Here's crazytown part one......
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2220117&page=1The craziness continues.....
I'm having a VERY rough/emotional evening..... but I suppose I brought it on myself.... when will I ever learn..... To spare all the gory details, (sorry for it being so personal, again, but this is my life right now) I initiated something with H (which during this whole crisis he has been the one to)..... well.... I think my friend is right and there may be some performance issues.... cause I get lashed out at when things don't go the way they....uh... should.... so tonight he told me we shouldn't be doing anything, and he feels bad about it for days afterwards, he's just not into it anymore (which is funny cause the other night he kept saying how hot I am, also strange because the last time there was an issue in that area he used the same I'm not into it line, you'll have fun again someday, but not with me, I didn't respond and a few days later we were...uhh..."having fun" again). I told him I was sorry to hear that, and I didn't want him to feel bad, I thought we were just having fun. He said he didn't want me to get the wrong idea, I told him I don't have any expectations.
Later he came over to where I was on the computer and said he's already hurt me enough, he doesn't want to add to that and he shouldn't be initiating anything with me. I told him I'm a big girl. Then he said he didn't want to fight tonight but wanted to know if I had given anymore thought to our discussion from the other month. I told him I would prefer not to talk about it on a work night, he said ok and walked away. He came back a few seconds later and asked why I didn't want to have a discussion on a work night, I said because they are usually very emotional and we end up being up late and I would prefer to do that on a night where I don't have to go to work the next morning if that is ok with him. He said he understood.
This whole freaking thing just svcks (why is that censored??)!!! I know don't believe what they say, blah, blah, blah, no guarantees blah blah blah.... what exactly is the point of divorce busting with an MLCer when they are so hell bent on leaving?
I can not believe this is my life!!! I am so sorry for everyone who is going through this pain because it is the worst thing ever, and I would never wish it on anyone.... this is just so unbelievably fvcked up! It's amazing how selfish people can be.
I cannot win.... do something, say something, it's wrong... don't do something, don't say something,it's still wrong.... Now he wants to have another discussion..... that can never go well, he will throw a baby fit because I'm not going to give him what he wants..... I married a very stubborn man, I knew that, but this is ridiculous!!!! I mean really!! Face your issues already, stop the replay madness and deal!!! See that "I just don't feel an emotional connection anymore," is not a good reason to throw away all of those years! I'm not disposable, I'm a freaking person!!! And hello, Mr.I'm not depressed, depression can cause you not to feel emotionally connected.... just throwing that out there! But what do I know... Maybe it is all over.... maybe I'm the crazy one for ever having hope..... which I still do.... how dumb am I?? I just want this horrible nightmare to be over, I want the pain to stop, I want my H back, I want to be treated like a worthwhile human being and not the enemy, I want a fvcking hug..... is that too much to ask for?! I know 7 months, I should be somewhat adjusted to this, but today I'm not... sorry, I'm a train wreck... but that's ok because I am human. It just svcks that I can see what I did to contribute to some of this (and had to deal with my own depression) and now I may not even get the luxury of a chance to show my husband we can have an even better marriage than the good one we had before.... AHHHHH!!! I know I know, focus on me and get a life, I have been.... but night I'm not able to get back to my happy place.
Am I insane because I still don't want a divorce, because I still see how we could get through this disaster with a stronger marriage???
So much for the toothbrush (which, T, it was in the toothbrush holder last night, amazing I know, but was on the other side of the sink this morning.... he'll probably put it in his room now. lol) Just trying to lighten my crazy rant..... but if I don't vent here I don't know what I would do.
I'm just a scared, emotional train wreck tonight... like all things this too shall pass.... but for the moment it's a terrible, terrible place to be.... Waiter, check please!
Thanks to you all for letting me rant, as always I greatly appreciate it, and all of you!
Loved your rant. I have the same rant in my mind sometimes. Am I the crazy one for believing in us? We are not crazy, love is a choice. He is still at home that is a huge comfort.. Dont listen to what he says he is nuts.
H, sweetie, this is tough stuff. Really tough. And I know it feels like a lifetime already. But, you are still early into all this.
It aint for the faint of heart. I know it is a double edged sword having an MLCer still at home. I did it for almost a year.
And I have to tell you that it was easier when he left.
That said, these people are in a life crisis. And he is hell bent on leaving because of that.
He sees you as the reason for his unhappiness. And until he looks within, he will remain hell bent.
H, it is important that he feels that you hear him.
Now, enough about him. I feel that dbing is really a map for how to live our lives. It's about finding out who we are and becoming the best us we can be.
So, while I know it is difficult to do while he is still living with you, it really is imperative that you begin to live your life.
Put the focus on you. Let him blow in the wind right now.
He needs to walk his path, you need to let him.
He is a scrambled mess right now. And trying to make sense out of his words and actions will drive you crazy.
So, back on your path you go.
You can do this.
HRM-- To H, it works when he initiates, because HE is controlling the sitch at the time...when YOU express your wants, he isn't controlling it...hence, the "performance", or lack thereof. H can't control what he is thinking or feeling deep down inside, so he "lashes out" for any control he can take (my W is master at this).
GOOD for YOU for pushing off the "discussion" and not backing down, and for having a reason no male could really argue with...
You have pulled the male "compartmentalization of life" card on him...
I wonder if he wont forget about it come this weekend, mlc'ers memories are less than optimal, as we all know....
So he found you hott, did something about it, somehow put his toothbrush where it belonged and left "his room" door open, then realized that he wasn't supposed to find you hott, or put his toothbrush in the holder, etc and he saw these blades of grass rustling in his mind and has scampered off into the weeds again...
Feral cat stuff...
I feel for you, I really do know, it isn't easy having the person we want there, within touching distance, yet they have "forgotten" we exist, reject us and/or target the heavy artillery at us...
Am I insane because I still don't want a divorce, because I still see how we could get through this disaster with a stronger marriage???
Nope, it about guarantees you are completely sane...sorry...
I loved your rant and can identify with it soooo much!
Now back to work...on YOU.
T^2
BklynMom~ I'm glad you loved my rant, and glad I'm not the only one with those thoughts going through my head! I know love is a choice, but go figure MLCer's think it's some mushy feeling (gee teenager much!).... which is funny H was never all about feelings, but now this is how he
feels, and he can't help that, and he has to go with what he feels (since when??). A friend of mine keeps reminding me of the same thing.... don't listen to him he's crazy right now she says. LOL I guess I just need to keep that in the back of my mind at all times!
Brookie~Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! You are so right, this is tough stuff, and these past 7 months have felt like a lifetime! I wish he'd hop on board the clue train right out of crazytown! LOL But I see if that is to happen it will be a looong time cause dear one's got some issues..... deep repressed, what can I go buy so I don't have to face them issues!
T~ Someday I'll remember it's all about control with my teenager.... um...uh... I mean husband... yeah.... of course your W is master at lashing out as is my H, remember they are sharing a script.... both pro bathroom bolters! hahaha
I'm hoping he forgets, or if nothing else I'll come home late all weekend.... can't talk when he's asleep.... but I've noticed over these months how he forgets things, so I will use this to my advantage.
I'm pretty sure he'll at least be away at one match this weekend.....
*smacks forehead* Darn it! I keep forgetting approach feral cats with caution! *mental note feral cats like to come to YOU, do NOT approach.... I repeat do NOT approach without extreme caution!*
I'm glad everyone enjoyed my rant lol..... sorry that everyone can relate to it...... I do really appreciate all the support, tips and encouragement from everyone on here.
Oh and
snodderly~ I went out to water my garden the other day and the hose hangy thing broke off!! LOL So I'm going to invest in one that I can reel in!
I'm happy to report that today I can feel my joy starting to return a bit, I'm starting to get back to my happy place, despite this mess.... again, it helps so much being able to vent here and hearing from you all..... It also helped going to the gym and replaying Gone by Toby Mac about a half dozen times!
I highly recommend that song, I'm sure it's on youtube if anyone wants to hear it.... it really speaks to the situation!
Well H, I can tell you that living with somebody like that svcks hairy moose b***! I did it for over two years with her in the same house. After she said she wanted a divorce, she stayed in the same bed for three more months. Left when she didn't get her way. I know I could have kicked her out. I also knew she wouldn't stay for too much longer...
Hang in there. It's tough, but it's not the end unless and until you end it. That's just how it is.
Your happiness and sadness? Yours. You make that choice even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it. Even with him in the room.
AJ
P.S. want to make him think? You can't. But you can give him the room to do so. Don't have relationship conversations with him. Act as if you are happy and let him figure himself out. Regardless of how things end up, it won't be fast, but it sure will take longer if you are swaying in the breeze with him. Stay sane and do whatever it takes to do that short of inviting others into the marriage.
HRM -
Your H and mine sound like they are cut from the same cloth. I keep thinking perhaps mine isn't MLC but the more I notice the crazy antics from H and the more I read threads from the MLC forum the more similarities I see. My H is all about "feelings" and how he has "feelings" for me but not "romantic" feelings. He still thinks I am the most beautiful woman ever, the best mom ever, the best friend ever and the best homemaker ever but it's all about "feelings". Fourteen years of being best friend ever and boom he is sneaking around with another woman and it's over. My H, as well, says he is not crazy and is perfectly sane. Although everyone who sees him and talks to him (except for OW) wonders why he is acting like a crazy man.
We cannot let them have their cake and eat it too. They need to have reality smack them in the face. It is hard but we need to sit back and let nature take its course.
I can validate.
My Xh said very similar things, but not in an articulate way.
None of that makes a lick of sense to me either. To me if you're the best friend ever....isn't it the best thing ever to be married to your best friend ever? Gee, I thought so. yes I got the " it's not that I don't care, or that I never want to see or speak to you again. It's just I dont feel that way about you anymore. there is no reason to stay. That's not how a man should feel about his wife". A year prior I asked him what he thought a good marriage was based on. He couldn't give me an answer.
Have you gone to the MLC resources thread posted by Michelle. The first page there is a link that says " from a former MLCer" and it's says "Blake". He's an MLCer that posted some really good detail on his thought process and what influenced him to make the choices he did.
The main thing he said was the OW brought back the thrill of infatuation, of course which he was missing with W. This is an old posting, a few years, but heck MLC is the same no matter how long ago it started.
I agree. I feel the less cake eating, the faster life will bring on reality.
Hrm, I feel sorry for you and even worse for myself to hear you have been doing this for a year. I feel that many things my wife does follow the DR book to a tee. She is definitely a WAW, but I also feel she is having some sort of MLC at 34.
Having said that, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I am jealous that you are still in same home. My W made me leave last week. Even though it must be crazy to deal with this in the same home, I would do anything to have to deal with my issues with M in the same home.
