Hello again to everyone.
I will just jump right in.
Some of you know that I have been dating a guy for over two years now. I started dating him 8 months after my divorce.
He is 39 and has no kids and was married once for 8 mths and she cheated. He is very independent and has been on his own since 18.
He is a very kind hearted man but can also be Controlling.
He has moved quite a bit in the past, taking promotions (gov.). He has only stayed in one state for over 3 yrs. and that was the state I am in.
He bought a house in my hometown after about a 8 mths of dating. I moved in with him about a yr. ago.
He had/has a hard time adjusting to living with someone. He enjoys his space to an extreme. (He is an introvert).
He took a promotion back in July of this year and moved 15 hours away and only comes home every 3 or 4 months.
Mst of the time I deal ok with it. I keep busy and try to not think about him being so far away.
He, on the other hand, is fine with it. He is used to long distance relationships and as long as he sees me 3 or 4 mth. at a time, it works for him.
My fear is nothing will change. He has NO idea when and if he will get to come home and maybe he will have to move even further away. He isnt ready to marry and neither am I really. he isnt staying in the state he is in, so I am not moving there and he doesnt want me to unless i get my own place. He feels like we should have never moved in together and doesnt want to again unless we are married. He says he is just mot ready for that.
I really dont know what to do. There are times, like tonight, on the phone with him, that I want him to tell me if he is coming home soon, but he cant. I dont want this to go on forever. Not knowing is miserable. At any time he could move even further away. I dont want to push him and ask over and over gain. What do I do? Just sit back and wait on him to come home or move further away?
Maybe I let myself get into a relationship too soon after my divorce. I dont think I gave myself time to heal.
I love this man and dont want to be hurt again.
I just want to be happy.
Renee
Honestly I DONT want to be alone. I am not one to be happy alone.
I feel like I am so stuck. Not happy with relationship the way it is, but yet I dont want to lose him.
Renee,
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you never truly healed from your divorce. 8 months certainly didn't give you enough time to recover from a M that lasted 20 years.
Have you truly looked at the issues that makes you have to have someone so much so that you'll put up with a man that doesn't sound like he's really that into you?
To me, you sound very needy. I would believe to a man like your BF that it would drive him further away. Have you tried just going dark with him? Letting him do the contacting? What about GALing? What do you do for yourself as far as filling your time?
TBH I would agree you are stuck and just spinning your wheels. Why do you not feel you deserve more from a R than what you're getting from this man?
Have you always been an avoider? Sounds like you use bandaids to cover what you really don't want to look at and deal with. You won't ever be truly happy with someone else until you do the work and can be happy with yourself.
Hang in there. The good news is is that it is never too late to start taking care of you for you.
I agree with seeking, I think it sounds like you're staying in a relationship that frustrates you and perhaps only causes moments of happiness or bits and pieces of security because you see the alternative is being alone and you don't want to be alone. This is probably why you got involved when you did.
I don't LIKE being alone ALL the time but there are times that are really good, and that I really enjoy it, but back when I was first estranged from XH it was horrific. I couldn't conceive of going a week alone, let along far over a year.
I think this is something you have to learn to do or else you'll just keep "running", meaning that if this rel. ends, you'll just find someone else to be with to keep you from facing the alone time.
When you say things like "I am not one to be happy alone" you have already decided for yourself that it is impossible for you to be happy unless you have a man in your life. As long as that's your feeling, you're right, you won't be happy. I'm not saying that having a man in your life is a bad thing at all, but you have one and you're still not really happy because he's not the type you want, yet I suspect if you had what you wanted, someone who was more close to you/more needy, you'd be very codependent with him, which isn't good.
I think you should take the time that you have apart from him to work on trying to find ways to get to that level of peace or security or even happiness/joy by yourself. Just a thought :-)
He is a very kind hearted man but can also be Controlling.
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone like this?
Ask yourself that.
I understand, in that my wife is also very controlling, but you are at the ground level building up.
Does not sound like a very stable foundation that you are starting from.
To EXPECT him to change is not a very good idea.
He won't!
So you either accept the way he is or not.
Maybe you should re-read the pursuit and distance articles again.
Sounds like you are pursuing him.
Depending on him.
Sorry that is my .02
Controlling? I see no examples of it.
I see him moving around alot, did you know this going in?
As an exterme introvert who needs alot of space...you're looking to change him?
I don't know Lewis.
You love him and you don't want to be hurt.
Well if you love him why do you want to change him?
If he loves you well compromise comes into play here.
Not wanting to be hurt? That's not part of life and certainly not part of love.
Did you heal? Not sure. No one (not many people) want to be alone, but the idea of being able to thrive on your own is a good goal to have.
If it turns out you NEED someone to be happy then...it becomes a problem of codependancy, and that isn't healthy for you or them.
Dont have much time to write right now.
Thanks to all of you for your advice.
HOW to I turn this around? HOW do I stop pursuing?
He knows or thinks I am going nowhere.
I dont want to be that predictible.
What do I do?
I will check in tonight and write more.
Renee
Lewis,
When he isn't around what do you do with your time?
Are you filling it or are you calling him, or waiting for him to call you?
Take a class, go to school, volunteer, work out...
Improve your life, and in the process you won't be just hanging around for him; and he will notice that.
Hi Lewis,
I can appreciate the fear of being alone and just feeling "lonley". It is the most empty and awful feeling. At times I've felt so alone, that against my truest wishes I had really thought about getting into some empty rebound relationship, just to help soothe the pain and fill the void.
But then I got to thinking. I realized that the best gift I could give to myself was to be able to be OK with being " alone" and not in a relationship. If I can do that, then I know I will be ok with myself in a relationship, or just fine with myself not in a relationship. I do have my kids full time, so Im never truly alone. But I am lonely for companionship. Of course if you're hurting and still reocvering from a Divorce.... well you're still VERY raw for at least a year, but probably alot longer for some.
It sounds like your mate is emotionally unavailable. This is of no fault of your own, please understand that.
A long distance relationship with someone that's emotionally available can be much more rewarding than being in a full time relationship with someone that's emotionally UN AVAILABLE.
Hell-ck,
With two boys and a wife, as strange as it sounds? I VALUE my alone time now.
Wow...what a total difference from a few years ago.
We end up wanting what we no longer have. We are pretty stupid creatures that way. : )Well...I am.
Sunshine, I read that and kind of wondered: did you get in that relationship because he is not able to be attached? I think my first relationship was like that. She travelled a lot (still does) and we saw each other a few times a month. She lives in another state.
When I stepped back, I think I was attracted to her in part for that reason. She's a great gal and very smart and pretty. But I think there was a part of me that wanted that distance and no chance of the relationship going further than a certain point due to the distance. Or at least, less of a chance. An "out" if you will. At the time I didn't think like that, but looking back I think I did.
Is that possible?
