Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: seeking answers All Aboard... - 12/20/11 09:18 PM
I got an email from H today. H is obviously PO'd. Here is his email...

"WHO is making all the calls to XXX and XXX? There was $16.60 extra on the bill last month. Tell whoever to knock it off or pay it themselves."

I'm not sure which child has made the long distance phone calls. I am investigating. I can tell you that this is the first time since H took over paying the utilities last Feb. that this has happened.

I will be honest that I am angry to have gotten this kind of email as far as the tone of it. I have been very careful in how I manage the finances.

My question is, do I respond? Do I let it go? Should I send him the lousy $16.60? I live on a fourth of the income he has, this is not considering ow's income.

Why does he think it's OK to talk to me in this manner? Am I being too sensitive?

I value your opinions and advice. Thanks.
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 09:23 PM
SA,

I would not respond. Not at all. Why?

What reason are you going to respond for?

Do you think this will make him stop?

Do you think that he will appreciate the 16.60?

Or

Deep down inside do you think it will help bring him back?

One other point....in YOUR words....."I live on a fourth of the income he has".

Just my 2 cents.

I hope you are okay sweetie.

Eric
Posted By: Mach1 Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 09:30 PM
That is Sixteen dollars and Sixty cents.....right ?

Not, One Hundred and Sixty, or One Thousand , Six Hundred ????

I would have a hard time NOT replying....



Originally Posted By: MachQuotingWhatSeekingMIGHTSay

I asked them to keep it under $16.75 , Whew, they just made it, huh ?




What would you say, if he WASN'T falling off of the Cuckoo clock, and you listened to that rant ?
Posted By: cat04 Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 09:30 PM
Sa,

I don't think I would send him the money.

I would investigate and see if the kids are doing it so you can tell them to stop or at least let their Dad know it was them...

Sounds to me a bit like snooping on his part, annoyance that just MAYBE you are making the calls. Not about the money.

And he is upset because he doesn't KNOW...

Not any other reason...

I would leave the response be...unless you feel like arguing or defending yourself or the kids.

IMO, this falls under the category of not wanting you but not wanting you to be with anyone else either...

Anyway...

Merry Christmas sweetie smile
Posted By: exquisitetobe Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 09:56 PM


My opinion, F*ck him!

You deserve respect. You didn't make those calls therefor: NOT YOUR PROBLEM!

This one sparked something in me.
If you didn't read my post from last week-end, i was accuse of telling the kids he was a liar. Both stories came out of his mouth and had nothing to do with me. If he didn't lie to D16 then, he lied to the other 3. His feeling of failing them, once again, is what pissed him off. I had nothing to do with it.

Don't take responsability for something that doesn't belong to you. If one of your kid made the calls, your MLCer should have a talk with him or her, not you.
Posted By: beatrice Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 10:11 PM
Dear SA - to reply or not, and if you do reply what do you say?

If I replied, and I am not sure whether i would or not, then I would say 'I have no idea who is making the calls. Why not raise it directly with the chlldre?'.

But the bigger question is the degree to which you are still financially entwined. If your xh assumed paying the bill, then the alleged misuse is clearly his problem, not yours. But if it is just 'unfinished business' then I would suggest you get things disentangled asap. Just so it is clear.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 10:19 PM
Seeking,
I would not respond to his email. Quite frankly, he's pissed because of the situation he finds himself in. Stop and think about it, it is 5 days before Christmas and he's not a happy little brat, so he does not want you to be happy either. The mlcers tend to do nasty things around holidays because they are miserable and they want to remind us that they are out there.

My advice, find out which child made the calls and have that child either call him or email him. It's not about the call, but about control.

I'm w/Bea, you may need to rethink him paying the bills for you and get the phone switched over to your name. Whatever you do, do not email him right now. You do not need your holidays ruined because of his rude and crude emails.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 10:19 PM
Thank you Eric, Mach and Cat.

Eric, I can assure you that my motive for repaying H the money is not me trying to get him back. The reason I mentioned me living on a fourth of his income is because $16.60 really means less to him than it does to me. Especially as his reasons for not following through on the D is because he doesn't want to share 'his' money with me.

Mach, you made me LOL. Your response was much nicer than the one I felt like shooting off as a first reaction to that email.

Cat, I must admit that what you said hadn't even entered my mind. I didn't make those phone calls but if he's truly thinking I may have, well then he can just go on believing it. I won't respond.

Merry Christmas to you too, my friend.

I get it that he's paying the utilities and that extra charges aren't necessary. What made me angry is why did he approach it in this manner? What was the purpose? I would have been glad to respond to an email asking if I could find out who was racking up the extra charges in a decent tone.

For whatever reason H has gone back to anger mode again, not just with this incident but with several other things he's said lately. He hasn't shown anger like this since BD.
Posted By: Mach1 Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 10:29 PM
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
What made me angry is why did he approach it in this manner? What was the purpose?


Maybe because he has been so pleasant with everything else so far ????

<snicker>

SA, it is what it is....another attempt to drag you into that vortex.....

What Cat, Snodderly, and Bea said....

Just, not what Exquisitetobe said....I had a hard time finding whatever that was, on her list that she posted this morning over on Tad's thread....
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 10:49 PM
Thank you Bea and Snodderly,

I'm going to be very honest with you. Until H started paying most of the utilities last Feb. I had very little financial wiggle room. It has really helped out. I was satisfied with this arrangement and it worked out well and never a cross word was said until now.

When I went to get a consultation with my L early last Feb., he informed me that according to H's income he should be paying me about about $300 a month more in C/S than what he does. Him taking over the utilities brings that right up to where it should have been all along. That is not including what alimony payments would be.

I have let H live his life and I've been polite if I've had to ask for something or find something out. I do not treat him with any disrespect, but I guess it's too much of an expectation to think he should treat me the same.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 10:55 PM
ETB,

Sorry I missed your response. That was my very first thought as to how to respond. lol

Then I thought about it. What would it accomplish to get sucked in?

Let him wonder about it...
Posted By: cat04 Re: All Aboard... - 12/20/11 11:33 PM
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
Cat, I must admit that what you said hadn't even entered my mind. I didn't make those phone calls but if he's truly thinking I may have, well then he can just go on believing it. I won't respond.


We get so far away from it, that we don't always see the attatchment that they still have to us...

Until it smacks us in the face...

Lived it, still live it...just a bit differently...sigh...

Don't forget what you are dealing with...

Or you may end up back on the ride.
Posted By: Kimmerz Re: All Aboard... - 12/21/11 05:18 AM
SA.... I agree, I wouldn't respond or if you do, just make it a clear and concise one stating you don't know who made the calls but you suggest the kids be talked to about it. You're acknowledging it, but you're not taking responsibility for it either like he wants you to.

I recently had big spew from stbx after NC for 3 months over his inability to pay child support and it being all my fault. Oh yes! He didn't pay me child support with no fowarning, or trying to talk to me about it at all. With my attorney's help this situation was quickly resolved and I did get my child support. He then did another spewing, and now is being much nicer to me. yes I just went for a little loopdee loop on that rollercoaster... but got off a whole lot sooner this time!

