Hello Cadet,
I wondered when you were going to really get started on the questions. LOL!!
You're picking my brain and that is quite all right.
HB
As long as you seem to be on a roll I have a question.
You speak of the LBS being a stanchion(pillar) for the LBS.
Early in the crisis this means to Let GO, detach.
Later in the crisis enforcing boundaries.
You were writing yesterday that during your transition you were back in your mind as a 4 or 5 year old and your husband gave you a HUG.(Was he acting as a stanchion here?) (I believe he was, and I have another thought here too but I will save it until after you answer)
I know that you say that your son acted as your pillar.
What did he do that makes you say that?
My husband was acting as a pillar of strength during the particular time you're speaking of, OP; it was to show me that he really was there for me when I needed him; and that he could and would help me; all I needed to do was ASK him. This was the lesson the Lord was teaching me; that in spite of all that had happened between us, he was and is most capable of being there for me.
This was something I had to see; as I was drawing away from him, and the distance was growing at that point.
In order to close the distance between, I had to open up about an issue that was very painful, and though, it wasn't the most painful one I'd had to face; it was one that I had to open up with him about; in order to see, that he would accept me, and STILL love me for me; regardless of my imperfections, past damage, and this event that had happened to me that was clearly beyond my own control. Much the same as I had helped him during his first time within his initial bout of crisis.
I was near the end of my issues, and this helped us begin to bond together again in another way, another aspect.
While my husband was able to act in this way in this particular circumstance....at other and earlier times he was clearly unable, this is where my son took over for him.
I, just like so many people in Transition/Crisis had a very skewed view of my husband; he was the enemy, he was to blame for the pain I was in, he was also one of my issues to resolve and settle within myself. I had issues from childhood, issues from early adulthood, and issues from my marriage, issues that surrounded my husband in a more personal way, simply because, like everything else, my husband was part of my PAST.
Our son was instrumental in helping to keep the marriage together, keeping me there with his dad; and keeping me from running away, as I wanted so badly to do.
I can't tell you how many times Son would go get the pictures, sit down, and leaf through various photo albums, and talk of happier times we'd had long before his crisis, and the current Transition I was going through. Son, would gently remind me that I might as well keep what I had, because I could do so much worse. He would also speak of his dad as one who really did still love me, in spite of all I was doing to push him away, although he had a funny way of showing it at times.
Son didn't pressure me at all; just listened as I spewed my angry and miserable thoughts onto his broad shoulders; and he validated me, how I felt, threw up a "mirror" to me when I was receptive to one; and spoke of forgiveness many times.
He also reminded me that his dad and I had come so very far within these harder times of our lives; and I needed to remember that what was happening to me WOULD end; and we would be happy down the road, even if I could not see it now.
He spoke a various combination of things designed to help build my self confidence, self esteem, and to help me to see my self worth. He was a voice of calm within a world of troubled times and waters, and I was often "drawn" to him in a much different way than I was so often "drawn" to my husband.
Simply put, Son really did become my friend during that time, and I attached to him for a period of time, in a very good way. I needed the strength he offered and he often 'carried' me emotionally when I couldn't carry myself in that aspect.
He would always tell me that it was up to me; in a very nonjudgemental fashion; but he never spoke of what would/could happen if I chose to walk away. This wasn't needed.
I already knew somewhere within my heart what this would be; yet, once again, this was something I had to figure out on my own, just as my husband had had to, all that time before.
I faced the SAME decisions in regards to job, marriage, and life. I had to figure out that all things I needed had to be found WITHIN myself. I really did learn these things all over again, plus some added aspects to help me further within my journey.
Within the deepest times of my Depression, our son spoke with me many times on various issues/problems; encouraging me, giving me love and care, being my friend, accepting me for who I was, and no matter what I said, he stood firmly with and by me; giving me something to hold onto; which was hope, and and a renewed faith, and letting me know that I really was "someone", not just a "nobody" who'd grown up, gotten married, had a child, and hadn't done much of anything else. I certainly couldn't see all I had done within various people's lives; saying that I had never really done anything; people just THOUGHT I had. I griped that people had leaned on me too much; for so little; and I was tired of carrying so much; that I wanted to just be left alone, and that I wanted to just die.
He said that wasn't all there was to it, said I wasn't clearly seeing that I had accomplished so much more within my life, than I thought I had; said that I still had work to do even after this was finished. He also said that if I didn't continue my work, I would fail myself and the Lord; to just look at this time as a 'stepping stone' into something better.
These things were said to me, even as I was deeply focused on my failures; for every negative thing I said, he had a positive thing to counter it. Patiently, and slowly, he led me along the path toward the next stage of my journey; and that was a change in my perspective.
Rock bottom was really hard for me; I sat on the bottom looking up, and did, indeed, see my Son's face at the top of the well, letting me know that I could come back anytime I chose...I just had to "do it", and get it over with.
I had to hit the bottom, and HARD, in order to begin to reach this change in my perspective.
