Hello,
I will try and give my brief story. I am new to this bloging stuff so bear with me. This is my 2nd marriage (11yrs now). My husband recently told me that he Doesn't love me anymore about 3weeks ago. At first I was angry and approached the situation all wrong. Even before I got the DB books I knew what I had done was wrong. So I stopped, I have read the DR book and am working on the first book now. Don't ask me why I read them in this order.
I have been using some of the techniques but with my own twist. I am probably communicating more than some of you. After I had a chance to calm down I asked if he would consider a seperation instead of a divorce to start. He seemed open to the suggestion which made me happy. We have talked about me wanting to keep the house but there are things that need to be done to it that I am not capable of doing alone. So he has been working on some of the repairs. He of course wants nothing but wants to make sure me and my daughter (from previuos marriage) are taken care of.
Fast forward a bit and all of his friends have kinda abandoned him and he really has no place to go, so he has been sleeping on the couch for the past three weeks. I have been using the techniques and talking with him at every opportunity. We have even been sexually active together, which to me is a good sign. So, last night we talked a great deal about where to go from here (his bringing it up not me). Now he wants to build a room in our detached garage where he can "seperate" from me. He states he wants to live like we are divorced but not sleep with other people of course. He contradicts himself during conversation and starts talking about our future together but then I think he catches himself. I asked him If I could snuggle with him last night before we went to bed and we fell asleep together on the couch. Before we went to sleep he said in a few weeks after he works on the fence some he will take me on a bike trip for the day. I am of course going crazy because I know many of these things are good signs.
So now the plan is for him to build a room in our garage and for us to be seperated that way there are no financial strains on either of us.
Any support or opinions would be greatly appreciated. I have posted before and never really gotten a good response.
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#1996307 - Today at 12:05 PM Re: Help and Support Anyone [Re: sb2ndmarriage]
OldPilot
Member
Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 1278
Loc: peekskill, ny If you think your H is in a MLC start a thread on that board. Try to stick to one thread and one board for the future. There are resources at the top of the MLC board to read to see if you think he is in MLC. Confusion, however is a sign of MLC. It does sound like your H is confused.
You need to start with detachment.
This is the detach link:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/Good luck keep reading and posting.
Knowledge is power.
_________________________
ME/W56
D23, S22
Current thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1953700&#Post1953700
Welcome to this board.
Sorry you have to be here but this is a wonderful resource
and you will "meet" great people here who understand your sich and want to give you support.
The resources.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post1539436Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go
1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Also as far as board mechanics goes, you can use the buttons on the bottom right to quote.
I am sorry that you never got a good response before.
Please do as OP suggests and check out the resources he linked for you.
IF you feel that Mid Life Crisis (MLC) is the place for you you feind some amazing advice and support...and friends in here to help you along the way as long as you are willing to do the work.
And the work is HARD. Make no mistake.
No one here should tell you if your H is in a MLC...no one here is a paid professional...that is up to you. For me, and my wife...I defined her MLC as confusion, she didn't know what she wanted from day to day hour by hour, she didn't want to hurt me, but she kept making hurtful choices.
But that is just my definition.
OP is also right in finding one place and one thread to post too.
You will get different advice posting in different places. Not all of it works well together...not at all.
I appreciate the response. I am torn due to the fact I definately feel many of his actions are MLC but there is no OW at this time at least and I believe he would not do that without telling me first. I am just confused and wondering if my actions are a part of why he has decided to stay at home and try the seperation instead of actually leaving and getting his own place. I often wonder if I should distance myself more or if I should just keep doing what I have been doing. This is the part that really is difficult to guage. I realize I need to detach more than I already have but that is going to be a difficult journey for me. I also have to say that even though this is my 2nd time around it is much different and harder (perhaps more years vested)
there is no OW at this time
That is not required for MLC, although it does usually happen.
Keep reading and posting.
