Thanks for stopping by. It is time for a new thread and my previous thread can be found here:
On 10/10/10The setup:
Two years ago when XW decided to leave we made a deal that I would get S20 a cell phone and put him on my plan for Christmas. She was going to do the same for S17. A few weeks ago, she was happy to announce to S17 that if he got good grades, she would upgrade him to an IPhone.
Last night, I got the following text from The Twilight Zone. She is an absolute whack job. It reads:
Here is the deal: I've been paying 115 dollars a month for S17's phone, 185 dollars a month for medical, dental, vision and life insurance, 330 dollars a month for child support, I bought all of his school clothes and supplies and everything else he needs. I honestly have been bringing home 610 dollars a month and my rent is 650. I can't pay bills and have been doing all of the transporting of S17 back and forth between houses. Can you PLEASE see about getting him a cell phone and put him on your plan with S20 and you? I just can't do it anymore. Last week, I spent all of my paycheck on S20's birthday. I really would like your help with the phone situation.My sons tell me all the time that she is always spending money like she has plenty. And....if she is that broke, why is she spending "entire paychecks" on S20's birthday?
The funniest part about this text was that she used the word
HONESTLY. Does she really think that I am going to believe her because she is being
HONEST?
Now, I thought of s few responses that would go something like this:
Sorry, but it is no longer my problem. You did this.Or something like:
You could always ask OM. He's your sugar daddy and has plenty of money from what I gather from everyhting you have told everybody.Or:
Sorry. I can't help you.I eventually decided to just let it go. I did not respond at all. Should I have? The old me would have wasted no time sending her a nasty text back.
I really don't believe anything that she says anymore. How can she go from "upgrading to an IPhone" to "I can't do it anymore" in a matter of just a few weeks?
If she is that broke, too bad. It's not my problem. I'm broke too and have my own sh!t to deal with.
Any thoughts?
Tad
Or you could respond, "no."
Or you could let your kids (arguably adults) grow up and learn the responsibility of paying for their own phones.
There is no drama in this conversation, apart from what you've imparted. Clearly both you and your exwife are in financial dire straights. Better decisions are in order.
Plus if after two years you are still hoping for reconciliation, you might want to ditch the bitterness.
Hi Tad,
Wow your XW's tone sounds just like my Xh's about finances! OMG I swear they're texts are darn near identical!!! LOL. At any rate don't let her crazy making make you crazy, ok? Yes her choices are the result of both your financial status being less than ideal, but it is what it is now. Better to deal with it accordingly.
So this is how I would handle it...and this is just me so this is just a suggestion!
You need to respond because this really is a problem. Yes this is the result of the crap that went down, but it is what it is. There's not enough money to go around for everyone to live comfortably and cell phones are important this day and age. I understand this because this is how I keep important contact with my girls.
So Tad try to think of a solution, and strive to problem solve this. Respond to her by bringing some solutions to the table and ask her what she thinks.
I agree that your son's are old enough to start paying for their own phones. Second of all there are less expensive choices out there, like the pre paid plans, Straight Talk, etc.
At the same time there is NOTHING wrong with telling your boys that $$$ is tight either way around, and that they can either work on getting a job to pay for their own phones, OR, there's going to be some dramatic changes to their phone plans or phones all together. Ask the boys what they think should be done.
Bust ass on objectivity Tad, and work on the truth here and now as it is. Backsliding into their B.S. just keeps us stuck, bitter, and depressed. Do not allow her pissing and whining about her finances get you down. THIS IS THE REALITY OF DIVORCE.
And many, many people, don't even think about this when they're skipping out the door into La La MLC land.
Tad,
You can't go all passive aggressive on your xw. You need to respond to her text and advise her that you are not in a financial position to pick up the tab for your son's IPhone at this time. You may offer up some suggestions to assist her in the payment of the phone, but I would not take on any additional expenses at this time.
I do believe that both of your sons are at an age whereby they could pick up a part time job to help w/the financing of their phones. It's called learning responsibility and if that doesn't work, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your expenses and only keep those that are necessary and important for survival at this time.
I've got students your sons' ages who don't have cell phones or plans. Their families simply can't afford them. My own mom has a phone that only calls people. By choice. This notion that everyone has to have a cell phone as a necessity is nuts. We all lived without them and we survived. In college I didn't even have a room phone. We had one pay phone on the wing I lived in. WE LIVED.
This isn't your problem. I'm really proud that you didn't respond. I agree with Snodderly you can't be PA with her, which, if you responded with any comments about how she got herself into this mess or made a comment about the OM, you'd be PA then. But not responding or simply saying "I can't help", and then telling your sons "sorry, earn money to get your own phone/plan or go without", is the best way to go here.
See? She was nice to you, then she hit you with this...it's all manipulation.
Just wanted to add: I realize that I don't have kids (though I spend my entire job working with other people's kids) so maybe I'm not the best one to give advice about co-parenting, but this just doesn't seem to me a real problem, something that "fits" under co-parenting. To me co-parenting means your kids are in trouble in a big way, injured, failing in school, acting out, those are things you "must" deal with together. But a cell phone? This is like saying "I think he needs a leather jacket instead of that older one he wears now which is ok but not as nice. Can't you help out??" Nope. Not a real problem.
I do have kids as many of us here do. I agree with the others Tad - don't get PA about it. That's not detached, now is it? I applaud that you recognize you're different. You are. And I applaud that you didn't just send it. Good on ya!
I say if you have nothing constructive or non-pa to say, then say nothing. Let her work it out as she sees fit. If you can be constructive, then do so with detached objectivity. As if it was somebody else's problem you were asked to help with.
Your kids are old enough to learn the value of paying for things they want.
I also see that she seems to want you to bail her out of her decisions. I don't see that as a good thing for you to do. It's just that I don't think you're at a point to objectively convey that idea to her, yet. That's something you would have done when working together to solve problems. But you're not in that place any longer. Is what it is.
How's the book coming?
Peace,
AJ
Also, isn't this between her and S17? And, it's not your problem if she uses a whole pay check to buy a gift for S20's b/day gift. How foolish is that? Probably trying to buy favor with him. Weird!
Thanks everyone. I DID NOT respond. I figured I would probably end up saying something that would p!ss her off. Plus, it really isnt my problem. Like BeingMe says, it is between her and S17. I just found it funny that she wanted to purchase a brand new expensive Iphone for him a few weeks ago and now, she can't even afford the phone that he currently has. It really isn't my deal or problem.
I think that maybe she found out that she will have to pay child support until S17 is out of school even though he turns 18 next month. Arizona law says that she has to continue to pay as long as he is in school. I'm sure there is a motive in there somewhere.
Antonia, I agree. It is not really a "parenting issue."
AJ, thanks for asking about the book. It is almost finished. I'm just tweaking with the ending a little bit.
I've noticed a change within me over the last week or so. Yes, it all still bothers me alot, but not as much as it did. I'm getting where I really don't care or think about her as much. Maybe I am just getting numb. Something is different. Not sure what it is.
Tad
Something is different. Not sure what it is.
It's called life.
I know what it is. And it is not numbness
Looking forward to the book.
AJ
Tad,
You can't go all passive aggressive on your xw. You need to respond to her text and advise her that you are not in a financial position to pick up the tab for your son's IPhone at this time. You may offer up some suggestions to assist her in the payment of the phone, but I would not take on any additional expenses at this time.
