cycle.

My H and I do have an incredible life story together. We have been through so much together, I feel like this crisis is really just another pit stop on our journey. Even now, after everything that he has done to hurt me and our family, I would be lying if I said that I didn't still love him deeply or feel a strong connection with him. I do.

But loving him doesn't bring him through the crisis or make him face his issues. Only he can do that.

For me, and it may be different for each person, the "letting go" has been a slow process... Kind of like giving him more and more slack on that rope till I get to the very end. Then, it gets dropped completely.

I think we both know that time is coming soon.

You have told me many times that you believe my story with H is not over yet. I believe that too

But this next part might get a little hairy

Thank you for being there with me each step of the way, guiding me along, cheering me on, and picking me up to keep me going.

As you would say... I am honored to call you my friend

Hey T, yep, letting go is a process and is different for each of us.

The hope is that we all get there in our own time and in our own way.

I know how much you love him and how much you want him to get through this.

And I believe the only way he can is with this next part. It is going to get hairy, no doubt about it.

But I also know, without a single doubt, that you will get through it. I will be there every step of the way.

Happy new year DB friends!

Let's make 2014 great

Happy New Year TVS.

Since you always seem to get the best advice, im just throwing out as much karma I can spare for you and your family.

Your right, MAKE it a great upcoming year, don't ask for it.

Hello All

Was reading through some of my old threads, and came upon this:

Read this in the archives from M Go Blue ~

"You will experience a roller coaster of emotions. There will be times when you want to get off the train. Be PATIENT. The experience you are going through has great meaning. You may not understand it at this time, but eventually you will cherish having lived through this. Remember, that which not kills you makes you stronger. God will challenge you to grow and evolve during this painful crisis. You are never alone. Pray and ask for God's help.

Right now, you cannot see the big picture through all the pain you are experiencing. Please have faith. This too shall pass.

There are many friends on this board that can help you on this journey. They can be your guiding angels.

Focus on yourself. Take care of yourself, in mind, body, and spirit."

Just wanted to share this with everyone. Keep on keepin on my friends

He was so right about being patient and seeing the bigger picture later on.

How are you and the family doing these days?

Hi Job! Thanks for stopping by and asking about the fam

This winter has been a difficult one with everyone trying to stay healthy. We have battled colds, the flu, eat infections, some strange virus that knocked me around for awhile, and an ER visit for S5. Finally - everyone is healthy!

I will be glad when spring gets here

Besides that, the boys are doing great. Such a blessing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for things at home...well....I can only describe H as a bizarre spinning top, constantly in motion.

His moods change often, more frequently than in a long time. He seems confused at times. It can be about the smallest of things. One morning, it was about microwavable soup. Go figure!

He also seems to be beginning to have some understanding of things that he doesn't remember. He will ask me questions - and say things like "I totally don't remember that" or "where have I been?"

My first thought is "the mothership", but I keep that to myself. Lol!!!

He still comes up to bed, and continues to be great with the boys and helping out around the house. I always thank him for the things he does. I do really appreciate it.

At the same time, I feel like he has hit a wall as far as making an effort to be more of a husband to me. He is still sneaking around with her, still not making an effort to be physically affectionate with me or spend time with me.

So to borrow a saying from T^2, my "sitch weariness" grows each day.

I'm tired of doing the whole "roommate" thing.

Job, you have told me in the past that opportunities do find a way of presenting themselves for things to happen. Doorways seems to open when it's time. I have found that to be very true. So for today, I'm waiting patiently.

One more thing-

H's family has planned a week long trip to the beach this summer. His parents, siblings, their spouses and children, and yep - us. The house is already booked.

This happens to be where we got engaged. No, I didn't pick the spot - lol!!

I came home one day from grocery shopping, and his parents were over talking about the trip.

H seemed... Excited. Was pulling things up online, and kept bringing up places we went when we were there years ago.

A lot can happen between now and then - and probably will - lol!!

