Today hit me like a ton of bricks.
I realized that somehow aquired poor listening skills when I am off the job. When someone talks to me a response pops into my head and I am too busy with that, rather than listen to the rest of the story. I am sure that this has played a big role in my M deteriorating.
Combine that with a know it all attitude and no wonder W would not want to be with me.
My new goals for the next week is to:
1. Make eye contact when talking to others.
2. Shut up and listen and then listen some more.
3. Hold back on fixing things and only fix things when asked.
Silence is golden. Time for me to be golden.
Great goal! And great observation about yourself.
I am working on not being a fixer, too!
I have become a much better listener in the past few months. Amazing what a difference it makes.
Hand in there!
It's funny and yet a little disappointing that I have to figure out the reason for the DBing rules the hard way instead of just following them (refering to the listening part).
I guess that is what makes me human though.
Most people tend to learn from making mistakes in their life, I just wish that I would learn from reading and seeing other's mistakes.
Looking back I could see the signs, but was so blinded by her overeacting to very small matters. But that is not an excuse, just an explaination to what went wrong. The important thing is that I change my behavior now.
I am tired of having the "responsibility" of being the "smart guy."
I put myself in that role and now it is time to retire it.
Today has been a good day! I was able to talk to W over the phone,(she called, regarding D's 18 month checkup appointment) and I had no expectation and there was no fighting.
I just shut up and listened and I answered when asked a question. Now the trick will be to be able to do that when she is spewing.
Oh well, baby steps.
I have been noticing lately that I haven't been taking good care of myself. I've had this cold for the last 3 months, have increase my consumption of Diet Coke, and have been wasting a lot of time at work. I am procrastinating at work to get my notes and assessments done and find myself on the internet a lot.
As for home, I have been procrastinating getting my life in order.
I feel really tired because I am still having sleeping problems due to D waking up crying or my mind racing at 3 am. If i take sleeping aids I won't be able to wake up for D if she needs me.
I have decided to start to put my nose to the grindstone at work and at home and be proactive again.
Time to clean the office up and clean the house.
Time to go to bed early when D does and give myself some much needed rest.
It's about time.....
slacker
: )
I made an awesome change at work today. Here's the story:
I drove an hour to a client's home to so therapy. I was teaching him parenting skills while we were also watching a video for examples. This client has been on and off with me for years. Anyway, I start hearing snoring and I look over and he is out cold! This has happened before.
The funny part is right when I noticed this the video says that "Actions speak louder than words" in reference to setting healthy boundaries with children.
I asked myself what can I do different this time around? I am tried of taking more responsibility of their problems than they do.
I then asked client "Are you awake?" in a fairly loud voice. "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" was all I got.
I then quietly got up and got the video from the DVD player and left. I figure I have better things to do with my time and he must really need his sleep.
The difference for me is that I am not really frustrated or angry with the guy like I normally would be. He is only hurting himself.
When I got back to the office I had a very appologetic message on the answering machine and he was thinking that I was going to close services. I just told him that it looked like he needed sleep more and did not say anything further about it. I got him set for 2 sessions next week to make up for time lost! That is hard to get them to do normally.
I realized that the reason I would not use this approach before is that I was afraid that the client might "fire" me, but that is neither helpful to him nor a productive use of my time. This has been a long standing problem for me to be "quiet" and not use action for personal boundaries.
That won't happen anymore. People can adapt to my schedule, not vice versa. I am there to help them and be supportive, they can call at any time, but as for sessions, unless it is an emergency, they can adhere to my schedule.
Heck doctors can get away with it, so why can't I?
ARRRRGGHH! I stepped in the bucket again!!!
W called me at 9 am this morning (Knowing that I worked until 3 am) to tell me that I had to watch D tomorrow night because she made plans. 2 weeks ago we were hemming and hawing over what day would be our alternating day and when I made the suggestion she blasted me.
So I decided to go with the flow and let her hang herself. Now she is claiming that we agreed on my plan and that I have D tomorrow. Trouble is I work until 10 pm and she has bedtime at 8 pm. I have no one to sit for me.
I guess what ticked me off was that she called 1 hr. before I was going to see her to pick up D anyway, so why call? Also the short notice really burned me.
The funny thing is she claimed she didn't get my email agreeing with her plan, but if not, then WHY WAS SHE CALLING ME???
I will not argue over who emailed who, because I have in the past and it is pointless. I will pick D up with a smile, be brief, and leave.
I will do better next time to control my anger and spewing.... I have to.
Today is a pretty tough day.
I had to e-mail MIL regarding tax preparation for this year (she used to do our taxes). I informed her that we are filing separately and I will use my own tax preparer.
What hurts is that she replied that she misses me, but hopes "this gets settled soon." This is also the same woman who gave W money for "her half of the divorce."
I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but it does. I feel like I am also losing a family as I got along great with the in-laws. I feel like they are giving me mixed messages as they stated before they are pro-marriage and will stay out of the mess, but then give her full support to end it and say that they miss me.
I guess I can't blame them for loving her and supporting her, but it still hurts to lose them as a family.
Question for you all. Does anyone else have dreams where they are very angry and want to beat up others such as brothers or OM/OW?
I have been having these dreams lately and it disturbs me. I really have more anger at W and myself at this point than OM because I know that the problem lies between us two.
But I still wake up to these dreams with heart pounding and then i can't sleep for hours.
I am also starting to feel like I am going through MLC!
I have noticed myself changing positions lately about how I feel about this whole sitch and then changing them again. I feel so confused and bewildered.
I just feel like I am in quicksand right now. i want to get moving, but the more i more the more I feel like I'm sinking.
Hi Tested!
was just reading through your thread! In regards to dreams of anger towards the OW/OM... in my case OW....heck I don't dream about it, I've had those thoughts fully awake! And I still have them. Nothing would give me more self satisfaction than to deck them both! Will I do it, of course not.
Don't be afraid of those emotions you're working through. Feel them, and have them. If you're dreaming these things, you're processing all the emotions in this situation. This is part of our journey in healing and getting through to the other side of this horrific mess, so just allow it.
I remember a few months ago I was really disturbed over the anger I was experiencing at stbx and ow. By nature Im an easy going person, positive attitude, level headed, good sense of humor and pretty diplomatic. How on earth could I have such angry thoughts? OH...but I did. MY IC told me that it was very important that I let these emotions surface, sort through them, and feel them for it was the only way through. To own these emotions. So I did just that. Wow...it was/still is an experience. I've learned so much about myself by allowing these emotions to surface, pay attention to them and ask why Im feeling the way I do.
This has also helped me make some changes in my behavior that I now know might've helped during the marriage. That was my reactions to stbx, and his off the wall behaviors. My problem would be to dive in deep and get way too emotional, heck even clinical when he'd spew at me. I'd take every criticism and address it and defend it to him. Well all that did was give us circular arguing, going no where real fast.
Now, I've learned to just listen, and address the sitch accordingly. When addressed I keep it as simple as I can. What really seems to possibly have helped us start communicating now is that I don't give into the spew. I won't argue with him. I don't ignore him, I let him know he's heard, and I validate, but I do not roll over and let him walk all over me either. One thing that seems to turn him around when spewing is to ask " Why are you acting this way? Where is your rationality?".
You'll start to feel better with time. I was feeling really horrible too for a few months, lost 20 pounds, couldn't sleep, and was spacey at work too. Now Im feeling alot better, am now eating again so darn it here comes that 20 pounds back, and am focused at work again.
