Here is the links to my last threads
The Rollercoaster Ride The Rollercoaster Ride...2 Todays devotional from 'Jesus Calling, Enjoying Peace In His Presence' by Sarah Young
I am involved in each moment of your life. I have carefully mapped out every inch of your journey through this day, even though much of it may feel haphazard. Because the world is in a fallen condition, things always seem to be unraveling around the edges. Expect to find trouble in this day. At the same time trust that My way is perfect, even in the midst of such messy imperfection.
Stay conscious of Me as you go through this day, remembering that I never leave your side. Let the Holy Spirit guide you step by step, protecting you from unnecessary trials and equipping you to get through whatever must be endured.As you trudge through the sludge of this fallen world, keep your mind in heavenly places with Me. Thus the Light of My Presence shines on you, giving you peace and joy that circumstances cannot touch.
Blessings to you all today!
Hi Lorie!
Welcome to your new thread!
Beautiful post! Thanks for sharing!
Wow!! I just have to tell you all how deep H is in MLC. I just found out today that a so-called "friend" whom I though was helping me through all of this has actually been having an EA/possible PA with H who is living with the woman he left me for!!! Holy Crap, I am not even ticked off at H as I am so ticked off at this so called friend. She has her own issues too, she went through a divorce this year and she didn't even know my H until a couple of months before we split and she just knew him through me. Apparently he has been pursuing her and now she is reciprocating even though he is still married to me and living with another woman!! How crazy is that!! Lord help us all! I just wanted to go to her office and rip her head off. I mean, she has been there for me, through all of this, meanwhile meeting up and talking with my H daily!! Thankfully a mutual friend came clean and told me all about it and how this friend feels her allegiance is now more for my H and not me!!! Mind you all, her H left her for another woman!! Can we just say CRAZY!!!!
Oh Lorie I am so sorry you r going through this.
I am hear for you. I am listening. I am giving you a BIG hug.
This must hurt so much. I trully am sorry you are going through this.
Red,
Thank you!! I have recovered a bit. I just keep running all the conversations that I have had with these woman and just wonder what she has told my H. It is just frustrating!!
Lorie -
Speechless in Indiana! Where is their moral compass??? Keep your faith!
IB
IB,
Their Moral compass went out with the trash! I just have to tell you all that I bounced back pretty good and I just keep moving on. I am keeping my faith and I believe that is keeping me moving forward. I know that God does not want us to sit around and wait for our spouses to come back. He wants us to keep moving forward and working on ourselves. To become the best us God intended for us to be! Yes, I am still standing and frankly, I will forever, because I love my husband and I know God brought us together. But, God intends for us to live our lives to the fullest and I do NOT need a man to complete this journey!
God Bless you all!!
Lorie, Read your second to the last sentence of your post above. How remarkable is it that you've come to the point where you've said that (and clearly mean it)?
Amazing progress :-)
Hello everyone!
I just wanted to stop in and say I am still kicking. I lurk every now and then, but my computer at home is on the blink, so I use my fone to lurk.
Not too much to catch you up on about my sitch. H is still deep, deep in the tunnel, his radio co host told me last night that H's ego is so big it is starting to bug people. H and the co host were in a demo derby last night and I got to see more of the ego inflation.
Last week my grandmother passed away, a woman who loved my H very much and prayed for him daily. He didn't even contact our D16 to offer condolences and the first moment he sees us (at the county fair) he doesn't even address her or offer sympathy, he goes straight away talking about the demo derby car. She was disgusted and got up and left without saying a word. She just keeps saying he doesn't care about anyone else but himself. I don't even know what to say to her anymore. It hurts to see her hurt so much. I am the parent and can handle this, her I am not so sure sometimes. She says she is doing fine, but then I see her be so rude to him and this is not how I raised her. I have seen her act nicer to strangers than her own father.
Me, I am doing well, and seriously getting a life. A friend is letting me work in his office for a few hours a week off the books so I can make a little extra cash to help pay the bills. The full time job is still elusive at this point. But I keep looking. Thankfully, H still deposits his paycheck and I still pay all the bills with that and my unemployment. I still have not finished getting the house ready to put on the market. But, I have been so busy living my life! Some friends took D16 and I to Gatlinburg for the weekend and we had a blast. Last week was dealing with my Grandmother's death and this week is fair week, (BIG DEAL) and it keep D16 and I busy the whole week.