Cat made a good point. WE detatch some and get away from it and then HELLO here we are again getting smacked in the face with this stuff. Very good insight, that they still must be attatched to us in order to have such strong reactions. Makes total sense, because I realize the strong feelings I still feel are a result of me still being attatched to him. But I've come so far and am so proud of myself. It will just still take time.
Posted By: AntoniaB Re: All Aboard... - 12/21/11 05:28 AM
I like what cat04 says about "the ride." If there is one regret I have about my own behavior in the past few years, it's that I responded so many times to such inane stuff that was usually something meant to push my buttons. Sometimes I feel like the MLCer tries really hard to stay out of contact and then loses it over something random and stupid and uses that as a way to initiate contact. I don't know that they're even conscious of their "button-pushing behavior" all the time, either.

The less we respond, usually, the better for us. Do what you have to and walk away :-)
Posted By: Cadet Re: All Aboard... - 12/21/11 10:46 AM
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
I guess it's too much of an expectation to think he should treat me the same.

Question asked and answered.

You know what I say about that..... ^^^^^^^^
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: All Aboard... - 12/21/11 02:14 PM
SA

Just to switch topics for a sec......


MERRY CHRISTMAS!

smile
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 12/26/11 02:13 PM
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas as I did.

Journaling here...I attached no significance to anything except for the fact that Snodderly said the MLCer is miserable and it seems that she, as usual, is spot on...

This might be a rather long one.

We're going back to Fri. Dec. 23. D19 was supposed to take D13 shopping to let her pick out some last minute gifts. D19 got a call from her boyfriend and must have gotten a better offer...So the two girls argue back and forth somewhat and D13 gets the great idea to call her father.

H said he was out shopping and that if D19 could run Jordan to Wal-Mart he'd meet them there and D13 could shop with him and D19 could go meet her BF. So the two girls leave the house...a little later I get a frantic phone call from D19. H failed to mention that he was out shopping with ow. D19 spotted them first and H didn't even recognize the girls even though he looked straight at them. They ducked behind a clothes rack and called me.

D19 was upset never having met ow before and has adamantly refused to. D13 got on the phone with me and said that D19 wouldn't bring her home, what should she do? I said do what you have to do. D13 has met the ow before.

So, by the time the girls come out from behind the clothes rack, H and ow had moved on continuing to shop. D19 was not going to turn D13 loose in the chaotic store alone so she stiffened her backbone and she and D13 went to find them. When they come upon them, ow and H were arguing. The girls couldn't tell about what...

Both Ds approached H and he turned from ow and got a big smile on his face and made over D19 and D13. He turned his back on ow and ignored her. He hugged and kissed D19 and never even tried to introduce ow to her. D19 said as her Dad was hugging her ow gave her the death glare and D19 said she gave it right back to her. ow looked down at the floor the whole time D19 was talking to H. D19 hugged and kissed her Dad goodbye and left D13 with them.

D13 said that ow didn't say one word to her the whole time she was with them. In fact, ow went her own way and H and D13 hung out shopping together. H even helped D pick out gifts for us. D said there was tension between H and ow, like they were just PO at each other the whole time. D asked her Dad (in private) if he could drop ow off at their house before he brought her home. Even though it was the long way around, H agreed. H and D sat outside my house for at least 30 minutes watching S24's light show. S24 has rigged the lights up to 'dance' to the Christmas music he's programmed. It is spectacular, but H has seen it multiple times although not in its entirety as far as I know.
Sounds like someone in no hurry to get home.

This isn't the first time I've heard lately that H and ow haven't looked happy out together while out shopping. Someone that DIL works with who knows the sitch and supports H and ow being together because they are happy now, told DIL that she'd seen them out shopping recently and H just looked angry and unhappy... H's cousin also told me that she'd seen them together out shopping and H again looked mad.

Who knows? It could just be the stress of Christmas and shopping. It would be the opposite of what I knew H to be around this time of year. He always liked to be out and among the masses to shop. This was the only time of the year that he liked it.

Dec. 24, H and S27 go do their annual shopping trip together. This used to include S24 too, until H left...H mentions to S27 that ow has to work on Christmas day and they discuss what time H should come to my house the next morning. They agree on 7:30 am because S and DIL have to be at her Dad and stepmother's between 9:30 and 10:00 for breakfast with a whole bunch of family members and then to have their Christmas with them.

Dec. 25 - S and DIL arrive at my house at about 7:15. 7:30 comes and no H. 8:00, no H. 8:30, still no H. D13 calls him, no answer. 9:00, still no H and no word from him. Finally D13 gets a hold of him at 9:15. He tells her he'll be there when he gets there...

S27 and DIL take off for her parent's house as it takes a good 20 minutes or more to get there, and can't wait anymore. H calls just after they leave and tells D he's on his way. She told him that S and DIL already left. He yells over the phone as he is madder than a hornet about it. He tells the girls to be ready when he gets here so that they can help him unload the truck.

I went into my den and shut the door when H finally arrived. I could hear the girls and H but couldn't make out what was being said while they were in the family room. He told them that he hadn't been to sleep yet by 5:00 that morning. He said that he was at the ER. While ow was at work the day before, a man patient grabbed her and knocked her head into the wall a few times. (She works in a nursing home) Apparently the pain got worse when she got home that night and he ended up running her to the ER and they gave her some sort of muscle relaxer.

So, by 5:00 am yesterday morning when they finally get home from the ER and H finishes up wrapping he decided to sit in his chair a while before coming over to my house and ended up falling asleep and that's why he was late.

He stays for the girls opening their gifts. I had prepared some appetizers (Little smokies wrapped in bacon, covered in brown sugar and baked in the oven) and made a cookie tray up beforehand and H really enjoyed them if the number he ate was any indication... He was getting ready to leave and I hear him at the door. He asks the girls if anybody is coming over for dinner and our Christmas later, besides S27 and DIL? So very strange that he seems unconcerned that he's left ow at home, drugged up, and is asking them if we're going to have anyone else here later besides us...

I'm not reading anything into anything. I just thank God that I'm in a much better place now than the first Christmas, and even last year's. I'm not saying that I didn't have any feelings about hearing them in there together having a good time which was so special to us in year's past, but all I felt were little twinges. I did not feel any need to see him. Not that I was afraid or hiding, I just didn't need to put myself through something that I have no part in anymore.

We had our Christmas as a family later. After we were done opening gifts, I prepared the dinner S27 had bought for us. We had prime rib, baked potato, shrimp and stuffed mushrooms. It was so good!

Wouldn't you know that DIL went home and posted on FB about how delicious it was and that I am a great cook.

We changed it up this year and have started new traditions. H has always just wanted a buffet type meal on Christmas day. I'd make homemade lasagna with my own sauce, and we'd have a veggie tray, dips, cheese, pepperoni and crackers, just snacky type foods.

Cleaning up later, I found a receipt that must have fallen out of H's jacket while he was here. It was dated the 23rd of Dec., the day D13 was out shopping with him. On it among other things was for a couple tins of frozen lasagna...

If you've gotten this far, bless you. lol This just gives some clue to those that think that the MLCer is living the high life, that all is not as it seems.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 12/26/11 02:48 PM
Seeking,
I'm glad to read that you had a nice Christmas. Good for your dil in posting what a wonderful cook you are!

Appearances are deceiving aren't they? We all think that they are living the good life and look what has been revealed to you in the past 48 hours. A purchase of tin food when he could have had a home cooked meal? The ow drugged up and yet he left her to come spend some time w/his family? The arguing? I honestly don't think it was the stress of the season. I think it's been going on for quite some time. He is torn and the more he pulls towards the family he left behind, the worse it will get for him.

As you move along, more and more will be revealed to you. It's not a happy life over in his little world. It takes long time for them to come to realize what they have lost and may never regain. So sad.