It'll come...remember to love yourself through this. I swore I never would start to feel better and that I was destined to be miserable the rest of my days. Well I am feeling better, still struggle with the heart ache too. But my wounds have started to heal, yet still tender when provoked.
(Huge Sigh)
I just learnt today that W has not been paying for D's medical bills as per our verbal agreement (I cover insurances for the both of them). So now they have been to a collection agency and they have the debt in MY name only. I paid $2000 in past medical bills to them because of this stuff and told the agency to bill the rest to her. The account was in her name to begin with!
It looks like I am going to have to get a SA, but I don't know how I am going to afford it with finding newer bills every month! I will find a way though.
My mantra has been that I will not pay for anything that I don't want or need, but it looks like I need a SA to protect myself. I am pretty sure that W will use that to steamroll it into a full D, but that is out of my control.
As for myself I have had very little contact with W for the past 2 weeks. The schedule regarding our D has been set and we are sticking to it. W has not tried to contact me in the last week. Half of me is concerned but the other half says the he&^ with her.
I have been feeling little stress until now when the bill came. I have been going out with friends and meeting new people. I have been feeling great and have learned a ton about myself in the past month.
I am continuing to work on my listening skills with everyone else around me. I realized that being the social butterfly and life of the party that I am, that this is part of my personality, but now that I am aware of it, I am hopeful to make a conscious effort to make listening a priority and wear off the edges of the non-attractive parts of the personality. This is for me and me alone!
Hi Tested,
Sorry to hear about the medical bills.
Sorry to say it goes with the territory as well.
Im glad you feel like socializing and going to parties. Im finally to that place, but have no where to go!
If she uses it as an excuse to go full blown D then she does. A touch of a feather makes the MLCer flip their lid. I know, I've been living through it. Their pretty impulsive and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Believe me their impulses catch up with them.
I had a talk with our friendly collection agency agent today and was told that no matter if we are divorced and had an agreement regarding payment of medical bills, I would still be responsible if W decided to shirk her responsibility of paying them.
The good news is that although I am legally obligated to make sure the medical bills are paid, she is the "primary person" on the account so she would only be hurting her credit and not mine.
I am probably going to have to notify the clinic to send all medical bills my way to make sure they are paid as I don't want to land in legal trouble and they won't be sent to collections.
Last night I had a very hard night. After finding out about the collection agency debacle, I got really restless and had to go out for the night. I realize that I was trying to distract myself from the impending loneliness that I was feeling. I really just wanted to make small talk with anyone (how sad).
Today after dropping off check to daycare and seeing daughter, I broke down and cried for 15 min. This week is W's week to have her for 4 out of the 7 days and I haven't see D for 3 days. I miss her greatly. I think the loss of this all is really starting to hit me, but I need to sit with it and work through it. Going out is only avoiding it and is not being productive because I am ending up drinking a lot and I don't want to develop a problem.
I thank you all for your support because you are all about all I got right now as friends and family are all miles away.
Hey Tested,
Just wanted to let you know, the best way through is just to let that wave of emotion hit, and ride it out. It's so hard when the kids are gone during a time like this. I found it was my kids that helped me through this the most, just because I know they love me. It's can be pretty lonely when their gone.
For however long it takes, let it hit and ride it out. You're right. Sit and work through it. I know for me I'd have waves that would hit me and I'd be in a funk for hours, or days at a time. I was grieving so. I still have moments, but feel Im finally at acceptance.
It was living through my darkest and lonliest hours that I received the best gift. I learned that I would be ok being alone.
Im sorry you're having a bad night, because I've been there and done that for months and months. I know how bad it hurts.
Hey tested. I was curious about your stich because we have our professions in common. I read some of your post and you are in a real rollercoaster. Sorry you find yourself here. My sitch is a bit different mine was self induced, mostly.
IMO going out is a good thing. You can always put aside an hour or two of day as worry times or work on me times. But I don't think worrying all day long is healthy for you or D. I have started new habits that are healthy and do them when I feel dispair. Can you find things that you may like and never done before. i.e I hit the bay and look at the ocean while I read post from this board. I has become a weekend routine. i would be careful about the drinking but you know that.
Yes this can happen to anyone. Hang in there
Thanks for the suggestions!
The sadness hits me when I am at home alone and D is not there. Even though she is only 1.5 yrs. old she is the closet thing to family I have around so seeing her face and playing with her eases the pain.
I need to do more things that are productive, but I find myself procrastinating and doing things more fun, like going out.
I need to start focusing on making a budget, getting financials in order, losing weight and getting more in shape... basically getting life prepared to move on.
I have been detatching pretty well. W is entering my mind less and less, but not having D around is pretty hard.
tested I have not read everyone of your threads. So I will ask you some stuff. Are you seing a C, have you attended any groups,do you have any other human contact, have you joined a gym? I attend a divorce care group and the church that hostes it has a financial course. Maybe you can look into doing something similar. In regards to medical bills if they are hospital based you can make small payments they usually agree to work with patients. Also look into charity care. Just throwing stuff out there.
I am not seeing a C because I can't afford it. I have some friends that I see but they usually are working when I have time off.
As for the hospital bills, I am in the process of getting D's bills sent to my address since W apparently will not pay them and just lets them go to collections. I have a good standing with the collections people and the hospital, it's just that this debt was ran up so much and W hid it from me.
As for charity care, I make too much money, but have too much debt so there is no help there. I work with financial counselors who have looked at my finances and said that I need to have more income, because I have basically cut about as much "fat" off my budget as I can. Even when I go out with friends, I don't drink much or the friends are buying the drinks.
Most of my debt is in student loans and I am working my way to getting those forgiven, but it will take 6 to 7 years. If I get a job with the NHSC, it would be paid in 2-3 yrs. but there are no jobs in the area. I already work 2 jobs and I can't work anymore if I want to actually see my D.
As for a gym, I can't afford that right now, but I am trying to work out at home and at times even using free passes that are given from work, when I can.
I am involved in my church about as much as I can be at this time. Basically I am pretty busy except for the few times like the last night when I had time to think about it and I was alone.
I am sorry. I am not making excuses, just explaining the situation. I am trying to do what I can though to meet new people and to afford a gym membership.
No need to apologize. Just throwing ideas out there.If you have health care can you use it to get a C? I know about the two job thing. I worked two jobs until three or four years ago. After a decade. I know colleagues working three jobs. But it is what it is.
I am sorry to say this but you sound very depressed. Your helplessness and hopelessness comes right through the net. Think it is time for a reset Don't you think?
You don't need too much or any money to GAL. But thinking out of the box is in order.
One more thing have you consulted with a L? If not do it ASAP to protect you and D. Initial consults are free.
And u did not answer all of my questions
Rick,
Thank you for your suggestions and sorry if I did not answer all of your questions, but there were a lot!
As for the L, I contacted the biggest baddest L in the tri-county area about a month after all this was going down. Unfortunately he informed me that his retainer was $4,500.
I realize that right now I am depressed as I am becoming very overwhelmed, am not sleeping right, and feel very isolated.
More in a minute..
Hey Tested!
Sleep is your number one friend as you go through all this stuff.
I take Ambien. Yoga helps too. A friend of mine uses Excedrin PM. I do believe I would have been a basket case if I hadn't been getting my sleep.....
Do not feel alone, you have all your internet friends out here with you!
