Tad's Overdue Update - DivorceBusting.com

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Remember Me? Seems like I've been gone forever. Thanks to everyone that has followed my sitch and given me words of encouragement. My previous thread is here:

I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

First I apologize if I seem to be rambling, but there is a bunch to type and will just type as it comes to me.

***MY SITCH***

Not much change. XW continues to see OM and sleep with him.

She has seemed to be trying to be nice lately, but not sure why.

Last week, I called her phone to speak with S25. She complained and said: "oh, you'll talk to someone else on my phone, but won't talk to me."

She has complained to S17 that I ignore her.

About a week before Christmas, she sent a nasty text telling me that I was a pathetic pig and a piece of sh!t. Three days later, she made me Chrismas cookies. WTF?????? When I asked her why, she said it was a new year and she was trying to be nice. When I asked her why she would want to make cookies for a pathetic pig, she denied calling me that.

I've noticed that lately she'll use phrases like:

"I (fill in the blank) like I said I would."

I'm going to (fill in the blank) like I said I would."

We hardly talk at all.

She went ahead and blocked me on FB. She told S17 it was because she didn't want to see stuff about "my relationship." (More on that later.)

S19 has nothing to do with her at all. She posted a bunch of stuff on his FB about me and he gave it right back to her. I hate the way he feels about his mother, but really can't blame him. They are his feelings and I can't change them. He actually sent her a text a few weeks ago. It took her hours to respond. When she finally did, she sent a message to him saying: "so, how does it feel to be ignored?" I couldn't believe that she wrote that to her own son.

I get the feeling that maybe just maybe she is starting to see some of the damage she has done.

She still feels that she is entitled to everything.

She has made the comment a few times to our boys that she may have to move because she can't afford to live where she is because she has to pay support to me. (Again, this is all my fault.)

Kids still refuse to meet OM, but S25 has. He says that OM is extremely geeky. Chubby and bald....

In the past, she has accused me of brainwashing our kids against her. I have since learned that she has told our boys that she heard from numerous people that I cheated on her years ago. She says that she never mentioned it to me because she didn't have proof. She has no proof because it NEVER happened!!!!! But I ask, now who is doing the brainwashing? As God as my witness, I was always faithful to her and NEVER cheated on her. It really bothered me when I heard that.

I think she may be bi-polar. She changes from day to day.

***ME***

Overall, I am happy........or atleast getting there.

I've finally moved into my new place and love it. I can decorate it how I want and do what I want to do with it. It is mine! Wow, I'm starting to sound like an MLCer!

Moving out of the house really helped me a lot. I no longer have to see her in every room.

I have a huge master bedroom and a nice fireplace. The neighborhood is nice too.

My bad days don't come as often and don't seem to be as bad as they were.

Sometimes I do still get an overwhelming feeling of disbelief.

Eric (a very wise man) told me once that I will eventually get to a point where I don't givea f*ck what she is doing. Well, I do still give a f*ck, but not as much as I did.

I think I am finally getting past the sadness. Now, it is more anger towards her and what she has done. Even that though isn't as bad as it has been.

I'm hanging onto my job by a thread. I had to take some time off to get moved and to take care of doctor's appointments. I shouldn't need anymore time off for a while though.

Things are tight money-wise, but will get better once I get caught up on things.

I don't really miss XW as much as I used to. There are times though that something will remind me of her. I'm sure she has those moments too whether she wants to admit it or not.

I broke things off with the woman I was seeing from my work but........I am dating someone. The only thing is, I'm 44. She is 25. XW has a really big problem with her age. I started seeing her in mid December. Not sure if it will get serious, but who knows. We have fun.

I can still look back over the events of the last year and see the craziness. I actually see more of it now than I did. She really is an alien.

Some may disagree with the dating thing, but I just can't wait around forever for something that may or may not happen.

Do I love XW? Yes.

Do I want her back? I don't know.

Could I take her back? Not sure about that either.

Anyways, that is pretty much it for me. I'm sure there is more, but I'm pressed for time and can't think of it all right now.

I'll try to come back and post more often now that I am moved and settled in.

Thanks for everything.

Tad

Yay! Tad is back! And finally its about him!

I know I have been harsh on you in my posts, (really, not just me but a lot of others too) but you know its because we all have been trying to get you out of your funk, turn your head around so that you will find yourself instead of looking at xOW all the time. We love you, thats why.

Its true, dating is not yet advisable at this point, but the most important thing I am seeing here is that you are finally enjoying your life. When you wrote about decorating your own place, having fun .... its like a breath of fresh air!

You did say that you are now feeling anger to your W - Well, first comes denial, then usually the next stage of grief is anger. Try to rein that in though, it is hard to live with anger in your heart. Keep on working on that detachment, Tad! You will be fine!

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I am dating someone. The only thing is, I'm 44. She is 25

Tad, as long as you don't hurt her and she knows what is going on? Then I am happy for you.

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XW has a really big problem with her age.

Awww...that's pathetically hypocritical and none of her f-ing business. And sweet in a cloying and desperate way.

You're divorced, I don't see why you shouldn't date. Bear in mind, though, that it's not fair to someone you're dating if you would drop them like a hot potato if your Ex came back.

AS for her age - Age is not the be all and end all, but STAGE OF LIFE is important. It's easy to think "this is just a temporary fling" but feelings do get involved. If she's someone who wants to get married and have her own family in the next few years, and you're someone with no interest in starting a second family - then it would be unfair to date her. If, on the other hand, you would welcome the idea of a second family - then I don't see the age difference as a complete deal breaker. Just so long as the relationship is equal and you're not taking advantage of her, or vice versa.

(I actually dated a couple of delightful young men, they were very compatible on an emotional/intellectual/physical level, but they were at stages of their life where soon they would be looking for a life companion and mother of their children. We stopped before anybody could get too attached, but I could see how emotionally dangerous that situation could be, don't think I'd go there again.)

Tad,
I'm glad you returned to post an update. Congratulations on moving into your new place...it sounds wonderful. It's nice to know that you can now decorate it anyway you want and the ghosts of your past are now in every room.

As for dating, just as long as you treat your dating partner right, things will be okay. Don't make promises that you can't keep.

Now about your xw, she continues on her crazy path and is still trying to control and manipulate you. Is she beginning to see what she's done? I seriously doubt it. She's still out there and will be for quite some time. What I do see from your posting is that she is one miserable woman and wants you in the same boat w/her. That boat is called misery. Stop worrying about what she says...it's not worth it. She has made her bed, now let her stay in it. You did not cause her problems, therefore, you can't fix them. These people think that the grass is greener over on the other side of the fence, but once they jump the fence, they find out that it's nothing but artificial turf. Tune her out...she is now an "x" not a current wife.

Live your life to the fullest and enjoy yourself. Be true to yourself and to your children...that is all that matters now.

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I know I have been harsh on you in my posts, (really, not just me but a lot of others too) but you know its because we all have been trying to get you out of your funk, turn your head around so that you will find yourself instead of looking at xOW all the time. We love you, thats why.

I'm glad you have been. I'm sure I needed it and still do from time to time. Thank you.

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Tad, as long as you don't hurt her and she knows what is going on? Then I am happy for you.

Thanks Jack. She does know. Matter of fact, I've probably told her a lot more than the people on this board. (If you can believe that.) She actually encourages me to talk about it. Sometimes though, I don't because I don't want to make her uncomfortable. She is a nice girl. I've known her for a long time. She was a listener of mine that I've known since my radio days.

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You're divorced, I don't see why you shouldn't date. Bear in mind, though, that it's not fair to someone you're dating if you would drop them like a hot potato if your Ex came back.

I've thought about this a lot KML. I've played it in my mind so many times and I would probably take the X back but......I wouldn't want to hurt GF either. To be honest, I'm not sure what I would do when and if it ever got to that point.

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If she's someone who wants to get married and have her own family in the next few years, and you're someone with no interest in starting a second family - then it would be unfair to date her. If, on the other hand, you would welcome the idea of a second family - then I don't see the age difference as a complete deal breaker.

Well she has made it clear that she doesn't want marriage anytime soon. Hell, I don't either.

As for having a family, she has a daughter and can't have any more kids.

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I'm glad you returned to post an update. Congratulations on moving into your new place...it sounds wonderful.

Thanks for the very nice words Snodderly. I do have a question though. You said:

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She is one miserable woman and wants you in the same boat w/her. That boat is called misery.

My question is: How can you tell that she is miserable? Maybe she is putting on one Hell of an act when around me?

Again, thanks for the comments and nice words.

Tad

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the comments.

I did a lot of thinking today. I found myself thinking that maybe MLC is just an excuse. It still doesn't make it easier dealing with what she did. However, the W I knew and loved wouldn't have even thought of doing some of the things she has done. So...who knows right?

Now to your comments:

The problem is Tad, that you can't.

The solution is what do YOU wan to do. That is the only factor that you know at this time.

It is a tough decision and takes Indy's "Leap of Faith". Maybe there is a bridge there, maybe there isn't.
Angel, you said:

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I'm glad you have been. I'm sure I needed it and still do from time to time. Thank you.

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Tad, as long as you don't hurt her and she knows what is going on? Then I am happy for you.

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You're divorced, I don't see why you shouldn't date. Bear in mind, though, that it's not fair to someone you're dating if you would drop them like a hot potato if your Ex came back.

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Well she has made it clear that she doesn't want marriage anytime soon. Hell, I don't either.

As for having a family, she has a daughter and can't have any more kids.

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I'm glad you returned to post an update. Congratulations on moving into your new place...it sounds wonderful.

Thanks for the very nice words Snodderly. I do have a question though. You said:

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She is one miserable woman and wants you in the same boat w/her. That boat is called misery.

My question is: How can you tell that she is miserable? Maybe she is putting on one Hell of an act when around me?

Again, thanks for the comments and nice words.

Tad

Tad,

I think the topic of dating has been covered well enough.

But the idea of you taking your wife back stuns me. AS SHE IS NOW,

how can you even consider it?

I strongly urge you to seek out and or continue in your counselling. Surely by now, you see her vicious & erratic behavior. The contempt with which she speaks to you, only to be followed by baking cookies, speaks to her inability to apologize like an adult. Asking her why she'd bake things for someone she referred to the way she did you is just demeaning. ( You repeated her slurs--please don't ever do that again unless you are in court suing someone for it).

I don't know why she'd know you are dating, let alone the woman's age. I don't know why she'd have the hypocritical gall to comment about it, or why someone would think you'd want to hear it, or why you'd allow them to call this to your attention.

Only you can answer this^^^...

If detaching is still so complicated, then I suggest you tell her, and people who want to share her opinion with you, that you are "Not inviting comment" on that AND OR from her on anything not related to your sons....period.

Remember that thing called Detachment?

It's still your challenge.

That's the not so good news.

But I'm glad you are moving forward in your life. Very glad. You are beginning to see the upsides of your own life and being in charge of your own happiness...

and you are also seeing the downsides of your present wife and how NOT having her batchit crazy nastyass in your face, is a good thing.

Once upon a time you were married to someone else.

She went missing over a year ago. No signs of her being found so she may NEVER be found.

If she is found, she may not return to you anyhow.

You can savor and treasure those memories of the woman who once was,

in a good, happy albeit bittersweet way. Yes it's bitter but it was still sweet.

But accept that she IS missing and has been for awhile. As she has become now, it's a lot better that she's gone.

Accept that. Embrace it. Embrace your freedom to Keep going forward.

Care for your sons and show them that sanity is retainable.

Enjoy your life. I'm telling you, Life is short.

Don't let her steal anymore of yours or your sons, than she already has.

((( )))

Tad,
25 said it all...why would you even think about taking your wife back right now, especially w/the way she's been acting towards you? The woman you knew is gone and has been gone for quite some time. She emotionally left the marriage long before her final exit. If and when she grows up, she may not even be the woman you want back in your life. What if she doesn't grow up and remains a mess? Don't put your life on hold, hoping that she will come back to you the way she was pre-mlc.

Yes, she's miserable. If she weren't, she wouldn't be consumed w/what you are doing, calling you, making comments to your children and the one thing that says it all...she knows about your dating, etc. If she were happy w/her life, she would go on w/her life and act like a mature adult and at least meet you half way in co-parenting and not be making such comments to your children.

Tad, enjoy your life, you've been given the opportunity to start a fresh w/your divorce. Give your wife's situation to God and allow him to take care of her. I know it's difficult, but you've got to stop analyzing her comments and behaviors because mlcers change on a dime and give you 9 cents change. They are emotionally a mess and no one can operate on pure emotions full time.

Tad, it's time to take care of you!

Thank you 25 and Snodderly.

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But the idea of you taking your wife back stuns me.

You're right 25. I can't take her back the way that she is now. No way. But.......I do hope that someday she will get through this and maybe just maybe return to who she was. The longer time goes though, I lose a little more hope. Does anyone know of any marriages that were restored after the divorce?