T,
I'm glad you posted today. I'm sorry to hear that you and your family have been sick this winter, but I'm glad to see that everyone is doing much better now. Boy, I'm right there w/you...spring's not coming fast enough for any of us. It's been a long, cold, rainy/snowy winter and it's time now for the sun to shine and the blue birds to sing!

How are you doing? Are you finding time to do some things for yourself?

I'm not surprised to read that he's starting to ask questions and admit he doesn't remember some things. Yep, the Mother Ship called depression really had a hold on him and still does.
He'll continue to ask question for quite some time and he's going to be baffled by all you reveal to him because his memory during that time was mush or Swiss cheese. As for the moods, this is normal. They are still struggling w/feeling comfortable in their own skin and yet, the inner child is still struggling to stay in control. This will eventually fade away and his moods will stabilize.

There is going to come a time when the door is going to open for you to have a chat w/your h about his "friend". He's been "back" into the marriage for a few months now and Twinkle Twat needs to start fading away this spring. I do understand being tired of the roommate scenario because it does get old and very quickly. The marriage can't be worked on w/three in the picture...not healthy at all.

The vacation plans sound interesting and I do hope that everything goes well so that all of you can enjoy yourselves.

Continue to sit quietly and the answers will come. Doors will continue to open when the time is right. Continue to dig deeper for patience because your "oldest child" is still fighting his inner child and doesn't want grow up completely...just yet.

Please take care of yourself and your two little ones.

Hang in there and stay positive!

Hi TVS! It's so nice to hear from you. I'm glad that you all are feeling better.

Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious

So to borrow a saying from T^2, my "sitch weariness" grows each day.

I'm tired of doing the whole "roommate" thing.

I totally get this. Answer me this one, T: What does your gut tell you about the outcome here? I'm a big fan of listening to our guts. Take two Pepcids and tell me in the morning.

Hello DB Land...

It's been awhile. A lot has gone down at la casa de TVS.

Thanks Job and FY for stopping by after my last post. It's been difficult to find time to post an update, but here goes...

Spring seems to finally be here, hopefully everyone will stay healthy here. Since I last posted we had a round of strep and some nasty virus. It's been great to open up the windows and get some fresh air in here!

FY, you asked me what my gut was telling me. Good question

Let's go back...

Last time I posted, I was really feeling the frustration of everything seemingly being at a standstill. I was getting disgusted by not knowing if he was lying or not every time he went out. I had hit the wall, was ready to have THE talk with him - I was going to ask him to leave. I had enough.

H was in a bad car accident, totaled his car. He was okay, hurt his ribs and back. He was really shaken up and upset about it. Kept apologizing to me for wrecking the car twice (had an accident New Year's Day 2013 as well)

I was very calm about everything - told him I was just glad he was okay. That was what is important. I also did not mother hen him about taking care of everything afterwards - he made all the necessary phone calls, got rental car, etc. I also let him take the lead on finding a new car. Not my responsibility.

Here's where things get real interesting...

Days after he wrecks the car, he comes up to bed in the middle of the night, as usual. Asks me to rub his back because it hurts so bad. One thing leads to another... You can guess the rest

This has been consistent for the past month and a half or so.

Neither one of us has said anything about it. Not one word. Still no affection from him outside of the bedroom, though he has been very nice to me. In many ways, this has left me with more questions than answers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few days after the first time we were intimate, he springs on me that he's going away on a fishing trip in a few weeks. This is a trip that he used to go on legitimately with his buddies pre- crisis, but I believe the past two years he's gone away with her. Still, I say nothing.

Weeks go by. Neither one of us say anything about the trip.

The week of the trip, I get real sick, leave work early. The night before the trip, he asks how I'm feeling - I say a little better. He then goes on and on about how I will feel like sh!t once the cold medicine wears off and that I should really call off work the next day and that maybe he should stay home so that I can rest.

Very interesting. LOL!

So, I took off work and he stayed home. Did an awesome job taking care of the boys so I could rest. But - there was one point during the weekend where he was texting a lot and seemed irritated. Says to me - since I didn't get to go away fishing this weekend, I think I may go in April. I say okay. I wanted to see how this all played out...

