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Posted By: 8anb Husband has moved in with affair - 02/24/12 08:06 PM
Hi,

I am new to this site. I have been married for 16 yrs, this is a second marriage for both us of. in oct 11 we started having arguements, which this was the first time during our marriage this happened. Each month oct, nov, dec and jan it would happen around a 3 day weekend and my husband would leave and spend the night in a hotel. I soon figured out he was having an affair with a 21yr - mind you we have 5 children between us (including 2 who are 21 yr) my husband is 54. He from the first time we talked in Oct he stated he felt we were beyond counseling but neither of us moved toward divorce and for me this is not an option. We have a good marriage up until this happened. well on 14 feb he moves out and in with affair. during this time he has taken money from his retirement account at work to fund his new place as he did not take anything from the family home - not even all of his belongings. I can assume this has been going on since last summer based on his comments that he has not been happy since then. Also, during this time, we started taking care of our 1 yr old grandchild because his mom is finishing up college this summer. So, not sure what really happened to cause him to have affair or when it may end. I have read about MLC and not sure this is a case or what - when we talk which is every other day or so and he contacts me, he will say he loves me when getting off the phone or if in person - not sure what this means. Any advice for a woman who has invested time in a marriage where family means everything and i really want this to work out. Also, 3 of the children want nothing to do with him and his family will not contact him either since he was avoiding them - if he want to talk with them he has to call - we do not live in the same location.
Posted By: AJM Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/25/12 12:28 AM
Hi 8, sorry you need this site, but glad you are here.
There are some great threads about MLC on this site. I suggest you find them and read them.

In the meantime, there is no sense that can be made of his actions. What you describe is pretty close to MLC if you believe in that term.

Try not to make sense of it. It'll drive you mad...

Hang in there.

AJ
Posted By: punkin Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/25/12 12:52 AM
Welcome 8,

I'm a 2 year veteran of this Board, and I wish I could tell you there is a set time limit for the madness, and a predictable outcome, but that just wouldn't be so. It does sound as if a MLC is exactly what H is going through. Someone should be along shortly to give you some recommended reading. Read it. In fact, print it off. Let parts of it become your mantra in the coming days and weeks.

You will find a wonderful group of supportive friends here, who have been-dere-dun-dat. Feel free to come here to rant, cry, crow, whatever. We understand.
Posted By: MrBond Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/25/12 01:29 AM
Sorry that you find yourself on here. First off, I would suggest that you pick up a copy of DR right away. It should clarify alot of the questions you have right now.

Think carefully. You mentioned that you had a good marriage, but there must have been some issues. It's only natural. Was there anything that your H complained about before?
Posted By: Cadet Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/25/12 02:43 AM
Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/25/12 12:51 PM
No, he never complained. Everything started around Oct as i said - and since we have a blended family the issues were i was keeping him from his two children and family. in actuallity his one son moved in with us a month after we were married - he was 15 at the time and stayed until he was 21. I was on active duty then and had orders to Hawaii and we decided we were going to retire where we currently were - with that I went to HI by myself with the 3 children as his then 21 yr old went to live with his mom as that is where his 11 yr old brother resided. during this time he came to HI every 6 months or more and still things were good. he did feel i cheated on him there which i did not, but admitted to being closer to someone than i should have been. Anyway we move back in Aug 04 and 10 months later his other son moves in and he is now 15. he never would really interact with the family just his dad, when i mentioned it to my husband he would say that is the type of relationship we had and i needed to deal with it - hindsite we should have taken a diferent approach. well in about a year and a half he went back to live with his mom because he felt he was not treated fairly - the child was doing poor in scholl and we are the type of parents that school is your only job and if you do well you can have almost anything you want he could not see this and my husband had even given him leadway but was in agreeance that he should leave. then a few years ago he went through drug rehab and i did not really support my husband on this but he also stated it was ok. so anyway in oct he said i prevented him from seeing his children although we made many trips and i made some alone to pick up his one son - they live in a different state. i have never kept him from any of his family and when we decided not to travel for holidays it was a mutual decison, however, not it looks as if i ma the bad guy. i want my marriage to work and have begun the process to mend the relationships with his two children and it is going pretty well. i am not blaming anyone as i can see where i made mistakes and have improved a lot since then. now he continually talks to this one son who is 21 as the other is in the air force and has not had a good relationship with him in a while. but his one son he talks to about the affair and tells him he has to get used to her as she will be around and is not going anywhere. he still tells me he loves me when we talk and yesterday says he is mentally drained from the situation this week - the situatuion being he and i. i have given him space and told him to call when he is ready to discuss us and mend our marriage but he continues to call to see how the children are or just to see what i ma doing. not sure what that is about. i have read plenty of stuff on MLC and was hoping this was not it as i want this to be a short evolution. i have repeatedly told him i love him and the door is always open for him to come home.
Posted By: Grace_O Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/25/12 05:54 PM
Hey 8,

Welcome and I'm sorry you find yourself here.

There's lots to learn, but it will help you make informed decisions as you move forward.

That 3 of he kids don't want anything to do with him is sad. It is also his to fix. Not yours. All you can do there is not cause any damage. You're right that if he wants to talk, he needs to call them.

I hope you are doing ok today.

HUGS
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/27/12 05:25 PM
hi,

yes there were issues concerning my acceptance of his two sons from his previous marriage. my two children lived withus from the begining ages 5 and 3 and just last year they changed their last name to his because they have that much respect for his as a dad. now he does not give a hoot about them only our daughter we have together. his 21 yr old son who lives here still talks with him as i belive he is not really affected since i am not his mom. once we were married his then 15 yr old moved in with us one month after we were married and stayed until he was 20. the other son moved in when he was 15 but struggled to fit in with the family and my husband and i did not address the situation properly and he returned to live with his mother. overall, the marriage was good but i believe the little issues have built up over time and when his son went through drug rehab it was hard for me to support him and i believe that may have been a turning point - this was about 2 yrs ago, then my daughter had a child which we started to care for last summer so she could go back and finish college. she will be done this aug - which my husband will say that him moving out he has no crystal ball to know how long it will last, but he was thinking that when she graduates she could move there and he would come back home. not sure how this is supposed to work when he has someone else - but has mentioned this on 2 seperate occasions.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/27/12 05:28 PM
well, the weekend was tough with grandchild's first bday it was depressing because my h was not there and we always do everything as a family. he has called me this morning to discuss what is going on with grandchild and our daughter, but failed to ask about two other children as he talks with his child daily. how can i detach when he continues to contact me - only to see what is going on at the house or with the D or GC? and when they get off the phone tell you they love you - how do you deal with this?
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 02/27/12 05:37 PM
on another note, he completed a physical today for extra life insurance for our family - does that mean anything concerning his state of mind? he told me that his state of mind has improved since he moved out - but just on friday said he was mentally stressed over the situation? i sent him a brief overview of MLC and said i think that is what he was going through and needed to get a counselor to help him work through issues, but he insisted of course he has no issues and is doing what makes him happy as he has fell out of love with me.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 03:36 PM
Well, no one has posted a response to me and i am wondering if i am meaningful? i have not spoken to my spouse since monday, 2/27 and although he called me this morning i did not answer. i am trying to figure out how to detach with children as he has text our daughter who will not have anything to do with him at this point. i want my children to continue to love and support their father during this time but do what they have to in order to deal with the situation. i just do not want them to do something they may regret in the future or even worse not to have a relationship with their dad. I am not sure how to react when he calls as i have stated i believe he sends mixed signals. it seems he cares about us, but then i feel he only calls/texts because he wants to know what is going on, but i am not allowed to know or ask how things are with him - just does not seem fair. Any thoughts on his behavior or what might be a good response? i have also been thinking about contacting one of the divorce coaches to for advice if i am doing the right things or should try different approaches - not sure what to make of his actions. don't know if i mentioned this or not, but he took nothing from the house just a few clothing items but left everything does that mean anything?
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 04:19 PM
Hi 8RgB6anb,

I will throw out my .02 on some things, I am sure some of the vets will be around soon with better seasoned advice.

Quote:
how can i detach when he continues to contact me - only to see what is going on at the house or with the D or GC? and when they get off the phone tell you they love you - how do you deal with this?


Do not answer, let it go to VM, etc, UNLESS it is an emergency, especially concerning the kids. Call/email/text him back when YOU are in a good, strong, detached state of mind. If he says he loves you, don't say anything...I have not been replying at all to that (but it has only been said a couple of times the past 8 months or so, I haven't had much opportunity to practice this and see if any effect... smile Let him talk, validate as needed, do not respond to inquiries with much detail..."things are fine" (and fake it if need be). Did you see sandi2's "37 Rules"? Print it up and look at them until they are second nature.