I do believe that both of your sons are at an age whereby they could pick up a part time job to help w/the financing of their phones. It's called learning responsibility and if that doesn't work, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your expenses and only keep those that are necessary and important for survival at this time.
"Twilighht zone"? Look, she changed her mind. She made an offer in a moment of well intended but not well thought out motivation, and then realized she could not afford it. it's not insane, it's just reality.
So deal with it. Spare her the nasty attitude. I don't think she's being a bitch here although she should not have offered the Iphone.
If you are saying "you did this" to mean she left YOU, oh please, drop that. It's been 2 years and she already is paying for it literally...
YOUR SONS need to step up...and you need to let it go.
IMO, the OM has no responsibility to pay for your son's phones...frankly at their age, only THEY do...
Tad,
You can't go all passive aggressive on your xw. You need to respond to her text and advise her that you are not in a financial position to pick up the tab for your son's IPhone at this time. You may offer up some suggestions to assist her in the payment of the phone, but I would not take on any additional expenses at this time.
I do believe that both of your sons are at an age whereby they could pick up a part time job to help w/the financing of their phones. It's called learning responsibility and if that doesn't work, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your expenses and only keep those that are necessary and important for survival at this time.
"Twilighht zone"? Look, she changed her mind. She made an offer in a moment of well intended but not well thought out motivation, and then realized she could not afford it. it's not insane, it's just reality.
So deal with it. Spare her the nasty attitude. I don't think she's being a bitch here although she should not have offered the Iphone.
If you are saying "you did this" to mean she left YOU, oh please, drop that. It's been 2 years and she already is paying for it literally...
YOUR SONS need to step up...and you need to let it go.
IMO, the OM has no responsibility to pay for your son's phones...frankly at their age, only THEY do...
25yearsmlc tells it like it is !!! - very well stated !!
"Twilighht zone"? Look, she changed her mind. She made an offer in a moment of well intended but not well thought out motivation, and then realized she could not afford it. it's not insane, it's just reality.
So deal with it. Spare her the nasty attitude. I don't think she's being a bitch here although she should not have offered the Iphone.
If you are saying "you did this" to mean she left YOU, oh please, drop that. It's been 2 years and she already is paying for it literally...
25, I
did spare her the attitude. I did not even respond. As for the Twilight Zone comment, she has told him 6 different things in the last few weeks regarding his cell phone. She told him that she was going to get him a newer version. Then, it switched to a brand new Iphone. Then she said she was going to get him the second to newest version then back to the Iphone again. Now, it is back to "I can't afford it."
Another example happened just yesterday:
In September, she told S17 that she wanted him for Thanksgiving. A few weeks later, she told all of our sons that she wanted to have all of them over. Two weeks ago, she told them that they were "on their own" for Thanksgiving because she was going to be "out of state" with OM. Yesterday, she told S17 that she wants to pick him up on Wednesday night and keep him until Sunday on Thanksgiving weekend. Are they always this flaky?
Tad
Yes. But what have you planned for Thanksgiving?
Who cares if they how flaky they are? That's their problem.
Tad, your sons are old enough to deal with this with their mom. And if they become fed up, then, she'll have to deal with it.
Your job is to stay out of the way of their relationship and let them forge whatever kind they decide.
You keep trying to figure her out. You can't. Impossible.
So, stay out of the phone business.
As far as Thanksgiving. Make your plans. If they include your sons, then, let it be known and that's that.
Tad, there are just some things in life that cannot be explained. Accept it.
She is living her life. Live yours.
YES^^^^^^^^ to both Bond's reply and this one.
Let it sink in, please.
Okay 25, Snodderly, AJ, Jack, Antonia and any other vets that want to chime in. How do I respond to this text? She is dropping off S17 at my house today and apparently she is sending cupcakes. It reads:
Trying to get an idea as to how many cupcakes to send....I forget if you will eat coconut. I made German chocolate cupcakes. Let me know please.
WTF?????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I received it about an hour ago, but didn't get around to reading until just now...
Confused as Hell.
Tad
Tad,
Do you read people's responses to you?
Do you read people's responses to you?
Yes I do. I simply asked a question....
Ok. I decided to respond and sent:
M: No Thanks.
X: Ok. Thanks for the response.
Tad
You're not married. She was just being nice. End of story.
For some reason, you seem to expect her to act like a total b@tch around you now that you're D'd. She's trying to make peace. It's up to you to accept it or not.
Tad,
Your response was appropriate.
I don't know why you were confused about her email? Are you looking for an ulterior motive? If so, you need to let this stinking thinking go. Again, let her go and stop trying to over analyze every word or action that she says or does...it's not healty for you to do so. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to her behavior.
As hard as it is, you need to learn to accept your xw for who she is today and not who she was whent you met and married her. She is a totally different woman and now she is on her own journey, a journey that you were not invited on. She is no longer a part of your life as your soulmate or companion. She is only connected to you now as the mother of your children. Let her go and allow God to work on her.
Tad, it's time to start living your life for YOU. She may or may not ever want to reconcile w/you. You do not want to be sitting in the same place spinning your wheels for the rest of your life. You have a lot to offer the world and the world is waiting to help you move forward.
Tad,
I came here to your thread to ask you if you like your new job at home. I want to apply for something similar and was curious how you feel about your job.
Then I saw this going on. So first of all this is what I'd like to say.
I can identify with Tad's "WTF" moment with his XW going from a spewing volcano, to now asking her boys how he is, telling them she wants to be friends, and now offering cupcakes.
I understand this because my Xh has behaved in similar ways recently. And the first thing I do is wonder WTH he's up to now!
And why is this? I do believe that the LBS literally can't heal, from the trauma of this all at the pace if the MLCer's cycling. Some of them cycle so damn fast it makes our heads spin. As soon as we start to get into one place, next thing you know they come along and do something different that completely takes us off guard. Then it's like " ok now what!" Seriously why on earth would Tad expect her to send him cupcakes? Sorry but if XH offered some I'd suspect it was poisoned! It's like all the insanity she's bestowed upon you and your son's has just disappeared, and none of it exists anymore, so lets just be friends. Well...it's not that easy now is it?
By what these MLCers put us through we're put in a consistent state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. We don't know if we're getting spew, or getting something nice. Face it folks MLC or not what we've been put through is some serious emotional and verbal abuse and even physical. And just because the WAS for whatever reasons decies THEY want to be nice and THEY are going to treat us kindly does NOT MEAN WE ARE READY FOR THIS OR CAN HANDLE IT.
We are in fight or flight mode for quite some time.
Tad the way I see it is your XW had some serious hooks into you and you're seriously scarred from it all and are still trying to heal. You're not ready to be friends with her and may never be, and that's 100% ok. Yet at the same time you're in the position of hearing your boys frustrations with her, and as a parent it's only natural to want rectify this.
From what I can tell she does sound really flakey that ordeal with the cell phones is really silly.
So Hey, I personally can see why you're going " WTF". I can.
But I'd like to remind you that it's of most importance that you remember that you need to protect yourself here too. Remind yourself how crazy this woman makes you. Remind yourself what you need to not go to that place again.
Infact I think it might be a good idea to set some more boundaries with her. Your response was good about the cupcakes, but if she continues to pursue these things with you, consider letting her know that you want her to stop and why you want her to stop.