I am hoping "time" will help solve the problems. As I see, you are from Pa as well. If spouse still wants D in Pa, it can take a minimum of two years for that to happen. Even though I feel that sometimes I would do this out of spite, I will not sign a paper confessing that I want my M to be over. There will have to be a higher power that tells me I have to do that.
None of that makes a lick of sense to me either. To me if you're the best friend ever....isn't it the best thing ever to be married to your best friend ever? Gee, I thought so. yes I got the " it's not that I don't care, or that I never want to see or speak to you again. It's just I dont feel that way about you anymore. there is no reason to stay. That's not how a man should feel about his wife".
OMG Kimmers these exact same words came out of H's mouth!!! We were over the moon about each other and then BAM!!! Nothing. Freight train to D'town. Express!!! For the longest time I thought I was the crazy one!!!
Nope, you're not crazy. Im beginning to think this is an epidemic or something. I don't know how they get this script in their heads but they sure do!
My Xh and I did have problems, which were the problems that every couple has when you have work, kids, financial troubles and are two ships passing in the night. XH is also a big conflict avoider which did nothing but create more conflict when he got to his boiling point. I really can't believe the change in him over the last several years.
I just don't get it. I get how couples get to the point of feeling the way they do, but what I dont get is why they don't want to work on the relationship and just want to throw it away.
AJM~ It svcks doesn't even begin to cover it! Wow two years!! I can't imagine.... almost 8 months feels like forever! Oh no worries, I have no intentions on having any R talks with him! I learned that not having those is waaay better! I'm getting my joy back slowly, and these last couple of months the anxiety has gone away, I just get super irritated sometimes still, but that will happen. He actually had a normal conversation with me this morning about putting the air conditioners in.... and then he felt the need to tell me about paying off the credit card (he said card, not cards, but there were 2) and he told me he borrowed money against his retirement (stupid for taxes, guess I'll be filing separate next year....) So strange he's talking to me like a person again....I also noticed he bought himself another gun.... ahhh the thrill of the replay purchase. lol
wishing, hoping~ It's funny how crazy people think they are perfectly ok! lol Agreed, they need to have reality smack them in the face.... hard..... and soon would be nice.... but hey, it happening at all would be good, I'm not greedy.
I'm not sure what he's like in front of the people in his life, like family and co-workers.... probably the grand faker, no need to be real with them... he can't fake it with me. He won't talk to anyone from my family, or friends he was friends with too.... so deep down he knows what he is doing is wrong, why else would he run when my dad pulls into the driveway and doesn't even get out of the vehicle.... and oh the joys of being so super hot, and funny and a great friend..... but not being wanted in "that" way anymore..... again... they are having a break from reality! For sure, because nothing else explains it. Sometimes I look at other people and am like, really, they are married? She's a total B.... or he's a jerk..... you know, extreme and real reasons to actually leave a marriage, not everything's great, but I don't feel an emotional connection so bye bye.....
Kimmerz~ I stand by my statement of they are all having a break from reality.... everyone I have talked to in Normalville says, yeah, why would you want to leave that? They have it made... what do they think is going to be better? My only response is exactly, that's what I want to know. Crazy just doesn't make sense.....I'll check out the Blake thing sometime soon, thanks for the info. Yeah, thrill of the other woman, that's funny.... do they not think about what's going to happen when that thrill inevitably wears off?
It's an epidemic indeed..... strange it's like that but no one really hears about it, or talks about it until their world is turned upside down by it.....
1702~ Well not a year until October, but what's a few months at this point. I'm not taking the jealousy thing the wrong way..... most of the time I am glad he is here, but sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if he wasn't and then I tell myself I shouldn't think things like that because I'm sure there are plenty of people who would like their MLCer to still be at home despite the craziness. But who knows, maybe I'm wrong, it could be fabulous with them out of the house.... I guess we all deal with the cards we are dealt.
I know this is hard, and it will be hard and hurt for a long time, I'm not going to lie, but there will be moments and days of happiness and joy through this. You really do need to listen to the people on here, they are good people and really know what they are talking about. Some stuff might seem a little crazy, but it does work.... back in October before I even new anything about midlife crisis I did all the wrong things and that made everything so much worse. Once I figured out the right things (don't be pulling out the wedding album, or forcing them to remember such and such a time cause I can guarantee you won't like the response you get, trust me been there done that, lesson learned). You really do need to back off of her. I was reading your posts and I know you are hurting, I know how much pain there is in all this, hell I even understand the family and wanting children thing. I've always wanted to be a mother, and before bomb drop we were trying to start a family, but I have PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome) and it can mess with fertility, and well it's messed with mine. We had been at the beginning of all the super,fun, expensive, painful (for me) testing and 2 weeks before my next appointment enter speech (which was only a few weeks after he didn't get a job he had his heart set on, and told me he didn't know what he would do if he didn't get it). So trust me when I say I understand the pain of coming to terms with the having children thing.... but you can't think about that right now. The time may come when you have to mourn that, but you don't have to do that right now. I know that is going to be something extremely painful for me to mourn, and I'm not ready for it, so I'm not going to think about it, I'm going to continue to go about my life doing what I want, being nice to H and letting him work through his crazy. Yeah there will be days I'm a crying mess, but that's the beauty of venting here, and with friends, it gives you the ability to pick yourself back up and go to your happy place, or at the very least fake it till you make it around your W.
Now, legally speaking, you said W made you leave... is the house in both your names? If it is she can't make you leave.... marital property. As for the divorce papers, she can't make you sign, and if you don't want to, then don't. I know if H showed up with papers I would be like that's nice, have fun being married for 2 more years, because I wouldn't sign them. I believe in our marriage, and I took my vows seriously, I don't want a divorce and I'm not going to be bullied into something I don't want to do. Like you I want to be able to say to myself I did everything I could do to save our marriage so I can sleep at night. I realize he may take up permanent residence in Crazytown, but at least I will know I did everything I could. 1702 I know this is a lot of information, but I hope this helps. I think you need to start by taking a deep cleansing breath.... and remember as bad as it is, it could always be worse.....
do they not think about what's going to happen when that thrill inevitably wears off?
NO...they don't...it's not going to wear off, ever...or so they think...it's the LBS that is the problem...
I have watched W go through two or three "soulmates" not working out as intended...good thing keyboards and phones are inexpensive...
T^2
In the case of my H he avoids his family, wants nothing to do with friends, doesn't even enjoy the same activities anymore unless OW is in the picture. I just dont get it. H even touches me every morning before he leaves for work. I don't know why but be does it like clockwork. My DB coach says it is because he is still emotionally connected to me but doesn't want to admit it. My counselor says he is running and that nothing eases emotional pain like a new relationship. He said it is better than cocaine or heroin. Scary stuff. Kind of depressing to know what we are dealing with is that addicting.
That's not how a man should feel about his wife".
OMG Kimmers these exact same words came out of H's mouth!!!
Yup... I too got the "You are a great guy. I just don't feel for you the way a wife should love her husband."
uh...
I never knew there was a certain way that one should feel for their spouse... anyone have that memorandum?
wishing, hoping~ I don't buy the no emotional connection thing either, mainly because it makes no sense, I think it's what they need to tell themselves to make it ok in their heads to runaway. My counselor thinks my H has depression and feels like a failure I agree with him. During BD he told me he didn't know if he even enjoyed his favorite activities anymore, but it seems that he does, that's really all he's been doing is shooting.... that and going to the gym and watching a LOT of tv. There are the occasional times I have no idea where he is or what he might be doing, but luckily they are rare, unless of course he's skipping out of work. Having been depressed myself, I see how one doesn't really realize that is what is going on while in the middle of it, but if he would just entertain the idea of getting help, it's amazing how much better one can feel.
Kaffe Diem~ Nope, I looked it's no where in the vows..... of course under "for worse" there isn't an outline of what that could possibly be either.....
Alright, it's off to work for me Happy Friday all!!!
[/b]wishing, hoping: [b]Ok wow...now my XH said the same thing upon BD and departure. " nothing makes me happy anymore. Gaming doesn't even make my happy anymore. The only thing I do like is being with the kids. I have to go find my happy". Then of course I was blamed for all his unhappiness in scathing emails after he left. History was revised and issues that happened 15 years ago were as if they had happened yesterday with him. Totally bizarre. Now within 2 weeks of getting his own apartment he then acted as if he was higher than a kite....it was like a manic phase. He obsessively text everyone, including me. Lost alot of weigh and started drinking and taking sleeping pills. He started having nightmares, even text me after a bad dream once. He appeared very miserable for almost 2 months, up until OW stepped into the picture. Then stepped in the infatuated high and trying to be profusely nice to me. I've read that depression in males can manifest as anger, resentment, feeling entitled, and acting arrogant for starters.
[/b]
Kaffe:[b] No.... I don't remember getting that memorandum. Just how are we supposed to feel about our spouses anyway? Im getting the idea that in their minds that if things have become routine, and the spark has died down, that it's more trouble to make an effort to re-ignite it. Hmmmmm....interesting logic. Lost the spark, feeling dull, so lets move out, disrupt our childrens lives, devastate our spouses, spend huge amounts of money on moving and having fun...oh and lets hire an attorney! Lets battle it out with our spouses, and re-ignite all the anger and resentment instead! Sparks are definately flying now, but they sure aren't out of love and passion.
OR....be honest, get some books, find a good marriage counselor, and take some time to be together.
My aunt feels that the happy my XH seemed to have after leaving is a sense of empowerment. Maybe this is what goes on with the WAS's when they turn around and start being nice and doing all these things after they leave or start in with OP in the same house. A sense of empowerment.
sorry about my bold print...didn't come out like I wanted it to.
[/b]wishing, hoping: [b]He appeared very miserable for almost 2 months, up until OW stepped into the picture. Then stepped in the infatuated high and trying to be profusely nice to me. I've read that depression in males can manifest as anger, resentment, feeling entitled, and acting arrogant for starters.
Then H is definitely depressed. He is angry, resentful, entitled AND arrogant. And when he is with OW he is on a "high". Just like a junkie who has had their latest "fix". He is pushing this OW on my kids (which I am trying to put a stop to) and on some members of his family (which they are not happy about). He says he is just trying to "move on with his life" but at the expense of everyone else. Often I think maybe he does love her. Maybe they are perfect for each other. But then I think how can they know that when they only see each other on the weekends?
I don't buy the no emotional connection thing either, mainly because it makes no sense, I think it's what they need to tell themselves to make it ok in their heads to runaway. My counselor thinks my H has depression and feels like a failure I agree with him. During BD he told me he didn't know if he even enjoyed his favorite activities anymore, but it seems that he does, that's really all he's been doing is shooting.... that and going to the gym and watching a LOT of tv. There are the occasional times I have no idea where he is or what he might be doing, but luckily they are rare, unless of course he's skipping out of work. Having been depressed myself, I see how one doesn't really realize that is what is going on while in the middle of it, but if he would just entertain the idea of getting help, it's amazing how much better one can feel.