I really cannot discuss this with anyone in my family due to the fact that they will all tell me I am crazy for trying to stick this out. It does feel good to tell my story and get it all out. Since it is so new it is very hard for me to focus on anything else but this right now. So far it has not hurt my job or anything. There are really many signs that my H does hold some sort of hope for our M but I am extremely cautious. He really like to talk to me about his job and other things and I respectfully listen. It is very difficult when he leaves and doesn't come home. I do not ask what he does or where he goes but he tells me anyway. Right now he is saying that he is at a place of weakness and needs a relationship with himself. He of course tells me that he is not happy and he loves me and I am his best friend but he does not love me the way he should love a wife. I have been using some of the DBing and they seem to have some effect but I have also been pursuing him in some ways and he is open to this but I wonder if I should change this.
There are some suspicious things that your H is saying, however I would not worry about him for the moment. You need to make this your time. You need to take focus off of him and put it on yourself. The detaching will help. Also try reading the thread for the Stages of LBS. Also the stages of MLC in the resource thread. I have given you a lot of reading to do, as Jack says this is hard work. I hope you are up for it.
SB2
Welcome to these boards. You have two very good guys giving you advice already. I fall in the category of a fellow LBS (left behind spouse) going through the journey but maybe a bit further down the road than you are today.
I agree with OP your H is saying some strange things but i would not worry too much about diagnosing him as MLC or not. Your process will not differ. Read the posts OP gave you. It will feel like your drinking through a fire hose but it is all helpful stuff for YOUR journey.
Up till now I am sure you have devoted countless hours focused on H and your M. From this point on you will hear MANY times to focus on YOU and after X number times you hear it from us you will get it and the light will come on...
You must be patient and strong... you are here so you are the stronger one in your M, so if you have hope for your M it will hinge on YOUR strength...
But do know this- you will get the wisest guidance here and support from people who have started right where you stand.
Take care SB2.
I truely appreciate everyones input here. I have already read much of the info that is here before I even posted and I really do understand where I need to put my focus. The deal is I really though I had focus on myself already before this. Of course like anyone else in retrospect I can look back and find areas where I have lost myself. It seems that in both marriages I have lost part of myself and who I am. I have several issues I am trying to work through. Before I married my current H I would go out dancing and had lots of dates and would occasionally go out with friends. However I have never had lots of friends especially female. I would not consider myself a bar person. Most of my life has revolved around my own interest and family. Not just my immediate family but my sister, Mom, etc. This is where I really enjoy being. So I find the GAL portion particularly difficult at the moment. I hate that H goes out and comes home and I am always there. I feel a real need to just go somewhere and not come home so that at least I do not feel that he thinks I am just waiting around for him. I am so torn as to the fact of weither I should still try connecting with him or if I should just stop trying. He always wants to talk to me when he gets home. So last night I ended the conversation saying I was tired and went to bed. Normally I would have stayed and talked as long as he wanted.
Really, I know I will be fine no matter what happens, sometimes I just feel it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on but deep in my heart that is not what I really want. To me that would be the easy thing to do. Any thoughts are appreciated.
Really, I know I will be fine no matter what happens, sometimes I just feel it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on but deep in my heart that is not what I really want. To me that would be the easy thing to do. Any thoughts are appreciated.
You have to figure this out for yourself. I will share that I am on my 2nd M and for me I refused to go out the same way this time. I can tell you that this process is really about you and finding who you are. I think you will be surprised what you discover about yourself. Part of it is standing up for what you believe in. But it is NOT an easy road and it is NOT for the feint hearted. This will take courage on your part because apart from the people here you will find you pretty much stand alone.
When you embrace this journey you must be very clear of your purpose. And stay true to yourself.
Keep posting and journaling here and we will help alll we can.
I hear what you are saying. It is difficult not being able to guage if what you are doing is helping or hurting. Meaning hurting myself or the R or my H. I will not go out without a fight. Having said that, I of course need to take a real hard look at myself and where I am and where I want to go. I know that is what my H is doing. This is marriage 2 for him as well and I know that he feels most of his life has been in a R with someone and he is quite unsure of who he is.