I had to do that with XH to protect myself more than once in different ways. He backed off, but still tries a little here and there.
It's easy to see what you're expecting - you're expecting the shoe to drop. She says something "nice" or "honest" and you are left wondering, "ok, but do I need to brace myself for the next spew?!? WTF?" To paraphrase a little
I don't know why that's hard for others to see, but I see it. I know it. I live it.
Time to get off the crazy train, Tad. You are doing the right things by being distant and not responding. Now it's time to let go of those "normal" expectations you would have of anyone else doing those actions. I realize its hard because it affects your boys and because you realize she isn't "right" which may be the reason you see her leaving in the first place. Right?
But get off the train. As you stand further back, you can deal with this junk much better. She is still with OM and not you. So it's not for you to deal with. It's for you to make sure she is so far away that she cannot hurt you. Not "fair" but it is what it is. You are still hurting and therefore sensitive to these things. That's what a lot of people here pick up on and are trying to steer you away from. They have your best interest at heart. Seriously. But it's up to you to stand back even further.
Will there be crazy junk from her over the years? Count on it. This pretty tame really, but there will be more that makes you shake your head and wonder at it. There's more Tad. There will be more until you put a stop to it.
You can't help her, I'm afraid. I know you want to, but she has to work herself out.
Now, about that book... how goes it my friend?
Peace,
AJ
If you truly get your own life going, if you follow your own path, own interests, make goals, try to meet them, and build your own self-esteem, crap like this will not send you into a tizzy where you feel you have to ask for advice every time she says "boo!" There's nothing wrong with asking for advice but I think you want to try to get to a place where you actually have instincts, good ones, of self-protection and detachment, and you follow them. You're only going to get there if you make your own life and stop obsesssing over her every move.
Someone one said to me when I spun my wheels in a similar fashion, "do you really honestly think HE (XH) is spending anywhere NEAR the time thinking about you, obsessing about you, as you are over him?" And sadly, the answer was a big fat no.
There is only so much energy in your system to go around and keep you going. Maybe you need to think about using that energy to lift yourself up and to use it to interact with people who truly do care about you and haven't made jerking you around an art form. Stop expending so much of your energy on her and place it where it's really meaningful.
What are you doing to build your self-confidence and self-esteem? When you can build that these bizarre contacts from her will roll off you like water off a duck's back.
Tad,
I came here to your thread to ask you if you like your new job at home. I want to apply for something similar and was curious how you feel about your job.
Then I saw this going on. So first of all this is what I'd like to say.
I can identify with Tad's "WTF" moment with his XW going from a spewing volcano, to now asking her boys how he is, telling them she wants to be friends, and now offering cupcakes.
I understand this because my Xh has behaved in similar ways recently. And the first thing I do is wonder WTH he's up to now!
And why is this? I do believe that the LBS literally can't heal, from the trauma of this all at the pace if the MLCer's cycling. Some of them cycle so damn fast it makes our heads spin. As soon as we start to get into one place, next thing you know they come along and do something different that completely takes us off guard. Then it's like " ok now what!" Seriously why on earth would Tad expect her to send him cupcakes? Sorry but if XH offered some I'd suspect it was poisoned! It's like all the insanity she's bestowed upon you and your son's has just disappeared, and none of it exists anymore, so lets just be friends. Well...it's not that easy now is it?
By what these MLCers put us through we're put in a consistent state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. We don't know if we're getting spew, or getting something nice. Face it folks MLC or not what we've been put through is some serious emotional and verbal abuse and even physical. And just because the WAS for whatever reasons decies THEY want to be nice and THEY are going to treat us kindly does NOT MEAN WE ARE READY FOR THIS OR CAN HANDLE IT.
We are in fight or flight mode for quite some time.
Tad the way I see it is your XW had some serious hooks into you and you're seriously scarred from it all and are still trying to heal. You're not ready to be friends with her and may never be, and that's 100% ok. Yet at the same time you're in the position of hearing your boys frustrations with her, and as a parent it's only natural to want rectify this.
From what I can tell she does sound really flakey that ordeal with the cell phones is really silly.
So Hey, I personally can see why you're going " WTF". I can.
But I'd like to remind you that it's of most importance that you remember that you need to protect yourself here too. Remind yourself how crazy this woman makes you. Remind yourself what you need to not go to that place again.
Infact I think it might be a good idea to set some more boundaries with her. Your response was good about the cupcakes, but if she continues to pursue these things with you, consider letting her know that you want her to stop and why you want her to stop.
I had to do that with XH to protect myself more than once in different ways. He backed off, but still tries a little here and there.
No offense Kimmerz, b/c I get what your point is here for your sitch...
MY point for Tad is, so what?
TAD NEEDS TO MOVE ON and stop asking questions that have no good answers.
Who the hell cares WHY she offered cupcakes? It's NOT a "signal" of her wanting to marry Tad.
I ASSUME she's being nice. I don't believe it means a damn thing about her wanting to reconcile...
I would read ZERO into any and all of this....nada, nothing, zilch...
and I'd move on along in my own life.
I'D CREATE A GOOD LIFE FOR MYSELF AND MY SONS...I'D STOP WAITING AND PRETENDING HIS WIFE IS SENDING MIXED SIGNALS. They are not mixed signals.
IT'S NOT AN ALL OR NOTHING DEAL...
it's not "'either she's a bitch and hates me"
OR
"she wants to get back together....I just have to 'de-code' it right."
That seems to be what Tad goes to everytime...one or the other. And it's not the case.
They were married a long time, she probably has some good feelings of friendship left for him, and some fond memories. To me, once the dust settles, that would be normal.
She has chosen OM to be married to however. Yet she doesn't want to feel like the bad guy. So she chooses small gestures of kindness or texts him a message about his fav band being on TV to show gestures of good will...
But to Tad, it's a HUGE SIGNAL OF... SOMETHING...and then he says "Confusing as hell"
but I don't find it confusing...at all.... it's not even new behavior.
Unfortunately Tad, b/c you cannot see anything on her end that isn't one or the other, YOU have to say "no thanks" to any offer on her end.
and that's that. Okay Tad? Keep on moving along in a forward way...please.
Don't be confused. See this clearly for what it was, a small gesture of friendship...and move on...
If you truly get your own life going, if you follow your own path, own interests, make goals, try to meet them, and build your own self-esteem, crap like this will not send you into a tizzy --- You're only going to get there if you make your own life and stop obsesssing over her every move.
Someone one said to me when I spun my wheels in a similar fashion, "do you really honestly think HE (XH) is spending anywhere NEAR the time thinking about you, obsessing about you, as you are over him?" And sadly, the answer was a big fat no.
AMEN to this^^^^!!!!
There is only so much energy in your system to go around and keep you going. -- Stop expending so much of your energy on her and place it where it's really meaningful.
What are you doing to build your self-confidence and self-esteem? When you can build that these bizarre contacts from her will roll off you like water off a duck's back.
Good stuff... IMO, she spends 1/10 of the time on Tad that he spends on her...
--IF THAT MUCH--
Tad is trying to hold on. He doesn't want to let go yet and anything NICE or near NICE she does is gonna give him hope.
This is the way it will be until he decides to live his life for him.
Tad, in my opinion, your ex will prb do NICE stuff off and on for months/yrs to come.
Do you really want to be stuck that long? I don't think you do. No one would.
You have got to stop analyzing Tad.