My counselor says H is running away as well. H tells everyone that he is fine. He doesn't need help. But whenever he is around us at home if he isn't busy talking to OW or mowing the yard he is playing "Cityville" or some other game on the company iPad. Escaping. That's what he does best anymore.
Wow...alot more similarities. Xh tried pusing the OW on the kids...big crash and burn with them. Since then the OW stays her distance and doesn't get involved when XH has them over to his house. XH also pushed OW on family members. They weren't receptive to it, but appeared to have no choice but put up with it since he brought her into the family. MIL....doesn't like her and still keep the picture of me and XH up on her bookcase...even on Christmas Day when he took OW over there. LOL!
Im glad to hear that couselors are saying all this happy go lucky behavior is really running strategies. The book Irritable Male Syndrome is excellent in reading about Male Depression. Infact I think I need to read it again. It has a table of the difference in female depression vs male depression and how it's displayed. I will list it here if it can help anyone. It sure helped me understand alot of what is going on. I think what makes us LBS so crazy is that the behavior that our spouses are portraying are opposite of how they really feel. I mean logic tells us that if someone is emotionally dying inside, would they be telling us they hate us, or skipping around like nothing is wrong?
Magnetic Depression (Female)
Blames herself for problems
Feels sad and tearful
Sleeps more than usual
Vulnerable and easily hurt
Tries to be nice
Withdraws when feeling hurt
Often suffers in silence
Feels she was set up to fail
Slowed down and nervous
Maintains control of anger
May have anxiety attacks
Overwhelmed by feelings
Lets others violate boundaries
Feels guilty for what she does
Uncomfortable receiving praise
Accetps weaknesses and doubts
STrong fear of Success
Needs to blend in to feel safe
Uses food, friends, and "love" to
self medicate.
Believes her problems could be solved
if only she could be a better _________
(spouse, co worker, parent, friend)
Wonders, " am I loveable enough?"
Dynamic Depression ( Male)
Blames others for problems
Feels irritable and unforgiving
Has trouble sleeping or staying asleep
Suspicious and Guarded
Overtly or covertly hostile
Attacks when feeling hurt
Overreacts, then often feels sorry later
Feels the world is set up to fail him
REstless and agitated
Loses control of anger
May have sudden attacks of rage
Feelings blunted, often numb
Maintains rigid boundaries; pushes others away
Feels ashamed of who he is
Frustrated if not praied enough
Denies weaknesses and doubts
Strong fear of failure
Needs to be "top dog" to feel safe
Uses alcohol, TV, sports and sex to self medicate
Believes his problems could be solced if only his _____
(spouse, co worker, parent, friend) would treat him better.
Wonders " Am I being loved enough?"
Wow! Men become selfish and self-involved, while women do the whole selfless/martyr thing. Interesting. I do see some of the male depression in my H, and the female depression retrospectively in me (quite a long time ago). It tells me how far I have come from that fearful, tearful, scared, and clingy person that I was a few years ago. I do get fearful sometimes, but it's over very quickly. And, tearful is a rare thing when it comes to my R with H ... more when I watch an emotional movie, or something like that.
Thanks for sharing this one, Kim.
Yes!!!! This is H!!! Although he tells everyone he is fine. He just wants to move on with his life. Whatever. He blames me for all his problems. It's always poor H. Always sacrificing. Everyone is against him. My counselor even talked about the "top dog" syndrome. And then I read that MLC is contagious. Wow! Either H is going through a crisis or else he is just the world's biggest jack@@$$!
~snort~ giggle
@ "Either H is going through a crisis or else he is just the world's biggest jack@@$$!" LOL
wishing, hoping~ When you said this...."My counselor says H is running away as well. H tells everyone that he is fine. He doesn't need help. But whenever he is around us at home if he isn't busy talking to OW or mowing the yard he is playing "Cityville" or some other game on the company iPad.
Escaping. That's what he does best anymore(so true for my H too!!!)." It really made me think of my H because he spends an awful lot of time watching tv, and when he's not doing that he's doing something shooting related, with the occasional spend time with his family.... which is all fine. Like I said before there are few times I'm not sure where he is, like right now for instance, he's doing God knows what with God knows who, but I'm not in a panic, so progress.
When I see him sitting like a lump in front of the tv I found myself thinking two things a lot of the time.... (both in sarcasm) 1. Oh, yeah, I'm holding you back sooo much from the super exciting life you want to have..... 2. No... no, nope, you're not depressed at all, perfectly fine. Oh if all it would take would be for us to take them, shake them and say work on your issues, stop denying you have issues and face them!!! Also, count your blessings, he mows the yard...... I wish H would mow just once, it's getting to be annoying since it's been raining so much every week. Or at the very least if he would just get the weed whacker out......
Kimmerz~I too appreciated your depression list.... It's interesting to see all the symptoms H exhibits.... and the one's I did when I was depressed. It's funny how people think depression is just being that sad little face drooping across the tv screen till he gets medication and becomes the happy face bouncing across the tv screen (ok, old commercial I know).... it's so much more complex than that.....
So I haven't really posted anything in awhile. I made the decision at some point on Friday that this weekend was going to be my MLC free weekend, that's right.... no reading about, no obsessing, talk about it as little as possible, not worry about H reactions, try not to even think about it (yeah right, I know)..... Well I would like to say I did a great job of it, I am quite proud of myself. I didn't read anything all weekend that pertained to MLC or any thing of the sort, I BARELY talked about H/MLC, and I had a wonderful indifferent attitude going about what he may or may not do or say.
Oddly enough, H seemed like the old him a few times this weekend.... he even talked to my friend briefly at one point, because apparently when we were coming in the house we scared him. He jumped and started laughing. We just looked at him, I asked if there was something he would like to share with the group. He said no, we just had scared him, then we all laughed. Then he went scampering downstairs where he watched tv.... must have gotten too real for him there. He's actually talked to my like a normal human being about the air conditioners.... went and bought a new one for the kitchen because we realized the old one is inoperable. He even called me by name a couple of times, he had just been saying hey, not really saying my name unless he had too, and of course none of the old nicknames, but just being called by name is nice (who'd have thought, right?). I just went about my business, and as I was getting ready to go out with a friend last night as I was coming out of "my" room he said, " I wanted to tell you you look really hot tonight. ( I thanked him) I wanted you to know that I noticed (at which point I asked noticed what) ." He said, "I've noticed all the tight shirts you've been wearing, and you look really good. I guess if you got it...." He trailed off, so I finished the thought with, "flaunt it." He said, "yeah..... but anyway I wanted to let you know you look good." I thanked him again and went back out to the kitchen to wait for my friend to pick me up. It was funny cause the whole conversation he had a goofy grin on his face. It's so strange how much he was starting to act like the old him these last few days.
Something I found funny, and you all might too, was I noticed while I was still waiting for my friend to arrive he had opened the one front curtain, which would be the perfect spot to see who was pulling up in front of the house at 9:30pm. He also opened the front door, both are strange for him to do. Even funnier is the friend who was picking me up he has never met, so he doesn't know her car.
Also, earlier in the evening I had laid an old shirt in his doorway for him to use as a rag. He came over and asked me about it. I said I just laid it there, I didn't know where you wanted it, you can have it for a rag. He said, "Are you sure? You really like this shirt..." I said, "yeah." He asked if I was sure again. I told him I was because it's way to big now. He said ok, looked puzzled and walked back into "his" room.
Now this morning he wanted some attention, and then before I left for the gym he asked if I was coming right back after (so he knew if he should let the AC on or not) I said I was. While at the gym I was minding my own business, half way through my cardio workout when I turned my head to see what was on the tv further down guess who was on an elliptical.... yep, H. I can't remember the last time he was in the gym the same time as me..... so that was strange. He hasn't been home since today, but I noticed his toothbrush has migrated back to lying right next to the toothbrush holder LOL (not that it means anything, but it's fun to monitor)..... and his room door is open.
Mmmm! Is someone crawling out the hole? Just monitor, and wait patiently, I would think.
I'm glad he noticed your hotness ... definitely, flaunt it if you have it. He might be thinking someone else could have it if he doesn't get his head out of his a$$.
LOL beingme u are so funny! I doubt I could be lucky enough for him to be buying a ticket to the clue train! Like I said he disappeared for hours today.... Just got home and is already wanting to pay me for groceries..... Seems a bit testy.... Clearly not anything I did since I've been at home mowing the grass..., but whatever it is I'm sure in his mind he is blaming me. Who knows... Letting it up to God.... I'm trying to maintain my mellow. But everyone in Normalville knows how foolish he would be to leave.
HRM,
Sounds like someone is a little jealous and trying to check up on you and who you might possibly be with.
A little mystery doesn't hurt...
Also, count your blessings, he mows the yard...... I wish H would mow just once, it's getting to be annoying since it's been raining so much every week. Or at the very least if he would just get the weed whacker out...
Oh H used to be OBSESSED with the lawn. He had a schedule for it. Now he mows it maybe once a week if that. He used to weed and feed and mow and trim and prune etc. Now he usually pays S to mow so he doesn't have to bother.
And count your blessings that H told you that you looked hot. I would drop from shock if H actually said something nice to me. My hair could be on fire and he wouldn't notice.
wishing, hoping~ Blessing counted.
LOL, I shouldn't laugh, but I did, about the hair being on fire line....I kinda had a mental picture of someone with their hair on fire and MLCing H saying, hmmm.... did you do something with your hair, it looks different.... meanwhile hair on fire person is frantically trying to put it out....at this point that's all there is to do sometimes is laugh....
you know hrm--I have noticed and admire your sense of humor thru this...
T^2
For W, in the past her depression was as described for women, but last fall/winter, the male depression behaviors fit better, almost to a tee...hmmm.
Thank you t, I appreciate you saying that. I figure laughing is better than being a crying mess in the fetal position on the floor....
. Really the real me is a happy person who loves to laugh... Somewhere I had lost that. I've been doing a lot of thinking with all of this extra time.... A few months ago I couldn't understand how some people were saying going through this has been the worst and best thing to happen to them, now I see myself in that statement. I look back to when this happened and can't believe I didn't see the depression I had already been in, and the anger I had at God about the fertility issues (never a good decision to turn ur back on God, he may give u a big horrible world altering kick in the pants!). Maybe this was the wake up call I needed to save myself.... Who knows how bad my depression could have gotten before I got help, if I ever even realized I needed help. Lately I have been feeling like the old me, and in some ways even better. My self esteem was never all that great, I've found it much improved (of course losing 40 pounds helped!). I'm back to being able to find the joy in the little things and truly enjoying the people around me again. I'm enjoying activites I plan, even though sometimes the saddeness creeps in that I am not able to share them with H.