Quote:
i believe he sends mixed signals


He doesn't really know what he wants yet, despite what he says I would reckon. Be prepared for a lot of this...my W has been all over the place on this journey.

Quote:
i sent him a brief overview of MLC and said i think that is what he was going through and needed to get a counselor to help him work through issues, but he insisted of course he has no issues and is doing what makes him happy as he has fell out of love with me.


Don't do this...if MLC, then its his journey...he will NOT accept anything you say, any books or articles will just push him away...if the sky is blue and you acknowledge it, he will say its pink, or lime green...what has helped me a lot is to think of W as a teenager (we just had gotten through our first teenage child going through his process, so had some "training" there). He doesn't think he has a problem, because you were the problem (we know differently, of course, we did contribute to M issues, but...).

Quote:
i just do not want them to do something they may regret in the future or even worse not to have a relationship with their dad.


Not your responsibility. Period. Just try to explain, best you can to them, what MAY be going on (maybe give them some MLC links to read up on).

What have you found to be YOUR contributions to the M issues? We are responsible for some of it, we need to figure out what we are responsible for and decide to fix us.

Some one here said to look at this as a gift of time....time to look within and create the person we want to be for the rest of our lives. I found many of my old roles, while necessary and helpful during the first part of our M, many are no longer needed/useful and need to go.

What have you done for GAL?



T^2
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 04:52 PM
ok, so he has been calling my office all morning and i decided to answer. he just wanted to know how our daughter and grandchld was - did not mention other two children. and since our dryer broke and i had to buy new one - made sure i took care of that and how his son could pick it up to save me the delivery fee - politely said that was ok. other than that proceeded to say he had to go to doctor for illness, but he is doing fine and checking to see how i was. got off the ph just saying bye - i guess he has reduced me to nothing more than a friend. how can i employ any db techniques if he has no contact and does not live with me?
Posted By: Grace_O Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 05:22 PM
Hey 8,

Quote:
i just do not want them to do something they may regret in the future or even worse not to have a relationship with their dad.


You're job is not to damage their relationship with their dad. Nothing else. This is something I have struggled with for the last few years. I get it. What I did was make it clear to my D's they could always call him and if they want to see him, that's fine with me. I want the details so I can have a clue as to what ditch to look in should the need arise to go looking, but other than that, it's between them and their Dad.

Quote:
it seems he cares about us, but then i feel he only calls/texts because he wants to know what is going on, but i am not allowed to know or ask how things are with him - just does not seem fair.


I think it's their way of staying connected, but what they may not see, is that in general, you "share" your life with people it's a way of connecting. When they don't sahre, it's the elephant in the room. It isn't fair. nothing about this is. What I learned to do was talk about D's and some of the things in my life. Your H is actually engaged at least with some of the kids. I know it isn't what you want. Is it something you can work with? That's up to you.

We all know the "I need to go be happy". I think part of them truly wants to be "friends". We've been part of their lives for so long and are the Mother's and Father's to their children. I think they are trying to reconcile what they want with what they've done and need to keep it friendly so they don't feel so bad. Yes, I do believe they feel guilty ane hurt behind the damage, BUT, they need to go be happy. Are they? Arguably.

Quote:
don't know if i mentioned this or not, but he took nothing from the house just a few clothing items but left everything does that mean anything?


My H did the same. In my case did it mean anything? I don't think so, I think it was avoidance. My H is not yours though.

If you have the resources to use a DB coach, I would absoultely do it.

Quote:
how can i employ any db techniques if he has no contact and does not live with me?


You emply them by working on you. That's really what they are about. Then when you do see him or have contact, you aren't a wounded animal. And you will see him and have some kind of contact, if for no other reason than the kids. Does this mean you jump every time? No. It means that right now your focus needs to be you and the kids.

A lot easier said than done. Takes lots of practice.

Since he's living with the A, you need to establish what boundaries you need for yourself too.

HUGS
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 05:26 PM
Quote:
i guess he has reduced me to nothing more than a friend.


It s_cks, is not fair, but be glad in a way that you are not getting the venomous angry spew from him. I have been thankful for the "friend" days, hours or minute or two in my sitch. Lately they are increasing for me.

Something posted on my sitch that may help give you a road map of sorts:

Quote:

Got this off "Work thread for Jack - LBS Stages".
Maybe it helps.

Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 05:39 PM
Hi 8,

First, before you jump on the "MLC" bandwagon let me assure you, it isn't that important to "diagnose" WHY this is happening, but what it is YOU can control and do about it. Plus I'm Not convinced MLCs end faster or with better results than other reasons. As for depression "always" being present...I don't disagree with that

but I think it can be well hidden behind their odd actions...and they may act happy and seem happy like my h did for a solid year before he confessed to me that he was "actually depressed", and he seemed surprised that he was.

I spent way too much time on my h's intentions/plans/feelings and wondering WHY he was doing what he was doing (asking unanswerable questions of the universe, repeatedly and ad nauseum)

when instead,


I could have changed my life and myself and my future and my kids...a whole lot faster. Bond is right when he says detachment is key, and I'll attach a quote about that at the end of this post.


Originally Posted By: 8RgB6anb
No, he never complained.


really? I suggest you think again...

Of course I could be wrong, but I've been here a long time and he'd be the FIRST man to "never" have uttered a word of frustration, or a "sigh",

or show some passive aggressive behavior

Or have less or different sex...

either he's a pathological liar, has a medical/ mental condition, OR you missed some signals from him.

All I'm really saying is to Dig deeper... AND also, if your marriage had "No problems" before all this happened, then in effect you are powerless...

but if there are things YOU can work on to improve and change, then you are EMPOWERED...do you see this?


Everything started around Oct as i said - and since we have a blended family the issues were i was keeping him from his two children and family.


did he SAY anything about you keeping them from you? That's a complaint, btw. Any truth to it?


in actuallity his one son moved in with us a month after we were married - he was 15 at the time and stayed until he was 21. I was on active duty then and had orders to Hawaii and we decided we were going to retire where we currently were - with that I went to HI by myself with the 3 children as his then 21 yr old went to live with his mom as that is where his 11 yr old brother resided. during this time he came to HI every 6 months or more and still things were good.

so you two were apart for 6 months at a time?

Why didn't you remain together? I'm not getting the situation. My h is getting deployed to an unaccompanied combat zone soon, (in the Reserves) but if he were going anywhere else, we'd all be going.

What was the reasoning for being apart so much? I'm a bit confused.



he did feel i cheated on him there which i did not, but admitted to being closer to someone than i should have been.

So maybe some sort of emotional affair? How did you two resolve it? Did you simply drop the subject and hope it was all better? I'm being sincere, not sarcastic.


Anyway we move back in Aug 04 and 10 months later his other son moves in and he is now 15. he never would really interact with the family just his dad, when i mentioned it to my husband he would say that is the type of relationship we had and i needed to deal with it - hindsite we should have taken a diferent approach.

well this^^^ is a big issue...and I submit, a "complaint" of your h's (and of yours). You sound as if you were Not satisfied with what sounds like rude, odd behavior from your stepson, and your h did nothing to address it but tell you to suck it up. Is that an Accurate summation?


well in about a year and a half he went back to live with his mom because he felt he was not treated fairly - the child was doing poor in scholl and we are the type of parents that school is your only job and if you do well you can have almost anything you want he could not see this and my husband had even given him leadway but was in agreeance that he should leave.


(First, it's helpful and easier to read your posts if you write in shorter paragraphs-at least for me reading it...just an FYI)


Second, sounds as if the Stepson was unhappy too, correct? Your h was in agreement that your stepson should leave b/c the stepson wanted to leave, or because he was causing problems, or both?

When was this? And - How did your h behave AFTER his son left?



then a few years ago he went through drug rehab and i did not really support my husband on this but he also stated it was ok.


WHO went to rehab? Your h or your stepson?


And what do you mean when you say you "did not really support your h on this"? What did you want him (your h or your stepson) to do, instead of rehab? Why would you NOT support it?


so anyway in oct he said i prevented him from seeing his children although we made many trips and i made some alone to pick up his one son - they live in a different state. i have never kept him from any of his family and when we decided not to travel for holidays it was a mutual decison, however, not it looks as if i ma the bad guy. i want my marriage to work and have begun the process to mend the relationships with his two children and it is going pretty well.

you cannot change the past OR HOW HE SEES IT and that is a fact that many people have accepting. I know I did. I wanted my h to see our history the same way I did.

But just like two people who see a car accident won't have seen the same exact things, two people in a marriage view their history with different "LENSES" and cannot see things in an identical way.

The past isn't so important, other than learning from OUR mistakes...what matters is that you two see your future the same...that takes time.


i am not blaming anyone as i can see where i made mistakes and have improved a lot since then.

how so? See, the fact is that,

Unless your h believes marriage to you can be better/different,

he will not come back.