She is being nice to her kids father.
It's prb her way of getting rid of some of her guilt.
I know this is hard for you, but its only because you are standing (I assume) and waiting.
So much time is passing you by.
I can imagine how you let yourself get confused.
I don't have to deal with this because my ex is a jerk but I know it would be hard if I did.
If you do what Antonia suggested you will be in a better place and this stuff will not bother you.
It wont happen until you move on.
I know you want your family back Tad, but what do you want to wait and wait and analyze and analyze. Its like watching paint dry.
Move on with your life, accept the nice things she does, and go on. OR move away, lose her number and start new. I know you have kids and that might be impossible but it might be the only way you are gonna get past this.
Hugs,
Renee
"There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad, and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who don't. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living."
Hey Tad and other good folks, I can't, and I don't think I will ever be able to fully intergrate who My ex W Liz is now, and the Liz I knew before (over the 28 years we were an item). Unless that is, she ever changes, they will always be different persons. I do accept who she is now and what she as become. But I don't want any contact with her, it's just so shocking for me to see her nower days.
Love
Delboy
Hey Delboy!
I hear you! In some cases, they never integrate and the changes are so drastic it's hard to believe.
Hope you are and your family are doing well.
I feel a song coming on, Just for Tad, check it out on Y--- T---
I've been Hurt: performed by Guy Darell
First released in 1966 and later re-released in 1973 in the UK, of which I have a copy off, which was given to us by Liz’s family in 1981 with a load of other 45 records too.
(Or should it be titled: ‘Tad's Been Hurt’)
I’---------ve been hurt, hurt, hurt...
Yes, I've been hurt
I’ve been hurt, hurt -
Like I’ve never been, hurt before
Why should I---------, try to be
So give me your love
I’ve been hurt
Well you cheated, mistreated
Cheated, cheated on me,
There you go, whole, whole, a whole lot of lies
It will happen, it will happen, it will happen
After that time
I saw you with another guy
Holding him tight
I’---------ve been hurt, hurt, hurt...
Yes, I’ve been hurt
I’ve been hurt, hurt -
Like I’ve never been hurt before
Why should I----------, try to be
So give me your love
I’ve been hurt
I’ve been hurt, hurt, hurt,...
Yes I’ve been hurt, hurt, hurt,...
I’ve been hurt, hurt, hurt,...
Yes I’ve been hurt, hurt, hurt,...
I’ve been hurt, hurt,…
P.S. Where is the Smurf man, I would bet my last dollar/pound that he will've danced to this, back in the day, with all that other ‘Northern Soul’ music.
Love
Delboy
Delboy,
I haven't heard from the Smurf Man is a while. I'll have to drop him a note to see how he is doing. The last time I was in contact w/him, he was on his own in Switzerland.
Take care of yourself.
Hey Tad,
Just curious when you post about something in regards to your XW, are you posting just to vent and have a good bitch session, or are you really upset and still have alot of mixed feelings about interactions with her?
Do you feel you still need guidance in how to handle situations with her?
Are you confident you can handle whatever sitch with her that is NECESSARY or do you feel insecure about that?
Hi all. Been away for a little while. I had one really bad day last week, but overall I've been ok. I've decided that for the moment, I want NO relationship with anyone right now. I don't want one or need one.
I came here to your thread to ask you if you like your new job at home. I want to apply for something similar and was curious how you feel about your job.
I do like it. It gets a little boring sometimes, but it isn't too bad.
She's trying to make peace. It's up to you to accept it or not.
This is the part that confuses me. Why make peace with someone who you think is such a bad person?
She may or may not ever want to reconcile w/you. You do not want to be sitting in the same place spinning your wheels for the rest of your life. You have a lot to offer the world and the world is waiting to help you move forward.
Thank you Snodderly.
Now, about that book... how goes it my friend?
It's going. Still tweaking with the ending a little bit...
Who the hell cares WHY she offered cupcakes? It's NOT a "signal" of her wanting to marry Tad.
I don't think that I or anyone else on here said that it was a "signal."
She has chosen OM to be married to however. Yet she doesn't want to feel like the bad guy. So she chooses small gestures of kindness or texts him a message about his fav band being on TV to show gestures of good will...
Yes but.....my mom left my dad for an OM and sure as Hell would never send him a text about his favorite band or cupcakes. Matter of fact, I don't know anybody like that. If I had left her because she was "so terrible", I wouldn't have anything to do with her. And why do nice things for somebody that supposedly "hurt her to the core?" BTW - I still haven't been told what I did.
Just curious when you post about something in regards to your XW, are you posting just to vent and have a good bitch session, or are you really upset and still have alot of mixed feelings about interactions with her?
Do you feel you still need guidance in how to handle situations with her?
Are you confident you can handle whatever sitch with her that is NECESSARY or do you feel insecure about that?
I honestly come here to vent and get feedback from some of the others that are further along than me. I also like to compare and see the similarities...
Tad
Quote from you : "Yes but.....my mom left my dad for an OM and sure as Hell would never send him a text about his favorite band or cupcakes. Matter of fact, I don't know anybody like that. If I had left her because she was "so terrible", I wouldn't have anything to do with her. And why do nice things for somebody that supposedly "hurt her to the core?" BTW - I still haven't been told what I did."
Tad, different strokes for different folks.
Last week I suggested to my XW that maybe we should go out to do something more fun than emailing. She said "no thank, sorry". I had never asked her to go out before.
The next day (after 5 years apart) she finally told me "I let her down as a husband and was the one that destroyed our marriage". This is the FIRST time she has given a reason why she left.
I validated what she said (sort of).
She went on and on that she has no interest in"us" and that I should move on and find someone new.
The next day I saw her at my kids school and she came up and gave me the biggest hug ever. The kind of hug that couples do when they make up after a fight.
I didn't hear from her for 5 days until she sent a text asking if I want to meet up with her and the kids at a school function this past weekend. I answered "no thanks". I find it too hard to be all together, have a great time and not have it mean anything to her like it does with me.
This situation has been going on for at least a year now. It's the classic distance and pursuit situation.
I have to stop the distance and pursuit cycle.
Tad, the point of the story is my XW left me and many times is nice and even bakes stuff for me. You know what it means ? It means nothing !
It "might" mean she is trying to soften the situation so we all just get along great.
But time and time again my wife has articulated that I was the one that destroyed our marriage and that I need to move on. Oh ya, btw she is always complimenting me on what a great father I am.....
Whitney, I agree that it means nothing. I have to wonder though if OM knows that my X is doing that. I know if I was OM, I wouldn't be too crazy about it.
Babbling:
Found out tonight that I still can't listen to music unless it is the hard stuff. I went out to dinner tonight with 3 of my sons and had to walk out once because of the music they were playing. Damn. It's been two years and still.....
I was on Yahoo this morning and saw an interesting article right on the front page:
NEW YORK (AP) — Chimpanzees going through a midlife crisis? It sounds like a setup for a joke.
But there it is, in the title of a report published Monday in a scientific journal: "Evidence for a midlife crisis in great apes."
So what do these apes do? Buy red Ferraris? Leave their mates for some cute young bonobos?
Uh, no.
"I believe no ape has ever purchased a sports car," said Andrew Oswald, an author of the study. But researchers report that captive chimps and orangutans do show the same low ebb in emotional well-being at midlife that some studies find in people.