I've accepted the fact that he's crazy right now and nothing I do or say will mean anything So I'm just going to continue to be the caring, fun, silly, empathic person I am meant to be and let God deal with the rest.
( Gods probably thinking finally!!! Took her long enough!)
That being said I know I will still have my cryigng days, my vent on here days, and my days of wanting to take him and shake him, but through that I always know there are going to be brighter days ahead.
Well, in case anyone could use a good laugh.... here's something funny that happened with H last night...
I have been shutting both doors (one opens to the hallway, the other to the bathroom) to "my" room the last couple of nights, don't know why, just don't feel like dealing with him I guess. So last night was no different, I was home before him and was already in "my" room getting ready to go out, doors shut, no problem right? Well here's where funny starts..... I went into the bathroom and after I dry off my hands and head back to the bedroom I hear H calling my name in a confused tone. He comes and knocks on the door. I open it and he has this part confused part terrified look on his face as he says, "I didn't know you were here. I heard the toilet flush and didn't know who was in the house with me!" I just started laughing, I did say I was sorry for scaring him as I continued to laugh. At this point we were both walking out to the kitchen and he went on to say he had seen my car and just figured I wasn't there because it was so quiet. As we continued to laugh my friend pulled up, and wouldn't you know it, he had opened the same curtain, just enough to see who was pulling up again..... funny. As I was leaving I said, I'm leaving now, if you hear the toilet flush again it's not me. We both laughed. As I headed out the door I heard him say have a good evening, I didn't respond because I was already out the door.
I also thought it was interesting he had turned on the porch light for me, I've been out at night many many times and have forgotten to turn the porch light on before I leave, not once had he turned it on for me until last night.
I haven't seen him since last night, and won't see him until at least tomorrow because he told me he won't be home tonight. It will be refreshing not to have to think about his many moods and which one that may turn up. lol
Hope you all got a laugh out of me inadvertently scaring H!
Poor baby! Must have thought the boogie man was flushing the toilet. LOL! I had a good chuckle over your posting. I'm glad you both could laugh about it and hope your evening was a pleasant one.
The interactions that you are having w/your h are cordial and/or civil and that's far better than having him acting like a wild child w/a temper tantrum.
Enjoy your weekend.
Ok.... so I'm not sure what to think of this..... this morning I started pulling a bunch of stuff out of the downstairs closet, figured good time to get rid of some of my old stuff... while he's not around, so I thought nothing of letting it sit out....I have been gone all day, just got home about 10 minutes ago and low and behold H is home......
I came upstairs and he is doing his usual watching some X-files on Netflix..... I said I didn't think you were going to be home tonight.... He said, we got done early so I thought I would come home and save the money on the hotel. I can leave if you have plans and want me to. I said no, I just feel bad because I have a bunch of stuff laying everywhere downstairs..... He said it didn't bother him..... So I went back to change my clothes, he comes back with a bag of chicken and asks if I would like any. I said sure I will take one, he said just one? I said yeah, I'm pretty full of sugar right now. (I was at my friend's 5 year old's birthday party, I didn't tell him that, he didn't ask). He also told me he pulled some weeds around the driveway "because it was getting hard to drive around them". I said yeah some of them take on a life of their own and thanked him for weeding.
So I'm really not sure what the heck is going on...... and why he would all of a sudden want to save money........ any thoughts on this strangeness??
hrm,
There is no rhyme or reason to what the mlcer will do. They all have their quirky ways of doing things. Your h appears to be having some moments of clarity right now...don't know if it is because he's not being pressured about the relationship and/or work, but he's doing his own thing, so to speak.
Continue the way you have been handling things...be thankful he's been cordial and somewhat pleasant. Grab a bag of popcorn and join the rest of the us along the street to watch the circus go zooming by.
Grab a bag of popcorn and join the rest of the us along the street to watch the circus go zooming by.
Love this!
It really is a show. I never know what to expect, except that I know I'll be surprised!
Your H may be peering out of the tunnel. I hope he comes all the way out, but one can't count on that. As Snodderly says in a more interesting way, watch and wait. It is quite funny sometimes, isn't it.
Well cue the circus music. When I was paying the phone bill I noticed he's decided to start texting the work whore again (any one who decides to mess with a married man is a whore, sorry, I don't make the rules). I think he's still having a fantasy relationship and/or EA with her, which she may not realize, which I only say because I have met her, a week before bomb drop, where I learned she has been scarred by her dad cheating on her mom for quite awhile and they didn't know about it, so she really (allegedly) doesn't like that behavior..... or maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree..... better get some popcorn and pull up my chair.....
Some days I would love to call everyone and be like what the hell is wrong with you?? are you so freaking blind you can't see he's totally lost his mind?!?! I know he's a good liar/actor, but really come on, get a freaking clue people. No, no need to worry I would never actually do that.
As for me, I will continue to shut both my doors, need to keep the separation from the crazy, it's too overwhelming, need my space so I don't lose my mind too..... It's all just a bit much right now with getting rid of a bunch of stuff I had kept for when we started our own family..... no need to keep all of that stuff since I don't know what is going to happen, but as for right now it's not looking so hot for the way I would like it to go.
....oh and I'm not sure how not staying in that hotel and driving back up there today was saving money.... especially when he took almost $300 out of the bank.... yeah, I looked, I can, technically it's my money too..... not that I see any of it..... I just wonder where all of this money keeps going....... Must be nice just to spend and spend and spend and not think anything of it, meanwhile I am just trying to pay the freaking bills..... grr..... Ok, I'm done whining. It's off to the gym I go!
I don't know how I missed this thread before. I could have quoted most of the posts; letting the spark die/them thinking all the mlc stuff is easier than fixing it, signs of a man's depression, the DB "not how a husband should feel about thier wife", the no connection (yet, mine had a hard time going a day not contacting me) etc.
When we were in our first round of MC ( before PA came out) we were asked to make a list of what we wanted in a marriage and then we were to share it next session. We never got to the next session, but I found H's list the other day going through papers. His 2 things; passion & fun to hang out with !! This sounds like a 18 year old dating, not a near 40 yr old father of 3 who has been with the same woman for 20 years. I'm not saying he is totally wrong but I had things like trust, financially responsible, appreciation, loyality, love.
I always wondered what he had put, now I know... And it was dissapointing on so many levels.
Took the words right out of my mouth. Its funny (not really) how I'm not the right one anymore but anyone who gives him a glance is a better fit? Oh, and he says how us getting together at a young age was not the right way to start a relationship, but an OW is a great way. They make no sense.
Your H and mine sound like they are cut from the same cloth. I keep thinking perhaps mine isn't MLC but the more I notice the crazy antics from H and the more I read threads from the MLC forum the more similarities I see. My H is all about "feelings" and how he has "feelings" for me but not "romantic" feelings. He still thinks I am the most beautiful woman ever, the best mom ever, the best friend ever and the best homemaker ever but it's all about "feelings". Fourteen years of being best friend ever and boom he is sneaking around with another woman and it's over. My H, as well, says he is not crazy and is perfectly sane. Although everyone who sees him and talks to him (except for OW) wonders why he is acting like a crazy man.
We cannot let them have their cake and eat it too. They need to have reality smack them in the face. It is hard but we need to sit back and let nature take its course.
This is my H to a tee too. (Supposidly the orginal OW is out, but from what I've heard, in her own mlc...things he would say I'm sure were a parrot of what she had said about her m). Now he's moved on to gf's way younger with younger friends and a "look" to go with it.
Again, I love this thread.
I open it and he has this part confused part terrified look on his face as he says, "I didn't know you were here. I heard the toilet flush and didn't know who was in the house with me!"
...
So I'm really not sure what the heck is going on...... and why he would all of a sudden want to save money........ any thoughts on this strangeness??
...
When I was paying the phone bill I noticed he's decided to start texting...
hmm...guilt, perhaps?
W would always "turn up the nice" when she got busted, or thought she might have...
Just like a teenager when they had a party when Mom and Dad were gone...but they aren't sure if they found all the beer bottles behind the sofa...lets be nice and helpful and distract them AWAY from the sofa...
Sorry to hear this H...wouldn't it be funny to get a remote toilet flusher and pretend to be out of the house and...
T^2
I open it and he has this part confused part terrified look on his face as he says, "I didn't know you were here. I heard the toilet flush and didn't know who was in the house with me!"
...
So I'm really not sure what the heck is going on...... and why he would all of a sudden want to save money........ any thoughts on this strangeness??
...
When I was paying the phone bill I noticed he's decided to start texting...
hmm...guilt, perhaps?
W would always "turn up the nice" when she got busted, or thought she might have...
Just like a teenager when they had a party when Mom and Dad were gone...but they aren't sure if they found all the beer bottles behind the sofa...lets be nice and helpful and distract them AWAY from the sofa...
Sorry to hear this H...wouldn't it be funny to get a remote toilet flusher and pretend to be out of the house and...
T^2
I love this!!! H always plays up the nice when he is up to something. Boy he must think I am stupid. He is acting just like his son (my stepson).
I don't know if they think we are stupid...I think they just don't think, its all what they want at the moment...then damage control...but what do I know, I'm stupid...
hrm,
You said that he is acting like his stepson...well, think about it...he may be walking around in a man's body, but he's regressed back to the age of a teenager. It's not that he thinks you are stupid, but his mind has regressed and he's acting out at an age of 16 or 17. You now officially have another son in the mix! LOL!
BTW, they all play nice when they are up to something or want something from you. It's part of the mlc illness.
hrm,
You said that he is acting like his stepson...well, think about it...he may be walking around in a man's body, but he's regressed back to the age of a teenager. It's not that he thinks you are stupid, but his mind has regressed and he's acting out at an age of 16 or 17. You now officially have another son in the mix! LOL!
BTW, they all play nice when they are up to something or want something from you. It's part of the mlc illness.
Actually Snodderly that was me. H is a teenager trapped in a middle aged body. He is angry and miserable. As he told me once this whole thing isn't so much about me and what I did or didnt do but its about him sorting out his head and trying to find some happiness. I don't even think he realized he said that out loud to me.
wishing, hoping~ Thanks for pointing that out.... no kids or step kids for either of us, (Snodderly I really don't think I could deal with another teenager!) LOL Wishing that's interesting that your H actually stated he's messed up and searching for happiness (in all the wrong places!). It's interesting he's aware, but not aware enough to realize nothing material on this earth or countless other people are going to make him happy, he's got to find it inside himself. Oh the messes people create to find something that's been in them the whole time... Wizard of Oz much? hahahahaha
Snodderly~It's sad but I pretty much figure any time he's being nice or semi-nice he must be up to something. Not enough popcorn in the world to sit and watch this circus go through..... Although it may be a good time to try that salt and vinegar popcorn.... always wondered if it's as good as the chips....
canadianMrs~I don't know how you missed this tread either, but I'm glad you found, hopped on board my crazy train and are loving it.