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The contempt with which she speaks to you, only to be followed by baking cookies, speaks to her inability to apologize like an adult. Asking her why she'd bake things for someone she referred to the way she did you is just demeaning. ( You repeated her slurs--please don't ever do that again unless you are in court suing someone for it).

Got it. I guess I was just so confused by it all. I still don't really understand her reason behind it.

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I don't know why she'd know you are dating, let alone the woman's age.

She knows because S25 (who I am very upset with right now) told her all about it. Why? I don't know. Not sure if she was asking questions or if he volunteered the info.

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Remember that thing called Detachment?

It's still your challenge.

Very true. I'm working on it. Although I am getting better, it is still tough sometimes.

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As she has become now, it's a lot better that she's gone.

I'm seeing that more everyday. There are still times when I would like to call her until I ask myself "why?" It would just hurt me anyways.

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Yes, she's miserable. If she weren't, she wouldn't be consumed w/what you are doing, calling you, making comments to your children and the one thing that says it all...she knows about your dating, etc. If she were happy w/her life, she would go on w/her life and act like a mature adult and at least meet you half way in co-parenting and not be making such comments to your children.

Thanks Snodderly. We do not talk anymore though. If she wants to tell me something or ask something, she usually uses S17 as the messenger. (Something she has accused me of in the past.) As for knowing about my dating, as stated above, she knows because S25 told her. I don't know why.

Everyone on this board has been amazing. I appreciate all of you. I do know that I did seem pretty pathetic at times (and probably still do), but I am getting better. I would have never dreamed that it would take me this long.....and....I've still got a lot of work to do.

Thanks again.

Tad

Tad, I haven't been posting much lately, and never really much in MLC. But I have lurked your thread, I think because you are so honest with your pain and thoughts.

Life's a trip isn't it?

Here are some lyrics that seem to make sense. My best advice is to simply remove yourself from the drama. Breath. Smile and live. Peace man.

Delusional, I believed I could cure it all
For you dear
Coax or trick or drive or
Drag the demons from you
Make it right for you, Sleeping Beauty
Truly thought I could magically heal you

Far beyond a visible
Sign of your awakening
Failing miserably to rescue
Sleeping Beauty

Drunk on ego
Truly thought I could make it right
If I, kissed you one more time to
Help you face the nightmare,
But you're far too poisoned for me
Such a fool to think that I could
Wake you from your slumber
That I could actually heal you

Sleeping Beauty
Poisoned and hopeless

Far beyond a visible
Sign of your awakening
Failing miserably to
Find a way to comfort you
Far beyond a visible
Sign of your awakening,
Hiding from some poisoned memory

Poisoned and hopeless
Sleeping Beauty

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZIXGLGFWNQ

Tad

Not sure if you still don't/cant' see this but, YOU can speed up the process.

In fact, only you can.

I don't have an opinion on you dating, or what a 25 y/o offers you beyond an ego boost. (I say that with sincerity b/c I have 5 brothers and 2 divorced...they dated younger women.

One brother at age 43 married a woman who's 34...and they're happy, etc.

My oldest brother dated a 24 y/o when he was 47, and he was pretty out of shape. So he looked like a sugar daddy.

He made sure everyone knew her age, and seemed to want some sort of response from us when he'd discuss her, but all I knew about her was that she was 24 & a college grad...honestly that's about all the info he put out about her. I never knew what to say to that. Due to the physical appearance (b/c I admit I think it's different for Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis types) my brother's sitch just looked sad to us. And a few weeks later, it was over and I think he was chagrined. He Never spoke of her again.

The point I'm making here may have nothing to do with your sitch. But if my brother thought that I or my sisters or other women were "impressed", by her age vis a vis his, we weren't. I felt sad for him truly.

Tad, if you still think someone else can make you happy, then you are still giving all your power away.

If you still think you can't be happy without a woman like your ex w, you have a much harder LONGER road ahead of you than you'd haveneeded if you'd simply DETACH and GAL for real.

If you think OW is a tactic to get your w back, you're giving all your power away (and it's more likely to backfire, give your EX w another batchit seizure, and risks hurting OW...-

but if YOU and OW CAN handle it and all is honest, fine.

I get the nagging feeling you are still maneuvering to get your batchit w back. Still trying to control the outcome...asking about whether anyone has seen someone divorce and later remarry...

yes Tad, as I"ve told you I have 2 family members do that. Years after they divorced they reconciled. But none of those 4 people did the same things your w does, fwiw...

and it took growth and personal work on all their parts NEVER with the goal or expectation of reconciling but of moving forward.

Their kids bonded them, and in time their friendships grew back into m's.

But Tad think about this---do you
Ever think maybe it's Not your w you miss or mourn the loss of,

but just the idea that you lost?

I don't mean to offend you with that OR to speak for others,

but I seriously doubt anyone here thinks she's good for you

and she's been such bad news for so long,

it's pretty hard to see why you'd still be pining. Yet here you are.

So I wonder if your ego is just so bruised & self esteem so low, that you confuse that wound with loving/needing HER...b/c she's not a loving woman.

Based on reality now, what's to miss?

Just food for thought and one more reminder--

YOU can speed this process up Tad.

Just do it.

Thanks. I appreciate that you are still posting to me 25.

As for my GF, she knows the story from start to end. I've even let her read my posts. I have been very open and honest with her.

I received a nasty text from XW a few days ago (right out of the blue of course) that I didn't even respond to. She went on and on about how much money I should be giving S17 everyday for lunch since she is required to send me child support money blah blah blah.

It took a while, but I am finally starting to see what everyone has been drilling into my head. DETACHMENT DOES WORK. It doesn't even bother me as much anymore when I think about OM. It's whatever.

Like I've said, I do still have bad days, but they are much better than they were.

You are so right when you said this:

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Based on reality now, what's to miss?

Amen!

Tad

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

As for my GF, she knows the story from start to end. I've even let her read my posts. I have been very open and honest with her

Tad, it is good to see you are feeling better these days. I am a little concerened about the age difference, if I am honest, especially as your gf is so close to your son's age. But that is your business. What does concern me more is what you wrote above. Words have a way of revealing our thought processes, and I wonder if you are sometimes a little controlling? Maybe 'let' was not what you intended to write, but if your gf is your equal, as she should be, then there is no 'let' about it.

As for openness and honesty, why wouldn't you be? It isn't a virtue it is a necessity in a relationship.

You're right Beatrice. I guess what I should have said was:

"I even offered her to read all of my posts."

I do get tired of the ups and downs though.

Somedays I am great and others I get sad, angry or bitter.

Just wish I could get better all the time you know?

Tad,
You will have good days and bad days. Eventually everything should settle down for you, but it's going to take a while. Go back and re-read your postings...you've come a long way! I'm proud of you!

Thank you Snodderly. I have actually thought about re-reading everything, but to be honest, I am a little afraid to. Don't know why.....

Not sure why, but the last few days have been a little rougher than they have been. Maybe it is because XW came to pick up S17 in OM's vehicle on Friday?

It's weird....everytime I think that XW and OM aren't as "involved" as I thought, something happens that will make me think otherwise.

Also, everytime that I remember something that truly points to MLC, something will happen that will make me think "maybe she really was unhappy because I was a lousy husband."

I have to pick up S17 this evening from her place. I am dreading it like the plague.

Can't believe how my life has changed....not what I had planned at all.

Thanks again.

Tad

can someone else pick your son up?

If not, at least DETACH for the time it takes to get him...and come home and do something FUN or funny...for you and your son.

Also stop thinking or worrying whether it's MLC or a WAW b/c for your w, there's no difference

and

for you there's no change in your course of action---GAL and Detach, please. for your sanity and peace of mind and your son's.

(( ))

Thanks 25.

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can someone else pick your son up?

S19 could pick him up, but he refuses to even go to her place. She has been there over a year and S19 still has not been to visit.

I am doing better. Still have the down times though.

Today was not as bad as I thought. Went to pick up S17 and didn't get out of the car. She didn't even walk him to the door like she usually does. I didn't have to see her. Yay!

It is so much easier when I don't.

We got home and S17 and I played a computer game together.

Thanks.

Tad

Tad, brother ... I don't care how old the gf is ... if you can't pick your S17 up at the ex's place without it sending you into a funk ... YOU AREN'T READY TO DATE.

And your gf doesn't know this 'cause she doesn't have the experience or emotional maturity to know what a strong, emotionally healthy partner looks like. Hun, it ain't you. Not yet. Not now.

TAD ... buddy, why do you even care "how" involved the ex with OM? You've moved on ... you're with someone else? I suspect, mostly as an ego boost and an attempt to make the ex jealous.

You've got it in you to do what it takes to move yourself forward. But you're too afraid to do it. You said it yourself ... you're even to scared to go back and read it all again. DO IT. Over and over and over again ... I had to, and finally some of it seeped in ... then it started to make real sense. Not "oh yeah, I get it but I'm not doing it sense" ... actual honest to goodness lightbulb, AHA! type moments.

Peace
PEI

Tad. Good to hear from you. Would love to hear from you on the alt as well as I don't get here very often these days. Been busy..

Glad to see you are moving forward. You're a good hearted man Tad, from what I see. Not perfect certainly, but good hearted.

Your wife is gone. Way gone, brother.

What you may have noticed by now is that although she left you, you still have to leave her. Why? Because she isn't the woman you married. At all. Not even close. Because she will continue to influence your highs and lows if you do not. She will drain the life right out of you. Trust me on that. I could tell you stories...

She treats you like dirt. She is passive-aggressive about it. She doesn't deserve to be allowed to treat you like that. Nobody does. They will if you let them though. For no other reason than they can. They will fill in the reasons why they did it later and it won't have to make sense to anyone else. Perhaps their merry band of do-no-gooders, but otherwise (yes I made that word up) nobody of consequence.

Have you noticed how the truth comes out? Remember when you wanted others to "see"? That takes time, Tad.

Take her back? No you wouldn't. You wouldn't be able to date if you could do that. Your ego is allowing you that fantasy, but in reality you wouldn't take her back. Somewhere inside you know that it's over and she is gone. Somewhere in there you know she is nobody you know. You know she is nobody she knows as well.

Is she miserable? Perhaps. Perhaps she's as mad as a hatter and is maniacally happy while skipping all over the place. Perhaps not.

For what it's worth, I'm with ya buddy. Mine is a flaming bag of scum and that's certainly not anybody I ever knew. The OM is as well, and I almost got into it with him. Realized what was happening and am taking another tack.

For me Tad, I finally got to where I couldn't be bothered to waste the breath it would take to utter f**** off to either of them. I realized then that I really don't care what she does or with whom. I was tested on that when they almost sat in my lap at the movies the other day. When you get to that point, it is more freeing than where you've been.

But what is really freeing is not hating any more. Seeing things for what they are and accepting them. Leaving her even though she left you will help as crazy as that sounds.

Let it wash over you Tad. It's not what you wanted, but it is what it is. Don't let her craziness prevent you from reaching your potential and having fulfilling relationships.

You'll have to "teach" her to leave though Tad. Be warned. She's crazy and won't take that very easily. Be firm. Be strong. Be the leader you already are. Be patient and take the emotion out of it as you would a 4 year old that needed to be taught something.

Good to hear from you Tad. Keep up the great progress.

Oh. And date whomever you want. Be honest and build the kind of relationships you really want. There's nothing wrong with your ability to pick good people even if some are just "fun" and some are "fun and deep" in those realtionships. All else doesn't really matter.

Live like you only had to midnight when it comes to the relationships. Spend your time with those that matter and that treat you right, brother.

Be good,

AJ

Me again.

PEI, you're right. I know I'm not truly ready yet, but the new GF keeps my mind off of things. I'm beginning to think that I may never be over my X. Damn, I loved her. Still do.

AJ, so nice to hear from you my friend. I guess I do have to actually leave her. Very hard but I am getting there.

We do not talk at all.

Valentine's Day came and went. It was a little rough, but soooo much better than last year.

X seems to still keep OM pretty much a secret. Still wonder why this is.

As for me, I'm doing ok. I love my new place and am starting to get used to my new life even though it is far from what I had planned.

X has been on my mind a lot for two days though......

Tad

Tad,
There will come a time when you will "get over" your wife. You are still very new to this and it takes a long time for people to settle back down. You have to remember that you are still going through the grieving process and it could take a couple of years before your feelings settle.

Many of the mlcers keep the op a secret to the world. It could very well be that she knows that the op would be viewed as the homewrecker or be compared to the lbs and then people would begin to question her sanity over her decisions. My xh kept his ow (now wifey) secret for about 7 years and one day I busted him on it. He still has not told his "favorite" uncle that he remarried and the Christmas cards that he use to send him had only his name on them. It's just a very strange way that they do things, but it's normal for most of them.

