First of all, I really, really want to express my deepest gratitude to all of you for all your responses and thoughts....I wanted to reply earlier, but work got insanely busy and when I went home, I just fell into a dead sleep for 3 hours...this place just rocks!
Normally, "freak out" is not part of my...ummm..."idiom"...but I never expected that getaway idea to come from W...and I got all worked up...but you were all there... I feel kinda sheepish now...
I emailed W a link to this cool hot springs, with geodesic dome tents you can rent
and private hot spring rooms... haven't heard back, but I am going to toss some ideas out there and let her pick, or go with one of hers.
W started her first day volunteering at the thrift store, she will probably get a part time position soon...She called me on her break to tell me how much she loved it, her supervisor (a woman, yay!) is apparently hilarious, yay! W needs lots of humor and laughter. I just love hearing the excitement in her voice, and that she called me.
So, here is the Twilight Zone that UR didn't quite chase away completely....
Last night I noticed W wearing ring(s) on "that" finger on "that" hand. I couldn't get close enough to really see them. Today, verified, they are her wedding rings....she hasn't worn those in 3 years or so...and both of them. and she "looks" like W last night and today... I haven't said a word...I pretty much assume she noticed that I was looking there this evening when she was talking to me (she is a hand talker)...so I will sit quietly and see what transpires, 2 days does not a trend make, but.....open mind, open heart...with some protective crust...
And a busload of faith and a truckload (forget the shovels) of patience...
T^2
About work being insanely busy (and frustrating)...I was so "done", with work, the sitch, the money, the repairs at home, well...just about everything...I wanted to run, quit...say eff it, and leave...In a way I haven't felt before....guess i got a small dose of maybe what W has felt during this time...but I didn't run...just not built that way.
But it was a very instructive experience for me, an opportunity to deepen understanding, and compassion.
Just journalling.
T I'm so glad to hear that you've felt that way too! Surprise! We are still human
I'm glad to hear her experience at the thrift store was so positive. Also I thought it was really interesting about her backpacking. I felt she may be doing that to show she wants to share some of your interests. She may have wanted you to get excites about it. I've picked up some of H interests since BD and he really likes that. It's given us new things to talk about.
I wonder too Raine about the backpacking...I really had to back myself off and let her work that out, so easy for "Mr. Backpacker" to want to jump in...lol...stay out of my own way...
I believe those new common interests are going to be very important if any future R, since we know our spouses so well, and they know us. rH had a nice bit on that on her thread that I liked a lot.
T^2
Hey T, so Rod wanted to hang a little longer, I guess. He's like that. LOL!
The place you emailed wife about sounds really cool. And that is great about her time at the thrift shop.
And I am not surprised you didnt run. I'm not built that way either.
I know you know this, but, keep playing it like you've been playing it.
You got this, T.
T,
Everything is falling into place and you are where you are suppose to be right this moment.
I'm glad to read that your w enjoyed her time at the Thrift Store. She may find it stimulating and fun, not only meeting people, but actually doing something different. This is a plus for her because it helps to build her self esteem. As for the rings...another plus and she's starting to feel better about herself.
The place you emailed her about sounds wonderful. You might even want to toss in a little backpacking adventure too.
As for running, I agree w/Raine and uR, you are human and who wouldn't want to run after all that you'be been through. We all have days like that.
Continue as you have been...patience, my friend! Enjoy your weekend.
Hi T!
Wow, what a crazy few weeks you have had - talk about a roller coaster!!!
Your W initiating wanting to go away is such a big step for her, for both of you. I think it will be a wonderful opportunity to spend time together without any distractions, plus build that bond/rapport of being friends, individuals who are interested in each other, and maybe even lovers
And we both know her rings just didn't magically appear on her hand again...
Keep making your kitty feel safe, and I think everything will continue to fall into place.
And man, do I get the bus load of faith and truckload of patience!!!!
Keep us updated on your trip plans, can't wait to see how it all turns out
Hi T^2,
How fun! The geodesic dome dents sound awesome! We know about those as we considered buying a large one to live in when our goal about 10 years ago was to get completely out of debt.
I'm so glad also W's supervisor is a woman with a sense of humor. Just the thing for W right now. And I agree with snodderly about that helping build her self-confidence.
I love what all the other posters said, too
How funny that you had to struggle to see her rings on her fingers! Its an "I belong to you" gesture and it has got to be so heart warming for you to see that.
It's one of those things that later you will look back on .... "I remember the day she started wearing her rings again."
Expectations at zero are difficult, but I know you can do it! You've had so much practice, right!?!?!?!
Hi T^2, glad to hear that things seem to be looking up now. That's great news and inspirational for others - showing that the hard work and changes can pay off.....
Stay Strong!
I'm glad to read that your w enjoyed her time at the Thrift Store. She may find it stimulating and fun, not only meeting people, but actually doing something different. This is a plus for her because it helps to build her self esteem.
Is this important to help a MLCer / WAW to find inner happiness? At the moment my W is looking for work, as she hates what she does. It makes her down, frustrated and angry. But she can't find anything right now, and this is adding to her misery, and feeling of desperation (i think this is a huge part of the problem). I am hoping that finding a new job will give her some of her self esteem back as she seems to be lacking that right now, also does not get out and talk to people at all as she is a home worker. I just hope she finds something soon! And ideally in a place where its women only
2.4,
We do not help the mlcer/waw find their inner happiness...this is the lesson that they must learn while in mlc. It is not our job to make them happy.
T, this is awesome news. You deserve some positive steps. Not to put to much into all of this, and I'm sure there will be steps back, but these are big steps forward!
CB
Hi Snodderly, Sorry think my post was badly worded! Was less indicating that its important for us to help MLCer inner happiness. More 'is the getting Self Esteem important to helping them find it?'. I was wondering whether my W can ever find inner happiness whilst she is struggling to find work and finding her current employment depressing and demoralising.
T^2 - sounds like you are having a better few days of it - keep up the good work!
You have to allow her to grow and learn. You can compliment her on things that she does if it is appropriate to do, but other than that....she's got to figure it out and how to pull her self esteem out of the dark hole.
You can't fix her because you didn't break her.
Thank you all!
I am trying to not put too much into her rings being on, I know what I would like to think, oh yes, I do know that. I just don't know until she reveals her intentions, and I don't want to pressure at all by asking.
Some possibilities:
-maybe just seeing if it "feels right"?
-testing to see if I would jump all over it and make assumptions that all is better?
-a symbolic signal as rH suggested?
-is she seeing if I will follow suit and put mine back on?
-wearing them for first day of job in a pretty traditional work place?
I'd like to think the best, she wouldn't mess with the kids seeing and getting their hopes up, she loves them too much...I am not thinking the worst either...I just don't know, W is driving, and I am letting her without any backseat instructions...lol. Of course I do worry a bit that she might get frustrated if I don't acknowledge or something...idk.
