Okay, brief update....
Three years, maybe more into H`s MLC. Affair, anger, moods,in house separation for two years.
I let him go last Jan. But he did a u turn at the last minute and decided to stay.
I`ve filed Feb for legal separation.H then started doing a lot of work-therapy, involved with the kids, housework. But I had turned away by then. Had got over the grief of him leaving the marriage.
I started DB April 09 and all the GAL stuff that went with it. I continued to GAL, though not with H in mind-just for me and, up until very recently, was ready for him to go.
Now, I just don`t know. Don`t know if I can trust him. Don`t know if he really wants me. Don`t know whether I should continue with legal separation or not.
No questions, for now. Just updating. Enjoying the peace that`s come into our home, enjoying family time, enjoying the changes in me that this crisis has brought about.
((((((((FG))))))))
Sounds like a good time for patience with no expectations. Keeps enjoying the peace, while you watch and listen.
Holy Cow !!!
Look who the cat dragged in....!!!
It is good to hear you are well....
This is why the honesty is so important doing you mirror work. Only you know what you can or cannot live with here....
You know the answers in your heart FG...
Only you girl....
Drop me a line sometime ?
Now, I just don`t know. Don`t know if I can trust him. Don`t know if he really wants me. Don`t know whether I should continue with legal separation or not.
Sounds like it is time for one of those R talks, you know since the answers aren't going to frighten you and you're not doing it for the wrong reasons.
Now, I just don`t know. Don`t know if I can trust him. Don`t know if he really wants me. Don`t know whether I should continue with legal separation or not.
Hey woman...
Brief here, more in an email...
I have told you before that trust doesn't come easy. Even with someone new. You know what I have been through so you know I do really mean this.
Don't let your fear of it
maybe not working, your trust
maybe being misplaced keep you from taking the chance if it is something you want.
I think a part of you does want it. Or you wouldn't be questioning yourself.
No one says it will be easy. Crap, the rebuilding, is harder than the breakdown. You actually have to learn to undo some of the things that you learned to save yourself from the MLC.
But you will have to do that with
ANY person.
We learn so much coming here. How to detatch, GAL, validate, and how to make ourselves stronger and not let things affect us, because that is how we survive the MLC spew.
Those things, while great for surviving MLC, are not always so great in an R.
I am so glad you are back my friend.
I have missed you bunches.
Wow! One lit ol update and I get prompt responses from four great DB vets! Thank you!
Ha! Was really trying to stay in the peace zone, Jeff and JTB but then H brings up R talk last night!
Long convo-brief synopsis: H doesn`t like limboland anymore(he`s in guestroom) and doesn`t like legal separation looming so he wants us to work together on the marriage.
I told him I just wasn`t sure about what to do. Honestly I`m undecided as I had got over the grief of our marriage ending and had let him go. He`s disappointed.
And now I don`t know if his reasons are enough to reestablish a marriage. He has been very angry, abusive in the past and I risk that happening again if I go back into M with him.Nothing about his wanting me or caring for me.
He wants me to make up my mind `soon` but he`s not putting an actual deadline on it.
I figure I waited long enough for him to work through his stuff. I don`t want to be rushed. Legal ppl will wait.I`m just
not sure of H`s motives for wanting back in.
Last year I`d have rushed up and hugged him. This year I`m cagier.
Hey Mach! Good to hear from you!Lousy PC at home, little time at work but I will catch up with you just as soon as I can!Hope you`re doing well!
Love ya, Cat!You`re so right-undoing some of the stuff I`ve learnt in MLC is probably what`s needed right now;I`ve got too independent AND too happy on my own!
Don't let your fear of it maybe not working, your trust maybe being misplaced keep you from taking the chance if it is something you want.
or maybe he just needs to work a little harder to earn her trust? What's the hurry at this point?
Don't let your fear of it maybe not working, your trust maybe being misplaced keep you from taking the chance if it is something you want.
or maybe he just needs to work a little harder to earn her trust? What's the hurry at this point?
Time,
No one, especially me, said that she should rush anything.
If he wants this as he says he does, he will continue to do what is necessary. And her H, has made many strides towards his own growth in this last year. Much more than he was doing.