I'm glad you like your new home. There is a reason for all that has happened to each of us...we just have to wait and see what the good man upstairs has planned for us.

Keep up the good work!

Thank you Snodderly. I appreciate the insight.

Just a quick update:

Found out from S17 that XW has been telling our sons that I cheated on her when I used to be on the radio. As God as my witness, I have NEVER cheated on her. I honored my vows. She says that she "heard it from somebody" but won't say who she heard it from. She can't say because it NEVER happened. She has accused me in the past of brainwashing our sons against her, but I now ask: who is doing the brainwashing with this made up story? And....why would she?

As for our "relationship", there isn't one. I have not seen or spoken to her since right before Christmas. She has sent a few nasty texts, but I think she has given up since I no longer respond to them.

She is kicking S26 out soon because she has to downsize to a smaller apartment because she can't afford the rent since I am "making her pay child support." The interesting thing is: S17 tells me that she spends money like crazy. She just bought OM's car and a brand new laptop. She wanted to take S17 to Seaworld on Spring Break, but now says that she can't because she can't afford it. She is also nearly $60,000 in debt because of student loans. I'm convinced that she will end up being a career student. Her sister and brother are also still in school.

Whatever.

She wanted S17 this weekend, but he told her that he wanted to stay with me because I was going to help him write a paper. She tried to talk him into going with her so she could help him, but it didn't work. Even though the divorce papers say "every other weekend", she has had him almost EVERY weekend. I think I may start demanding that we follow the judgement.

As for me, I am in the process of filing for bankruptcy. This crap not only killed me emotionally, but financially as well. Rebuilding is taking a very long time.

I'm doing okay, but the last few days I have felt depression settling back in. Not sure why because I am still on the anti-depressants.

Just wanted to update.

Tad

Hey Tad!

I wanted to chime in with my theory about depression. To me it is like a tide that comes and goes. And like the tides it is different every time. But also like the tides, you know it will change.

I get depressed, have fought it all my life. I love the ocean and love to pick up shells. And sometimes at my favorite beach the tide can come in quick, and weird waves can sneek up on me. And when that happens I just keep my feet planted and if I'm in deeper water I put my hands over my head and just let the wave pass. (Never letting go of my bag of shells....)

It was during one such wave that I realized it was a life lesson for me. I just need to keep my feet on the ground, reach up to the sky and let what ever happens happen.

So when I feel those blasted waves of depression coming over me, I just cast my mind to the beach and realize it might take a bit, but it will pass.

I am sorry to hear about the emotional and financial impact on your life. I am pretty frightened about that part myself. Like everyone else here I am just doing this one day, hour or minute at a time.

Aloha,

Wendy

Tad,
Your xw is projecting on to your son about you. As for the cheating comments she made to your son, state the facts to him and then let it drop. She is trying everything she can to get a reaction out of you and also make you look like the bad guy. You do not need to justify/defend your past to anyone. The best thing to do is ignore the comments because eventually, everyone will see the truth. The truth will come out in the wash, so to speak.

As for her complaining about child support, well...she brought this on herself. The law is the law and since your son is living w/you, she should be paying some type of child support. It's all about her and she doesn't want to spend on cent more than she has to in order to help you out. Trust me, she is not only going to be a career student, but she's going to be in debt up to her eyeballs and soon.

BTW, I do hope that you have had a discussion w/your son about saying anything about you or what you are doing in her presence. They have a way of getting information out of the children and they don't even realize that they've talked about the other parent. You might want to re-emphasize this w/your son.

I'm sorry about your finances, but you'll get it together...it all takes time. You have a lot on your plate and with the bankruptcy, you could be feeling a bit depressed about it. Take it one day at a time and don't plan too far into the future. One last thing...again...ignore her comments...she is trying to justify what she did, make you look bad in the eyes of your son as well as get a reaction out of you. Don't fuel her fire!

Hey Tad,

I just wanted to remind you to give yourself some credit here ok?

When you have kids, don't care how old they are, it's just HARDER. It just is. You are tied in some how some way. If you're not taling to the x's then the kids are coming home giving you info on the x's.

I face this all the time and it's hard. Kids talk about their Dad all the time, always giving me info on what they did, etc. It really kicks me in the gut because raising the kids is the one thing he and I had passion for together and I feel really bonded us. Im sure that's a big factor for you too.

Take care!

Hey Tad. How's my brother of another mother?

She accused you of cheating, again?!? I'd like to say that truth shows, but it only shows with those that care to see it. i.e. everyone else will but her. Welcome to the party

Your son will talk about things in his life. He should. Be careful what you put in his head though. Be guarded against the comments and accusations. They aren't likely over. I do notice however that they don't bother you nearly as much. That's good. You're seeing the craziness from more of a distance and that is much more healthy IMHO.

The finances will get worked out. Just a matter of time really.

Sounds to me like you are doing very well and I am very glad to hear it. It continues to get better even if the depression comes back from time to time. The anger sometimes does as well, but the good news is that neither stays for very long any more.

You're awesome and you know it. You're a rock and a man amongst men. You've come a long way and will continue to do well Tad. The plateaus are not to be feared, but realize they will be temporary.

Keep your perspective, Tad. The objectivity means a lot in this journey and in your life. Because if you step back you can see things much more clearly and not react, but rather act appropriately.

It's worth it.

Sanity. How much is it worth? I'll buy it.

AJ

Thanks Wen, Snodderly, Kim and AJ.

Wen, I truly believe that when you said this:

Quote:

I wanted to chime in with my theory about depression. To me it is like a tide that comes and goes. And like the tides it is different every time. But also like the tides, you know it will change.

You hit the nail on the head. Somedays are really bad and it scares me a little.

I would also like to point out that it was very weird reading your post and seeing you sign it as "Wendy." You see, that is my X's name. That is what I woke up to this morning!

Snodderly, you said:

Quote:

One last thing...again...ignore her comments...she is trying to justify what she did, make you look bad in the eyes of your son as well as get a reaction out of you. Don't fuel her fire!

My question is: does she realize that she is lying about me or does she actually believe it? I don't want my sons thinking that I ever cheated on their mother. That is not the kind of person I am.

Quote:

Be guarded against the comments and accusations. They aren't likely over. I do notice however that they don't bother you nearly as much. That's good. You're seeing the craziness from more of a distance and that is much more healthy IMHO.

Thanks AJ. It does help to try to step back and look at the big picture. I can actually see the "craziness" even more when I am a little more objective about things.

Quote:

You're awesome and you know it. You're a rock and a man amongst men. You've come a long way and will continue to do well Tad. The plateaus are not to be feared, but realize they will be temporary.

Thank you for the very nice words my friend. If you ever make it out to Arizona, I'll buy you a beer. Maybe 2.

The thing that bothers me these days is the music thing. Music was a very BIG part of my life. I loved all kinds of music. I was a radio DJ from the time I was 19 until I was 43. I could tell you an interesing fact about almost any song. I used to listen to EVERYTHING from Jazz, to Metal to Classical to Country to Hip Hop. I loved it all. Really.

But.....I have not turned the radio on in my car since February of 2011. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. It is an actual FEAR. My S19 asked me two days ago if I have listened to the radio yet. I told him no. I CAN'T DO IT. I feel that music, or more specifically my career in music, played a big part in the downfall of my marriage. There have been times when I'll walk into a restaurant and turn around and walk out if music is playing. It is really that bad. Like I said, it really is a FEAR. Is this right or normal?

Tad

Tad,
The music didn't have a thing to do w/what happened to your xw. It's time to tackle that fear and come to realize that music can actually soothe the soul. I understand where you are coming from, but you have to remember that what happened to your xw happened a very long time ago when she was a child. Music didn't create her problems.

The things that your xw has told your son about you and cheating...in her mind, she believes it, even if it didn't happen. Their reality becomes distorted in many ways.

I'll give you a some of examples of what my xh told his lawyer which are quite funny now, but weren't at the time. My xh told his lawyer that I had knocked him unconscious, tied him up and held him hostage for two days. My xh is taller than I am and weighed in at that time at 250. There was no way that I could over power him like he said. Another comment was that I took all of his clothes and placed them in the middile of the driveway and set them on fire. This didn't happen because he had all of his clothes when he made that comment and besides my driveway is blacktopped. The PI confirmed that this didn't happen. One last example and then you can laugh. He came by the house one day while I was home and told me that he had rented a room from a man. The man had told him that he could put his dishes up in the cabinet. The xh told me that he said "I only have my coffee cup." He also told me that he slept on the floor because he didn't want to mess up the bed. My xh was very serious when he told me his tale of woe. He also wouldn't rent a particular house because it didn't have Anderson windows and another house had a broken intercom system. Tad, they honestly believe this stuff even if it's not true.

You've come a long way and I'm proud of you. You still have a ways to go, but I promise you, things will get easier as your continue your journey.

Tad I understand the FEAR very well.
My xh, son and I use to watch Nascar EVERY race that was on if possible. I WOULD NOT watch it after they left. I hadnt watched it in three years and I LOVE Nascar. It just brought back too many memories of US our FAMILY. BUT a couple Sundays ago I was changing the channels and came across a race. I stopped and briefly watched it for a few minutes and Cried of course and then changed the channels. I have done this a couple times and guess what?....It gets easier. You just have to take that FIRST initial step and cry it out if you have to.
I plan on watching more races and if I have to cry a little.

Snodderly my son told someone I LEFT his dad and I CHEATED. Totally opposite of what happened. Why do you think he is doing this? He knows better and we even talked about it once.

Hugs Tad,
Rene

Hey Tad!

I couldn't live without music. And do find MUCH of it makes me mad to listen to. I change stations a lot!

Have you considered playing your least listened to type of music? Like classical? Just wondering if you could ease back to something you clearly loved?!?

Hope all is well!

Wendy

Tad, have you ever stood back and looked at the craziness from another's perspective? I mean, really looked objectively?
Have you ever considered all the things you did right?

Have you ever considered the things you did, if you had been with somebody else, would have been seen differently by that person? They may have even been supportive of your career and you?

Have you considered that music is something you MUST get back to? Even if slowly, it'll represent part of the "process"?

You will need to face your fears to let go, Tad. Facing the fear of turning on the radio is representative in some ways. From my perspective.

When my ex left, she left a wake of terror and accusations. I trusted her in a way I never trusted anyone else. I let her in to the deepest parts of me.

When she left, I kept the house. I kept the house for the kids, but in the beginning it was horrible. I didn't want to come "home" because of the ghosts. I didn't want to hear the radio and iphone text sounds made me jump (she was carrying on the affair in part via text which had the sounds; I was like Pavlov's dogs.)

I faced those fears. I still have some troubles with the texting noises, but I work in that business. I can't live my life that way.

I like my house now. I didn't change a lot because I needed it to be the same for my kids and because I needed to face the ghosts it had. I listen to the radio again (babble on most of the time, but hey..) and I don't cringe when I hear a text message coming in any longer. It still annoys me though.

I won't let her craziness get the better of me. I won't let it change me in ways I won't accept. I won't jump at shadows and I won't be afraid to live my life.

When I got overwhelmed, I stopped and considered why. I know why. It's because I trusted her and she tried very hard to hurt me personally. She still does. The difference is that I see it differently now. I actually stopped and laughed walking into work one day when it dawned on me that she had such a hard time with it because I was darn near perfect even to her. I remember that she left and later came up with a reason. I remember that she accuses me of things that make me think her medication is not adjusted for her weight. I remember that even though my daughter doesn't talk to me and has some of her mother's crazy thoughts influencing her, that both my kids are afraid to talk to their mother about some things. They fear she will flip out on them and I remember that's what she accused me of being - scary to the kids.

I was afraid I would lose my kids. She tried. She really did. But eventually I came to see that my kids would be ok regardless of what happens. I came to see that they didn't lose me. They may even gain an additional parent

I remember the source. The source is not right. The source has an ulterior motive even if I don't know what it is.

I remember that I did everything to the best of my ability and I only change the things I want to change for me. I remember it is not about me.

I suggest you do similar and don't try to boil the ocean, but rather face one thing at a time.

Music might be a good thing to face.

Snodderly, I laughed at the craziness. If it hadn't happened to me I might not have believed somebody would do such a thing. I see it though. Some of it is crazy funny if not disturbing. I have similar stories and what makes it funnier is that she believes it still. I don't envy her. I may have for a while, but I am very glad to not have that burden and hope that never happens to me. I hope I am never so scared that I cannot face my decisions or the consequences of my actions.

Tad, it won't happen overnight. It'll take longer than you want. But one piece at a time you will face down your fears and regain you.

It'll help even though it's scary at first. It's liberating later and well worth it.

Do it Tad. Face them down one at a time and see if I'm wrong.