Once again, same routine, he says nothing more about the trip. Come the night before he was supposed to leave, he tells me that the trip fell through. This was last weekend. Instead, he spent the weekend doing yard work, even dug me a space for an herb garden as a surprise. Seemed quite happy hanging out with me and the boys. Hmmmm...

Oh don't worry, ol' FT won't disappoint you. She's as crazy as ever. She has been stirring up quite a bit of drama at work. I've stayed out of it. The few times that I've seen her, boy, she didn't exactly look pleased to see me. I love the logic... She has an affair with my husband, but gives me dirty looks. Go figure - LOL!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been feeling a tidal wave of emotions. In so many ways, I see the man I married. There are old dynamics between us - good ones - that have been resurfacing. Feelings I have stuffed down for so long are resurfacing - feelings of anger and hurt at what he has done, but also feelings of great love. Yet, I know he's not ready to talk about any of this. I don't want to scare him, I understand this is a critical time.

I've been reading through Raine's threads from October on. So much I can relate to, a lot of similarities from that point in time. Also a lot of very valuable advice and information.

So what does my gut tell me? It tells me that this is the real deal. He's reconnecting after some touch and goes. It tells me that FT is still in the picture, though I'm not sure what capacity at this point. I feel that I need to be the stable force here, the pillar of strength, the lighthouse, whatever you want to call it.

She's been showing that's she's all over the place, quite unstable. I have been the opposite.

Right now, taking it day by day. I'm letting him lead with things, but also showing him the possibilities of what could be between us. UR may have mentioned that to me a time or two - LOL!

It was so sweet, she had a shiny new patience back hoe delivered right to my front yard. Good thing too... I'm gonna need it

Happy Easter everyone

Just wanted to say that wherever you are on your journey, whatever is going on in your sitch, hope you find some comfort and happiness with loved ones today.

Life is too short not too

Happy Easter to you too! I hope things are still going well for you!

hey hi and wow -

sounds like an "up swing" in your land- and i'm happy for you. interesting that your h asks "where was i" and seems to realize somehow he's been "out of it".

that's hopeful rite? and teh intimicy- nice also.

i'm glad for you- i've got your "sitch exhaustion" or whatever it was you called it. coming up to three years of total kn owledge - feelin mighty tired.

oh well huh? it's better than it was- no opinion about it all at present.

just wanted to say hi and glad bout the positive trends going on at your home- inspiration to us all - fingers crossed as usual...

xxoo

Hi Nero and all those out in DB land

It's been a few months. Time for an update/thoughts/musings post. Things still very interesting around here.

Mini recap:

- Bomb in January 2012. Did not see THAT coming!

- Lots of MLC craziness. I join here July 2012, start to find my footing, get myself together.

- hit the year mark and have a big, several hour long R talk. H does share some insightful things with me. Refuses to admit affair or all the money he is spending.

- more MLC craziness

- summer of 2013 I notice that H is beginning to take some interest in our home, increased interest in our children. Notice him checking me out occasionally. At the beginning of August, I overhear part of an argument while on phone with ow. After that, he begins to move closer to me. Starts sleeping in bed, complimenting me.

- fall comes, and the switch goes off again. Back to sleeping on couch

- by November, I'm at the end of my rope. Initiate a talk telling him I'm tired of living a lie, tired of a third person in our m. I don't want to live like this anymore. This led to a several hour long talk. He tells me he didn't mean all the terrible things he said to me, he was just very angry and took it out on me. Says that he does want to be married to me, does think of me as his wife, knows he needs to do a better job at being a H to me. Still refuses to admit affair. He's stopped spending money like crazy at this point.

- holidays come and go, I see small effort from H but still a lot of MLC behavior. He eventually does start sleeping in bed again. But by February, it seemed like he was stuck and things were at a standstill. I was beyond frustrated and disgusted, pulled WAY back.

- starts working his second job again, seems very happy about it

- mid February he's in a bad car accident, totaling his car. He was very upset, seemed very contemplative about things afterwards. There were also a few deaths of people he knew; this also seemed to have him reflecting on things.