Right or wrong, it's up to YOU to show him that changes are being made and that marriage between you two, from this day forward, can be better and different than before.

now he continually talks to this one son who is 21 as the other is in the air force and has not had a good relationship with him in a while. but his one son he talks to about the affair and tells him he has to get used to her as she will be around and is not going anywhere. he still tells me he loves me when we talk and yesterday says he is mentally drained from the situation this week - the situatuion being he and i. i have given him space and told him to call when he is ready to discuss us and mend our marriage but he continues to call to see how the children are or just to see what i ma doing. not sure what that is about.

You MUST read the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy books as soon as possible. I prefer the latter.

It will show you why some of your reactions are not helping you.



i have read plenty of stuff on MLC and was hoping this was not it as i want this to be a short evolution. i have repeatedly told him i love him and the door is always open for him to come home.


Okay first, this will NOT be a "short evolution". This is a marathon, not a sprint.

Don't keep telling him you love him...in fact I'll post some "rules for newbies" after this post.
And since I don't know what 180s (ie new behaviors that are the opposite of what you did before)

are, or how you are GAL (= "Getting A Life") to be less predictable and to help yourself through a tough time

and to GROW, I don't know how to advise you about what to do. I mean, I don't know what you are doing, specifically, to grow and change.

You do HAVE to read the book I & others mentioned to you, b/c the books form the basis of THIS unique approach to saving marriages. The author was on Oprah and is worth studying up on...you will get way more out of posting here, once you have read at least one of those books.

You cannot change HIM. Don't waste energy trying. It backfires and wastes valuable time. You can Only change yourself & how you interact w/him, no matter how long you've believed otherwise.

True, A marriage is a relationship between 2 people,

so when one person in that marriage changes, the marriage itself changes.

So YES one person can change it all (as your h has shown).

So what do You want to work on, in YOU?


He's not writing here trying to save the marriage; you are. B/C of the financial actions he's already taken, You need information b/c knowledge is power.

I'd see a lawyer to get that information asap to protect yourself financially even if you "do" nothing...it helps to KNOW what your rights are.

If you are active duty or retired military, you can get free legal advice from a military lawyer (JAG Corps officer). If not, pay to get an hour's advice--well worth it.

You should know that Statistically, men prepare for divorce, financially, much much more than women. He's ahead of you in terms of planning.

Yes, You can work on saving the marriage AND protect yourself financially at the same time.

I did.

Good luck, keep posting and see if you can answer the questions I asked so I can get a better handle on the situation and what you can do to help yourself.

hang in there...


These are the 37 "Rules" for newcomers assembled/organized by Sandi, (modestly modified by yours truly.)

It consists of principles based on MWD's "Divorce Busting" approach. I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.

FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. Don't make "alliances" with his/her family. It backfires.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you, and it will make matters worse.) In short, No snooping.

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them, and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne/perfume, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant, warm expression on your face.

Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home. You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse...AND be happy regardless.

18. Do Not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. Asking them about noticing your changes makes the change look "tactical", to get them back, and not real or lasting.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. (That's good! Be less predictable.)
Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake", b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! No losing your temper. Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake, and happens to make you more appealing & easy to be around anyhow.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write, or single dramatic gestures.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. Eye contact.

32. Do not believe any of what they say, and less than 50% of what they Do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do Not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do Not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 05:48 PM
Originally Posted By: 8RgB6anb
on another note, he completed a physical today for extra life insurance for our family - does that mean anything concerning his state of mind? he told me that his state of mind has improved since he moved out - but just on friday said he was mentally stressed over the situation? i sent him a brief overview of MLC and said i think that is what he was going through and needed to get a counselor to help him work through issues, but he insisted of course he has no issues and is doing what makes him happy as he has fell out of love with me.


cry
please do NOT "diagnose" him at all, let alone TO HIM...that makes his feelings "wrong" and that does NOT work. Do not do what does not work. (Divorce Busting 101)

This telling him what's wrong with him and sending him literature YOU think he ought to read, will NOT help your situation. Read the books so you understand why this does not help.

And focus only on what YOU can do to work on YOU...let go of him and his issues

b/c it prevents you from doing the inner work you must do on you.

Focus on YOU, not him.


Stay in your sandbox and don't get into his.

Do you understand what I mean?
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 05:51 PM
If you can hire a Div busting coach, DO IT.

I found them VERY helpful and specific. But I urge you to FIRST READ the Divorce Busting book or the Divorce Remedy book.

Is there a reason you have not?

It will help the coach AND YOU, to first read the book and then make an appointment with them. I ended up having about 12 to 15 over a 2 year period and think it was the single best thing I did, (although I also had a great mc I don't want to overlook.)
Posted By: 25yearsmlc Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 05:54 PM
here is a short piece on Detaching and there are a lot of pieces written on the board about this...

but here's a short one...


"This was originally posted by Peanut.
============
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.


Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we say or do things that undermine our goals.


We can NOT control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.

If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.

Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.

Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, "I am not getting what I want so I must pull back."

It is the natural acceptance of the reality that "I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 06:04 PM
thanks for the response. I have not really been focusing on him, when this started in Oct i took what he said to heart and he even commented that he could see the changes in me and he had never seen someone do a complete 360 and he hoped the changes were for me, not him and would continue despite the situtation. I have looked at me and how i treated his children over the years and started on rebuilding those relationships to some degree of success, it is a work in progress and i continue. It is hard for me to GAL, becuase i have a 1 yr old grandchild i am responsible for, a 19 yr old that has a life and a 15 yr old that i am trying to enable to continue on without really being affected. that said, i have started to work on projects around the house such as cleaning things out that should have been done some time ago - this is keeping me busy to some extent. i have let him do the contacting, but it appears he feels the need to contact me weekly or every few days - again it is hard to detatch when they continue to contact. in some ways i feel as though i am now the other woman becuase he only contacts me or our daughter when he is at work - not when he is around ow. anyway, just trying to make it one day at a time, reading the other stories, praying several times a day and attending church regularly helps but not much. i suppose as time goes by it may get easier, but i am trying:)
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 06:10 PM
i have read the divorce busters book and am now on divorce remedies. i have a marriage counselor that i have seen once, but he does not understand why i am willing to stay with a person who is cheating and basically walked away from his family. i am not at all angry with the situation as i am hurt and upset, i have given myself to this person and their family for a long period of time and family means everything to me - this has to do with my own family not wanting me and i have no relationship with them - his family is all i have along with ours. i have been contemplating contacting a coach from this website, one is the cost the second is i am not sure what i expect from them? i have read plenty on mlc and various stages of what to expect and would like to believe once this affair falls through, h will be back with family - not sure what will happen only time will tell. the hard part is trying to function from day to day, as i have said before, he continues to contact me - i am restraining myself as time goes by, but it has only been 2 wks since he left.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 06:39 PM
If I can make one simple suggestion.

If you are posting from a phone, please try to hit carriage return every once in a while.

The long blocks of type are very difficult to read.
Posted By: Grace_O Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 06:50 PM
8,

Quote:
his family is all i have along with ours.


I understand the want/need for family. How I define that has changed in the last few years. I am lucky that I have 2 D's. I have no surviving memebers of my birth family. My ability to connect on an intimate level is not restricted to DNA.

I have managed to form some very close relationships (not romantic) and I foster those. I guess you could say, I'm forming a larger family of my choosing.

Is this something you would do?
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 07:06 PM
I have close friends who are like family, however, i guess in my case family consists of those directly related to me, becuase those are truly the ones i can depend upon at the end of the day.

His two sisters and mom are supportive of the situation and support my decision to stand. His mom actually went through the same thing with his step dad who raised him, unfortunately they ended up divorcing. At the time my husband was very angry with him for that and it has resulted in a broken relationship for the two of them.
Posted By: Grace_O Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/01/12 07:26 PM
I have had difficulty asking for help in my life.

In the last few years, I have been truly touched by people in my life that have gone out of their way to show me I can depend on them. It is not just me that has access to amazing people. Just sayin' wink
Posted By: forward Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/02/12 01:49 AM
I just wanted to say I am sorry...this is the hardest time, right after they move out. I do recommend going dark for a while as this will give you the chance to regroup and get to know yourself again. This can be a very educational process. Fun, even. Please take care of yourself.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/02/12 07:21 PM
just got off the phone with coach who said let H call and be joyful when they do, and to invite H to do things with our d to get him to interact with family in hopes this would work in favor of ending the affair and bringing H back home.
not sure what to do at this junction, but will attempt to work in a dinner for H at the house and see what happens.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/03/12 07:45 PM
okay, so i go to the mall today and specifically park by the store i need and who should be at that store but h. he stopped told me i looked nice, gave a hug and proceeded to talk with d.

as suggested by coach i asked if they could come by house on mon or tues whatever was good for them to help with something - he said yes and would do it mon since he did not have to work part-time job.

just this morning i asked God to give me a sign that things would work out and h would come back to work on marriage - i may be naieve, but was this my sign - i think so. and yest i kept a good, positive, smiley attitude even though it was a mere 15 min or less it seemed like an eternity it made my day:)
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/06/12 12:08 PM
Well, not sure what to think now - h did call work yesterday, but i did not answer and no h did not come by house to help - instead wanted to send our s. So, not a good day.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/07/12 12:35 PM
okay, so is h just having an affair or is this mlc? i have been told he is going through a "me" stage and that he is just having an affair not going through mlc.