Don't let her issues ruin your life permanently Tad. Her issues are hers and hers alone. You cannot help her. You will have to leave her for the way she treated you and will continue to treat you. When she changes the way she treats you, realize you'll still need to leave her for it because it has an ulterior motive until and unless she PROVES otherwise.

Really Tad. You hold the keys. You didn't lose your mind although it was close.

Now get to it, brother.

AJ

^^^^^^^^

What he said. Totally agree

Thank you Snodderly, Sunshine, Wen, Beatrice and AJ. I'm glad that you haven't given up on me yet.

Snodderly, reading the things that your H said made me laugh. They are funny.....and sad. Sounds a lot like my X.

I'm still not sure about the music thing. It hurts. I just don't think I'm really ready yet.

Quote:

Have you considered playing your least listened to type of music? Like classical? Just wondering if you could ease back to something you clearly loved?!?

That's the problem. I liked ALL of it. I listened to everything. Really.

Quote:

Have you ever considered all the things you did right?

Yes, but it just makes me realize what I could have done better....

AJ, you make it sound so easy.

I guess I have to "face the music" so to speak. Much easier said than done.

Quote:

Have you ever considered the things you did, if you had been with somebody else, would have been seen differently by that person? They may have even been supportive of your career and you?

Yes. I would think that someone else would have been more supportive. My counselor told me a year ago that he believed that X was a little jealous of my career. But....I would also like to point out that it couldn't have been very easy for X being the W of a celebrity. I think it may be tough for a lot of people.

Update:

Today = not good.

Actually, it was pretty damn bad. I don't know what happened. I've had bad days before but this was the worst one in months. A friend at work even commented on it. I don't know what got into me today.

It does help when I think that X is in a fog or is crazy, but who's to say that she is? I mean really?

You know what the sad part is? Even with all of the progress that I've made, there is a small part of me that wants to call her and tell her how I feel about her. I STILL love her dearly. Its like an angel sitting on my shoulder telling me to leave her alone and a demon on the other telling me to call.

I also find myself wondering what I could have done differently. She meant everything to me and I somehow managed to lose her.

I know....

Pathetic.

No Tad. You didn't lose her. She left. That's very different.

What I was getting at is that you should only have to apologize for the things you did wrong. Not the things you did right.

By wrong, I mean the things YOU think are wrong in the way you treated a partner. The thing about a partnership is that it's a two-way street. It's not just about you. Remember you were married for 26 years - you did a lot of things right in your relationship. You did somethings you may want to change, but those are things that are said and done. Change them going forward, not looking back.

Your choices are and were your choices and you should evaluate if you did them to the best of your ability with the information you had at the time. If so, then you can make adjustments in the future, but you cannot change them nor should you if you ask me.

She made her choices. She has to do the same things, like it or not.

I don't think it's weird you want to tell her how you feel. I think that's perfectly normal, really.

Tad, you were told this was forever. She broke that promise. She accused you of everything she could think of to help HER. That's not a partnership. That's not working together. That's self-centered (for whatever reason).

She didn't have to leave Tad. She CHOSE to.

She didn't have to blame you. She CHOSE to.

That's not a healthy relationship any longer. You do need to respect her choice but not her opinion nor reason.

You do NOT need to accept her behavior towards you, nor should you. That's not healthy and you can see how it is affecting you.

I find that normal Tad. You were together for a long time and you trusted her and her opinions.

Don't get too stuck on what you could have done differently. There likely isn't much you could have done differetly and still have been you.

I don't think it's reasonable to think you'll stop loving her any time soon. I think it's more reasonable that you'll detach and work on you and the kids. I think it's more reasonable that you'll still care about her for a long time. I think it's more reasonable that you'll accept that you care for her but that it's not good for you to want a relationship with her.

You can care from a distance. You need to care from a distance because she will try to hurt you if given the choice. Even if she feels bad about it later, she'll try most likely.

I think it's reasonable to think she is not happy about her choices Tad. So I also think it's reasonable she wants you to be the one that is at fault so she doesn't have to look at people and feel guilty. That's a powerful emotion that some people try to use anger to combat.

She likely knows she treated you poorly. I'm guessing that doesn't help with self-esteem. I'm guessing her pain is just as great as yours even is she won't show it. If not more.

But all of that is out of your control. What you can control is you, and one of the things you need to do is face your fears. You have done a great job facing them so far. Fear of her leaving for example. It takes more than time, it also takes effort. And time for that effort to bear fruit.

From time to time the feelings creep in and memories play on you. That's ok. Part of that, I think, is to remind you that you have more to do.

You may never understand "why" but you do know "what". Work with the "what" Tad. Work on you and start facing the music. Don't let it linger because it will just be there later no matter how many years go by.

Be good to you Tad. Give yourself a break and realize there will be times for quite some time to come. But realize it will be longer if you don't get started facing and dealing with those things that need dealing.

One at a time, Tad. One at a time.

Peace,

AJ

Thanks AJ.

I know I wasn't perfect, but I was pretty damn good to her. I KNOW that.

Just a little update:

S17 came back from her place tonight and told me something his mother found out about my family that I didn't even know. Apparently, I have a cousin with stage 3 breast cancer. I THINK X found this out from my SIL (brother's wife). For the record, I DO NOT trust SIL because I think she was one of a few that actually ENCOURAGED W to leave me. Yes, these days I have a hard time trusting anyone.

Another thing: X bought S17 new shoes this weekend. That was nice, but she had to throw in the comment to S17: "I'll get you some shoes since your father refuses to do what he is supposed to do with the child support." I hate this!!!! Why so negative still? She can't see ANYTHING nice about me. And why is she "brain-washing" him? She has spent the last year accusing me of brain-washing our sons. She is the one doing all of the brain-washing.

S17 also is starting to have more attitude when he comes back.

Tad

His attitude may be in relation to your change in attitude, right? Relax. He's 17 and pretty much fighting for independence. Almost an adult in age.

As for her - what did you expect exactly? Step back and think of it this way - she wants/needs to think of you as the bad guy. Not that you did anything, but if you let her she'll push enough that you will be. Self-fulfilling prophesy so similar.

She can't see anything nice about you. If she did, she might have to admit she was crazy or wrong or worse, that you're a good guy which would mean she was crazy or wrong or ....

See the logic bomb? She wants/needs you to be the bad guy so much she is even willing to create stories/reasons/etc. to support that.

Does that seem odd to you at this point?

This is her trip. You're just getting in the way, man. She will try to drag you into it too. Actively. You can either go along or you can step off the train. Either way, you'll have to work at it.

Is what it is, Tad. Like it, love it, or hate it, it has to be done.

As for your son, I don't think she is really going to be able to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do. He knows better regardless of what he hears from his mother.

Bottom line: let her complaints wash over. Let 'em go. She wants to complain about paying you child support?!? Let her. She wants to complain to your son about it?!!? You can't stop that. She accuses you of things she does (transference anyone?)?!?? The very thought!

You can love your son as best you can. Nothing more than that, Tad. She can try to take him, but let's face it he is pretty much an adult and can make up his own mind. He'll do what he needs to do and you need to let him and let him know you love him. You can't stop him. You can't control him. I don't think you would want to either...

Be good to yourself and step back a little further Tad. Be patient with yourself and be good to you. You aren't superhuman

LOGIC BOMB!

My new favorite potential name for a band!

And AJM, what a great post!

Yes, DETACH, DETACH, DETACH! It is hard to step back further. But when I make quilts that is the best way to look at them. From across the room. I'm putting that in my things to remember: "Step back a little further."

And I just had the funniest thought go through my head. You know when some fool puts fish in the trash can and makes it really stinky? And you only approach the trash can with proper breath holding and you run up dump your trash and run away?

Maybe that is how we should be treating our MLC creatures. Like smelly trash cans. Only the minimum contact that is required. Breath holding optional......

AJ, man, I like your style.

Tad, sweetie, you keep trying to figure out something that just can't be understood.

As someone who had a son go through this in his teenage years, I wanted to tell you something.

My xh would do his thing - tell my son stuff, try to be disney dad, etc.

But I would never say a word about his dad to my son. Not one word. That was a promise I made to myself at the beginning of all this.

I just continued working on me, continued trying to be the best mom I could be, continued to let my son know that I was there for him.

There were some very tough days, Tad. Very tough. My son would be angry with me. He would act out.

I kept to my path.

He would tell me things about my xh to try to get a rise out of me.

I kept to my path.

And you know what, T? My son knew all along. He knew.

And one day he said to me, Mom, thank you for not getting in the way of my relationship with my dad.

And he also said, I know that you are the very best mother there is. I also know that dad is broken. I knew it all along. I just had to figure it out on my own.

It's a tough age, 17. They are going through so many things, trying to figure it all out.

But your son knows, Tad. He knows.

It's your job not to do anything to hinder his relationship with his mom and to be the best dad you can be.

The way to do that is to be true to yourself. Do the right thing. Be truthful and present and allow him to fall knowing you'll be there when he does.

I made myself two other promises at the beginning - to keep my dignity and to do what I could to get my son through all this.

That's all you can do, Tad. The rest, well, that it in His capable hands.

Tad I know what u r going thru. Brookie has given you great advice.
When my xh left, my son, 18 was devistated. He basically stayed shut up in his room and would not do hardly anything I asked of him.
We were on our own. My xh stopped paying bills. I had to approach son and explain it was just me and him and he was gonna have to help out with a part time job.
My son looked up to his dad so much. When son and I had a disagreement he would call his dad.
Many here told me to send son packing to his dads.
Tad, my son never respected me as much as his dad. I gave into son many times over the years. He was mammas baby and always will be.
Also when his dad left, son BLAMED ME. He knew his dad had made the decision to leave the family and I "think" he knew he cheated but he STILL put the blame on me.
Son was not respecting me and one day it all came to a head.
I told son he was gonna have to go stay with his dad FOR AWHILE. My son did NOT want to go live with his dad.
Anyway he called his dad and we struggled for the phone and you know what his dad told him over the phone.
"Get away from her son, she is crazy". No support!
I called a friend/cop to come by and talk to son. That day son went to his dads. He was very upset and it BROKE my heart into a million pieces.
I knew if I didnt send him my son would NEVER amount to anything. WOrk or school.
The next day son returned for his things and said mom its ok, I needed to go stay with dad. Hugged me and he was fine.
BUT the longer he stayed the more I became the enemy.
Its been over two years since my son as spoke to me and it tears me apart everyday. I love and miss him so much.
I, like Brookie, promised myself though that no matter what, I would NOT talk bad about his dad. AND I havent and never would.
Sometimes I think I made the biggest mistake of my life sending him away but I never intended for him not to never return.
He was fine at first, I would take him things and he would say hurry and leave mom before dad gets upset.
His dad doesnt speak to me and I know this affects son.
Son has shut me out for now. BUT I have left it into God's hands and I know he will bring son home and fix our relationship.
Tad just dont say anything to son if he comes home with an attitued UNLESS he gets very disrespectuful. They are being pulled in so many directions and its so hard on them.
I hope you NEVER go thru what I have with my son.

Brookie do you think my ex has brainwashed my son? Do you think son is afraid of his dad being upset if he talks to me?
Son SAYS he is upset over me having the cop talk to him but son came back the next day and was fine. I think things are being said to him. My ex, after three yrs is still irrate. I wish so much he would change JUST for sons sake.

Hugs Tad,
Renee

Sunshine, your son is obviously afraid to go against his dad. For now. That's a point in time.

My kids are the same in some ways. I respect that it is hard on them and let it go. As long as they are ok, then so be it. The rest is just "now" and not forever.

For the record, my son and I have a great relationship. Now. It wasn't always that way because his mom would get in the way when she lived here.

My daughter and I were always close. She lives with her mom now and won't so much as look at me or talk to me. She has made that very clear.

I don't blame her. She wants a relationship with her mother and missed that for many years while her mother wasn't very available. I don't like what or how she did it, but that's history. She'll be back one day down the road.

Did her mom brainwash her? She influenced her as evidenced by what was in her email. That's obvious.

Are my kids afraid of their mother? Yes. She "flips out" over little things when she doesn't get her way and they are shell shocked.

But like Brookie mentioned, they need to find their way. They are old enough to make their own choices. Their own mistakes. They learn this way

I don't like it, but it seems natural for my daughter to be angry and to take it out on me. To want to be "normal" and loved. To be loved by her mom. To make up for lost time.

In time, she'll make up her own mind. My son will as well.

I try to not say things. I am not perfect but that's life. I'm careful because of my kids. For their sake.

Tad, have patience and be nothing more than you. Recognize the turmoil and the age. Be a father and be kind to him.

He needs you, Tad. Make yourself whole and support your son. Stop worrying about what she says becuase you can't control it. You can't make his decisions nor know why he makes them.

He'll figure it out if you let him Tad. You can take a lot of pressure off him and he'll know.

AJ

Thanks AJ, Wendy, Brookie and Sunshine.

