Husbands personality changed the last a couple of years. Several things have happened...
Oldest son graduated college
Mother came down with breast cancer
Became part owner of a company
Chronic issues with business partners
Oldest son in boating accident with my husband broke back (he is fine) and in grad school in another state..
Youngest son getting ready to graduate college and move for grad school
Turned 50
He has been very quiet around other people but still talked and did stuff with me, for the last two years.
1/12 Big argument and I told him if you are that unhappy the leave...DID NOT MEAN IT
AT ALL! Felt backed into a corner and it just came out.
3/12 major issues at work came very upset felt like he was having a mental breakdown.
4/12 under a lot of stress with everything. Tells me he has been chronically nauseated for the past year and no sleep.
5/12 oldest son graduates college no happiness. It made him worse to me.
Begged him to seek help. Would not go.
Starts hinting that it is not his past or work, but everything is bothering him. He doesn't care about anything or anyone. (ouch)
7/12 oldest moves 20hours away
Still pleading with him to go talk to someone.
8/12 after seeing a counselor who allows him to share his feelings, and then asks how does this make you feel.....and that's it.....asks him if we have ever thought about separation... He comes home tells me about it...the tears start...(granted I was leaving to go home for my 50th birthday party with friends) so out of pure emotional response I leave a month earlier.
9/12 counselor tells him he is depressed and the marriage is causing his depression. WOW!
He tells me he is unhappy, he loves me but isn't in love with me. After which I made a fool of myself begging, pleading, crying on the phone.
10/12 told him I can't have those type phone calls anymore where I act like that. So we took break from calling.
Was in the ER for kidney stones this last week. And he showed concern.
When we talk on the phone he is greeted by nothing but positive emotions. I told him I was excited to come home which met with silence tonight. And then he told me he was going to start taking flying lessons.
There has been no intimacy because he can't. Because of the stress, depression so the doctor told him. I have listened hard and well with his concerns and issues. I have made many mistakes. Intimacy being the biggest. His emotional disconnect. Which goes hand in hand. I told him I was going to fight for this marriage. I love him. Always have. Just got overly settled thinking that things would get better.
Any advice, please...I go home this Sunday, and I am scared.
Welcome to this board.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my
ultra brand new and improved list of link
I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely
Knowledge is Power.
Thank you so much. When you say I am in moderation what does that mean, exactly. I will read through the above links and will do my homework. Thank you again.
Moderation means your posts won't post instantly, they will be viewed by a moderator then posted. So don't get frustrated if you don't see your posts. Keep posting and read as much as you can on here. It will open your eyes!
I'm sorry to hear you are having trouble. Read the Divorce Remedy book as soon as you can. For sure read the chapter that is online here under Mid-Life Crisis.
The main thing to learn is to seriously not beg and plead. And Sandi2's 37 rules. Which you commented on, so you read them. Print out a copy and put it close at hand. Read it everytime you wonder if what you are saying or doing is what is best.
Hang in there and take care of yourself.
Aloha,
Wendy
Sorry you find yourself here -- I agree with the 37 rules I also like the Recipe for Success - remember do not try to control or manipulate your spouse - this will send them running -- believe me I know --- also be STRONG CONFIDENT and UPBEAT --
Good Luck
Sunny
Felt real good yesterday, even strong. Today not so much. Emotions creeping up. I guess because I turned my phone off last night he tried calling twice and then twice this morning. Finally talked to him, didn't offer much info on eating out last night with friends. Even though he asked. Now feel terrible. Was he really trying to reach out, and showing concern? Or what? I feel like an ass. Just so confusing. And I ended the phone call before he could. We talked maybe 3 minutes. Haven't seen him in two months and I fly home Sunday. I am so nervous.
As of now no plans, on what to do next....I am in this for the long haul. I am changing me. I am not waiting on h to fulfill my life. We have distanced ourselves from friends because of him. I didn't want to go out without him. No longer am I doing this. If he wants to stay home that is fine. Damn! I hate this.
Felt real good yesterday, even strong. Today not so much. Emotions creeping up. I guess because I turned my phone off last night he tried calling twice and then twice this morning. Finally talked to him, didn't offer much info on eating out last night with friends. Even though he asked. Now feel terrible. Was he really trying to reach out, and showing concern? Or what? I feel like an ass. Just so confusing. And I ended the phone call before he could. We talked maybe 3 minutes. Haven't seen him in two months and I fly home Sunday. I am so nervous.
As of now no plans, on what to do next....I am in this for the long haul. I am changing me. I am not waiting on h to fulfill my life. We have distanced ourselves from friends because of him. I didn't want to go out without him. No longer am I doing this. If he wants to stay home that is fine. Damn! I hate this.