T~OMG, you are a freaking genius! A remote flusher that would be hilarious!! I wonder if they make such a thing..... I must research this..... oh the fun I could have..... hmmmm..... how else could I mess with him....oh no everyone, my evil side is coming out
...
I really do think they think we are stupid sometimes... like the whole wanted to save money by not staying at a hotel... yeah, right.... if I believe that will you tell me another one? I had a random thought about the hotel thing, cause it's just too strange for him to drive that same 2 hours the next day instead of just stay in the hotel, he would have been charged a cancellation fee, not to mention the almost $300 he took out of the bank that same day.... my thought was this.... wonder if my friend, who's car he doesn't know, who picked me up late and semi-late, made him think I may have company Saturday evening and he thought he would show me by showing up and "catching" me? Just a possibility....who really knows, but he cared enough to open the curtains both times I was getting picked up to try and sneak a peek at who was dropping by.....which I still think is darn funny!
Also, I wanted to share this, I was visiting my dad and his wife this evening and was talking a bit about this site and how much help everyone has been on here and how grateful I am for all the advice, encouragement and empathy. My dad said something that I didn't really think about, but now I am super thankful for as well. He said, "Just think how lucky you are to have a place like that to be able to talk with other people from all over going through the same thing you are. If you think about it women going through this 20 years ago wouldn't have been so lucky, they would have to possibly had gone through this same thing alone." How true.... he really made me think, I am so very thankful for this site and everyone on it, and for going through this awful time in the age of the internet..... Imagine feeling lucky during this the worst period in my life so far, I will add this to the list of things that make me happy.
I would also like to add to my happy list driving by the Martin's Potato Roll factory on the way to work when they are baking bread.... oh the smell.... so amazing.....
hrm,
You could be right in the fact that your h is curious to know who you are keeping company with. They don't want us, but they also don't want anyone else to have us either. They are just too funny and screwed up to know which end is up! As you move along, you'll begin to notice that they have a way of telling on themselves and you can then almost predict what is going to happen next.
BTW, your h is a teenager right now, so dig deep for patience! This is going to be a true experience for you!
It's true, this site and others are a God send. Society truly has become more open about a lot of things, not just on the internet, but on the television as well. People are communicating more about issues of all types. I can remember thinking that Bill Clinton must have been going through something when he did the deed w/Monica. His comments made no sense to me way back then, but they do now after listening to others going through mlc.
I love the Martin Potato Rolls when they are fresh! Yummy!
Enjoy your day!
Bill clinton : I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
LOL....
Yes! They don't want us but don't want anyone else to have us either!!! This is sooooooo true!!! It's actually comical from a distance.
I found something ironic and thought I would share..... H comes home and watches re-runs of the x-files.... all the while he could be a freaking episode seeing as how he's been abducted by aliens! LOL
I've also been doing some thinking, dangerous, I know. I wonder how I would be able to trust him ever again (if that ever became an option, I guess that's optimistic of me to think).... I mean everything is such a secret, all the cash being taken out, never throws receipts out here, randomly doing his very small load of laundry tonight after I saw a shirt he would wear to work had been left in his car last night. But then he did have some of his shooting stuff, so he could have gone to the range. He must have brought it in while I was outside weeding the garden tonight..... just odd that he would have to do that little bit of laundry tonight...of course he could always be trying to mess with my head too, since he seems to think I have some secret double life going on with my friend and her car he doesn't know picking me up LOL....
Then I got to thinking, if I did find out about a PA what would I do? Would that ever be forgivable?? I really feel like I don't want it to be, or I shouldn't.... but then I think would I? Then wouldn't I just be a door mat..... shouldn't he just have to suffer the consequences of his mistakes.... but then I would be punishing myself too.... but the betrayal already feels like too much some days..... Thinking about it all just makes me sad..... on the up side I'm not anxious or on the edge of a panic attack.... just sad.......
Forgiveness depends on the type of person you are.
Can you forgive?
Not make this sound trite, because it REALLY isn't. If you can forgive? Then you will be able to.
It has been my experience that people who say that have forgiven someone for something...they tend to keep bringing it up later on.
I personally do not believe that is forgiveness.
But that is just me.
I have never, nor do I plan on ever throwing my wife's affair in her face, ever...as I have forgive her for it.
Hi hrm,
The affair thing is entwined through my sitch, so here's my thoughts...
IF there is a PA, try to figure out what and why...because it is a symptom of something that has nothing to do with you in all reality.
Pure speculation here...If I remember correctly, your H didn't get a job he REALLY wanted, that he set his heart (and ego) upon having...when he didn't get it, as a man, he might have taken a huge blow to his sense of worth, and therefore self, as many men tie their self-esteem into their job, income, provider status and so forth. Maybe this was the trigger that set off mlc, who knows. So, he pulls away from you because sub-consciously, he does not feel worthy of you (and the difficulty in having kids probably plays in here somewhere too). This running away from his bad feelings about himself (blamed on you because it is so much easier to find an external cause for our discomfort) then has him searching for self and self-esteem, since not getting that job threw all that on the rocks, leading to doing all the standard mlc stuff...including EA/PA possibly.
So, before deciding IF you can forgive and trust again, maybe try to figure out WHY the POSSIBLE affair happened/is happening...
For my W, and I am on the second round of this, it was a mixture of unresolved things from the past, and...PROVING HER DESIRABILITY the first round...this round is proving desirability again and also mix in some replay/exploration from teenage/young adult "wild times" she never had due to her past and low self-esteem and a fear of getting old, she played in cougarville.
As Jack said, if you can/want to forgive, you will. For me, figuring the "why" helped/helps me to truly forgive, and actually, the EA aspects hurt more than the PA aspects...but remember, it's not really about you, its a symptom of mlc and H's attempts, although a very poor way of going about it, to ease something painful in HIM (such as proving his self-worth as a man).
For me, true understanding lead to compassion, which led to forgiveness of a real, true nature...
The trust thing will take time, and him proving to you, and also you allowing him to prove himself...by giving trust forward...by choosing to trust, even if you are not sure...and giving yourself the benefit of the doubt as well...
But, that is for later, not now. Now is for finding understanding.
You were just waiting for some new wrinkle to figure out, weren't you? Like we all need some new mlc weirdness to untangle, huh...lol...
Hope this helps...YMMV
T^2
Here is something from the vets here that I read and ponder whenever I am feeling low about my sitch (bolding is mine)...:
The Lighthouse
Your spouse is in huge conflict. The good news is; and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now. The competition that we believe exists with the Other Person is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world. It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.
Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now. Though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong, they do not like what they are doing.
Their actions toward you, the children, the Other Person, and themselves, as well as God, keep them from engaging in any type of real interaction with any real depth and truth.
All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life. Yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lies down, regardless of whom is next to them.
They are the living cliche of 'no matter where you go, there you are.'
They are lost to themselves.
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home, even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing the beacon.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them toward it. Let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
You cannot trust them right now, but you know that, so they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better.
You show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the Other Person is not part of your children's lives...without Love Busting. Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the Other Person is to have no access to them. You fill the children's lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.
Do not discuss or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is ok. No one can stay very long in that chaos. Remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos, and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
Be the lighthouse.
Helps me A LOT...hope it does you as well...
T^2
Jack~ I can forgive, for sure, I know that, I've had to forgive a few other people for some difficult things to forgive. I agree, if someone keeps bringing something up, then they didn't forgive the person because clearly they are still bothered by it.
Maybe it's not even so much the forgiveness as the trust.... I don't know.... but again, I may not even have to think about that, but I like being optimistic.....
T~ You do remember correctly about the job.... and I think you hit the nail on the head. My counselor has said all along, from everything I have told him, he thinks H is depressed, and feeling like a failure..... and enter MLC. It's nice to get a male perspective too.
My friend and I speculate that he is hanging out with his brothers more and and at least the one male co-worker and said female co-worker because around them he can feel like the alfa male.
My counselor also said H probably feels like since he is a failure I deserve better so, in his analogy.... my C asked me if I had ever seen an old episode of Lassie where the kid is pushing the dog way so it doesn't follow him because the kid knows if the dog follows him he will get hurt. He said, "for lack of better words Heather you are that dog." Interesting analogy, but so true.
Who knows how or if H will be able to work himself through this, he's so far in denial, always saying, it's just a job I will never like any job, that's not it, I just need out of R, then everything will be better......Why do men define themselves by their work?
Also, I have read the lighthouse thing, but thank you for posting it, it's time I read it again, I really enjoy reading it, it renews me to keep going.
Not looking for more MLC mysteries, just very contemplative lately I suppose....
Well, on the up side I'm super busy for the next week. Going to a co-workers wedding, she's very hippie and I'm super excited, they are having it at their house and having a camp out there that night, everyone who attends is welcome to stay, how neat is that? (it's the little things in life that bring me joy). She was also nice enough to tell me to bring along a good friend of mine (she knows my sitch, so I thought it was very nice she's letting me bring someone she doesn't know to her wedding). Then, since my C told me I should volunteer somewhere, I will be helping out the church with VBS Sunday thru Friday nights from 6-8:30! Haven't figured out when I will fit the gym in this week, but I'll think of something!
Why do men define themselves by their work?
Because they don't let us slay dragons anymore?
T^2
Dragons.... of course.... I don't know why I didn't think of that.
Well as of last night it appears dear one has cycled back into monster man...... when I looked him in the eyes (had to tell him I wouldn't be home tonight) I didn't know who he was.... so here we go again.... He's also throwing stuff away again.... found a pic of me and a pic of me and him in the trash..... I was sooooo ticked off...... I fished them out and put them with the rest of the pic's, I didn't say a word, just went about wrapping wedding gifts.
I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!
hrm,
I'm sorry that he's back to tossing stuff out again. I'm afraid you are going to have to check the trash periodically because it appears he is on a mission to rid any and all reminders of the relationship that you two shared. You handled the situation great! The less you say when you discover what he's done w/the photos, the better. Thank goodness you found them before the trash was put out for pick up!
They do tend to go through periods of being the monster. You've become quite good at reading your h. I'm sure he wasn't happy to learn that you were going out last night, but that is too bad.
I hope you have a good weekend! Hang in there!