How do i know which it is? i have only been at this for 3 wks entering the 4th, but am trying to figure out my course of action based upon what i am dealing with.

when i spoke with the divorce coach, she stated i try and get my h to come by the house for small things in hopes to break up or threaten the affair(h told me he needs to see if this will make him happy, but does not know how long we are to live seperate with me and the children in the house and he in an apartment with affair)

I have tried to get him over on at least 2 occasions, but to no avail, h will not meet for lunch or any interaction with me - also has no interaction with 3 of 5 childre (the 3 that are with me 2 are mine and 1 is ours)

Needing/looking for some advice on what to do? in the beginning i was determined to stay and work through this situation what ever it is, now i am not sure as this is really stressing me and the family out!
Posted By: Kimmerz Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/07/12 01:02 PM
Hi 8anb,

Im glad you posted what DB coach said. First of all remember this is the HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO OR GO THROUGH. Also in Divorce Remedy it talked about MLC and the patience that you will have to excercise. Patience is what I have been the most awful at....and it gets to all of us. Is it MLC or just an affair? It's hard to say. I base my xh as an MLC based on reading MLC for Dummies and so many similar comparisons with many friends here on the board. You can find the MLC of Dummies on the MLC thread. It's under MLC resources. It's a great read and comical....which helps ease the pain! However it fit 95% of what I witnessed my xh go through and act out as.

If you've offered to connect and he's not accepting it, that could be just taken as information right now. It's very hard to remain objective here in a sitch like this and not get your thoughts to carry you away. So right now he may not want to. Keep letting him know the door is open so to speak but carry on " as if" your life is going along ok with out him. Believe me he will take notice. It just may take him a while to accept offers or agree to come by the house for small things. Right now he's probably feeling very torn between you and OW.

10 months ago when xh left, this is how we were....like DB coach encouraged you to be. XH was the one that offered to come back to the house and help with things. He came over all the time to see the kids when I was at work. He text me all the time and acted like my friend like he hadn't in years. In the same breath filing for divorce and not telling me, yet inviting me over for dinner and an overnighter at his new apartment. Personally at that point I had enough of that crap and I put my foot down and started boundaries. I have 0 patience for cake eating. HE did NOT LIKE IT and he became very angry with me. Whether or not OW was waiting in the wings Im not sure, but it was when he got angry with me he made justifications and moved OW in 2 months after we separated.

It's so hard to make solid decisions in such an emotional time. But it's only you that can decide if you want to try and ride this out. Cake eating is huge with these MLCers.

Been following your posts a bit. I can identify with not having any real family around and I feel for you because this is the same sitch I am in. My closest and best friends live far away, as well as my only thriving relative which is my aunt. She's my mom now for the most part, for my real mom passed away 7 years ago. My grandma is still living, 92 and bed bound, with full dementia. Love her so much, but she's for the most part gone.
His family because my family, and of course xh was the one true friend I always thought I'd have, then this! JOY!

So I understand how it feels to be all alone. I also have two children, so Im doing this gig all myself 5 -7 days a week.

hang in there hun!
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/07/12 04:36 PM
Quote: Right now he's probably feeling very torn between you and OW

Not sure I agree with this, h will call every 3 or 4 days just to check on our daughter and maybe ask about grandchild. h is extremely cold in conversations although i remain cheerful.

H called and left message yesterday and it sounded like a business call versus one to a friend, let alone a wife! right now, i am still trying to figure out what to do - stay or go? though i want my children to see marriage is worth fighting for.

In speaking with a pastor and someone who knows my h they seem to think it is an affair that just has to run its course and actually think that 6 months from now there should be some change that would help in what to do in this situation.

just really confused at this point, since my husband is my world and this has been by far the worst thing i have been through; just have to believe being with him for over 17 yrs has to be worth something and make him come to his senses!
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/07/12 06:03 PM
Quote:
just have to believe being with him for over 17 yrs has to be worth something and make him come to his senses!


I feel for you, my W was everything for 20+...it was worth something, you know that, your H does know that somewhere inside, though he is probably hiding it away at the moment.

He has to come to his own senses, we cannot do that for them.

We can show that WE are better than we were, and show that the R will be better than before. And show this consistently over time. That is what we can control. And this is hard to accept (at least it was for me, being a habitual "fixer").

YOU are showing your children that M is worth something, that M and people are not disposable.

Someone else in another thread wrote this, I find it gets me through the tough days:

"Ever wonder if maybe...just maybe, you were chosen to deal with this because a greater power knows that inside...you can handle this?"

Let that sink in and strengthen you.
smile
T^2
Posted By: angel61 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/07/12 10:55 PM
YOu cannot make him come to his senses - he alone culd do that. However, if you want to try to save your M, don't do anything drastic, think it out, breathe and concentrate first on yourself.

Follow the 37 rules - they are a lifesaver.
Posted By: tested metal Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/07/12 11:27 PM
Originally Posted By: Kimmerz

Cake eating is huge with these MLCers.





No Kidding! My W has eaten so much cake it's a suprise she hasn't gained 40 lbs! smile
Posted By: WenikiTiki Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/08/12 06:04 AM
Did someone say cake?
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/08/12 09:38 AM
Hi Banb! Sorry you're in this sitch, but there are many people who can help you here.

If the inviting your H to go out to lunch, or pick things up, etc. isn't working, then I would change course. Look, he's ensconced in an apartment, with a OW in her 20's, who hasn't had much life experience, still innocent to the ways of married life, with children, jobs, and the whole pile that goes with it. I am assuming that to him, this is fresh and different, and very appealing. And she probably thinks she's hit the jackpot with an older guy, who has money to spend ... on her. I am making a lot of assumptions, but since he's not communicating with you in any real fashion, I would say that he is infatuated with her at this point.

So, what to do? Not much you can do, except go dark, do not contact him unless it's to do with finances, business stuff or the children. Protect yourself re finances ... make sure he has no access to large amounts of money that he can spend on his OW. Give him space and time to make a fool of himself (I mean, 54 vs 21 ... she will have far more energy than him, and if she can cheat with him, a married man, I am sure she will have no problem cheating on him). Don't answer the phone if it's him ... you can text him later to find out if it's urgent. In the meantime, take care of you ... GAL, have fun, do not let this sitch get the better of you.

Whether this is MLC, only time will tell. Having an A with a young person could be one of them. Has he changed his clothing, work out more, hairstyle change, to fit in with her and a younger him. Was there a negative event recently? A death in the family, perhaps, or a change in career path? It takes time to get any clarity on that.

Take care, and good luck.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/08/12 12:17 PM
Well, since i do not see him i can only make assumptions myself. First, we have not discussed the finances but crunch time is coming, as h makes more than I and all the $ is needed to run the house we have; but i know i will have to provide some $ so he can live also.

As far as his appearance, no I do not think he has changed, toward the end of summer and last year he started to lose weight - now i know why. However, he was not working out or anything different and I can only guess it was the beginning of all the stress he has placed on himself.

Well, in speaking with a co-worker of his, h has no friends at work becuase they know what he is doing and has done not like they are friends of mine but don't like a man walking out on his family plus he has lied to everyone to include his mom and family.

At this point, like i said above, not sure what is going on - just would like the lies to stop as that would be a good step and possibly get some counseling. H currently lies and says he is being counseled by a baptist minister - yes, she not he is 21 and lives with h. With the position h has put himself in at work, i know that cannot be too wonderful as h also talks/texts ow all day - in what i have read and based on other comments this will/should/may get old - only time will tell.