But on a different note, enjoy the rest of the holidays. It sounds like everything turned out okay yesterday and now on to the new year!
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: All Aboard... - 12/27/11 08:25 PM
Inspiring post. I believe this is just a small glimpse of how hard reality is for the mid-lifer. OW got her Karma in the nursing home.....
Posted By: dl443322 Re: All Aboard... - 12/27/11 10:29 PM
Merry Christmas, my friend. Glad you had a good one.

I am not at all surprised by what you wrote. They ran away from themselves. In time, most realize, though wont admit, that the bandaid they tried didnt work because the problem was within them.

Oh well. Their choice.

You are doing great. I wish you all good things in the coming year.
Posted By: punkin Re: All Aboard... - 12/29/11 03:44 AM
Seeking,

Jealous of your wonderful Christmas. My family is still somewhat torn asunder by all that has passed. Next year, I vow to be better at organization and participation. Time just really got away from me this year. Then, when lightening hit my computer! Suffice it to say, I've been a bit out of it this month.

You sound wonderful.
Posted By: Mila Re: All Aboard... - 01/16/12 06:45 PM
Hi SA, so happy that you had a nice Xmas...and you are right, with our exes...their new lives are probably not as wonderful as they imagined they would be...


(((hugs)))
Posted By: BeingMe Re: All Aboard... - 01/16/12 07:57 PM
Wow! The reality of leaving one's family really hits hard at a time like Christmas. I'm glad you were able to get a glimpse.
Posted By: courageous wife Re: All Aboard... - 01/25/12 02:07 AM
HI SA!!!!

Just stopping in to say HELLO!!! Took me awhile to remember my password and then another little while to find your thread!

Always praying for you!!!
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 01/25/12 10:31 AM
Hey CW!!!

So glad you came back for a visit! Please update when you can. You've been missed!

Thank you for the prayers.
Posted By: DiamondGirl Re: All Aboard... - 01/25/12 02:51 PM
Hi SA,

I just wanted to say I am so impressed at how strong and confident you sound!

Good for you!!

((hugs))
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 01/26/12 10:36 AM
DG,

Thanks for stopping by and thanks for updating!

So good to hear from members that haven't posted in a while!

I hope everyone has a great day!
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 01/28/12 10:50 AM
Just out of curiosity I have a poll question. It seems that many of you (LBS) have either heard apologies or regrets from your MLCers for what they've done at some point in their journeys.

I thought it would be interesting to hear from everyone on whether or not you've ever heard any type of apology/regret and how long into their journey did you hear it? Thanks!

I'll start off. H left Oct 5, 2009, and I or the kids have yet to hear an apology or even one word of regret from him. I have no expectations that we ever will.
Posted By: Cadet Re: All Aboard... - 01/28/12 01:31 PM
Originally Posted By: seeking answers

I'll start off. H left Oct 5, 2009, and I or the kids have yet to hear an apology or even one word of regret from him.
I have no expectations that we ever will.

I have not either and
I disagree with the bold above and would like to point out that it IS an EXPECTATION albeit it is in the negative.

Most MLC'ers do come through the tunnel, just not on anyone elses schedule but their own.
Posted By: beatrice Re: All Aboard... - 01/28/12 01:34 PM
SA I had what I thought was a heartfelt apology and desire to reconcile at the beginning of 2011 - this was more than 5 years post bomb. However this period of remorse and regret and attempted reconciliation lasted about 2/3 weeks, and it was like watching snow melting in the sun, he gradually withdrew back into MLC, and I would say has been 'worse' since then . . . . Was it anything I did. No I truly do not think so. I was supportive, non pressurising, and let him talk as much as he wanted to.

I believe I had worked through my own anger and demonstrated forgiveness . . . . So apology is no indicator that they are coming out of MLC. I believe they 'wake up' periodically, and Dr Jekyll attempts to claw his way out, but MLC and their unresolved issues so often pull them back into what has become an easier way of life. Dealing with the aftermath of betrayal is hard for the MLCer.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 01/28/12 02:17 PM
Cadet, I can't ever seem to please you. lol It really isn't an expectation, meaning that for me it doesn't matter whether he does or doesn't. It's detachment at this point.

I'm just curious about MLC and thought this would be a good topic starter.

Thank you both Cadet and Beatrice for posting.

Cadet, how long has your W been in MLC?
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 01/28/12 04:05 PM
SA,
I received a very crazy apology from my xh approximately 5 1/2 years after he left. The apology was for his behavior and what he had put me through the entire marriage. It was not an apology for what he had done during his mlcing days.

They tend to have moments of clarity and if they are further along in their crisis, they will offer up some half hearted attempts of apologies. Some never provide them and others, once they are through the crisis and feel safer in talking with the lbs will apologize or actually begin talking about the destruction.
Posted By: beatrice Re: All Aboard... - 01/28/12 04:12 PM
Snodderly's post made total sense in terms of my xh's apology. The moment he started to dig a little deeper than the moment of clarity and began to look at the overall destruction was the point at which it all became too much.

Fwiw I have come to believe one reason why so many remain stuck is not down to anything we have done or failed to do, but to their own inability to face the destruction, which has gone far beyond the marriage.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 01/28/12 04:29 PM
Thank you Snodderly and Beatrice.

Do you wise ones believe that some MLCer's can't face the issues that were at the core of their MLC? Is that why some possibly seem to stay stuck? That it's just easier to blame the LBS and marriage than to deal with their deep down inner issues? I am assuming that some never probably even make the connection.

I also know that no marriage is perfect, but in reading about the reasons the MLCer gives for leaving the marriage, a lot of them seem so superficial and petty.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 01/28/12 05:25 PM
SA,
I firmly believe they face their issues or the destruction that have created. You have to remember, these are people who have not "owned" their issues. Many of them are conflict avoiders/passive/agressive individuals. Very seldom will they admit that they've done something wrong and it will always be the other parties' fault.

Bottom line, no marriage is going to be perfect. There are always going to be some issues that crop up, but most of these issues can be resolved if both parties work together. The mlcers can't justify why they left us, so they come up with petty things, i.e., just like kids.
Posted By: WCW Re: All Aboard... - 01/29/12 03:13 PM
As snodderly said, no marriage is going to be perfect. I think marriage is one of the hardest jobs in life. But, the rewards should offset the hard work. So many people are only looking for the rewards. If you got paid a weekly wage for staying married, would people work better to stay married?

Quote:
Fwiw I have come to believe one reason why so many remain stuck is not down to anything we have done or failed to do, but to their own inability to face the destruction, which has gone far beyond the marriage.
I agree with Beatrice, the destruction goes far beyond the relationship of being husband and wife. Depending on how the LBS handled the mlc'r, so many other people/friends/family have been affected as well.

My H has not said 'gee sorry', nor verbalized what he did and how it drug us down. I do think that as we continue to heal us, that conversation will still come to us. I'm not necessarily looking forward to that time, I think we will hurt again, and then grow forward.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 01/29/12 04:15 PM
Thanks for weighing in WCW.

Sometimes I think there are unspoken apologies, ones where actions speak louder than words. Especially, from ones that have a hard time expressing feelings.
Posted By: beatrice Re: All Aboard... - 01/29/12 04:16 PM
Originally Posted By: WCW

I agree with Beatrice, the destruction goes far beyond the relationship of being husband and wife. Depending on how the LBS handled the mlc'r, so many other people/friends/family have been affected as well.