Thanks Snodderly! I always enjoy reading your responses! He seemed more normal the brief time I spoke with him this morning. He actually called me on the phone, first time since BD day. I had a crazy morning. As I was getting ready to leave for work the power went out, I had to figure out the garage door.... once I got the car out I found some long camping forks and stuck them in the holes as an attempt to lock it. Meanwhile my dad called me because he locked himself out of the house and needed me to come let him in! lol I texted H to let him know about the power, the text read, "I don't mean to bother you but I wanted to let you know the power went out before I left. Stuck big camping forks in the garage door to keep it locked." He called me a few minutes after I sent to text to find out what was going on. I explained I think a transformer blew or something because I heard a loud pop and then the power went out. I asked what I need to do to reset the garage door when it comes back on, he told me he would take care of it when he gets home. (which surprised me since he hasn't even mowed the lawn or cleaned the bathroom since last year!) I thanked him and told him to have a good day. He told me to have a good day too. Also, my craziness of following the toothbrush.... it's actually been in the holder since the day he threw out the pictures.
Don't know if these are good signs, but I will take it.
No expectations of course.
He still asks to give me money for groceries, and he apparently forgot about the cable and electric bill when I told him Thursday I would be paying them when I got paid on Friday, he said ok, thank you, I forgot about them......
I'm still waiting for a new car to show up.... kinda surprised it hasn't yet....
Oh hippie wedding was AWESOME!!!!!! btw, just in case anyone was wondering.
I'll write more later, gotta get to VBS.
Okay, spill the beans on the hippie wedding...did you wear flowers in your hair and strum a guitar? I'm glad you had a good time...you needed a change of scenery.
Sounds like you day started off w/a real bang! I'm glad you were able to assist your father. He needs to put a spare key somewhere else on the property...maybe in a shed or w/a neighbor. Getting locked out happens to all of us sooner or later.
As for your h and the garage door opener...perfect! He is coming to your aid and rescuing the damsel in distress! Be sure to thank him if he resets the door for you.
The new car may not show up...you just never know. His memory isn't too good, is it?
OK.... warning, this could be a very long post! LOL (there, now you can't say you weren't warned). First thing.... OMG!!!! Hope you all are sitting down.... H mowed the grass!!!!!!!!!! I know, right? My counselor suggested letting it go to see how long it would take for him to do it, I told him I didn't know if I could do that, because it would drive me crazy letting it get long, and I was just about to be like screw it, I'm mowing. I didn't even notice he had done it until I got upstairs and looked out the window! I had already thanked him for fixing the garage door, which he told me was not a big deal. I went back downstairs and told him I had just noticed he mowed the grass and told him how much I appreciated it. So they seem like good things..... but expectations are still firmly planted at zero.
Now, the hippie wedding, which was awesome, but still a wedding and my first one without H there, so it was hard (but hey his loss!). I did not wear flowers in my hair or strum a guitar (but had I thought of the flowers I would have totally done it). There were several people there strumming guitars and singing though.... The bride wore a traditional wedding dress, her girls wore cotton sundresses and flip flops. The guys all wore cargo pants, flip flops and tie dye shirts, the groom had on a different tie dye shirt. The person marrying them wore cargo shorts and a white t-shirt. They did burgers and dogs on the grill, and it was pot luck so everyone brought something. My friend and I stayed for the camp out, which I'm glad we did, it was super awesome!!! Of course there was a lot of alcohol involved. lol Funny, I'm not a big drinker, but the last two months I've been drinking 3 times (don't worry I'm not becoming an alcoholic). They had a big bonfire too! Gotta love a campfire!!! It was just a great time, and I really did need it. It was very relaxing, I'm glad I went and stayed the night.
Ok.... so, today, which I wanted to post about earlier but ran out of time. We are having a week of training at work and today we had to do to some team building stuff, you know trust activities, etc. Well we got the opportunity to climb something called the Alpine Tower (it's 50 feet high). I was determined to get to the top despite my fear of heights.... I told myself all last week I was going to do it no matter how hard it was. So I got all harnessed up and started my climb, it was way more terrifying then I expected. I got about half way and my rope kept getting caught so I said screw this and gave up, despite my co-workers cheering me on. So I was watching everyone else at that point only 2 of my co-workers made it to the top. I decided I was going to try it again, but from the other side, where there was nothing for my rope to get caught on. Attempt 2, I started the climb, praying the entire way. I had to stop a few times to catch my breath and plot my next move. I was literally inches from the top and I could not pull myself up, my arms were like yeah right Heather, we are done, nice try, and I couldn't figure out where to grab to pull myself up. So I yelled down to my co-worker who was controlling my rope that I couldn't do it, I didn't have any strength left. She wouldn't let me give up. I took a break and prayed so hard for strength because I really, really, really, wanted to get to the top, it was something I just had to do. At this point my supervisor had made it to the top and she came over and helped show me how to place my hands. With one final effort of God given strength.... I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I climbed to the top of the Alpine tower!!! I was so freaking excited, proud, happy..... it was metaphorical.... I cried a little sitting at the top.... luckily my supervisor has a vague idea of what is going on in my life because I briefly told her a few weeks ago when I randomly burst into tears at my evaluation (at that time she told me she had no idea, and I do a good job of keeping my work and personal life separate. She's new, I've only had her as a supervisor for a couple of months, it took time to build trust). Anyway, sitting up there she told me what a good job I did, and see look how strong you are, you can do anything! I said yeah, I'm beginning to realize that, hence the tears (I'm an emotional girl, they were good tears!). I guess the point of this story is I grew a little today..... and faced a fear. I may not be able to move tomorrow, LOL, but it was TOTALLY worth it!!!!
hrm,
Yes, you can do anything if you put your mind to it. Congratulations on the climb up the Alpine Tower. You can apply what you've learned about yourself during this test each and every day, i.e., strength, determination and yes, asking for help. I'm proud of you!
OMG! I was thrilled to hear that he mowed the grass. Your counselor was right on the money, but I'm sure it was driving you nuts to see the grass getting taller. LOL! I'm glad you thanked him for resetting the garage door and also mowing the lawn. He needs validation for the things that he does and by you recognizing him for it, he'll remember it when he's alone.
The hippie wedding sounded like a lot of fun. It was a change of scenery for you and I'm sure you and your friend had a great time! I'm glad you went.
Have a great day!
Way to go!! You ROCK!!
T^2
Oh Heck, I cried to hear you made it to the top!
Keep up the good work.
snodderly, T, and Wendy~ Thank you all!
Something that I just realized driving to work this morning thinking about climbing that tower and the other things going on in my life.... Monday, the day of the climb was the 11..... exactly 8 months since bomb drop.... strange huh?
Also, I don't know if this was good or not, but some habits are hard to break... H was acting oddly normal this morning and well I couldn't help myself I told him about climbing the tower (hey I'm super proud of myself and want everyone to know!). He congratulated me, looked rather impressed (not that that matters, just noting), and I told him there are pictures if he would like to see them after my co-worker e-mails them to me. He said yeah. Then I told him to have a good day, he told me to do the same and we both left for work.
hrm,
There was absolutely nothing wrong w/sharing your climb w/your h. You have a lot to be proud of!
Also, I don't know if this was good or not, but some habits are hard to break... H was acting oddly normal this morning and well I couldn't help myself I told him about climbing the tower (hey I'm super proud of myself and want everyone to know!).
Well, WHY NOT???
I would think it shows you are growing and evolving if H knew about your fear of heights. It IS something "different" regarding you. Maybe it would help him "see" you differently, or not, who knows...lol.
But the hanging questions is......
Where is the toothbrush???I love all the little, funny things we "monitor" with our mlc'ers.
W is acting more "normal" as well (well, whatever normal is, is).
T^2
T~ toothbrush is still in the toothbrush holder, believe it or not! LOL and I noticed the soap dish thingy he takes to the gym is actually laying on the counter in the bathroom instead of being in "his" room...... his Tums, deodorant, meds, etc are still in "his" room though....
Yes, he knew about my fear of heights.
I guess there really isn't a normal.... just what we have come to know as such.
Snodderly~ Yea! I was hoping that didn't screw up the being mysterious! lol
I about died laughing over the toothbrush, but now the soap dish thingy? Sounds to me like he is moving back "home" little by little.
There was a woman who had a mlcer that was posting on this board many years ago...her mlcer took all of his stuff when he moved out. He was gone for several years and one day, when he came to visit the children, he brought an article of clothing w/him. When he left to go back to his "cave", he left the article of clothing. This behavior went on until almost all of his stuff was back home. At the end, he came home to visit and he told his wife that he was there to stay and you know what? I believe they are still together today and very happy.
So yeah, monitor those crazy little quirks an see what happens. It could be he's testing you to see if you will notice and say something. Don't mention it.
That is too FUNNY!!! it's almost as if their sub-conscious mind is way ahead of their conscious mind.
Well
Snodderly that would be nice if that happened! Also kind of amusing to watch, as it is now..... but no expectations.....
Plus I think I irritated him tonight. I was polite and told him/asked him if he had a problem with me watching a friend's children at our home on Saturday while her and her husband move. He asked how old they are, I told him 5 and 18 months, and I plan on having them outside most of the time weather permitting. He said well I guess I will take all of my guns with me. (He doesn't have a safe since we don't have children and no one with children has ever actually visited with their kids.) I told him he doesn't need to do that all the doors to rooms will be shut and I will be with them, plus I plan on having them outside. He just got huffy and stormed off. So much for progress. (Maybe I should go check the toothbrush! hahahahaha) On the up side I'm like whatever.
I'm growing accustom to teenage behavior... and I deal with toddlers every day... and this week every night...LOL
He also wanted to talk to me about the Sirius radio bill for my car (he talked to me about it before I brought up the kids). I told him I would help pay it but I don't get paid until NEXT Friday, he said that would be fine. Now I'm wondering if he's going to freak out again if I give him cash.... LMAO.... is it bad that I am literally laughing about that craziness???
Also, I think he might be planning on getting a tattoo soon.... he's mentioned it before...so between that and a car I'm not sure which will come first... tattoo's cheaper.... but he's insane.... and has a bad memory.... which sometimes works to my advantage.
Ok so I just went to brush my teeth and his toothbrush is back on the other side of his sink, soap dish gone, and now shaving cream is out of the shower! LOL wow how dare I help out a friend by watching children! Cue the circus music and bring on the popcorn...... Kitty kitty is running for it again....
OMG! I have about died laughing. He's punishing you for volunteering to take care of the children! LOL!
I'm sorry, but it's too funny not to laugh and I'm glad to see you are starting to see some of the humor too.