A beginning. Isn't that what we all come here hoping for?
She should also make sure that fear is not ruling her decision of whether or no to do this, if it is what she wants.
Long convo-brief synopsis: H doesn`t like limboland anymore(he`s in guestroom) and doesn`t like legal separation looming so he wants us to work together on the marriage.
Ok so now you know what he wants.
At this point, does the why matter?
It is a lot to expect some sort of declaration of love at this point. While it would be wonderful to get that…
Do you need that to initially begin attempting to rebuild this M?
There are no guarantees, even when you get to this point.
And now I don`t know if his reasons are enough to reestablish a marriage. He has been very angry, abusive in the past and I risk that happening again if I go back into M with him.Nothing about his wanting me or caring for me.
Are you strong enough to not allow yourself to be put in that position again?
Are you able to recognize the signs and patterns and be able to stop it if it looks like that is where it is going?
FG, this is where boundaries begin…
You don’t just jump back into the deep end…
If you want to do this, try this, what do you need to see, to experience to make it happen?
Feelings, as we all know, grow and change with time.
Him wanting you and caring for you, will come with more time. I think he has taken a huge step here already.
Baby steps, my friend, baby steps.
Gosh, great questions, Cat.
Yes, I`m strong enough now and know the signs and patterns. And know my jumping into the fear place too fast and not loving myself anyhow, were part of what allowed H to be abusive.
So yeah, different position on that one now.
And yes, he has made great strides in the past few months.
I felt like hugging him yesterday so I asked if he minded if I did. I have no idea if that was proper DB protocol but honestly, I`m digging into my heart and my feelings more for answers nowadays and it seemed just right to me. H was glad and surprised at the same time.And thankful too.
I can`t remember when the last hug was. Over a year ago anyhow.
And God only knows where we`re headed but something is healing.
Hmmm, yes, but I do want to avoid the deep end, Cat.I think a lot of H`s efforts come from his fear of going to court. If I back out of legal separation I may well get old H back. So yeah,I`m still wary.
Have that R talk and hug the other day has heal some parts of us.H makes eye contact with me more and with softer eyes. And the co operation on the kid issue is huge.
So, I was a little disappointed when he announced last night that he was going out and would be staying over. I don`t know where or with whom. I have no idea if there is another woman on the scene.
Didn`t show my disappointment of course. Just got all dressed up and headed out before he did. Smiling and in good form.
He`s away for the next couple of days with our younger son, and daughter. I`ll be here for elder son though he won`t need much minding so I`m indulging myself in all my favourite therapies;sleep,meditation, painting, running,reading.
Currently re reading Co Dependant No More. It was written for me, I think.
I can see the possibility of a new Marriage looming on the horizon. I don`t have any control over whether that ship will swing my way or not. All I can do is keep my changes,meditate, pray and accept whatever happens.
`
Read about Jon Kabitzin(?)`s lovingkindness meditation today. Its about feeling love for yourself in meditation, then sending that love to your loved ones, and those who are more difficult to love. Worth a try.
Journalling:
H returned from MILs last night. I sense the light he had last week has gone out. Like the window that was open briefly has snapped shut.
He came home at eight, went out anyhow, an hour later for an hour or so.
Home from `work`late tonight. I dropped S to football and almost as soon as I got back, H went again.
Being Disney Dad to the kids-all laughter and gifts and flattery.
The situation-teethering as we are on the brink of separation- honestly doesn`t bother me as much as it did because I`ve a lot going on. Got a work project completed today-one monkey off my back-and have some of my own family coming up tomorrow.
Started running recently and photography(yes, sometimes together!)Am also managing to read books outside the Mind Body Spirit genre too.
Am going to indulge in a little retail therapy for me this week-covetting a pair of black boots and cream fitted jumper to go with my jeans.
FG!!!
I just happened to come on here and read a bit after quite a long time and here you are! I was just thinking about you and wondering what was going on with you! Glad to see an update! It sounds like you have tough decisions to make. Wow, there is nothing easy about MLC, that's for sure.
I'll have to stop by more often to check in on you.:)
Hi TF!
Just scrolled back on your posts to see an update. I take it you`re still hanging on in there?