- beginning of march, H asks me to rub his back while in bed ( still very sore from accident) and one thing led to another...

- he was supposed to go on a "fishing trip" (I believe a getaway with ow) but decides not to go because I was sick. Says he wants to stay home and take care of boys. Reschedules trip for April, but doesn't go.

- throughout spring and summer, H is home more and texting less. Consistently sleeping in bed and being intimate. Beginning to be affectionate. Our daily interactions are playful and happy, we are spending more time together. He initiates a lot of home improvement projects - tells me - I know this needed done last year, but I just didn't feel up for it.

Which brings us to now

And now? Well, I'm not really sure what's going on right now - LOL!

I *think* he is going through a slow and steady reconnection with things in his life. In no way do I consider this a reconciliation. I'm trying to take things day by day, and see where they lead. Trying my best to accept him for who he is right now, and where he is at right now.

It's hard.

I think it's very easy to fall into the "if only" way of thinking. "If only my spouse would ____" or if only x, y, or z would happen, THEN things would be great and I would be happy.

But I am finding that the more I see my H come back into himself, the closer we get, the more I want. Yes FY, I have ants in MY pants - lol!

I want my H to wear his ring again, to tell me he loves me, to just admit to the affair and get everything out into the open. But I don't want these "if only" desires to shield me from seeing all the progress and positives. It's a conscious effort I have to make.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A year ago, h went with ow to the beach for almost a week. I was heartbroken. But I put my big girl panties on, and used that time to do some special things with our kids. I kept moving forward.

This year, we took a week long family vacation to the beach. It was great, I can't even put into words the happiness and memories of those seven days. I was worried that h may be stressed or annoyed, but he wasn't. At all. The last few days of vacation though, there was an increase in texting...

I think ow is still hanging around, though can't even begin to imagine in what capacity. He's home all the time, and seems to actually BE HAPPY while here. As far as I can gather, they are maintaining a texting R at this point.

I'm not happy about this.

I'm often reminded by a good friend that it takes a LONG time to let go of the ow. The MLCer has to get to a place where they feel better about themselves and their life, where they can face and reconcile their past and the choices that they made.

Apparently, this can take a REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long time.

I've busted up several patience shovels in the process

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reflection on ow...

For those of you that may not know, ow was a good friend of mine. I was equally blindsided and betrayed by her. If I were to guess, I think she is in crisis as well.
I missed so many red flags and signs, had no idea about MLC.

The last time she and I went out to dinner together (about a month before bomb) we were discussing her new side job as a bartender.

She told me how she loved it, loved staying out late and having drinks with her co- workers. That she felt that she was making up for lost time since she had her son so young.

Seriously people, how blind was I? LOL!!

In retrospect, I see now that our friendship was very one- sided. I did not see a lot of the negative things about her personality. I can honestly say - aside from humping my H - my life is better without her and her drama queen antics. I have grieved the friendship that I lost, and moved on.

From what I hear at work, things aren't going so sunny for her. She has isolated herself, caused problems with various coworkers. This has not gone unnoticed by our bosses...

Time will tell how it all plays out. I think lady karma is paying ow a visit...

Okay, enough about HER.

I find myself in a strange position. I can't tell you how amazing it is when you can see your spouse start to reintegrate themselves. When they look at you not through the cold and lifeless MLC eyes, but through the eyes of the person you remember, the one you love, it's an incredible feeling. Yet, there are still no guarantees. No guarantees he will make it all the way through, no guarantees I won't get tired of keeping that hope alive.

Life is good right now, so good. I feel content in every aspect of my life except for my M. I am okay with that... For now.

Still digging deep for patience to see where this leads. I've made it this far, still got some gas in the tank.

Thanks for all of your support along the way. It's been one heck of a journey so far

I'm glad you returned to update your situation. I've got a load of patience shovels to send your way.

Yes, it takes a very long time for them to disengage themselves from the ow. She's like an addiction and when he does, he'll have some withdrawal issues for a while...nothing to be overly concerned about.