Aloha,
Wendy
What hit me really hard today is when I was doing my taxes and found out that I now owe $770. I had followed the advice of my tax preparer last year (who was MIL) to the letter and still owe money. I talked to her about the matter and she replied "Well I told [W] to tell you to take out more this year "(I had already claimed 0 on everything and am sure I would have remembered if I had been told to take out more as I take tax preparer's advice as serious as it was gold.) She also informed me that W had been taking out extra on her checks the whole time and that all our refunds were due to her actions! If I would have known, I would have made to proper arrangements.
Anyway, long story short, I will figure this mess out now and I have learned to go to a 3rd party who is not family to get taxes done. I will be taking out more $ for taxes in the future, but this really sets me back temporarily.
I know that I have insecurities regarding finances, but that is because I have always wanted to not be my father and work 2 jobs and never see my family, and now it appears i have become my father! Very Fruedian indeed!
I am dong what i can with finances to look into joining a gym, but this might set me back. I live in the frigid tundra so outdoor activities are tough to do. But I will think up a way somehow to get on the right track.
Just venting for mow. Thanks for the listening eyes!
I will have to start trying Excerdrin PM. I know that W has hard time sleeping as she used Tylonol PM regularly for sleep but was afraid that she would not wake up for baby's cries. So I would take care of baby at night for her so she could get sleep.
For me I know it is a PTSD thing as I wake up every night at 3 am and can't sleep until 6 pm. This was the same pattern I would have when living with W and would be waiting awake at home in bed for W to come home when I lived with her.
I am trying the Stop sign thought block, but it does not always work at night. If I have a stiff one (alcohol, for you preverts :)) before bed I sleep hard, but I am not well rested. So I will try the tylonol PM or excedirn PM.
I know from other's posts the sleep thing is part of the territory and sadly take some comfort in that.
Thank you all for being so kind, even if I have to be 2x4ed. Anything helps at this point.
There is no where to go but up! (I hope)
Push ups and sit ups can be done inside. Right Now I am doing 50 sit ups and moved to 40 push ups. My goal is 100 of both. I started taking melatonin is Really knocks me out.
Good evening all,
I've just been spending a bit of time catching up and noticed that Tested Metal and I have the same occupation in common. I usually post on Heros Spouse and had posted on LifeTwo until it apparently disappeared a few days ago. I don't think my thread is still active here but I noticed that Tested had posted on my old thread.
As for me, I don't have the PTSD symptoms any more but BOY did I have them in the beginning!! I used to wake up and feel like someone dropped a 500 pound weight on my chest in the morning. Stay strong, my friend, and check my updated thread on the other site if you get a chance. We will survive this one way or another. We have to for our kids. Good luck to Rick as well, and it's encouraging that you're still together. There seem to be several restoration stories here apparently.
I took some St. John's Wort today which seems to have helped my mood and has calmed me down.
I was called at 8 am this morning by W asking me to "do her a favor" and pick up D an hour early because apparently the two had been up all night (teething) and she had to work a 13 hr. day. I (having gotten to bed at 3 am because I worked until 2 am) agreed to help her out not expecting anything whatsoever.
Tonight I got a text from her asking my address, zip code, and town of my birth. I replied the answers but asked her what she need them for. She replied "paperwork." I then asked what kind of paperwork and she did not reply back.
I think the reason that I was freaking out and that I have been feeling nervous is that I can just sense being served very soon with D papers.
Then again she might be asking for taxes reasons. It does no good to try to mind read.
I am no where prepared as I am trying to save $ for a L. I have consulted with L. I am also trying to get an apartment on my own (am renting a basement from friends until spring) and may have to move very soon if she decides to file and I have to fight for custody.
The nice thing is that I have a ton of friends that have offered to help me with attorney bill if need be (if she files).
I think for me the reason why I question whether it is MLC or not is because I am wondering if she was always like this and I never seen it, or did she just start acting crazy. If she started acting crazy and had mental problems, I could be a little more compassionate. Otherwise she would be a raving, coldhearted, B in my book and I would probably go after her with guns blazing (legal wise).
I still respect that she is the mother of my child and will leave D to decide what kind of relationship she will have with her mother.
I am pretty sure though that if W decides to D I will be closing the door on any potential of a future relationship because the damage will be too great.
Then again who knows? When we first started dating we had a conversation about cheating and how if it ever happened to us the relationship would be over.
I am now here trying to stand for our M and found out that I have more compassion, patience, and forgiveness than I ever thought I had (and I realize that 4 paragraphs ago I called W a coldhearted B.. LOL .
I am just riding the wave of emotions right now and trying to detach more. I have been doing NC pretty well for the last 2 weeks except for drop offs, pick ups, and 1 conversation about taxes.
Well today I may have started to hit that "reboot" button.
Last night, as every night, I prayed to God to speak for his servant is listening. I asked God to open my heart, eyes, mind, and soul to Him and for him to guide me to what I need to do to heal, forgive, and learn more about myself.
Today at work we had a speaker who does Mindfulness Therapy. We did a mindfulness exercise and I relaxed so much, but also felt the feelings that I had been bottling up for so long. It was a good thing. Then I learnt that she has a mindfulness class at the university that is free on Mondays! That is one of my nights that I don't have D, so I will be there and will meet new people!
The mindfulness will help me with my listening skills, anxiety, and focusing on the present and not the future.
Then after work as I was driving to pick up D from daycare I saw a sign for Planet Fitness that was offering membership for only $10 a month! I stopped in and got a tour. The place looked awesome and at such a cheap price with no contract deadline I can quit if it gets to the point I can't afford it. Plus the free T-shirt was nice.
The Big guy/gal works in mysterious ways!
I plan on starting to work out tomorrow!
Workout today was great!
While driving at work today to and from a client's house (it was a long drive) I had a chance to think long and hard about my role in my M with W. I realized that my expectations of W were too high for her. I expected her to change after we had our daughter as she seemed to have changed during the pregnancy.
I focused more on MY reactions to being disappointed by her not meeting my expectations and realized that I could have done better.
On the trip, I stopped at a gas station and found a great book called "Living successfully with screw up people" and it is really good so far! It actually helps you to look at YOUR actions to their behavior and focuses on the changes that YOU have to make in the relationships. I highly recommend it to people as it has been very helpful to me so far.
I consider this a sign from God for me to read as I have been praying to keep my eyes and ears open for me to lead me to what I need to do to make me a better person.
I am currently considering starting a new thread exclusively dedicated to me journaling every day and if people want to comment, they are welcome. I am would be doing it for me to look past and learn my progress, but if even one person could learn from it it would be a HUGE bonus.
Let her go and live your life my friend. I hate saying that but it makes more sense everyday. Be good to yourself even if you think it is selfish. You can not help others when you are yourself broken. Heal and move on. I know easier said than done but that is all we have right now. Hope to helP in anyway
Rick,
I am letting her go. I am not using this to try to get her back. I am using this because whether I like it or not she will be in my life for at least 18 yrs. as we have a daughter together. That means that I still will have to deal with her decisions when it affects me.
The book is to help me with the times that I have to have contact with her and she is spewing or trying to punish me, make me feel guilty, or any other kind of button pushing.
I am using this book to work on myself and cultivate more patience with others in general, including those that may bring a great amount of stress into my life.
Addition:
The book is also to help me examine MY actions with others and how I may be adding to what I perceive as crazy behavior.
I am looking at establishing how I can implement healthy boundaries.
Yesterday the W picked up D with OM in the vehicle. W has not said anything to me in the last 2 weeks during the pickups so that is a mixed blessing. I was only slightly unnerved by it, so I must be getting better at detaching. After the pickup, I went to work and went about my daily routine.