Calling to contact you 4 times he may be panicing a little the worst thing you could do now is be needy or wanting for him - be friendly but detached - like " whats up " and select little
short phrases like did you need something -- treat him like an aquaintence at work.
Stop worrying about him ( I know I have a hard time with this )
Find something you want to do for you and do it - work on you and detach from him
Keep reading here - Recipe For Success thread is amazing. So is Bowtechs thread
Good Luck
I think you did great by not staying on the phone long and not sharing every detail. If you can not talk about the relationship when you do get there, you will be miles ahead. And when he brings up the relanionship, and he will eventually, validate his feelings. Even though you may want to argue and blame. The first time you are able to do that you will feel so darn amazing. Don't give him any conflict with you. Let him get in his own head and sort himself out.
Mean while, you are sorting yourself out. I'm sure others on here will come along and ask you some questions.
Have a nice day. Breath!
Stay focused. Don't beg. Don't plead. Up beat, happy. Sunday is going to be a challenge.
Stay focused. Don't beg. Don't plead. Up beat, happy. Sunday is going to be a challenge.
You're gonna do great - I know it !!!
Thanks. Butterflies. Anticipation. Nerves.
thinks he is not my husband right now he is a business partner -- detach - enjoy - WHO YOU ARE - it will come to you slowly - I will pray for you today with my aunt and uncle may God give you the wisdom you need
Hang in there
Sunny
Thank you so much. I am a bundle of nerves and my stomach is doing flip flops. Great and now the tears...ugh!
Your situation would give anyone nerves! Hang in there, do you do yoga? That helps me. You will get through this.
Keep posting and venting. This is a great place to say things you might not want to say to him.
Aloha,
Wendy
Well God has a way of taking care of situations. Took my dog to delta cargo this morning and realized that my DL was gone. That took my mind off of all the stuff I was obsessing about. After a call to delta, and TSA I will be making my flight.
My mind is so frazzled. He is teaching me to breathe, slow down and let Him guide me.
And some one out there if you find my DL just tear it up. Ok, thanks!
I have raised two great young men. One a senior in college the other his first year of law school. I am normally not this way.
At the airport ready to fly home. Nervous wreck. I hope they have air sickness bags on board. Really need prayer. Very scared, and extremely nervous. Did I say extremely?
praying for you, Sharebear!
Yoga breath. Deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth like you are blowing up a balloon. Do this 3-10 times.
If that doesn't work splash cold water in your face. Then put on a smile and tell yourself you are a princess and don't let anything bug you!
Thinking positive thoughts for you!
Thanks. Keeping it light and real.ok not so much but very light with a smile.
In the last week I have had two ER visits with kidney stones and a four flight of ovary cramping....is this normal? Or just bad timing? Geesh!
Need some help husbands birthday is this week. Don't know if I should bring out the big guns or keep it simple. Hmmmm.I really realize my short comings throughout this marriage. I told him I get where you are coming from. I understand now. We both are players in this shakespere play. A comic tragedy, romance, and suffering. Thanks for all of your prayers keep sending them my way.
I would keep the birthday well wishes very, very simple.
I'm very sorry to see you've had several visits to the ER. Stress plays a big role in our lives, especially during this time. Slow down, take a deep breath and pray.
Came home to a big, mine to him. But at least he hugged me. Did not bring up the relationship at all. He is very quiet. I feel like I interrupted his peace, now that I am back. Do I let him lead conversations? Sit there and be just as quiet? Or what?
That would ge a hug... Sorry brain insets words I miss.
I would let him talk when he is ready. Everytime I have forced a conversation I haven't liked where it went.
Sharebear,
I'm sorry you're here but it sounds like you are ready and willing to learn and grow from this. The best thing you can do is to do your best to NOT be around if all that's going to happen is sitting around and staring at each other. Now is the time to develop new hobbies, learn about geocaching, start an exercise routine, join a club etc. It sounds like your H is content to sit around and revel in his misery. He's welcome to do that. YOU need to be better than that. This is where the "focusing on yourself" comes in. All your questions are focused on what you need to do in relation to your H. And while I realize you still need to talk, you've already been given great advice. Keep it simple. Answer questions when asked, but answer vaguely. THEN go off and do your own thing. It seems counter-intuitive to NOT be around when you're hoping to fix a relationship. But you can't fix anything until H is ready. He will tell you when that is. Until then, do NOT discuss it and LIVE!
If you want some insight into the mind of an MLCer, feel free to go back on some of my threads. My H's journey is still ongoing but he's definitely out of the fog and has made a lot of statements that completely back up the advice you'll get on these boards. It's a hard road and there are no guarantees other than the fact that if you work on yourself, you'll end up a better person in the end.