So for all the newbies out there, we do survive. For some it takes awhile to detach, but I can't express enough how important that is and how it helps. Learn to live your life like your spouse is never coming back. Trust your spouse to God and keep moving, joy and happiness will find it's way back into your life. Even when your spouse is a monster and says bad things to you and about you. Life is good, you just have to find the positive and run with it. Be a survivor! The only victims are the children who are involved, be a survivor role model and teach them how to move forward as best at you can.
Blessings to all!
L
Thank u for the story you posted about Reconciliation
it was beautiful
Peace
You're welcome! I wish it was mine, actually I know I will post my own one day. Through Gods grace.
Hi Lorie
Love the positive attitude!
In my heart I know that H and I will be back together. Though at times I doubt myself and H. But I have put it in GODs hands and I know that everything will be okay. I will be okay.
H has gone back into his man cave. He poked his head out for a little while (2 weeks) now he's back in. I got sucked in. Believed every word he said about reconciling and wanting to work things out. There were very positive actions too.
But now he has reverted back to SMSing and cold/stand offish behaviour.....sigh
I have done some backslides in the last week. Did some snooping at his apartment - got busted. Spoke to MIL about confidential info - got busted. Oh well you live and learn I suppose. Ive apologised and now I have to move on. I think he is still mad but there is nothing I can do about it.
Im still having difficulty being patient. I miss H so much. I want so much to detach. But it is harder than I care to admit. I am not a tap. I cannot turn my feelings off just like that. I loved this man for over a third of my life. We have a child together. Weve been through so many ups and downs. Failures and successes. To walk away is just unthinkable.
I am trying hard to GAL. Hitting the gym. Playing with S3. Going out with friends every weekend when I dont have S3. I get hit on by a tonne of guys. But I find myself comparing. And well, no one can compare really. Yes there are attractive men out there. But how do you allow yourself to be or feel something for someone else when you are still in love with your H? Obviously Im not ready. But perhaps its what I need???
I know in my heart that my H loves me. I know that he will always love me. I see the look in his eyes. I feel the love in his heart.
I pray that GOD gives him the strenght to overcome this "crisis". And soon
Is that too much to ask?
PS....deeply sorry to hear about your grandmother. my sincere condolences to you and your family. I'll be praying for you and her.
Red
But how do you allow yourself to be or feel something for someone else when you are still in love with your H? Obviously Im not ready. But perhaps its what I need???
I know in my heart that my H loves me. I know that he will always love me. I see the look in his eyes. I feel the love in his heart.
I pray that GOD gives him the strenght to overcome this "crisis". And soon
Is that too much to ask?
Red,
I do still love my H and I always will. I firmly believe God brought us together and will restore and heal our marriage. The day I met my H God told me he would be my H. The exact words went through my mind as he was being introduced to me was "This is your husband" and I know that was God talking to me. I know it sounds crazy, but it happened and for days I wondered about why I heard it. Then I just trusted God, and I am doing the same thing now. Just trusting Him and His goodness. Though my H is really deep in the tunnel, I know God is working on him. Someone pointed out to me, that even though he may only be thinking of himself. When he came up and talked about the demo derby, he did seek me out to discuss it and that is a positive!
I do like getting the attention from other men, but I also shut them down right away. Even those who know that we are exasperated and think it is okay. I just tell them, it is not fair to them to start something with them as I still love my H. That usually will shut them down.
Red, don't beat yourself up. I have to work on that daily as H has said some terrible things about me which are all untrue, but it still hurts. I know that he is not in his right mind. I do not want my H back right now, the state he is in is only a shell of the man he once was and will be one day. He is not living an authentic life and I see that clearly. My H has always been a humble and moral man until MLC set in and one day those qualities will once again rise above the MLC and he will be and live the authentic life God created for him. The OW think they have won a prize, but really they haven't, they only have the shell of the men we love, not the authentic persons we know. I know I am the love of my H life, even if he doesn't want to admit that right now, one day he will remember that too. It may be years from now. I am just learning to live my life like he will never come back. It helps to live my life, a life that God has given me to enjoy.
You are a strong person Red, we all backslide! Just pick yourself back up, dust yourself off and keep on moving. We have all heard the saying, if your going through hell keep on moving eventually you will depart the dreadful place!!