He says that I really changed about 6-7 years ago when my 1st H died. This is the father of my D17. Last year after marriage counseling I began the journey of looking at who I really am. I never thougth of myself as a co-dependent person until that time. Yes, that was a difficult period for me because the person I always thought I was never existed. Now I had to work to find out who I really am. I have always tried to control so many aspects of my life, often I have realized that this is impossible but still I would try.
Also, I have surly been the fixer in the M. Often taking on the majority of the responsibilities. Another thing that really sticks in my mind is how my H cannot let go of the past. Never really forgiving or forgetting and my reactions to this when he would bring things up. I had already started working on these things before the bomb. And in coversations my H already mentioned that he did notice. It is difficult to just move along in life, standing where you are confused and surrounded by others while it feels like your life is at a stand still.
SB2
Sorry that you find yourself here but as everyone has told you, this is a great forum to discuss your sitch with people that are in similar situations. A few things to consider...as Jack pointed out you will get a lot different opinions here. Some will apply some will not. You will need to sift through and determine what is applicable in your sitch. DB'ing is really counter intuative so sometime you may recieve advise that is contrary to what you may "feel" like doing but may actually work in your sitch.
True has really pointed out that this journey is ultimately about YOU.
I would suggest that you take some time and write down some things you've always wanted to do for YOU but did not do due to circumstances. Post this list. Remember, the things you do going forward are really for YOU. You cannot control another person but YOU can control how you react to your H.
I have never had lots of friends especially female.
Why is this?
I hate that H goes out and comes home and I am always there.
If you hate it then why do it?
I feel a real need to just go somewhere and not come home so that at least I do not feel that he thinks I am just waiting around for him.
Sounds to me like you would be going out, with the expectation that he will notice. Remember DO THINGS FOR YOU - not to illicit a response from him.
I am so torn as to the fact of weither I should still try connecting with him or if I should just stop trying.
IF you want an opportunity to save your M then you really will need to take some time to figure YOU out first. Don't let these feelings of despair rule you. This is going to be tough road - no doubt BUT you will be fine and you just may find out things about you and H that may make your future R much much better.
I just feel it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on but deep in my heart that is not what I really want.
Yep - you'll feel like this sometimes. So what do you really want?
IMO - right now you should sit back and give your H some space. Take this time as a gift...a time for you to REALLY figure out what you want. Don't rush it - do push it - just go with the flow for now.
God Bless,
Eric
SB2
You mentioned co dependency and fixer. Two very difficult words. I was both as well and you get there without even knowing it but you do lose yourself.
Your H was lost in this unhealthy relationship too. As much as we see what we do as helpful it gives them an even greater sense of failure or lack of achievement.
It is even harder to detach from this type of R. Your self esteem is tied to your ability to help them and your fear is that they will some day be able to do it without you and then?...Not need you.
Detachment should be your goal right now for you and for H. If this dynamic is at work and allowed to continue your M will be over.
There is a book I read called codependent no more or something like that. I will find it and post the name. You can google the topic too and find some stuff.
Take care
Okay H just called me to tell me he is buy a jeep. This has been something he has wanted to do for a while now. I am happy for him. You can tell how excited he is right now.
Quote:
I feel a real need to just go somewhere and not come home so that at least I do not feel that he thinks I am just waiting around for him.
Sounds to me like you would be going out, with the expectation that he will notice. Remember DO THINGS FOR YOU - not to illicit a response from him.
Quote:
I am so torn as to the fact of weither I should still try connecting with him or if I should just stop trying.
IF you want an opportunity to save your M then you really will need to take some time to figure YOU out first. Don't let these feelings of despair rule you. This is going to be tough road - no doubt BUT you will be fine and you just may find out things about you and H that may make your future R much much better.
Quote:
I just feel it would be easier to just throw in the towel and move on but deep in my heart that is not what I really want.
Yep - you'll feel like this sometimes. So what do you really want?
First, let me say that I am a homebody especially through the week. I don't want to go out and come home at midnight. I have to work and that part of my life is over as far as I am concerned. An occasional late night is fine but I can't do what he is doing right now. It just won't work for me.