I don't think the destruction depends on how the LBS handled the MLCer. That places a responsibility on the LBS which actually lies with the MLCer. They often treat their family and friends with total contempt and great unkindness. There is NOTHING that the LBS can do about that. We are already carrying a great burden, especially if we have children, being a single parent. I try to behave with kindness and dignity, but I am not responsible for the destruction which my xh caused.
Posted By: goodattitudegirl Re: All Aboard... - 01/29/12 05:08 PM
Seeking,

I haven't posted in awhile, but check in often to see what you and others write. There is much wisdom here for LBSers at all stages of this journey. Many times I find nuggets of validation or a different perspective that helps me to move another step forward on my journey. Many thanks to you, beatrice, snodderly, WCW, Antonia, Cadet, and many, many more for continuing to post.

Something you wrote above caught my attention and I am curious to hear folks' perspective on this.
Originally Posted By: seeking anwers
Sometimes I think there are unspoken apologies, ones where actions speak louder than words. Especially, from ones that have a hard time expressing feelings.

This is one aspect of DBing that has never been very clear to me. In all the time I spent talking with Jody my impression was that I shouldn't expect XH to offer a spoken/written apology (although it can happen). I agree that it would be very difficult for anyone to apologize directly after so much water had gone under the bridge (although some do). However, if the WAS doesn't offer a spoken/written acknowledgement that they played a role in the M difficulties, how do you know that the WAS isn't just sweeping what happened under the carpet again, as I think many of them are prone to do. Having been raised by an alcoholic mother, XH had difficulty asking for what he needed. If he had to ask for something that he needed emotionally (i.e. nurturing, $ex), the value of that exchange was greatly devalued. He wanted me to be able to anticipate his needs (i.e. mind read) and meet them.

I'm not disagreeing with you SA about your statement, just wondering what folks think about how you can know if the MLCers actions signal a recognition of their role in the M problems. I would think that at some point there needs to be a verbal/written acknowledgement of some type for real healing to occur, even if it is months after actions begin to change. I guess that in my case that (verbal/written words) would signal to me that XH had recognized that expecting his partner to read minds wasn't a long-term strategy for keeping both partners happy in a R.

GAG
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 01/29/12 06:35 PM
Great to hear from you GAG! Thanks for stopping by and posting.

It's always interesting to hear people's perspectives. I appreciate you all taking the time to share your knowledge,views and opinions.

I have gained a lot of insight from this board. Thank you.
Posted By: cat04 Re: All Aboard... - 01/30/12 01:06 PM
SA,

You know I got an apology of sorts. For the fact that things didn't work out. I guess it was around 3 years or so after the bomb. Strange things happen in the minds of our MLCer's.
Stranger than I wabt to try to figure out sometimes.

Anyway, just thought I would share...

Hope you are doing well smile
Posted By: BeingMe Re: All Aboard... - 01/31/12 07:27 AM
I got lots of apologies just after the EA, and we were supposed to be in piecing. But, years later, he hasn't changed at all. It's all very well to say sorry, but you have to act it too. He kept me hanging for more than 6 years. So, apologies don't mean anything, unless they do the work too.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 01/31/12 10:15 AM
Cat and BeingMe, thank you for posting. It's all very interesting.
Posted By: tadpole1025 Re: All Aboard... - 02/01/12 04:13 AM
Hi SA. Not sure if you saw my new thread, but I did post an update.

I wanted to comment on this that you said earlier in your thread:

Quote:
I also know that no marriage is perfect, but in reading about the reasons the MLCer gives for leaving the marriage, a lot of them seem so superficial and petty.


Very true! My X gave these reasons for leaving me:

I wouldn't get a vasectomy.

I always took her to the wrong grocery store.

I wouldn't let her wear what she wanted.

She was never dark enough for me.

I wouldn't let her adopt a daughter from China.

Amazing stuff isn't it? Hope you are well.

Tad
Posted By: BeingMe Re: All Aboard... - 02/03/12 08:51 AM
My H recently told me that he resented me for always talking him out of the cool cars he wanted to buy. These were little fix-it minis, and a funny little yellow MG. In the end, he bought an old Jeep, that burst into flames while he was on the road. I did him a favor, but he doesn't see it. I just said to him, "if you really wanted those cars, I wouldn't have been able to talk him out of it."
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 02/22/12 09:30 AM
Something I'm very curious about and TBH used to bother me greatly but detachment and time have lessened those feelings.

H will no longer enter my house (except at Christmas) and even will go as far as calling from his car to the house if the girls aren't out there when he comes to pick them up. The door is 20' from the driveway.

He will go to great lengths to avoid seeing me and can't even stand to talk to me on the phone. The only real way he will communicate with me is through email and text.

Through email he will sometimes ask what I think about something he has done. He asks for my opinion or what I think? Granted these things are few and far between but sometimes throw me off a bit although I no longer dwell about their meaning.

Just curious why he wants to know what I think and at the same time can no longer look at me or talk to me face to face? He will literally turn his head away from me, so he doesn't have to look at me. Does anyone else experience this and/or have an explanation or opinion?

Just for background, I haven't talked R with H face to face or brought up anything that would induce guilt (since BD almost 2 1/2 years ago). I am upbeat and smiling whenever there's an encounter and happy to report I don't have to 'act as if' anymore. It's genuine.:)
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 02/22/12 12:41 PM
Seeking,
I think your xh is very ashamed and guilty for what he's done. He can't look you in the eye because he knows that he's really hurt you. They tend to feel more comfortable utilizing electronics to stay in touch w/us. He's not comfortable in his own skin and doesn't know how to deal w/it, just like a child who has done something terribly wrong and doesn't know how to talk about it w/a parent.

I do believe that one day, he will make a move and come into your home, but it's going to be a while. He's still testing the waters w/you and needs to make sure it is a safe environment, even though you have been gracious and kind, they still remain cautious for a long time.

If I were you, I'd continue doing what you are doing and live your life to the fullest. He is the one that has to find a way to catch up to you and your life as it is today.
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: All Aboard... - 02/23/12 03:05 PM
Seeking,

Mine did that for the longest time, about 3 years. Over Christmas he came over and really acted like he wanted to come in. I invited him in and he looked around the house a lot. He stayed for about an hour, talked and left suddenly. It was so weird and unexpected. Continue to be consistent in how you treat him.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 02/23/12 09:05 PM
Thank you for your responses Snodderly and Trusting.

Snodderly, you sure put a different spin on it than I was thinking. My thoughts were that he harbored such hatred for me that he couldn't stand to look at or be around me.
Posted By: punkin Re: All Aboard... - 02/24/12 12:33 AM
Seeking,

Not to hijack your site, but you pose a question that I have long pondered. What Snodderly says makes perfect sense, but the opposite is also just as obvious. I often ask myself if all the psycho-babble BS is what is real, or is it just what we tell ourselves to make it palatable? OUR self justification for the way things have turned out?

I apologize if I offend anyone. I do not mean to rain on anyone's parade, much less destroy their hopes. I am in the same boat as everyone here. I just want to be totally honest with myself on this. No D happens by itself. I truly believe we all have our own guilt to bear on that point. And nothing excuses the way most of us have been betrayed and hurt. Although my X has absolutely nothing to do with me in any way, shape, form or fashion, I have to ask myself, DOES HE TRULY HATE MY GUTS? HOW much of this am I responsible for?