That suggests the human tendency toward midlife discontent may have been passed on through evolution, rather than resulting simply from the hassles of modern life, said Oswald, a professor of economics at the University of Warwick in England who presented his work Monday in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.
A second study in the journal looks at a younger age group and finds that happiness in youth can lead to higher income a few years down the road.
More on that later. Let's get back to those apes.
Several studies have concluded that happiness in human adults tends to follow a certain course between ages 20 and 70: It starts high and declines over the years to reach a low point in the late 40s, then turns around and rises to another peak at 70. On a graph, that's a U-shaped pattern. Some researchers question whether that trend is real, but to Oswald the mystery is what causes it.
"This is one of the great patterns of human life. We're all going to slide along this U for good or ill," he said. "So what explains it?"
When he learned that others had been measuring well-being in apes, "it just seemed worth pursuing the hunch that the U might be more general than in humans," he said.
He and co-authors assembled data on 508 great apes from zoos and research centers in the U.S., Australia, Canada, Singapore and Japan. Caretakers and other observers had filled out a four-item questionnaire to assess well-being in the apes. The questions asked such things as the degree to which each animal was in a positive or negative mood, how much pleasure it got from social situations, and how successful it was in achieving goals. The raters were even asked how happy they would be if they were the animal for a week.
Sounds wacky? Oswald and his co-authors say research suggests it's a valid approach. And they found that the survey results produced that familiar U-shaped curve, adjusted to an ape's shorter lifespan.
"We find it for these creatures that don't have a mortgage and don't have to go to work and don't have marriage and all the other stuff," Oswald said. "It's as though the U shape is deep in the biology of humans" rather than a result of uniquely human experiences.
Yes, apes do have social lives, so "it could still be something human-like that we share with our social cousins," he said. "But our result does seem to push away the likelihood that it's dominantly something to do with human life."
Oswald said it's not clear what the evolutionary payoff might be from such discontent. Maybe it prods parents to be restless, "to help find new worlds for the next generation to breed," he said.
Frans de Waal, an authority in primate behavior at Emory University, cautioned that when people judge the happiness of apes, there may be a "human bias." But in an email he called the results "intuitively correct" and said the notion of biological influence over the human pattern is "an intriguing possibility."
Even happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside, who thinks the U-shaped pattern in people is a statistical mirage, says she can't write off the ape result the same way. "I'm not really sure what it means," she said. "I am finding this very intriguing." Maybe it will spur more thinking about what's going on in both apes and humans, she said.
Oswald is also an author of a second report in the journal that finds new evidence that being happy can help young people earn more money later on. Prior research had also reached that conclusion, but Lyubomirsky and University of Virginia psychology professor Shige Oishi called the new work the best evidence yet.
"Wow," Oishi said in an email. "This is a very strong paper" in its approach.
Researchers drew on data from a huge sample of young Americans who were surveyed repeatedly. They were asked to rate their positive feelings such as happiness and hopefulness at age 16 and again at 18, and their satisfaction with life at 22. Researchers then compared their ratings with their income around age 29. The data came from nearly 15,000 participants at age 16, and at least 11,000 at the latter two ages.
Higher income at age 29 was consistently linked to greater happiness at the earlier ages. The least happy 16-year-olds, for example, went on to average about $10,000 a year less than the happiest. That disparity shrank by about half when the researchers statistically removed the effect of other influences such as ethnicity, health and education.
A happiness effect even appeared between siblings within their own families.
What's going on? Most likely, happiness raises productivity and helps a person work effectively with others, factors that promote success in the workplace, Oswald said. The study found that happier people were more likely to get a college degree and get hired and promoted.
Ed Diener, an authority on happiness research at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, said optimism probably plays a role because it helps people persist in their efforts and take on difficult goals. Since several studies, including his own, have now linked happiness to later income, that idea seems reliable, he said.
Parents should recognize that "the psychological well-being of their children is important in how well the kids will do in simple dollar terms later on," Oswald said. And unhappy people should realize that they might have to strive harder than others to focus on work and promotion rather than their unhappiness, he said.
Tad
Tad
Interesting article. I hope you won't stare at it and hold up the MLC label much longer b/c it's not relevant to your life now and you've spent so much time trying to answer things that I guess you think will help you feel better but I don't see that at all.
Anyhow, what I got from this article, vis a vis YOU, is that thinking more happy thoughts leads to better results ----NOT the other way around.
Where our head goes, our heart will follow, (IF we let it!)
Yes, The "fake it til you make it", actually works. Focussing on the negatives does not lead to more happiness and actually decreases our salaries too. You sound and act depressed and it stays with you and you won't shake it off.
Someone here posted to you that the "lbs literally cannot heal until the WAS..." and no offense to whoever said that, truly, but
I reject that, in toto.
WE are in charge of our happiness.Period. No one else is.
When you claim OR behave as if someone else's choices force you to feel some way, or allow/prevent your own happiness, or mood,
then you are abdicating your responsibility to yourself, to God and to your kids.
Here's what I mean...
Higher income at age 29 was consistently linked to greater happiness at the earlier ages. The least happy 16-year-olds, for example, went on to average about $10,000 a year less than the happiest. That disparity shrank by about half when the researchers statistically removed the effect of other influences such as ethnicity, health and education.
A happiness effect even appeared between siblings within their own families.
What's going on? Most likely, happiness raises productivity and helps a person work effectively with others, factors that promote success in the workplace, Oswald said. The study found that happier people were more likely to get a college degree and get hired and promoted.
AND
optimism probably plays a role because it helps people persist in their efforts and take on difficult goals. Since several studies, including his own, have now linked happiness to later income, that idea seems reliable,
Let her go, and have an optimistic view of where that might lead you.
OR stay rooted in fear and feelings of rejection. That's what this means to me.
Then-
The article ends with--
unhappy people should realize that they might have to strive harder than others to focus on work and promotion rather than their unhappiness, he said.
ahem, good point.
So how are those GAL activities going?
25 are you on the alt?
you are one smart cookie!
Thank you Renee......that was a great testimony...I really am happy with my life I have a job ...I am in good health and I have my family....."With God all things are possible" I pray you are doing well.....Irma
Hi everyone. It has been a while.
Interesting article. I hope you won't stare at it and hold up the MLC label much longer b/c it's not relevant to your life now and you've spent so much time trying to answer things that I guess you think will help you feel better but I don't see that at all.
Not at all 25. I just found it interesting that it happens to monkeys too. I guess it shows that this crap is real.
I had a decent Thanksgiving. We ( me, S19 and S21) spent it at S19's GF's house.
I'm getting better. I know this because things don't bother me as much as they used to. They still do, but not as much.
Antonia, I believe it was you (forgive me if I'm wrong) that told me that I needed to accomplish something. Well guess what? I finished my book! It will be available exclusively in Kindle format beginning Friday and available on the Nook, Iphone, Ipad and Smartphones at the beginning of March. I don't really care if it sales much. I hope it does, but just getting it done made me feel good.
XW has been encouraging S17 to drop out of school. Can you believe that? The old W would NEVER find that acceptable. I think it is because she found out that even though he will turn 18 on December 5th, she still has to pay support until he is done with school.
Anyways, that is it for now.
Tad
Tad congratulations!!
That's very interesting. A childhood friend of mine just got a book of his own on Kindle today too!
How do you go about getting a book on Kinde? Does it cost an arm and a leg?