Quote:

She wants/needs you to be the bad guy so much she is even willing to create stories/reasons/etc. to support that.

How long will it be like this? Forever?

Quote:

But your son knows, Tad. He knows.

I hope so Brookie. I really do.

Quote:

Are my kids afraid of their mother? Yes. She "flips out" over little things when she doesn't get her way and they are shell shocked.

I almost laughed out loud when I read this. My XW is the same way. She wasn't always like that, just in the later years. It got so bad that she threw a salt and pepper shaker at me full force across the table just because I wanted a little pepper on my food.

XW is the angriest person I've ever met. Why so angry though?

Update:

S17 is spending Spring Break with her. I'm sure he'll get to hear tons of lies.

My sons, GF and friends have been trying to encourage me to get back into radio. Not listening to it, but being ON THE RADIO again. I just can't.

I'm convinced that this "thing" is mostly an identity crisis of some sort. XW is actually turning into one of her best friends. Scary.

My bankruptcy officially gets filed next week.

That is all for now.

Tad

Why no radio for you Tad? Didn't you love it? Wasn't it something that you enjoyed? Is your xw going to take that from you too?

Her issues? Just that. Her issues. The anger? That can go on forever Tad. You'll only see it as long as you let her show you. How you prevent her from showing you is for you to find out, right?

Her different personalities? It can be amusing. I found that when I saw my xw going through personalities, it was kind of awewsome in the same way that watching a hurricane blow past your front door is awesome. Dangerous, scary, but fascinating just the same. With all that goes with it.

Notice her changes less Tad. There is no Lassie coming home in this story. She may be that way a long long time if not forever. She is unable to have a healthy relationship with you. That's apparent. She goes to great lengths to keep you away and blame you at the same time (push/pull). Break those ties that pull you back in. One at a time, break them.

Face the fears else be a slave to them the rest of your life.

Be good!

AJ

Thanks AJ.

Quote:

Why no radio for you Tad? Didn't you love it? Wasn't it something that you enjoyed? Is your xw going to take that from you too?

Eh...I don't know. I did love it at first, but it got to be a drain. Plus, it DID play a big part in the marriage breakdown. I have a hard time listening to music still so being on the radio probably won't happen anytime soon.

UPDATE:

Speaking of radio.....I was cleaning out my car today and found a black folder in the trunk that hasn't been opened since my radio days. Like an idiot, I opened it. I found a letter I had written to her to convince her to stay, an email from OM to XW, and an email from XW to OM. These were letters from the time all of this crap went down. I shouldn't have read them. All of the feelings: pain, betrayal, sadness, all of it came back. For a few minutes I got to re-live everything again.

I also spoke to S17 on the phone today. He is still at his mother's place until Sunday. He still has not met OM. Only one of my sons has - S26.

S17, S19 and S21 have all met my GF. The other day, GF asked S21 why he met her and won't meet OM. He said "because my dad isn't the one that did something wrong."

Anyways, that is the small update for now.

Hope all is well with everyone.

Tad.

Tad,
She's setting the trap to bait you and wants you just as miserable as she is. Don't take the bait! Let the questions roll off your back. You don't have to justify to her or anyone else why you weren't around when she dropped your son off. You are divorced and owe her no explanation as to where you were.

If the mlcer doesn't want you, they don't want anyone else to have you either. Keep in mind, the mlcer expects the lbs to stay right where they left them when they entered the crisis. They tend to forget that life goes on and we do not sit around waiting on them.

Continue moving forward.

Hey Tad!

Just a reminder....MLcers expect us LBS (divorced or not) to have no life, and to sit at home and be at their beck and call.

It sounds to me like your XW can't let go and accept the reality of what she put into action which is the divorce. Man she's got alot of nerve!

How do you feel your son handled meeting the OM?

You did the right thing by not being around when she drops your son off, or at least be scarce. It helps tremedously. That's how I did it for months.

Now stbx and I are talking terms, and he now walks our girls to the door when he used to drop them off and tear out of the driveway...LOL. I realize that it's partially necessary because D9 is temporarily in a wheelchair and crutches due to hip surgery. However Im not that comfortable with him coming in the house either. I invited him in once to see his daughter. Now he just comes in.

Feeling angry would be normal. The way I see it, is your XW just crossed a boundary. She comes into your home, where she abandoned you and your boys, has been nothing but nuttier than a fruit cake to you and spewing in every way imaginable, and then gets huffy because you're not there? She may as well be poking a caged and wounded animal! Heck I'd be infuriated!

How would you feel about taking your son to her place and picking him up routinely? My stbx does all the dropping off and picking up, per his choice. I actually prefer it that way because I do NOT want to even be in the vicinity of where he shares his home with the OW. The thought of it makes me ill and I don't want any part of it. However I don't like him coming in the house either, but that's up to me to figure out what boundaries I need for myself, and of course what's reasonable given we do have the kids to deal with.

Hey Tad. She's complaining? About that?? Really? Some nerve

The thing is, you need to do, and are doing, what is right for you. And you are honoring her wishes to not see you or be around you. Guess what? She would complain if you were there every time as well. Just so you know, it really is nothing about you, it's about her and complaining. Why? Who knows? Perhaps because she is not happy? Perhaps because if you two were "friends" on her terms she would feel more justified that she did the right thing?

Or perhaps control?

I suggest she just wants to complain and feel like a victim. That's conrol and power and selfish.

But she would complain regardless of what you did. Just so she could complain.

Just be you and do what you feel you want to do. If this was somebody you didn't know (you don't know her as she is now anyway) would you be so bothered?

One more thing to let go of Tad. One more....

AJ

I agree with all the wonderful posters. Mlers complain about everything and anything you do. It just does not matter.

I think they have just so much guilt and shame that they have to project all of that on to the LBS.

They cannot stand the thought that you are not thinking about them 100 percent of the time.

Its part of the justification process.... and your wife was one of those who had unreasonable reasons for wanting out, I remember (was it that you did not bring her to the right supermarket?) just like the one in the MLC for dummies post.

I wouldn't be surprised if she one day complains about something silly like the color of your front door and use it as an excuse not to drop of your kids.....

Misery loves company, so stay away!

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

The latest:

XW brought S17 back tonight. He spent the entire Spring Break with her. I found out that XW told S17 on Wednesday that "it is time" for S17 to meet OM. She had him over for dinner last week and S17 met him. I don't know why, but this kind of p!sses me off. She still denies that she left me for him. (Found him on a dating site and left me before she even met him.)

You don't know why this bothers you?

You intellectually realize she is a single woman and she can date or sleep with anyone she wants. She can also introduce anyone she cares to introduce to her sons...you KNOW this.

But yet it still bothers you and you say you "don't know why"...but you do know why.

You have not detached from her. Period. At first, the concept of detachment probably threw you off. It's a novel theory and in practice it's very hard for all of us at first.

by now though, you know how to do it.

But you choose not to. For some reason

you choose the pain of hanging on, even in the face of her clear absence,

over the unknown &possible happiness of detaching/moving on.

Why you do THAT^^, is the real question.

Anyways, everyone on this board has told me to detach and not be around when she brings S17 to my house or picks him up. I've been doing what everyone says and tonight she complained about it.

3 quick things. First, you have done SOME of what we suggested...

Meaning, You were not physically present when she stopped by b/c it seemed you could not handle her presence in the past. Too upsetting.

So Okay - you did a self protective act and you removed yourself. That's fine,

2) But that is NOT detachment
3) "she complained" to which I would reply, "so what?" Which goes back to #2,

DETACH

I was gone when she dropped of S17. (I planned it that way.) She had the following conversation with S21:

XW: Where's your father?

S21: At GF's house.

XW: Does he purposely disappear when I come over?

S21: I don't know.

XW: It seems that way.

S21. I guess.

XW: Well I think it is pretty immature that he is gone every time I come over.

Couple of things:

1) I was here the last time. I just didn't go outside.

2) The other times that she is here, I've been working.

What is the big deal? Why is she so high and mighty calling me childish? She didn't want me in her life so why does she care if I am here or not?

Who cares about any of this^^^?

Why do you spend so much of your precious time trying to

comprehend the incomprehensible/inconsequential?

that's precious time (tomorrow is promised to no one) you could have been GAL
for real.

You could be creating a new life and letting go of the old (and stop making excuses for not having music in your life)....

you could be showing your son's your strengths and talents, which sons NEED/WANT from their fathers

I think your son's choices to be with her, at times,

is not due to her brainwashing but by you staying stuck in "SadVille", Population you.

If son says "Mom said you did an evil thing in 1999 on New Years eve"...

or some such nonsense from the past.

You can say "Wow son, I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm surprised she's still holding onto that, & I'm sorry if it upset you"...and move on.

You'll show your son the dignity of NOT bad mouthing the ex, you won't be admitting something that isn't true, and you are apologizing for your marital crap hurting his feelings if it does.

Model calm strength from you and that will do more for your r than anything else I can think of.

As for meeting OM...what's your real fear? That he's uber rich, uber cool, uber loving, uber smart, uber kind, uber well built, uber kind to your ex wife...and if ALL these things are true, then what?

You fear your son will choose him as his father? Your son isn't so young as to be confused about who his dad is.

Dad's always win with their sons, if they are strong.

It's weakness that frightens the sons/daughters and wives the most, imo

b/c we look to h's and fathers as protectors. Whether it's providing a home or simply reassuring a scared kid, or not emotionally collapsing b/c someone comes over

and not retreating b/c she comes over...we look to our men for strength. We want to admire them.

And when we sense weakness in our protector, we recoil.

Pity is not something you want from your sons or ex wife.

I read somewhere that pity is one step from contempt.

Show no concern about her lies b/c the more you project that YOU KNOW they are lies the more believable YOU become. You can show surprise, and maybe even amusement at how wacky she is...

The calmer you are in the face of those crazy lies, the stronger & more confident & MORE believable, you look.

That's why the endless "WHY IS SHE DOING THIS???" is so destructive to YOUR cause...

Stop caring about it, or at least stop showing that you care.

End the talk with your son BEFORE he tells you what she said.
Who cares?

Don't hang onto the crumbs and stare at them for meaning...there is no meaning.

It's just your life being spent in "reactive" mode, and staring at crumbs instead of taking charge of it.

Those questsions you ask about "WHY SHE" does/says, all reek of low self esteem and 2nd guessing about your worth...so to your sons,

Your concern over what she says/does/feels or thinks or introduces OM to...are fueling the belief that you are hanging onto her every action and word and that you'd take her back in a heartbeat if you could

and that you have not changed at all... If you don't DETACH, asap,

your r's with your sons may get very damaged and that's not all on her.

when the boys come home and repeat a comment from her -

You can contrast her vicious comments with calm, or say "she's STILL hanging onto THAT claim?" and shake your head and let it go...

showing how she is living in the past, not you.
And
that there may be dispute about the actual event,

but you won't get into details b/c it's beneath you. Oh and btw, you don't care anymore!

or if truly necessary, sincerely express concern for her stuckness...NOT YOURS...
so maybe a reply like this...

"Wow son, she's STILL holding onto anger about something she [i]thinks happened long ago...I've found I can't do a thing about her recall.... So son, where are we eating dinner tonight??"[/i]

If your son tries to bait you into directly criticizing her, do not take the bait.

You will look so much more heroic...I'm not saying to lie for her.

But don't attack her. To him or anyone else.

Boys want to believe their moms are pure of heart and that their dads are protectors.

Do your part. Be stronger. And Tad, please,

DETACH...have you read up on it enough or what? Is it something you don't "Grok" or what? Have you hired a DB coach?

I see a lot of excuses for why you won't/cant' be happy yet...all about her and how she prevents it b/c music is ruined for you. Seriously?

I can see SOME music for AWHILE bothering you. But Man, you STILL give her all that power over your life.

Why? Why do you fear taking charge of your life and happiness? IS misery so familiar to you now that losing it would mean what?

You could not still be a victim, that's true. You'd have only yourself to be accountable to and for, so the r's in your life are all up to you...is that frightening?

Surely what's happening now cannot be more appealing. (Seriously, Is it more appealing to live your life this way?)

Take your power back. Be in charge of your life. Start being happy. And strong.

keep your r's with your boys intact by not letting HER or anything else get inside your heart.

The better/sooner you detach

the more you will be fully present and focussed on your boys.

As for hiding out when she comes, if the alternative is falling apart I guess hiding is better.

But it looks weak.

When you detach, you'll be able to handle so much more. Her presence or absence will be no more noticeable than the clouds in the sky. If you look you can see them but they make no difference...

She told S17 that she wants him for Easter Weekend. I don't think I'm going to go along with that because she had him last Easter.

I find myself getting angry again.....

Tad

ask your son what HE wants...and read this post again, please.

I know you get a lot of posts but this one took a long time for me to write and it got deleted so I had to do it again.

I really want to reach you Tad. And I haven't so far. And it's frustrating.