Have to say wonka`s thoughts on Mlc--the final stages-are very very interesting. The perspective of an MLCer. Describes a lot of what was/is going on in H`s head.
And, as Wonka says, the key is to Let Go.
So that`s where I am. Teethering on the brink of legally letting go-filed for separation Feb but the wheels of justice grind real slow in these parts, which is probably just as well, as H is still here.
Well, sometimes physically here and rarely here in his head!
Meanwhile I`m looking at my part in the marriage breakdown.Just for me. Because I am moving forward and do NOT want this to be a pattern in my relationships.
Heh, heh, it`s my MLC too y`know!
Grrrr. So much for H wanting the legal separation to stop `because it isn`t good for the kids`
Very much back to his old MLC self tonight. Here but not here. Yawning constantly while in the family room. No effort at any housework. Minimal interaction wih the kids.
Then "I`m out" gone at 9pm.
I asked S where he was gone and his reply "He probably has another woman"
Tongue in cheek, I think....
But not like it hasn`t occured to me.
Resisting the urge to go through his stuff.
He turned my head for a couple of days but hey, I guess it`s back to going dark and reminding myself of my GAL goals.
Hard to resist the urge to say F*ck him, though.
There now, I didn`t say it, did I?
Blew out my frustration last night over two phone calls from gfs. Phew! That was better.
And-a 180 for me- I was up when H eventually crept back home at 12 30 am. Didn`t meet up with him though he would have heard me moving around upstairs.
Met him this am in better form(me), not obviously avoiding him but light hearted and rushing off about my day`s business.
There`s lots of possibilities re his shutting down-affair/depression/giving up hope of reconciliation/hoping to see more change in me.
No point in second guessing him.
And I still can`t decide what to do re proceeding with separation or not.
So I`m leaving things stand for now.
Just doing stuff I like/need to do. Focusing on my goals and on the kids stuff.
One day at a time.
No point in second guessing him.
And I still can`t decide what to do re proceeding with separation or not.
So I`m leaving things stand for now.
Just doing stuff I like/need to do. Focusing on my goals and on the kids stuff.
One day at a time.
And you wonder if you are DBing?
Keep doing what you have been doing Fallgirl.
Thanks Cat!
Some of me wonders if I should have been more responsive to H in his R talk last week. I realise I fall into Fear and Defensiveness with him too quickly. Partially from family of origin stuff, partially from traumatic events in our own marriage.
Nowadays, I don`t get angry with him of course but I guess he can still see my defense mode in my body language and in how non committal I am. Oh, and in never admitting that I`m to blame for anything.
Sigh. I`ve a lot to learn.
Anyway, I haven`t brought it up. Don`t know if I should-just think I will if he initiates R talk again.
But, for now, he`s in withdrawal mode-physically absent or asleep when he`s here.
same as before-only this time, it doesn`t bother me.I`m very much doing my own thing.
Really would like to help more here on the boards as well but honestly I`m still wearing DB L plates 3 years on from bomb and 1 1/2 years after starting DB.
Ok, big convo last night.
Brief update: H in crisis mode for at least three years. Wanted separation. I didn`t.He pulled out at the last minute(Jan). I sought legal separation in Feb. H started therapy then. Big changes.
I have only begun to be convinced by his changes this Sept. I am stalling on legal separation.
We are living together but separated. Things a lot less tense around the house. I can live with it for now. But he can no longer stick it.
Last night he asked me if I wanted him to move before or after Christmas! And where did I want him to move to.
I didn`t answer those questions but focussed on the improvements we were making in terms of our individual healing and on owning up to my part in things.
Stayed calm. Listened. REALLY listened.
I hear a man who is deeply confused. Hugely hurt by life. Struggling to get to grips with his feelings.
I did tell him that I was begining to feel better enough about us to consider MC. He scoffed at that. Said his T told him I don`t love him.
I told him his T is separated and that`s why she favours that option.
But I didn`t dwell on that.
I thanked him for helping me get happier.
He said he is full of fear of separation -re kids, money, change. But that his T said there are worse things going on in the world and that he has to be brave....