I'll just sit quietly, go about my life, keep pressure off, and see what happens next.
T^2, I think putting the rings on is positive, but who knows what's going on in Ws head. Just be quiet and patient.
2.4 mentioned his Ws dissatisfaction with her job. It's possible she is projecting her unhappiness on her work the same as she does with blaming you. My w does the same and I'm convinced its her way of wanting to run. Wouldn't matter what the job was.
Stay calm T^2!
We're calm.
Since my wife's beloved career thus far (SAHM) is slowly going away as the kids get older, and one of the issues driving her mlc, her starting this new volunteer job I believe will help her tremendously. It was so wonderful to hear the excitement and all in her voice!
I remember reading in DR where when the WAW started working again and her H was supportive, etc, she felt better about herself, and started seeing her H differently and more positively.
Are you guys supporting/helping/etc with new job search or ideas for them? Of course you have to let them drive...
T^2,
I just want to add to something you've posted. If your spouse is looking for another job, be supportive, listen and if they should ask for your assistance and/or opinion, by all means give it to them. However, if you are not asked to assist them in their job searches, then step back and remember...follow their lead.
The job:
A job can offer a lot of meaning and purpose to the life of someone in MLC, which is exactly what they are searching for. It's very important that we support them, but let them do it on their own. My wife has always worked out of the home, (no kids) but recently told me that her job is one of the only things keeping her going. And hers is a stressful job that prior to BD, she often thought of quitting! We could get by on my salary alone, but there is no way she would quit now.
The rings:
It means a lot. Especially since she hasn't worn them in 3 years. She is sending a signal to the world... and to you. It is a positive.
My W continued to wear her rings to work, because if she didn't, "coworkers would know something was up", and she couldn't have that. But she seemed to go out of her way to NOT wear them while with me...Until recently. Now she sometimes wears them even when we are together. It definitely is a sign of her softening up to me, I think.
I take it as a positive sign for hope of R, and you should too. Sometimes we need this kind of hope just to carry on. I know I do.
T, I think you are doing wonderfully. You really are a very special man.
Your w is figuring things out, trying things out, swirling them around in her head in her effort to find her way back.
You just keep doing what your doing ~being supportive, loving and kind while giving her the space she needs as she does.
Yes, Snodderly, I was trying to imply that...to follow their lead...I had to do that today. W had another volunteer shift, and due to car issues with S1, me being on call and possibly having to go into work, and/or take S3's friend home, she decided to rollerblade to work. Now, the old T would have had issues with that, and said so (it's 3-4 miles) and, well, been over-protective...new T did still had issues, but kept his mouth shut...it's HER thing, I just offered to drive her in and drop her off, and pick her up, very non-pressuring, not like a "parent". Based on her demeanor, I think I just might have been being tested, but idk.
FY, yes purpose and meaning are a huge factor in this I believe, especially for my W, being "out-sourced" from her beloved job by just natural maturity in the kids.
UR, Thank you so much, that means a lot now that I know a wee bit about your journey...
W's rings still on, T still no asky no questions...lol, though he did move his ring from the jewelry box to out open on the dresser, I think W saw this morning when she came in to change (which is a "new" thing, less modesty, again), not sure though...
Quietly sitting, watching, listening, going about my life...
T^2
Well played, T. Well played indeed. It sounds like a test sbe was giving you there and you passed. When something like that comes up and you offer to help, they might just say no because they think you don't really mean it or because they think you're trying to earn brownie points. The best thing to do is shrug it off and say suit yourself. Let them worry about some imaginary hidden agenda.
I also know what you mean about "modesty". W used to parade around in the altogether (lol) but now it's all locked bathroom doors and clothes laid out before getting in the shower. In a way it's good though because it keeps my mind off what I'm missing out on
Good on you, T.
I think they do test us. But, I think she is testing herself, too.
She is trying on her new self. Seeing how it fits.
Interesting, isnt it, to watch them when you know what you know?
Expect more tests. I know you'll pass them just fine.
So happy that things are going in this direction, T. And praying they keep going straight back to you.
Just a quick lunch break update...
Not sure what to think these days...
W still wearing her rings, I finally asked her about it and she said maybe it would help, the symbolism, but quickly that she just hadn't worn them in a long time and that the rings were never a "must have" with us (which is very true). I did put mine back on as well now.
Her working is going well, though she comes home pretty tired, especially when she goes to and from under bike or blade power, I told I can appreciate that (working all day and getting there via bike) and validated...last night (Mom's Day) I made a pretty good vegetarian dinner and cleaned up the kitchen. And she was really nice and "herself", though tired, later in the evening after she recovered from her work day. I wish she could sleep better, I think that would really help her state of mind.
I also put new wheels on her spare blades without saying anything, she thanked me this morning.
As I posted over on rH's thread...The replay stuff is hard, I am pretty sure W was online again based on her behavior, and the fact that she came to our room to check-in with me before bed, she hasn't done that in a while. Seems when ever she thinks she is "busted", or worried that she went too far, she tries real hard to check my temp and such...but idk...
I reviewed the "stages" document and am hoping this regression is part of the acceptance stage and she is in the process of closing those doors. I noticed her known replay email account is now closed when I accidentally sent an email to it (it was in my contact list)...so, I know that may, or may not mean anything, as it is easy to create a new one.
She also has laid off emailing me so much, and maybe I think a bit of the old not communicating things like work schedule and such, but I was swamped this weekend, so maybe I forgot. She seems to have withdrawn/distanced quite a bit, BUT, I see more of real W I think, so maybe just the mini cycles of acceptance...?
She also doesn't want to do the weekend getaway now, but rather a day/evening thing due to the money and that she has to work weekends.
I have been doing pretty okay, just plugging away at what needs doing, but taking some chill out time as well. Of course, with it being spring/summer, shorts, tanks and bikinis...this is a bit difficult in that "wanting" department in me.
So I am good, but with ups and downs, like anyone. Just trying to roll with it and live the best I can and leaving her be as much as possible.
T^2
T^2,
Thanks for the update. I was SO wondering how you were.
Do you get the feeling she wants to fall back "in love" with you again? Wanting and waiting for the high emotions of it? Knowing you are the prize, but holding back for this?
It's so disappointing to think she might be back on line with "those" activities, but, yes, that was her activity of choice for replay...so...
I had forgotten about the closing of doors in stages. I need to review that as well.
The weekend getaway might've been a lot of pressure for you both, so maybe the day/evening thing will go better. We can always hope (if not expect) anyway, right?
Your W has not been communicating as much via email? My H had so much to say in a short period of time and then it was over. Maybe that's a part of a stage too? The get-out-all-these-emotions before they can think straight stage?
You're doing all the right things--helping quietly, and leaving her to do what she needs to do.
I dread the "tired" part of working all day, as I will hafta face that in August. But, I'm excited about the change of pace in my life.
Keep up the good work, T^2!!!