As for a negative event recently i have come up with the following:
-h retired from military in 97
-i retired from military in 07
-father in law passed away May 09 - h spent much time with his mom helping take care of the house and father in law during this time as he had cancer and they live 5 hrs away.
-h's son went through drug rehab July 09, and because the relationship between me and the son was not good i failed to support h during this time; although i encouraged him to visit a couple of weekends. (the rehab was close to where we live)
- my daughter had grandson Feb 11 and went back to college Aug 11 in which we started full time care of grandson

it was in Oct 11 when h started to state there were issues with the marriage, but also though we were beyond counseling. this went on until h moved out 14 Feb 12 and into apt with ow.

not really sure what to think, as i have been told he is in a "me or selfish stage" and once he comes out of that then things will get better as they do not see it as mlc but just an affair.

h has defended ow to me saying no one knows the ow who is a good person - some would think differently:)
Through it all, i have remained positive, never say anything negative about h or ow and continue to pray they both come to their senses and see that family is important and that is where they need to be. ow has small child maybe 2-3 yrs with boyfriend she left for h.

praying for change everyday, several times a day:)
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 12:27 AM
so, h called and did not answer then called back this afternoon and was upset that when d and myself passed him yesterday we did not wave (we were at a 4 way stop) and last weekend we did not speak to him first when we saw h at the store.

So, the conversation today was a bit frustrating as h was offended we did not acknowledge him and treated as if he were not there:( so sorry. When i stated i can not act the way i want as it will not be received by h he agreed - i proceeded to ask how does h want us to respond - and i do not recall if h answered or remained silent. nonetheless, the conversation ended and i had to meet h at part time job.

well, h looks really sad in eyes, and i asked how long we were to keep going this way - h responded not sure. again he seemed upset that i was not calling or pursuing him via text, phone, or e-mail - not sure but that sounds like a baby step - maybe things are getting to him even if so slightly - not really sure.

well, i will be cutting off further contact as we have nothing to talk about, although as coach suggested, i did mention coming over for dinner next weekend, and he stated he would check - this is the second attempt and if he does not accept i will continue no contact and look for another approach. i did give it a try as the coach asked:")
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 07:13 AM
By your description, it may be a MLC, in which case, you might be in for a long haul. I would say, be patient, continue to do the non-pursuit. This seems to get him thinking. I think the OW wants someone to look after her and her child. Perhaps the exBF wasn't doing so? Pointless, wondering about all this, though. I'm just wondering how he expects you to act, given that he has left you, and now living with OW and her child. I don't see why you should pursue him, or beg him to come back. You're better than that.

You're doing well, for one so soon in this sitch.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 12:07 PM
BTW the child does not live with them, the child lives with the father; not sure how that is working out.

well, today is not a good day as i am questioning why am i putting myself through this? for what? h wants to buy less expensive vehicle but with the ow to save $ and i said that was not going to do - if things change i will have a say - h did not really comment.

again, today is starting rough as i have been questioning myself since awaking at 5 am this is not good. i have an appt with marriage counselor today as well, he will tell me to divorce and move on as he did in the first session - not sure if this is someone i want to keep seeing as they are not open to any other options.

pray for me, as i have already done so, twice on my way to work as i said it is going to be a long day.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 04:01 PM
ok, so looking at other sites and searching the web, one place suggests contacting everyone friends, family, co-workers etc to expose the affair which would put pressure on h and ow to stop?

in my opnion not really sure what this would do other than push h and ow to continue with affair (no different than now) but with an attitude of rebellion or an "us against them mentallity"
any thoughts.......
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 04:42 PM
in my experience from phase 1 of my W's mlc, when I tried to separate them, it would push them together...

OW is messing around with a married man, with kids and a good, willing to work on it spouse...what does that say about her?

Do you think she is deserving of one iota of your energy/attention?
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 04:47 PM
that is what i am saying; i have talked with my pastor and he does not think it is a good idea; i was just looking at what other sites had to say.

my pastor thinks it is just an affair, not mlc, but it is hard to say what it is until time passes, i guess. in it being an affair my pastor thinks it has to run its course, maybe 6 months or so and that h has to come out of this fog they are in which is being infatuated by this ow. again, it is a matter of time passing, which is on my side:) but really hard to do:(
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 05:30 PM
either way, the OP will show their true colors, sooner or later (I know we all would prefer "sooner")...I saw it the first time around, seeing it now...just have to wait for them to "figure it out" that OP is just a fantasy...

My IC suggested I move out...ummm...no...I am NOT leaving my kids, my house, my life, even if I could float the extra $$$...

I like her (my IC) for other issues, but not marriage at the moment (I do think she'll be great with M boundaries and piecing, however).

What can you do for YOU right now? You have time now, while he figures out his sh_t, for you and what you want you and your life to be like.

I have found the mediation that I found for vets with ptsd at patriotoutreach to be very helpful (be still and know exercise) through my sitch...all about forgiveness, making allowances, etc.

Also, search on the forum for the MLC "recipe"...very helpful.

my .03

T^2
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 05:39 PM
what is the mlc recipe?
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 05:43 PM
It is a post I found in the archives a long time ago, I can re-post it here, or maybe Cadet or someone has the direct link.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 05:48 PM
i have the post from cadet when i first came to the site with several links and info about mlc - is that it? doen't specifically say mcl recipe - i am simple
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 05:54 PM
I found this:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=60783

http://www.readersdigest.com.au/10-signs-of-a-midlife-crisis/

http://www.webwombat.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/midlife-crisis.htm
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/09/12 06:00 PM
yup, that would be it (first link).
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/10/12 12:14 AM
ok, maybe some journaling here, but i need some help this has not been a good day for me - feeling really down and hopeless. has anyone had a situation similar to mine in which the spouse returns?

as you know h has decided to move in with ow who is 21 and h is 54. in talking with the pastor who seems to think this is an affair not mlc and once fog wears off, then h will be able to make an intelligent decision as they will not be addicted to the affair.

i am also seeing a marriage counselor who thinks it is mlc and that by h's action he is setting up to divorce me and move on with ow

at this point i am not sure what is really going on; except that i knew when my h moved out he was going to move in with ow - i asked and he told me. since then, h will contact me to see what is going on - as of today i will no longer be answering h's call at work since this is the only place he now contacts me. i will also be staying away from mall as that is where h has a part time job.

does anyone have suggestions or some situations similar to mine that had a happy ending? i know i should be gal, but i am not ready to give up on h and act as if - but at the same time am wondering is there is any hope of h returning?
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/10/12 12:34 AM
My H returned, but it still didn't work out. It is very important for you to GAL, because that is the part about working on YOU. I feel as if I have succeeded because I have done the work on me, and am able to move on with or without H. If he decides to work on himself, and I am interested by then, and he wants to come back, then I will think about it, but it won't be a given.

Your journey has only just begun. Your H can't just walk in from OW's bed, and expect that things will be fine. There's work that needs to be done. And, I bet, he doesn't want to do that work. He wants his cake and eat it too (called cake eating here). I wouldn't take him back, unless he has shown he really wants to come back, by action, not words so much.

Would you take him back now?
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/10/12 12:46 AM
hi,

yes, i would take my h back as i want the marriage to work and i know it can only begin with h realizing what he is doing and being remorseful.

however, at this state h does not want to work on the marriage and i get comments of "not sure where this is going", "i am doing this for me, even though it sounds selfish we could not keep going like we were", and "it's not you its me". I am just confused, as i have stated i can track this affair back to at least oct 11 - which is about 6/7 months and probably a little before then i am guessing just not sure.


in speaking with the counselor and pastor, an average affair last 6/7 months, but not sure how this is going to end since they are living together, h pays for everything and ow brings nothing to the table but sex - which is what my h is addicted to i am told it is like a drug.

so how does one go about ending the affair when h will not? is waiting the only way to get an answer? it really stinks being left and having no say in a marriage a process that started with both of us making a joint decision - who told h he could take away my rights without asking?
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/10/12 12:48 AM
maybe i am part of the problem too, as i told h that the door is always open when he is ready to come home; maybe not the right thing to say but that was also before i found this site
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/10/12 02:50 AM
Quote:
so how does one go about ending the affair when h will not? is waiting the only way to get an answer?


Well, from my experience and all that I have read, here and elsewhere, 3 choices:
a.) Let it die on its own...usually they do once the "honeymoon" is over and twinkle twat learns that H farting in his sleep ain't that hip and predator prick has his CC run up to the limit, and she starts complaining about not having $$ for the latest i-whatever-crap

b.) Issue an ultimatum--here's one from Coach that I have ready to edit as needed should I ever decide to walk the "Last, Last Resort Technique" path:

Quote:
"Wife, you asked the other day what we are going to do. Here is what I decided. I won't live in a open marriage. Unless you break off all contact and we have complete transparency, meaning I have access to your e-mail, cell phone and know where you are going to be. If you can't agree to that then this marriage is over and I won't move out of my house. . If you do agree to that then we will attend MC together and work on the issues that keep us from feeling loved and respected to each other."

Then don't be the next one to speak. She's either in or out. You are letting her off the hook, she get's to choose.


c.) Find a L and file.