He said it is bad for the kids the way we are living now. But I know they will be shocked to hear of S talk again. But we both acknowledge that they can fall between two stools if we stay caught in crisis.
I am sorry for him. He is plainly hurting. I know I can`t heal that. He wants me to proceed with S because "you want it".
I feel like calling the legal part off to give us a chance to continue to heal.
I don`t know what to do now. Just know not to beg or plead. If he wants to go, let him. But it sounds like he wants me to make him go and I don`t feel like that`s the right thing to do now.He tried to draw me in with talk about finances, kids in separation but I deflected.
I am calm about it all. Just don`t like to string him along with this limbo and yet, I think we could have a chance to raise a Phoenix from the ashes of our marriage.
Of course `everyone `else -friends, family-would say I`m crazy to think that.
Thanks in advance for opinions!
You know what I am gonna say...
If he wants to move, let him figure it out...
You are NOT his mommy...
If you help him, it will be on you...
If you don't, it will still be on you...
What message do you want to send?
Care for the kids, keep them in you fore thoughts...
It sounds like he isn't trusting his own changes...
Oh and the boards, sometimes the best way to learn is by helping...
What she said^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. You are between a rock and a hard place. No matter what you do, trust me, it will be wrong. We are driven by our need to nurture and protect. It's ingrained, and after we've done it so long for our husband as well as our children, well, it's so hard to let it go.
The legal part is scary, yes, but it isn't the end of the world. But again, let him do the legwork. If he wants it, go for it.
You have the hard part of taking care of the house, the kids, and, LO & BEHOLD: YOU. Make some time for yourself. Do things for you. To include the kids or not.
Gee, thanks for the speedy responses folks!
H is pushing me to make the decision-drawing me into chat re what I want in S.
I can really live like this in limbo for quite a while as there is less tension.
My solicitor is not-I think-going to push me to move to court just yet.
So I have time.
So, should I let him keep pushing?
I`m ok, the kids are ok. Ha! I could start a whole thread about the fun I am having! Really I`ve never been happier. H reminded me that I said that-love my job, the kids, have lots of friends, hobbies, am taking care of me.
And have begun to learn more about my own crap and how to deal with it.
Biggest change;finally getting the whole God business.
But, since I started the legal bit should I go for it-or just let him pursue it.
Let him tell the kids?
Let him decide when/if/how to move?
And tell him that I have decided to do that?
Cat,you`ve got mail. And no, for once, I`m not whining in it!
Fallgirl,
You've said it all above. LET HIM. Period. This is his deal. I wouldn't bother to tell him you've decided anything. Dance around the subject. Continue on your life with your kids as if nothing is going on, as best you can.
Come here to vent, to let off steam. Avoid the R talks right now with H.
Drop the ball. If he picks it up and runs with it, well, you go through the motions. If not, if he just stands there and stares at it, then you know where he's at. JMO
Thanks, Punkin.
Woke up and prayed about this. Started a letter to H but decided against it.Phew!
Just continued as usual this am. Calm. Usual talk about kid/dog issues.
Really can see more hope for us.Have told H that.
But thanks, P,I won`t say anymore now. You`re right-he is putting the ball in my court and yes, I had been wondering if I should pick it up.
Ok, back to having fun and being happy.
Fallgirl,
What exactly is it that you want?
Not what would be best for you or your Husband or anyone else, what do you want?
I think you are over analyzing and making things far more complicated then they need to be.
If I thought my post would show up in a timely manner, I would try to contribute. Mods?
((((((((Fallgirl))))))))
What do I want? Good question BND.
I let H go last Jan(filed for legal separation). Since then he made monumental strides to change-became very involved with the kids,helpful around the house, upbeat and happy around me.
It took me a long time-til Sept-to begin to trust those changes. I got a glimpse at a kind of life I would like for me-a supportive nurturing family environment where I wasn`t left trying to keep everything going.
I`d be happy with that.
As soon as I showed H that I was wavering on going ahead with the S, he went back into his shell.
Its like he needs my rejection to get him interested in me and being part of the family.
I don`t know if I over analyse. I`ll subject that observation to further analysis....
But I do panic. Not visibly to H-I was calm when he said he was thinking about moving out before Xmas.