Again, not to hijack, you just pulled the pin on something I have never been able to come to terms with.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 02/24/12 12:56 AM
Punkin,
You raised a valid question...in many instances, they don't hate us. My xh would never come into the house when I was here. He would put stuff in the mailbox and drive away. I do think that at the time they are exiting from the relationship, they feel suffocated and hate the situation that they are in. They resent us, but I do not think that they hate us as people. They hate the fact that we are connected to what they think is an awful situation (by extension). If they truly hated us, they wouldn't come up with the "let's be friends" statement at a later time.

Punkin, there is absolutely no excuse in this world for what they've done to us, mlc or not. Normal, rational people would not be saying they haven't been happy for a year, two years, etc. I firmly believe that if our marriages were such a mess and unhappy, all of us would have walked a very, very long time ago. So, with that being said, it's not you, it's him and his need to grow up. You did the best that you could w/what you had to work with. None of us are mind readers or have crystal balls. They did not sit down and talk to us about their feelings until it was too late and they already had a foot out the door.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 02/24/12 02:31 AM
Punkin,

By the time my H talked to me he already was 'gone'. He had re-met the ow 2 weeks before and he'd made up his mind. He told me he'd just realized how unhappy he was during the previous 3 months. Next thing I knew he was telling me he'd been unhappy for years.

Snodderly is right, so many of H's excuses and justifications for what he'd done were irrational. They weren't consistent with the man I had been married to for 27+ years. It was not just I who had noticed. Family, friends and acquaintances said the same thing. Who is this guy?

The strange thing about all this is that H isn't any happier now, and maybe even less happy than when we were together. Will he ever connect the dots? Who knows? His miserable life according to something he said a year ago, is still all my fault. Maybe some day he'll deal with the issues that are truly causing his unhappiness.

Punkin, none of our marriages were perfect, but I truly doubt that people who seek out boards of this nature trying to find ways to save their marriages ever deserved what happened to our Rs. People that don't love and care deeply for their spouses don't bother trying to find answers. Don't care about recognizing and owning their part in the breakdown and certainly don't go about trying to fix those things they don't like about themselves.

I made some serious self realizations about me and my shortcomings. Some of those things are fixed and some are still a work in progress. I strive to be the best me I can be everyday. Some days I fall short. I am human and I've forgiven myself. In doing so, I've forgiven H. I truly hope he finds what he desperately seeks.

Punkin, as Snodderly said, you did the best you could with what you had to work with. You did nothing to your H out of malice or harm, but out of love and concern. Forgive yourself...
Posted By: cat04 Re: All Aboard... - 02/27/12 03:39 PM
Well look who is wise now... smile

Seeking,

You are an incredible woman, filled with compassion and insight beyond what I think you recognize.

I agree with Snodderly in that while they hate the situation (and us by association), I don't think they truly hate us. At least not after the anger begins to subside.

Your H, I wouldn't be surprised if that isn't beginning to happen with him. At least a bit. And yes, this is when the guilt begins to set in. My X, couldn't talk to me for the longest time. When he finally did, and opened up about OW, he looked for me to be ok with it, for it to be ok for him. Later, the anger returned briefly. Such is the cycle for them.

Punkin,

I agree with SA and Snodderly...

You are correct in that a D doesn't happen by itself, we all do have our own role in it.

Sometimes that role is simply in realizing that we have to let go. Knowing that we have done everything we could to try to repair our end of the damage.

Forgivness truly is a gift we give ourselves.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 02/27/12 10:34 PM
Cat, thank you my dear friend.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 03/11/12 09:47 AM
Hi All,

I need some advice on something that admittedly is bothering me. It concerns me most in relation to our children

I have mentioned before how my H goes to great lengths to not even look at me. Well it was never more evident than yesterday.

My H is part of a group of veterans that when asked, attend the funerals of veterans or fallen active military and stand guard outside making sure all is kept respectful.

Yesterday, H's group was asked to stand guard of an elderly veteran in my town. I happen to work with two of this man's children. So, yes, I intended to go pay my respects.

Before H had to be there he called up D13, and asked if she'd like to stand with him and the other guards outside the funeral home. D wanting to spend time with her Dad said, yes. Not sure why H wanted her there with him, but have my thoughts...

I had decided to go near the end of the first set of visiting hours. Figured the crowd would have thinned by then. When I was getting ready D texted me and asked if I would bring her a sweatshirt because she had gotten cold.

I got ready, (lookin good, lol) grabbed D's sweatshirt and went to the funeral home. D saw me coming up the street with her sweatshirt, broke line and ran to meet me. She was so glad to see me and hugged me, she really was cold. She took her sweatshirt, put it on and ran back to the line and stood next to her Dad. H was standing at the end of the line of guards. H stood there stoic, he did not even glance at me or acknowledge me in any way, not even a smile. I went ahead and walked through the line and the other men smiled and greeted me. H was the same way when I came back out.

Remember, D13 is there taking all this in. She questioned me later as to why her Daddy wouldn't even look at me. I really didn't know what to tell her because I'm really not sure why myself.

My question is, do I say something to H about it or do I let this go, too? (I'm not DBing any more. Obviously, it didn't save my marriage, but it did save me to which I'm very grateful for and also to those on this board who were with me through my darkest days, and still walk beside me.)I just don't get it. After all this time, with H getting what he wanted, why can't he be civil when he sees me out? I do not bother H unnecessarily in any way. I have let go. H is generally very civil in emails, sometimes friendly and joking. Why must it be so awkward in public? We spent 27+ years of our lives together, I didn't make the choice to end it. I've accepted it for what it is. Why does he treat me like I'm the one who blew it all apart?

Another thing that has been running through my head is that H filed for D well over a year ago. When I got my own L and told H I would work with him on everything but the money, (H did not in any way want to pay alimony)H has not moved forward with any proposals. It is H's turn to make a move. I am willing to work on an agreement as to how the money allotment is meted out and take into consideration the amount H has paid in my utilities (his choice)off from the alimony amount. This would make it easier for H to live moving forward and give him the freedom to marry the ow if that's what he wants. Do I tell H I'm willing to work with him on it? TBH, I have no reason, at this time, other than give H what he wants.

Is it possible that this is why H dislikes me? He still sees me as being the block to his true happiness?
Posted By: beatrice Re: All Aboard... - 03/11/12 10:23 AM
Seeking. Fwiw I do not think your husband dislikes you. I think he is deeply conflicted, and very very guilty. These are the feelings that probably overwhelm him. He isn't ready to work on himself, because admitting that they have a problem is really really hard for these people, who have denied their childhood hurts for so long. While it is weird behaviour for a normal person it isn't strange for a MLCer.

I am not sure therefore, whether saying anything to your husband would serve any purpose. He might give you an answer, because he felt he had to, but the chances of it being a real one are slim. As Snodderly would say, this person is not baked yet! [And in truth I wonder how many of them go to their graves and never sort themselves out]

I would tell your daughter that you so not know why your husband is like this. Which is true. We have our ideas but in truth we do not know.

I don't think it would be wrong to tell your daughter that it bothers you, but that you can live with it. There is a limit to how much we can, and I believe, should, cover for these crazy people. We didn't break them, and can't fix them, but we do not have to make their excuses either!! At some point they have to face those whose lives their behaviour has impacted.