Tad,
I'm very proud of you! Congratulations! Can you provide us with the name of the book? I'm reading Antonia's book now.
I'm glad you a decent Thanksgiving. I'm also glad to see you didn't stay home alone during the holiday.
For the love of Pete, your xw needs to stop encouraging your son to drop out of school. Education is more important today than it has ever been. Jobs are scarce and if you don't get a good education, you can't get a decent job or go to college. Money is definitely the root of all evil. Honestly, she needs to get her head out of the toilet and pay attention to what is important. Sorry, that's my rant of the day.
Tad, I'm happy to see you are doing better. You are going to have good and bad days, but the good days will outweigh the bad ones as you move along.
Take care.
Tad, It was me who told you that you needed to accomplish something. This is outstanding! I'm really glad you did this. I agree, tell us the name of the book so we can find it to buy it. I'm looking forward to reading it.
It's funny how this board seems to generate writers of different sorts--or rather, that maybe some of us have been hidden writers all along, and the whole notion of the posts we write, which tend to be a form of journaling, lends itself to expression through words, and then we find we kind of need that to work through things.
I started to write a novel recently...I'd been making all these false starts and finally got a start I'm happy with and have been working on it when I can. But you remind me of me, Tad, when you say you don't care if it makes you money or anything, you just wanted to put it out there. I agree. The benefit is more from the act of "doing" and being able to reflect back and say "this is mine; I created it", than any monetary reward. But with that said, an occasional royalty check is a nice pick-me-up!
Again, looking forward to it and proud of you. I think the more you focus on things like this, the more you will gain self-confidence and self-esteem.
I am definitely interested in learning more from the aspiring writers!! Let me know your titles and I will buy your books pronto
Writing a book is something H has been nagging me about for a long time and I am giving it some attention as a 180.
Congrats to Tad and Antonia for their endeavors!
Hi Folks, if you are interested in what things/life was like in the 1930's till the 80's in the Midlands UK.
I could recomend 2 books. These 2 books are about the author's family life has a Blacksmith.
So if your're interested I could give you details. He started writing after he had recovered from an heart attack.
Love
Delboy
Yes I am interested.
Bring on the details!
Author: Alf Strange
Title: 'Me dad's the village blacksmith'
Title: 'Following me dad'
Best regards
Delboy
P.S there are quite a few secondhand copies about
My book's called Beyond His Dark Materials. It's literary criticism, so it's pricey--though as academic books go, it's on the lower end of the spectrum--but at some point there should be copies in college libraries. It's only been out since September so I'm not sure how many libraries have purchased it yet. There is a kindle version coming at some point.
Tad I was looking around amazon...is your book called "Blue"? If so I'm getting it asap!
Order placed!
Yes a little pricey for me right now. But I put you on my wish list.
Sorry couldn't purchase just yet.
I do have the golden compass around here somewhere so I'll dig it up and read it in your honor...
Oh how nice to hear you have The Golden Compass! It's one of my favorite books, of course. Have fun reading it and thanks for sticking me on your wish list :-)
How do you go about getting a book on Kinde? Does it cost an arm and a leg?
Hi there. It doesn't cost a thing. They just take a cut out of your sale.
I'm very proud of you! Congratulations! Can you provide us with the name of the book? I'm reading Antonia's book now.
Thanks Snodderly. It is called "Blue." I don't really want to post my name here, but if you are on Amazon, you can do a search. My initials are D.E.M. I know we are not supposed to post links, but there are a few on here that know how to get in touch with me on the alt.
Tad I was looking around amazon...is your book called "Blue"? If so I'm getting it asap!
Yes, but please please PLEASE understand that I am a newbie. I'm not the best writer and it has a few Stephen King-ish parts to it.
The funny thing is, I started writing this months before the crap with X began and had it almost finished. I had it all done except for the last two chapters. I knew how it would end, I just didn't have it written. When X started her "journey", I put it down. I finished it recently and read it. I couldn't believe how much I had in common with one of the main characters in the story. Kind of creepy.
I would have never even started it except for the fact that X kept encouraging me to write a book when I lost my radio job the first time.
Again, please go easy. I do not consider myself a writer.
Tad
Hmm.. I was looking too and having a hard time finding it. Got an ISBN number?
Congrats on getting it done!
Heard any good music lately? Been into the blues lately (BB, etc.) Good stuff!
Had a friend the other day that was telling me about a Come Together version by Michael Jackson. Actually pretty good.
AJ
Tad.
Found and purchased.
Am in the middle of a novel but will start yours next.
Looking forward to it!
AJ, haven't listened to much music lately. Here and there, but not much. You can find a link to it on my FB page. Hope you are well....
Found and ordered. I can't wait to read it!
Found it. Thanks dude!
I am well, thanks. Family is another matter, but we'll weather it
Hope you're getting a good break after writing that.
Peace,
AJ
Wait. Your sons illustrated the book? How cool is that??!?
AJ
Thanks buddy. There are no illustrations in the book, but my sons did design the cover.
Had a slip with X earlier.
She sent a text to S17 and me complaining about his grades and of course proceeded to dig me. I sent her a text back telling her that she didn't need to send me texts if she was going to continue to dig at me. She said that she wasn't and I just told her to have a good night. She continued it and I told her to have a goodnight again. I think she got the message.
Tad
Tad
So, my book has sold a few copies. I'm not extremely happy with it, but I will be revising it and fixing some typos. I just wanted to basically get it out there.
I've decided to write another book. What will it be about? MLC. I've got a lot written already....
Nothing much going on with me. I'm getting close to being done though.
I'm tired of hanging....
I'm glad you told your wife to back off. She'll try again, but ignore her the next time.
I think you should write a book about mlc...from the husband's perspective. It would be a best seller in today's world.
Tad, live your life to the fullest and don't allow one minute to pass you by.
Thank you Snodderly. I'm trying my best to move on. The holidays are still pretty rough, but you know what? They are not as bad as they were last year.
I think you should write a book about mlc...from the husband's perspective. It would be a best seller in today's world.
I did!
It is available on Kindle and paperback as well as the other one. Guess what? I've received A LOT of great response from it!
Take care and happy holidays.
Tad
Hey Tad, just wanted you to know I bought your book a few days after it came out--but since I'm on deadlines with some things I'm writing I haven't had a chance to read anything! I'm looking forward to it, though. I've been starting to get the itch to write fiction myself and I feel like everything I read just help refine or build skills of storytelling! Anyway again I'm glad you pursued this and if it made you feel good to put it out there (or even the act of writing it) and you have more stories to tell, keep writing!
Thanks Antonia. Like I said, it isn't great, but I wanted to accomplish something like you suggested. Of course, I noticed a few typos once it was published, but oh well.
I've written a second little book about my experience with MLC. It is up for sale along with my first one. I put my email address in the back of the book and have received a lot of great emails about it. It is sad the amount of people going through this mess.
I'm also writing a part two to go with the first one and have started another one as well. (Two in the works!)
As for my sitch, I don't talk to ex. She is going through with her plans to marry her douchebag.
I'm doing pretty well emotionally, but my finances are killing me. I'm not getting very many hours at the new job. I may have to start looking again....I'd like to be able to make a living from writing, but right now, that is just a big dream....
Tad
Hey Tad! I came across your book on Amazon! Kinda funny I was just sifting through MLC stuff and I was like " hmmm that person kinda sounds familiar!" I'll be downloading the Kindle version.