Thanks so much for the great advice. I had been gone for two months on vacation/sep and I came home yesterday. As a side note, while I was out there I had two ER visits for kidney stones. And now I have been admitted to the hospital. Having the stone removed tomorrow. And if life just doesn't get better and better they found a mass. What I dont know. Find that tomorrow as well. ain't life grand? Keep me in your prayers.
i text him early on in the day..."busy"....he text back in a sales meeting....i did not respond back. He is under so much stress. He called three hours later and asked if i got my car tag done and i said no. Then asked where i was...told him i was in the hospital....silence....he asked what was going on.....told him.....he said he was shutting the computer down and would come over. He gets here we small talk about what is going on....and then tells me i am being selfish for not telling him sooner.....I said text you earlier to talk, and you were busy. He said he feels like the bad person and then says " regardless of what happens he still cares about me " .....well thanks a whole lot I am thinking. stayed awhile then went home to let the dog out. Came back, which I honestly told him he didn't have to. And I really meant it. But he showed up anyways. Stayed for about an hour and left. He just called to make sure I got my medicine and to let me know our dog left him a surprise. I laughed. Asked if he ate....and told him to go to bed......
I'm so sorry your going through all of this. I hope everything turns out well for you.
Well home from the hospital. I made dinner. Chatted a litlle and ate in silence a little. No expecting anything else. How long does this last again? LOL
Haha joke on me. I ordered the DR book. Went to the post office and it wasn't there. Why? Because my husband had gone to post office earlier today. UGH! He didn't say anything, so I don't know if he opened the box or not.
He said divorce last night. He wants one. I said I would fight for this marriage. Talked again over the same issues he has about the mistakes over the past 26 years. Same argument Me wanting more time with him, he wanting more intimacy. Ten months since this started for coming to this conclusion. Me a month in a half. If I could take back every rebuff I would. If I could take back every threat I would. I would I would I would......
Just try to remember it for next time. It is harder than it looks. Read that book and figure out your 180's and do them!
I am only getting to check my internet stuff once a day, sorry I haven't been keeping up. Hang in there!
I'm thinking about you, Crying out loud. This is hard, but you can do it. Read here-- they rewrite history and just bring up your faults. Don't believe it. Everybody makes relationship mistakes.
Have you started the DR book?
He wants to put the house on the market as soon as possible. I don't want to. What do I say, that wont seem aggressive?
Just tell that you don't want to sell the house and that you're not going to make any decision until speaking with a L.
He's going to rant at you, but before he does, look at him in the eye and tell him that you have a right to not want to sell the house as much as he has a right to want to. And that you will not be talked to like that any longer. So him the strong side of you.
If the time comes and you need to sell the house, do it after the divorce, not before. If you can somehow manage to refinance and keep the home, then do it. Whatever you decide to do about the home...it can be stipulated in the divorce decree.
I agree w/Mr. Bond, he's going to be one furious man, but at this point, you need to advise him that you aren't going to be disrepected and until he can speak to you in a calmer tone, you will not discuss it w/him. He may not respect you right now, but he will later on if you stick to your boundaries.
Thanks. He hasn't yelled yet.
Well, he came home last night. He seemed very tense. Asked what was
wrong, he said he thought I was taking this all as joke. We talked for
two hours. I could not believe how calm I was. All the praying and
reading really helped.
He feels that we have been friends in the marriage but not Intimate
spouses. That he is very unhappy. That he doesn't want to live like
this. I told him we in a sense have wanted the same things for years.
Me a stronger emotional connection he an intimate one. The beginning of
the marriage I felt alone. After reading DR the intimacy chapter is us
to a T.
He told me he went and saw a lawyer yesterday. I just sat there and
listened. He said that there was great financial responsibility, to
make sure that I was taken care of. He told me he did not renew his
life insurance policy. Because he already had one with the company
because of being part owner.
He said he wanted to tell the boys(23,21) because he felt that he was
lying to them. And that was creating to much anxiety.
I spoke up then. I told him I did not want to put the house on the
market, that I want our son to enjoy his first year of law school which is
the hardest, and my other son to enjoy his senior year in college. And
also told him that meant spending the holidays in our home. He said
that they are grown men and they can handle it. I asked him not to say
anything.
He said he talked to a lawyer about things, and the lawyer asked if he
wanted to file and he said not yet. Don't know what that means.
He said the changes that I am doing in keeping the house and making
dinner and getting on with my life is not going to change things. I
reiterated that it was making me feel good. And I was doing it for myself.
Not for him. He said that he was glad I was making a change for myself.
I told him that he has been a perfectionist, do things at there best.
Which is on the things that I love about him.
My personality is that I am a flea. I hop around so much, I don't take
things slow. This is one of the areas that I am working on for me.
