Well, I have been reading along on a number of threads, and I have reached a place in my own situation where increasingly it makes me laugh more than it makes me cry.
Yes, it has been hurtful, very, and financially a bit of a disaster. And I agree that mostly we can simply pray for them, but let's not forget in all of this that they can be pretty funny [unintentionally].
And so I am in a new phase when I think of him as a sort of cartoon character or pantomime character, all swirling capes, and appearing and disappearing with flashes and bangs. Two dimensional, and like most demon kings, not hugely empathetic.
I am not calling my h bad names here - I loved him dearly, respect who is was and what he tried to do as a husband and father before all of this overtook him, but sometimes you just have to laugh . . . . .
It might help anyone at a difficult time to think of their MLC as over the top, hopelessly dramatic and self dramatizing, and frankly a bit of a cardboard cut out.
I see mine as a shell full of emptiness. Lets keep the irony going!
Funny, because I have been seeing my H differently. He grew an absurd goatee, which makes him look older and frankly, a bit silly. He always had a strong chin, anyway...... not doing himself any favors!
My sister now calls him Col Sanders, because it is mostly gray/white hair.....
But yes, it is like a cardboard cut out!
My sister now calls him Col Sanders
Lol
Somebody need to tell guys our age, that hiding their double chins with a white beard just doesn't work
Just wait for the hair plugs!!!!!!
Oh, mine went the other way, i.e., dyed his hair and his mustache...for his complexion color, the dye was a bit too dark.
I have to put some thought into this--I don't have a character in mind automatically to represent my XH--but I really just like the idea of seeing them as a caricature, a figure in some crazy MLC graphic novel, "MLC-Man!" "He goes from sweet as pie to raging angry SOB in a matter of days!" "He's got the power to change his form at a moment's notice!" "He's got a sad sidekick called OW who leeches out his goodness!!"
LOL. It writes itself, really.
Cyrena was the one who likened an MLC'er to the Beast in Beauty and the Beast. And just like the princess in the story, we have to hold the Beasts hands as he goes through his angst, his beastly tantrums, until he emerges on the other side as the prince.
But in real life - my H on the other hand really improved his looks a lot during the crisis. He obviously was one of those who did not want to face his getting into middle age and wanted to look young,so he lost weight, put on muscle, started to dress nicely, and over all, looked really good. Now that is one thing I would want him to keep, post MLC! Its helps to have a good looking spouse if you want to fall for him all over again!
angel,
Yes, it would be nice if your h can retain/maintain his good looks, but as the old saying goes, looks are only skin deep. Let's hope that the mlcers that look youthful at the end of their crisis not only retain/maintain their good looks, but that they also come out as mature individuals who are now ready to go forth and serve as mentors and provided guidance to others along the way.
Mine has now slicked back his hair and it does look darker. He grows a beard then shaves the beard / grows the beard then shaves the beard. Weight goes up and down. But he makes it clear that being rid of me is worth the sacrifice of everything else.
Doesn't make him look good:)
This is a really crazy one!! I received a really nice email from my divorce lawyer today. She copied an email that she had received from xh a few days ago while she was away, telling her that she had misinformed me about whose role it was to tell the fund manager about the financial settlement details, and that she owed me at least an apology.
The context of this is that there was a total mix up following the financial settlement about my receiving money owing to me, and my xh was totally unco-operative about releasing information etc, which added at least two months on to the whole process of setting this right.
I had told him very clearly, about a couple of months ago, that it was the trial lawyer, and not my lawyer, who advised me that it was the Court's role to inform the fund manager, and that as he lived and worked on that circuit he might be assumed to know the rules!
I also told him I had no wish to complain to anyone about any of this, but wanted to get on with my life.
Why has he suddenly become my knight in shining armour I wonder?
Fwiw I have noticed, among all the erratic behaviour, a noticeable attempt to see and become more involved in the lives of his children, but all without making any amends, or acknowledging that he might have messed up . . .
So the latest flash and bang is xh as my champion!! My lawyer and I had to laugh about it. She has been doing this for more than 30 years, and never encountered anyone like me XH. Not really a record I wanted, but it is good to know it isn't just me.
Bea,
Do you think he may also wanted to make sure you know that any of the delay in settling the financial matter was not his fault?
Very curious...
SA - some of the delay was down to him. The fund managers told me he refused to co-operate when they finally received the Court order, and they had to threaten him with sanctions. He does not know I know this, and also does not know that my lawyer forwarded his email [we developed a good relationship dealing with my xh!!]
Whoever 'caused' this it was not my lawyer . . amd frankly, as I told him, I just wanted it settled, and get on with my life. I am not interested in apportioning blame, but he clearly is. More PS behaviour?