When I got off I went out with some friends for a beer and some friendly conversation. It was the first Saturday in 2 years that I had a night off to go out! It was fun.
I really hate that when I picked up my D today that she wreaked like OM's cologne. It's like she bathed in it.
Even after her bath tonight, she still smells. It's almost like either W is spraying her with the stuff, or OM is holding D a lot. I am trying to thought block though with some results.
Otherwise things are going good. I have been working out, reading more, and taking daily vitamins. I have been feeling better the last week.
Hey Tested!
There is something funny about smell. Sometimes once you smelled it, it is gone but you still smell it. Like your brain had a strong reaction and then remembers......
Kinda like smelling cat pee. Then you smell it when it isn't there.
So light a candle that smell good, get that smell out of there and out of your head!
Wen,
Thanks for the advice I will try that.
I know that the smell is really there though, as my friends all smelled the same thing, and I did not ask them if they smelled anything funny.
You are right about smell trigging memory. It is a psychological phenomenon. If you study for a test and have a certain odor about you, studies have shown that the same odor will help with the memory process.
The sad part is my 1.5yr. old is very affectionate and loves to snuggle with Dad, so that is when I smell it. Unless I bath her in Febreeze (j/k) I guess I'll just have to deal with it.
It is frustrating though.
Hey tested hope things are a bit better today. I was wondering if you ever read the works of Albert Ellis? I'm a huge fan of him. I know money is tight right now but hopefully you could go to one of their intensive trainings in the future. I would be great thing for your practice and personal growth. It is in NY but you can awlays go to that web site and down load stuff for free. Just a suggestion. hang in there
Rick,
I know Ellis's work fairly well and have actually told other's to use it before I even knew what it was. (long story and I was just a kid at the time). But I will look up his downloads for further education.
Ellis's approach is very risky in this situation. Although I know what you are getting at, I am afraid it would just give her more justification to continue on with her behavior.
Things have been good this last week. She has not talked to me in the last 3 weeks, even when exchanging our child. I am mildly OK with that. It is not my ideal, but better than spewing. I still am friendly.
I am taking care of myself and GALing. I joined a gym, am taking vitamins and St. John's Wort, and am reading books that seem to help me improve myself.
I have been slowly learning to control myself and my actions.
The biggest times I feel down are because I miss my daughter and grieve the ideal of being able to be with her all the time (when I am not working).
In reality, this is not the case and I am accepting it. As for W, I take solace in the fact that I am fighting as much for our M as I can by, working on myself, not pressuring her, and not pursuing a D.
I came to the philosophy that I will not pay for anything that I don't want or need. This includes a divorce. If she wants it, she can pay for it.
If it come to the time I want or need it, then I will.
But in the meantime, I will prepare and save for defending myself , if needed.
Thanks for the concern. If you have any other suggestions I am all ears.
Tested good to hear you are doing better. I have been thinking that separation divorce are traumatic events. Especially if a spouse is having an A. I am thinking that if you are unable to shake the depression to look at taking a few EMDR sessions. I read that is very effective. Just another idea. Hows is the weight loss going?
Rick,
I haven't losses anything yet, but am feeling great! I just got done doing 1.5 hrs. at the gym, which is HUGE for me.
I am starting to sleep through the night too!
As for the EMDR, I know that it works as I am trained in it. I will consider it if the symptoms persist.
I definitely know it is tied to the A, because I would wake up at the same time every night and stay up until 5am-7am, just like when i would wait for W to come home from the bar/work.
I am proud of myself as detaching seems to be going well this week. W came to pick up D today and pretty much was telling me I wasn't doing my part to teach my child not to hit others at daycare.
I listened and told her thank you for her concern and did not get defensive. As I am giving D timeouts every time she hits, there is not much I can do at this time. For a 1.5 yr. old it is fairly common and will work out in time. If in 15 yrs. she is still doing it, then I will be more concerned.
Man. I hate gyms. I did two years of martial arts and that was ok. So God bless you. I do lots of walking during work and when I get home I do sit ups push ups and some weights. I really love walking running not so much.
I would like to be trained in EMDR. That is next once my sitch is settled. Good stuff.
As for the baby hitting others not sure what your W wants u to do? Good to hear that you are sleeping.
Today was another great day!
Had fun playing all day with daughter.
I think I have dropped the rope or at least have started to. Today when picking up daughter at W's place, I felt no attraction to her at all. In fact, I am almost repulsed. It's sad, she really is looking horrible and is not taking care of her own hygiene.
I feel bed for her, but she is making those decisions for her life.
Last night I got hit on by 3 beautiful women. It was a nice ego boost and I am not going to pursue anything as I am not ready and am still married.
Today is going good so far. I'm getting a lot done at work!
I had a curious thought about MLC. If someone was a jerk pre-MLC, woulc they be nice during MLC, and then possibly a jerk post-MLC?
Nothing really regarding my sitch, I was just curious.
I have stepped it up to working out 4x a week, which is about as much as my schedule will allow.
I am feeling much better and really feel like I have let go in the last week. Everyone I know has even noticed a change for the better.
Here's to another good day!
TM,
From what I've read, heard and experienced, it seems that the undesirable ways the MLCer acted pre MLC are magnified to an even greater degree during MLC.
Hopefully during their trip through the tunnel, the MLCer will deal with their issues and come out the other side in a much better place. Sort of like the LBS strives for while on their journey.
The LBS has an advantage because we get to start off sane.
Glad to hear you're feeling better. Time is your friend.
If they're a jerk pre-MLC they become a JERK during MLC.
I don't know what they become when their MLC is over.
I'm thinking some kind of flying insect.
I remember W asking me 8 months ago after getting her second tatoo "Do you think I am having a Mid-Life crisis?"
Has anyone else here have thier SO ask that question right before acting screwy?
No, mine did not. He did say that he felt "it was him" and not me though pre mlc. Now he blames everything on me.
Another great day today! Got the same PI$$&* look from W when I inquired politely if daughter had her medication this morning (She has an ear infection). I did not react this time. I nearly asked because I have gotten calls in the past, later in the day, that she forgot so I wanted info in case I needed to get it to her.
W then told me that she is going to buy D 3T clothing (although she is almost too small for 2Ts right now), as if she wanted my approval or praise. I noticed that she has always done this in the past. I would thank her for everything she had done for me (meals, errands, laundry when she did it, dishes when she did it, you name it), but it seemed like she still always wanted praise for every little thing. Now she tells me about the clothes thing and instead of telling her what I thought like I would in the past (she barely fits into 2Ts so why would you buy 3T winter clothes now??) I kept my mouth shut and said "ok, thanks!" I don't know if this is what she is looking for but it seems that in this situation I am danged if I do and danged if I don't when interacting with her. Oh well, I am not going to sweat it too much, I am trying my best.
Later on in the day D had a fever so I had to text W if she gave her any tylonol or Motrin and if so what time (so I would not possibly OD her). I got a nice text answering my question and a thank you for asking! Par for the course I guess, first a brow meeting, then praise. I am happy that I clammed up during the brow beating because I wanted to called her out on it.
Later in the day she sent a text asking how D was. This is the 1st text in a month. Not reading anything into it, but at least she is civil today!
Ugh....
Last night I had a dream of beating up the OM, but none of my punches would land or land to effect. I felt really weak in the dream. I then woke up and my heart was pounding pretty hard and I had shortness of breath, almost like a panic attack. I would calm down, then find myself fantasizing about putting my size 13 in the OM's a$$.