You sound stronger and in a better place. How are the children doing? Is everyone enjoying the summer?

Thanks for the update TVS! I'm so glad to hear H is progressing, and that you are doing well. You continue to be an inspiration to us all.

Never mind the ants. No matter how careful we are, sometimes we hit an anthill with our darn patience shovels. Just take a few steps to the side and all is well.

Good on you for not waiting for an "if only" to enjoy your present life.

Originally Posted By: TVS

I've made it this far, still got some gas in the tank.

Same here. Bust On!

Hi Job

Fed X those patience shovels to me ASAP! Lol!

The boys are doing great, they have grown up so much.

They were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 at time of bomb, now they are 6 and 4. Time certainly doesn't stop because of a crisis.

S6 has entered a phase where he is all about my H. Wants to dress like him, talk like him, eat the same foods he does. He's always watching him.

H and I have had conversations about this, H is aware of son watching him and knows he is setting an example. H is really trying to be a good example for him. I think it makes him feel good that S6 is so into him.

The summer has been fun, very busy. I have found that this summer seeme more naturally busy instead of me always trying to find things to do with the kids. Does that make any sense?

I'm not gonna lie, it's been great having H around, and having him here mentality and emotionally as well. There is more of a feeling of contentment and ease around our home.

Thanks for checking in on me. Hope your summer is going well!
~~~~~~~~~

Hi FY!

I laughed out loud about the patience shovel hitting the ant hill - that explains what happened - LOL!

I think when you've been at this awhile, sometimes you need to take a look back to see how far you've come. It's easy to lose sight of that when you're dealing with this day after day after day...

A lot has changed in my life that I wouldn't trade for anything. I hope rebuilding my M will be a change in the future.

Let's keep going till our tanks our empty! Bust on!!!

TVS- so glad you posted an update!
I have read through you and Raine's threads as I find you both so inspirational. I learned to see the small positives by following the two of you ( and FY).

It's very helpful to see the progress above written out as well- I was finding the back and forth so taxing emotionally until I realized that's how it was going to be- like a slinky as I've seen some say.

So glad things are slowly moving forward for you in a positive way. You really have amazing patience and strength!! I will continue to follow your thread and wish you many gallons in your tank to carry you to your destination!!

Hi Daring, thanks for stopping by!

I also go back and read Raine's threads. I can tell you she is the real deal! I read along as they were originally posted, but there is so much valuable info not only in her words, but in the incredible advice she was given that I found reading them again very helpful

I've read through some of your stuff, and I believe you asked about confusion towards the end of the crisis - that is supposedly true.

I read on another site (I think hero's spouse) that things are most turbulent for the MLCer at the beginning and the end of the crisis. They can see the light at either end, and it adds to their confusion, makes them spin more. The time in between is a dark time for them, where they are very lost.

Hang in there, I've been told many times this journey isn't for the faint of heart. It's our decision to stand or not, to keep going or take a different path.

Thanks for the gas, I'll take it!

TVS,
I am new to the MLC forum (1 year along the journey, though), and I just wanted to stop by and wish you the very best!

Thank you for updating- it gives us all hope!!

Thanks artsy!

Someone once told me, there is always hope if you want there to be

Detach, GAL, keep moving forward... You get to decide if you keep the door open, closed, or maybe just cracked open a bit

Good luck!

hey hi-

i just went back and re-read your thread - caouldn't remember details. yikes, i sure can relate. i sure wonder where i am heading- wehre h is heading- don't even have a desire to think or say anything along line of prediction.

don't care at moment- honestly and truly- so am going with it. i cannot see either way- back or forward. good or bad.

i just am in some la la land- so i'm not even gonna go look in my own closet of broken shovels. (got a boat load)

just sayin thanks for sharin your own story. it's been a long time- you're sounding great and i'm happy7 for ya & kids.

fingers crossed and sending out positive vibes-

i got nothin- but it's better by far than somethin negative so that's me-

xxoo long wierd journey huh? i guess, all things considered, i'd rather have some hope than none. it's a matter of what we're hopin for isn't it tho?