I agree with Jack and wonder why you would want to change him? If you did, he wasn't what you signed up for. If you can't, will you be happy?
I suspect not.
Just some obeservations. My $0.04 worth if you will
AJ
Thanks everyone for replying to me.
Jack....I do try to fill my time. I work and I have a Photography business that I am trying to get off the ground. I have custody of my nephew that I take care of and I have been doing alot of crafts lately.
I visit friends and go out to eat.
It seems though that I long to at least speak to me once a day.
Its like I need that reassurance that he is there and need to hear someone say I LOVE YOU.
My xh use to tell me this daily. Could this be why I need that?
Also other than my nephew I have no family around. My nephew and I are spending Thanksgiving alone because my bf cant come home for Thanksgiving adn Christmas. I would rather him come Christmas.
Jack you are right. I think he knows I will always be there.
The one time in two years that I didnt answer his call or return his text right away he noticed. This was how it went. I was very brief.
Him....Hey I got a new game in the mail today. (hes into gaming)
Me....(20 mins later) Cool.
Him....I tried to call you last night
Me....(15 mins later)Yea I saw that.
Then when he called later I answered.
Should I have said more or waited longer?
He texted me at 930 the next morning after I didnt answer his call. He has NEVER that I can rem texted me that early in a LONG time.
Kim
My bh is MOST CERTAINLY emotionally unavailable.
How do I deal with this?
It is alot better when we are together because he hugs and kisses me more. I get more attention.
Over the phone is where we get distant and he gets less emotional it seems.
AJM....
No that is not the case at all.
I would love to be closer to him. We get along so much better together. I think he is scared though.
Guys I love this man.
I just hate the long distance thing.
Renee
Hi Lewis....
Hmmm. Well this sounds similar.
My stbx is a huge gamer. World of Warcraft took over his life. From what I understand it still does. It was 8 years ago he got into that game and hasn't stopped since. His personality changed after he got into that game.
Im afraid I can't give the best advice in how to deal with an emotionally unavailable man, given mine told me it was MY FAULT he was emotionally unavailable.
Being with an emotionally unavailable person is going to be very unsatisfying in the long run, unless you find other places that fullfill you emotionally. If you have alot of close frienships or close relationships in your family, this will help! I found that because I was so close to my mother that she actually was feeding my need for someone to be emotionally available to me, when my husband really never was. Then when she passed away, I started to turn to my husband for that emotional need. Guess what? HE WASN'T THERE.
Look on Amazon for books on Emotionally Unavailablity. Do some searches on it as well. There's alot of information on it. I found alot of helpful information just online through searches.
The only thing I can advise is that you'll have to learn to depend on yourself to meet your emotional needs, and have very low expectations of him to meet your emotional needs as long as you remain together and in this long distance relationship.
I have been seeing a good man for over a year now. I did try hard to look at the R w/X before I dated. I also waited 3 years before I dated--about 6 months after D but after 3 years of separation.
Are we ever "over" a situation like the ones we went through? I guess sometimes I wonder if I moved too fast. X still pulls at my heartstrings at times. But I am able to look at R more objectively now and am not sure I could imagine it being rescuable--if X even showed a flicker of interest, which he doesn't. As it is, he has seldom even showed much respect. I recognize that a pull towards him might not be very healthy for me.
I think it is important to learn to be alone. It is a good life lesson. Then the idea of abandoning a R is not so scary. In life we must do many things alone. I am an introvert so being alone is not too hard for me. In fact, early in the crisis I WANTED to be alone. Gradually I began to feel ready to socialize.
There is a lot to do alone!
I watched movies that *I* wanted to watch.
I went out with women friends to some rather wild events, I might add.
I befriended other families that did not have extended family around. We do a lot of things together even now.
I am not religious but found a church where I was happy.
I exercised a lot. I can't recommend this enough. It gets rid of depressed feelings AND you feel fabulous about yourself.
I journaled.
I volunteered.
I took long peaceful bubble baths.
I bought beautiful clothes and made myself over.
I worked on learning how to cook.
I thought about changes in career and took steps in that direction (although I haven't done this quite as I had hoped).
I focused on my child.
I took lessons in a sport I wanted to learn.
My wonderful boyfriend is giving and loving, but it is Saturday night and we are in our respective homes. Why? We like the space, too. We have gradually spent more time w/New Guy's family, but I think New Guy and I have been careful and moved slowly. And we went out last night and now it is a quiet night for both of us. We will talk later. We will also read, write, watch things we want, sleep in, I will go to church tomorrow, etc..
I am glad we did not move in together at this time. I think it is healthier for everyone involved as we gradually learn more about each other and each other's families. I would prefer for a move to feel comfortable for us all as much as possible. When we have spent extended time together, it has boded well.
I am not sure what the future holds for us, but frankly, while I wouldn't be happy with a breakup, of course, I'm not sure I could see such a thing as being as devastating as it was w/X. Not because I do not care about New Guy, but because I am more comfortable with the idea of being alone. And as others say, I even WANT it at times.
Do not look to this guy to make you happy. It is not fair to him, and you will deprive yourself of some valuable life experience. Make yourself happy. Make yourself a happy life.
I don't know if this will help, but this sitch reminds me so much of a friend of mine who got back in contact with me just as her 17 yr. rel. with her XB was ending (he was likely MLC). She spent a year without him or anyone else after their breakup. She went to 3 therapy appts and then stopped when her therapist (male) told her he was getting "feelings" for her and thought that he shouldn't continue a professional rel. with her (she stopped any contact with him). Then she sort of retreated into herself, drank pretty heavily, and just sort of detached from the world except for going to work. (not accusing you of the drinking part ;-)
Then about 15 mo. later, she met a guy, and started to see him. He was SO much better suited to her than her XB in that he really had his life together and was even into a lot of the stuff she was, stuff she TRIED to get XB into and he was disinterested. Anyway this guy really seemed to love spending time with her, but he works A LOT, and he volunteers, and he has a lot of friends and is close to them. Well she was starved for affection, going so long without, and not working on herself much or learning to be less "needy."
So he tells her one week that his really wants to see her, but he has almost no time for the next 10 days. He says he's going out to dinner with a couple he's been friends with for years and can he "pencil her in for 2 hours in a block prior to dinner, it's not much but it's something." Well she loses it (on the phone to me) about how this isn't right, that he should be cancelling with his long-term friends as "he's had countless dinners with them so who cares if he has this one dinner"...she just gives him the cold shoulder. A week later he comes over, sleeps with her, tells her how much he is happy to see her, and she DUMPS him. He's shocked. Keeps saying "but we're good together." She's not hearing it. Then she confides in me...and what I hear is only one thing:
Here's a guy who is NOT going to drop everything in his life for her, and that's a GOOD thing. He's fully present when he IS with her. No he doesn't call or text her a lot. She wants him to say he's thinking of her all the time, that's just not him at this point in time and may never be. The reason this is bugging her is that she is terribly insecure. She never took the time to learn how to be alone and ok with it. She spent over a year without her XB, but in that time she never once looked at what might have been her contributions to the demise of the relationship. She put it ALL on the XB. So when she got into the next rel. when this guy wasn't doing everything she wanted all the time, she ended the rel. saying he wasn't the right guy for her.