One thing to think about: What EXACTLY bothers you about the affair? That she is better in bed? Prettier? Jealous of her youth? ???

Then, what is the root of that? Usually it is fear, and once identified, it can be conquered.

Quote:
it really stinks being left and having no say in a marriage a process that started with both of us making a joint decision - who told h he could take away my rights without asking?


I got stuck on this myself, a hard stuck, but it is essential to accept that YES, IT IS NOT FAIR! But it is REALITY! YOUR reality, his reality, the KIDS' reality... It blows...but it IS. You are letting H and twinkle twat take YOUR power as long as you are in this mindset...and even after you get it wrassled to the ground...it will sneak up on you from time to time (this happened to me this past weekend)...This is why you GAL and focus on your kids and you only.

Let him go play Hugh Hefner...we all know how attractive THAT looks... smile

If I sounded a bit harsh, I apologize, I wallowed in "not-fair" for far too long, delaying the progress through the sitch....

You have a mission, I know you want to complete it. What is the first step in getting to the objective?

You.can.do.this!
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/10/12 03:02 AM
btw, "twinkle twat" ^^^ is originally by snodderly...used w/o permission, but I just couldn't help it...cracks me up.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/10/12 09:14 AM
No bad thing in life is fair ... we have to understand that. We go into our marriages happy, in love, and with the expectation that our spouses will always be honest and trustworthy (as we are, I'm sure). I always said to H that if he is interested in someone else, then just tell me, and we can end it. Let's not be like other marriages where one of the spouses lies and betrays. Did he remember that? NO! He has rewritten our history ... another sign of MLC ... done all the things that I never thought he would ever do, because "I trusted him." Should we not trust anyone ever again? I don't know how to answer that question. When I come across someone who I think I can trust, then I'll let you know. laugh In the meantime, knowing that life isn't fair, I step ahead cautiously, but with hope.

That's muh thought for the day. LOL
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/11/12 09:43 PM
ok, so h has not contacted me for 2 dys - it is also the weekend and h seems to contact me at work only now. spoke with SIL yesterday who spoke with h and stated how upset h was since we did not speak when we saw him - this seems to be something that bothers h as he sees he has no control - i guess.

so, this has not been a good weekend as it was mostly spent in bed crying other than attending church. tomorrow should prove to be interesting as i am sure h will try to call - but i will not be answering. hope this improves the situation and not the reverse of giving the impression that i am not wanting the marriage to work out. only time will tell but i am in week 4 since h left and moved in with ow
Posted By: forward Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/11/12 11:31 PM
Let it die on its own...usually they do once the "honeymoon"

Warning: This can be a long time. However, it usually does seem to happen. From my observation, it takes about 2 years for things to start to get real, when they aren't reveling in their pretend freedom. BTW, there is an actual "love chemical" that sort of wears off over time and enables us to see people for who they are. You will not be able to do anything to make him see the light--at least that was my experience. Neither will anyone else. He just has to go through this on his own. I also foudn that X was very resentful of me for reasons I did not (and do not) understand. His spewing hurt me deeply and although I accept that I might never get it, one reason I continue to come here is a small hope that I might get an apology, or maybe a little recognition. I really can't count on that, though. But with that said, forgiveness is a difficult process and not a snap sort of thing.

But there was no reasoning with X. He did not come back, but did make some halfhearted gestures in that direction. I am worth more than halfhearted gestures. And so are you.

I know from my experience that you are in one of the hardest phases. Anything that you can do for yourself, however small, will be helpful. Get re-acquainted with YOU. I would also urge you to examine the R carefully once some of the initial pain has worn off. You may find that YOU were the one who was settling for halfheearted, lame involvement. And what I have done is ask myself Why? Why was I willing to settle for that?

I still feel some pain around X. I think that I always will. There were some good times. Sometimes I miss him. But when I do, I think of all the things I do NOT miss. I also find myself realizing that I deserved better all along.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/13/12 11:27 AM
ok, so it has been 4 dys since h last contacted me - trying to keep busy is hard. my d from college is home and i cannot even enjoy time with her - i am so depressed. the therapist thinks i should go on an anti-depressant and maybe that is what i need.
going day to day feeling as if no one cares is getting to me. i have a friend who's never been married who cant understand why i am so down. well, we will see how the day goes.....
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 12:43 AM
ok, so i could not stay at work and my boss is really concerned for me when i am left alone - wow this situation is taking its toll and it has only been 4 weeks.

well, h has not contacted me since last thurs and today is tues - what is that 5 dys and not even attempted to contact d. i understand ow had child with them this past weekend so when i read some things about being left behind, the h is literally replacing his family with ow's.

i am trying to see if h has some narcassistic tendencies as they are totally self consumed and care about no one else. we'll see how things go tomorrow - i would like to think h will contact me at some point to see how d and gc are at a min if not to ask about other things.

detaching when h does not contact should be an easy thing, right? the silence is deafening.....
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 12:45 AM
one last thing, i am still hoping to save my marriage as i have put this in God's hands and continue to pray several times a day. my favorite movie is "it's a wonderful life" in the end everything worked for him when he saw how things were without him; i am hoping to have the same ending as soon as h realizes what his actions are truly costing and the collateral damage left behind....
Posted By: Kimmerz Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 01:16 AM
Hi 8anb,

No Contact was the hardest and most alone time I had ever felt in my life. yes the silence is deafening. It really is, but over time you will get used to it. It's not fun and you may feel more alone with NC than you ever have during this. I know I did. I didn't realize how accustomed I had grown to having contact with my H. It took some getting used to the NC, but it was the best thing for me. By one month of NC I was used to it. By 2 months I was starting to realize I didn't need him for anything and that I can depend on me or others for things I'd normally turn to him for. By month 3 I was getting good and detatched and feeling good about myself. Self esteem rising and knowing that Im ok alone! I will be ok!

Then at the end of month 3 communcation started again due to parenting plans w/divorce and Holidays with the kids. It started with lovely spew from him, but then worked into amicable exchanges. I won't lie as time went on and the communication has gotten more, and we've basically gone back to serious parenting together again, and it has shaken me to the core. I've had to re evaluate all my feelings for him again and sort them out. It hasn't been a picnic and many feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal, then love, and being grateful to him have been juggling around too.

I agree that the time away and NC can play a big part in them coming out of the tunnel and facing reality. But it takes a long time, some MLCers more than others. Life just has to happen, and reality will always find a way. It's just never on our time table that we wish for. Putting it all in God's hands and reminding ourselves that God is in control helps very much. I haven't been very patient with God's timing, but Im working on it.

I think that perhaps time, NContact, and a big dose of reality biting him in the butt has happened to stbx for he's still going strong with positive changes that are even blowing me away. He's acting like the man I married and fell in love with time and time again. Sad thing is, he's with the OW. But now I realize I really don't have anything to feel jealous of at all in regards to her or them together.

Hang in there, you've just begun the most difficult part of the journey, which is the process of letting go of him and grabbing ahold of you!
Posted By: TSquared2 Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 02:56 AM
Hi Kimmerz,

Could you expand upon this some more? Seems a twist of detaching I haven't read about before (or remember, with the reams of material I have tried to digest through this ordeal)...

Quote:
But now I realize I really don't have anything to feel jealous of at all in regards to her or them together.


Thanks!!
T^2
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 11:38 AM
thank you for the comforting words. I pray everyday for my h to find his way, this whole situation is very confusing and hurtful to say the least.

for me a comforting thought about the ow is the age difference between my h. not sure this really has the potential to last, but am sure others would have thought the same thing. i continue to move forward, praying for all parties involved and return of h sooner rather than later.

trying to have a better day and at least remain at work - because i cannot afford to lose my job!
Posted By: Kimmerz Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 12:03 PM
Hello T^2

Im assuming you meant my comment about me not having any reason to feel jealous about H and OW.

Well first of all this didn't happen overnight and I still have a twinge here and there, but it's getting better over time. But for me what's worked is being rational about this situation and what I do know about this OW and how I know stbx.

Quite frankly I get the idea he's stuck with someone that won't get a job and is using him as a meal ticket. She has no desire to connect with my kids (however my kids don't want to connect with her) she hasn't had a job in 3 years and isn't even looking for one. Apparently she's milking unemployment for all it's worth. According to my kids she rarely ever gets out of her Pj's and is on the computer all day long. She sleeps very late and naps during the day too. Yesterday stbx had kids and their cousin on a snow day. He took them out to breakfast while she slept in. Her family repuatation and drama....that's a whole other ball of wax. I won't even get into that.

Why be jealous of that? Just because my H chose her? My ego suffers a big bruise because the rejection alone is horrible. But whatever. If he's content supporting someone and working himself into a frazzle over a piece of A$$ and is infatuated. I have his financial support, but I am working full time, raising my kids on my own, and running my own house hold and my affairs. I do not need him to do this for me and I don't expect anyone to be my next meal ticket, nor do I wish to play games to get someone to do that for me.