I guess I am angrier then I realize. I am trying to harness the anger for good, such as when I work out. I have been using the stop sign visualization when I think of W or OM, but it keeps coming back. I have been working on forgiving W and OM and thought I was getting there, but it seems like the anger is just getting stuffed instead.
Anyway, I realized that I have had dreams like this for the last 13 yrs. where I am trying to beat up someone, just rage-like, but feel really weak and not effective at beating them up.
I also realized that my Mom's car accident which eventually led to her death 11 yrs. later happened about when these dreams started happening.
Now, I am not a violent guy. I am about the meekest guy you would ever meet. I have forgiven the guy who was in the accident and haven't really looked back at it.
But these dreams involve family members, such as father and brother, whom I really don't have any problem with. Heck, I might only talk to them once a month and we are all very friendly. So I am guessing that the dream is representing something else.
But the OM? I believe that is about him.
I know that the A is just a symptom and will probably end sometime, especially in this sitch. I think what really bothered/s me is that W an OM went to my place of work, where people that I know work there, and flaunted their A and then put it on their facebook profile.
And she claims that she is not a "heartless Bi@^%" (her words, not mine).
I am working on detatching and have made great strides. I am GALing and will have my own apt. within 2 months.
But this dream triggered me and I hate that. I hate that I let this guy get into my head and ruin a good nights sleep.
Thanks for listening to this rant.
TM,
Maybe you are angrier than you realized. If you think the anger is being stuffed, then it may be. What can you do about that? That you're using it for workouts is great, what else would help you dissolve it do you think (besides time)?
Sorry, but I had to laugh at her saying she isn't a "heartless B". Wow, really? So she excuses her showing up with him at your work as....?
Dreams are interesting things. I've always believed them to be a shadow of something real.
HUGS
Wow!
So today I got offered a nice state job with great genes, which would have been a $900 a month raise for me because the health insurance was all paid for.
I turned it down. Why? Because I was scared of leaving my current work, even though I need the money badly. Wow. I have a problem. I wonder how long I have hated myself, because I certainly seem to be punishing myself with making poor decisions.
I called the employer back as soon as I had my wits about me, which was 15 min. later. I got the answering machine so I left a message. They probably gave the job to someone else already. I hope she is just busy and will call back tomorrow.
Otherwise I am back to scanning the state jobs website again.
Sigh....
Hey Tested!
I had horrible dreams last night. One of the sweet old gals from quilt guild brought these horrible scary cartoon like dolls she made for show and tell. They were in my dreams.
I hate that!
I hope you end up with the job.
Aloha,
Wendy
Great News!!!!
They called me back and I got the job!!! This is really bittersweet as I love the people I currently work with and the organization as a whole, but I need to have better financial security. It was the hardest decision I have had to make, but I think it will be for the best in the end.
Less work, more money, and more protection for me.
So things are looking up on that front. I feel the financial noose around my neck getting a lot looser.
Congrats!!!
That has to really take some stress off!
Tested,
I have been watching your thread. We all need to learn things in life. Why not learn about the most important thing in life? I want you to think about some things. You turned down a job that you regretted after the fact. You did get the job and Congratulations on that! Do you think maybe being in the sitch you are in could be the real reason? Scared to make any life changing decisions? What is it that everyone on here talks about? Facing your fears, maybe? Could this all be controlling you as a man? Worried about what she might think? Why let her control anything about you now? Look inside my man and you will start seeing things differently. Why does any of this have to do with OM? Is he really the problem? I look at it like this. He is an old man chasing a young woman. Can you say two MLC’ers acting like teenagers? This has got train wreck hammered in stone all over the whole A. Do you have any idea what two MLC’ers could possibly dream up and tell each other? You are an intelligent man and you need to think about what is most important in life. Do you really think a relationship based on lies and craziness is a great relationship? Let this run its course and remove the most important piece. You!
Don’t let this make you as a man. Step up and do what’s best for you and your D. I have been the man that you are now and when you finally see this in a different prospective, you become the man. She still thinks she wants out, so why not turn it around and drop her lovingly? It helped me detach and detaching yourself from the drama is the only way to get out of this fog. When you love someone set them free. That anger will ease with time and you are the one that needs to let it all out. Hit that gym hard and release those frustrations. You need to take the time and think things through. When you finally take back control of yourself you are going to see things much differently.
You are starting a great journey and soon you are going to be proud of the man you see looking back in the mirror.
Seminole,
Thanks for the post. I realized last night that my fear was controlling me and that there are a lot of parrallels between my current sitch and the job offer fiasco.
I KNOW that the A is a train wreck, but somehow I BELIEVE that they are whooping it up and that I am left in the dust. I now know that this belief is rooted in fear. Fear of not having her back. I am now working on this. Taking the new job is a first step. I am not moving anywhere, the job is in town.
This is the first thing I am doing for ME. I was even afraid of letting my boss/co-workers down. Now that is pathetic. But I now know this comes from my childhood and not wanting to disappoint my parents. How sad is that?
When I announced to my bros and father about the job, I don't think I ever received so much praise and genuine happiness from them in my life.
They all said the same thing you did, Seminole. They congratulated me on finally doing something for me, that would benefit me, and that would greatly help out to my quality of life.
I have been detaching little by little. There are days I don't even think about W or OM. But then there are days that I have the nightmares or the sleepless nights between 2am and 5 am. I am trying to work through it.
The next big step for me is getting my own apartment. I am actually looking forward to it. I definately can get a decent place now and still have money to save.
Well, time to hit the gym again!
I was even afraid of letting my boss/co-workers down. Now that is pathetic. But I now know this comes from my childhood and not wanting to disappoint my parents.
I hear you on that...my sitch is really bringing that front and center for me to work on.
I was even afraid of letting my boss/co-workers down. Now that is pathetic. But I now know this comes from my childhood and not wanting to disappoint my parents.
Well - the first step is recognizing these patterns in ourselves. And the next step if figuring out how it gets us into trouble in our relationships.
How do you think this tendency affected your relationship?
I know a pattern in my childhood (a father who was loving but absent a lot)has caused me as an adult to be more tolerant than I really should be of absences or lack of communication on the part of my partner. I still apply that childhood sense of "oh, that's fine that he's gone, he'll be back like dad" even when the behaviors of my partners are not really that appropriate. Something I need to work on is demanding to have more of MY needs met in a relationship.
That is good insight^^^^^^. Same with me, both growing up and in my sitch.
I think you hit the nail on the head KML. I never demanded my needs be met in the relationship. Maybe she didn't feel wanted or needed because of it.
I am sure it added to the lack of respect I received from her then and now.
I did start asking her to be home by 2 am when she went out, because I wanted to spend some time with her.
Unfortunately, she did not feel the same way.
I am realizing that my fear of ever losing her led me to be very passive in the relationship, which I perceived it as being laid back and easy. But it was rooted in fear and because of that I did not assert myself until it was too late.
Maybe that is a sign that the relationship was not a good one in the first place, or that I didn't think it was good relationship at the time. Definately some codependency there.
I guess my point is that I lived in fear and because of that I was not honest with her. Not honest enough to share my feelings about how her actions would affect me or honest about how I would like my needs met. That was not fair to her because I was holding back for fear of being rejected and also fear of looking like a jerk. That was not showing the true me.
So now I need to GAL, detach, and if the time comes when I have the opportunity to reconnect I will make sure not to make that same mistake again.
I am realizing that my fear of ever losing her led me to be very passive in the relationship, which I perceived it as being laid back and easy.