Second, I really would have no way of knowing what his response would be if I didn't come home. I just feel as if he knows I will always be there, as if I am waiting for him to come home and I am not.
Finally, what I really want to do is be strong and see this through no matter what the outcome because I really do not want to start over again and I truly believe that the both of this can come out on the other side of this crisis with a better relationship. I hope that it is a marriage R but I recognize it might not be.
Second, I really would have no way of knowing what his response would be if I didn't come home. I just feel as if he knows I will always be there, as if I am waiting for him to come home and I am not.
You're not doing it for him you're doing it for you. But the point is if you are sitting home and as you have said you feel a bit left behind when he is out and you're just there waiting. Then you should do something to change that.
You don't have to go out to bars etc. Go over to a friends house. Go see a movie. Go to a coffee shop and read a book. Or be in bed when he gets home. But if he feels like you're "waiting" that can produce feelings of pressure and guilt on him which is what he is trying to get away from (insert new jeep and drive off)
You will feel much better about all this when you start to take control of you and Your life. And forget about what H is doing
Truegritter
I have been working on detachment for about a year now and this is a difficult proccess, I never knew what it was called before coming to this forum. I was really angry and hurt when he first said the words to me. But being the fixer, I immediatly wanted to take action and that is when I found the DBing books. The have been really helpful to me and so I started out by asking for what I wanted. That was for him to consider a seperation instead of just calling it quits right away.
He was open to this so here we are. However, it is difficult to seperate from each other when you are living in the same house. A small house at that. I still am unclear if I should keep trying to connect when possible.
I will not stop living my life because of this situation. I have never been the kind of person to just roll up in a ball and not get out of bed. There is way to little time and too many laughs and beauty to be missed.
SB2
BTW when yiou want to quote just hit the quote button in the lower right of the post you want to quote. It will pull in the entire text then you can pick and delete what you want.
Multiple quotes within a text you do by starting what you want to quote with
to finish the quote.
You'll get it's easy once you do it a couple of times.
Woops it actually quoted what I was trying to show you so I will put what you type in quotes the quotes won't be there when you type it
"
" to end a quote hopefull this works when I post it
Nope it didn't let see if I put spaces
[ quote ] to start a quote
[ /quote ] to end a quote
Woops it actually quoted what I was trying to show you so I will put what you type in quotes the quotes won't be there when you type it
"
" to end a quote hopefull this works when I post it
Grit,
You are a plethora of knowledge.....
[quote=Truegritter]
Then your text...
then finish with a
[/quote]
Thanks for saving me once again Mach!
Hey was that sarcasm^^^^LOL!
[
quote
]
all in one line.
TEXT you want to quote.
[
/
quote
]
all in one line at the end.
like this:
TEXT...blah blah blah...my husband is a big jerk head
cannot quote the endquote. : )
SB2
I have been working on detachment for about a year now and this is a difficult proccess,
Very good that you are working on this and YES it is a VERY DIFFICULT process. You will fall back into your normal habits sometimes - just remember to dust yourself off and get back on the horse. It takes time so be patient with yourself.
That was for him to consider a seperation instead of just calling it quits right away.
Really good - it now gives you and him TIME, which is what you need. The question will be...how do YOU use this time?
However, it is difficult to seperate from each other when you are living in the same house.
OMG - is it but it can be done. I am still in the house with W. Actually slept in the same bed for a while. Although it is difficult, this coupled with TIME give him and you a chance to see the changes that you BOTH will make.
I still am unclear if I should keep trying to connect when possible.
IMO you connect when the opportunity presents itself. Do not initate convo but feel free to respond just make sure to be the first one to end it. Try and stay away from R convo. Keep it light and simple. If H seems angry then stay away remember YOU cannot FIX THIS.
God Bless,
Eric
Thanks for the input. So when he wants to discuss R. I should try and direct the conversation else where?