T^2,
Dig deeper for patience because you will need it as she cointinues to navigate along the Yellow Brick Road.
Please step back and try not to watch her too closely. I sense you are analyzing her and her actions. She senses it too. When you were laid back and allowing things to flow smoothly, she was more relaxed and open. Time, my friend, to stop watching the pot boil. She's going to have one step forward, two steps back before it's all said and done.
Turn the focus on to you for a while. Allow your w the time and space to figure things out w/o her feeling your vibes of "anxiety". She senses them.
I have been anxious about a lot of things not related to the R, Snodderly, and the last recent BD did set me back, and since she is in "not sure" mode now I am sure I am looking for clues...some relief from the limbo and wanting us to be working together on the same page on some things. Or be done and let's get it over with and see what life brings on next...Ugh. This is tougher than I could have guessed.
I did forget to mention that I did re-affirm, based on all I have read about infidelity, mlc and knowing W, and based on what my IC said MAY be a block for W, the fears of getting past all this and it being brought up in the future, that all is forgiven, no matter how "bad" it may or may not be and it will not be brought up or used against her, I even gave myself the consequence to her that if I did bring it up in anger, or to "win" a point, that I would automatically forfeit the discussion and my point, as I wasn't playing fair. She really reacted to this in a positive way. (And she knows the old T just hated to lose a discussion if he was right...yup, be right or be happy is new T's thing).
rH, I think she is looking for that "in love" feeling, based on what she has said, at least a little spark of it.
Yesterday I wore sleeveless shirt, W always liked my arms, and they have a nice cut going on...and showed off the bruises and cuts from fixing the washer (a nasty rebuild), saving us $500 or more over buying a new one, and making dinner, and cleaning up...good lord what does a guy have to do these days to impress his W...? LOL
When you have a moment, please sit down and make a list of all of the "positive" reactions she has had towards something you've done. You may have to review the list to see which ones can be repeated.
As for the "in love" feeling, it will return for her, but the depression is still smothering it a bit. I'm going to toss something out there for you to think about...what did you do on your very first date w/your w? Maybe it's time to repeat that first date and see what happens...just food for thought.
I know it's a hard journey, but it will be well worth it if she can just feel comfortable in her own skin. The "not sure" mode is very typical at this time because she's sitting on the fence and doesn't want to let go of her safe haven and venture forth into the real world. Keep dropping the crumbs and I think it's time to start thinking about that "first" date in this new relationship.
I will do so Snodderly, though the positive reactions can be inconsistent with W based on her mood, sleep deprivation state, etc., so I will have to choose carefully.
Oh, and my quip about "what's a guy got to do" was tongue in cheek...I didn't have much expectations as W worked and was tired, and if I were D I would have done exactly the same things yesterday. It just kinda cracked me up a bit as the old W would have been very expressive in appreciation...but we aren't in Kansas anymore these days...
Who knows, maybe it's being chalked up there in her head as points for staying, idk.
First date...hmmm...coffee and conversation, and a 10 block walk to my BMW to give her a ride home so she wouldn't have to bike (and I got to show off my inventiveness getting her bike into the trunk, lol, males in their 20's....)...so maybe a movie, and then coffee and a walk on the greenbelt?
Anyway, I have to remind myself that W is in a new job, a big change, and will need time to adjust and find that rhythm. I also have to remind myself that I am tired and overdone on a few things in life not related to the sitch, so don't jump to any conclusions or decisions, analyze or mind read.
T^2
T^2! Sounds like you and I have the same questions today. I'll start by saying, "get out of your own way!" Haha! Ok, I'm out of any advice. I just know how you and I operate.
Stay cool bro.
You sound good T. I'm still keeping up with your sitch and pullin' for you guys, buddy.
It's a nice sign when they don't want to lose us. Now if they could just work through their issues a little quicker...
Thanks MM and FY!
Back to calm, cool, quirky, mischievous self...
-Solved an engineering problem at work yesterday.
-Had a GREAT ride home, made excellent time and pushed myself.
-Great meditation session.
-An awesome workout, did some powerlifting and bested myself in a couple lifts.
Afterwards I felt right as rain.
I was happy to return some auto parts to the store and some other quick errands. Just regular life stuff but was content living it.
I think I threw W off by being that way again...The emails from her have resumed this morning and last evening, sending me stuff to print out for her EFT and issue resolving work, things with the kids, etc...
Snodderly is so right on.
lol, just a rollin' with it, back to focusing on today and what I can do to create a good day for myself and the kids, and yes, W too...
T^2
This is what I like to hear, T^2! Sounds like you had a great day.
I'm having a pretty good day, too. I tore through a project I'm working on, took care of some business with no trouble that W used to always handle, plus since work is going so well I even have time for a good run later, which was unexpected because I thought I would have to work all evening because I've got the twins at home tomorrow and W is going out with work tomorrow night AND Thursday night and the project is due Friday morning.
Looks like we've both got our mojo workin'!
I just heard this song on the radio, made me laugh, and had some wisdom...haven't posted any jukebox spins lately, so here goes...
38 SPECIAL - HOLD ON LOOSELY
"You see it all around you
Good lovin' gone bad
And usually it's too late when you, realize what you had
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago,
Who told me
Just Hold On Loosely
But don't let go
If you cling to tightly
You're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in
It's so damn easy, when your feelings are such
To overprotect her, to love her too much
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago
Who told me
Just Hold On Loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tight babe
You're gonna loose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in
Don't let her slip away
Sentimental fool
Don't let your heart get in her way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
You see it all around you
Good lovin' gone bad
And usually it's too late when you, realize what you had
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago
Who told me
Just Hold On Loosely
But don't let go
If you cling to tightly
You're gonna lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in
So Hold On Loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tight babe
You're gonna lose it
You're gonna, lose control"
You know what? That is a good song...
Ha ha ha T! Sometimes you just gotta break out the 38 special
I've been in more of a "Taking Care of Business" mood
Thanks Papa...amazing what a little accomplishment can do for a person, huh?
T^2
great .38 Special song. I have heard it a couple of times during my scenario and thought "Man - how appropriate!"
nice to see you doing well T^2. I have followed your scenario closely.
Stay strong!
This is all well and good, but let's not start quoting Harry Nilsson's "You're breaking my heart."
Let's keep it positive, folks
(((T))) hello stranger!!! I haven't been on here in quite sometime, I think I just needed a break from it all, and have been so busy. I am finally taking some time to check in. I haven't gotten totally caught up on your sitch, but from the little I have read it seems like you are still doing awesome!
I just wanted to say hello and keep rockin' T, I'm going to try to check in more often, but for right now I have to get back to baking, cupcakes for work tomorrow, (Coca Cola cupcakes with salted peanut butter frosting, I know you are dying to know what kind I'm baking this time LOL).
Take care my friend, I'll check in again soon!
P4L...that was funny! Had to look up that song..
HRM!!! I was wondering about you and h...sounds like things are going well..I mean, coca-cola cupcakes and all..