Although my children are older, they have had to work out their own ideas about their father, and come to terms with it through their own eyes. And they are harder on him than I am. But they also see that it is he who is the loser, in every sense.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 03/11/12 12:49 PM
Seeking,
I'm w/Bea on your xh's behavior. He's very conflicted and isn't sure what to do. I don't understand why he would want his daughter to stand w/him at a funeral, but my first thought was to show the world that he's still involved w/his family, but I could be wrong about this. As for your daughter questioning his behavior, you did the right thing by telling her you don't know why he did it. Your daughter is a smart young lady and I bet she'll question him at some point.

I wouldn't say a word to him about his behavior. Sometimes, the less you say, the better. Maybe he was trying to get a reaction out of you and also, in his warped mind, to put you on notice that he's moving on and considers you a stranger. My money is on the fact that he thinks he's punishing you because he's not happy w/the settlement, he could very well be acting out, hoping to make you feel guilty and then you'll come to him and tell him to lower the payments, etc. He knows you so well and knows just what buttons to push to get you to bend to his way of thinking. Seeking, I wouldn't go to him and work on the paperwork to lower the support funds...leave it alone. If he wants to discuss the issue w/you, allow him to come to you. He's a big boy and knows how to take care of things. Also, he may think that you will jump through hopes to have him being friendly w/you. My advice, sit quietly and do not do anything at this time. It's his move and I would allow him to make that move.
Posted By: Cadet Re: All Aboard... - 03/11/12 01:42 PM
I agree with them, DOING NOTHING is sometimes doing something.

DB'ing becomes a way of life.

What do you think saying something to him would accomplish?

(((((HUGS)))))) Seeking, you are doing great.
Posted By: Kimmerz Re: All Aboard... - 03/11/12 10:36 PM
Seeking,
Just wanted to let you know that my stbx does act odd towards me as well. Friendly, even jokingly, then akward and tense the next.

He went completely dark on me when I retained my own attorney, and he also didn't offer up anything on my proposals up until the day before court. Why? I have no idea. Your sitch raised questions of my own given they're similar.

However I didn't say a thing to him about his behavior and I do believe it's best that perhaps you do the same. If he wants to talk turkey he can contact you or do it through the attorneys. I agree he's conflicted and doesn't know what to do either.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 03/14/12 08:12 PM
Thank you Beatrice, Snodderly, Cadet and Kimmerz for your thoughts on my last post.

After reading and absorbing what you all had to say I've decided you're right and I'm not even going to mention it to him. There would be nothing to gain from it. If this is what it has come down to after 27 years of M, then so be it. I can't control any of it, just how I react to it.

Hard to believe that on May 1, it will be 30 years since we were married. Even with H being gone as long as he has, it's still sometimes hard to believe that we ended up like this.
Posted By: TRUSTING Re: All Aboard... - 03/14/12 08:31 PM
Seeking,
I can so relate to what you are saying. I had a 20 year marriage and have been divorced now for almost 5. I gave ex everything he wanted, except I would not settle for less financially than I deserved. He is now acting like a child, spewing hate again and lies. You can't make sense out of their behavior. I really feel that my ex though really wants a reaction out of me. The more I don't respond to his antics the madder he gets.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 04/12/12 09:46 PM
Tonight I'm sitting here with a very heavy heart. Thought I was more detached than this but I guess sometimes no matter how hard you try it can get to you.

You see my stepson is home visiting. I consider him my son as he lived with me from 3 on. I raised him as mine right along with our other children as they came along.

My son has done well and I'm so proud of him. He is a Marine that just returned from deployment in Afghanistan.

To be fair, I've spent a good amount of time with him and my two grandsons. He is staying with one of my other sons and his wife who live just up the road from me.

Tonight, half my children are at a restaurant at a party for my SS hosted by their father and the ow. I'm having a tough time with this one...
Posted By: Cadet Re: All Aboard... - 04/12/12 10:18 PM
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
Tonight, half my children are at a restaurant at a party for my SS hosted by their father and the ow. I'm having a tough time with this one...

I have no words of wisdom but I know this is a very tough part of all this.

The senseless destruction of our families is hard to fathom.
I am sure as much as you miss them you wiil also be missed at this gathering.

And at least you got a chance to spend time with him.
This is one of the casualties of MLC.
The family, it can never be replaced.
The OW is not their mother and never will be.

(((((((HUGS)))))) to you SA.
Posted By: dl443322 Re: All Aboard... - 04/13/12 03:27 AM
I'm so sorry, sweetie.

And it's ok to feel what you feel.

We have lost much in the aftermath of all this.

I know that sometimes it just suckks.

I know you will process this and then continue on.

Thinking of you, my friend.
Posted By: beatrice Re: All Aboard... - 04/13/12 06:28 AM
SA you are so courageous. I haven't had to face this one, as my children will not meet any of the OWs.

I would be feeling desolate at the loss as well.
Posted By: sunshinelewis Re: All Aboard... - 04/13/12 07:09 AM
Seeking I know what you are going thru. It has been over three yrs. since my divorce and xh hates me. I truly believe this. If we run into each other the look on his face is panic. Quickly turns his head like he is terrified of me.
My son lives with his dad and new wife and still does not speak to me.
I long for the day where the hatred lifts and my son will get to see that his mom and dad dont hate each other and can be civil if needed.
Like you, my xh got what he wanted and I left him alone. He got his divorce in less than four mths. I dont understand why all the hate? and i never will. Our son was made to chose because of this and i hate that. Son use to stand at end of driveway and ask me to not be on my porch becuase he was so afraid of his dad.
I truly feel your pain. Even after three yrs. its still hard sometimes.
You are in my prayers!

Renee
Posted By: punkin Re: All Aboard... - 04/14/12 11:08 PM
Seeking,

So I've sat here and written and re-written three times, trying to find some words of comfort to share. The biotch of it is, I don't believe there is any, or very little. What there is, is that your son includes you in his life and the life of his children. THAT's the only hook to hang your hat on in this one. But then, that is a very important hook, isn't it? Somehow, you just have to be satisfied that during the entire meal, everyone, from H to OW on down were very aware of the 'GHOST' in the room. Or rather, not in the room.

It's just another of those times when you wish things were more like in the movies and you left all your heartaches at the door when you signed the papers. I think that, as a mother, the pain and awkwardness that it causes our family is the deepest pain of all for us.

We just have to keep chugging along. That is what I tell myself everytime when I make the effort to contact my steps and visit with the kids, bring little gifts for the Holidays, etc.

Seeking, you have proven yourself to be a strong and loving individual. Try not to doubt yourself or your contribution to the family you love. They don't.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 04/16/12 02:13 AM
I just wanted to thank you all for your support and caring. Knowing I could come here and have people understand means so much. Having this place to let it all out when you can't a lot of times in RL because you're looking out and trying to be strong for others that are having an equally hard time with it. This place and you all are a Godsend.

My son and GSs left Friday morning. We were all sad to see them go. Goodbyes are so hard especially when you don't get to see those loved ones very often.

Except for one rough spot (the dinner party) I think we showed S and GSs a grand time. S got some of Mom's requested home cooking and the GSs enjoyed it as well.

Punkin, you were right. I have heard bits and pieces about the dinner party and from what I hear it was awkward for ALL. It also didn't last long.

A curious thing happened with H. On Thurs. morning I went up to get my GSs to take them out toy shopping. We spent quite of bit of time making sure what they got, they really wanted. H shopped beforehand so he had something for them when he first saw them.
Anyway, H grilled D13 about what I had gotten the boys and if they liked it and played with it, etc. It seemed to me like he viewed it as a competition between him and I, and was trying to gauge what the boys liked best? Has anyone else experienced this type of thing with their MLCer? It was odd.