But he said that last year too. Like he`s trying to upset me(and it certainly did then).The mediator(H had been pursuing separation at the time and insisted we go to mediation) and I persuaded him to change his mind.
I should have let him go.
I need to remind myself of that.
I need to let him go for ALL the reasons above.
He just wants me to make the decision("DO you want me to leave before or after Xmas?")
He is back to leaving all the work for me to do in the house. He is doing NOTHING.I have three kids,a full time job and a lot of running to do in the evening with the kids activities. Just through in the added worry of the kids having a bomb dropped on them in a couple of weeks. I don`t need this.
Xmas.... I dread it.
Hi FG,
somethign about your sitch resonates with me.
Do you love him?
Do you want to grow old with him?
Do you see yourself growing old with him?
I am struggling with moving on myself and feeling guilty for wanting to be alone.
I also, tend to over complicate and over analyse things so I'm interested to see what you come up with.
Cheers
Quick answer Purple:
There are four possibilities with me and H and old age
Him sulking in a corner while I hobble around the place in a zimmerframe trying to do everything.
Him and I as roommates, effectively. Me getting on with my own thing, him still fighting with himself, his issues and me.
Him and I spending our retirement travelling abroad, visiting the grandchildren.
I waiver between all four scenarios, so yes, I`m confused myself.
Do I love him? I wonder what loving means.
Does it mean sticking by someone when you know they`re really suffering inside? Standing by your man, as it were, even though they`re trying to take you down too?
Don`t mind me. Just having a bad day in general!
And yes, I do over complicate and over analyze things too!
.
Fall Girl,
Oy ....How complicated all of this sounds.
As you have probably found out since learning about MLC you just can't worry about all the if's and scenarios that could be.
You need to take each day as it comes and don't borrow trouble.
Have you made your needs known to him? Have you shown him how much you appreciate the things he does do and made him "feel" appreciated?
MLC'ers need to have their egos stroked quite a bit, as they are depressed little fellows who thrive on beating themselves up for everything.
Can you just sit back and try to enjoy the Holiday season?
Try and involve him a bit more?
BND,
Thanks for posting.
Unfortunately, we`re way past the point of my making my needs known to H.
He`s back in his shell again. Bitter and contemptous.
Deliberately leaving his plates unwashed, doors unlocked, bin not picked up, dog unfed. All those little chores he used to do, and the extra ones he took on over the last few months, suddenly gone again.
I just don`t let him see it affects me. I quietly go about doing it all. Let it slide for now.
As for enjoying the holiday season, my plan now is to ask him if he wants to pick up presents for the kids. If not, I`ll just go ahead and get it sorted myself asap so I don`t have that hanging over me.
Last year, I put decorations up early, to get us all into holiday mode early. Plan on doing the same again. Will have open house on xmas eve for the neighbours-the kids love that-with or without H.
Pulled myself out of my funk yesterday evening. Got photos developed, bought my Xmas outfit and visited neighbour`s with the kids.
Moving on. With or without.
FG,
I am not trying to get you to change your mind or even try to see things my way.
But....
To me, it seems like you are not communicating your needs to your Husband. properly.
Although I think it is good that you are getting on with your Christmas plans, I don't believe you are doing it in the right spirit.
I do not know you and only go by what you post here.
But your actions make you seem like the one who is bitter and angry.
If your Husband is in MLC and is depressed he won't give a damn about dishes or chores.
Does your Husband like having an Open House party? Is this something you did annually before MLC?
I hope you understand that I am not trying to harp on you it is just that something needs to change in your situation and I think it may be you.
Thanks Brandnewday. You might just change your name to Brandnewperspective!
No, I don`t think I`m angry or bitter. Just very sad. feeling low about a couple of things not connected with the M. And that`s probably affecting me with H too.
And no, I haven`t let him know my needs. I`m hell bend on showing me as strong and independent. So i guess I ve got to get the balance right between DB detachment and letting him see Im human too.
but, thank you. I will start being gently fortright about my needs when I get the chance.
Hey You!!!!!!