Especially b/c you are teaching 3 young men how to be dependent on a woman who mistreats them.

You are teaching them that your self esteem is tied to a wacky woman and that
it's "normal" to analyze things that make no sense but to keep repeating it...

and you are teaching your sons

you would rather hang on to a known miserable past,

then let go of it, to create a new, better life.

It's time to stop caring what she says or does. It's time to take charge of your life and not even mention what's going on in hers.

GAL, create some happiness. Aristotle said "happiness is a virtue" b/c it does not just land on your lap.

you DO have to create it AND you can

Hi Tad,
I just wanted to let you know I fully understand how detatchment is 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

When we have to see the WAS's, it's uncomfortable.

When the WAS starts in again, it pushes serious buttons.

What do you think YOU NEED in order to heal from this? What do YOU need to help you get some better detatchment under your belt so you can move forward a little better? Total NC? Boundaries set to where she doesn't come to your house anymore? Neutral drop/off pick up places for the boys?

Once I figured out what I needed in order to heal, and started implementing it, I started healing and detatching. I still have a ways to go but Im alot better!

I'd like to recommend a book, maybe you've heard of it. It's called The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley.

This book really helped me understand the buttons that get pushed when I have to be around my ex. When I start getting really Pissed Off about something with him, especially trivial, I step back and ask myself WHY. And it can take a while to figure out why sometimes, maybe even a few weeks.

In my case I feel alot of my detatchment issues have really been revolving around my self esteem being very poor. As my self esteem has improved, my detatchment has become greater.

IMO, you've been horribly abused by this woman. It has shaken you to your core and you have scars and wounds that don't really seem to have a chance to heal before she does something again. Yet you're still having to share your kids and the slightest thing will set you off...or salt in wounds.

It's hard when the kids come home and start passing on what the ex has done or said. It also takes time Tad, it just takes time.

Quote:

IMO, you've been horribly abused by this woman. It has shaken you to your core and you have scars and wounds that don't really seem to have a chance to heal before she does something again. Yet you're still having to share your kids and the slightest thing will set you off...or salt in wounds.

It's hard when the kids come home and start passing on what the ex has done or said. It also takes time Tad, it just takes time.

Exactly right. I see the same in you, Tad and in myself sometimes (still). It takes time AND effort.

25 speaks wisdom my friend. To add, might I suggest something Kimmerz said about buttons? Jack had something about that - his was along the lines of circuits. But the concept holds.

One at a time or faster, remove the buttons she can push. What 25 is telling you is true - be strong for yourself and your boys. Kimmerz is right as well that you have years of scars and wounds and she continues to wound. But she is crazy Tad. At least toward you. Don't let her have that effect. Remove the buttons she *can* push. Start with the ones you know and then go to the ones that she finds that you forgot about. It will not happen overnight, but it will happen faster as you work on it.

You have tried the rest, right? Try removing the buttons she can press. Try being the strong and life-loving man you know you really are.

Don't be afraid to keep at it and to try until you get it right. Don't be afraid of anything, Tad. Nothing left to be afraid of.

Nothing left but you and the man that can and will be better and stronger than ever before.

Get started Tad. One button at a time...

AJ

Hey Tad, I also wanted to pass on a little wisdom my aunt gave to me and I now see it.

Each time a new sitch comes with the Ex's that pushes a button, it will hurt a little less, and a little less the next time, and a little less the next time.

Emotional and verbal abuse eats at your soul and every fiber of your being. Abusers want us to feel like crap Tad. They are bullies and want to control everything. However the basis of their control issues more than likely is just fear alone. You know my IC told me that one thing I had to work towards acceptance on was that people are capable of doing these horrible things.....even the people we love and trusted the most, our spouses.

I guess it's part of us getting a thicker skin. It just takes as much time as it takes for us. I tell ya I feel like I've fallen down and scraped up my knees so many times through out this last year, I don't know how Im still walking...or have skin left on my knees!

Id like to make a suggestion, though you've probably already done this. The next time you have any twinge of anger, confusion, or huge irriation with whatever weird crap she throws your way, take some time to read. Then read up on Emotional and Verbal Abuse. Google up "why abusers abuse".

Just to let you know, after starting up communication with my Ex these past few months, it got me in such a tither I had to start up on antidepressants again....thank God they worked this time!He's been unusually nice to me for over 2 months and it made me a nervous wreck. It sounds so crazy but I trust him more when he acts like he hates me or is rude than when he's nice to me. Guess I know I can depend on him to hate me, resent me, blame me for all his misery in life, be criticized for everything I am and I do and for him to think Im the scum of the earth. When he's nice, I get scared to death....why? Because this is what he's done. Hate me, leave me, come back and be nice a while and then it starts again.

Now how's that for scars?

Tad no one is perfect in their marriage. We are human and we make mistakes. But how those mistakes are handled, dealt with and resolved between both parties has everything to do with whether or not our relationships mend or not. It takes a level of maturity, rationality, forgivness, kindness, compassion, and love. People get hurt, but there is a right way and a wrong way to handle things.

MLC insanity spew IS NOT the way to handle things.

Please

PLEASE

Pretty Please?

Read ... and re-read 25's post ...

*sigh*

PEI

Hey Tad and PEI!

When I feel lost and confused etc........

I look up 25's posts and just read them until I find something that works for me.

She is prety darn smart.

Aloha!

Wendy

Interesting reading, Tad. I think you might see something in this:
http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/02/09/relationship-stages-abusive-women-and-the-wtf-moment-part-two/

AJ

25 are u on the alt?

Thanks for this link AJM. Things to really think about.

Wow. Thanks everyone. Yes PEI, I've read 25's post about um...25 times.

AJ, thanks for posting the link. Good reading for sure.

25, you sure know how to make me think!

Lots of wisdom as always.

THE LATEST:

Things are getting better. Sloooowly. I'm thinking about switching jobs. I was offered a job last week and I'm close to accepting it. The best part is....I'll be able to work from home!!!!

It doesn't pay as much as my current job, but there is plenty of room for advancement. And...I get to work from home. Have I mentioned that I'll get to work from home?

As of last week, my bankruptcy was officially filed. I have a meeting with the creditors at the end of the month.

I had an interesting talk with S17 and S19 over the weekend. S17 told me that the last time he visited with XW, she mentioned again how she wants to be my friend. I would love to be her friend, but to be honest, I can't be friends with someone right now that has treated me the way she has and done the things that she has. Plus, wouldn't being her friend just tell her that I am ok with all of this? Is it her way of making herself feel better? S17 and S19 also told me that she is always asking questions about me. They say she is doing it a lot more lately. "Where's your father?", "What's your dad doing?" "When does your father get home?" Stuff like that.

Anyways, that is all for now. Thanks for all of the responses.

Tad

Or put another way, "where's my whipping post?"

Good news Tad. Glad to hear about the job change. I hope it works out like you hope. Glad you're getting through the financial stuff do, as unpleasant as it can be.

Just a note to remind you: you've faced many of your fears here. When you do that, they have no power over you any longer. Have you noticed that?

Keep facing them Tad.

Tad, it really is best if you don't have those kinds of conversations with your sons. Best for them and best for you.

If they bring it up, I would say, Son, I would rather not talk about your mom with you.

Tad, you are still trying to figure out her mind. Not possible. She is in MLC Crazyland. If I had to guess, it is that she wants to be sure you are right where she left you.

Here's the thing. Who cares if she asks for you or if she doesnt?

And it doesnt matter if being her friend will make her think you are ok with all this. What matters is why would you want to be friends with someone who treated/treats you like crap?

Tad, I see you trying to read into what your sons told you. Don't. And being friends with her at this point will cause you pain.

Good luck with your new job, if you choose to take it.

Keep moving forward, Tad. Keep going.

Hi Tad,

I wanted to let you know that I feel Im in the same position as you lately.

My stbx actions appeared to be that perhaps he wanted to try and be friends again. We've had pretty pleasant exchanges, but I told myself to just stay back and monitor.

Sure enough here we are and he's going right back to where he was 3 months ago. He appears irritable, Won't speak to me in person now, no eye contact, and only short text messages. A few weeks ago he was talking to me in person in the driveway and asking so pitifully if he could get time with his kids. I question if it got back to him that his kind behavior made me uncomfortable via my brother in law so he's decided to be act this way. And if it did, oh well he did me a favor. Im sorry being friends after a 20+ relationship, yeah sure.

yes in a way I think them wanting to be friends is their way to try to make themselves feel better. Feel better that yes they can check in and see if we're still where they left us, and some sort of self serving act that if they're "friends" to us, it somehow makes the pain that was inflicted upon us by their actions VOID.

You know what Tad, I've decided to keep the distance with stbx. Not enough water has gone under the bridge for me to his friend. And there may never been enough water under the bridge.

Besides the truth of it all is that we really don't want to be just friends with our ex spouses do we?

Yes we want to be friends, but friends as a married couple again. Alot of time, healing, reflection and water under the bridge would have to go by in order for us to be just friends with our ex's.

I think to add to that, being friends with somebody means they treat us with respect as we treat them with respect. That's a foundational piece of friendship in my opinion.

Besides that part of it, there would also have to be forgiveness. You can work on that, but it may take a long time and it would help if she asked for it, right?

She has a lot to learn, Tad. She may never learn it. But on your end, you need to expect and demand respect in any of your relationships. I know you know that outside of your relationship with your Ex.

It's not a matter of what she wants unless she is willing to do what it takes. And if you are willing to allow her to.

She has a longer way to go than you Tad. Keep your distance. She'll come find you if that's what she really wants.

AJ

Let's just face it they have no idea what the word "friend" means. Friend to them means someone to give them attention, to spew on, to use and manipulate and to listen to their nonsense. Friend does not equal mutual give and take or caring or respect. Any true intimacy/friendship does not happen with the mid-lifer until they feel sorrow and repentance.

Trusting,
I agree w/you 100%.

Thank you. I agree with everyone here.

Also, Brookie:

Quote:

Tad, you are still trying to figure out her mind. Not possible. She is in MLC Crazyland. If I had to guess, it is that she wants to be sure you are right where she left you.

I suppose you are right.

As for being her friend, why would I want to be friends with someone that has done so wrong and been so mean to me? Some of the things that she has told me:

"I don't love you any more than the dogs."

"You are more like a roommate."

"You're a miserable excuse for a man and a horrible father."

"You're a loser."

"I wish we never married."

But I guess the bigger question would be: If I AM so terrible, why would she even want to be friends with ME?

Tad

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

But I guess the bigger question would be: If I AM so terrible, why would she even want to be friends with ME?

No, no, no, no ... NO!

Tad ... buddy ... NO ... that is NOT the bigger question at all my friend.

That's about her, and frankly, it's none of your frickin' business. Thinking about that stuff is what is keeping you stuck.

You look at it like it means something ... like underneath she still loves you etc, etc, etc, ad nauseam ...

Shake it off Tad.

Peace
PEI

I know PEI. I know.

Things for me for the past few days have been a little "different." I'm not sure how to explain it except maybe I am a little down again.

XW seems a little different too. She used to go 4, 5 or even 6 days without contacting our sons. Now she does it nearly everyday. The boys have noticed it.

I had to contact her yesterday. I do not have enough gas in my car to make the trip out to her house this weekend to drop of S17. So I sent the following text:

M: "I really do not have enough gas to get to your place this weekend."

XW" "That's okay. I will pick up MY son tomorrow."

Was this really necessary? I mean really? Obviously she is still bitter and angry. What is she angry about? Who knows.....

Tad

Hey Tad,

that would not be out of the ordinary for her. I see this kind

of stuff all the time.

Think of all the energy they must be burning up being angry about

who knows what. So.... it is not worth going into her head to

figure it out because you can't afford your head space for the

nonsense.

Eventually, you just get used to it and realize you are moving

forward and she will stay stuck for who cares how long?

WS

Thanks WS.

I guess I am just still having a hard time understanding how someone who loved me "so deeply for so many years" can just turn on me like a raging Pitbull.

I couldn't imagine doing that to anyone...

Tad

Tad,

I have had those same thoughts too throughout. But shortly

after I have those thoughts the new thought overrides it as:

Be glad that you are the LBS.

It would really Su*k to be the MLC'r.

They now continue to live a life of lies and deceit and have

to face this every day. That is something I could not do and am

SO GLAD I do not have to face it every day.

Just continue to move forward and you will be more than OK.

WS

Hi Tad. Of course it was necessary. Duh. :0)

Miss an opportunity to kick you when you might be vulnerable? Perish the thought. And add to that, she gets to fight to reclaim her sons (the one's who's minds you poisoned against her??)

Seriously thought Tad. That's meant to get a rise out of you. Do NOT respond to it. If you do, it will continue.

Besides, you do want her to care about the kids, right? Another reason to not respond to the jab.