In her mind, the right guy is a guy who does everything on her terms. Not healthy.
So I'm not saying that this IS you, I don't know you well enough :-) But I do feel like there is a real streak of neediness coming through your posts...the need to be talking once a day, the need to hear the reassurance or the I love you...these things are nice, but if you need it to feel secure, I guess you're not very secure in yourself?
I heard all that from XH too, even when he was seeing OW. That stuff can be empty as well all know--so try not to depend on it to feel good, because the last thing you'd want is to be hearing it and having it be false or patronizing.
It may be that this guy isn't right for you for other reasons, but I think that what you have here is an opportunity simply BECAUSE this is a long-distance rel. to work on learning how to be more secure with yourself and NOT need him so much for "daily" validation of you.
Thanks to all of you.
Forward we did move kinda slow at first....well it was slow to me, fast to him. He didnt want to move in together and I pushed him until he agreed....MISTAKE!
He has made this statement several times that he will NOT be pushed.
Forward, I agree that I am looking to him for my happiness, I mean I must be, because I am sad when I dont hear from him.
Antonia I am alot like your friend, although I would NEVER be brave enough to end the rel. I have NEVER broken up with anyone I dont think, maybe once in my younger years.
I cant explain it guys, its like I enjoy my time alone more and more BUT I wish I could see him on weekends at least.
I seem to HAVE to talk to him everyday but not for long periods of time. Its like I just want to make sure he is still there and still loves me. I am SO AFRAID of not being loved by him.
I am worried to death that he will NOT be back to my state and this will go on forever.
I am worried to death that he really doesnt love me.
I DONT want to go thru the dating scent again so I hold onto him and try and enjoy what I have.
This is what I expect from him....and I am just trying to be honest about it. I know some of it isnt right but then again I dont feel like I am asking too much.
I expect him to answer my texts if I text him. He dont have to right away, just at least acknowledge that he got them.
I expect to talk to him at least a few minutes every day, because I dont get to see him but a few times a year. Is this not fair?
I expect him to tell me he loves me often. NOT everytime we speak, but if he says he loves me and I believe him because it took him so long to tell me and those words dont come easy to him, then WHY wouldnt he want to tell me often?
I expect him not to forget important dates, like my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas just stuff like that.
I called him at midnight on his birthday to wish him a Happy Birthday. He was on the phone with me at Midnight when my birthday arrived and DID NOT even acknowledge it. He asked what was wrong and I said I was hurt because he forgot my birthday.
He said MY GOD couldnt you even wait until tomorrow. I dont understand this?
I expect us to be able to talk openly about things in our lives, share everything with each other. I mean we have been together over 2 years now.
I expect him to be there for me and me for him when needed.
AND I expect Affection....not all the time but a little....which he does do this.
You all are prb saying that I am the neediest person you have ever known BUT in my defense I was in a 20 yr. marriage and this was how things were. SO maybe I am expecting this to continue.
I know NO OTHER WAY.
Also dont forget that I lost alot during that first year.
I have no family around and the ones I do have DID NOT call me on my birthday. THAT is hurtful to me. This is just the way it is.
Like I said my xh ALWAYS told me he loved me many times a day sometimes.
He was ALL these things I described above, so maybe I am trying to carry on where we left off.
I WOULD love to be able to not think about a man, but it is SO LONELY. I love laying watching moves with my bf and cooking for him and pampering him.
He is SO opposite.
He could care less if he got a Happy Birthday or present. Says he needs NOTHING for Christmas. DOesnt want me buying him anything at anythime. AND tells me he should NOT have to tell me he loves me everyday becuase I should know this.
I just dont understand.
Help....
Renee
I wanted to add that I would love for him to tell me what I mean to him and tell me how much he misses me.
He has said he misses me but ONLY after I ask or I tell him I miss him.
He doesnt volunteer anything. Its like I have to drag it out of him. and I hate doing that.
He told me once or twice that he appreciates me.
It seem he has a hard time expressing his feelings.
He told me once in the beginning that I would NEVER know how he truly felt because you just couldnt let women know that.
I thought he was just saying that, but maybe he really meant it.
Also, in the past month or so, when he start disagreeing and arguing, he will HANG UP on me. He says he HATES conflict and fighting.
I feel like if he dont want to discuss it we have to drop it.
If he says drop it, he means drop it.
He hates relationship talk and feels like its a waste of time.
GEts very upset when I ask him how he truly feels about me.
I ask him this every now and then becuase like I said, he doesnt openly talk about his feelings.
He gets tired of me asking and I am tired of asking myself.
If only he would open up a little and tell me every now and then without me asking.
How do I get him to do this without pressuring him?
Renee
Renee,
You're expecting something from this BF that he isn't capable, for whatever reason, of giving.
It doesn't sound like he ever presented himself as any different than he is right now. You cannot change him. You either accept him as he is or move on.
You sound like you are very co-dependent on him
I never read this book but I have heard it is very good.
Called co-dependent no more.
Maybe you should read it, sorry to say this but I
think right now the relationship you are in is
doomed.
More because of you than him.
You never fixed what was broken in yourself before
and it is continuing into this relationship.
Please stop trying to fix yourself with another person.
That is unlikely to work.
Sorry sunshine that is what I see.
Sunshine I applaud you for writing in such detail all these things you want from him above, because the only way you can fix this in yourself is to focus on the truths...and now you have a list. Like Cadet said, if you read Codependent No More, you'll see that much of what you've said above is script from that book. Just like the MLCers have a script, so do the LBS's if the LBS's are extremely codependent. I'm not a doctor but I read that book AND others, and I also am a reformed (mostly reformed) codependent, so I can see the behavior a mile away.
You said yourself you're trying to get back something you lost with XH by having a rel. with this guy that will sort of continue where the rel. with XH left off...regardless of what nightmare XH put you through with his MLC, you have to acknowledge if you want to grow yourself that part of the marital problems leading up to his MLC or during his MLC were your problems of codependency. And maybe he PUSHED you into codependency, maybe it was all you...but it's irrelevant whose fault it was. What IS, is that you are very needy, and when you say "I'm sorry I'm so needy but I don't know any other way to be", I get it, I totally get it. I was there too.
But you don't HAVE to be that way. The only way to not be needy is to GAL. And there are different types of GALing--to me, GALing with the goal of not being needy means that you have to learn to do things that are only for YOU and your own development or to help others, like family or friends, and you aren't doing things because you're movitated by it getting you a man, whether that man is your X or a current guy or a new guy.