Ok, just a couple of things to think about. I am behind you in my journey (same old same old) but the thought struck me that there are two different basic ways we kind on need to act during the MLC journey. In the first half of the journey, we need to duck and cover from the crazy stuff and find ourselves again. Now you had more crazy stuff for a longer period of time than quite a few people put together, and I think you did this first part very well.
But now with your H finally moving towards you, the game and rules have changed significantly. You do need to find another path, exactly what that is, well, it will probably be a trial and error thing. I get that at soon as you soften up your H cycles away from you, so you don't want to go too soft. But there has to be a middle path somewhere, that does offer a hopeful vision for both you and H. It is there somewhere Fallgirl.
You know this is not a straight forward journey. but you have put up with so much, and compared to 18 months ago, there has been so much positive progress in your sitch. Come on, I know how stubborn you are, pull it out....!
Wow! Big hugs sister! Great to see you!
I do recall admiring just how quick you where to spot all the twists and turns of the crazy MLC(or whatever it is, really) dance. You have all the detachment of a scientist in this process, even when it pertains to you.
Smart lady! How are you doing?
And yes, you`re right. When I soften-he steps back.
I think that`s part of why I don`t let him see my needs-he seems to need to hit me when I show my vulnerability.
But Friday he ran to open the gate for me as I was leaving the house. So touching. Didn`t see him all Sat but he came over to the table to have breakfast with me this am. I chatted-maybe too much? I don`t know.
But he seems to be back in withdrawal mode again.
All I can do is keep my PMA. I`m really working on accepting what is. Seeing it as God`s will.
I can bypass anger but go to sadness and that isn`t being accepting of God`s will. So I`m really focussing when I can today and all that`s good right now.
Specifically, right now?-a bar of hazlenut choc and great coffee.
And hearing from you SR! Off to check if you`ve updated. Want to know how you, the kids, H, your job, new home and everything else is going in your life.
FallGirl,
After the acceptance of the situation and the MLC stuff we too go through various stages ourselves, as you know.
I too went through a stage where I was also out to prove that I could handle it all by myself and there was no way in hell I was going to allow him to ruin anything anymore.
It didn't last long because it made me miserable and resentful and sad because this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. But I also knew it would be like beating a dead horse to try and get him motivated because of the depression he was in.
I read the Power of a Praying Wife daily to try and help me with my perspective. I also would gently coax him into family stuff by asking his opinion about things. I sought out his help and his advice to make him feel important.
I would ask him nicely to do things for me and when he did I would let him know how much I appreciated his help. Also when he flat out said "NO" I didn't push the issue or mope about or sulk. ( I did come here and vent...ALOT)!
Hang in there sweetie, the best is yet to come!
(((hugs)))
Fallgirl,
For the last couple of years he has got in the habit of treating you like that when he feels stressed or doesn't know what to do. He is trying, through his love language, to change, with stuff like the holding the gate open, instead of trying to slam your fingers in it! You need to help him learn your language now as well.
How about just starting with how you would ideally like your home to be and talking to H about that? As in "H you know I have been thinking and my ideal home is a tranquil chilled out zone full of respect and good vibes. I really appreciate how much effort you have been putting into creating a good vibe over the last few months, washing your plates, taking the bin out so much more. What can I do to make our home more of a chilled out zone for you? Oh by the way, one other thing I would really appreciate is if you did xxxx"
Then the focus is on your home, rather than you or him? And it may break the Mexican standoff and help set a new path you can work out together?
I know gently is the way to go. And I`m ok with that-all that anger was way too exhausting on me anyhow!
I`m trying to get the balance right between not ignoring what he has said;he will move out (whether or not it`s before xmas) and knowing he finds change and decisions awfully difficult.
When talking to him now it`s all about the kids.Yes, gently and valuing his opinion etc. Whatever happens it will always be best to have that kind of communication about the kids anyway.
The Mexican standoff is more an Irish standoff SR! The legal system moves v e r y slowly here. I`ve applied for separation Feb and got affidavits back for me to revise again,last Oct. Will take at least til Feb for that to come to court.
But that was good as it give time for real change to happen here.
Divorce only allowed four years after separation.
Journalling:
Am working on myself to be accepting of anything that comes my way. Not getting upset if I plan something and it doesn`t work out.That includes no expectations whatsoever from H.