I guess I could twist it around and make it look like he's pissing cirlces around her and keeping the kids out of the house so she can sleep. Or he could be so infatuated that he's willing to work his butt off to not only support him and her and me and my children with no problem because he's so happy. But whatever

I've outgrown him a long time ago. Its just the disappointment he didn't want to grow with me, and my ego being so brusied over being rejected.

I hope that helps, if not ask me more quesitions Im happy to answer.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 01:32 PM
ok, so does it mean anything that i am trying to detach and now h has cut all contact?-good sign or bad sign - he is living with ow.

not sure if this will bring to light each of their behaviors which will cause the a to end or if it will fuel the a to continue

just some thoughts and was wondering if anyone had any input...

also, i am not a dreamer, but kept having the same dream last night in which h returned home during the night - it was almost surreal then i woke up to find myself alone.....
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 02:28 PM
There's been a lot of study on dreams and some people believe that there is significance to them. A more recent study suggests that dreams are simply a way of the brain to purge and that what ever imagery you are visualising in your dream is irrelevant to the purging and processing of the brain.

The likelihood is that your dream is simply something that is on your mind and during your sleep, your brain wanders to that. So certainly, you may want to consider why your brain wants to consider your H has returned home. If you don't want the dream, again, studies show that you can thought change, even during a dream. Otherwise, you are likely dreaming about it because you WANT to dwell on it. Why?

It might be helpful to read up on pursuit/distance if you have not already done so.

There is a lot of discussion that goes on regarding that and whether it is possible that by going no contact, the other spouse will distance further.

Your H is living with the OW. Do you think he is doing that to test you to see if you will chase him? Do you think he's with the OW and thinking, "well, if she really loved me, she would come after me."?

Yeah... probably not so much...

The only way that you can interfere with his desire to be with the OW is to be the more attractive option. But you can only successfully be the attractive option if you are doing it for YOU, not for him. And when there is contact, he will see those qualities... that value... in you...

And if he chooses to be attracted to it, then great...

And if he chooses not to be, then... he's likely a fool...

or he has decided to simply "settle" for the OW...

The most difficult thing for the LBS is when the WAS/MLCer says, "if only you had fought harder for me" or "too little, too late" or "you never... [insert some other form of projection, here]"

Generally speaking, people don't run FROM... they run TO...

Even when someone says that they are running from an abusive R (which is a GOOD thing), they are actually running TO safety, as much or more so than they are running FROM their abuser. That's noted in the many situations where a person will stay in an abusive R because they are "scared" or "they hurt me, but deep down they are good people and care about me". "Flight", or running from, is a spontaneous condition. Otherwise we tend to move towards a better option.

So again... at this time, don't worry about whether he will notice, because he will... eventually... so how are you becoming a better option?
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 02:41 PM
to answer some of the questions, i can say:

initially, in oct when things started to change, so did i, changing or acting on what h said were issues - then i recieved the "too little, too late comment".
when h left he said it was to think about what was best for him and h needed to see if this would make him happy - for now i would say yes.
when h first left, i stopped contact via email, text, ph or anything and h initiated contact - he asked for space and i have given that.
it is hard for someone to notice a change when they are not around to see those - i do not go where places i know h will be, as i do not want to have an ackward situation and know h will only speak if our d or gc is with me - chances are if i am alone h would not speak.

so, my only hope is for a to end and h to realize what they want.... to remain m or move on. i have to hope and believe h will realize the age difference is too great to really amount to anything and ow is the same age as 2 of our children - which is gross to say the least:(
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 03:02 PM
On happy, it's only an assumption that he is happy. If your H gets those chemicals generated in his brain and body that come from a new lust... then he gets to feel "happy"... but it's temporary. If he is actually capable of leaving you, moving in with someone else, and "finding his happiness" with no further thought about you or his past... then there is something wrong with him at a core level and I'm not sure why anyone would want to be with someone like that...

No, more likely he gets happy, then the OW does something and it triggers the "do I really want this" thought... or other life gets in the way... he isn't "happy" in the way you want to believe... or in a way that he'd WANT you to believe and says he is... he'll tell everyone he is happy ALL THE TIME (which is a lie as humans are biologically incapable of that), and try to project that, so that he can prove that he made a good and right decision... even if it's to convince himself...

The first things he offered as the "reasons" were probably just him stretching the truth. That those "things" really weren't that important. He was just giving you bait so you'd leave him alone and work on your "problems".

He asked for space, you gave him space... and you thought that by giving him the space he had been asking for, that he would change his mind and start closing that gap...? Yes, that's the game of pursuit and distance, but just because it is generally in play, doesn't mean that they will... they may need to be away much longer than we expect... which is the problem... expectations... that if we give them what they ask for, they will change their mind and direction...

Ponder this... exactly WHAT does space mean?

The truth is, it means absolutely nothing...

It is simply a word... a phrase we use to say, "I need quite time to think about things"... or "I'm saying it to distract you as I continue to leave"... or "I hurt all over, emotionally, and just need to drop out for a while"...

Unfortunately, the word is intended to be abstract enough so that the person saying it does not have to confront what they are currently thinking.

The harsh reality that you need to face is... what if...?

What if... he never comes back...?

Because the reality probably is... that's what you fear the most, right now... and it could happen...

so...

what are you going to do about it? If he never comes back... how are you going to tackle your life and make it the best you can, for yourself... for your kids...?
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 03:04 PM
oh, and yes... while you want to be a better option than the OW... it's not actually a competition... at least not against her...

It absolutely appears that when there is an OP, there is a high probability that there can be no R.

The affair spouse needs to choose.

Right now... your H is choosing the OW...
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 03:27 PM
i agree there is no chance of r until h gets rid of ow. and yes, it is obviuos the ow is current choice. i am hoping/praying once h comes out of this fog and "me/selfish stage" he can see collateral damage caused and realize he wants to work on m and reconciling with family.
currently, 3 of 5 children have no relationship with h, and 1 is deployed in military and has not had much contact over the years.
h feels pressure at work as they have lost respect among co-workers and bosses due to lying to them as well as actions of abandonment of family
h is meal ticket to ow and ow also has history of drugs and cheating on last person multiple times - so with all this "going" for ow it is my hope this a dies down quickly.
h's family does not speak with h (they live elsewhere) but when h does they politely remind h to review actions and what do they expect to be different this time versus last...
not like h is listening, but as time goes by hopefully (for my sake) it will get better.

trying to gal for me is extremely hard, as everything was done as a family unit. now, it is just myself, d, and gc. there are 2 children in college - 1 away and 1 at home but with their own life not wanting to spend with mom of all people, as if! and the other child is biological child of h, not mine, therefore, chooses not to deal with me at all
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 07:35 PM
Yes, if OW is a drain on him (financially and emotionally demanding) then hopefully he doesn't have the stamina to stick it out, long...

but...

how long has he said he's not been happy with you? If he were a sane man... then you could expect that he has the stamina to stick it out (almost) as long with OW...

alternately...

if it doesn't work with OW... and he sees the colateral damage... and really looks at and says, "oh wow...! I can't overcome that..." he may just find another OW or decide to stay away...

unless the collateral damage goes away...

That's not to say you hold him harmless and it's not to say that he shouldn't have to work for it...

but... you need to be an attractive option... one that is more attractive than the challenges that might face him if he DOES choose to come back...

and if he's NOT sane... if he is MLC... then understand that once he's ready to come back into the R... when he is ready... done with the MLC... he is likely not going to be the same man that you married... this is not uncommon... the alien doesn't necessarily leave... it just becomes less volatile...

You may have to wrap your head around the possibility that your H is really "gone"... that his physical body will never contain the man your married. That a R with him will be no different than building a new R with someone else... So any baggage or collateral damage... well... it won't really be his...

Time to do a little house keeping while he's on vacation...

GAL can be hard, but it doesn't have to be. You'll eventually find your groove. Don't beat yourself up because your priorities are getting used to being single and being a single parent. Things will get better... and then will get easier... and eventually, you'll be a better version of the past you...
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 07:43 PM
well, this all started in oct (so about 6 months now) is when he first brought up the idea that things were not going well. based upon what he said i tried to correct those things, that is when the too little too late comment came.

h stated he should have left last summer, that is around the time the interest of the ow came to be (i believe). overall m was good and h is was sane person as of late not sure what to expect.

i will start with gal and try to move forward as there are many positives in us all. as this is 2nd m for both of us, i have already expressed to h that d was not an option and h could always come back. with that said, the ball is in h's corner and yes in the event h does return it will be then the hard work starts.
Posted By: MrBond Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 09:24 PM
"i have already expressed to h that d was not an option and h could always come back."