I still struggle with this...but I'm getting better...small example: when I get an accomplishment with my current project, I have the instinct to celebrate with my XH. Knowing that I can't, I'm choosing a few friends to confide in--girlfriends--and sometimes I'm even learning to keep the good feelings to myself.
I think women SO often are taught that our accomplishments aren't "ours" but that they have to be done FOR men in some way...do you go buy some sexy lingerie, for instance, to wear to bed BY YOURSELF? Or do you say to yourself, "why should I buy that if I don't have a man here to admire it?" Most women don't buy it then. Or if they do they "put it away till a man comes along."
I don't even really think men are at fault here. If you look at women's magazines, most are headed up by women and THEY are the ones putting this crap out to the world. I think most women are taught to feel exactlty the way you do, and unless you make a gigantic effort to learn how NOT to be so codependent, you will probably just try to fix yourself with another person, as Cadet says.
You need a plan, and that plan needs to be to read on GALing, codependency, and put all your effort into fixing yourself now instead of him. You need to learn healthy relationship detachment.
It may be that this guy senses your neediness and is unwilling to give you an inch because he's afraid you'll take a mile, and pushing him to move in together is evidence that you've already had that tendency. He's holding back for a reason. Perhaps if you are really changing/less needy, he will meet you halfway. Perhaps he will not and he's a rebound guy and it will never work. But all that aside, you have the best chance at a future relationship that is healthy if you really work on your codependency.
Make it a goal to post mainly about what you're doing to work on yourself from here on out :-)
Sunshine,
Do you want to put up with this? Why? You could do better.
Spend some time alone. Or maybe it's time to go back and find someone who will offer you what you really need. Happily.
sunshine,
Read your post #1888720 from 12/07/09. This was two years ago. In this post you said that even back then he liked his alone time and you were pushing for more.
You are simply not compatible with this man. There is nothing wrong with wanting what you want and going out and finding a man who also wants to spend time with you as you do with him. You cannot change this man and you have been trying to do it for two years now.
I warned you not to push to move in together two years ago. Moving in together did not fix the problem. The only solution to the problem is to find someone else who wants to spend time with you. This man is a loner and you will never be happy with him. Be glad you did not get married. The whole purpose of dating is to see if you fit with someone. You do not fit with this man and have known it from the start.
Please sunshine stop doing this to yourself! I care about you and want you to be happy but this is not the way.
Renee,why is it that you think you need a man in your life???? You have come such a long long way from when we first came here.But I think you went looking for love way too quickly...you never gave your heart time to heal and now here you are sounding like the old Renee again.....
Let him go....you deserve to be truly loved YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG except give your heart away, now to 2 different men.
Stay away from men for right now...it really isn't so bad being alone w/o a man in your life...there is so much to do.....instead of giving your time to Jeremy let God have some of your time...only he can give you peace,comfort,and all that comes with him.....J will not heal your heart, especially him treating you they way he does like he is doing you a favor by loving? you.....
Seek God and let J go, he obviously has some issues which you dont need.....
TAKE TIME TO HEAL.......much Love Irma
Hey guys! Sorry it took so long to get back to this thread.
I wanted to keep it going because I need help and advice.
Most of you say I come across as needy. Can you tell me some of the things I do or say that would make you lead to that conclusion. I know I am needy but would love to see what you guys say. Because apparently I am not realizing what I am doing.
He is a very kind hearted man but can also be Controlling.
If you know this, and simply tolerate it for the sake of the R, you either like it or are dependent upon the R. Think he'll change for you?
He has moved quite a bit in the past, taking promotions (gov.). He has only stayed in one state for over 3 yrs. and that was the state I am in.
Knew it going in
He had/has a hard time adjusting to living with someone. He enjoys his space to an extreme. (He is an introvert).
Still expecting a change?
My fear is nothing will change.
HELLLLOOO
He has NO idea when and if he will get to come home and maybe he will have to move even further away. He isnt ready to marry and neither am I really. he isnt staying in the state he is in, so I am not moving there and he doesnt want me to unless i get my own place. He feels like we should have never moved in together and doesnt want to again unless we are married. He says he is just mot ready for that.
I really dont know what to do. There are times, like tonight, on the phone with him, that I want him to tell me if he is coming home soon, but he cant. I dont want this to go on forever. Not knowing is miserable. At any time he could move even further away. I dont want to push him and ask over and over gain. What do I do? Just sit back and wait on him to come home or move further away?
Maybe I let myself get into a relationship too soon after my divorce. I dont think I gave myself time to heal.
I love this man and dont want to be hurt again.
I just want to be happy.
Sunshine, you answered all your own questions. If you are not happy now, and you apparently aren't, why do you think things are going to improve with someone who moves away from you, doesn't want you to live with him, and only sees you as 'a convenience'
Thanks Punkin.
Yes I knew he had moved BUT I thought since he wanted to buy a house in MY hometown THAT meant something. I mean WHY else would he buy a house here and drive an hour to and from work everyday? He could have bought a house closer to his work place.
I did ask him that a long while back and he said he liked the town and I was a bonus.
When it comes to his feelngs, he shuts down big time!
No I know he alone time isnt going to change.
When he is here at home we do things together. I honestly DONT want him under my feet all the time. I like it when we watch a movie or eat together or go out to do those things and then come home to our own private rooms until bedtime.
If he would have been happy with his job he would have not moved. His job was making him miserable so he took the next job that came open with intentions of coming back within a year. Thats what he said but now he is stuck.
He has never lived with anyone since high school for long, not even his wife. He went over seas shortly afterwards
I was hoping he loved me enough to change I guess.
We get along way better when I am not needy. I cant change either, I love attention and I am a very much attention giver.
Yes Punkin I did go looking too soon and now after almost three yrs. I dont want to start over.
People keep saying to be alone....I am alone and have been since he left. We only spent a yr. in the same house.
I pay my own way, buy my own things etc.
Sometimes I get very lonely though.
I have said to him that we are not compatible and that I did not think he was that into me maybe and that I would understand if he told me so. To be fair to me and let me go to find someone else.
He gets angry and says he isnt holding me back and to bounce.
I say to him if you dont love me please just say so.
He says I love you and care alot about you but you are over the otop with love and stuff.
He says he dont see why we need to tell each other every day that we love each other. We should automaticaly should know that.
Are there people out there really like that.
My xh told me EVERYDAY adn sometimes more than once a day.
Maybe I am expecting that because I was use to that.
I dont want to be needy. I want to be a challange. A challange is very attractive to someone.
Hope I answered your questions.
Thanks and Hugs,
Renee
Renee there are two types of alone, the way I see it, and one is physically alone, where you basically take care of your needs for shelter and food and stuff, and you are self-sufficient with the "material", and then there is emotionally "alone" (and I argue that you're not alone if you have friends or family but I guess, emotionally "single" in that you don't need a partner to "complete" you).