There will be more Tad. Kind of like a test and a way to feel like she is fighting for her rights and her kids. Like a kid that fights their parents kind of.

It's expected Tad. And actually, a nice thing for your kids.

I get that a lot, Tad. I encourage her to spend time with the kids. I work hard to make it possible. Even though my daughter doesn't speak to me, I still work to encourage the relationship with my ex and the kids.

Because it's the right thing to do for the kids (that had no say in any of this). You had a choice and still do. They do not.

Think about that last bit before you even consider responding my friend.

My advice, let it go and go with it. You'll have less stress, the kids will get their mom time, and you'll giggle when she does it in the future.

Happy Easter my friend.

AJ

Thanks WS and AJ.

I hope you had a great Easter.

I'm here tonight because I am feeling bad again.

XW brought S17 home tonight. I went to car and told her that I would be keeping him next weekend. (That is what D papers say.) Of course she snapped and got angry. She proceeded to cut down my female friend and remind me what a loser I was who "cant get a decent job."

I give up. I really do.

It is not that she doesn't love me anymore...she hates my f*cking guts.

Tad

Tad,
You should have walked away when she began to spew at you You do not deserve this from a woman who has walked away from her marriage and family. She has absolutely no business coming down on you about your friend or what you are doing now...you are divorced from her. This woman clearly has issues that can't be repaired by you...she has a lot of work to do before she will be whole again.

Please, please stop listening to what she is saying. She is angry at the world and most importantly herself and she is going to project that misery on you and anyone else that will listen. It's hard, but you've got to cut the communications w/her short when she's like this.

Until you begin taking action to walk away and and shutting her down when she speaks to you this way, her behavior will continue just like a bratty child misbehaves. She wants attention whether it's bad or not and you, as the adult right now, need to shut her down when she's acting out. Don't do it after the fact, it needs to be done during the act of disrespecting you.

It's time you man up and take back your life.

Thank you Snodderly. It IS time for me to man up.

I just thought that I would post a small update since I haven't posted in a while.

Last week, X and I got into a text conversation about "parenting time" with S17. Somehow, the subject got onto us. It wasn't angry, but she once again reminded me how she had "been unhappy for years", decided that she was "leaving way back in 2005", and that "we haven't been compatible since 1995", blah blah blah.

When I asked why she bought her wedding dress for our vow renewal even though she was "leaving", she said that she was living in "hope" for things to change.

She reminded me that I hurt her "to the core." When I asked her what it was that I supposedly did, she says: "you obviously haven't been listening. I've explained it 100 times and now it is pointless."

Says she loved me deeply, but doesn't now.

Also said that we don't have to be friends, but should be friendly. (I still have a hard time with that one.)

Anyways, I decided to take the new job offer and I started this week. I think I'm going to like it a lot.

Tad

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

When I asked why she bought her wedding dress for our vow renewal even though she was "leaving", she said that she was living in "hope" for things to change.

She reminded me that I hurt her "to the core." When I asked her what it was that I supposedly did, she says: "you obviously haven't been listening. I've explained it 100 times and now it is pointless."

This is soooo MLC. This script gets kind of lame after a while.

I have heard all the same stuff Tad. Truth is Tad, they really

do not know. If they did, they would not use the 100 times line.

They have fallen so far into the abyss that it is hard to

imagine them ever making it out.

It sounds like you are doing well sir. Just keep moving forward

and realize it suc3s to be them. Thank God for your blessings

because you have been blessed. As the time moves along, I am

seeing this more each day. I really think you will see this too

if you have not already.

WS

Hi Tad!
What new job did you take? I have been reading up on you on the Alt.

I check in on you every now and then.

WS how are you?
Sometimes I about come to the conclusion that MLC doesnt exist BUT then I think how in the world would ALL these people say ALL the same things??????

Tad my x said he tried....he really tried and he wanted to stay and wait for things to change but he couldnt.
One of the reasons he gave was that I called him TOO MUCH when he went fishing for one or two weeks.
That is funny cause he DID most the calling and would catch heck from his buddies because he CHECKED IN with me.
Now I have thought about this and I have come to the conclusion that they FEEL like they HAVE to do this stuff to satisfy us.
Then when they have felt like they are so unhappy they cant stay, then it all comes out.
Enough to leave a marriage? OF COURSE NOT! How stupid would that be?
BUT along with their depression and other things....YES.

Hugs Tad,
Renee

Thanks WS and Sunshine.

Quote:

This is soooo MLC. This script gets kind of lame after a while.

I have heard all the same stuff Tad. Truth is Tad, they really

do not know. If they did, they would not use the 100 times line.

Yeah, I'm beginning to think she really DOESNT know why she left. Except maybe the fact that I "never took her to the right grocery store."

Quote:

Tad my x said he tried....he really tried and he wanted to stay and wait for things to change but he couldnt.

Oh yeah. I've heard that line too....100 times.

The job I took is an at-home position for a nationwide company. I guess I get to use my radio skills because I'll be talking to people all day. Working from home is pretty awesome too.

Take care.

Tad

Ah. Working from home - Hope that you like that a lot. Has a lot of great benefits.

Sounds like you are getting healthy, Tad. Well on your way.

I recommend you consider not talking to her if at all possible. Even texts. Kind of prolongs things. She is still trying to figure things out but is way behind you in all of it.

I would also be suspicious of "friendly" just for the record

Go get 'em Tiger. Hope it's a great job!

AJ

Hey Tad,
I just wanted to congratulate you on your new job! That sounds wonderful!

I've looked into things like that, but they're kinda rare in my parts. I hope you like it and don't feel too tied down after a while. I always wondered if I would go stir crazy working at home and on the phone all day.

Thank you. Just thought that I would come and vent/update/journal a little bit.

AJ, I got your message on the alt. I am ok my friend and I really think that I am going to love the new job. I love working from home too. The job is much easier on my knees and my gas tank!

I'm ok for the most part, but still have the downer moments. For example: XW told S17 today that she is going to New York in a couple of weeks to visit her parents. What did I do? I assumed the worst. I assumed that she is taking OM with her to meet her parents. Of course, I don't know if this is fact. I just assume it for some reason. Am I detached? Obviously not enough yet.

A couple of days ago I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the last 18 months. I've got HER to thank for it. I had to borrow 11 dollars from S19's GF the other day just to pay my rent. I did not ask for this. None of us did and it blows. I also found myself thinking how glad I am that I am not her. I don't want her misery and I could not live with myself after the pain that I caused everyone. I couldn't live with the guilt. I don't think she is feeling it yet, but if she isn't, she will someday I'm sure. I also can't wait for her to realize that the grass is not greener.

I've also kind of reverted back to the ways when I was younger. I've noticed and my S19 and S17 have commented on it too. When I was married and had my radio career, I was living large...the life of the party. I was Mr. Popular....a celebrity in my hometown. Life was good. I wasn't always like that though. Growing up and into my late teens, I was very shy and liked to keep to myself. I guess I was kind of a loner. It's just the way that I was. When I met W and got into radio, that all changed. That is when I became larger than life. Now, I'm back to being a loner. I look back at the life I had and how happy I was and it seems like such a long time ago.

Sorry for the rant.

Tad

Quote:

I don't think she is feeling it yet, but if she isn't, she will someday I'm sure

Be sure of it brother.....she will. Not sure when, but it will happen. Then again, this should not be your concern - you should be more concerned with you and your life. Leave her to hers.

Peace
Eric

Thanks Eric I agree.

Had a brief text exchange with XW tonight. She had written a letter to me and gave it to S17 to give to me. He gave it to me this evening once we got back to my place. It was a bunch of legal crap expressing her "parenting time rights." It wasn't angry but very business like. When I read it, I sent her the following:

M: "I got your letter. Please stop using S17 as a messenger."

XW: "I didn't. I was planning on giving you the letter but S17 offered to give it to you. I thought it would be best since the last time we talked, you were angry. He does not need the stress. I would love to have a nice conversation with you, but you just can't seem to do it."

The question is:

What do I do about this:

"I would love to have a nice conversation with you, but you just can't seem to do it."

Tad

Hey Tad. What do you want? Want to have a conversation with her? Can you do that without lots of negative emotion?

If not, then I would recommend telling her you are not ready to have a conversation with her. If you are and want to, then you can suggest a place to have it. But only if you want to and can.

AJ

"I would love to have a nice conversation with you, but you just can't seem to do it."

Alright, well, she's challenging you to act the way she wants you to act "or else."

So, if the XW starts uttering "challenges", it's probably best to just ignore her. She's setting you up. She's already decided that YOU are the problem, not her. You can't possibly diffuse that situation if you walk into it.

I'd say that any kind of parental agreement stuff, if it's anything that goes off the original legal agreements, needs to go back to taking place with lawyers and not face-to-face (whether that's in person or face-to-face) as long as she's making statements like that.

LOL "in person or face-to-face", I MEANT to say "in person or via text/email". Chalk that up to the second glass of red wine tonight ;-)

Thanks AJ and Antonia.

I just about laughed out loud today. The letter that she wrote on Sunday and gave S17 to give to me, also arrived in the mail today. So that means that she wrote it, I told her that I received it and then she goes to the Post Office and mails it to me even after knowing that I received it.

She's a nut job.

Antonia, I've really missed you.

Tad

First, congrats on the new job!!!

Originally Posted By: tadpole1025

STOP!! WHO CARES????

Dear God, Tad...AGAIN????? YOUR MOOD AND HAPPINESS RELY TOTALLY ON WHAT YOUR FORMER WIFE SAYS OR DOES - ON A DAILY BASIS..

when are you going to stop allowing the poison to keep poisoning you?

Take the antidote and detach!...

Good Lord Tad...if this journey were a football field

I think you MAYBE got one first down...for your sake, your son's sake (and for MY sake...)

MOVE FORWARD...

that she is going to New York in a couple of weeks to visit her parents. What did I do? I assumed the worst. I assumed that she is taking OM with her to meet her parents. Of course, I don't know if this is fact. I just assume it for some reason. Am I detached? Obviously not enough yet.

um, no offense Tad, but are you detached at all? I'm not being mean here, I'm really asking you.

Where is ANY detachment? Can you give an example? Your apparent ability to go a few days not calling her to tell her how you feel--after all these months/years, of her treating you like crap, is THAT an example of your detachment?

IMO it's NOT...it's just a tiny amount of awareness of what it feels like to touch a hot stove...it hurts. You learned that so you don't do it...AS MUCH --- but you do still do it...& any of it, is too much

A couple of days ago I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the last 18 months. I've got HER to thank for it. I had to borrow 11 dollars from S19's GF the other day just to pay my rent. I did not ask for this. None of us did and it blows.

WE KNOW TAD! We know b/c you've said this 100 times or more. It's more of the victim victim self pity self pity experience and rant...but enough.

It isn't helping YOU.

Venting only "helps" when it keeps you from venting to others in your real life

but if you come here and vent and vent, you are simply staying stuck & repeating yourself. Asking if you two could be friends and wondering if that might mean SHE'D think you were okay with her behavior...really Tad?

You think if you two ever become civil, she won't know you were crushed? That's a myth a lot of LBSers tell themselves b/c they don't want to be happy or act happy, They want the WAS to see their pain...never realizing how UNattractive it is'

and thnking that if they hold onto their pain to make the other person "get it" or regret it'

it's like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes...

AND YET in the next breath, you hold onto the idea of a reconciliation

but you won't be civil to her b/c you don't think she "deserves" your friendship (which is true, but that's not my point here)

and you feel you did not deserve her leaving you and so ....who deserves what - is your focus...what a waste.

TAD-I won't read my journals from 2005 again b/c they make me mad all over again. So why "vent" Again?

It's like reliving the trauma and re-hashing the past "injustice of it all"...which is what you are doing again. It's not helping you. It's keeping you stuck.

And for the record--

This divorce was not the worst thing in the universe - NO it was not...

You still seem to be in the "what happened? I"m reeling!" phase

but that is NOT an indication of how great your marriage was or how in love you must have been. IT's just an indication of how slowly you are handling the setback we have all been thru.

So adapt!

I am truly Sorry Tad, but here is a reminder for you that maybe a tiny 2 x 4 but

if it is a 2 x 4 - I really believe you need to hear it...

and it's true and it is about some perspective which you lack.

My 42 y/o neighbor, dear friend & mother of four chilren (age 7 to age 14) dropped dead 3 1/2 years ago in the middle of the night (brain aneurysm). IT was a complete shock and we were just sick w/grief.

Her h was devastated. The "floor" of his life was gone from underneath him. She was the center of that family and a very active mother--PTA, Halloween dressing up, hosting the neighborhood meetings and bbq's, and she happened to be tall & striking looking and athletic and very funny...often the life of the party. There was/is a GAPING hole there.

Though a lot of people would claim this, after the fact, they truly did have a wonderful marriage, so it was even harder to see that much grief hitting such a good man, and wounding such young children so deeply that you wonder if they'll ever get past it.