Many Blessings!
Jounaling--
Wow, I just have to say I have been on my own rollercoaster the past several weeks getting a life, and my grandmother passing has brought me to this past week exhausted and raw. This weekend, my GAL was just resting, regaining my own strength and spending time with my D16 when she was not working. Today I am in a much better place.
On Tuesday of this week my FIL celebrated his 70th birthday. My D16 wanted to continue with the traditional ice cream celebration we have always had for my in-laws, so I contacted MIL and she was fine with it and even planned a meal to go along with it. Because I my H is so far in the tunnel I decided to extend an invitation to him to come as well. I really did not expect he would come, even though it is his own father, but H showed, and I was glad for him to spend some time with our D. It was a pleasant enough experience and I believe my FIL had a great time. As far as H was concerned I only looked at him as a family member and nothing more. I did not go out of my way to do or say too much too him, but stayed in the moment of the conversations. We even sat next to each other as we ate and he cut the cake as I served it. I felt very ambivalent toward H and next day I really started to question my own feelings for him. Why would I want this man back?? Then I think all the holding myself up and guarding myself from hurt came crashing down, and I cried, for several days I cried. I started the whole self-defeating thought processes, why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't D good enough? Why weren't we important enough to want to work on our marriage? Our family? UGH! Just typing this pisses me off.
But, I realized that I have had a lot going on with my life and this week the unemployment ran out, I have a car in the shop, and I was just plain feeling sorry for myself. So yesterday and today I have been regaining my strength and my position. I am looking at my blessings and thank God for them. Even this pain, confusion and rejection I feel is a blessing as it continues to teach me about the person I am and who I want to be. It is a blessing that through all of this I am becoming closer to the Lord and my D. I am remembering that I can take care of myself with or without a man and who the heck wants a whiny crybaby anyway? Not me!! I am not that person. I am a good whole person who is kind, caring, happy (most of the time), adventurous and quite crafty (though I haven't found too much time for that lately).
I have faith in a God who keeps his promises and I most thankful for that.
I am asking all to pray for me as I have applied for another position that I would really love to get if it is God's will. Pray for me to stay focused on Him.
Blessings!
Just a bit of journaling...
I am and have been in a good place the past several days. As you all are doing I am thinking and trying to focus on my own journey. I rarely see or speak to H so it really does help with detachment and working on myself. I know that I am a stander for life. I have been reading "Broken Heart on Hold" by Linda Rooks and really recommend this to any newbies out there. It has really helped me work on me. One thing I have come to realize, is that I believe I was in an MLC and 'woke-up" when I found out about my H's A. I also believe that I too was headed down that road and very well could have found myself in an A. No, there was not a man who I was looking to at the time I found out about H's A, but just working through my journey I realized I too was unhappy in our marriage, not to the extent that H obviously was, but we were just coasting and I was starting to focus on the H's negative behaviors and my own unhappiness in my job. I am being honest with myself, had I stayed on that road, I too could have found myself either in a Ea or PA. I am not sure. But realizing this brought such humility to me and a determination to continue on working on myself. I am happy with the person I am becoming and focusing on who I am and who God wants me to be has brought me a lot of peace.
Thundarr, you asked how I could do this, and let me tell you, it is one day at a time. Every night before I fall asleep I tell myself that tomorrow is going to be a better day, and when I wake up I tell myself, today is going to be a good day. As a child of sexual abuse, 10 years, of not having a childhood, I have to remember that during those days, I truly relied on God and my positive attitude. I learned at a very young age, going down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts really takes you on a different journey and I did not like it. Stay positive!
On another note, I am discouraged with my in-laws as they have now seemed to embrace OW and also abandoned their granddaughter. It is sad to see and to be honest hurts. I have always been very close to them, and now they too seem to easily replace me with another as H has.
I am not sure where I go from here. In reading Rooks, book she discusses a scene from the movie the "Horse Whisperer" where the HW takes the horse out to a field and let it run around and once the horse stops, it keeps looking over at the HW as if to say, "what are you going to do now?' The HW just stands back and watches, and eventually the horse does go over to him, though it takes awhile before this happens, but during that whole time the HW stands still and the horse keeps looking back at him until he finally goes to him. This is really where I am, as I do not have the interactions, or the Monster that so many talk about. I just have to stand still and that is how I am showing H that I am safe and it is okay to approach me when H is ready. It is hard, as several times this week I have wanted to just touch base with him to see how he is doing with some of the projects he has talked to me about in our brief conversations.