Good job.
BTW....that's me on your Fb friend request.
Happy Holidays.
Kimmerz.
KIMMERZ!!!
I'm glad that you told me that it was you on FB. Friend requested accepted!
Thanks for checking out my book. I'm running a sale on them this weekend only. (A little self-promotion without breaking the DB Forum rules.)
Hope you have a great holiday.
Tad
Hi Tad!!!
Sold!
You have a great Holiday too.
Kimmerz.
Let me know what you think....
Tad
X just sent S20 a text asking if he would spend Chistmas with her. He told her no. She said that she was sad because it would just be her, S26 and S18. (I assume OM is probably out of town.)Then she said "but this is my last Christmas before I'm married."
My question is: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
Tad,
She's trying to lay a guilt trip on your son. Getting married isn't a death sentence and she will still be around next year and I'm sure your sons will be too. Her comment is off the wall and you need to just let it go. You can't analyze her every word and move. LET IT GO!
Thank you Snodderly. I thought she was laying a guilt trip on him as well. You're right, I do need to stop tyrying to figure things out.
I had a rough day yesterday. I went to the mall with S20 and his GF. Seeing all of the happy families brought back a lot of memories and just reminded me of everything that X has given up. She has changed her life completely. The only thing that remains is a shell.
I'm not sure, but I think I've been feeling a little anger creep in these past few days....
Tad
Ug.....and to top it all off, X just dropped off a couple of hundred dollars worth of Christmas presents for our boys. This was the same woman who told me a few weeks ago that her rent added up to 40 dollars more a month than what she was bringing home.
I feel like sh!t. Know what I got our sons for Christmas?
ZERO.
We didn't even have a tree.
Ug.....and to top it all off, X just dropped off a couple of hundred dollars worth of Christmas presents for our boys. This was the same woman who told me a few weeks ago that her rent added up to 40 dollars more a month than what she was bringing home.
I feel like sh!t. Know what I got our sons for Christmas?
ZERO.
We didn't even have a tree.
TAD,
you made this about you. But think hard...would you REALLY have preferred she not give them anything? If so, what does that mean?
Just b/c you didn't manage to give them anything, isn't it better that she did?
Aren't you at least a little happy for them? I am.
Of course you feel some anger creeping in. It's the holidays, right?
I'm sure, as 25 pointed out, that you probably are at least a little bit happy that your kids have presents, even if from somebody you didn't know. Right?
And c'mon Snodderly, who says marriage isn't a death sentence
Seriously, I get feeling a bit down and some anger this time of year. Go figure right? But let it go. It'll pass shortly, Tad. Much faster than in the past. You are headed for a place where you could care less. But you wouldn't put the effort into caring less. You'll just let it be.
As for your ex. Let her go, Tad. There is nothing there that you would recognize. Nothing that would make you happy. She has a pulse. Leave it at that. If she can be happy, then let that go too. If she can't, let that go as well.
Go live your life. Your boys got a great gift this Christmas. They got to know their father cares for them beyond anything material.
AJ
Your kids are old enough to recognize a snow job when they see one. What did YOU do to make Christmas memorable? You don't need a tree, you don't need gifts. In fact you could have done things that don't require a single dime. You could have taken them all hiking for a family get together. Maybe a Christmas picnic with simple sandwiches. You could have taken pictures of everyone and printed them for 30 cents each at Walgreens. Whatever.
YOU have the power to make it great and memorable.
Tad,
Christmas is not all about gift giving. It is about being w/and enjoying family. It's about reconnecting w/those you haven't heard from in the last year or even longer. It's the quality time that you spend w/your sons. I'm sure your sons have a very good idea of what is going on and understand that money is tight and you are doing the best you can.
As Mr. Bond pointed out, your sons are old enough to know a snow job when they see one. Mr. Bond also gave you some very good ideas that you and your sons could do over the holidays w/o spending a cent.
Tad, what are you and your sons going to do this weekend or even to go a bit further...for New Years Eve/Day?
Tad,
I agree that you did make this about you. You are the one who let your ex steal the joy out of the season for you. So, you couldn't afford to get your kids any material things, well they are old enough to understand that you provide a roof over their heads, food in their bellies and someone that is consistently there for them. I'm sure it means the world to them.
As far as gifts go, since you're a writer you could have put pen to paper and written to each son about how special they are to you and how proud you are of them, and blessed to be their Dad. Words from the heart cost nothing, but are priceless...
You are all right. I did make it about me and I did feel like sh!t, but I am glad that they atleast got something.
New Year's Eve was a little rough. It always is because it was December 31, 1984 that I knew that I loved her. It seemed to bother me a little more this year.
X brought S18 home tonight. On the way she stopped at McDonald's and got him something and something for S20 and S22. She also bought a burger and fries for ME.
I guess I'll never understand any of this.
Tad
You are all right. I did make it about me and I did feel like sh!t, but I am glad that they atleast got something.
New Year's Eve was a little rough. It always is because it was December 31, 1984 that I knew that I loved her.
THEN change how you see that day/evening!
Are you telling us you never ever celebrated it? So the ONLY memory you have for New Year's Eve is all about how you felt for her, back then??
Come on Tad....stop wallowing.
Create a new memory if you have to===and we all have.
Put a new 'groove' into your memory lane so you can stop ONLY thinking about her. This is wacky. And I've run out of metaphors for you Tad...
It seemed to bother me a little more this year.
X brought S18 home tonight. On the way she stopped at McDonald's and got him something and something for S20 and S22. She also bought a burger and fries for ME.
TAD Tad, Tad, Tad
Okay, this is not confusing. And when you look at it with even just a touch of detachment, you'll see why.
it would have been overtly rude for her to buy food for ALL the family members except you.
No way would she make herself out to be that type of person, especially in front of the boys. (And honestly, who would be that rude at this stage of the game?)
IF she'd gotten everyone there something to eat, EXCEPT you, I'm positive that you'd be here saying what a crazy mean witch she is.
YET when she does the decent, thoughtful thing, she still can't win w/you,
b/c she's sending a 'crazy" mixed signal...which you say you will "never understand..." well, so what? You might not ever get it. Haven't you spent enough years now wondering and has it gotten you anywhere?
This is not an important eternal mystery or theological question for the ages...
She wants to be married to OM.
For some time now, that's been her decision, which is publicly known by all relevant parties...but she'd like to have a decent, at least civil r with you. You are the father of her sons AND you were together for decades.
This^^^ is NOT unusual.
IMO, having a civil r with you will make everyone's life easier... especially your son's lives....
no more "Storm cloud" of Tad-Dad, hovering and him feeling like crap, everytime their mother seems the least bit kind or happy...
If she ever wanted to come back to you, given what she knows of you, she'd be very clear. No mystery then, and none now.
My former bil wanted to do lunch with ME, his soon to be FORMER sil...b/c we "had been close". This was maybe 3 months after the bomb... He didn't see why I would not do that while my sister's heart was broken. (He and I may have been "close" -- but what we really had in common, was my sister.)
Let this/her go! I bet that phrase has been said to you a total of about maybe 10 times per week, so that = 70 x a week, x 4 for each week of the month, 280 times per month, = 3360 a year, for 2+ years now. That's us telling you almost 7000 times
to let it/her go. I still say it.
I guess I'll never understand any of this.