You've been physically but not emotionally "alone." That's why you got into something that isn't working for you, because you were probably insecure with the emotional aloneness and wanted things to feel what you would have called "normal" in your past, you wanted a man back in your life, because that gave you back a sense of normalcy. So you get this guy in your life and he's not your XH (as in, not the XH you used to know before things went south) and you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole with him--trying to get him to be like what you think you miss and it won't work because he's not that guy.
When you say "I was hoping he loved me enough to change" above, well, that's it in a nutshell, expecting someone to change who he is as a person because he loves you is extremely needy/codependent behavior. It doesn't say "I accept you for who you are, warts and all", but it says "I need you to be this type of person for me or I won't be happy."
The happiness has to come out of you first. You have to be comfortable being "emotionally" alone before you can be non-co-dependent in a relationship.
You did say "I can't change either." I think the people on this board are proof that people CAN change if they want to...no one is saying that you should stop being affectionate or someone who likes closeness...but if you can't seem to lower your anxiety level if you don't have THIS GUY to be affectionate with, then that's not his fault, that's something you have to learn how to harness and control in yourself.
You have to ask yourself, "Do I want to be THIS dependent on a man for my happiness?"
If the answer is yes, then I'm sure if you break it off with him, you can find a man somewhere who is codependent and who thrives on the things you want.
If the answer is no, then you have to find ways to feel at peace with yourself that have nothing to do with a man in your life, because you cannot guarantee you will always have one.
Punkin,
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for some of the things you want. But if you're expeting this guy to change, it is not going to happen.
At the same time, maybe you need to be on your own for a while. Secret: It can be fun.
i am a mess right now.
i feel like my heart cant go on.
i have never broken up with anyone i love in my life adn i just did.
i need to talk to someone.
i dont think i can do this.
i am shaking all over
it is so hard to go thru this again.
I'm here. Don't know if I can help, but I'm willing to try.
I just read the last couple of pages of your thread, so I don't know much about your sitch. But one thing that really jumped out at me is the idea of different languages of love. Have you read the book on The Five Love Languages?
It is very simple really. The idea is that there are 5 different ways in which people express love to each other: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, physical touch. One of the ways to know what your language is is to see how you express love to others. You said that you want to be told that you are loved -- words of affirmation. And you said that you give love that way. But he doesn't. He is stingy with the words, and that makes you feel unloved.
Maybe he speaks a different love language. Maybe he speaks no love language. I'm not ruling that out! But the point is, that for you to feel loved, he needs to speak your language. And he doesn't.
People go to this therapist, Gary Chapman, to learn to speak the language the partner longs to hear. I'm not saying your guy would go, or that he couldn't learn it from reading the book. He might. but I think this is an important part of the hurt that you are feeling.
Thank you Lotus.
Yes I have read the book. I learned alot form it.
We get along fine when he is home. He lives in another state due to work.
He is some affectionate when i engage first.
He however is very playful. Almost like a kid. He will walk up behind me sometimes and hug and kiss me. BUT always playfully.
Over the phone is where we have the most prbs.
When I try talking to him about how he feels, he get very angry and tells me thats just the way he is.
I asked him tonight why he couldnt express his feelings or say i love you back instead of ditto.....always says ditto.
He got upset and said i was badgering him.
We have been together almost three yrs.
He started showing his true self a yr into it. and Yes he's right, I know this is how he is.
I just dont understand why he cant every now and then say hey i love you or anything on his own without me saying it first or asking him.
Tonight I asked him why he ignores my texts when i say i love you. Over the phone he will say ditto.
He said i needed to grow up and get over myself.
Once again he said i was pushing him.
He says he doesnt need to hear that or talk to me everyday.
He says he does love me but wishes i wasnt so needy.
We went to counseling once.
Didnt seem to help.
Like i said, we get along fine if i dont ask him the why questions.
He has no prb saying ditto.
BUT i am getting tired of being the one to say it first.
I know that sounds childish on my part.
If i try to wait it out before getting off the phone, for example, if i say ok goodnight and pause he will not hang up, i will say r u gonna hang up. he says why dont you hang up
then i will say r u waiting on me to say i love you first
and so i do then he says ditto and laughs.
such a child.
I love him and it breaks my heart that he wont compromise.
He has been alone for a long time.
Never visits his family.
ONLY calls every now and then.
Doesnt have friends to do things with other than me.
DOesnt go anywhere.
Comes home from work and plays computer games until time for bed. OR watches movies.
This is his life.
I don't have solutions. Except to say that through the years and the many men I thought I loved, I have found that often the man I think I love isn't the man he is at all. It's as if I project my desires onto a man and then think he is wonderful and I love him. But always, they have feet of clay, and when I get to know the real person, I realize that what I loved was an image I had in my head, not him at all. I've come to terms with that and have stopped looking for love in all the wrong places. But I spent a good long time doing it.
I take it you broke up with him?
Just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to stay with him. You know in your heart that you aren't thriving here. This is why things are moving in this direction.
The reason you're shaking and freaking out is because you're probably undergoing some form of PTSD. A breakup for any of us in a relationship after the one where we were betrayed by someone else is probably going to bring back feelings that we experienced (even on a subconscious level) that we underwent when we got the initial bomb or went through our divorces/separations.
What you should tell yourself, because it's true, is that the feelings you experience are not just emotional but physical. My doctor has told me about "pain memories" stored in the body...that this is part of a PTSD sort of set of symptoms. They can be overwhelming, and they can probably scare us to the point where we think, I "can't" go through this withdrawal again, I "can't" go through this pain again, because I know how long it lasted before...but you CAN and you WILL. You are first off in a stronger place from before. You bounce back more quickly. And you already proved that you got through the worst of it with all that went on in your past.
The other thing to consider strongly is again the biology of this stuff...you are in a similar situation, this time you are the "breaker-upper", for good reason, and your body re-experiences the same physical sensations...the shakiness, the nervousness, anxiety, panic. But it's biological in so many ways. Think of it as having the flu or something. It's a set of symptoms triggered by the PTSD type memories...and as a set of symptoms, they will go away. In fact, the way that my doctor said you can combat PTSD is to relive on some level the experience that first traumatized you. By reliving the experience or one like it, and doing so with some tools to handle it and therefore handling it BETTER this time around, you are actively taking the steps to fight the PTSD in you. You are really "re-framing" your trauma.
Give yourself a mantra, something simple, and just breathe, count your in and out breath, 1-2-3..."I will be fine", or "Everything will be ok." Something like that. Or "I am stronger than how I feel at this moment."
This is a positive step for you even though it feels like hell. You're moving in the direction that shows the ultimate in caring for yourself first, and it's scary as anything to make that move, but pull strength from everyone here who has done it and moved on to a better place.