Another odd thing from this week, I don't remember who, but I read a thread where someone talked about reading in the Bible about Peter walking on water, and how we have to keep our sight on Jesus and not the water. Funny thing is, I saw that story at least 2x after I read that, one of them being the Gospel today at Church. I am focusing on keeping my eyes on Jesus and not the circumstances (water) that I see in this journey.
Blessings to all!
Just wanted to update, though not too much happening on the H issue, but I GOT A JOB TODAY!!! I have been unemployed for a year, one week post BD. I am so stinking excited. Though I do not start the job until Nov. 14th, which is when the next training starts, this is a turning point for me. I will be a case manager for the Department of Children Services which is great because I have the education for this and it is the job I wanted. Though I have applied and interviewed for jobs I thought I would like, this is the one for me! The pay is only a few hundred dollars less then my last job.
Now for my H, not much going on there, I thought he was reconnecting with D17, but no such luck. We don't see or hear from him often, he seems to think attending D17's competition is good quality time with his D17. I did have to go talk to him today because my new job training is out of town and I asked that he come stay with D17 Sunday through Thursday nights for 9 weeks so she will not be alone. He said he would, of course I am not going to be here so that is okay. Though when I told him I found a job he was genuinely happy for me, then there was a moment of fear and he asked, "where?" I said here. He knew I have been looking out of town and even out of state for a job and I think it scared him for a minute to think I would be leaving. LOL! But after that he asked me all kinds of questions, which he never asks anything about me.
Now, that being said, he could just be so happy, because when he brought up divorce back in April, he said he was going to file after I found a job, so we will see.
Me, I am doing great. I have completely redone my kitchen, and using Goodwill and garage sale finds to decorate. Most of them I am having to re-paint to match my colors, but I love being crafty. I have fewer down days, and really they are down moments. I have found so many blessings through this journey. I have a much better relationship with my daughter than I ever thought possible, because she was daddy's little princess. She and I have so much fun together and at 17 we have few disagreements. She is a little concerned about being with her father while I am off to training. But she said she will keep reminding herself, he is just not her real dad. We had a good laugh with that, but it is sad.
I do read here daily and I post when I can. Not having access to the computer too much it is hard to type on the phone. Know that I am praying for you all!
Hugs and Blessings!
Lorie -
Have thought of you often! So happy for you that your life is taking this turn. Prayers do work!
IB
Thanks IB. I do read and follow your thread too! I am sorry XH is so crazy. I do keep you in my prayers, they do work!
Great news, Lorie! Congrats on the job!
Thank you Seeking!! I am still very excited today, and can envision a whole new world of getting a life, not one skimping and scrimping to make ends meet.
WOW! Let's talk about cycling. After the excitement has died down about getting a job, I am at an all time low. I haven't been this down in awhile. Really, I miss my H, I am missing sharing this exciting time with him. I am back to feeling rejected and lonely. UGH! I hate this feeling. I have cried on and off since last night. You would think there were no more tears left. I just really miss my best friend right now. It just gets so hard to be the strong one all the time. I am going to just ride out the wave as there is nothing else I can do about it.
I am going to see the Musical Chicago with D17 tonight. Her drama teacher is in it and we are looking forward to it, and then tomorrow is the semi-state band competition in Indy. Praying my daughter's marching band makes it on to state!
I know I don't post often. I don't have much to update as I don't really see H much. So I will update and then journal a bit.
The Friday before Christmas one of my daughter's friends and Marching Band member died in a car wreck. It was so hard to tell my daughter this young lady had died. It was a hard week for us both. The funeral was on Wed and the marching band dressed in uniform and attended the funeral together. We parents sat behind the kids. Cliff did come and sit by me. I believe it was the first time in over a year he was at Mass. It was surreal in more ways than one to be in that place and time with him. I was pleasantly surprised that he did go up for a blessing during communion. God really is working on him whether he know it or not. After the funeral we all went back for a meal with the family. I sat with several other mothers and it was so odd that H was hovering around me, though he did not stay to eat, everytime I turned around he was there. Even D17 stated it was creepy, like he was stalking me. One mother said, it is sad, because it is like he is lost and does not know how or what to do on his own. He is missing us as a couple when he is in the environment, especially because I am so stable and comfortable.