Yeah.... how dare me, I know! LOL He's still very much lodged in crazytown. I noticed this morning some models were missing in "his" room (he used to like building them but hasn't in a looooong time, but he still had some). I was in his room because I like to sit on "his" bed and say a prayer whenever he's not here, not that it's going to work better than my other praying, but I still like to do it. I went outside and made sure the models weren't in the trash, they weren't thankfully (hey that's money he would be throwing away). So who knows what he's doing with them...... it is interesting to see which way crazy will go next.... As I sit here and type this I just looked over and saw our wedding album on the shelf, I had laid it there and forgot to put them back, my friend who was getting married, had wanted to see them. Maybe he saw them laying there or even looked at them (Heaven forbid!) and that pushed him back into crazy..... hard to tell. I'm not even going to try and figure it out.
Alright I suppose I should get a shower and head to work now.
I'm annoyed.... less than I was, but still annoyed, heck I guess that is even the right word. I don't know. I don't think jealous is, because I'm not, maybe disappointed.... definitely annoyed. Here's what my issue is..... and I may have brought it on myself for looking on FB (I do NOT have a facebook account, was on a friends), so probably a bad idea, I don't even know what compelled me to do it... but something did... I looked at H's sisters page, I know she's getting divorced and has a BF..... well.... apparently she's pregnant. Devastating. I had a meltdown. I shouldn't have, it doesn't affect me. I'm just sad/pissed/thinking WTF and REALLY???? Several friends let me vent and well, I really did see this coming. She is so in love with the idea of having a baby I think she got pregnant from the BF on purpose (he has teenage children from what I understand), and is apparently no longer in the picture. Before she got married she was so in love with the idea of being married, ended up marrying a crackhead (no lie, and she knew, everyone knew, that's why WE didn't attend the wedding). WTF is wrong with people??? I'm sure her mother is just shitting kittens she's so happy... her first grandchild... blah blah blah..... then I thought it's probably best I found out this way instead of when H eventually decides to tell me. I'm sure he has to know. Which could be why H's become so paranoid about me somehow accidentally and quite mystically (PCOS, duh!!!) getting pregnant..... puzzle pieces are starting to aline. Well at least this way when he tells me I can just be like whatever. Anyway, it's just sad really, and that poor child is going to be so F---ed up! Born into a family of crazy!
I keep telling myself God has a plan.... God has a plan.... so far I'm really freaking disliking, in fact hating his plan.... but I will be patient and wait (Psalms 37:7)..... waiting.... I'm quite good at.... patience has always been something I've been good at..... detaching, I've been getting better and better....GAL, no problem....I have not mastered lack of children disappointment yet.... something to work on in counseling I suppose.
I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but slight irritation, and then a funny story.
The slight irritation just happened, about 10 minutes ago. I got home at 5:05 and H was already here, strange, he usually gets home between 5:30 and 5:45. And for some reason he's parked in the front yard. When I came in I made the mistake of forgetting he's insane and just cheerfully commented you're home early. I swear it was totally innocent. He barely looks up at me and says I still live here too. All I said was, I was just trying to make conversation, then I headed into the kitchen and started putting my stuff away, I started humming and whistling, didn't want him to think he had been successful in the attempt to annoy me. Anyway, I know, rookie move on my part, should have never attempted to talk to him. He did come back and yell into "my" room there's chicken out here if you want some. I just said thank you, of course in a cheerful tone.
So onto the funny story. Well at least I found it VERY funny last night. I was making tacos for dinner and H had just gotten home. I told him there were plenty if he wanted some. He declined saying he had just eaten. I said ok and sat down to eat. A few seconds later he came back into the kitchen and said you talked me into it, they smell really good. I said help yourself. He turns back around after filling his plate and says, "I hope you didn't go to all this trouble for me. Thank you they look good." I sat there for a minute, trying to grasp that he was serious, and then trying not to crack up laughing. I managed to say, "No, I just wanted tacos." LMAO, Really??? Like what did he think was going to happen, like it was all part of some intricate plan, yes that's it my grand plan, make tacos then he will realize the error of his ways and snap out of it and come home?? LOL I'm just amazed he actually ate something I cooked. I just found it so funny that he said that! Shows the selfishness!!! LMAO
Hiya hrm,
You do know that parking in the front yard was his evil plan to get you to talk to him, so he could be crabby justifiably and blame it on you, right?
Then because he was aware of HIS plan, therefore YOU must have had a plan as well, don't ya know...
Just kidding, I hope...
But yeah, the number of times that I have stood, baffled, trying to figure out how she took something the way she did or at what W said or did...man, that would add up to a week of paid time off maybe!
Anyway, you talking to him is just something you need to do sometimes to remind them that "ummm, hey...reality is over this-a-way..." From what you wrote, seemed like a normal thing to say to ANYbody...but they do twist everything as far as us spouses are concerned, especially if they are feeling guilty or something (at least in my sitch).
T^2
They become paranoid little pod people while in crisis. They tend to twist and turn everything you say because they are paranoid and still want to pick arguments w/you. It's almost like they challenge you when they respond to simple comments. As for parking in the front yard, it was a challenge to see if you would comment on where he had parked.
Did you fill the tacos w/fairy dust? It sounds like he thinks he's something special and you were buttering him up for something. Yeah, right...the spit is outside waiting to turn him round and round over the grill embers.
See, you are getting to the point now that you are starting to find some humor in his comments. Keep up the good work! I need to go find some additional fairy dust for your special pod person! LOL!
oh... that is funny, hrm...
yeah... you were using the classic DB taco technique...
Anything they can find to believe the LBS is pursuing... lol
Oh and snod is so right about the pod people... don't know if you read I had posted somewhere on someone's thread that a couple weeks ago I went to pick up D9. As I came into the house, W says "Hi" and I say (innocently) "Hey".... and I could immediately see her back go up. Like I was somehow annoyed and being curt with her... I truly said it in a pleasant voice and demeanour...
ah well...
This just made me laugh out loud, FOR REAL!
I called my pod person on my way home from an important quilt guild function that ran late. He actaually said he left his door open in case I wanted to join him. I am pretty sure it was a freudian slip. I think he ment in case the dogs wanted to join me, because he said something about the dogs being in his room. It was funny.
I didn't join him, and the dogs can sleep where ever they want....
I think I will try the classic DB Taco technique. Sounds Yummy!
I'm glad everyone got as good of a laugh out of my "evil taco plot" as I did.
Between that and my "you're home early comment" he's seemed to spin back into hard core crazy. He's not home in front of the TV yet, so who knows what he's doing or who he's with, I'm sure it's all in an effort to make sure he remembers I am the arch nemesis, or a haha I can be out late too, since I was out every night last week till 8:30-9:00 (which is late for him). Perhaps he's out getting that tattoo.... or buying that new car. Wait, wait, can't be the car, the title is still in the filing cabinet, I just checked. LOL
Kaffe~ Who knew something as innocent as hello could be taken wrong. Oh the things we learn when submerged in MLC-ville.
Wendy~ That's definitely a Freudian slip if I ever heard one!
T~ You kid, but sometimes I wonder. Things are just so strange, the I want nothing to do with you, but I'm going to open the blind to see who you are with.... I'm going to leave, but 8 months later still here.... toothbrush in the holder, toothbrush out LMAO... you get the point! Guess he didn't like his reality reminder as you put it since he seems to be back to week one behavior.
Snodderly~ I pretty much don't say a blessed thing to him unless I have to, every now and then I will mix it up with a comment, but we see how that goes. I am pleasant no matter what, I vent my annoyance here (lucky you guys!). You are so right about him being paranoid, and I pretty much assume he does as much as possible to pick fights with me, I just don't respond in well usually anyway, but never in the way he wants. I really think they think we are stupid. Like I don't realize he does all the stuff I find annoying on purpose, geez give me some credit.
LOL fairy dust! That's right, went to Salem, became a witch, brought home super awesome fairy dust, waited 2 months and then at the perfect time I made irresistible tacos! You are on to me!
I have been deep in thought this evening, I feel like as much as I want to and am trying, detaching is very hard. I've been doing better, don't get me wrong, but I could be doing a lot better. I don't have anxiety anymore, which is great, but still all of this makes me sad, and the wondering where he is, and where all this money is going, and what the heck he says about me or us to people since none of his family has made any effort to contact me is hard to keep pushing out of my mind... Anymore detaching tips? I'm tired of being sad, I'm tired of being treated like crap, I'm tired of not being appreciated, and not being good enough. I know, his issues.... but how do I get past them in my head?
He could very well be out buying a new toothbrush that lights up.
Seriously, hrm, it takes time to learn the fine art of detachment. Each person moves at their own pace. Quite frankly, I think you are doing well, considering he's still under the same roof w/you. I would have been sorely tempted to spice up his tacos a bit for him. You know, light the fire and see him go to the moon and circle back down.
Maybe you need to sprinkle some fairy dust on that toothbrush that continues to move around the bathroom. Maybe the fairy dust will help to glue it down. BTW, I'm still laughing over that one.
Bottom line, give yourself some time...you've learned the first step, i.e., your sense of humor has returned and you are starting to see the humor in his crazymaking ways. You've learned to come here to vent and yes, you are going to have ups and downs. Time is on your side.
My best detaching trick is to notice when I don't, mentally note that next time I need to do whatever the right thing is and when I've not done it 10 times, then 9 out of 10, then 8 out of 10.....
In other words cut yourself some slack and know habits are hard to break.
I also take one ot two breaths before I answer questions now. And actually say to myself inside my head: DETACH, DETACH, DETACH.
Or if I'm feeling silly I say inside my head: "Danger Will Robinson!" and picture the Lost In Space robot spinning around. (Warning myself that an alien attack is about to happen ;-)
I would buy that man a Dora the Explorer toothbrush, too. Because the toothbrush likes to travel.
snodderly~ Apparently he was at a bar/restaurant (one of fantasy work whores fav's) *rolling eyes*. So much for detaching last night, heck even this morning. I've been deep in prayer, I hate it when a crying spell sneaks up on you! I guess I still just have a hard time believing how utterly stupid people can be. Days like today I wish I had enough money to pay all of the bills on my own because I would so be like, please just leave until you aren't crazy anymore and realized you are a giant jackass. And if that day doesn't come, have a nice life, hope you find the happiness you are searching for. Then I feel bad for thinking things like that because I remind myself he's depressed and depression makes you think strange things, I know, I was depressed, but then again I got help. Snodderly it means a lot that you think I'm doing well, I think you are very wise.
I should have made the tacos super spicy, he hates spicy.... hehehehehehe....... I think I'll take my bag of fairy dust and sprinkle it all over "his" room and his toothbrush!
Wendy~ Thank you so much for the tips! I especially love the Danger Will Robinson one!! The Dora toothbrush is an excellent idea, even funnier because he totally wouldn't get it!