Antonia Yes I did BUT he is calling like nothing happened?????
It's like he thinks I just will get angry and get over it.
I am trying to set some boundaries as to what I want and he is somewhat coming around to them.
I am in no hurry to jump right back in.
I have also learned that with bf, if I just sit back and be patient and not push, he will give me what I need.
I am just doing my thing here at home.
School and raising my nephew, whom is about to be a teenager.
Pray for me! It's been years since I went thru that stage.
My son will be 22.
Anyway, anyone have any advice how I should proceed with bf?
Renee
He says he dont see why we need to tell each other every day that we love each other. We should automaticaly should know that.
This is a huge red flag...it is not realistic. This "automagically" never works, and has never worked. Sorry, most people need to be told they are loved, to feel loved. I do. You do.
Stay broken up...just my male point of view...
Sunshine,
I briefly read through your posts here.
Hun, he sounds very " emotionally unavailable".
Getting what you want out of R with an emotionally unavailable person is nothing but frustration and heart ache.
The unemotionally available person doesn't keep you at arms length to be cruel. It's actually a deep seeded issue to rejection. I once read that emotionally unavailable and passive aggressive people reject and push away the people the wish to be closest to.
They also will do push- pull actions as well. Him not being able to say " I love you" back to you and then getting angry when you try to talk to him about it, yet turn right around and act as if everything is fine. They can't say it, but they don't want to lose you either.
I know it's hard, but I agree with T^2. Stay broken up with him. Staying in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable is a very lonely, frustrating and ultimately very hurtful thing to do to ourselves.
I know this, given my XH has been emotionally unavailable for years now. And if it's any sort of help, my XH was very much like your BF. Kept to himself, never truly socialized, went to work, went home, and gamed on WoW up to 18 hours a day, but at least 6 hours a day for sure. The minute he started playing that game...that's really when he became my XH. He told me it was an escape and he didn't have to deal with anything in life.
My advice is stay broken up and just keep reiterating that the relationship isn't working for you and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost. I suspect that anything he's doing to "come around" is only temporary, set off by the fact that he probably expected you to be a sort of arm's length detached girlfriend for a long time. My fear if you took him back based on a few panicky moves on his part would be that he'd just go right back to the way he'd been all this time.
The bottom line is that it isn't as if you have seen this guy be emotionally available and then LOSE the availability. It has never, ever been there. So he's not suddenly going to just become a different person overnight.
Emotionally unavailable people stay that way because it works for them. They won't change if all the people around them accomodate them.
You know that I'm seeing a guy right now, and frankly he and I have discussed HIS "wall" or issues with emotional detachment...he's really good at being a friend, a very good friend, but as for that next level, he admits he's a "pull-back" hesitant to really let someone in type of guy.
My response to this? I'm pulling back from him. I'm not going to keep lavishing attention on him in hopes that my emotional availability will "change" him. He has to WANT to change. (He says he has a desire to open up but I don't think he knows how or he's scared). So like I said, I'm pulling back emotionally myself and just checking my feelings so that I'm not making any assumptions about he and I being any closer than we are right now. It's hard, but I don't see any other way to give him space to open up if he wants and to preserve my feelings too.
It may be that this guy could change, but not overnight and not just to temporarily appease you. I think your best course is to pull back and stick to your break up and GAL.
As always, I get on this site and start reading. And almost everyday strike gold in reading other peoples comments.
AntoniaB wrote:
The bottom line is that it isn't as if you have seen this guy be emotionally available and then LOSE the availability. It has never, ever been there. So he's not suddenly going to just become a different person overnight.
Emotionally unavailable people stay that way because it works for them. They won't change if all the people around them accomodate them.
True and wow! Renee, I hope you and I are both listening.
I am so glad there are so many smart people on here who know how to use their words! I often feel like a child, wanting to express something, but just don't know how to get it out!
Hang in there Renee!
Wendy
Kim bf says the same thing about gaming....it takes him away and he can relax.
How did you ex find ow? If he worked and came home all the time where did she come in?
Antonia I agree with what you said.
Just today he called and said something about looking at a vehicle to buy. Said he wasnt buying today.
I said why?
He said his money was tied up at bank.
I said why is it tied up?
He got upset and said it doesnt matter, stop getting into my business. when i say its tied up thats all you need to know.
very defensive over nothing.
Now mind you, I check and OPEN his mail for him. He puts me in his business.
I never know what I can or can not ask.
Maybe I was being nosey, but we have been together almost three yrs. Dont I have that right?
Sunshine,
Xh worked with Ow for a year or more and they developed a friendship that obviously turned into more and it still went on after he quit his job. She remained at the same place of work for over a year after he quit. She also moved out of town too. Im pretty sure each time he left and came back, she rejected him, and told him that she would not have anything to do with him until he left me for good and got his own place. He had her in the sack a little over a month after he moved out and got his own place.
I find that comment he made to you rude. He was basically welcoming you right into the conversation, then turned on you. I find that passive aggressive. He just made it your business by opening up the conversation about him purchasing a vehicle. You conversed with him over it and now you're in trouble for butting into his business?
Xh told me that he should only have to tell me once and ONLY ONCE that he is upset about something and should never have to do any explaining about anything. Basically to me that states " do not test my authority, what so ever".
In attempts to really try and understand my XH and this rollercoaster I've been on with him Ive had to do alot of studying. I've had to because he's not going to just open up and talk to me. What has really validated and helped me understand Xh is reading on emotional unavailability, and passive aggressiveness. Im also reading NO more Mr. Nice guy. If you haven't read up on this ( which you probably have) I suggest to google it and read up. I've also downloaded some books on my iphone too.
To make it a little more clear and concise, this is what I've come away with. Some men have the "disease to please". If they please everyone, and do everything right, then they expect they will get everything they need emotionally returned back to them. TThey're incapable of expressing their wants and needs in a healthy way to someone else. Unfortuneatly what happens is they build up unrealistic expectations of how this is supposed to be returned to them from other people. When love, admiration, and respect isn't returned to them in the way they expect it, then that's when the real trouble starts. They feel rejected and like failures. Then they become resentful and angry, and continue to stuff it down instead of expressing it in a more assertive and healthy way. Then the emotional unavailability comes in, the passive aggression, and then the spew and eruption of a volcano.
AFter reading up on these subjects, I have the majority of the answers I need. I now understand why XH would come across as Prince Charming and Knight in Shining Armour, then not even be able to look me in the eye and have any sort of emotional connection....( not being able to say I love you) All the while seething with anger, resentment, and blame towards me. Then after that stack is blown, start the cycle all over again. And he's still doing this from time to time.
But until they're able to realize that the real and true reason of their unhappiness is because of their inability to see that their own needs are met, well it's going to be everyone elses fault.