Stop, breathe, evaluate, and then move forward. When I tried to say
things and I couldn't get the right words out I stopped. I kept my mouth
shut. And I told him. That my talking out of desperation is what has
partially gotten us to this point. And that it is another thing that I was
changing.
He said he that my idle threats twice when we were real young about
leaving, and then telling him I want a divorce, and then saying if
you're that unhappy then leave have all attributed this. I explained
again that I said those out of desperation.
The last time was this past January. I had become complacent in the
marriage, lazy I admit this. He got upset he brought things out and I
went on the defensive. That is when I said what I did. That has been
the turning point for him. He said he has felt that he has tried for
years to make me happy, and he has. I have been his confidant, his
supporter, care taker, his soul mate. Except for the intimacy.
He feels that if he hadn't had this breakdown an it has been a true
breakdown we would still be living the life that we had. And he doesn't
know if he will be able to get over that. He feels that I am changing
because of that only. I had told him something my god mother told me.
Is that we have to find our own happiness. He felt that when I said
that it was an epiphany for him. He had to find his happiness and right
now it is not with me. He feels trapped because of the financial
obligation to me to stay here. He hates where we live and wants to
move. Something we have both felt. And have many talks about moving over the
years. I told him that I felt with the daily deluge of work issues and
him trying to be a pleaser, and never turning anyone down has also
attributed to this. He never has taking time for himself. Never without
the cell phone in hand. Which made me constantly saying something about that.
I told him that i was glad he has made that change. I admitted that I was wrong to
discourage him in the past about wanting to go golfing on Sunday's.
Because if he had stayed home all we would have done is watched tv. And
I realize the importance of down time. Golfing with friends is
different than golfing with clients. And instead of me mopping around
the house when he was gone I should have taken the opportunity to do
something for myself. Win/win situation. I also told him I had applied
for a job, and that I had also gone to check getting certified to be
able to work in hospice and elder care. He said good. Conversation
over, he made some tea, of course I asked if I could get it for him he
said no. We talked briefly some more. Showed him the program
description of the classes. Then he said he was going to bed. Slept ok,
until early morning stomach in knots again. Got out of bed, said good
morning to him. He was leaving for the gym and work. He also said until
he has researched the program more he didn't want me to enroll. He just
doesn't think that there is enough training in it for me to do what I want
to do. Oh well. He hasn't removed any of the financials or any other documents
that are here regarding the business. I feel that if I go see an attorney
this will prompt him to move forward. I AM FIGHTING HARD FOR THIS MARRIAGE
AND I AM NOT GIVING UP.
I urge you to seek legal counsel and not share what you have learned. Your h has already advised you that he has seen an attorney and knows what the bottom line will be when it comes to finances, etc. You can't rely on him to be honest w/you. Do the research so that you know what your rights are. If you don't want to do this, then google the law for your state. Knowledge is power.
Many of the comments that he has shared w/you are mlc lingo and come from the book of "script". Believe nothing he says and only half of what he does. I'm glad you advised him that you are doing certain things for you and that you feel better about it. Continue to make changes and they have to become permanent and they have to be for you, not him.
One thing, why does he have to research the training and determine whether it is enough for you? If this is a career field that you are interested in, you need to be the one to research it and make sure it is right for you. Your h, may appear to be helping you, but it comes across as controlling you and your future.
Keep your expectations at zero and do not rely on this man to help you when he really starts rolling down hill in mlc. As long as you are going along w/his program the way he wants, he will be nice. However, the minute you start to question his authority or knowledge, the monster will come home to roost.
Today is a new day...start your google searches and go from there.
Funny thing snod I did all the research for this. He even told me the other day that volunteering was good but that I really need to get trained. At a loss again.
I may be reading your thread wrong, but it sounds like he is trying to control and manipulate you by telling you he's going to research this program, re not enough training, etc. I would go w/my gut instinct and if you think it's something you want to try, go for it. Each of you may come away with a different perspective on the program...the questiion I have is this...who is planning to participate in the program...you or him?
This is your life and ultimate goal...
ME! When he told me about that he wanted to research this. I just kept quiet. I knew my time would come and it came tonight during dinner. I asked if he had a chance to research the school. He said he hadn't. Then I told him I had. Also told me each state is different with regards to the number of hours required. Calif. and TX requiring the most hours. I did my home work. I can get a job at the hospital, senior center, nursing home, hospice, home health. Doest pay much but it is something that really feel strong about. He was very silent when I got done. Then my neighbor who has her elderly mother called and I went over coffee and cake to visit.
I'm proud of you! You let him know that you had done the research and I'm sure he was surprised that you had. Now, go for what you want! You are doing this for YOU, not him! Do not allow him to discourage you from reaching your goal.
Thanks. I tell you guys have been a world of inspiration. This is not over yet.
In sickness and in health. I still love him. but I am not going to toyed with.