Don't mention things like this again. He has to feel that he will lose you if he doesn't do something.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 10:12 PM
this was done right before he left, after h left and stated he needed space i quit contacting h and only speak when h contacts me. initially it was every 3/4 dys now it has been a week. not sure what to do those who know say just d and move on, this is what the lawyer and the therapist said. it is a tough spot to be in and MIL states her x went through this also and that i should d also
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/14/12 10:28 PM
That IS what lawyers and therapists say... so do family members... friends... members of the clergy... you name it...

"You don't deserve this"
"Go find your own happiness"
"These things never work out"
"I told you he was a no good, good for nothing $#%*"

They could be right...

They could be wrong...

It's up to you to take their advice... or take your time and come to your own decision as you think things through and weigh the pros and cons...

Because the only people who have a right to have any say, decision, or choice in the survival or demise of the M are the two who are M.

It's called "standing"... and some stand long enough to save their M... some stand for the rest of the life and never R... and some... make a choice to stop standing once they are ready to let it end...

That's just a long and wordy way of saying, do what is right... FOR YOU...

And just an FYI... some WAS actually disappear and are not heard from by their LBS for months at a time... it could be worse... and it MIGHT get worse... but it does get better...
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/15/12 08:23 AM
Did you see the Dr. Phil show on Tuesday? The guests were a 41 yo man, and 18 yo girl, who are living together. He had been her teacher. He left his wife/children and resigned his job, so now he's jobless (can't support wife and children or the 18 yo OW). The teen's mom was a guest too, and she is livid over this.

Seems it's happening quite a lot. My D24 got involved with a man 15 years older than her when she was 18, and we tried everything to get her away from him, but she was so enthralled and infatuated with him, that there was nothing we could do. Now she has 3 children (whom I love dearly), and the old dufus is still there. She's starting to wake up, I think, by some comments she's made. He was also married with 2 children, although separated at the time he met my D24, which is no excuse (we heard that she left him, just cleared out and took off with the kids, but I'm not sure if I believe him ... he likes to act the victim). I don't think D24 knew. He is the biggest liar I've ever met, but not even clever about it.

Anyway, just want to empathize with you.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/15/12 07:19 PM
well, saw h for first time in a wk today, they have to come to my work every 2 wks; so i made sure i looked pretty nice - a little more than normal.

well, they greeted me with a hug and you look nice, after which i left and did not see them again. although once i walked off they did go to my area to look for me, but as i stated, i went somewhere else and h could not hang around as they had a meeting to attend.

i am told by someone who knows (not like my office does not -they know something is wrong just not what) that as an outsider looking in one could not tell there were any issues between me and h - not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

anyway, h just spent approx 100 dollars at the health store, guess trying to be you comes at a price - whether its aches and pains or trying to stay in some sense of shape - not sure what. the things i see/know are happening just lead me to wonder what could these people be thinking and can it really last that long before the light comes on and you realize a mistake has been made?

well, tonight am going to free dinner where my s just started to work, so it should be a nice evening out:)
Posted By: BeingMe Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/20/12 07:06 AM
Hi 8anb, hope you had a good dinner last night at your son's work. Good GAL activity ... meeting new people, and hanging out with family/friends.

If your H is in MLC, there is no making sense of what they do, or what they think. It may last long, or it could be over tomorrow. There's just no telling. Just GAL, and you might find that when he is ready to come home, you won't want him anymore. DB'ing is for YOU, as I'm sure you know.

Take care.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/20/12 01:54 PM
i had a good time - although it took forever for my food to come out- it was free so i did not complain. it is a new restaurant and they are still getting it together.

anyway, i continue to pray for h everyday to have strength and courage to get through this and for our family to have patience, courage and understanding with h during this time:)
i have not had the best in life, and sometimes wonder what i did to deserve this then realize that God does not give one more than we can handle - but my entire time with h has been great and i continue to pray God does not take h away from me during this process.

well, i am trying to gal with d this weekend as gc will be with other family. looking forward to a movie or shopping.
and yes, i truly believe h is in mlc - these actions could not be anything but that
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/23/12 12:09 AM
okay, so saw h today at my work and told him i missed him and h said "i miss you too". I know that i should not have said that, but it was good to see him and I really miss him.
h had been calling the past few days, i just did not answer the phone - h only calls me at work and does not leave a message. I know h is currently "moving on" with ow as if it were real, i.e. they are married or an actual couple. what i mean is they are living life as if h is single with no family or worries and life is good.
h has done things in the last 5 wks since moving out/in with ow that seem odd to me, but i am trying not to read into anything. such as, taking a physical for xtra life insurance a policy that i took out for both of us; h states he is unsure of how long we will live separate as we are; still has all his belongings at house and yet has not gone out and bought new stuff (clothing specifically); still has family pictures and christmas picture of us at up at the office.
Again, not reading into anything, just weird stuff to me at least. well, this weekend d and i are going out of town (about an hour or so away) to shop and just get out of this town for a bit so that should be nice.
if anyone has any comments or suggestions, i am open to them. i still pray daily, several times, that h will come to senses and return - although i do not forsee the a with the ow to end anytime prior to the next 5-6 months or so:( and until that ends i see no way for progress to happen.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/26/12 04:36 PM
ok so had an alright weekend, went away to shop and spent time with d. next week is spring break and we are going out of town to visit friend for a week.
in the meantime, spoke with h on friday who was upset that i was not communicating to him and stated we need to keep the lines of communication open - not sure what h wants. if i contact him he does not seem open to communicate, however, when h contacts me he wants to communicate and talk when it's for his convenience.
over the weekend, saw h at his part time job so he could see d, which was nice for them both. H acted as if things were ok and the sitaution was alright.
i was also told by someone who knows h that h stated even if current ow does not work out, h is not returning to house/family - is this normal? still trying to figure if h is in mlc or just wanting out of m - anyone have any insight???
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/26/12 04:52 PM
Yes, they say that. Mine did.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/26/12 04:56 PM
So, does h just want out of the marriage or is h in mlc?
Posted By: job Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/26/12 06:25 PM
Most likely both. In MLC they think that we are the problem, as well as the relationship. Therefore, they want a divorce and many will not even attempt to work on the relationship after they have entered MLC. Once they get divorce into their heads, very very few will opt not to continue to move forward with the action. Many will kick and scream divorce and will stall along the way, others will charge right out the gate and get it done. For those who kick, scream and then stall, many of the lbs will eventually get fed up and file themselves. Why? To protect what is left of the assets, not be liable for what their spouses are spending funds on, etc. Many lbs will eventually get tired of the bs after a long period of time and just file in order to move on w/their lives.

I know that this may not have been the answers you were looking for, but you need to prepare yourself for whatever your spouse may throw your way.
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/26/12 06:37 PM
Mine just had an aversion to the old "ball and chain scenario". Marriage in general made him ill. He stopped wearing the wedding ring and did not want any responsibility related to family. He even said to me while married, "the dating scene out there is horrible", WTF......

Snodderly's advice is excellent. Protecting the marital assets at this point is key. My ex was on a wild wild spending spree, spending $50,000 - 70,000 per month on himself. I filed for divorce to save the assets. He did not care what he did.
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/26/12 06:40 PM
I really believe my ex would not have divorced me. He told me so just recently in fact ( not like that means anything). He continully stated he wanted out, that he was not in love me, etc.... I don't think I could have standed it much longer. Once the money started flying out the door though, I had to take action.
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 03/27/12 06:41 PM
Thanks for the response. At this point I have not idea what is going on with h. Just saw them yesterday and seems to be more self absorbed with himself - no shame in texting ow while d and myself are standing there. when things first started, h would at least try to hide what he was doing, not now.
currently, thinking i will hold on for a bit just to see where things go - as long as h does not move maybe i will not either and we will see where this gets us......
Posted By: 8anb Re: Husband has moved in with affair - 09/07/12 01:57 PM
So, its been over 6 months since h left. Well, the support of his family has dwindled, his son does not speak to me or the 3 children with me; h is continually avoiding me acting as if I do not exist - not that i have tried to talk with him -but he has to come by my office for business and who does not stop by to speak to their wife?
he recently spent huge amount of $ to take ow to dr - as she must not have insurance and supposedly visited his mom by himself. i find this hard to believe since it has been over a year since he was at his mom's house and continues to tell his family they need to accept ow as they are together now.
h has not mentioned anything in reference to family nor does he know what goes on day to day at the house - i.e. the dryer broke, then the washer, the hotwater heater had to be replaced, the mower broke and there are huge problems between my son and me - as he never respected me but loved my h. i think son is mad at the situation as well as the other children and i get the brunt of the anger and problems.
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