Tad
maybe you won't...and that won't kill you, Tad. What might waste more CHUNKS of your life
is still asking "WHY?????" It simply does not matter.
Hey Tad,
I think I can identify....
With XW doing nice things out of the blue, it causes insult to injury!
Hells bells I live with that from my XH all the time. It drives me bonkers.
I think you're still grieving over the loss of your marriage. She pans out more than a person that's truly grieving can handle. Also like she's died, but consistently haunting you. Believe me I totally understand.
Tad, I know you want to move on from this perpetual hell you're in over this situation. Have you really thought about what YOU NEED in order to heal?
Think about it. You're injured and trying to heal, yet your wounds keep getting poked. What do you need in order to heal, and what do you think you can do for yourself to help you heal?
Work on that self esteem guy! Your head and heart aren't in the right place. Your heart and head need to realize that you are so much better than this, and that you don't need any of the B.S. anymore.
Hi Tad, I was 14 years old when this was released, It meant a lot to me then and still does, imo it’s by far the best song by Ringo Starr. Check it out
Love
Delboy
Lyrics by: Ringo Starr & George Harrison, 1973
‘Photograph’
Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore
I thought I'd make it, the day you went away
But I can't make it, 'til you come home again to stay-ay-ay
I can't get used to living here
While my heart is broke, my tears I cry for you
I want you here to have and hold
As the years go by and we grow old and grey
Now you're expecting me to live without you
But that's not something, that I'm looking forward to-oo-oo
I can't get used to living here
While my heart is broke, my tears I cry for you
I want you here to have and hold
As the years go by and we grow old and grey
Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore
Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore
Every time I see your face
It reminds me of the places we used to go
But all I've got is a photograph
And I realize you're not coming back anymore
What might waste more CHUNKS of your life
is still asking "WHY?????" It simply does not matter.
'Nuff said up there ^^
Hi Tad, just my reply to Kimmerz's quote:
'Also like she's died, 'but consistently haunting you'.
‘There’s A Ghost In My House’
First released in the mid 60’s and re-released in 1974 in the UK
Written by: Holland/Dozier/Holland/ R Dean Taylor
Artist: R Dean Taylor
There's a ghost in my house
The ghost of your memories
The ghost of the love you took from me
Where our love used to be
Only shadows from the past I see
Time can't seem to erase
The vision of your smiling face
Though you found someone new
I can't get over you
There's a ghost in my house
And I can't hide (there's a ghost in my house)
From the ghost of your love that's inside (there’s a ghost in my house)
It keeps on haunting me (there’s a ghost in my house)
Just keeps on reminding me (there’s a ghost in my house)
In my mind I know you're gone
But my heart keeps holding on
To the memories of those happy times
To the love that once was mine
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
There's a ghost in my house
I can't hide (there's a ghost in my house)
From the ghost of your love that's inside (there’s a ghost in my house)
You're still such a part of me (there’s a ghost in my house)
Still so deep in the heart of me (there’s a ghost in my house)
I just keep hearing your footsteps on the stairs
When I know there's no-one there
Every day I love you more
So much more than the day before
Sittin' in my easy chair
I feel your fingers running through my hair
Lookin' down in my coffee cup
I think I see your face lookin' up
All alone in my gloom
You voice echoes through the room
There's a ghost in my house
And I can't hide (there’s a ghost in my house)
From the ghost of your love that's inside (there’s a ghost in my house)
It keeps on haunting me (there a ghost in my house)
Just keeps on reminding me (there’s a ghost in my house)
I just keep hearing your footsteps on the stairs
When I know there's no-one there
You're still such a part of me (there’s a ghost in my house)
Still so deep in the heart of me (there’s a ghost in my house)
I can't hide (there’s a ghost in my house)
From the ghost of your love that's inside (there’s a ghost in my house)
Every day I love you more
Oh I do like my music, Love Delboy
I agree that spending forever thinking about "why" gets you stuck. The thing is that I really feel like I've come to terms with "why" in my situation and it has been the thing that has pushed me really far forward.
For me, I believe that my XH "left" the marriage long before he even met OW. So OW's part in this is totally negligible. We all know the affair is the symptom of a larger problem in the marriage or in the X or in some combo of the two.
So going back further, just to why did the MLC happen, why did my partner leave the marriage, etc., I think the answer is simple. He wasn't happy. There are a million reasons why this could happen for anyone unique to anyone's situation, but he wasn't happy. He pretended he was for awhile, and the pretense got to be such an effort that eventually he felt trapped. When he felt trapped and unhappy, unlike me, who would probably try like crazy to fix things, he ran from his problems. Would he have tried to fix things earlier in life? Sure. But people change. For whatever reason, he decided to cut and run. And then because he was hurting, he found OW, and he got sucked into her life. And I think he's made the best of it, and I think he's still not happy, but he's putting on a brave and fake face.
I have come to understand why my XH wasn't happy with both himself and the marriage, and I completely understand my own role in why our relationship became stuck or problematic, and I ignored those problems. I can look back now and see evidence of when I was not a good partner or when I wasn't empathetic or understanding of him or his needs. This doesn't give him a pass, but I know I am a better person now than I was, and so I understand why I was a part of the conditions that existed prior to his MLC.
And this is all I need to know to understand "why." I get why my XH had his MLC or is still having it. I get why we thought we were the perfect couple but really we were codependent and arrogant. This MLC was a blessing because it taught me where I was failing myself as a person, where I needed to grow.
I think in your case Tad you're still not able to see that you may have had areas in which you needed to grow. By holding on to this idea that you had this perfect woman in this perfect life and perfect marriage one day and then suddenly not, I think you may be looking at your past with too much nostalgia. I'm not saying "rewrite history" at all, but I'm saying that a counselor once pointed this out to me, that sometimes we look at our pasts so nostalgically that we can't see ANY flaws in it, but the flaws were there on some level, however small.
If you start to look at your past as having been "real" and not "perfect", you can see that you and your XW may have had problems as a couple or even individual problems. The reason you want to look for this is because you need to take her MLC and find a reason for it to be GOOD. You need to find the places you need to grow. Like the MLC was a wake-up call.
Self-esteem for you has come up a lot. So ok, her MLC exists to teach you that you shouldn't go through the rest of your life with her or anyone else having low self-esteem. So can you think of times your low self-esteem was a problem during the marriage? I suspect you had to be patted on the back a lot from her to feel good about yourself, and that's why now that she does NOT pat you on the back you're so destroyed (I say this as this was the same for me). So number one goal, you have to learn to find self-esteem all on your own and not rely on her or anyone else to give you pats on the back.
That's one thing. I'm sure there are other growth areas.
If you identify the areas you need to grow in, and look at her MLC as being the vehicle to your own journey, you will start to see the "why" of things. This happened to HELP you. YES it hurts. But you can't grow without growing pains. You will also start to see her as less of an antagonist and more of a misguided scared person who just acted the only way she knew how to or knows how to. And only then can you start to look at her with a loving detachment.
Antonia, what a wonderfully written, well thought out post. You are spot on. Thank you for that.
Wow, Antonia. That pretty much sums it up. Thanks.
Heather
Thank you all. Antonia, that was wonderful.
I am doing better emotionally....not so much financially.
I've decided to start a new thread just because this one is getting full. There really isn't much going on with me these days.
My new thread is here:
Into The SunsetTad