This Christmas was so much better than last Christmas. First, I was determined to live in the season and be joyful. Second, I really enjoyed the celebrations I attended. It was much fun. I hosted my H's family Christmas at my home. This is a continuation of what I have done in the 6 or 7 years for my MIL who was just too overwhelmed to do it at her house. Last year I did not do this, just because it was just post BD. So MIL did it again and I could tell it still overwhelmed her. So I had everyone here including H. It was fun and D17 gave H his gifts that night, as he did not ask nor inquire to have any time with her on Christmas eve or day. My MIL was so funny as she constantly complimented me on my looks, demeanor, how much she loved my food and decorations. I think she was trying to remind H how great I am. I do love that woman. I don't know if he even noticed, but I did catch him starting at me a couple of times and I would just smile at him and turn my attention to someone else. He even hugged me a thanked me and I told him I hoped he had a great Christmas. Then we didn't hear from him again. Not even a "Merry Christmas" or "What did you get for Christmas" to D17.
Then I go back to training, which is out of town and H comes to stay with D17. I usually leave him the garage remote and I forgot that morning so I dropped it in this car at his job. Yes, I still have the spare key to his car, LOL! Anyway, that evening he texts me "Thank you for leaving the remote." I said no problem, forgot to leave it at the house, so I just left it in the car instead of driving all the way back home. Then he starts to texts me just little things, that I didn't even need to know. Of course I was nice, but kept it short. I haven't heard from him since.
Journaling:
I just want to say that this past year has been an amazing ride through MLC land and my own transformation. Every time I think that H is not really MLC I just look at how he treats D17. Then I realize it has to be MLC! I have made some very incredible friends who support me no matter what! I have a great relationship with D17, one I never though I would have until she was much older. It amazes me some days what a great and incredible young woman she has become. As much as I tried to keep her from growing up too fast, this year she has grown up very fast, and I am so proud of her.
Most of all, my journey has brought me to an incredible relationship with God. One I had missed and longed for, one that I prayed for even before BD. God has brought me so many blessings over the past year and I eagerly await what He has in store for me in 2012.
My new job is going great and training will be over mid Feb. I really like the people I work with and feel this is where I belong at this time.
I wish you all the best for 2012. I like even years, for some reason, they are good too me, even if BD was in 2010. But I was born in an even year and look forward to this year. I hope you are all looking forward to the new year and realized you have so much potential for happiness in this year. It is your job to choose happiness as much as possible. God will take care of the rest.
Hi Lorie,
I just wanted to say how much I relate to your situation. I also wanted to let you know it's encouraging to hear how you keep just putting one foot infront of the other.
I thought I was nutts, then I read what you said about when you "knew" he was going to be your husband. Like God was standing right there and said " Here he is!"
The exact same thing happened to me when I was 18 years old. I though I had smoked too many ciggarettes that night or something. I heard " you're going to marry this man. And you will be together the rest of your lives".
Well here we are, separated 8 months, and he lives with OW now.
I tell myself daily that God is in control, and working behind the scenes! What ever God has planned will happen. I just don't know what his plans are and I must be patient. God really must get a laugh out of me being so stubborn and impatient about his plan and wanting answers now.
Have a Happy New year!
Lorie -
Happy New Year! Very glad to see your post! You sound very good and am glad faith has given you such a great foundation.
IB
Kim and IB,
Thanks for posting! Kim I do know that God is telling me everyday to be patient. So, that is what I do, but I also know that God wishes us to live a joyful life, so I am trying to do that too!!
IB, I do come on here and read to catch up with everyone's sitch. You are growing so much! I am just not one to write and vent as much as everyone here, so I know it is good to keep you all posted every now and then. One day it will be about my restored marriage, after H wakes up from this dreadful MLC!!!
For a marriage to be created requires 2 people to believe in it. for it to be destroyed, both of them have to give up on it. If you and God believe in your marriage, it shall be saved. For me, I've gotten to the point of having to remind myself, "God wouldn't have brought me this far, just to drop me off." So glad to see you still receive the strength to walk this thorny, dusty trail