I'm so thankful that things are well for you two!
You'll have to update us on life with a recovering mlc'er when you can...
T^2
This is all well and good, but let's not start quoting Harry Nilsson's "You're breaking my heart."
Let's keep it positive, folks
No kidding! Good laugh though after looking up the song.....
Thanks T! Things are going very well! I will write a long update soon.
I have to tell you I thought about you a couple of weeks ago when it was time for me to dig out the hose reel and hook it back up LOL... No struggles this year H helped.
Ahhh.... The joy of the simple things. Updates soon I promise, take care and keep being you, you are amazing!!
T^2 - Just checking in to see how things are. Sounds like you doing well lately.
keep it up. will catch up soon.
Thanks HRM and 2.4!
Not much in the way of any updates...I have matched W and turned the dimmer switch down, as she seems to be gone within. I have enough practice with this that it doesn't bother me. I quit watching the pot, as Snodderly advised...
I started taking Mucuna Pruriens again, an herbal mood enhancer, AD sorta thing, seems to be working to take any edges off. What has really helped me, which I alluded to in a previous post, is my own change regarding the sitch....after BD#3, the email I sent her with my truth darts, etc...the change in me is that I used to "see" mostly the good things that I would miss if she left. I now "see" the things that would go away that I
wouldn't miss, or will be just fine living without.
None of us is perfect, by any measure, but we do, in a relationship, "accept" things about the other, find a way to compromise, deal with it, let it go because there is enough reward, or good, to "compensate" us for the little annoyances (or big ones). I know W has her annoyances with me, and she has told them to me (finally!!), and I have been working on them if they are things I want to change, or don't compromise my "core self" if I change them for the benefit of the R. She is still working on her stuff. A lot of it, if she navigates through this, will benefit a renewed R with me, resolve quite a bit of my "annoyances" with her. Other things are just who she is, and a lot of them actually work for me, if I am honest with myself, even if a bit annoying...lol...
So I am just stepping back a bit again, let her drive, see where we go....80% or so of my life is lived as I would, whether she is staying, or going. I am being me, responsible, caring, the best rock I can be, lighthouse still functioning, and shining...
T^2
T how is it possible you're still growing and becoming even stronger. Good on you! I like that you can see things so clearly, the good and the bad in both you and your wife, and accept it, compromise with it, and even change it. You inspire me!
Thank you Raine!
I just ran across this post from another thread on another thread...the LRT:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...55814#Post55814Further down, JJ summarizes almost exactly where I am atm:
The LRT should be a win/win situation.
You either get back a partner that wants to be back with you, or you lose a burden in your life.
It's a tuff choice at times.
Freeedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.
We have quite the mlc'ers on our hands, don't we...I still hope my W navigates this, her road seems to be like a washboarded forest service road right now. Trying to keep mine the smoother ride...
We had an "almost normal" weekend...W came out from within a bit and I learned all that's been processing...
Guess what? The R was barely even a blip on her radar...so it's true, who knows what they think about when they are "away"...lol. For W it was kid stuff, personal stuff, work drama, etc, etc.
I did see the real W a bit, and of course I was validating and a ton of STFU...apparently one of her gf's told her she had to distance herself from W some, W went on about how she (W) is a "taker"...she didn't like that about herself...etc. I just let her talk, though I did want to tell her she wasn't like that in the past, etc, but I didn't.
When W had to work this weekend, the boys and I had, I hate to say it, a very calm, relaxing day...just going about our lives, some chores, some fun, some nappin'... I think her working is really good...gets her out of the house, into the real world, and maybe work will give her her "drama" quotient so less need for it at home??...idk.
I felt like during her talking with me, there was a bit of re-connection going on under the surface, it just felt that way from mannerisms, facial expressions, etc.
Our anniversary is this week, the big "20", I made a fun card (yes, I left the "mush" out of it)
So, in summary, an almost "normal" coupla days, a bit different vibe,...minus hugs, touch or "other"...
T^2
T, I gotta tell you, you impress me.
You are spot on when you say that none of us are perfect, but, if we were to be perfectly honest, there are things about our partners that are annoying and wouldnt be missed.
Except anything about me, because, well, I am perfect. Haha - I crack myself up.
Anyway, I think it is inherent in two people living together for long periods, that there would be.
Part of this journey for me was to uncover the things about myself that I thought were annoying and to work on those. So, good on you for doing that.
As far as your wife, you are playing this exactly right. Sometimes I would literally sit back and watch my h's actions. It was amazing to see part of the real him and part of the "other".
Sounds like your w's gf touched a bit of a nerve. Not necessarily a bad thing. Good for you that you didnt respond and just let her talk.
I think your wife is swirling it all around in her head. Trying to get a handle on who she is and what she wants.
Glad you had a good weekend with your kids.
You are doing wonderfully.
T,
I agree totally w/uR. You are doing wonderful. You are right where you should be at this time. You did a great job of listening and I do believe her friend struck a nerve w/her comment. It gave your w something to think about.
Dig deeper for patience and give her plenty of space. The job is giving her plenty of ego boosters and admiration for now. It's helping her and she doesn't even know it.
So, what are your plans for the week and long weekend coming up?
Thank you UR and Snodderly!
Nothing much special planned, just getting S2 caught up in school, finishing the veggie garden planting, some bike rebuilds, some painting and wallpapering, various sundry projects here and there in addition to regularly scheduled programming...We will see what W wants to do about the anniversary, she still was in flux about it this weekend...if she doesn't want to do anything I may just go see a cheap movie myself or something...no worries...expectations set appropriately...
Attaboy, T! You got this.
T^2, all sounds good! I like your attitude, its one i need to adopt.
Well folks, things have changed...
Seems like she was making escape plans and biding her time. Can't go into the details, but what I glanced at was pretty clear, and very recent, very sneaky, and in her "mlc" handwriting style.
I don't want to do this anymore, the lies, the secrets, the indecision, the fantasy. The being used.
Time to put reality fully in her court. I want off the crazy train.
I told her I would give her the divorce she wanted.
We talked a bit, I finally learned that she had quit with the online and PA...why now does she tell me? Why not when she was done? She said she thought I would know from her emails, well I looked over them last night and there was no real "I am done with that" sort of thing.
Maybe she is one of those that have to see it through, idk. But I'm not playing anymore, she's either in, or out, her choice (choice, which she doesn't believe in right now per her).
Making my appt with L for when school is out, I will not interfere with school.
To be honest, I am hoping that she won't sign, that this will be a wake-up of sorts, like in rH's sitch, but hope is just hope at this point. I will follow through if she doesn't try to stop it, I need to move forward, with or without her. She can stop it, and show a real desire to try, at anytime.
I feel so bad for the kids, if this goes through, especially the youngest. Ugh.
I am sick with that thought, and all of this, NOT what I want!!
Any thoughts, advice, 2X4's etc welcome as always.