Oh yeah, that was me. Because of infidelity on his part early in our marriage, I was always under a little cloud even when our marriage was very good. I'm pretty easy-going anyway, and he was very high-maintenance, so I it was easy for me to just go along, justifying that whatever it was mattered more to him than to me anyway, so why not go along?
But I can see now that there was also a tiny undercurrent of fear of loss, that probably kept me from asserting my needs as much as I should have. And in the end, he didn't respect me for that.
Tested good move on accepting the new job. I hear you. I have been feeling like working closer to home and looking for something else. But work is the only stable part of my life and would be afraid to leave also. Congrats buddy!!!
Well good new and bad new today.
The good news is that when they announced my leaving work to staff and ref feral contacts there was a huge reaction that was almost overwhelming. They did not only talk about what I good job I have done but spoke more on the kind of person I am.
That was kind of needed right now.
The bad news. I just came home to find that W filed, which is why she needed my info. about birthplace, etc.
I will see a L right away Monday and get one retained by hook or by crook.
W decided to use OM's lawyer for filing so I am pretty sure he is also pushing this.
It will be interesting to see her reaction tomorrow when she sees me, because I will not say a word about it.
I need some feedback regarding this whole divorce process and my wants.
W filed and want full custody of D. She claims that then she will share 50/50 custody and child support. In this state 90/10 custody is the only accepted legal terms and then parents can work it out otherwise.
The problem is I don't trust my W. I want full custody and would share 50/50 and child support. The difference is I know that I will give her her half of child support back. I am pretty sure she won't.
Is this reasonable? Does this sound controlling? I want to be fair. I also want what is best for my interests but overall what is best for D's interest.
If W gets full custody and does not pay back 1/2 of child support, I might as well give up my 50/50 that she offers because i will not be able to afford it and will not have time to be with D because I will have to work more to pay child support.
Then she will use that against me saying that I must not care about D, because I won't spend time with her. She is that passive aggressive.
Any thoughts? I just want to protect myself and need advice from the experienced people.
Thanks!
You need legal advice - that's a weird state (90/10 only? Really??).
Don't borrow trouble, wait until you hear from the lawyer's mouth what to do.
Oh - and if there is a father's rights group in your area. try contacting them.
The father's rights group is headed by a real nut bag, who is in the paper everyday for legal trouble. Trust me, no help will come from that. Apparently the state went to strictly 90/10 because they figured permanency was in the best interest of the child. But like I said, the to parties can agree on the side to split 50/50, but their is no legal binding to that so, if the primary caregiver decides to reneg, there is nothing the other can do about it, except refile for custody.
I got that info from the lawyer we saw regarding a stipulated divorce. Granted W sought out this lawyer so I wonder if he was giving me the straight dope.
I will ask L on monday. I am already getting all phone records, pictures, text messages, and journal prepared. According to the state law, custody is based on 19 different qualifications and I have proof that I have met all 19 and W has seriously compromised 5 of them. I don't want to pull that out if I don't have to, but I am prepared.
W just picked up D for the day and I did everything in my power to keep from crying. W was very nice and asking about D's cold.
i am not attracted to W anymore and think that I want to cry just because I am getting divorced and what it is going to do to D. I am also afraid that this is going to financially ruin me and I am grieving the life I could have had with D and a little bit with W.
I am detaching but it is a lengthy process. i know I am making steps though they are small.
I am pretty sure now that this is for the best and I don't see any way of W ever coming back to me or out of MLC/whatevertheheckisherproblem.
I am moving on. I will have a new job, new apartment, and after that, basically a new life. It is time to reboot.
Another chapter in my life is ending, but a new one is beginning. I am pretty excited, but still scared for the future. I will make it through it though.
Hang in there! I know you will make it!
I am starting to freak out. People have been telling me that OM is a really nice guy, although I don't believe it being that he has been married 3 times and has knowingly helped to wreck out marriage. i am coming to the belief through the same people that W is a gold digger, which in this car is funny, because this guy is in more financial trouble than I am.
Anyway, I am feeling down tonight, because I am making W's choices reflect upon my being, which I know is not/should not be true.
Although everyone says I am a nice guy.. yada,yada,yada, I am having a hard time believing it. Either I am too nice, or not nice enough. WTF?
I am watching a Dr. Wayne Dyer special on PBS right now and he is right! If I can imagine the future of my life the way I want it, it will self actualize. If I think W is in MLC then I will treat her as such and she will behave as such. If I give her unconditional love as I will everyone else, and forgo my ego, then true peace will come to me.
Money will not matter,
my past relationship with W will not matter,
IF W ever comes back will not matter,
because I am a good person,
A good father,
A good husband,
A good therapist,
A good friend,
A good teacher,
A good disciple,
and A good man,
The poem IF is written based on this philosophy.
I WILL start to better my life starting NOW.
I WILL do what is in my power to protect myself and my child,
not out of malice, or spite,
but to allow my dreams to be self actualized.
W is a good mother and although she may not be choosing the path I wish for her, or wish for my daughter to be exposed to, but it will not affect my relationship with my daughter or my W as far as what I am feeling. If she gets full custody, I will make the best of my time with my daughter and enjoy very moment I have with her.
I WILL not worry about money. I can be happy without it. IF W wants to play the Win/Lose game, I WILL not play. She may feel like she has won, but if I don't let it affect me, then she hasn't. It won't matter to me either way.
Well talked to a L today, but I think I will keep looking. His main practice isn't family law and he seemed a bit on the "off" side.
He did advise me to wait a few days before responding to W's L's letter to buy some time. That will give me time to get a lawyer and check out options.
I want to see if W is still interested in a stipulated D. That will save some money, because I really don't have any for a L. But the agreement MUST be fair to both sides, otherwise I have to fight. I would like to see if she is as selfish as I previously thought.
Some nice things the L said was that he believes she will be back 6 months after the D. He said he would almost guarantee it. It just depended if I was open to her at that time. He is basing this on his experiences with family law, of which he used to do a bit, but now he mainly does defense law.
Today was a nice day at work, had a nice lunch of crackerjacks, peanuts, and hot dogs (it was an american themed lunch at work today)! I am about to pick up my D1 from daycare and have the rest of the fabulous day playing with her.
It breaks my heart to have to think about all the time I might miss with her because of this mess, but I will survive.
Tested,
I would not take any stock in the back in 6 months comment. MLC has
no time boundaries. It will take as long as it takes. Six months
an extremely short amount of time and from my experience is just
the beginning. There are no expectations in MLC, NONE.
As far as them being selfish, plan on seeing selfishness that is
beyond comprehension. Any lack of selfishness that they display
should be considered as a bonus.
Sorry for the negativity but it may help to know what you might
be in for.
WS
Some nice things the L said was that he believes she will be back 6 months after the D. He said he would almost guarantee it.
You know - frankly, this seems like an odd thing for an attorney to say at a first meeting. Might be some projecting or wishful thinking on his part.
Not saying it won't happen - just that it doesn't seem that professional of him to jump to that conclusion at a first meeting.
It is important for you to find out what a court most likely would consider a fair settlement, then try to negotiate that with her to save money on attorneys.
Don't be penny-wise and pound foolish - NOT getting good legal advice will cost you a lot more in the long run.
Do you guys have any debt? Do you know what she is proposing as far as child support/custody issues?
I am not taking any stock into the comment, it was just nice to hear. No expectations here. Basically state says everything is split in half and 1 parent gets the child.
As for the debt, i need to see what she has. I have not a clue since all the ccs were in her name only. Only debt on my part that applies are medical bills for daughter and taxes. I have no ccs.