BTW, H was there when I picked the GSs up. I have given up greeting him when I see him as I'm not acknowledged. D13 said H sure did a lot of looking at me though. lol
Posted By: beatrice Re: All Aboard... - 04/16/12 05:39 AM
SA - they are very very competitive! But I don't know why.

I had a really funny dream about my xh the other night, which might make you laugh. For some reason we needed to meet, and initially it was hostile [on his side] and then he was just walking about a bit and talking a bit about nothing much. Well where he was living was full of piles of junk which he was picking up and moving around but not really having any effect. Then I asked him what happened to OW1 [formerly the love of his life] and he said 'Well we got into a big fight in a car near L---n and I haven't seen her since' [which I thought was hilarious] Then I said what about OW2 and he said that he had her all lined up ready!! [I have never met OW2 nor have my kids - don't even know if she is still around] Anyway in the dream someone burst in, and this very smart vivacious and really nice woman came in and tried to hug me [OW2 apparently] When I said I found it all difficult, she understood completely. Then she starting ordering my xh around and generally sorting him out, firmly and nicely. I really liked her, and I wasn't jealous, just relieved that I wasn't dealing with him any more, but that someone nice and kind was!!

I think my subconscious is telling me that I have moved on! I was pleased OW2 was nice and cared for xh. What she is really like I don't know, but my goodness, I wish him well!
Posted By: Kimmerz Re: All Aboard... - 04/16/12 12:06 PM
Bea,
Dreams are weird. I think it helps us process what's going on. I've dreamt of Xh almost every night for weeks. My dreams used to be of contantly trying to get him to listen to me, and him walking away, talking non sense, and just never being able to reach him. This was before he even left.

Now my dreams are of peacefulness....we are just together, no fighting,but not talking much, sometimes holding hands, and no conflict, but a feeling of relief, peace and slight akwardness. I have never had this type of dream about him as long as I've known him. What's weird about that, is that I do not feel that way in real life. Perhaps our dreams are what we want in real life. I wish i could feel this way about him in waking life, but I don't. I don't trust him. I don't want to be around him, and I don't want to speak to him, but always end up having to given the kids.

In years past, what I wanted was him to listen to me, talk to me, and stop rejecting me and that's the dreams I always had, were me chasing after that with him.

In real life he appears he's trying to make ammends.But because Im still healing, I don't trust it and I resent it. Though Im a very understanding and forgiving person, I don't understand or forgive betrayal and inflicted emotional trauma by someone instantly. It's best to just leave me ALONE for a year to two, AND maybe I will have moved on from it enough to let it go. The longest he's left me alone was 3 months.

I've contimplated moving out of town in order to get some space from him. He's just too present due to the kids. I know it's for the kids sake, but I really don't appreciate someone that has taken my emotions through the meat grinder, and then literally start acting like nothing is wrong and we're best of friends.

I realize by not stooping to his level of mudslinging and spewing, and just taking this divorce head on with grace and dignity, basically gave him the idea I was fine with everything and he is forgiven and we can be friends.

I think I need to set a few things straight with him.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 05/01/12 11:20 AM
30 years ago today at 4pm, H and I were married.

Sometimes it is still hard to believe that that day that held so much promise ended up where we are today. Thinking of sending H a simple text saying, "I remember". Nothing else and with no expectations, but ready for whatever he says or doesn't.

I feel compelled to not let 30 years go with out some kind of acknowledgement.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 05/01/12 11:53 AM
He remembers the date and time. I will be surprised if he replies back. They are so stubborn and will not allow good back into their lives on a permanent basis. What a shame.
Posted By: ericmsant2 Re: All Aboard... - 05/01/12 05:05 PM
((((hugs)))))

SA....you remembered and that is what matters. Respect the day even if he doesn't.

oh...and the fact that you even wrote this is a testament to who YOU are!

God Bless,
Eric
Posted By: dl443322 Re: All Aboard... - 05/01/12 07:27 PM
Oh, my friend, I know those dates can be hard sometimes. Remember the good times of what once was. No one can take away our memories.

(((Hugs)))
Posted By: cat04 Re: All Aboard... - 05/01/12 08:34 PM
There must have been something about May...

SA, he remembers. And its ok that you do too.

Do something for you today and smile.

The way things are now, doesn't negate the life you had, the vows you made, or the love you feel.

It really is ok to honor those things.
Posted By: punkin Re: All Aboard... - 05/02/12 12:50 AM
Happy Anniversery SA, to YOU. It still does and always mark an important part of your live, regardless. As cat04 says, Do Something For You.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 05/02/12 01:38 AM
Dear Snodderly,Eric,Brookie,Cat and Punkin,

Thank you so much for your understanding and support. There's not much about my sitch that gets to me anymore after two and a half years, but I do admit that H was on my mind today.

As Snodderly predicted, H didn't comment on the text I sent him. I do not feel bad about sending it or receiving no response. Detachment is a wonderful place to be.

Thank you all again, for being here. <3
Posted By: beatrice Re: All Aboard... - 05/02/12 07:40 AM
SA, last year I sent my xh a post card for his birthday - the first time I have done that in some time, and I got a sobbingly grateful email from him. I mean it was weird, so over the top. just a pc of a favourite painting of his, and it was 'Thank you so much for sending me that lovely pc, blah blah blah.' But that was nearly 5 years post bomb. He is still in a fog out there though, and it no longer worries me. Time really does sort it all out.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 05/13/12 10:12 AM
Happy Mother's Day!
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 05/13/12 11:10 AM
Have a wonderful Mother's Day!
Posted By: cat04 Re: All Aboard... - 05/13/12 12:11 PM
Happy Mother's Day to all!!!
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 05/27/12 01:10 AM
Journaling here a bit as I had two mildly interesting encounters with H today.

First one was this morning. H called looking for D13. I answered the phone. Mind you that H hasn't talked to me on the phone in about 2 1/2 years. It's rare that he calls anyway, but he couldn't get D to answer his text to her. He asked me if she was here and I told him yes, but she was outside. He asked me to either have her call or text him. I said I would. 30 seconds later he calls again. This time when I answered he asked me if it was me or D19, since we sound alike. I told him it was me. He asked if D19 was here and I told him, no. H then launches into why he's calling. He wanted to know if the girls wanted to go help him plant flowers on his family's graves.

Second encounter, this one initiated by me. I had a grave side planter that I had gotten for my Dad's grave. My Dad is buried in a huge cemetery in Soldier's Circle. (A little background here is that H and I used to go put flowers on his relatives and my Dad's grave every year) When H left I've been doing my Dad's on my own. DIL was with me and we were going round and round that circle trying to find my Dad's grave. H could get to it every year w/o a problem and I just followed him. Finally, I told DIL that I was going to call H and have him explain where to find the grave, since she and I had a garden to get planted. Boy, was I in for a shock. H said hang on, that he and D13 were nearby and he was there in less than 5 minutes, instead of just explaining how to get to the grave by phone as he's done oncein the paat right after he first left. He took us right to the grave. He even helped me wash off my Dad's stone.

The most interesting part of the whole thing was that H still will not look me in the eye, even when talking directly to me.

I chock it up to him peaking out of the tunnel for a bit. Could have done without having to listen to the planting stories he was talking about at his and ow's house. But it is what it is.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 05/27/12 11:28 AM
Seeking,
Yep, your h was definitely peeking out a bit. I'm glad he came and showed you where your father's grave was located and assisted you in washing off the headstone. May I ask what did you use to wash the headstone?