T^2
oh, now she just emailed me that she is considering us going to a movie tonight....and that I should wait before talking with my IC...wth?
Oh, T^2!
No 2X4's from me!
I'm so sorry about this new and painful revelation!
I too clearly remember the back-and-forth thing from last fall! H's continued insistence upon D (signing over cars, having documents drawn, financial accounts....everything...except...the actual signature on the paper). All the while courting me....wanting physical contact, dates, time together, etc.
How can it be more confusing? It is easier looking back now...but at that time I didn't know we weren't going through with it. I suspected it could be the case (and you were there each step of the way, helping me with my sanity) but I still didn't KNOW.
And then there was the tiny statement a week before D....I'm not signing the papers just yet. Need to put it off a
little bit.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
T^2, you're a strong, kind, integrated, changed man. You can do this. You know how to detach. You are no stranger to internal pain and empathy for others, including your own children. You can do this, no matter what the outcome.
You didn't break her, T^2. You can't fix her. You know the routine. But it's
true!!! You were put in her life for a reason. For her. For you.
But right now, take care of yourself. You need that. You've got to have strength for these days ahead. Post here as much as you need.
We all love you and you have helped and been an inspiration for so many here. Especially me.
Hugs,
rH
T,
I am so sorry to come here and read your posting. Do what you need to do for you, not as a wake up call for her. Someone will need to sit down w/her and advise her that things are going to drastically change if a divorce should go through, i.e., no more living in the house, i.e., she needs to hear those things in order to face the consequences of her actions.
T, you are a strong individual who deserves the very best. Don't do anything when you are upset or angry, i.e., you know the drill.
We are all here for you no matter what you decide to do. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, i.e., hoping against all odds that she'll not sign the papers if they are presented to her.
ohhhh T^2 ..... these WAS are sooo confusing. So sorry, ((HUGS)), is all I have!
One more thing, T^2, you were clear with me last fall to give the message to my H it won't be "the same, only D". My L said the same thing. He frowned at me when I suggested my H could still have visitation at the house.
Would you normally jump at the chance to go to a movie with her?
Maybe you should consider saying no, you have some things to think about. How would she react? The distancer/pursuer roles?
You are always there for her, right? Like she knows she can be a bad girl and then run to "daddy" and he will tell her everything will be okay?
Idk enough about her and you so I may just be blowing smoke, but was just pondering some of the advice you used to give me. It's often a timing thing so only you would know.
It sounds like you have been plenty detached. She has no idea how hard her life will be without you in it. She hasn't thought it through. Probably is just too scared right now and envisions you'll still hold her hand. Idk.
How could she think she could leave her kids? She must be so scared. My H's journal said about him being pulled in "multiple directions at once". It must feel like that to them. Even now he still feels the "call of the wild".
Thinking of you, T^2
I’m so sorry to hear of the recent events. We all know going into this saving a MLC marriage thing that there are no guarantees. I’m sure you’ve prepared yourself for whatever happens… as much as anyone can anyway.
My only advice is to stay strong and resolute in your actions. Allow her to see that you are seriously done. No more hand holding and coddling the teen in crises. (I agree with RH’s post) Allow the Reality Stick to do its job. At this point it’s likely your best shot.
Would a physical separation be an option? Maybe then she would get to see life without you won’t be so great after all? Just tossin’ it out there.
You don’t need to have all the answers right now, you will know what to do and say as things play out. My thoughts and positive energy go with you buddy.
T^2, we could all sit here and post that you are strong and a great DBer and to sit tight and wait through this... at the end of the day, only you know how much of this you can take.
Would it be worth it to continue to wait and save the M? Of course it would.
Is this the life you want to continue to lead? Only you know as you also know that the future will bring what it brings, no matter what you do, right now. Only that it will bring a good future if you work towards that... regardless of whether your W is in it, or not.
Our sitches are different enough, but one thing was certainly the same. My W did not want to "live" M, yet she was OK if I stayed at the home. That "nothing would change" except we would have independent lives...
Unlike you, I chose to move out and work on myself from a distance. The results... ? If you proceed, the our results are at this time... the same...
I don't know what my future brings, although I am 99% certain that D is in my future, and that's OK, for me and my kids.
Do what you need to do. It svcks, but just remember... after 3 years for me, I'm still M on paper...
Find your path, my friend... and move yourself forward.
T - I don't have anything to add other than your strength and willingness to DB have been inspiring to me and I can't imagine your pain.
My guess from your W's message is that you agreeing to D has woken her up, but if I could really understand how the MLC mind worked, would I be here?
Good luck today and beyond my friend, will be thinking of you.
CB
T^2. So sorry to read this mate. Wish I had something to say that would help, but I really have no idea other than, do what you think is best and look after yourself.
No time for a reply atm, just wanted to give everyone my deep thanks for your thoughts, advice and prayers...
T^2
Thinking about you T^2. Stay strong.
Hi T,
I was sad when I read your post. It's all so very sad.
I sure as hell am not some great well of advice, but I can at least say I feel for you, I really do.
I often ponder if my H is secretly making his escape plan - what would he say to me, what would I do?
I think what hurts is all the deception. If she feels strongly about leaving, then there is the door, you haven't tried to stop her. It is such an act of cowardice to do it behind your back.
Here's the thing... If your W wants to leave, then she is going to have to put on her big girl panties and deal with the consequences. There is a fine line between leaving the road home paved smooth and sheltering our MLCer from their own actions.
I think the time for sheltering is over.
We are here for you, ready to listen and to support you no matter what.
Thinking of you ~ TVS
T, I am so very sorry. No 2 x 4's here. You have gone above and beyond.
It is always our choice, too. And no one would blame you if you've had enough.
I don't want to do this anymore, the lies, the secrets, the indecision, the fantasy. The being used.
I know it is so very hurtful.
I feel so bad for the kids, if this goes through, especially the youngest. Ugh.
They are the innocent victims in all this. It will be hard, I am not going to lie but they will get through it. As long as you are ok, they will be, too.
I am sick with that thought, and all of this, NOT what I want!!
I know it isnt, sweetie. One never knows what the future holds, though, right?
oh, now she just emailed me that she is considering us going to a movie tonight....and that I should wait before talking with my IC...wth?
Yea, she is feeling that you are done. And it is unsettling her.
I do think it is time for you to pull way back, T. I dont really care that she doesnt see it as her choice. It is. But it is also your choice, T.
You do what is best for you right now. Let her blow in the wind.
Thinking of you and wishing you peace.
T I'm so sorry to hear all this. It's all so crazy. You have really been put through the ringer. I'm glad to know you are so strong. No matter what you're going to be okay and so will your kids, because they have you to look to.
I think if it goes toward D, then my advice is to act that way through the process. She likely thinks you will still be her friend. She may think she'll be able to call you up and go to the movies and hang out. It's so weird to me that you talk D and then she just wants to go to the movies together.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Hi all, thank you again!