Son did pretty much what I had done with my husband several years before. Son didn't make me feel "defective" or "broken", he simply pointed out various aspects of truth, repeated some things I had said before, but I never realized that until much later on, long after I processed each conversation Son and I had.
I don't doubt that Son spent a great deal of time in prayer for me; but, OP, the Lord spoke through him a great many times, as I recognized wisdom that NO teenager is supposed to have/contain within being spoken from our Son. I did my share of arguing, but Son wouldn't argue, he just stated various truths, etc. to counter my arguments.
***As a side note, our son has learned the same lessons/aspects we did; and has them down to a science. He learned these by my lived example, and he asked a great many questions within his dad's first crisis; learned even more within the secondary bout. I didn't force these on him, not at all; just led and taught him as I went. The Lord blessed our Son beyond measure because of his willing obedience in the helping of both his dad and me at various times within the past 9 years. He is no longer needed in this aspect; and so, his memories have begun to fade within various aspects; as they are supposed to. He remembers the lessons, and he will always be able to recognize the crisis/transition within others, and that is all he needs to know, anymore. Any kind of healing he'd needed within himself is almost complete. ****
On the other hand, my husband didn't understand, he really didn't....he was busy grabbing onto me in fear; he was struggling within his secondary bout of crisis; and I was busy staying beyond his reach. I was trucking full time, and so, my space to process myself was gotten in that way. When I first turned on him, it frightened him so badly, he did ALL of the things one is NOT supposed to do...the more he clutched, the further I backed away. I was subjected to intense amounts of pressure to "return" to the person I had once been; as what I had temporarily "become", to my husband, was much WORSE than the changes I had made during the prior several years.
He was terrified that I would actually leave him, and my attitude left much to be desired; as it LOOKED like I had one foot OUT the door.
In deep anger, and sometimes rage filled comments, I kept telling him to leave me alone, so I could work on this; and he kept fighting me on it; pressuring me every chance he got. In moments of clarity, that were few and far in between, I would explain I was going through The Change; as I knew he would understand that, he'd already seen the hot flashes I was experiencing; but then he'd ask me "How long before you finish?" I wouldn't have an answer for that; but he didn't understand WHY I didn't have a clear answer, it would be over when it was over, that was ALL I knew...of course he didn't understand, and at various times, neither did I. His mind was swiss cheese, mine was swiss cheese; and two swiss cheese minds make for double the confusion.
And because of his swiss cheese thinking; he was UNABLE to function as he normally would have been called upon to do for me....this was where Son stepped in and filled in this gap for me; and he helped his dad some, too, during that time.
Our physical and emotional relationship suffered deeply it was bound to, considering.
That final issue of mine represented a turning point in our relationship..things got better after that...and later, I broke down, and asked him to forgive me, as I saw clearly the damage I had done with my attitude. More came as time went on, until I saw it all in a more complete way.
Anyways my question is does acting as this stanchion change throughout the different stages of MLC?
If so how?
The LBS acts as a stanchion in the way that one would "hold the fort" in the beginning; all responsibility is taken upon their shoulders. As time goes on, the MLC'er goes back and forth, seeing the LBS as stronger than they are; and they are drawn to that strength...this becomes the "lighthouse" that had stood firmly during the crisis; never moving, yet, always changing.
When the MLC'er returns broken, and needing help, the LBS is called upon to bring forth the necessary accountabilities that are necessary in order to lead the way for the MLC'er to begin pulling themselves back together...this takes a lot of strength to accomplish, and this is most often where a breakdown can occur, because the LBS allows resentment, and pent up anger to influence them to give up. This is such a long, hard road to walk.
The true meaning of Marriage is all about being willing to keep sticking it out; no matter what happens; through better OR for worse; and I have found that this crisis is the worst it will ever become.
Love is simply not enough; commitment is the "glue" that holds the relationship together when the love is gone; and born out of that deep commitment is a deeper strength that comes from a well within; God replenishes this on a daily basis.
Until the MLC'er clearly shows signs of standing on their own, beginning to take back the mantle of responsibility once again, the LBS will continue to function as the "strength" the stanchion that holds everything together.
There are no real "clear" signs when this change occurs; but the LBS, who knows the MLC'er better than anyone can judge these for themselves. Just as I was able to see when my husband began to change his ways of doing/relating, and as I saw him begin to take clear responsibility again; plus some added aspects I hadn't seen before, the LBS will also see this.
Once I saw these in my husband, I began backing down into the role of being a "helpmeet" or in plain english, "help mate" for him. We balance each others strengths and weaknesses between ourselves, as there will always be things I can do that he can't, things he can do that I can't.
And if you care to illiterate about being a stanchion. ( OK I asked more than one question).
As the stanchion, I was charged with the MOST and the GREATER responsibility; simply because I knew and was aware of what was happening, even if he didn't. My husband was going through a Mid Life CRISIS; and wasn't clear headed in his thinking...not an excuse for bad behavior, just the way it was.
He needed me to stand FOR him, within this gap; simply because he was unable to stand for himself...and this was a daunting task that I took on and shouldered without understanding fully what I was in for.