^^^^^^^ Bingo, Kimmerz!
I found with myself, it all rolled back to my father and how I learned to interact with him as a child...do things JUST right and he may validate...if not, well, I learned how I did everything wrong...so I was never sure where I stood, and that insecurity rolled into my relationships and M. And through W's crisis...same thing, that insecurity and/or uncertainty keeps messing with my PMA...i.e., if I don't do things exactly correct, W/job/etc will go. Always working on overcoming that....
Sunshine, reading what BF said to you above...and this is from a guy....let.him.go...his behavior is beyond "normal male" emotional aloofness...to be honest, reading the above that you wrote kinda creeps me out, and kinda sounds emotionally abusive...I wouldn't want him for a friend, fwiw.
I don't have solutions. Except to say that through the years and the many men I thought I loved, I have found that often the man I think I love isn't the man he is at all. It's as if I project my desires onto a man and then think he is wonderful and I love him. But always, they have feet of clay, and when I get to know the real person, I realize that what I loved was an image I had in my head, not him at all. I've come to terms with that and have stopped looking for love in all the wrong places. But I spent a good long time doing it.
Oh! Where oh where is the Like Button? Great post.
Renee, this is so, so, so, so true. there is a line in a country song called Shut Up and Drive by Cheyly Wright (? not sure of artist) and it's something like
He's the one who will be missing you, and you'll only miss the man, who you wanted him to be.
Update on Son:
I just received a call a while ago from my son's gf's mom that xh has kicked son out of the house. Gf's mom told son that she was calling me and son said ok.
My son is suppose to call me tomorrow! I haven't talked to him in almost three yrs. I don't know the details and am NOT going to ask. I want no part of his and his dad's fight. I am just Thankful to GOD that my son is going to talk to me.
I am going to offer him a place to stay for as long as he wants. Many here told me this would happen and someone at my Church told me also. GOD is an on time GOD. I am so thankful to him.
As far as bf....
I told him tonight that if he continued to talk to me the way he did, I was not going to speak to him. I said I would go on with my life. He yelled and said DO NOT play games like that with him.(something to that sort). In other words, he doesnt believe me.
You all are right. Bf wasnt this way in the beginning.
He says he feels like I push him.
I told him if, after almost 3 yrs. he felt like I was pushing him to remind me he loves me than he must not at all. He got mad and hung up.
Sun
For the longest time I told myself to distance my opinions on your threads. Something you just posted, though, is going to make me go against my better judgement. Please be careful with this BF you speak of Anytime you've spoke about him, whether it was good or bad, my gut feeling was that he was not emotionally stable and/or available. Kind of Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality, you know? I'm not saying he couldn't have decent/caring moments that he shared with you...but it's not a seemingly permanent facet of his personality. He's too much into himself/he internalizes instead of shares. And he also seems to be verbally abusive if he doesn't like what is going on.
Does have a short fuse? When he told you not to play games with him like that...did it sound like and 'or else' type of statement? Please don't feel that you need to defend him if you consider answering that question. He is who he is..you're not going to change him, no matter how you think you might be able to. Many people here have already told you that, and they are right.
Have you ever felt uncomfortable around him? Walking on eggshells, not sure if something you say/do will set off his temper? Please try to keep these things in mind when you're making a decision about him.
I agree so much with what others have already suggested to you. I hope you will pay heed, and follow their advice.
I hope your relationship with your son, when it's the right time, will start to mend. Just remember, he's been through he** and back too, and he's going to have major issues he'll have to work through on his own. Just let him know you are there, but make it clear there will be no disrespect..you won't be treated like he's seen your xh dole out to you.
You're a strong person...set your boundaries and keep them. and remember to also respect yourself.
I think you should dump the BF and concentrate on your son now.
You need to work on yourself and your relationship with your son right now and not babysit or court a grown man who seems not to know which way is up.
Plus as I said before you need to find out why you seem to fixate on this damage relationship which is not healthy which you know and why you want to hang on to it.
Sunshine,
Tell BF you need to focus on your son now, for that is a very important bridge you will be working to rebuild. I hope things go well and the healing can begin with your son.
Another thing I think we all need to remember, this is on God's time, not ours.
That last comment your BF made, sent chills down my spine, the short fuse. Xh started doing that to me a bit the last few years. Short fuse out of no where. One night after work he made a comment to me that I thought was really rude. I excused myself to calm down and decide how I was going to explain to him that I didn't appreciate it. He later came into the bedroom and kindly said " did I say something to upset you?" I responded " yes you did. I didn't really like what you said about me and D. I just didn't think it was funny." His response... and I don't want to offend here, because the short fuse is the point Im trying to make here. His response : Jesus F******Christ! I can't F****** say anything to you! F*** You! Im never talking to you about anything anymore!""
And with that comment my dear Sunshine...Xh didn't speak to me for 1 week and one of those days being my birthday.
Don't put up with that from your BF. No one deserved to be spoken to like that.
No one.
Shew i just typed a whole reply and it vanished. lets try this again.
Creed why do you hesitate to post to me?
I don't want anyone to feel that way.
To answer some of your questions.
Yes bf is emotionally unstable.
Yes I feel like I walk on egg shells.
Yes I think hes verabally abusive.
Yes he has a short fuse
When he made the DONT PLAY GAMES comment, it was more like a child saying don't take my toys away"!and yes kinda like or else.
I think he meant, don't say it unless you are gonna do it.
I have told him he needed help, but of course that comment doesnt help things.
Let me back up, because on here we tend to give one sided stories not meaning to. I want to tell exactly what was said to get the correct opinion and advice.
It started by him talking about my bills and how i might cut back.
I dont give him anything to stay in his house except I pay for our phones.
He said to me that i could save money by him getting his own phone and me just paying for mine.
I said Why? Do you want your own phone?
THAT set him of.
He said I am trying to HELP you with your bills and what do you do but have insecurities.
He said, loudly, I know what you mean by that. I know you have an agenda with your questions.
He does this alot with me. He says I listen to everything you say and I know you play games with me.
So the conversations went bad from there.
Me trying to calm him down.
Finally at one point I said J you are not stupid, (because he made that comment also), but neither am i.
I said you can't do anything to me my xh hasn't done.
He said. "Wanna bet"
He said he was angry. He says I back him in corners. He says he hates to yell and cuss at me but I give him no choice.
He says I irritate him so bad he dont want to even talk to me anymore.
I honestly dont know what i do. I mean sure we all can be irritating but it seems his expectations are unreal.
Why do i take this? Well I have had some counseling and was told that because my mom was abusive, mostly verbally, and because i had to live with that alone when my dad took off, that i think i have to just deal with it and go on.
I think i have to endure I guess.
I feel sorry for him. He has cut himself off from family and the world. He is a one man band. Doesnt let anybody in. Can take care of himself type of attitude.