Just a quick update as I REALLY have to finish getting some things done, planting can't wait forever!
So we did go to a movie, I had already replied to her before I read your replies...but I wasn't my usual enthusiastic self, just rather factual. So what is interesting is how she worded it:
"I'm done considering the movie... I want to give you an answer now rather than at the last minute... I'd like us to go see one... I think we both could use it... maybe take a walk too..."
This is unusual, W is a last-minute, indecisive person, even she says she is...so this is a change, and with more proper grammar and a "decisive" voice...
The cheap theater didn't have any movies I just "had" to see, so i told her that and that I am interested in any of them. She chose an interesting one, that surprised me, she typically isn't an epic fantasy kinda woman. She sat leaning towards me through most of it, I guess that's better than sitting as far away as possible...lol. This is the first time in years the two of us have been alone together, and out of the house.
Afterwards we took a walk, she knew of a nice spot by the river we went to and talked, with a beautiful high desert twilight descending. We eventually got around to the D issue, her lead, and I was very matter of fact about it all, not much emotions about it, which probably was a clue to her as she knows how I am once things are decided within me.
Some things she said I found interesting/telling:
"We don't have to decide anything right now and in the summer".
I said that I need to move forward, certain life things like financials are dependent on if we try to reconcile, or D...if I do certain things right before a D, her lawyer could use that as malicious intent to make life harder for her...and things like that.
"You know how I have to "try everything on" to see how it feels..."
Maybe she figured out what I discovered, and yes, this is her MO in life. Trying to tell me that the apt hunting efforts were just testing for herself, trying it on?? Who knows...
"Would we have money for counseling?"
That is a first...no comment needed, lol.
There was more, but those were significant I think. I was clear that I was going to keep my appt with my L and determine what was best for me and our sons.
By the end though, she actually moved to sit next to me and let me rub her back and shoulders. She re-iterated that we don't have to decide anything right now. I said until the papers are signed by both of us, filed and have a court stamp on them, we are still married. She has choice until then.
I did re-iterate that I do not want her staying because of kids, life-style, etc...SHE had to think/believe that a renewed, rebuilt, or brand new R was possible, be open to it, and know that a bit of work was involved, but that it was possible, if not guaranteed...the cage door is un-wired, for both of us, from here on out. We both can leave the R at anytime.
So, that's how or 20th anniversary went...lol..but better than last year...this detached state is so helpful, my expectations were pretty much zero, so all good here.
Comments, analysis (lol!), always welcome....
Okay, gotta get some seeds in the ground!!
Thank you all again!
T^2
lol, coupla other things...
-A few times I really got her attention when i said that i did certain things wrong, and how her criticisms allowed me to really look at, and analyze some of my own mannerisms, and I could see how they could be annoying looking at it from "outside" and that i had co-workers who do those things, and it can annoy me. She did say it was important that I have been admitting when I was wrong and she did notice a change in many of my habitual mannerisms (and yes, these are things I wanted to/chose to work on changing, so they are not just to win her back).
OMG, T^2, that was your actual anniversary?
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the ache in your heart.
Thank you for taking the time to update us all. I was so wondering how it went.
How can she bear to give you up? You're such a treasure!
*shaking head sadly*
There were some positive things said by her.
And there is always hope.
A few things can happen when the WAS feels the LBS is done.
One is that they realize they arent done, another is that they realize they are.
And sometimes, when they arent 100% sure, they pull back in towards the spouse. The reality is setting in and they are feeling unsettled and scared.
I know that you feel you are detached. Just want to make sure you arent reading too much into some of the things she said.
Just trying to have your back.
T, you are a class act.
T, I have to say that's an interesting twist on how things were. I suspect that what you said was and is true - the cage door is open for you both. But it also sounds like she is coming to terms with herself. That's a plus no matter what happens. Many of us have seen them fly apart, and I for one would like nothing better than to know there is another side for them. That they don't have to live their life like what we saw at those moments. I would also like for your marriage to stay intact.
I am glad she wanted to talk to you and that your 20th anniversary appears to have meant something to her. Enough to want to talk and ask for more time it seems. Won't be easy for either of you, but I'm sure it's worth it. I'm also sure at this point, that you'll be that person that everyone wishes they married (except me - you're not my type; I like my SO to look good in a dress
Proud of ya. You've come a long way and are very much a class act.
Best of luck,
AJ
T - Wow, not what you once imagined on your 20th anniversary I bet, incredible. But, what is the saying about looking into the abyss is what keeps you out of it? It sounds like the fact that you have opened the cage door and she knows that the events she has set in motion might actually happen, by your hand not hers, has jolted her to attention.
You are a great guy and clearly have learned a lot from this experience. I hope that this brings her back to you and that great things come from the MC. I know, I know, no expectations, and if you end up D, I hope those lessons stick with you.
I know in my case, I am a guy that can revert to my old ways once the pressure is off and these need to be lessons that really change me, not just temporarily. It sounds to me like these are not going to be temporary for you, just a hunch.
Hopefully there will be a 21 and it will make up for 19 and 20...
CB
It sounds like you're both doing as well as can be not expected right now. <see how that works?
She's moving towards you T. You want to keep the momentum moving in this direction. Continue to be the H that none of us would never leave, but leave the ball in her court. Absolutely no pursuing or pressure from you. She has to make that choice to love.
For this to work you want to eventually (as in semi-soon) see her chasing you. Don't settle for more limbo now. That's my 2 cents worth.
hi all, and thank you!
rH, I didn't have any expectations, heck, last year nothing was done, so the fact that she DID DO SOMEthing was an improvement. And appreciated. One thing about her movie choice, the epic fantasy vs, the "feel good" real life movie, when I asked her why she chose the movie she did, she said something like "I don't want real life right now, I'm into fantasy..." The things the let slip sometimes...
UR, yes, I have hope, but I am VERY WARY of what she says and does, back to "believe none...". I let myself get "hoover'd" back in too many times the past few years, so watching for HPD/BPD traits...
AJ, I'll have you know I look DAMN fine in my kilts (got the legs for it...)
TVS, I wonder if it was real or just "trying it on"...I suppose I should be thankful that she was actually looking into it to see, checking some of the realities, rather than just doing it without checking...But then fantasy was in there too...but idk...lol.
Snoddrly's post gave me thought, and yes, there was anger when I discovered what I did...but this has been floating around my brain a while now since last BD. W has been, even in her own words, a "last minute, don't decide or do anything until I absolutely have too or am forced to" kind of person. I just feel like it is a very strong possibility that she was/is/ avoiding having to decide, and can run with the status quo forever. And that she is having real problems with withdrawal from the online/RL OM replay activity. It was pretty clear in what I discovered. I guess I just feel like she would never decide until "forced to". So I have relieved her of the stress somewhat of having to be the one to file (sort of).
The things I wrote down that I wouldn't miss if she left are playing within her, and the day she worked and it was just me and the boys was so peaceful, fun, I guess I got a small taste that it wouldn't be the end of the world...