Her L states that W wants full custody with child support, but it also states a stipulated divorce, which means we can agree on something with one L. I need to know what W wants or if we try for 50/50 custody and if the state says no then, we figure the rest out.
Basically I need money for a good L, but have none. I am applying for cc's right now. I have good credit. Hers is in the toilet.
So I would like to know, how many people here have had full custody of their children after a D and how many haven't?
If you only see them on weekends, how have you coped with it? The thought of this being an extreme possibility for me is almost debilitating.
I am already grieving over the loss of the time that I already don't have with my daughter, but if W gets full custody and full child support, I may be doomed to not being able to see her on my visitation days, because I will have to work more to make child support payments. My finances with college loans are that bad right now, but will be different in 6 years. Possibly sooner if my application for the health corps goes through.
This isn't really about money to me but time, time I can spend with D1 or time I will have to work to pay child support, which takes away from time with D1.
Well I think I found my L. She will accept a payment arrangement and does strictly family law. She felt so bad for my situation and respects my work that she is giving me a discount!
I told her I want her as an advisor for now so I don't mess things up, and if need be a defender/pitbull later. When she saw who W's L was she just laughed and said that W's L hates going to court and will do anything under the sun to avoid it. L also told me to relax as I have a very solid case for full custody should I want it.
Apparently the little snake in the grass L that W took me to see for a stipulated D told us that the state does not let couples share custody anymore and that there has to be a primary caretaker. That was a lie. My L does it all the time and I just had a family who just got a divorce and they got split custody.
I want shared custody and shared child support. I think W wil agree to that without having to go to court. It will save money and is a Win/Win/Win (child included) for all. D1 then has equal time with Mom and Dad. I realize that this makes it harder for me to move in the years to come if I wanted to, but I am ok with that, if it means having more time with D1.
Things are looking up! At work yesterday a co-worker pulled me aside and handed me an envelope for $200 for a legal fund. Her husband is a judge in town and he recommended several good lawyers for me. Apparently other friends are also starting a legal fund for me to use if I need to. I thank God eveyday for these people.
As for me, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. Last night I felt that for the 1st time I have forgiven W and am ready to set her free. I had really feared how this D would affect time with D1 and how it would affect me financially.
Don't get me wrong I still love W deeply, but she has followed down a path that I can not go. I am keeping the road paved and smooth, but I am ready to start walking on my journey and onto a new life.
Things are looking up at least on the fiscal front. I found out today that because I have hardly taken time off with my job in 5 years, I have over a month's salary in paid time off that I will get on top of my salaried check! That gives me enough money for a L, a deposit of a new apt., and possibly enough for a short vacation to see friends!
Today i got to spend the whole day with D. Unfortunately daycare was closed due to a death in the family. When W called me yesterday to inform me of what happened, I told her I would take the day off and take care of it. She seemed surprised, but I could see why. Before, if there was not much notice to have to take the day off, I would do it, but feel pressure (me putting it on myself) of having to make up the time at work. I have a quota for face to face time and if I have cancellations, especially after traveling to their home, it wastes time and I have to make it up.
Now I see things differently, especially when I see the PTO that I have coming to me. Although I am happy with the check, I would gladly give it up to have W back, provided the changes were also made with her.
As for now, I am moving onward and upward, starting to GAL magnificently, and am looking forward to a new job and home.
Well off to apt. hunt on the net!
Today W picked up D1 1 hr. late because she over slept and showed up with OM to boot. I kept my cool although I had an appointment to get to and her tardiness was going to make me late.
She looked horrible. In the last 4 weeks she has dyed her hair 4 different colors! She must be blowing money like crazy or doing it herself.
She also asked for D1 all next weekend to go home and see W's parents. Not so coincidentaly there is the annual St. PAtty's Day bar run in town that weekend, so I am sure she will leave D1 off with Mom and Dad to go drinking all day with OM. Maybe her parents will see what is going on and stop supporting her bad choices. I am not counting on it though.
I decided to have fun that weekend and enjoy my freedom, even though I will miss D1.
Time to enjoy the rest of today!
I think I am finally coming to terms with the impending D an the possibility of W not coming back. I think I am ready to move on.
W spewed at me last night via text because somebody must have told her that I had been "talking down about her." I did at the very beginning of the breakup, but have since kept my mouth shut. She even threatened me with getting her L involved.
This afternoon, when she dropped off D1, she was very angry and reported that D1 had threw up 3 times and had a fever. She even accused me of not checking her temperature before D1 was picked up.
I had warned her the day before that she had threw up a little and thought it might have been just from drinking milk to fast. I took her temp and it was at 99 degrees, but nothing serious. I notified W about the temp and throwing up before she picked her up.
I reminded her that I told her about the temp and throwing up and I am sorry if D1 was sick during her time. I said nothing else but thank you for taking care of her and have a good day.
I thinking I am ready for this M to be over. I am not sure I want to wait anymore. I want W to be happy, but overall I want to be happy. I am having a hard time remembering good parts about the M anymore, although I know they were there.
Maybe this is what detatching is like.
Rough day today.
I found out from W that D1 has to have adnoids taken out and tubes cleaned out. Problem is that the surgery will be done on my 1st day of work at my new job.
I finally had to tell W about new job because it will affect D1's insurance for the better if it was scheduled after April 2.
W then flipped out because she was not informed of my changing jobs, not that it would have affected her in any way but for the better. I figured it was none of her business as we no longer live together and it will not affect my end of the parenting time with D1.
Problem is now that W moved surgery up to March 30, which is my last day at work and has really bad insurance with a $5000 deductible. Which means that the whole surgery will probably be out of pocket, if she does not switch it back. I am currently trying to get a hold of the benefits person at new job to ensure that insurance kicks in the 1st day.
I knew that W would probably be angry about me getting a new job, but there is no way I could have seen this surgery comming a month ago when I accepted the job.
The other problem is that D1 will have to be out of daycare for at least a week, which means that W will burn up PTO and I need to find a way to get time off to care for D1, on the very same week I start employment!
If W is angry now, wait until she hears that I am moving next week! To be continued.....
Had a nice little chat with W's L today. W's L seems very disorganized, which is a good thing. She also has never met W, although she is represetning her.
Apparently W called her L this morning to make sure that I received her complaint. After explaining the reason for my lack of response to the complaint and the way I am being treated by W in the last few days, W's L told me she was going to "have a little talk with her and tell her to back down."
Whether it happens or not I expect nothing.
When I called W to set up a schedule of care regarding D1's care after the surgery, W became very rude over the phone without any provocation by me. Then again maybe I did provoke her by trying to be nice and fair and offering to do my part to help the situation. Oh well, she can stew and ruin the rest of her day on her own.
Tonight, is free burger night at my favorite bar, so I will slug down a few suds, have a good meal with friends and enjoy life for a short while.
Once again the Great Lord provides! I got a call from future employer reporting that if I work 1 day earlier, which is in March, there is a loophole in insurance coverage and I could be covered for April providing the County Director approved it. The Director approved it!!! So this just saved us at least $5000.
W was very nice today and we were able to have conversations without fighting and were able to hammer out a schedule for the next 2 weeks because of surgery and Easter holiday. I wonder if W's L did not ream her out for being so rude to me. Oh well, it was nice anyway.
Since I am now going to work a day earlier than planned and I am moving next week, my schedule just got REALLY packed and the week is going to be tough. I just keep telling myself that in 2 weeks every thing will be better.
Tomorrow my best bud is coming to town and will meet D1 for the first time. We will go out to eat. I am excited!