Keeping busy but not to avoid him.
He`s still hanging way back though.
Just very much fawning over the kids and yet minimal words with me.
No aggro, thank God, but sigh! this road is so long and tortuous and lonely.
It`s been a really busy week work wise and with the kids. But I had a great evening yesterday and came home buzzing. Just got the feeling H didn`t like that and, as soon as I had a moment to myself, he came up to my room and said we had to talk.
I was about to prep some more stuff for work today so it wasn`t a good time for me. I told him that and he accepted it and went away.
Now I know he`ll be back about it-unless I bring it up of course. And I know it`s about him moving out.
Not about Xmas preparations or the dishwasher that needs replacing or about how the kids are doing in school. All about him.
Yes, I know I`ll listen, I`ll let him know I`m listening. I`ll stay calm no matter what he says. I`ll praise him where appropriate.
But I will make it very clear that leaving our home is his decision to make. That the offer for MC is on the table if he wants that.
No pleading, begging.
I`m just really puzzled that a guy who claims to have made so many changes over the last few months for me and the kids is now ready to abandon ship just when I begin to take a second look.
2 by 4s welcomed, a cure for my possible blindness very acceptable and any other suggestions and advice will be gratefully received.
Sweetie,
Got the mail.
You are doing well and you handled yourself wonderfully.
This is normal. The up and down, back and forth...
Just like you are unsure to trust his changes, he is unsure whether to trust his and yours as well.
What you want, your end goal, is what you use to base your actions and reactions on...
Well, things have taken a sudden turn.
H has taken to brandishing a mortgage review form demanding that `we` make a decision. Telling me that I had wanted the separation and that he would be moving before Christmas. And that it was now a question of where the children would be spending Xmas-with him or me.
I stayed calm with all of that. Reiterated my statement that I am willing to go to marriage counselling. If he wanted to move out though I accept his decision too but that I wouldn`t sign anything without solicitors advice. H was very angry with that wanted me to agree to custody arrangements too.
He said "I don`t love you" All that on Saturday when he knew I was sick-sick enough to cancel a night out with gfs. H has a pattern of going after me when I`m feeling low.
I can see that H is very very much stuck in anger/bitterness mode. He is almost dangerously angry with me.He is trying to pick fights-says I`m irrational and confused-but I`m resisting the bait.
I`m dealing with a very unhappy man that wants us all to feel the pain. H threatened to leave before Xmas last year but I was devastated at the thoughts of the children`s Xmases being marked with that and begged him to stay til January. Mid summer he admitted he didn`t know what he was thinking to suggest the preXmas exit. Yet here he is, back at it again.
My feeling now is that it is important that I don`t stop him. Let him go.
Yes, it hurts to be told "IDNLY" but it only confirms how I have felt with H`s treatment of me over the years-unloved by him.
I do get that he`s crippled emotionally and the hows and whys of that but he doesn`t need me meddling with that work.
He did the exact same thing last xmas, didn't he! Really horrible build up, wanted out just the same. He cannot handle the xmas season at all, brings it all out in him.
I get that you do not want to stand in the way of his choice, but can you ask him to postpone it until after xmas for the kids at least?
How concerned are you for your safety right now, Fallgirl? I know that you also felt this way last xmas, do you feel the need to defuse the situation as a top priority in this area, or do you think he is just blowing of steam?
Thanks SR, for your input.
Yes, H did threaten to leave before Xmas last year. I persuaded him to postpone til January for the kids sakes.
In summer he said he didn`t know what he was thinking when he`d said he`d move out before Xmas.
The fact that he could leave the kids with a memory like that for all their Chrismasses spurred me to seek legal separation.
Now he`s back at the same trick.
I`m not going to stop him this time. He finds decisions-and accepting responsibility for them-difficult. He needs me to take control and hates that I take control at the same time.
I`m calm around him. I`m not bringing up the topic again-he knows why I stalled on moving forward with the legal separation-I had a little hope for a while-but if he`s decided to go that`s his decision.
Its like dealing with Jekyll and Hyde.He`ll do anything to try to upset me when he`s in this mood.