Another thing is that the boys have been having issues with the state of things, and it has been increasing the longer this goes on and W feels bad, but has trouble moving to DO something...this has been hard on them, and I don't want it to go on forever, they deserve to begin to heal, one way or another. And so do I.
Now, could she pull out the stops and "try" to work on the R in order to delay until she figures out how to leave, or get a new OM to have in the wings, or whatever? Sure...
So, the plan is to talk with my L, discover all the ins and outs (one thing I did learn is that if I HAVE to use infidelity and abandonment ("marital relations", or lack thereof for a year or more does count in my state) I have to act within a year of last occurrence. I don't want to, and I know she doesn't want to have that either.
I am being completely upfront with her that I will "work on" the R if she does, if not then I am moving forward, though I still believe and feel in my gut that a new/rebuilt/whatever R is possible and likely to succeed. It is up to her to make the beginning moves, either way. I am going to have a happy, content life, regardless. Hoping for a result like in rH's sitch? You betcha. If not, that's okay too. I have done my best, though the only "what if" laying around is "what if" I waited 6 more months before doing this, and she came back or left all on her own, wouldn't that have been better?
Either way, I am looking forward to an adventure, whether by building a new R, or building a new single life.
But don't do what I did...lol.
Quick update on W's actions, just so you all can keep me checked into the reality hotel...
-Caught W staring at me while I was planting, she was supposed to be asleep...
-She wants IC with a counsellor who is versed in menopause and hormone issues, and MC, now.
-She was engaging me, eye contact, etc. last night. Offered to cut my hair, likes my new beard style.
-Seemed rather pensive, thoughtful, processing.
Myself, I was and am just me, being the best I can, though dimmer regarding W. I do feel some weight lifted off of me.
Thanks for reading...
T^2
I think you are a very wise man to see a lawyer and find out the ins and outs of what you need to do and how it will affect you, your wife and your children. One thing for sure, her life as she knows it now will definitely change. It will not be as easy as she has it now and her current position will need to be stepped up and she will need to find a job that pays a good salary in order to live out in the cold, cruel world as we all know it to be. It's not going to be pretty.
You've given her plenty to think about and now the ball is in her court, i.e., whether to work on the relationship or hit the road.
Do what is right for you and your children. They've been living in limbo, just as you have, for a long time. They need to know where their parents are heading, i.e., reconciling or separating. You've given it your all and in the days ahead, I truly believe the answers will present themselves to you. Please be patient just a little bit longer.
Thank you Snodderly.
Funny thing about "change" with her, her new work has already changed, and with all the changes in her life (aging, emptying nes, etc)...she told me this past weekend how she really doesn't like change...I could mind read and analyze that all day, lol!
And I am not in any real hurry, I really still do want a reconciliation, a new R with W. That is still, imo, the best for everyone..but that is just my opinion, W is free to disagree
Maybe I will be even better at DB'ing now, without the overhang of indecision/waiting weighing so much on me...
My gut is still saying we ain't done...but it could be what I ate... lol..
T^2
The other thing is that I HAVE to follow through with at least seeing my L (in addition to being just good policy), otherwise my decision/word means nothing.
For sure on that one T. I think it would be really good for you to, to not have anything to wonder about on that front. I'm planning on doing the same thing once school is out.
So on top of it all you have kilts, and you actually look good in it to. You are for certain a man any woman would be crazy to leave!
Thanks Raine.
Wait a minute, it's been a while since I worn them...doh! Maybe I will try the triple secret DB "kilt" method of attracting W back!!
I crack myself up sometimes (scary thing is, I
like to crack myself up)!...
You haven't already!?! Wasn't that clearly stated on page two?
I'm right there with you. No one thinks I'm as funny as I do.
I hope I didn't create my own roller coaster for myself...I have been feeling like I made "a" right choice (as opposed to "the" right choice).
Now tonight I'm sad, feeling sick and heartbroken...second guessing myself.
Ugh.
Dang it. Sorry T. But I mean all you said is you would see a lawyer, right? I think that is a good thing. You haven't made any final decision. You are just verifying your options and knowing what the outcome of each would be.
Thank you Raine...I am second guessing NOT waiting more before heading in the direction I chose.
I did say that I would give her her divorce, and start the process, and that she could stop it at any time. i guess "start the process" is sort of vague, maybe for good effect. Idk.
I think I am tired and drained from the roller coaster this week, lots of emotional energy spent. Heading to bed. Need to get back in the garden and workout, that always helps my PMA.
An that makes sense. I get the feeling now. I made that decision tonight too, but that decision had been made in my mind months in advance. It was if this happens, this is the result. So when it did, I felt really good about the course of action. I had already lived with that decision for awhile.
But let's see how I am tomorrow or next week
T, I think it's a good idea to go back to the garden and the workouts. You're right, it has been draining. It's not like you haven't been doing this a while, right? Be good to yourself and don't second guess. That'll just make you crazy. If you doubt me, look to your W and see what that does to her
I for one think you continue to do the best thing, even if it's not what you wanted to have happen. You can only deal with what you have to work with and you can only do the best you can. You're doing awesome. Don't let up and don't feel bad about doing what's right for you and your kids. Your W has to figure things out on her own, and while it may be that she loses the best thing in her life (you and her family), she may at least get some healing out of it and who knows? She may learn from it. Be patient and be consistent, just like you have been, T.
Have a great weekend!
AJ
Thank you Raine and AJ...
Guess I was caught up a bit in my "perfect picture" of W coming back completely via her own choice, without having to go down the LLRT path. By now you'd think I would know that things go unexpected all the time in these situations, but I do sometimes hang onto "ideals" a little tightly...
Oddly enough, my horo for today is interesting...
"The "high road" doesn't always offer the prettiest view. It is often the least scenic route. It is frequently marked by difficult terrain and challenging road blocks. You know this, Capricorn, because you always take the high road. But some recent vent has left you feeling so cynical that you want to take the easier path instead. While this may not be considered the "low road," it isn't the best you can do. But if you're going to be true to yourself, then you need to do the right thing. A clear conscience is priceless. "
Queue up Twilight Zone theme in 3...2...1...
Feeling better, less conflicted...trying to get that "adventure" mindset back in place.
Have a great weekend all!
T^2
T, dont do this to yourself.
It is important that you continue to do what is best for you and your children. And that includes getting information from a lawyer.
As far as giving her the divorce, that is what she asked for. It could continue as it is for many more months. I think as some point, you have to do something different.
As you said, she can stop it at any point and you told her the door is always open for R.
I think your actions are fair and honest, and that you are hearing her, giving her what she wants, and lovingly letting her go.
The ball is in her court now.
Please dont let this derail you path. Stay strong, sweetie.
You were writing when I was.
I'll call Rod for you. We are good friends.
Thank you UR...