I think I am starting to live again. I see where there are times I get really stressed about things, but I find I have great support in friends, family, and GOD.
Update-
1 week ago W called and asked if I got her complaint for D signed and mailed to her laywer yet, she also asked if I was getting my own lawyer or are we doing a stipulated divorce.
At that point I informed her that 50/50 cutody is possible in the state and that it is up to her actions as to how ugly the D was going to get. I stated bottom line I want 50/50 custody and will fight for it. She seemed shocked. I heard from mutual friends that later that night she left work (on her last day mind you)because she had a "nervous breakdown" claiming that she was scared for D1's safety. (D1 was with me the whole night and we were asleep by 8 pm.
Now 5 days later, she started texting and calling like crazy all nice and like her old self. Apparently she dumped the OM and is planning to move elsewhere in town. She also changed her phone number and has been asking "who is it?" at the door buzzer, which she has never done before. Something bad must have went down.
In other news, D1 just had her adnoids removed and ear tubes replaced. Both W and I have worked great with teamwork on this. The night before the surgery W recinded her request to be at D1's surgery alone, which as hard as that would have been for me to do, I would have complied because I would have taken care of D1 the rest of the day.
As for me, I have started my new job and got my own place. I like it. I am still settling in, but am adjusting fast!
As for W's apparent change, I am very wary, but receptive with no expectations. I am keeping my nose to the grindstone and have lightened up on the dark situation due to D1's recent medical problems.
Stay tuned as the world turns...
I found out why W is being so nice to me lately. Turns out last Saturday OM got arrested with simple assault and a felony charge of disrupting an emergency call. Sounds like he'll be going away for a long time.
According to Facebook W and OM are done, but I believe his stuff is still at her place.
As for me, I am doing ok. I am adjusting to the new job and digs and I like it.
I have noticed now that OM is out of the picture, I wonder about what W is doing more, than when OM was in the picture. I wonder who's next. I guess I have more GALing to do.
Update-
I retained a L yesterday because I was getting pressured by W's L for contact info. so she could file opening complaint.
Within an hour of getting the L, my L called me telling me that the OM's assault was on W, while D1 was in the apartment. Apparently he hit her, pushed her to the ground, and slapped the phone out of her hand while she truied to call 911. Then W locked herself in D1's room while D1 was sleeping in there and waited until police arrived.
Needless to say I am a little unnerved that this happened to W and I am concerned for her. I am also angry that she put D1 in that position by living with the D-Bag in the 1st place.
The silver lining is that if W tries to get full custody, her chances will be slim now due to this incident and the people with whom she associates.
I am noticing myself crying more and getting it out of my system as although W is very nice to me, like old W used to be (probably to distract me from the assault, she does not know that I know about it), she is still pursuing the D.
I do realize know that W has major issues regarding her self esteem as efore I met her she went out with abusive guys. She said I was her prince and was completely different. Then she dumped me for another abusive D-Bag. I guess that is what she will have to work out in life.
As for me I now see how I tried to overcompensate for her past by avoiding conflict and not wanting to be lumped in with her past abusive boyfriends. This led me to be more passive and allowed her to have too much control over the relationship and frankly...me.
THe spam has hit the fan today as W was informed by her laywer that I am fighting her on getting full custody of D1. W called me crying a saying that I am trying to take her daughter away from her. I explained to her that my response is just a standard response to a complaint and that we can settle things in mediation, but I would not loose any more time with D1.
W is now sending me e-mails demanding that I change the paperwork.
Ugh this is hard to do. I hate to see W in pain like this, but I need to protect myself and our daughter.
Hopefully W will wake up and smell the coffee someday...
Hi Tested wow. I think you should speak to your L regarding your D's safety while OM is there. I would ask if he is abusing alchohol and or drugs. Usually assault of this type involves substances. This could affect her in regards to custody. Keep us updated buddy
Yeah there is a 1 year restraining order between W and OM. The last time I talked to W when she spewed at me because of my legal response to her filing, she told me that she was going to make sure that "SOB" is going to prison. I am pretty sure they are through. My guess is she probably found someone else and he might have found out about it. I don't think she will stay single for very long. I don't think she can handle being alone.
I did confront her when she spewed at me by letting her know that I knew about the incident and that she put D1 at harm. I let her know that I am concerned for both their safety, but W is a big girl and needs to fend for herself if she is going to hook up with D-bags. She hung up sobbing saying "I'm a good mother" and "I have to be the primary parent because North Dakota is a Mom state."
As for alcohol, they both drank a lot, but there was no intoxication mentioned on the police report. My L and I have copies of the report, which nicely states that they have been living together since Christmas; he hit her and interrupted an emergency 911 call; he then pinned her to the ground; somehow she got away and locked herself in D1 room with D1 sleeping in it and made the call @ 11:59 pm.
My L said W pretty much sank herself with this new information.
As for myself I am learning more at my new job and enjoying the hours. I am slowing making my apartment a home and taking my time unpacking. I realize that I am procrastinating with unpacking because I am having a hard time letting go and accepting. But it is getting easier day by day.
I noticed this last week (almost as soon as I got a L) that women have been hitting on me like crazy. I still report that I am married and would never date anyone until D was final and I was ready, which will be awhile. It is nice to have the ego stroked though.
Well I might have just blew it! W called to discuss mediation paperwork and I told her that this was her divorce and that I never wanted it. I told her I still love her and wish we could work it out.
She accused me of putting work above her, which I could see how she would feel that way, but I was looking for another job and could not find one that would support the family as well. We already had financial burdens to begin with. She also could have changed her job, but would not because she could not find anything. So now that we've split, we both have found jobs with a compatible schedule... and now it's my fault.
She accused me of not spending time with her, but I tried.. She cancelled multiple date nights we had planned and we had a baby so it was hard to get time off and a sitter during that year.
I realize that this set of circumstances is hard to go through and is common in early marriages, but she will not get over it. She has decided to quit and run instead of working on our issues, even now when we have time to do so.
She told me she could never forgive me for what I said to mutual friends (which I did not say anything that was not already posted on her facebook page to eveyone anyway). I admitted fault because I was hurt and looking for validation and support because I thought I was going crazy. I asked for her forgiveness on that.
I told her that what she did was not exactly the most forgivable thing either (forcing me out of our home, lying, cheating, and putting the affair in public and exposing our child to it), but I was willing to forgive and work past it. She sounded like she was crying and she eventually had to go because she had to get back to work.
I know that I broke DBing rules but I felt that the D was coming anyway and I needed to get the issue off my chest and clear the air on things unsaid. I felt like I had nothing to lose.
Any thoughts?
Funny, I had a big time bag Sunday night myself. H started it. I should have got in the car and driven far away. it ended with him hiding in his room and me crying so hard snot ran down my face. (I'm laughing, right now, believe it or not.....)
I feel better today, and suppose it is just part of that rollor coaster we are riding, on our way to who knows where!
Hang in there, bet you feel better too, having said what you needed to.
Oh no, Now I'm singing "Holding on to What I Haven't Got" in my head again......
(((((((( Tested )))))))
Hey Tested,
Sometimes ya just gotta go with what you feel...rules or no. Sometimes you have to tell them for YOUR sake, not theirs.
That she was crying by the end, rather than spewing, IS interesting...but I wouldn't speculate on things too much.
I read in HB's postings about how God is guiding...maybe it was the right thing, regardless of the outcome or rules. Maybe she needed to hear that, where it goes, who knows...
So just grab yer guitar and play, just like yesterday...
T^2