I dont generall get mad, its a waste of engery to me.
I just listen and when its too much, i hang up.
He can be the best person and then, yep Creed, he turns at something I say, because he things i am playing games for example.
I live in his house with his things. My nephew loves it here and so do i. He lives out of state. I guess i figure i can just go on with my life and keep my eyes open to something else if it comes around. Mean time I am going to school and enjoying my life the best way i know how.
i need to add about the phone......
i have looked at his calls in the past and he knows it.
so thats what he meant by i have an agenda.
he thinks i said that because i wont be able to see his calls.
i thought, when he got upset, there might be some quilt on his part. but i dont know, he is a recluse but who knows. He could be wanting to talk to someone.
I cant worry about that and I am not going to.
You really need to get out of that house...
Honey
Please go back and read what you've posted to us. Look at all the things he's 'blaming' you for that he himself is doing. Have you not seen this as a main trait of abusers. Blaming the victim for their own emotional/verbal abuse? No matter what he does wrong, he turns it around on you.
Now, this is what is scaring me. His comment like "wanna bet?". That is a verbal threat...and I don't think he's saying it glibbly(sp). I think this guy is a loner for a reason. You've been with him for three years, but from your own words, you're not really with him all that much. You don't know what he's capable of, or what he might have done/or is doing when he's not in that house with you. You only have his word on alot of things.
You've moved your things in, and the house is comfortable to you, but are you willing to chance you own health/safety and your nephews by living with someone that is not emotionally committed to the relationship...and is in your own words, abusive and short-fused. Never say never about someone with those traits...you don't know how fast they can turn on you...and how they will blame it on you.
Please, please...think of yourself and your nephew and son first.and not this relationship with BF.
Renee, what do you want from this relationship? I think you need to sit down and ask yourself this question. Once you do, I think you need to be objective and ask yourself if you will get it. If you are just content with settling for something, then make the most of it. I don't think he is going to be the person you want him to be. Renee, you aren't going to change him, I think you need to understand that.
Creed I will address your comments in a little bit. First I want to update everyone on my son.
Update:
Son is still home with me and I am just letting him talk, vent, whenever he likes. I tell him I am sorry and I DONT bash his dad (in front of him anyway). I just listen.
Son seems to be very upset with dad. Mostly over money that his dad kept. That is son's business and I am staying out of it but I have to tell you it really takes alot to keep my mouth shut, but I am.
His dad and stepmom kept sons income tax check and put it toward a beach condo. Son will not ask for it back in fear of dad getting upset. I knew this was how son felt all along and why he wasnt talking to me.
The stepmom opened his mail and kept sons check and instead of letting him come pick it up, she MAILED it to him.
Now the question is HOW did she GET MY ADDRESS???? I asked son and he said I have no idea. He said he DID NOT give it to her.
Son told me she stalks my fb, so I am going to have to change some settings for that.
My question about that is WHY? She has my xh and a nice home and a baby of her own with him. She is in her twenties and built well and is fairly pretty.....why in the world does she want in MY business?
XH is a lunatic and NOT the person he use to be.
He told son when I called him a long while back, I acted like a lunatic....I didnt even speak to the man. I left a NICE message.
Also stepmom sent my son a nasty message and told him he HE needed to ask his dad anything to make #*&#()# sure HE contacted dad instead of me. She said she would put me in jail. lol
I DO NOT contact him, I did the one time and left a message. That was about the money. I will not again. She has no business talking to son that way, but that is for son to tell her.
Although I would like to say alot to her.
Anyway other than that all is well here.
Son talks about how his dad has disappointed him and I stay quite except to say I am sorry.
Oh his dad did call him and ask son if he got new wifes message.
He should have been saying he was sorry but NO he wanted to make sure son got it.
Makes me so mad.
She is NOT going away and knows everything about me. Sad.
Renee
I love having my son home! This will be the best Mothers Day ever!
My xh however still continues to bash me to son.
Calls me a low life and other things.
I just dont understand why he hates me so.
Xh wouldnt let son come get his mail, instead he mailed it to him BUT my son didnt give him the address. When son asked how he got it my xh didnt say anything.
Obviouslly they are keeping tabs on me and for what reason i dont know.
I wish they would just go on with their lives and stay out of my business.
XH even tried to convince son I didnt have ins on my car.
So aggrivating.
I showed son the ins card and left it at that.
I feel like I have to prove myself to them and I hate that.
WHy dont they just leave me alone?
Renee
Isn't it mail fraud to open someone else's mail, then use the contents for their gain. And, isn't it theft to take someone's tax check, and use it for personal stuff. I would be making some phone calls to the police, if I were your son. I'm sure the wife is responsible for all this. His dad doesn't care, so why should your son. I also wonder how his check could be cashed without the bank asking for id. Sounds very fishy to me. When people are guilty of something, they tend to transfer blame to the innocent to deflect from themselves. The angrier, and nastier they get, the more you should get suspicious of what they are doing behind your back, and it seems that criminal activity is not a problem for them. Check your credit, see if your identity has been compromised. Why would they want to know your address? If your x can steal from his own son, imagine what he is willing to do to you.
BeingMe....yes it is mail fraud and yes its not right for them to take his check.
My son WILL NOT stand up to his dad in fear of losing him.
That is why he stayed away from me all this time.
Son told me xh's new wife hates me and he stayed away to make them, mostly her happy.
It was wrong but they filled his head with stuff AND still are.
He sent his stepmom a Happy Mothers Day text this morning and she sent back "Keep Ignoring me, it works for me".
How Childish!
It made son mad, but hurt his feelings more.
He gets his feelings hurt very easily.
He said "mom why would she do that?"
It takes everything in me to not let her have it. She would just get a warrant on me and its not worth it.
I suspect this is going to be a crazy few months or years. As long as my son has anything to do with me, she will put the pressure on xh. They already told son he couldnt go on a vacation that they had planned. He even help pay for it. He told his dad to just keep the money and his dad replied...."Oh dont worry, I am"
What a JERK!
BUT son loves his Dad so much. His dad would have NEVER treated son this way. He was always hard on son, trying to make him tough. BUT not to this extreme.
Sunshine, I am glad to see your son is back!!!
But you have a lot to learn and a lot of distance to go yet.
Why is SM like that? Why does she stalk you? Really? You don't have a clue?
How on earth can she be comfortable with another woman's husband? Look at it like this: if son doesn't hate you, then maybe, just maybe, there's a chance that you aren't the crazy witch she believed you to be, right? And maybe, just maybe XH doesn't make her very comfortable in their relationship?
Now what right? Son left. H might be the lunatic after all. What does that say about her, right?
Know what I suggest? Be there for your son, be happy with and for him and be patient with him.
Oh, and why are you with the BF again? Might be time to consider leaving him, SL. Really.
AJ