When I saw my L in Feb 2012, it was for if she left or filed, what my rights were, etc...(my L did say to try to wait W out as long as possible in hopes she would move through this)...well this time it is for me initiating, so a bit different context maybe...?
And you are right:
As far as giving her the divorce, that is what she asked for. It could continue as it is for many more months. I think as some point, you have to do something different.
As you said, she can stop it at any point and you told her the door is always open for R.
I think your actions are fair and honest, and that you are hearing her, giving her what she wants, and lovingly letting her go.
I can still keep the high road in my actions no matter what...
Thank you again for keeping me honest with myself...
I can still keep the high road in my actions no matter what...
Yep, I feel taking the high road should always be the goal. Thank you again for keeping me honest with myself...
This is tough stuff, T^2.
My heart and thoughts are with you today.
rH
Thanks rH, you've walked this road ahead of me, so I really appreciate it...
AJ,
This is so true, and funny, in a sad way...
Be good to yourself and don't second guess. That'll just make you crazy. If you doubt me, look to your W and see what that does to her smile
Thank you...
I will second that.
My XW had the most beautiful "twinkling eyes" when we were together.
It's one of the things I loved about her.
Now she has a blank, empty eyes, although she claims she is so happy and with OM.
Hi T~
Following along here... I do love your horoscope!
It's hard, I know. So many times I wish I knew for sure what to say or do. Maybe a MLC blueprint perhaps? Like if they do this, we do that. I guess we do have that in general with DB, but it's the specifics of each situation that make things tough.
And of course there are no guarantees.
I think our minds can spin out of control with all the various scenarios, and trying to determine just what is best for our family. To me, it is a huge weight that we bear - but still less crushing than everything that is weighing our spouses down.
You have been kind, compassionate, patient, and understanding - I believe not because it is a "technique", but because that's who you are.
And that can never be wrong.
Thinking of you
Yep, it's not an easy road to walk. That's how life is. We have to fight and scratch for every bit of it. We also have to figure out what the purpose of forgiveness is. It's times like these in our lives we can see the contrast and more readily accept why such things are important to all of us on this spinning rock. People are people and at the end of it, relationships with people are all we really leave behind of any value.
How you go forward is important. It's important to how you are going to live your life and the kind of person you are. You are being true to yourself T. You are trying, and have been trying very hard for a long time. You've learned, you've changed, you've grown up. Regardless of your W's choices, that doesn't stop for you until you're done with this life. Your W, your kids, and especially you will look back on this time and have to reconcile your actions and choices. I believe you'll be pleased with what you see, and so will your kids and even your W even if she chooses to be around or not. I think anyone will be able to see you have values and you live them. They will be able to see that you are a man who acts on his values and sticks to them even when many thinks he shouldn't (I'm sure you've heard dissenting opinions from friends/family.) I value that and I think everyone does, even if they don't say it.
As TVS said, you have been kind, compassionate, patient, understanding... You still are.
Be patient, be consistent, and be you. You won't regret those things about you. Keep to your goals and be you.
Now get outside and enjoy the weekend. It won't be here forever
Peace,
AJ
Hi T^2!
I caught up on your thread. Was hopeful and actually got some anxiety for you..... Silly Me!
I am still in the house with my X. I think about you and your situation often. My feeding of my actual cat, who is almost feral now, is so weird. This cat used to sleep plastered to me every night. Then I got a dog who pushed her away. I miss that cat. But my little dog sleeps in her spot now.
And I continue to feed the cat. And evidently a bunch of messy birds, too. So I guess my continuation of the analogy is my good intentions of feeding my cat have gained me a bunch of messy pigeons. I guess we can do the right thing and get the wrong results.
Take Care Of Yourself!
Aloha,
Wendy
Hi TSquared. I wanted to thank you for your advice to me about the big, primary psychological needs of men in general, to help my H who has been feeling less than manly lately. You gave me a very useful glimpse into the male psyche, and I do thank you.
I just finished reading all of your threads, and feel so badly for you. You have become so strong and so good at this DBing, and have been standing for so long, and things seemed so hopeful. I was just telling Snodderly how much I look up to you; you are truly the H whose W would be crazy to leave.
But don't give up hope T^, even if you do feel as if you need to take some steps towards initiating a D, it can be called off as easily as it can be started. I am hopeful that this will be a wake up call for your W. Best of luck to you, and again, thanks for your help.
Thank you TVS, WP, AJ, Wendy, Linda and all!
Quicky update...
We had to put one of our cats down this past weekend...she was my meditation cat, W's rescued "feral cat", so it was very hard on us all. The younger boys were heartbroken, she had just the last year or two become comfortable with them. We don't know what happened, the vet seemed to think it was some poisoning from herbicide, rodent control thing or anti-freeze. Very tough for all of us.
So we are recovering from that, things were pretty status-quo. W has made some "action steps" the past couple days, seeing the ob/gyn/hormone docs, looking for a good therapist for her issues and MC. So I am sitting quietly, waiting to see what all transpires, what all moves, or doesn't.
Just trying to be the best me I can, waiting for the answers that may come. Still will file if needed, but I am in no hurry (though I do set goals for myself to keep me on track with things I don't want to do, and then evaluate at that time...).
I don't want to speculate whether this latest with our cat was any kind of change agent for W, too early and really, how could I know unless W tells me? It was a bit of a change agent for me, I haven't had to do this in a while, and it reminded me of the cyclical nature of life, and to try to get the most out of each day with who you care about, and all you care about. Everything passes.
Okay, got myself in a teary state now, time for a walk down the RR tracks...
T^2
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your feline family member, T. I know how hard it can be. When we had to put down our dog of 14 years, it was by far the worst thing we had gone through up to that time. Didn't even want to go home. It seemed to really bring W and I closer though.
Our present dog (same breed) is nearing 15, so unfortunately we will soon be going through it again.
Back near BD W actually gave this as one of her timelines for D.
"Maybe after Belle dies" I immediately put Belle on a healthy diet and exercise program.
Sorry to hear about your cat T.
Animals give love unconditionally, bring so much into our lives. Maybe there's a lesson in there for us somewhere?
Keep on keepin on my friend!
Hi T^2,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of this special cat. It's so hard to lose these pets (lost both our dogs last year while H was gone). Putting them down is especially hard.
I'm glad you all had the opportunity to rescue her.
It may get W to thinking about important R's in her life. We can hope, can't we?
Thinking of you,
rH
Sorry to hear about your cat, T.
My cat has been a blessing to me during this time. She's a fat old grumpy grey cat who loves me best. Nothing can top when she snuggles up to me and purrs me to sleep.
We get so attached to the little beasts.
T,
I'm very sorry about the family's furry companion. You and your family gave the little one a home so that he wasn't out on the street. He had a good life w/you and that's what is important.
I know how it feels to lose a furry companion and boy, it leaves an empty hole. Some day, you'll get another one and share your love w/him/her. Again, I am very sorry.