I think I need to go back to hibernating when I am home (meaning shutting both doors to the bedroom), I think I was doing better at detaching that way. Especially now that he is fully back into week one behavior. I need to throw myself back into self focus.....
Had to share a couple of stories quick. First, I have to say my niece and nephew are the cutest, sweetest kids and I'm so thankful for them! They are 5 year old twins BTW. I went to visit them last night, took them a big box of old CPK dolls of mine! They are both so silly, my nephew was hung up on saying people were fat (despite his mom telling him that's not nice to say). He says to me, all big people are fat, even Jesus. I said, no, Jesus was skinny. He laughed at me saying skinny. I said, skinny,thin whatever you want to call it. Then he looks at me and says, You're skinny. I started laughing. I said No, I'm not. He said yes you are look and he put his wrist up to mine and put his fingers around my wrist and then his (I guess that was going to prove a point even though they didn't fit the same. HAHA) I just started laughing and told him he's my new favorite person! LOL I just thought that was too cute! He cracks me up! He also wanted me to spend the night. I told him I couldn't cause I have to go to work tomorrow. He groaned, I said yeah, I feel the same way about going to work some days. He thought that was funny.
Second story. This morning H came out of "his" room wearing a shirt I had bought him a long time ago, one of many tropical print ones, he was going through a phase. I looked at him and thought, gee, wonder if we remember who bought that shirt..... then the evil part of me came out... I had to mess with him... so I look at him, big smile on my face and say.... Nice, shirt, haven't seen that one in awhile! He just looks at me annoyed, as I continue to say, I remember buying that one! He continues to look annoyed and I just turn around and finish emptying the trash! HAHAHAHA I thought he may go change the shirt, but he didn't..... I just found this super funny for some reason this morning... guess we all have to find ways to amuse ourselves.
Have a fabulous day everyone!!
If my STBXH were to try and not wear clothes I bought him he would go naked!
Wendy that is hilarious! Come to think of it, I probably bought him most of the clothes he has too.....
Oh, and he is definitely back to week one behavior.... MAJOR spending increase again, bought another gun, actually bought a different brand of sneakers (strange for him), and LOL bought Axe deodorant... he's gonna be disappointed it's not going to be like the commercial where all the girls come running and can't control themselves! HA
Must have felt something that smelled too much like reality, teetering on the edge of depression, clinging desperately, can't fall off..... must be forever 17, must dodge responsibility, must prove I'm right, must prove it's all HER fault...
Song I've been repeatedly listening to lately..... Losing by Tenth Avenue North...... It helps me not smother him to death with his pillow.....
hrm,
Your sense of humor is what is helping you get through this. Axe? OMG! All of the teenagers go for that, just thinking that it will bring the women in flocks! LOL! What brand of sneakers did he purchase. My xh bought two pair with the lights that flickered in the heal when he walked right after he left the first time. I about died laughing over that.
It's very sad that they can't see how they look to others.
Enjoy your weekend! BTW, where is the toothbrush these days?
Oh, and he is definitely back to week one behavior.... MAJOR spending increase again, bought another gun, actually bought a different brand of sneakers (strange for him), and LOL bought Axe deodorant... he's gonna be disappointed it's not going to be like the commercial where all the girls come running and can't control themselves! HA
OMG H is using AXE as well. I bought him some nice "adult" cologne for Christmas and I just noticed the other day he gave it to S. Nice. That's what an 11 year old needs is a $50 bottle of cologne all the while his dad stinks of Axe. What is wrong with this picture????
Snodderly his toothbrush is still on the other side of the sink! LOL Although he came into the bathroom and brushed his teeth at the same time as me this morning.... but he had to be somewhere so he probably hated having to do that! The shoes he bought are Sketchers Sport, and they are charcoal grey, he ALWAYS gets New Balance and completely white.
wishing, hoping~ I laughed so hard at this! Guess you will have the best smelling 11 year old around! Look out little girls on the playground! LOL Just another WTF moment brought to you by your local MLCer!
As for crazytown recently, I haven't been home much this weekend, busy GALing. A co-worker/friend turned 21 last week and she really wanted to go out with the rest of us for drinks, something she's been talking about for a year since she is the baby of the group.
We all went out Friday night, had a good time. Before I left home Friday evening H comes and knocks on "my" door to ask me if I paid the cable bill. I was like yeah... pretty sure I did that awhile ago, when it was due.... I told him I would check. Thought it was funny he remembered we have bills to pay. So I checked my bank account and told him the date and amount I paid. He said thanks and sorry for interrupting. I said oh, btw I won't be home tonight. He said ok, be safe and have fun. (that caught me off guard since I was expecting more 17 year old behavior, but apparently we had 2 days of that and lapsed ever so slightly back into normal).
I wasn't really home much yesterday either, spent a good portion of the day with the friend who I stayed overnight with. We had a really good talk. I again remembered how thankful I am for all of the great friends and family I have in my life. When I got home I spent some more time with another friend, having a movie night. H was kind enough to let us use the tv, while he watched x files downstairs. HA
I did see that he has been searching for a new job again.... hopefully that is a good sign.... but who knows. No analyzing for me, just gonna let God do His thing and continue to focus on me! (well and monitor the toothbrush!)
hrm,
You are doing well and I'm glad to see that you are out and about enjoying life. It's very much a blessing when we have friends and family that support us throughout this ordeal.
You have to find the humor in all of this because no one else would believe it. Once you find your balance, you begin to see just how different they become and see how they were growing up, i.e., long before we knew them.
I'm wondering if his concern about the cable bill was because he was afraid that he would not have any access to tv shows. He wanted to make sure he still had access to the various networks.
Enjoy your Sunday. I'm sure your "teenager" will have something to do today.
Oh Snodderly, I have been doing well.... until today. Today freaking svcks! Went in to get my oil changed, and of course nothing can be simple. The guy came out to get me and show me some of the metal threads are coming through on the tires, I need new ones. I of course am not a tire expert, but figured not to get them at the dealer, too expensive. I texted H, of course he didn't reply, probably not at work like he should be. He would never take time off before to do things with me, but now he will take random time off for everything else...whatever. The guy at the dealer made me promise to get them taken care of ASAP because it's not safe, I really shouldn't be driving with them. I told him I would get it taken care of. Ah, so comforting when a stranger is more worried about my safety then my H. Well I got home and H called me. Which made me want to throw the damn phone across the room, but I didn't. H just said it's my car (in both our names, thanks so much), my decision, but he would look at it because he found it hard to believe the tires would be doing that on the car already because it's not that old. I told him not to inconvenience himself and I would take care of it. What a complete and total jackass! I'm sure if it was some random woman he would have bent over backwards to help them..... He used to be in the tire business, that's why I figured I should call him to begin with.
This just also adds to the irritation of the addition of his latest toy, which showed up last night.... a rather large lawn/garden cart to pull all of his shooting crap around. I saw him putting it together when I went downstairs to get some of my gardening things. I also, had to wrestle with the new hose reel I got.... I thought it would be easier, nope, a hassle too. Can't win, that's all there is to it. After I got the hose squared away I started weeding around the front of the house. H comes up to the window and asks me, if I "have plans for the tv". I told him no, have at it. I think he was trying to see if his new toy pissed me off, it didn't (just irritating, must be nice to buy whatever the heck you want), because I mean really, I'm weeding, and when do I ever want the tv anymore???
Wendy, I have been using your detachment techniques.... even picture the word detach, flashing like a neon sign in my head... it's just not working today. One would think after this much time a person would realize all the useless crap in the world isn't going to provide the happiness they are looking for. One would also think they would see their spouse is their biggest supporter, NOT the arch nemesis, but what do I know?
I feel so tired all the time, drained.... I thought I was sleeping ok, maybe I'm not. Who knows. I'm just sad today. I'm tired of being sad, and crying, and being tired. Will it ever end?
When you take the car in to get new tires, ask them about the tread wear pattern. If the tires aren't that old and have worn out on one side, there may be a problem with your alignment - if so, you'll need to get that fixed or your new tires will wear out early too.
Do you have Costco where you are, or Discount Tire Stores? I've had good service from Discount.
hrm,
You need to do a google on the tire that you have. You may have a bad set and could be reimbursed for the what tread you still have on them. Please do not drive on them for very long. It's dangerous once the steal belts begin to come through.
I guess your h opted for the cart right now instead of the car. The toys just keep popping up all over the place when mlc strikes!
Take a deep breath and try to relax a bit.
Oh, the toys and spending...
W did her search for thing-happiness at thrift stores (thankfully not Macy's
)...hundreds of dollars a month...do you know how
much stuff hundreds of dollars buys??? a month??? All the thrift stores in town knew/know her by name and mood...this went on for 3 years. I couldn't say anything at the time, she would flip sh!t or use waif tactics on me (they still worked then)...I just would shake my head when she wasn't looking.
One branch even opened a THRIFT STORE OUTLET...yup, an outlet, where they charge BY THE POUND for stuff that didn't sell in the regular stores...we had a van...W asked me to take the seats out... then we lost half our house, it still came in a found its way into the garage, along with the half house things not destroyed...i finally had to tell her that she had to fill the van with stuff to re-donate before she could bring more in. This was right before BD, btw, when I finally stood up.
During one of her alien spew fests at my expense she railed on my spending all these years, etc (one of our M issues)...so I downloaded the last 3 years of bank transactions, did some evil spreadsheet sorting and totalled up her thrift store addiction, 5 figures, and gave it to her, printed out, in full. Funny how "my" spending issue became "our" spending issue all the sudden.
This was in Feb when I was thinking I was "done" and considering kicking her out...she started changing shortly thereafter, I sometimes wonder if that was a first reality check that started her questioning herself and what she thought she knew or something...I will probably never know...
The sadness, tiredness and drained feelings will start dissipating and be shorter and farther between...they will still sneak up on ya, but you will do better with them...time and practice are our friends...
You are doing great!!!! and !!
T^2
Hey HRM!
Sorry you are having a bad day. Funny, I was too. I was WAY down in the dumps. But I went to meet friends at the beach. We got rained on! Then I ran to the commissary and got steaks and fish, met the friends back at my house and I cooked and we all talked, and suddenly I felt so much better. It was just nice, impromptu and fun. My S22 joined us and cooked the steaks and fish. S27 and his family showed up and opened a coconut and roasted it, and finished the food. 11 people including various kids. SWEET!
No STBXH making me worry that I was talking too much, or that he was missing some TV show or another. I was happy in a way I had forgotten I used to be.
Funny about the TV. I recently gave my kids one I had in my sewing room because I never watch it. Unless it is on the TV radio station....
I hope you are feeling better. I was cycling thru moods today, and think it is a moon phase or something.
Aloha,
Wendy