Bea,
I do remember you saying that some of the delay was caused by him. That's why it's so curious that it seems important to him that he wants you to believe it wasn't due to him???
Bea,
I think it is PA behavior and the reason I do is that he thinks that you are not communicating w/him because you think he was the hold up...which you know he was to some extent. He's now trying to pin the blame on your lawyer, not realizing she was not the cause of the delay.
Somewhere in his foggy brain, he is hoping that you will hear about this from your lawyer and you will contact him and say "thank you for taking care of this for me". He doesn't have a clue that you know the story and yes, he's trying to get your attention the only way he knows how...money and lawyers. If I were you, I wouldn't say one word to him about this. I would let him squirm long and hard and see just what he does next. He really doesn't know how to reconnect w/you and he sure doesn't know how to apologize like a normal, rational human being.
Bea, your life's story will become more interesting as he squirms to try to find some common ground w/you. Whatever you do, do not get angry...he is trying to grow up, but w/the PA behavior, he honestly doesn't know what to do.
Hi Beatrice!
How goes it in your world?
I was thinking about youu today.
Wendy
Thank you all for the funny ways you see your MLCer's. Made me smile on a sad day. (W moves out of state in a few weeks.) I imagine that my W has a spinning head sometimes because she changes her mind so quickly and drastically.
Me:51 W:41
T:10 Domestic partners and M:7
Bomb:7/11
S:10/11
much back and forth
W decides to move cross country: 2/12
Life is good. No flashes and bangs from the Demon king. Or any contact at all for that matter, which is even better. I am so happy to have got beyond and away from the madness. I really empathise with what you are going through. It is the worst bit, when they are in such turmoil.
I am busy and happy. Miss what I had, but very much OK. Had lunch with an old friend today who got married again at Christmas I wondered if I would feel that I was missing out, and I really didn't. Very happy for her, but realised i LIKE my life.
Thanks for stopping by.
Yes it can be glorious when they leave us to peace and quiet rather than the alternative spewing and disrupt.
My .02c worth re the comic book character ... my H is the Phantom. He appears one minute and is gone the next, for long lengths of time. Unfortunately, he doesn't have the heroic characteristics of the Phantom. Not anymore. Sadly, and the better for me, I don't miss him anymore when he's gone.
I'm glad that you're busy and happy, Beatrice. I have stages like that. Unfortunately, I spend a lot of time alone, and need to get out there and meet new people. It's just so easy to live inside my head (doing a poetry online course, and at school so constantly busy with projects/assignments). Oh well, I might crawl out of hibernation when the spring rain stops.
Hey Beatrice!
You said you were going through a rough patch recently. I had noticed you were quiet. I don't always have much to offer. But I will tell you I enjoy reading your posts.
The truth rings through like a bell. I am still so wrapped up in all the "What ifs" and "Whys" that I sometimes need to hear it 10 times.
I have re-wired my thinking. I try to keep sane. I read peoples threads on here and it has been YEARS and they haven't moved on. Or they move on and repeat their mistakes. I am trying to learn and grow.
But I feel like a bush that has had half itself lopped off in a decidedly bad pruning job. I know that with time and some better pruning I will grow back symetrical. Again, time is what it will take. Maybe a couple of years.
And then again maybe I will end up as some fantastic topiary that looks nothing like the little bush it started out as.... What shall I be?
Anyway, Sorry for the hijack. I hope things get better for you!
Bea, my friend, I wanted to stop by as you said you were going through a rough patch.
It creeps up on you sometimes, doesnt it?
But I know that because of who you are, you will get through it in your wonderful way, with strength and courage.
You are in my prayers always.
Bea,
We are all here for you. The rough patch will take its course and you'll see a ray of sunshine after the dark clouds have passed.
Sending you positive thoughts today!
Thank you all so much - it is part of really letting go, and seeing the MLCer for what they are and have become. Like I said, some of them come through MLC but haven't faced their demaons, and are so much less than they were.
Realising how diminished by xh is is so sad. But every time we go through a rough patch we find a better place . . . . .
This is a great place. And one reason I am positing less is my life is very full and busy and present!!
Btw I love the image of a badly pruned bush - you will become a beautiful piece of optiary again.
How could I have missed this...wonderfully titled thread?
It is awesome, as is the imagery.
B,
I have and always will say this:
I would rather be the LBS than the MLCer.
To lose all trust and respect you have garnered your entire life from friends and family...to have squandered it all?
To have to choose blind pride and go forward with life made from bad decisions, or to become so humble as to try to gain your way back and know people hold judgment on you and what you did regardless of your choice?
LBS WAY easier.
My wife was fragile when she came out of it...like glass, broken glass that could still cut, and fragile all the same.