So I will do my best to stop initiating conversation. I know he will feel something is wrong when I do this. I have known about the Jeep, in fact I encouraged him to get it. I have even had to tell him he does not answer to me. He has the habit of telling me where he is going if he will be coming home or not. I never ask. I at least did learn that spying on someone does not really do any good from my first marriage. I find alot of hope in the fact that many times he will speak about us in future tense. Of course with the situation the way it is I feel very insecure about any comments made right now. I realize the focus is about me, but sometimes you just need to get through the past to move forward. It sort of like talking about someone who just died. The situation is so new that you can hardly help yourself.
SB2
Just keep the convo light - don't come across as distant but just be "reserved". At the end of the day you want him to feel comfortable to talk to you. When he does LISTEN..and I mean LISTEN.
Good approach on asking where he is going. If he is in a crisis he will need to figure it out and does not need anyone telling him what to do or questioning his whereabouts.
Don't worry about what you have said in the past. Just move forward and do not make the same mistake. I am going to keep reminding you that YOU cannot fix this. You can only make it worse.
Finally, at some point you will get to a place where you begin to realize that as often as you say or write "him" you should be saying "I". Keep your hopes alive and remember YOU control the outcome of this. You may not see that now but you will in the future.
God Bless,
Eric
This will probably be my last post for the day.
It is getting easier every day to wake up and move forward.
I tell you it is so funny, before I met my H I had been divorced for three years. I was just at the point where I was so happy with my life and where I was. I had accepted that I was okay alone. That is when I met my H. I know that God put him in my life for a reason and I think ever since then I have been desperatly trying to discover that reason. I was so content, having felt that way before was a real revalation for me and now I feel so lost and fear of being alone has crippled my actions for so long. I have real abandonment issues that have only come to light thru our past MC. I wont give my life history but lets just say it has been something that has happened to me so many times that it should be easy for me by now but it is never easy. That is where the co-dependency comes in. And from what I understand it never goes away you just learn to "deal" with it and change your behavior. I started to really recognize where I would try and control situations. I sometimes feel like DBing is similar to trying to control what is happining, but I do know that these changes I have been making are good for me and not just good for the R. I will continue to study read and try to gain more knowledge about myself and my H situation. We should make a real point to pray for each other as I really do know this is key in healing. I hope to hear from more of you all. It really is helpful to "discuss".
I sometimes feel like DBing is similar to trying to control what is happining, but I do know that these changes I have been making are good for me and not just good for the R.
This can be confusing because if you go to other parts of this forum it is about trying to control. You won't get that here.
Tactics and strategies are about control. You want an outcome by design.
The things we encourage you to do are for YOU to control yourself. To control how the sitch affects you so you can heal.
It is only until you are to a place where you will not be affected by what has happened or what is still happening.
It has been said that you need to journey to the eye of the storm where it is calm and all about you is in turmoil but you are unaffected
Well said TG...well said my friend.
Well good morn all. I have had a very productive week. I have been using many of the DBing items and It has really had an impact on the way I feel about things and allowing me to detach a bit more. It is so funny due to the fact the more I do this the more H pursues me or at least it feels that way. I went to sisters last night just to get away from going directly home every day and it it was the right thing to do. H is at a work seminar today and so far has text me 3 times to chat. Also felt the need to call me and let me know what he was doing last night. Even though I have told him it is not necessary to tell me what he is up to. I am at a peacefull place today and it feels nice.
SB2
I'm glad to see u are doing well.
Eric
SB2
That is wonderful. What is wonderful is how YOU feel not that H is reacting. Remember the feeling when you do this (detach) it gives YOU strength.
It is NOT about expecting changes in H. That is just icing on the cake so to speak. Keep the focus on YOU.
I plan to keep the focus on myself. I have no choice really for my own sanity. I feel compassion for what my H is going thru right now and this life I am living now is a new one so the adjustment will take time. I do look at these instances as icing on the cake but too much icing ruins the cake. When he responds to my changes it makes detaching that much more difficult. I know what has to be done. It still doesn't mean I have to like it. I've needed detachment in plenty areas of my life and have been quite successful so I know i can make it through this. Being a co-dependent person I must watch for my controlling ways from rearing their ugly head.