He stills feels quite a bit of guilt if he won't look you in the eyes.

I hope that you and your family have a pleasant holiday weekend.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 05/27/12 12:52 PM
Boy was that post filled with typos. Sorry about that.

Thank you for your thoughts, Snodderly. I hope you and your family have a great holiday weekend as well. I want to take this opportunity to thank you for all the time and wisdom you bring to this board. You have helped and continue to help those trying to negotiate a path they didn't ever expect to walk.

The headstone, and part of the reason I couldn't find it, was covered in a moldy fungi. A lot of the headstones were unreadable because of it. I have never seen this before. We chalked it up to having a very mild winter?

I was not prepared for having to clean the headstone, and had nothing with me to do it with. H had D13 get the watering can out of his truck and fill it. I basically cleaned it with water and my hand, but I really could have used a toothbrush. H took out his pocket knife and ran it through the grooves of the lettering which made them visible again.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 05/27/12 01:41 PM
Seeking,
Please don't worry about the typos...I've done it myself many times...my mind always works faster than my hands when typing.

Do you have plans for the holiday? I've been helping my mother w/her yard work and we are almost done! I'll finish up later today when it is a tad cooler. Tomorrow is a day of relaxation!

The reason that I was inquiring about the cleaning is because I need to do the same thing for my father's headstone. The cemetary director told me that there is a chemical that you can use to clean it, but I'm afraid to try it because it could ruin the marble finish. I'll have to try using water and a very soft cloth to see if that will do the trick. Thank you for sharing your experience w/me.
Posted By: Walking Re: All Aboard... - 05/27/12 09:54 PM
The cemetary director told me that there is a chemical that you can use to clean it, but I'm afraid to try it because it could ruin the marble finish. I'll have to try using water and a very soft cloth to see if that will do the trick. Thank you for sharing your experience w/me.

Juice of 5 lemons in about 1.5 litres of warm water. Perfect for mould.

Alternatively bi-carbinate soda paste, few teaspoons of bi-carb soda in a dash of warm water applied to the mould/residue, washed off with warm water. V
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 05/27/12 10:57 PM
Walking,
Thank you for the suggestions. I'll try them one at a time if the warm water and soft cloth don't do the trick.
Posted By: Cadet Re: All Aboard... - 09/24/12 07:57 PM
Hey Seeking,

Saw you posting on another thread and just wanted to give you a shout out.

And send some (((((HUGS)))))!
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 09/24/12 09:16 PM
Cadet,

You are so sweet!

(((Hugs))) back attcha!
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 10/28/12 11:59 AM
To all of those on this board who may be affected by the storm headed up the east coast, please take care.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 11/02/12 07:54 PM
Need a little advice...H emailed me today and asked for my stuffing recipe. Asked if it was a recipe or was it in my head. I haven't answered him yet.

That recipe is my own creation and I came up with it taking all of my H's likes into consideration. It really was tailored made for him. How soon he forgot that after 27 years of being up early with me while I made Thanksgiving preps.

Maybe this is very petty of me, but there is no way I'm even trying to write it down and give it to him so either ow can make it for him or he can make it to share with her and her family.

I want to come up with a truth dart when I tell him 'it's in my head' and I'm not about to give it to him. Let ow come up with something for him. Too bad she doesn't cook.

This just seems to me that he has a lot of nerve even asking for it. Remember he's been gone 3 years and even though I'm still standing I have no problem with putting up and enforcing boundaries. I still love him but am no longer in love with him. I just want to say something that will get my point across that he's the one that made the choice to leave and those creature comforts are no longer available to him without seeming vindictive. I truly don't feel that way, but for me, this has crossed the line.

Thanks.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 11/02/12 08:05 PM
Seeking,
Be honest w/him and tell him that you don't have it written down and it's down by rote. Suggest that he do a google search for a nice recipe. Southern Living has some great recipes out there and as well as Paula Deen.

My xh after still continues to ask for things from my home and my answer is always the same....Sears, Target, Walmart, Lowes and Home Depot carrying the items and if you purchase them now, you will have a warranty/guarantee.

You don't have to say anything other than the recipe is not written down.
Posted By: LoisB Re: All Aboard... - 11/02/12 08:13 PM
I say give him a recipe with arsenic in it! Happy Thanksgiving!
Posted By: BeingMe Re: All Aboard... - 11/03/12 12:46 AM
Seeking, I agree with Snodderly.

Or, you could also just not reply at all. I mean, did he even say Happy Thanksgiving? Or, say you don't remember, it's been so long. Hehehe!
Posted By: Cadet Re: All Aboard... - 11/03/12 07:50 AM
Tell him to come to your Thanksgiving and you will make it for him.

Or its a little bit of this and a little bit of that,

and a half pound of salt peter! smile smile smile
Posted By: Cadet Re: All Aboard... - 11/03/12 07:54 AM
Originally Posted By: snodderly
My xh after still continues to ask for things from my home

My former MLC(or maybe still) 80 year old, bipolar mother just asked me for a raincoat that she left at our house 25 years ago.
And I dont even live at either house anymore.
Posted By: Soul.Searching Re: All Aboard... - 11/03/12 11:02 AM
That blows my mind Cadet!! A raincoat after 25 years?? How bazarre!
I'd just say its not written down and it's your own personal family recipe. Tho thats not good DBing
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 11/03/12 11:19 AM
Thank you Snodderly, Lois (lol), Being Me, and Cadet (lol).

This was the email I received from H -

"Do you have a recipe for your stuffing or do you do it out of your head?"

My reply -

"I just make that out of my head."

His question was short and to the point and taking Snodderly's advice, I answered in the same way. There was so much more I wanted to say...

Cadet, Along with not liking to cook, there are other things ow doesn't like to do...Salt Peter would not be necessary. It did cross my mind to invite him to Thanksgiving dinner.

I know we're not supposed to assume, but I can only surmise there must be some things H is missing that came from being part of our family.

The holidays were a big deal to him and I did my part in trying to make them special as well. I still do to the extent that I'm able.

Kind of funny that H wants to recreate that. I guess the MLCer does think of their former lives every now and then.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 11/03/12 12:50 PM
seeking,
They think of their former lives more than we think they do, especially around the holidays. For example, my xh thought I still did the "Black Friday" sales in the stores. I told him two years ago that I haven't done that in years...it's now the internet age and that's where I shop.

Even though they don't always say it, they do remember.
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 11/22/12 02:44 PM
To my DB friends, I wish you all a very Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving.
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 11/22/12 02:55 PM
Seeking,
I hope that you and your family have a Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving too. We all have so much to be thankful for.
Posted By: Cadet Re: All Aboard... - 12/17/12 04:44 PM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

MWD brought the cake!

CUTE!
Posted By: job Re: All Aboard... - 12/17/12 05:00 PM
Happy Birthday! I hope that you are planning to do something on your special day!
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 12/17/12 09:20 PM
Thank you Cadet and Snodderly! Very sweet of you to send birthday greetings.

With that I'm going to ask the moderator to close this thread as it is over the 100 post limit.
Posted By: BeingMe Re: All Aboard... - 12/17/12 09:52 PM
A quick happy birthday before it's shut down. laugh
Posted By: seeking answers Re: All Aboard... - 12/17/12 10:49 PM
Thank you BeingMe!
Posted By: ~ kd ~ Re: All Aboard... - 12/18/12 03:01 AM
hap
© DivorceBusting.com