They looked as if they'd been terribly frightened of something only a minute earlier...for 2 years

So after 2 years of putting all his energy into his children, the widower decided to begin dating. He met a lovely woman his age, and they dated carefully with a lot of thought about her, their children and how to cautiously but optimistically move forward.

They took a class together in something neither had studied before (ballroom dancing) to see how they'd "problem solve together", whether the chemistry was there and would last, and if they felt safe enough to meet the children.

After 10 lessons (= 10 weeks) they would decide if they'd meet the kids and pursue the r. They did and after 18 months of dating... Near Valentine's they got engaged

...

and then last month - his youngest daughter was diagnosed with acute leukemia...her first round of chemo did NOT go well so her odds of beating this went down to just "fair" instead of "pretty good"...but her attitude is excellent

Tad-- How has this man handled yet another undeserved knife to the heart? Well first, he has not uttered a single word of complaint. He focusses on the positive.

HE acts quickly and decisively -to do what is best for his d and other kids, and he is calls in for logistical help from neighbors and relatives to help the other kids get thru their schoolwork while he helps his d get thru the chemo, AND he earns money AND he continues to court his fiancee.

He does not "give up" or keep talking about how unfair it all is THOUGH IT IS ALL UNFAIR...

Tad, that man has problems he did not deserve. So did his wife. And so does his young daughter.

but you know what? He's a much happier man than you are and so is his cancer riddled d...

Learn from this^^^^ man & child. It's a valuabe life lesson. It's one of THE life lessons we all need....it's gratitude and joy in the simple.

Yes, You had something unfair happen to you, like EVERY SINGLE PERSON HERE ...but it's not "Africa unfair"...

Were you born in a war torn country where the neighboring tribe killed your family and is hunting you down now?

IF not, read "What is the what?" for a TRUE story about life in Sudan...

Were you being married off to a man twice your age, in a foreign country, b/c your father got money? Did you have a forced surgery to mutilate you so you would never enjoy sex? If not, read "The Caged Virgin" and understand that millions of women live with some or both of these atrocities in their lives...

I could go on, but I think I've made the point (though I've made it before and yet, here we are).

You need to GAL and DETACH but for YOUR GAL

try volunteering at a shelter for the homeless of the mentally ill...

get some perspective on how grateful you could be and how happy you could be if you simply chose to be...

I also found myself thinking how glad I am that I am not her. I don't want her misery and I could not live with myself after the pain that I caused everyone. I couldn't live with the guilt. I don't think she is feeling it yet, but if she isn't, she will someday I'm sure. I also can't wait for her to realize that the grass is [b]not greener.[/b]

gee, will you be happy THEN? But OMG ---what if she is happier without you?? Will you have to be miserable

b/c it's not "even"??? Lose the scorecard! There is no "getting even"

there is no "winning" if you are measuring (despite what Charlie Sheen says)

There is just moving forward, creating a happy fulfilling & interesting life for YOU.

THAT^^ is "winning" for real.

You dont' bother looking in the rearview mirror to "check" on her or whether she has learned the lesson YOU think she "ought" to learn.

You have lessons to learn yourself! - but since you keep your focus on her, you don't learn them. AND

That holds you back near the 20 yard line, where you got the one first down, in this LONG game...

The longer you hold onto your notion of fairness or justice or wait for HER to "get it"----the more you'll stay glued to what you think is her thought process and the more you will REACT "accordingly" to

HER happiness/misery level, to which you are attached - like a Siamese twin...

I've also kind of reverted back to the ways when I was younger. I've noticed and my S19 and S17 have commented on it too.

When I was married and had my radio career, I was living large...the life of the party. I was Mr. Popular....a celebrity in my hometown. Life was good. I wasn't always like that though. Growing up and into my late teens, I was very shy and liked to keep to myself. I guess I was kind of a loner. It's just the way that I was. When I met W and got into radio, that all changed. That is when I became larger than life. Now, I'm back to being a loner. I look back at the life I had and how happy I was and it seems like such a long time ago.

Sorry for the rant.

Tad

While I am sure you were happier then, than now, (b/c you are morose now and I hope you were not like that before)

but I don't buy that you were so happy OR that it was all or even mainly due to her. Nope, I don't buy it. Read your own words.

You had a radio career you loved, you had enough Or good money-living large, you were a "celebrity" in your hometown...you had your music and you loved it...
THOSE things help one feel happy. Don't revise history now to enlarge your sense of loss. This is NOT okay Tad. You've been in the land of make believe too long now.

You COULD have some or all of the "before life" back - but you'd rather blame your w for your unhappiness

and say that you will now "revert" b/c you "HAVE" to be a loner again b/c she rescued you from yourself...?? and God forbid you get out of your comfort zone and do something NEW and different and challenging, for more than week...

better to retreat/revert to what you claim you had, which was miserable...???

Hey, decide if your only route to happiness, comes from being m to the wife you once had but who, imo, may as well have died...making you a widower.

I see my friend the widower a lot. They really were happily married and he lost his wife very suddenly & thru no fault of his own, and now may lose a child. He had no warning or time to adjust. He simply HAD to man up b/c he had other children...(oh wait, so do you)

but here you sit saying you are "reverting" to your "before I met w and felt happiness"... what if my friend did that? "Sorry kids but your mom died and so, I'm going to check out now and stop trying...see ya in the next life!"

I don't buy it! You say you were depressed before you met your w and ONLY SHE "made" you happy? You were never happy before she came along?

why did she fall in love with you if you were so miserable?

So your "celebrity" status and job that you loved and having music in your life and having money--NONE of that helped you feel happy?

ONLY YOUR W..um...hey, I call BS...you are revising your marital history as much as your ex wife does, and for the same reasons...[u]

***SHe wants to justify how she feels and so you do too. She wants to stay stuck in her anger and YOU want to stay stuck in your victimhood and sense of loss***.
[/u]
Stop this lying to yourself. It's unhealthy and it's untrue and it's SO NOT HELPING YOU.

I read to that little girl w/cancer today b/c she can't read when her pain level is too high.

So, excuse me for the 2 x 4 but after being with her, seeing her upbeat father smiling and hugging her and THANKING GOD that she "had a good day"

I swear I want to reach thru thet computer and shake you a bit.

You have got to pick yourself up and as YOU said, "man up".

You have sons!!! Think about THEM!!

They need a strong man, not a life long co-dependent doormat/needy "victim" - which is what you will be

if you continue on this path of choosing to "attach all your happiness to batchit crazy/nasty, FORMER w" ...

get off that path. It sukks for all concerned.

In some ways, death of a loved one is easier than them walking away after many years together. Because you don't have to interact with them after they are physically dead. You don't have dead people making false accusations and saying crazy stuff about and to you, or to your kids. You don't interact at all if they are physically dead.

That's the key, Tad. Your ex is "dead", or at least the one you knew is "dead". It's hard to see that because you still interact.

25 makes a good point and gives you something to think about so you don't stay stuck grieving and not living. That would be a tragedy for a you to be analyzing this for the rest of your life and always looking back. I know you are still grieving and figuring out who you are without her, but you can't stay that way forever Tad. It's not healthy nor fair to you and your boys.

You don't control her decisions. You do control yours. You do control when you say enough is enough and heal yourself. You do control when you accept that your ex is "dead" and was replaced by something else that looks like her and sounds like her (in some ways). You do control when you have had enough. When you stand up for yourself and take responsibility for you and you alone (and your boys).

You can also see from 25's post that life is short and can be worse than anything you've faced so far. Life is short, stop looking back and start being the man you want to be. Start demanding the respect from others that you deserve. Start living the way you want to live. You are coming out of the initial shell shock and are starting to regroup. Continue that. Continue to figure out what really makes you happy without the "dead" haunting you. Tune that out. You can't control that aspect and you need to let it go sooner than later.

Venting? I'm all for it. But time to take the work further, Tad. We all need to do that and to realize we alone control our decisions and nobody else's. We control our reactions to those decisions and actions.

Keep moving Tad. Things are starting to go your way because you have made it that way. Keep moving.
Peace,
AJ

Tad

sorry if my post seemed too harsh. I don't know how to reach you. And I really have spent some time with the neighbor's family, and I can't help but feel frustrated at your choice to stay so miserable.

It strikes me as a bit self indulgent.

You have sons Who want to learn from you, but are young enough to have expecations and admiration for you--that can change--

how they MUST be so frightened by how weakened you choose to be.

And I swear to you - after what I have seen here w/my neighbor

(and my brother in law who had a brain tumor at age 32 and died 11 years later b/c he never gave up and perhaps b/c he wsa British, he never complained about the unfairness of it either. I swear, NOT ONCE did he complain-- I said that at his funeral too...geez **No wonder the Naziis couldn't break the Brit's will, those people love life and they are stoic)

Other things I've seen in real life- show me that you are making the choice to stay stuck and sad...yes it IS A CHOICE YOU are making.

The venting? AJ has a point about its' potential value, I've done it and it CAN help... but how's it helping YOU?

If all you do with the venting is VENT, and NOT do YOUR OWN PERSONAL WORK, you just stay stuck in the "Why me?" And the blame game, so it just reinforces staying stuck. At this stage - you need to ONLY be working on you b/c your FORMER wife is a "lost" cause or simply somone not in your life. She's done...and

imo--The true purpose of venting is only to keep you from "venting elsewhere" ---Like snapping at your kids or your boss and hurting YOU...

or calling your former wife;...venting is the alternative to drunk dialing and other more self destructive acts.

Note I said "Former wife"...that's right--b/c she's NOT your wife SOOOO

NONE of what she does now, with OM or w/her money or what she says

matters at all. [u] NONE OF IT .[/u] Not your business at all...

She may as well live in another city, b/c she is not in your life now.

MOVE FORWARD, drop the rope...expect nothing from her but odd nastiness.

And stop wondering "why why why??? or HOW did it all happen? How could she love me then and not now?" USELESS questions with no answers that keep you stuck some more...AND OR bring you more pain but mostly they are indulgent b/c you KNOW you want reassurance that does not exist. You want us to comfort but you need to learn how to do that for yourself...self soothe. Affirm yourself, pick yourself up, etc.

I told you about the cancer camp I went to with kids who USED to ask God why they were sick - but they finally accepted that they just were sick and

they had to enjoy their time left. AND THEY DID... Same for my neighbor's child...a

She's not stuck asking the same questions...I believe she literally got thru that in a WEEK...maybe 2...she's a kid.

you are still asking the same darn questions you asked when you first got here.

YES TAD, it's sad but true.

You do ask them less often, but sometimes I think that is b/c you are aware enough to censor your words here -

but I have the feeling you still ask yourself or those around you the same questions you did back then...

Make new choices, and live a better life, by choice.

I keep going back to your sons b/c I hope that down deep somewhere inside you, that your love for them will help you snap out of this.

Your X wife knows where to find you and how to reach you ---if she ever goes back to normal & wants to reconcile. For now, she does NOT...accept that and don't ask why b/c it does not matter.]

If you blew it and did something really wrong in your m, you won't discover that by playing the victim & blaming her STILL....

and IF you did not blow it and if you really were a great h, then she matters even less now.

You need almost NO contact with her and almost no interactions. So you can heal if you want.

The real question to me is, do you want to heal? I truly can't tell.

I hope so.

(((( ))))

Hey TAD!

I am always so impressed with the wisdom of people on here. What 25 says always is right on target. I go read her posts to other people to keep myself semi-sane.

I hope you can do what she says. I see alot on myself in your situation. I feel stuck, even as I make movement.

I don't want to be a casuality of this anymore, I want my own beautiful life. And I am going to get it, if I have to crawl up that trail on my belly sweating blood.

You can do it!

Aloha,

Wendy

PS 25 will you write a book, please?

So well said WenikiTiki !

I too watch this post for when real nuggets of wisdom come along.

I have a different situation. My XW wants us all to be buddies like nothing has happened. It's an "ok" situation but I still find it difficult and still get triggered in a negative way. Sometimes the nicer she is to me the more resentful I get.

Anyway, 25 thanks so much for what you have written ! It helps a lot of people.

Just a quick response because I have to hit the sack. 25, yes your posts are harsh, but I think it is always what I need. Don't mind your posts at all. I do understand the point you are trying to make. Although I seem stuck to a degree, I am doing better.

Whitney,

Quote:

Sometimes the nicer she is to me the more resentful I get.

I get this way too sometimes.

I'm doing well and love my new job. I'm throwing myself into 100%. There is a lot to do and learn and it helps keep my mind occupied.

Hope you all have a great weekend!

Tad

Hey Tad,

Sometimes we just need to feel we are not alone or crazy through all of this.

Life is short.

Try to have a decent weekend.

Thanks again everyone. It's "new thread time" and my new one can be found here:

Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

Tad