So I just received a text from him now asking if I want to go with him on Sat to look at his new Jeep. I told him sure. I feel any chance to connect with him positively is a good idea. I will not be my usual opinionated self this time. The decision on what he does will be his. Any thoughts
SB2
I have no choice really for my own sanity. I feel compassion for what my H is going thru right now and this life I am living now is a new one so the adjustment will take time.
Wow! You get this...there are people here that have been working a long time and they get stuck before realizing this...
Absolutely it's all YOU.
Keep your focus...
SB2 -
This sounds great. Take the opportunity to connect just remember DO NOT EXPECT anything. You sound great, strong and focused so if you go in expecting that he is going to "run home right now" you may be setting yourself up for a fall.
Good to keep your opinions to yourself but I would not come accross as too distant either. Be who YOU are.
FTR - I have a jeep myself...love it!
God Bless,
Eric
Thanks Eric,
But part of my problem is my H is home. I really don't expect things. I have been on this rollercoaster for many years already. At least 3 maybe more. My part in all of this was that I would try and fix everything by using control and threats. There have been many time I wanted to throw in the towel and leave but I am older this time and can recognize that If I do not change this will repeat itself over again. After reading the DBing books, these have been a real eye opener for me. I am still not sure where my H falls in MLC if perhaps he is one of those that goes in and out or not. Counseling taught me that co-dependants usually marry other co-dependents and that has help my perspective greatly. I am just afraid H wants me to go so that I can help him make decision or tell him it is not a good decision as I would have in the past. I feel it is real important for me to step back and let this be all on him.
Well, I have now gone and read just about everyones story who has responded to me. Not to say that I will remember exactly who's story goes with who but it does give me some background to go on. Now I feel like I know a bit about you all.
sb
Your instinct to step back and let your h do this is right on. But what you do in the meantime is what is equally important. You have made the first step by realizing what you need to work on so work on your own issues. This is an ongoing process. Take some time out from all of this craziness and find something you enjoy doing on your own. It is a good step away from co dependence as well.
Okay,
So now I just wanted to say that H just text and now said he is going to get Jeep tonight and wants to know if I want to go for a date tonight in it. Of course you know I want to go. Thoughts please.
Try to keep to 1 thread it is less confusing.
I say GO but have no expectations. Being detached does not have to mean NC.
SB, go for it if you want, but as OP says, NO EXPECTATIONS. That means, no R talks, no guilt trips, no pressure on your H. Live in the moment and have fun. Show your H the fun loving side of you and forget your cares for a while.
(((Hugs)))
I see what you guys mean by not starting new thread but since I am new to this it is difficult when I am not sure what I am doing. I will get the hang of it eventually. I did go and we had fun. I think it is only human to hope for things to come out of your actions but I am guarded as far as expectations. Although I can tell you that my eyes are open for any little indication that we are moving in a good direction. For the record I only talk about the R if he brings it up and I am very cautious about what comments I might make. We have not had any arguments in a long time. Months in fact. For us there was just realy nothing going on. No fun, no fights, no sex, etc. In fact the last two times I initiated he did not respond well. However after the bomb and after our agreeing to seperation instead of D he did then ask if I was game and since then we have had sexual contact three times. I try to resist the urge to go and cuddle with him on the couch but I admit I have done it a few times. He never refuses me. In fact I think we have had more fun with each other since the bomb than we have probably had in two years. He told me he recognized I had made changes already before I read the DBing books.
I believe our marriage can be saved but I realize one person alone doesn't make a marriage. If H wants to find himself outside of the M I cannot stop him. I am vowing to love H the way you were meant to love someone. My conflict comes with GAL and trying to recconect with H to which I believe is where part of my change has to occur. I shut myself out of his life because of my own self loathing. I expected him to make time for us on my terms only. I never stopped him from doing his own thing but I never tried to be a part of his world either and I stopped doing some the things that kept us close out of resentment and tried to control situations to get what I wanted. I was not a bad wife, but I was not the wife I wanted to be either. I did not give him the respect he deserved or needed which made him fell less of a man.
Who knows if any of these things done differently would have made a difference or not? I can only move forward in this moment and make changes.