Some things you're not meant to understand before you take them on; if you did, you would take the opposite way...and while God gives one a choice at all times, He won't always lay out the complete path you're to take; partly because of lack of understanding on your part, and partly because He knows that if He doesn't give you everything; you'll gain even more and a better understanding from the "bit and piece" way He dealt with me.
I could NOT have taken it all in at one time; I was having enough trouble understanding the beginning; much less what had to be done within myself; in order to help him more effectively.
I got very little in the beginning; but more came as time went on, and my understanding grew consistently right into what it is now.
Yes, I got very angry as each 'detour', 'roadblock', 'obstacle' was thrown up, and halted progress; whether it was because of him or even because of me. But, as I worked PAST the anger I felt, I learned to actually SEE the wisdom of continuing on, I had so much to do and finish within myself. Plus, I could look back and see just how far we BOTH had come to get to this next place we found ourselves in.
It was ALL good, and so, I continued on the path/course set to reach the destination I was bound for; knowing that God allows things to happen for a reason; and even if I didn't know what part of these reasons were, I knew He wasn't going to leave me hanging high and dry.
I had faith He would take care of me; and I also knew without my total cooperation; our marriage wouldn't make it; He had made that abundantly clear.
Had I known all that I know now, in regards to the length of time involved, I might have gone ahead and walked away, He knew this of me; therefore He held back pertinent information until it was needed.....this is an aspect that is present in EVERY human being; I don't CARE WHO you are.
And this aspect MUST be overcome to endure the long running aspects of the crisis; as this crisis IS tied to BOTH people; NOT just one.
When things were slow, or at a dead stop, I immediately checked myself first to see what I was doing to hold it up; then I would check on him. Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was him...but it was always one of us who had an aspect to get past and learn from, in order to move forward.
Look unto the Lord for ALL you need, He's the one who provides these types of answers; whether He uses someone to help you learn, or directs you Himself..
It was so often like a mule with a carrot on a stick, that I was drawn forward, led forward, and sometimes driven forward; one step at a time, one day at a time to the end I eventually came to.
One thing I DO know for sure; had I gone ahead and walked away so long ago, my life would not have been half as blessed as it is now, I would not be here now; and I would be one miserable human being. As it stands, I and my family are doing very well, intact and together. Life throws its share of curve balls at me daily; I just field and throw them back into the Infield to be returned to "home plate".
Knowledge is most certainly power, and it was important to get me to a place of learning steadily as quickly as possible, so I could get to the task of growing and changing within myself...ONLY THEN, was I able to begin becoming stronger for him.
The more I learned about the crisis itself, the more I realized that I could NOT just walk away and leave him like that. I bore a responsibility to stay and HELP him; even though I knew it might mean he would walk away anyway. There came a time when I sincerely wanted him to be happy EVEN if it wasn't with me.
I gave all I had, and then some, to this cause; and I was determined that if this was possible, I would stay married to this man; but only if he still wanted me after all was said and done.
I came to various conclusions, realizations, and aspects on my own, with the help of the Lord who inspired me to write all I did back in 2002. I knew quite a bit, even then, but there was more to learn, and learn the rest of it, I did.
There were times I wanted to kill him, other times, I could have horse whipped him, still other times I prayed until I couldn't pray anymore. I stayed exhausted from the immense amounts of sheer strength, will power, and grit it took to just stay in there with him; helping him IN SPITE of all the spew he threw at me, the rebellion he faced me with, and the pressure I stayed under to walk my own journey, learn my lessons, face all that I was set to face within myself.
But I would NOT quit; it wasn't in me to quit or give up. I said a whole lot of things to the Lord about wanting to quit, walk away, all during that time, only to have Him tell me again that it was up to me; and then, show me the outcome again.
But, other than the short period of time just after the first two BDs, where the Lord intervened with me because I was reacting in "fight or flight"; I did NOT see leaving, or kicking him out as options to entertain within myself.
The fact that I STOOD throughout and hung in there with him the WHOLE time is illustration enough of what a stanchion is all about. It is one who stands firmly, even as the storm rages all around and in between the couple.
The stanchion becomes most able; through having learned to use the various tools provided from God and so many others who have gone this way before, to withstand all of the spew, the blaming, the rebellion, develops endurance, fortitude, perseverance, patience, grit, determination; not to mention learning about love as the Bible describes it; yet, on the other hand, ALSO learns to put into practice the necessary boundaries that are called for, tough love practices, and is unmoving, even as the MLC'er threatens their worst during the times of necessary accountability.
Most importantly, the stanchion learns to know that it's best to let go completely, to step back allowing God in this process to handle a situation that is clearly beyond the stanchion's control...this aspect requires the MOST strength of all, and is the HARDEST to accomplish.
Thanks as always for your time and patience.
You're very welcome.
Certainly did not get the BEST SPOUSE IN THE WORLD award ever! I had no empathy or feeling whatsoever. Did all the silly MLC stuff....going out at all hours, coming home when 
